Baby Mama (2008) - full transcript
Successful and single businesswoman Kate Holbrook has long put her career ahead of a personal life. Now 37, she's finally determined to have a kid on her own. But her plan is thrown a curve ball after she discovers she has only a million-to-one chance of getting pregnant. Undaunted, the driven Kate allows South Philly working girl Angie Ostrowiski to become her unlikely surrogate. Simple enough ... After learning from the steely head of their surrogacy center that Angie is pregnant, Kate goes into precision nesting mode: reading childcare books, baby-proofing the apartment and researching top pre-schools. But the executive's well-organized strategy is turned upside down when her Baby Mama shows up at her doorstep with no place to live. An unstoppable force meets an immovable object as structured Kate tries to turn vibrant Angie into the perfect expectant mom. In a battle of wills, they will struggle their way through preparation for the baby's arrival. And in the middle of this tug-of-war, they'll discover two kinds of family: the one you're born to and the one you make.
that I was supposed to do.
I didn't cry in meetings.
I didn't wear short skirts.
I put up with the weird
upper management guys
that kiss you on the mouth at Christmas.
Is it fair that to be
the youngest VP in my company,
I will be the oldest mom at preschool?
Not really, but that's part of the deal.
I made a choice.
Some women got pregnant. I got promotions.
And I still aspire to meet someone
and fall in love and get married,
but that is a very high-risk scenario.
And I want a baby now. I'm 37.
It's too much for a first date, isn't it?
I said too much.
I'm just gonna go use the...
I'm gonna need this to go.
♪ Little pee pee, little toes ♪
♪ Now he's comin' to me ♪
♪ Crawl across the kitchen floor ♪
♪ Baby, baby, please let me hold him ♪
♪ I wanna make him stay... ♪
♪ Sister, sister, he's just a plaything ♪
♪ We wanna make him stay up all night ♪
♪ Yeah we do ♪
♪ See him drink from a bottle... ♪
Thank you for being here so early.
Hi. How are you?
Let's get started.
♪ As a button ♪
♪ Don't you wanna make him stay up late ♪
♪ And we're having fun with no money ♪
♪ Little smile on his face ♪
♪ Don't you love the little baby ♪
♪ Don't you want to make him
Stay up late ♪
♪ Baby, baby, please let me hold him ♪
♪ I wanna make him stay up all night ♪
♪ Sister, sister... ♪
♪ We wanna make him stay up all night ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ All night long ♪
♪ And he looks so cute ♪
♪ All night long ♪
♪ All night long ♪
I just don't like your uterus.
Don't get me wrong.
Your eggs are in great shape,
but you have a T-shaped uterus.
That combined with
your advanced maternal age,
it's preventing proper implantation.
Why do I have this T-shaped uterus?
Well, probably has something
to do with medication
that was given to your mother
when she was pregnant with you.
We used lot of drugs back in the '70s
which we now know can cause infertility.
Yeah. I would say that your chances
of conceiving are very low.
Well, I don't want to
assign a number to it.
What would you assign it?
A color, a nickname, a locker?
One in a million.
I just don't like...
Don't say that again.
Come to think of it,
I did take something for liver spots
when I was pregnant with you,
but I really don't see how that could
cause any problems for your uterus.
It was just a different time.
They didn't warn people
about side effects.
They warned me.
I think I might even
have signed something.
Kate, I was 30 years old.
I was starting to get liver spots.
I just hope you put
this baby mania to rest.
It's not mania.
How many times have you tried now?
The last two were in vitro.
Have you considered adoption?
I have applied for an adoption, yes.
Kate, please don't get a black baby.
Well, I don't think
we'll have to worry about that,
because for a single woman,
it can take about five years
to get an adoption.
I've just had it
with all these movie stars showing off.
"Look at me and my black baby."
Kill me. I want you
to stab me with something.
You know, Kate,
not everyone is as tolerant
of your alternative lifestyle as we are.
Being single is not
an alternative lifestyle.
It is when you're 37.
Oh, out like a light.
Have you thought about using a surrogate?
I saw a thing about it on Dateline.
No, it's weird. It's for weirdos.
I'm just gonna keep trying by myself.
Kate, building a family is not like
opening one of your stores.
It's not an executive decision.
It's real life. It's messy.
These hormone injections make me
want to punch you in the face right now.
- That's right.
- You're right.
- There you go.
- Come on.
Well, how much longer
are you gonna put your body through this?
Look, I know for years
I said I didn't want one,
but I just woke up one day,
and I felt like every baby
on the street was staring at me.
Katie's coming out of the mommy closet.
Tyler, what is this all over you?
Is that chocolate or poop?
Is that chocolate or poop?
What if that had been poop?
I told you, messy, but great.
Everybody do a shot of this pea soup.
Let's go with this.
Call it "Health Monster."
It's what I do.
I was swimming this morning
with the dolphins in Costa Rica,
and I realized something.
I am a great man.
And great men do great things.
I want to open a flagship store
right here in Philadelphia.
I want it to be the biggest store
we ever built,
I want it to be made
of 100% recyclable materials,
and I want it to be so beautiful
that people want to get married in it.
Kate, join me up here.
Uh... I'm wearing a dress, Barry.
Kate, I want you to spearhead this
as our new vice president.
This is me transferring my success to you.
Thank you, Barry.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations, Kate.
Hello. I'm Chaffee Bicknell.
Oh! There's just one of you.
I thought Chaffee and Bicknell
were two different people.
I started this business
because I saw a growth market.
We don't do our own taxes anymore.
We don't program our computers.
And what is surrogacy if not outsourcing?
Wait. You're not saying
my baby would be carried
by some poor, underpaid woman
in the third world.
We're also expensive.
Our fee is $100,000.
It costs more to have someone born
than to have someone killed.
It takes longer.
All of our surrogates undergo
extensive background checks.
credit reports, medical histories
and psychological testing.
But why do these women do it?
Is it just for the money?
You do your job for the money,
but I bet you love it
and you're good at it.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you plan on hiring a nanny?
Of course. I have to go back to work.
How is this any different?
A nanny is someone you trust
to take care of your baby after it's born.
A surrogate mother is someone you trust
to take care of your baby
before it's born.
Either way it's your baby.
And here's my baby.
Hello, my sweetheart. Hello, little one.
Oh, yes. What a good girl. Yes.
Everyone deserves this.
That's why I wanna remove
the stigma from surrogacy.
There's no wrong way to make a family.
And you're proof of that.
How do you mean?
Just that you have
this beautiful baby using surrogacy.
My husband and I conceived Sabrina
the old-fashioned way.
- But you're so...
You wouldn't think so
if you saw my uterus.
But you know what really made
this little angel possible?
A time machine?
A positive attitude.
You may not have my fertile body,
but with my help
you can still be a mother.
♪ Make the cracks break
Shake it till they drop ♪
♪ Make the booty go wah, wah, wah ♪
♪ Make the cracks break
Shake it till they drop ♪
♪ Make the booty go wah, wah, wah ♪
Yo, who you waiting on again?
Her name's Angie.
She's, uh... Well,
she might be my surrogate mother.
Oh, that's right.
You got your baby mama coming.
You know I got two baby mamas, right?
No, this is different.
You had relationships with those women.
No, I had no relationships
with those women.
I had relations with those women.
No. I'm paying her.
This was set up by an agency.
There are contracts involved.
It's strictly business.
You pay the bills, she have the baby.
That's called a baby mama.
You ask any black man in Philadelphia.
Yo, what if that's your baby mama?
I don't think that's her.
♪ Here come your baby mama ♪
♪ Riding a Suzuki ♪
I wanna spend about 15 minutes here,
then I wanna get my picture taken
punching the Rocky statue.
you're gonna have to sketch it,
'cause I didn't bring a camera.
Okay, you did that on purpose, didn't you?
Trying to sabotage my art.
- This might be them.
- All right, I'm an artist.
- Oscar, this might be them.
- I want it to look artistic.
You told me to tell you
when you were sounding ignorant.
You're sounding ignorant.
Nice to meet you.
This is Carl, my husband.
He always says that.
Well, please, come on in.
Listen, shut her down in drive
and slam it into park
or it'll start smoking, okay?
And I'll be back with this.
So, how long
have you two been together?
We met the summer
after I discontinued high school.
And we've been together ever since.
He never officially
asked me to be his wife,
but he never asked me
to not be his wife either,
so things are going pretty good.
Wow. The place is amazing.
Um, let me...
Kind of looks like Kate Hudson's
New York pied-à-terre.
She read that somewhere.
I don't think she's saying it right.
No, she's saying it right.
Out of all the places
that we've interviewed at,
this is by far the nicest.
- What does your husband do?
- Well, I don't have a husband.
Got this place all by yourself?
Must have a really fancy job.
Well, I am the Vice President
for Round Earth Foods.
So you take over if the President is shot?
- I like your shirt.
It's a shirt-vest kind of... I don't know.
I just like making styles and stuff.
It's something I like to do.
What, you don't get down with rap?
Uh, boy, somewhere in there
I have an old Salt-n-Pepper CD.
What do you do, Carl?
Carl is an inventor/entrepreneur.
I'm still looking
for that home run, you know.
I mean, when I saw the iPod
the first time, I was like...
I mean, I could've kicked myself.
That was so hard on him.
Now we're pretty tight on cash.
So that led you to surrogacy?
Hey, I gotta say,
when I first thought about Angie
carrying someone else's baby,
I felt weird about it.
Then I thought, "Oh, my God,
if my wife's gotta have sex with
someone else's husband to do this..."
- Out of the question.
- "...that's gonna cost extra."
It's out of the question.
Wow. This is a nice view.
So, have you done this before?
No. But I know I'm good
at getting pregnant.
what I'm asking about.
You know, we've all had our scares.
- No, not really.
- Me neither.
Pardon my asking this,
but how many couples, women,
how many people are you interviewing
before you make your decision?
I guess you're like our sixth or seventh.
And how's it going?
You know how in science they say that
gives off a different color?
I can read those auras.
I'm very sensitive to people's energies.
So, I meet new people and I get exhausted.
What color is my aura?
Let me see.
Sunsetty. It's like a sunset.
- I'm really digging it.
- Good, good.
Really good color.
Because I really hope
that you like me, Angie,
because I'm asking you
for a very big favor, you know.
You have a God-given ability
that I just don't have.
I know I could be good at this.
I think you could, too.
And, you know, it's nice to feel...
- Yeah. Needed.
I like all those words.
Yeah, well, I can't do this
without you. I've tried.
I need you, Angie.
I'm gonna make a decision.
I made my decision.
Kate, I want you
to put your baby inside me.
Angie, I'm gonna put my baby inside you.
♪ My love ♪
♪ There's only you in my life ♪
♪ The only thing that's bright ♪
♪ My first love ♪
♪ You're every breath that I take ♪
♪ You're every step I make ♪
- ♪ And I ♪
- ♪ I ♪
♪ I want to share ♪
♪ All my love with you ♪
♪ No one else will do... ♪
This stuff is good.
What's the street name for this?
- ♪ And your eyes ♪
- ♪ Your eyes, your eyes ♪
♪ They tell me how much you care ♪
♪ Ooh yes ♪
♪ You will always be ♪
♪ My endless love ♪
So as you can see,
three of Kate's fertilized eggs
to your womb, Angie.
Now with the hormones
you've been taking,
the probability of success is about 60%.
You should continue taking the hormones
and get as much rest as possible.
And in about two weeks,
you can take a home pregnancy test.
I live right here.
Thanks for driving me all the way home.
Carl couldn't leave the house
'cause he's trying to win a radio contest.
Well, I would've offered to do it anyway.
Here, let me give you some money for gas.
No, no, please. It's my treat.
Of course. Angie, you don't understand.
I want to be there for you
every step of the way.
I hope you don't mind.
I bought you some groceries.
I thought you might want
to start eating organic.
Eh. That crap is for rich people
who hate themselves.
Sorry, this place is such a mess.
I haven't had time to clean up.
No, it has
a nice old-timey smell.
Is that an alligator?
Oh, Hellboy? No, that's Carl's iguana.
Great. Well, I'm gonna
put this fruit in your refrigerator.
That's the song!
When they play "Red Red Wine,"
you gotta be the 103.7th caller.
- What up, baby lady?
Shut the door, Carl!
How am I gonna talk through a door?
How can you be the 103.7th caller?
Angie, I don't have time
to explain arithmetic to you.
That don't make no sense.
I will see you in two weeks.
Please try to get some...
Would you grab my smokes?
You know you're not supposed
to smoke in front of me.
I'm trying to quit.
- ...rest. Try to get some rest.
- Yeah, that's your situation, all right?
I'm in here trying to win us
Arena football tickets.
Close the door, Carl.
So, what we're looking for
is at least 15,000 square feet
in the next cool neighborhood.
It can be open lots.
It can be buildings that
we buy and tear down,
although no historic buildings.
We want to be perceived
as enhancing the neighborhood,
not destroying its character.
Oh, also, Barry would like to use
mostly found and recycled materials.
So that's gonna affect us, zoning-wise.
I don't care what we spend,
but we have to get it right.
Shannon! Dante! Anybody?
Sorry about that.
Welcome to Super Fruity.
What can I get you?
Does the "Orange You Glad
I Didn't Say Banana?"
In fact contain banana?
Yeah. Yeah, but it's a good question.
I think the name's a little more clever
than it is informative.
Well, I will try it.
Hey, I'm looking for a new apartment.
What is your read on this neighborhood?
The neighborhood's good.
It's good. It's changing a lot.
A lot of condos going up.
The real estate people
are trying to give it one of those
clever names, they call it WeBeSoCa,
which is Webster,
south of Catherine, I guess.
It's a little slow.
But kind of tough, you know,
going up against the man.
- Jamba Juice is the man?
Corporate juice pimps.
Thought you should know,
and you'll feel free to tell your friends.
Oh. Okay. I will tell them.
Okay, now. You have a super fruity day.
I want you to start finding out
what's available between the 1500 block
and 1800 block of West Catherine Street.
Ron, I gotta call you back.
- Hi, it's Angie.
I know. I know. So, any news?
Well, I peed on one of those
stick thingies, and it said "Yes."
Angie, that is just the greatest news!
That's just unbelievably great.
Thank you so much, Angie.
If you need anything,
anything at all, you let me know, okay?
Yeah, okay. I will.
I'm having a baby!
What if the baby's a hermaphrodite?
A chick with a dick.
I heard it happens to
about two percent of babies.
Well, that's crazy.
That would mean that ten people
from our high school were hermaphrodites.
- Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.
- No, that sounds about right, actually.
You can't solve problems
by worrying about them.
Is that Alex?
What does she want for her birthday?
Karaoke Revolution or a cell phone.
Do you think it's too much
if I ask Angie to call me every day?
She just seems so chaotic.
I don't know if she's eating right.
Is she getting enough exercise?
Is she moving around too much?
You're only six weeks in.
You can't put her in a cage
and force-feed her.
I know. I know.
Expecting a baby?
Did I tell you?
I found a location for the new store.
Yeah, I have to pitch it tomorrow.
It's gonna be a girl.
That's what's making your hair so dry.
Cash or credit?
You got baby mama drama.
Hey, I left Carl.
I found out he was effing around on me,
so we got into a huge fight.
Things got really physical.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Yeah. I didn't hit him too hard.
Hey, I brought you a picture of the baby.
You know, an ultrasound picture.
Oh, my gosh.
Looks like a squirrel.
A cute, cute squirrel.
Anyway, it's kind of early,
so you can't really see anything,
but they took a picture of it
just to make sure it's growing right.
They said all the parts are good.
Why didn't you tell me?
I would've been there.
I didn't want to bother you.
Don't worry. This couch is
more comfortable than it looks.
I also put a stack of clean towels for you
in the bathroom.
And, oh, do you need a toothbrush?
Because I have some extras
that I keep for houseguests.
Good night, squirrel.
What we have here is
our Boo Boo Buster No-Slam Door, okay?
Watch how this works.
You can just slam it.
It bounces right back.
So you can put your fingers
right on in there, and it wouldn't...
Not you, it'll only work for baby fingers.
in your premium package,
we have child protection everywhere.
The doors, the door handles,
you have the cabinets,
caps all over the outlets,
It's just babyproof all over the place.
Shouldn't be a problem
for anybody over the age of seven.
You sure have done a great job
getting an early jump
on your babyproofing.
Well, you guys are the best in the city,
and I didn't want to risk
being on a waiting list.
True. But you can't be
no more than three, four months pregnant.
There's something wrong with your toilet.
I'm sorry I broke one of your rules.
You peed in the sink.
Isn't that against everyone's rules?
Only a crazy person locks their toilet.
It's for the baby. It's safe.
Please don't touch anything else.
I'm here. I'm here. I'm sorry.
Forty-five minutes late.
This isn't like you.
I'm sorry, Barry.
I'm just a little out of whack today.
Want me to get Dr. Gary down here?
Give you a shot of bee pollen?
No, thank you. I'm good. Let's do this.
Thank you for waiting, everyone.
This may look like
a dilapidated warehouse...
♪ Lady Luck gets on my side ♪
♪ We're gonna rock this town alive ♪
♪ I'll let her rough me up... ♪
♪ She knocks me out ♪
♪ She walks like she talks
Like she talks, like she walks ♪
♪ She bangs, she bangs... ♪
- What are you doing?
What is this mess?
♪ Oh, baby, she moves, she moves... ♪
This game is awesome.
Where did you get this?
That's supposed to be
my niece's birthday present.
Angie, what kind of food is this
for a pregnant woman?
Dr. Pepper, Pringles, Tastykakes?
Angie, Red Bull?
You have to remember that you are
carrying something very precious.
- Like a little puppy.
Yeah. Or a baby.
What you eat, the baby eats.
What you listen to, the baby listens to.
If you listen to DMX,
the baby comes out going...
Are those cigarettes?
What? No. Where?
Do you know how stupid it is
to smoke at all,
let alone when you are pregnant?
I'm not smoking. I swear, I'm not...
Why would you answer my phone?
- Kate, we're moving forward.
I think that that
is a great decision, Barry.
Yes, let's get those facts
and figures, Barry, into the idea machine.
We should close in a couple of weeks.
I want you to put together
a press conference.
How about we start
with a little community outreach
and get the people
in the neighborhood on our side,
and then let the press find us?
That's why I'm a genius
for hiring people like you.
All right, you.
My job gives me access
to the most nutritious,
chemical-free food in the world.
I don't want my kid born addicted
to high-fructose corn syrup.
There is a thing called being too healthy.
That's what killed Bruce Lee.
Really? Where did you read that?
The Weekly World Dum-Dum?
All right. This is your folic acid
and this is your prenatal vitamin.
You're serious about this?
I don't want my baby to have a pinhead.
I can't do it.
I got it. It's going...
I can't swallow it.
What is this?
- I need a...
- No, I can't put it in your butt.
Angie, cats can do this. Come on.
- It's in there.
- Just try.
Close your eyes, open your mouth,
and do it! Swallow it.
Take it. There you go! You did it.
I'm just like a lot of you.
I grew up at 52nd and Walnut.
I attended West Philly High.
I smoked a joint with Hall & Oates
during the bicentennial, all of that.
But unlike a lot of you,
I have since traveled the world.
I've had papaya
on the beach at Virgin Gorda.
I've toasted pine nuts
at the mouth of an active volcano.
I sat down with Native Americans
and had some amazing salmon.
And I'm here to share
my experiences with you.
You know, I was talking to Jimmy Buffett
this morning about trans fats...
Barry, the time.
Well, I'm sorry I can't stay longer,
but I have to swing by
my son's graduation.
So I will turn you over
to our Vice President of Development,
Ms. Kate Holbrook.
Good morning and thank you...
Will there be pedestrian access
How can you charge
four dollars for one mango?
What's your carbon footprint?
Okay, how about we line up
down front here at the microphone?
And I can take your questions...
And I can take your questions
one at a time.
Rob Ackerman, WeBeSoCa
Small Business Owners' Association,
and I also own Super Fruity Smoothies.
It's like Jamba Juice.
No, it's not.
It's not like Jamba Juice at all.
I think you've been to my store.
Yes, I have. I remember.
Did you ever find
that apartment you were looking for?
Not yet. No.
Here's my question.
Exactly what portion of your profits
are gonna go towards rebuilding
and the revitalization of our community?
Thank you for that question.
Those are free, by the way.
You don't have to sneak them.
All of this stuff is our gift to you.
What a spread.
So, I had one last question for you.
You never told me
how you liked the smoothie.
Well, a little too much banana for me.
You know, Mr. Ackerman...
No, no, no.
Mr. Ackerman's my dog.
You gotta call me Rob.
Okay, Rob. I really don't want any tension
with the Small Business
So I would be happy
to sit down with you some time and...
- You asking me out on a date?
'Cause you lied to me once already.
Yes, I'm sure.
See you around.
And then he asked me if I was
asking him out, and I was like, "What?"
Is he cute?
Yes, but you're missing the point.
Hold on, Caroline.
Well, look in the refrigerator,
there's a big container
of Monster Health Pea Soup.
This looks really weird and healthy.
I don't like it.
It's good for you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic,
but I would rather be shot in the face
than eat this stupid food.
Angie, just eat it, okay? Bye.
It is like living with a child.
Well, you know, you will literally be
living with a child soon.
Maybe you need to just get used to it.
Wait. I'm an adult. She's an adult.
We will work this out.
You know, studies show that babies
can learn a second language in the womb.
You know, you should play an English tape,
so it can come out talking,
and it can be in commercials,
and you'll make a lot of money.
Next. The elephant has big ears.
Your CD's skipping.
I'm gonna watch TV instead.
Oh, man. This show's awesome.
...with his son.
That kid's gonna hit his dad in the nuts.
What could possibly go wrong?
Hey, have you seen this one before?
You have a kid with
a Wiffle Ball bat and a dad with a crotch.
in any father-son relationship.
You know, it's not gonna be funny
if you ruin the ending!
Here comes the pitch!
It is! It's still funny!
Did you just stick your gum
under my coffee table?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know?
Do you think you're
at an Arby's right now?
You know what? I wish I was at an Arby's.
'Cause there's better food
and cooler people there.
Did you stick all this gum under here?
I don't know!
Maybe you stuck some of it under there.
actually you might be right,
because sometimes when
I work a really long day,
I like to come home and chew
a huge wad of Bubblicious gum
and stick it under my
reclaimed barnwood coffee table!
Bitch, I don't know your life!
All right, ladies,
there's no need to yell.
Well, the mystery remains
as to who put the gum under there.
No, it doesn't.
Kate, you're used to being the boss,
and, Angie, being pregnant
makes you feel vulnerable and sensitive.
I know my hormones are
on a rollercoaster right now.
Are you saying...
That's right. I'm expecting again.
a social security check?
- It's weird, isn't it?
These conflicts are normal.
This is a highly unusual relationship,
and that's what this support group is for.
Jonathan would like to share again.
I mean, I'm only saying
because this reminded me
of something I was journaling,
just the other day.
I feel really bad
because Karen and I are fighting a lot,
because I think she's
becoming morbidly obese.
And I keep reminding him
that she is pregnant.
And then I realized that I am...
I'm... No. I am... Okay.
and it's really hard,
because she's so fat.
And I love Christopher so much,
and he's fat, and I'm afraid
the baby's gonna be fat.
And it's just me and two fatties.
I'm proud of you, Jonathan.
Thank you for sharing that.
Yeah, that's a...
- I can go.
The wife and I are Methodists.
Ashley here is a Wiccan.
It's kind of like a witch.
They have stores, I think.
But, you know, at first, I was a little
worried about a witch carrying my child,
but I came around to the idea,
or she put a spell on me.
Did you do that, Ashley?
- I'd like to share something.
Okay, I don't know,
like, all the therapy terms...
Well, I don't know
the therapy terms, either.
I don't go to therapy.
Yeah, but I'd just like to say
that Kate is always up in my bidness.
Well, when someone falls asleep
with a curling iron in their hair,
it becomes necessary
to insert yourself in their bidness.
That happened two times!
Angie, bottom line,
you're carrying Kate's baby,
and you do wanna get paid, right?
that Kate does deserve some input.
But, Kate, you must remember
that a surrogate is not your employee,
but your partner.
Yeah, Kate, we're partners,
like Tom and Jerry.
Tom and Jerry hate each other.
What? They love each other!
What show are you watching?
They're a cat and a mouse.
They have so much fun together!
Children in Japan can understand that.
You are dead wrong.
I want you two
to spend more time together.
- That's impossible. We're always together.
- I don't... Yeah.
Let Angie help you get ready for the baby.
Decorate the nursery together,
pick out a crib.
Do all the things you would do
if you were pregnant,
just do them with Angie.
Wake up, partner.
It's time for birthing class.
Welcome to The Birthing Center.
In this birthing class,
we are going to help
you new mommies and daddies,
and our mommies and mommies,
...prepare for that marathon of labor.
Quick question before we start.
How many of you are planning
on doing natural childbirth?
That's a good show of hands.
That's so great, you're all so great.
And how many of you are planning
on using toxic Western medications
to drug your baby for
your own selfish comfort? Anyone?
Now this, this is the Lexus of strollers.
Got an iPod adapter, leather trim.
Check that out, feel that.
- Back of your hand, back of your hand.
Now, what's the first word you think of
when you think of stroller?
Okay, what's the second word you think of?
It's "top-of-the-line safety features."
Check this out.
I'll take it.
♪ I'm never gonna dance again ♪
♪ Guilty feet have got no rhythm ♪
♪ Though it's easy to pretend ♪
♪ I know you're not a fool... ♪
What is the point of that game?
It gives you points depending on
how good you sing.
I'm the highest scorer.
You're the only one that's ever played it.
What is that smell?
I'm dying my roots.
I was just trying to get some highlights.
So many chemicals!
You're a brunette,
you don't understand!
You're a brunette!
I was blond when I was a kid!
I'm clean. I'm clean!
I'm sorry, I think I may have
overreacted back there.
It's just this whole thing
is very important to me.
it makes me a little bit crazy
that you get to feel it and experience it,
while I just watch.
And I might be a little bit jealous.
Jealous? How could you be jealous of me?
I'm sorry I called you stupid.
I'm sorry I farted into your purse.
I found this shell while running barefoot
through the Toronto airport.
I want you to make
our flagship store like this shell.
You want it to look like the shell?
You know, Rick, when you talk to me
in that tone of voice,
I get incredibly angry.
I couldn't have been more specific...
You want it to have
the essence of the shell.
Yes, that's it, exactly.
Thank you, Kate.
I'm sorry I flipped, Rick.
Give me the essence of this shell.
As your pregnancy progresses,
your partner can help you
prep your perineum
for the great stretch of delivery.
Massage the area daily with a little EVOO
to help you stretch and prevent tearing.
What is she talking about?
I think she wants me
to rub olive oil on your taint.
Is it cool if maybe I just
spray a little PAM down in that area,
right before the baby comes out?
You have to admit,
it's a valid suggestion.
So, are you pissed
that no one ever married you?
Well, I almost got married once
to a guy named Scott.
We were together for six and a half years.
Damn, just shy of common-law.
He was the only guy I ever lived with.
So now he has three kids,
beautiful kids, with another woman,
an old coworker of mine, actually.
You know what? Don't worry about it,
'cause you're super-successful,
and you have sweet-ass legs.
Thank you, I think.
I had one good boyfriend before Carl.
We used to work at Blimpie together
when we were 16,
and sit and eat pickles in the back.
He waited a whole month
before he touched my boobs.
Then he went
to the University of Scranton,
and I never heard from him again.
He was my Justin Timberlake.
Angie, you can still have
a totally different life.
You're a very smart person.
I figured out how
to beat you at this game, by the way.
Yeah, that's what it's about.
There's a lot of techniques
that you can use.
♪ I come home in the morning light ♪
♪ My mother says
When you gonna live your life right... ♪
You gotta hold the note till the end.
♪ We're not the fortunate ones ♪
♪ And girls just want to have fun... ♪
♪ Oh, girls just want to have fun... ♪
Come on, get up here.
♪ They just wanna, they just wanna ♪
♪ They just wanna, they just wanna ♪
♪ Girls! ♪
♪ Girls just wanna have fun ♪
I think that was harmony.
That was harmony!
Look at her. She's got good jugs.
My avatar is dressed like a whore.
♪ Don't scream about ♪
♪ Don't think aloud ♪
♪ Turn your head
Now baby just spit me out ♪
♪ Don't worry about
Don't speak of doubt ♪
♪ Turn your head
Now baby just spit me out... ♪
So, what do you wanna talk about, Carl?
I want you to come home.
Baby, I miss you.
I haven't had sex in two weeks.
I've been gone a month.
Carl, after spending time with Kate,
I kind of feel like I can evaluate
the direction my life is going,
and I feel like that direction
does not include you.
You and your best friend, Kate?
I got bad news.
She's using you to have a baby.
You think you guys
would be friends in real life?
She's a business lady. It's just business.
You don't even know her, Carl.
All right, you got no right
to cut me out of this deal.
Who's the one who said you should go
into the baby-making business
in the first place? Me.
When the pee-stick said "No,"
who's the one who figured out
how to keep things going?
- You should...
- Here you go, hon.
You shouldn't have forged
that pregnancy test, Carl.
Maybe you should've
actually gotten pregnant
like you were supposed to.
You did a dumb thing,
moving in with that lady.
We were supposed to forge the test,
send her the ultrasound picture
in the mail,
and then cash the checks. One, two, three.
The ultrasound looked
like a squirrel, by the way.
'Cause it was a squirrel.
That's all I could find on the Internet.
Look, Katie's gonna notice.
You're not getting bigger.
When you go to the doctor's office,
and you take the test, she's gonna know.
Sweetie, you're not smart enough
to pull this off.
Excuse me. These are mine, right?
How far along are you?
I'm pretty pregnant.
She's 14 weeks.
You're so lucky.
You're not showing at all.
Nice talking to you.
♪ I don't give a damn
'Bout my bad reputation ♪
♪ You're living in the past
It's a new generation ♪
♪ An' I only feel good
When I got no pain ♪
♪ An' that's how I'm gonna stay ♪
♪ An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my bad reputation... ♪
I'm going to work. Feel better, okay?
I'm done. No. I'm not done!
Sounds like she's dying.
Just so pregnant.
- On your hand.
- Right... Yup... See. Right.
Girl, that's vomit!
Do something about
them vomit chunks, girl!
♪ Oh no ♪
♪ Not me, not me ♪
I love it, Kate.
I wanna reward you with five minutes
of uninterrupted eye contact.
You can stay, Rick, if you... Okay.
In the last 24 hours, I got clearances
on the titles and the permits,
from the city and the states,
and Barry on the plane to surf camp.
I'm at the top of my game.
Let's do something. Let's celebrate!
I thought we could order food
and watch this DVD that I got.
It's a British documentary about a woman
who gives birth
to a 15-pound baby, vaginally.
Can't wait to not watch this.
You and I need to go out.
- Let's go clubbing.
You need to get out of your comfort zone.
- Go meet some dudes.
Although, I do have a new ginger
body splash that I've been dying to try.
That's really frisky. Let's do it.
You're going to be a father.
And with a HE-TUS pregnancy simulator...
...you'll be able
to temporarily experience
the miracle of pregnancy,
including weight gain...
...shortness of breath,
increased bladder pressure
and frequency of urination.
Changes in sexual self-image,
and much, much more.
You're wearing that?
Well, we are going to a nightclub.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, ladies ♪
♪ Girls, girls ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, ladies... ♪
Ain't no good gonna come of this.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, ladies... ♪
This place is awesome.
I haven't been
to a place like this since, um... ever.
Okay. She'll have a double margarita,
no ice, and two of those.
And I'll have a bottle of water.
- Hey, let's dance.
- Stop framing your face.
- I think it's good!
- It's not.
Here, drink this!
Oh, my God! That is strong.
Is it? Try this one.
That is stronger!
I know, I know. Do this shot.
Why am I doing this?
- Are you having fun?
- I am.
You know what I've always wanted to do?
This one is for the ladies!
All right! Good slow jam!
All right! All right! Hey! Hey!
Listen to it!
It's a really beautiful song!
If I was alone, I mean, not pregnant,
I would be macking on all of this.
There's nobody here
I would ever go out with.
Are you serious?
What about that guy?
He looks like a laundry bag full of meat.
What about that guy over there?
He's wearing a suit.
You're so picky!
Well, at least he's not
a grade-A dork like that guy.
- Oh, my God, Scott!
That's my ex-boyfriend,
Scott, that I told you about.
Why is he here?
- You went out with him?
- I did.
- Oh, he's beautiful.
- Where? Look at his mustache.
- I know!
- I'm gonna go say hi.
- No, don't, it's a bad id...
Kate, I'm gonna watch your drink.
Kate, my gosh, you look great!
What are you doing here?
I'm just clubbing.
You remember my wife, Jean, huh?
Hi, Jean, how are you?
We just bought a house in Bucks County.
I'm still doing stuff
for Doctors Without Borders.
Recently, we took in
some Hurricane Katrina dogs.
And I was in a bicycle accident
that made my penis bigger.
How are you?
I'm doing awesome.
I've just been working a lot,
and I cannot have babies, it turns out.
So, good job picking this one.
What it is, actually,
is my uterus is T-shaped,
which is like...
So, but actually, funny story. See that...
Okay, see that little blonde woman,
- I am paying her to have my...
- Hi. Stop talking now.
Why does he make me so crazy?
Forget about him.
He dumped you. He's an asshole.
No, he's a good person.
No, you're a good person.
You don't need another
good person around you
That's your thing.
He's trying to take that from you!
He wanted to marry me,
and I wanted to focus on work.
Of course, you did!
Because working is awesome
and being married sucks!
That's his car.
- What, this right here?
Silver Infiniti, Penn State sticker,
baseball mitt in the backseat...
This is Scott.
You know what we should do?
I was gonna say leave a funny note!
Where are we?
What? You're so wasted.
Stop right here! This is good.
Pull over right here.
Angie, I'm gonna go get
a ginger carrot juice,
and you should go home and get some rest,
because you look very sleepy and tired.
Where are you going?
Yeah, well, it looks about the same
as when you're open.
Don't tell me, your people are gonna start
bulldozing the neighborhood tonight.
Yeah, I'm... I'm really, really sorry
that I'm so good at my job.
What is this, a taste test?
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
No, that... That's not...
- It's horrible.
- Not very good.
It's a combination
of papaya juice and coffee.
I keep this notepad
by my bed in the middle of the night,
and I write down these ideas
when I'm half asleep,
and they never make any sense.
- I do that, too.
And then I wake up, and I have
these little notes that say things like,
"make everybody be twins"
and "electric toilet."
Those are not good ideas.
They're really not.
So why are you out so late?
Are you a prostitute at night, or...
I went out tonight
for the first time in a long time,
and I let a friend of mine dress me.
Well, your friend is a great American.
You know, I really like your logo.
Yeah, I did it myself.
I really like it.
You don't think it looks... like a penis?
- No, I don't see that.
No, I don't see that.
Over here you got two obvious...
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- ...stiff ones... No?
No, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh, you're being nice. Thank you.
Also, I don't think you wanna
pick a fight with Jamba Juice.
I mean, they're not exactly Walmart.
Well, they are. They're the Exxon
of frozen juice companies.
Yes, I think I saw
a Michael Moore documentary about that.
Oops. That's embarrassing.
So is that offer to get together some time
still on the table?
Are you asking me out?
Yes, I think I am.
Okay, yes, then, yes. Yeah.
This came off my head.
Some of that hair's real, right?
No. I'm bald. I'm...
These are real.
So we got that going for us.
What's up, hot stuff?
What are you doing here?
I told you to stay away from me.
You think you're getting
this payday without me?
No way. I want my half, okay?
And I've got insurance,
the actual pee-stick.
I don't even know if that's real.
You probably peed on it.
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
But I'll tell you this.
It's gonna raise a lot of questions
when Kate takes this down to the lab,
and they start doing
DNA tests with CSI stuff,
and molecules and proteins
and the hair follicles,
and they're gonna connect the dots.
And then you're gonna be busted.
Carl, I don't wanna do
any of this anymore.
I want a common-law divorce.
You wanna give me back the ring
that I made for you in metal shop?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, you know what?
I'll tell you when
this relationship's over,
because there's a lot of girls
that are sitting on the bench
that wanna come into this game, all right?
So I am canceling this relationship, okay?
- Please come back to me, Angie.
- Oh, my God!
Wait, wait! Hold on, hold on, please!
I wanna say goodbye to you proper, okay?
We owe that to one another.
- Can we please have a quickie in the car?
- Oh, my...
- What's wrong with you?
You know what?
I'm not gonna be here for you
when Kate kicks you out.
So deal with that.
My girl rocks?
My girl does not rock, okay?
My girl is a divorcée.
So I hope you got Kleenex,
'cause you just said goodbye
to the coolest thing
that ever happened to you.
I'm gonna bang your friends.
Consider them all banged.
The reason I called you collect is 'cause
it's gonna take more than a few quarters
to express how I feel about you, baby.
Hey, where you going?
I knew something was up when I saw
you beating your baby bump like that.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this.
Everything just got way out of hand.
I think I'm just gonna split.
That's a good idea.
Just slip away in the dead of night
and leave Kate thinking
you stole the baby.
That would destroy her.
This ain't some little scam where
you just call up Domino's and be like,
"Yo. You know,
I'm doing some church youth event.
I need ten free pizzas."
Why, does that work?
You're lying about
the existence of a human being.
If you don't tell her,
you'll never be able
to live with yourself.
Maybe you can tell her after I'm gone.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
Not a damn thing, 'cause
you're gonna tell her yourself.
I've got a surprise for you.
I got a surprise for you, too.
It is a brochure for the
Philadelphia School of Textiles.
They've got a great fashion program.
But that's not
the whole surprise. Open it.
I'm giving you your check early.
Oh, no, Kate. I can't take that.
You gotta put that through the agency.
No, it's not gonna bounce.
Don't you trust me?
Where are we going?
You have an ultrasound appointment.
What? No. Today's Thursday.
Ultrasound isn't Thursday.
Birthing class is Thursday.
Usually, but you're 18 weeks
and so you have another ultrasound.
Oh. I can't wait.
I hope the baby's in a good position,
so we can see its little profile,
because I'd really like to get one
of those printouts to hang over my desk.
Do you think it could look like me yet?
Could the baby look like you
at 18 weeks?
it has little tiny glasses?
That's me trying to make a joke.
- That's cold.
- Sorry about that.
If... When you get mad,
do you stay mad for a long time?
I'm a big grudge-holder, actually.
- Hear that?
That's your heartbeat. You nervous?
Yeah, a little.
Okay, I'm just...
Just having a little trouble finding...
You're gonna have a lot of trouble.
Kate, I gotta tell you something.
I'm not really...
Oh! There's the baby's heartbeat.
- I'm not really... What?
- Isn't it wonderful?
- There's a baby in there?
- How did it get in there?
- It's a miracle.
What did you wanna tell me?
I'm so excited.
What do you mean, pregnant?
I thought you was lying to Kate.
I was. I am.
It's not Kate's baby. It's Carl's.
- So the procedure thing...
- Didn't take.
And then I was crying,
so Carl and I did it.
And it's just country.
I missed a couple periods,
and I thought maybe it was my hormones,
you know what I'm talking about?
No, I don't know nothing about that.
But then I started spotting,
and I thought that was my period,
but usually I don't have a heavy flow.
My boobs didn't hurt,
so I was like, "It's not my period..."
You know what? Look,
I'm just gonna lay it out, all right?
I'm not discussing
the lady business with you.
I mean, I think
it's a beautiful thing and all that,
but it's disgusting, okay?
And I'm afraid
if we keep talking about it,
that our cycles might synchronize...
What am I supposed to do, Oscar?
I can't cash that check.
I can't take any of Kate's money.
But I am gonna stay here
until I figure out what to do.
I don't know anything
about being a mother.
You better start learning.
It's good if the kid's raised here,
though, you know?
better apartment, better situation.
Is that what you want?
No, I wanna keep it.
Have you read this?
"One in four million babies
are born with a full set of teeth."
Angie, it's gonna be fine.
Where you going?
I have a date with that guy, Rob.
Are you gonna tell him about me?
No. I've made that mistake before.
It turns out they don't like it
when you talk about the successful
transfer of embryos on the first date.
Read the chapter about hermaphrodites.
You won't sleep for a week.
Hello, folks, my name is Chet.
I'm your waiter.
Are you folks familiar with
the raw food vegan movement?
- I think he is, more than I am.
Okay, should we start
with some appetizers?
Yeah. How's the sea kelp pizza?
That's got a nice earthy taste,
little bit of a dirt taste.
It's very nice.
Oh. Salty. We'll stay away from that.
You know what looks good
is the blue algae?
- You wanna just...
- Yes, yes.
Excellent. Be right back.
So what kind of law did you practice?
Corporate. You know
when you're watching the news,
and you see some bloated CEO
involved in a scandal,
and you kind of wonder to yourself,
"How is this prick
not going straight to jail?"
Sometimes it was because of me.
You must be very proud.
All right, here's your blue-green algae
and a yeast bowl for the table.
- Thank you.
This looks good.
- Oh, it's warm.
What about you? You like your work?
I do, but I mean,
I have other things
in my life besides my job.
I like to travel for work.
Oh, that's a...
That's a good yeast.
How long have you been vegan?
I'm sorry. I'm not,
I thought that you were,
and that's why I took you here.
Because of where you work,
- I never would have... Oh, God.
- No. No.
- Can we... Yeah, you want to...
- I eat meat.
Yeah, I eat meat like nobody's business.
I'll have a large steak with provolone,
no Cheez Whiz, no onions,
peppers on the side,
don't overcook the meat.
Also, I'd like you
to slice me a new fresh roll,
because those ones have been
sitting out for a long time.
I want a Birch Beer, cold, no cup.
You really should consider changing
those Styrofoam cups to paper ones,
because they're very bad
for the environment.
Yeah, I'll have the same.
I'm sorry. I'm a little overly thorough.
Some people would say
that I am bossy and controlling.
No, that's just prejudice.
They call you bossy and controlling
'cause you're a woman.
But if you were
a man doing the same stuff,
you'd just be a dick.
No one's ever called me
a dick before on a date.
Term of endearment.
So listen, there's something
that I haven't told you.
And it may be a deal-breaker.
Oh, boy, you are super fruity, aren't you?
But I do have a daughter.
She's 12 years old and she lives with me
every other weekend.
I think that's great.
Okay. You have any kids?
I've never been married.
you don't have
to be married to have a kid.
- Do you want to go back to my...
I was going to say apartment,
just to be clear.
Yeah. I'm 37. I know how this works.
- Let's go.
It's actually this way.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Look who just got inducted
into the walk of shame.
Why are you all shiny
like a soul food cook?
I want you, now,
to look your partner in the eye,
and I want you to tell her
she is beautiful.
You are beautiful.
Tell her, "You are strong."
You are strong.
Tell her, "Thank you
for giving me this baby."
Thank you for giving me this baby.
- Are you crying?
I am. I'm crying a little bit.
Romaine, Cheyenne, time to go.
We have a playdate
with Wingspan and Banjo.
Those kids would have got their asses
handed to them in my neighborhood.
My sister wants to know what kind
of cake you want for the shower.
Kate, I don't think
I should go to that, you know?
I mean, that's just kind of for you.
No, it's for both of us.
My mother wants to meet you
and make you feel weird.
Yes. Barry, hi.
No, I'm pulling into
the construction site right now.
Think I went to a rave here once.
Please, I asked you to wait in the car.
It's too hot in there,
and your weirdo air conditioning,
I don't know how to work it.
- Barry, I'm sorry.
- Kate, where you been?
I'm having second thoughts
about this location.
Is it the taxes?
It's probably because this place
gives you a weird vibe, right?
Yes. That one.
I'm not getting good vibes here.
And if there's one thing Oprah taught me,
it's to trust my instincts
and follow my fear.
Is that the episode where
she got her ears pierced?
No, this was at her home in Maui.
Who are you?
She works for me.
She's very intuitive.
I read people's energies.
- You read energies?
Good. Very good.
How's the energy in this site?
Like healthy leaves.
I like your maid.
So do I.
Let me put my hands into your hands,
and I'll whisper to you
the secret of success.
So, are we back on?
We were never off.
What did he say?
- The secret of success.
He said, "Have a big penis."
- No, he didn't.
- Yeah, he did.
♪ Staring up into the solar system ♪
♪ All the stars are fixed up
In the sky... ♪
♪ I just want to sparkle for a moment ♪
♪ Before I just fizzle out and die ♪
♪ I'm happy because I'm stupid ♪
♪ Scared of spiders, scared of flying ♪
♪ So just be gentle with me ♪
♪ I'm not as young as I was ♪
♪ And I'll be gentle with you ♪
♪ I'm not as brave as I thought ♪
♪ 'Cause my heart gets broken so easily ♪
♪ So just be gentle
Be gentle with me... ♪
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Look! Wait.
- Is that the face?
- I think.
That was a big one!
Oh, my God. What does it feel like?
Like if you ate a meatball sandwich,
then that meatball sandwich
was kicking you.
I think I gotta tell Rob
about you and the baby.
Well, we've been going out for a month,
and I didn't think
it would turn into anything,
but it sort of is.
I don't think that's a good idea.
You know, he may break up with you.
Yeah, but the longer I wait,
the weirder it's gonna be.
It's gonna be weird no matter what.
He'll know I'm hiding something.
I'm the worst liar.
Okay, tell me three things about yourself
and make one of them a lie.
-I'm from Pennsylvania,
I am a Leo, and I am five-foot-nine.
I don't want to...
This is why I can't lie to him.
You're not lying to him.
You're just not telling him the truth,
there's a big difference.
I don't know. Don't ask me.
♪ Don't speak, I can't even take it ♪
♪ And I don't need no reason... ♪
I'm Rob. I'm here to pick up Kate.
Sorry, I'm a little early.
I was just in the neighborhood, so...
Do come in.
- Hello, I'm Angela.
I'm Kate's sister, so...
We are in the same family.
And I was just practicing
the ancient Japanese art of karaoke.
You're delightful. Hello. Oh, well.
Whoo. I can see how
she likes you so much. Kate?
- You live here?
- No, no.
I live in New York City
in a pied-à-terre apartment
with a husband that I have.
Wow, so you're just
kind of visiting here, or...
He's in the stock market.
So we go from city to city,
visiting other stock markets.
And that's how we roll.
It's funny, 'cause you guys
don't look alike at all.
- Different dads?
We have different dads.
That's what we have.
We have different dads.
Thank you for that.
Is that my phone?
I didn't actually hear...
It was. Hold on, it's from Europe. Hello?
It's a business call. So nice to meet you.
How long did he talk to you?
Hi. Look at you, early bird.
Okay, it's nice to see you.
- Oh, my gosh, well, let's go.
Does your sister want to come with us?
No, she's not well.
- Bye, Angela.
Yeah, good. Push, and boom!
It's that easy. What movie we watching?
Extreme Vaginal Delivery.
"The miracle of really big childbirth."
You can't come back from that.
That's why you always
want to stay over here, huh?
- It's one of the reasons.
how long is your sister in town?
Angie's not really my sister.
I know. She's your half-sister.
She told me.
What else did Angela tell you?
she told me that you like me a lot.
Well, she's a liar. She's a known liar.
What is this?
Jillian wants me to take her to an exhibit
of abnormal skulls at the Mütter Museum.
Do you need me to get out of here?
No, no. No, I was gonna see
if you wanted to come.
- You want me to meet your daughter?
- Is that a bad idea?
No. I really, really like kids.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, I know.
- Have you read this article?
This Chaffee Backnell lady.
- She is a piece of work.
I mean, her whole surrogacy process is
There's so many kids
that need to be adopted.
Well, adoption can take years.
And these people would pay,
like, you know, $50,000, in order to...
It's $100,000, actually.
You know, have your baby
custom-carried by a gestation assistant.
What is that?
Well, I think it's probably
more complicated than it seems.
A lot of rich people
getting what they want.
Oh. I hate that song.
- Here you go. You got it?
- Yeah, I'm good.
So, do you feel good
You're just going to let Kate go ahead
and have this whole baby shower, right?
You don't realize
how ruthless that is, right?
Hey, man, that's a sweet cake.
That's tight. That's tight.
Service entrance, straight to the terrace.
What am I supposed to do?
Tell her today, in front of all
of her friends and her family?
No, no, no. Wait till the child is,
like, nine years old,
and then tell her,
like my first ex did me.
Okay, I'm going to tell her tonight.
But then it'll ruin her week,
so maybe I should wait till Friday.
Then it would ruin her weekend,
so maybe I should...
I don't know when I'm gonna tell her.
When's the best day
to tell someone horrible news?
I tell you, a pagan birth
is a fascinating thing.
You know, now that I've done it myself,
it seems crazy not to eat the placenta.
I'm sorry, did you say
polenta or placenta?
Placenta, the afterbirth, yeah.
Ashley turned us onto it...
Hi, I'm Caroline,
- Kate's sister. Nice to meet you.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
And this is our mother, Rose.
Hi, nice to meet you.
How do you do?
So, tell me, once the baby is born,
will you just go away,
or shall I expect you at Christmas?
This is a reasonable question.
All my friends are asking.
Well, we haven't
really talked about it.
No, there's not a lot of stuff
we've talked about,
we have a lot of stuff to talk about.
I think Angie might want
to visit the baby a few times a year.
You know, or I might be out of town,
I don't know where I'm going.
I mean, I think
I've got plans, but I'll definitely call.
Summer, if we're on vacation, maybe Angie
would want to come with us some time.
And who knows where
we're going to be in a year?
I think it's really important
that she remain a part of the baby's life.
Yeah, you know, or completely separate.
We're just going
to play it fast and loose,
you know, just see how it all shakes out.
Always been my motto.
- Rob? Hi.
Hey, I know
it's your sister's baby shower,
just, you haven't called me in days.
I thought maybe I did something wrong.
No, you didn't do anything.
Is it because I wanted
to introduce you to my kid?
No, Rob, I just...
I think you and I
view the world differently.
Bad news people, party's over.
- Start heading for the door.
- Who let him in here?
Carl, don't say something stupid.
Oh. She hasn't told you.
I thought since
you guys were best friends,
- she probably told you everything.
- Shut your mouth, Carl.
What is going on?
She's not even pregnant, okay?
I mean, look.
Angie, what is that?
- It's moving.
- Yeah, it's a baby.
And it's yours.
What are you saying?
Kate, I really tried
to make you a baby, I swear.
What are you saying?
We took a test
as soon as we got home,
and the procedure didn't work.
And I was real, you know, horny,
because of all the hormones.
So we did it.
I felt like a failure.
And Carl told me you were
going to get somebody else.
Those hormones can also
give you a false negative.
That's why they want you to wait
two weeks before you take a test.
- Wait, what?
- So she might not be pregnant?
Yo, where you escape from, man?
I'm saying the baby might be Carl's,
but it might still be mine.
Okay, then forget what I said.
I'm trying to play catch-up here.
So you got your sister pregnant,
- but she slept with him?
- No, she's not my sister.
She's an ignorant, white-trash woman
that I paid to carry my kid.
I deserve that.
No, you don't.
How could you do that?
This is why I didn't call you back, Rob,
because this is the kind of selfish,
that you don't want any part of.
Well, the upside is,
it looks like I might be a dad.
So if it's a boy, I want to marry you.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry about what's happened.
But I think it's best to wait until
the pregnancy is far enough along
for DNA testing,
before we do anything drastic.
That was quite a kick.
How can you be pregnant?
Your eggs are from the '40s.
And you're saying hurtful things.
We'll have a DNA sample sent to the lab.
The rest will be handled in family court.
if the baby turns out not to be yours,
we'll waive our fees.
What about all the background checks?
Passed. With flying colors.
You were living with her,
and you didn't notice anything.
She fooled us, Kate.
She fooled us all.
I fooled myself.
I booked you a room here,
until we sort this out.
So you're done with me, now, is that it?
You don't need me anymore?
Gonna try to find
some other lowlife you can use
to give you everything you ever wanted?
I'm not gonna do this.
You know, you think
you're better than me...
I am certain that I am better than you.
Okay, we're being honest now?
I can have a baby, and you can't.
And that drives you crazy.
Get out of my car.
Your stupid space car's locked me in.
Don't touch it when I'm touching it.
Just open it!
Yeah, you bang on the door,
that's how you open it.
Well, you can't even find the stupid...
Raised by wolves!
Tell me how to open it!
Stop touching it, and I will open it.
It is open now.
Look, buddy, you don't have
to sell me on the product, I'm already in.
Here's what I'm asking.
Do you have a discount policy
if you're related to
one of the girls that's gone wild?
♪ Fading out of sight ♪
♪ Into the back of your mind ♪
♪ All this water under the bridge ♪
♪ Everything comes sneaking back ♪
♪ And we didn't talk after that ♪
♪ Nobody saw you fall ♪
♪ Nobody saw you fall ♪
♪ Nobody saw you fall ♪
Enjoy it, Kate. This is your baby.
I'm going to go hide this shell
somewhere in the store.
Can I get an "Orange You Glad
I Didn't Say Banana"?
Holbrook versus Ostrowiski.
I take it this is a paternity case.
it's a maternity case, Your Honor.
Katherine Holbrook hired
this woman to be her surrogate,
now we're not sure
whose egg this is in here.
What are you doing here?
some legal help, so I'm helping.
- And you are?
- I'm Rob Ackerman,
formerly with the firm
Swanson and Weisberg.
- Yeah, now he makes
You mean like Jamba Juice?
Yes, Your Honor,
it's exactly like Jamba Juice.
'Cause I love Jamba Juice.
- Who doesn't?
You don't need a lawyer,
you know, we're just here
to read some results.
But I know that I have
the right to a lawyer.
And you are?
Carl Loomis, Your Highness.
I'm here to seek
joint custody of that fetus.
Your Honor, this dummy
used to be my husband.
Did you provide a DNA sample, Mr. Loomis?
What's that now?
Did you give someone
a hair follicle or a vial of your blood?
No. Not as it pertains to this case.
All right, then you're
going to have to take a seat.
And if you disrupt the proceedings again,
I'll ask the bailiff to escort you out.
Not scared of her.
May I have
the lab results, please?
Okay, I would like to testify
on behalf of the prosecution.
There is no prosecution.
Aye, aye, sir.
If you insist,
you can make a statement
and have it entered on the record.
- No, no, that's not necessary.
- No, I insist.
I would like to say something.
I never should have listened to Carl.
I should have done
the right thing. I just...
This whole thing made you feel so happy.
And it made me feel so important.
I should have told you the truth.
And I'm sorry I didn't.
I was just scared.
I also want to thank you.
I didn't like it sometimes,
but you made me grow up.
I know I was supposed
to help you have a baby.
But you ended up teaching me
how to be a mother.
So, thank you. And I'm sorry.
She'd be a great mom, Your Honor.
Kid wouldn't get away with shit.
Let's watch the language, please.
Freedom of speech,
look it up, it's in the thing...
What Ms. Ostrowiski
is trying to say, Your Honor,
is that what she did was wrong.
It was extremely wrong.
Cool it, you're my lawyer.
And one of these lies, it's so easy
for them to spin out of control.
This guy, Carl Loomis, he lied to Angie.
And then Angie lied to Kate,
and Kate lied to me,
and it was a mistake. I mean, it was a...
It's a mess, this is all a...
It's a mess. This is a real mess.
That's the worst closing argument
I've ever heard.
Yeah, I know. I know. I'm a little rusty.
Kate. I just never wanted to come back
into a courtroom ever again.
And I came here for you.
I rest my case.
Your Honor, I think we are more than ready
for you to read the results.
Let the record show that the DNA test
indicates that Ms. Holbrook
is not the mother of this child.
Okay to get home?
Of course. Yeah.
I remember the day
I found out I was going to have a kid.
Wow. I'll never take it for granted again.
Well, I'd still like
to meet that kid some time.
I'll give you a call.
You come by the store.
Okay, I'll definitely come by.
I'm sorry, Kate.
I just threw up.
You look nice in a suit, by the way.
♪ It's not Christmas
If the snow don't fall ♪
♪ And I'm still standing here
Three feet small ♪
♪ Lose our troubles because after all ♪
♪ It's Christmas time ♪
♪ It's Christmas time... ♪
So, I guess I'll see you later?
Probably not, actually.
I've been off Dr. Pepper for two weeks.
This is water.
Good for you.
Angie, I think your water broke.
Your water is breaking.
I got to get a bus
to take me to the hospital.
Let me drive you, I'll drive you.
Okay, hold this.
- I'm not due for three weeks.
- I know.
Should we clean that up?
No, somebody else will get that.
This is really happening, isn't it?
This is really happening.
It's so weird, 'cause I feel totally calm.
it feels like I'm shitting a knife.
- Why won't you bitches help me?
- Okay, I'll take it from here.
- I want to go with her.
Are you family?
She's my sister.
Oh, God, holy...
This way. Sorry, sorry.
- Give me some drugs. Give me this.
- You don't need drugs.
- I want those drugs.
You'll never get me, pig!
Get out of my way!
Is that guy dead? Is he dead?
We need some olive oil to rub on my taint.
It's too late. It's too late.
Okay, this is gonna go great.
I don't know what you're crying about.
I gotta walk out of here alone.
That's a good joke, Dr. Manheim.
Okay, and give me a big one.
Big one! Whoa!
Nothing. Okay. All right, ready?
Kate, I'm so glad you're here.
You don't look good, by the way.
I feel a little dizzy.
- Okay, and give me a big one.
Big one! Whoa!
- How are you feeling?
I fainted in the delivery room.
Well, Oscar's bringing you
a change of clothes,
and Mom is here, in case you die.
And somebody else wants to say hi. Hey.
I'm scared your friend, Angie,
has me on speed dial.
She called me, like, ten times
to get down here and take care of you.
- Me, too.
- How is she?
How is the baby?
Great, she's just... She's beautiful.
It's a girl.
Got a smile...
- Good morning.
Hi. Hi, there. Hi.
Could I have a moment alone
with Kate, please?
Sure. I'm going to go check on Mom.
Hi. How can I help you?
Hi. Well, we got your blood work back.
You are slightly anemic,
which explains the fainting.
But there's something else
you need to know.
I paid a man thousands of dollars
to tell me that that's impossible.
Well, you're only about eight weeks along,
but you are definitely pregnant.
He said the chances were one in a million.
Well, I'd start buying lottery tickets,
if I were you.
Wait a minute.
- I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Hi. Can I see her?
She's gorgeous. What's her name?
This is Stef.
Stephanie, that's beautiful.
No, Stefani. Like Gwen Stefani.
Even better. Hello.
Are you waking up?
So, you're pregnant.
How'd you know that?
I can read people's energies.
Plus, your sister told me.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Stefani ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Are you two still together?
No, we're not together.
He's just trying to be a better father,
take some parenting classes.
He just started.
I see you.
You think you're funny, punk?
What'd I tell you about hiding from me?
Quit hiding from me.
You think you're funny?
This is a gasoline-powered
Oh, my God, Carl.
You bought a motorcycle
for a one-year-old?
- That is crazy.
- Really crazy.
That's exactly what she wanted! Yay!
Kate, let me give your baby my mojo.
Well, time is love. Got to run.
Oh, I love this episode.