Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious (2012) - full transcript

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[thrilling orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ALL RIGHT.

WASHINGTON, D.C.,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT

TO THE TAPING FOR MY



SECOND STAND-UP SPECIAL.

[cheers and applause]

VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE.

BEFORE WE START THE SHOW,

I KNOW THERE'S PROBABLY

SOME SIGNS UP SAYING,

NO PHOTOS AND THINGS

OF THAT NATURE,

AND THAT'S JUST BECAUSE

OBVIOUSLY WE'RE TAPING THIS.

AND ALSO,

WHEN I DO THESE SHOWS,

PEOPLE CAN START

TAKING PHOTOS,



AND THERE'LL BE

A LOT OF FLASHING,

AND ORANGE LIGHTS UP, AND IT CAN

BE A LITTLE DISTRACTING

WHEN I'M TRYING TO FOCUS

ON THE PERFORMANCE.

BUT WHAT I REALIZE IS THAT

PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A SHIT,

AND THEY

TAKE PHOTOS ANYWAY.

BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME SHITTY

PEOPLE THAT COME TO THESE SHOWS.

I MEAN, LOOK HOW MANY

PEOPLE ARE HERE.

SOME OF YOU

ARE SHITTY PEOPLE.

THERE'S NO QUESTION.

IF WE MET

IN ANY OTHER CONTEXT

BESIDES YOU PAYING ME MONEY

TO SEE ME TELL JOKES,

I'M SURE THERE ARE SOME OF YOU

I WOULD HATE WITH A PASSION.

NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

I REALLY HATE

SOME OF YOU A LOT.

SO, WHAT I THOUGHT

WE COULD DO AS A COMPROMISE--

RIGHT NOW,

BEFORE I START THE SHOW,

I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE

LIKE PHOTOS AND STUFF,

SO RIGHT NOW,

BEFORE WE START THE SHOW,

I'M GONNA PRETEND LIKE

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A JOKE,

AND YOU CAN TAKE AS MANY

PHOTOS AS YOU WANT,

AND THEN AFTER THAT,

WE'LL HAVE A GREAT SHOW, OKAY?

SO, HERE WE GO.

IF YOU WANT TO SNAP A PHOTO,

GO FOR IT.

SOME FAKE JOKE WHERE I NEED

TO GO THROUGH A CRAWLSPACE.

LET'S ACT LIKE--LET'S ACT

LIKE AN INCIDENT HAPPENED

WITH AN AUDIENCE MEMBER.

LIKE, SIR,

COULD YOU STAND UP

AND ACT LIKE YOU'RE

YELLING AT ME ABOUT SOMETHING?

SO, YOU CAN SHOW

THAT PHOTO TO PEOPLE,

AND TELL 'EM, "YEAH,

AT ONE POINT IN THE SHOW,

"THIS GUY JUST STOOD UP

AND WAS LIKE,

"'WHITES ARE

THE SUPERIOR RACE!'

"AND AZIZ WAS LIKE,

'WHOA, THAT'S NOT COOL, SIR,

YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN.'"

ALL RIGHT, COOL. EVERYBODY GOOD

WITH PHOTOS AND EVERYTHING?

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR COMING OUT.

I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU

COMING OUT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I LIVE, UH--I LIVE

IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW,

[audience cheers]

AND--YES.

AND I'M SINGLE RIGHT NOW, AND--

[audience cheers]

OH, SHUT UP.

YOU DON'T MEAN THAT SHIT.

AND WHENEVER I GO OUT

TO BARS THERE,

I HAVE THIS ONE FRIEND

OF MINE.

HE'S ONE OF THESE GUYS,

HE'S LIKE, "AW, MAN.

"ANY CUTE GIRL YOU SEE,

JUST GO TALK TO HER, MAN.

"WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

"WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

ANY CUTE GIRL YOU SEE,

"JUST SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING,

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT.

"WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?"

I'LL TELL YOU

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

THAT GIRL IS GONNA BE MEAN AS

SHIT TO ME FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

WHY DO I WANT

TO DEAL WITH THAT?

"HI, HOW ARE YOU?"

"FUCK YOU!"

"ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

I'LL GO TALK TO MY FRIEND BRIAN.

HE'S ALWAYS NICE TO ME."

AND SURE, THAT'S A LITTLE BIT

OF AN EXAGGERATION,

BUT THAT IS

HOW IT FEELS SOMETIMES.

I ONCE WENT UP

TO THIS GIRL

'CAUSE I THOUGHT SHE HAD

A COOL PURSE ON HER SHOULDER.

I SAID,

"HEY, THAT'S A NICE BAG."

AND SHE SAID, "THANK YOU,"

AND WE STARTED TALKING,

AND SHE SEEMED NICE.

THEN AT ONE POINT,

HER FRIEND COMES OVER,

AND WHEN THE GIRL'S FRIEND

COMES OVER, SHE GOES,

"OH, HEY. THIS IS AZIZ.

HE CAME TO TALK TO ME 'CAUSE

HE THOUGHT I HAD A COOL BAG."

AND ROLLED HER EYES.

AND I THOUGHT,

"WOW, THAT'S REALLY RUDE.

NO REASON TO DO THAT.

I WAS JUST BEING NICE," RIGHT?

SO, I SAID TO MYSELF

RIGHT THERE,

"WHENEVER I LEAVE

THIS CONVERSATION,

"I'M GONNA MAKE SURE

THIS GIRL KNOWS

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT

ABOUT HER,

AND I REALLY

LIKE HER BAG."

SO, AT ONE POINT, WE'RE SITTING

THERE TALKING, AND I WAS LIKE,

"YEAH..."

[feigns laughter]

"HEY, WHAT'S THAT

OVER THERE?"

AND THEN I STOLE HER PURSE.

YEAH.

THAT BAG'S MINE NOW.

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO

GIRLS IN SITUATIONS LIKE THAT.

IT'S ALWAYS SO AWKWARD.

I WAS HAVING LUNCH

WITH A FRIEND OF MINE ONCE,

AND I TOLD HIM,

"HEY, THERE'S THIS ONE GIRL

"THAT WORKS

IN THIS RESTAURANT.

SHE'S SO CUTE, BUT I DON'T

KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HER."

AND HE GOES,

"OH, MAN, ALL YOU GOTTA DO

IS GO OVER THERE AND BE HONEST

WITH HER FOR A MINUTE."

REALLY?

THAT'S ALL I GOTTA DO?

SO, I JUST NEED TO WALK OVER--

"EXCUSE ME, MISS.

"I JUST NEED TO BE REAL HONEST

WITH YOU FOR A MINUTE.

"I EAT HERE ALL THE TIME,

AND WHEN I DO,

"I STARE AT YOUR FACE.

"AND I IMAGINE US FUCKING

WHILE I EAT MY SANDWICHES.

"LET ME KNOW IF YOU'D LIKE

TO TURN MY FANTASY

INTO YOUR REALITY."

I'M NOT SURE THAT WOULD

WORK OUT TOO WELL.

PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE YOU

THE SAME DUMB ADVICE

IN SITUATIONS LIKE THAT.

THEY'LL SAY THINGS LIKE,

"OH, JUST LEAVE HER A BIG TIP."

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

I JUST WALK OVER--

"YES, CAN I

GET A MUFFIN, PLEASE?

"HERE'S $100.

"I THINK YOU KNOW

WHAT THAT MEANS.

I'M WILLING TO HAVE SEX

WITH YOU FOR THE PRICE OF $98."

I WAS DOING

THAT JOKE ONE NIGHT,

AND THIS GUY

IN THE AUDIENCE JUST YELLS,

"JUST TELL HER

YOU'RE ON TV!"

YEAH. THERE'S NO WAY

I'LL SOUND LIKE A JERK

IF I DO THAT, RIGHT?

"EXCUSE ME, MISS.

I'M ON TV."

[clears throat]

"I SAID...

"I'M ON TV.

"I DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,

BUT THIS IS THE PART WHERE

YOU START SUCKING MY DICK."

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT SOME DUDES

THINK BEING ON TV'S LIKE.

I JUST WALK INTO BARS...

"WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?

JUST SO YOU KNOW,

"SOMEONE THAT'S APPEARED

ON TELEVISION IS HERE.

"SO, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED

IN GIVING ME A HANDJOB

IN THE RESTROOM,

LET'S LINE UP TO THE LEFT."

NO. THAT'S NOT

HOW IT WORKS AT ALL.

HOW IT WORKS

IS I WALK INTO A BAR,

AND FIVE DUDES ARE LIKE,

"OH, MAN, IT'S THAT BROWN GUY

I SAW ON THAT THING!"

[whining groan]

"OH, MAN, OH, MAN, BRO,

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE!

"YOU GOTTA TAKE A PHOTO

WITH ME AND MY PUPPY.

"MY PUPPY'S

BACK AT MY HOUSE, THOUGH.

WE GOTTA DRIVE THERE.

NOW."

THAT DOESN'T SOUND SAFE.

I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP

FOR A FEW YEARS,

AND I THINK IN THE TIME

I WAS IN THE RELATIONSHIP,

ALL DATING COMMUNICATION

WENT EXCLUSIVELY TO TEXT.

YOU CAN'T CALL

ANYBODY ANYMORE.

IF YOU CALL SOMEONE,

THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT? ARE YOU ON FIRE?

THEN QUIT WASTING MY TIME.

TEXT ME THAT SHIT."

AND I DON'T LIKE TEXTING PEOPLE.

ESPECIALLY GIRLS.

THERE'S ALWAYS MISCOMMUNICATION

THAT HAPPENS.

THIS IS A SITUATION

I GET INTO ALL THE TIME.

I'LL TEXT A GIRL,

SHE TEXTS ME BACK RIGHT AWAY.

I TEXT HER BACK RIGHT AWAY,

SHE TEXTS ME BACK RIGHT AWAY,

I TEXT HER BACK RIGHT AWAY,

SHE TEXTS ME BACK RIGHT AWAY,

I TEXT HER BACK RIGHT AWAY,

SHE TEXTS ME BACK RIGHT AWAY.

THEN I'LL SAY

SOMETHING LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, COOL, SO YOU WANNA

GET PIZZA ON TUESDAY?"

AND THEN I DON'T

HEAR ANYTHING.

AND I'M LIKE,

"WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

"I KNOW YOU READ THAT SHIT.

"YOU RESPONDED TO 20 OTHER

THINGS I JUST SAID.

"WHAT, DO YOU

NOT LIKE ME ANYMORE?

"YOU DON'T HAVE TWO SECONDS TO

SAY, 'YES, I WANT TO GET PIZZA''

"OR, 'NO, I DON'T

WANT TO GET PIZZA'?

"WHAT, DID YOU CHECK

YOUR PHONE INTO A LOCKER

"AND GO RIDE A ROLLER COASTER

FOR A FEW HOURS?

WHAT'S THE DEAL?"

AND AFTER A FEW HOURS OF

NO RESPONSE, I GET REAL UPSET.

AND I JUST WANT TO SEND A TEXT

THAT SAYS SOMETHING LIKE,

"WELL, GUESS WHO JUST GOT

UNINVITED TO THE PIZZA PARTY.

YOU DID,

'CAUSE I HATE YOU NOW."

GIRL ALWAYS WRITES

SOMETHING BACK.

"SORRY, I WAS AT MY NIECE'S

BALLET RECITAL.

WE HAD TO TURN OFF

OUR PHONES."

"WHATEVER. WE'RE DONE.

I FINISHED THAT PIZZA HOURS AGO.

I WENT WITH MY FRIEND BRIAN.

HE'S NICE TO ME."

I WENT OUT WITH THIS GIRL

IN L.A. A FEW TIMES.

SHE WAS REALLY NICE.

AND LAST TIME I WAS IN L.A.,

I CALLED HER UP

AND ASKED HER OUT

FOR DINNER.

AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"YEAH, SURE."

THEN TWO HOURS BEFORE OUR DATE,

SHE CALLS ME UP.

SHE GOES, "AZIZ, I REALLY WANT

TO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH YOU,

"BUT I KIND OF

HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW.

IS THAT A PROBLEM?"

AND I SAID,

"YEAH, IT'S KIND OF

"THE BIGGEST PROBLEM

WE COULD HAVE.

"WHY WOULD I

GO OUT WITH YOU

"IF YOU KIND OF

HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW?

"WHAT'S NEXT? 'HEY, AZIZ, I GOT

YOU TICKETS FOR THIS CARNIVAL,

"BUT YOU CAN'T RIDE ANY RIDES.

IS THAT A PROBLEM?'

"YEAH, IT'S A PROBLEM.

I WANTED TO RIDE THOSE RIDES.

"THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT

OF ME GOING TO THE CARNIVAL.

THESE TICKETS

YOU GAVE ME ARE USELESS."

"HEY, AZIZ, I GOT YOU

A PANINI PRESS OFF AMAZON,

"BUT I SHIPPED IT TO MY FRIEND

LISA INSTEAD OF YOU.

IS THAT A PROBLEM?"

"YEAH, IT'S A PROBLEM.

THAT'S NOT MY ADDRESS.

"AND I DON'T HAVE

LISA'S CONTACT INFO,

AND NOW THAT YOU MENTION

PANINIS, I REALLY WANT ONE."

WHAT'S THE BEST-CASE

SCENARIO?

WE GO OUT ON THIS AMAZING DINNER

DATE, HAVE A FANTASTIC TIME,

WE COME BACK TO MY PLACE.

SHE'S LIKE, "AZIZ,

"I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME

AT DINNER TONIGHT,

"AND I WANT TO GIVE YOU

A BLOWJOB.

"BUT I'M GONNA

USE MY BOYFRIEND'S PENIS

INSTEAD OF YOURS.

IS THAT A PROBLEM?"

"YEAH, IT'S A PROBLEM.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA

SUCK YOUR BOYFRIEND'S DICK

AT MY HOUSE."

IT'S ALWAYS KIND OF

DEPRESSING TO ME

WHEN I TALK TO GIRLS

THAT HAVE BOYFRIENDS,

BECAUSE WHEN YOU ASK THEM

HOW THEY MET THEIR BOYFRIEND,

IT'S NEVER A SWEET STORY LIKE,

"OH, HE WAS THIS NICE GUY,

"AND HE WAS DOING

VOLUNTEER WORK,

"AND ONE DAY HE SAID

SOMETHING NICE TO ME,

AND GAVE ME A FLOWER,

AND WE STARTED GOING OUT."

NO, IT'S ALWAYS

STORIES LIKE,

"I WAS AT THE CLUB,

AND THIS GUY CAME UP TO ME,

"AND WAS LIKE, 'I BEEN

STARING AT YOUR ASS ALL NIGHT.

"IS IT COOL IF I

TAKE YOU OUT SOMETIME?'

AND I WAS LIKE, 'YEAH.'"

"WHY WOULD YOU

SAY YES TO THAT?"

"I DON'T KNOW, WHAT'S

THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?"

WHAT'S THE WORST

THAT COULD HAPPEN?

HE COULD PUT SOMETHING

IN YOUR DRINK AND RAPE YOU.

THAT'S THE WORST

THAT COULD HAPPEN.

HE COULD MURDER YOU

AND USE YOUR LEGS

TO MAKE STILTS

THAT LOOK LIKE LEGS.

ANOTHER THING

THAT CAN HAPPEN.

BUT THAT'S MY PROBLEM,

IS I THINK TOO MUCH,

YOU KNOW.

GO TO A BAR,

AND WATCH PEOPLE.

YOU'LL SEE TWO DIFFERENT

TYPES OF GUYS.

THERE'S ONE TYPE OF GUY

THAT'S A GUY LIKE ME.

WE'RE USUALLY SITTING IN THE

CORNER, TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

"EH, EH, I DON'T KNOW..."

[whiny mumbling]

"LET'S JUST TALK TO

EACH OTHER TONIGHT, BRIAN."

THEN THERE'S

A SECOND TYPE OF DUDE.

THE DUMB DUDES.

THEY'RE AT THE BAR,

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING.

THEY'RE LIKE,

"GIMME A SHOT OF JAGERMEISTER!

"DROP IT IN A BEER WITH

A BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT!

"BLEH!

I'LL SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY!

WAAH!"

AND THEY GO UP TO SOME GIRL,

THEY'RE LIKE,

"EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

"UH, I JUST WANTED TO SAY

"YOU LOOK REALLY

BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT.

"AND I WAS HOPING ONE DAY

I MIGHT BE ABLE

"TO PUT MY HANDS

ON YOUR TITTIES.

MY NAME'S KEVIN."

"HI, KEVIN. I'M LISA.

DO YOU WANT TO BE MY BOYFRIEND

FOR THREE YEARS?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

"IS IT OKAY

IF I'M REALLY SHITTY TO YOU,

AND CHEAT ON YOU

WHENEVER I WANT?"

"YEAH, THAT'S FINE.

I'LL NEVER BREAK UP WITH YOU."

THEN THEY LEAVE TOGETHER.

MEANWHILE, I FINALLY

GET UP MY COURAGE.

"UH, THAT'S

A NICE JACKET."

"GET THE FUCK

OUTTA MY FACE!"

AND THEN SOME INDIAN DUDE

THAT RECOGNIZES ME FROM THE TV

WILL INVITE ME BACK TO HIS DORM

TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES.

[cheers and applause]

TELL ME IF THIS

EVER HAPPENS TO YOU GUYS.

YOU'RE EVER AT A PARTY,

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

AND YOU'RE

TALKING TO A GUY,

AND YOU THINK,

"WOW, THIS GUY IS SO DUMB.

"THIS IS THE DUMBEST GUY

I'VE MET MAYBE ALL YEAR.

"WHAT A DUMB PERSON.

I CANNOT WAIT TO GET OUT

OF THIS CONVERSATION

WITH THIS DUMB PERSON."

AND THEN THEY

SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"YEAH, AND I GOT TWO KIDS."

AND YOU'RE LIKE--

[gasps] "NO!

"YOU CAN'T HAVE TWO KIDS,

YOU'RE SO STUPID!

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING RAISING KIDS?

YOU'RE SO DUMB!

YOU'RE RAISING MURDERERS!"

THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME.

IT'S SO TERRIFYING.

I WAS TALKING

TO A DUDE AT A PARTY.

HE WAS 26 YEARS OLD,

HE HAD A 3-YEAR-OLD SON.

AND I WAS LIKE,

"WOW, THAT'S AMAZING."

THEN A FEW MINUTES LATER,

I OVERHEARD HIM

TELLING A GROUP OF PEOPLE

THIS STORY ABOUT HOW

A WEEK EARLIER,

HE TRIED TO HAVE SEX

WITH A BOWL

OF MACARONI AND CHEESE.

AND I SAID,

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

"YOU CAN'T BE A FATHER,

"AND THEN FUCK A BOWL

OF MACARONI AND CHEESE.

"ONCE YOU HAVE A KID,

THE MACARONI-AND-CHEESE-FUCKING

DAYS ARE OVER."

AND HE'S SITTING HERE

TELLING PEOPLE THE STORY.

HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, AND THEN

I PUT THE CONDOM ON."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT'D

YOU PUT A CONDOM ON FOR?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "I'M NOT TRYING

TO GET CHEESE ALL OVER MY DICK."

AS IF THAT WERE A TOTALLY

REASONABLE THING TO SAY.

AS IF I WAS THE WEIRD ONE FOR

EVEN BRINGING UP THE QUESTION.

YEAH, ME.

THE GUY NOT FUCKING MACARONI.

AND I TOLD HIM,

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

"IN THIS SITUATION,

PUTTING A CONDOM ON

MAKES EVERYTHING WAY WORSE."

'CAUSE THAT MEANS

THE WHOLE TIME

HE WENT TO GO

FIND A BOX OF CONDOMS,

OPEN THE BOX OF CONDOMS,

TAKE THE CONDOM OUT,

OPEN THE CONDOM WRAPPER,

PUT THE CONDOM ON HIS PENIS,

GO BACK TO THE MACARONI--

THAT WHOLE TIME,

HE NEVER ONCE THOUGHT,

"YOU KNOW WHAT,

MAYBE I DON'T NEED TO FUCK

"A BOWL OF MACARONI

AND CHEESE.

"MAYBE I CAN DO

LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE,

AND IT'LL BE

A BETTER USE OF MY TIME."

HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO SOMETHING

LIKE THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A KID?

WHAT IF HIS KID SAW THAT?

HE'D NEVER BE ABLE

TO TELL THAT KID ANYTHING.

"HEY, SON, BE NICE TO PEOPLE.

DO GOOD IN SCHOOL."

"REALLY? I SAW YOU FUCK

A BOWL OF MACARONI AND CHEESE.

"SO, WHY WOULD I

TAKE YOUR ADVICE?

"BY THE WAY,

I'M THREE YEARS OLD.

"MY LANGUAGE SKILLS

ARE VERY IMPRESSIVE.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST

RIDE THIS SHIT OUT ON MY OWN."

[cheers and applause]

I HAVE, UH, INTERNET ACCESS

RIGHT NOW,

'CAUSE THINGS

ARE GOING PRETTY WELL.

AND...I'M SURE SOME OF

YOU GUYS ARE ONLINE AS WELL,

AND I LIKE THE INTERNET,

BUT IT'S VERY

ANNOYING SOMETIMES.

DOES THIS SITUATION

HAPPEN TO YOU?

YOU'RE SITTING

AT YOUR COMPUTER,

WORKING ON SOMETHING

REALLY IMPORTANT.

AND THEN YOU THINK,

"MAN, I WONDER IF HOME ALONE 2

"MADE MORE MONEY

THAN HOME ALONE 1.

"I GOTTA LOOK INTO THIS NOW.

SORRY, IMPORTANT WORK.

SOMETHING MORE PRESSING

HAS COME UP."

I DO STUFF LIKE THAT

ALL THE TIME.

AND WHAT'S SO ANNOYING

IS ONCE I START

LOOKING INTO ONE THING,

I'LL SEE SOMETHING ELSE

I WANT TO RESEARCH.

FOR EXAMPLE,

IN THE HOME ALONE SITUATION,

I'LL BE LOOKING AT THAT,

AND I'LL SAY,

"OH, WOW.

JOE PESCI'S IN THAT MOVIE.

"I DON'T KNOW MUCH

ABOUT JOE PESCI.

MAYBE I SHOULD LEARN EVERYTHING

ABOUT JOE PESCI!"

AND THEN I'LL SPEND HOURS

DOING ALL THIS

JOE PESCI RESEARCH,

AND NOW I KNOW SO MUCH

ABOUT JOE PESCI.

BUT IT'S USELESS INFORMATION.

IT'S NEVER GONNA HELP ME.

I NEVER HEARD OF A SITUATION

WHERE A GUY'S BEEN IN AN ALLEY

WITH A DUDE

WITH A KNIFE JUST LIKE,

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE TONIGHT...

"UNLESS YOU CAN TELL ME

THE NAME OF THE ALBUM

JOE PESCI PUT OUT

WHEN HE WAS A LITTLE KID."

"LITTLE JOE

SURE CAN SING?"

"DAMN IT!

YOU'RE FREE TO GO!

"HOW COME SO MANY PEOPLE

KNOW THAT?

"I GOTTA STOP

"INTEGRATING JOE PESCI

TRIVIA INTO MY MURDERS.

PEOPLE KNOW MORE ABOUT HIM

THAN I ANTICIPATED."

I ALWAYS WASTE TIME

LIKE THAT.

THE OTHER NIGHT,

I WAS UP LATE.

I REMEMBERED I'D NEVER SEEN

ANY OF THOSE SAW MOVIES BEFORE.

THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO BE PARTICULARLY GOOD MOVIES,

BUT A FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME,

"AZIZ, YOU GOTTA WATCH SAW 1.

THE TWIST AT THE END

OF SAW 1 IS CRAZY."

AND I LOVE TWISTS

AT THE END OF MOVIES.

SO I WENT ON YOUTUBE,

AND I TYPED, "SAW ENDING."

SURE ENOUGH, CLIP COMES UP.

I KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

"UH, AZIZ, YOU DIDN'T SEE

THE REST OF THE MOVIE.

THE CLIP WON'T

MAKE ANY SENSE."

DON'T WORRY.

I'M NOT STUPID.

FIRST, I WENT ON

THE SAW WIKIPEDIA PAGE,

AND I READ

THE PLOT SUMMARY.

AND WHEN I GOT TO

THE LAST PARAGRAPH, I STOPPED,

THEN I WENT BACK

AND WATCHED THAT VIDEO,

AND LET ME TELL YOU,

I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

SOMEONE RECENTLY

SENT ME A PASSWORD

TO ONE OF THOSE

ONLINE PORN SITES.

AND THE PASSWORD WORKED.

AND I DON'T KNOW

IF ANYONE HERE'S EVER HAD

MEMBERSHIP ACCESS

TO ANY OF THOSE SITES,

BUT IT IS INCREDIBLE.

IF YOU'RE KIND OF

ON THE FENCE, LIKE,

"I DON'T KNOW,

IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM LIKE

IT WOULD BE WORTH IT

TO SPEND--"

DO IT.

NOW, THE TREND

IN THESE SITES IS

THEY TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM

LIKE THIS STUFF

ALL REALLY HAPPENED.

LIKE THIS IS REAL LIFE.

THESE AREN'T ACTORS,

THIS STUFF REALLY HAPPENED.

SO THEY HAVE

DUMB NAMES LIKE,

AND THE VIDEOS

ARE ALL THE SAME.

THESE GUYS GO UP TO SOME GIRLS,

THEY'RE LIKE,

"EXCUSE ME, YOU GIRLS

WANT TO COME BACK TO OUR PLACE

AND HAVE A DICK PARTY?"

AND THE GIRLS

ARE ALWAYS LIKE, "UH, YEAH!"

AND THEY GET IN THEIR CAR,

THEY DRIVE BACK TO THE HOUSE,

THEY HAVE SEX,

THEY FILM IT,

AND IT GOES

DOES ANYONE THINK

THOSE CLIPS ARE REAL?

IF THEY WANT PEOPLE

TO THINK IT'S REAL,

EVERY NOW AND THEN

THEY SHOULD HAVE A CLIP

WHERE SOME GUYS

GO UP TO SOME GIRLS, LIKE,

"EXCUSE ME, UH, YOU GIRLS

WANT TO COME BACK TO OUR PLACE

AND HAVE A DICK PARTY?"

AND THE GIRL'S LIKE,

"WHAT? THAT'S DISGUSTING!

GET OUTTA HERE,

YOU ASSHOLE!"

THEN YOU'RE AT HOME LIKE,

"MAN, I GUESS IT IS REAL.

"THOSE GIRLS DIDN'T WANT

TO HAVE A DICK PARTY AT ALL.

THEY JUST CONTINUED ON

TO WHOLE FOODS."

NOW, THE FIRST VIDEO

I WATCHED ON THE SITE,

THESE GUYS GO INTO

A DOUGHNUT SHOP, RIGHT?

AND THEY'RE TALKING TO THE GIRLS

IN THE DOUGHNUT SHOP,

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, SO,

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF US

"MAYBE GIVING YOU SOME MONEY,

AND THEN WE CAN HOOK UP

IN THE BACK

OF THE DOUGHNUT SHOP?"

AND THE GIRLS ARE LIKE,

"OKAY, THAT SOUNDS GOOD."

SHE WAS NOT

A VERY GOOD ACTRESS.

SO, THEY GO IN THE BACK,

AND THEY START HOOKING UP.

SO, THERE'S A GUY

HOOKING UP WITH A GIRL

IN THE BACK

OF A DOUGHNUT SHOP.

NOW, THIS GUY

EVENTUALLY DOES

WHAT ANY REASONABLE PERSON

WOULD DO IN THAT SITUATION,

AND HE PUTS A DOUGHNUT

AROUND HIS DICK.

NOW, THE WOMAN IS PERFORMING

FELLATIO-TYPE SERVICES,

AND SHE'S GETTING DANGEROUSLY

CLOSE TO THIS DOUGHNUT.

AND THEN AT ONE POINT, SHE JUST

TAKES A BITE OF THE DOUGHNUT.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT AS SOON AS THAT HAPPENED,

I JUST WENT,

"WHOA, THAT WAS AWESOME!

WHAT AN AMAZING CHOICE

BY THAT ACTRESS."

I WONDER IF THAT

WAS IMPROVISED,

LIKE THE DOUGHNUT

WAS JUST THERE,

AND SHE'S JUST LIKE...

[chomps]

AND THE DIRECTOR'S LIKE...

[mouths words]

BUT WHAT DOES THAT SAY

ABOUT ME AS A PERSON

THAT I GOT SO EXCITED?

I GUESS I JUST

LIKE FOOD TOO MUCH.

IT'S A GOOD THING I DON'T WRITE

THE SCRIPTS FOR THOSE VIDEOS.

MY SCRIPT WOULD BE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, SO, YOU PICK

THIS GIRL UP IN LOS ANGELES,

"AND YOU DROP HER OFF AT

THIS RESTAURANT CALLED ANIMAL,

"AND SHE ORDERS

THE HAMACHI TOSTADA,

"THE POUTINE, THE RABBIT LEGS,

AND THE STRAWBERRY POUND CAKE.

"AND THEY BRING HER EVERYTHING,

AND SHE'S LIKE,

"'OH, MY GOD,

THIS LOOKS SO GOOD.'

"AND SHE EATS EVERYTHING.

THERE'S NOT A BITE LEFT.

"AND SHE'S LIKE,

'WOW, THAT WAS DELICIOUS.

MAYBE THE BEST MEAL

I'VE HAD ALL YEAR.'"

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD

ABOUT THAT DOUGHNUT VIDEO

IS THEY FILMED IT

IN A REAL DOUGHNUT SHOP.

WHICH MEANS THEY HAD TO PAY

A DOUGHNUT SHOP OWNER

TO USE THAT AS A LOCATION.

BUT I GUESS IF YOU'RE

A DOUGHNUT SHOP OWNER,

THE RISK IS PRETTY LOW.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES

OF SOMEONE AT HOME

WATCHING THE VIDEO

AND GOING,

"OH, NO, THAT'S WHERE

I GET MY DOUGHNUTS FROM!

"THAT'S WHAT GOES ON

BACK THERE?

"I JUST THOUGHT

THEY WERE PUTTING

CHOCOLATE AND JELLY

IN SOME OF THE DOUGHNUTS."

BUT THAT'S GOT TO BE

HAPPENING TO SOME DUDE.

THEY FILM ALL THESE VIDEOS

IN THE SAME TOWN, I IMAGINE.

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME DUDE

WAKING UP EVERY MORNING LIKE,

"OH, NO, NOT THE BANK TOO!

"I WAS SUPPOSED

TO MAKE A DEPOSIT TODAY!

AND THERE'S

JIZZ EVERYWHERE!"

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE BEST THING

THAT COULD HAPPEN

IN THE DOUGHNUT VIDEO

IS THE GIRL

TAKES A BITE

OF THE DOUGHNUT,

AND THEN SHE JUST

STARTS WALKING AWAY.

AND THE GUY'S LIKE,

"HEY, WHERE'RE YOU GOING?"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "I WASN'T

TRYING TO SUCK YOUR DICK.

"I JUST WANTED A BITE

OF THAT DOUGHNUT.

THAT LOOKED DELICIOUS."

"BOB'S DOUGHNUTS.

THE BEST DOUGHNUTS IN TOWN.

WE WON'T MAKE YOU

SUCK A DICK FOR YOURS."

I WAS DOING A SHOW

ONE NIGHT,

AND THEY HAD A WOMAN

SIGNING MY ENTIRE ACT

TO THE LEFT OF THE STAGE,

AND WHENEVER I GOT

TO THAT PUNCH LINE

WHERE I SAID,

"JIZZ EVERYWHERE,"

SHE WENT LIKE THIS...

AND IT WAS AMAZING.

I SAID, "JIZZ EVERYWHERE,"

A FEW MORE TIMES

JUST TO MAKE SURE I UNDERSTOOD

WHAT WAS GOING ON.

'CAUSE THAT HAD TO BE

AN ON-THE-FLY SIGN

FOR "JIZZ EVERYWHERE."

SHE'S LIKE, "OKAY, THERE'S JI--

UH-OH, IT'S EVERYWHERE."

'CAUSE "EVERYWHERE" CAN'T BE--

[whines]

YOU'D LOOK CRAZY EVERY TIME

YOU HAD TO SIGN "EVERYWHERE."

"HEY, I'M NEW IN TOWN.

IS THERE A JIMMY JOHN'S NEARBY?"

"OH, THOSE ARE EVERYWHERE.

THERE'S A JIMMY JOHN'S HERE,

HERE, HERE, AND HERE."

THAT'S GOTTA BE

CUSTOM FOR "JIZZ."

"JIZZ EVERYWHERE.

"THE CEILING,

THE CARPET, THE WALLS,

"THE PLATES, THE TUPPERWARE,

THE TELEVISION.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED,

BUT IT'S EVERYWHERE,

AND I'M REALLY

SORRY ABOUT IT."

I ALSO LOVE THAT "JIZZ"

IS JUST--MEH, THAT'S "JIZZ."

MEH. NO MORE THOUGHT

WENT INTO THAT.

GUY WAS UP LATE

DEVELOPING SIGN LANGUAGE.

"UH, GUYS, I'M REALLY TIRED.

CAN WE PICK UP TOMORROW?

"I AM REALLY BEAT.

I REALLY NEED SOME SLEEP.

"A FEW MORE WORDS? FINE.

WHAT'S THE NEXT WORD?

'JIZZ'? THAT'S 'JIZZ.'"

"WHAT IF IT'S EVERYWHERE?"

"THAT'S 'JIZZ EVERYWHERE'!

"HOW COME I GET

ALL THE DIRTY WORDS?

BRIAN GOT 'PUPPY,'

I GOT 'JIZZ EVERYWHERE'?"

AND THE ONLY REASON

I BRING THIS UP

IS, YOU KNOW, IT COULD BE

DAYS FROM NOW, WEEKS FROM NOW,

MONTHS FROM NOW,

YEARS FROM NOW,

BUT ONE DAY, ONE OF YOU GUYS

COULD BE WALKING AROUND

AND SEE A DEAF PERSON

ABOUT TO WALK INTO A ROOM

WHERE THERE'S

JIZZ EVERYWHERE,

AND YOU'LL BE LIKE...

AND THEY'LL BE LIKE...

AND THEY'LL HEAD

SOMEWHERE ELSE, FREE OF JIZZ.

[cheers and applause]

I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, AND...

[scattered cheering]

THANK YOU.

AND WHENEVER I TELL PEOPLE

THAT, THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,

[gasps] "OH, NO.

"BUT IT'S SO RACIST THERE.

AND YOUR SKIN IS BROWN.

HOW DID YOU SURVIVE?"

AND SURE, CERTAIN PARTS

OF SOUTH CAROLINA

CAN BE PRETTY RACIST.

MORE RACIST THAN OTHER

PARTS OF THE COUNTRY.

BUT WHAT

THESE PEOPLE FORGET

IS THAT THE FOOD THERE

IS DELICIOUS.

SO GROWING UP IN SOUTH CAROLINA,

IT'S KIND OF LIKE,

"OH, DID THAT GUY

JUST SAY THE N-WORD?

"OOH, FRIED CHICKEN

AND BISCUITS. NEVER MIND!

NOM YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM!"

EVEN IF RIGHT NOW SOME DUDE

STOOD UP AND WAS LIKE,

"HEY, I'M GONNA SAY

A BUNCH OF RACIST STUFF,

BUT AFTERWARDS

I'LL GIVE YOU A BISCUIT,"

I'D BE LIKE,

"THAT'S A WEIRD DEAL,

BUT I'LL TAKE IT."

'CAUSE I HATE RACISM,

BUT I LOVE A GOOD BISCUIT.

I JUST THINK

IT'S A LITTLE SILLY

WHEN SOMETIMES

PEOPLE ACT AS IF

ALL THE REALLY CRAZY RACISM

IS JUST IN PLACES

LIKE SOUTH CAROLINA, ALABAMA,

MISSISSIPPI, OR WHATEVER,

BECAUSE I'VE SEEN CRAZY

RACIST STUFF HAPPEN EVERYWHERE.

I HAVE A FRIEND IN L.A.

HE'S KOREAN, RIGHT?

AND HE GOT LOCKED

OUT OF HIS APARTMENT.

SO, HE CALLED

A LOCKSMITH, OKAY?

AND THE LOCKSMITH'S

GETTING ALL HIS INFO.

HE'S LIKE,

"WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "CHUN."

THE GUY GOES, "WHAT KIND

OF LAST NAME IS THAT?"

THE GUY GOES,

"UH, KOREAN-AMERICAN."

AND THE GUY GOES,

"I HATE KOREAN-AMERICANS.

KOREAN-AMERICANS ARE TRYING

TO DESTROY AMERICA."

AND HE HUNG UP ON HIM.

WOULDN'T UNLOCK HIS DOOR.

AND I THOUGHT, "WOW.

SO, THIS LOCKSMITH DOES NO

BUSINESS WITH KOREAN-AMERICANS."

BUT I WONDERED,

"HOW MANY KOREAN-AMERICANS

"WOULD HAVE TO CALL HIM,

BEFORE ECONOMICALLY,

HE COULDN'T AFFORD

TO BE THAT RACIST?"

LIKE, WHAT IF KOREAN PEOPLE

JUST KEPT CALLING?

WOULD HE EVENTUALLY BE LIKE,

"DAMN IT, MAN,

"I WOULD'VE MADE $5,000

YESTERDAY

"IF I DIDN'T HATE

KOREAN PEOPLE!

"THIS IS SO STUPID!

"KOREAN-AMERICANS AREN'T

TRYING TO DESTROY AMERICA,

THEY CAN'T EVEN

FIND THEIR KEYS!"

BUT THEN, WEIRDLY,

THAT STEREOTYPE WOULD GET

INTEGRATED INTO HIS RACISM.

LIKE, HE WOULD SEE KOREAN

PEOPLE, AND HE'D BE LIKE,

"PSSH, LET ME GUESS.

CAN'T FIND YOUR KEYS?

CHING-CHONG, BING-BONG,

WHERE'S MY KEYS?"

HE SEES A KOREAN DUDE

OPENING A DOOR, HE'S LIKE,

"HA! THERE'S SOMETHING

YOU DON'T SEE EVERY DAY!

"KOREAN DUDE ACTUALLY

HAD HIS KEYS FOR ONCE.

"[hums Oriental Riff]

♪ WHERE'S MY KEYS? ♪

[Oriental Riff]

♪ THEY'RE IN YOUR HOUSE ♪"

NOW, OBVIOUSLY, I DON'T LIKE IT

WHEN PEOPLE ARE RACIST,

BUT I AM WEIRDLY FASCINATED

BY RACIAL SLURS.

LIKE "CHING-CHONG, BING-BONG."

HOW DID WE ALL KNOW THAT?

AS SOON AS I SAID,

"CHING-CHONG, BING-BONG,"

EVERYONE'S LIKE, "YUP,

RACIST TERM FOR ASIAN PEOPLE.

I'M ONBOARD."

NO ONE WAS LOST.

HOW ARE RACIST THINGS LIKE THAT

SO UBIQUITOUS?

AT ONE POINT,

DO OUR PARENTS SIT US DOWN?

"HEY, BY THE WAY, THE RACIST

THING FOR ASIAN PEOPLE

"IS 'CHING-CHONG,

BING-BONG.'

"DON'T EVER SAY IT TO 'EM.

"WELL, IF THEY SAY

SOMETHING RACIST TO YOU,

"I DON'T KNOW,

I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.

DON'T TOUCH

THAT MACARONI."

ONE DAY, I DECIDED

TO DO SOME RESEARCH

ON RACIAL SLURS, AND SEE

IF I COULD LEARN ANYTHING.

AND I FOUND A VERY

INTERESTING ARTICLE.

IT WAS TITLED,

"LIST OF EVERY ETHNIC SLUR."

AND IT WAS 21 PAGES LONG.

AND I READ ALL OF 'EM.

AND IF IT'S COOL

WITH YOU GUYS,

I'D NOW LIKE TO SHARE

A FEW OF MY FAVORITES.

[cheers and applause]

NOW, THESE ARE RACIAL SLURS,

ETHNIC SLURS, OKAY?

SO, THEY'RE OFFENSIVE.

THEY'RE OFFENSIVE

BY THEIR VERY NATURE.

SO, IF I SAY ONE,

OR I DESCRIBE ONE,

AND YOU'RE OFFENDED,

THERE'S NO REASON TO BE LIKE,

"OH..."

[trails off]

'CAUSE WE ALL KNOW

THEY'RE OFFENSIVE.

SO INSTEAD, YOU CAN

SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.

AT THE SAME TIME,

THOUGH, AT THE SAME TIME,

I DON'T WANNA

DO THIS BIT,

AND LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE

AND SEE SOME GUY JUST LIKE,

"YEAH!

[excited laughter]

YEAH!"

[grunting]

'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE

TERRIFYING

ON THE OTHER END

OF THE SPECTRUM.

SO, HERE WE GO.

MY FAVORITE RACIAL SLURS, OKAY?

THE FIRST ONE--

IT'S DEFINED AS,

"A DEROGATORY DESCRIPTIVE PHRASE

"FOR A PERSON OF PREDOMINANTLY

CAUCASIAN ANCESTRY

"WITH REAL

OR SUSPECTED

DISTANT ASIAN

OR AFRICAN ANCESTRY."

NOW, THIS IS A PRETTY

SPECIFIC SITUATION

TO NEED TO BUST OUT

A RACIAL SLUR,

BUT, UH, IF YOU'RE EVER

CAUGHT IN A JAM,

ALL YOU GOTTA SAY IS,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN?

"YOU GOT A TOUCH

OF THE TAR BRUSH!

"YEAH, YOU HEARD ME. YOU GOT

A TOUCH OF THE TAR BRUSH.

"THIS IS A TAR BRUSH,

THIS IS YOU. BOOP!

"YOU DON'T THINK I SEE

THAT DISTANT ASIAN ANCESTRY

IN YOUR PREDOMINANTLY

CAUCASIAN FACE?"

SOME OF

THE RACIAL SLURS, UH,

CONTAINED OTHER RACIAL SLURS

WITHIN THEMSELVES.

THEY WERE COMBINATIONS,

WHICH SEEMED

VERY INCONVENIENT TO ME.

FOR EXAMPLE, THERE WAS ONE

FOR NATIVE AMERICAN PEOPLE--

"PRAIRIE N-WORD."

"PRAIRIE N-WORD"?

WHENEVER I HEAR THAT,

I IMAGINE THIS SCENARIO:

SOME GUY'S TALKING

TO A NATIVE-AMERICAN DUDE.

"GET OUTTA HERE,

PRAIRIE N-WORD."

SOME BLACK GUY'S LIKE,

"WHAT'D YOU SAY?"

"DUDE, I SAID, 'PRAIRIE.'

THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU.

STEP OFF."

BUT A LOT OF TIMES,

YOU READ THE RACIAL SLUR,

AND IT'S LIKE, WHAT?

WHAT ETHNICITY IS THAT FOR?

WHO WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO?

SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS ONE.

SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS THIS ONE.

"DOGAN."

IT'S IRISH CATHOLIC. SEE?

NO ONE COULD GUESS IT.

SEE IF YOU CAN

GUESS THIS ONE.

"CHRIST KILLER."

ANYONE HAVE A GUESS

ON THAT ONE?

"CHRIST KILLER."

WHO WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO?

CHRIST KILLER.

KILLER OF CHRIST.

DID SOMEONE SAY,

"JEWISH PEOPLE"? NO.

IT'S ACTUALLY

FOR ASIAN PEOPLE.

IT'S USED BY PEOPLE

THAT HATE ASIANS SO MUCH

THEY BLAME 'EM

FOR THE DEATH OF CHRIST.

"CHRIST KILLER!"

"BUT I'M ASIAN!"

"I KNOW. WHY YOU THINK

GOD CREATED LOCKS?

CHING-CHONG, BING-BONG,

YOU KILLED CHRIST."

BUT WHAT I LEARNED

READING THAT LIST, THOUGH,

WAS I THINK YOU CAN MAKE

ANYTHING SOUND

RACIST OR HATEFUL.

WITH THE RIGHT TONE IN YOUR

VOICE, THE RIGHT INFLECTION,

YOU CAN MAKE ANYTHING

SOUND HATEFUL.

LET ME SEE IF I CAN CREATE

A RACIAL SLUR RIGHT NOW.

LIKE, UH, SIR,

YOU SITTING RIGHT THERE.

UH, WHAT IS YOUR ETHNICITY?

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

SHUT UP, KIT-KAT!

QUIT LAUGHING, KIT-KAT!

SEE? THAT STARTED TO SOUND

REAL RACIST.

'CAUSE YOU'RE THINKING,

"WHOA, WHOA.

"THAT GUY'S NOT A KIT-KAT.

HE'S A PERSON.

"AZIZ MUST BE IMPLYING

HE'S BROWN ON THE OUTSIDE,

WAFER-LIKE ON THE INSIDE."

I'VE BEEN HAVING FUN

DOING THIS TOUR.

WHEN I STARTED THE TOUR,

I WAS READING THIS

MOTLEY CRUE AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

AND IT WAS

REALLY INTERESTING.

I QUICKLY LEARNED

THAT MOTLEY CRUE TOURS--

WAY CRAZIER

THAN AN AZIZ TOUR.

IT'S FASCINATING BECAUSE

THESE GUYS WERE AT ONE POINT

THE BIGGEST BAND IN THE WORLD,

PERFORMING AT ARENAS AND STUFF,

BUT AT THE SAME TIME

THEY WERE DOING MASSIVE AMOUNTS

OF COCAINE AND HEROIN

ALL THE TIME,

AND MY BODY JUST COULD NOT

TAKE ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

EVEN IF JUST TONIGHT,

I WAS LIKE, "LET'S DO HEROIN!"

THE NEXT DAY, IT'D BE LIKE,

"AZIZ IS DEAD!

YEAH, HE DID HEROIN ONCE,

AND HE DIED."

"HOW MUCH HEROIN

DID HE DO?"

"NONE, HE JUST

HAD A NEEDLE IN HIS ARM,

AND FELT WOOZY

AND FELL OF A BUILDING."

THEY HAVE ALL THESE

INSANE STORIES ABOUT GIRLS.

LIKE, AT ONE POINT,

THEY'RE HAVING SEX

WITH ALL THESE GROUPIES, RIGHT?

BUT THEY HAD

GIRLFRIENDS AT HOME.

SO AT THE END OF THE NIGHT,

TO COVER THEIR TRACKS,

THEY WOULD PUT THEIR PENISES

INSIDE BURRITOS.

HOW DID THAT

BECOME THE PLAN?

WAS A MOTLEY CRUE GUY

JUST RUNNING AROUND?

"OH, MY GOD, MY DICK SMELLS LIKE

ALL THESE OTHER VAGINAS!

"MY GIRLFRIEND'S GONNA FIND OUT

I'M CHEATING ON HER!

"WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

WHAT I'MA DO? WHAT I'MA DO?

"CAN I WASH MY DICK

WITH SOAP AND WATER?

"NO! THAT WON'T WORK!

WHY? I DON'T KNOW!

"QUICK, GIMME THAT BURRITO.

"IT'S PERFECT.

THE SCENT OF PICO DE GALLO

WILL TOTALLY THROW OFF

MY GIRLFRIEND."

THAT STORY'S

A QUINTESSENTIAL DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A COMEDY TOUR

AND A ROCK TOUR.

A ROCK TOUR, SOME DUDE'S

FUCKING A BURRITO, IT'S LIKE,

"YEAH, MAN,

GOTTA GET THE SMELL

OF ALL THESE OTHER VAGINAS

OFF MY DICK."

COMEDY TOUR, IT'S LIKE...

[cries] "I'M SO ALONE!"

I LIKE TOURING.

THE ONLY THING I DON'T LIKE

IS THE ACTUAL TRAVEL ITSELF.

'CAUSE PEOPLE CAN BE SO RUDE

WHEN YOU'RE TRAVELING.

THE RUDEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

IS THE EASTERN EUROPEAN CUSTOMS

LADY AT THE TORONTO AIRPORT.

WHAT'S THAT LADY'S PROBLEM?

WHY SHE GOTTA BE SO RUDE?

CUSTOMS PEOPLE

ARE THE FIRST PEOPLE YOU MEET

WHEN YOU GO

TO A NEW COUNTRY.

THEY SHOULD BE NICE,

WELCOMING.

THIS LADY, AS SOON AS YOU

WALK UP, SHE JUST GOES,

"WHAT YOU ARE

DOING HERE?"

AND I WAS LIKE,

"UH, I'M SHOOTING A MOVIE."

SHE GOES, "WHAT IT MEAN,

'SHOOTING MOVIE'?"

LIKE, "YOU KNOW,

LIKE FILMING A MOVIE."

SHE GOES, "I KNOW

WHAT IT MEANS FILMING MOVIE.

"I MEAN ARE YOU DOING

THE LIGHTS? ARE YOU ACTING?

ARE YOU DIRECTING? I COULD DO

WITHOUT YOUR SARCASM."

I WAS LIKE,

"WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN?

"I SAID SOMETHING,

AND YOU WENT,

"'WHAT IT MEAN,

"SHOOTING MOVIE"?'

"SO I JUST ASSUMED

YOU'RE KIND OF DUMB,

"AND I'M TRYING

TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU.

"I'M STUNNED YOU KNOW

WHAT THE WORD 'SARCASM' MEANS.

"YOUR ENGLISH

IS SLIGHTLY BETTER

"THAN ANIMAL

FROM THE MUPPET BABIES.

AND YOU'RE YELLING AT ME

LIKE A PSYCHOPATH."

AND I GOT MY STAMP,

AND I WALKED ON.

BUT I KIND OF WISH

AFTER I'D GOTTEN THE STAMP,

I TURNED AROUND, AND I WAS LIKE,

"GUESS WHAT. I LIED."

AND THEN PULLED OUT A DVD

OF JURASSIC PARK AND A HANDGUN,

WAS LIKE, "THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS

'SHOOTING MOVIE.'"

BANG, BANG,

BANG, BANG, BANG!

PASSENGERS CAN ALSO

BE RUDE TO YOU ALSO.

I WAS FLYING HOME ONCE, AND I

WAS SITTING NEXT TO THIS COUPLE.

THEY HAD THESE TWO PUPPIES

THAT THEY PUT UNDER THE SEATS

IN FRONT OF US.

AND THERE WAS AN OLDER COUPLE

SITTING THERE, AND THEY SAID,

"HEY, UH, YOU GUYS MIND MOVING

THE PUPPIES OVER A LITTLE BIT

SO WE'LL PUT

OUR JACKETS UNDER THERE?"

AND THE LADY

WITH THE PUPPIES IS LIKE,

"UH, NO. WE HAVE TWO PUPPIES,

THEY NEED ALL THE ROOM.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

AND I WAS LIKE,

"WHOA, WHY'D SHE NEED TO BE

SO RUDE ABOUT THAT?"

AND THEN SHE STARTED TALKING

TO HER HUSBAND.

SHE'S LIKE, "UGH, CAN YOU

BELIEVE THOSE PEOPLE,

"ASKING US TO MOVE THE PUPPIES

FOR THEIR JACKETS?

WHAT KIND OF NERVE DO THEY HAVE?

WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?"

AND I WAS LIKE...

[whispers]

"I FUCKIN' HATE THIS LADY."

SO I STARTED CHIMING IN.

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I HEARD THAT.

"I COULDN'T BELIEVE THEY'D

ASK SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

"THOSE PEOPLE ARE AWFUL.

THOSE PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE.

THOSE PEOPLE

DESERVE TO BE MURDERED."

AND I DIDN'T SAY ANOTHER WORD

THE WHOLE FLIGHT.

AND THEN THE FLIGHT LANDS.

AND THE OLD COUPLE GETS UP,

THEY LEAVE THE PLANE.

NOW THE YOUNG COUPLE'S

ABOUT TO GET UP,

BUT I HOLD 'EM DOWN, AND I GO,

"NO, NO. I GOT THIS."

AND I STEP OVER 'EM,

AND I START FOLLOWING

THE OLD PEOPLE, RIGHT?

YOUNG COUPLE'S BEHIND ME,

WE GET OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT,

I PULL OUT THE GUN THAT I HAD

FROM THE PREVIOUS JOKE,

LOAD IN TWO BULLETS.

I AIM IT AT THE OLD PEOPLE,

BUT THEN I SPIN AROUND

AND I AIM IT AT THE PUPPIES.

BANG, BANG!

I SHOOT BOTH THOSE PUPPIES

IN THE FACE.

AND I GO, "NEVER BE RUDE

TO THE ELDERLY AGAIN.

HAVE FUN BURYING

YOUR DEAD PUPPIES."

I KNOW WHAT SOME OF YOU

ARE THINKING.

"OH, NO!

WHY'D THE PUPPIES GET SHOT?

THE PUPPIES DIDN'T

DO ANYTHING!"

I DIDN'T REALLY SHOOT

ANY PUPPIES.

YOU'RE BEING STUPID.

I HAVE MET SOME REALLY

INTERESTING PEOPLE ON TOUR.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE

THAT I MET

WAS THIS GENTLEMAN WHO ONCE

PICKED ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT

AND DROVE ME

TO THE VENUE.

AND I WAS TALKING TO THIS GUY,

AND I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT DID YOU DO

BEFORE YOU WERE A DRIVER?"

AND HE GOES, "I USED TO BE

A CELEBRITY BODYGUARD."

I WAS LIKE, "WHOA.

WHO'D YOU BODYGUARD FOR?"

HE'S LIKE, "YOU NAME IT.

BRUCE WILLIS, MILEY CYRUS,

JONAS BROTHERS."

LIKE, "WHOA. OUT OF ALL

THE PEOPLE YOU BODYGUARDED FOR,

"WHO WAS THE TOUGHEST PERSON

TO DO SECURITY FOR?

WHO HAD

THE CRAZIEST FANS?"

HE GOES, "TOUGHEST PERSON

TO DO SECURITY FOR? CHER.

CRAZIEST FANS?

PAULY SHORE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?

THOSE ARE BOTH WRONG ANSWERS."

I CAN DO SECURITY

FOR PAULY SHORE.

"HEY, MAN, CAN YOU LEAVE

PAULY SHORE ALONE? THANKS.

ALL RIGHT, PAULY, LET'S GO.

THOSE TWO GUYS ARE GONE."

AND THEN I ASKED HIM--

I SAID, "WHAT'D YOU DO

BEFORE YOU WERE

A CELEBRITY BODYGUARD?"

HE GOES, "USED TO DRIVE

MADONNA'S TOUR BUS."

I SAID, "HOW WAS THAT?"

"NOT FUN."

I SAID, "WHY?"

HE GOES, "'CAUSE EVERY TIME

I DROVE THE BUS,

ONE OF HER DANCERS

PUT HIS DICK ON MY SHOULDER."

THAT WAS NOT WHAT

I WAS EXPECTING HIM TO SAY.

SO I SAID, "SIR, YOU'RE

GONNA HAVE TO ELABORATE."

AND HE TOLD ME THE STORY,

AND BASICALLY,

ANY TIME HE WAS DRIVING THE BUS,

AT ONE POINT,

ONE OF MADONNA'S DANCERS

WOULD JUST COME UP AND...

[thumps mic]

THROW A DICK

ON HIS SHOULDER.

AND THIS HAPPENED SO MANY TIMES

HE HAD TO QUIT HIS JOB

AND GET INTO

A NEW PROFESSION.

BUT I GUESS THAT WOULD

MAKE YOU QUIT ANY JOB.

YOU COULD BE A LAWYER.

PEOPLE WOULD GO, "HEY, MAN,

WEREN'T YOU A LAWYER?"

"YEAH, I WAS. TILL THIS NEW

PARTNER JOINED THE FIRM.

"AND EVERY TIME

I PRESENTED A CASE,

"HE PUT HIS DICK

ON MY SHOULDER.

SO NOW I WORK AT QUIZNOS."

EVEN IF YOUR JOB

WAS JUST STARING AT A DICK

ON YOUR LEFT SHOULDER

FOR THREE HOURS A DAY,

IF AT SOME POINT,

ANOTHER GUY CAME

AND PUT HIS DICK

ON YOUR RIGHT SHOULDER,

YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

"I NEVER

SIGNED UP FOR THAT.

"I SAID ONE DICK ON THE LEFT

SHOULDER FOR THREE HOURS A DAY.

"LOOK AT THE DICK-SHOULDER

CONTRACT WE SIGNED, MAN.

"THE LANGUAGE

IS VERY SPECIFIC.

"DICKS CAN'T

JUST START POPPING UP

"ON MY KNEES, ELBOWS,

AND TOES NOW. WE HAVE A DEAL.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S FINE.

"IF THIS IS HOW YOU GUYS

RUN THINGS, I QUIT.

[thumps mic]

I'M PAULY SHORE!

I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT!"

RIGHT NOW, I WANTED TO TAKE

A COUPLE OF MINUTES

TO UPDATE YOU ON ONE OF MY

FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD,

AND THAT'S MY CHUBBY

LITTLE COUSIN HARRIS.

[cheers and applause]

[chuckles]

HARRIS IS A LITTLE COUSIN

OF MINE THAT LIVES IN GEORGIA

AND, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE

ANY KIDS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,

SO I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD UPDATE

YOU ON WHAT HE'S BEEN UP TO.

UH, HARRIS IS A WEIRD KID.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T GET TO SPEND

A TON OF TIME WITH HIM.

BUT I DO CHECK UP ON HIM

REGULARLY ON HIS FACEBOOK PAGE,

AND READ HIS

STATUS UPDATES.

HE RECENTLY

HAD A QUOTE UP THERE.

AND THE QUOTE SAID,

"LIFE'S A DIRTY GAME.

YOU GOTTA PLAY DIRTY TO WIN IT."

DASH, "HARRIS."

HE'S QUOTING HIMSELF

ON THIS ONE.

YUP, THAT'S

A HARRIS ORIGINAL.

THAT'S NOT

FROM SEASON FOUR OF THE WIRE.

THAT'S FROM A CHUBBY KID

NAMED HARRIS

WHO ONCE TOLD ME HIS

FAVORITE FOOD IS HOT POCKETS.

WHAT A DARK THING TO SAY.

"LIFE'S A DIRTY GAME.

YOU GOTTA PLAY DIRTY TO WIN IT."

WHEN HAS HARRIS

PLAYED DIRTY IN LIFE?

I CAN ONLY THINK

OF ONE INSTANCE.

IT'S WHEN

HE'S PLAYING HALO.

'CAUSE AS SOON AS

THE BOARD STARTS,

HE ALWAYS KNOWS WHERE

THE ROCKET LAUNCHERS ARE,

AND HE GRABS 'EM AND STARTS

BLOWING EVERYBODY UP.

IT'S FUCKED UP,

HE DOES THIS SHIT EVERY TIME,

THAT'S WHY I DON'T

PLAY HALO WITH HIM ANYMORE.

NOW, I'M SURE THERE'S

SOME PEOPLE HERE

THAT HAVE NEVER PLAYED HALO,

AND THAT DOESN'T MAKE

ANY SENSE,

SO I WILL GIVE YOU

AN ANALOGY, OKAY?

IT WOULD BE AS IF YOU'RE

PLAYING MONOPOLY, RIGHT?

AND, UM, SOMEONE ROLLED A 10

AND LANDED ON PARK PLACE,

AND THEN HARRIS CAME IN

WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER

AND BLEW EVERYBODY UP.

LAST TIME

I SPOKE WITH HARRIS,

I SAID, "WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON?"

AND HE SAID,

"I'M APPLYING FOR COLLEGE.

IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN HELP ME

WITH MY COLLEGE ESSAYS?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "YES.

"'CAUSE YOU'RE A WEIRDO,

AND WHATEVER YOU'RE GONNA WRITE

"IS GONNA BE INSANE, SO I COULD

READ IT TO PEOPLE IN PUBLIC,

AND IT'LL HELP ME

WITH MY JOB."

[cheers and applause]

SO I BROUGHT ALONG...

A COPY OF HIS ESSAY.

AND THIS IS 100% REAL.

THE ESSAY IS TITLED,

"ALL THE SMALL THINGS."

"TAKE THE THUMB.

"EVEN THOUGH IT IS

JUST ANOTHER FINGER,

"IT IS THE MOST ESSENTIAL.

"IT CONTROLS EVERYTHING

"FROM EATING AND DRINKING

TO WRITING.

"INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,

I HAVE FOUND MANY THINGS

IN LIFE TO BE THE SAME WAY."

ALREADY, THE ESSAY

MAKES NO SENSE.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME

SOMETHING INTERESTING

IN YOUR LIFE HAPPENED,

YOU THOUGHT,

"THIS REMINDS ME OF MY THUMB"?

NEVER.

HE GOES ON.

"IT'S ALWAYS THE SIMPLE THINGS

THAT HAVE THE GREATEST IMPACT.

"THE SPLITTING OF AN ATOM

"CAUSED THE DEATH

OF OVER 200,000 PEOPLE.

"REDBOX TURNED THE MOVIE

INDUSTRY UPSIDE-DOWN

"WITH THE SIMPLE NOTION

OF CREATING

VENDING MACHINES

THAT SOLD MOVIES."

YEAH, THOSE TWO THINGS

ARE COMPARABLE.

200,000 PEOPLE ARE DEAD.

AND YOU CAN RENT

MRS. DOUBTFIRE FOR A DOLLAR

AT THE GROCERY STORE NOW.

HE GOES ON TO DESCRIBE

A PARTICULARLY

INTERESTING SUMMER

WHERE HE VOLUNTEERED

AT A LOCAL HOSPITAL.

THIS IS HOW HE DESCRIBED

THAT EXPERIENCE.

"I WAS A HUMAN

WHEELBARROW.

AND LET ME TELL YOU,

IT SUCKED."

YOU CAN'T SAY "IT SUCKED"

IN A COLLEGE ESSAY.

WHEN YOU USE LANGUAGE

LIKE THAT,

YOU KNOW WHAT

"IT SUCKS" MEANS?

YOU'RE REFERRING

TO SUCKING DICK.

SO WHAT HARRIS JUST SAID

IS LIKE, UH,

"HEY, UNIVERSITY,

YOU KNOW WHAT VOLUNTEERING

"AND HELPING PEOPLE

REMINDED ME OF?

"PUTTING A PENIS IN MY MOUTH,

AND SUCKING IT

TILL IT COMES IN MY CHUBBY,

LITTLE CHEEKS."

LATER ON,

HE TALKS ABOUT A PARTICULARLY

CRAZY DAY AT THE HOSPITAL.

"A WEEK AFTER I STARTED,

THE INCIDENT OCCURRED.

"WHEN I SET FOOT

IN THE HOSPITAL THAT DAY,

"IT WAS MORE

CROWDED THAN EVER.

THERE WEREN'T ANY NURSES

ASKING ME IF I WANTED COOKIES."

THAT'S HIS GAUGE OF HOW CRAZY

THINGS ARE AT THE HOSPITAL?

"WHY ISN'T ANYONE ASKING ME

IF I WANT COOKIES?

[scoffs] A LOT OF PEOPLE

MUST HAVE CANCER."

BUT WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY

WAS HARRIS ENDED UP

MEETING A GENTLEMEN

WHO WAS ILLITERATE.

AND HE'D NEVER MET ANYONE

ILLITERATE BEFORE.

AND THIS REALLY

AFFECTED HIM.

HE DESCRIBED HOW HE FELT

WHEN HE DROVE HOME THAT DAY.

"I REMEMBERED THINKING

HOW BIZARRE IT WAS

"THAT SOMEONE

COULD NOT READ.

"WHAT IF I COULDN'T READ?

"I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TEXT

MY FRIENDS MOVIE TIMES,

OR EVEN ORDER CHEESE BISCUITS

FROM RED LOBSTER."

THESE ARE THE THINGS

THAT COME TO HARRIS'S MIND

WHEN HE IMAGINES A WORLD

WHERE HE CAN'T READ.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU COULD EASILY

DO BOTH THOSE THINGS

IF YOU COULDN'T READ.

I DON'T THINK

ILLITERATE PEOPLE

SEE MOVIE POSTERS

AND NUMBERS

AND ARE LIKE,

"NO CLUE WHAT THAT MEANS.

CAN'T PIECE THAT

TOGETHER."

NOW, THE RED LOBSTER THING

IS WEIRD ALSO,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW

HOW MANY OF YOU ALL

HAVE BEEN

TO RED LOBSTER,

BUT IF YOU'VE BEEN THERE,

YOU KNOW

NO ONE ORDERS

THE CHEESE BISCUITS.

THOSE ARE COMPLIMENTARY.

THEY JUST SIT 'EM DOWN AT YOUR

TABLE AS SOON AS YOU GET THERE.

SO WHAT'S HARRIS

TALKING ABOUT?

I'M GUESSING

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.

HE FINISHES HIS BISCUITS,

AND HE SEES ON THE MENU IT SAYS,

"IF YOU FINISH YOUR BISCUITS,

FEEL FREE TO ORDER MORE."

HE'S LIKE, "WHEW!

THANK GOD I CAN READ.

MORE BISCUITS, PLEASE!"

SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID, "HARRIS,

YOU CAN'T SEND THIS ESSAY.

IT'S TOO CRAZY.

LET ME DO A REWRITE."

I DID A REWRITE,

WHICH HE REJECTED,

BUT I WILL

SHARE WITH YOU NOW.

"I ONCE VOLUNTEERED

AT A HOSPITAL.

"IT SUCKED DICK, BUT I DID

GET TO EAT FREE COOKIES.

"AND LET ME TELL YOU,

I WILL SUCK DICK FOR COOKIES.

"ONE DAY, I MET A MAN

WHO WAS ILLITERATE.

"IT REALLY AFFECTED ME.

"IT MADE ME REALIZE THE WORLD

IS FULL OF GREAT TRAGEDIES.

"9/11, THE TIME I OVERCOOKED

THAT HOT POCKET,

"AND HERE, THIS MAN.

HE COULDN'T READ.

"HOW WOULD HE FIND

A BOX OF BAGEL BITES

"AT THE GROCERY STORE?

"EVEN IF HE FOUND

THE BOX OF BAGEL BITES,

"HOW WOULD HE

READ THE DIRECTIONS

"TO COOK THE BAGEL BITES?

"HAVE YOU EVER EATEN

FROZEN BAGEL BITES?

"I ATE SIX OF 'EM ONE DAY,

AND IT WAS DISGUSTING.

"MY NAME IS HARRIS.

"I HOPE YOU CONSIDER ACCEPTING

ME INTO YOUR UNIVERSITY.

"BY THE WAY,

DURING REGISTRATION,

"WILL THERE BE

FREE COOKIES,

"OR WILL I NEED

TO SUCK SOMEONE'S DICK?

LIFE'S A DIRTY GAME.

YOU GOTTA PLAY DIRTY TO WIN IT."

[cheers and applause]

I USED TO, UH--

I USED TO KID HARRIS

FOR BEING CHUBBY,

BUT HE'S ACTUALLY

NOT CHUBBY ANYMORE.

HE HAD A GROWTH SPURT,

AND HE STRETCHED OUT.

HE'S FINE.

BUT A FEW MONTHS AGO,

I WAS ACTUALLY WORRIED

THAT I WAS GETTING CHUBBY.

I SAW A PHOTO OF ME

ON THE INTERNET,

AND IN THE COMMENTS,

SOMEONE WROTE,

"WHOA!

WHO ATE AZIZ ANSARI?"

WHICH--HOLD ON--

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

IF SOMEONE ATE ME,

THEY WOULDN'T ASSUME MY FORM

ALL OF A SUDDEN.

"WHY DO YOU LOOK

LIKE THAT G--"

"I JUST ATE HIM!"

BUT THE PERSON WAS RIGHT.

I GAINED 12 POUNDS.

SO I STARTED

EXERCISING AT THE GYM,

LOST THE WEIGHT RIGHT AWAY.

BUT I DIDN'T ALWAYS

LIKE THE STUFF

THE PEOPLE AT THE GYM

WOULD TELL ME.

THEY WOULD SAY THINGS LIKE,

"HEY, AZIZ, YOU SEE

THIS NEW STUDY ON YAHOO NEWS?

"IT SAYS ANY FOOD

YOU EAT AFTER 11:00

"GOES STRAIGHT

TO YOUR BELLY.

YOU SHOULD CUT OUT

THOSE LATE-NIGHT SNACKS."

AND I WOULD ALWAYS

WANT TO SAY,

"OH, REALLY?

"THERE'S THIS OTHER STUDY

I HEARD ABOUT

"THAT SAYS, UH, IF YOU HAVE

A LOT OF ALCOHOL IN YOUR SYSTEM,

"AND YOU EAT A QUESADILLA

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

"IT'S DELICIOUS.

"YEAH. I DID THAT STUDY

LAST NIGHT.

TWICE."

[cheers and applause]

BUT I LOVE FOOD.

I LOVE GOING OUT TO EAT

AT RESTAURANTS AND STUFF.

IT'S REALLY SOMETHING

I LIKE A LOT.

I WAS EATING AT ONE OF

MY FAVORITE RESTAURANTS

IN NEW YORK

NOT TOO LONG AGO,

AND I WAS HAVING DINNER

WITH A FRIEND,

AND HE'S LIKE,

"AZIZ, WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO?"

AND I SAID, "SHUT UP.

"50 CENT IS SITTING

OVER THERE,

AND I NEED TO HEAR

EVERYTHING HE SAYS."

AND 50 CENT

DID NOT DISAPPOINT.

50 CENT THE RAPPER

ORDERED A GRAPEFRUIT SODA.

THE WAITER BRINGS HIM

A GRAPEFRUIT SODA.

AND THEN 50 CENT

SAID THE GREATEST THING

ANYONE COULD EVER SAY

WHEN THEY SEE A GRAPEFRUIT SODA.

HE LOOKS AT THE WAITER,

AND HE GOES,

"WHY ISN'T THIS PURPLE?"

AND IT TOOK ME

A FEW SECONDS,

AND THEN I REALIZED,

"OH, MY GOD.

"50 CENT HAS NO IDEA

WHAT A GRAPEFRUIT IS.

"EXCUSE ME, EVERYBODY

IN THE RESTAURANT, SHUT UP.

"A WAITER'S ABOUT TO

EXPLAIN TO A GROWN MAN

WHAT A GRAPEFRUIT IS."

YOU REALIZE

HOW AMAZING THIS IS?

THERE ARE PARENTS

THAT AREN'T THERE

WHEN THEIR CHILDREN LEARNS

WHAT A GRAPEFRUIT IS.

I AM THERE FOR THAT MOMENT

IN RAPPER 50 CENT'S LIFE.

THIS GUY LEAVES

THE RESTAURANT,

HE'S GONNA KNOW

ABOUT A NEW FRUIT.

AND THE EXCHANGE

WAS JUST GLORIOUS.

THE WAITER STRUGGLING

TO EXPLAIN THE CONCEPT

OF A GRAPEFRUIT TO A MAN

WHO JUST DIDN'T GET IT.

HE WAS LIKE,

"NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

"THEY'RE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

GRAPE, GRAPEFRUIT.

GRAPE, GRAPEFRUIT."

"I KNOW GRAPES ARE FRUITS.

WHY DO YOU KEEP

SAYING IT LIKE THAT?"

"NO, IT'S JUST ONE WORD.

'GRAPEFRUIT.'

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST ONE--

IT'S A DIFFERENT--"

"I GET IT.

GRAPEFRUIT, APPLEFRUIT,

ORANGEFRUIT, CARROTVEGETABLE."

"NO. THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL."

AND IT JUST BLEW MY MIND.

HOW DOES 50 CENT NOT KNOW

WHAT A GRAPEFRUIT IS?

THIS GUY'S BEEN RICH

FOR SO LONG.

HE HAS TO RUN INTO A GRAPEFRUIT

EVERY NOW AND THEN.

I DO OKAY.

I SEE GRAPEFRUITS

EVERY FUCKIN' DAY.

WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN HE SEES A GRAPEFRUIT?

IS HE JUST LIKE...

"WHAT'S UP

WITH THOSE ORANGES?

"THEY'RE

ALL RED AND SHIT.

"AND THEY'RE BIG AS FUCK!

THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME WEIRD!

SHOOT THOSE THINGS!"

[imitates gunfire]

WHEN YOU DO THIS

KIND OF WORK,

A LOT OF PEOPLE WRITE STUFF

ABOUT YOU ON THE INTERNET,

AND SOMETIMES

PEOPLE WRITE MEAN THINGS.

AND THE SMART THING TO DO

IS JUST IGNORE THAT.

BUT SOMETIMES I WOULD

ARGUE WITH PEOPLE,

BECAUSE I LIKE ARGUING.

AND I WOULD DO THAT

EVERY NOW AND THEN,

BUT I RECENTLY PUT AN END

TO ALL OF IT.

AND I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU

GUYS WHAT HAPPENED

THE LAST TIME I GOT

INTO AN ARGUMENT ONLINE.

IT STARTED WHEN MY EMAIL

WASN'T WORKING.

SO I WENT ON MY WEBSITE

AND I WROTE,

"IF GMAIL EVEN MESSES UP

A LITTLE BIT,

"I GET UPSET.

IT'S A LITTLE UNREASONABLE,

BUT SERIOUSLY,

SEND MY EMAIL, GMAIL."

AND THEN A GUY

WRITES BACK AND SAYS,

"DUDE, YOU'RE COMPLAINING

ABOUT A FREE EMAIL SERVICE?

"MAYBE YOU SHOULD USE

SOME OF YOUR HOLLYWOOD MONEY

TO BUY A REAL

EMAIL ACCOUNT, TURD!"

WHICH SEEMED

A LITTLE AGGRESSIVE.

SO, I WROTE HIM BACK, AND SAID,

"HEY, MAN, I WAS JOKING,

"AND EVEN SAID

IT'S UNREASONABLE,

SO GO FUCK A BUCKET

OF DOG SHIT."

THEN HE GOES, "OH, SORRY,

DIDN'T MEAN TO SUGGEST

"YOU SHOULD USE A LITTLE

OF THAT MONEY YOU HAVE

INSTEAD OF CRYING

LIKE A BITCH."

AT THIS POINT, I DECIDED

TO TAKE THINGS UP A NOTCH.

I SAID, "I HOPE FOUR

HIPPOPOTAMUSES

"FORCE YOU TO BLOW THEM,

"AND THEY ALL COME ON YOUR FACE

SIMULTANEOUSLY,

AND YOU CHOKE

ON HIPPO COME AND DIE."

'CAUSE THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE

A PRETTY ROUGH WAY TO GO.

UM...

IMAGINE YOU'RE JUST

AT YOUR HOUSE,

LIKE, MAKING EGGS

OR SOMETHING.

[imitates doorbell]

"OH.

"A HIPPO IS HERE.

FOUR HIPPOS?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU GUYS NEED?"

AND THE HIPPOS

ARE JUST LIKE,

"SUCK OUR DICKS!"

EVEN LOGISTICALLY,

THIS IS GONNA BE ROUGH.

I MEAN, YOU GOT FOUR HIPPOS

LINED UP AT YOUR HOUSE,

YOU GOTTA BLOW 'EM

AT THE SAME TIME.

[excited murmering]

AND EVENTUALLY,

THE HIPPOS ARE LIKE,

"WE'RE ABOUT TO COME!"

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT TALKING

HIPPOS DO IN THAT SITUATION.

AND THEN IT STARTS.

[imitates shots]

"AAH, OH, NO! OH, NO!

OH, NO, I'M CHOKING!

"I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT!

I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE!

"I NEED TO EMAIL MY FAMILY

AND TELL 'EM I LOVE 'EM!

FUCK! GMAIL'S DOWN!

THAT GUY WAS RIGHT."

SO, I WROTE THAT UP THERE,

AND THEN HE RESPONDED AND SAID,

"HERE'S A TIP.

DON'T USE THE WORD 'SERIOUSLY'

"WHEN YOU'RE JOKING.

"WANNA COME DOWN TO S.D.

AND TALK THAT BIG-BOY TALK

FACE TO FACE?"

I'M ASSUMING "S.D."

STANDS FOR SOUTH DAKOTA,

WHICH DOESN'T

INTIMIDATE ME AT ALL.

I WILL GO TO SOUTH DAKOTA

AND FUCK SOMEBODY UP.

NOT FOR REAL,

'CAUSE I'M SMALL,

BUT I'LL SAY SHIT LIKE THAT

WHEN I'M ONLINE.

SO, I KIND OF WANT

TO END THIS ARGUMENT,

SO I TELL HIM, "LOOK, YOU'RE

THE ONLY ONE OF THOUSANDS

"WHO HAVE THIS

IMPRESSION OF ME.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST LOOK UP

'SARCASM' IN THE DICTIONARY."

AND HE GOES, "YOU CAN'T TELL

SARCASM THROUGH TEXT, AKBAR.

BUT NICE TRY."

AND I SAID,

"WELL, THAT'S STRANGE,

"BECAUSE EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T

HAVE THE VEINY SHAFT

"OF A HUGE HIPPO COCK DEEP

IN THEIR THROAT COULD, KEITH.

"YEAH, I CALLED YOU 'KEITH,'

A RANDOM WHITE GUY NAME.

"JUST LIKE YOU CLEVERLY DID

TO ME WITH 'AKBAR'.

"BY THE WAY, THE PREVIOUS USE

OF THE WORD 'CLEVERLY'

"WAS SARCASTIC.

COULD YOU TELL IT BY READING IT,

YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT?"

AND THEN HE WROTE BACK

AND SAID,

"WHATEVER, YOU JAWA."

AND I DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT THAT MEANT.

I HAD TO LOOK IT UP.

THAT'S A SIGN OF TERRIBLY

INEFFECTIVE RACISM.

YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING RACIST

TO SOMEONE AND THEY'LL GO,

"HEY, WHAT'D YOU SAY?

"SPELL THAT FOR ME.

I NEED TO LOOK THAT UP."

IT'S GOTTA BE IMMEDIATE.

BUT I LOOKED IT UP,

AND APPARENTLY "JAWA"

IS SOME STAR WARS CHARACTER

THAT'S, LIKE, SMALL,

AND WEARS A HOOD,

AND IS BROWN,

YELLOW EYES.

I DON'T KNOW.

IT DOESN'T OFFEND ME.

BUT I LOVE THE IDEA

OF A GUY

THAT'S REALLY RACIST

AND REALLY INTO STAR WARS.

THAT IS

AN AMAZING COMBINATION.

I WOULD LOVE TO HANG OUT

WITH THAT DUDE FOR A WHILE.

I WOULD GO TO THE MOVIES

WITH HIM WHENEVER I COULD,

BECAUSE AT ONE POINT,

I FEEL LIKE HE WOULD STAND UP

AND HE'D SAY

SOMETHING LIKE,

"DAMN IT,

I CAN'T HEAR THE MOVIE

CAUSE ALL THESE DARTH VADERS

WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

SO...AT THIS POINT,

I DON'T HAVE TIME

FOR THIS GUY.

I'M A BUSY GUY.

I'VE GOT JOE PESCI RESEARCH

PILING UP, AND...

I TELL HIM, "LOOK,

I DON'T HAVE TIME

"TO ARGUE WITH A GUY

WHO'S INTEGRATING RACISM

AND STAR WARS TRIVIA."

AND HE GOES, "THIS CEASED

TO BE AN ARGUMENT

"FOUR HOURS AGO.

"I JUST WANTED TO SEE

SOME D-LIST IDIOT

GET ALL WORKED UP

OVER HIS TINY PECKER."

AND I SAID, "WELL, EVERY

PECKER MUST SEEM TINY

"AFTER ALL THE HUGE

HIPPO COCKS

"YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR MOUTH.

"GO SUCK MORE OF THEM.

YOU GOT A TOUCH

OF THE TAR BRUSH."

[cheers and laughter]

I'VE HAD A REALLY FUN YEAR

THIS YEAR.

I HAD A REALLY FUN

NEW YEAR'S,

BUT IT WAS ALSO ONE OF

THE MOST EMBARRASSING,

HUMILIATING, TERRIFYING

MOMENTS OF MY RECENT LIFE.

I WENT TO A JAY-Z CONCERT

IN LAS VEGAS FOR NEW YEAR'S.

[scattered cheers]

WHICH WAS--YES.

HE'S A LOT OF FUN.

AND, UH, AFTER THE SHOW

THEY HAD AN AFTER PARTY

FOR EVERYONE THAT WENT

TO THE CONCERT,

AND IT WAS A LOT OF FUN,

EVERYONE'S HANGING OUT.

THEN AT ONE POINT,

JAY-Z CAME OUT

BEHIND THE DJ BOOTH

AND WAS RAPPING ALONG

WITH ALL HIS SONGS,

AND EVERYONE WAS GOING CRAZY

AND HAVING A GOOD TIME.

AND JAY-Z BROUGHT

THE MUSIC DOWN,

AND HE STARTED TALKING

TO THE CROWD.

AND HE WAS LIKE,

"HEY, EVERYBODY,

"JUST WANTED TO WISH EVERYBODY

A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

"IT'S A REALLY SPECIAL

NIGHT TONIGHT.

"WE'VE GOT A LOT OF GREAT

PEOPLE IN THE BUILDING TONIGHT.

"WE GOT ME, JAY-Z,

IN BUILDING.

"WE GOT BEYONCE

IN THE BUILDING.

WE GOT RIHANNA

IN THE BUILDING."

AND I LOOKED AT MY FRIEND

ALAN, AND I WAS LIKE,

"WE GOT AZIZ

IN THE BUILDING."

AND THEN JAY-Z GOES, "WE GOT

AZIZ IN THE BUILDING."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT!

I'M IN THE BUILDING.

I HAD NO IDEA I WAS

IN THE BUILDING."

I'VE NEVER BEEN A PART

OF BUILDING

ANNOUNCEMENTS BEFORE.

NO ONE'S EVER EXCITED ABOUT

ME BEING IN THE BUILDING.

IT'S NEVER LIKE,

"AZIZ IS IN THE BUILDING!"

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE,

"AZIZ IS IN THE BUILDING?

"LET'S GO

TO ANOTHER BUILDING.

THIS BUILDING'S GOT

REALLY LOW STANDARDS."

SO HE SAID THAT,

AND I WAS LIKE,

"OH, THAT WAS NICE OF HIM

TO GIVE ME

A LITTLE SHOUT OUT

OR WHATEVER."

BUT THAT'S WHEN THINGS

GOT TERRIBLE.

'CAUSE RIGHT AFTER

HE SAID THAT, HE GOES,

"YO, AZIZ, COME UP HERE

AND TELL EVERYBODY A JOKE."

AND I WAS LIKE,

"AAH, NO!"

IT'S 4:00 A.M. ON NEW YEAR'S.

I'M OUT OF MY HEAD.

I'M NOT IN THE CONDITION

TO TELL JOKES.

BUT HE KEEPS PUSHING IT.

HE'S LIKE, "NO, MAN,

COME UP HERE

AND TELL EVERYBODY

A NEW YEAR'S DAY JOKE."

A NEW YEAR'S DAY JOKE?

THAT'S A REALLY

SPECIFIC REQUEST.

WHAT WOULD THAT

EVEN BE?

WHAT DID ONE BIRD SAY

TO THE OTHER BIRD?

"WOW, THIS YEAR

REALLY FLEW BY."

BACK TO JAY-Z, EVERYONE!

[laughter and applause]

BUT HE KEPT PUSHING THIS,

AND HE WOULD NOT STOP.

AND EVENTUALLY,

I JUST HAD TO GO UP THERE.

AND I'M GONNA DO MY BEST

TO RECREATE WHAT HAPPENED

WHEN I TOOK THE STAGE.

HE PASSES ME

THE MICROPHONE.

"UM...

"HELLO.

"OKAY, UH, ONE TIME,

"UM, THIS RESTAURANT--

I WENT TO MY HOUSE--

[forced laughter]

"THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

THAT'S NOT--

"THAT'S NOT HOW THAT ONE GOES.

[chuckles]

[yawns]

"I'M SLEEPY.

HAPPY NEW YEAR."

AND I GAVE THE MIC

BACK TO JAY-Z,

AND THE JIGGA MAN

WAS NOT PLEASED.

HE GRABBED THE MIC.

HE MADE THIS WEIRD FACE.

HE WAS LIKE...

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO,

I LET HIM DOWN.

I GOTTA, LIKE, THINK

OF SOMETHING FUNNY."

SO I THOUGHT

OF SOMETHING FUNNY TO SAY.

AND I REACH BACK

FOR THE MIC,

AND HE WAS LIKE, "NO!

"YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE

TO BE FUNNY

AND YOU MISSED IT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO!"

BUT I GET IT.

'CAUSE JAY-Z IS

THE SMOOTHEST MAN OF ALL TIME.

HIS LIFE OPERATES

IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAN MINE.

HE CAN'T COMPREHEND

THE LEVELS OF UNSMOOTHNESS

THAT GO ON WITH ME.

LIKE, IF JAY-Z SLIPPED

ON A BANANA PEEL,

HE WOULD JUST PUT HIS OTHER

FOOT ON THE BANANA PEEL

AND SLIDE TO WHEREVER

HE WAS GOING.

"MAN, I GOT HERE EVEN FASTER

THAN I ANTICIPATED.

HA HA!

THANKS, BANANA PEEL."

MY LIFE IS THE OPPOSITE.

MY LIFE IS ME SPILLING MUSTARD

ON MY SHIRT ALL THE TIME.

JAY-Z IS NEVER GONNA SPILL

MUSTARD ON HIS SHIRT.

EVEN IF MUSTARD WAS ABOUT

TO LAND ON HIS SHIRT,

SOMEONE ELSE WOULD

COINCIDENTALLY BE PASSING HIM

A HOT DOG, AND THE MUSTARD

WOULD JUST GO,

"BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP."

AND HE'D GRAB THE HOT DOG

AND BE LIKE,

"YO, MAN, CAN I GET

SOME MUST--HA HA!

YOU ABOUT TO TAKE A BITE

OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST."

[humming and chewing]

[cheers and applause]

BEFORE I LEAVE, I WANTED

TO TALK ABOUT R. KELLY

FOR A SECOND.

[cheers and applause]

UM, WHEN I WAS

PUTTING TOGETHER

THE MATERIAL FOR THIS SPECIAL,

I WAS THINKING LIKE,

YOU KNOW, I DON'T NEED

TO TALK ABOUT R. KELLY.

I'VE DISCUSSED HIM

IN THE PAST.

NO REASON TO TALK ABOUT HIM

ANYMORE.

AND I WASN'T GONNA DO IT.

BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

R. KELLY KEEPS DOING

AMAZING THINGS.

SO I'M VERY CONFLICTED

ABOUT THIS, BUT...

THIS IS WHAT R. KELLY'S

BEEN UP TO.

HE PUT OUT A SONG

LAST YEAR CALLED ECHO,

AND IN THE SONG, HE'S TALKING

ABOUT HOOKING UP WITH A GIRL

AND TRYING

TO MAKE HER ECHO.

THAT'S WEIRD.

UM, I HAVE NEVER BEEN

HOOKING UP WITH A WOMAN,

AND HER BEEN LIKE,

"AZIZ! AZIZ!

[trailing off]

AZIZ! AZIZ! AZIZ! AZIZ!"

'CAUSE I WOULD THINK,

"OH, NO!

I'M HOOKING UP

WITH A GHOST."

BUT HE PUT THIS SONG OUT,

AND I GUESS WHAT HAPPENED IS

THERE WERE SOME R. KELLY FANS

THAT DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT AN ECHO IS.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU'RE

R. KELLY IN THAT SITUATION?

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA POST

A VIDEO ONLINE

DEFINING THE WORD "ECHO"?

YES! THAT'S EXACTLY

WHAT HE DID.

AND THE VIDEO WENT LIKE THIS.

HE COMES ON THE SCREEN,

HE'S LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL,

SOME OF Y'ALL DON'T KNOW

"WHAT AN ECHO IS.

"NOW AN ECHO IS JUST

BASICALLY,

"LIKE, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU STAND

ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN

"AND YOU GO, 'HELLO!'

"AND YOU HEAR,

'HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO'?

THAT'S AN ECHO."

END OF VIDEO.

AND I SAID, "UH,

THAT'S THE MOST AMAZING THING

"I'VE SEEN IN QUITE A WHILE.

"HOW DO WE GET R. KELLY

IN TOUCH

"WITH THE MERRIAM-WEBSTER

PEOPLE IN ORDER

"TO START FUNDING

FOR THE ONLINE R. KELLY

VIDEO DICTIONARY?"

THAT'S GOTTA HAPPEN

AT SOME POINT

IN OUR LIFETIME.

WOULDN'T THAT BE AMAZING?

TYPE IN ANY WORD.

"CHEESEBURGER."

"ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL,

SOME OF Y'ALL

"DON'T KNOW

WHAT A CHEESEBURGER IS.

"YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO

TO MCDONALD'S

"AND YOU ORDER

A CHEESEBURGER?

THAT'S A CHEESEBURGER."

"SEE ALSO RELATED WORDS:

'VEGGIE BURGER.'"

"YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET

A CHEESEBURGER

"AND IT TASTES FUNNY?

THAT'S A VEGGIE BURGER."

OR, UH, "JUICE BOX."

"ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL,

SOME OF Y'ALL

"DON'T KNOW

WHAT A JUICE BOX IS.

"YOU KNOW WHEN YOU

MAKING LOVE TO A WOMAN

"AND YOU'RE HOLDING ON

TO HER BOOTY,

"AND YOU'RE LIKE,

'OH, MY GOD,

"'THIS IS THE MOST

AMAZING BOOTY

"'I'VE EVER HELD ON TO

IN MY LIFE.

"'I CANNOT LET GO

OF THIS BOOTY.

"FOR WHATEVER REASON,

I CANNOT LET GO.'

"BUT YOU GET REALLY

THIRSTY?

THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN REACH

FOR YOUR JUICE BOX."

[imitating liquid slurping]

OR "ATM MACHINE."

"ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL,

SOME OF Y'ALL

"DON'T KNOW WHAT AN ATM IS.

"YOU KNOW, AN ATM MACHINE

IS A MACHINE

"WHERE YOU CAN PUT A CARD IN,

YOU GET MONEY OUT,

"YOU CAN GET YOUR MONEY OUT

AND YOU CAN LEAVE.

"OR IF YOU GOT A GIRL

WITH YOU,

"YOU CAN PUT HER AGAINST

THE ATM MACHINE AND JUST...

"♪ GRI-I-I-I-IND ♪

"♪ SHE'S GOT HER HANDS

ON YOUR THING ♪

"♪ YOU GOT YOUR HANDS

ON HER TITTIES ♪

"♪ YOU ABOUT TO MAKE LOVE

TO THIS NICE ITTY-BITTY ♪

"♪ Y'ALL ARE FUCKIN'

BY THE ATM ♪

"♪ FUCKIN' BY THE ATM,

FUCKIN' BY THE ATM ♪

[cheers and applause]

"♪ WITHDRAW, DEPOSIT,

WITHDRAW, DEPOSIT ♪

"♪ WITHDRAW, DEPOSIT,

WITHDRAW, DEPOSIT ♪

"♪ DAMN, GIRL, I NEED

ADDITIONAL FUNDS ♪

AND THAT'S 'ATM.'"

THANK YOU, GUYS,

SO MUCH!

THANK YOU VERY,

VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR COMING OUT.

YOU'RE A FANTASTIC AUDIENCE.

GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU!

[cheers and applause]