Autoerotic (2011) - full transcript
Four separate stories of the auto-sexual proclivities of Chicagoans is presented. In the first story, a man, who is in a seemingly supportive relationship, is nonetheless self-conscious about what he considers the small size of his penis, regardless of his girlfriend telling him otherwise. His penis enlargement efforts lead to a change in attitude on many fronts. In the second story, a woman, who is in a supportive sexual relationship, has of late been turned on by everything, which leads to her feeling the need to masturbate whenever and wherever she can. After discussing the issue with a friend, she decides to take that sexual arousal to the next level by experimenting with auto-asphyxiation. In the third story, a pregnant woman, while still sexually aroused, can no longer come to orgasm through vaginal penetration. A female friend believes she can help her reach orgasm again, which the pregnant woman's husband allows. Although this experiment is solely to be between the two women, the husband can't help but want to be a part of the experience, even if the two women don't know. And in the final story, a man's primary sexual release is watching videos of him and an old girlfriend having sex. She, who is about to get married to someone else, reenters his life as she wants him to delete those videos. Wanting/needing a replacement for those videos, he asks her for one last "non-sexual"/non-video favor before she exits his life for good.
(light music)
(discordant music)
- OK, it's recording here.
Wave to the camera.
Oh, look at this one.
(grunts)
Actually, stand up.
- No.
- Yes, yes.
How you doing?
- Good.
(lips smacking)
- Yeah.
Lay down there.
OK.
You know how it is, all right,
I gotta be able to pull it up, here we go.
OK.
Oh, yes.
Stick it up for me, stick it up.
- [Woman] Ow!
- Is that too hard?
- [Woman] Yes.
- Better?
How 'bout this cheek?
Is that too hard?
(spanking)
("Candy Girl" by Soviet)
♫ There's something sweet here next to me
♫ A girl with lips sweeter than candy
♫ When we kiss it's a calorie
♫ Anything sweeter and it'd be misery
♫ Sweet misery
♫ She tastes like candy
♫ Whoa, whoa, whoa
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ She's my candy girl
♫ Under a sky that feels so large
♫ We collect like dust amongst the stars
♫ You're my star
♫ I'll take my spaceship
through these skies
♫ To get so close to your distant eyes
♫ I swallow my pride
♫ To be at her side
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ She's my candy girl
♫ There's something sweet here next to me
♫ A girl with lips more
cordial than brandy
♫ When we kiss it's a calorie
♫ Anything sweeter and it'd be misery ♫
(bed springs creaking)
(moaning)
- What're you doing?
- Nothing.
It's too small.
It's too small.
- What?
- My dick is too small, what
do you think I'm talkin' about?
- No, it's not.
Let me see what you got here.
- No, it's, babe, come on, I'm serious.
Like, the,
the movies I watch or seen,
the people you've been with,
I mean, look at this, I mean,
you know what it looks like,
I mean there's nothing here.
I mean, there's nothing here.
- I love your penis.
- I mean . . .
- Come back to bed, OK.
- I'll be back in a second.
(train horn blares)
- [Voiceover] What's up guys,
this is Paul from My Size Matters.
And, uh, here to tell
you all about my results
of the penis enlargement pills.
These are the top four of my research,
and here are the results.
The first two, the brown pills,
I do not recommend these.
They did nothing for me.
The pills on the far right
in the funny looking bottle,
I actually got side
effects from taking those
and I had headaches and nausea,
and I wouldn't recommend these to anyone.
The pills, uh, the white pills,
I, are the winner, of this review, based,
um, I was feeling results
immediately, almost,
within like two days,
if you can believe that,
and, uh, I'm taking them right now
and they're great.
Um, my penis is getting bigger every day,
uh, longer, curve, everything, um.
- Hey, babe, you got a package.
(train roaring)
It just doesn't make any sense for me
to pay rent on my place
when I'm here every night.
Plus, I buy all these
groceries and they go bad
cause I'm here with you, cooking with you.
It's just like a vessel
that's sitting there--
- OK, OK, OK, OK.
(yawns)
Oh, fuck yes.
Yes.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Yeah.
(sighs)
I don't know what else to say to you.
I don't even understand
why you're being this way.
- (sobbing) Cause I love you.
Is it cause I got fat?
- It's not because of
anything you really--
- Then tell me what I did.
- [Man] Did.
It's just not what I
want, I'm just, you know,
nothing you can say is really going to
change any of that.
- Then I'll go.
You don't care do you?
You don't care that I'm leaving, do you?
That's it?
You fucking asshole,
you're a fucking asshole.
(door shuts)
(water running)
(gulps)
(coughs)
(moody electronic music)
- Whoa, this place is so cool.
This is like, a grown up apartment,
this is not like a Wrigleyville
like a, okay that's enough, oh whoa.
- Is that enough?
- Yeah
- [Man] There you go.
- [Woman] Does it even
have a big screen TV?
- Upstairs.
- [Woman] Mmm.
How do you get to the top
of there, how do you get
- Here.
- [Woman] You have a lot of--
You have a lot of balls in your apartment.
- Yeah, come on, let's, uh--
- Is it an apartment
or is it like a whole?
- I mean, I guess, it's
technically an apartment
but I have two more
floors and I have one--
- Are there people up there?
Do you have roommates?
- [Man] No, no, no.
No roommates, no cats, no dogs.
- No guinea pigs?
- [Man] No, no nothing.
- You sure?
- Yeah, no nothing.
(both laughing)
Help me out.
- Whoa, hold up, hold up, hold up.
- Help me out.
- You take that one off.
Wait, wait, OK.
And, up, there it is.
Oh, you have a sunburn.
- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
For just a second.
I'll be right back, OK?
I'll be right back, OK?
I'll be right back.
(exhales)
(screams)
(screams)
- Get that fucking thing
away from me you freak!
What the fuck, how do you get
out of this fucking place?
Oh, fuck, oh you fucking freak!
Fucking freak!
- I know we both said some things
that we didn't necessarily mean,
and I just think if we talk about it
it'd be all right.
(sighs)
Babe, can't we just be mature and talk?
- By the way,
I've always hated your small dick.
- Ahh, it's just you and me now.
Oh, but fuck it, it's cool.
I've waited for you for so long.
Nobody else seems to like you,
oh, but I love you.
("Camouflage" by Small Black)
♫ Off night teens with lesser guides
♫ Enough of my old ways
♫ Off white scenes messed and lined
♫ Who are you
♫ And where am I ♫
- How's it going in there?
- Fine.
- Do you think you might be ready soon?
Baby?
- Sure.
What do you think?
- I think they're silly.
- No, they're so cool.
- (laughs) OK.
- Are you wearing underwear under here?
- Yeah, why?
- Why are you wearing underwear?
- Huh?
- No, you're just supposed
to wear the tights.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, will you change?
Hm.
Go stand in the doorway.
Turn around.
Take your bra off.
(sighs)
Lean against the door.
Play with your breasts.
I want you to play with yourself.
(both moaning)
- Hey.
Hey.
- [Man] Hmm?
- [Woman] Wake up.
Wake up.
(moody music)
(breathing heavily)
(knocking on door)
One second.
- [Voiceover] Oh, sorry.
- Yep.
(heavy moaning)
(foreboding piano music)
(moaning)
Thanks.
- So what were you saying about before?
- Oh.
I just, I've been masturbating constantly,
I can't, I get turned on all the time,
I don't know how to stop it.
- Well, what sets you off?
- Like, heat, like the
coffee cup turns me on.
And then like other types of drinks,
like beer bottles have
been really turning me on.
Like the shape of it, that shape,
if Coke were in the bottle
that would turn me on, too.
Or like, like riding my bike turns me on.
And like, really narrow
streets turn me on.
And then, the sidewalk when
it gets kind of sparkly
like at the end of the
street, like where it goes in
to the actual street, when
it gets sparkly there.
That does something to my
eyes and that turns me on.
People in uniform, look,
not so much police
officers, but like, mailmen,
that really turns, and like
UPS, and also the boxes,
the wrapped up boxes.
That's really, that's really sexy.
Cards, like playing cards.
Particularly the royals.
Like the jack, and the queen and the king.
- Hmm.
- I don't know.
- Well, that's OK.
Maybe you're just not fulfilled, you know?
Like, you know when you want chocolate,
and you don't eat chocolate
and you just keep eating things
and eating things, and when
you should just have chocolate?
- But what's the chocolate?
Can't figure it out.
- Maybe you need to be a gasper.
- What?
- A gasper?
When you strangle yourself.
- Oh, have you tried that?
- Kind of sublime.
Yeah, you, it's, it like
gives you this natural high.
Yeah, I've done it, once.
- [Woman 1] How does it work?
- It's pretty amazing.
You can take a belt,
or a plastic bag,
or some people use like, gas,
to take the oxygen out of the room.
Pretty much anything that
cuts off oxygen to your brain.
You may as well try it, I mean--
- Yeah, couldn't hurt.
(sirens wailing outside)
(ominous music)
- You could have hurt yourself.
- I know, I'm sorry.
(sighs)
Are you mad at me?
- I just wish you would have told me,
because I could have helped.
- You could?
- It's a lot safer with a partner.
- Do you want to try it?
- Do you want to use the
belt or just my hand?
- I don't know, the belt
didn't work so well last time.
- Why don't you unbutton your pants?
("Up Past the Nursery" by Suun)
♫ Cut and cut and crack it up
♫ Cr-crack, cr-crack, yes
♫ Oh I can cut you, catch you
♫ Catch you, catch you gettin' older.
♫ You can't get quick
♫ You can't commit
♫ You can't control her without
♫ Remember bodies sold
to Sunday, getting colder
♫ Oh, so civilized so you cannot take it
♫ Oh, you cannot take it
♫ Oh, you cannot make it
♫ A force has come is still alive
♫ Oh, open up and take it
♫ All the money, take it
♫ Oh, you cannot take it
♫ Night time, chin-chin
and worry 'bout the nation
♫ What you cannot take
♫ Yeah, no one cannot take you
♫ Rise slow, close the blinds
and wonder what you take, yeah
♫ Oh, you cannot take you
♫ oh, you cannot take you
♫ What you, what you can't
♫ It's just the world you've never seen
♫ Take your ship, just strangle it
♫ Your ship that's coming in ♫
(heavy breathing)
- I'm gonna come.
- OK.
- All right, are you done?
- No, no, you can come, baby.
(groaning)
(electric humming)
(sigh)
It's not working.
- You want me to leave you alone?
- No, no, no, it's not you,
it's just my vagina.
- Damn thing.
- It's just not working anymore.
Read.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Just my body's real different, you know?
On account, the book said, my
cervix is just like swollen,
and bigger, and it just
hurts if you go real far in.
- Yeah, I don't really
know what that means.
- (laughs) It just means that
it's bigger, I don't know.
- I don't care, I mean, is
there something I can do?
- I don't know.
- Is there something
that you want me to do
that you're not telling me?
- No, definitely if I knew
what I wanted you to do
I would tell you what to do.
- OK.
- I promise.
But it does stink.
But I still like having you inside of me,
I still like making you come.
I do.
That makes me feel good.
- That your good deed for the day?
- Yeah (laughs).
I promise I'll tell you
if there's something that you can do.
- All right.
- Love you.
- I love you, too.
(foreboding piano music)
- It's just that, it's just you feel
a little bit less turned on.
I bet it's just the hormones.
- No, I feel turned on.
You don't understand what I'm saying.
I feel turned on, I want to have sex.
I have sex, and I start to have an orgasm
and then it's like a weird, incomplete,
like, not fulfilling orgasm.
- Sounds like Hell (laughs).
- It's terrible.
And then I just get mad
and I feel bad for Frank
cause like,
he, I mean,
I feel bad for him.
Cause sex isn't as fun,
like he still comes, but
it's like, that's it,
it's basically like
masturbating inside of me.
I know, it sucks.
But I'm hoping, you know,
once the baby's born,
that won't happen anymore.
- Well, it better not (laughs).
- Oh, he's moving.
Mm, do you want to feel him?
- Yeah.
- Here, here, he's like right here.
Do you feel it?
- Mmpm.
- There he is.
- Hey little alien.
- I forget that this is the
outcome of having sex sometimes.
(both laugh)
- He likes all this orgasm talk.
- Is he, can I hear him?
- I don't know, maybe.
She thinks that she
could give me an orgasm.
- OK, I'm sure she does.
- But like, I was thinking about
just like, letting her do that,
or would that make you mad if she tried?
- I mean, wouldn't that
be weird for you, though?
- I mean, it would be a little weird
cause we're friends, but I think
she doesn't seem to think
it would be weird and--
- Safe.
- Yeah.
- Yeah we could do that.
- Yeah?
- [Frank] Yeah, no,
- It wouldn't make you mad?
- No, no, it's been done.
- Do you like that idea a little bit?
Do you?
- Kinda like it, it's kinda--
- Sexy?
- Mmmm, a little bit.
- A little bit?
- [Frank] A little bit.
I think it might be
interesting, no harm, right?
- No harm.
- Then and we actually
need to take that box,
that crib box, and bring it in
and take everything out of it
and make sure it's not
damaged or anything.
So that we can make sure that
we don't have to send it back.
- Before we put it together?
- Before we put it together.
- OK.
- Because I want it to be
together before the baby shower.
(knocking on door)
We'll be right back.
(sniffs)
(coughs)
(exhales)
I registered stuff.
It's really, I'm excited to pick out
like the things that are gonna be--
- I know, I know.
- It's pretty cool.
- You get to pick 'em out
and not all of the 400 people
who are picking the presents.
- I know, right, that's how
it used to be, you know?
Everyone would just like, get you,
and you just had to be
like, you had to be nice.
(talking over each other)
I wonder when registries
and stuff started.
Babe, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Franky, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Did you think that this
was gonna be like, all of us?
- Nope.
- We think this was just gonna be like,
just two of us alone.
I'm sorry, babe.
I'm sorry.
- [Frank] It's rad.
(laughing)
- So anyway, I'm excited to decorate.
- You got a light by any chance?
- Uh, yeah.
(laughing)
- We'd just keep to my
room to go like this.
Now I know what guys are
talking about when they're like,
I feel like guys come up
with a lot of weird metaphors
for what boobs feel like.
One guy told me once
that my boob felt like
a life jacket.
- That's amazing.
- And that it was really sexy, I was just.
I think, yeah, I think it was like
he touched a life jacket
when he was 10 and was like,
this is what boobs feel like,
and then, later on they didn't
really feel like that but.
(pulsing electronic music)
(pulsing electronic music)
(giggling)
I don't know if you can do that
with the other person's clothes.
What are you gonna do (mumbles) with them?
- Oh I don't know
(drowned out by laughing)
(laughter)
(electronic music)
(electric humming)
- Whoo.
- I think I have it all the way turned up,
let me turn it down,
this is a little much.
- You have to ease into that level.
- OK, OK.
This is fun, I'm having fun.
(laughing)
- Me, too.
OK, now I've got it.
That is so beautiful.
You're such a woman.
(laughing)
- Oh, that feels good.
(moaning)
Oh fuck, oh fuck,
oh fuck.
(heavy breathing)
(laughs)
- So you really can't
put a bra on like that?
- No.
- Why is that, cause your boobs cover it.
- Yeah, but if I try to
put a bra on like that,
it'll be like, there's just no
way that this can spin around
cause like, my boobs are too big.
You know what I mean?
- Not a problem that I've had (laughs),
but I do know what you mean.
(laughing)
- Hi, have you been out
here the whole time?
- Thank you.
- Thank you, see you.
- Good to see you, too.
I'll see you soon.
- You can come in now.
Whatchyou doin' in there?
- Measurin'.
(laughs)
- Did you feel left out today?
- Mmhmm.
- I'm sorry.
- It's OK.
- Thanks for letting me have
that experience, though.
Love you.
- I love you, too.
(roars)
- Oh (giggles).
Mmmm.
Mmm, ooh, that's a new thing you're doing.
- Yeah?
- What is that thing?
- It's new.
- Where'd you learn that from?
- Mm mmm.
- I like that.
- [Frank] Yeah?
More?
- More please.
- [Frank] More please.
- More please.
(moaning)
Oh, that feels good.
(moaning)
("Despicable Dogs" by Small Black)
♫ I know where they build em
♫ I know when they're selling low
♫ Wilder than the worst ones
♫ Wilder than the one I’d known
♫ Smoke machine begins to blow
♫ Lines of water on the floor
♫ Indifferent to the written wall
♫ Lost in the wood on another hunt
♫ If they rattle, then they rattle on ♫
(lips smacking)
(moaning)
(rapid breathing)
(dog barking)
- [Voiceover] Clifton, shut up!
Clifton!
(moaning)
- [Voiceover] Oh yeah.
- Oh yeah, oh that's the one.
Oh yeah.
(grunts)
Oh, you gonna come?
- Mmhm.
- Oh, you are?
- Yeah
(orgasmic grunting)
- I'm thirsty, I'm gonna
get something to drink.
(phone ringing)
- Oh, shit.
Hello?
- [Voiceover] Um, can
I speak with Richard?
- Yeah, this is him.
- Hi, this is Ann.
- [Richard] Do what now?
I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up.
- Ann.
- [Richard] Do what, what'd
you say, Rand, hello?
- Ann.
- [Richard] I'm sorry, what?
Seriously, I can't hear you.
- It's Ann!
- Oh, hey, how you doing?
- I'm good.
How are you doing?
- Pretty good, pretty good, not bad.
- Good.
Glad to hear.
Um, actually, I'm calling
because I'm wondering
if you might still have my box of stuff.
- Uh, oh yeah, yeah, I do,
I got that shit.
- OK, well good.
So would you mind if I
stop by and pick it up?
- Sure, like right now?
- Um, how 'bout tomorrow?
- Oh, right, yeah.
Yeah, that's cool.
- Maybe like three?
3:00?
- [Richard] Yeah, that's
perfect, um, should I,
e-mail you my address?
- Uh, yeah, actually, um,
I still have the same e-mail
address as I did before, so,
just e-mail it.
- OK, OK, cool.
- [Ann] OK, so, I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Awesome, I'll see you then.
- [Ann] OK, well, bye.
- All right, bye.
- And we got rid of all our stuff
and drove across the country,
and I didn't want to rent a U-Haul
and so we moved, we moved in in September,
and then we just kept all the furniture
which sounds disgusting but
I've gotten so used to it
that it doesn't bother me anymore.
- Yeah, well--
- Like we sprayed down the
leather and it felt like,
if it was cloth I couldn't do it.
- Sure, yeah, yeah, you can,
you can have sex on leather
and just wipe that right off.
But don't you find the Polish
glass to be a little gaudy?
- We've always talked about moving it
and it's just been one
of those things that
it just, it goes with the aesthetic.
So until we replace everything, we can't--
- Right, so it's like once
you switch out the vase--
- The whole thing gets ridiculous.
- Coffee table's ruined and
then you gotta go for the couch.
- Yeah, who were you talking to?
- I wasn't talking to anybody.
- You were on the phone.
- Nosy.
- Well, we could hear
you, you were shouting.
- It was nothing.
(phone ringing)
- Hey, you downstairs?
Yeah, just come on up.
All right.
Ah, shit.
(knocking on door)
Oh shit.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Oh my God!
- [Ann] How are you?
- [Richard] You look great.
- [Ann] Thanks, did I
come at a weird time?
- Uh, oh, no.
Well, I just got out
of the shower, but, um,
here, come in.
I didn't realize you were
gonna get here so early.
- Well, I'm actually a little bit late.
- Oh really?
Here, come on in here.
Yeah, I don't have any clocks in here.
- Oh, I see.
- This right here.
- Wow.
- You like it?
- This is where you live?
- Yeah, I spend a lot of time here.
- Oh, man.
- Here, take a seat.
- OK.
- I just got this.
- Yeah.
(Richard clears throat)
So is everything OK with you right now?
- Um, yeah, everything's great actually.
How 'bout with you?
- Yeah, things are great.
- That's cool.
- [Ann] Do you have that box?
Still you said?
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Can you just go get that box?
- You want me to go get it right now?
- [Ann] Mmhm.
- [Richard] OK.
I guess, I guess I can just
go ahead and get dressed
right now, should I get dressed?
- I think so.
- OK, well, I'll be right back, OK?
- OK.
- [Richard] All right.
(sighs)
(sighs)
Oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, look at that.
- Box of stuff.
- That's my old Christmas tree.
- That's right it is.
- Oh, I missed it.
- What's going on here?
- Oh, nothing.
I was actually just lookin' on there.
- [Richard] Yeah?
- Yeah.
I was lookin' on there.
Your computer.
- Yeah, that's what it's there for.
- Yeah, well I was looking
to see if I could find those files.
- Um?
- Those files, the, the, the
movie files from our past.
That we made.
That we starred in.
- Oh, you mean sexy videos?
- Those are the ones.
- Did you want to watch 'em or something?
- No, I didn't,
I was just gonna,
I mean, do you still have
those files on there?
- Oh yeah, of course.
- Of course, I mean,
I was thinking (laughs).
I don't know, do you
still need those movies?
- Well, I don't know, I mean, you know.
- Can we delete 'em?
- [Richard] Why?
- Those movies.
I was, just wondering, if we could
I just thought while I was here, you know,
getting this stuff we could
just take care of that stuff.
You know, just get rid of 'em.
Wipe 'em out.
- I don't understand, I mean.
- I'm getting married,
and you know, I just thought.
- Oh, right.
- Get rid of those, just the
right thing to do, you know?
- Yeah, um, uh, yeah.
(clears throat)
Oh yeah, you fucking bitch.
Oh yeah, you bitch.
(grunting)
(moans)
- Just get rid of 'em.
Move on.
(sighs)
Maybe if you got something
new from her, you know?
One new thing in exchange for
getting rid of all the old things.
Just an idea.
- Huh.
All right, so,
the other day, whenever
we deleted those files?
Umm, I wasn't totally
honest with you about
those being the only copies.
- OK.
- OK, but the thing
is, I will delete them.
I'll delete them today, right now.
But first I need you to do
something for me really quick.
- OK, I am not going to have sex with you.
- No, no, no, no, it's
not like that at all.
OK, this is just a little thing,
it'll take like five, maybe 10-15 minutes
and you'll be in and out of here.
- OK.
- It's not a big deal.
So I'm not exactly sure how this works,
but if I mix these three things together,
and then if you sit in
it for five minutes,
it should make a mold of your pussy.
If you do that, I'll delete the videos.
(bottles of goo squishing and squeaking)
Here, try it like a crab,
crab walk kind of thing.
- [Ann] OK, OK, this isn't easy.
I can't even tell if I'm over it.
- Yeah, you are, you're good.
Here, here, come forward.
OK, bring it down.
Bring it down.
- I don't know, this is,
this is really hurting my arms
and I can't do that for five minutes.
- OK, OK.
Hurry here, it's, I mean, it's,
I mean, you're gonna
have to do it right now
or it's not gonna work.
There ya go.
- [Ann] Oh, oh it's really cold.
- [Richard] OK, can I
kind of adjust a little?
- [Ann] OK.
- Yeah?
- Oh my God.
- [Richard] OK, OK.
- Oh, I hate you.
- [Richard] Don't move.
- I really do hate you.
- Don't move, don't move
- [Ann] OK, OK.
Oh, this stuff smells horrible.
- Sorry.
- Oh my God.
Oh, don't, don't look at me.
- Sorry.
- [Ann] Jesus.
You should probably
never contact me again.
- [Both] OK.
- Thank you.
Oh yeah.
(creepy electronic music)
Oh.
(mumbles)
- Think I'm gonna go.
My girlfriend's been acting really weird.
Oh hey, how'd that fake vagina thing go?
- Oh, it went great.
(orgasmic shouting)
("Marbeleyez" by Soviet)
♫ Is it any wonder how the world
♫ Spins its lonely days for me
♫ Like a record with its bruises
♫ Skips a beat of history
♫ In between the grooves is where I lie
♫ Wondering where this lover hides
♫ To the girl with the marble eyes
♫ Can it be that you've
taken me by surprise
♫ The wind and rain have carried your fame
♫ To my front door
♫ In spite of my hearts refrain
♫ Capulet and Montague
♫ Never even heard of me and you
♫ I'll keep this secret of how I adore
♫ This passion girl that
I was always looking for ♫
(discordant music)
- OK, it's recording here.
Wave to the camera.
Oh, look at this one.
(grunts)
Actually, stand up.
- No.
- Yes, yes.
How you doing?
- Good.
(lips smacking)
- Yeah.
Lay down there.
OK.
You know how it is, all right,
I gotta be able to pull it up, here we go.
OK.
Oh, yes.
Stick it up for me, stick it up.
- [Woman] Ow!
- Is that too hard?
- [Woman] Yes.
- Better?
How 'bout this cheek?
Is that too hard?
(spanking)
("Candy Girl" by Soviet)
♫ There's something sweet here next to me
♫ A girl with lips sweeter than candy
♫ When we kiss it's a calorie
♫ Anything sweeter and it'd be misery
♫ Sweet misery
♫ She tastes like candy
♫ Whoa, whoa, whoa
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ She's my candy girl
♫ Under a sky that feels so large
♫ We collect like dust amongst the stars
♫ You're my star
♫ I'll take my spaceship
through these skies
♫ To get so close to your distant eyes
♫ I swallow my pride
♫ To be at her side
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ Sha na na na na na
♫ She's my candy girl
♫ There's something sweet here next to me
♫ A girl with lips more
cordial than brandy
♫ When we kiss it's a calorie
♫ Anything sweeter and it'd be misery ♫
(bed springs creaking)
(moaning)
- What're you doing?
- Nothing.
It's too small.
It's too small.
- What?
- My dick is too small, what
do you think I'm talkin' about?
- No, it's not.
Let me see what you got here.
- No, it's, babe, come on, I'm serious.
Like, the,
the movies I watch or seen,
the people you've been with,
I mean, look at this, I mean,
you know what it looks like,
I mean there's nothing here.
I mean, there's nothing here.
- I love your penis.
- I mean . . .
- Come back to bed, OK.
- I'll be back in a second.
(train horn blares)
- [Voiceover] What's up guys,
this is Paul from My Size Matters.
And, uh, here to tell
you all about my results
of the penis enlargement pills.
These are the top four of my research,
and here are the results.
The first two, the brown pills,
I do not recommend these.
They did nothing for me.
The pills on the far right
in the funny looking bottle,
I actually got side
effects from taking those
and I had headaches and nausea,
and I wouldn't recommend these to anyone.
The pills, uh, the white pills,
I, are the winner, of this review, based,
um, I was feeling results
immediately, almost,
within like two days,
if you can believe that,
and, uh, I'm taking them right now
and they're great.
Um, my penis is getting bigger every day,
uh, longer, curve, everything, um.
- Hey, babe, you got a package.
(train roaring)
It just doesn't make any sense for me
to pay rent on my place
when I'm here every night.
Plus, I buy all these
groceries and they go bad
cause I'm here with you, cooking with you.
It's just like a vessel
that's sitting there--
- OK, OK, OK, OK.
(yawns)
Oh, fuck yes.
Yes.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Yeah.
(sighs)
I don't know what else to say to you.
I don't even understand
why you're being this way.
- (sobbing) Cause I love you.
Is it cause I got fat?
- It's not because of
anything you really--
- Then tell me what I did.
- [Man] Did.
It's just not what I
want, I'm just, you know,
nothing you can say is really going to
change any of that.
- Then I'll go.
You don't care do you?
You don't care that I'm leaving, do you?
That's it?
You fucking asshole,
you're a fucking asshole.
(door shuts)
(water running)
(gulps)
(coughs)
(moody electronic music)
- Whoa, this place is so cool.
This is like, a grown up apartment,
this is not like a Wrigleyville
like a, okay that's enough, oh whoa.
- Is that enough?
- Yeah
- [Man] There you go.
- [Woman] Does it even
have a big screen TV?
- Upstairs.
- [Woman] Mmm.
How do you get to the top
of there, how do you get
- Here.
- [Woman] You have a lot of--
You have a lot of balls in your apartment.
- Yeah, come on, let's, uh--
- Is it an apartment
or is it like a whole?
- I mean, I guess, it's
technically an apartment
but I have two more
floors and I have one--
- Are there people up there?
Do you have roommates?
- [Man] No, no, no.
No roommates, no cats, no dogs.
- No guinea pigs?
- [Man] No, no nothing.
- You sure?
- Yeah, no nothing.
(both laughing)
Help me out.
- Whoa, hold up, hold up, hold up.
- Help me out.
- You take that one off.
Wait, wait, OK.
And, up, there it is.
Oh, you have a sunburn.
- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
For just a second.
I'll be right back, OK?
I'll be right back, OK?
I'll be right back.
(exhales)
(screams)
(screams)
- Get that fucking thing
away from me you freak!
What the fuck, how do you get
out of this fucking place?
Oh, fuck, oh you fucking freak!
Fucking freak!
- I know we both said some things
that we didn't necessarily mean,
and I just think if we talk about it
it'd be all right.
(sighs)
Babe, can't we just be mature and talk?
- By the way,
I've always hated your small dick.
- Ahh, it's just you and me now.
Oh, but fuck it, it's cool.
I've waited for you for so long.
Nobody else seems to like you,
oh, but I love you.
("Camouflage" by Small Black)
♫ Off night teens with lesser guides
♫ Enough of my old ways
♫ Off white scenes messed and lined
♫ Who are you
♫ And where am I ♫
- How's it going in there?
- Fine.
- Do you think you might be ready soon?
Baby?
- Sure.
What do you think?
- I think they're silly.
- No, they're so cool.
- (laughs) OK.
- Are you wearing underwear under here?
- Yeah, why?
- Why are you wearing underwear?
- Huh?
- No, you're just supposed
to wear the tights.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, will you change?
Hm.
Go stand in the doorway.
Turn around.
Take your bra off.
(sighs)
Lean against the door.
Play with your breasts.
I want you to play with yourself.
(both moaning)
- Hey.
Hey.
- [Man] Hmm?
- [Woman] Wake up.
Wake up.
(moody music)
(breathing heavily)
(knocking on door)
One second.
- [Voiceover] Oh, sorry.
- Yep.
(heavy moaning)
(foreboding piano music)
(moaning)
Thanks.
- So what were you saying about before?
- Oh.
I just, I've been masturbating constantly,
I can't, I get turned on all the time,
I don't know how to stop it.
- Well, what sets you off?
- Like, heat, like the
coffee cup turns me on.
And then like other types of drinks,
like beer bottles have
been really turning me on.
Like the shape of it, that shape,
if Coke were in the bottle
that would turn me on, too.
Or like, like riding my bike turns me on.
And like, really narrow
streets turn me on.
And then, the sidewalk when
it gets kind of sparkly
like at the end of the
street, like where it goes in
to the actual street, when
it gets sparkly there.
That does something to my
eyes and that turns me on.
People in uniform, look,
not so much police
officers, but like, mailmen,
that really turns, and like
UPS, and also the boxes,
the wrapped up boxes.
That's really, that's really sexy.
Cards, like playing cards.
Particularly the royals.
Like the jack, and the queen and the king.
- Hmm.
- I don't know.
- Well, that's OK.
Maybe you're just not fulfilled, you know?
Like, you know when you want chocolate,
and you don't eat chocolate
and you just keep eating things
and eating things, and when
you should just have chocolate?
- But what's the chocolate?
Can't figure it out.
- Maybe you need to be a gasper.
- What?
- A gasper?
When you strangle yourself.
- Oh, have you tried that?
- Kind of sublime.
Yeah, you, it's, it like
gives you this natural high.
Yeah, I've done it, once.
- [Woman 1] How does it work?
- It's pretty amazing.
You can take a belt,
or a plastic bag,
or some people use like, gas,
to take the oxygen out of the room.
Pretty much anything that
cuts off oxygen to your brain.
You may as well try it, I mean--
- Yeah, couldn't hurt.
(sirens wailing outside)
(ominous music)
- You could have hurt yourself.
- I know, I'm sorry.
(sighs)
Are you mad at me?
- I just wish you would have told me,
because I could have helped.
- You could?
- It's a lot safer with a partner.
- Do you want to try it?
- Do you want to use the
belt or just my hand?
- I don't know, the belt
didn't work so well last time.
- Why don't you unbutton your pants?
("Up Past the Nursery" by Suun)
♫ Cut and cut and crack it up
♫ Cr-crack, cr-crack, yes
♫ Oh I can cut you, catch you
♫ Catch you, catch you gettin' older.
♫ You can't get quick
♫ You can't commit
♫ You can't control her without
♫ Remember bodies sold
to Sunday, getting colder
♫ Oh, so civilized so you cannot take it
♫ Oh, you cannot take it
♫ Oh, you cannot make it
♫ A force has come is still alive
♫ Oh, open up and take it
♫ All the money, take it
♫ Oh, you cannot take it
♫ Night time, chin-chin
and worry 'bout the nation
♫ What you cannot take
♫ Yeah, no one cannot take you
♫ Rise slow, close the blinds
and wonder what you take, yeah
♫ Oh, you cannot take you
♫ oh, you cannot take you
♫ What you, what you can't
♫ It's just the world you've never seen
♫ Take your ship, just strangle it
♫ Your ship that's coming in ♫
(heavy breathing)
- I'm gonna come.
- OK.
- All right, are you done?
- No, no, you can come, baby.
(groaning)
(electric humming)
(sigh)
It's not working.
- You want me to leave you alone?
- No, no, no, it's not you,
it's just my vagina.
- Damn thing.
- It's just not working anymore.
Read.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Just my body's real different, you know?
On account, the book said, my
cervix is just like swollen,
and bigger, and it just
hurts if you go real far in.
- Yeah, I don't really
know what that means.
- (laughs) It just means that
it's bigger, I don't know.
- I don't care, I mean, is
there something I can do?
- I don't know.
- Is there something
that you want me to do
that you're not telling me?
- No, definitely if I knew
what I wanted you to do
I would tell you what to do.
- OK.
- I promise.
But it does stink.
But I still like having you inside of me,
I still like making you come.
I do.
That makes me feel good.
- That your good deed for the day?
- Yeah (laughs).
I promise I'll tell you
if there's something that you can do.
- All right.
- Love you.
- I love you, too.
(foreboding piano music)
- It's just that, it's just you feel
a little bit less turned on.
I bet it's just the hormones.
- No, I feel turned on.
You don't understand what I'm saying.
I feel turned on, I want to have sex.
I have sex, and I start to have an orgasm
and then it's like a weird, incomplete,
like, not fulfilling orgasm.
- Sounds like Hell (laughs).
- It's terrible.
And then I just get mad
and I feel bad for Frank
cause like,
he, I mean,
I feel bad for him.
Cause sex isn't as fun,
like he still comes, but
it's like, that's it,
it's basically like
masturbating inside of me.
I know, it sucks.
But I'm hoping, you know,
once the baby's born,
that won't happen anymore.
- Well, it better not (laughs).
- Oh, he's moving.
Mm, do you want to feel him?
- Yeah.
- Here, here, he's like right here.
Do you feel it?
- Mmpm.
- There he is.
- Hey little alien.
- I forget that this is the
outcome of having sex sometimes.
(both laugh)
- He likes all this orgasm talk.
- Is he, can I hear him?
- I don't know, maybe.
She thinks that she
could give me an orgasm.
- OK, I'm sure she does.
- But like, I was thinking about
just like, letting her do that,
or would that make you mad if she tried?
- I mean, wouldn't that
be weird for you, though?
- I mean, it would be a little weird
cause we're friends, but I think
she doesn't seem to think
it would be weird and--
- Safe.
- Yeah.
- Yeah we could do that.
- Yeah?
- [Frank] Yeah, no,
- It wouldn't make you mad?
- No, no, it's been done.
- Do you like that idea a little bit?
Do you?
- Kinda like it, it's kinda--
- Sexy?
- Mmmm, a little bit.
- A little bit?
- [Frank] A little bit.
I think it might be
interesting, no harm, right?
- No harm.
- Then and we actually
need to take that box,
that crib box, and bring it in
and take everything out of it
and make sure it's not
damaged or anything.
So that we can make sure that
we don't have to send it back.
- Before we put it together?
- Before we put it together.
- OK.
- Because I want it to be
together before the baby shower.
(knocking on door)
We'll be right back.
(sniffs)
(coughs)
(exhales)
I registered stuff.
It's really, I'm excited to pick out
like the things that are gonna be--
- I know, I know.
- It's pretty cool.
- You get to pick 'em out
and not all of the 400 people
who are picking the presents.
- I know, right, that's how
it used to be, you know?
Everyone would just like, get you,
and you just had to be
like, you had to be nice.
(talking over each other)
I wonder when registries
and stuff started.
Babe, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Franky, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Did you think that this
was gonna be like, all of us?
- Nope.
- We think this was just gonna be like,
just two of us alone.
I'm sorry, babe.
I'm sorry.
- [Frank] It's rad.
(laughing)
- So anyway, I'm excited to decorate.
- You got a light by any chance?
- Uh, yeah.
(laughing)
- We'd just keep to my
room to go like this.
Now I know what guys are
talking about when they're like,
I feel like guys come up
with a lot of weird metaphors
for what boobs feel like.
One guy told me once
that my boob felt like
a life jacket.
- That's amazing.
- And that it was really sexy, I was just.
I think, yeah, I think it was like
he touched a life jacket
when he was 10 and was like,
this is what boobs feel like,
and then, later on they didn't
really feel like that but.
(pulsing electronic music)
(pulsing electronic music)
(giggling)
I don't know if you can do that
with the other person's clothes.
What are you gonna do (mumbles) with them?
- Oh I don't know
(drowned out by laughing)
(laughter)
(electronic music)
(electric humming)
- Whoo.
- I think I have it all the way turned up,
let me turn it down,
this is a little much.
- You have to ease into that level.
- OK, OK.
This is fun, I'm having fun.
(laughing)
- Me, too.
OK, now I've got it.
That is so beautiful.
You're such a woman.
(laughing)
- Oh, that feels good.
(moaning)
Oh fuck, oh fuck,
oh fuck.
(heavy breathing)
(laughs)
- So you really can't
put a bra on like that?
- No.
- Why is that, cause your boobs cover it.
- Yeah, but if I try to
put a bra on like that,
it'll be like, there's just no
way that this can spin around
cause like, my boobs are too big.
You know what I mean?
- Not a problem that I've had (laughs),
but I do know what you mean.
(laughing)
- Hi, have you been out
here the whole time?
- Thank you.
- Thank you, see you.
- Good to see you, too.
I'll see you soon.
- You can come in now.
Whatchyou doin' in there?
- Measurin'.
(laughs)
- Did you feel left out today?
- Mmhmm.
- I'm sorry.
- It's OK.
- Thanks for letting me have
that experience, though.
Love you.
- I love you, too.
(roars)
- Oh (giggles).
Mmmm.
Mmm, ooh, that's a new thing you're doing.
- Yeah?
- What is that thing?
- It's new.
- Where'd you learn that from?
- Mm mmm.
- I like that.
- [Frank] Yeah?
More?
- More please.
- [Frank] More please.
- More please.
(moaning)
Oh, that feels good.
(moaning)
("Despicable Dogs" by Small Black)
♫ I know where they build em
♫ I know when they're selling low
♫ Wilder than the worst ones
♫ Wilder than the one I’d known
♫ Smoke machine begins to blow
♫ Lines of water on the floor
♫ Indifferent to the written wall
♫ Lost in the wood on another hunt
♫ If they rattle, then they rattle on ♫
(lips smacking)
(moaning)
(rapid breathing)
(dog barking)
- [Voiceover] Clifton, shut up!
Clifton!
(moaning)
- [Voiceover] Oh yeah.
- Oh yeah, oh that's the one.
Oh yeah.
(grunts)
Oh, you gonna come?
- Mmhm.
- Oh, you are?
- Yeah
(orgasmic grunting)
- I'm thirsty, I'm gonna
get something to drink.
(phone ringing)
- Oh, shit.
Hello?
- [Voiceover] Um, can
I speak with Richard?
- Yeah, this is him.
- Hi, this is Ann.
- [Richard] Do what now?
I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up.
- Ann.
- [Richard] Do what, what'd
you say, Rand, hello?
- Ann.
- [Richard] I'm sorry, what?
Seriously, I can't hear you.
- It's Ann!
- Oh, hey, how you doing?
- I'm good.
How are you doing?
- Pretty good, pretty good, not bad.
- Good.
Glad to hear.
Um, actually, I'm calling
because I'm wondering
if you might still have my box of stuff.
- Uh, oh yeah, yeah, I do,
I got that shit.
- OK, well good.
So would you mind if I
stop by and pick it up?
- Sure, like right now?
- Um, how 'bout tomorrow?
- Oh, right, yeah.
Yeah, that's cool.
- Maybe like three?
3:00?
- [Richard] Yeah, that's
perfect, um, should I,
e-mail you my address?
- Uh, yeah, actually, um,
I still have the same e-mail
address as I did before, so,
just e-mail it.
- OK, OK, cool.
- [Ann] OK, so, I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Awesome, I'll see you then.
- [Ann] OK, well, bye.
- All right, bye.
- And we got rid of all our stuff
and drove across the country,
and I didn't want to rent a U-Haul
and so we moved, we moved in in September,
and then we just kept all the furniture
which sounds disgusting but
I've gotten so used to it
that it doesn't bother me anymore.
- Yeah, well--
- Like we sprayed down the
leather and it felt like,
if it was cloth I couldn't do it.
- Sure, yeah, yeah, you can,
you can have sex on leather
and just wipe that right off.
But don't you find the Polish
glass to be a little gaudy?
- We've always talked about moving it
and it's just been one
of those things that
it just, it goes with the aesthetic.
So until we replace everything, we can't--
- Right, so it's like once
you switch out the vase--
- The whole thing gets ridiculous.
- Coffee table's ruined and
then you gotta go for the couch.
- Yeah, who were you talking to?
- I wasn't talking to anybody.
- You were on the phone.
- Nosy.
- Well, we could hear
you, you were shouting.
- It was nothing.
(phone ringing)
- Hey, you downstairs?
Yeah, just come on up.
All right.
Ah, shit.
(knocking on door)
Oh shit.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Oh my God!
- [Ann] How are you?
- [Richard] You look great.
- [Ann] Thanks, did I
come at a weird time?
- Uh, oh, no.
Well, I just got out
of the shower, but, um,
here, come in.
I didn't realize you were
gonna get here so early.
- Well, I'm actually a little bit late.
- Oh really?
Here, come on in here.
Yeah, I don't have any clocks in here.
- Oh, I see.
- This right here.
- Wow.
- You like it?
- This is where you live?
- Yeah, I spend a lot of time here.
- Oh, man.
- Here, take a seat.
- OK.
- I just got this.
- Yeah.
(Richard clears throat)
So is everything OK with you right now?
- Um, yeah, everything's great actually.
How 'bout with you?
- Yeah, things are great.
- That's cool.
- [Ann] Do you have that box?
Still you said?
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Can you just go get that box?
- You want me to go get it right now?
- [Ann] Mmhm.
- [Richard] OK.
I guess, I guess I can just
go ahead and get dressed
right now, should I get dressed?
- I think so.
- OK, well, I'll be right back, OK?
- OK.
- [Richard] All right.
(sighs)
(sighs)
Oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, look at that.
- Box of stuff.
- That's my old Christmas tree.
- That's right it is.
- Oh, I missed it.
- What's going on here?
- Oh, nothing.
I was actually just lookin' on there.
- [Richard] Yeah?
- Yeah.
I was lookin' on there.
Your computer.
- Yeah, that's what it's there for.
- Yeah, well I was looking
to see if I could find those files.
- Um?
- Those files, the, the, the
movie files from our past.
That we made.
That we starred in.
- Oh, you mean sexy videos?
- Those are the ones.
- Did you want to watch 'em or something?
- No, I didn't,
I was just gonna,
I mean, do you still have
those files on there?
- Oh yeah, of course.
- Of course, I mean,
I was thinking (laughs).
I don't know, do you
still need those movies?
- Well, I don't know, I mean, you know.
- Can we delete 'em?
- [Richard] Why?
- Those movies.
I was, just wondering, if we could
I just thought while I was here, you know,
getting this stuff we could
just take care of that stuff.
You know, just get rid of 'em.
Wipe 'em out.
- I don't understand, I mean.
- I'm getting married,
and you know, I just thought.
- Oh, right.
- Get rid of those, just the
right thing to do, you know?
- Yeah, um, uh, yeah.
(clears throat)
Oh yeah, you fucking bitch.
Oh yeah, you bitch.
(grunting)
(moans)
- Just get rid of 'em.
Move on.
(sighs)
Maybe if you got something
new from her, you know?
One new thing in exchange for
getting rid of all the old things.
Just an idea.
- Huh.
All right, so,
the other day, whenever
we deleted those files?
Umm, I wasn't totally
honest with you about
those being the only copies.
- OK.
- OK, but the thing
is, I will delete them.
I'll delete them today, right now.
But first I need you to do
something for me really quick.
- OK, I am not going to have sex with you.
- No, no, no, no, it's
not like that at all.
OK, this is just a little thing,
it'll take like five, maybe 10-15 minutes
and you'll be in and out of here.
- OK.
- It's not a big deal.
So I'm not exactly sure how this works,
but if I mix these three things together,
and then if you sit in
it for five minutes,
it should make a mold of your pussy.
If you do that, I'll delete the videos.
(bottles of goo squishing and squeaking)
Here, try it like a crab,
crab walk kind of thing.
- [Ann] OK, OK, this isn't easy.
I can't even tell if I'm over it.
- Yeah, you are, you're good.
Here, here, come forward.
OK, bring it down.
Bring it down.
- I don't know, this is,
this is really hurting my arms
and I can't do that for five minutes.
- OK, OK.
Hurry here, it's, I mean, it's,
I mean, you're gonna
have to do it right now
or it's not gonna work.
There ya go.
- [Ann] Oh, oh it's really cold.
- [Richard] OK, can I
kind of adjust a little?
- [Ann] OK.
- Yeah?
- Oh my God.
- [Richard] OK, OK.
- Oh, I hate you.
- [Richard] Don't move.
- I really do hate you.
- Don't move, don't move
- [Ann] OK, OK.
Oh, this stuff smells horrible.
- Sorry.
- Oh my God.
Oh, don't, don't look at me.
- Sorry.
- [Ann] Jesus.
You should probably
never contact me again.
- [Both] OK.
- Thank you.
Oh yeah.
(creepy electronic music)
Oh.
(mumbles)
- Think I'm gonna go.
My girlfriend's been acting really weird.
Oh hey, how'd that fake vagina thing go?
- Oh, it went great.
(orgasmic shouting)
("Marbeleyez" by Soviet)
♫ Is it any wonder how the world
♫ Spins its lonely days for me
♫ Like a record with its bruises
♫ Skips a beat of history
♫ In between the grooves is where I lie
♫ Wondering where this lover hides
♫ To the girl with the marble eyes
♫ Can it be that you've
taken me by surprise
♫ The wind and rain have carried your fame
♫ To my front door
♫ In spite of my hearts refrain
♫ Capulet and Montague
♫ Never even heard of me and you
♫ I'll keep this secret of how I adore
♫ This passion girl that
I was always looking for ♫