Baby Done (2020) - full transcript

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Two hands!

You try and get that
any other way.

Come down if you're not gonna
use two hands.

Don't look!

Turn around.

Don't look!

Clear?

Yes!

Well, it's not clear, is it,
because you're in my drop zone!

Oh shit.

She's a mean climber, eh?



Yeah. She's been invited to
national tree-climbing comps

- this weekend.
- Whoo!

Hey, I'm gonna take Bear home
before I start the chipper up.

Is that all right?

Clean that up.

Bear, come on. Last rounds.

Oh my God! Oh my God. Whoo.

Whoa.

- Come here.
- I'm so sorry.

Oh, you gave the poor woman
a fright, eh?

- Come sit down.
- Yeah.

What were you doing over there?

OK.

Oh. What are you?



- I'm an arborist.
- Ah!

- Cut trees down?
- No, more like prune trees.

Well, you must cut some down.

We try not to,
cos that's not... the job.

Sorry, don't look at that.
It's not ready yet.

We will be waiting
the full minute.

- Are you looking at it?
- I-I can't see... any... Yeah.

Well. Sorry.

- OK.
- Yep.

- All righty.
- All right.

OK.

Is that you?

- Yes.
- Yep.

- That you?
- Yup.

Yep.

Is that you?

I have to do this.
So is this you? Full name?

- Yeah.
- Great.

OK. Let's have a look at this.

Ah. OK.

That is a positive result.

You are pregnant.

Congratulations.

Tapeworm can cause
false-positive pregnancy tests.

All the time. All the time.
Happens...

heaps. You can google it.
It's quite a common thing.

It's not a thing.

Do I have tapeworm?
Am I pregnant? You know, it's...

- And it's usually tapeworm.
- It's not a tapeworm.

It's a baby.

I think it is-
I think it is tapeworm.

Hands up - who's the nurse here?

OK? So, no heavy lifting.

None of this, and none of this.

All right?
You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, thank you. Thank you.
- OK.

Bye. Thanks.

- You did really well.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, you're kidding.

You got blood on you.
You scratch yourself?

What?

Yeah, yeah.

It's fine. I'm fine.

You were supposed
to take Bear home.

What?

Didn't you go home
to drop Bear off?

Oh, yeah, he wanted to stay.

Huh.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Wild.

Everyone here has a baby...
or has a baby inside them

- or just is a baby.
- I know.

Hey, what's inside that?

- Oh, here you go.
- What?

Pink.

- Oh, thank God you're here.
- Molly, what's up?

The baby showers and hen nights
are blurring together.

Married, house, baby, done.

They're gone. They're parents.

- Yeah.
- It's just us now.

- Hey, how was Thailand?
- Yeah, it was good.

I stayed in a halfway house
for orphaned elephants.

What are you up to?

Uh, world tree climbing masters.

True?

What is that?

Uh, you just climb a tree
as fast as you can.

Wow.

- Hi!
- Hey!

- Hey!
- Thanks for coming.

- Yeah.
- Can't wait to meet her.

Or him. What's it gonna be?!

Ah, we really don't mind,

as long as our tiny human
is healthy.

Giant box says
you kinda do mind.

I'm kidding, kidding.

- Joking.
- Oh my God.

Did I tell you your dad
is delivering my baby?

No. That's...

Wow. That's so weird!

No, are you kidding me?
He's amazing.

So, uh, when are you two
having kids?

Cos, seriously, it is the
best thing I've ever done.

You haven't even
had the baby yet.

You should have a baby
at the same time as us.

- That would be so good!
- Yeah.

- Have a baby.
- Well, you know what?

I think we will now.
What do you reckon?

Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it.
Right now.

- Right now!
- Right... Right...

- Right now?
- No, no, right now.

- Right now.
- Right now.

Yeah. Really? Yeah?

- OK. Here.
- Here? Yeah. Yeah. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm!

- Will you marry me?
- Absolutely not.

In Tanzania,

one in 20 women
die in childbirth.

OK, everybody! Welcome, welcome.

We're gonna do games soon, but
first, the big gender reveal.

Come on, Mummy and Daddy!

Oh, I'm so nervous! I'm shaking.

OK.

It's a girl!
Oh my God! I'm so happy!

Oh, it's a girl!

I said I didn't care, but I'm
really happy! Oh my God!

How did you keep that a secret?

Oh! Oh my God!
It's a little girl.

I hate this shit.

I'm gonna win all the games.

Yeah!

Yes! Yes, I won again!

Tim!

Hello.

Hello.

Oh.

Whoo! I love presents.

Is this yours, Molly? Cool.

The wrapping is so funky.

Wow!

It's like a... blanket thing.

It's from the charity in
Calcutta where I volunteered.

Oh, thank you.
That's so beautiful.

It's not. The mums and daughters
are trying to

escape prostitution
by sewing for foreigners.

Ooh, Nature Baby!
Love it.

- Everything OK?
- Can we go?

I hate it here.

We just lost another two
of our friends.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Why are you fondling fruit and
touching your stomach like that?

I wasn't doing that.

Do you wish you were pregnant?

No. What?

Jesus. You can't just slip that
in at Fruit World. No, I...

I think I've got a parasite,
actually. Yeah.

What from?

I dunno. Molly's got a tapeworm
from South America once, so I...

probably got it from
the dog park. I dunno.

Really?

You're picking very racist
fruits, actually.

Ha ha

- It's not a lettuce!
- Whoa, whoa, OK! I'm sorry!

What...?

What's going on?

I'm really hungry,
and you're freaking me out!

Well, here. Hey!
Here, eat something.

Ugh.

Don't do that!
Don't give me that.

You always cry when I cry.
You always do that!

Hey, hey, hey. It's OK.
What's going on?

OK. I've got so much to do.
I'm an adventurous person,

and I've done nothing.
I've done nothing.

What are you talking about?

You've got a big tree-climbing
comp in Taupo.

I should've practised way more
for that.

That was just supposed to be,
like, a fun weekend away.

And it still will be
a fun weekend.

We can go to Rotorua while
we're there - do the luge,

the gondola, all the big ones,
cos-cos we're adventurous.

I do wanna do Worlds.

OK. Really?

Yeah, yeah, this year,
in Canada. I wanna go.

I wanna fly overseas,
and I wanna win something.

I just... I just feel like
I'm not...

living. You know, I'm a wild
person. We're wild people.

- Yes!
- We gotta... you know!

- We should do something wild!
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- OK.

Well, if you qualify.
Which you will! I...

- I'm in!
- Yeah?

- Whoo!
- Yes! OK.

Mud pools! That's another one.
Bungee jumping!

What are you standing there for?
Come on. Come on!

Yes! We're being reckless. Whoo!

No, don't, don't. Leave it,
leave it. Just leave it.

Come on!

Come on.

Welcome to the NZARB

National Tree Climbing
Championships.

Could all female climbers
attending the Work Climb

please make your way to
tree number three? Thank you.

Do you need anything?

- Have you warmed up your hands?
- Yes.

It's this tree over there.
Come on, come on. Let's go.

- I'm gonna win!
- Let's go. Come on.

Come on! You got this, Zo!

Zoe, Zoe, Zoe...

Competitor, when you're ready.

Phew.

Come on! Yes, Zo!

Come on! Nice!

You got this, Zo!

Clear.

Points for accuracy. Come on!

Clear.

Clear.

Come on!

Clear.

Come on! You're almost there!
You got it!

4.55. That's the fastest today.

Yes, Zoe! Yes!

Pretty good, I guess.

And now the winner of the
women's Work Climb -

long-time climber,
first-time competitor -

give it up for Zoe Manase!

Yay! Whoo!

- Qualified for Worlds.
- Yay!

There you go.
That's for you there.

- Oh, thank you.
- No worries.

Take a picture!

- I, um-I just wanna-
- Oh, we're not-

we're not doing speeches
this year.

But I could pass on
anything you have to say.

Yeah, well, just thanks for
everyone showing up.

Thanks to everyone
for showing up.

And also to
my fellow competitors.

And also to her fellow
competitors. That's it.

Yeah, whoo!

One more time for Zoe Manase!

Whoa.

All right. Now time for
some adventure sports!

You don't have to do this.
You can change your mind.

What's wrong with you?

Aren't you scared?

Just hold on to me. It'll be
fine. I'll do the jumping.

I thought you wouldn't
go through with it.

I thought that if
I brought you up here,

y-you would tell me
what was going on.

What?

- I'm not gonna let you do it.
- I'll do what I like, actually.

Yeah, no shit, Zoe.

- Let me feel your stomach.
- Wow! Wow. No, don't!

Stop it! Stop it! Don't!
It's nothing to touch yet!

What?

And what does that mean?

Why didn't you...?
How could you...?

What did you...?

What the fuck, Zoe?!

Why would you... bungee jump?!

I don't know, OK?

I thought there was, like,
a grace period or something!

I don't know!
You know how you can, like,

park for five extra minutes
in the city? I don't know!

- I don't know!
- I'm tellin' the man.

Do not tell the man.
Don't you dare tell the man.

Are you pregnant?

Wow.

That is so rude.

- This is my normal tummy.
- Yes.

You're lying to me
and the man now.

That's a lot.

No, no, no. Please don't.
Don't, don't! No, no, no! Stop!

OK.

Wow. Thanks

OK, let's do it.
All the way to the edge.

Are you sure it's OK not to do
a double tie-in? I-

Yeah, man. Here we go. Five,

four, three...

You OK, man?

Stop crying. He...

I'm sorry.
He cries when I cry.

Stop crying.
That's so embarrassing.

Just don't look at me.
Just don't look at me!

Just get back!
It's really dangerous!

J-Just sit down
and don't come any closer.

Just hurry up and jump!
Just do it!

OK, this time. Five, four,

three, two, one.

You have... ruined it for me!

Oh my God!

- What the fuck?!
- You're so stupid!

- It's not OK!
- I'm sorry.

You can't just push someone
off the edge!

Oh, you're banned for life!

Are you OK?

I'm gonna be a dad!

We don't even have backpacks.

Now, hurry up. Give me the test.

Fuck, I wish I had, like,
20 leather bracelets.

Tim.

I already know
what it's gonna say.

Well, I need to see it.

I want the experience.
You left me out.

Oh my God. Give it here.

We're probably gonna
have a baby.

I can't become one of those
pregnant women, Tim.

What if I'm not me any more?

Well, do you wanna
have a baby, then?

I wanna have a baby. I just
don't wanna turn into a mum.

I don't want us to become dicks,
you know?

We won't.
Me and you will stay the same.

H-How...

How do you know you want a baby?

I don't wanna not have a baby.

Huh.

Well, I don't...

not wanna have a baby...

either.

It's too weird. It's so...
Don't. Way too close.

I don't wanna miss it.

God.

You know being a dad
doesn't start with the peeing.

Just don't look.

Don't.

This is the weirdest thing
you've asked me to do, ever.

OK.

It's so happy for us.

Oh God.

Ohh!

Oh man!

I can imagine you pregnant.

It'll suit you.

Let's see.

Oh.

What are you-
Oh, what are you doing?

Can you at least do my face?

I just...

I peed on that. Don't...

- Go tell the receptionist.
- I'm gonna tell everyone.

- I love you.
- Love you.

Perv.

It says here at four weeks,

our baby's the size
of a poppy seed.

OK, no, concentrate.
Let's make a list of everything

we need to do before
the baby comes.

What is the wildest thing
you can think of?

- Wildest thing.
- Yip. Buy a boat.

Nice. OK, go bigger,
even bigger.

A house. Should we buy a house?

No, shush, shush, shush.
OK, I mean, like, adventurous,

like, crazy, like, you know...

Get a tattoo or... stay out
for two days straight. You know?

Go dancing, like we used to do.
Or, you know,

be a world champion of
competitive tree-climbing.

I just came up with that off the
top of my head. That's great.

Perfect.

- We didn't used to go dancing.
- Yes, we did.

- We... We never did that.
- Yes, we did. We did...

all the time.

OK. What is something you think
you're gonna regret not doing?

I regret not doing drugs.

I didn't mean to skip drugs.
Just no one ever offered.

Well, don't write that down!
I'm not gonna start now, am I?

Well...

Or maybe just
one pill of ecstasy,

in a-in a controlled
environment.

Yeah, it's fine. It's on the
list. Next. Go. Come on.

I'd like to stop doing dishes.
Just eat off disposable plates.

My God, boring! So boring! Tim!

I'm embarrassed for you right
now. Just anything. Anything.

First thing that pops into
your mind. Bah! Go.

A threesome with
your friend Molly.

- Now, you made me say that.
- Why would she, Tim?

Why would she?
That's...

'Threesome with... Molly.'

She's not even
my hottest friend.

Zoe! Are you awake?

I like these bracelets.

Tim.

Uh,... hi.

How come you're here without me?

I was going to the bathroom, and
then when I was on my way back,

I just heard this loud music,
and I couldn't sleep.

Me neither.

I also wanted to take my
trophy out to celebrate.

Can we go celebrate at a hotel?

Stop making me boring.

You're drinking for two now!

One more!
One more! One more! One more!

Whoo!

What? Are you too drunk?

No.

No, it's just... Sorry.

It's...

It's like the baby knows.
I can't stop thinking about it.

It's just a little speck.
It's not even a baby yet.

Yeah, I know. It's just...
It's right there, though.

I'm sorry.

You're gonna be such a good mum.

As soon as Speck divides
enough cells to grow ears,

I'm gonna tell it that.

Hey, Zo.

What?

Will you marry me?

Not in a million years.

You're so sweet.

But after that?

Yeah, after a million years.
Yeah, fine. Fuck you.

I can't wait to tell
your parents.

Why did you put a bun
in my mum's oven?

- What?
- You're not. Are you?

- That's what that is.
- That's not a bun. It's a bap!

- Oh my gosh!
- I told you they were baps.

Congratulations, guys.

Oh, thank you.

- Awesome.
- You're having a baby.

I know. Yep, I'm pregnant, and
apparently, Tim made you mugs.

Ta-da!

Wow.

Oh.

Cool.

- Yeah.
- Ooh.

Well, we really shuffled
along the line.

I don't think I want to
be called Nana.

I think I'd like my own
special name,

one that doesn't make me sound
so much like a grandma.

Yeah, same, same.
Uh, what's Samoan for coach?

- Uh, Faiaoga.
- Absolutely not.

- Faiaoga.
- No. That's not happening.

Wow.

Will you deliver the baby, Sefa?

Oh my God, Tim, no! What?

- Ew, Tim!
- No. You definitely cannot be

your own daughter's
obstetrician, Tim.

Gross!

Did they do a transvaginal
ultrasound?

Do not say 'vaginal' again,
ever again, please. It's gross.

- Ooh.
- No.

- Oh my God. Rude.
- You can't eat that. No.

No cured meats.

- So, how far along are you?
- Yeah, what's your LMP?

- I don't know what that means.
- Last menstrual period.

No. Don't say these words.

Hmm. Just can't really
imagine you pregnant.

You know? Sort of doesn't
suit you or something.

Why? Cos I drive a truck
and climb trees?

Kind of.

Was... Was it an accident?

You think all babies are
accidents because I was.

You were not
an accident, Zoe.

Mm

Oh, you look like
you're gonna be sick.

- Mm.
- No, you're not.

- Mm.
- Yes, you are.

Not on the good rug, darling.

Pretty good at denial.

That's why she's not
afraid of anything.

She's not feeling
the right feelings.

Well, she's not acting like
your regular pregnant woman.

Well, how should
a pregnant woman be?

I dunno. How should a dad be?

Well, how should a dad be?
I haven't got one of them,

so you just tell me what to do,
and I'll do it.

Look, you don't need a dad
to be a good dad, OK?

Your main job is just to cope
and not go travelling,

because that is ridiculous.

Listen, Tim,
I'm basically your dad.

I love you, and there's no need
to talk about it.

Oh, look.

Still works. It's cool.

I don't want this stuff.

I only want this.

Ow!

- Are you happy now?
- Yip.

Oh wow.

That's our baby.

That's Speck.

OK. All done.

Do you wanna know the sex?

- Yes.
- No.

Oh, uh, I don't wanna know
if you don't wanna know.

It's up to you.

I'll write it down for you.

Putting it in here.

So, you're in at 27 weeks,
so well over halfway now.

Uh, no, no, no, no.
That's a mistake,

cos, uh, well,
we only just got pregnant.

Oh.

Well, this is pretty full-on
for you guys, eh?

That's actually-
That's not possible.

Cos that would mean that we were
having a baby in-in-in...

- Really soon!
- Yep.

Oh... shit!

Can you check it again?
I think you might be wrong,

so could you do some...?
I don't know what you...

It's fine. It's actually fine,
because the tree-climbing Worlds

- are before the due date.
- We only have one bedroom!

We just have to find someone
to dog-sit Bear.

Then we can make half our room a
nursery. We'll put up a curtain.

And then-
And then that's two rooms.

We're not doing any of that.

Oh my God, blink. Please blink.

Take the day off.

What?

You can't do that tree
without me.

Well, Sonny's around.
Look, just-just go and nap.

Eat for two. It's my job
to take care of you now.

Ew. No, it isn't.

I don't wanna just hang at home
by myself.

You'll have a baby soon.
You'll never be alone again.

That's such a messed up thing
to say.

Come on, Bear.

Seriously.

Come on, Sonny.

Far, that's pretty high, eh.

We believe in you.

You said trees can kill you
if you're not concentrating.

Well, you better concentrate.

I can't let you climb.

OK. The rule is
if you were doing it

before you were pregnant,
you keep doing it.

Your harness isn't even fitting.

- OK, well, then give me yours.
- No. You could easily fall.

If you're grounding me,
you can go fu-

You're grounded.

I should never have told you
I was pregnant.

You didn't.

Hey! Get down, right now!

You are in a delicate condition!

Zoe, this is not OK!

If you go any higher,...
you're fired.

I don't care if you fire me.
I'm going away.

You can't go to Worlds pregnant!

I can do anything pregnant.

Come down now.

I do not wanna have to do
an aerial rescue today.

Ooh, you'd love that,
wouldn't you?

Even if I needed rescuing,
I wouldn't let you.

Whoo!

You can't get down, can ya?

Bro, can I get down?

Chur, my bro. Congratulations.

That's solid
you're having a baby.

Far. Wish youse were my parents.
My parents are arseholes.

- Yeah, my dad's an arsehole.
- How come?

Well, he didn't wanna be a dad.

Do you remember him?

I just remember him
not being there.

Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

my mum didn't even turn up to
the meeting with the principal.

Far.

She was supposed to fight for me
to not get kicked out of school.

Hey, um, I was wondering
maybe if you and Zoe

can go talk to the
principal with me.

I don't wanna go by myself.

I don't know if that's a good
idea. It should be your mum.

I'll take you, Sonny.
Tim's a fucking pussy!

Nah, nah, all good.

I don't even wanna go back
to school anyways.

Uh, Tim,...

what is that?

I told 'em you were stuck.

Can you just hurry up?
I need to go bathroom.

Zoe, don't climb trees
while you're pregnant.

Get in the bucket, eh? Come on.

Your bucket's cheating, mate.
Get some muscles and some rope.

Yeah, come on, tree rat.
Get out of there. Get in here.

Yep, OK. I just can't.
No, don't.

Don't. Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!

Oh my God! Oh my God,
you're weeing on me!

- Why are you weeing on me?
- I told you not to touch me!

God. Oh my God.
It's getting everywhere!

Jesus! I've got your pee on me.
Get in the bucket.

- Yep. I'm sorry.
- That is piss. This is piss.

Hey, mate, can you get something

to clean up your girlfriend's
piss, please?

Thanks, Steve.

Unbelievable.

Tim, do you copy?

Got my ears on.

Copy.

My location is...

tree.

Amazing signal.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Aren't you a bit tired of
just being so responsible

all the time? It's like you're
obsessed with being a dad.

Well,
when the leaves start falling

off that tree,
we're gonna have a baby.

And what's gonna happen?

Shall we get married?

No.

You nearly got me then.
That was good.

I have a very important question
for you.

Tim, would you do me the honour
of joining me this evening

for the craziest night
of your life? Over.

I'm OK, thanks.

Over and out.

It's on the list.

Shall we look at the
yellow piece of paper?

Why do you have that jacket on?
Aren't you hot?

What?

- Aren't you hot?
- No.

No. I'm gonna go
to the bathroom.

You're kidding.

Ohh, gotta piss.

Y-You OK?

Sorry.

What are you doing?

- Whoo!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop it!

Stop! Stop!

Stop.

Zoe! Come in!

Zoe!

Whoo!

Gotta tell you something.

What?

I'm pregnant.

Oh.

Whoa. I thought...

Really?

No.

I'm joking.

Oh!

Thank God.

Yeah.

I felt like I was gonna cry.

No, me and Tim are going away
is what I was gonna tell you.

I qualified for the World
Tree Climbing Comps, so...

going overseas.

Oh, that's so great.

You always wanted to go away,
and you never did.

Oh man. I really thought
you were pregnant.

No. God.

Imagine that.

Can I have your jacket?
It's pretty cold, eh.

No.

No. No, no, no, Molly.
No, no, no! Oh!

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Uh, uh, h-how was your night?

- Um...
- What are you watching?

Nothing.

Give it here!

Give me your computer.

I am a vessel
for life.

Oh my God.

- Are you getting off on this?
- I'm preparing.

Why can't you just watch porn
like a normal person?

I almost wish
you were wanking to this.

This is what
my body was designed for.

- Ugh.
- Do not look at my history!

- Hey!
- It's so weird. It's so weird!

One of us has to get ready.

When are you gonna stop taking
work so we can go away?

I'm not. Dads are meant to
provide for their families,

and we are having a baby,
in case you forgot.

I can't forget. I-
It's literally in me.

We are not going away, Zo.

Uh, yes, we are, Tim.
We're going away,

because we've got two months
to finish the list.

Well, there was six months
at the start

- that you didn't tell me about!
- That is not my fault!

Speck was hiding.

Did you clean the whole house?

Yeah.

Are you nesting?

No.

We're finishing that list, Tim.

I've got so much stuff to do
before the baby comes,

and you're really not helping.

Are you in?
Because you said you were in.

We can do yours first
if you want.

You look so tired.

I'm glowing.

I am fucking radiant.

ZOE, INSIDE: Just take half
if you want.

Hi, Tim. How are you?

Uh...

I'm good.

- Yeah?
- I'll get the watch.

Hang on. Yeah.

- Ow, ow.
- Sorry.

Yeah. Yeah.

OK.

- Kiss. Yeah.
- OK.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Me too.

Mmm.

Mm.

Yeah.

- Mm. Yep.
- Yep.

They're off.

- Oh. Ow.
- Sorry.

Yeah, let's go. Let's go.

Mm!

Oh my God.

Oh my God. You are pregnant.

I thought you were just
getting fat.

Why are you guys trying to have
a threesome when you're about

to be a mum and dad?
That is so twisted.

The baby won't know. We were
just trying to do everything

we wanted to before the baby
comes. It's not a big deal.

You lied to me!

- It's not her fault.
- OK, only because

you stop being friends with our
friends when they have babies.

- Now we can't be friends!
- That's because

parents only wanna be friends
with other parents.

I'm so sorry, Molly.

Best of luck for the future,
guys.

Why can't you just pretend
to be delighted for me?

- You don't seem delighted.
- I'm-I'm really delighted!

Were you just gonna
pop out a baby

and then keep it from me
forever?

You're a baby.

You're a baby having a baby.

- Don't you want kids one day?
- No!

Cos it is the worst thing that
you could do for the planet.

Yeah, well, what if your baby
solves climate change?

Shut up, Zoe.

You catch
so many planes.

Hey.

Mmm.

Thought you would've still been
interested in having sex

with just me.

You know, some guys have
pregnancy fetishes...

and actually like it.

Stop being so respectful.
It's...

I don't want you to look at me
like I'm the mother

- of your child.
- Why-Why can't I?

- You are.
- I'm trying to be myself still.

Is that why you just tried
to have a threesome

with your best friend
and you've got lipstick on?

You've gone mental, Zoe.

I only did that for you.
That's what you wanted.

Just-Just go away.
Leave me alone.

I have to wait
till this E wears off.

Nobody calls it E any more, Tim.

- Hi. Hi.
- Hey.

Oh, you're pregnant too.

- Congratulations.
- Yeah, thank you.

You're not special.
Everybody's pregnant.

So, I've got a neat little
checklist for you guys

to check off
before baby arrives.

The baby. And also,
we don't need that,

because all we need from you
today is just the plane note.

Uh, no, not in your
third trimester.

OK, you two, why don't we
have a look at a birth plan?

Already got one.

I was thinking, uh, chocolate
fountain, fairy lights,

you know, just, like,
fireworks... on standby outside.

A glitter bomb, so as soon as
the baby comes out...

Oh, Sonny has, like,
his hip-hop dance group

he's part of, so we could
get them involved,

get them to choreograph
something.

And I was also thinking
it would be nice

if you could dress up
a little bit,

make a little bit of an effort.

Zoe, there's, uh, something
called pregnancy negation.

A lot of women suffer from, sort
of, severe adjustment issues.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. She-She's
got that. She has that thing.

You cannot fly after 30 weeks
without a medical note.

Yeah, we're gonna need
that note today.

- Why don't I give you-
- My uncle is dying.

Is he?

- In Canada.
- In Canada, right.

I thought that plan was good.

Bear.

Aw. Wanna come too, Bear?

OK, everyone,
let's take a seat, please.

We're about to begin
a magical journey

into what is the rest of your
lives on what we call...

the train to parenthood.

Everyone at the station, please.

Take a seat. Sit in a chair.
We're on a tight schedule here.

It's nine months.

As I said, there are
no dumb questions, all right?

Chances are,

if you're thinking it,
soe else here is as well.

All right, birthing partners,

you're gonna wanna take
this ball and roll it

on their lower back.

- Are you just here by yourself?
- No, no, she's meeting me here.

She's, um... She's on her way.
Sorry.

All right. That ball there,
the counterpressure

will help alleviate your
birth partner's back pain

during the labour.

Do you have a support person?

Oh, he's not coming.

Right, OK. So there's
no one here with you.

- No.
- OK, cool. Lean forward.

I'll be your partner. Everyone
up, please. Bit of enthusiasm.

You're about to bring a miracle
into this world.

- So, sorry, you're all alone?
- Yeah, yeah.

Just in this whole process
by yourself?

- Yeah.
- Do you have some savings

- or something?
- A little bit.

Mm, K. That won't be enough.

Thanks for helping me out
today, Zoe,

especially since Mum
couldn't make it.

Of course. This is important.
I've got your back.

- What are you supposed to be?
- Your mum.

You look nothing like my mum...
or anyone's mum.

Shut up, dick.
These are my mum's clothes.

Just be you.

Just let me do
all the talking, OK?

Hello.

Hello.

I'm sorry it's taken us so long
to... speak to each other,

but as you can see,
I am... heavy with young.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Sonny,

when you shove Mr Bennett
down H Block stairs...

and give him a head injury,...

you're telling me that you
don't wanna be at school.

Nah, I do, Miss.

- He was giving me shit.
- Don't say shit.

Don't say shit.

My understanding of the
situation is that Mr Bennett

made fun of Sonny in class

for not being able
to read something.

And that could've been
an accident, yeah?

I mean, many questions I have -
why was Mr Bennett

standing at the top of
the stairs at lunchtime?

You know, what kind of shoes
was he wearing?

- I have an owl theory.
- You victim-blaming Mr Bennett?

No. No.

My point is that my son does not
deserve to be humiliated

in a classroom by a teacher
whose job it is to nurture him.

Well, he can come back.
We probably would've let him

if his mum had come
to the board meeting.

Me.

No, his real mum.
You're not his mother.

- Yes.
- No.

- Yes.
- No.

Sonny is my son,

and this will be his...

sibling, in here.

- Nah.
- How can you be sure?

Well, you see, you do a lot of
work experience for us,

and you are known as
the tree woman, so...

I am pregnant.
That-That is true.

I can see that.

Well, I'm glad
we cleared this up.

Me too.

Thank you.

- See ya, Sonny.
- See ya, Miss.

Here.

Colour this in for me.

- Can you pass the purple?
- Yeah.

Thanks.

Sorry, I'm Tim.

Oh, Beth.

- Nice to meet ya.
- You too.

I think it's really cool that
you came by yourself.

I just went through
a big break-up.

Gotta do what's best
for baby, eh?

The baby.

Yeah.

I needed you to be
at that antenatal class.

I had to be partners with
someone who was...

- What?
- ...not you.

Why couldn't you just come,
for me? Where were you?

What's this?

Tickets.

Why-? Why would you-?
Why do you always-?

We're not settling down, OK?
We're going travelling.

- I'm gonna go to Worlds!
- No, you're not!

Can you get a refund
on these tickets?

Well, I can get one
on your ticket.

You can't keep acting
like nothing's changed.

I'll do what I want, actually.

This has to stop!

Look, I get that you wish
you could still climb trees

and go to Worlds, but you're
risking our baby's life!

You have to stop.

We're supposed to be living
our dreams together.

- You said we would.
- No, my dream

is to have a family - with you!

And maybe just be a bit boring
and grown-up.

I know you hate being pregnant.
I wish I could do it for you,

because you are
fucking so bad at it.

You think you're gonna be
such a good dad, but you're not.

Dads turn into their dads.

What-What are you doing?!

Bear! No!

No!

Oh!

Bear! Bear!

Bear!

Bear!

Bear! Bear!

Boy, what a big jump!
What a big jump!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

- How-How is he OK?!
- I have no idea!

What is wrong with you?

Well, why did you have
to say that to me?!

Why didn't you just
catch the ball?!

Why didn't you just not
almost kill Bear?!

Come on, Bear. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on.

What is that?

I don't need your help.

I don't think you need me
at all.

I don't.

Well, you have our baby
by yourself, then!

I was so happy when you
talked us into getting a dog.

It meant that we were permanent.

You're supposed to love me
no matter what.

Yeah, well,
you're making it impossible.

You know, it's pretty hard
to love you sometimes, Tim,

but at least I force myself to.

So, is that it, then?

Yeah.

Me and you.

Look at me.

How are you not crying?

Um, do you wanna just take
a moment and come back later?

No, it's fine. Sorry.

Whoo. OK. OK.

Just one more.

Is that good?

No, it's not good.
It wasn't good.

Tim's the love
of your life.

Yeah, well, you can't know
who the love of your life is

till you're pretty close
to being dead, Mum.

Is the baby kicking lots?

Have you had your
whooping cough vaccinations?

I don't know. I had vaccinations
at the travel doctor.

Travel-?
Zoe, you cannot go overseas.

Dad, I am an internationally
competitive tree climber.

You can't be selfish any more
when you're a mum, Zoe.

When you have a baby, it's like
you forget about yourself

for a bit, because your heart's

running around
outside your body.

I don't wanna just hate my baby
and become just another mum.

You don't wanna be
like me is what you're saying.

No. Why? Did you hate your baby?

- You were not an accident, Zoe.
- You were not an accident.

You weren't.

Can you just stop being parents
for one second?

Jeez.

Think you might be expecting me.

Wow.
You didn't lie on your profile.

Mm. It's a little judgemental.

No, I just-I meant...

I thought your photo
was fake for sure.

Oh, just because I have a
fetish, doesn't mean I'm a liar.

I didn't mean that. I just...

No, I'm just glad
you're not, like, a...

like, a creep or anything.

And I'm really glad
we found each other.

It is very hard to find
a beautiful, single woman

with a bonus in her belly.

How pregnant are you?

A lot.

Why do you like pregnant women?

Some people think it's the glow.
No, no, it's...

it's just that it's really wrong
to think of a pregnant woman

in a sexual way,
you know? It's...

It's hot.

It's dirty.

Thank you.

Plus, you know, you can't
get pregnant again.

But, I mean,
we can take it slow.

You can touch it if you like.

OK.

Ohh. Wow.

You are so pregnant.

Oh my goodness.

- Oh, uh...
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- OK. Cool.

Wait. What's wrong?

You OK?

What's going on?

Uh...

I'm not allowed in there.

Can I get a flat white,
please?

Decaf for you, though, right?

- Excuse me?
- I don't-I don't know.

- Cos I'm pregnant?
- No.

- How dare you? OK? So...
- Sorry. I didn't-

Oh! My sugar.

She's actually allowed
up to two cups a day.

Sorry about that.

Have mine.

Thanks for
being nice to me, Brian.

Whoa!

- Yeah.
- Yip.

Thanks.

Hold my hand.

Have a seat.

- What are you doing?
- Getting my one-second video.

- Don't.
- Got it.

All right, so, we've got
a lot to get through today.

Can I have all the women up
lining across the room

in order of your
due dates, please?

That's right - up off your
seats. Yeah.

And we've got a new one -
Zoe, is it? When are you due?

I've forgotten.

19th of June.

- 19th of June.
- Oh, June 19th.

Jump over here with
all our other June babies.

You guys all know each other
from having sex in September.

Do you know what you're having?

No.

Not really a details person,
are you?

- Excuse me?
- Well, Mummy doesn't know much.

OK, you need to leave.

Thank you. Out of the classroom.
Yeah. Out the door.

I'm sorry.

Beth, you were
being a bitch, though.

What is the matter with you?!

Me? You just found someone else
to be a dad with.

Who the fuck is Brian?!

I'm a preggophile, Tim.

You know what? You're
banned from the labour. OK?

- I don't want you there.
- It's my baby as well.

Pretty sure it's mine.
It's mine, actually.

It's definitely more mine
than yours.

Not too uncomfortable?

No.

Wow. You look...

achingly beautiful.

Cheers.

Is that OK?
It doesn't feel too weird?

No, no, no, no.

Whoa.

- It's nice.
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Mmm.

Oh.

- OK.
- Shall we?

You're strong.

Wow. Ooh.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I can't. I know-You know-

- Yeah, no, I can't do it.
- What's wrong?

- It's just a bit too much.
- I'm sorry.

No. No, no, no, no. It's fine.

But I don't know
what I was actually thinking.

Zoe, wait, please.
Please don't go.

Zoe! I think I felt
your baby kick before.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Hi.

Um, I need you.
Can you please come get me?

I'm sorry, Mol.

I didn't want you to think of
me as, like, pregnant Zoe.

When I'm a mum, I'm just gonna
have, like, no mum friends.

I'm just gonna have
all the same friends.

I just really want
my old life back.

Everything's fucked.

I'm sorry about you and Tim.

Can I have that bracelet?

Can I have all of them?

Thanks.

Ugh.

You've got tiny wrists.

Enjoying work? Yeah?

Just watch out.

You happy there?
Ooh, here we go.

Oh, there's an ant on that.

Yeah. Sorry, darling.

My baby's gonna be...

brown!

Whoa.

- Thank you.
- Hm.

Hey, will you come overseas
with me tomorrow?

You can use Tim's ticket.

But you can't go overseas,
though.

Sorry, sweetie.

Cute.

Cute.

Cute, cute, cute.

The tunes sound like
post-natal depression,

but it's the only thing
that gets Frankie to sleep.

Thank you, Alice.

Lovely, isn't it?

I invited Tim to come today,
but... he didn't want to.

I didn't want him to come.
Can you stop talking to Tim?

You sure you wanna do this
by yourself, Zo?

I can do anything by myself.

Can you move your arms
by yourself?

No.

No, I can't.

You can stay here,

but I'm not gonna
look after your baby for you.

It's your baby.

I'm not gonna be here.
I'm leaving.

Aah! Ooh!

- Ooh!
- Zoe!

Dinner's ready!

- You all right?
- Yeah. Thank you.

Thanks so much. Won't be long.

Any day now.

- Congratulations.
- Oh, it's-it's not mine.

Oh. OK.

I- I'm actually having a baby,
though.

Like, you're having a baby
with someone else?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Sounds like you've got
quite a bit on.

Yeah, it's... it's not like
that. It's just a coincidence,

because I met her at our
antenatal class, and, uh...

No, it sounds bad.
It sounds really bad.

It-It is quite bad.

Dude.

You're running the wrong way.

Are you pregnant?

Sorry. I'm... so sorry.

Forget I said that.
Have a good flight.

You don't look it.

Zoe! Zoe!

Ooh.

Ohh.

Ma'am,...

are you in labour?

OK.

I'm calling an ambulance.

Zoe.

- Penny.
- Tim, the hospital called.

- Zoe's gone into labour.
- She's not supposed to be.

- It's too early.
- I know.

She doesn't want us there,
but I think you should go.

OK.

Ooh! Ooh.

Oh. Uh, Zoe? I'm gonna need you
to get back on the bed, please,

for the monitor.

Do you want me to
call someone yet, or...?

No! I'm fine. I'm actually fine,
cos I actually like being alone.

It's quite good for me.

- OK.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Catch ya later.

- I'm still here.
- Oh.

- Yeah. Do you have any Frujus?
- Nope!

- OK.
- No. None at all.

It's fine. Whoo.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Zoe?

You can't keep
sneaking off the bed.

How bad is the pain
from one to 10?

- One.
- One?

- Mm-hm.
- 10 is the most extreme,

the most extreme pain.
So from one to 10...?

Zero, then.

- Yeah, you're tellin' porkies.
- I'm not.

- Yep.
- Nah.

- It's not impressing me.
- Like, a negative-one.

Not impressing me.

You got this, bro.

Oi, dads wear seat belts too.

Yip.

Aah!

Ooh.

Get on the bed!

Aren't you glad
I wasn't on the bed?!

- Come on.
- Wait, I'm disgusting.

- Come on.
- Block your nose.

I don't care. There's nowhere
to hide when you're in labour.

Man.

If only there was someone
you knew, you know?

Maybe someone I could call?

Do you think pgnant women
just become mothers

- as soon as they give birth?
- Um,...

yes.

- Yep.
- What if I become a dick?

I think you're already a dick.

I know.

Quite a dick.

You decide if you're
comin' or goin', OK?

Hi.

Hi.

I'm probably gonna have
a baby today.

That's great, Zo.

That's so good.

Um, so, I'm at the hospital,

and I was just kind of hoping
you might be able to come,

cos I, um...

I'm really scared,

and, um,
I think I need you,...

cos I've kind of forgotten
how to be me, and, um,...

I think I need you to remind me.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.
I'm coming, OK?

I'm gonna be there
really, really soon.

Yeah. OK.

- Oh fuck, bro! The pigs!
- Oi!

Just don't be scared.

- Oh, you forgot your suit!
- It doesn't matter!

Stay on the phone, Zoe, OK?

- Bro, just go!
- Hey! Get back here!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Hey!

Where are you?
Are you running?

OK, I'm comin' in.

- Ohh!
- I'm here!

What?

How'd you get here so fast?

I was outside.

Oh God! Let me die!
Let me die, Tim.

Do you think you could die,
or are you just saying that?

You can get in if you want.

Oh my God! I shouldn't be alive!

Come here.
Can you please come here?

Well, I mean, that's blood.
That's... That is your blood.

Yeah. Come here.
Just come over here, please.

- Oh my God!
- Oh, here we go, here we go.

- Yeah. Come here!
- Wha... Wha...

- What should I do?
- Just touch me.

Just touch me somewhere.
Just touch me.

Ooh. Oh my God.

I thought I knew what motherhood
is, and I just don't.

I don't know, actually.
I just want Speck to be OK.

Speck will be.
He's a honeydew melon.

Hey, let's do the next
contraction together, OK?

OK. OK. I'm pretty sure
that's not how it works.

It's just a one-person thing,
but just... OK.

Let's do that.

- You ready?
- Yes!

You are not chilling out
in a spa pool!

What are you doing in there?

That's... blood. Oh my God.
Why didn't you tell me

there was blood?
Get out. Both of you, get out.

OK.

- OK. OK.
- I think I am in labour now.

Oh, OK. Terrific You're
gonna need a caesar as well.

That baby is coming out
right now.

Ohh.

OK. We're ready.

Almost there.

And here's your baby.

This is Zoe. She's your mum.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Whoa!

- What the hell are you doing?!
- What are you doing?!

You just got glitter in her
abdomen! You got glitter

- in the incision.
- Oh my God. Oh.

- Get outta here!
- I'm so sorry. I...

I really thought
that was gonna be magical.

Come on. Come with me. Get out.

I'm so sorry!
Please let me stay.

Oh, what do you think this is -
a bloody 21st or something?

Go with him.

All right, Dad. Come with us.

- Go.
- Unbelievable.

I'm so sorry, guys. He's been
a pain in the arse all day.

Look at him in his little warm
plastic house.

So beautiful.

I wonder when we can
take him home.

I'm so embarrassed.
I was gonna run away.

I didn't know it was you.
It was you all along.

I love you.

I would chainsaw my own arms off
if it meant you were OK.

I don't know how I'd do
the other arm, though.

Figure it out.

Hey.

That's your dad. Yeah.

- That's your mum.
- Hi.

Do you wanna stay the night?

Yeah.

You're not allowed.

I don't care.

I'm glad you're up, Speck.

I've made you something.

Oh gosh.

- In here? Yeah? OK.
- OK.

There we go.

Yay!

Uh, do you think we got one?

Hand down.

Can we just photoshop
the finger out?

No.

Look. Oh, look at them.
And one, two, three.

Look at Mummy!

Look, Speck. Way up there.

Whoo!

Hey!

Look at Mummy!

You're not even looking. Rude.

Hey!