BASEketball (1998) - full transcript

Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!

Reggie Jackson having
an incredible night.

Two for two with a walk,
four runs batted in,

and he's already hit
two home runs tonight.

Reggie! Reggie!

And just listen
to that crowd.

Reggie! Reggie!

Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!

Come on, Reggie!
Hit another one!

Hit another home run!

Coop, he's already hit two.



It's a fly ball
to right, and deep.

That's going to be way back.

And that's going to be gone!
Yeah!

Reggie Jackson hits
his third home run
of the game.

Whoo! All right!

Good catch, Coop.
I can't believe it.

I mean, I totally had it,
but my glasses slipped.

You know what, Remer,

someday I'm going to become

a big sports star, too.

Whatever you say,
Coop.

You just watch me, dude.
You just watch me.

There was a time in America

when contests of
athletic prowess



were a metaphor for
the nobility of man.

Historic moments,
forged by
the love of the game,

celebrated the human potential
to achieve excellence.

But as time passed and
the country
neared the millennium,

something went awry.

- Manning rolls right.
- He's got to plow to the ten,

the five... Touchdown Dallas!

The ideal of sportsmanship

began to take a back seat
to excessive celebration.

The athletes caring less
about executing the play

than planning
the vulgar grandstanding

that inevitably followed
even the most pedestrian
of accomplishments.

The games
themselves became subordinate
to the quest for money.

Stadiums and arenas

became nothing more
than giant billboards

to promote
commercial products.

Players sold their services
to the highest bidder,

much like the hired guns
of the Old West.

Thank you. And after playing
for New England,

San Diego, Houston,
St. Louis, a year for
the Toronto Argonauts,

plus one season as a greeter
at the Desert Inn,

I'm happy to finally play here
in the fine city of Miami.

Minnesota.

Whatever. Shit.

Soon it was
commonplace for entire teams
to change cities

in search of greater profits.

The Minneapolis Lakers
moved to Los Angeles,
where there are no lakes.

The Oilers moved to Tennessee,
where there is no oil.

The Jazz moved
to Salt Lake City,
where they don't allow music.

The Oakland Raiders
moved to LA,
and then back to Oakland.

No one in Los Angeles
seemed to notice.

The search for
greener pastures
went on unabated.

Continued expansion
diluted the talent pool,

forcing owners
to recruit heavily

from prisons,
mental institutions
and Texas.

Fist fighting and brawling
permeated every sport,

overshadowing any
athletic competition.

As the problems mounted,

the fans became less
and less interested.

To reverse the trend,
major sports
started inter-league play.

When that novelty wore off,
they tried inter-sports play.

But no matter how far
the major sports went,

it wasn't enough
to bring the fans back.

The spirit of athletic
competition, however,

indeed was not dead.

Its seed merely lay dormant
in the dreams of the young.

You know, Remer,
someday I'm going to be
a big sports star.

You know, Remer,
someday I'm going to own
a big sports bar.

Hurry it up, Coop.

Hold on. I just got
to water the plants.

I don't want to go
to a party with a bunch
of losers from high school.

But, dude, this is
Brittany Kaiser's house,

and I really,
really want to fuck her.

Dr. Kaiser.
Dr. Kaiser.

Coop and Remer.

We graduated
with Brittany.

You graduated?

Of course we graduated,
cock. Beer?

Man, this place looks like
a Dockers commercial.

Oh, hey, Steph!
Coop! Remer!

Hey, you want a beer?
Oh, my God!

You guys haven't
changed since high school.

Oh, cool.
No, it isn't.

Cock.

Hey, Skidmark Steve!
Oh, cool.
Hey, dude!

You still just hanging out,
playing Nintendo?

Well, if you must know,
I'm in my second year
of med school

and I'm training
for the Summer Games.

What are you two up to?
Just hanging out.

Playing Nintendo.
Cock.

So, you looking forward
to getting out of here?

Yeah, I'm all packed.
It should be fun.

Hi, Brittany.

Coop, Remer.

I didn't think
you guys would show up.

Well, we wouldn't
miss your party.
No, I mean...

I don't remember putting you
on the guest list.
Huh.

Well, uh, Ted told us
about it.

Excuse me.

Ted, why would you tell
those losers about my party?

I... I didn't...
What are you doing?

Man,
this party sucks.
Let's bail.

No, dude. Let's go up
to Brittany's room.

Remer! Come in here.

Check it out.

Brittany's underwear,
dude.

Oh, dude.

Dude! Dude! Dude! Oh!

Oh, I am
so jealous of you.

Oh, God!

Excuse me.
Brittany.

What are you guys doing
in my mom's room?

Aw!

Aw! Aw! Aw!

Get out of here!
Uh...

Oh, geez!
Ugh...

Uh... Derp!

Dude, we're never going
to get a chick like
Brittany Kaiser, are we?

Or any other chick.

But it's only 'cause
we have no jobs,

and our rent check's
three months overdue,

and our gas is
about to get shut off.

What do girls
want anyway?

Well, apparently,
not total losers.

We're pretty good
at basketball.

Yeah, as long as we don't
have to run or jump
or dribble or nothing.

You know what I mean?

That shit's
overrated anyway.
Yeah.

Hey!

You guys up
for a little game?
Sure.

Well, let's make
it interesting.

Say 20 bucks?

How about 50?

You're on. Let's go.
Let's go, here we go.

Dude, we don't
have 50 bucks.

We don't have 20.

Look, it doesn't matter.
How good can they be?

To the lane, baby!
That's pretty!

Oh!
Come here, baby.

Oh, shit!

Alley-oop!
Alley-oop! Yeah!
All right!

Come on, ladies.
We playing or not?

Yeah, but not that
pussy ass two-on-two
you guys play in the suburbs.

What, you guys got
something better?

Yeah, but it's this new game
we picked up in the hood.

So, what is it?
Okay. Okay.

I shoot from
wherever I want, right?

And then you have
to make that same shot
or else you get a letter.

You mean like Horse?

No! It's not
like Horse!

Duh. It's, uh...

It's baseball rules.

Yeah.

Like, a single's from
the free throw line.

Right. And a double's
from the top of the key.

You can't shoot from
the same place twice.

A triple's from back here,
and a home run's from
behind the meatballs.

You miss,
you get an out. Ready?
Break!

Whoa. What?
We can explain it
more slowly

if you need us to.
You're not
big sports guys?

No, no.
No, no, no. We get it.
We get it, man.

Losers up first.

So, what,
let me get this straight.
This is a single, right?

Yeah, and a home run's
behind the meatballs.

Come on,
take your shot, guy.

What is that, man?
Oh, that's one out.

You can't spit beer at me
when I'm shooting.

That's the way
we play in the hood.

I can do whatever I want
to make you miss your shot.

He's right.
That's one out.
One out.

One out?

Give me the damn ball!

I fucked your sister.
Huh?

Coop lines up for a double.
Okay, guys, second and third.

Coop's got a runner on third.
This could bring him home.

Yes! Two outs!
God, this is...

Come on!

Oh!

- Ted Nugent.
- Oh!

Oh! Tip-in. Double play.
That's three outs.

What?
We're up.

That's a double play,
jackass.

That's nice.
Real nice.

Bottom of the eighth.
This could almost seal it.

Oh, he made
that look easy.

Damn it!
Come on, man! What...

Oh, one of
Brittany's mom's
pubic hairs.

Oh, God!

Ugh!

Come on, man!
Dude, we win the game!

Dude, that was
a sweet psyche out.
Oh, dude, here's another one.

Oh, come here.
What the hell's
up with that?

We win,
and they get the chicks.
That sucks, dude.

Dude, I'm telling you,
it's jobs.
We got to get jobs.

Then we get the khakis.
Then we get the chicks.

Starting tomorrow,
we got to stop
playing games.

Miss it.
Steve Perry.

Steve Perry.

Yes! Three outs. I'm up.

All right.
It's the bottom
of the fifth.

Joseph R. Cooper?

That's a single.
Man on first.

Are you Joe Cooper?

Cut the crap, Squeak.
You know who I am.

Gentlemen,
this form authorizes me
to enter onto your property

and terminate
services forthwith

until all delinquent payments
have been generated.

What?
Dude, he's here
to shut off the gas.

Squeak, dude, you work
for the gas company now?

Gentlemen...
Double!
Guy on second and third.

Is your canine locked up
and/or safely secured
within your domicile?

Uh, yeah. He's at the vet
getting his claws removed.

Then if you'll excuse me.

Dude, does it
just suck being you?

I'll show those guys
what sucks.

Steve Perry.
Steve Perry.

I should have been gone

- Oh, yeah, he misses.
- Oh, damn it.

You said no more
Journey psyche outs.

Dude,
I'm running out of ideas.

It should be easier
than that...

That's why we have
this little short shot

from over here.
Short shot.
Kind of like a bunt.

Exactly, it doesn't put
any runners on base.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's
a sweet idea.

You lied to me!
Again!

Oh, right. I guess
the dog's vet appointment's
tomorrow, isn't it?

We took the cat in today.
Honest mistake, Squeak.
Sorry.

My name's not Squeak!
All right? It's Kenny!

All right, all right,
all right, you little bitch.

Here, why don't
you take a shot.

I don't want to take a shot.
I want to turn off your gas.

And don't call me bitch.

Okay. Squeak.
Let's just shoot for it.

Shoot for it?
What, are you insane?

This is my job,
you assholes.

Look, it's a good deal.

All you got to do
is make a single
from right here

and you can shut off our gas,
and we'll never
call you Squeak again.

Or bitch.

Or bitch.
Or bitch.

- From right here?
- Mmm-hmm.

All right.
Check this shit out.

Steve Perry.
Huh?

Ohh...

Tough break, Squeak.

Now you got to fetch
the ball, bitch.

Come on, Squeak!
We can win the game
with this one, baby.

Bring me home.

- Yes! That's it!
- We win the game!

Dude,
we got five runs
that inning.

You know,
this game is pretty badass.

All right.
Another game? You're up.

Top of the first.

Yo, Tyler.
I hear your sister's
going out with Squeak.

What? Oh!

Mark me down for
another psyche out.
Hey.

I'm not going out
with his sister.

Dude, that's the defense.
You got to psyche them out!

Yeah, we've got to say
totally fucked up shit

to make sure
the other guy misses.

Oh, right. Okay.

Hey, wait a minute!

Why is me going out
with his sister
totally fucked up?

Yo, Pierce. I hear your mom
is going out with Squeak!

Whoa!

Oh, yes!
Two outs!

Okay, so you're going
to owe one-twelfth
of the rent,

one-twelfth of the water bill,
one-twelfth of the power bill,

one-twelfth of
the cable bill...
Dude! Check it out.

What's that?
It's a BASEketball.

Whoa, dude,
you made a ball?
Out of what?

Dude, I can't believe
those asswipes fired you

for not shutting off
our gas for six weeks.

It was losing the truck
that pissed them off
the most.

Well, you can camp
out here for a while.

Well, this is pretty sweet.

Does this couch
fold out to a bed?

Yeah, a totally great bed.
But that's Jenkins' bed.

Your bed's over here.

Dude, that is
so fucking weak!

How am I supposed
to get a chick in that?

Oh, don't worry, dude.
You couldn't get a chick

if you had
a hundred dollar bill
hanging out of your zipper.

Yeah, I could.
No, dude.
You're a little bitch.

I am not!

I don't even know
why I hang out
with you guys.

'Cause you're
a piece of shit.
I am not a piece of shit!

Well, yeah,
but you're a little bitch.
Sure are.

God damn it, man! I swear,
you guys rip on me
13 or 14 more times,

I'm out of here!

Yeah, whatever.
Dude, I got to show you
this scoreboard I made.

Your place is
a shithole anyway!

Well, at least
I'm on the team.

Yeah. They want me...

Joe Bryant, WIGN.

At the scene
where an unusual
new driveway game

has captured
the imagination of at least
one neighborhood...

The young and old
have gathered here tonight,

really enjoying
this championship game...

An entire league
has sprung up
around this quirky...

The round robin,
starting with 12 teams
in June, now down to just two,

including, we're told,
the inventors of the game,
childhood friends...

It's off the rim,
could be a double play.

Maxwell tips...

Newman's try...

No! Shirts have a shot
at the conversion.

Remer...

Keeps it alive.

Last chance.

Coop up...

Good! They make
the conversion!

And the home run counts!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

What a game!

The Shirts win
the World Championship
of BASEketball!

Yeah!

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen,
I'm Ted Denslow.

Ted Denslow,
the billionaire?
Yes.

Anyway, I like
your little game here.
How'd you like to go pro?

BASEketball?

I got three words for you,
National BASEketball League.

We're not interested.
Now, wait a minute.
Hear me out.

Now, you kids
with your loud music
and your Dan Fogelberg,

your Zima hula hoops
and Pac Man video games,

don't you see?

People today
have attention spans

that can only be measured
in nanoseconds.

I hear you.

Just look at these people.

Whoa!

I can see they feel...
Way to go, Coop.

...a certain connection
with you as players.

BASEketball,
we can start fresh.

Not allow teams
to change cities
or players to be traded.

And everybody will
get paid the same!

Just like when I was a kid,
and players were
treated like, like...

Indentured servants?

Yes! And the real
beauty of this game
is anyone can play.

Any normal Joe
can be a sports hero.

Haven't you ever wanted
to be a sports hero?

Sure, once.
But that was
a long time ago.

Well, if I know anything
about this country,

America will go nuts
for BASEketball!

I mean America
will go crazy
for BASEketball!

Help! Oh my God!

Yes! There!
Just listen to that crowd!
Listen to that crowd!

Call an ambulance!

I say she never cared
and that she never will

To do it all again,
I guess I'll have
to wait until then

If I get drunk,
well, the better
I'll understand my baby

You won't bother me
no more

And if you're drinkin',
well, you know that you're
my friend, and I'll say

I think I'll have myself
a beer

Ninth inning,
the Beers still behind
by 3 runs, and now

down to their last out.

And the pressure
on these players
has got to be enormous.

All right, you guys,
we've got one out left.

We're not beat yet,
we can still win this thing.

- Can we do it?
- Yeah!

- Can we do it?
- Yeah!

And what a game
these fans are seeing.

That gentleman, of course,
Beers owner Ted Denslow,

the father of
professional BASEketball,

along with his
lovely new wife, Yvette.

Now shooting, number 44,
Coop "Airman" Cooper!

Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Coop is heading
for the triple square,
and Bob Costas,

this has to be one of the
most exciting BASEketball
games in recent memory.

Hard to believe that just
five years ago this game was
played only on driveways.

And it's hard to believe,
just 5 years ago,

those girls were
only in grade school.

So Coop at the triple line,
and Jansen sets up
for the psyche out.

Hey, Coop!
Be right with you, Dirk.

- It's good!
- Oh, nothing but net.

Coop triples again.

He's hit for the cycle
seven times tonight.
Damn, he tricked me!

Go, Coop!
Way to go, man!
You're the man!

And listen
to those Foam Heads
doing the Beers chug.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Coop's on third with two down,

and that brings up
Squeak Scolari.

Oh, God, I knew
it was going to come down
to me. I just knew it!

Relax, dude, it's not
just you. We're a team!

And it all comes down
to just one man.

Oh, God!

Listen to me, dude,
if I could have one guy

out there right now,
one guy, it'd be you!

Unfortunately, that one man
is Squeak Scolari.

Oh, shit!
Listen, pretend this
is just another game.

This Denslow Cup
is of course the biggest
game of the season.

Oh, Christ!
Will you turn
that shit off?

I'm so scared! Man, I...
Listen to me,
you little bitch!

You either go out there
and make that shot,

or I'm going
to shove your head

so far up your fucking ass,
you have to wear
yourself as a hat!

And in the dugout,
Doug Remer giving
his teammate

some last-minute
encouragement.

Now go out there
and make that shot!

Fuck!

The talented Felon
Girls appearing in their
third Denslow Cup game.

Now shooting, number 23,
Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari.

Let's go

So Squeak Scolari
walks out to take the last
remaining single.

Come on, bitch!

Hey Squeak, miss it!
Miss it!

It's good!
And the Beers stay alive
in the ninth.

Dallas Felons
owner Baxter Cain

hoping for another
Denslow Cup victory.

Now shooting, number 17,
Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!

Two on,
two out. Remer heads
to the double line.

Hey, Remer!
You better make sure
your toe isn't over the line!

Hey, Jansen!
Nice psyche out,
dingleberry! Yes!

It's in!
It's now a two-run game.

Dirk Jansen apparently
missing another psyche out.

And everyone here
at Beers Garden
is on their feet.

Coop! Coop! Coop!

And now,
at a time like this,

you can't help
thinking about
guys like John Elway.

Guys who kept coming close,
and then finally got there.

If Coop can make this one,
the Beers' long wait
will be over.

Hey, Coop!
Looks like your boy Denslow
is about to buy the farm.

Oh!

Whoa!

Oh!
He missed! He missed,
I don't believe it.

The Felons win their
2nd consecutive Denslow Cup

on the strength
of a Dirk Jansen psyche out.
Aw!

I got you, dude,
I got you!

Whoa, whoa!
Relax, dude! Relax!
What?

Do the Happy Dance.

Why do you want me
to do this?
We just lost the game!

Do the Happy Dance!
Where's the singing?

Aw! I don't want to sing!
Do the singing!
Come on, sing.

Doing the Happy Dance
Doing the Happy Dance

Shit, Denslow!

And these Beers fans
have to be disappointed.

What an unfortunate thing
to happen on Dozen Egg Night.

Help me!
Somebody help him!
My God!

Mrs. Denslow,
if there's anything
you need.

Oh, Teddy.

I can't believe it.
He just fell over.

Mrs. Denslow?
Mrs. Denslow!

I wish there was
something I could do!

I know, Mr. Denslow,

they stopped serving them
after the seventh inning.

Somebody get this man
a hot dog!

You're absolutely right,
Jim. Ted Denslow was a hero,

because his vision
brought BASEketball

from neighborhood driveways
into big arenas,

but more importantly,
into the hearts
and TVs of America.

It's a very sad day.

Yee-haw!
His untimely death
cast an unbearable pall

over an otherwise
sweet victory.

Yes, and all of our hearts
are with you and
your family on this...

Dirk Jansen, winner of
the Winner's Warm
Douche MVP Trophy.

What's your take
on this stunning upset?

I think the whole key
to the game was when
I psyched out Coop!

No doubt about it!
And all you people
watching out there...

I can't believe this guy!
He didn't psych me out!

Yeah, if anyone
should get the psyche out
it should be Denslow.

Dude, weak.

Oh, Coop, Coop.
I know this is
a dark time for you,

but I'd like
to get your thoughts
on what happened today.

Well, Tim,
today I lost the big game
and, uh, a dear friend.

Um, I'm feeling pretty
vulnerable right now.

Uh, I don't think
I should be alone.

I really need people
to talk to...

It certainly does
seem to be raining shit
on Joe Cooper right now.

On paper, the Beers had
the far superior team

with the outside
shooting of Coop

and the deadly
accuracy of Doug Remer.

What happened out there?

Uh, well, it was
a team effort, and I guess
it took every player

working together
to lose this one.

Thanks, Doug.
And so...

Hey! Want to do
an interview with me?

No.

So another
BASEketball championship
is in the books.

Yet another opportunity
lost for the Beers.

Man, I got to go.

Hey, Coop? Coop!
Hey, what's going on?

Coop? Coop! Hey, Coop!
Coop, help!

This is Tim McCarver
from Beers Garden,
where the Dallas Felons

have defeated
the Milwaukee Beers
in Denslow Cup IV

by the score of 13 to 11.

Everybody in?

One at a time.
Shotgun!

Please!
Can we, please?

There he is!
Coop!

- Oh, man!
- Oh, cool.

Can we talk to him?
Yeah, can we stay?

There! There!
Please, Miss Reed.

Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hi.

Would you mind signing
a couple of autographs
for the kids?

I think you're looking for
the Dallas locker room,
it's over there.

Oh, I know,
but it was so crowded.

I mean, um, they would really
rather have your autograph.

Really?
Anyway, would you mind
signing these?

Uh, sure.

Oh.

Uh, it's nice
to meet you, Miss...

Reed. Jenna Reed.

Joe Cooper. Coop.
I know.

Are all these kids
with you?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I've been
the director of the Dream
Come True Foundation

since October.

Oh, the ones that
grant wishes to sick
and dying kids, right?

Oh, well, we prefer
to think of them

as health-challenged
and survival-impaired.

So, you're a big
fan of BASEketball?
No, not really.

I mean,
the kids are big fans.

I try and keep them
interested in things

that are a little
more permanent.

Permanent?

Well, you know how
professional athletes
come and go these days.

Well, not in BASEketball.
There's rules against it.

Well, hello.

Oh, uh, Miss Reed,
this is Remer.

Would you like
a fresh pretzel?

I baked it myself.

Oh. Thank you.

It goes great
with mustard.
Okay.

Miss Reed? Miss Reed?

Dude, you didn't make
that pretzel, did you?

Of course not,
but chicks like guys
who can cook.

Didn't you know that?
What?

See, it works.
She was checking out
my ass.

She wasn't checking out
your ass.

All set then?

Well, I better get
these kids back.

Little Travis is
getting impatient.

Hey, I love kids.
Which one's Travis?

Here. Heads up,
big guy.

Are you all right,
Travis?

I think
he's sleeping.

God, he needs
a little work
on the hands.

- He's blind, Doug.
- Ah!

Felons fans rejoiced
in their team's
Denslow Cup victory

with a huge celebration
in downtown Dallas.

Final tally,
14 injured, three dead.

And on a sad note,
the sports world
was devastated tonight

by the passing
of Ted Denslow.

By all accounts,
the late Beers owner
seemed to be the only one

surprised by his death.

And it appears time
just finally ran out
for the old cocksucker.

Theodore Denslow,
dead at 85.

His hairpiece was 24.

These chaps I wore
in Rooting Tooting Rhythm

I bequeath
to my nephew Herman.

Hope he looks
as snappy in them as I did.

And this poncho
that kept me dry
during the filming of...

Mrs. Denslow?
Baxter Cain.

May I sit down?
Of course.

My deepest sympathy
on your great loss.
Thank you, Mr. Cain.

My valuable hand-painted plate
commemorating the Pope's visit

to Dodger Stadium,
I leave to my niece Susan.

Limited edition,
signed in the mold,

with a photocopied certificate
of authenticity.

Jenna.
This six-shooter I wore...

What are you doing here?
Well, I'm not sure.
I got this letter.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

And the toothbrush
used to clean the oats...

Clumsy idiot!
Where's the body?

They buried him two days ago.
This is the will reading.

Oh. Well, in that case...
These are for you, Jenna.

Now as a special
gift of charity,

I bequeath
these season tickets

to the Dream Come
True Foundation.

Thank you.

I want you to know
I had nothing

but respect for
your late husband.

Unfortunately,
he was the one person
who stood in the way

of making
any kind of changes
in BASEketball

that might increase
the owner's profits.

I can't imagine
what he had against
making money.

I trust that quality
isn't sexually transmitted.

That's pretty sweet, huh?
Yeah. The kids
will be very excited.

Especially little Joey.
Joey?

Well, he's such
a big fan of yours.

You know, he's going
into the hospital next week,

and he had begged me
to ask you

if you'd come by
for a visit sometime,

but, you know what,
it's not a good idea.

Oh, I'd love to come by.

Hey, I'll come by.
I like hospitals.

No, you don't.
You like Taco Bell.

No, really,
I went to this hospital
one time in France

and got together with
this really hot chick.

Dude, that was a hostel.
Oh, yeah.

And finally, of course,
my beloved Beers,

I bequeath
controlling interest
to Joseph R. Cooper.

Yes! We own the team!

I gave him the best
three months of my life.

Sweet!

Way to go, dude!

And, Coop?

Yes, Mr. Denslow?

I know you have it in you
to lead the Beers to victory
this season,

because if you don't,
the team reverts to Yvette.

Don't feel badly
about losing the team.

I believe this is merely
a temporary situation.

Thank you, Mr. Cain.

It's nice to have
a strong, handsome man
like you on my side.

Well, yes. I'd love
to discuss this
further with you.

Why don't you
visit sometime?

Maybe we could, uh,
lay some carpet,

if you know what I mean.

At this time,
I'd like to ask everyone
to leave the room,

so I can have
a private moment with Coop.

Now that we're alone,
Coop, there's something
I wanna tell you.

Remember when
you had the crabs,

and the only thing that
made you feel better
was this lotion?

Well, I found another
use for it.

It feels so good,
it makes me wanna sing.

Just like
that night we spent
in the tattoo parlor

in Chicago. Come on, baby.

I'm too sexy for my shirt

Too sexy for my shirt

So sexy it hurts

And I'm too sexy for my car

Too sexy for my car

Too sexy by far

You getting this?

That's two rooms done.

Boy, those corners
are tricky.

You've done
a fine job, Yvette.

Now, as I was saying,
I think I've come up
with a plan

to make sure that Coop
never wins that Denslow Cup.

Oh. So, then the team
will be mine?

Yes.
That's wonderful, Baxter.

Do you want me to move on
to the conference room?

Uh, no. Not yet.

But, you know,
I think my lobby

could use a good buffing,

if you know what I mean.

Mmm. I know exactly
what you mean.

Oh! Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, God!

God, I can't do this shit!

And the Beers
coming up to bat

for the first time
in this season opener
against Miami,

a game they have
dedicated to Ted Denslow.

The team wearing black
in memory of
the late Beers owner.

The Beers cheerleaders
also mourning the loss.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Mmm?

Dude, it's a whole
different ballgame
now that you own the team.

Yeah. I was just thinking.
Denslow was right.

This season
could be different.
We just gotta kick some ass.

We're playing
to keep this team.
You up for it?

Dude, I'm in.
All or nothing.

And joining us in
the booth this evening,

big fan of BASEketball,
Tony Nocciolino,

who plays, as you know,
Latino cut-up Scooter

on the new hit comedy series,
What's the Difference,

airing between Recycled Junk,
starring Lisa Campbell,

and Same Old Crap,
featuring teen heartthrob
Mark Svenson.

All part of
the great fall line-up

on our network's
"Who gives a rat's ass?"
Thursdays.

And, Tony, it is great
to have you with us.

So, Miami takes
the field,

and we're underway
here tonight.

Coop steps into
the single square.

Bonehead!
Coop! Coop! Coop!

Coop! Coop! Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop!

It's good.
And the Beers are off
to a promising start tonight.

And this game is made
all the more special

by the fact it's Free-Range
Chicken Night.

The Beers up by two,
but the Dealers

are threatening here
with one out,

and that brings up
Enrique Hernandez.

Psyche out! Psyche out!
Psyche out! Psyche out!

Psyche out!
Hernandez, look.

It's fat liposuctioned
out of Marlon Brando's ass.

Uh... Aw! No.
What am I doing here?

Aw! It's all salty and warm.
Oh, why would I do this?

Aw! This guy ate
a lot of pork.

Aw!

Muy bueno!

Damn it!

Dude, I thought it was
a killer psyche out.

Really? So sick.
Shake it off.
Shake it off. I got this guy.

Yo, Gomez.

Psyche out!

Got milk?

Oh, yeah,
you like that, don't you?

- Coop tips, and it's good!
- Double play. Beers win.

And Remer still nailing down
that psyche out.

Dude, we totally kicked ass.

Yeah, and this is
just a start.

Doug, could you sign
my chicken?

Joe Cooper.
Baxter Cain.

Oh, Cain. Yeah,
Denslow told me about you.

I want to take
this opportunity

to welcome you
to our community
of owners.

And if there's anything
that you need,
don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks, dude. Later.

Oh, Coop,
we're going to be
voting next week

on making some changes
in BASEketball's rules.

I want to be able
to tell the others
that you're with us.

Why? I think BASEketball's
fine the way it is.

Of course,
in some respects.

But until we allow
teams to move cities
and players to change teams

and take advantage
of lucrative
corporate tie-ins,

I'm afraid you
and your colleagues

are going to have to
continue working for...

Chicken poo?
Ugh!

Feed. Chicken feed.

Coop, the ball
is in your court.

In order for
those rules to change,
every owner has to vote yes.

And Denslow was
already filthy rich.
He didn't need the changes.

But you do.

Look, I appreciate
what you're saying,

but you're asking me to
go against every reason
we created this game.

Well, before you make
any hasty decisions,

I suggest you discuss it
with your teammate.

I don't have to.
We're best friends.
We think alike.

Look, I'm sorry,
but if you want
unanimous consent,

you're gonna have to get it
from one of the other owners.

Are we gonna
kick their ass?

Yeah!
Yeah!

We gonna take these
mooks out or what?
Yeah! Let me handle this one!

In the river, baby!
No doubt about it!

Come on!

Yo, Coop! Your mother's
a terrible cook!

Oh, yeah!
Damn!

Pew, pew, pew!
I'm gonna kick
your ass, man.

Easy.

Can't gross me out,
Remer.

Oh, yeah?
Well, check out Coop.

Hey, Zane,

I wanna feel you

deep inside me.

Oh!

Yes!

You can't do that!
That's not fair, man!

Ooh!

Oh, come on, Zane.
That was...

That was fair, you know.
Come on. Let's play ball.

Hey, Watson, have you seen
those, uh, beer commercials,

how to speak San Franciscan?

Hey! Hey!
Vagina!

Not fair!
That's bullshit, man!

No. That
wasn't a gay joke. That was
an Australian joke. Aw! Aw!

Shoot 'em up
Shoot 'em up, boys

Bang, bang
Whoo, whoo

Yeah, ride 'em, ride 'em
Ride 'em, ride 'em

Come on, let's do it!
All right.
What do we always say?

- One, two, three...
- Fuck the Mexicans!

Guess I'll take my shot now.

Sure hope I make it,
so I can get home quick

and smack my wife
in the eye, yepper.

Shut up, Remer.

Shut your mouth, bitch.
I'll...

Yeah! Yes! All right!

Take that, Remer!
Aw, shit!

Oh, my eye! My eye!

You're sick, Cooper!

Yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

"If a woman wants a mate
who is responsive,

"she will reveal
to him the secret
of a woman's duality.

"She will tell him
about the interior woman,

"that one who added
to herself makes two."

Hi. I didn't
expect that you'd come.

I just thought I'd come say hi
to our little friend Joey.

Oh. Well,
you know what,
he's sleeping,

and I really wanted
to finish this book.

Well, maybe it'll
make him feel better.

Uh, well...
Joey?

Joey?
Look who's here.

My biological father?

No, dude, it's me,
Joe Cooper.

Coop? Coop,
is it really you?

Yeah, it's me.

Wow. I watched
all your road games.

Your psyche outs
were the best.

Thanks, dude. Right on.

Coop, what's a "vagina"?

Uh, so, uh, what seems
to be the problem
with you, guy?

I'm... I'm going to die.

Well, we're all gonna die.

Yeah, but not this week.

Joey, what did I tell you
about staying positive?

Besides, your donor liver's
due to arrive today.

Oh, hey, look what
I brought you.

Wow! A La-Z-Boy!
Yeah, I made it myself,
you know.

If I had a nickel
for every time

this ball pulled me
out of a tight spot,

I'd have a shitload
of nickels.

Gee, Coop, I wanna be
just like you
when I grow up.

Here's your
decaf mocha, Jenna.

Just like you take it,
non-fat milk,
low fat whipped cream,

and a little sprinkle
of cinnamon.

Thank you, Doug.

And I baked you fresh
poppy seed muffins, too.

Oh.

Give me a break.
Poppy seed muffins.

I thought you had
your electrolysis
appointment this morning.

I did. Here. Look.
Check it out.

Hey, listen, partner,

I talked to the people
at the Dream Come
True Foundation,

and they want to
make your last wish...

Your... Well, they want to
make your dream come true,

as long as it doesn't
involve, like,

a miracle cure or
something like that.

Well, hell, the guys
on death row only get
a meal, right?

Uh, so... So,
what's your dream?

Well, I've always dreamed
of big game hunting.

How about killing
an endangered species,

like a bald eagle
or a giant panda?

Well, Joey, I don't think
that's in the true spirit

of the Foundation.

Well, then,
how about poisoning
the reservoir?

I know. How about
throwing flesh-eating fish

into a public
swimming pool?

I don't think you're quite
getting the point, dude.

Come on, Joey.
Search your heart.

What's the one thing
that you want

more than anything else
in the world?

Chelsea Clinton.

That's a pretty
tall order, dude.

You'd have
a better shot at Bill.

You have any
backup dreams?

Well, there is
one other thing.

Could I just once... Could I
hang out with the team?

Just spend a day with
the Beers. Could I, Coop?

Oh, I don't know.

And Miss Reed, too.

No! No! No!

Down the hatch. Bartender.

This has been so fun.
I feel like I'm gonna
puke all over the bar.

Oh, look, Jerry Springer.

Here she is,
your daughter-in-law, who...

No. She's my son's wife.
Get that.

Whoa! Nicole.
Let's say hi to Nicole.

Okay. Okay.
We'll drink every time
a fight breaks out.

All right.
All right.

Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry! Jerry!

Hey, you bitch!

Oh, fight, fight, fight.

Back off, bitch!

Oh, you want some of this?
Come on!
You fat...

Fight!

Ah! Ah!

I'm gonna kill you!

You see, Joey,
dreams really do come true.

You're the best, Coop.
Yeah.

Oh, man, it's late.
We've got a game tonight.

And you've got that
big liver operation.

Yeah, but...

What, dude? Don't worry.
You're gonna be fine.

I just know I could
pull through if...

If what, dude?

Joey, you just say it
and Coop will do it.

Could you, Coop?
Do you think you could
hit a home run

for me in tonight's game?

Well, dude...
Come on, Coop.

It's not like he's asking you
to hit two home runs.

Two? Can you hit
two home runs?

Of course he could.
This is Coop Cooper
you're talking about here.

Hell, he could hit
three home runs if
he wanted to, huh, Coop?

Three? All right.

Remer, can I talk to you
over there real quick?
Thanks.

Hey, you know, Joey,
I've hit my fair share
of home runs, too.

That's nice, but Coop's gonna
hit three home runs for me.

That's great, Joey.

I think Coop's
the greatest guy

in the whole wide world.

Yeah, he's a major dude,
all right.

Hey, I feel
much better now.

Mr. Squeak?
What?

What grade are you in?

Hey, anybody call a taxi?

Yeah, I called a taxi.

We gotta get going
if I'm gonna hit
those three home runs.

Don't you worry.
From now on, everything's
gonna be A-okay.

Gee, Coop, this is
the best day of
my entire life.

Oh! Ow!

Oh, my,
what a story this is.

Little Joey Thomas
undergoing a lifesaving
operation tonight.

The fans here, of course,
all wearing yellow ribbons

in support of
this brave little boy.

And his hero, Joe Cooper,
promising to hit
three home runs,

a promise that could mean
the difference between
life and death

for this brave little boy.

Hey, Pete,
what's the matter
with Coop tonight?

I don't know,
but he's 1 for 11

and he smells like
Christian Slater.

Coop
in the home run circle,

getting ready
to take his shot.

It's up. It's good!

Coop sinks his second
home run of the game.

His blood sugar's
way up since yesterday.

Has there been any change
in his fluid intake?

Sweet Jesus!
His sodium level's
through the roof!

It's the strangest thing.

He's eight years old,
and he smells like
Robert Downey Jr.

Ninth inning.
Everyone's stomach
in knots here

as Coop steps up
for his last at bat.

Coop! Coop!
One more chance for
that third home run.

Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Hey, she's here, man,
that girl from the bar.

That's a guy.
What?

A guy?
Yeah, that's a dude.

No way,
you're just saying that

'cause you want her
for yourself.

No, dude, I'm saying that
because she's a guy.

It's impossible.
Just look at her.

She's got the cutest
little upturned nose,
the softest lips,

the sweetest
Adam's apple.

Yeah. I think I can smell
her perfume from here.

Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Coop calls for quiet.

One more chance for
that third home run.

He's in deep focus
out there, Bob.

This obviously
means a lot to him.

He shoots!
It's going, going...

Looks like Coop has made
a dream come true

for a very brave little...

Wow. The Lord must
really have it in
for that little boy.

Oh, why? Why? Why?

Come on, Coop.
It's over.

Poor Joey. Why?
I'm sorry, dude.

If you're looking
for Joey Thomas,

he's been moved next door.

Oh.
Hey!

Oh, my God!

Oh, why? Why? Why?

Gentlemen,
he's in this room.

Joey! Joey!

I'm here for you, dude.

The operation went fine.

I mean, just after
your game, we thought
he was suffocating.

He kept screaming,
"Choke! Choke!"

Then he lost consciousness.
He'll be fine in the morning.

But don't stay too long.
He needs his sleep.

Joey, I'm sorry I missed
that third home run.

But remember how I said that
dreams really do come true?

Well, they don't.

Coop, he's awake!
I think he's trying
to tell you something.

What is it, Joey? What?

Hey, he's turning blue.

Oh, my God!
This poor kid's freezing.

He needs a blanket.
Where's a blanket?

Sir, sir.
Can I borrow
your blanket?

Don't worry,
I'm here for you
too, Joey.

Sir, let me borrow
your blanket!

Here you go, little buddy.
This should keep you warm.

Holy mother of God!
He's flatlining!

- You killed him.
- Oh, my God!

I didn't kill him.
Dude, you missed

the third home run
and you killed him.

No! No, I'm not going
to give up on this kid!

- Coop, calm down, man.
- Come on, Joey.

Come back to me.

Coop, get a hold
of yourself.
Coop, no!

Leave me alone!

Live, damn it! Live!

What the hell
are you doing?

Where are those
little heart paddle things
that George Clooney uses?

- Not those.
- Dude, let's just bail.

Give me these things.
You're gonna kill him!

Clear!
Clear!

No pulse, Coop.
Crank up the voltage.

10,000 volts.
Clear!

Clear!

Up it to 15,000!
15,000 volts.

No!
Clear!

Coop, do you know
what you're doing?

What's it look like?
An execution?

Damn it, man! I'm trying
to save an innocent life!

I'm giving it
all I've got, Captain.

I love you, always have.

Clear!

This isn't working.
We gotta try
open heart massage.

I need a rib separator
and a scalpel.
Where do I cut?

Start in the middle
and work your way around.

He's a flat-liner.
Code blue, Nurse!

Seventy ccs of
sodium pentothal, stat!

I didn't kill him.
Get away from him.
Get out of here.

Cardiac syringe
coming through!

Hard left! Hard left!
What the...

Reggie Jackson
having an incredible night.
Reggie! Reggie!

Two for two with a walk,
four runs batted in,

and he's already hit
two home runs tonight.

And you have to wonder
just what Charlie Hough
must be thinking

as Reggie steps
into the box here
in the eighth.

Reggie! Reggie!

- There's a fly ball...
- Nature's fury

when man and beast collide
on the back roads
and byways of America.

Aw!

Aw!

Aw!

I can't believe those assholes
taped over the game.

Aw!

Aw! Aw!

Jenna.
Hi.

Oh, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

No, no, I was just, uh,
fixing clam chowder.

Uh, come in.

Well, when you weren't
at the hospital,
I came right over.

Apparently, there was some
sort of terrorist attack
on the post-op ward.

Terrorist?
Yeah.

Evidently,
they were disguised
as BASEketball players.

They went on
some sort of rampage,

and I was so worried
about Joey.

Was he, uh... Is he...

Oh, he's fine. He came
through the operation
with flying colors.

All right!

With that new liver,
he should be peeing like
a champ in no time, huh?

That's kidneys, Coop.
Oh.

Hmm.
Well, uh, have a seat.

I just wanted to stop by
and thank you

for all that
you've done for Joey.

Oh, it's nothing.

I'm sure he's going
to remember this day
for the rest of his life.

Yeah, I don't doubt that.

Oh! What a great picture.

Look at you guys.
You seem so happy.

Yeah, I... I guess we were.

We were just best friends
playing ball in the driveway,
you know?

Next thing I know,
I'm on ESPN
and Wheaties boxes.

And I guess that's
all pretty sweet.

But nowadays,
since Denslow's been gone,

I'm in charge of the team,
and the whole league now.

Sometimes I forget
why I play the game.

Why do you play it, Coop?

Mr. October.

The guy in
the Chippendales calendar?

No, that was
Dwayne Zackemore.

I mean, whoever it was
that month.

I, uh... I'm talking
about Reggie Jackson.

I saw him play in
a World Series once.

He hit three home
runs in one game.

I caught the third one
in the stands.

I remember growing up,
it meant so much to me.

All I ever dreamed of
was to be that guy,

have that
one shining moment.

Be a hero.

You already are a hero, Coop.

You've won these
kids' hearts, but...

What?

Well, I'm just worried about
getting attached.

I mean,
the kids getting attached.
I don't want them to be hurt.

Jenna, I would
never do anything
to hurt these kids.

But what Joey
really needs to know

is where are you
going to be next year?

Right here.

And the next year,
and the year after that.

Right up until
Joey grows up

and gets a driver's license

and starts
going out with girls

and meets the right one

and forgets about
BASEketball altogether.

Goes home,
does some push-ups,

fucks the sleeve of
his favorite jacket.

What?
Huh?

I'm just saying
we'll be here for Joey.
I promise.

Oh, Coop,
I want to believe you.

I want to believe you
more than anything...

Yo, Coop, check out
all this cool shit
we got at the hospital!

Ooh, hey, Jenna.
Hey, Doug.

Wow. You're looking
a little flushed.
Do you have a temperature?

No. I'm... I'm fine.
Here, open your
blouse and say, "Ah."

Remer!
Doug, I...
I got to go.

No, Jenna... Aw!
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I got to go.

Jenna! Aw!

Aw!

Thanks a lot, Dr. Dickhead.
You totally fucked me there.

Dude, relax.
It was just a joke.

Dude, why don't
you give it up.
She doesn't even like you.

Oh, you think she has
the hots for you?

Shit, Squeak here
has a better chance
with her than you do.

Hey, you think?
That's low,
you son of a bitch.

What? Why is that low?

Dude, I know you're feeling
jealous right now,
but you can't blame me

because I have a sweet ass.
I can't help it.

I'm doing the Happy Dance.

Doing the Happy Dance.

Does this thing work?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Can you hear me
in this?
Oh. Yeah, yeah.

This is cool, here.
Check it out.

Asshole!

Do you want
to get a sandwich?
Yeah, let's get a sandwich.

Yeah, let's get a sandwich.
Goddamn. Ugh!

Mr. Cain, Doug Remer
is here to see you.

Remer?
I thought I asked him
to come tomorrow.

Well, yes, sir,
but he's here now
in the trophy room.

- The trophy room?
- Mr. Cain...

Mr. Cain? Mr. Cain?

This is sweet.

Mr. Remer.

Oh, hey. Mr. Cain.

I see you've been admiring
my little museum.

Is... Is that really...

Yes. When I see
something I want,
I get it.

Remind me the next time
you're here to show you

the prize in
the whole collection.

My autographed Ty Cobb bat.

I'm planning to expand
the museum out here next year.

Killer setup, Mr. Cain.

What do you pay
in rent here?
Nothing. I own it.

Oh, that reminds me.
Can you break a 20?

What, dollars?
I didn't think so.

Let me get straight
to the point, Don.

May I call you Don?
Yeah, I guess so.

Don, when I see one of
BASEketball's hottest stars

with less than
$20 in his pocket,

driving an American car

and sharing a small house
with two other guys,

you know what
that says to me?

Homos?
No.

No, no. It says
you're underappreciated.

And underpaid!
Oh, yeah, I mean,
I guess we are underpaid.

Well, I want
to change all that.

Players of your caliber
should be making
the big bucks.

Don't you agree?

Remer! Remer!

Try to stay with me
on this, all right?
All right.

Now, last week,
I tried to get Coop

to agree to certain
rule changes

that would
make you millions.

Me? Millions?
Uh-huh.
Now listen carefully.

Do you think
Shaq got rich
playing in Orlando?

Hardly.
He made his fortune
moving to LA.

You know how much
he makes now?

As much as he made
playing in college?

What? No! A lot more,
big money.

And you can, too!
Would I have to
quit BASEketball?

What? No! I need you
to get Coop to go along!

He'd have to quit
BASEketball, too?

Did I just fart?

Top of the seventh,
and those cheers
you're hearing

are from the nearly 15,000
on hand here
for Anal Probe Night.

So, two outs, and Doug Remer
heading for the triple square.

He's 0 for 12 so far tonight.
In fact, with the exception
of Coop,

the Beers are ice cold.

Oh, man,
that doesn't even qualify
as an air ball!

And the Beers
are gone in the seventh.

The Aliens now coming up
with the top of their order,

which, if you're scoring
at home,

is the same three guys
who came up last inning.

All right,
what the hell's
going on?

You guys
are lying down
out there!

Oh, I get it.
You guys are pissed off.

Uh, why?

Dude, you turned down
Cain's offer without
even talking to us.

Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.

All right,
what do you want, dude?

Dude, what do you think?

We invented
this game together,

but you get
to control everything.

Listen, Cain has some
pretty good ideas...

Dude, Denslow gave me
the team, all right?

I already told Cain no.
Dude, I'm sure Denslow

is happy in his
little worm farm but...
Dude, I'm not going to do it.

All right, dude,
listen to me carefully.

Do you think Shaq got rich
playing in Orlando?

No, he got rich
playing in college.
Everybody knows that.

Dude, it's not
about the money.

It's about tradition.

Look, think about the greats
who have played this game.

It's because of them.

It's because of us,
that I can't bow down
to a guy like Cain.

Dude, that's easy
for you to say,

because you got the team!
We got jack shit!

Even Squeak is pissed off!
Oh, hell,
I never really minded...

Shut up, bitch!
Dude, quit thinking
about yourself for a change!

Dude, I'm not gonna cave in.
End of story, dude.

Dude.
Dude!

Dude!
Dude!

Dude!
Dude!

Dude!

Dude.

Well, I guess
you've got a point there.

All right, look,
maybe I was wrong.

From now on,
we're full partners.

Really?
And you guys.

From now on,
you all own part
of the team, too.

Really? You'd be willing
to do that for us?

Yeah, and that's not all.
I'm talking prime
equity stock options,

comprehensive health care,
full dental, traveling HMO,

and the first 20 weeks
of psychiatric care

free of charge,
the way it should be!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Come on down!
Who wants them?

Yes!

Go, Beers!

Hey, Smitz,
you wanna see a scary face?

Yeah!

What?
Dude!

Hey!

He can't do that!

Oh, shit!

There were
four of them in the corral.

The once-proud beast,
the broken girl,

her mother, and finally,
the man they called
the Whisperer.

The woman stared hopefully

into the ancient
cowboy's weathered face.

"Can you help her?"
"Lady, I repair cows,
not people."

His disjointed voice seemed
to be coming from afar...

And the Beers
win their tenth
consecutive game.

I don't know
what's happening...

Who's this bimbo
Coop's got the hots for?

Oh, that's Jenna Reed.
She's the director
of some kids' charity,

Um, Dream Come
True Foundation.
Oh.

I know six men
on their board of directors.

Baxter Cain is
not going quietly
into the good night.

Hey, Baxter?
Who's Ty Cobb?
Hmm?

Oh, my God!
Did I just fart?

Ninth inning.
Beers just one out away
from making the playoffs.

They'll have to get by
Big Ed Tuttle

and the LA Riots
to ice this one.

That's him, Squeak.
That's Tuttle.

He's been talking
some serious shit
about you all night.

What?

Yeah, he told everyone
that he caught you
jacking off

in the bathroom
before the game.

He saw that?

You got to get
this guy, Squeak.

Look at him, man.
He... He's huge!

You want me
to psyche him out?

Dude, he'll never expect it
coming from you.

Here, say this.

I'm not going to
remember all that!

All right, here then.
C'mon, this is for
the playoffs, dude.

You get this guy,
and we're in!

Don't worry,
we've got your back!

Oh, my God.

Hey, Tuttle!
Yeah?

Your mother's deaf.

My mother's dead,
you little twerp.

I guess that's why
she didn't move around a lot.

Unbelievable!
The Beers win!

Yes! Sweet! Good going!

The Beers have done it!

Dude! Sweet! Yes!

Talkin' away

I don't know
what's left to say

I'll say it anyway

The Beers win
a spot in the playoffs

by beating Los Angeles
on an unlikely psyche
out by Squeak Scolari.

Take on me

Dude,
he is pissed!

I didn't go over
the line on that, did I?
No, not at all.

Don't worry
about it, dude.

Jenna! Jenna!

Hey, you missed it.
We won!
We kicked ass!

Let them flow, baby,
we're in the playoffs!

Yeah,
let the tears come.

You're going to make me
start crying now.

No...
I know, I guess this
really is emotional.

Should we do it?
Should we just cry?

I think we should, I mean,
no one's watching.

We won the game,
we've got friends,
we've got everything!

Will you stop that?

I'm not crying
because I'm happy.

I just got the news.
Our funding has been cut.

They're going to close
the Foundation.

Can they do that?

Those poor kids.
We can't let this happen.

We got to do something!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to come and ruin
your big night.

I'm sorry!
No, Jenna.
Jenna, wait.

Gentlemen!
Mr. Cain.

I couldn't help but
overhear your conversation
with Miss Reed.

Dude, what are you
doing here?
Oh, I jet here, I jet there.

Anyway, I just wanted
to assure you,

there's no reason
for your girlfriend's
foundation

to go into Chapter 11.

Or for that matter,
12, 13 or 14.

Uh, but I think I may have
a solution to her problem.
Here.

It's a time-tested moneymaker.
Every athlete does it.

You want me to have
bigger titties?
What?

No, no.

The clothing line.
A Beers clothing line.

No, dude, that's against
the BASEketball bylaws.

Not if the proceeds
go to charity.
Think about it.

Miss Reed's foundation
will never have to worry
about funding again.

Awesome, dude!
I think we should
definitely do it!

Excuse us.

Look, will you let me
do the talking here?

There's no way I'm doing
any kind of deal
with this piece of shit.

Wait, I thought it was we.
Remember, it's not
just up to you anymore.

All right, well, we can
come up with a better way
to get money for Jenna.

Like how?

See? Thought so.
Mr. Cain?
Hmm?

As part owner of the Beers,
I'd just like to say,
where do I sign?

Congratulations, Don.
This is going to
change your life.

I look out
for my womens!

Now before we discuss
fabric or color,
we got to decide

where we can make
this stuff cheap.
Freedom! Freedom!

Right.
We'll do a big media blitz.
And don't worry

about Coop.
He'll come around.

Hi there, I'm Dan Patrick.
And I'm Kenny Mayne.

With the first seven months
of the BASEketball
post-season out of the way,

the playoff picture is
now starting to emerge.

So, with last night's
victory over Boston,

next week the Beers
must beat Indianapolis

in order to advance
to Charlotte.

That's in an effort to reduce
their magic number to three.

Right, and then,
the Beers can advance

to the National
Eastern Division North
to play Tampa.

So, if the Beers
beat Detroit,
and Denver beats Atlanta

in the American Southwestern
Division East Northern,

then Milwaukee goes
to the Denslow Cup,

unless Baltimore
can upset Buffalo
and Charlotte ties Toronto.

Then Oakland would play
LA and Pittsburgh
in a blind choice round-robin.

And if no clear winner
emerges from all this,

a two-man sack race
will be held on
consecutive Sundays

until a champion
is crowned.
Right.

Coop! Coop! Coop!

After the grueling
regular BASEketball season,

we're now in month nine
of the playoffs.

No, Daddy,
don't touch me there!

The Beers,
vying with San Francisco

for a slot in
the Denslow Cup game.

Ninth inning,
Ferries up by one,
Coop steps in.

It's back, way back.
Good! Home run!
Coop ties it up!

That could mean
extra innings.

Yeah!

What's this guy?

He's my entertainment lawyer.
He's helping me
with my movie contract.

Oh, now you're such
a big shot,

you're gonna act
in a Hollywood movie?

Fucking sellout.

Now shooting, number 17,

Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!

Beers win! Beers win!

And the Beers
have done it!

They're on their way
to the Denslow Cup!

Dude, who is that?
Who's it look like?

Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year.

Hello! Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year!

What's that?
It's a commitment ring.

What, for Jenna?
Yeah.

I'm letting her know
that I'm ready to consider

thinking about
dating her exclusively.

Well, I'm giving Jenna
a pre-commitment ring.

It's a promise to pledge
that we'll think
about getting engaged

just as soon as we're ready
to make a commitment.

What the hell are
you talking about?
You don't care about Jenna!

You were just in a hot tub
naked with Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year!

You know what?
That hurts, man.
That really hurts.

My clothing line
is single-handedly
saving Jenna's foundation.

Oh, sorry, I forgot how much
Doug Remer cares about kids.

Gentlemen?
Mr. Cain.

Hate to interrupt
your celebration,
but I have something

you might be interested in.

Go ahead, don't be shy.
It concerns you.

Open it! I think
you'll find it interesting.
What's that old saying...

"A penny saved is
a penny earned"?

"Don't eat cheese
before noon..."
Shut up!

How about, "One picture
is worth a thousand words."

- Oh, that's a good one!
- God, these are awful!

What kind of lowlife scum
would use children this way?

You would.
Me? Never!

Gentlemen, those are pictures
of the Beers clothing line
being made in

Calcutta.

Oh, just great!
Of course,
if they ever get out,

the Beers,
and your girlfriend's
little foundation,

would be ruined.

Yipes!

But, rest assured,
there's no reason
to be panicked.

Those pictures
never have to see
the light of day, if...

If what?

If you two miss
the next Beers game.

Dude, the next game
is the Denslow Cup!

I can see you've
been reading the papers.

Listen, boys, just do
as I say. You play ball,
and you'll be just fine.

I thought you said you didn't
want us to play ball.

I want you to play ball
with me.

You want us
to play for Dallas?

Huh?

Huh!

Huh.

Oh, I get it.
You don't want us to show up
at the game at all!

Of course, you numbskulls!
It's called blackmail!

Good evening.

God damn it, Remer,
I told you this was going
to happen, didn't I?

Hey, if you would have
agreed to Cain's changes

in the first place, it never
would have gotten this far!

Dude, because of you,
Jenna's foundation
is totally screwed!

Me? I was the one
trying to...
Oh, there you are!

Jenna!

- I saw the pictures!
- This is awful!

It's going to mean
the end of the Foundation.

You know,
it's not endowed like...

Well, like...

Jenna, I can explain.

Yes, it was his fault.
Me?

This is your mess,
Remer. I should've kept
the team to myself!

Dude, I just don't
know you anymore!
Enough!

Look at yourselves.

You're just typical men,
with humongous egos!

You're like every
other pro athlete.

I should have kept
those kids away from you.

Their little lives are ruined
and all you can do

is argue about
who is the bigger penis?

I mean, child.

Long wanger. Oh.

Throbbing cock.

God, I don't even know
what I mean anymore!

Jenna, wait!
You've got
to believe us, Jenna!

It was all Coop's fault!

Dude, could I talk
to you over here?
Mmm-hmm.

You know something,
Pig Fucker?
Can I call you Pig Fucker?

No, only my friends
can call me Pig Fucker.

Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow!

You know what, Coop?

You're not
my best friend anymore.
How do you like that?

I love it!
Good, I'm glad!

I'm sick of playing
second fiddle to you,

and you getting
all the recognition.

I'm getting myself
a new best friend.

Wake up, bitch.
You're my new best friend.

Really? What?

Are we going
to the zoo?

Fine! I don't need you.
I'll get myself
a new best friend, too!

So, go ahead.
Go back to your fancy cars,
and your big bank accounts,

and your celebrity friends,
and your beautiful women,

and Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year...

Fuck!

Your life is
spinning out of control

Seems the whole world
is out to get you

Everything is wrong
Nothing seems right

There's a sinking feeling
inside

Even your best friend
has turned his back

But you can't let it
bring you down

No, you've got to fight

'Cause you try,
but you can't let go

It's when you're down
that you got to get up

Don't let 'em walk
all over your face

Stand up for yourself
And make everything
right again

Even if some guy's trying
to blackmail you

And your girlfriend
thinks you suck

It's up to you
to let them know

That it was all just part of
some rich guy's evil plan

Look out ahead
There's a truck changing lanes

You got some yellow crumbs
on your upper lip

And those warts on your dick
aren't going to go away

Unless you start using
topical cream every day

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Calcutta
International Airport,

where it is
currently 95 degrees
with a light drizzle.

We hope you enjoy your stay
here in lovely Calcutta.

Taxi!

Amoka, come on!

Ugh!

Driver, I'm in a hurry!

Look, just take me
to 7-1-1...

Aw!

Here you are,
Beerswear Factory.

Hey, you, is this...
I'm sorry, no entrance.

Who the hell are you?
I factory manager. Who you?

I Joe Cooper.
I mean, I'm Joe Cooper.

Wait, Mr. Cooper,
you must put on hard hat!

Oh, this is awful.
Oh, this isn't good!

Do any authorities
know about this?

Oh! Oh!
Wait, Mr. Cooper, wait.
Wait please, Mr. Cooper!

Put that down!

A young man.
His whole life in front
of him disappears.

A familiar story, yes.
But this is no ordinary Joe.

Joseph R. Cooper,
perhaps the most
loved sports figure

in the country, vanished.

According to
Mrs. Elsie Melcher,

a neighbor who asked not
to be identified,

Joe Cooper left his house
two weeks ago.

According to
Angelique Bones,

a nosy bitch
who lives up the street,

he took with him only
a toothbrush, a wallet,

a steamer trunk and
a plane ticket to Calcutta.

Police theorize
several possible scenarios

of what happened

to the man affectionately
known to the world as "Coop."

Oh, I don't know
where the hell he is.

For all I care, he could be
hanging by his neck

in his fucking closet.

Scenario Number One.

He's hanging by his neck
in his fucking closet.

The night before
his disappearance,

Coop's girlfriend
had paid him a visit.

According to friends,
they had quarreled.

If you're looking
for Joe Cooper,

I suggest you look
wherever you find

the most heinous,
blatant and vile

exploitation of children
on the planet.

Scenario Number Two.
Coop went to Disney World.

Here's a photograph
of Joe Cooper taken

just days before
his disappearance.

And here's
a computer-enhanced
simulation

of what he might
look like today.

From Milwaukee,
Wisconsin, on the shores
of Lake Michigan,

it's the Denslow Cup, where
the defending champions,
the Dallas Felons,

meet their
perennial challengers,
the Milwaukee Beers.

Hello, I'm Al Michaels
along with Bob Costas
inviting you

to join us here
at Beers Garden
for Denslow Cup V.

And we're in for
a classic battle tonight.

You're absolutely
right about that, Al.

We have over
a hundred million people
throughout the world

tuned in to see this game.

Many of them, of course,
with no understanding
of the sport itself,

but nonetheless fascinated
by the flickering images
and the bright, pretty colors.

And high up in the stands,
pyrotechnic expert
Sergio "Lucky" Ferouch

is readying
another spectacular
halftime fireworks display.

All right, you guys.
You ready to kick some ass?

What's wrong, you guys?
Why the long faces?

We miss Coop.
Can't win without him.

We don't need Coop.
I'll lead you to victory!

We're supposed
to be a team.

Without Coop,
it's not the same.

Look, even if
Coop was to walk
in here right now,

it wouldn't change
the outcome of
this game one iota.

We can win this thing!
Are you with me?
Yeah, yeah!

That's the spirit.
Are you with me?
Yeah! Yeah!

All right,
Coop's here!

And we're underway here
for Denslow Cup V.

A stunned crowd of over
18,000 witnessing the Beers

being thoroughly dominated
by the Felons.

Come on, Beers!
Go, Coop!

Hey, guys, I thought
I told you we weren't
gonna watch this game.

Oh, come on, Miss Reed.
It's the Denslow Cup!

These are not the kind
of people to be looked
up to or emulated.

The severed
and mutilated head was stamped
and postmarked Denver.

The owner still has
not stepped forward.

Update. The disappearance of
the Milwaukee
Beers BASEketball star.

When Joe Cooper
discovered that

most of the workers in
the Beerswear Factory
were youngsters,

not even old enough
for prostitution,

he personally flew
to Calcutta.

His new, all-adult workforce
now makes a decent wage,

enjoys full medical benefits
and in-house child care.

All of us here are glad that
such a terrific human being
like Joe Cooper has returned.

If I were a woman,
I'd sure like to be
his girlfriend.

Walking in the park,
hand in hand,
wrapping my legs around him,

cuddling in
the spoon position,
our hearts beating in unison,

staring into his eyes over
our morning coffee...

Uh, yes, yes, thank you.

When we come back,
our next unsolved mystery...

Come on, kids.

- We're going to the game!
- Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your seventh-inning
stretch entertainment,

the National
BASEketball League
is proud to present

a salute to our
South Sea neighbors,
Viva Calypso!

We're up 16-0
at the break.

Have the trucks pull up
to the locker room.

We'll sort out the stuff
when we get to Jacksonville.
Okay.

Hey, Baxter. I finally
got all the chrome
off this for you.

Nice. Very nice.
You want me
to start on this one?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please direct
your attention now

to the Malakalaka
Balance Board of Trust,

a symbol of brotherhood
in many Polynesian countries.

Assuming the roles of
the downtrodden
but happy natives,

with their
good-luck pineapple,
your Milwaukee Beers!

Thanks for
flying back, Coop.

You really made
a big difference
in the score.

Dude, if I wouldn't have
been cleaning up your mess,

I wouldn't be jet-lagged
and shitting curry!

Hey, guys,
knock it off, all right?

And representing their
white colonial oppressors,

the Dallas Felons!

And now, let's all join
our Caribbean brothers

in the ceremonial
South Sea handshake
above the Lagoon of Peace.

- All right, let go!
- You let go!

Stop it. Stop it!

Guys, come on, man!

Would you stop it?
Money-grubber!

Power monger!
Cock!

Guys, stop it!

Whoa!

Hey!

You son of a bitch!
You asshole!

Die!
Eat shit!

Hey! Would you just stop it?
Would you hold on a minute?

Look at you guys,
fighting on
the Malakalaka board!

You should be ashamed
of yourselves!

Back in the driveway,
we were nothing!

Now we've risen
to the highest level,

but you're
throwing it all away!

If you've forgotten
what BASEketball
means to America,

you have only to look
at this board,

the Malakalaka
Balance Board of Trust.

Don't you see
what we have here?

A game where guys
with bad backs
and bad knees

can get together
and compete
on the same field

as guys that are all
goosed up on steroids.

But more than anything,

isn't this game about getting
together with your friends
and just having a good time?

I remember.

I remember a long time ago,
I didn't have anybody.

And you guys took me in.

I guess that's why it kills me
to see you like this.

If we can't be friends,
then the heart and soul
are out of this game.

Certainly out of me!
I know I'll never
get that back again.

We have sullied the waters
of the Lagoon of Peace!

I'm begging you, for the love
of our Caribbean brothers,

dudes, stop this madness!

Hang on!
Oh, my God!

Remember to hold
your breath just
before we hit!

Never let go!

Bob, this has to be the most
spectacular extravaganza
I have ever seen!

You can cram three seats
into the space it takes

for one wheelchair,

not to mention
the wasted space

it takes for
the oxygen bottle.

Hell, those little shits
never pay full price anyway!

Baxter! I just realized
I can't stand you!

So you can kiss
these puppies good-bye!

Oh.

Shit, Coop.
I'm sorry.

I guess the money
did go to my head.

No, I'm sorry, Remer.

I think I've got a lot
to learn about sharing.

Look at me.
I've become everything
I used to hate.

Maybe we just
grew up too fast.

My worst enemy
turned out to be me.

Dude.
Dude.

Dude.
Dude.

Hey, look,
I've got two over...

All right,
let's go win ourselves
a championship!

Yeah!
Yeah!

She was a little green

He was just a little mean

They were together
all the time

So now no one can forget
this thing that happens
all the time

She would do anything

Yo, Darcy.
Yeah?

Hey, that's my wife!
Yeah, and this is me!

They live together
all the time

So now no one can forget
this little thing

That's on her mind

It's a waste to wonder
what's a heart these days

It takes a lot to give up
and just leave those who...

Hey, Dirk!
What is it?

I hear your sister's
going out with Squeak!

Hey!

And Squeak Scolari
crosses the plate again

as the Beers have come
roaring back since the break.

Bob, this is more like
the Beers team
we've seen all season.

Ninth inning, two outs.

Beers still down
by two runs.

Felons on first and third.

The Beers have to stop
Dallas here if they want
to stay in this game.

And
the always dangerous
Grumsky coming up.

We've got to get
this guy, Coop.

He hasn't missed
a shot all night.

I know,
but I don't know what to say.
Nothing works on him.

Hey!
Tell him he's fat!

Dude, that's not cool.

Yeah, it is.
That's not cool.

No, no, no.
Just do it
really subtle.

Subtle.

Hey, Grumsky,
you losing weight?

Hey, big ass! Seriously,
you're fucking fat!

You're goddamn fucking fat.
How'd you get so fucking fat?

Jesus!

And the Beers
hold them in the ninth
on a clutch psyche out

by "Coop" Cooper.

Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Bottom of the ninth.
Dallas, 16. Milwaukee, 14.

Remer on second,
Scolari on third.

And Coop's coming up.

And so, it all comes down
to this. One shot.

Coop makes it,
the Beers win the cup,
and get to keep the team.

Or, he misses.

Oh, my God.
La-Z-Boy has popped!

The ball Coop has used
every day of his career
is gone,

and a time-out
has been called

as the Beers star
tries to regroup.

Excuse me, driver,
do you think you
could go any faster?

Could I go any faster?

Yeah!
Hang on!

Yeah!

Whoa!

No doubt about it, Al.

The loss of this ball is
definitely going to affect
the outcome of this game.

Ow! Hey!

Come on, kids! Thomas,
where are you going?

It's just one shot.
You can do it!
We can win this thing!

Come on, Coop!
You can do it.

Coop! Stop! Don't shoot!

Wait!
Joey!

Here.
I brought this for you.

I made it myself.
Just like you.

Dude, you made this?

Well, Miss Reed helped me
for most of it.

But I finished it myself.

Joey, this is great.

Coop, you know what
Miss Reed told me tonight?

She said she wants me
to be a big sports star.

Just like Joe Cooper.

Thanks, dude.

Go get them, Coop.

Hey, Coop!

When's the last time
you made a home run
without La-Z-Boy?

Al, we have seen
some classic Denslow Cup
battles in the past,

but I can't remember one
that ever rivaled

the drama and excitement
of this one.

It's off the rim!

Could be a double play.
Darcy tips.

Jansen's try. No.

Beers have a shot
at the conversion.
Remer keeps it alive!

Last chance.

Coop up.

It's

good!

Bob, in all my years
of calling games,

I don't think I've ever
been this excited!

You're excited?
Feel these nipples!

Update. We still have
no fucking clue
where this guy is.

And I can wear anything

And I can be anything

Tonight I don't wanna
feel wonderful

Tonight I don't wanna feel bad

'Cause tonight will be
the night of my dreams

Tonight I don't wanna
feel anything

And then things moved in
Took no time at all

Tonight I don't wanna
feel wonderful

Hey, whoa!

Hey! Come on!

Hey!

All right.

Coop, what?

Who is it?
It's Reggie.

Reggie Jackson.

Well, go. Go ahead.

Reggie.
Coop. Nice going out there.

Thanks, man.
But, you know,
I got to tell you.

It's because of you
that I'm here.
That's nice to know.

I brought this for you.
I saw some kid try to leave
the ballpark with it.

You got to hang on
to that.

I got the two home run balls
I hit in the World Series.

Some wretched little shit
got the third one.

That sucks, dude.

I got to get my trophy.
Maybe we can have
a hot dog sometime?

All right, sounds good.
Hey, Coop!

I don't have
your fucking ball!

Good luck next year.

Oh. Thanks.

Hey, Baxter!

Got milk?

Oh, I'm sorry!

And so, on behalf of
the National
BASEketball League,

we'd like to
present to the Beers
this year's Denslow Cup.

Congratulations!

Go ahead,
and take a victory lap.

And so, as they skate off,
all you can think about is

a team that
conquered adversity,
a team that overcame the odds,

a team that defied
the critics,

a team that blah,
blah, blah, blah...

And so, the ideal
of sports once again
blossomed from a tiny seed,

nurtured, as always,
by the dreams of the young.

Yeah! I'm the King
of the World! Yeah!

You've been psyched out
and you're goin' down

I'm the trash-talkin'
talented, no-class clown

I will abuse you
until you lose

You can go on home and pout
You've been psyched out

You talked to 20 men
Your shoe's untied

And your mama never loved you

Mama never loved you

She said she did
but she's ugly and she lies

She's never thinkin' of you

Mama doesn't love you

You ain't cut
from the right cloth

You don't got what it takes

Now you blew it
Oh, another stupid mistake

Another bad, bad break

You been psyched out
and you're goin' down

I'm a trash-talkin'
talented, no-class clown

I will abuse you
until you lose

You can go on home and pout
You've been psyched out

Oh, yeah!

Doorways open up and close

More ways to a punch line

They're all laughin'
at your clothes

Standin' in
the lunch line

You're the talk
of the town

First you're up
then you're down

It's a cycle I've found
It always comes around

But I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

Air raids in the afternoon

The children are playin'

Switchblades
Colored red balloons

No one hears you prayin'

And it comes back to you
All the things that you do

They'll come lookin' for you
They'll come lookin' for you

But I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

Doorways lead to other rooms

Always leave you lyin'

Face down in a stranger's tomb

Didn't know you were dyin'

And you rise and you fall

And you wait for the call

You're watchin' the walls
You're watchin' the walls

But I will still be laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Laughin', laughin', laughin'

Laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

Laughin', laughin', laughin'

Laughin'

Dude.
Dude.

Dude.
Dude.