BBC Special: Odd One Out (2019) - full transcript
The Little Mix singer opens up about the impact cyberbullies have had on her life and on her mental health and meets others who have been the victims of horrific online trolling.
This programme contains some strong
language and some scenes which some
viewers may find upsetting.
Right, guys, we're shooting now.
You put him back in the car,
did you, Jan? No.
My mum is terrified
about me making this documentary.
She cried the other day.
Mum?
Oh, you've got him.
My mum is so protective.
Oscar? Come on, boy. Come on, then.
I think that it terrifies her,
knowing
that I could go back to the person
I used to be five years ago.
In 2011, I was on X Factor.
I was put into a girl group called
Little Mix and we were all told
that we had to have social media.
And it completely changed my life.
The whole world had an opinion on me
and they weren't good ones.
From the minute
them comments started,
it became the worst time of my life.
I wasn't known as just one
of the singers in Little Mix.
I was known as the fat ugly one.
It literally consumed
every part of me.
Oh, this is a joke!
I hate costumes!
Look at this. Excess material.
Then, look - everyone's going
to think I've got rolls,
and it's not rolls,
it's just extra material.
Nobody's going to think you've
got rolls. Yes, it is, look!
I hit such a low point in my life
that I just stopped turning up
for work.
Little Mix's Jesy Nelson had
to cancel at the very last minute.
One user wrote, quote,
"Kill your BLEEP self."
What they said to me
still affects me now.
I just looked shit and
uncomfortable.
This is something I've wanted
since being a little girl
until these bullies
did what they did.
It doesn't matter whether
you're in the public eye or not,
you cannot get away
from social media,
and it's ruining
a lot of people's lives.
And the comments, people were
telling me to, like, kill myself.
We all need to talk more about
how this is really making us feel.
Where's my Jessica?
Come 'ere!
Come 'ere!
Oh! Upsy daisy!
As a kid, I just always wanted
to be in front of the camera.
I just loved entertaining people.
And so, it sounds bad,
but when I was at school
there was no other way for me.
I didn't...
There was no fall-back.
It was either I perform or...
..I guess I'll be skint for the rest
of me life!
# Running in and out my life...#
I've always been obsessed with
X Factor. Like, I just love it.
So, when I was a barmaid,
I constantly used to watch it
in the bar and just think,
"I know I can win that."
And I genuinely believe
that if you can envision something,
you can make it happen.
Will we go for a little walk?
Come on, then.
Oh, God. He's off already!
Come on, Oscar.
Being in Little Mix
is just the best thing
that's ever, ever happened to me.
This is my...
..my awards and my achievements.
If I am having a down day, I do
like to just casually pop up here
and look at what I've achieved.
This is probably one of
my favourites, you know,
out of all the awards that we have.
This isn't an award.
This is like a little memorabilia
of when we did One Love Manchester.
As much as like,
a horrific incident had happened,
everyone was in such good spirits
and I think that's
when you feel incredibly lucky
to be in this industry,
cos you really see how much
your music affects people.
Cos sometimes I forget
that I am in a girl band
who's done, like, quite well.
And then when I come up here
I'm like, "I've done quite good
for myself!"
A girl who come from Dagenham
who was a barmaid. Yeah.
Jess is in the middle,
then there's her elder sister, Jade,
elder brother Johnny,
and then a younger brother, Joe.
I've more or less brought them up
myself since they were younger.
I split with their dad.
I remember we moved away
and we rented a house.
I bought mattresses -
we just slept on mattresses.
Couldn't afford a fridge, so I put,
used to put the milk
out in the garden.
Get some ice
and put it out in the garden.
It was like that for a long time.
I remember being at a till, and you
know one of them annoying people,
and I know I was that person, I'd
get it and not add it up properly
and then it'd come too much
and I'd be, oh, put that back,
and you'd see people in the queue
tutting at you, weren't they?
But that's how it was, you know?
I found it hard to get out of
that habit as well.
I'm still quite tight now.
Mummy! Hello, darling.
Are you all right? Are you OK? Yeah.
Are you OK, Momma? Yeah, are you?
Yeah, good, thank you.
Will I take my shoes off? Yeah.
Jesy lives nearby, so that's...
All my kids live nearby, really.
So, I see her as much as I can.
A bit too much, probably.
I'm a bit of an over-protective mum,
really, I think, especially where
Jesy's concerned,
cos of what's happened in the past.
Erm... I can't let go, really.
I know I should!
Did you get any old photos? Oh,
yeah. I'll get them out. Did you?
From when? How old?
Oh, when you were a baby!
JESY LAUGHS
Oh, my God, I look like
a cabbage patch doll!
Why is my head so big and round?!
JESY'S MUM LAUGHS
I mean, my attire wasn't helping.
These - you look your most stunning.
THEY BOTH LAUGH
I just always wanted to make people
laugh, didn't I? I know.
I'd make you take me to this joke
shop, where I could just buy all the
weirdest things
to make people laugh, and I'd just
walk around with these teeth
in all the time!
It was such a strange child!
But, look, how innocent. You're
all sweet and innocent here, look.
If my mum could, she would have me
go back to looking like this.
Of course I would. Yeah. Look.
Sometimes I want to tell you
for your own sake,
I think, her make-up,
it's just too much,
like, your eyelashes are too long
and you don't need to do all that.
You just don't need to do it,
cos natural is the best.
But I'm also a woman now
and I enjoy make-up, I like it.
Most girls like make-up, Mum, and
like, and like doing themselves up.
I enjoy that. I wish you could see
the way I see you with no make-up
on,
cos I just think you look lovely.
Cos I always say, I just
wish it was back to normal
and we could have life
back as it was!
And have my little,
little...funny little Jess back.
Oh, I am so proud. And when I watch
her on stage, I still get excited,
you know? I'm laddish,
cheering in the crowd!
And, erm, yeah, but as much
as I love all that,
and people will like, people must
think, "How can you say that?"
If I could have back my Jess
as she was before,
I'd change it like that. Yeah.
Not have the X Factor,
not have any of that.
Cos I miss HER.
I just feel like I've kind
of lost Jess to social media.
And they're, like, just addicted
to what people are saying.
As a kid I was very,
very confident.
I never had any issues with the way
I looked, with my weight.
Until everything changed.
The winner of The X Factor 2011...
CROWD CHEERS
..is...
..Little Mix!
The night we won X Factor,
everyone was just literally on cloud
nine, and I remember going back
to the hotel room with Leigh-Anne.
And I remember, I think I had about
101 inbox messages
on my Facebook,
and I remember clicking on it.
And the first one that come up
was from, I don't know who it was,
some random man, and he was like,
"You are the ugliest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
"You do not deserve
to be in this girl band.
"How on Earth were you ever put in
this girl band? You deserve to die."
And I remember thinking...
"..how, how have I just won
The X Factor,
"and all I want to do is go home
and just go back to being a
barmaid?"
I just wanted to just go back
to my normal life.
And I just was like, "There's
nothing I do about this now, I'm in
it."
Let's go, jab. Two, four...
Good. Nice. Double jab.
From the minute them comments
started, it just got worse and worse
and it just spiralled
out of control.
I've never looked at myself and
thought that I was abnormal looking.
And that's how I was made to feel.
I'm her big sister, so it hurt,
obviously, seeing her so hurt.
When the bullying was really bad,
she became very withdrawn,
couldn't really have
much conversation with her.
And normally, she'd be, like,
the chattiest person in the world.
It just wasn't nice to see.
Back then, I used to read these,
and just cry myself to sleep.
"Bless Jesy, #LittleMix.
"She's trying to look like the rest.
Well, stop.
"You're fat,
and you look like a chipmunk."
"Jesy is getting fatter each week."
"Jesy has lost a lot of weight."
"They probably could have made
a fifth member with everything
"that has been sucked out of her."
"She's been at the pick and mix."
"Little Mix, four members,
five chins."
"Fat people should not
wear tight leggings,
"just look at Jesy from Little Mix."
"The fat one from Little Mix looks
like Miss Piggy from The Muppets."
"I just worked out, if you shaved
Jesy's head from Little Mix,
"she looks exactly like ET."
From the minute I won X Factor,
I was a different girl.
I wasn't Jesy, the barmaid,
like, the happy, confident girl
that I used to be,
I was this vulnerable...
..nervous wreck the whole time.
The shit is that I could not
change my mind-set.
I couldn't make myself happy.
When we do interviews,
everyone says,
"Oh, do you ever watch your..."
Oh! Everyone says,
"Do you ever
watch old videos back of you
"when you were on X Factor?"
And I can't.
Like, I actually,
like, can't watch them back,
because it just makes me so sad,
and it's the time of my life
that I will never get back.
My brain started to believe
everything that people
were saying about me.
She said, "People send pictures
of, like, my body
"and put a monster's head
on the body."
She said, "And now," she said,
"I look in the mirror,
"and I don't see me any more.
"I just see, like, I literally see,
like, a monster looking back at me."
She said, "And everyone says that,
so I must look like that."
I felt embarrassed.
I felt ashamed.
It got so bad, to the point
where I couldn't even bring myself
to get out of bed in the morning,
and I just stopped
turning up for work.
Jesy! We miss her!
I remember getting pulled into
an office by someone I worked with
at the time, and they said,
"This can't continue. I think
you need to go on antidepressants."
And I remember thinking,
"Why should I go on antidepressants
"because of what people
are saying about me?"
SONG: Bounce Back
# Steady, are you ready?
# Are you ready?
# What's going on?
# What's going on?
# Tell me what you know about me
# Welcome to the city
where it's sweet
# You know I'll be taking
Vita-D... #
We are here because we are going to
record our brand-new single. Yeah!
They're excited.
# However do you want me?
# However do you need me?
# However do you want me?
# Bring the bounce back,
bring the, bring the bounce back
# However do you need me?
# Bring the bounce back, bring the,
bring the bounce back... #
Whoo! Yay!
It's on point. Yay!
It's on point.
Are you crazy?
When I'm listening to it, I'm like,
"I know I can do better than that."
What?! You're perfect on that.
Like, that record is a vibe.
OK. 100%. Mm-hm.
I just feel like I'm really lazy,
and it sounds a bit nothingy.
# Are you ready?
# What's going on? Oh.
# Are you ready?
# Are you ready? #
She is a little bit of a nightmare
when it comes to, like, video shoots
and photoshoots,
and approving things, and it has
been a bit hard within the group.
# Are you ready? #
I feel more pressure with you,
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. It's all right.
I think people don't realise
the effects of what bullying
and trolling can actually
do to someone.
The trolls took away, like, her love
for it, and, like, her passion.
But how does she get that back?
How does she...
How does she go back to...feeling
confident and feeling amazing, like,
from all that shit
that happened to her?
The three of us, like, as her mates,
just didn't know what to do
and just had to sort of watch this
amazing, funny girl sort of become
a bit like a broken doll,
it was horrible.
We didn't have a control over
what people were saying about her
in the press and in the magazines,
and on social media.
And you can't hide her
from the world.
It was a constant thing
that just kept eating away at her,
and eating away at her,
and then it got to the point,
where she, literally, I don't think
she could handle it any more.
I think it might have been 2013,
when I'd lost quite a bit of weight.
We were going back on X Factor
to perform our new single...
..and I didn't give a shit if the
performance was going to be good,
all I cared about
was people seeing me and going,
"She looks good. She's lost weight."
Like, that's all I wanted people to
say when they saw the performance.
SONG: Move
# Get your back off the wall
# Don't you get comfortable... #
And I just, literally,
I starved myself for a week.
I didn't eat anything, so I thought,
"If I eat, then I'm going
to put on weight and then people
"are going to call me fat."
And then the next day,
the first interview that we had,
the lady come in, and she said,
"Have you seen what's been said
about you online, Jesy?"
Katie Hopkins
just basically called you fat.
All I remember feeling at that time
was, "What's the fucking point?"
I've just starved myself for a week,
and I'm still getting called fat,
so I could be the skinniest girl
in the world,
and this is never going to go away.
And that was the pinnacle point
for me when I got severely,
severely depressed and it just
spiralled out of control.
And I remember being
in a restaurant with my mum.
I just kept looking around.
I was just on edge the whole time
because I just kept thinking
people were talking about me,
and I remember my mum saying,
"Oh, Jesy, what's wrong with you?"
She was just like, "Just relax."
I just didn't want to be there,
cos I was just so worried
about everyone else around me.
And I remember leaving, I went home,
and I just sat in bed
and I was just crying, thinking,
"This is never..." Sorry.
I just remember thinking,
"This is never going to go. Like,
I'm going to constantly wake up
"and just feel sad for the rest
of my life, so what is the point
in being here?" There's no point
waking up and feeling sad every day
because...I couldn't, like, I
physically, like, couldn't tolerate
the pain any more
that it felt like...
It just, like, the only way
I can describe the pain
is that it feels like,
if you've ever been heartbroken
in your life, is it just feels
like constantly feeling heartbroken.
And I remember thinking,
"I just need to make this go away
"and it was the first time I thought
I'm going to do this,
"I'm going to...I'm just going
to end this."
And I just remember going
to the kitchen, and I just took
as many tablets as I could.
And then I just laid in bed
for ages,
and I just kept thinking, like,
"Just let it happen, just hurry up,
"just let it happen,"
like, and then, I remember,
my ex, who was with me at
the time... I remember he woke up,
and he was like, "Why are
you crying? Why are you crying?"
And I just kept saying, "I just
want to die. I just want to die."
And he was like, "Why are you saying
that for? Why are you saying that?"
And I was like, "Because I do,
I just want it to go away."
And he, like, was trying
to make me be sick in the bathroom.
And, then, yeah,
and then the ambulance came.
I remember the doctor said to me,
"You're so lucky that you didn't
take any more," he was like,
"because that would have been it.
"You could have done severe,
severe damage to yourself."
I remember feeling really angry
at all those people.
I wanted to just find every
single person that had ever said
anything horrible to her, and just
look them in the eye and say, like,
"Look what you've done
to this girl!"
Cos every single person
that said something
should have been held accountable
for making her feel like that.
That was just horrible.
Knowing your child's done that and,
you know what the worst thing was?
Was knowing she was, like,
literally, she lived
three minutes' walk from me,
so I was probably in bed
and she'd done that to herself.
And knowing your...
It's just horrible.
And knowing...can we stop
there, please? Stop.
Yeah, it's just, um...it's
just horrible.
You're just laying there
going to sleep
and you know one of your children
are trying to kill themselves.
I just felt...
..felt like a bad mum, really.
When you're in that state of mind,
all you care about
is just taking that pain away.
You don't ever... That sounds so bad
to say, but you don't think
about the people
that you're going to leave behind.
You just want the physical pain
that you're feeling to stop.
TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT:
You're travelling to Preston.
I feel so glad that I'm still here,
but I know that cyberbullying
and trolling
has had a devastating effect
on young people and their families
all over the country.
I'm going to meet the parents
of a young girl, who, like me,
was targeted online.
Hello. I like this filter.
Nowadays, whether you're famous
or not, you cannot get away
from social media.
And, for Sian Waterhouse,
it was all too much.
Just over a year ago,
she took her own life.
She was only 16 years old.
Hello. Hiya. How are you? All right.
Are you? I'm Ann, Sian's mum.
Lovely to... I'll give you a cuddle.
Hello. Lovely to meet you.
Hiya. This is Sian's dad. Hello.
How are you? Lovely to meet you.
And you.
Thank you so much for seeing me
and talking to me today.
Can you tell me about Sian?
I can describe her as
a female human version of Tigger.
Cos she just bounced and skipped,
wherever she went.
Yeah. Yeah.
And it was lovely to see.
She was always, like,
in her own little world, and...
Yeah.
Always smiling, always smiling.
She always made friends easy.
That's us swimming with her.
Aw, that's such a gorgeous picture!
The dolphins.
And that's her last school picture.
Oh, my God! She's stunning.
Yeah, but I don't think she really
believed how beautiful she was.
Mm-hm. She didn't see what we saw,
you know. Yeah.
Was it her looks and her appearance
that she was bullied for?
Yeah, I think so.
Mainly, when she came home,
or late at night. Right.
Facebook. Yeah. Group chats.
Urgh. Mm.
It's awful. Isn't it? Yeah.
Did you notice the difference in her
as a person, and her confidence?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
She wouldn't go out much.
She'd rather be at home in her
bedroom... Yeah.
Where she feels safe. Yeah, she did.
It's exactly as she left it.
Make-up, everything everywhere.
Even her boots are still there.
Oh, yeah. It's just...the first
door up there. Thank you.
Aw.
JESY SIGHS
It's just so frustrating to see
these pictures of her, because...
..she obviously was such a gorgeous,
happy girl, and to think that
these people just completely
took that away from her
and made her that sad
that she wanted to do this.
I can't...
The fact that her mum
can't even come up into her room
just makes me feel so sad.
Like, she won't ever, ever
see her little girl again.
I just think these people
just have no idea
the effect that it has on people.
I don't want to be in here any more.
It's really weird going into a room,
where nothing's been touched,
like, everything's still the same.
It's weird. I feel like she's
still there, it's really strange.
It looks like how I leave my room.
I think people say things
and don't even realise the effect
that it's going to have on someone.
Right. Oh, give me a cuddle.
Oh, Ann.
I just think she's at peace now.
Yeah. Nobody can hurt her. Yeah.
That's the way you've got to see it,
yeah. As hard as it is.
You know, I just...
I do feel her here.
You know, I'll come down
in a morning, and I'll shout,
"Morning, Sian."
What do you think could be done
to stop this from happening
to other young people?
Do you think that social media
have a responsibility,
like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter?
Cos, obviously, anyone can go
on there and say whatever they like.
Yeah, I think
they should be a lot more.
I mean, this last time,
they made a false account up
of Sian's back from the dead.
Oh, my God! And there were
some really awful things.
So, me and Pud went to the police
about it... Yeah.
..and even the police said,
"We don't even have a phone number
for Facebook."
He says, "And it'll be a false
account. You can't trace it."
I've tried getting in touch
with Facebook,
because, when they did
this nasty account... Yeah.
..Sian's proper Facebook
got took down as well. Right.
..so I've, like, messaged
Facebook... Mm.
..time and time, asking them
if they could reactivate it,
as we've got... Yeah.
She's got pictures on there,
we've got messages... Mm-hm.
..and they don't even respond.
Everything round, like here,
is what people brought me.
I mean, I've been lucky.
We've all stuck together. Yeah.
You know, and I think you need to
with something like this. Mm.
Her friends set up a balloon
release on the promenade...
Yeah. ..which is... That was all the
balloons that were released...
Aw! ..and people also
painted pink pebbles...
Yeah. ..and put them
all over the wall.
Amazing!
Now you're safe up high
Shoulder to shoulder
with angels you fly
No-one can touch you
in your resting place
And no-one can hurt you
now that you're safe
I wake each morning
to start a new day
But the pain of losing
you never goes away
I want to call you
and just hear your voice
Then I remember
that I have no choice
Some day I know all will be well
And I'll see you again with stories
to tell
Until then, my memories of you
I'll keep near
And I'll pass them on
to those who are dear
I miss you, Sian and I
wish you were still here.
Sorry for getting upset.
Can I give you a cuddle? Yeah, sure.
Sorry. I feel like it's so weird.
I feel like, even just you talking
about her, I feel like I know her
and it's really sad.
I just think you are so brave.
You and Ann are so brave.
I don't think I've ever met two
parents as incredible and as strong
as Sian's parents.
And for me, that, like,
really, really hit home.
I had the opportunity to overcome
all of the trolling that I suffered.
But what I find so incredibly
devastating is that Sian
never got that opportunity.
We just live in a social
media-obsessed world now,
and I find that so scary, because
now, kids growing up
don't know any different.
It's so important to teach kids
at a young age
and make them aware
that bullying isn't OK
and this is the effects that it has,
and this is what one comment
can do to someone's life.
I've come along to a class,
organised
by an anti-bullying charity,
to see how they're teaching kids
how to deal with online abuse.
Show of hands if you think
social media's good?
Yeah? I'm in between. I'm this.
Why do you think social media's bad?
I think there's more negatives
than positives,
like, being able to say
whatever you like.
Some things may hurt other people,
and the thing is you can't always
track down who it is.
Yeah. It's anonymous.
Yeah.
So, why do you think social media
is for the good? Or halfway there?
For the good?
For me personally, I think it's
good, cos I get to interact with
fans.
Yeah. Which is amazing.
But then there's, like, downsides
with, like, trolling and, yeah,
it's just quite negative sometimes.
Yeah, it's quite mixed, isn't it...
Yeah. ..social media?
You can have the good sides, but
also the quite negative sides.
Yeah. Thank you.
So, I'm going to talk to you a bit
about the bystander effect.
So, a bystander is someone who sees
or knows about bullying or other
forms of violence that is happening
to someone else, but takes no action
to address it or report it.
Hannah herself was bullied
from a very young age
about the colour of her hair
and her appearance.
These are some of the things that
people have said.
Freak. Ugly.
Now she's 17, she's using her own
experience to try and help protect
others.
How would you help Jesy or I
in this situation?
What are some of the things
that you could do?
You could message the person who
posted a picture and say, "Don't
listen to them.
"You look really pretty in that."
Yeah, exactly.
Use positive language instead
of negative language.
Why do you think these comments
and post-it notes are in the pocket?
They still stay with you.
Maybe they're hidden away somewhere
in the back of your mind,
but they still do stay.
Exactly.
The words that people use,
whether they choose to use
them positively or negatively,
they have a permanency
and they stick with us. Exactly.
I found being in that class
really inspiring.
I loved how many kids wanted to
learn about how to stop bullying
and how to help other kids
at school.
I just feel like if I'd have had
that at school,
it might have, yeah,
helped me a lot more.
MANY: Hi!
Hannah's invited me to meet a group
of other young people
who have also been targeted
by online bullies.
I think it's really important that
you are here today and doing this.
I know that a lot of you have been
through your own things
and I thought it'd be nice for us
all to share our own experiences
with each other.
Yes. Yeah? So glad to hear that!
THEY LAUGH
Yeah.
I don't mind kicking this off.
So, like, when I was younger
in school, we're talking 13, 14,
it was a lot
of, like, texting, the anonymous
calls.
Literally, "You're a fat fuck.
There's no point you even being
here.
"You're just eating all the food
supplies," and that's literally...
It was on and on and on.
I would get DMs from
random people I don't know
from wherever and they'd be pictures
or videos of really explicit
content.
Men performing acts over pictures
of mine or videos of mine
and just be like, "Oh,
this is what you deserve.
"You're just there to be used."
I've been picked on because of,
like, my height and I'm very skinny,
so, like, I went to the gym for a
long time to try and get myself,
like, a little bit bigger,
cos I thought that was,
like, the best way to look because
of, like, that's what society wants.
But then at the end of the day,
there are people out there
that, like, are happy with the way
I look and I should be happy
with the way I look as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got told that my face is very
deformed and that I should chop my
head off
so that they don't have to
look at me any more.
It was only actually a few weeks
ago,
someone said to me that I've gained
a lot of weight
and that if I could just control
it I'd be pretty again. Oh, God.
But I was bullied online when I was
about 18 by my ex's friends.
And one day I had enough and I told
them, you know,
"Stop bullying me otherwise
I'm going to go to the police,"
and they said, "Just go kill
yourself."
And I'm not embarrassed now to say
that I did try and kill myself,
and I'm glad I'm still here.
And the comments, people
were telling me to, like,
kill myself, to cut myself more,
to starve myself to death
and I was very suicidal.
I just think it's really important
that you're all here,
because I wish I had people like you
when I was that age,
because nobody spoke
about that in school.
No-one talked about bullying
or how to keep yourself safe online,
and I just think you're
all inspiring.
MANY: Aw!
Does it help you seeing that it's
not just people... Oh, my God. Yeah.
Absolutely. ..in the sort of
celebrity limelight that get it?
Yeah. It's exactly like us
who are just normal
and, like, we still get
the exact same abuse. Yeah.
Most of the group that I met were
bullied because of their appearance,
and they were harassed because of
how society thinks they should look.
I find it really sad that society
is just so fixated and obsessed
with the way that people look.
It's not about people's talent
or intelligence any more.
It's all about the way you look.
There's nothing else.
Here we go. Let's roll camera,
please.
Hold your poses and sing. Thank you.
Leigh-Anne, you want to strike a few
poses? Yeah. Will, can you go in
now? I'm going to go. Yeah.
I know that some people think Little
Mix might be a part of the problem,
and I would hate to think that,
because I want women to feel
stronger and empowered, not weaker.
And I know that people look up to
pop stars like us
and feel under pressure to look as
good as we do in our music videos.
But that's after hours and hours
of hair, and make-up and lighting.
Cinch me in.
GULPS
For me personally,
I still feel a lot of pressure
to look good all the time.
It's really weird. I've never, ever,
ever, ever liked doing music videos.
It's a lot of pressure to look good,
that's why.
I think that's why it is.
There's a lot of pressure to look
good in music videos.
And so if you don't feel good, it's
really hard to, like, pretend to
feel amazing, if that makes sense.
Have you got anxiety now?
Thank you. Roll playback.
SIGHS
BEEP
Here we go.
# Steady, are you ready?
Are you ready? #
I know there's probably lots of
people that think, "Oh, God!
"Shut up, you're such a diva."
And I know I'm not a diva,
it's just a guard that I put up
because I'm trying to protect
myself.
If I don't look good,
when people watch that, that's then
going to cause people to then say
nasty things about me.
That scares me, having that feeling
again of being, feeling weak
and going back to that person
I used to be. Erm...
And I really wish
that I could just not care.
Like, I just feel awkward and
uncomfortable.
I just want to perform
and be myself. Yeah.
So, I just look shit
and uncomfortable.
You look tiny!
GROANS
It's weird, cos the more you
compliment her and the more
you try to tell her that she looks
incredible the more she's like,
"No, I don't!" And, like,
she's adamant.
What did you think when you watched
that back then? Hated it.
Despised myself, as per usual.
It's very rare occasions that
I like myself in videos.
Everyone says to her she looks like
a goddess, but she won't be told.
There's no telling her.
There is no telling the Nelson.
Right, come on, round two, please.
When I look back at old photos of me
when I'm younger, like,
I didn't care about the way I
looked, I didn't care what people
thought of me.
And then social media came into
my life and I became a completely
different person.
And I think you can tell
that from my pictures now.
I can't deny that I do post
pictures...
..for other people's approval,
and I don't know why.
I know that I've got issues
with the way that I look.
But it's only now that I feel
I can properly talk about it.
I'm going to go see a body image
specialist called Liz Richie,
who works with people like me.
I find a lot of comments online
about me now are that I wear way
too much make-up.
What do you think about that?
As long as you know and you're
content... Yeah.
..with the fact that you are doing
it for you... Yeah.
..then that's absolutely fine.
I would maybe question who
is Jesy behind the make-up?
So, looking through your Instagram
posts, Jesy,
these photographs are so perfect.
They are absolutely amazing.
How do you feel when you post
on Instagram?
Do you feel that you need to post
something that really looks good?
Most of the time, yeah, because of
the way that I'm supposed to look
now. Right.
And that that's been drilled
into my head. Yeah.
So, it's other people's
expectations. Yeah. Yeah.
I can't just post a picture of me
where I don't look perfect. Mm.
Is it something about other
people validating you?
I think so, yeah.
Yeah, it scares me.
Going back to being that girl again,
being the fat one,
the ugly one in the group. Mm.
I don't like that Jesy.
Like, I literally, like...
I used to get such a, like...
I used to get such anxiety, if I'd
get in a relationship with someone,
I'd get such anxiety if they were
to, like, Google me,
because I'd literally think,
"Oh, my God, you're going to see the
old Jesy,
"and that's the Jesy that everyone
hated and does that mean that you're
going to be put off by that?"
Mm. Which is a really weird
way of thinking. Well, no, it isn't.
But younger Jesy, she doesn't really
want to be kind of left behind.
Yes. As if, you know, that didn't
matter, that wasn't important,
because she's so important to you,
because your creative persona...
..which is amazing, is something
that serves a purpose.
But your reality is Jesy. Yeah.
Before X Factor. Mmhm.
That's the person that you need
to connect with,
that will give you
all of the right advice.
As a result of the trolling,
I really do think that Jesy had to
protect herself.
So she had to create an image, or
what I would call a mask,
to hide behind.
And she perfected that mask and it
was what she perceived
to be effective and what the media
wanted.
I have shut away the old Jesy
for such a long time,
because I've just felt that I need
to be this new Jesy that...
Erm...
I've felt like I've...
..had to be this new Jesy that
everyone likes, because everyone
hated the old Jesy.
What Liz really made me realise
is that that I loved that Jesy.
And I can't just love this Jesy,
I've got to love every part of me.
Oh, it's cold.
Lovely Southend, innit?
Lovely weather.
THEY LAUGH
I actually quite like it. Do you?
A lot people windsurf. You don't see
that in Brighton, do you? No.
I used to come here as a kid,
though. Did you?
Yeah, I loved it.
What? With your mum? Yeah.
Peter Pan's Playground.
Where's that? Over there.
Shall we go there after? Always on
the rides. Were you? Yeah.
So, I've been dating Jesy since,
officially, the 24th of February.
But she thinks it was the
16th of January.
So, that was when we went
on our first date.
So, yeah, about four months
up to now.
When I first obviously started
spending a lot more time with her,
especially staying round her house,
I noticed that she had many
insecurities, there'd be,
obviously, times where she wouldn't
let me see her physically
without make-up, especially for the
first sort of four or five times
where I'd come round here,
we'd go on dates and stuff.
She'd get up in the morning almost
before, like, crack of dawn to make
sure she was out of bed
and putting make-up on
and she got back into bed
with a full face of make-up.
So, I used to look at her and think
she woke up like that, but she
didn't.
She was just, like, pre-prepared
in getting up in the morning.
But that, again, was purely her
insecurity to not having make-up on.
This is why she obviously can't...
I say she can't go out in public,
she doesn't really go out in public
at all without any make-up on.
She feels more comfortable as a
human being wearing it, and that's
fair enough.
What's your favourite shop round
here? Anywhere that does food.
Yeah. Fish and chips. Yeah. You love
a bit of cod and chips, don't you?
LAUGHS
Bit of mayonnaise.
Lovely.
She'll never wash your hair any time
when I'm around, because it goes
frizzy.
She's naturally got this proper
frizzy hair.
So, I have to come to the fridge
just to see it. And this is the
photo.
And I love it, cos that is her.
And that's her with a fresh face,
no make-up.
So, sometimes, yeah, I do just come
out of my way. I don't want a cup of
tea but I still go into the kitchen.
I just want to look at it for a few
minutes and I'll stand here and I'll
go back in and she'll say,
"Where's your tea?" And I'll say,
"I weren't that thirsty
to be honest."
There's another one there.
She's got frizzy hair there as well.
You're, like, very self-critical.
Yeah. I'm the most self-critical
person ever.
But I dunno why. Look at you.
Oh, shut up! You do!
You have this aura.
It's like a bit of a glow. Shut up!
If you look at her eyes, they're
like... Oh, my God! Stop!
They're like golf balls.
They're beautiful. Golf balls!
You've got, like... She's got,
like, a model's jawline.
I love this bit, cos it comes in
here and then the chin is very
prominent... Chris, please shut up!
She's got fantastic lips.
LAUGHS
Her eyebrows are brilliant, her
forehead, everything about her.
And you've got good ears.
Oh, thank you. Very observant.
I think one day it'll click and
she'll look at herself and see that,
you know, she is beautiful and she
is unbelievable,
and she doesn't see that when she
takes her make-up off.
That's what I tell her every night.
Do my eyes really look like golf
balls? Yeah.
They're lovely, fucking incredible
eyes, proper golf balls.
I don't want golf ball eyes. Golf
ball eyes, like a Titleist Pro V1.
Like big, big and bold cats' eyes.
No, I want nice... Catwoman.
Right. That is nice. Golf ball eyes?
Catwoman and golf ball eyes are
completely different. It's lovely.
My trauma does really run deep.
And I may not ever really
recover properly.
But Liz mentioned that I really do
need to reconnect with my old self,
which I hate doing.
And I just feel like that's
just stupid.
Like, what?
That's silly that I can't do that.
So, I felt like if I was to meet
with Liz again,
maybe that's something
I can try and get over.
Like, start looking at old
pictures and clips again
so that I can truly
be happy within myself.
How are you doing?
Good. Yeah?
How's it been since I last saw you?
Really good.
Weirdly, like, you said some things
to me about, like, reconnecting
with my old self.
I've never really thought
about it like that. Yeah.
I think cos for such a negative
experience and time for me
that I just wanted to get
rid of it altogether.
That was such a significant time
in your life
and you're saying, "I didn't like
that time. I didn't like me."
And within that process you started
to reject that Jesy. Mm-hm.
In light of what we've just
been talking about,
I'm just really interested in how
you feel when you look at these
photographs.
Yep. OK. OK. So...
This is...
LAUGHS
..very young Jesy. Yeah.
See, this one makes me happy.
Gorgeous. Why does that make you
happy?
Because I didn't have any cares
or worries.
No-one had an opinion on me then.
Oh!
LAUGHS
Oh, yes. Is this pre-X Factor?
This is X Factor. During X Factor.
OK.
There is a shift occurring now,
because we're going into X Factor
territory. Yeah. OK.
How were you feeling then? Can
you remember? Just really sad.
But then if you were told
at this point in your life... Yeah.
..that you were going to be
doing this?
Yeah. Like, that's all my dreams
come true. Yeah. Yeah.
And would you have thought at this
age when you'll actually
reach your dream that you would
have been unhappy? Absolutely not.
Would you be OK looking at some old
footage of the X Factor days?
Mm.
Yes. Are you sure?
Yeah. Yeah.
We're going to do this
with kindness. OK. Yeah?
LAUGHS
This competition is everything.
I just have found my three best
friends.
To be with these girls has
changed my life.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Is that difficult to watch?
Yeah. Is it?
# Just a little bit of you laced
with my doubt... #
I don't know why I'm getting upset!
# Still a little hard to say... #
Right, that's enough.
How does that make you feel?
Mm. Cos that, like...
When everyone else watches that
back, they relive a time of their
life which was the best experience
of their life.
And that night all I remember
doing was just thinking,
"I just want to go home."
Like, I didn't, I didn't care
about winning.
I didn't care about anything.
I just wanted to go home, be with my
family and just hide away.
Yeah.
But you actually managed to...
..get over that. Yeah.
You managed to push through this.
And you're here today. Yeah.
You found strength from somewhere...
..to do what you've done since then.
Yeah.
What was that?
What did you catch? What did you
hold on to? Believing in myself.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. That's huge.
That's such a big thing.
Yeah. I mean, that's the thing that
got you here. That self acceptance.
That self belief.
You have to look back at that and
think that is an achievement. Yeha.
You suddenly didn't hop from being
in X Factor to where you are today.
There's lots in the middle
that you did. Yeah.
And you did that as X Factor Jesy.
Yeah. So true.
So, you said to me,
"I don't like that Jesy." Mm.
But she did so much for you.
I know. And I never...
It's so weird, I never see it like
that either.
I'm like, "That Jesy bloody
got me to where I am! Yeah.
And yet, like, I've disliked her so
much, all because of how people made
me feel.
Yes. But that was the external
influences. Mm.
That was not your internal
influences. Yeah.
You are an evolution of her. Yeah.
She enabled your progress. Mm.
She weren't that bad.
LAUGHS
She wasn't!
She so wasn't. Yeah.
Yeah?
Thank you, Liz. You're so lovely.
Thank you so much.
You've really helped me.
That was the first time I've ever
watched anything from X Factor.
And I know it was only a few
seconds, but for me that's huge
progress.
Come on, Oscar!
And I don't think I will
ever be the same again.
But what I do know
is that I'm getting better.
My mum was so scared about me
making this documentary.
And I think she's realised a weight
has been lifted off my shoulders.
And I've learned so much
about myself.
I think you've come so far now.
It's made you... Be stronger.
Yeah. Much stronger, yeah.
Stronger now than even
six months ago, a year ago. Yeah.
A lot, lot, lot different.
And I also think that through
meeting other people
that have gone through a similar
situation that I have,
that's helped me a lot, knowing
that I'm not...I wasn't on my own.
And I'm not on my own.
Like, everyone goes through it.
And I've really learned that when
you talk about stuff
that makes you feel low and feel
down, the more you talk about it...
It's like throwing it...
I know it sounds stupid,
like throwing it away
and getting rid of it and, like,
you become...you become stronger.
And I just... Because I know
I've got such a big fan base
and even though I like social media,
there's some parts I hate about it,
I think if I've got that platform,
I can use that
to, like, help other young people
who are feeling rubbish in
themselves
or feeling really low and down.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
I'm just so proud of you, Jes.
I don't think you realise how proud
I am of what you've done,
from right from the beginning
right up to now. Thanks, Mama.
Oh, thank you, Mama.
I know that Liz did say to me that
my Instagram looks very perfect
and my pictures are perfect,
so today I am posting an old picture
of me from X Factor,
and this was the day after we won
the final.
Should have been the happiest
day of my life.
And what's really sad is that the
other three girls sitting next to me
were literally living their dream
and this was the day that I
remembered feeling like the whole
world hated me.
The thought of doing that six months
ago would have given me so much,
anxiety and I just...
Oh, no, never in a million years.
I couldn't have done it.
So, along with this photo I am
going to write out a message
which will hopefully help other
people who are going through what I
was feeling,
cos I just think if they can see
this and think,
"God, she was feeling exactly
how I am,"
then hopefully they know
that they can get through it too.
I'm really pleased she's going to do
that,
and I think it's just a massive,
massive achievement and she's come
so far.
I'm definitely seeing little signs
of the old Jes come back
and I can't wait. I'm so excited.
"Six months ago this girl was
someone I just wanted to forget.
"I wanted to erase her from my mind
and everyone else's memory.
"I didn't see her as Jesy, I saw her
as the fat one from Little Mix.
"I hated her, not because she'd
ever done anything bad
"but because I was made to hate her
by endless amounts of trolling.
"Please, if you're feeling
how I did, speak about it.
"Cos there's always help out there.
"If you'd have told that girl, 'one
day you won't feel sad any more,'
"I'd have never have believed you.
And here I am.
"Now when I look in the mirror,
I don't see Jesy the fat one,
I see Jesy the happy one!"
Right. Three, two, one.
Yay! She's up for the world!
LAUGHS
Oh, Jesus Christ.
It's got 18 comments already.
They're all just so lovely.
CHUCKLES
"You have inspired me so much
and have given me so much confidence
and I'm so thankful for that."
"I've been dealing with the same
thing for as long as I can remember,
but I find this post very inspiring.
"Thank you, Jesy, for sharing this,
and thank you for everything
you're doing for your fans."
Jade's commented and said,
"I can't wait for the world
to see your journey.
"I'm so, so proud of you and how far
you've come.
"I love you so much and, more
importantly, I love how much
you've grown to love you."
# You stole the love
that I saved for myself
# And I've watched you give it to
somebody else... #
I feel like I've come on such a
journey, and I feel like I've taken
something so positive
from that horrible time.
I just hope that for anyone watching
this, they can see that there is
a light at the end of the tunnel.
And if I can do it, then so can you.
If I could give my younger
self any advice, it would be...
..just that I promise one day you're
going to be happy again.
# Am I still not good enough?
# Am I still not worth that much?
# I'm sorry for the way
my life turned out
# Sorry for the smile
I'm wearing now
# Guess I'm still not good enough. #
language and some scenes which some
viewers may find upsetting.
Right, guys, we're shooting now.
You put him back in the car,
did you, Jan? No.
My mum is terrified
about me making this documentary.
She cried the other day.
Mum?
Oh, you've got him.
My mum is so protective.
Oscar? Come on, boy. Come on, then.
I think that it terrifies her,
knowing
that I could go back to the person
I used to be five years ago.
In 2011, I was on X Factor.
I was put into a girl group called
Little Mix and we were all told
that we had to have social media.
And it completely changed my life.
The whole world had an opinion on me
and they weren't good ones.
From the minute
them comments started,
it became the worst time of my life.
I wasn't known as just one
of the singers in Little Mix.
I was known as the fat ugly one.
It literally consumed
every part of me.
Oh, this is a joke!
I hate costumes!
Look at this. Excess material.
Then, look - everyone's going
to think I've got rolls,
and it's not rolls,
it's just extra material.
Nobody's going to think you've
got rolls. Yes, it is, look!
I hit such a low point in my life
that I just stopped turning up
for work.
Little Mix's Jesy Nelson had
to cancel at the very last minute.
One user wrote, quote,
"Kill your BLEEP self."
What they said to me
still affects me now.
I just looked shit and
uncomfortable.
This is something I've wanted
since being a little girl
until these bullies
did what they did.
It doesn't matter whether
you're in the public eye or not,
you cannot get away
from social media,
and it's ruining
a lot of people's lives.
And the comments, people were
telling me to, like, kill myself.
We all need to talk more about
how this is really making us feel.
Where's my Jessica?
Come 'ere!
Come 'ere!
Oh! Upsy daisy!
As a kid, I just always wanted
to be in front of the camera.
I just loved entertaining people.
And so, it sounds bad,
but when I was at school
there was no other way for me.
I didn't...
There was no fall-back.
It was either I perform or...
..I guess I'll be skint for the rest
of me life!
# Running in and out my life...#
I've always been obsessed with
X Factor. Like, I just love it.
So, when I was a barmaid,
I constantly used to watch it
in the bar and just think,
"I know I can win that."
And I genuinely believe
that if you can envision something,
you can make it happen.
Will we go for a little walk?
Come on, then.
Oh, God. He's off already!
Come on, Oscar.
Being in Little Mix
is just the best thing
that's ever, ever happened to me.
This is my...
..my awards and my achievements.
If I am having a down day, I do
like to just casually pop up here
and look at what I've achieved.
This is probably one of
my favourites, you know,
out of all the awards that we have.
This isn't an award.
This is like a little memorabilia
of when we did One Love Manchester.
As much as like,
a horrific incident had happened,
everyone was in such good spirits
and I think that's
when you feel incredibly lucky
to be in this industry,
cos you really see how much
your music affects people.
Cos sometimes I forget
that I am in a girl band
who's done, like, quite well.
And then when I come up here
I'm like, "I've done quite good
for myself!"
A girl who come from Dagenham
who was a barmaid. Yeah.
Jess is in the middle,
then there's her elder sister, Jade,
elder brother Johnny,
and then a younger brother, Joe.
I've more or less brought them up
myself since they were younger.
I split with their dad.
I remember we moved away
and we rented a house.
I bought mattresses -
we just slept on mattresses.
Couldn't afford a fridge, so I put,
used to put the milk
out in the garden.
Get some ice
and put it out in the garden.
It was like that for a long time.
I remember being at a till, and you
know one of them annoying people,
and I know I was that person, I'd
get it and not add it up properly
and then it'd come too much
and I'd be, oh, put that back,
and you'd see people in the queue
tutting at you, weren't they?
But that's how it was, you know?
I found it hard to get out of
that habit as well.
I'm still quite tight now.
Mummy! Hello, darling.
Are you all right? Are you OK? Yeah.
Are you OK, Momma? Yeah, are you?
Yeah, good, thank you.
Will I take my shoes off? Yeah.
Jesy lives nearby, so that's...
All my kids live nearby, really.
So, I see her as much as I can.
A bit too much, probably.
I'm a bit of an over-protective mum,
really, I think, especially where
Jesy's concerned,
cos of what's happened in the past.
Erm... I can't let go, really.
I know I should!
Did you get any old photos? Oh,
yeah. I'll get them out. Did you?
From when? How old?
Oh, when you were a baby!
JESY LAUGHS
Oh, my God, I look like
a cabbage patch doll!
Why is my head so big and round?!
JESY'S MUM LAUGHS
I mean, my attire wasn't helping.
These - you look your most stunning.
THEY BOTH LAUGH
I just always wanted to make people
laugh, didn't I? I know.
I'd make you take me to this joke
shop, where I could just buy all the
weirdest things
to make people laugh, and I'd just
walk around with these teeth
in all the time!
It was such a strange child!
But, look, how innocent. You're
all sweet and innocent here, look.
If my mum could, she would have me
go back to looking like this.
Of course I would. Yeah. Look.
Sometimes I want to tell you
for your own sake,
I think, her make-up,
it's just too much,
like, your eyelashes are too long
and you don't need to do all that.
You just don't need to do it,
cos natural is the best.
But I'm also a woman now
and I enjoy make-up, I like it.
Most girls like make-up, Mum, and
like, and like doing themselves up.
I enjoy that. I wish you could see
the way I see you with no make-up
on,
cos I just think you look lovely.
Cos I always say, I just
wish it was back to normal
and we could have life
back as it was!
And have my little,
little...funny little Jess back.
Oh, I am so proud. And when I watch
her on stage, I still get excited,
you know? I'm laddish,
cheering in the crowd!
And, erm, yeah, but as much
as I love all that,
and people will like, people must
think, "How can you say that?"
If I could have back my Jess
as she was before,
I'd change it like that. Yeah.
Not have the X Factor,
not have any of that.
Cos I miss HER.
I just feel like I've kind
of lost Jess to social media.
And they're, like, just addicted
to what people are saying.
As a kid I was very,
very confident.
I never had any issues with the way
I looked, with my weight.
Until everything changed.
The winner of The X Factor 2011...
CROWD CHEERS
..is...
..Little Mix!
The night we won X Factor,
everyone was just literally on cloud
nine, and I remember going back
to the hotel room with Leigh-Anne.
And I remember, I think I had about
101 inbox messages
on my Facebook,
and I remember clicking on it.
And the first one that come up
was from, I don't know who it was,
some random man, and he was like,
"You are the ugliest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
"You do not deserve
to be in this girl band.
"How on Earth were you ever put in
this girl band? You deserve to die."
And I remember thinking...
"..how, how have I just won
The X Factor,
"and all I want to do is go home
and just go back to being a
barmaid?"
I just wanted to just go back
to my normal life.
And I just was like, "There's
nothing I do about this now, I'm in
it."
Let's go, jab. Two, four...
Good. Nice. Double jab.
From the minute them comments
started, it just got worse and worse
and it just spiralled
out of control.
I've never looked at myself and
thought that I was abnormal looking.
And that's how I was made to feel.
I'm her big sister, so it hurt,
obviously, seeing her so hurt.
When the bullying was really bad,
she became very withdrawn,
couldn't really have
much conversation with her.
And normally, she'd be, like,
the chattiest person in the world.
It just wasn't nice to see.
Back then, I used to read these,
and just cry myself to sleep.
"Bless Jesy, #LittleMix.
"She's trying to look like the rest.
Well, stop.
"You're fat,
and you look like a chipmunk."
"Jesy is getting fatter each week."
"Jesy has lost a lot of weight."
"They probably could have made
a fifth member with everything
"that has been sucked out of her."
"She's been at the pick and mix."
"Little Mix, four members,
five chins."
"Fat people should not
wear tight leggings,
"just look at Jesy from Little Mix."
"The fat one from Little Mix looks
like Miss Piggy from The Muppets."
"I just worked out, if you shaved
Jesy's head from Little Mix,
"she looks exactly like ET."
From the minute I won X Factor,
I was a different girl.
I wasn't Jesy, the barmaid,
like, the happy, confident girl
that I used to be,
I was this vulnerable...
..nervous wreck the whole time.
The shit is that I could not
change my mind-set.
I couldn't make myself happy.
When we do interviews,
everyone says,
"Oh, do you ever watch your..."
Oh! Everyone says,
"Do you ever
watch old videos back of you
"when you were on X Factor?"
And I can't.
Like, I actually,
like, can't watch them back,
because it just makes me so sad,
and it's the time of my life
that I will never get back.
My brain started to believe
everything that people
were saying about me.
She said, "People send pictures
of, like, my body
"and put a monster's head
on the body."
She said, "And now," she said,
"I look in the mirror,
"and I don't see me any more.
"I just see, like, I literally see,
like, a monster looking back at me."
She said, "And everyone says that,
so I must look like that."
I felt embarrassed.
I felt ashamed.
It got so bad, to the point
where I couldn't even bring myself
to get out of bed in the morning,
and I just stopped
turning up for work.
Jesy! We miss her!
I remember getting pulled into
an office by someone I worked with
at the time, and they said,
"This can't continue. I think
you need to go on antidepressants."
And I remember thinking,
"Why should I go on antidepressants
"because of what people
are saying about me?"
SONG: Bounce Back
# Steady, are you ready?
# Are you ready?
# What's going on?
# What's going on?
# Tell me what you know about me
# Welcome to the city
where it's sweet
# You know I'll be taking
Vita-D... #
We are here because we are going to
record our brand-new single. Yeah!
They're excited.
# However do you want me?
# However do you need me?
# However do you want me?
# Bring the bounce back,
bring the, bring the bounce back
# However do you need me?
# Bring the bounce back, bring the,
bring the bounce back... #
Whoo! Yay!
It's on point. Yay!
It's on point.
Are you crazy?
When I'm listening to it, I'm like,
"I know I can do better than that."
What?! You're perfect on that.
Like, that record is a vibe.
OK. 100%. Mm-hm.
I just feel like I'm really lazy,
and it sounds a bit nothingy.
# Are you ready?
# What's going on? Oh.
# Are you ready?
# Are you ready? #
She is a little bit of a nightmare
when it comes to, like, video shoots
and photoshoots,
and approving things, and it has
been a bit hard within the group.
# Are you ready? #
I feel more pressure with you,
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. It's all right.
I think people don't realise
the effects of what bullying
and trolling can actually
do to someone.
The trolls took away, like, her love
for it, and, like, her passion.
But how does she get that back?
How does she...
How does she go back to...feeling
confident and feeling amazing, like,
from all that shit
that happened to her?
The three of us, like, as her mates,
just didn't know what to do
and just had to sort of watch this
amazing, funny girl sort of become
a bit like a broken doll,
it was horrible.
We didn't have a control over
what people were saying about her
in the press and in the magazines,
and on social media.
And you can't hide her
from the world.
It was a constant thing
that just kept eating away at her,
and eating away at her,
and then it got to the point,
where she, literally, I don't think
she could handle it any more.
I think it might have been 2013,
when I'd lost quite a bit of weight.
We were going back on X Factor
to perform our new single...
..and I didn't give a shit if the
performance was going to be good,
all I cared about
was people seeing me and going,
"She looks good. She's lost weight."
Like, that's all I wanted people to
say when they saw the performance.
SONG: Move
# Get your back off the wall
# Don't you get comfortable... #
And I just, literally,
I starved myself for a week.
I didn't eat anything, so I thought,
"If I eat, then I'm going
to put on weight and then people
"are going to call me fat."
And then the next day,
the first interview that we had,
the lady come in, and she said,
"Have you seen what's been said
about you online, Jesy?"
Katie Hopkins
just basically called you fat.
All I remember feeling at that time
was, "What's the fucking point?"
I've just starved myself for a week,
and I'm still getting called fat,
so I could be the skinniest girl
in the world,
and this is never going to go away.
And that was the pinnacle point
for me when I got severely,
severely depressed and it just
spiralled out of control.
And I remember being
in a restaurant with my mum.
I just kept looking around.
I was just on edge the whole time
because I just kept thinking
people were talking about me,
and I remember my mum saying,
"Oh, Jesy, what's wrong with you?"
She was just like, "Just relax."
I just didn't want to be there,
cos I was just so worried
about everyone else around me.
And I remember leaving, I went home,
and I just sat in bed
and I was just crying, thinking,
"This is never..." Sorry.
I just remember thinking,
"This is never going to go. Like,
I'm going to constantly wake up
"and just feel sad for the rest
of my life, so what is the point
in being here?" There's no point
waking up and feeling sad every day
because...I couldn't, like, I
physically, like, couldn't tolerate
the pain any more
that it felt like...
It just, like, the only way
I can describe the pain
is that it feels like,
if you've ever been heartbroken
in your life, is it just feels
like constantly feeling heartbroken.
And I remember thinking,
"I just need to make this go away
"and it was the first time I thought
I'm going to do this,
"I'm going to...I'm just going
to end this."
And I just remember going
to the kitchen, and I just took
as many tablets as I could.
And then I just laid in bed
for ages,
and I just kept thinking, like,
"Just let it happen, just hurry up,
"just let it happen,"
like, and then, I remember,
my ex, who was with me at
the time... I remember he woke up,
and he was like, "Why are
you crying? Why are you crying?"
And I just kept saying, "I just
want to die. I just want to die."
And he was like, "Why are you saying
that for? Why are you saying that?"
And I was like, "Because I do,
I just want it to go away."
And he, like, was trying
to make me be sick in the bathroom.
And, then, yeah,
and then the ambulance came.
I remember the doctor said to me,
"You're so lucky that you didn't
take any more," he was like,
"because that would have been it.
"You could have done severe,
severe damage to yourself."
I remember feeling really angry
at all those people.
I wanted to just find every
single person that had ever said
anything horrible to her, and just
look them in the eye and say, like,
"Look what you've done
to this girl!"
Cos every single person
that said something
should have been held accountable
for making her feel like that.
That was just horrible.
Knowing your child's done that and,
you know what the worst thing was?
Was knowing she was, like,
literally, she lived
three minutes' walk from me,
so I was probably in bed
and she'd done that to herself.
And knowing your...
It's just horrible.
And knowing...can we stop
there, please? Stop.
Yeah, it's just, um...it's
just horrible.
You're just laying there
going to sleep
and you know one of your children
are trying to kill themselves.
I just felt...
..felt like a bad mum, really.
When you're in that state of mind,
all you care about
is just taking that pain away.
You don't ever... That sounds so bad
to say, but you don't think
about the people
that you're going to leave behind.
You just want the physical pain
that you're feeling to stop.
TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT:
You're travelling to Preston.
I feel so glad that I'm still here,
but I know that cyberbullying
and trolling
has had a devastating effect
on young people and their families
all over the country.
I'm going to meet the parents
of a young girl, who, like me,
was targeted online.
Hello. I like this filter.
Nowadays, whether you're famous
or not, you cannot get away
from social media.
And, for Sian Waterhouse,
it was all too much.
Just over a year ago,
she took her own life.
She was only 16 years old.
Hello. Hiya. How are you? All right.
Are you? I'm Ann, Sian's mum.
Lovely to... I'll give you a cuddle.
Hello. Lovely to meet you.
Hiya. This is Sian's dad. Hello.
How are you? Lovely to meet you.
And you.
Thank you so much for seeing me
and talking to me today.
Can you tell me about Sian?
I can describe her as
a female human version of Tigger.
Cos she just bounced and skipped,
wherever she went.
Yeah. Yeah.
And it was lovely to see.
She was always, like,
in her own little world, and...
Yeah.
Always smiling, always smiling.
She always made friends easy.
That's us swimming with her.
Aw, that's such a gorgeous picture!
The dolphins.
And that's her last school picture.
Oh, my God! She's stunning.
Yeah, but I don't think she really
believed how beautiful she was.
Mm-hm. She didn't see what we saw,
you know. Yeah.
Was it her looks and her appearance
that she was bullied for?
Yeah, I think so.
Mainly, when she came home,
or late at night. Right.
Facebook. Yeah. Group chats.
Urgh. Mm.
It's awful. Isn't it? Yeah.
Did you notice the difference in her
as a person, and her confidence?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
She wouldn't go out much.
She'd rather be at home in her
bedroom... Yeah.
Where she feels safe. Yeah, she did.
It's exactly as she left it.
Make-up, everything everywhere.
Even her boots are still there.
Oh, yeah. It's just...the first
door up there. Thank you.
Aw.
JESY SIGHS
It's just so frustrating to see
these pictures of her, because...
..she obviously was such a gorgeous,
happy girl, and to think that
these people just completely
took that away from her
and made her that sad
that she wanted to do this.
I can't...
The fact that her mum
can't even come up into her room
just makes me feel so sad.
Like, she won't ever, ever
see her little girl again.
I just think these people
just have no idea
the effect that it has on people.
I don't want to be in here any more.
It's really weird going into a room,
where nothing's been touched,
like, everything's still the same.
It's weird. I feel like she's
still there, it's really strange.
It looks like how I leave my room.
I think people say things
and don't even realise the effect
that it's going to have on someone.
Right. Oh, give me a cuddle.
Oh, Ann.
I just think she's at peace now.
Yeah. Nobody can hurt her. Yeah.
That's the way you've got to see it,
yeah. As hard as it is.
You know, I just...
I do feel her here.
You know, I'll come down
in a morning, and I'll shout,
"Morning, Sian."
What do you think could be done
to stop this from happening
to other young people?
Do you think that social media
have a responsibility,
like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter?
Cos, obviously, anyone can go
on there and say whatever they like.
Yeah, I think
they should be a lot more.
I mean, this last time,
they made a false account up
of Sian's back from the dead.
Oh, my God! And there were
some really awful things.
So, me and Pud went to the police
about it... Yeah.
..and even the police said,
"We don't even have a phone number
for Facebook."
He says, "And it'll be a false
account. You can't trace it."
I've tried getting in touch
with Facebook,
because, when they did
this nasty account... Yeah.
..Sian's proper Facebook
got took down as well. Right.
..so I've, like, messaged
Facebook... Mm.
..time and time, asking them
if they could reactivate it,
as we've got... Yeah.
She's got pictures on there,
we've got messages... Mm-hm.
..and they don't even respond.
Everything round, like here,
is what people brought me.
I mean, I've been lucky.
We've all stuck together. Yeah.
You know, and I think you need to
with something like this. Mm.
Her friends set up a balloon
release on the promenade...
Yeah. ..which is... That was all the
balloons that were released...
Aw! ..and people also
painted pink pebbles...
Yeah. ..and put them
all over the wall.
Amazing!
Now you're safe up high
Shoulder to shoulder
with angels you fly
No-one can touch you
in your resting place
And no-one can hurt you
now that you're safe
I wake each morning
to start a new day
But the pain of losing
you never goes away
I want to call you
and just hear your voice
Then I remember
that I have no choice
Some day I know all will be well
And I'll see you again with stories
to tell
Until then, my memories of you
I'll keep near
And I'll pass them on
to those who are dear
I miss you, Sian and I
wish you were still here.
Sorry for getting upset.
Can I give you a cuddle? Yeah, sure.
Sorry. I feel like it's so weird.
I feel like, even just you talking
about her, I feel like I know her
and it's really sad.
I just think you are so brave.
You and Ann are so brave.
I don't think I've ever met two
parents as incredible and as strong
as Sian's parents.
And for me, that, like,
really, really hit home.
I had the opportunity to overcome
all of the trolling that I suffered.
But what I find so incredibly
devastating is that Sian
never got that opportunity.
We just live in a social
media-obsessed world now,
and I find that so scary, because
now, kids growing up
don't know any different.
It's so important to teach kids
at a young age
and make them aware
that bullying isn't OK
and this is the effects that it has,
and this is what one comment
can do to someone's life.
I've come along to a class,
organised
by an anti-bullying charity,
to see how they're teaching kids
how to deal with online abuse.
Show of hands if you think
social media's good?
Yeah? I'm in between. I'm this.
Why do you think social media's bad?
I think there's more negatives
than positives,
like, being able to say
whatever you like.
Some things may hurt other people,
and the thing is you can't always
track down who it is.
Yeah. It's anonymous.
Yeah.
So, why do you think social media
is for the good? Or halfway there?
For the good?
For me personally, I think it's
good, cos I get to interact with
fans.
Yeah. Which is amazing.
But then there's, like, downsides
with, like, trolling and, yeah,
it's just quite negative sometimes.
Yeah, it's quite mixed, isn't it...
Yeah. ..social media?
You can have the good sides, but
also the quite negative sides.
Yeah. Thank you.
So, I'm going to talk to you a bit
about the bystander effect.
So, a bystander is someone who sees
or knows about bullying or other
forms of violence that is happening
to someone else, but takes no action
to address it or report it.
Hannah herself was bullied
from a very young age
about the colour of her hair
and her appearance.
These are some of the things that
people have said.
Freak. Ugly.
Now she's 17, she's using her own
experience to try and help protect
others.
How would you help Jesy or I
in this situation?
What are some of the things
that you could do?
You could message the person who
posted a picture and say, "Don't
listen to them.
"You look really pretty in that."
Yeah, exactly.
Use positive language instead
of negative language.
Why do you think these comments
and post-it notes are in the pocket?
They still stay with you.
Maybe they're hidden away somewhere
in the back of your mind,
but they still do stay.
Exactly.
The words that people use,
whether they choose to use
them positively or negatively,
they have a permanency
and they stick with us. Exactly.
I found being in that class
really inspiring.
I loved how many kids wanted to
learn about how to stop bullying
and how to help other kids
at school.
I just feel like if I'd have had
that at school,
it might have, yeah,
helped me a lot more.
MANY: Hi!
Hannah's invited me to meet a group
of other young people
who have also been targeted
by online bullies.
I think it's really important that
you are here today and doing this.
I know that a lot of you have been
through your own things
and I thought it'd be nice for us
all to share our own experiences
with each other.
Yes. Yeah? So glad to hear that!
THEY LAUGH
Yeah.
I don't mind kicking this off.
So, like, when I was younger
in school, we're talking 13, 14,
it was a lot
of, like, texting, the anonymous
calls.
Literally, "You're a fat fuck.
There's no point you even being
here.
"You're just eating all the food
supplies," and that's literally...
It was on and on and on.
I would get DMs from
random people I don't know
from wherever and they'd be pictures
or videos of really explicit
content.
Men performing acts over pictures
of mine or videos of mine
and just be like, "Oh,
this is what you deserve.
"You're just there to be used."
I've been picked on because of,
like, my height and I'm very skinny,
so, like, I went to the gym for a
long time to try and get myself,
like, a little bit bigger,
cos I thought that was,
like, the best way to look because
of, like, that's what society wants.
But then at the end of the day,
there are people out there
that, like, are happy with the way
I look and I should be happy
with the way I look as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got told that my face is very
deformed and that I should chop my
head off
so that they don't have to
look at me any more.
It was only actually a few weeks
ago,
someone said to me that I've gained
a lot of weight
and that if I could just control
it I'd be pretty again. Oh, God.
But I was bullied online when I was
about 18 by my ex's friends.
And one day I had enough and I told
them, you know,
"Stop bullying me otherwise
I'm going to go to the police,"
and they said, "Just go kill
yourself."
And I'm not embarrassed now to say
that I did try and kill myself,
and I'm glad I'm still here.
And the comments, people
were telling me to, like,
kill myself, to cut myself more,
to starve myself to death
and I was very suicidal.
I just think it's really important
that you're all here,
because I wish I had people like you
when I was that age,
because nobody spoke
about that in school.
No-one talked about bullying
or how to keep yourself safe online,
and I just think you're
all inspiring.
MANY: Aw!
Does it help you seeing that it's
not just people... Oh, my God. Yeah.
Absolutely. ..in the sort of
celebrity limelight that get it?
Yeah. It's exactly like us
who are just normal
and, like, we still get
the exact same abuse. Yeah.
Most of the group that I met were
bullied because of their appearance,
and they were harassed because of
how society thinks they should look.
I find it really sad that society
is just so fixated and obsessed
with the way that people look.
It's not about people's talent
or intelligence any more.
It's all about the way you look.
There's nothing else.
Here we go. Let's roll camera,
please.
Hold your poses and sing. Thank you.
Leigh-Anne, you want to strike a few
poses? Yeah. Will, can you go in
now? I'm going to go. Yeah.
I know that some people think Little
Mix might be a part of the problem,
and I would hate to think that,
because I want women to feel
stronger and empowered, not weaker.
And I know that people look up to
pop stars like us
and feel under pressure to look as
good as we do in our music videos.
But that's after hours and hours
of hair, and make-up and lighting.
Cinch me in.
GULPS
For me personally,
I still feel a lot of pressure
to look good all the time.
It's really weird. I've never, ever,
ever, ever liked doing music videos.
It's a lot of pressure to look good,
that's why.
I think that's why it is.
There's a lot of pressure to look
good in music videos.
And so if you don't feel good, it's
really hard to, like, pretend to
feel amazing, if that makes sense.
Have you got anxiety now?
Thank you. Roll playback.
SIGHS
BEEP
Here we go.
# Steady, are you ready?
Are you ready? #
I know there's probably lots of
people that think, "Oh, God!
"Shut up, you're such a diva."
And I know I'm not a diva,
it's just a guard that I put up
because I'm trying to protect
myself.
If I don't look good,
when people watch that, that's then
going to cause people to then say
nasty things about me.
That scares me, having that feeling
again of being, feeling weak
and going back to that person
I used to be. Erm...
And I really wish
that I could just not care.
Like, I just feel awkward and
uncomfortable.
I just want to perform
and be myself. Yeah.
So, I just look shit
and uncomfortable.
You look tiny!
GROANS
It's weird, cos the more you
compliment her and the more
you try to tell her that she looks
incredible the more she's like,
"No, I don't!" And, like,
she's adamant.
What did you think when you watched
that back then? Hated it.
Despised myself, as per usual.
It's very rare occasions that
I like myself in videos.
Everyone says to her she looks like
a goddess, but she won't be told.
There's no telling her.
There is no telling the Nelson.
Right, come on, round two, please.
When I look back at old photos of me
when I'm younger, like,
I didn't care about the way I
looked, I didn't care what people
thought of me.
And then social media came into
my life and I became a completely
different person.
And I think you can tell
that from my pictures now.
I can't deny that I do post
pictures...
..for other people's approval,
and I don't know why.
I know that I've got issues
with the way that I look.
But it's only now that I feel
I can properly talk about it.
I'm going to go see a body image
specialist called Liz Richie,
who works with people like me.
I find a lot of comments online
about me now are that I wear way
too much make-up.
What do you think about that?
As long as you know and you're
content... Yeah.
..with the fact that you are doing
it for you... Yeah.
..then that's absolutely fine.
I would maybe question who
is Jesy behind the make-up?
So, looking through your Instagram
posts, Jesy,
these photographs are so perfect.
They are absolutely amazing.
How do you feel when you post
on Instagram?
Do you feel that you need to post
something that really looks good?
Most of the time, yeah, because of
the way that I'm supposed to look
now. Right.
And that that's been drilled
into my head. Yeah.
So, it's other people's
expectations. Yeah. Yeah.
I can't just post a picture of me
where I don't look perfect. Mm.
Is it something about other
people validating you?
I think so, yeah.
Yeah, it scares me.
Going back to being that girl again,
being the fat one,
the ugly one in the group. Mm.
I don't like that Jesy.
Like, I literally, like...
I used to get such a, like...
I used to get such anxiety, if I'd
get in a relationship with someone,
I'd get such anxiety if they were
to, like, Google me,
because I'd literally think,
"Oh, my God, you're going to see the
old Jesy,
"and that's the Jesy that everyone
hated and does that mean that you're
going to be put off by that?"
Mm. Which is a really weird
way of thinking. Well, no, it isn't.
But younger Jesy, she doesn't really
want to be kind of left behind.
Yes. As if, you know, that didn't
matter, that wasn't important,
because she's so important to you,
because your creative persona...
..which is amazing, is something
that serves a purpose.
But your reality is Jesy. Yeah.
Before X Factor. Mmhm.
That's the person that you need
to connect with,
that will give you
all of the right advice.
As a result of the trolling,
I really do think that Jesy had to
protect herself.
So she had to create an image, or
what I would call a mask,
to hide behind.
And she perfected that mask and it
was what she perceived
to be effective and what the media
wanted.
I have shut away the old Jesy
for such a long time,
because I've just felt that I need
to be this new Jesy that...
Erm...
I've felt like I've...
..had to be this new Jesy that
everyone likes, because everyone
hated the old Jesy.
What Liz really made me realise
is that that I loved that Jesy.
And I can't just love this Jesy,
I've got to love every part of me.
Oh, it's cold.
Lovely Southend, innit?
Lovely weather.
THEY LAUGH
I actually quite like it. Do you?
A lot people windsurf. You don't see
that in Brighton, do you? No.
I used to come here as a kid,
though. Did you?
Yeah, I loved it.
What? With your mum? Yeah.
Peter Pan's Playground.
Where's that? Over there.
Shall we go there after? Always on
the rides. Were you? Yeah.
So, I've been dating Jesy since,
officially, the 24th of February.
But she thinks it was the
16th of January.
So, that was when we went
on our first date.
So, yeah, about four months
up to now.
When I first obviously started
spending a lot more time with her,
especially staying round her house,
I noticed that she had many
insecurities, there'd be,
obviously, times where she wouldn't
let me see her physically
without make-up, especially for the
first sort of four or five times
where I'd come round here,
we'd go on dates and stuff.
She'd get up in the morning almost
before, like, crack of dawn to make
sure she was out of bed
and putting make-up on
and she got back into bed
with a full face of make-up.
So, I used to look at her and think
she woke up like that, but she
didn't.
She was just, like, pre-prepared
in getting up in the morning.
But that, again, was purely her
insecurity to not having make-up on.
This is why she obviously can't...
I say she can't go out in public,
she doesn't really go out in public
at all without any make-up on.
She feels more comfortable as a
human being wearing it, and that's
fair enough.
What's your favourite shop round
here? Anywhere that does food.
Yeah. Fish and chips. Yeah. You love
a bit of cod and chips, don't you?
LAUGHS
Bit of mayonnaise.
Lovely.
She'll never wash your hair any time
when I'm around, because it goes
frizzy.
She's naturally got this proper
frizzy hair.
So, I have to come to the fridge
just to see it. And this is the
photo.
And I love it, cos that is her.
And that's her with a fresh face,
no make-up.
So, sometimes, yeah, I do just come
out of my way. I don't want a cup of
tea but I still go into the kitchen.
I just want to look at it for a few
minutes and I'll stand here and I'll
go back in and she'll say,
"Where's your tea?" And I'll say,
"I weren't that thirsty
to be honest."
There's another one there.
She's got frizzy hair there as well.
You're, like, very self-critical.
Yeah. I'm the most self-critical
person ever.
But I dunno why. Look at you.
Oh, shut up! You do!
You have this aura.
It's like a bit of a glow. Shut up!
If you look at her eyes, they're
like... Oh, my God! Stop!
They're like golf balls.
They're beautiful. Golf balls!
You've got, like... She's got,
like, a model's jawline.
I love this bit, cos it comes in
here and then the chin is very
prominent... Chris, please shut up!
She's got fantastic lips.
LAUGHS
Her eyebrows are brilliant, her
forehead, everything about her.
And you've got good ears.
Oh, thank you. Very observant.
I think one day it'll click and
she'll look at herself and see that,
you know, she is beautiful and she
is unbelievable,
and she doesn't see that when she
takes her make-up off.
That's what I tell her every night.
Do my eyes really look like golf
balls? Yeah.
They're lovely, fucking incredible
eyes, proper golf balls.
I don't want golf ball eyes. Golf
ball eyes, like a Titleist Pro V1.
Like big, big and bold cats' eyes.
No, I want nice... Catwoman.
Right. That is nice. Golf ball eyes?
Catwoman and golf ball eyes are
completely different. It's lovely.
My trauma does really run deep.
And I may not ever really
recover properly.
But Liz mentioned that I really do
need to reconnect with my old self,
which I hate doing.
And I just feel like that's
just stupid.
Like, what?
That's silly that I can't do that.
So, I felt like if I was to meet
with Liz again,
maybe that's something
I can try and get over.
Like, start looking at old
pictures and clips again
so that I can truly
be happy within myself.
How are you doing?
Good. Yeah?
How's it been since I last saw you?
Really good.
Weirdly, like, you said some things
to me about, like, reconnecting
with my old self.
I've never really thought
about it like that. Yeah.
I think cos for such a negative
experience and time for me
that I just wanted to get
rid of it altogether.
That was such a significant time
in your life
and you're saying, "I didn't like
that time. I didn't like me."
And within that process you started
to reject that Jesy. Mm-hm.
In light of what we've just
been talking about,
I'm just really interested in how
you feel when you look at these
photographs.
Yep. OK. OK. So...
This is...
LAUGHS
..very young Jesy. Yeah.
See, this one makes me happy.
Gorgeous. Why does that make you
happy?
Because I didn't have any cares
or worries.
No-one had an opinion on me then.
Oh!
LAUGHS
Oh, yes. Is this pre-X Factor?
This is X Factor. During X Factor.
OK.
There is a shift occurring now,
because we're going into X Factor
territory. Yeah. OK.
How were you feeling then? Can
you remember? Just really sad.
But then if you were told
at this point in your life... Yeah.
..that you were going to be
doing this?
Yeah. Like, that's all my dreams
come true. Yeah. Yeah.
And would you have thought at this
age when you'll actually
reach your dream that you would
have been unhappy? Absolutely not.
Would you be OK looking at some old
footage of the X Factor days?
Mm.
Yes. Are you sure?
Yeah. Yeah.
We're going to do this
with kindness. OK. Yeah?
LAUGHS
This competition is everything.
I just have found my three best
friends.
To be with these girls has
changed my life.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Is that difficult to watch?
Yeah. Is it?
# Just a little bit of you laced
with my doubt... #
I don't know why I'm getting upset!
# Still a little hard to say... #
Right, that's enough.
How does that make you feel?
Mm. Cos that, like...
When everyone else watches that
back, they relive a time of their
life which was the best experience
of their life.
And that night all I remember
doing was just thinking,
"I just want to go home."
Like, I didn't, I didn't care
about winning.
I didn't care about anything.
I just wanted to go home, be with my
family and just hide away.
Yeah.
But you actually managed to...
..get over that. Yeah.
You managed to push through this.
And you're here today. Yeah.
You found strength from somewhere...
..to do what you've done since then.
Yeah.
What was that?
What did you catch? What did you
hold on to? Believing in myself.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. That's huge.
That's such a big thing.
Yeah. I mean, that's the thing that
got you here. That self acceptance.
That self belief.
You have to look back at that and
think that is an achievement. Yeha.
You suddenly didn't hop from being
in X Factor to where you are today.
There's lots in the middle
that you did. Yeah.
And you did that as X Factor Jesy.
Yeah. So true.
So, you said to me,
"I don't like that Jesy." Mm.
But she did so much for you.
I know. And I never...
It's so weird, I never see it like
that either.
I'm like, "That Jesy bloody
got me to where I am! Yeah.
And yet, like, I've disliked her so
much, all because of how people made
me feel.
Yes. But that was the external
influences. Mm.
That was not your internal
influences. Yeah.
You are an evolution of her. Yeah.
She enabled your progress. Mm.
She weren't that bad.
LAUGHS
She wasn't!
She so wasn't. Yeah.
Yeah?
Thank you, Liz. You're so lovely.
Thank you so much.
You've really helped me.
That was the first time I've ever
watched anything from X Factor.
And I know it was only a few
seconds, but for me that's huge
progress.
Come on, Oscar!
And I don't think I will
ever be the same again.
But what I do know
is that I'm getting better.
My mum was so scared about me
making this documentary.
And I think she's realised a weight
has been lifted off my shoulders.
And I've learned so much
about myself.
I think you've come so far now.
It's made you... Be stronger.
Yeah. Much stronger, yeah.
Stronger now than even
six months ago, a year ago. Yeah.
A lot, lot, lot different.
And I also think that through
meeting other people
that have gone through a similar
situation that I have,
that's helped me a lot, knowing
that I'm not...I wasn't on my own.
And I'm not on my own.
Like, everyone goes through it.
And I've really learned that when
you talk about stuff
that makes you feel low and feel
down, the more you talk about it...
It's like throwing it...
I know it sounds stupid,
like throwing it away
and getting rid of it and, like,
you become...you become stronger.
And I just... Because I know
I've got such a big fan base
and even though I like social media,
there's some parts I hate about it,
I think if I've got that platform,
I can use that
to, like, help other young people
who are feeling rubbish in
themselves
or feeling really low and down.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
I'm just so proud of you, Jes.
I don't think you realise how proud
I am of what you've done,
from right from the beginning
right up to now. Thanks, Mama.
Oh, thank you, Mama.
I know that Liz did say to me that
my Instagram looks very perfect
and my pictures are perfect,
so today I am posting an old picture
of me from X Factor,
and this was the day after we won
the final.
Should have been the happiest
day of my life.
And what's really sad is that the
other three girls sitting next to me
were literally living their dream
and this was the day that I
remembered feeling like the whole
world hated me.
The thought of doing that six months
ago would have given me so much,
anxiety and I just...
Oh, no, never in a million years.
I couldn't have done it.
So, along with this photo I am
going to write out a message
which will hopefully help other
people who are going through what I
was feeling,
cos I just think if they can see
this and think,
"God, she was feeling exactly
how I am,"
then hopefully they know
that they can get through it too.
I'm really pleased she's going to do
that,
and I think it's just a massive,
massive achievement and she's come
so far.
I'm definitely seeing little signs
of the old Jes come back
and I can't wait. I'm so excited.
"Six months ago this girl was
someone I just wanted to forget.
"I wanted to erase her from my mind
and everyone else's memory.
"I didn't see her as Jesy, I saw her
as the fat one from Little Mix.
"I hated her, not because she'd
ever done anything bad
"but because I was made to hate her
by endless amounts of trolling.
"Please, if you're feeling
how I did, speak about it.
"Cos there's always help out there.
"If you'd have told that girl, 'one
day you won't feel sad any more,'
"I'd have never have believed you.
And here I am.
"Now when I look in the mirror,
I don't see Jesy the fat one,
I see Jesy the happy one!"
Right. Three, two, one.
Yay! She's up for the world!
LAUGHS
Oh, Jesus Christ.
It's got 18 comments already.
They're all just so lovely.
CHUCKLES
"You have inspired me so much
and have given me so much confidence
and I'm so thankful for that."
"I've been dealing with the same
thing for as long as I can remember,
but I find this post very inspiring.
"Thank you, Jesy, for sharing this,
and thank you for everything
you're doing for your fans."
Jade's commented and said,
"I can't wait for the world
to see your journey.
"I'm so, so proud of you and how far
you've come.
"I love you so much and, more
importantly, I love how much
you've grown to love you."
# You stole the love
that I saved for myself
# And I've watched you give it to
somebody else... #
I feel like I've come on such a
journey, and I feel like I've taken
something so positive
from that horrible time.
I just hope that for anyone watching
this, they can see that there is
a light at the end of the tunnel.
And if I can do it, then so can you.
If I could give my younger
self any advice, it would be...
..just that I promise one day you're
going to be happy again.
# Am I still not good enough?
# Am I still not worth that much?
# I'm sorry for the way
my life turned out
# Sorry for the smile
I'm wearing now
# Guess I'm still not good enough. #