Baby Fever (2017) - full transcript

(rock music)

(rock music)

My little Pisces
can't be going to uni.

Isn't she only 12?

Come on mom.

It's not like I'm
moving to Lithuania.

I'll visit heaps.

Why don't I stay
for dinner tonight.

I can move in the morning.

Such a thoughtful child.

Alright, call your
father and tell him



he's only got time
for nine holes.

Will you do your stroganoff?

Of course.

Be a dear and just put that
into the freezer, would you?

(laughter)

That's, oh, that's...

Brian from the underpass.

He's a shocker.

Chris, kind on
skin and body day.

Sorry.

That sucks.

Look, I've never
smoked a day in my life

and now I've got
wrinkles on my feet.

On my feet.



Yeah, well you know what,

I've given up giving up.

Get pregnant.

That's what I did.

Pregnant.

God, I'll be smoking
til I'm a hundred.

Cute kid.

Who?

This one in front of the camels.

Oh, bugger ruined the shot.

Girls, I think I have
to love and leave you.

Karla wants stroganoff
for a farewell dinner.

I thought that was last night?

It was.

I suppose I should
be home tidying up.

Tom moves in tomorrow.

Oh, the point of no return.

Are you girls going to leave me

to drink the wine all by myself?

Oh, Bob will keep you company.

Does he know you're back?

Yeah, we're catching up later.

I hope he's got something
exciting planned.

Gee, how'd I miss that?

Attention to detail.

Anyway, I've always
wanted to go to Tibet.

I prefer Tuscany.

Really?

I was thinking
that next year maybe

the two of us

could go there for
a month or two.

Next year.

Why next year?

I like to plan ahead.

Oh, planning ahead for me

is like what time will I
wake up in the morning.

Christine.

I think it's about time that

you started thinking about us.

Bob, it's been two months.

Nine weeks.

And most of it's
been really great.

Long enough to know

that I love you.

And let's face it,

you're not getting any younger.

You missed a bit.

But, where.

[Christine] Dave.

Ah, the jungle trekker returns.

How's Africa?

Very wild.

Very African.

Loved it.

Just wish there was more of it.

Back to the drudgery
of the portrait studio

shooting wild children.

Oh, you know how
much I love children.

Oh, I know.

You've got the maternal
instincts of a stick.

Thanks.

You're really just
working for the coffee.

Well you do have
the best coffee.

(phone rings)

Dave's studio.

Good, oh yeah, sure.

Okay, how many kids.

(clock ticking)

Crap.

(soft music)

(Bangle's Walk Like an Egyptian)

Blue stripe no,

pink stripe yes.

Blue stripe no,

pink stripe yes.

Blue stripe no,

pink stripe yes.

Blue stripe no,

pink stripe yes.

Blue stripe no.

Blue stripe no.

Phew.

(soft music)

That's great.

(knock on door)

Simon.

Hello mom.

Shelly locked me out.

Oh darling.

I'm sorry babe.

What do you need?

You don't mind if
I stay here tonight?

Here in the house?

Ah, yes.

Wait here.

What?

What is it?

Our son's just having a
bit of a domestic issue.

Go back to sleep.

Okay.

Sleep heaps better in a motel.

It's a bit messy here.

Just take the money Simon.

Shelly will take you
back in the morning.

Love you.

Bye bye now.

Bye.

Bye.

Tough love.

It's the latest
thing in parenting.

What are you thinking?

I don't know.

All I know is that

I just can't think
of anything else.

Kids are great.

There are days where you
want to run over them

with a truck,

but you know,

you love them always.

Really?

That why you're so keen
to get them moved out?

Shush.

So no regrets, huh?

No.

No, well they're expensive,

time consuming,

and the source of my
sagging boobs, but,

no, no regrets.

A light period could just
mean the start of menopause.

I am not menopausing.

No.

Bad time in the Bob breakup.

Look, actually forget Bob.

It's not about a relationship.

Just because I
want to have a baby

doesn't mean I want to
have the father around.

I don't want happy families.

I just want a baby.

What about Italy and Russia

and Tibet and all those
amazing jobs you get?

Take the kid with me.

Yeah, right.

Camera in one hand,
brat in the other.

Well think of all the amazing
places it will get to see.

Think of all the amazing
diseases it will get to catch.

Hey Karen.

How's it going?

Well apart from
the varicose veins,

swollen ankles,

collapsed arches,

aching breasts,

piles, irrational mood swings,

a craving for tinned apricots

with tomato sauce,

the asthma from the lamaze class

and the fact that I haven't
had sex in three months,

everything's just peachy.

Water?

Ah, have to pee.

(laughter)

So that's what you want?

I want a baby.

Right.

And with no Bob.

And you don't want
a relationship.

What are you hoping for?

Divine intervention?

Look, I know there
are a hundred reasons

why this is never
going to work but,

it's weird.

It's like nothing else matters.

Maybe it'll blow over.

I hope Christine doesn't think

I'm going to babysit for her.

You really don't
do kids, do you?

Neither do you.

Let's get a cat.

Come on.

We've already doubled
the population in here.

Yeah, pretty much.

Of course I had to throw
out half your clothes

to fit mine in.

Well if you were a girl,

you could have just
shared them with me.

If I was a girl,

you might have told me that
you're not actually 37,

but were in fact,

42.

Curious why you lied?

I hate it.

You hate the number 42?

My age.

I hate my age.

Doesn't change anything
as far as I'm concerned.

Honey, this isn't about you.

Okay.

What is it about?

I don't know.

It's, I mean look at her.

Well that's you except
shorter and wearing colors.

That's not me anymore.

Now I'm just

invisible.

I saw you.

You ran me over with
a shopping trolley.

I had to swerve
three times to hit you.

I must have seen you.

You don't understand.

People look straight through me,

like I'm not there,

like I don't exist,

like I'm too old to count.

Okay, sure, you grew up.

Old.

Up.

You're a success Mikki.

You're senior
researcher at the...

Senior.

Senior citizen.

Suddenly I got old and it,

it just terrifies me.

But.

I'm old and I'm saggy.

(soft music)

And I'm disappearing.

Mikki.

Don't.

Just don't.

(soft music)

I really am very sorry.

I know dear.

And it wasn't your fault.

Brutus was such a naughty fellow

when it came to cars.

Did he chase cars often?

Oh yes, especially white ones.

I have a red car.

Where is he now?

Oh, he's in the boot.

I wrapped him in a blanket.

Oh no dear.

Not his poor mangled,
twisted little body.

His beautiful free spirit,

probably bounding across
the fields of heaven.

Chasing white cars.

There are no cars
in heaven silly girl.

No, there's no cars in heaven.

Do you have a dog?

No.

Do your children have a dog?

No.

I actually don't

have any children.

Oh dear.

Neither do I.

But I have dogs.

Lots of dogs.

Dog after dog after dog.

I'm sorry to have
to ask this but,

would you like me to
help you bury Brutus?

That would be very kind.

After a cup of tea.

Sure.

(sobbing)

Is there somebody I can call?

Oh.

Who?

(somber piano music)

(upbeat Latin music)

(clock ticking)

(doorbell)

Thanks for the flowers Bob.

They're lovely.

So, I was thinking,

summer in Tuscany is really hot.

So if we go in September,

Bob.

We'll still get the
warmth of the sun,

- [Christine] Bob.
- But it'll be a bit...

I'm sorry Bob.

Winter.

Summer?

I see.

Why?

I see.

Keith, do you want some pizza?

Sweetie pops?

Just a little light
afternoon rescue mission.

Shelly kicked me out.

Oh, she dumped you.

Well apparently
we're taking a break.

Simon.

I'll just go and get
the rest of the stuff.

You can have a beer out of
the fridge if you want some.

Thanks dad.

Hey.

His stuff?

You know, books, clothes, stuff.

She didn't make
me take everything,

so I guess there's some hope.

Yep, there's always hope.

That she would go
out with a Capricorn.

Yeah, you said that mom.

I have a plan though.

Good for you.

Yeah, you see she thinks
that I'm too unstable,

too unsettled...

Well you do have
your moments Simon.

So, I figured I'd
invite her over for dinner

with you and dad.

Over for dinner with
your father and I?

Yeah, that way she can see

what stability I
really have in my life.

I might get Karla to
come back for it too.

Her and Shelly seem
to get along okay.

But I think I have to let
it cool down for a week,

or two.

It's only temporary, I'm sure.

[Simon] Hey, what's with
all this art shit in my room?

Art shit?

Since when did you
take up painting mom?

Your mother's quite the artist.

Before I had you and Karla.

Why don't you just
take Karla's room?

Yeah, okay.

Oh, and if you guys aren't
watching anything on TV

there's this really
great anime series on.

It's gross, but it's awesome.

(playful music)

Well, I've got to say,

it's not quite how the
conversation started

when I was rehearsing it.

How did it go?

Pretty standard.

Give me a second chance.

Some if we communicate,

we can work it out,

that sort of thing.

What did I say?

Well in version one,

you melted into my arms

and begged me to take you back.

In version two, you said
you'd think about it.

Version three?

You didn't turn up
for version three.

You see how cruel I can be.

So what do we call this one?

Version four.

The princess and
the sperm donor.

If you like.

No.

Version four,

Bob says no.

Bob says no to being used.

Bob wants a relationship.

Hell Bob even though about
marrying the princess,

but the princess
didn't want that.

She just wanted Bob to be

half a production team,

and then just fade
off into the distance.

Sorry.

I shouldn't have come.

No I'm glad you did,

because this is just
the sort of selfish,

bitch thing that
I needed to see.

I don't know why I've
wasted all this time

pining over you.

You can't do relationships.

There's not enough room in there

for anyone else but you.

You think you can
fit a baby in there?

(somber piano music)

(clock ticking)

Oh God.

God no.

No, your estrogen
levels are fine.

So it may not be related
to menopause at all.

Still, night sweats may be
a sign of excessive stress.

Are you stressed about anything
in your life at the moment?

Interest rates.

Global warming and night sweats.

Well, it may be a sign that
you're fitness levels are low.

Do you exercise regularly?

Do you see yourself
as being fit?

Um, how fit do you need to be

to have a baby?

You have to realize
that at your age

to conceive a baby would
be quite difficult.

Your eggs are old.

They're a bit smoked out, so,

your health actually
plays a really big part.

So you better get pretty fit

and give up smoking.

Okay.

So, that's,

lots of fitness.

And lots of giving up smoking.

And lots of sex.

I can do that.

So what do you think?

What is it?

Well I've got to get fit.

Baby fit.

You guys might want to go too.

I've had my kids.

I don't do sweat.

We can cheer you
on enthusiastically.

Go Chris.

Pass the cheese please Margo.

She's flagging.

How long has she been going for?

[Mikki] Four minutes.

Run Forrest, run.

No I don't know
about her technique.

She looks a little bit like

a cross between
a wounded gazelle

and three legged dog.

(laughter)

Do you think if we
put some music on it,

it's help?

I heard that's a good idea.

Hey Chris, do you have.

The Baby Elephant Walk?

You know it's strange,

but that's not really helping.

Do you want to borrow my legs?

Margo.

Ciggy?

Looser.

Do you think we'll
be the god parents?

Of who?

Christine when she has a baby.

(laughter)

If.

When.

Be positive.

I'll be positive if
you can be realistic.

She really wants one.

I know.

No, she really,
really, really wants one.

I really, really, really know.

But we've given her all
the moral support we can.

What else can we do?

Well there is
something you can do.

Yeah, what's that?

Be a sperm donor.

Excuse me?

She knows you.

She likes you.

She's seen how kids
of yours stood out.

She likes them.

I'm not gonna
sleep with Christine.

No, not just sleep
with Christine.

You just need to, you know,

produce the sperm.

(laughter)

I couldn't.

I can't.

Why not?

I can't.

Margo, I'm your husband.

It just wouldn't feel right.

Have you thought about this?

Have ya?

Could you handle the
fact that another child

being out there of mine

that isn't yours?

I'd feel pretty
weird about that.

It's just a thought.

You haven't spoken to
Christine about this?

No, I just thought
about it tonight.

Good.

Okay.

I wonder what it would be
like to sleep with Christine.

Beast.

Oh, Christine.

Oh yeah.

Baby.

Oh, I am going to kill you.

(laughter)

Anyway.

She doesn't appeal to me.

Oh.

She's not you is she?

That was almost soppy
enough for me to forgive you.

Almost?

Do the eyes.

Oh go on.

(babbles)

(laughter)

(knock on the wall)

[Simon] That's rancid.

I don't think the world's
ready for another child of mine.

Hey mate, I found
this at the back, right?

I think it might need a
little bit of tuning, or?

I don't know, you tell me.

It's beautiful.

I found it about a week ago.

A week ago?

Have a look at it.

I'll have a look at it.

I've gotta get this
coffee sorted out.

Hey.

Hey you.

How are ya?

Good.

Good.

Can I just grab a takeaway?

Yeah, definitely.

Oh.

Oh my God.

Do you think this
actually works?

Sure, doll, try it.

(violin playing)

Thanks Joe.

Just put it all on my tab.

(rhythmic music)

(clock ticking)

(rhythmic music)

(clock ticking)

(rhythmic music)

(clock ticking)

What?

(rhythmic music)

(wobbly music)

Hi.

I was just wondering

do I need to make
an appointment or

can I just come straight?

Oh I just come straight in.

Okay, great.

I will.

(rhythmic music)

(somber piano music)

She said yes.

She said yes.

Dinner is a happening thing.

When?

Friday night.

Good, I'll be on my best,

most stable behavior.

Yeah right.

Hello Christine.

I'm just gonna go for a walk.

(somber music)

I just couldn't do it.

Seem so impersonal.

Can't pillow talk
with a turkey baster.

I just,

I want to look the father
of my child in the eye.

Even if it's just once.

So find a father.

Right.

Now, shush,

because I'm trying
to capture that sexy,

come knock me up pout of yours.

Find a father, Margo says.

Oh, easy.

Okay, so how
about ex-boyfriends?

Surely there's someone from
your dark mysterious past

who wants a second
bite of the cherry.

I don't know where
any of them are.

What, none of them?

No.

Okay, I make an
excellent detective.

Give me a name.

Who was Mr. Magic in bed?

That would be Terry Cooper.

He was unbelievable.

Fantastic.

Where is he now?

I don't know.

Married, fat,

probably fat and married.

You give up way too easily girl.

What is it you have
against relationships?

Nothing.

They just don't work.

Tell that to Margo and Kieth.

Oh, well they just
don't work for me.

Anyway it's always some
stupid little thing.

You know, there was this one guy

and we were about to have sex.

And he had his socks on.

And I just thought

this is it.

This is what it's going to
be for the rest of my life.

Sock sex.

What?

You broke up with
a guy over socks?

Well symbolic socks.

A toast,

to sock free sex.

Sock free sex.

Unless it makes me pregnant.

Oh my God.

That is so cute.

You are so lucky.

Where's my Tom?

I want a Tom.

Ask and you shall receive.

I can go again.

No, no, no, you stay
right where you are.

It's okay sweet man.

Mikki's been looking after me.

Yes I have.

Cause Mikki loves me.

Yes I do.

Does Tom love me?

Yes he does.

Oh yeah, that's me.

Person of love.

Yay.

Mikki.

Can I have sex with Tom?

[Mikki] Shouldn't
you be asking him that?

Yeah but, I just want
to check with you first

because you know it
wouldn't mean anything.

It would just be for sperm,

and I wouldn't take
any pleasure in it.

Chris, a small problem there.

Oh, you don't find
me sexually arousing.

Oh, no, no.

I've had the snip.

What?

The snip.

A vasectomy.

Shut down the swim team.

Left lane closed to
outbound traffic.

Crap.

Did it hurt?

Well no.

There was anesthetic and all.

But I never knew how much
tubing they have in there.

They pull up a 20
yards of it out

and they cut it and
they tie off the ends

and they burn them.

And I thought...

Okay, thank you.

I'm sorry.

But anyway that's why I can't be

a sperm donor for you Chris.

Well that's okay.

I still love you.

Did you puke?

No, why?

Because I'm gonna puke.

(playful music)

Hello.

Hello.

Miss, hello.

I was actually
saying hello to a?

Christine.

Hello Christine.

Hello Christine.

Hello.

I'm not interrupting
anything am I?

- No.
- No, no, no.

Just making sure.

Sir?

(dramatic music)

Call triple O.

[Christine] I got it.

Yeah.

[Man] Sir, can you hear me?

Sir?

Ambulance please.

[Man] Sir?

[Woman] Just everybody
move back, alright.

Can you just step back.

I think he's having
a heart attack.

We're at the Jade gardens.

Yeah, the botanical gardens.

Yeah, someone's giving
him CPR right now, yes.

Okay, yeah.

Come on girls, let's go.

Goodbye.

Bye.

[Dave] Bye bye.

[Woman] Thank you.

Bye bye.

I love you.

Must be my fatherly smile.

Or the endless
supply of lollies.

Do you want a lolly?

Pass.

Hey, how long have
we known each other?

Long enough for me to know

you're about to
ask for something,

which is okay because I'm
about to ask you for something.

Mine's pretty personal.

Mine too.

Should we get all
serious and sit?

Okay, you first.

I went to the
doctor's the other day

and I found out I have
developed diabetes.

I guess I shouldn't
be surprised,

it runs in the family.

Diabetes.

Yep.

So I have a life of
sticking needles into myself

to look forward to.

Sorry.

It's not a big deal really.

Anyways, so the favor is this,

I need a friend or a workmate

to carry around a couple
of spare insulin doses

for emergencies.

So you want me to
carry a couple of needles

and put them in my bag?

Basically yeah, and a vile.

Hey what happens
if I'm in Tibet?

Is that likely?

Maybe,

if they like my African photos.

Well if you're in Tibet,

I shall just cling
tenaciously to life

until you get back.

But enough about me.

What's this favor
I can do for you?

You know what, it
doesn't really matter.

You sure.

I think I just worked it out.

Okay.

Let's do it.

(playful music)

You are so funny.

[Man] And you smell so...

[Christine] Oh my God.

[Man] I'm actually
not that hungry.

[Christine] Nor am I,
I just think we should go

straight to your place.

(playful music)

Your name's not Bob is it?

No, it's Roger.

But if you want,

I could be Bob.

Call me Bob.

No, no, no.

Roger's good.

It's a good name.

It's a good strong, fertile,

virile name.

Three, you are in luck.

(knock on the door)

Holy crap.

Wait here.

(purposeful music)

Sandra, wait.

(soft music)

Auntie Christine?

Ah, hi Karla.

Wow, you look amazing.

And this is?

Tony.

Hi Tony.

I don't suppose I could
grab a lift off you?

Yeah, sure I'm not
doing anything else.

You want a ride too Tony?

You were going to cab
it, weren't you Tony?

Well a lift would be great.

Well my car's this way.

Thanks again Auntie Christine.

You're welcome.

[Tony] Bye.

Get in the front Tony.

I'm not a chauffer.

Where do you live?

With my parents?

Oh, very modern.

But I need an address.

Riverside.

Riverside.

I'm not Karla's boyfriend.

Yep.

I can see that.

We just met tonight at a party.

It's pretty dull, so,

I suggested we go clubbing.

You do look amazing.

Thanks.

But Karla's not my type.

What is your type Tony?

I like my women more,

mature.

Really?

Mature enough for you Tony?

So, you're not diabetic are you?

No.

Good, what about a
history of heart disease?

Nice puppy.

Or dyslexia, you know.

Anorexia?

Good.

I'm a virgin.

By choice.

By what?

Choice.

You know, saving
myself for marriage.

You mean your gonna give up

the best sex you've never had?

Are you sure now?

Really?

Yes.

[Christine] Positive?

Can we still kiss?

I'm saving myself.

Riverside.

Riverside.

Saving himself for
marriage, really?

What's wrong with
kids these days?

I mean you wait
til you're drowning

to have swimming lessons?

(doorbell rings)

I think it's sweet,

in a totally misguided
pointless kind of way.

Why is it so hard

to find a genetically
suitable male

who wants to have
unprotected sex

and a get out of jail free card?

Do you want to have sex with me?

That will be 23.50, thanks.

Thank you.

See.

Is it me?

Am I hideous?

Am I too old?

Do I smell?

Am I too tall, too short?

Is it me?

Or is it just Mother
Nature being a total bitch?

I'm going to make you
want something so bad,

and then I'm going to make sure

that you don't get it.

I wanted to be the Pope once.

I was 11 though.

It'll happen Chris.

When?

Time is not on my side.

Let's face it, it's
batting for the other team.

How old's this
Tony guy meant to be?

23 or 24.

Oh, I'm nearly 23.

Yeah, I'm pretty small actually.

My ass is big though.

I think it's going to be a boy.

[Man On TV] Don't
be alone tonight.

There are hundreds of guys
and girls waiting for you

for a day or for a lifetime.

Am I really that desperate?

[Man On TV] Do you
want to know the secret

to a successful love life.

A baby?

Whoa, slow down there Chrystal.

Ah, it's Christine.

Christine.

I've been on way too
many of these dates

to rush into anything.

Kids?

You want a kid?

I'll give you one of mine.

I've got seven of them

and I'm sick of
the little buggers.

Yeah, well I've
misses pissed off.

I said to myself,

Henry, someone's got
to look after her.

You are paying, right?

Come on, he's full of semen.

They call me (mumbles), come on.

(man sneezing)

I've prepared a questionnaire

that I'd like you to fill
out before our next date.

You're a bit of
a screamer are ya?

I love the screamers.

Come on.

(sneezing)

Ah.

Christine.

The questions with
the stars next to them

are compulsory.

(sneezing)

Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?

(laughs maniacally)

Come on.

Come on.

That was great mom.

Thank you Simon.

Now us oldies get
the joy of washing up.

Oh no, I'll help.

As if.

Can I have your plate, darling?

No, no, it's alright.

I've got it.

I'll get some coffee.

Thanks mom.

Thank you.

Dinner was lovely.

Yeah, mom went all out.

Hey, I know what
Simon's trying to do.

And?

It's not gonna work between us.

And why are you
telling me first?

I came here tonight
for another reason.

What?

No.

I just thought that...

No.

Dad.

Can you call a cab?

Shelly has to go.

Shelly?

Right now.

What's going on?

I'm gonna wait outside.

Shelly?

Shelly.

Shelly.

No wonder she kept asking
if you'd be at dinner.

I should send her
the grocery bill.

(laughter)

I'm sorry mom.

I guess you're stuck
with me a bit longer.

Oh Simon.

You can stay as
long as you like.

I'll just move my art
shit into Karla's room.

Why don't we move in together?

We can find somewhere
small and cheap.

I've heard of worse ideas.

And your father and I'd be
happy to help out with the rent,

wouldn't we.

Happily.

And I already
know you're a slob,

so I won't kick you out.

Do you promise not to turn
my girlfriends into lesbians?

(laughter)

What do you think Margo?

Well, I'd be very
sad to see you both go.

Can you move out tonight?

(laughter)

Gee, thanks mom.

Smile for the camera.

Oh no, Tom, don't.

Come on, just one.

I don't have any makeup on.

You don't need
makeup, come on just...

Don't.

Come on.

Cheese.

(camera smashes)

(soft music)

You're not on today are ya?

Dave?

I need some extra work.

Nothing full time, but,

if you can throw any of
your overflow my way,

that'd be great.

I'm going to have a baby.

Okay.

Sure.

Well that was easy.

Well babies are expensive.

Exactly.

Well the wedding
market pays well.

Nightmare work, but good
money without too much time.

And you've worked
with wild animals,

so wedding parties
won't be a stretch.

What happened to Tibet?

Oh no, that's
still on the cards,

but I just need to seriously
start saving right now.

Very responsible of you.

Thank you

in advance,

for the bucket loads of work.

Gotta dash.

I'm going to have a baby.

Oh, hello Christine.

Hi.

I actually don't know your name.

Oh, Paolo.

Sorry.

Paolo.

Yes.

It's official now.

We're not stalking
each other anymore.

Yes.

We have

seen each other
around quite a bit.

Yes, yes we have.

How's that old man by the way?

Oh George.

George is fine.

A minor heart attack,

and a bitterly disappointed

about having to
quit smoking, but,

he's fine.

Well I hope he thanked you.

He did.

So now we meet at the reception

of a sperm bank.

Yes.

Revealing, don't you think.

Uh huh.

Were you uh,

donating?

Yes.

Yes, I do it every
six months or so.

Ah.

You don't have someone
that you specifically

donate to?

No, no, no, no.

I'm not in a relationship, no.

I'm just going to
say this straight out.

Would you donate to me?

Here on the steps?

No, I'm serious.

You want a baby Christine?

Yes.

From me specifically?

I mean you don't
know much about me.

No, I,

well apart from the fact
that you save people.

And you play the violin.

And you're, you're
kind of gorgeous in a

buff, healthy,

kind of way.

Okay, well should
we make arrangements?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Or,

Or?

Or,

you could donate
to me privately.

Yes.

Yes, I could.

Although that may
complicate things a bit.

Ah.

I mean if we really
like each other

then we may want to start
hanging out together,

and I'm quite happy the
way I am at the moment.

You don't want

a relationship?

No.

Neither do I.

Yes.

Thank you.

Coffee?

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hi Mr. Hodges.

Yes.

Yes, I would love
to go to Tibet.

Oh no, look I understand.

But it can't be any worse
than the mud huts in Papua.

Yeah, no, no, my
shots will be fine.

My doctor love
giving me needles.

Yeah, oh, okay.

Okay.

I'm so excited.

Thank you, thank you Mr. Hodges.

Okay, bye.

Oh my God.

(soft piano music)

Mr. Hodges hi, it's
Christine again.

Sorry, listen, I'm gonna
have to say no to Tibet.

It's a family situation.

But listen, thank you so much.

I am, I'm sorry.

Bye.

(soft piano music)

Your wine madam

what's this?

An option.

A serious one?

Maybe.

Eventually.

I see.

Well I can't live on sticky
notes and complements forever.

Not even the ones I do believe.

(soft piano music)

Should I get the lights?

No.

It's okay.

You sure?

Yeah.

Madam.

So you can cook too?

Now is that genetic?

No idea.

Is there anything you can't do?

Cryptic crosswords,

and I can't draw
to save my life.

Anything beyond stick figures

and I'm hopeless.

Oh well, it's no
wonder you're single.

Yep.

What's your story?

Well I can't help but

tear the label off
any bottle I see.

Oh, that would doom
any relationship.

Stay out of my cellar.

Okay.

Okay.

So,

So.

We finished dinner.

Yes we have.

So.

So.

So you and I are going upstairs

to attempt to conceive.

Uh huh.

And...

And what happens then?

Well.

Nothing has to happen.

But unless nothing happens.

Oh.

Then it might have to
happen again in about

28 days.

Is there anything
we need to talk about?

You know, like naming rights or?

Ah yes, my family.

I'm being serious.

It's going to be
your baby Christine.

I know you say that now but,

what happens when you,

you see it in the flesh?

Honestly,

I don't know.

But that's a good nine
months down the track.

Who knows, I may have
moved to Venezuela by then.

Or I might just get
hit by a bus tomorrow.

Great way to kill the mood.

Oh.

Is there a mood here?

I don't know, is there?

I don't know, is there?

I don't know, is there?

I don't know, is there?

I don't know, is there?

I don't know, is there?

Oh shit.

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

This is for me now.

And you can have some after.

Oh.

Incentive.

So, I'm going into the bathroom,

and when I come out,

I expect to see you

on that bed,

naked.

Yes ma'am, naked.

And no socks.

Especially no socks.

Naked,

no socks.

Got it.

Shoes off.

Pants are coming off.

Now the shirt comes off.

And socks are coming off.

Oh, very funny sock man.

Paolo?

Oh.

(Contemplative music)

Ah.

Shit.

You sure it was an aneurism?

Yeah.

The universe is not this cruel.

My baby's in there.

Do you think it's too late for?

Mikki.

He's dead.

Mind you, if we get
a vacuum cleaner,

big enough.

There is another possibility,

Dave's syringes.

Will it work?

Hair grows.

Nails grow.

Sperm lives.

(sirens)

Go.

Are you gonna?

[Christine] Yes.

You can't.

[Christine] Yeah,
well just watch me.

We don't have time for
a moral debate about it.

The ambulance is here.

Lock the door.

We should check
for a diners card.

Okay, they're out
of the ambulance.

Walking down the path.

Coming in the house.

If there was was ever a name
for premature ejaculation.

Oh shh.

What do you think?

[Margot] Higher.

Lower, closer to the...

Penis.

Damn.

A little help please.

Is there a patron saint

for post mortem
sperm extraction?

Sounds more like
a Roman god thing.

Oh, who's that one

that would turn into a
bull and seduce queens?

Everyone just pick someone

and start to pray.

Okay.

Got it.

Whoa, that's a lot.

What now?

Orgasm.

(determined music)

Oh, they're coming
up the stairs.

Who did you pray to?

Hurry up.

Skip the foreplay and
don't use it all at once.

[Christine] What?

Not all at one time.

[Christine] What do you suggest?

Wait.

[EMT] Ma'am, is the door locked?

Ma'am?

It's stuck.

Humidity, you know what
the weather's been like.

Oh, lie down, gravity bad.

[EMT] Ma'am?

(banging on door)

She fainted.

Shock.

She's a Gemini.

And he's dead.

Do you want to come
to the hospital with us?

In the same ambulance, no.

We'll just look after her here.

She just needs to
rest on her back.

Don't want the

blood to go rushing out of

your head,

for example.

Margo, could I see
you for a minute please?

[EMT] Are you alright?

Me?

Oh, fine.

Margo?

Yes, no, I'm good too.

Oh, are you single?

(determined music)

We should freeze these.

We can't walk out
past the ambulance

carrying two sperm
filled condoms.

What is that for?

Oh, you are kidding.

The best chance
for sperm to survive

is at body temperature.

Body temperature.

She'd do the same for us.

You know, in 24
years of marriage

I have told Keith
absolutely everything.

I don't think I'll
tell him about this.

We can't stay
horizontal forever.

Keith.

Bring the station wagon.

Do you need anything?

No, I'm fine.

Chris, you're in shock.

Can't imagine why.

You can come and stay
with me if you'd like.

No, no.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

We're just a phone
call away if you need us.

Thanks.

Well it can't hurt.

(soft music)

Hey you.

Just wanted to say
thank you really.

I don't know if I'm
pregnant yet but,

I've got two more chances.

I hope you're okay
with all of that.

I'll let you know either way.

(soft music)

Forget this one.

We pride ourselves on
our sporting excellence,

which means they don't
care whether they can

read or write or not,

it's whether they
can kick a football.

Go to the Stiles School,

learn how to be the football.

You should put yourself
on as many waiting lists

as you can.

Yeah, well I've worked
out the sort of timeline.

A what?

A timeline.

You mean like planning ahead?

Awe, our little
girl is grown up.

You know, tonight

you can sit at the big
table with the adults.

Oh, ha ha ha.

Very funny.

Hang on, hang on.

Aren't we getting in front
of ourselves a bit here?

Unless there's something you're
not telling us Christine.

No, the verdict's still out.

Mikki, Chris, kitchen.

So, it's been long enough.

Have the test.

[Mikki] Yeah.

Okay.

So I'm scared.

Look, just find out.

And if not this time,

there's always Mr. Freezer.

Thanks to Mikki.

Oh, I can't take all the credit,

syringes and condoms
were in your bag.

My bag.

Yeah.

Those condoms
came out of my bag?

Yeah?

But they had.

(sighs and crashes)

Pregnancy test,

[All] Three,

Please.

(determined music)

Everything alright ladies.

[All] Piss off.

It's all good.

Ugh, I can't do this.

(screams)