Babe Watch: Forbidden Parody (1996) - full transcript
Beautiful models wearing next to nothing, saddle up in this parody of Bay Watch.
- [Radio] Good news for motorists today.
The earthquake damaged freeways
are now repaired and
open ahead of schedule
thanks to a million dollar cash incentive
skimmed from taxpayer dollars.
Mudslides have finally been cleared
from the Pacific coast highway,
but motorists are warned to
watch for that occasional
leather couch in the fast lane.
This just in: at the beach,
it's another beautiful day.
(laser sound)
("Don't Rescue Me From Falling in Love"
(by Tane McClure plays)
(girls chattering)
(waves crashing)
- Enrollment is limited
to six each Summer.
Please list...
- Oop, sorry.
- No shoving!
Please list any previous
lifeguard experience you may
have had in the past if any.
- Out of the way! Incoming!
- Oh Ty-Dy, this is going
to be the best Summer ever!
I know we're going to
be better friends too.
- Okay maggots, line up!
My name is Ms. Woodrow
and i'm going to be your instructor.
Now lifesaving is a serious profession.
I would like to hear from each of you
on why you chose to enroll in this class.
You first!
- Uh, hi, my name's Lucki
and i'm a native Californian.
I thought this would be
a good way to meet guys.
- Cool.
- This is a lifeguard school!
Please tell me you're in the wrong place.
- Uh, no.
- Before this gets out of hand
let me remind you that
this not a dating service!
The beach is hardly a
place for fun and romance.
Ask my ex-husband.
- Hi, i'm Ty-Dy, i'm an apiring actress.
I thought that being a lifeguard
would be a good part
time job between gigs.
- Surprise me.
- Uh, my name's Crucial.
I spend every Summer at the beach,
so I figure I might as
well get paid for it.
- You people are pathetic!
Would anyone like to know
why I became a lifeguard?
- Uh, no, not really.
(car honks)
(tires screech)
- What the...
- [Crucial] What's that?
Wow, beauty! Yeah.
- Hope i'm not late.
I had car trouble again.
- Maybe I can help you with it.
- Don't bother.
You wouldn't have a tool
large enough for the job.
- We took the last two applications.
- Enrollment is limited.
- Oh really?
Well I drove all the way out here
so who's going to give
up their spot for me?
- Wait a minute, I took
an extra one by mistake, you can have it.
- Thanks.
- We were just introducing ourselves.
- I'm Bodacia, and i'm
from Silicon Valley.
- Figures.
- I'm a three time beauty pageant queen
and I won all events except congeniality.
I'm a model, you might recognize me
as Ms. (Quickie Loo)
- Was that you?
I didn't recognize you
with your clothes on.
I love your work!
- I hate to bring this up,
but you don't seem much
like the lifeguard type.
- You got me, i'm doing
it for community service.
I just did this little calendar
with the school's mascot, the mule?
How was I supposed to know that take
was going to be called
obscene in 27 states.
- That was very nice, thank you.
Next!
- I'm Derek.
I heard CPR's a good way to meet girls.
Is it true they're eternally
grateful if you save their lives?
- I wouldn't be.
- Hi, my name is Brock
and i'm from Iowa.
- I wonder how he is at plowing.
What I really want to do
is work near the ocean.
By the way, what's (mumbling)?
- It's the ocean, and
you if you want a tour
of the city, just let me know.
- I'd like to see some of the sights.
- Take a picture, it'll last longer.
- Oh Brock!
- He's taken, sorry.
- That's enough for today.
Meet back here at 8 a.m. tomorrow.
- Our best Summer ever, huh?
- Could you hand me that?
Ty-Dy, i'm talking to you!
- Listen to this.
Actress wanted, no experience necessary.
Must like all kinds of people,
nudity required and no inhibitions a must.
Shoots for two days in Simi Valley.
- You auditioned for them last month,
it's a porno movie.
- Oh.
- Could you help me with a bathing suit?
- Sure, what style are you looking for?
- One that leaves nothing
to the imagination.
I want to get as much sun as possible.
- I hear you loud and clear.
How about Northern Exposure?
If there were any less
fabric, you'd be nude.
- It is tempting,
but i'd really like something that
lifts my cheeks and separates them.
- Then i'd recommend... the Butt Jammer.
Skimpy in back, with lots of lift,
but ever so provocative to the eye.
- It looks like two teeth being flossed.
- I never thought of it that way,
but it is one of our best sellers.
- You don't say.
Well I have sacrificed
comfort for style before.
Let me try it on.
(sexy music)
- Hey girls.
- Hi?
- Derek. Lifeguard School.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- You said you were interested
in meeting some new guys.
Well here I am!
- You must have misunderstood.
We were talking about men, not boys.
- Oh... oh, I see.
- Could you help me tie this in the back?
- Certainly.
(giggling)
What do you think?
Should I hike it up more?
(gasping)
I'll take it!
- Good choice.
That'll be 23 even.
- Thanks.
- Don't forget extra sunblock.
- I think I just saw the face of an angel.
- Come again.
- Check it out.
- Like, hi.
- Hello, young ladies.
I want to introduce myself, i'm Dek.
Head lifeguard.
You ladies ever have any problems
just call the lifeguard tower
and i'll be right over.
- Actually, I do have a problem.
I don't have a date tonight.
- Lucki!
- Well he asked.
- I'm flattered.
But I think that might be
out of my jurisdiction.
- Well think about it,
I live on PCH.
You could maybe stop by after work.
- I do work late.
- Yeah, yeah, and we have
to get up early tomorrow.
We're studying to be lifeguards.
- What a coincidence.
I monitor that school.
I'm sure we'll be seeing
a lot of each other this Summer.
- I'm counting on it.
I live on the corner
of PCH and Heat Stroke.
I get off at five.
- Okay, i'll think about it.
- Bye.
(moaning)
- Oh my God, this one is perfect for me!
- What is?
- Oh, you'll just try and discourage me.
It's an open casting
call, i'd better hurry.
I'll see you later tonight.
- Take your time.
Don't hurry back, I may be sitting on Dek.
- That bum!
He'd better show up if he
knows what's good for him.
- Hi, Dek.
I had almost given up on you.
- I wasn't sure if I should come or not.
- I made you a drink, I hope you like it.
- What is this stuff?
- It's my own special blend.
It's tequila, rum, and passion fruit.
It's 150 proof.
- You could strip the
paint off a car with this.
- It's also good at removing inhibitions.
Let's take these clothes
off and go for a dip.
- I think skinny dipping
is a little too much
for our first meeting.
- You pervert, I didn't say
skinny dipping, we just met.
Maybe after one more drink.
Ready to take that big plunge?
- Freeze!
- What the...
- I got a call back in this movie,
Pistol Packing Cheerleader.
It's a docu-drama taken straight
from today's headlines.
- Can't you see I have company?
- It's alright, I think I should be going.
- You just got here!
- I know.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
- Look what you did!
I was about to ride the big tsunami.
- Sure you were.
I need peace and quiet to rehearse.
- Then, in the big finale,
she blows away the entire Yell Squad
vigilante style!
- I'd pay to see something like that.
- Quiet, people!
Now line up!
Today is your first
chance to hit the ocean
and get a feel for it.
- I can't go in the water,
I just put suntan lotion on!
- Get in there!
(groaning)
- It's cold!
- It's wet!
- Just rub some on your
body and you'll be fine.
- Hey, can I help you with that, Bodacia?
- Get away from me!
- Hey Brock, want to
join the mile deep club?
- Now there's a 50 yard
marker out in the water.
I want you to swim out to it, then return.
Anyone who takes longer than one minute
will have to enroll in my
remedial breaststroke class.
Ready, and begin!
(beach music)
(dramatic music)
(beach music)
Very good, you all made it in on time.
- Hey, where's Ty-Dy?
(screaming)
- Help!
( dramatic music)
(screaming)
(gasping)
Oh my God!
Help!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, i'll be fine.
- Class, i'm appalled!
Someone almost drowns
right in front of you
and only two people try and rescue her?
- We're sorry.
- You're darn right you're a sorry group.
- Oh please, i've wrestled
larger toys in the bath tub.
The fact that it took you three losers
to subdue one squid speaks for itself.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Stop it, you two!
Now I want the rest of you to each
write in the sand 50 times:
life guarding is not a spectator sport!
Get to it!
- You better be more careful,
you almost bought the farm.
- Yeah, thanks guys.
- Good work, you two.
You stood tall in the face of duty.
- How do you spell spectator?
- Hey Lucki.
- What is it?
- Listen, I finally got to find out
what kind of person you are today
and you know what?
I hate teacher's pets.
- Get lost!
You're just jealous because i'm
the better swimmer than you.
- Sure you are.
You're not better than me in anything.
I challenge you to a competition.
You choose the sport.
- Fine, how about volleyball?
(laughs) You're on.
- [Crucial] Come on.
- Whenever you're ready.
My serve.
Game point.
- Oooh.
- Remember what I said.
You're not better than me at anything.
- Close game.
- (unison) One, two,
(Let them hall in you)
Three, four, cause (mumbling).
- Okay everyone, quiet.
I'm here.
Now listen carefully
because i'm not going to say it twice.
This is a cheerleader with a vengeance.
I want to see and I want
to feel teenage angst.
First, is Dawn Weatherbee.
- Alright, you dumb jock,
i'm not the kind of girl who
puts out on the first date.
I'm going to teach you a lesson.
(gunshot)
(gasp)
(shrieking)
I brought a real gun.
Helps me get into character.
You want me to do the scene where I
take out the rival cheerleading team?
- No!
- No, no.
- Uh, no.
We'll call if we need you.
Next...
- Is Ty-Dy Decotti.
- Hello.
- Whenever you're ready.
I'm waiting.
Bring it alive for me.
- I'm sorry.
(boat engine)
Oh Lucki, what am I going to do?
I just completely froze.
What if i'm not cut out to be an actress?
This was going to be my biggest part
since I played basketball in high heels.
- This month's issue of Saucy Magazine
has an article on the exact same thing.
It says when you fall off the horse
you got to get right back on!
- Has that worked for you?
- I always did like putting
my feet in the stirrups.
- But what if i'm not cut out
to be a lifeguard either?
- Oh please, not another flashback!
- I'm sorry.
- Don't worry, watch,
next time you get in the water
it'll be like nothing ever happened.
- I hope so.
(beach music)
- Woah.
- Look, there she is.
A special kind of girl,
one who's never heard the expression
"I want you for your mind."
- Wow, I hear ya.
Woah.
Woah, dude.
- Would you do her?
- Would I do her?
The question is would I stop.
- We need to advantage of
these California babes.
One hand washes the other.
- Yeah!
Take this.
- Hey, I saw her first!
- Excuse me, Miss.
I'm from out of town and i'm lost.
- Oh, where you from?
- Venice, er, I mean Venezuela.
- Oh, Buenos Nachos!
This is such a coincidence.
I'm studying first year
Spanish at Sea Sun.
You could really help me with
my conversational skills.
- I could?
- Yeah! Okay, imagine you're a waiter
and i'm your customer.
Now ask me for my order.
- Your burrito's ready.
- No, in Espanol.
- I think I hear my mom calling me.
Dude, I should have thought
this out more carefully.
- Man, watch a master at work.
You're still on level one.
I'm ready for the next plateau.
- Oooh!
Oh, i'm sorry.
- Oh no, it was my fault.
I should be watching where i'm going.
- I'm just glad you're
not hurt or anything.
- No, not at all.
In fact, I feel an obligation
to make it up to you.
How's dinner sound?
- That's very sweet,
but you don't have to.
- No no, I insist.
How about my place around midnight?
Clothing is optional.
- You pig!
You tripped me on purpose!
There's what I think of dinner.
- Good one, dude.
- Well it doesn't work every time.
(laughing)
- I hope you like your lunch, Brock.
It's 100% organic.
- Hey, is there any corn?
I gre up eating corn.
Every Thanksgiving we'd have
corn with corn bread,
corn stuffing, corn syrup.
- Sounds yummy.
- Hey, guess what we did for Halloween.
- You bobbed for corn on the cob?
- No, but that sounds like fun!
What I did is I took the
clothes off the scarecrow
and went trick or treating in them.
- Hey, why don't you take
a bite of this sandwich.
You're much more attractive
when you're not talking.
- Oh, what is it?
- It's my specialty.
It's liver flavored tofu,
soy bean cheese and sprouts
in cauliflower dressing.
Delish, huh?
- Yeah, but i'm really
not too hungry right now.
- I'm not hungry either.
At least not for food.
- Bodacia, what are you doing?
- Kiss me, Brock!
Make me see fireworks
like it's the 4th of July!
Oooh!
(bonk)
(growls)
Alright, who the hell does this belong to?
- Oh, hi.
You found our ball.
- You better take it back
before I stick it where
the sun don't shine.
- Like, hi, Brock.
- Hello.
- You got your ball, now
get the hell out of here!
- Come on Lucki, let's
go get some corn dogs.
- Corn dogs?!
Where?
(screaming)
- Maybe i'll show you how
I take a whole corn dog
in my mouth at once.
- Really? I can do the same thing!
- Lucki.
- Oh, like hi, Dek.
This is my friend Brock
from lifeguard school.
- Hey come on Lucki,
you promised to show me how you can
take the whole thing
in your mouth at once.
- This isn't what it looks like.
- Don't worry, you don't
owe me an explanation.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
I was looking for you.
I wanted to apologize for leaving early
the other night, but I
guess you've moved on.
- I can't wait to see
how she handles this one.
She hates possessive men.
- Honestly, I was just
having lunch with my friends.
If you want to find me
later, you know where I am.
- You could dip just about anything
in corn and get me to eat it.
Really! You going to eat that?
- Help yourself.
- I like all kinds of
corn except cream corn.
Something about mixing it with milk
really ruins it for me.
- Yeah, i'll remember that
if I ever fix dinner for you.
- How it hanging, Ty-Dy?
- Huh?
Oh, i'm fine.
- I was wondering, Lucki seems to have
her share of boyfriends.
Are you seeing anyone?
- No.
I'm saving myself for my true love.
I'm a thespian.
- Oooh. I get it, so you
and Lucki are more than friends.
- Yeah... oh no, not that.
I mean i'm an actress!
My true love is the theater.
- Oooh, you lost me there for a minute.
Is there anyone special in your life?
- No, but someday i'll meet Mr. Right.
I picture him as a
Hollywood Director/Producer.
Out on the town every night,
movie premieres, substance abuse clinics.
What a life!
- So you don't think there's
a possibility for a guy like me?
- Well, you do remind me
of the cartoon brother I never had.
- You can really give a guy a complex.
- I'm calling my Parole Officer
and giving him a piece of my mind
of what I think about this
beach community service!
Maybe I can still clean up
manure at the race track.
Yeah...
Oh God, would you just...
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no, it was my fault, really.
Maybe you're just what i'm looking for.
- Oh yeah? How's that?
- You've had lunch yet?
- No, it was a little crowded.
- Oh, well why don't you share mine?
I have plenty.
I hope you like... health food.
(laughing)
(giggling)
(off screen growling)
- Ty-Dy, I have a problem.
- Oh Lucki, sometimes
you are so easy to read.
You can't decide between
Brock or Dek, right?
- No, actually I was wondering
which bathing suit brought
the highlights out in my hair.
- Oh, sorry.
- Well now that you mention it,
I do have a problem.
Two guys, and you know which one I want?
- The sensitive one.
The one that'll remember your birthday
and bring you flowers
and send you special little notes.
- No! Get out of here!
I want the one Bodacia wants.
Let her have sloppy seconds.
- Well which one does she want?
- I don't know, she's just too fickle.
It's like when we were in school,
if there were five slices of
apple pie in the cafeteria
and only one slice of peach,
you'd take the peach, right?
- You lost me, I was
never very good at math.
Which one does she want?
- It's not important.
Watch out, tomorrow it's
every man for himself.
- You're late again, Bodacia!
- It was worth it.
I got my parole reduced by a month.
- Tie this in back for me, would you?
- [Crucible] Yeah!
Hey, don't bogart those
bikini straps, dude!
- Alright, pay attention!
When I call out your name,
I want each of you to recite
a lesson in beach safety.
God help you if you
can't come up with one!
Lucki, you go first.
- Uh, don't go in the
water right after you eat.
- Good.
You next, Crucial.
- Uh, when you're
swimming and you're tired,
try it doggie style.
- That's the dog paddle.
- I would have had a better one
if you asked me first.
- Bodacia.
- Don't go in the water
when it's... squid season.
- That's right, or shark season as well.
Your turn, Ty-Dy.
- If you find yourself sinking,
grab onto something that floats.
Like silicone.
- Good one.
Go ahead, Derek.
- Um, don't roughhouse in the water.
- That's right, and no roughhousing
on the sand either.
- Brock?
- Don't pull a cow's tail
while you're milking it.
- I was talking about beach safety.
Never mind.
I'd like to see some jumping jacks.
Ready? Begin!
(ragtime music)
- Excuse me, Woody.
- I asked you not to call me that.
- I need to see one of your students.
- They're busy right now,
can you come back later?
- This is it.
- This'll only take a minute.
- Out of my way, you bag of bones!
- It's me he wants, you two bit slut.
- Alright, make it quick.
- Dek, what is it that you want?
- She's confused, it's me that you want.
- He wants me, you piece of trash!
- Talk to your mother with that mouth?
- Actually, I came here to see Derek.
Someone turned your wallet
in the lost and found.
- Oh, thanks!
I didn't realize it was missing.
- A girl picked it up when she
ran into you rollerblading.
Said she had dinner on your credit card
since you offered, and
she left her phone number.
- Oh, she left me her number?
- No, she actually left it for me,
but it's against policy
for me to go out with her.
Too bad though.
- Oh. Thanks for my wallet.
- Hey, i'm just doing my job.
- Dek, don't you have something to
say to me while you're here?
- Yeah, me too.
- Uh... no, not really.
- See, you scared him away
for being so desperate.
- Oh shut up already!
- Alright, line up, it's time to
get your lifeguard manuals.
Elevens chapters, everything from
CPR to the proper handling
of nude sunbathers.
This book is your bible.
Learn it and learn it well!
- Hey Bodacia, now that
I got my wallet back
do you want to go to dinner with me?
- When Hell freezes over.
- Come on, at least let us cup a feel.
- Tell you what, if I get you guys a date
with one of the girls in the class
will you just leave me alone?
- But all the other girls
seem to have more scruples than you do.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're the one who appeared
nude in that calendar last year.
- If you knew how many times
I held that up with one hand.
- Oh God, you're going to make me puke.
Just work with me here, alright?
Ty-Dy, you got a minute?
- Oh wait, i'm trying to find the chapter
one when squid season is over.
- Listen, I have this idea.
Why don't we all get
together for a study session
to keep the tension off.
- I don't know.
- Yeah, we could have a cram session!
- Yeah, Bodacia's good with that!
Look how far her bathing suit's
crammed up her butt.
- Hey, what are you guys talking about?
- We're going to have a
study session tonight.
You want to come?
- Yeah!
Hey, maybe somebody can explain
those big words to me.
- Count me in!
- Great, thanks for
letting us use your place.
- Uh, wait a minute!
- See you there!
- Lucki, where are you going
to get money for a party?
- I don't know!
Wait a minute, we could make it a luau,
and I could get decorations
from the bikini shop!
- Yeah, and i'll get the leftover food
from my brother's graduation.
- Perfect!
(party music)
- Lucki, this food isn't thawed yet.
It's completely frozen.
- Who cares?
I hope everybody brings something.
- Hey look, I brought some corn.
- Thanks.
Anyway, keep your eye on Bodacia.
I don't want anything stolen.
- Woah.
- Remember what I told you,
you ask a lot of stupid questions
and you try to look interested.
- Okay.
Are those real?
- Not me, you ask them the questions!
Go on.
- Lucki, where's the corn I brought?
- Oh, it was just so
good we couldn't resist.
- Hi, Brock.
- Hello.
- I was hoping to see you here.
- Hey guys, come on, let's
get the party started.
- Uh, Ty-Dy, I was wondering,
what was your first acting job?
- That is so nice of you to ask!
Well you're not going to believe this,
but I was in the original Woodstock.
- Really? Aren't you a
little young for that?
- Not really.
I was born there.
It's my first screen credit.
You can see it in the Director's Cut.
- Wow.
- Uh, I was on a television show once.
- Huh?
No way!
- It was Cops.
I ran from this police car,
but all you saw was my backside.
- Um, so Ty-Dy, what's the most
recent part you've auditioned for?
- Well I just read for a part
in Pretty Hooker: The Sequel.
- Really? I love that
charming Cinderella story!
- Yeah, could you do a scene for us?
- Oh God, no!
- I sure could.
I've been turning tricks on this corner
for half of my life.
The motel down the street gives me
a discount rate for the guys that have
more than ten dollars to spend.
I just wish my Prince Charming
would come along!
- Thanks for sharing.
I thought that we got together
to study our lifeguard manuals.
- Good idea because i've only
looked at the pages that
have pictures on them.
- I got a better idea.
How about a... limbo party?
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Let's do it.
- See if you guys can do better than this.
- (unison) How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
- Okay guys, when I tell you,
you'll lower the bar and you'll get some!
- Woah!
- What?!
Did I tell you do thatl, you idiots?
Did I tell you to do that? Huh?!
- You said that if we got their tops off
we'd get some action!
- Is that what this is all about?
Get the hell out!
- [Crucial] Dude...
- You still angry about
what happened last night?
- Only with Bodacia.
- Yeah, i'm going to shove
her overly made up face deep in the sand.
- Then i'm going to put my foot
where her bikini wax stops.
- Hey, have you forgiven me yet?
- Get lost, Bozo!
- Coming through.
- What the hell's all this?
- Hey watch it, don't get in my light.
I'm shooting my new calendar today.
- Twelve Months of Halloween, yeah right.
- Drop dead, you're just jealous because
it's not your scawny little
body being photographed.
(giggling)
- Look at that vulgar display.
(playful humming)
- Wow...
- Ooooh...
- Oh who cares?
No one in their right mind
would buy that calendar anyway.
- I wonder when it goes on sale?
- Yeah, i'm going to
get me an advanced copy.
- That slut, she'll get hers.
- Man.
Woah.
- Mwah!
- Listen to this.
I've decided to write a play for myself.
I'm going to play (Sandos),
the hippy babysitter.
- That's so five minutes ago.
What do you know about the sixties?
- That's the idea, it's retro.
- Oh, hold that thought.
I see a customer.
Can I help you with that?
- Yeah, where's the dressing room?
- Over there.
- Lucki, I didn't know this was
the seedy little bikini
shop you worked in.
- Bodacia, what the hell do you want?
- I'm looking for a new
bikini for my calendar.
I'd like to see something
cheap and really slutty.
- Yeah, well the mirror's over there.
- You think you're
really funny, don't you?
Well never mind, i'll find one myself.
- Hey Ty-Dy, get a load of this.
The owner of the bikini
shop is in the back.
He's looking for a
spokes model for his new
Summer line of swimwear.
- Oh, hey, what a great opportunity.
- I wonder who the lucky girl will be?
- Just trying something on.
(giggling)
- Hey!
- I understand you're looking
for a new spokes model.
- Actually, I was just...
- Don't speak, just take a look at these!
- I really think you're
making some sort of mistake here.
- No wait, no wait,
there's more, there's more.
Take a look at this.
- Hey Bodacia, are you okay in there?
- Everything's just fine.
So what do you think?
Do I get the job or what?
- You're insane.
What job?
- You are the owner of
this bikini shop, right?
- What are you talking about?
I'm just trying on this bathing suit!
- Oh my God!
Oh my... God!
I thought you said that the owner
of the shop was in the back!
- You must have misunderstood,
he's in the back parking his limo.
Are you going to buy that suit or what?
- No! I wouldn't be caught dead
in anything from this store!
(laughs)
- I'll take it.
- Now pay attention!
I hope you've all been
reading your manuals.
Today we're going to be
learning chapter 5: CPR.
- Yes!
Giving babes mouth to mouth!
- Oh God, i'd rather be a hooker
at a Star Trek Convention.
- Any volunteers?
- Huh?
- Brock, you come up here!
- This isn't going to hurt, now is it?
- Only if we're lucky.
Now lay down to simulate
a possible drowning.
Who wants to come and revive him?
- Oh, me!
- Out of my way, sea hag!
- Lucki, you try.
We can all learn from your mistakes.
- Ha ha, Bodacia!
What do I do?
- You check for any signs of blockage.
- Watch out, she's going to
try and steal your wallet.
- Not in his shorts!
Check his throat.
- Oh, sorry.
I smell corn.
- I just had lunch.
- [Lucki] Does anyone
have like a breath mint?
- Must I do everything myself?
Stand back and let a professional
show you how it's done!
First you block the nasal passage.
This gives you a direct
route of breathing.
- Stop shoving!
- Shut up already!
- Girls! Pay attention for once!
Now does anyone know what is next?
- You ask them if they
have medical insurance.
- No!
Then you take a deep breath
and prepare to blow it into his lungs.
Now watch and learn!
- Wow, it really works!
- Any questions?
- Where am I?
- [Woodrow] Class dismissed!
- Oh, hey everybody, my
new play opens tonight!
Called Don't Tell Mom
The Babysitter's On Acid.
I hope you all can make it!
You'll be able to come,
won't you Ms. Woodrow?
- Yeah, right.
- [Hippy] What's going on?
(Hippy chatter)
- [Hippy] Hey guys, come on now.
- Woah, thanks for bringing me.
I've never been to live theater before.
Except our barnyard musicals.
Hey, ask what character I play.
- Uh, a scarecrow?
- You're right!
Hey, watch this.
Mr. Rooster, what do you
have to crow about today?
(bawking)
- Okay, that's plenty, thanks.
I wonder where Ty-Dy is.
- Hey guys!
I'm so glad you could make it.
- Who are all these
people in the audience?
- Oh, I called all these
important magazines
like The Reporter so they
could review my show.
That's how you get to Broadway.
- Hi, i'm here from the
Marijuana Growers Weekly.
- [Ty-Dy] Thanks for coming.
- I guess you got the right audience.
- Oh, I am so nervous.
I hope everybody likes it.
- Hi, Ty-Dy!
- Hi, Mom!
- Ooooh, i'm so excited for you!
I'm just sorry your brother
Butterfly couldn't be here.
- Aw, that's okay.
- Yeah.
- Mom, I want you to meet my friends.
This is Lucki and Brock.
- Nice to meet you.
- Do you like my costume?
- Oh it's perfect!
Did you know that your babysitter
actually dropped acid once while
she was taking care of you?
- No way!
[Ty-Dy] That is too radical!
- [Mom] It's true!
I like to think it's one reason
why you grew up the way you did.
- Wow, that puts a whole new
light on my character.
- Well i'll see you inside.
Break a leg!
- Thanks.
(audience chatter)
- Good luck, Ty-Dy, you'll need it.
(rock music)
(coughing)
- Wait a minute, i'm not ready!
What's my motivation?
- Not to upstage me!
- Alright Lisa, now you behave yourself
when the new babysitter gets here.
- I'm old enough to not
to need a babysitter.
- Just shut up and don't
embarrass me in front of her!
- Like, hi.
I'm Sandos, your babysitter.
- [Hippy] Wow, what's going on, man?
- You're late.
Now let's go over a few rules.
- No problem.
You got any munchies?
- I'm sure we do.
Now no boys over here tonight,
no loud music and no destructive games.
- Got it, man!
- I'm going to be home at midnight.
You be a good little girl.
- Bye, mommy.
- Peace!
- [Hippy] What happened to the light?
Dude, i've got a gnarly headache.
- What's supposed to be happening?
- I think it symbolizes a bad trip.
- Shhh!
- Alright man!
Are you ready to play some games?
- I want to hear a scary story!
Like the one about the
babysitter and the maniac
who keeps calling her
from inside the house.
- (whispering) Stop ab-libbing.
No, we're going to be butterflies.
Okay, first we're caterpillars.
Now we're spinning our cocoons
and we're becoming beautiful butterflies.
Now we're ready to break
out of our cocoons and fly.
- I don't feel like i'm flying.
- Funny, I do.
- Oh poor Ty-Dy, this really bites.
- [Hippy] Someone help her up, dude!
What was that all about?
- Uh, there will be a
five minute intermission.
- [Hippy] Do that again.
- Are you okay?
- Uh yeah, I just couldn't see
the edge of the stage, it was so smoky.
What else could go wrong?
- Ty-Dy, the actor playing
your boyfriend just called.
He got picked up on all his warrants,
he can't make it here tonight.
- Oh my God, what am I going to do?
All these people came
to see my big opening.
- He's in the next scene.
- Hey, how come your dressing
room's larger than mine?
I'm calling my agent!
- Hey you... shut up!
- I was in a barnyard musical once.
- Oh, that's more than enough experience.
Here, follow me.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Um, just try stalling everybody
and sell some of these.
- Uh... munchies, anyone?
(Hippies chatting)
- We're ready for the second act.
- Good, I hope it's a short one.
- Come in!
(knocking)
- I'm here!
- It's about time!
- Uh, groovy.
- What a great actor.
He really looks stoned.
- That's my daughter up there.
- Oooh, you must be so proud.
- Oh, thank you.
- Are you on antacid again?
- (whispering) That's acid.
- Uh, yeah I am.
Let's lose our inhibitions together.
- What are you doing, that's my boyfriend!
- I'm home early!
(gasp)
Oh my God, what is going on here?
- Mommy, the babysitter
baked the dog in the oven!
- What have you got to
say for yourself, young lady?
- Hey, i'm tripping!
- [Hippy] Thank God it's over.
At least we go some pot.
- Want to go back to my place
and see my etchings?
- Well I haven't heard that line in years.
- I could never thank you enough, Brock.
You really were a lifesaver tonight.
- You're welcome.
You know Ty-Dy, you're really
different than your
friends Lucki and Bodacia.
- Oh well only one of them is my friend,
but how am I different?
- Well you remind me of
those girls from back home.
You're not in such a hurry
to get a guy into bed.
- You know Brock, Lucki
and I have an agreement
that if one of us is already seeing a guy,
that the other one doesn't go after him.
- Well i'm not seeing her right now.
- I was hoping you'd say that.
(romantic music)
(moaning)
- You should have seen
it, it really sucked.
First she fell into the audience
and then she was making out
on stage with my boyfriend.
- Woah, i'm really sorry I missed it now.
- Don't forget I like extra
mustard on my corn dog.
- Okay, i'll be right back.
- Hey guys.
- Hi.
Smile if you had some last night.
- Hey, I bought just one.
I thought we could share it.
- Oh my God, it's worse than I thought.
- What happened here?
- don't even bother asking.
- Today we're going to learn
chapter seven: teamwork.
- Teamwork, yeah right.
- Lucki, shut up!
Now i'm going to assign you
to work in pairs at lifeguard stations
along the shore.
This will be your temporary duty
during which time you will act
like full fledged lifeguards.
- Yes, can we give babes
mouth to mouth if necessary?
- Yes, but you're on your
own if they fight back!
- Cool!
- Now choose your team partners now
or one will be assigned to you.
- That's the easy part.
- Thanks a lot for stealing my boyfriend.
- Since when did he become your boyfriend?
- Since you started chasing him!
- Oh Lucki, grow up!
You can have all the
rotten apples you want.
I just happen to have
taken the last peach.
- Show business sure has changed you.
I thought you were my friend.
(splat)
- Ew!
- So when she fell of the stage,
did she land on anyone?
- Oh who cares!
What a lousy Summer this is turning into.
If Ty-Dy gets Brock and Bodacia gets Dek,
who does that leave me with?
Where am I going to find
a guy to hang out with?
Who do I call when i'm horny?
- Maybe you're just
overlooking the obvious.
- Stop pointing to yourself so much!
You think what she did was right?
- Well think about that guy.
He can't carry on a conversation
unless it's about corn.
She'll tire of him before the week,
hell, before the day is over.
Then you'll have him back.
- I don't want him.
- Then what's the problem?
- I don't want her to have him.
She makes me so mad!
- So are we doing your play again tonight?
- No, it was one performance only.
- Too bad, I was really
getting into character.
Next time i'll remember to
knock before you say come in.
- That would be a good idea.
- Hey, you want to do something later?
- Sure, like what?
- I hear there's this corn husking
contest down at the local
country western bar.
- I don't know, it sounds dull.
- Well how do you know
if you've never tried it?
- Lifeguard, I need CPR!
- Call 911.
(dramatic music)
- [Bambi] Someone help me!
Help! Help! Help! Help!
Help!
Help!
- Oh my God, what do we do now?
- Mouth to mouth, we learned it already.
(coughing)
- What happened?
Where am I?
- It's alright, you're going to be okay.
- You saved my life.
- All in a day's work.
- Wait a minute, you're that guy
that tripped me when I was rollerblading.
I ought to...
- Hey watch it, I just saved your life!
- Then I guess we've even?
- So we can be friends now?
- I guess you didn't get
your credit card bill yet.
- Friends?
- Friends.
(romantic music)
- Um, hi, Lucki.
- I'm busy with the
new shipment of thongs,
what do you want?
- I'm really sorry about last night.
I hope it doesn't come
between us as friends.
I guess I just got all
wrapped up in my show.
- Wrapped up my boyfriend
is more accurate.
- I know, he was your date
and I had no right to go out with him.
- It's very adult of you.
What made you come to your senses?
- About an hour and a half
of hearing about a corn husking festival.
He's all yours.
- I've made other plans.
- What do you think of this one?
- Oh that looks nice.
- I'm helping Dek pick a new swimsuit
for lifeguard duty.
It's just one of the perks of the job.
- So i see.
- Alright, enough peeking!
- Oh Dek, let me help
you with the next one!
Watch the counter, will you?
- Lucki, what are you doing?
- Don't tease me,
i've wanted you since the
first day you came by.
- This is hardly the place.
- Don't worry, i've got
everything taken care of.
- What if somebody walks in on us?
(glass shatters)
- Did you feel that aftershock?
- As you know, this class
comes to an end next week!
There are only enough positions
on the lifeguard staff to
accommodate half of you.
If the decision were up to me,
none of you would be on it!
- What do you mean?
I saved someone's life yesterday.
- Don't interrupt me when i'm speaking!
As I said, the decision is not up to me.
- Well is it up to Dek?
Because if it is then there
should be a slot for me.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Actually, it's not up to me either.
- Oh, too bad.
- Every year we have a
three part competition
to select the next group of lifeguards.
The winners get the job,
the losers get to pursue
other pointless careers
such as mud wrestling or
working in a bikini shop.
- Hey, I work in a bikini shop!
- Yeah, and I used to mud wrestle!
- Then you won't be
disappointed when you lose.
- The first part of the competition
is a fundraiser for charity.
Whichever team brings in the most money
wins that event!
- Hey Bodacia, maybe you could
sell some copies of your calendar.
- Oh God, and give the
proceeds to charity?
You've got to be kidding me.
- The second event is beach conservation.
Each team will determine
a problem that they see
and then they're going
to go about improving it.
- Conservation? I don't get it.
- You know, like if birds
are eating your corn,
you put up a scarecrow.
- Oh, okay, now I understand.
- The final event is the obstacle course.
The two teams compete head to head
against each other to decide the winner.
- The obstacle course is the most
grueling of all the events.
There's a possibility one of your teams
may not reach the finish line.
- That's right, but the
winning team Captain
gets to take home the victory medal.
- Oh my God, that's it!
I can be photographed with that medal
for the cover of my new calendar.
I can see it now.
Twelve Months of Bodacia:
Queen of the Beach!
- Ugh, i'm going to be sick.
- Besides the medal, the
winner will work alongside
me throughout the rest of the Summer.
- I'm feeling better.
- Who wants to be the two team Captains?
- You're wasting your time!
- Shut up, you beach hoe!
- Okay, Lucki and Bodachia.
The competition starts
one week from today,
so choose you team members now!
- We're going to be called Bikini Wax.
Oh and Bodacia, good luck.
- We'll we're going to
be called The Tidal Waves
and we're going to mop
the coastline with your bleached...
- Knock it off you two!
Honestly, if I can't qualify
for job related stress,
then who can?!
- Okay, go for that one, bonehead!
Nice try... not.
(laughs)
- Aren't you worried she's going to win?
You know how good she is at volleyball.
- Yeah, I already bet
5 bucks on their team.
- Thanks for the vote of confidence,
but I have a secret weapon.
Dek's coming by later,
and I have ways of prying
information out of him.
- [Surfer] Gnarly!
- The hell with
sportsmanship and fair play.
I want that medal right
here where it belongs now!
- Could I get another look
where you want that medal?
- Knock it off, you pervert,
and just pay attention.
We have just three events and
we can't afford to lose more than one.
I've already taken the liberty
of deciding on our fundraiser.
- Hey, maybe we could have people
bob for corn on the cob
and charge admission.
- Oh get a clue!
No, we're going to organize
an organic food booth
I'm sure the beach goers
will love health food.
- Hey, you're not going
to make that same food
that you tried to feed me
the other day, are you?
- Yes, much more.
With any luck stupid Ty-Dy is going
to do some performance art.
- Yeah, but what about
the conservation event?
- Oh yeah, so let's see...
we're going to have to think of something
really preachy and self righteous.
That way people can pretend that
they really care about it and give
it a lot of lip service
and do nothing about it.
Oh! Oh, yuck!
Will you look at this!
- What is that?
- Oh God, it's a fish
covered in crude oil.
It's disgusting, it's vile, it's... wait.
It's just what we need.
- It is?
- This could be our conservation event!
Cleaning off sea life from oil spills.
Oh my God, am I a genius or what?
- What?
- I am going to find out
who cleans off this oil
and that medal is as good as mine, ha.
Eww...
- Oh Lucki, please!
Just one encore performance,
Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's On Acid?
It would be the perfect fundraiser.
- A thousand times no!
I want to win this compeition.
Got to come up with something better.
- Can you help me here?
- In a minute.
- I just need a hand.
- In a second!
- That's it!
Hands Across Lucki!
Guys can pay $5 each to put their
hands across my body.
Oh, I can't wait until
they reach The Equator.
- That's disgusting!
- Thanks.
What was it that you needed?
- I was looking for the smallest
legal bathing suit that you have.
I want to get an all over tan
without getting arrested.
- That's it!
The answer to our prayers!
Honey, you can have anything
you want on the house.
- Gee, thanks!
You crazy woman.
- Lucki! What are you doing?
Have you lost your mind?
- She just gave us the idea
we've been looking for!
- What, giving away bikinis for free?
- Trust me on this.
If Crucial comes up with a good
conservation event,
we've got the competition cinched.
- Stop it, Lucki! Stop it!
- Oh please, just one hint.
- I'm not going to tell you
what's on the obstacle course.
- Just one clue.
If there's swimming on the obstacle course
then roll your head around like this.
If there's mouth to mouth
then pat your head with one hand
and your stomach with the other.
- This is ridiculous.
- Oh please!
You don't want Bodacia to win
and work with you.
- Come on, you know I want to see you win,
but the decision is based on
who's the most qualified for the job,
not who gives the best...
- I get the idea.
I just have to win, it's
a personal vendetta.
- What happened to chasing Mr. Cornfed?
- Maybe something better came along.
- Wait a minute, your psycho
roommate's not around, is she?
- Don't worry, she's gone for the night.
The water's fine, let's dive in.
(moaning)
(beach music)
- Open mic, huh.
- Did you hear?
- Quite a turnout this year!
- i'll say.
I've never seen two teams more anxious
to win before either.
- [Volleyball girl] Toss it here!
- Step right up and get
the healthiest food that you've
ever had in your whole life!
It's a taste sensation
and all the proceeds go to charity.
- What's in this?
- Oh it's scrumptious!
It's a seaweed, carob,
and wheat paste shake.
- Uh, doesn't sound very good.
- Oh no no, you couldn't be more wrong.
Look, why don't you try some
and show them what they're missing.
- I'm not thirsty, really.
- Drink it!
- It's delicious, really.
- See? So who's man enough to buy one?
- Oh God, not me.
- Go out there and
pretend you're a customer.
- What?
(laughing)
- You heard me, do it!
- Uh, i'd to try one of those
drinks, young lady!
- See, this weakling here
would like to try my
delicious health drink
and become big and strong
just like you all should, yeah?
So drink it all down.
- Do I get a kiss first?
- No, but you get a belt
in the mouth if you don't.
See? Don't you just
feel healthier already?
(puking)
- I was wondering, do
you drink this stuff?
- I sure do, every day.
- If you look like that,
make mine a double.
- Now we're talking!
Here you go.
(record scratch)
- Attention people!
Step right up to the smallest
legal bathing suit contest!
Bathing suits so small
you won't believe your eyes.
Smaller than you've ever imagined.
It's not for the weak of heart,
so step right up, tickets are going fast!
- Oh man, we cannot miss this!
- [Lucki] Hey, hurry hurry!
- I don't feel so good.
- Yeah, me neither.
- Shut up, can't you see
we lost all our business?
(cheering)
- I think I need to lie down.
- Just do what you want,
but be ready for the
next event, you got that?
I'm going to put a stop to this right now.
- Hey, bring us back some pictures
of the winner!
- So what do you think of our contestants?
(cheering)
- [Lucki] Wooo!
- Merciful heavens!
(beach music)
- [Lucki] Work it, girl!
- Give me the microphone!
(record scratch)
Alright, who's in charge here?
- Uh, I am.
- Well we received an anonymous tip
that there was a smallest
legal bathing suit contest.
Is that true?
- Um, actually it's the
teeny weenie bikini contest,
but I thought I saw a couple over there
doing the lambada, isn't
that the forbidden dance?
- Cut the crap!
Now proceed as you were.
We will arrest anyone
who has a bathing suit
that is smaller than the law allows.
- I hope no one in this audience
is drinking beer.
- Stall them.
- Is there a Seymour Butts here?
Come on everyone, I wanna Seymour Butts!
- Hey hey hey, you!
Yeah, you too.
Give it.
Come on, come on, come on.
Let's go!
Now!
- I just don't understand it.
Who would be so spiteful
to call the cops on us?
I mean what two bit, conniving low life
would want to ruin a
harmless fundraising event
like this one?
- Turn around.
- Bodacia! I smell a rat!
- Go ahead with your little contest.
It'll just be more official this way.
- I'll get you for this!
- All the girls on stage
are wearing bathing suits
from my bikini shop.
Oh, and by the way Officer,
she was sunbathing topless the other day.
Isn't that a parole violation?
- What?!
I never sunbathe topless.
Excuse me?
- You do in my dreams.
- Let's get started.
- Contestant number one, Ginger.
She is wearing the Eager Beaver.
- Oh ho, butt floss.
Disqualified!
Young lady, what would your mother think?
- Awww...
- Oh, sorry about that, Ginger.
Our second contestant is Josie.
Doesn't she look smart in Big Assets?
- Oh ho ho, camel toes.
Disqualified!
Arrest her.
- You too, let's go.
Come on, over here.
- I guess you should have
done your research first.
- Uh, next we have Heidi.
She's modeling our new
suit called Double Vision.
- That is smaller than your bikini wax!
Disqualified!
- Alright.
- Awww...
- Uh, sorry about that girls.
We'll post your bail.
Oh, and next we have...
Uh... what are we going to do now?
(laughing)
- I'd like to be a last minute contestant.
- What?!
- You heard me.
You see, unlike the others
my bathing suit is the
smallest allowed by law.
What do you think, guy?
Never less than a half an inch wide.
Perfectly legal.
Hey, watch it!
- Sorry.
- Yeah, let's hear it
for Bovina the beach hoe!
(cheering)
- [Lucki] What?
- That is Bodacia, and be sure to look for
my calendar our later this Fall.
So am I the winner or what?
- Actually, the winner is determined
by whichever team brought in
the most money for charity.
- Your health food booth earned $6.
The bikini contest earned $240.
The winner of the first round goes to
Lucki's team, Bikini Wax.
- Oh my God!
- What?!
- Congratulations.
- Thank you!
- I want a recount!
- Yeah, well we won
and you're a dumb slut.
- You are really going to get it.
- I can see why you didn't
win in congeniality.
- Woah woah woah.
Come on girls, break it up.
Save your energy for the next event.
- Let's go.
- You wait here, i'll
go get the paddy wagon.
- Isn't there any way out of this?
- I'd do anything not to go to jail!
- Yeah, you tell him, Ginger.
- Come on.
(cat calls)
- I don't feel so hot.
- Me neither.
- Shut up!
- I hope you researched this well.
- No problem!
We'll win it hands down.
- Well are you going to tell us
what you made yet?
- No, I want you to be surprised
like everyone else.
- I don't like the sound of that.
- Beach conservation is
important to all of us.
Every year our water becomes more polluted
and our shores more covered with litter.
Something has to be done
to save our planet, damn it!
- Okay, could you explain
what we have here?
- Certainly.
What we have here, these fish
were pulled out of the ocean
just moments ago hopelessly
covered in crude oil.
We are cleaning them and giving them
a new lease on life.
- With a kitchen brush.
- Mine's a toilet brush.
- It's not their fault that they're
the victims of an oil spill.
They're God's creatures too.
(yelps)
- Ow!
God, get this dumb thing off me!
Get it off!
(click)
- Now I see that as the perfect photo
for the cover of your calendar!
- You go to Hell!
Ow... God!
(laughing)
- Come on, show us what you made.
- Okay, I know you're going to love it.
- Oh my God, what is it?
- It's a colleague of marine life.
See, there's shells, shells here, and...
- Oh my God, you moron!
It's starfish!
You glued it to the
board, it's still alive!
- Yeah, and this thing over
here's still moving too.
(high pitched) Help me!
- Didn't you know it was still alive?
- I thought so when I
was gluing it together
but then I figured I
was just hallucinating.
- We can't show this!
It's cruelty to animals.
If we don't think of something quick
we're going to lose this event.
- Okay, let's see what the
next team has to offer.
- Uh... could we have a minute?
Our exhibit crawled away.
- It did what?!
- Uh, we made this, and, uh...
- Our entry for the
beach conservation event
is this performance art.
- Oh no, anything but that!
- Oh yes, now we've got it won!
I am an oyster opening my shell
for a grain of sand so
that I can make a pearl.
Won't somebody please take my pearl
and make a beautiful necklace.
- Oh God, we're sunk.
- Thank you, that was fine.
- But i'm not done yet!
- Oh yes you are,
and the winner of the second event
is Bodacia's team, Tidal Waves.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
One more to go.
- I thought I told you no performance art!
It's like public access
television without a camera!
- Well I thought I did a really good job
especially considering it
was only a cold reading.
I wonder if there were
any Hollywood agents in the crowd.
- I liked it.
Especially the part where...
- Shut up!
- Okay people, line up by the water.
Our final event, the
obstacle course, is next.
- You two better be ready to swim
like you've never swam before.
- Don't worry Lucki,
we won't let you down.
- Hey, you think I have
time for a quick beer?
- Alright, line up!
- (The new teams)
- This is it, I can taste victory already.
- I think I need to lay down.
- Yeah, I need to get to a hospital.
- Will you two knock it off
you big crybabies?
Hey Ty-Dy, we washed the squid off earlier
and put it back in the ocean just for you!
- You shut up, sea hag!
- Okay okay ladies, listen up.
This is it, this is the obstacle course.
You're going to run to
a marker down the shore,
you're going to swim out
to a point posted in the water
and you're going to return
right back here to the starting point.
The first teammate to return
will win the event and the competition.
- Man, let's do it!
- Just a minute!
You must follow your
lifeguard manuals completely,
or you will result in
immediate disqualification.
- That's true.
This is the final event,
it's the tie breaker,
so wish each other luck.
- Eat my dust!
- Lick my shorts!
- And begin!
(whistle)
(Bickering)
- Oh, I think I need to
have my stomach pumped.
- What's the matter?
- I had a really rancid drink earlier
and I feel like i'm dying.
- You'll be alright.
(puking)
- Come on, let's get into the water.
- I don't think i can make it.
- Go on without us!
- The hell I will!
Come on, let's go, let's get in there now!
- Hey come on you guys, let's go!
- Stop wasting time, they're going to win!
(groaning)
- This is a dilemma.
What's a girl to do?
- Looks like we got a winner.
- Yeah, I knew it would be me.
Just give me my medal,
I have a photo session waiting.
- [Lucki] Stop!
- Wait, here comes the other team.
- [Lucki] Wait!
- What happened here?
- They... they were
passed out in the water.
We couldn't just leave
them there to drown!
- But they're not even on your team.
- We know.
Bodacia just let them there.
- Yeah, Ty-Dy gave me
CPR and saved my life.
- You mean you people actually
learned something?!
- Watch this!
- He just touched me in a place
where i've never been touched before.
- You mean to tell me that you just
left your teammates down there to drown?
- Yeah, what's the problem here?
- You were supposed to follow
some very basic rules,
and you forgot the most important one:
life guarding is not a spectator sport!
You're disqualified!
- What?!
- The winner of today's competition
is Lucki's team, Bikini Wax!
- Oh my God!
You like me, you really like me!
- I've got something for you later.
- Oh man, i've got a date tonight!
- Poor baby, let me
nurse you back to health.
- Yeah, and I got one too.
- You see, Lucki?
I knew you could do it
without any help from me.
- Look at all these fringe benefits.
- I think I need to see a Doctor,
but I got a great idea for a new play.
We could call it The
Scarecrow and the Oyster.
- Oh, that is brilliant!
- Wait a second!
You mean to tell me that everybody here
has got a happy ending,
what about me?!
- You are going to write in the sand
"Lifeguarding is not a spectator sport"
5,000 times!
- Yeah? Make me!
- Thanks to you, i've
been throwing up all day!
- You, you almost got us arrested!
- Our beer got confiscated.
- Let's go beat the hell out of her!
- Uh oh!
(mob yelling)
(laughing)
(outro music)
The earthquake damaged freeways
are now repaired and
open ahead of schedule
thanks to a million dollar cash incentive
skimmed from taxpayer dollars.
Mudslides have finally been cleared
from the Pacific coast highway,
but motorists are warned to
watch for that occasional
leather couch in the fast lane.
This just in: at the beach,
it's another beautiful day.
(laser sound)
("Don't Rescue Me From Falling in Love"
(by Tane McClure plays)
(girls chattering)
(waves crashing)
- Enrollment is limited
to six each Summer.
Please list...
- Oop, sorry.
- No shoving!
Please list any previous
lifeguard experience you may
have had in the past if any.
- Out of the way! Incoming!
- Oh Ty-Dy, this is going
to be the best Summer ever!
I know we're going to
be better friends too.
- Okay maggots, line up!
My name is Ms. Woodrow
and i'm going to be your instructor.
Now lifesaving is a serious profession.
I would like to hear from each of you
on why you chose to enroll in this class.
You first!
- Uh, hi, my name's Lucki
and i'm a native Californian.
I thought this would be
a good way to meet guys.
- Cool.
- This is a lifeguard school!
Please tell me you're in the wrong place.
- Uh, no.
- Before this gets out of hand
let me remind you that
this not a dating service!
The beach is hardly a
place for fun and romance.
Ask my ex-husband.
- Hi, i'm Ty-Dy, i'm an apiring actress.
I thought that being a lifeguard
would be a good part
time job between gigs.
- Surprise me.
- Uh, my name's Crucial.
I spend every Summer at the beach,
so I figure I might as
well get paid for it.
- You people are pathetic!
Would anyone like to know
why I became a lifeguard?
- Uh, no, not really.
(car honks)
(tires screech)
- What the...
- [Crucial] What's that?
Wow, beauty! Yeah.
- Hope i'm not late.
I had car trouble again.
- Maybe I can help you with it.
- Don't bother.
You wouldn't have a tool
large enough for the job.
- We took the last two applications.
- Enrollment is limited.
- Oh really?
Well I drove all the way out here
so who's going to give
up their spot for me?
- Wait a minute, I took
an extra one by mistake, you can have it.
- Thanks.
- We were just introducing ourselves.
- I'm Bodacia, and i'm
from Silicon Valley.
- Figures.
- I'm a three time beauty pageant queen
and I won all events except congeniality.
I'm a model, you might recognize me
as Ms. (Quickie Loo)
- Was that you?
I didn't recognize you
with your clothes on.
I love your work!
- I hate to bring this up,
but you don't seem much
like the lifeguard type.
- You got me, i'm doing
it for community service.
I just did this little calendar
with the school's mascot, the mule?
How was I supposed to know that take
was going to be called
obscene in 27 states.
- That was very nice, thank you.
Next!
- I'm Derek.
I heard CPR's a good way to meet girls.
Is it true they're eternally
grateful if you save their lives?
- I wouldn't be.
- Hi, my name is Brock
and i'm from Iowa.
- I wonder how he is at plowing.
What I really want to do
is work near the ocean.
By the way, what's (mumbling)?
- It's the ocean, and
you if you want a tour
of the city, just let me know.
- I'd like to see some of the sights.
- Take a picture, it'll last longer.
- Oh Brock!
- He's taken, sorry.
- That's enough for today.
Meet back here at 8 a.m. tomorrow.
- Our best Summer ever, huh?
- Could you hand me that?
Ty-Dy, i'm talking to you!
- Listen to this.
Actress wanted, no experience necessary.
Must like all kinds of people,
nudity required and no inhibitions a must.
Shoots for two days in Simi Valley.
- You auditioned for them last month,
it's a porno movie.
- Oh.
- Could you help me with a bathing suit?
- Sure, what style are you looking for?
- One that leaves nothing
to the imagination.
I want to get as much sun as possible.
- I hear you loud and clear.
How about Northern Exposure?
If there were any less
fabric, you'd be nude.
- It is tempting,
but i'd really like something that
lifts my cheeks and separates them.
- Then i'd recommend... the Butt Jammer.
Skimpy in back, with lots of lift,
but ever so provocative to the eye.
- It looks like two teeth being flossed.
- I never thought of it that way,
but it is one of our best sellers.
- You don't say.
Well I have sacrificed
comfort for style before.
Let me try it on.
(sexy music)
- Hey girls.
- Hi?
- Derek. Lifeguard School.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- You said you were interested
in meeting some new guys.
Well here I am!
- You must have misunderstood.
We were talking about men, not boys.
- Oh... oh, I see.
- Could you help me tie this in the back?
- Certainly.
(giggling)
What do you think?
Should I hike it up more?
(gasping)
I'll take it!
- Good choice.
That'll be 23 even.
- Thanks.
- Don't forget extra sunblock.
- I think I just saw the face of an angel.
- Come again.
- Check it out.
- Like, hi.
- Hello, young ladies.
I want to introduce myself, i'm Dek.
Head lifeguard.
You ladies ever have any problems
just call the lifeguard tower
and i'll be right over.
- Actually, I do have a problem.
I don't have a date tonight.
- Lucki!
- Well he asked.
- I'm flattered.
But I think that might be
out of my jurisdiction.
- Well think about it,
I live on PCH.
You could maybe stop by after work.
- I do work late.
- Yeah, yeah, and we have
to get up early tomorrow.
We're studying to be lifeguards.
- What a coincidence.
I monitor that school.
I'm sure we'll be seeing
a lot of each other this Summer.
- I'm counting on it.
I live on the corner
of PCH and Heat Stroke.
I get off at five.
- Okay, i'll think about it.
- Bye.
(moaning)
- Oh my God, this one is perfect for me!
- What is?
- Oh, you'll just try and discourage me.
It's an open casting
call, i'd better hurry.
I'll see you later tonight.
- Take your time.
Don't hurry back, I may be sitting on Dek.
- That bum!
He'd better show up if he
knows what's good for him.
- Hi, Dek.
I had almost given up on you.
- I wasn't sure if I should come or not.
- I made you a drink, I hope you like it.
- What is this stuff?
- It's my own special blend.
It's tequila, rum, and passion fruit.
It's 150 proof.
- You could strip the
paint off a car with this.
- It's also good at removing inhibitions.
Let's take these clothes
off and go for a dip.
- I think skinny dipping
is a little too much
for our first meeting.
- You pervert, I didn't say
skinny dipping, we just met.
Maybe after one more drink.
Ready to take that big plunge?
- Freeze!
- What the...
- I got a call back in this movie,
Pistol Packing Cheerleader.
It's a docu-drama taken straight
from today's headlines.
- Can't you see I have company?
- It's alright, I think I should be going.
- You just got here!
- I know.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
- Look what you did!
I was about to ride the big tsunami.
- Sure you were.
I need peace and quiet to rehearse.
- Then, in the big finale,
she blows away the entire Yell Squad
vigilante style!
- I'd pay to see something like that.
- Quiet, people!
Now line up!
Today is your first
chance to hit the ocean
and get a feel for it.
- I can't go in the water,
I just put suntan lotion on!
- Get in there!
(groaning)
- It's cold!
- It's wet!
- Just rub some on your
body and you'll be fine.
- Hey, can I help you with that, Bodacia?
- Get away from me!
- Hey Brock, want to
join the mile deep club?
- Now there's a 50 yard
marker out in the water.
I want you to swim out to it, then return.
Anyone who takes longer than one minute
will have to enroll in my
remedial breaststroke class.
Ready, and begin!
(beach music)
(dramatic music)
(beach music)
Very good, you all made it in on time.
- Hey, where's Ty-Dy?
(screaming)
- Help!
( dramatic music)
(screaming)
(gasping)
Oh my God!
Help!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, i'll be fine.
- Class, i'm appalled!
Someone almost drowns
right in front of you
and only two people try and rescue her?
- We're sorry.
- You're darn right you're a sorry group.
- Oh please, i've wrestled
larger toys in the bath tub.
The fact that it took you three losers
to subdue one squid speaks for itself.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Stop it, you two!
Now I want the rest of you to each
write in the sand 50 times:
life guarding is not a spectator sport!
Get to it!
- You better be more careful,
you almost bought the farm.
- Yeah, thanks guys.
- Good work, you two.
You stood tall in the face of duty.
- How do you spell spectator?
- Hey Lucki.
- What is it?
- Listen, I finally got to find out
what kind of person you are today
and you know what?
I hate teacher's pets.
- Get lost!
You're just jealous because i'm
the better swimmer than you.
- Sure you are.
You're not better than me in anything.
I challenge you to a competition.
You choose the sport.
- Fine, how about volleyball?
(laughs) You're on.
- [Crucial] Come on.
- Whenever you're ready.
My serve.
Game point.
- Oooh.
- Remember what I said.
You're not better than me at anything.
- Close game.
- (unison) One, two,
(Let them hall in you)
Three, four, cause (mumbling).
- Okay everyone, quiet.
I'm here.
Now listen carefully
because i'm not going to say it twice.
This is a cheerleader with a vengeance.
I want to see and I want
to feel teenage angst.
First, is Dawn Weatherbee.
- Alright, you dumb jock,
i'm not the kind of girl who
puts out on the first date.
I'm going to teach you a lesson.
(gunshot)
(gasp)
(shrieking)
I brought a real gun.
Helps me get into character.
You want me to do the scene where I
take out the rival cheerleading team?
- No!
- No, no.
- Uh, no.
We'll call if we need you.
Next...
- Is Ty-Dy Decotti.
- Hello.
- Whenever you're ready.
I'm waiting.
Bring it alive for me.
- I'm sorry.
(boat engine)
Oh Lucki, what am I going to do?
I just completely froze.
What if i'm not cut out to be an actress?
This was going to be my biggest part
since I played basketball in high heels.
- This month's issue of Saucy Magazine
has an article on the exact same thing.
It says when you fall off the horse
you got to get right back on!
- Has that worked for you?
- I always did like putting
my feet in the stirrups.
- But what if i'm not cut out
to be a lifeguard either?
- Oh please, not another flashback!
- I'm sorry.
- Don't worry, watch,
next time you get in the water
it'll be like nothing ever happened.
- I hope so.
(beach music)
- Woah.
- Look, there she is.
A special kind of girl,
one who's never heard the expression
"I want you for your mind."
- Wow, I hear ya.
Woah.
Woah, dude.
- Would you do her?
- Would I do her?
The question is would I stop.
- We need to advantage of
these California babes.
One hand washes the other.
- Yeah!
Take this.
- Hey, I saw her first!
- Excuse me, Miss.
I'm from out of town and i'm lost.
- Oh, where you from?
- Venice, er, I mean Venezuela.
- Oh, Buenos Nachos!
This is such a coincidence.
I'm studying first year
Spanish at Sea Sun.
You could really help me with
my conversational skills.
- I could?
- Yeah! Okay, imagine you're a waiter
and i'm your customer.
Now ask me for my order.
- Your burrito's ready.
- No, in Espanol.
- I think I hear my mom calling me.
Dude, I should have thought
this out more carefully.
- Man, watch a master at work.
You're still on level one.
I'm ready for the next plateau.
- Oooh!
Oh, i'm sorry.
- Oh no, it was my fault.
I should be watching where i'm going.
- I'm just glad you're
not hurt or anything.
- No, not at all.
In fact, I feel an obligation
to make it up to you.
How's dinner sound?
- That's very sweet,
but you don't have to.
- No no, I insist.
How about my place around midnight?
Clothing is optional.
- You pig!
You tripped me on purpose!
There's what I think of dinner.
- Good one, dude.
- Well it doesn't work every time.
(laughing)
- I hope you like your lunch, Brock.
It's 100% organic.
- Hey, is there any corn?
I gre up eating corn.
Every Thanksgiving we'd have
corn with corn bread,
corn stuffing, corn syrup.
- Sounds yummy.
- Hey, guess what we did for Halloween.
- You bobbed for corn on the cob?
- No, but that sounds like fun!
What I did is I took the
clothes off the scarecrow
and went trick or treating in them.
- Hey, why don't you take
a bite of this sandwich.
You're much more attractive
when you're not talking.
- Oh, what is it?
- It's my specialty.
It's liver flavored tofu,
soy bean cheese and sprouts
in cauliflower dressing.
Delish, huh?
- Yeah, but i'm really
not too hungry right now.
- I'm not hungry either.
At least not for food.
- Bodacia, what are you doing?
- Kiss me, Brock!
Make me see fireworks
like it's the 4th of July!
Oooh!
(bonk)
(growls)
Alright, who the hell does this belong to?
- Oh, hi.
You found our ball.
- You better take it back
before I stick it where
the sun don't shine.
- Like, hi, Brock.
- Hello.
- You got your ball, now
get the hell out of here!
- Come on Lucki, let's
go get some corn dogs.
- Corn dogs?!
Where?
(screaming)
- Maybe i'll show you how
I take a whole corn dog
in my mouth at once.
- Really? I can do the same thing!
- Lucki.
- Oh, like hi, Dek.
This is my friend Brock
from lifeguard school.
- Hey come on Lucki,
you promised to show me how you can
take the whole thing
in your mouth at once.
- This isn't what it looks like.
- Don't worry, you don't
owe me an explanation.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
I was looking for you.
I wanted to apologize for leaving early
the other night, but I
guess you've moved on.
- I can't wait to see
how she handles this one.
She hates possessive men.
- Honestly, I was just
having lunch with my friends.
If you want to find me
later, you know where I am.
- You could dip just about anything
in corn and get me to eat it.
Really! You going to eat that?
- Help yourself.
- I like all kinds of
corn except cream corn.
Something about mixing it with milk
really ruins it for me.
- Yeah, i'll remember that
if I ever fix dinner for you.
- How it hanging, Ty-Dy?
- Huh?
Oh, i'm fine.
- I was wondering, Lucki seems to have
her share of boyfriends.
Are you seeing anyone?
- No.
I'm saving myself for my true love.
I'm a thespian.
- Oooh. I get it, so you
and Lucki are more than friends.
- Yeah... oh no, not that.
I mean i'm an actress!
My true love is the theater.
- Oooh, you lost me there for a minute.
Is there anyone special in your life?
- No, but someday i'll meet Mr. Right.
I picture him as a
Hollywood Director/Producer.
Out on the town every night,
movie premieres, substance abuse clinics.
What a life!
- So you don't think there's
a possibility for a guy like me?
- Well, you do remind me
of the cartoon brother I never had.
- You can really give a guy a complex.
- I'm calling my Parole Officer
and giving him a piece of my mind
of what I think about this
beach community service!
Maybe I can still clean up
manure at the race track.
Yeah...
Oh God, would you just...
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no, it was my fault, really.
Maybe you're just what i'm looking for.
- Oh yeah? How's that?
- You've had lunch yet?
- No, it was a little crowded.
- Oh, well why don't you share mine?
I have plenty.
I hope you like... health food.
(laughing)
(giggling)
(off screen growling)
- Ty-Dy, I have a problem.
- Oh Lucki, sometimes
you are so easy to read.
You can't decide between
Brock or Dek, right?
- No, actually I was wondering
which bathing suit brought
the highlights out in my hair.
- Oh, sorry.
- Well now that you mention it,
I do have a problem.
Two guys, and you know which one I want?
- The sensitive one.
The one that'll remember your birthday
and bring you flowers
and send you special little notes.
- No! Get out of here!
I want the one Bodacia wants.
Let her have sloppy seconds.
- Well which one does she want?
- I don't know, she's just too fickle.
It's like when we were in school,
if there were five slices of
apple pie in the cafeteria
and only one slice of peach,
you'd take the peach, right?
- You lost me, I was
never very good at math.
Which one does she want?
- It's not important.
Watch out, tomorrow it's
every man for himself.
- You're late again, Bodacia!
- It was worth it.
I got my parole reduced by a month.
- Tie this in back for me, would you?
- [Crucible] Yeah!
Hey, don't bogart those
bikini straps, dude!
- Alright, pay attention!
When I call out your name,
I want each of you to recite
a lesson in beach safety.
God help you if you
can't come up with one!
Lucki, you go first.
- Uh, don't go in the
water right after you eat.
- Good.
You next, Crucial.
- Uh, when you're
swimming and you're tired,
try it doggie style.
- That's the dog paddle.
- I would have had a better one
if you asked me first.
- Bodacia.
- Don't go in the water
when it's... squid season.
- That's right, or shark season as well.
Your turn, Ty-Dy.
- If you find yourself sinking,
grab onto something that floats.
Like silicone.
- Good one.
Go ahead, Derek.
- Um, don't roughhouse in the water.
- That's right, and no roughhousing
on the sand either.
- Brock?
- Don't pull a cow's tail
while you're milking it.
- I was talking about beach safety.
Never mind.
I'd like to see some jumping jacks.
Ready? Begin!
(ragtime music)
- Excuse me, Woody.
- I asked you not to call me that.
- I need to see one of your students.
- They're busy right now,
can you come back later?
- This is it.
- This'll only take a minute.
- Out of my way, you bag of bones!
- It's me he wants, you two bit slut.
- Alright, make it quick.
- Dek, what is it that you want?
- She's confused, it's me that you want.
- He wants me, you piece of trash!
- Talk to your mother with that mouth?
- Actually, I came here to see Derek.
Someone turned your wallet
in the lost and found.
- Oh, thanks!
I didn't realize it was missing.
- A girl picked it up when she
ran into you rollerblading.
Said she had dinner on your credit card
since you offered, and
she left her phone number.
- Oh, she left me her number?
- No, she actually left it for me,
but it's against policy
for me to go out with her.
Too bad though.
- Oh. Thanks for my wallet.
- Hey, i'm just doing my job.
- Dek, don't you have something to
say to me while you're here?
- Yeah, me too.
- Uh... no, not really.
- See, you scared him away
for being so desperate.
- Oh shut up already!
- Alright, line up, it's time to
get your lifeguard manuals.
Elevens chapters, everything from
CPR to the proper handling
of nude sunbathers.
This book is your bible.
Learn it and learn it well!
- Hey Bodacia, now that
I got my wallet back
do you want to go to dinner with me?
- When Hell freezes over.
- Come on, at least let us cup a feel.
- Tell you what, if I get you guys a date
with one of the girls in the class
will you just leave me alone?
- But all the other girls
seem to have more scruples than you do.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're the one who appeared
nude in that calendar last year.
- If you knew how many times
I held that up with one hand.
- Oh God, you're going to make me puke.
Just work with me here, alright?
Ty-Dy, you got a minute?
- Oh wait, i'm trying to find the chapter
one when squid season is over.
- Listen, I have this idea.
Why don't we all get
together for a study session
to keep the tension off.
- I don't know.
- Yeah, we could have a cram session!
- Yeah, Bodacia's good with that!
Look how far her bathing suit's
crammed up her butt.
- Hey, what are you guys talking about?
- We're going to have a
study session tonight.
You want to come?
- Yeah!
Hey, maybe somebody can explain
those big words to me.
- Count me in!
- Great, thanks for
letting us use your place.
- Uh, wait a minute!
- See you there!
- Lucki, where are you going
to get money for a party?
- I don't know!
Wait a minute, we could make it a luau,
and I could get decorations
from the bikini shop!
- Yeah, and i'll get the leftover food
from my brother's graduation.
- Perfect!
(party music)
- Lucki, this food isn't thawed yet.
It's completely frozen.
- Who cares?
I hope everybody brings something.
- Hey look, I brought some corn.
- Thanks.
Anyway, keep your eye on Bodacia.
I don't want anything stolen.
- Woah.
- Remember what I told you,
you ask a lot of stupid questions
and you try to look interested.
- Okay.
Are those real?
- Not me, you ask them the questions!
Go on.
- Lucki, where's the corn I brought?
- Oh, it was just so
good we couldn't resist.
- Hi, Brock.
- Hello.
- I was hoping to see you here.
- Hey guys, come on, let's
get the party started.
- Uh, Ty-Dy, I was wondering,
what was your first acting job?
- That is so nice of you to ask!
Well you're not going to believe this,
but I was in the original Woodstock.
- Really? Aren't you a
little young for that?
- Not really.
I was born there.
It's my first screen credit.
You can see it in the Director's Cut.
- Wow.
- Uh, I was on a television show once.
- Huh?
No way!
- It was Cops.
I ran from this police car,
but all you saw was my backside.
- Um, so Ty-Dy, what's the most
recent part you've auditioned for?
- Well I just read for a part
in Pretty Hooker: The Sequel.
- Really? I love that
charming Cinderella story!
- Yeah, could you do a scene for us?
- Oh God, no!
- I sure could.
I've been turning tricks on this corner
for half of my life.
The motel down the street gives me
a discount rate for the guys that have
more than ten dollars to spend.
I just wish my Prince Charming
would come along!
- Thanks for sharing.
I thought that we got together
to study our lifeguard manuals.
- Good idea because i've only
looked at the pages that
have pictures on them.
- I got a better idea.
How about a... limbo party?
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Let's do it.
- See if you guys can do better than this.
- (unison) How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
How low can she go?
- Okay guys, when I tell you,
you'll lower the bar and you'll get some!
- Woah!
- What?!
Did I tell you do thatl, you idiots?
Did I tell you to do that? Huh?!
- You said that if we got their tops off
we'd get some action!
- Is that what this is all about?
Get the hell out!
- [Crucial] Dude...
- You still angry about
what happened last night?
- Only with Bodacia.
- Yeah, i'm going to shove
her overly made up face deep in the sand.
- Then i'm going to put my foot
where her bikini wax stops.
- Hey, have you forgiven me yet?
- Get lost, Bozo!
- Coming through.
- What the hell's all this?
- Hey watch it, don't get in my light.
I'm shooting my new calendar today.
- Twelve Months of Halloween, yeah right.
- Drop dead, you're just jealous because
it's not your scawny little
body being photographed.
(giggling)
- Look at that vulgar display.
(playful humming)
- Wow...
- Ooooh...
- Oh who cares?
No one in their right mind
would buy that calendar anyway.
- I wonder when it goes on sale?
- Yeah, i'm going to
get me an advanced copy.
- That slut, she'll get hers.
- Man.
Woah.
- Mwah!
- Listen to this.
I've decided to write a play for myself.
I'm going to play (Sandos),
the hippy babysitter.
- That's so five minutes ago.
What do you know about the sixties?
- That's the idea, it's retro.
- Oh, hold that thought.
I see a customer.
Can I help you with that?
- Yeah, where's the dressing room?
- Over there.
- Lucki, I didn't know this was
the seedy little bikini
shop you worked in.
- Bodacia, what the hell do you want?
- I'm looking for a new
bikini for my calendar.
I'd like to see something
cheap and really slutty.
- Yeah, well the mirror's over there.
- You think you're
really funny, don't you?
Well never mind, i'll find one myself.
- Hey Ty-Dy, get a load of this.
The owner of the bikini
shop is in the back.
He's looking for a
spokes model for his new
Summer line of swimwear.
- Oh, hey, what a great opportunity.
- I wonder who the lucky girl will be?
- Just trying something on.
(giggling)
- Hey!
- I understand you're looking
for a new spokes model.
- Actually, I was just...
- Don't speak, just take a look at these!
- I really think you're
making some sort of mistake here.
- No wait, no wait,
there's more, there's more.
Take a look at this.
- Hey Bodacia, are you okay in there?
- Everything's just fine.
So what do you think?
Do I get the job or what?
- You're insane.
What job?
- You are the owner of
this bikini shop, right?
- What are you talking about?
I'm just trying on this bathing suit!
- Oh my God!
Oh my... God!
I thought you said that the owner
of the shop was in the back!
- You must have misunderstood,
he's in the back parking his limo.
Are you going to buy that suit or what?
- No! I wouldn't be caught dead
in anything from this store!
(laughs)
- I'll take it.
- Now pay attention!
I hope you've all been
reading your manuals.
Today we're going to be
learning chapter 5: CPR.
- Yes!
Giving babes mouth to mouth!
- Oh God, i'd rather be a hooker
at a Star Trek Convention.
- Any volunteers?
- Huh?
- Brock, you come up here!
- This isn't going to hurt, now is it?
- Only if we're lucky.
Now lay down to simulate
a possible drowning.
Who wants to come and revive him?
- Oh, me!
- Out of my way, sea hag!
- Lucki, you try.
We can all learn from your mistakes.
- Ha ha, Bodacia!
What do I do?
- You check for any signs of blockage.
- Watch out, she's going to
try and steal your wallet.
- Not in his shorts!
Check his throat.
- Oh, sorry.
I smell corn.
- I just had lunch.
- [Lucki] Does anyone
have like a breath mint?
- Must I do everything myself?
Stand back and let a professional
show you how it's done!
First you block the nasal passage.
This gives you a direct
route of breathing.
- Stop shoving!
- Shut up already!
- Girls! Pay attention for once!
Now does anyone know what is next?
- You ask them if they
have medical insurance.
- No!
Then you take a deep breath
and prepare to blow it into his lungs.
Now watch and learn!
- Wow, it really works!
- Any questions?
- Where am I?
- [Woodrow] Class dismissed!
- Oh, hey everybody, my
new play opens tonight!
Called Don't Tell Mom
The Babysitter's On Acid.
I hope you all can make it!
You'll be able to come,
won't you Ms. Woodrow?
- Yeah, right.
- [Hippy] What's going on?
(Hippy chatter)
- [Hippy] Hey guys, come on now.
- Woah, thanks for bringing me.
I've never been to live theater before.
Except our barnyard musicals.
Hey, ask what character I play.
- Uh, a scarecrow?
- You're right!
Hey, watch this.
Mr. Rooster, what do you
have to crow about today?
(bawking)
- Okay, that's plenty, thanks.
I wonder where Ty-Dy is.
- Hey guys!
I'm so glad you could make it.
- Who are all these
people in the audience?
- Oh, I called all these
important magazines
like The Reporter so they
could review my show.
That's how you get to Broadway.
- Hi, i'm here from the
Marijuana Growers Weekly.
- [Ty-Dy] Thanks for coming.
- I guess you got the right audience.
- Oh, I am so nervous.
I hope everybody likes it.
- Hi, Ty-Dy!
- Hi, Mom!
- Ooooh, i'm so excited for you!
I'm just sorry your brother
Butterfly couldn't be here.
- Aw, that's okay.
- Yeah.
- Mom, I want you to meet my friends.
This is Lucki and Brock.
- Nice to meet you.
- Do you like my costume?
- Oh it's perfect!
Did you know that your babysitter
actually dropped acid once while
she was taking care of you?
- No way!
[Ty-Dy] That is too radical!
- [Mom] It's true!
I like to think it's one reason
why you grew up the way you did.
- Wow, that puts a whole new
light on my character.
- Well i'll see you inside.
Break a leg!
- Thanks.
(audience chatter)
- Good luck, Ty-Dy, you'll need it.
(rock music)
(coughing)
- Wait a minute, i'm not ready!
What's my motivation?
- Not to upstage me!
- Alright Lisa, now you behave yourself
when the new babysitter gets here.
- I'm old enough to not
to need a babysitter.
- Just shut up and don't
embarrass me in front of her!
- Like, hi.
I'm Sandos, your babysitter.
- [Hippy] Wow, what's going on, man?
- You're late.
Now let's go over a few rules.
- No problem.
You got any munchies?
- I'm sure we do.
Now no boys over here tonight,
no loud music and no destructive games.
- Got it, man!
- I'm going to be home at midnight.
You be a good little girl.
- Bye, mommy.
- Peace!
- [Hippy] What happened to the light?
Dude, i've got a gnarly headache.
- What's supposed to be happening?
- I think it symbolizes a bad trip.
- Shhh!
- Alright man!
Are you ready to play some games?
- I want to hear a scary story!
Like the one about the
babysitter and the maniac
who keeps calling her
from inside the house.
- (whispering) Stop ab-libbing.
No, we're going to be butterflies.
Okay, first we're caterpillars.
Now we're spinning our cocoons
and we're becoming beautiful butterflies.
Now we're ready to break
out of our cocoons and fly.
- I don't feel like i'm flying.
- Funny, I do.
- Oh poor Ty-Dy, this really bites.
- [Hippy] Someone help her up, dude!
What was that all about?
- Uh, there will be a
five minute intermission.
- [Hippy] Do that again.
- Are you okay?
- Uh yeah, I just couldn't see
the edge of the stage, it was so smoky.
What else could go wrong?
- Ty-Dy, the actor playing
your boyfriend just called.
He got picked up on all his warrants,
he can't make it here tonight.
- Oh my God, what am I going to do?
All these people came
to see my big opening.
- He's in the next scene.
- Hey, how come your dressing
room's larger than mine?
I'm calling my agent!
- Hey you... shut up!
- I was in a barnyard musical once.
- Oh, that's more than enough experience.
Here, follow me.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Um, just try stalling everybody
and sell some of these.
- Uh... munchies, anyone?
(Hippies chatting)
- We're ready for the second act.
- Good, I hope it's a short one.
- Come in!
(knocking)
- I'm here!
- It's about time!
- Uh, groovy.
- What a great actor.
He really looks stoned.
- That's my daughter up there.
- Oooh, you must be so proud.
- Oh, thank you.
- Are you on antacid again?
- (whispering) That's acid.
- Uh, yeah I am.
Let's lose our inhibitions together.
- What are you doing, that's my boyfriend!
- I'm home early!
(gasp)
Oh my God, what is going on here?
- Mommy, the babysitter
baked the dog in the oven!
- What have you got to
say for yourself, young lady?
- Hey, i'm tripping!
- [Hippy] Thank God it's over.
At least we go some pot.
- Want to go back to my place
and see my etchings?
- Well I haven't heard that line in years.
- I could never thank you enough, Brock.
You really were a lifesaver tonight.
- You're welcome.
You know Ty-Dy, you're really
different than your
friends Lucki and Bodacia.
- Oh well only one of them is my friend,
but how am I different?
- Well you remind me of
those girls from back home.
You're not in such a hurry
to get a guy into bed.
- You know Brock, Lucki
and I have an agreement
that if one of us is already seeing a guy,
that the other one doesn't go after him.
- Well i'm not seeing her right now.
- I was hoping you'd say that.
(romantic music)
(moaning)
- You should have seen
it, it really sucked.
First she fell into the audience
and then she was making out
on stage with my boyfriend.
- Woah, i'm really sorry I missed it now.
- Don't forget I like extra
mustard on my corn dog.
- Okay, i'll be right back.
- Hey guys.
- Hi.
Smile if you had some last night.
- Hey, I bought just one.
I thought we could share it.
- Oh my God, it's worse than I thought.
- What happened here?
- don't even bother asking.
- Today we're going to learn
chapter seven: teamwork.
- Teamwork, yeah right.
- Lucki, shut up!
Now i'm going to assign you
to work in pairs at lifeguard stations
along the shore.
This will be your temporary duty
during which time you will act
like full fledged lifeguards.
- Yes, can we give babes
mouth to mouth if necessary?
- Yes, but you're on your
own if they fight back!
- Cool!
- Now choose your team partners now
or one will be assigned to you.
- That's the easy part.
- Thanks a lot for stealing my boyfriend.
- Since when did he become your boyfriend?
- Since you started chasing him!
- Oh Lucki, grow up!
You can have all the
rotten apples you want.
I just happen to have
taken the last peach.
- Show business sure has changed you.
I thought you were my friend.
(splat)
- Ew!
- So when she fell of the stage,
did she land on anyone?
- Oh who cares!
What a lousy Summer this is turning into.
If Ty-Dy gets Brock and Bodacia gets Dek,
who does that leave me with?
Where am I going to find
a guy to hang out with?
Who do I call when i'm horny?
- Maybe you're just
overlooking the obvious.
- Stop pointing to yourself so much!
You think what she did was right?
- Well think about that guy.
He can't carry on a conversation
unless it's about corn.
She'll tire of him before the week,
hell, before the day is over.
Then you'll have him back.
- I don't want him.
- Then what's the problem?
- I don't want her to have him.
She makes me so mad!
- So are we doing your play again tonight?
- No, it was one performance only.
- Too bad, I was really
getting into character.
Next time i'll remember to
knock before you say come in.
- That would be a good idea.
- Hey, you want to do something later?
- Sure, like what?
- I hear there's this corn husking
contest down at the local
country western bar.
- I don't know, it sounds dull.
- Well how do you know
if you've never tried it?
- Lifeguard, I need CPR!
- Call 911.
(dramatic music)
- [Bambi] Someone help me!
Help! Help! Help! Help!
Help!
Help!
- Oh my God, what do we do now?
- Mouth to mouth, we learned it already.
(coughing)
- What happened?
Where am I?
- It's alright, you're going to be okay.
- You saved my life.
- All in a day's work.
- Wait a minute, you're that guy
that tripped me when I was rollerblading.
I ought to...
- Hey watch it, I just saved your life!
- Then I guess we've even?
- So we can be friends now?
- I guess you didn't get
your credit card bill yet.
- Friends?
- Friends.
(romantic music)
- Um, hi, Lucki.
- I'm busy with the
new shipment of thongs,
what do you want?
- I'm really sorry about last night.
I hope it doesn't come
between us as friends.
I guess I just got all
wrapped up in my show.
- Wrapped up my boyfriend
is more accurate.
- I know, he was your date
and I had no right to go out with him.
- It's very adult of you.
What made you come to your senses?
- About an hour and a half
of hearing about a corn husking festival.
He's all yours.
- I've made other plans.
- What do you think of this one?
- Oh that looks nice.
- I'm helping Dek pick a new swimsuit
for lifeguard duty.
It's just one of the perks of the job.
- So i see.
- Alright, enough peeking!
- Oh Dek, let me help
you with the next one!
Watch the counter, will you?
- Lucki, what are you doing?
- Don't tease me,
i've wanted you since the
first day you came by.
- This is hardly the place.
- Don't worry, i've got
everything taken care of.
- What if somebody walks in on us?
(glass shatters)
- Did you feel that aftershock?
- As you know, this class
comes to an end next week!
There are only enough positions
on the lifeguard staff to
accommodate half of you.
If the decision were up to me,
none of you would be on it!
- What do you mean?
I saved someone's life yesterday.
- Don't interrupt me when i'm speaking!
As I said, the decision is not up to me.
- Well is it up to Dek?
Because if it is then there
should be a slot for me.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Actually, it's not up to me either.
- Oh, too bad.
- Every year we have a
three part competition
to select the next group of lifeguards.
The winners get the job,
the losers get to pursue
other pointless careers
such as mud wrestling or
working in a bikini shop.
- Hey, I work in a bikini shop!
- Yeah, and I used to mud wrestle!
- Then you won't be
disappointed when you lose.
- The first part of the competition
is a fundraiser for charity.
Whichever team brings in the most money
wins that event!
- Hey Bodacia, maybe you could
sell some copies of your calendar.
- Oh God, and give the
proceeds to charity?
You've got to be kidding me.
- The second event is beach conservation.
Each team will determine
a problem that they see
and then they're going
to go about improving it.
- Conservation? I don't get it.
- You know, like if birds
are eating your corn,
you put up a scarecrow.
- Oh, okay, now I understand.
- The final event is the obstacle course.
The two teams compete head to head
against each other to decide the winner.
- The obstacle course is the most
grueling of all the events.
There's a possibility one of your teams
may not reach the finish line.
- That's right, but the
winning team Captain
gets to take home the victory medal.
- Oh my God, that's it!
I can be photographed with that medal
for the cover of my new calendar.
I can see it now.
Twelve Months of Bodacia:
Queen of the Beach!
- Ugh, i'm going to be sick.
- Besides the medal, the
winner will work alongside
me throughout the rest of the Summer.
- I'm feeling better.
- Who wants to be the two team Captains?
- You're wasting your time!
- Shut up, you beach hoe!
- Okay, Lucki and Bodachia.
The competition starts
one week from today,
so choose you team members now!
- We're going to be called Bikini Wax.
Oh and Bodacia, good luck.
- We'll we're going to
be called The Tidal Waves
and we're going to mop
the coastline with your bleached...
- Knock it off you two!
Honestly, if I can't qualify
for job related stress,
then who can?!
- Okay, go for that one, bonehead!
Nice try... not.
(laughs)
- Aren't you worried she's going to win?
You know how good she is at volleyball.
- Yeah, I already bet
5 bucks on their team.
- Thanks for the vote of confidence,
but I have a secret weapon.
Dek's coming by later,
and I have ways of prying
information out of him.
- [Surfer] Gnarly!
- The hell with
sportsmanship and fair play.
I want that medal right
here where it belongs now!
- Could I get another look
where you want that medal?
- Knock it off, you pervert,
and just pay attention.
We have just three events and
we can't afford to lose more than one.
I've already taken the liberty
of deciding on our fundraiser.
- Hey, maybe we could have people
bob for corn on the cob
and charge admission.
- Oh get a clue!
No, we're going to organize
an organic food booth
I'm sure the beach goers
will love health food.
- Hey, you're not going
to make that same food
that you tried to feed me
the other day, are you?
- Yes, much more.
With any luck stupid Ty-Dy is going
to do some performance art.
- Yeah, but what about
the conservation event?
- Oh yeah, so let's see...
we're going to have to think of something
really preachy and self righteous.
That way people can pretend that
they really care about it and give
it a lot of lip service
and do nothing about it.
Oh! Oh, yuck!
Will you look at this!
- What is that?
- Oh God, it's a fish
covered in crude oil.
It's disgusting, it's vile, it's... wait.
It's just what we need.
- It is?
- This could be our conservation event!
Cleaning off sea life from oil spills.
Oh my God, am I a genius or what?
- What?
- I am going to find out
who cleans off this oil
and that medal is as good as mine, ha.
Eww...
- Oh Lucki, please!
Just one encore performance,
Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's On Acid?
It would be the perfect fundraiser.
- A thousand times no!
I want to win this compeition.
Got to come up with something better.
- Can you help me here?
- In a minute.
- I just need a hand.
- In a second!
- That's it!
Hands Across Lucki!
Guys can pay $5 each to put their
hands across my body.
Oh, I can't wait until
they reach The Equator.
- That's disgusting!
- Thanks.
What was it that you needed?
- I was looking for the smallest
legal bathing suit that you have.
I want to get an all over tan
without getting arrested.
- That's it!
The answer to our prayers!
Honey, you can have anything
you want on the house.
- Gee, thanks!
You crazy woman.
- Lucki! What are you doing?
Have you lost your mind?
- She just gave us the idea
we've been looking for!
- What, giving away bikinis for free?
- Trust me on this.
If Crucial comes up with a good
conservation event,
we've got the competition cinched.
- Stop it, Lucki! Stop it!
- Oh please, just one hint.
- I'm not going to tell you
what's on the obstacle course.
- Just one clue.
If there's swimming on the obstacle course
then roll your head around like this.
If there's mouth to mouth
then pat your head with one hand
and your stomach with the other.
- This is ridiculous.
- Oh please!
You don't want Bodacia to win
and work with you.
- Come on, you know I want to see you win,
but the decision is based on
who's the most qualified for the job,
not who gives the best...
- I get the idea.
I just have to win, it's
a personal vendetta.
- What happened to chasing Mr. Cornfed?
- Maybe something better came along.
- Wait a minute, your psycho
roommate's not around, is she?
- Don't worry, she's gone for the night.
The water's fine, let's dive in.
(moaning)
(beach music)
- Open mic, huh.
- Did you hear?
- Quite a turnout this year!
- i'll say.
I've never seen two teams more anxious
to win before either.
- [Volleyball girl] Toss it here!
- Step right up and get
the healthiest food that you've
ever had in your whole life!
It's a taste sensation
and all the proceeds go to charity.
- What's in this?
- Oh it's scrumptious!
It's a seaweed, carob,
and wheat paste shake.
- Uh, doesn't sound very good.
- Oh no no, you couldn't be more wrong.
Look, why don't you try some
and show them what they're missing.
- I'm not thirsty, really.
- Drink it!
- It's delicious, really.
- See? So who's man enough to buy one?
- Oh God, not me.
- Go out there and
pretend you're a customer.
- What?
(laughing)
- You heard me, do it!
- Uh, i'd to try one of those
drinks, young lady!
- See, this weakling here
would like to try my
delicious health drink
and become big and strong
just like you all should, yeah?
So drink it all down.
- Do I get a kiss first?
- No, but you get a belt
in the mouth if you don't.
See? Don't you just
feel healthier already?
(puking)
- I was wondering, do
you drink this stuff?
- I sure do, every day.
- If you look like that,
make mine a double.
- Now we're talking!
Here you go.
(record scratch)
- Attention people!
Step right up to the smallest
legal bathing suit contest!
Bathing suits so small
you won't believe your eyes.
Smaller than you've ever imagined.
It's not for the weak of heart,
so step right up, tickets are going fast!
- Oh man, we cannot miss this!
- [Lucki] Hey, hurry hurry!
- I don't feel so good.
- Yeah, me neither.
- Shut up, can't you see
we lost all our business?
(cheering)
- I think I need to lie down.
- Just do what you want,
but be ready for the
next event, you got that?
I'm going to put a stop to this right now.
- Hey, bring us back some pictures
of the winner!
- So what do you think of our contestants?
(cheering)
- [Lucki] Wooo!
- Merciful heavens!
(beach music)
- [Lucki] Work it, girl!
- Give me the microphone!
(record scratch)
Alright, who's in charge here?
- Uh, I am.
- Well we received an anonymous tip
that there was a smallest
legal bathing suit contest.
Is that true?
- Um, actually it's the
teeny weenie bikini contest,
but I thought I saw a couple over there
doing the lambada, isn't
that the forbidden dance?
- Cut the crap!
Now proceed as you were.
We will arrest anyone
who has a bathing suit
that is smaller than the law allows.
- I hope no one in this audience
is drinking beer.
- Stall them.
- Is there a Seymour Butts here?
Come on everyone, I wanna Seymour Butts!
- Hey hey hey, you!
Yeah, you too.
Give it.
Come on, come on, come on.
Let's go!
Now!
- I just don't understand it.
Who would be so spiteful
to call the cops on us?
I mean what two bit, conniving low life
would want to ruin a
harmless fundraising event
like this one?
- Turn around.
- Bodacia! I smell a rat!
- Go ahead with your little contest.
It'll just be more official this way.
- I'll get you for this!
- All the girls on stage
are wearing bathing suits
from my bikini shop.
Oh, and by the way Officer,
she was sunbathing topless the other day.
Isn't that a parole violation?
- What?!
I never sunbathe topless.
Excuse me?
- You do in my dreams.
- Let's get started.
- Contestant number one, Ginger.
She is wearing the Eager Beaver.
- Oh ho, butt floss.
Disqualified!
Young lady, what would your mother think?
- Awww...
- Oh, sorry about that, Ginger.
Our second contestant is Josie.
Doesn't she look smart in Big Assets?
- Oh ho ho, camel toes.
Disqualified!
Arrest her.
- You too, let's go.
Come on, over here.
- I guess you should have
done your research first.
- Uh, next we have Heidi.
She's modeling our new
suit called Double Vision.
- That is smaller than your bikini wax!
Disqualified!
- Alright.
- Awww...
- Uh, sorry about that girls.
We'll post your bail.
Oh, and next we have...
Uh... what are we going to do now?
(laughing)
- I'd like to be a last minute contestant.
- What?!
- You heard me.
You see, unlike the others
my bathing suit is the
smallest allowed by law.
What do you think, guy?
Never less than a half an inch wide.
Perfectly legal.
Hey, watch it!
- Sorry.
- Yeah, let's hear it
for Bovina the beach hoe!
(cheering)
- [Lucki] What?
- That is Bodacia, and be sure to look for
my calendar our later this Fall.
So am I the winner or what?
- Actually, the winner is determined
by whichever team brought in
the most money for charity.
- Your health food booth earned $6.
The bikini contest earned $240.
The winner of the first round goes to
Lucki's team, Bikini Wax.
- Oh my God!
- What?!
- Congratulations.
- Thank you!
- I want a recount!
- Yeah, well we won
and you're a dumb slut.
- You are really going to get it.
- I can see why you didn't
win in congeniality.
- Woah woah woah.
Come on girls, break it up.
Save your energy for the next event.
- Let's go.
- You wait here, i'll
go get the paddy wagon.
- Isn't there any way out of this?
- I'd do anything not to go to jail!
- Yeah, you tell him, Ginger.
- Come on.
(cat calls)
- I don't feel so hot.
- Me neither.
- Shut up!
- I hope you researched this well.
- No problem!
We'll win it hands down.
- Well are you going to tell us
what you made yet?
- No, I want you to be surprised
like everyone else.
- I don't like the sound of that.
- Beach conservation is
important to all of us.
Every year our water becomes more polluted
and our shores more covered with litter.
Something has to be done
to save our planet, damn it!
- Okay, could you explain
what we have here?
- Certainly.
What we have here, these fish
were pulled out of the ocean
just moments ago hopelessly
covered in crude oil.
We are cleaning them and giving them
a new lease on life.
- With a kitchen brush.
- Mine's a toilet brush.
- It's not their fault that they're
the victims of an oil spill.
They're God's creatures too.
(yelps)
- Ow!
God, get this dumb thing off me!
Get it off!
(click)
- Now I see that as the perfect photo
for the cover of your calendar!
- You go to Hell!
Ow... God!
(laughing)
- Come on, show us what you made.
- Okay, I know you're going to love it.
- Oh my God, what is it?
- It's a colleague of marine life.
See, there's shells, shells here, and...
- Oh my God, you moron!
It's starfish!
You glued it to the
board, it's still alive!
- Yeah, and this thing over
here's still moving too.
(high pitched) Help me!
- Didn't you know it was still alive?
- I thought so when I
was gluing it together
but then I figured I
was just hallucinating.
- We can't show this!
It's cruelty to animals.
If we don't think of something quick
we're going to lose this event.
- Okay, let's see what the
next team has to offer.
- Uh... could we have a minute?
Our exhibit crawled away.
- It did what?!
- Uh, we made this, and, uh...
- Our entry for the
beach conservation event
is this performance art.
- Oh no, anything but that!
- Oh yes, now we've got it won!
I am an oyster opening my shell
for a grain of sand so
that I can make a pearl.
Won't somebody please take my pearl
and make a beautiful necklace.
- Oh God, we're sunk.
- Thank you, that was fine.
- But i'm not done yet!
- Oh yes you are,
and the winner of the second event
is Bodacia's team, Tidal Waves.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
One more to go.
- I thought I told you no performance art!
It's like public access
television without a camera!
- Well I thought I did a really good job
especially considering it
was only a cold reading.
I wonder if there were
any Hollywood agents in the crowd.
- I liked it.
Especially the part where...
- Shut up!
- Okay people, line up by the water.
Our final event, the
obstacle course, is next.
- You two better be ready to swim
like you've never swam before.
- Don't worry Lucki,
we won't let you down.
- Hey, you think I have
time for a quick beer?
- Alright, line up!
- (The new teams)
- This is it, I can taste victory already.
- I think I need to lay down.
- Yeah, I need to get to a hospital.
- Will you two knock it off
you big crybabies?
Hey Ty-Dy, we washed the squid off earlier
and put it back in the ocean just for you!
- You shut up, sea hag!
- Okay okay ladies, listen up.
This is it, this is the obstacle course.
You're going to run to
a marker down the shore,
you're going to swim out
to a point posted in the water
and you're going to return
right back here to the starting point.
The first teammate to return
will win the event and the competition.
- Man, let's do it!
- Just a minute!
You must follow your
lifeguard manuals completely,
or you will result in
immediate disqualification.
- That's true.
This is the final event,
it's the tie breaker,
so wish each other luck.
- Eat my dust!
- Lick my shorts!
- And begin!
(whistle)
(Bickering)
- Oh, I think I need to
have my stomach pumped.
- What's the matter?
- I had a really rancid drink earlier
and I feel like i'm dying.
- You'll be alright.
(puking)
- Come on, let's get into the water.
- I don't think i can make it.
- Go on without us!
- The hell I will!
Come on, let's go, let's get in there now!
- Hey come on you guys, let's go!
- Stop wasting time, they're going to win!
(groaning)
- This is a dilemma.
What's a girl to do?
- Looks like we got a winner.
- Yeah, I knew it would be me.
Just give me my medal,
I have a photo session waiting.
- [Lucki] Stop!
- Wait, here comes the other team.
- [Lucki] Wait!
- What happened here?
- They... they were
passed out in the water.
We couldn't just leave
them there to drown!
- But they're not even on your team.
- We know.
Bodacia just let them there.
- Yeah, Ty-Dy gave me
CPR and saved my life.
- You mean you people actually
learned something?!
- Watch this!
- He just touched me in a place
where i've never been touched before.
- You mean to tell me that you just
left your teammates down there to drown?
- Yeah, what's the problem here?
- You were supposed to follow
some very basic rules,
and you forgot the most important one:
life guarding is not a spectator sport!
You're disqualified!
- What?!
- The winner of today's competition
is Lucki's team, Bikini Wax!
- Oh my God!
You like me, you really like me!
- I've got something for you later.
- Oh man, i've got a date tonight!
- Poor baby, let me
nurse you back to health.
- Yeah, and I got one too.
- You see, Lucki?
I knew you could do it
without any help from me.
- Look at all these fringe benefits.
- I think I need to see a Doctor,
but I got a great idea for a new play.
We could call it The
Scarecrow and the Oyster.
- Oh, that is brilliant!
- Wait a second!
You mean to tell me that everybody here
has got a happy ending,
what about me?!
- You are going to write in the sand
"Lifeguarding is not a spectator sport"
5,000 times!
- Yeah? Make me!
- Thanks to you, i've
been throwing up all day!
- You, you almost got us arrested!
- Our beer got confiscated.
- Let's go beat the hell out of her!
- Uh oh!
(mob yelling)
(laughing)
(outro music)