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BROS. Last Call (2018) - full transcript


- When you hear the
first computer,

fax machine, female lawyer.

Where do you think
they're all from?

The Silicon valley?

Perhaps even New York.

No, this is Iowa.

Home of the only division
1A football stadium

named after an
African-American, Jack Trice.

Who attended Iowa State
University in the 20s.

He was the second
African-American competing

in college football at
a major university.

Who's the first?

Frank Holbrook, who
played for the.

University of Iowa
a decade earlier.

During the Civil War,

76,534 lowans served
in The Union.

No other state had a
higher percentage

of its male population serve.

This is Waterloo.

Waterloo, Iowa.

This city, with the greatest
tractors ever made.

This is East High.

Record for the longest
football winning streak

in the state.

Strangely enough, the record

for the longest
losing streak, too.

But whatever.

Hey, Cedar Falls, suck
my dick from behind

for pointing that out
in the first movie.

Waterloo West High.

The high school of the
greatest wrestler

of all time, Dan Gable.

Waterloo is the home
of the greatest

American Navy family,
the Sullivans.

The Sullivan brothers all
died on the same ship

in the South Pacific
during World War II.

This is a story that
inspired the movie,

Saving Private Ryan.

But my town of Waterloo,

that's where you're gonna get

the real American Experience.

A large glass of scotch,

plenty of great food,

and genuine conversation.

- American Pie was awesome.

- I can't believe the kid
from Rookie of the Year

got Tara Reid.

- Harold was not aware of this.

Who was the kid from
Rookie of the Year?

- Thomas Ian Nicholas,
if I ever meet him,

I'm gonna tell him The
Floater was shit.

- Tara Reid is hot.

- I like the part where the dude

put his dick in the pie.

- How do you know he's Jewish?

- Because his dad is
Eugene Levy, Jew.

- You come off so antisemitic.

You need to work on that.

- The intern Clinton
nailed was a Jew.

- You know, in 20 years,

our presidents, they'll
be married to models

and plowing porn stars.

- You Neanderthals.

- Since your parents divorced,

your weekends with your
dad have been great.

- Thank you Father,

for allowing us to
watch R rated movies.

- Pisses Mom off,
which is funny.

- I prefer American
Beauty over American Pie.

It will win an Oscar.

- I would rather see
a Jew screw a pie

over a plastic bag
in the wind any day.

- Dad keeps asking
me how many times

the new boyfriend comes,

comes about three times a week.

Mom comes about seven or eight.

Quit being such a fag, Dad.

Move on, get a chick,

sell some more Saturns
or something.

- If you ever need to
talk about your feelings,

after the divorce, Harold
is a good listener.

- Feelings?

I have two Christmases
now, you cock munchers.

- Hey, where's Taylor?

- He's hanging with
his girl he met.

She's here for the summer.

- What is this, Grease?

♪ Those summer, nights ♪

- I prefer Grease 2.

Much better movie.

Musical scenes, way better.

Best bowling scene
in film history.

- Taylor would sell
out his buddies

for a chick any day.

Pervert, Dee tried to tell him

to keep his hands to himself.

- I will wait for the
right girlfriend.

Harold is classy.

I want a lady with
that same standard.

- Fag.

- No way Richard Gere's going

to rescue you if
you're a hooker.

- Yeah, I guess he did
make out with her.

You don't kiss a
hooker on the mouth.

- No.

- They'll bite off the
tip of your tongue.

- They'll bite right on.

- Like that shame on guy.

- Wait, Sham-Wow guy.

- You know the guy
from the infomercial

with the shammy.

- Yeah.

He made out with a hooker.

And she bit off the
tip of his tongue.

- Holy shit!

- Bit it right off.

You don't kiss a
hooker on the mouth.

- No shit.

And Richard Gere gives her money

to go shopping?

- No, no.

- He would've taken
her in an alley,

bent her over a
dumpster, and said,

"yeah, take that pig!"

- Now that's a movie
I would totally

go, I would pay
money to see that.

- Yeah, you we think
we're above men

in this area, but we
are just as depraved.

How many copies

of Fifty Shades of
Gray were sold?

Three blockbuster films.

- Oh, my God.

Honestly, I mean, I'd
rather see that rich guy

work over that chick,

than watch the fucking Notebook.

- I would rather have
my Catholic grandmother

catch me watching hardcore

gay porn

than to watch the
fucking Notebook.

- Gay porn is the best, though.

That's a real romance movie.

- Well, no, watching some twink

get turned out by a
couple of hairy bears,

hot.

- Yeah, take that pig.

- Hey, where's Tanner?

- I don't know, man.

I don't think his fiance

likes him hanging out with me.

- Why?

- She treats me like I'm
from Marshal Town, man.

I'm gonna take him out
to the Tiger's Den.

He's gonna get hopped
up on crystal meth,

take a swing at a stripper.

- Well, she did have to
pick you guys up last week

at four in the morning.

- It's different man.

Dave's stash makes some
killer Vegas bombs.

Look at you man.

Maybe you're the issue.

Maybe he can't come
here because of you.

You look like

the devil wears Tommy Bahama.

- Hey bro,

this shit gets me
anything I want.

And you're no peach
yourself either.

- I know.

A grown man wearing
Justin Bieber jacket.

Maybe she's a little bit right.

But still, fuck her.

- Dude,

you tell him to tell her

he's at the real library.

- That's what I'm thinking.

Maybe you she'll

wind up allowing
him to come out.

Maybe he's gonna go
and say he's gonna

I don't know,

get like a boxcar kids

novel, or Sweet Valley High.

Hey, have we had this
conversation before?

- Matt,

we have this conversation

every time.

- Tanner's fiance's a bitch.

- Major bitch.

She's says that Tanner can't
come down here anymore

because she doesn't want
him hanging around.

Mr. Lance.

- Oh, she said Jeff
Lance is a misogynist.

- What a dumb clam.

I don't even know gymnastics.

- No, dude.

That's a contortionist.

- What the hell's a misogynist?

- It's a man who's
prejudice against women,

thinks that they're inferior.

- Doesn't she know

that I'm Jeff Lance?

I love women.

- That's right man.

You love women.

You're Jeff Lance.

You don't treat women
like an object.

They treat you like an object.

- I know.

I'm actually sensitive.

I have feelings.

I want to be held
and listened to

like a puppy.

- You know what,

I'm gonna text Tanner,

tell him

hey,

tell your fiance

that Jeff says

misogynists is an
awfully big word

for such a little girl.

And send.

- Dude, that's something
a misogynist would say.

- Exactly.

- Funny, bro.

- Don't worry about it.

She doesn't it to everyone.

- Yeah, she calls
everyone sexist,

racist,

homophobe.

You name it.

- Small minds do
it all the time.

Sexist.

Homophobe.

Racist.

Vocal trump cards
for the idiots.

- You are a little
antisemitic at times.

- Don't worry, Matt,

the Jews will not replace you.

- Hey.

Got a text from Tanner.

His fiance says she
will let us come over,

but for just one drink.

And we have to have
it in the driveway.

- In the driveway?

It's like on King of the Hill,

Dammit Bobby.

The Fiance is such a bitch.

- Yeah man, I don't
know what you mean man.

You know what, fuck it.

Let's have shots.

- Shots.

- Shots.

You ever know about Toby Huss?

Actor from Marshalltown?

Played the voices of Kahn

and Grampaw Hill.

So anyway,

he was up for the part

of Mr. Miyagi,

and he showed up to
the first audition

piss drunk and did
the most racist,

asian voice he possibly could,

and got brought back for
the second audition.

In his second audition,

he came in sober,

lost the part.

- So dude, where you headed?

Waterloo?

- Sierra Falls.

I'm fucking with you.

♪ The hate you
fought for reason ♪

♪ Found out your faults ♪

♪ Hide behind ♪

♪ The picture perfect lights ♪

♪ The times you in the corner ♪

♪ Dusting for fingerprints ♪

♪ From cages painted pretty ♪

♪ Pictures of your sins ♪

♪ Give me ig-ig-ignorance ♪

♪ Give what you can give ♪

♪ Ig-Ig-Ignorance ♪

♪ Hit them with ♪

♪ What to give ♪

♪ Alright ♪

♪ Put on-on-on the table ♪

♪ Watch for shifty eyes ♪

♪ Serving cold revenge ♪

♪ With the side of spite ♪

♪ Satisfaction don't come easy ♪

♪ But to take it all with ease ♪

♪ With our guests, them guests ♪

♪ I'll just better leave ♪

♪ Give me ig-ig-ignorance ♪

♪ Give what you can give ♪

♪ Ig-Ig-Ignorance ♪

♪ Hit them with ♪

♪ What they give ♪

♪ Alright ♪

♪ Ignorance ♪

♪ Hit them with ♪

♪ What they give ♪

- Pro-wrestling was a staple

in every kid's lives
at some point.

There's three

prestigious

pro-wrestling hall of
fame's in America.

Cauliflower Alley Club,

WWE,

George Tragos,

Lou Thesz Pro Wrestling
Hall of Fame.

That one is held here

in Waterloo, Iowa.

Former inductees are,

Mick Foley,

Edge,

Kurt Angle,

Iron Sheik,

Jim Ross,

Terry Funk,

Rowdy Rowdy Piper.

The Million Dollar
Man, Ted Dibiase,

the excellence of execution,

Bret "The Hitman" Hart,

and even the governor,

Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

But the one,

the one that always stuck
with me and my friends,

the man,

spent more money

on spilled liqueur

from all ends of the
world in one year

that you'll ever
make in a lifetime.

I'm talking about
the kiss stealing,

the wheeling, dealing,

Rolex wearing,

limonene riding,

jet flying son of a gun,

the nature boy,

limonene Flair.

Woo.

- I was in there

cause I'm loud in there,

and I saw you out here
just bumming around.

I landed you a ticket.

- Dude.

When the fuck did you
become a pro-wrestler?

- Since 2010.

You know that.

Dipshit.

- Jesus Christ.

That's awesome.

- Yeah, you can get one $20.

No, you know what,

friends and family discount,

30.

Yeah.

- Fucking A.

- Drinks after?

- Drinks after.

- Our boy, Frisco.

And the monster,

Malice.

Wrestling fans,

our winners.

Wrestling tag team champions,

the team of,

and Malice.

♪ I was pouring myself
a stiff drink ♪

♪ At Christmas ♪

♪ Eve ♪

♪ You was looking at me ♪

♪ Like I should ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ You think by now when see ♪

♪ That bottle ♪

♪ You should know ♪

♪ We're not walking sideways ♪

♪ I ain't trying to
steal the show ♪

♪ Where I drink ♪

♪ So I drank ♪

♪ Now I'm drunk ♪

♪ Bottoms up ♪

♪ Well I drink ♪

♪ So I drank ♪

♪ Now I'm drunk ♪

♪ Bottoms up ♪

♪ I was watching the
game at the bar ♪

♪ Last Monday ♪

♪ Night ♪

- Guys, how was it?

- Better than Bros.

♪ It was time to ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ But my friends are here ♪

♪ And there's lots of beer ♪

♪ And the post game ♪

♪ Show ♪

♪ So before you get
mad at me later ♪

♪ Just remember that
I told you so ♪

♪ Well I drink ♪

♪ So I drank ♪

♪ Now I'm drunk ♪

♪ Bottoms up ♪

♪ Well I drink ♪

♪ So I drank ♪

♪ Now I'm drunk ♪

♪ Bottoms up ♪

♪ Well I drink ♪

♪ So I drank ♪

♪ Now I'm drunk ♪

♪ Bottoms up ♪

♪ Well I drink ♪

♪ So I drank ♪

♪ Just like Hank ♪

♪ Now I'm ♪

♪ Drunk, again ♪

- Firewater,

a bar that is one block

from the Sullivan
brother's center.

On stage right now,

Pamela the Punisher poet.

The only dominatrix poet

to ever make it.

And, her sidekick,

our good friend Sam the Slave.

- Ode to the little piggy,

dirty, nasty little piggy.

I'm going to make you mine

so get on your knees

and whine, you nasty swine.

I am Pamela,

the Punisher poet.

And you're just my little piggy

and everyone's going to know it.

I am the only dominatrix
poet to ever make it

so get on your knees
you nasty little pig

and take it.

- I love Pamela the Punisher.

I love poetry.

You girls have boyfriends?

- Yes.

Fantastic.

I love you Pamela
the Poet Punisher.

- Rutro.

Where's Scooby and the gang?

- Solve any mysteries lately?

- No, not,

not today.

Why?

- Is your mom picking you up
from little league later?

- I'm in a league.

- Is your priest
still molesting you?

- You look like Lance
Armstrong without the roids.

- You look like Tom Hanks

and the end of Philadelphia.

- You look like Chaz Bono
in a fun house mirror.

- Sam.

What's up man, how's it going?

- Good.

Yeah, could I get
a scotch please?

- Yeah, put that one on me.

- Classy as always, sir.

Dude, how's it going man?

Where's Tanner at?

- He's with his fiance, man.

- Well that's what
happens, right.

You get older.

You get kids.

Got a nice wife, I guess.

Or you can just be the guy
drinking alone at the bar.

- Yeah.

- Right.

- Yeah, yeah.

Apparently right now,

he's two knuckles deep

in a game of scrabble
with his finance.

- Scrabble.

Don't you have to know
words for scrabble?

- Yeah.

You know that guy's just
playing idiotic stuff.

He's probably
sitting there bored

making houses and
stuff like that.

- Fucking lame crap.

- Idiot.

He's gonna play like this,

they, them,

it, as, and,

an,

and then do the D.

And then yeah, you know
he's gonna get to there

and have like the wrong one.

Like he's gonna go
ahead and say ah,

this means

they are, right.

They are, right.

He's gonna be asking.

- His fiance has to be having
the worst time right now.

- Well, woo.

Look what he just played.

Actually, Tanner is
playing scrabble

with is fiance

with a bunch of her friends.

She spelled Fount,

which earned her

24 points.

She was quite proud.

Tanner had a word too.

His fiance kept pestering him

on his vocabulary all night.

Starts with a Q.

That earned him

triple letter score.

So guess what Tanner's word is.

I'll give you a few hints.

Muff grunt,

box burp,

sliz sneeze,

womb wheeze,

cunt cough.

That's right.

Tanner's word is Queef.

And if you're still lost,

Google pussy fart.

Queef earned Tanner 63
points total on the word

and gave him the lead.

His finance was pissed.

But her Ceder Falls
friends were impressed,

and also laughing so hard

that Tanner's finally
in with them.

Just goes to show you

everyone comes together

at a campground

over a twat tune.

- Triple letter score
on the letter Q, nice.

- Nice.

He's putting that extra
chromosome to use.

- I'll drink my scotch to that.

- I'm telling you guys,

Jeff Lance is my real father.

I know it.

- He went in with your mom

when he was 12 years old,

you do realize this.

- That's what I'm saying.

She had Jeff in class
when he was 12.

- That means your mom's
a child molester.

- Yes, but my real
father's a stud.

- Well, it makes sense.

You do like raw
dogging the strange.

- Patrick Plumly.

He owns On The Rocks,

a bar with over 15
different Moscow mules,

eight craft beers on tap,

and even more
bottled and canned.

A place like On The
Rocks is a staple

in the Waterloo nightlife.

Come have some of
the best drinks,

cocktails, beers in the
whole Ceder Valley

all while taking in some artwork

of a vintage Waterloo.

The Dipshit Twins,

the smartest guys in the valley.

They received the highest marks
at Iowa State University.

Later, they attended both
Columbia and Harvard.

Inspired by their heroes,

Neil Degrasse Tyson

and Carl Sagan.

But like any other genius,

if you want to throw them off,

get them on a sex topic.

It totally throws a genius off.

Einstein can come up with
a theory of relativity,

but ask that
non-practicing Jew krout

to find the G spot on a woman,

and he will be more shaken

than Richard Spencer

asking for directions in a KFC

on the southside of Chicago.

- You know,

I was thinking

on the topic of
black holes again.

- Here we go.

- We do not know

what laws of physics apply
within a black hole.

We just don't.

We're applying standard
laws of physics,

but they can't apply there.

They can't.

- Again,

the standard laws of physics

can apply to a black hole

if there is any presence

of something here on earth

such as

gravity.

- Gravity.

Oh, so that's what
Google was talking about

when I looked it up earlier.

- Yes,

the same gravity that
takes this beautiful dart

to the black

hole of that

gaping bullseye.

Right in the center.

Don't look.

- Well,

- Jesus Christ.

What in the world of Breaking
Bad biology did I walk in on?

- Matt.

- You nerds talking about.

Black holes again?

- Just because we
identify as nerds

doesn't mean you
can call us nerds.

We can call each other nerds.

You can't call us nerds.

Nerd.

- Hey, nerd.

- Hey.

- Yes, we're talking
about black holes.

- Man, you guys talk
about black holes

more than Robert Pinero.

- Hold on.

He's doing that
comedy thing again.

Because

Robert De Niro,

Bobby as I call him,

he likes black women.

So that is funny.

- Bobby of Niro

likes black.

- Jesus guys.

Seriously.

But I'll play along.

- Oh.

- So,

let's just say the guy
particle accelerator

and taken out all these
mini black holes.

- Yes, you're
speaking my language.

- They go ahead and toss us

into the Mandela Effect.

Mandela Effect.

The Mandela Effect refers to
an enlarged number of people

share a false memory,

originally attributed
to the existence

of multiple universes.

Are we currently residing in it?

- Let's see.

Answer the question.

- Bernstein.

I guess you could
be a possibility.

Next question.

- It could be a possibility.

- But.

- If only you were to believe in

alternate timelines.

Or I don't know,

maybe something

like alternate universes.

A bubble universe.

- I get it.

Like Rick and Morty, right.

- No, I don't like
Rick and Morty.

It's too smart for me.

Make my brain hurt.

- Pickle.

- Pickle dick.

Ow.

- It's pickle Rick.

I got another question
for you guys.

You think

- because.
- Yes.

- These black holes opening,

toss us into an
alternate universe

within ourselves

that we actually have
non binary people.

People who do not identify

as either gender,

nor masculine, nor feminine.

That they see neither of them.

That however they exist
outside the binary,

and outside the cis normativity.

I'm telling you some people

do not see gender, but just see

who they actually
are as a person.

- See people.

I've been to 17
different colleges.

- Dizzy.

Matt,

what the fuck are you
talking about man?

- Yeah.

What are you saying?

- I'm just saying

these people don't see gender.

- You're hurting
Dipshitowits one.

- Shut up, Dipshitowits two.

- How can you not see gender?

That's

all you can see when
you're doing it.

Look,

hey, hey, hey.

Honk, honk.

Honk, honk.

- It's all you can see.

It's all you can see.

- Hey, hey, gender, gender,

gender, gender.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Let's put it,

hey,

hey.

- Hey.
- I'm doing both parts.

Hey.

What?

- You're gonna get
us kicked out again.

- Sorry.

Sorry.

- What are you gonna do?

Oh yeah, here's a big seven inch

dark and red veiny,

sweaty,

smelly non-binary.

- It's my big,

huge,

two inches,

give or take

veiny.

Looks almost like...

- Big, huge,

two inches?

- Go.

- I mean,

I don't think they see it
kind of that way boys.

- Well you sometimes
you need a microscope,

but you can see it that way.

- You can see it.

I've looked.

Scientific curiosity.

Nothing weird.

Look, Matt,

let's put it in dummy language.

- Yeah, we're the Dipshits.

Sure.

- There's no denying dick.

- Yeah.

- There's no denying dick.

There's no denying dick.

There's no denying dick.

There's no denying dick.

There's no denying dick.

There's no denying dick.

There's no denying dick.

There's no.

- You know what.

- What?

- Let's go home.

- Yeah.

- Get the whiteboard out,

put some fricking Windex on it.

And then we're gonna
figure this out

for once and for all.

- Yeah Matt.

You're such a fricking A-hole.

Pardon my language, but

we're trying to

go on solve

the straight dairy problem.

Now you got me all twisted up.

Now we have to

fricking solve

non-binary.

- Computer scientists.

Let's go.

- A couple of science nerds,

they're not very PC.

Indepedent film.

They must have meant
Independent film.

The Mandela Effect.

But an Independent film

set in Waterloo, Iowa

named Bros.

Oh man, that's got to suck.

- You running off
my customers again?

- Come on man, they were
just gonna drink up

my fucking favorite scotch.

- Doesn't matter.

- Tell you what,

I'm gonna drink the
majority of that bottle

in there anyways.

And they were probably gonna
have a bunch of waters.

It won't matter.

They're science dorks.

I'm a drunk.

I pay more.

- I love alcoholism.

- Hey, hey,

the Waterloo Manati
meeting just let out?

- Matt, good to see you.

- Good seeing you.

- Where's your buddy, Tanner?

- He's out with his
fiance tonight.

- Yep.

That happens when you get older.

People, they get married.

They have kids.

Be happy for your friend.

- Yeah, speaking of which,

he's playing scrabble with her.

Check out the word he played.

- Oh, yeah.

That's nice placement
there on that Q.

Triple letter score.

63 points.

Very nice.

- Yeah.

I hate drinking alone.

- Eat your bread

with joy and drink your wine

with a merry heart,

for god has already approved

what you do.

- That's beautiful.

Who's that?

Luke Bryant?

Kanye West?

- It's Ecclesiastes nine seven.

It's from the bible.

- Yeah.

I always try to give musicians
way too much credit.

- Let me ask you something,

what have you done so far today?

- Well, it started off.

I had some shots with Jeff
Lance at the Library.

I went and saw

pro-wrestling at the
Five Sullivan Center.

And went and saw Pamela The
Punisher Poet next door.

It's been pretty cool.

- All that in the course
of one Saturday afternoon

in the Cedar Valley.

You know,

the Douist define grace

not so much

by the words that you say,

but by your actions,

your movements,

how you live life.

You have more wealth in
these few city blocks

than most people have

anywhere in the world.

Where else,

other than

maybe Las Vegas or something

can you get

a glass of scotch that full?

Be happy for your friends,

for they come and go.

You know they'll always
be those children

and those wives out there.

Be happy for them too

because this too may
come for you someday.

- Yeah.

What if it doesn't?

- Well then you're just
another old guy at a bar.

But see that's okay too.

You need to cherish
your memories,

enjoy your scotch,

and remember the five
Sullivan brothers.

They would have loved to be
able to come back to this town

and enjoy it the
way that you have.

- How'd you get so wise?

- I come from Oelwein, Iowa.

Oh hey, I have two tickets
to the court games.

Starts in about 15 minutes.

If you can find somebody
to go with you, great.

If not, then you just
enjoy your evening.

- Thanks man.

I always appreciated
our friendship.

- Take care.

Finish that scotch.

- The Cedar Valley court games.

Waterloo's Midwest
professional basketball team.

Actually, the Midwest
professional basketball league

champions.

- Speaking of broke,

do you have enough
money to finish

paying for your haircut?

- I see, it's cool, it's cool.

It's hard out here man.

- You look like Raggedy Anne
after a house fire, man.

- People's hair,

I mean one more hair strand
falls out your hair, man,

you're gonna look like broke
Bruce Willis or something.

I'm just saying.

- Jersey Shore reject.

You look like old Asians.

- Speaking of that,

you sure look like
you came off the gas

golf course seven.

- I did, I see you dad there.

- Speaking of rejects,

like your hairline's
been rejecting

your forehead a little bit.

I don't know what's going on.

- Your hairline look
like a fundraiser.

I'm sorry.

- You guys are black.

- You kind of look like an Oreo.

- A broreo.

- A broreo.

I like that.

I like that, let's toast
to that right there.

- Bros for life.
- Bros for life.

- So I was thinking,

and I think I might
like the sound

of some little feet
pitter pattering.

I think maybe we
should start a family.

- Oh my god.

I love being your wife.

I would make such a great mom.

I would love to have

a little boy or girl with you.

- Okay.

I'll throw away the condoms.

You start taking
your temperature

and charting your days.

And I'll triangulate
the insemination

for the best possible outcome.

- The way you sound it,

it's so dirty.

I love it.

- Black Hawk county seat

was originally in Cedar Falls.

- Yeah, and then some
Waterloo residents

went over and seized
the documents

and brought them
back to Waterloo.

- Wait, is this a story

where they threw
eggs at each other?

- Yeah, they called
it the egg war.

- Hard boiled.

Just like city councils
in these towns.

- Or over easy,

like the Cedar Valley women.

- So according to this,

we conceived on the weekend
of the 11th and the 12th.

- Hey, that was the weekend

I was out of town at
my nana's funeral.

- Oh my god.

Sorry.

- It's okay.

I fucked somebody else
that weekend too.

- C'est la vie.

- Sera, sera.

- Mom, you got to stop
hitting on guys my age.

Stop flirting with
my guy friends.

- You know people think we could

actually be sisters.

- You slow down.

You're way too much.

- I am a cougar.

It's our time now.

I will not slow down.

It's MILF time.

- Gross.

- Your little friend,
Jake, didn't think so.

- This is Elias,

a good Christian boy.

Drank way too much one night.

Actually, he went on an
entire weekend bender.

Now, he's in
alcoholic's anonymous.

So we refer to him as.

AA Elias.

- Shit this shit's man.

Why don't they fix
this shit, dude?

Who gives a shit.

- Hey, Jorge.

- What you want, dude?

- You know I'm really
concerned about you man.

I'm really concerned
about your health.

Hwy don't you take
a look at this.

Really could help you out.

- You think?

- Yeah man.

It helped me.

- Whatever dude.

Go away dude, I'm drinking.

- Alright, just think
about it, man.

- Yeah whatever dude.

Go fuck yourself.

Holy shit, AA works.

Alright.

- I love the two of you in Oz.

- What's up man.

- Hey, what's up Jorge?

What's up dude?

Marcel, can I get another run?

Thank you.

- This time of the day, dude?

- Yeah.

You have the same one too.

- I'm in mourning dude.

- Yeah, I guess I'm
in mourning too.

- Why, Anthony Bourdain too?

You heard about that shit too?

- No, Tanner.

He's got a fiance.

Can't hang out with me.

- He found someone
tighter than you, huh.

- Yeah, I guess in a way.

- In a way?

Really?

- Yeah.

Who's fucking push
light is that?

- That's that milk weed,

Tyler of the tool.

- Oh Jesus Christ.

Was diet mountain dew too spicy?

- For that milk weed

motherfucker, maybe.

- Oh yeah.

Extra cheese was a good call.

It's a two flusher, baby.

Pouring one out for your
dead homies over there?

You guys both have a grinder.

That's how you guys met.

That's awesome.

Good for you guys.

You guys are a beautiful couple.

I like the melting pot

kind of situation going on here.

- Hey, at least I get
swiped right, motherfucker.

Hey, what's with the jacket?

Were you worried about
the Jews replacing you?

- You couldn't replace me.

I look like

if Adolph Hitler could
perfectly design somebody.

A genetically modified boy
band member basically.

- Yeah, the Richard
Spencer Five.

I've heard of them.

- You're just like my uncle.

You went south of the border.

You got a nice Hispanic wife.

You're like the guy

from Modern Family.

That's awesome.

- You're adorable.

- That's like your mom said.

She thinks I'm real cute.

She put me up in her big
strong Mexican arms,

like a big bundle of fruit.

Just picked me up.

- Hey,

where's your dipshit friend at?

Tyler?

- Pulling doubles over
at the golf course, man.

Golf pro.

Making that good money.

He's got a kid on the way.

He fucks girls, unlike you guys.

- Putting.

The short game.

Well, half the game actually.

You master this, and

I think I see a little green
jacket in your future.

But,

but you got to eye on the ball

and then put through

to the hole.

Through to the hole.

But,

you got to focus.

Buddy.

Focus.

- Hey, I thought that was a
baby ruth in Caddyshack.

- Yeah, but all they
had was snickers.

- Hey, no more
Caddyshack references.

- But man, orange balls.

Hey Wayne, this is
a swanky joint.

Go tell him you're Jewish.

- No more Caddyshack references.

No more Caddyshack references.

I'm fucking serious.

- Oh baby.

This is a big one.

- Alright, don't count that one.

That was interfered with.

- The whole world needs
ditch diggers too.

- What'd I say about
Caddyshack references?

- What's the matter?

I just want to bring
you a present.

- No

more.

Caddyshack references.

- Hey, that's from
Caddyshack two.

- Yeah, it's from
Caddyshack two, bra.

- Shit man.

The last time I saw you,

the night in Cedar
Falls with Heather.

- Yet that girl talks about
how small my dick is.

Like you're six foot four,

everything looks that small

compared to that.

Come on.

- You ever notice
when she gets mad,

she kind of looks
like William Defoe?

- Oh dude, it's like

kind of like seeing my stepdad.

It's crazy.

Like

the guy that got shot
by fucking Jake Taylor

from Major League in Platoon,

you know what I'm talking about.

- Yeah dude.

Oh my god.

Was she on the rescue
in the Boondock Saints?

- Yeah.

Born on the fourth of July.

- You two are peas in a pod.

What are you, a fucking

shake swords together sometimes.

- That's not a bad idea?

- Yeah man.

Hey, you got to have
somebody from a movie

talk shit about your dick,

who would it be?

- Oh man, probably
Hannibal Lector, man.

He'd be like

go into great detail about it,

and then like snack that shit
up with some fava beans.

What about you?

- Weirdly,

Cruella de Vil.

- 101 Dalmatians.

- Yeah.

Yeah, she'd talk shit about it,

she'd still see
the beauty in it.

She'd just have to
find a 100 more

and fashion it in to a
fashionable jacket.

- A nice little dick coat.

- Yeah, who wouldn't wear
a dick skinned jacket?

- I would look good
in a dick coat.

- That jacket is tighter
than dick skin.

- Absolutely.

- So,

fuck it.

You want to go to Lava Lounge?

I'll buy you a scotch.

$12,

the good kind.

- Trailer Park Boys, nice.

- Nice.

- Well, it looks like
I'm Julien on this one,

cause I'm taking
my drink with me.

- It's about to fucking time.

- Have a good one.

Adios amigo.

- Yeah, fuck yourself.

- No, C3-PO has a silver leg.

- Mandela Effect.

- No, what.

No, no, no, no, no.

C3-PO is gold

and Han did the Castle Run

in 12 parsecs.

Duh.

- Pretty sure it was 14.

- He told Chewy

that he rounded down in Solo.

- Either way,

it's still impressive.

- So,

is Rey Han and Leia's kid?

- How the hell

would Luke and Leia
not sense that?

I mean these jedis are unreal.

Leia can Mary Poppins through
the vacuum of space,

but she can't keep track
of her damn kids.

- There's no way that Rey
is their kid anyway.

Han and Leia,

no, there's no way.

No.

- Jedi's are shitty parents.

- Do you think

that

at like another
bar in this town,

there are girls talking
about Star Trek

like we're talking
about Star Wars.

- No way.

- Yeah, Star Trek is dumb.

- You're right.

- You can have your
Captain Pikard.

You can have your Captain Kirk,

but I'm after that Spock.

There's a reason for
live long and prosper.

I'd put a smile on
that Vulcan's face.

- I understand that.

But I want Mr. Chekov

as I want to make him my first.

You know them virgins.

I want to take him boldly

where no man has gone before.

- Girl.

- You know in can do a little.

- Only you girl.

- I'm telling you,

that's the way it's
supposed to be.

- Cheers.

- You know, I gotta say,

Rent by far is the
greatest musical

ever created.

It has heart.

It's visceral.

And it just moves you
in every way possible.

And also, it really hits home

with all my gay friends

and what they have to endure.

- Les Miserable is the
greatest musical of all time.

It digs into the human spirit,

the struggle.

They yearn to be part
of a higher power,

and the grace of humanity.

- Cats is the best.

I just love it.

Cute little cats running around.

And they don't make me
sneeze like real cats.

- The Music Man,

a light hearted musical

set in Iowa.

It saw the best production of it

at the Cedar Falls
Community Theater

at the.

The Waterloo Community Playhouse

also had a superb
production of it.

- You guys are all wrong.

I'm not trying to
be a dickhead but,

awful selections.

Greese 2 is

profoundly better than everything
you guys have mentioned.

You can roll your eyes,

but it really is.

You're just gonna
have to revisit it.

The Music Man?

I don't mean any disrespect,

I just,

that's like,

it's child's play
for grandparents.

It makes lowans

seem like

frumpy fools that
can't spot a fraud

a half a cornfield away.

It's not any good.

Cats.

Cats.

I don't have enough
scotch for Cats.

Rent man.

Rent's insufferable.

It just, like I get it.

Like I understand the struggle.

Totally sympathize
with the gay community

in New York City during Aids

and persecution,

living in weirdly
shitty apartments.

But really all it did was enable

white sorority sisters

to slaughter more Karaoke songs.

I can't, I can't.

Cats?

Les Mis.

I mean I don't hate it.

I like Anne Hathaway
in the movie.

It's pretty great.

But Jean Valjean

is not

and will never be.

Cool Rider.

In Greese 2, Michael

comes to America with a dream.

He makes his money

writing essays for the

less fortunate folks
at his school.

And he saves his money

and he builds a motorcycle

from scratch.

A cool rider was needed.

He built it from scratch.

He repurposed these parts

and he built them into
something stronger,

faster,

and just beautiful.

I don't know what
else you would want.

It's the American dream

in musical form.

Michelle Phieffer
needed hell on wheels

and by god,

Michael bird hot.

It also has the
best bowling scene

in cinematic history.

It's way better than that trite

gooey Beatles karaoke movie

across the universe.

- Seriously, Harris.

That's the best you
can come up with?

- Please I,

please, I prefer Harold.

- I prefer Harris.

- Okay.

- A couple reasons why
Greese 2 is shit.

First of all,

Michelle Phieffer sounds like

she's got a dead cat
stuck in her throat.

Her singing is atrocious.

- And yet she persevered.

- That was easily
the worst movie

she's ever been in.

Secondly, there's a
production going on right now

called 13.

These kids are in junior high

and they're putting
on something better

than these 30 year olds could.

Last,

these four musicals

were on a stage,

been on Broadway.

Greese 2 has only
been in theaters

and has never won an award.

- Well,

better is the local theater.

They chose to do Greese

instead of the wrong one.

If they would have
got their heads

out of their asses,

they would have
picked the right one,

they would have
found a cool rider

and Harold would have obliged.

- So what are you
drinking there?

- Young lady, I am not drinking

anything.

I am experiencing this

single malt scotch.

- You know,

every time you drink scotch,

it makes me really frisky.

- Well I do suppose that the

experience is different
for everyone.

- Well what are you doing later?

- Young lady,

must I inform you

that I'm wearing my purity ring.

- Why are you wearing
a purity ring?

- Because

purity rings are so cool.

- Cousin Harold.

Are you doubting the

coolness of my purity ring?

- Well if your ear wolf hat

is an indication,

yes, I am.

I've decided that purity rings

are no longer.

- Well then they are no
longer hip for the Oliver.

Young lady may entice away.

- Do you want to experience
my place or yours later?

- Oh, Oliver does not
want to wait that long.

How about

out back behind the dumpster?

- Dumpster fucking?

Yeah.

- Oliver,

please.

- Oh cousin Harold,

I suppose you're right.

How about we go back to my place

and we experience a bottle
of single malt scotch

and I will show you my huge

vinyl collection.

- Okay.

- My work here is done.

- Thank you, cousin Harold.

Thank you.

- Did she say dumpster fucking?

- I believe they said
dumpster fucking.

Have you ever dumpster fucked?

- I've never had
a dumpster fuck,

but I've had a handjob behind
the Tasty Freeze one time.

- That sounds like you.

- You how I feel about
those tractor shots.

It's just kind of like,

actually that guy up there

on the TV.

He seems like a guy who
probably put himself

in his own movies.

- Yeah, multiple movies
on the same subject.

- Always in the same bars,

in the same locations,

and it's always the
same gay dick jokes.

- Constantly.

Because the only thing
this guy finds funny

is dick jokes after a life
of touring and bar hopping.

- Drinking nothing but scotch.

Pretty sure it just
runs through his veins

and he just like

pisses straight scotch.

- Burns all the time.

You can never tell when
he's got the clap.

- I mean I'm sure he's got
some good drugs for that.

But three movies.

Fuck.

Kevin Smith won't even
make a third Clerks.

- Definitely not.

- Strip clubs,

pornography shops,

come on Boss.

There's got to be
something else out there.

- What would you suggest I do?

- Christian bookstores.

- Boss.

This is the Boss.

He owns a strip club

and an adult bookstore in town.

This guy's former boss.

The Adult Shop Mop.

- Okay, the idea of

being in business is
to stay in business.

You realize that, right.

Hey, you're a good kid.

Everybody likes you, Elias.

You know they call
you AA Elias now

cause of that weekend.

But that's okay.

AA's probably good.

Alcoholics anonymous
works for some people

and seems to

work pretty well for you.

And that's good.

Let me pose something to you.

Imagine there's a
good Christian man.

He goes to church

every Wednesday and Sunday.

Goes to bible study,

a great man,

very faithful.

He's driving down
the road one day

on his way to a bible study,

soup kitchen,

what have you.

He gets a tightness
in his chest.

It's pains in his arms.

Realizes he's having
a heart attack,

pulls off to the
very first place

he could find

to seek out help.

He dies on the floor
of that business.

Say it's

my adult bookstore

or one of my strip clubs.

The news will read

77 year old man dies
of a heart attack

at 10:00 AM in the morning

at an adult bookstore
or strip club.

You're automatically gonna
think this man is bad.

Let's go the other side.

Imagine there is an awful guy.

A guys that goes to my
strip clubs all the time.

He's at my adult bookstores,

complete porn hound.

A complete reprobate.

A drunk.

A whore monger.

He's driving down
the road one day.

It's a tightness in his chest.

Pains in his arms.

Knows he's gonna
have a heart attack.

Pulls off to the very
first place he can find

to seek out help,

and it's a church.

The news will read

77 year old man

dies of a heart
attack at 10:00 AM

on a Wednesday morning

at a church.

You're automatically
gonna think he's good.

- Well,

at least I tried.

- Always remember this,

amazing grace was
written by an atheist

who was saved.

So never stop trying.

You're good man.

- Thanks Boss.

See you later.

- Bye.

- Praise be.

Last time I saw
an ass like that,

it was carrying our
lord and savior.

- Are you seriously

objectifying her right now?

- No, I'm not objectifying her.

I'm just looking at her ass.

What's up with you broads

making up words and shit.

I'm trying to

get my dick wet.

Talk to you later.

Anyway,

I feel like you can be Columbine

and I decide to shoot a bunch
of kids inside of you.

Hmm?

You know mid 90s,

you're a pog.

I just start slamming that shit.

Maybe you pull a Fonz

and just bang against
the jukebox til.

Incubus plays,

whatever that shit
is you're into.

Kati Perry?

Taylor Swift?

I don't know

how old we are yet.

Can you get a drink?

Do you need a drink?

- Hey Boss.

- Matthew.

- How's it going?

- Kevin, get

this bro a drink on me.

So scotch?

- Definitely.

Definitely scotch.

- I got this Highland
Park viking scotch.

Kevin suggested it.

- Viking's honor.

- Viking's honor.

Good for us Norwegians.

- Yeah, but you know
what's not good for us.

What the fuck is this
AA pamphlet doing here?

AA Elias in here?

- Yeah, he was just in here.

- I thought I saw that
snail trail leading in.

- Oh you heard about
that weekend, huh?

- Yeah.

The bender to remember.

- Alcoholics anonymous

suits people like him.

That was a hell of
a weekend for him.

I mean Jesus,

parents got to him
late Sunday night.

His liver's inflamed.

He's got the worst case of
chlamydia or gonorrhea.

That kid could not handle
a weekend of liqueur.

That was really,

I heard it was an epic weekend.

I heard it was a lot of fun.

- I saw him at the
beginning of that weekend.

He showed up with a
bottle of scotch

ready to roll.

- Oh yeah, he was a ball.

But yeah, I think
alcoholics anonymous

is the correct position for him.

I think that's the

great place for him.

- Hey,

coasters?

- I didn't see any.

Kevin, you got coasters?

- We're all out.

- AA works.

- AA works.

- Alright.

- Do you need someone to
co-sign a loan for you?

I don't know where
you're at in your life.

Would you like to see
how much of my penis

could fit in your mouth?

I think you could almost
get the whole thing.

You seem like you have

like a really

just can do attitude,

you know what I mean.

You're a fighter.

You're a survivor.

- Are you a letter?

- I've been told
that I'm a D before.

So.

- As in a douchebag?

- Like dick.

I don't know if it's a big
one, but it's a pretty cock.

It's nice to look at.

- Anyway.

Since you're a letter,

I'm gonna need you
to C your way out.

- Oh, that's funny.

I'm gonna need to see
you M on those tits.

- I was actually

one of your businesses today.

- Well thank you for
your patronage.

- Yeah.

- That's classic.

Alright, which
place were you at?

- Mini cinema.

- Did you wash your hands

before you shook my hand there?

- Shit.

- That's okay, that's okay.

- So it was weird.

I went in there

and I didn't see
Porn peddler Pete.

- Oh, he doesn't
work for me anymore.

- What happened?

- Well he pirated pornography.

I can't stand for that.

I mean when you
sell pornography,

you have to pay the taxes,

the rights,

all these different
fees towards it.

He didn't do that.

That's not right.

People spend a lot
of time and money

making pornography.

They should be paid

a living wage for such things.

Yeah, so he was
pirating pornography

all over town.

And I found out about it

and I had to let I'm go.

Broke his heart.

He loved that job.

- He did love that job.

Man, this whole time,

everybody thought you
were morally bankrupt.

I guess we were just
in a recession.

- Irony isn't it.

- Now you say it,

now I do remember
something about it.

I heard his house got raided.

Like the police came in,

swat team came in

and they found some
stuff in the basement.

- I didn't hear about this.

What?

- He had an archive
of secret things.

I mean it was almost
like Donnie Darko

and you realize Patrick Swayze

had like the

kiddie porn dungeon in there.

It wasn't like that.

It was a whole nother thing.

Raider porn.

- What's raider?

I've never heard
of a Raider porn.

What's Raider porn?

- It's when white supremacists

have furry parties

and they bang each other

and film it.

- But wait a minute.

How many animals in
the animal kingdom

are actually white?

- Like a snow leopard.

- You got doves.

Like an albino squirrel maybe.

- God man, a polar bear.

- Polar bear.

- Polar bear.

Yeah, polar bear.

- You know when it's
white supremacists

is all in the
missionary position.

So it's gonna be boring as hell.

- But wait a minute,

if a brown bear comes in

it just kind of throws
the whole thing off.

- Yeah.

They ain't letting this guy in.

Come on.

- Imagine he walks in,

do you mind if I dance
with your dates?

- Oh come on,

they're gonna worry about it.

They're gonna produce
some sort of skunk baby

in their minds.

Come on man.

That ain't gonna happen.

- Imagine a neo-Nazi

mid stroke in the
middle of raider porn

and a black bear walks in.

Allah, adult shop mop

and I'm soft.

- I mean hand job

even just,

I watch you, you watch me.

I would

eat ass,

but that would be like

eating at Benny Hannas

from the looks of things.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

For serious, oh big time.

- This is the best you can
do to pick up a girl?

- I mean,

the next one is either
pull out a wallet

or get you in one of my dad's
Nissan's or something.

I don't know

what you're currently,

your like current APR is

or what your

as far as lease
goes or anything,

but I can get you a car.

I can get you money.

Some fake titties, or something.

Whatever you want,

I would do it for you.

- Dude, I am too good for you.

- There's only one
way to find out.

And a lot of times,

like the big trend right now

I've seen online is for women

to like carry men.

I can be that piece
of shit boyfriend

that all your
friends joke about.

And you know, really though,

when you come home,

I'm...

- Dude, I've been
there, done that, so.

- You haven't done
this yet tough.

- Raider porn.

There's actually raider porn.

That's not a joke?

- No dude.

I'm dead serious.

- Why the hell did he have
raider porn in his basement?

- I don't know man.

He had like some weird, sick
little obsession in there.

And he kept going with it.

- And the cops

came for it.

Oh god.

- They did dude.

- Oh my god.

I bet his nice little
Methodist mother

lost it when she saw
the cops showing up

to get his raider
porn collection.

- He was always in to like

weird figure skating,

but maybe because it's like

usually white petite girls.

- Well he was an interesting,

he was an interesting duck.

- Always kind of floating
through the air,

maybe like a bird.

- A strange kid, a strange kid.

But,

I can forgive all that.

But you don't pirate pornography

because people are
not being paid

the proper taxes,
fees and residuals

that they are entitled to.

But raider porn,

that's a bridge too far.

- Oh my god.

Look at this sack of shit.

Look at him.

- Oh Christ.

That is worse than

having raider porn is being
a stand up comedian.

- I heard that porno
Pete was actually

saying that he was
watching that stuff

to build up a stand
up comedy act.

- So his

excuse was I have a raider
porn collection to...

- Work on a bit.

- To work on a bit.

I think I'd rather
be a porn hound

than be a stand up comedian.

That is like the
lowest of the low.

- God, can you imagine what
it would have been like

if we had to go around like

the community...

- You had to go door to door

and tell everybody
he was a standup.

I'm sorry.

I'm Pete, I live down at...

- I live within your community.

- Oh my god.

What was his Methodist
more upset about?

The fact that he was

peddling porn and
pirating it all over town

or that he's gonna be
a stand up comedian?

- Dude, I don't know.

It's got.

Oh my god.

- Speaking, yeah, Jesus,

speaking of the devil,

look at that sack of shit.

Oh my god.

- Oh my god.

How embarrassing would that be.

- See,

I bet his parents are so proud.

Oh my god.

- Oh yeah, definitely.

That guys is just driving like

a red mustang

with a canvas top convertible.

Not even a V8, a V6.

Automatic.

- It was a V8.

I hope I'm never

that low that I have to
do something like that

to garner attention.

- Oh dude.

I'd rather be sucking dick
from behind in the alley

making decent wage off of that

than to ever have to
speak any kind of

words into a microphone.

- Matt, please, let's
make a promise

that we never, ever have
to do standup comedy.

- Yeah.

- Real quick, bathroom,
three minutes.

- I don't want to.

- Behind this jukebox?

We fucking pull this thing out.

- I really don't want to.

- That's okay.

I'll watch you do some stuff.

- Indeed rather have the
Bros two times over

than I'd have you.

- That'd probably
feel about the same.

You got a little

nubby nubby in each hand.

A little corn holder.

If that's what you want,

I'll arrange it.

I know them.

- They don't like you though.

- No one really
does, but I mean.

- Then why are you here?

If no one likes you,
then why are you here?

Why don't you go fuck off?

Back to Douche land?

- I will do that.

If you change your mind,

- I'll be over here.
- I won't.

- That's okay.

- You might.
- So fuck off.

- I've got that thing

in the back of your mind.

You'll be thinking about it.

- Nope.
- Think about it.

- Fuck off.

- God.

I can't get any pussy
in this place.

I might as well go fucking
kings and queens.

- Jesus Christ dude,

you're objectifying that sliz.

- What does that even mean?

Objectifying?

You sound like one
of those broads man.

- You know,

loose morals,

a little bit of loose action.

That's what I mean.

- Yeah, then objectifying I was.

It's my objective all
night to do that.

Trying to find some clam, man.

A little slam clam.

Clam digger.

Anything I can do
to muff some duff.

- I didn't realize your
a shoreman yourself.

Nectar Wookie,

a lifeless idiot

whose whole existence

consists of following around
bands like Base Nectar.

When they're not out
selling bunk drugs,

veggie burritos and
grilled cheese,

they're often swiping drinks

and trying to borrow
literally everything

at music festivals.

A Nectar Wookie is the
natural enemy of a hipster,

kind of like in Twilight

with the vampires
and werewolves.

Hey, Kristen Steward is a jew.

Why else would she get
with a 100 year old guy

with a nice german car?

- I don't mean to cause alarm,

but doth my nostrils deceive me,

we have a nectar wookie

in our midst.

- Oh, I'm sorry yeah.

That's me.

I haven't,

I haven't showered
in a few weeks, so.

- Also, Bonoroo has a
bathroom in a few weeks.

- No, that's,

that's actually next week,

I'm pretty sure.

Yeah.

- I don't have marijuana.

That drink was not yours.

Bonoroo is that way.

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah, Phish is about
to take the stage man.

You should go.

- Guess what,

guess what,

Base Nectar

not on the jukebox.

How about you dubstep

walk away from the situation

you fucking wookie.

- Jesus, okay.

I'm sorry.

- Stay the fuck out
of gong fu, okay.

- By the way,

you guys have any mushrooms?

- Get the fuck out of here.

We don't have anything.

- Fucking Mark Walberg
in Rock Star.

- That's not a bad
movie, honestly.

- Hey, did you see what
happened to my drink?

- Sorry man.

The fucking woff took it.

- Sorry man.

- Thanks for looking out, man.

Bartender, get these
bros a drink on me.

- So bros, it's last call.

What are you thinking?

- Scotch.

- Scotch.

- Scotch?

- Scotch.

- Scotch.

- Better not be Doers.

- Alright, bros,

this is Singleton,

the Glenlive 12 year,

single malt.

You know about that, Harold.

- Hey, it's not Doers
guys, we're good.

- We'll pour it neat.

- You know what that means?

- No.

- Harold.

- Yes?

- You're pouring
it really quick.

That's neat man.

Neato.

- What I'm gonna do now

is I'm gonna put a
couple drops of water

in each one.

It changes the
molecular density.

It opens it up.

- Like a bouquet.

- Exactly.

- Like a lady's legs.

- With the best water

in the valley.

Actually in the world.

- Yep.

- Best hangover cure

right there.

Water.

- I wish we had some
Roy Orbesen records.

Is that how you
discard your scotch?

- Yeah, is there another way?

- My god, you're still doing

fucking Big League Chew?

- Fucking A right man,

cause I'm a pro.

- We should have
given him Doers.

- What is the next
plan of attack?

Cause this is a lot of
fun and all, but...

- I have a Lyft.

- Who?

- Somebody named Ling.

- No.

No, no, no, no.

Trust me.

I got pepper sprayed
by that broad.

No.

- I'm from Brooklyn,
you motherfucker.

- Wait, wait,

there's a Brooklyn in China?

- I sprayed her with my pepper.

- Oh, I think I heard of that.

Did she join AA
Elias after that?

- Oh hell yeah, she did.

- Okay.

- Oh yeah.

- Yeah I'd sober up if I
had to bang this guy.

- I'm just saying,

if I had my dick inside you you,

your gonna make some good
positive changes in life.

- My god.

Look, I'm gonna get on.

Uber right now.

I know I'm not gonna get
in the fucking Uber Jew.

- Oh, the Uber Jew.

Yah.

- Uber Jew?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- It seems a little

antisemitic and maybe
a bit tasteless.

- Oh my god.

It's not like I fucking called
in the sheeny shuttler.

Fucking kike cart dude.

Oh my god dude.

- I'm on the old hieve highway.

- Hey,

- I wouldn't say I'm gay.

But I've definitely done
some gay shit, dude.

- Yeah you have.

- Yeah.

- We're fully aware.

- You haven't?

No?

- No.

- Harold was never

partook in homosexual.

- You're gonna tell
me with that jacket,

and that beard you guys have
never done anything gay?

- Maybe watched the WNBA.

- I would tell you,

if you got more in touch

with your male side,

you might have,

I don't know,

more luck getting women.

- I actually prefer the WNBA.

It's more a team sport.

- The only reason you
like watching the WNBA

is because a lot of those ladies

have Adam's apples.

- I really appreciate
their talent.

- God, would you be in to it

if they did?

- No, dude.

I'm like a fucking
ancient Roman warrior.

That is the only reason why
me and my other male friends

have bonded in the
way that we have.

I wouldn't say it's
anything sexual about it.

It's more about

becoming brothers,

becoming closer than
you ever could.

Someone's life in your hands,

you want to really
trust somebody,

jerk that dick off.

You know what I mean.

You really learn a
lot about somebody.

- Achilles and
Hector, you are not.

- No, hell no.

I'm not gonna die because the
back of my fucking ankle

gets tweaked.

You know what I mean.

No, I'm

like Brad Pitt,

but more like Brad
Pitt in Snatch.

You know what the fuck I mean.

- You like dikes?

- Yeah.

Do I like dikes?

Or docks?

- Guys.

You like guys?

- Eh, I wouldn't
say I like them,

but if you've never had
a dude jerk you off,

you haven't lived.

The textile strength
that a man has

is so much better
than a woman's.

- Those calluses.

- It's like getting
a fucking handjob

from a ranch hand, you
know what I mean.

Just a good firm old
Midwestern hand shake.

You know what I'm talking about.

In fact,

let me show you.

From what I've learned by,

I don't know,

being amongst my fellow men,

I'm gonna teach that
lady over there

a thing or two

she's never seen.

I'm gonna get her to
suck my whole penis.

- Her?

- Yeah.

- Her?
- Yeah.

Tiddle biddies over there.

- Her?

- Her?

- Yes, let me,

let me show you guys, okay.

I'm, this is gonna be.

Trojan warrior

and that's my young squire.

- This is the
moment where Harold

is continually baffled
at how we are friends.

- Let me give you a
piece of advice.

- I wouldn't recommend this.

- I would not recommend this.

- Why?

She's too easy.

It's too easy of a kill?

It's like hunting
a wounded deer?

That's fine.

That's all I fucking hunt,

you know what I mean.

- I think Tyler
needs a challenge.

- I'll accept roadkill.

Yeah, absolutely.

- Okay.

- How about just enough funds

to go malt scotch

to appreciate this moment.

- You guys keep my seat warm.

I'll be getting my dick wet.

When I get back,

you guys can help dab it off

and tell me how great we did.

- He's always so rude.

I'm not a prude,

but I can see him
appreciating the crude.

- What's up girl?

Get you a drink?

- Yeah.

Like Red Bulls over here, baby.

- Sure, I love to smash
Red Bull vodkas with you

all night

and then you can
fuck me doggie style

while we watch the new season
of Blue Mountain State.

Do you like Nickleback
as much as I do?

- Yes.

- Yeah.
- Oh my god, yeah.

- I fucking love Tool.

Yeah.

- Pull my hair.

- You're towing my toolbox baby.

- Oh god.

Get this little tool
out right here.

- Why do you call it little?

- Damn, can I get a couple
vodka red bulls on her please?

- Wow, seriously?

- Uh uh.

- Who the fuck do
you think you are?

Do you think I'm just
some little tool shed

you can do whatever the
fuck you want with?

God, you are such a
typical Cedar Falls WASP

who probably only got
through high school

on the fact that daddy
owned a car dealership.

How many freshmen cheerleaders

have you had your dirty
little fingers in

after a lacrosse game?

Huh?

Go home.

Yeah, I can smell
them from here.

Go home,

wash off the Axe body spray

and wait for the next
time that your mom

signs you up

for a bachelor date night

at your town's failing
country club.

- Wow.

You blew it.

Guess who played piccolo
their freshman year.

Peace.

- Whatever.

Small penis.

- It's bigger than yours.

- I can't even see it
through your jeans.

Get out of here.

- That's cause they're dark.

- Oh, what gives Charlie Brown?

- Fuck you man.

I struck out.

- Her?

With her?

- Her?

- Yeah, I struck out with her.

What's happened to me?

- Fuck this.

- Like pirates

- I think it was Kirk tonight.

- Guys.

I'm calling in the
nuclear option.

- No.

Not the man who's had more girls

than anyone in Cedar Valley.

- Yes.

The sultan of sliz himself.

- I do admire that
man's sexual prowess.

- And send.

- She's doomed.
- Oh boy.

- Sir, you have a message.

- Tyler,

Matt,

Harold.

- Mr. Lance.

Now might be a real good time

for you to get horny.

- It's my secret, Matt.

I'm always horny.

- Mr. Lance.
- So cool.

- He called me Harold.

- Oh my god.

Are you Jeff Lance?

- You're goddamn right.

Bros, Jeff Lance.

- So what are you guys
doing after this?

- Going to Cornstalk
at Spicoli's.

- Oh really.

- I heard Carolina
Spine is playing.

- Caroline.

Spine.

- Caroline.

- Spine.
- Get it right.

- I'm sorry.

- You know that song
about Waterloo, right.

- Yes, called Mrs. Sullivan.

- Okay, so like about this
Sullivan brothers and

all that jazz.

Okay, okay.

- So oh my god, right,

we gotta go.

- Yep, gotta go.

- Let's do this.

- Carolina Spine.

- Alright guys seriously,

get on the fucking horns.

We need a driver.

We gotta get down man.

Caroline's Spine.

- Okay, got it.

- Look at this, the initiative,

I love it.

Tyler the tool.

Does that say fucking Grinder?

- Yeah dude,

trying to get my
butt hole licked.

- Can't meet a woman
with a tongue strength

that I require.

- Tyler,

cool it with the
butt stuff, bros.

I've done it.

- You got a ride?

- I'm a miracle worker.

- It can't be Lyft.

- Doth my eyes deceive me.

- There's this asian lady,

I climbed her great wall

like I was Mongolian.

Genghis Khan up in that bitch.

- This,

this is as poetic
as Silvia Plath.

It is.

- Silvia Plath?

- It most certainly is.

- The chick that
wrote Frankenstein?

- Harold's eyes doth
not deceive him.

- Oh my god.

They should have sent a poet.

- They did.

- Like Robert Frost?

- It's gold doth stay.

- The Uber Jew,

the Jewish Uber driver

who is very Jewish,

hence he is.

Uber Jew,

the greatest uber driver ever.

Fucking love that hebe.

Hey, he

who finds faithful friend

finds a treasure.

That's a Jewish proverb.

- Hey,

Bros got room for one more?

- Tanner!

- Hey.

- Turtles Reunion tour?

- You got to sit in the back.

- You got to sit bitch.

- Okay.

- Oh my god.

There hasn't been

anyone

as happy to see a Jew

since I don't know,

the disciples on first Easter.

- Starting with that
right away, huh.

- Wait, so why are
you back here again?

- Well, I moved back.

The cost of living in

Chicago was a little
too high for me.

- Were you really
in Chicago though?

Were you in Logan Square?

- I don't believe we've met.
- Or more like Evanston?

- Well Schaumburg actually.

- I'm Harold.

No, we have not
had the pleasure.

- Yeah, I was gonna say

I would remember that beard.

- Is it reminiscent
of mahogany and ash?

- No.

- Dude, that fucking
hat is sick.

I gotta get me one of those

with gold on it.

And instead of the star,

maybe use something like a knife

or like a or something.

- I think that would
be a little much.

You know I have to say,

I'm a little surprised.

- Oh.

- To see

a hipster,

a tool,

and bros all in the same car.

I'm a little proud of you guys.

I am.

- Is it breaking your heart

that we're ride
sharing right now?

- Kind of makes you wonder why

Israel and Palestine
can't get along.

- You know, there's
actually more to that.

- I know.

- And just like that crystal

knocked the whole
coverup bullshit

you guys came up with.

I know a fucking scam

when you're trying to get that

window pane insurance money.

My dad sold them.

I know that he...

- Hey Tyler,

Crystal knock knock.

- Who's there?

- An inside job.

- And six million less Jews.

- You guys have not
changed one bit.

- Why did you come back.

You were with your
bubby you said.

And you were gonna
work for your uncle.

- Well,

it ended up not working out.

- Is it bubby or booby?

- I'm not as good with the money

as I thought I was.

- That's the first you

I will ever admit that joke.

- So you weren't quite
making six figures?

- We won't talk about it.

- They can't even
make six inches.

- What are you doing?

Just rubbing nickles together

to making our money or what?

- Oh, I've missed you guys.

I really have.

- I just can't believe
we found you on the app.

It was a Christmas miracle.

Oh sorry, a Hanukkah miracle.

- Yes.

- Does Hanukkah have miracles?

- You can say Christmas.

I'm not offended.

- I don't want to offend.

I just want to be
historically accurate.

- We're not offended
that you killed Christ.

- You know I really
love riding with you.

You give us road scotch.

- Road scotch.

- Jesus Christ,

Glen Levit.

- At least it's single malt.

- Yeah.

- What, were they out
of Cutty Sark or what?

- Hey, you never
know when someone's

gonna stiff you.

I can't reach for the top shelf.

- You're like fucking Pauly

drinking.

- Even the middle shelf.

- Like that time
Piccolo's had Doers.

Jesus.

- I thought they
didn't have Doers.

I thought they had

like Lauders.

- Harold had water that evening.

- Yeah.

- What's your middle name?

- What's your date of birth?

- Oh my goodness,

I do not have time
for this, okay.

I work two jobs,

got a kid.

I'm getting crow's feet.

Okay, I just want to
go to the concert.

- Hmm, well head on in.

- Sounds good to me.

- She looks pretty good for 46.

- 105.7 KOKZ,

Iowa's classic hits.

My name is Craig Lowey.

You know where you
need to be tonight.

You need to be at
Spicoli's in Waterloo

because a fantastic
band is coming to town.

Jimmy Newquist and
Caroline's Spine

are gonna be in town.

I know these guys
for a long time.

They have the hit song,

Sullivan, among others.

We definitely want
you to get out

and support

not only Spicoli's,

but Jimmy Newquist and
Caroline's Spine.

If you've never seen them live,

you are certainly missing out.

And we want you to experience.

Caroline's Spine tonight,

Spicoli's in Waterloo.

Check it out.

- Erin McCool.

My life changed.

How are you?

- Cool dude.

- I prefer a handshake.

- Hey guys, this
is James Patrick

at Rock 108.

Make sure you get to
Spicoli's tonight

cause for one night only,

Jimmy Newquist,

Caroline's Spine

rocking the hell
out of Spicoli's.

So make sure you're
there tonight.

- Harry, how's it going?

- It's be better if
you'd call me Harold.

- I keep forgetting.

- I prefer it.

- Well Harold, I got
something special for you.

Here's something that
you'll actually prefer

more than our water selection.

- Or your Doers?

- Or our Doers.

Alright, would Harold
approve of this?

- Harold would approve.

- I'll pour you one up.

- It's better than Doers.

- There you are, Harold.

- You could have done
without the ice, but.

- Hey, welcome back to the show

on press roll with
the sports guy.

I'm Gary Rime

along with my in studio producer

and cohost to the program,

Chris Gobinacker.

We affectionately call him

the sports stud.

Hey sports stud,

I got a memo here.

Caroline's Spine

is playing in
Waterloo at Spicoli's

on University Avenue tonight.

Hey wasn't there
a Caroline Spine

that was a great
American figure skater?

- You're close, Sports Guy.

Caroline Zont,

and she is a great
American figure skater

that is a three time
champion figure skater.

- Awesome.

Hey Sports Stud,

you know there's a

two time champion right
here from Waterloo,

the Cedar Valley court kings,

our minor league
basketball team.

- You're right Sports Guy,

back to back Midwest league
basketball champions.

- Not to mention
out own champions

on the ice,

on their skates,

the Waterloo
Blackhawks Hockey Team

Anderson Cup Champions.

- It's impressive stuff.

- Oh, baby.

I love these teams.

- What's going on boys?

- What's up?

- Drink it you pig.

- Yeah.

- It's a good night.

Wow man, nice penises boys.

You especially.

Shit man.

- Dude,

no homo man.

- What do you mean?

No, there's nothing
gay about that.

It's just me applauding
another man's gift.

God clearly has blessed
this young man.

- You're buying drinks, right?

- I'll put them on your tab.

Easy boys.

- See you.

- This is a song that
introduced me to you guys.

♪ It's not hard to reach
back into a day ♪

♪ Underneath that Iowa sun ♪

♪ Running to the
tower of Waterloo ♪

♪ Looking for the
Sullivan's train to come ♪

♪ And his five boys
would run to the top ♪

♪ And salute him as he went by ♪

♪ First we'd wave hello ♪

♪ Then we'd wave goodbye ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ It's not hard to reach
back to the days ♪

♪ After the attack on Pearl ♪

♪ Overnight my buddies
turned into men ♪

♪ Running out of time
for games and girls ♪

♪ And the Sullivan boys
were not overlooked ♪

♪ Uncle Sam calling
each by name ♪

♪ The very next day they
left on a mystery train ♪

♪ Say goodbye, bye, bye, Mrs.
Sullivan ♪

♪ And don't you cry,
cry, cry, cry, cry ♪

♪ We regret to inform you ♪

♪ The Navy has taking
your sons away ♪

♪ All five, five, five, five ♪

♪ So put your blue
stars in the window ♪

♪ Your window ♪

♪ It's not hard to reach
back to her smile ♪

♪ When she'd receive a letter ♪

♪ And the letters they
sounded generally the same ♪

♪ Said if they
couldn't be home ♪

♪ At least they were together ♪

♪ On a mighty
fighting battleship ♪

♪ Somewhere in the
South Pacific ♪

♪ The letters never got
much more specific ♪

♪ Say goodbye, bye, bye, Mrs.
Sullivan ♪

♪ And don't you cry,
cry, cry, cry, cry ♪

♪ We regret to inform you ♪

♪ The Navy is keeping
your sons away ♪

♪ All five, five, five, five ♪

♪ So keep your blue
stars in the window ♪

John, can you bring the
lights down a little bit?

Jut bring them on down a bit?

♪ It's not hard to reach
back to the day ♪

♪ When the war
finally came home ♪

♪ Uncle Sam, he'll
send you a telegram ♪

♪ So he doesn't have to
tell you over the phone ♪

♪ I heard she cracked up ♪

♪ When they found out
what the war could cost ♪

♪ When all five of her boys ♪

♪ Were lost ♪

♪ They were ♪

♪ They were ♪

♪ They were ♪

♪ Say goodbye, bye, bye, Mrs.
Sullivan ♪

♪ Go ahead and cry ♪

♪ Go ahead and cry ♪

♪ We regret to inform you ♪

♪ That all your sons
have passed away ♪

♪ All five, five, five, five ♪

♪ So change your
blue star to gold ♪

♪ Blue star to gold ♪

♪ Blue star to gold ♪

♪ Come on mommy ♪

♪ Change them to gold ♪

- This is how it usually goes

in about every town.

People grow up.

They get married.

They have kids.

They move on.

The good times are
cherished and remembered.

When you see the wold guy
at the bar by himself,

drinking,

he was a bro one day too.

There are five Sullivan Bros

from this town

that would have loved
to have been back here.

I try to remind myself of
that as much as possible.

- Hey, it's Corey
Ford with KFUK radio.

Okay, fuck Cedar Falls.

It's gonna be a
great day in Iowa.

It's gonna be a great day
in the Cedar Valley.

Our future

is bright.

And for the very last time,

this one goes out to the bros.

♪ They hate you for the reason ♪

♪ Found out all your faults ♪

♪ They hid behind ♪

♪ Picture perfect lies ♪

♪ They found you in the corner ♪

♪ Dusting for fingerprints ♪

♪ From pages painted pretty ♪

♪ Pictures of your sins ♪

♪ Give me ig-ig-ignorance ♪

♪ Give what you can give ♪

♪ Ig-Ig-Ignorance ♪

♪ Hit them with ♪

♪ What they give ♪

♪ Alright now ♪

♪ Put it on-on-on the table ♪

♪ Watch for shifting eyes ♪

♪ Serving cold revenge ♪

♪ With a side of spite ♪

♪ But satisfaction
don't come easy ♪

♪ But to take it all with ease ♪

♪ Well I guess them guests ♪

♪ All just better leave ♪

♪ Give me ig-ig-ignorance ♪

♪ Give what you can give ♪

♪ Ig-Ig-Ignorance ♪

♪ Hit them with ♪

♪ What they give ♪

♪ Alright now ♪

♪ Ignorance ♪

♪ Give what you can give ♪

♪ Ignorance ♪

♪ Hit them with ♪

♪ What they give ♪

♪ Ignorance ♪

♪ Give what you can give ♪

♪ Ignorance ♪

♪ Hit them with ♪

♪ What they give ♪

♪ Give them ignorance ♪

♪ Give what you can give ♪

♪ Ignorance ♪

♪ Hit them with ♪

♪ What they give ♪

♪ Give them ignorance ♪

♪ Give what you can give ♪

♪ Ignorance ♪

♪ Hit them with ♪

♪ What they give ♪