Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive (2013) - full transcript

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Ladies and gentlemen...

Aziz Ansari!

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Philadelphia, wow!
Thank you.

Thank you so much!

Wow!
Wow!

This is awkward.

I actually have
no material prepared.

Um...

I just booked
this venue for this date



and I was like,
Oh, I'll have an act by then.

I...don't, uh...

No, it's gonna be really good.

I have one prepared
which is convenient

'cause we're filming
and everything.

Uh, so, let's begin.

I, uh, turned 30 years old
this year.

Yes, it's been a good year.

I have found this year
to be the year

where a lot of my friends
are getting serious

about their lives.
You know, they call me up.

They say serious things.
They're like, "Aziz,

you're not gonna believe it!
I just had a baby!"

And I always have
the same reaction.
I always go,



"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
That sucks!

"I'm so sorry that happened.

"Why weren't you guys not using
condoms or birth control?

"You're gonna have to take
care of that thing forever!

"All right, well,
I'll talk to you later.

"I'm going to go do literally
anything I want,

"'cause I don't have a baby

"so all my options

are still options."

I hate those phone calls.
I also hate those emails.

Your friends
send in those emails.

They'll attach
a photo of the baby.

They'll write something cute
to welcome the baby.

"Hey, everyone!

Welcome Lindsay
to the Universe!"

I always just write back,
"Unsubscribe."

Yes, I don't recall
signing up
for this mailing list.

Please remove me
from all future updates.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to throw your baby

in my trash.

And now everyone
has video cameras on their
phones and everything

so you can get
videos of the babies.

Every single video I've gotten
is exactly the same though.

Kid shows up on the screen.

End of clip.
That's the amazing footage

they needed to share
with everyone.

"Brian's first steps!"

Look, I walk all the time.
I'm not impressed.

I'm gonna start sending
my own clips back.

"Look at this shit.

"Brian has nothin' on this!
He has no swagger in his step.

He almost fell down
after three steps."

Meanwhile,
I'm running advanced shit.

I can high-step.
I can run if I want to.

I can even tip-toe behind Brian,
push him on the ground

and then step on him
with my next step.

So, that's how advanced
my shit is.

Some of these people aren't
ready to have kids, either.

You know, you ever
have friends like that?

They're about to have kids.
You're like, "What?! No!

They're dumb. Why?

I got a friend.
He got married recently.
He's kind of a goofball.

I asked him,
I said, "Hey, you're not gonna
have kids, are you?"

He's like, "Maybe next year."
I was like, "Dude,

"you still have a chain wallet.

"You can't have a chain wallet
and a kid at the same time.

"Ah, if your wallet
is causing you so much problem

"you have to chain it
to your person...

"you're not ready to bring
life into the world.

"If you go to like,
pay for the baby
with a chain wallet,

"they should like,
Oh, no, no, no.

we got to put this one back--
Whoop!"

I'm not ready for that
kind of responsibility.

If someone came up to me
with a baby like,

"Hey, you got to look out
for this baby."

I be like, "Sorry,
I got my own things
going on right now.

I don't have time to look out
for this little, brown baby."

In this scenario, I'm assuming
it's a little Indian baby.

If it was a white baby
I'd be like,

Get that thing
away from me.
It's disgusting!"

White babies are gross, man!
I'm sorry!

They're like regular babies
that aren't ripe yet.

And look,
I'm 30 years-old.

That's a totally reasonable age
to have a kid,

but to me
it's still terrifying, you know.

They have that show
16 and Pregnant.

They're should be a show called
25 and Pregnant .

I'd be like,
"Oh, no, those poor kids!

"They have their
whole lives ahead of them.

It's a shame
things turned out that way.
What happened?"

"Me and my husband
decided to start a family."

"Bbp!
Irresponsible decisions."

That show is the most
depressing television show
I've ever seen.

'Cause You know,
any other reality show

where there's like
a big fat guy or something

and at the end of the episode

he's eating right,
he's exercising.

You're like, "All right,
things are gonna get better.

"Yeah, things
are gonna get better.
Good job TV show.

Things are
gonna get better."

16 and Pregnant
and you're like,

"Whoa, that's
never getting better."

The only good thing
that happened this week

was the guy almost
got a job at Arby's...

and the girl
won a fistfight with her mom.

This is brutal.

And they don't do
anything nice for the kids
at the end of the show.

There's no money.
There's no new house.

Come on,
do something for those kids.

Like maybe at the end
of each episode

Xzibit could show up.

And the kids would be like,
"Oh, my God.

"Xzibit, are you here
to pimp our rides?"

And he'd be like,
"No, I'm gonna raise your baby
as my own!

You're free to go back
as being teenagers!"

And they'd be like,
"Thank you, Xzibit.

Thank you so much
for our lives!"

Then Xzibit would take the baby
and put it on a bus

with all the other babies
he's collected,

and then you do
a second show

about Xzibit trying to raise
30 babies by himself.

I, I do find
the 16 and Pregnant show
kinda mean-spirited.

You know, 'cause you got
a camera crew there, like,

"All right,
you don't have any money.

"No one's helping
you raise your children.

"All hope is lost...
And, cut!

"Good luck with everything.
We got to go.

"Let's go!
Sorry.

"There's this other
16-year-old girl

"that lives down the street

"that had
all the advantages in life.

"She's about to have
an amazing birthday party.

"We've got to film
that for a second show
called Super Sweet 16.

It's a shame you guys
can't switch places for a week
'cause her shit is sweet."

Ugh, I hate the girls on
Super Sweet 16.

Whenever I watch that show

I'm like, "Ugh, could someone
impregnate this girl

and ruin her life please?"

What an awful person.

That'd actually
be a better show.

If they just did horrible stuff
to that girl for a week.

"Meet Amanda.
She's 16 and horrible.

"So we cut the brakes
in her car.

"We put a bunch of holes
in her condoms.

Let's see what
happens this week."

Do those girls
not watch the other show?

Do they not realize
how fortunate they are?

They're sit there complaining
about the dumbest stuff

just like, "But, but, but,
it's not the right car.

It's not the car I wanted."

They just moved into a car
on the other show.

Three people are living in a
'89 Honda Civic Coupe.

There's more people
than doors.

"But the lights aren't right."

Their kid isn't right.

Their kid has a tooth
coming out of his nose,

and they can't pay for a dentist
with a tooth in his mouth.

The kid's
gonna have to brush his nose

for the rest of his life.

"But, but, but the balloons
aren't the right color."

Their kid
isn't the right color.

They had the wrong father.
That's how crazy

shit's getting over there!

It's a perspective.

Do any of you guys have kids?
A round of applause
if you got kids somewhere?

Wow

Aren't you scared
your kid's getting kidnapped
right now?

I mean, it's like
eleven O'clock on a Wednesday.

Where is your kid?!

Seriously.
Where is the kid?

Who's watching the kid?
Some dumb 15-year-old

that lives down the street
that's probably just

giving a hand job
to some other 15-year-old idiot.

Seriously, get out of here!

Go! Leave! Leave! Go!

You're sitting there,
"Ah, ha, ha, ha!"

"Your kid's in handcuffs!"

Probably not.
Maybe, but probably not.

Look, I'm just saying.
I would be worried constantly

if I had a kid.
I think about
how much my mom

let me run around
when I was a kid.

Ten years-old
running around by myself...

going to the mall,
to the video arcade,
to the toy store.

Crazy.

I should've been
getting molested all the time.

Like, I don't know
how it never happened.

Not even once.
Not even once.

Keep in mind
I was the cutest kid
of all time.

Like, take the most adorable
little, brown puppy

you can imagine,
turn that into a person.
That was me as a kid.

I mean, who wouldn't be
trying to fuck that?

Just an unbelievable
level of cuteness.

My theory is
that I was so cute as a kid

that it intimidated
child molesters.

Like for child molesters,
I was kind of like

the hot girl at the bar.
They're like,

"Oh, my God,
Aziz is here! Aziz is here!
Aziz is here!"

Okay, you can do this.

You can do this.
Just be yourself.

Just be yourself.
Confidence.

Kids like confidence.
Let's do this.

"Hi, Aziz!" "Hi."

That's a, that's a cool uh...

Ha, ha, that's a cool uh--
That's a great...

All right, well, see you later.
Ah! You're so stupid!

You didn't even say anything!
Who am I kidding anyway?

This is Aziz
we're talking about.

He could fuck any
grown man he wants.

You know what's weird?

As I can tell,
you guys feel sad

for the child molester
in that joke.

I could see it in your faces.
You're saying,

"Ah, he's not gonna
get to fuck little Aziz.

He seemed so nice."
You know what's strange?

At some point in your life
you actually got to sit down

and make sure
you weren't molested.

'Cause it could be buried.
That's the thing.

So at some point
you actually got to sit down
and think really hard.

It's like...

"No, I wasn't.
My childhood was cool.

I was mostly just
playing with trucks."

'Cause it can be buried.
If my stuff is buried,

I want it to stay buried.

I don't want to wake up
when I'm 43 and be like,

"Oh, shit!
I fucked my T-ball coach.

Totally forgot about that--
Buried."

You read these news stories.
Man, there's some

sick people out there.

You read these news stories.
Some sick people.

You read news stories like,
like, "Oh, the soccer coach

has molested
the kids for years."

For years?

Why do the kids keep going
back to the same soccer camp?

The only reason I ask that
is 'cause I quit soccer

'cause another kid
pushed me down on the ground.

If I was
forced to perform oral sex,

I definitely
would've been done.

That would've been it
for soccer.

There's no way
I would've went back.

That would've been
a firm deal breaker...

guitar lessons
would've started next Tuesday.

So...

Wh-what, is my mom
gonna get mad at me,

"Hey, Aziz, you got to go
to soccer practice."

"I'm not going."
"Really, young man?

Why aren't you going
to soccer practice?"

"Um, the coach is making
all the kids suck his dick!

"Is that enough reason
for me not to go?

"Is that enough reason?
Oh, am I grounded now?

"And no video games?
I'll take that over

"an old man jizzing on my belly,
"thank you very much.

"So send me
to my fucking room.

I'll be there not sucking
some old man's jig!"

"Knock on my door
when those cupcakes are ready."

You know what's crazy
is there must be kids
that talk like that now.

You know what I mean?

'Cause kids
aren't innocent anymore.
They know everything.

In your head
you imagine a kid being like,

"Something bad happened."

Kids are like,
"A cock was in my mouth, Mom!

"Thanks for
signing me up for golf!

"It really
got me out of the house!

It also got
a penis near my face!
So thanks!"

If there's
anyone here from the paper,

feel free to quote that bit
in your article.

It's a scary time
to be a kid, man.

I just saw this documentary
about bullying.

And I know you're
always hearing that.

Oh, really,
kids getting bullied in school,

"that's what they're making
a big deal about now?"

That's kinda
what I thought going in,

then I saw
the documentary.

First scene,
kid is sitting on a bus,

he looks at
this other kid and goes,

"Hey, how's it going?"
The kid goes,

"I hate you.

"I'm gonna murder you
and cut your face off.

"I'm gonna put it on my face

"and then look in the mirror
and make fun of myself.

That's how much I hate you."

So I saw that and I thought,
All right, yep.

This is a problem.
Wow, that was terrifying!

God damn,
that's not bullying and teasing,

that's some demented shit
to say to another person.

Bullying and teasing
was the nonsense I did

when I was a kid.

"Hey, you're fat."

"Hey, you're brown."
"Shut up, you bozo!"

"Get out of here, you dingdong."
That's fine.

Do that all day,
no one's gonna get hurt.

I would've never
went up to some fat kid

and been like,
"I hate you.

"I'm gonna murder you
and cut your fat off...

"then use it to make a fat suit
and then dress up

"as a fat housekeeper
ala Mrs. Doubtfire.

And then I'm gonna
start working for your family."

No. That was a psycho zone
everyone agreed not to go into.

And it's so hard
to see this documentary

because nothing happens
to the bully kids.

They're beating the crap
out of the kid,

saying this awful stuff,
nothing happens.

That wouldn't fly
in the adult world.

That wouldn't be tolerated
in any workplace

or anything like that.
Like, that wouldn't fly in Ikea.

Like if you worked at Ikea

and you went up to some
other employ like,

"I'm gonna murder you,
you fucking dork!"

They be like, "All right Phil,
you can't sell lamps anymore.

Now get out!
You're done! Get out!"

"But look at him.
He's a nerd!"

"You're a psychopath!

Get your meatball
severance package and leave!"

I felt so bad for the kids, man.

They would try to tell
the teachers.

Teacher wouldn't do anything.

Kid goes up to
the teacher and says,

"Uh, he says he's gonna
cut my arms off

and glue 'em on my butt
so I can look like a minotaur."

Teacher is like, "Ah, well,
maybe he won't do it.

See ya later."
Do something, man.

I remember one time
when I was a kid

and someone actually
physically hit me

when I was growing up
in South Carolina.

I'll never forget what happened.
Kid hits me.

I go tell the teacher right way.

Teacher goes over to the kid
immediately and just goes,

"If you touch him again
I will end you."

And that was it.
Bullying done.

No one's ever bothered me
again in my life.

She scared everyone on earth.

'Cause that's how
the bullying should be handled.

'Cause that kid was like,
"All right, well,

"I don't want to be ended,
whatever the fuck that means!

I'll leave him alone."

Having a kid is a crazy gamble.

No one ever talks about it
in terms of being a gamble,

but it is.
Think about what position

in life you're in
when you decide to have a kid.

It's usually
a very safe position.

You know, you're married,
you found a mate.

That's huge.
You usually have a job
and a home.

That's very difficult
to lock down.

It's like you
finally put together this very
large complicated puzzle

and then you're just like,
"Fuck this puzzle!

Let's have a kid!"
And then the kid just shits

all over the puzzle.
The puzzle is ruined.

You're never putting it
back together again.

It's destroyed.
And now you have this kid.

And here's the gamble--
here's the scary part.

You can do everything right,
you can read all the books,

and you could still have
a total piece of shit kid.

You could have the worst kid.

You could have
one of the bully kids.

That could be your kid.
You don't know.

You could have a total
piece of shit.

Teacher's like,
"Ah, your son..."

"Yeah, I know.
He's shitty, okay?

"I hang out with him
all the time.

"He's the worst.
What do you want me to do, huh?

"I have to feed and shelter him

"or I get thrown in jail
for some reason.

"Ooh, I'm sorry
he's ruining your mornings.

"Guess who hangs out with him
on afternoons and weekends?

Me. So how about
a little sympathy for me."

"Well, sir,
have you thought about--"

"No! There's nothing
to think about.

"There's nothing to do, okay?
It's not his diet.

"He doesn't have
too much glutin.

"He's just shitty, okay?!
Some people are nice.
Some people are shitty.

"My kid is shitty, all right?
I've accepted it, all right?

"I made a mistake, okay?

"I gave up my best years
raising this monster!

"I could've started a band!
I play bass!

"But no, I didn't do that.
Instead I have this thing.

"Ooh, something that looks like
me and my wife put together.

"Uh, great.
Eat your vegetables.

"Can I throw a baseball
at your face

and you
catch it half the time?
Fuck me!"

Now, I'm not saying
I don't like kids.

I like kids.
I have fun hanging out
with my friends kids,

and joking
around with them-- whatever.
They're great.

But I do feel like
when I talk to my friends

that recently had kids,
it does seem they had to give up

everything for the kid,
and that's very scary.

You want to have a very
depressing conversation?

Talk to a couple
that just had a kid.

Ask them about the last night
they went out for themselves.

They will describe
the most boring typical

mundane evening out
with the same enthusiasm

a normal person
will describe a three-way
sexual experience.

I'll show you what I mean.
Over here, a guy describing

a three-way
sexual experience, over here,

a couple
that just had a kid.

"So we go back to my house,

"I got these two
really hot girls.

"So we go to the mall

I got two tickets
to Rango"...

I know what you're thinking.

Aziz, shouldn't you update that
to a more recent film?

No. These people go to movies
that are as old as shit.

They've been trying to see Rango
for a couple of years now.

Next thing you know,
they're taking
their clothes off.

Next thing you know,
we're eating nachos.

Skin is everywhere.

Cheese is everywhere.

Cheese is everywhere.

These girls were freaks...

Into freaky things
such as cheese.

Let me get a sense of you guys
as an audience.

Clap if you're married
right now.

Clap if you're married.

You guys
here in the front.

How long did you guys
know each other
before you got married?

Five years?

That's always
an interesting figure to me

how long people knew each other
before they got married.

Clap if you knew your person
five years or less.

Okay.

Clap if it was
three years or less.

All right.

Clap if it was
two years or less.

We're all laughing 'cause
you'll probably get divorced.

That was a crazy idea.
Why'd you do that?!

You didn't need to do that.

You could've
just kept dating her.

Wh-- Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why?

What happened?
Did you lose a bet or something?

Look, of course,
I could be totally wrong.

You guys could be soul mates.
I don't know.

But to me two years
doesn't seem like enough time

to get to know someone

to know you want to spend
the rest of your life with them.

Two years? Two years?
I've had sweaters for two years.

You be like, "What the fuck
am I doing with this sweater?"

"Bbp, so stupid looking.

"I can't believe
I ever thought about

keeping that sweater
for the rest of my life."

That's a sweater.

Another thing people do
that scares me,

they'll marry
their high school sweetheart.

That's strange to me.

To meet someone when you're like
16 years-old and just go,

"All right, I'm done."

Well, I don't think
I'm gonna run into anyone
interesting

in my 20s or 30s.

I'm just gonna lock
this shit down now...

for no reason at all.

Think about all the dumb things
you believed

when you were that age.

Think about all the stupid
decisions you made.

Imagine being stuck with
any of those decisions

for the rest of your life.
Even just little things.

All right, well, I guess
I got this Bob Marley poster

over my bed for the rest
of my life.

It's cool though
because I took a bunch

of little photos
of Bob Marley

and I put it together
to look like a
big photo of Bob Marley.

It's a mosaic.

I just don't think
you have any idea

what your adult life
is gonna be like

when you're 16 years-old.

You realize how awful
my life would be

if it turned out the way
that I thought it was going to
when I was 16 years-old?

You know what my big plan was?
I was gonna go to college

and major in
Business and Biology.
That was the plan.

First I hit you
with the business

and you think
it's all done.

And then I come back--
Boosh!--

Hit you with the Biology.
What was I gonna do

with this stupid double major?!

Sell organs on the black market
very efficiently?

I have friends from college.
They're starting to get married.

I went to one of the weddings
and I asked the groom, I said,

"Hey, why did you decide
to get married?" He goes,

"Well, I don't know.

We've been dating
a few years now."

Wow! That's a terrible way
to answer that question!

Especially with
that tone and cadence.

Well, I don't know.

That's not the appropriate
tone and cadence

to answer that question.

That's the appropriate
tone and cadence

if someone's like, "Hey,
why'd you buy a FIJI water?"

"Well, I don't know.
The bottle looked kinda cool."

Perfect.
That's a fantastic moment

to use that
tone and cadence.
So well done...

That's also not a reason
to get married, you know.

"We've been dating
a few years now."

I've been eating
at the same taco stand
for a few years now.

I'm not gonna
commit to that taco stand
for the rest of my life.

Everything's following
my current relationship

with a taco stand.
Now if the taco stand

were to move into
my apartment with me

I might be up for that,
'cause then I'd have

delicious tacos
whenever I wanted but,

the economics
of taco stands wouldn't
allow such a thing.

I know what you're thinking.

Wow, Aziz just
compared women to tacos.

He must not think
that highly of women.

No, I just think
that highly of tacos.

One thing
I love about marriage though
is the proposal.

I think that is so sweet.

Here's this moment
where you know

you're gonna change
the life of yourself

and this person you love forever
and you can plan it out

and you can make it
the most beautiful amazing

perfect moment.
You don't get to do that

with most big moments
in your life,

but with the proposal
you can.

So, sir, five years guy,
what did you do to make it

the most beautiful amazing
perfect special moment ever?

Set the scene, okay?
What city are we in?

We're in Philadelphia.

Don't feel like
traveling too far.

Let's just do this
shit in Philly.

Okay, so we're
in Philadelphia.

Where are we at
in Philadelphia?

At a five star restaurant--

Don't worry,
not a three star-- a five star.

I like how you--
You couldn't wait
to say "five star."

You're like,
"Five star restaurant!"

We're at a
five star restaurant...Okay.

And so, you're at
the five star restaurant

and, you know,
it's dinner I imagine?

"It was lunch"!
Oh, shit!

I should'nt have assumed!

This is the
shit you leave out.

"Five star"...
Maybe the lunch prix fixe
won't be a big deal.

I mean, it's the same food!

They serve the dinner menu
at lunch, guys!

So lunch at the
five star restaurant.

I mean, at this point
you got to wonder,

Lunch at a
five star restaurant.

Dinner at a
four star restaurant...

I feel like,
I feel like lunch loses a star.

There's no five star
lunch restaurants.

There's four star
lunch restaurants

that operate as five star
dinner restaurants.

Okay, okay,
we're at lunch,

five star restaurant...

and what period of the meal
do you decide to ask?

'Cause that's very difficult,
you know?

You can't ask like,
you know, before you order

'cause it's like...

What, he asked
before you ordered?!

What the hell?
Isn't that kind of
a scary idea?!

What do you want to have,
the most awkward lunch

of all time?!
"No?

Well, you want to split
some jalapeno poppers?

So you ask
before you even order?

Wow! And then,
Miss, did you-- what happened?

Did you immediately say "yes"?
What was the situation?

You didn't say anything?!

Well, that's even like
more morbid than saying "no."

"Do you want to marry me?"

All these people
are looking at me, bitch.
Say something.

You didn't say anything?
Were you thinking about?

Were you taken aback?
What happened?

You wanted to eat?!

You wanted to eat?
And were you down on one knee?

You were down on one knee
and you're just waiting.

And what's going on
through your head?

"The breadsticks
were coming out."

Hold up!
What five star restaurant

drops breadsticks
on the table?

Sir...

I'm gonna
ask you something...

and I need you to be
very honest with me right now.

This restaurant...

when it comes to their
breadstick policy...

does the word "unlimited"
come to mind?

I don't even
know what is happening.
I have done this,

I have done this in every city
on my tour...

this is the most bizarre
shit ever.

Did you see this coming at all?
Did you know this was coming?

Come on.
Come on, now.
Come on.

It's lunchtime...

The waiter has dropped
the breadsticks...

We've all read this book.
We know how this story goes.

Now I've talked to people
all over the country

about their proposal stories,
and you know what I learned?

I learned that ultimately
it doesn't matter

what you do
for your proposals.

Some people go and do this
big grand gesture.

Some people do
simple, sweet things.

Ultimately,
what's really beautiful

is that you found someone
to say "yes" to this

totally insane thing
you just asked them.

It's the most
insane thing you could ever

ask another person to do.
It really is.

It doesn't seem
as insane as it is

'cause we're all familiar
with marriage as an institution.

But imagine if marriage
didn't exist and you're a guy

and you asked a woman
to get married.

Imagine what that conversation
will be like.

You be like uh,
"Hey, so, you know,

"we've been
hanging out together,

"spending a lot
of time together..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

"I wanna keep doing that
'til you're dead."

"W-w-what?"

"I wanna keep
hanging out with you
'til one of us dies.

"Put this ring on your finger
so people know

we have an arrangement."

"W-what, w-what--
Who's that guy?"

"It's a priest.
I want you to swear to God

you won't back out
of this deal."

"W-w-what's he wheeling in?"

"It's a cake with two tiny dolls
that look like us.

"Eat a slice!

Now feed a little bit to me!"

"This is really strange.

Why are we doing this?"

"Tax purposes."

That's pretty much
what you're asking.

This is another thing
that baffles me about people

being opposed to gay marriage,
you know.

Here these people,
they found someone to say "yes"

to this totally insane thing

and then some other person's
gonna be like,

"No, it's weird.

I just-- I just--
I just think it's weird."

It's pretty much the only
argument at this point really.

I don't see how
you can really be opposed

to gay marriage
at this point.

Like you know
you're on the losing side.

There's no way it's not
gonna go through.

All the demographics
that are really opposed
to gay marriage.

They're all gonna be dead soon.

Like, whenever
they ask young people,

young people are like, "What,
what are you talking about?

"All music
is free right now.

"What the fuck
are you talking about?

"Oh, two dudes are kissing?

I'm about to watch
every movie ever right now."

They don't care at all.

But seriously,
how do you not know

you're on the losing team
at this point?

These are the same people
that were opposed to like uh,

women voting
or black dudes playing baseball.

What was the last thing
they were opposed to?

Interracial relationships.

If you're opposed
to interracial relationships,

guess what?
I'm fucking white girls.

There's nothing
you can do about it.

Any time I have sex
with a white girl,

I think about those people
for a few pumps

and it's such
a great feeling.

Just like--

It's just not right!
Well, it's in there

so I don't know what
you're gonna do about it.

Seriously,
all of you here,

next time
you have sex with someone
of a different race,

think about those people
for a minute--

you really should do this.
It's very important.

It's your duty as an American,
and I promise you,

nothing feels better
than orgasming

while thinking about
all the progress we've made

in civil rights
in this country.

I still can't believe
it's an issue.

It just baffles my mind.

That whole
Chick-fil-A situation...

Whew! That was quite
a conundrum for me.

'Cause, you know, obviously
I'm very pro-gay marriage,

but, I'm also very
pro-delicious chicken sandwich.

It's like, Ughh...
What do you do?!

I stopped eating Chick-fil-A.
I'm never gonna eat Chick-fil-A.

I don't eat it anymore.

That is the saddest thing
you could ever applaud.

"You are so brave, Aziz!

"How you find the strength
to resist those

"delicious chicken sandwiches
we will never know.

"But you are
a man of principle

and we applaud you!"

I mean,
I still eat the nuggets
all the time.

So it's not that hard.

No, no, I don't eat the nuggets.
I don't eat the nuggets.

I don't.
I don't.

But that was a
strange situation, right?

I was so jealous
of homophobic people.

Man, what a delicious way
to support your hateful cause.

I don't have opportunities
like that in my life.

I wish I did.
I wish the places

that made food
that I found so delicious,

also took political stands
I can get behind.

Like my favorite place
to get a cheeseburger

is Shake Shack.
I love Shake Shack.

It's so delicious.

You realize how excited I'd be
if I went to Shake Shack one day

and they're like,
"Hey, just so you know,

part of our profits now
go towards fucking over people

that work at United Airlines
customer service."

"What? What? Yes! Yes!
H-h-how are you doing this?"

"Well, any time
you buy a burger,

"part of the money goes towards
paying people on Craigslist

to shit in their cars."

"That's fantastic!
Can I get 75 cheeseburgers,

please?"

I do want to get married
at some point I think.

I'm not sure when.
I was in India recently

and my grandma asked me,
she goes, "Uh, Aziz,

when are you gonna get married?"
I was like,

"Egh, I don't know
if you'll be around."

She's old!

That was a fun trip.
Uh, I spent a lot of time

with a cousin of mine
that lives there.

He's around my age.

And it was really fascinating
to me the dichotomy

of our two lives.
My life is totally different

'cause I was
born and raised in America

and he was born and raised
in this poor part of India

where my family
is originally from.

My family's originally
from a poor part of India.

They're not from
the part of India

'study abroad programs'
are based.

They're from like
the South Carolina of India.

It's pretty rough.
For real.

Like the way you take
a shower there.

It's not
the way you take a shower here.

The way you have
to take a shower at their house

is you fill a bucket
with hot water

and you take a smaller bucket
and you pour the water on.

That's to conserve
hot water.

And it's a little strange
'cause, you know,

I jerk off in the shower
on occasion.

If you're showering
with the bucket method,

you can't jerk off
in the shower.

Uh, that silence
is way too terrifying.

Even people that jerk off
in the shower here,

no one turns the shower off
and goes in the corner

like this--
Dat-dat-dat-dat-dat...

No, that's some
serial killer shit.

"Oh, so sorry,
that noise I made,
Dat-dat-dat...

That's not the noise it makes
when a dude jerks off.

Um... If some guy
comes up to you and starts
jerking off and he goes,

Dat-dat-dat... Look out,
that's a robot from the future

that's been sent back in time
to jizz in your face.

But the thing
about being there in India was,

you know, I didn't
feel like jerking off...

all the time.
You know, because there's

was less sexuality there.
Women are dressed

more conservatively.
There's not like sexy posters

and magazine covers everywhere.
It's a way different vibe.

I came back to New York
after that trip

and I was like,
"I wanna fuck everything!"

There was just so much sex
in your face constantly

and I never realized
just how desensitized I was.

You know, I see the most
graphic sexual imagery

and it goes to my head
like it's nothing.

I saw an ad
for a gym in New York,

this is
a real ad for a gym.

Okay, it's an ad
for Equinox gym.

This guy is
laying down on a couch,

his clothes
are coming off,

shirt's coming off,
pants are coming off.

There's a woman straddling him,
her clothes are coming off,

and it's just so sexual.
Like it honestly looks like

this woman was sucking
this dude's dick

and someone was like, "Hey."
She's like, "Huh?"

And they took a photo.
That's how sexual it is.

And I'm just sitting there
looking at this and it's like,

How did this
become an ad for a gym?
This does not-- How?

This would not fly in India.
They'd be like this,

"This has nothing
to do with gyms."

Please take this down.
This is...

This is a bit ludicrous.

So how'd it become an ad?
I'm not sure.

At some point
they must've had a meeting.

They're like, "All right, well,
we need a new Winter campaign.

"We need some ideas.
Bruce, what do you got?"

Here's what I'm thinking.

We have a gentleman
on an exercise bike.

He's riding the bike
and it says,

"Ride Your Way
To A Better You."

Hm, Bruce, I like that.
I like the tag line.

I like the imagery.
That's very nice.

I like that a lot.

Does anybody else have anything
they want to pitch?

David, what do you got?

I just got a photo
of two people fucking

and underneath it
I wrote "Equinox."

David, that's fantastic!

Let's put those up
all over town.

Bruce, pack your shit up
and get out of here.

You're done.

So, my cousin
is there in India.

Totally different life,
way more conservative lifestyle.

I don't think he's dating
or anything like that.

He'll probably
have an arranged marriage.

A lot of people in India
still have arranged marriages.

My dad had an arranged marriage.
It was to my mom.

That's how they arranged it.
And it's interesting.

Whenever I tell people that
they're always like,

"Oh, my God,
is everything okay?

Do they hate each other?

And they only ask that 'cause
it's an arranged marriage...

Those questions are totally
valid for any marriage.

Those people are married--
Oh, my God, is everything okay?

Do they hate each other?

See?
It still makes sense.

I read a little bit
about arranged marriage.

I read some
research and stuff they've done.

Very interesting.
I found this study they did

where they took couples
that had arranged marriages

and they took couples
that had non-arranged marriages

and they measured
their happiness levels.

In the first
three to five years

non-arranged couples
were happier.

But when I looked at it
25--30 years down the line,

the arranged couples
were happier.

So, who knows?
I don't know.

My parents are just as happy
as any old white people

I've ever run into.

But, I don't think
I can do an arranged marriage.

I talked to my dad
about his experience

and, uh, you know, he was like,
"Well, uh, I met your mom

and a week later
we got married."

And I was like, "Whoa!

How long did you
talk to her for?"

He's like, "Hm...30 minutes."
Thirty minutes?

"Like an episode of 'How I Met
Your Mother' 30 minutes?

That's how you met my mother?"

Thirty minutes
isn't a lot of time, man.

Think about all the crazy things
you learn about people--

weeks, months,
years into a relationship.

I be like I would get
an arranged marriage

and three weeks in
I'd be like,

"What, you don't watch
"Game of Thrones?

"I knew shouldn't
have signed up for this shit.

"We should've discussed
DVR preferences.

"What did you erase
all my shows for?

Celebrity Ghost Stories?"

That's a real show,
by the way.

They asked me to be on
Celebrity Ghost Stories,
but, uh, I said no,

'cause I haven't
seen any ghosts.

I like ghosts though.
Whenever you hear about ghosts

it's always
the same kind of stories.

You know... "Ghost was wearing
old timey clothes.

"Ghost was turning
my lights on and off.

"Ghost was turning
my faucets on and off.

Ghosts,
I'm trying to sleep!"

It's like, all right,
take it easy.

These people
died hundreds of years ago.

They've never seen
running water before.
They're blown away.

They're just sittin' there...

Where is the well?
How is the water getting here?!

All the ghosts come in here
look at this.

Now it's dark-- Bsch!--
Now it's not-- Bsch!

They're not going "Boo",

they're going, "Oooh,

modern advances."

I hope I see a ghost
at some point.

'Cause if I see one,
it would be very interesting

'cause I live in
a modern building--
a newer building--

so if I saw a ghost,
it would be like a modern ghost.

You know, I would just wake up
in the middle of the night,

there'd be a dude
in the corner texting.

Boo.

Those would be
the best ghosts.

Those would be the best
ghost stories.

You come home one day,
you turn on your TV,

you look on your Netflix.

"What, 'Mad Men Season 5,
previously viewed'?

"I never watch--

"Ghosts!

They're on Season 5!"

Those would be the best ghosts.

You wake up
in the middle of the night,

there's some ghost
standing over your bed.

"What's your WiFi password?"

That was a long tangent
on ghosts.

But, I guess ultimately,
what scares me about marriage

is where do you
find this person?

You know, a lot of times
most successful relationships,

uh, people meet through work,
school, mutual friends.

But what's most interesting
to me is when people

just meet in life,
just randomly.

You know, I have a friend,
he got married.

I asked him,
I was like, "Hey, uh,

where'd you meet your wife?"
He was like,

"I was leaving
Bed Bath & Beyond.

"I was looking for my car.
I drive a gray Prius.

"I saw a different gray Prius.
I thought it was mine.

"I walked up to it.
I realized I had the wrong car.

"But I bumped into Carol.
We started talking.

That was that."
That's unbelievable.

Think about
all the random factors that had

to come together to make this
one moment possible--

this one moment that changed
these two people's entire lives.

First off, this guy has
to live in particular town,

then he has to get
a gray Prius.

Then, he has to need
to go to Bed Bath & Beyond.

Then, he has to go to that
particular Bed Bath & Beyond.

Then, there has to be another
guy who also lives in town,

also drives a gray Prius

and also needs to go
to Bed Bath & Beyond,

also goes to that particular
Bed Bath & Beyond

at around the same time.
Then, they have to both park

somewhat near each other.
My friend had to leave

before the other guy leaves.
See the wrong Prius,

thinks it's his, walk up to it,
then the woman, Carol,

needs to be near
the wrong gray Prius

for a million other
random reasons.

They bump into each other.
They start talking.

Their entire lives are changed.

That's the most amazing
and terrifying thing about life.

It is 'cause the amazing thing
is that at any moment

any one of us
can have that moment

that totally changed our lives.

You could be leaving
the show tonight,
bump into someone...

It could change your life.
You don't know.

That could happen.
The terrifying thing is...

what if we're all supposed to be
at Bed Bath & Beyond right now?

Doesn't that scare you?

I'm so scared of that.

What if you're missing
your moment?

What if you're not
supposed to be here?

What if I'm not
supposed to be here?

My friend's entire life changed
'cause he went to

Bed Bath & Beyond
one afternoon.

The most casual of decisions
had the most tremendous

of consequences.

Why did he go to
Bed Bath & Beyond
that afternoon?

Well, his roommate
had clogged the toilet

and he needed to get some Drano.
Few weeks later

he's falling in love
with this woman.

It's amazing.
It's all 'cause

some other dude ate some
bad Chinese food one day.

And then years later
it gets crazier.

Those two people have a kid.
They come together and do

the most incredible thing
two human beings can do.

They bring a new life
into the universe.

It's all 'cause some other dude
took a really huge shit one day.

That's the most amazing story
you'll ever hear in your life.

No, don't look at me like that.
That's the most amazing story.

Who's ever take a huge shit
and thought,

"I just brought
life into the world."

Where do you meet this person?

I think it's very hard
to meet someone
you really connect with,

that you really feel
a deep connection with.
I think that's hard.

I don't think those people
just come around all the time.

I think it's
a very special thing.

And I think
it's very hard to find,
especially nowadays.

I mean, yes,
there's great people around,

but, man, there is so much
riffraff out there right now.

The percentage of riffraff
has never been higher.

It's very high.
I don't know.

Maybe I'm romanticizing
the past,

but you think about
like older generations,

you know, people in their
20s-- 60s, whatever.

You just imagine
a different vibe.

You know, imagine
men wearing nice suits,

women are dressed all nice,
everyone's speaking properly--

just a classier vibe.

Like if those generations
could be a font

they would be
"Times New Roman."

I look at my generation...
We're fucking Comic Sans.

You can't take us seriously.
We're Comic Sans.

People that are single
and out there,

you know what I'm talking about?
You go out with people sometimes

and you're just like,
"What, you're a person?!

"Hold up. You're a person?
How? You're so dumb,

"How are you--
How do you pay rent?

"How do you have a job?
How are you paying taxes?

How is the world not
crumbling around your idiocy?"

You meet people so dumb
you get scared for their safety.

You're like, "Shit, I'd better
walk this person home.

They might
just walk in the street
and get hit by a bus!

They can't even have
a conversation.

They're just
texting and Instagramming
photos of salt shakers.

What happened to people?!

You meet people so bad sometimes
they're not even Comic Sans.

They're straight-up wing dings.
That's how scary it is.

So what do you do?

We learn to adapt.
We have new things now.

We have things like
online dating.

One in five relationships
is formed online now.

That's a true statistic.

I have a friend,
he met his wife

on one of those sites
and I asked him, I was like,

"So, what'd you search?"
'Cause that's weirdly romantic.

He types in this phrase,
all these algorithms

and things come together,
this woman's face comes up,

he clicks it...
that becomes the woman

he spends
the rest of his life with.

So I asked him,
"What'd you search?"

And he goes,
"Jewish and my zip code."

"What, that's all
you were looking for,

"just something Jewish
close by?!

"You don't
want to drive too far?!

"Proximity was a
big factor here?!

"Jewish and my zip--

"I found a Wendy's that way
a few weeks ago!

"I typed Wendy's and my zip code
then I got some nuggets,

he got a wife
the exact same way!"

Some people still don't
want to do online dating.

Feel like
there's a stigma to it.

That's strange though.
You ask those same people.

"Hey, you ever
meet people in bars?"

I was like,
"Yeah, sure. Why not?"
Don't you see?

Online dating's the same thing,
it's just a different interface?

In a bar you walk around
and you see people's faces.

Online you see those same faces,
they're on a web page.

The difference is
online dating is like

going to a bar
and having superpowers.

You know what I mean?
Online dating is like

being able to walk into a bar
and just go, "All right,

let's just eliminate
all the other dudes."

Um, ooh.

Let's eliminate any women
who that are already in

relationships.

You can do
crazy things like that.

You can't do that
in the real world.

In the real world you can't
walk into a bar and go,

"Jewish and my zip code."

You can't do that.

The other
interesting this is

different sites
mean different things.

Looking for a relationship,
something a little more serious.

okcupid. I'm trying
to fuck something tonight!

eHarmony.
I'm gonna die soon.

I don't wanna die alone!
How do we do this?

I just got a computer
two weeks ago.

Let's go!

The craziest thing I've heard
with online dating is

I have a friend who's gay
and I asked him, I said,

"Hey, you ever do
online dating?" He's like,

"Yeah, I use Grinder."
And I said, "What is that?"

It's an iPhone App.
He turns it on,

all these dudes faces
start popping up, I'm like,

"Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who are these guys?"

And he goes, "Oh, Grinder uses
my GPS to find the closest

Grinder users close to me--
different circles by their face

being what they're up for.
So this guy has a green circle,

that means
he's ready to go, and...

he's ten feet away.

And then
I looked over I was like,
"Holy shit, there he is!"

It was the same guy.

That's the most
unbelievable technology.

Straight people
are so pathetic.

"Can I take you out
for a drink sometime

or maybe we can
get dinner or something?
I don't know."

Gay dudes are like,
"I wanna get my dick sucked

and there he is...Done."

That's a strange
impression of a dude

getting his dick sucked.

I mean, I never sucked
anyone's dick before,

but if I was sucking
someone's dick and I looked up

and they're just like,.

I be like, "Hey, man,
you wanna be

a little more appreciative?

I'm sucking your dick,
for god-sakes!"

I did a show one night
and this woman

came up to me afterwards
and she goes, "Aziz,

why don't they make Grinder
for straight people?"

And I think they tried,
but it failed miserably.

'Cause I don't think any woman
wants to turn on her phone

and be like, "All right,
there's a guy 15 feet away

"that wants to have sex with me.
Oh, wait.

"There's a guy eight feet away.
There's a guy five feet away--

"three feet away...
Okay, every guy around me

"wants to fuck me.
Well, now I don't feel

safe in the world.
So I'm gonna delete this."

I really think that might be
the most incredible technology

that's come out in my lifetime.
For real.

I don't even know how you'd even
explain that concept to someone

a few generations ago.
You show 'em an iPhone

they're like, "Okay, it looks
like a mobile telephone device,

"you use it to call other people
with similar devices--

"have telephone conversations.
Uh, to be honest,

"that part
doesn't work that well.

"But, if you're interested
in putting your penis

"inside some other man,
I can tell you for certain,

that dude is down."

I see why people are turning
to online dating though.

You know, because if you
don't do online dating,

what are your other options
to meet people

outside your
existing social circles?

Your big options are bars
and nightclubs.

Are you really gonna
meet someone like in a bar?

I have friends
that go out with girls
they meet at bars

and they're like,
"The girl wasn't that great."

Yeah, of course
she wasn't that great.

You met her at a bar
on a Tuesday at 1:30 a.m.

That's when riffraff
is hanging out.

You know what girl you're
gonna meet that hour is this,

"Wheewwww!"
Is that noise as a person.

That noise tells you everything
you need to know about

a certain type of girl
'cause nothing nice,

positive or intelligent
has ever come after that noise.

It's always stuff like, "Whew!

"Let's drink
the rest of the Tequila
out of that dumpster!

"Whew, give me an Orbits!
I just blew a guy

"in the changing room at Target
and I forgot to get Orbits

"which is why
I went there in the first place!

"Whew, I'm really
attracted to that guy

"with the backwards baseball hat
and the button-down shirt

that's yelling
and being aggressive for no
apparent reason!"

Those guys
are the male counterparts
to the "Whew" girls.

Now, I don't dislike anyone
based on race, ethnicity,

religion, sexuality,
anything of that nature.

But, if you're a white dude
in a bar with a

backwards baseball hat
and a button-down shirt,

there's a pretty good chance
I fuckin' hate you.

You know
who I'm talking about?

They're not
always dressed that way.

And of course I've met
gentlemen dressed that way

that are nice,
thoughtful people,

but I'm talking more about
a state of mind--an attitude.

I'm talking about the guys
when you leave a crowded bar

they'll say something like, "Yo,
bro, you were pushin' on me.

You were pushin' on me.

I had a drink in my hand,

could've spilt it
all over my shirt.

You need to watch
where you're going.

If you were watching
where you were going

we don't have a problem.

You were pushin' on me.
You were pushin' on me.

I had a drink in my hand,

could've spilt it
all over my shirt.

You need to watch
where you're going.

If you were watching
where you were going

we don't have a problem.

You were pushin' on me.
You were pushin' on me.

I had a drink in my hand,

could've spilt it
all over my shirt.

You need to watch
where you're going.

If you were watching
where you were going

we don't have a problem.

You were pushin' on me...

I wanna sit
all these guys down one day
and just go,

"No one's pushin' on you, okay?
This is a crowded place,

there's limited room
and people are trying to leave.

It's an accident.
No one's ever left

a crowded bar, "Excuse me.
Sorry. Excuse me.

"Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!...

"Did you see it?
Did you see it?

"I was pushin' on him!
I was pushin' on him!

He had a drink in his
hand..." No!

No one's ever done that in the
history of human interactions.

But then that guy
wants to fight me now. Really?

You got to fight me over this?
We're gonna fight now, really?

This is the big battle
you've been training for

with all the weights
and protein shakes?

This to beat up me? Me?
A guy who's built the same size

as a starting forward for a
JV girls basketball team?

Don't you have some Asian symbol
tattooed on your arm

you can look at that'll
calm you down for a few minutes?

"Respect Thyself
and Environment."

Sorry about that.
I forgot for a minute.

Again, you never see those guys
saying anything nice,

positive or intelligent.
You never see them in a bar

slamming a shot down.

All right!
Let's be really quiet

and respect
everyone else's space.

You never seen them
slam a shot down----

All right! Back to molecular
Biology lab, immunology--

Let's go fuckin'
find a cure for Lupus, bro!

You never seen them
slam a shot down----

All right!
Those girls are really hammered.

Let's make sure
they get home safe.

No. Ah, I feel bad making
broad generalizations

about men and women
like that, but...

I'm pretty confident.

To me it's one
of those things.

It's like saying,
black dudes are blown away
by magic tricks.

Stereotypes are fucked up,
but that's one's on point.

If anyone has footage of a
black dude seeing a magic trick

and not being blown away,
show it to me.

I'll never say that again.
But until I see that footage,

that's my favorite
racial stereotype ever.

That's the best one.
Nothing comes close.

Oh, what do you got?
Jewish people are really cheap.

No, no, no.
When a black dude sees
a magic trick,

his mind explodes.

Bu-bu-but Asian people open up
dry cleaning places a lot.

No, no, no, no.
When a black dude sees
a magic trick,

for a few moments
he thinks it's real,

like there's a sorcerer
on earth.

If you don't know
what I'm talking about

this is what happens,
all right?

They see the magic trick
and then this-- Boosh!--

They got to walk away a minimum
of 30 feet

'cause everything
they know about reality

has just been destroyed.

They have to reassess existence
from the ground up.

Well, what always happens?
They always turn around.

That's amazing!
That's amazing! That's amazing!

That's amazing!

That's a beautiful way
to treat things in life

that you don't understand.

You realize how much better
the world would be

if we all just treated
each other the same way...

black dudes treat magicians?

I'm serious.

What if homophobic people
saw gay people,

they'd be like,
"Blah, it's so gross!

"I don't understand
this lifestyle!

why'd he get married?"
"Oh, wait.

"This doesn't effect
my life at all
and any love and joy

"in the world
is a beautiful thing.

"It's amazing!
It's amazing!

It's amazing!
It's amazing!"

That'd be a better way
for them to conduct themselves.

It's a real phenomenon.

If you don't believe me,
this weekend

go out to some fancy nightclub.
Look around.

See if you find an
African-American bouncer

walk up he'd be like,
"Sorry, we're at capacity."

And he'd be like, "Oh, really?
What if I give you the money?"

He'd be like, "Oh,
we don't do that here."
And I'd be like,

"Oh, yeah? What about
this quarter behind your ear?"

He'd be like,
"Oh, shit, I didn't know
you were a wizard!

"Come on in! Come on in!
Come on in!

"Please don't turn me
into a bird!

"Please don't turn me
into a bird!

"Okay, I'm sorry.
You guys are cool.

"You guys are cool.
I just need to see an ID.

"What do you mean
check my back pocket?

"Whoa, that's amazing!
That's amazing!

That's amazing!"

I've been ragging on those kind
of jock-like-frat meathead guys,

but if you want me to be honest,

I really feel like
all guys of this generation

is kind of
a sad state of affairs.

Like, gentlemen are gone.
We just have 'dudes'.

I get so bummed out
when I talk to my friends

that are like single females
when you talk to them

about what they're looking for.
It's such a sad conversation.

They're just like, "You know,
just someone nice...

and clean."

That's pretty much
all they're looking for.

The bar is so low right now.

Like, if you're a nice dude
and you're clean,

like you brush, shower,
use deodorant every day,

you're in the top one percent.

You can pretty much
fuck anybody, I promise.

Just be nice and clean,
women will take notice.

Don't try to act cool.

Just be nice and clean,
women will notice.

They'll be like,
"What? What? What?

"You just held the door
open for me

"and you're wearing pants?

Come on, let's go.
Let's go!"

I haven't seen a dude
in 'not' cargo shorts
in three years.

Nice and clean.
"What? What? What?

"Did you just
lift that heavy box and help me
load it into my car?

"Can you lift your penis
and load it into my vagina

because...I thought
courtesy was dead."

Nice and clean.
"What? What? What?

"You just texted me and
it wasn't a photo of your dick?

Come on, let's go.
This guy just texted me words!"

Wow. There's no sadder sign
of the times than that, huh?

Men are out there texting
women photos of their penis.

All the time.

You want to see
something amazing?

Watch this.
Clap if you're a woman
in the audience.

Okay.

Now clap if a dude has sent you
a dick photo before.

Was there even
any difference in the applause?!

There was just like
two people who were like,

"Well, I don't have
a cell phone. So...

"I guess I haven't gotten one,
but many have been

emailed to me, yes,
but, uh"...

That is so crazy.

How did such a bizarre thing
become so commonplace?

That's unbelievable.
Thirty years ago,

if I went up to some woman
and I was like, "Hi.

"I, uh, recently
took some photos of my penis...

"and, uh, I just got 'em
developed and...

"some of the shots
look fantastic.

Could I maybe
get your mailing address,
send you a few copies?"

I'd get thrown in jail
the next day

and the headline would read,
"Polaroid Dick Bandit Busted!"

It's a strange thing.

And Miss, you sitting here
in the front,

you said a guy
sent you a dick photo.

Now tell us about this.

Now first off, this doesn't
reflect badly on her

some dude fucked her phone
without her permission.

Now who was this guy,

was this a guy
you were dating,

was it a guy you just met?
What was the situation?

You don't want to talk about it?

I mean, it's not a big deal.

All right, Miss, you sitting
here right next to her...

A guy sent you
a dick photo, right?
Tell us about this.

Now was this a guy
you were dating,

was it a guy you just met?
What was the situation?

Let's say...
the most recent time.

She's like, "Aziz,
you don't understand my life.

I have an archive."

Let's say the last time
it happened.

Was this a guy you were dating,
was it a guy you just met?

"Dating"? About how long
into the relationship

before it was like,

"I'm gonna so something
romantic today"?

A month in?

And when he sent the photo,
did he say anything

with the photo
or was it just the photo?

Just the photo.

That's what I thought.

Folks, this is another thing
I've learned in my research.

Approximately 88.9 percent
of all dick photos...

have no message.
Just the photo.

Such a strange display
of male arrogance.

It's like, "What am I gonna do?
It speaks for itself."

So stupid!

First off, everyone knows
what your dick looks like.

No one's surprised.
All dicks look the same.

They're just
dumb and boring looking.

No one's ever got
a dick photo and they're like,

"Wow! It's so beautiful!
I've never seen one like this!

"Everyone, come in here
look at this glorious penis

I just got sent!
Ah! It sparkles!"

No. They all look the same.
Yes, there's some variations

in size here and there,
but generally, everyone knows

what your dick looks like,
unless it's not circumcised.

In which case,
it's terrifying.

Keep it to yourself!"

So, next this guy
sends you a dick photo.
No message.

And, did you
write anything back,
or did you say like,

"I'm not gonna say anything"?
What was the situation?

'Cause that's
a tough situation, right?

Like if you don't
write anything back

it's hard for him to like
change the conversation.

You can't send a dick photo
and be like, "Uh...

You wanna go
to a five star restaurant
later maybe?"

That's a tough predicament.

The last question
I want to ask you.

The photo you got,

was the gentleman
erect in the photo?

Yeah, I guess so,
right?

You can't send one
where it's like--

Can you help me?!

Ughh!

That's not
a strong move at all.

I'm gonna do the rest
of the show like this.

No other comedian's
done a special from this
squatting position.

No, I'll stand back up.
I myself, I've never sent anyone

a dick photo,
but I wanted to do an experiment

to see what it would be like
to actually send someone

a dick photo
and see what kind of reaction
you would really get.

So I did an experiment.
I had a friend.

She didn't have
my cell phone number.

I got her cell phone number
from another friend

and I decided
to send her a dick photo.

So, I downloaded
a white dick

off the Internet.
I ran it through a bunch of

Instagram Hipstmatic-type
filters, made it looked like

a really hip dick...
and then I sent it to her.

And this is what happened.
So first off,

I just sent kind of like
a generic hello-type text

and I was like,
"Hey, uh,
good meeting you

the other night, Libby.
What're you up to?"

And then I sent her
the dick photo

and underneath I wrote,
"Boom!"

An hour goes by...

No response.

Now, I want to keep
the conversation going,

but I don't
want to seem too eager,
so I just send her

a text that just says,
"Question mark."

She writes back,
"Who is this?"

I said, "We made out at the club
a while back,

and you said I should give you
a buzz sometime.

Well-- Buzzzzzz."

Twenty minutes go by.
No response.

I write,
"I feel like you don't like me.

"Don't be mean.
By the way, did you get
my earlier text?"

Dick photo again-- Boom!

She writes back, "I don't
respond to people I don't know

sending me pictures
of their dick."

I said, "That's too bad.
I thought you were special."

Twenty minutes go by.
"I still do."

She writes, "Stop texting me!
Delete me off your phone!

Never contact me again!"
And I said, "That's cold.

"I'm gonna store you in my phone
as 'Liquid Nitrogen'

'cause that's how cold you are."
An hour goes by.

"If you were inside a barrel
and someone dipped

"a banana inside you
and they dropped the banana

"on the ground,
the banana would shatter...

'cause that's
how cold you are."

Another hour goes by.
"If you were inside a truck
and the truck flipped over

"and you spilled all over the
T-1000 from Terminator 2...

he would harden...
'cause that's how cold you are."

She writes, "I know what
liquid nitrogen does!

Stop texting me!"

And then I realized I only had
one last text to send her.

So, I sent her a photo
of a soft penis and I wrote,

"This is what
my heart feels like right now."

What is today?
Today is what, Wednesday? Yeah?

Anybody got any big plans
for the weekend?

Anybody going to the club
over the weekend?

Clubs are crazy places, man.

That's a crazy place to try
to meet someone--at a club.

People that go to clubs
know it's bad though, right?

No one goes to a club like,
"All right,

"it smells like vomit,
I can't hear anything,

"and the worst people
in the world are here.

Let's do this!"

No. They know it's bad.
But when you look in a club

people are having a great time.
They're having the best time.

You know why?

It's 'cause the music
they play in nightclubs

tricks people into thinking
they're having a good time.

There's this
new kind of song that's come out

that kind of brainwashes people
into thinking

they're having a great time.
Think about it.

What kind
of song is playing

any time you walk into
a club now?

It's always something like,

And, if it's not
one of those songs,

it's one of these songs
where the rapper or the singer

is engaging in these
very luxurious activities

and simply by virtue
of listening to the song,

you are now
somehow also partaking in these
activities with them.

Like I'd be
one of those songs like,

Dude's in the club,

"Oh, shit!
I'm on a jet right now?

"Where're we flying to?
I got work tomorrow!

"Who's paying for the jet?

"Don't put it on my tab!

"No, we can't split the jet!

I didn't even
have any of the jets!"

They should make a song
that's like a reality check

for all these people, you know?
Maybe a song that's like,

Philadelphia,
thank you so much!

Thank you!

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you so much!

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much!

Thank you!

Thank you so much.
Wow, wow, wow!

I-- I can't tell you
what a treat it is for me

to get to travel around
the country and perform in
lovely theaters like this.

It's my favorite thing
I get to do in my career

and, uh,
I thank you for that.

I have found no matter what I do
in my career though,

my dad is never impressed.
Like, uh, he'll call me up,

he's like, "What are you doing
this summer?" I'm like,

"I'm going to do this
big theater tour,

do a part in this movie."
He's like,

"What part are you doing
in the movie?

"Are you
starring in the movie?"

I'm like, "No, just one
of the smaller parts."

He's like, "Why aren't you
starring in the movie?"

I'm like, "You're a
Gastroenterologist.

"You put cameras
in peoples butts.

"Why don't you go star
in a movie?

I saw your last movie.
It was shit, literally."

This is true.

One time I sent him
this video clip.

I performed at this event
that President Obama spoke at

and I spoke and then
the President spoke.

When the President spoke,
he mentioned me in his speech.

He gave me a shout out.
He was like, "Aziz Ansari,

"I wanted to thank you
for what you said earlier.

"I also want to let him know,

Aziz, I got more Twitter
followers than you do, man."

And I was like, "Whoa,
the President just burned me.

That's pretty cool."

I send the clip to my dad.
He writes me back.

"Why don't you have more Twitter
followers than the President?"

I got to meet the President
at that show.

That's pretty crazy.
You never think

You're ever gonna get to meet
the President.
And I was so nervous.

You know, I was downstairs and
it was just me and "The Roots."

"The Roots" had performed
at this event as well.

And he's coming down--
Yeah, they're fantastic.

From Philadelphia, right?

And, uh, you know,
so he's coming down.

I'm very nervous, you know,
'cause there's like

Secret Service guys around--

"POTUS will be down
in two minutes.

"POTUS will be
down in two minutes.

POTUS down in two minutes."

And I'm expecting something
very brief, quick and formal.

You know, just like, "Thank you
for your time-- Photo.

Thank you for your time--
Photo.

Thank you
for your time--
Photo.

That's what I'm expecting.
All right?

This what happens instead.
I'm not exaggerating.

He comes down----
Oh, snap! It's "The Roots"!

What's goin' on? You guys
are like my house band.

You're at every event.
And I'm just there like,

"What? That's how he talks?"
And he's just running around

chopping it up
with all "The Roots" guys,

being very charming and cool.
And, uh, he goes up

to one of "The Roots"
who has like a flower lapel

in his jacket,
something kinda like this,

and he's like, "Uh,
what is this?
Are you a magician?

"You can pull a rabbit
out of there?

Look at this fool--
Ha, ha, ha!"

Which, by the way,
further backs up

my black dude
magician theories

cause...

I have not seen the rabbit
out of the flower trick.

So he says hi to them
and he finally--

he comes over to me
and, uh, we start talking.

He's very nice,
super charming...

Exactly how you'd hope
for him to be

and it's time for us
to take a photo.

And I'm there
with a friend of mine
and she has a purse.

And he's like,
"Let's get a good photo
of the three of us.

"Let's get a good photo.
Ah, put your purse down.

"Don't worry about your purse.
Your purse will be fine.

We got good security
back here. Ah-hah!"

And that's when I realized

this dude acts
the exact same way I would act

if I was the President.

Just running around,
talking shit, cracking jokes.

"What's up?!
How much did we raise tonight?

"$5 million? Fuck it.
Let's go to the club.

"Let's celebrate!

"Turn that
into a campaign event,
$20,000 a head.

I'm DJ-ing.
DJ POTUS, let's go!"

These are my favorite gigs
I get to do as a comedian.

A lot of times
when you're a comic

you get asked to do these
weird things

that make no sense like,
um, I got asked to go to this

charity event once.

It's this charity called
"Make It Right."

They rebuild homes in the lower
9th ward in New Orleans.

It's a very cool cause.

And they're like, "Aziz,
could you help us out?"

And I was like, "Sure.
What do you need?"

They're like,
"Could you host our
After Party?"

And I was like,
"What does that mean?"
They're like,

"Could you introduce Seal?"
And I was like, "The singer guy,

like, "I am just gonna
go up there and say some stuff

and then
Seal is gonna pop up?"

"Yeah."
And I was like,

"You know what?
I love New Orleans.

This sounds cool.
Let's do it."

So I'm there in New Orleans.
I'm backstage with Seal.

Seal has no idea who I am.
I'm not on Seal's radar, sonar--

nothing, and...

it's time for me to do his intro
and this is what I do.

I go onstage, I go,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
our next performer,

"he's actually running
a little bit late.

"So, uh, he wanted to know
maybe if I can sing

one of his hit songs for him
in order to kill some time.

So, I guess there's nothing
left to say but--

What's that, Seal's here?
Sorry, I can't hear you.

What's that?
Seal's ready to go?

Hm, I feel like at this point

maybe I should finish
my version.

And I did that shit
for way too long and...

Finally I bring Seal up.

Seal doesn't even
say anything to me.

He just puts his arm
around my shoulder and goes...

'Cause I get it, you know?

Seal doesn't know
I'm a comedian.

He just thinks
I'm some crazy brown guy

that's seizing the moment...

So I can impress Seal
and sign to Walrus Records

and start my R&B career
as The Brown Penguin.

But the event went well.

I did get to meet Seal.
Very nice, very smooth.

Everything he said
was so smooth.

You know, I was standing
in a elevator with this girl.

He looks over.
He goes, "My only regret

"is that
I do not have a photograph

to capture
this moment...forever.

And I was just like,
"Oh, my God.

"Seal, I wanna fuck you.
That was...beautiful.

No one ever speaks to me
like that."

And then I realized
Seal's lyrics are not lyrics.

That's how he talks
all the time.

Seal's at the optometrist.
The optometrist is like,

"Seal, what's wrong with
your eyes?" He's like,

"Seal, what the hell
are you talking about?

"The weather
should not be affecting

"your vision that way, Seal.
We need to run some tests.

"Sheila, get a bunch
of snow here.

Let's see if Seal's eyes
start getting wide."

You're at a dinner party
with Seal.

"Seal, how's the chicken?"

So...So the event went well.
I had a good time.

The next day
they had another event.

It was like a charity dinner,
charity auction.

So I went to that.
Had a lot of fun.

They had a lot of wine there.
I drank a lot of wine.

And then the next day
I woke up and I was like,

"Oh, Wh-what did I do
last night?"

We've all had those moments.
I had maybe one of the most

bizarre instances
of that happening though.

'Cause I woke up
the next morning I was like,

"Oh, what did I do last night?

I think I bid and won a
charity auction to be an extra

in the next Tyler Perry movie.
Yep, this is 100 percent true.

I paid an exorbitant amount
of money at a charity auction

so me and a friend of my choice
could be extras

in the next Tyler Perry movie.
So, next summer

when you go to see a
Madea Goes To Jail 3

and you see me and Seal
in the background just...

You'll know why.

Guys, thank you so much.
Philadelphia!

You guys were amazing!

Thank you very much
for coming out!

I really appreciate it!

Thank you so much!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you, the married couple!
Dick photo people!

Thank you very much!
Thank you!