Baby Bump(s) (2017) - full transcript

Hello, my love.

Where's the bowl for the...

There.

- You managing ok?
- No prob.

What are you doing, bunny?

Cleaning my mom's room.

BABY BUMPS

Where's Mom?
I'm worried, you think she forgot?

The butter's right there.

Hang on,
I'll grab this and some lemons.

Mom?



Where the heck were you?
It's almost 8 pm!

At dance class.

Liar. You reek of Bellini Martini.

Are you the police?

I had a weeny drink
with Charlotte and the boys.

- She's drunk.
- No way!

- Yes!
- No, Mom.

- I have a gift for you.
- Thank you, how sweet.

You don't like it?

- It's been used.
- Yeah, I stole it for you.

Great. Ok, go get changed.

Where are we going?

For the umpteenth time,
Louis' parents are coming.

You have to meet Dad downstairs
and come up like a real couple.



- We have to pretend.
- Oh yeah!

Why don't we tell them the truth?

It's just a divorce.
It's very common.

- She should've said it from day one.
- Yeah, Avril, why didn't you?

I was 20, I wanted us
to seem like a normal family.

Anyhow, not tonight.

Certainly not tonight, bunny.

Gimme five.

What's he all excited about?

You'll see!

Go get changed, hurry up!

Don't just stand there.

- Go on, Mom, hurry.
- Ok, Mommy's going.

Don't make a mess in your room.

Outta my seat, mutt.

Move over!

Hello, gorgeous.

Hi.

Why'd she invite the in-laws?
It's not X-mas yet.

No idea,
but we get to see each other.

- How are you doing?
- Good.

Ready to play couple?

No more than before.

Hello there... friends.

You brought Hairy?

Hairy Jack.

Don't worry, I told him
he cannot sit at the table.

Right, HJ?

- We'll go park.
- We can't find a spot.

I fully understand, we took
the train. It's un-parkable here!

- We'll go on up. You have the code?
- Yes.

- See you in a minute.
- Ok, see you.

See you, Irene.

- Ok, see you.
- You coming, bunny?

See you.

You nutcase!

She's totally got the hots for you.

- Jealous?
- Yeah, right.

Should I be?

She has this busty Mama Cass look
I kind of like.

Right, HJ?

Wifey is thirsty.

I'm so happy to spend some time
with my husband.

Sugar plum.

Tootsie pie.

My little muffin puff.

- Baby cakes.
- I really dig you.

Irene?

No, no, no.

Bunny, you can't drink
with your meds.

Be good.

Louis and I
have something to announce.

At last we'll find out
why they're here.

I mean,
why we're all here tonight.

Dummy!

Ok...

So uh...

You're leaving your awful
detergent job to create a start-up.

No, Dad, that's not it.

- Louis found a job!
- He's still on his thesis.

You're going to globetrot!

Dad, stop trying to guess.
It's annoying.

So...

This is Avril's seventh week
of amenorrhea.

Of what?

I'm pregnant!

It's been two months.

We'll be grandparents!

Wonderful, isn't it, hon?

Are you keeping it?

What a sense of humor!

No, I mean, it's great.

It's great.

Just great.

I'm so happy!

The due date
falls right after Louis' thesis.

So we'll have 2 jobs.

You're so well organized.
It's fabulous!

- See you soon.
- Drive safely!

They're gone, you can drop the act.

You ok?
You didn't say a word.

No, I'm not ok.

When I think of everything
I sacrificed for her.

What do you want to be called?
Grandma?

Nana? Grandmother?

Why not Granny?

It's crazy,
she didn't even consult me.

Having a kid at her age!

She's 30 years old.
You were barely 17 when she was born.

I didn't do it
under my parents' nose!

They kicked you out.

Look, they're living at my place.

No, it's their place.

They're kind enough to let you stay.

Are you kidding?
I gave them the best room.

Besides, Avril can't live without me.

Oh yeah?

Let's go for a drink. I need one.

Granny's wishes...

are my command.

- Your mom was happy.
- You bet.

You cooked a fabulous dinner!

I mean about the baby.

We couldn't have made her happier.

She was out-of-her-mind happy.

You think my mom took it well?

Are you kidding?
She was on cloud nine.

Shouldn't she be back by now?

They're probably all celebrating.

Trust her...

she'll come back.

She always comes back.

- I don't fucking believe it.
- What?

HJ has a hard-on!

- How cute.
- That mutt is a sex maniac!

Like his master?

You moron.

You do this often?

Have sex with my ex-husband?
Not really, no.

I have to go.
Avril's gonna strangle me!

I'm off.

Bye.

Well, ma'am?

Call me Avril.
We're practically the same age.

Here.

It's my new laundry detergent scent.

I love it.

It's so you.

I mean, in so far as
a laundry detergent can be.

Eude, something important is going
to affect our schedule.

I forgot to tell you
I'm expecting a baby.

When?
I have to tell reception!

No, you don't get it.

Eude...

I'm pregnant.

I wanted to share the news
with somebody normal.

But never mind.

Dinner's ready!

Mom, put your phone down
and come eat.

Honey, come on.

Mom, stop chatting.

- Aren't those Louis' boxer shorts?
- Yes.

A smile, at last.

I'm sure you'll be crazy
about the baby.

- What're you up to?
- Nothing.

- Avril made your favorite dish.
- Yeah!

Fish sticks!

- Show me.
- No.

We're dead.

- The battery is dead.
- Show me.

Come on.

Show me.

It's not entirely nothing.
It's a simulation to make believe.

That's your room split in half.

Not in half!

Of course, not equal halves.
Look...

The baby's side is tiny.

The rest is all for you.

Because considering your age...

and size.

Because you're older...

and bigger.

Forget it, Mom.
We're just trying to find a solution.

And baby gets the window?

Are you sure?

I'm tucked.

No, that's a mistake.

"Torqued," Mado.

Maybe she's having a midlife crisis.

Maybe even an upper midlife crisis.

Seriously, what will we do?
It's too small here.

What if...

we could help her pay rent?

Like if you got a raise.
Maybe she could move out?

We're not there yet.

Besides,
she's incapable of living alone.

She needs me.

I'm sure she'd be fine.

I hear you. I hear everything!

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

Ristretto or Espresso?

Don't care.

3 MONTHS

Cocoa Puffs?

Nah.

You have any Nutella left?

I dunno.

Would you stop sulking?
You've been a pain for a month.

Can't you just be happy for me?

I'm going to give life.

Your only daughter!
What could be more beautiful?

This, for example.

Come on.

It's only 8 euros.

You have thousands.
I'm on a budget now.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Cash or credit?

Thank you.

Mom, get down from there.
You're going to fall.

My mom has Alzheimer's too.

We end up parenting our parents.

No, no...

Sorry.

Apartment-share
for unemployed 50-year-old woman

Hey, detergent girl.

Hi, Cecile.
We're almost ready for Skip Men.

I don't care about that.

You wanted to move on to perfumes?

Yes. Why? Is there a...

Yes, there's a perfume.

Get this, for the water closet!

You mean...

I see.

An air freshener. For the toilets.

A scent for the loo. Happy?

- No?
- Sure.

Open your nostrils. Briefing in 10?

They tried to bribe me
with fish sticks!

Why me?
They can share their room.

They have no respect.

It's totally selfish to bring a child
into this crappy world.

Think of all the abandoned kids!

Pollution, global warming,
barely a whale left in the sea...

Don't forget
pathological narcissists.

You're the only one who understands.

You'll be the babysitter.
Your nightlife is over.

Oh yeah.

Marie-Dominique, that's awful.

My name is Mado.

You're too old for pet names.
Out of the question.

Putin!

You said it.

1, 2, 3...

Help!

Help.

"Quickair, the last word
in toilet fresheners."

The directives are simple.

We need to turn
this confined space into a journey.

Our clients sitting there,
bare-assed, I want them to travel.

Japanese cherry trees,
Brittany sea spray, I want exoticism.

We could even go one step further

and blend all those worlds.

Do something
that's never been done before.

Get off the beaten track.

Get away from the usual head notes.

That's what's used
for toilet fresheners.

And I want to add heart notes.

More masculine notes.

You said "voyage,"
but we want something even deeper.

I'd like it
to have the smell of danger.

Because it's never been done before.
You see?

Get out of your private little space!

So when you don't have the means,

or the time
to get a plane ticket and travel...

you have the toilets!

Yes, it's a confined space.

The fragrance is far more...

I want people
to want to stay there.

I want them to feel teleported.

I mean, you know.

I want the best. We can't
screw up, the stakes are high.

We're your team.

We can't screw up.

It doesn't show,
but she's a real "nose."

That's what we need.

It's vibrating.

Do something, it's annoying.

Yes.

I'm coming.

I'll be right there.

Hello.

I'm here for Marie-Dominique Peron.

Uh, hello?

Sorry. Hello.

- That's better.
- Marie-Dominique.

P-E-R-O-N.

- Nope.
- Did you find her?

Hello.

I'm Dr. Lacaigne.

I took care of the lovely Mado.
Come with me.

Is she alright?

- You're her sister?
- Daughter.

- Serious?
- Yes.

We ran some blood tests.
It seems your mother...

She has cancer, is that it?

Not at all. It's good news.

Your mother is pregnant.

- What?
- Yes, she's expecting.

That's impossible, I am!

Where is she? Mom!

Did you know?

Yes. No, I didn't know.

Who's the dad?

It's uh...

You don't know.

You disgust me, I don't want to know.

- Couldn't you use a condom?
- You mean like you?

I have a boyfriend,
an apartment and a job!

I wanted this child!
So why am I justifying myself?

Wait for me, will you?

You have to sign the release form!

Oh shit!

Slow down, it hurts.

Oh boy...

Let me...

Stop it!

You ok, Mado? Nothing serious?

How could you do this to me?

Don't scream,
it's bad for the embryo.

- A scooter accident...
- Shut up!

Mom's pregnant.

- What?
- Yes.

That's just great.

It's really...

I know, there are no words!

How can you be so immature?

You should be locked up!

Do you realize?

How can you be so boring?

I'm not keeping it.

I really needed
another problem to deal with.

I do everything!

Do you realize I almost died?

- My bandage itches.
- Shut her up.

- Mado...
- Tell her to chill.

- I'm gonna kill her.
- Let me out.

Stop the car.

That's it, get out!

Stop the car! I said stop!

- I was going to pull over.
- Go on.

Get out!
Where's the handle?

Get out!

I'm trying to.

Don't forget your scooter!

Don't wait up for me.

Yeah, that's right. Drop dead!

You think she could drop dead?

What a mess, swear to god.

They must've laid into you.
You're not keeping it?

- No way.
- Who's the dad, naughty girl?

Take the cookie.

Here. Put it in your mouth.

I feed her to shut her up.
She'll be obese, but who cares.

I don't know how you got hired
as a babysitter.

Why?

Marc's the father.

Marc?

- You're talking about "Baton Man"?
- Yep.

Who abandoned you two
while he "maestroed" around?

Who lived his life easy-peasy
while you were too sad to fuck?

You reproduced with him?

Jesus Christ. For once, you get laid.

It had to be with him!

Promise me one thing, ok?
It's very important.

Never tell him he's the father.

Are you crazy?
I have no desire to see him again.

You swear?

On my life.

Here you go!

What's wrong with you?

Isn't it what you wanted?

I don't know... Yes... No...

I'm sure it is!

I'm pregnant.

What?

Was it us... I mean, me?

You didn't tell me about Berlin.

Am I the dad?

No.

Hot damn, I'm the dad.

- What do I do?
- I don't know, answer.

Right.

Hello?

Dad, it's me.

- Shit, it's her!
- Shit!

Shit, what do I do?

Where do I go?

Hurry, in the bathroom!

Take your glass,
we have to hide everything.

You didn't forget anything?

I'm butt naked!

Dad, are you downstairs?

Where are you?

Hey, what's up?

Hi.

Mom is pregnant.

- What? No way!
- Yes.

- I thought she was way too old.
- It's not the Dark Ages!

We're still young.

I mean...

She's still young.

- Who's the dad?
- I prefer to think there isn't one.

I can guarantee you there is.

There has to be one.

It's the only way.

Necessarily.

- You know, for the sperm.
- Stop it, that's gross.

I can't picture her...

I'll have to deal with her abortion
and I'm snowed under!

- Abortion?
- You better believe it!

Can you imagine Mom as a mother?

I love her to pieces
but she lives in a fantasy world.

She has free room and board.
She's oblivious.

- I'm tired, Dad.
- I understand. She's tiring.

I sacrificed everything for her.
Isn't it my turn?

Of course it is, sweetheart.

Have you talked recently?

Dumb question,
you can't stand each other.

That's it.

You've got to admit, what a slut.

Yes, what a slut.

Bastard!

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I pee nonstop.

No... not in the bathroom.

Right, I'll just wet my pants.

Weirdo.

Isn't that Mom's perfume?

No, no.

We're dead meat, pal.

There's a glass of wine in there.
You drink while you piss?

Sometimes, yes.

And why are you dressed up
for Dances with Wolves?

Well, precisely because...

I dance with wolves!

Dance with wolves.

HJ and I dance with wolves.

To celebrate the little babies!

I mean, your little baby.

You two get worse every day.

You grasp the situation, Doctor?

It was sweet
to accompany your sister.

No, she's my mother.

You delivered me, remember?

Of course.

But pregnant at the same time,
it's not common.

Except I'm not keeping it.

You're right.

Pregnancy is disgusting.

I myself...

I couldn't take it.
It's really quite disgusting.

Excuse me.

Can we...

- When do you want to abort?
- Like I said,

my mother would like to...

ASAP.

Have you thought it over?

Because at your age

it's a real miracle.

Not me, Doctor, her!

Her!

It's a wise decision.

Sorry, I really have to get this.

Hi, Cecile, I'm here.

I've never been pregnant.

Yeah.

- I mean, no.
- How far along are you?

Something like 2 months.
I haven't kept track.

I suggest we call my secretary.

Ok.

I'll be right back.

Take your time.

She wrote the prescription.

You buy the pills...

Ok.

You take one today.

- One?
- And one tomorrow.

Or tonight. You can ask her.

- I see.
- In short,

in two days,
it's over and done with.

But...

You know me well.

What would you do?

Life always gives us the possibility

of perceiving things as an accident,

or an adventure.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

I'll be right there, Cecile.

I'm coming.

What did he say? It's all settled?

I mean, will it hurt?

If I understood correctly,
two pills and that's that.

Look, I really have to get going.

Now that she knows,
Cecile is out to sack me.

Will you be alright?

Sure, I'm not 12 years old.

Ok, hang in there.

I'll see you tonight. Love you.

- Good luck, ma'am.
- Thanks.

Ok.

Marc:
Please call me back

Silence, please.

Silence.

We'll start with Bar No. 277.

Nice and easy. Everyone ready...

If I keep it...

What's going on here?
Please focus.

Bar No. 277 again. Hurry up.

One, two...

Can we see each other...

Go on, send it!

I need to talk to you...

Send the damn message already!

Stay focused, please!

If you play like duds,
I can kiss Berlin goodbye.

I can't do it.

Ok, I'll keep you.

Bye-bye scooter.

Want some?

Ignore him.

Are you ok?

Are you in pain? How do you feel?

Amputated.

Bumping off a tiny human being
doesn't exactly feel good.

I'm going to bed.
Because between us this...

infanticide wiped me out.

Goodnight, Mado.

It moved!

I can't believe
there's all this life inside me.

5 MONTHS

I didn't realize,

it's a little person in there.

That's a kidney?

No, an arm.

It's so strange.

Because...

right now it's inside me.

It's not going to suffocate?

My goodness...

What a beauty!

It's a girl?

No, I mean its dick.

Then it's a boy!

Yes. Or a girl with a dick.

You're joking, right?

Everything's fine!
You read too many books.

What about endochondral ossification?

Here, we see his arm.

His hands...

and his two little nutties!

Isn't that sweet? Fabulous.

My guess is...

he'll be here on April 15th
at the very latest.

I wish Mom were here.

Tell me,

your sister... did it go well?

She doesn't want to talk about it.
At least not with me.

Don't worry,

they don't use
knitting needles anymore.

We know that.

I feel so bad.

I should've stayed with her
and held her hand.

We would've gone to the movies
or gone shopping.

I could've bought her a top.

Sorry, I have to pee.

3 MONTHS

Mongo, not mongo? Maybe a dwarf?

See you in a month
for the amniocentesis zults.

One month!

It's actually only 3 weeks,
but I have lots of people to call.

That's super long.

Don't stress me out.
I already had a burnout in July.

- A what?
- A burnout.

Oh right!

Professional exhaustion syndrome.
You can die from it.

A pity, not a pity?

That's a horrible thing to say!

Beta-pinene...

16/18.

And sabinene... 4!

It's perfection.

What's that stench?

We've been working day and night.
It's visionary.

- That's foul!
- No, visionary.

It's foul.

We're working with natural alkaloids
to neutralize fecal matter.

- It's scientific.
- Scientific!

Are you saying
you're playing with poop?

Call it what you like.

We have 3 weeks
before our presentation.

Either you stop fooling around

or I take this to the boss

and you, your uterus and
your fat-thighed assistant are gone!

You're the only one
who understands my work.

Pregnancy does give you
a bionic sense of smell.

She can't get it,
she's never been pregnant.

How do you know?

I know women.

I'm ready, bunny!

This is my favorite.

No. 9.

- No. 9?
- Right there.

Well?

It stinks
just like toilet air freshener.

Wrong answer?

My career depends on this
and you say "it stinks."

This is my first opportunity to work
on a spray fragrance!

Like a real perfume!

I've never been closer to my dream
and you say "it stinks"?

It's like if I said to you, "You
know, your thesis subject sucks!"

That's exactly what I said.

Who even remembers the subject
except you?

It's good.
It's the fragrance you need.

It's the right smell.

I'm not sure Cecile's poop spray is
getting you any closer to your dream.

I know,
your hormones are acting up.

You kidding?

On a more positive note,

my subject is: Insolvency Criterion
in Community Law in France...

I bet your skin
made the scent go off.

You have no taste.
Everyone at work loves it.

You sleep on my side?

6 MONTHS

4 MONTHS

You're so sluggish, it's awful.

Look at you.

Make an effort,
you look like Chewbacca.

I don't know what's wrong. I want
to sleep and cry 23 hours a day.

Everything itches,
I have hemorrhoids,

I can't eat salami
and I'm dying for some.

I can't eat cake,
goat's cheese, salad, sushi...

I can't even drink to forget.

I'm so afraid to damage my baby's
brain I don't dare go near the Wi-Fi.

I'll be the world's worst mother.

- That's impossible, I am.
- No.

You gave me everything
even though you were all alone.

And I can't even...

You spend your life feeling guilty.

And being afraid of everything!

Enjoy yourself a little.

There are good sides too.

- Like what?
- Like...

I don't know, for example...

you always want it.

- Want what?
- You know...

- Don't you want to...
- I hate talking about that with you.

I know you inside out and
I sense there's something wrong.

It's Louis.
He's afraid he'll touch the head.

What?

You know, touch the head.

Who does he think he is?

I'm sorry, I've seen him
a few times in the bathroom.

He's not Rocco Siffredi!

- This big.
- Don't be mean.

It's full of toxic crap.

To think I have all that
on my head.

You're not eating it.

You'll be gorgeous.

Louis' parents won't believe it.

He won't be afraid
to touch the head tonight.

Come on, I'm just kidding!

Fucking hell!

I don't believe it!

You'll look hideous
if you rinse it off too soon.

Like this!

Read it!
It's written in black and white.

Forbidden during pregnancy!

- You want to kill my baby?
- You're crazy.

It's your revenge.

I did it zillions of times
while expecting you.

Get out of my life!

Murderess!

Shit! Oh shit!

Move over, I have to rinse it off!

Move over!

Shit, shit, shit.

I don't believe it.

It can't be true!

It can't be true!

No, it can't be true!

It can't be true, shit!

- What's wrong now?
- She didn't do it!

Can you believe it?

That's right. It's my life!

I'm 47 years old, dammit.

The pill was huge
and I had no water to wash it down.

You see,
she can't do anything alone!

It's ok, she'll do it now.

No way, it's too late now.
It already has feet.

Even in Spain?

- Yes.
- Shit.

Call your mother and cancel.

Hello? It's out of the question.

Mom's been waiting for this day
for months now.

You'd have to pay me in gold!

Excuse me?
Don't we already give you enough?

Can't you understand
that Mom is mentally fragile?

I left one crazy hysterical woman,
I don't need two more.

Darn it!

I hate you.

Stand between us
or I'll rip her guts out.

She's the world's worst mother.

You're so selfish.

"Can't you just be happy for me?
I'm giving life.

What could be more beautiful?"

I'm gonna snuff her!

You disappoint me.
It's your sibling in there.

Half! And I don't want it.

Pull your stomach in!
I don't want to relive Festen.

I'm going to ring the bell.

That better?

- You kidding?
- It popped out after I told you.

Merry Christmas,
my favorite future parents.

- Where's your husband?
- He's parking.

Come, HJ!

Good evening.

Hairy has the same hat.

In we go! Turkey hates to wait.

How are you doing?

The child needs a classic name.

One that reflects our family culture.

How about Bernard,
my father's name?

- I was thinking of my side.
- I like Charles.

Darwin, Baudelaire...

De Gaulle too and Grandpa.

Some wine, Mado?
Unless you'd prefer whisky?

Nope!

Are you alright, Avril?
You don't seem yourself.

Morning sickness?

No, I'm fine.

But maybe
we should change topics?

Discussing names always ends badly.

Like one-night stands.

Did you know that in Albania,

to say "no" you nod?

Who cares.

Like this.

Are you ok, Mado? You're not hungry?

I stuffed my face with Cheetos
over drinks.

In any case, you're looking splendid.

Don't you agree,
a few extra pounds suit her well?

No, no, no.

I didn't mean that.

You're absolutely right.
Hormones work miracles.

You too?

I'm expecting.

Did everyone hear?
Mado is expecting a baby!

It's impossible.

I'm afraid so.

- No.
- Yes, it is.

- Is it true?
- Yes.

Well, that is...

It's very, very, very good news.

Very, very, very.

So, my grandson's mother

will also be your child's sister?

So they'll be auntie and uncle
when they're newborns.

Correct. It'll be the uncle
or aunt of Avril's child,

and the brother or sister of Avril.

Oh my.

Can we change topics?

That won't be easy.

Put that cigarette down.
Give it to me.

Back off.

I'll get the Christmas cake.

Merry Christmas!

He's eating my turkey.

I'm done playing couple.
HJ let's go.

Your cake is delicious.

Merry Christmas to all.
We're outta here.

I think I'll get going too.

Thanks for everything.

Come on.

Wait! Wait for me, Marc!

I didn't want it either.

And then...

I couldn't do it.

I don't understand.

You could've told me
before making a decision

that concerns me too.

- I didn't think.
- That's the whole problem!

Can't you think for once?

How old are you?

What were you thinking?

That you'd hide it from me
until you gave birth?

That you'd continue
sponging off everyone forever?

You have no right to say that.

And Avril?

Did you stop to think how she'd react
when she found out it's mine?

Don't tell her.

I'm not about to. That's up to you.

- What does it change?
- Everything!

Nothing. I don't know.

I don't know anymore. I'm lost.

I don't know what to say.

I don't want to talk to you. Bye.

HJ!

I'm so sorry.

Mom.

Mom.

- What's going on?
- Let me talk.

I can't take anymore.

Louis and I think we should separate.

You're getting separated?
But why?

No! You and me!

You and me, Mom.

But we've never been separated.

I know.
Maybe that's the problem.

Isn't it slightly unfair
that we're the ones moving out

when it's your... our apartment?

We can't throw her out.
She's 50, pregnant and penniless.

She won't change.
It's the only solution for now.

Hello, Irene.

Thank you.

It's only temporary.

Don't be silly.
Nothing could make me happier.

Living with my baby boy again
and his baby boy.

You too, of course.

I'll pamper you silly.

You'll never want to leave.

Coming, Louis?

I spent all morning
getting your room ready, sweetheart.

Here you go!

We still have bunk beds.

Louis loved having
his classmates sleep over.

I'll let you get settled in.

Dinner is in 17 minutes.

Cool.

A cartoon?

A stuffed animal?

A statue?

I don't know, draw something!

- A flea?
- No miming.

I don't know, help me!

A toy, a brooch...

No making noises either.

Time's up!

Great.

- So what was it?
- A dog.

Can't you see?

There's no tail.
You ever seen a dog?

Make an effort!
We're getting slaughtered.

She's really bad.

Excuse me?

Our turn!

Super simple! Ready, bunny?

- The hourglass.
- Yep.

We're off.

- A pot.
- Yes! Fabulous.

Simply fabulous!

We won.

You're still a star, bunny.
Fabulous!

We won.

I love this game.

You see, that's a real team.

5 MONTHS

If you knock,

it means
you're happy it's just us two.

And if you don't knock, it means...

you're happy it's us two.

You're right,
it might be rough-going.

Well?

Don't pressure me,

my lunch break is in 5 minutes
and my blood sugar is skyrocketing.

I feel woozy.

I found it. You're in luck.

Super! Thank you!

She's normal.

- Good job, baby!
- Cool.

Isn't it a pity
that your doctor's dead?

Father, we miss you.

Thank you all for being here today.

We're here to pay our last respects

to my father.

Your friend.

Your gynecologist.

A man who died the way he lived,

giving life.

Today, I feel ready

to take up this torch
by taking over his practice,

for Dad and I
exercise the same profession.

The bond is not severed,
life must carry on.

And I too shall give
the gift of life, to the end.

Avril!

- Can't we talk?
- No.

Don't you miss me?

Even a little?

Mom, I need time.

You take up too much space.
We both do.

I need to think about me.

- You're beautiful pregnant.
- Stop it.

Seeing my baby with a baby
in her womb does something to me.

Why aren't you ever mad
at your dad?

Dad has nothing to do with this.
He's a grownup.

You don't know everything.

I'm not mad you're having a child,
I'm mad you are one.

I need to be selfish.

Forget it, you don't know how.

Come on, come back!

I promise I'll try harder!

I'll wait and see.

I was just on my way out.

With the trash?

To think that some people
actually buy Christmas tree bags.

- I've thought it over.
- Me too.

Oh yeah. And?

- You first.
- No, you.

No, you.

- You first.
- You.

Go on.

If you knew how much I suffered

and how long it took me to move on.

- Me too.
- You're the one who left.

Yes, but you're the one
who broke up.

You were never there.

I had to work.
Maybe I worked too much...

I could've too if they'd let me.

You couldn't dance pregnant!

Afterwards, yes,
but you decided to stop.

How did I dance?

Was I good?

When I watched you dance...

You know it!

You were amazing.
I forgot everything.

Even your music?

Ok, maybe not my music.

But still...

I regret it.

Me too.

Tell me...

Is there room for me
in the baby's life?

If you only knew how alone I feel.

Without Avril.

You want me to postpone
my trip to Berlin?

To be with you.
I mean for the delivery.

Don't worry, we'll get by fine.
We're big girls.

You'll see her whenever you want,
whenever you can.

Promise me you'll be there for Avril.

She's still a baby.

And she needs us.

Even if she thinks she's strong.

I know.

Take care of yourselves.

Ok, bye.

Bye.

It's a big day for Quick Air.

It's visionary.

- Can't wait to see.
- You mean smell!

Open your nostrils wide.

Let's go.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

- Oh my god!
- What?

You're asking "what"?

Really? Can't you smell anymore?
The stench is unbearable!

That's because...

You have no talent! None at all.

But pregnant you're worthless!

I said to make a spray for the can,
not play Marie Curie!

Stop sniveling, goddammit!

- I apologize, are you alright?
- Not at all.

- It stinks to high heaven!
- It's just a first phase.

- You seen your mom recently?
- Yeah.

- Did you make up?
- No.

I feel numb, Dad.

Is my life passing me by?

What are you talking about?

Your life is ahead of you.

I'm tight-assed.

- I never do anything crazy.
- Sure you do!

I don't know, for example, you...

Come on, you...

You just...

You know very well, you're...

You've got...

- Yes, you do.
- No.

My scents are all in test tubes.

Like me.

I feel cut off.

I'm stuck, Dad.

I feel like my baby is stuck too.

Like it'll never be able to breathe.

- And we don't have sex.
- You don't?

Maybe Cecile is right.

Maybe I'm worthless.

Maybe I'm a lousy nose.

I'll end up like Irene.

No way! Not as long as I'm alive.

Are you a good nose, yes or no?

Say it out loud.
Are you a good nose or not?

- I'm a good nose.
- Can't hear you.

The nose of the century,
yes or no?

I'm a good nose.

Say it louder, I can't hear you.

- I'm the nose of the century.
- Get up.

Get up and say it.

- I'm the nose of the century.
- Louder.

The best ever!

That's it, my girl!

I'm a fucking good nose,
I kick ass!

I'm the best! Tell them, Dad.

- You're fabulous.
- Louder!

- Get down now.
- Say it louder!

That's enough.

- Excuse me, but...
- Do you have your car?

- Yes.
- I want to do something crazy.

Oh shit, I'm psycho! Come on, Dad.

- I'm a total psycho!
- What are you going to do?

You can still turn back.

You should leave this until tomorrow.

Shut up, my favorite Daddy.

You're making a big mistake.

Yes, Avril?

- Were you sleeping?
- Yes.

I totally wanted
to wake you up to tell you

that I'm an artist! A real one!

So you see,

your perfumes for the can,
your frustration and bad taste

are your problem, not mine!

I've decided to make ME happy!

That's right! Starting now!

So you can find yourself
another schnozzle slave! Ciao!

You know what?

I'm not surprised
you live alone with a cat!

Because no other human being
could ever stand you.

We'll get going now.

Yeah, because we're bored. Just
looking at you puts me to asleep.

Who's that, Mommy?

She's nothing.

She's no one.

Hello, super-cute little girl.

And perfect little boy.

And daddy hunk.

We like cats too, you know.

But we prefer dogs.

Fuck you, Cecile!

Cecile!

Be careful. You're totally nuts.

Daddy-Pie!

Yes, but...

- My sweet Daddy-Pie!
- Be careful!

- Get down!
- Stop it, I'm alive!

You can live with your head
and belly inside.

Get down.

I'm not going
to Louis' parents tonight.

- Oh yeah?
- No.

I think your hormones are going wild.

Come on,
let's do something else crazy.

I really wouldn't want
to be in Louis' shoes right now.

The cephalic region...

The upper lip...

7 MONTHS

The morphology looks good.

The diaphragm...

And the navel...

Everything's perfect!

Have you seen the midwife
to prepare for labor?

We even took
the "Full Security" option.

You leave nothing to chance.

Any questions?

Avril's breasts
are secreting colostrum.

- Is that normal?
- Yes.

Barely anything.

Two or three drops in the morning.

No more.

I love the smell in here.

It's...

It's protective incense.

Is that it?

Specially created
for the primiparous woman.

I brought it back
from a trip to Rajasthan.

I love it there.

Really? I dream of going.

It's a marvelous country.

Cows give birth
making love on full moon nights.

I didn't know.

You're not going away again
coming up soon?

Rest assured, not right away.

But at least once every two years...

I need a change.

I understand.

I can't stand it.

Oh no? How funny.

Depends for who.

I'll see you on the big day?

Can I touch your little balls?

The little balls on your necklace.

Of course.

They're teeny llama testicles.

- Dried?
- They represent fertility.

Is the willy teeny?

I think we'll disinfect our hands.

I'll register... excuse me...

your social security number.

I'll see you on the big day.

You're sure this
won't make it nauseous?

Who cares!

- He moved!
- No.

- Yes, he moved.
- No, he didn't.

- I felt him move.
- Be quiet.

- He moved.
- Shut up.

I swear, I think he moved.

Charles,
this is your father speaking.

Can you hear me?

They say you should talk to them.

Maybe you could wait till he's born?

And "Charles" no way in hell.

It's my granddad's name.
Dad really cares.

Shove your dumb principles.

Can I sleep above?

Don't take it wrong, but you take up
lots of room and you're hot.

I need to be awake
for my lunch with my advisor.

Oh yeah, tough day.

Goodnight, bunny.

I quit my job.

I'm tired of wasting my talent
on that stinkhole.

And you think it's good timing?

Yes. I think
it's the best possible timing.

I've always dreamt of creating
my own perfumes.

You couldn't wait
till I finished my thesis?

You'll never finish your thesis.

You don't even have a passport.
We live in fear.

I'm missing a document.

We're afraid of everything together.
You do realize that?

We've never even left France.

Good morning!

- Talking about my Charles?
- He's not Charles!

- What's wrong with you?
- Go to hell!

Cock! Balls! Sodomy!

Avril, open the door.

Stop acting like a child.
Open the door.

- What's going on?
- Hush.

We do have a key.

Give it to me.

Where'd she go?

Oh, I see.

She's an acrobat.

Come to Daddy.

There,
now it's positioned correctly.

So what do we see?

- Look at that.
- Oh my gosh!

- It's heart is beating.
- I sure hope so.

She looks so much like Avril.

6 MONTHS

Except she has a dick.

Look at the two little nutties!

It's a boy.

A boy?

He'll be gay.
I've called him "her" for months.

Sorry, are you gay?

- Yes.
- That's fantastic.

That's wonderful. How cool.

Congrats.

Thanks.

How's Avril doing?

She's blossoming.

Honestly.

- A little souvenir photo?
- Sure.

Look at this.

A miracle of technology.

Thank you.

8 MONTHS

What's HJ doing?

That's his hiding place.

His secret spot.

There must be old bones
and clumps of dog hair in there.

You promise
you won't tell Mom I'm a mess?

She'd be oh-so-pleased.

You know, Avril...

Your mother never
wanted you to be unhappy.

Besides, we're not talking.

- I'm leaving on Monday.
- Your job is everything.

Look, you're here when I need you.

It's just a coincidence.

Hey, what's this?
You've gained weight!

Not as much as you.

And surely not as much
as when we were expecting you.

Only now
you have no reason to brood.

Yeah.

You want to feel him move?

Look.

Did you feel him kick?

I think he wants to dance.

Ballet Bumps:
Keep dancing while expecting

Stick those stomachs out!

Relax.

Take a deep breath and exhale slowly.

There we go. That's it, Mado.

Yes. Let go.

Oops. Sorry.

Sorry.

Are there any breech babies?

Henri, you should talk
to your child through her vagina.

To help it turn. Go on, do it now.

Say: "Come see Daddy."

Hocine, her vagina is underwater.

You can do it, you're a good man.
Talk to her vagina.

Go on.

You too waited until

you were really old
to have your first child?

Oh no, not at all.
I had my first when I was 17.

17?

And giving birth...

what was it like?

Giving birth was...

Yes?

It was the most beautiful day
of my life.

What a beautiful soul, Mado.

That's very touching.

You're a wonderful mother.

That's right.

Shit, I've been so stupid!

I have to get my daughter.

It's a boy. The king's choice.
We're the best!

Shit, I've been so stupid!

Avril, call me back,
I don't know where you are.

I heard you moved.

I'm looking for you. Call me back.

Are you alright?

- Would you like some water?
- Yes.

Avril, I've left you 5 messages.

I'm worried. Call me back.

It's Mom.

Avril!

Are you ok, honey?

- Her sister?
- No, her mother. She's my baby.

- What happened?
- Her mother?

Yes.

Don't you take care of her?

People used to take parenting
seriously.

You were naughty!

Your daughter and her baby,
don't you know it's sacred?

Couldn't you watch out?
This is too much.

- Justine!
- Say what?

You see these two toubabs?
She's her mama!

No way!

- Emilien!
- Yes, Mom?

Take these two back home.

You don't budge before giving birth,
you hear me?

Carry her.

- No, no...
- I'll take care of her.

He'll carry you!

Let's go.

- Thank you so much.
- Look at her!

And she says "thank you."

Mom, why didn't you say
Dad was the father?

- It would've changed everything.
- Are you sure?

Yes.

I mean, no.

No. I don't know.
But you could have tried.

How do you know?

HJ hid the ultrasound in his hole.

I hate that mutt.

My sweetheart.

Could you open the door, ma'am?

The door.

I'm sorry.

So beautiful...

He must be asleep.

No way,
he's loving every second.

Listen: "Thanks, Granny!"

Have you talked to Dad?

Stay out of it, please.

You love each other. I don't get you.

Come on, we're adults.

Any news from him?

You're interested?

Yes, I have news.
He's worried about you.

If he was worried, he'd be here.

Weren't you kind of hard on him?

I don't want to meddle but he's
conducting in Paris on April 15th.

9 MONTHS

7 MONTHS

Marc Daursault: The Consecration!

- Cup-and-ball toy?
- Yes!

This is bullshit!
You're two... no four against one!

I'm letting you win!

Go on, carry on. We don't care.

I don't give a shit,
it's only a game.

Super simple.

Sausage? Is that it?

Sausage? Big sausage?

Dry sausage?

Salami balls!

You're cheating.
You have a ninja code or something?

How can you do that to me?

We won!

And you lost!

This is BS.

It's intellectually dishonest.
I'm ashamed for you.

How can...

Mom...

Did you really just pee on the floor
to deconcentrate me?

- Call an ambulance!
- Ok, sit down.

Over-the-top!

- Get with it! She's in labor.
- No way!

Is that the ambulance?

Hello, ma'am.
I dropped by to see Avril.

- Who are you? You got wheels?
- Yes.

Charlotte!

- Yeah?
- You drive them.

Where are you going?

To get your father.

We'll take care of you.

I love you. You'll do great.

Hurry back, Mom.

No, you're coming with.

Blood, newborns, all that,
I'll never survive!

- Do something with her!
- Shut up! We can do it, ok?

Come on, we can do it!

Hey guys?

I've got the keys!

Guys?

Sorry!

You ok?

- Easy does it.
- Here.

- Thanks.
- Here.

I'm so happy you're here.

- Where's hubby?
- That's the gorgeous doc?

I'll check your cervical dilation.

Cervical dilation!
I love when you say that.

He's just gonna stick
a finger up you.

Precisely.

- That's not very...
- It's true.

He's gonna stick a finger up...

I love your thighs.

Come on.

Move aside, I'm pregnant!

Come on, push.

- I love you dammit!
- I promise, you don't.

Your smell drives me wild.

Push one last time
and then we'll talk.

You're almost there.

Here she is.

It's a girl.

- I have to call Louis!
- Yes, ok.

She's so little.

She's so pretty.

- Hurry!
- Can we slow down?

- I'm 3 times my usual weight.
- I'll help you.

You're crazy!

You're crazy.

We're totally insane...

when we're together.

I love you too.

I don't want you
to go back to Berlin.

I'm getting the car.
I'll never leave you two again.

We've got Daddy back.

Honey, I missed you so much.

She's so beautiful.

This is your daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

She makes me want
to travel the world.

What'll we do?

We'll stop living in fear.

We'll figure out the rest.

The three of us.

Promise we'll never end up
like our parents.

This film is dedicated to
all mothers... and their daughters!

9 MONTHS

- I feel the head.
- I'm going into labor!

What do I do?

- Grab him, he's not far!
- I can't do that!

Do the doggy!

Breathe.

Everyone ready?
Hurry up, I have a rehearsal to make.

Wait, this isn't HJ's good profile.

Are you kidding?

Come on, drop it.

- It's not his good profile!
- What profile?

HJ, make an effort.

That's it.

There we go.

THE END

CHARLES
6 MONTHS

- See?
- What? The plane?

No, our family.

Still wondering
if you're my aunt or my sister.

What a dumb lot.

Yeah, right.

Shh! Irène is listening.

She is so creepy.

Look at your feet,
that'll create a diversion.

Some bread to chew on!

Yummy!