Auntie Mame (1958) - full transcript

Mame is an unconventional individualist socialite from the roaring 20's. When her brother dies, she is forced to raise her nephew Patrick. However, Patrick's father has designated an executor to his will to protect the boy from absorbing too much of Mame's rather unconventional perspective. Patrick and Mame become devoted to each other in spite of this restriction, and together journey through Patrick's childhood and the great depression, amidst some rather zaney adventures.

I, Edwin Dennis,

being of sound mind and body,

do hereby bequeath

to my only son, Patrick,

all my worldly possessions.

In the event of my demise,

I direct my faithful servant,

Norah Muldoon,

to deliver Patrick

to my sister and next of kin,

Mame Dennis, at 3 Beekman Place,

New York City.

The expenses of his upbringing

shall be supervised

by Mr. Dwight Babcock,

acting for the Knickerbocker

bank as trustee,

with the full power to keep

that crazy sister of mine

from doing anything

too damned eccentric

and bringing him up

to be anything like her.

Since I keep myself

in splendid physical condition

through workouts daily

at the Chicago brokers club,

I am confident

that these provisions

will not go into force or effect

for many years.

I hereby affix my hand

this 14th day of September,

in the year 1928.

You've been reading this

for a week, Norah.

Why did you bring it

to New York?

It's the only way I can

make meself believe it.

Besides, I thought

your Auntie Mame

would like it

as a remembrance

of your poor

sainted father.

Don't you be going

by way

of the north pole,

driver!

We're not greenhorns,

you know.

That's 95 cents.

Here's a dollar.

Keep the change.

Like the ladies'

rest room

in the oriental

theater.

Oh, child!

You're not scared,

are you, Norah?

Of course not.

And don't you be,

child.

Norah's here

to look after you.

Saints alive!

You want?

Is this...Could this be

the residence

of Miss Mame Dennis?

Mame Dennis?

Oh, yes.

I'm Norah Muldoon,

and I'm bringing

young Mr. Dennis to his aunt.

Oh, you come in.

You wait. I fetch.

Madam having

affair now.

Oh!

Isn't he wonderful?

Help is on the way,

darlings!

Henri! Ca va?

Mame!

Mame!

That adorable

little bootlegger

is on his way over here

with another gallon of gin.

Oh, Allen, darling,

I'm so glad--

Edna, I called you

yesterday.

Hello, Mame.

I'll be with you

in a minute.

Vladimir! What on earth

are you doing here?

Drinking myself

to death, of course.

Besides, I am

your guest of honor.

Of course. It couldn't

happen to a nicer fellow.

You must hear his new symphony,

The Pastoral.

It has real airplane motors

and live sheep on the stage.

It's devastating,

simply devastating.

You've met our guest of honor,

Vladimir Klinkoff, Mrs. uh...

Mrs. Klinkoff.

Yes, of course.

Then you've met.

Oh, Perry! Doris!

Now, where are you

off to?

Everyone's

going to Clifton's.

It's nearly 7:00.

I'll be there in a minute!

Tell them to wait for me.

Oh, dear.

The employment bureau

didn't tell me

you were bringing a child.

No matter. He looks like

a nice little boy.

If he misbehaves, we can always

toss him in the river.

I'll give you my

life savings, mum,

if you let us escape

from this den

of criminals.

Dr. Feuchtwanger,

just in time.

You better get this woman

on your couch.

I'm not that kind

of woman, mum.

I'm looking for

a Miss Mame Dennis.

Ito, Ito!

Yes, missy?

Oh, Ito, show this woman

to the kitchen

and get her started

on the glasses.

Oh, Missy Dennis,

this not dishwashing lady.

Oh, then I must have

invited you.

Won't you have a drink?

I'm Norah Muldoon.

Didn't you get my

telegram from Chicago

saying we'd arrive

at 6:00 today?

No, that's not possible.

Your telegram said October 1st.

That's tomorrow.

This is September 31st.

No. 'Tis the 1st.

Curse the evil day.

Everybody knows

30 days hath September,

April, June, and--"

oh!

But, darling!

I'm your Auntie Mame!

Oh, quiet!

Quiet, everybody!

I have an important

announcement to make!

This is my little boy!

Oh, no, no, he's not really

my little boy.

He's my late brother's son

from Chicago,

my only living relative.

That's all we have,

just each other.

My little love!

Well, what's--what am I

going to call you, dear?

Pat.

Patrick Dennis.

Oh, I know

the Dennis part, darling.

From now on,

you must call me Auntie Mame!

Well, well, well, well, now,

would you like a mar--

no. Is it your bedtime,

dear? No, it can't be.

No, the powder room.

You'd like to use

the powder room.

No, no, food! That's it!

You must be famished.

You come right along

with me.

Oh, take your shoes

off, darling.

It's like removing

your hat in America.

Before the sukiyaki,

a little hors d'oeuvre.

Could I try some

of that jam?

Jam?

That BlackBerry jam.

Of course, darling.

Actually, it's sort of

a fishberry jam.

It's called caviar.

Some pickled octopus,

raw fish tails...

It's salty, kinda,

but I like it.

Good, darling.

You have wonderful taste.

Ha ha ha ha!

Vera! Oh.

Vera,

this is my little boy.

Patrick, I want you

to meet a star,

one of the great ladies

of the theater

and Auntie Mame's

dearest friend,

Vera Charles.

Hello.

How do you do?

She just loves

little boys.

Yeah.

Oh.

Who's he?

That's a Lithuanian

bishop, darling.

Doesn't speak

a word of English.

Stimulating man!

Oh, your grace.

He's such a darling

and so worldly

for a man of god.

And so everything

in the universe

is composed of

the elements of Aristotle.

Thus, man himself is fire,

dust, and air

mingled with water.

Acacius, darling,

this is my little

nephew, Patrick.

This is Mr. page,

dear.

Gnothi Seauton.

That means

"know thyself."

Mr. page is

a great educator.

He runs a school

down in the village

where they do all sorts

of advanced things.

Do you think you might

find room for Patrick?

- For him, yes!

- Ah!

In this boy, I see already

the fire, dust, and air.

Well, we'll just

add water and stir.

Do you think you might

want to go there, darling?

Do they wear uniforms

in your school?

In my school, young man,

we wear nothing.

It's heaven!

It'll stimulate his psyche

and stir up his libido.

What's libido,

Auntie Mame?

Libido is--I'll tell you

what we're going to do.

Every time you hear a word

you don't understand, dear,

take this pad and pencil

and write it down.

Later on, Auntie Mame

will explain it to you.

I'm off, Mame!

Lindsay! Lindsay,

this is Patrick.

Patrick, I want you

to meet Lindsay Woolsey,

the publisher--

nautilus books.

Hello.

Hello, young man.

Circulate, darling,

circulate.

Well, Mame,

new man in your life?

Little Patrick.

Guess I won't be

seeing much of you.

Ah, nonsense, Lindsay.

We'll be going to

the zoo, the aquarium,

the philharmonic.

We'll be together

constantly--

the three of us!

That's exactly what

I had in mind.

Good night,

Mame.

Good night.

Watch it, Phyllis.

Boy, it's been

some party!

Good night. It was

so good of you to come.

You played beautifully.

I can't thank you enough. Ah...

Dasvidaniya.

Good-bye, Mrs. uh...

Of course, of course.

There you are,

my little love.

Well, you come over here

with your Auntie Mame

and sit down for one minute,

and we'll really

get to know each other.

Well, now, read me all the words

you don't understand.

"Libido,

"inferiority

complex,

"Stinko, Blotto,

free love,

"bathtub gin,

"monkey glands,

Karl Marx--"

is he one of

the Marx brothers?

Oh, oh, no, dear.

She last pretty good

tonight, missy.

Marie Antoinette

room again?

Yes. Perhaps she'll wake up

without a head tomorrow.

Oh, and Ito, get that

dog of a dress off her.

Me tuck her in.

Hee hee hee!

Is the English lady

sick, Auntie Mame?

She's not English, darling.

She's from Pittsburgh.

She sounded English.

When you're from Pittsburgh,

you have to do something.

Now, where were we?

"Narcissisistic,

Lysistrata,

"Cubism, squiffed,

neurotic,

heterosexual--"

oh, my, my, my!

What an eager little mind!

You won't need some of these

words for months and months,

but your vocabulary

does needs working on.

Didn't your father

ever talk to you?

Hardly ever.

I only saw him

at breakfast time.

What did he say

then?

He usually said,

"pipe down, kid.

The old man's hung."

That's succinct.

What did you do

in Chicago for fun?

Well, Norah took me

to the movies

every Saturday

afternoon.

I played Parcheesi

with the doorman

once in a while

until he got fired.

Didn't they do anything

cultural for you in chic--

well, never mind.

Your Auntie Mame's going

to open doors for you, Patrick,

doors you never

even dreamed existed!

Oh, what times

we're going to have.

What on earth did I do

with that will?

Now,

it's here someplace.

Ah! Here we are!

Well, now, "get mahjong lesson,

hair done, fitting."

That can't be it.

Yes, it is it.

Oh, dear. This is

a legal-looking

document.

There's a lot of

folderol here about

the Knickerbocker bank

and some Mr. Babcock

who's been appointed

your trustee.

Oh, I see

what that means.

I have

the responsibility,

and your trustee

has the authority.

Norah took me to a movie once

about a trustee.

There was a big prison break,

and the trustee saved

the warden's little daughter.

This isn't

the kind of trustee

that lives in prison,

dear...

As a rule.

Mr. Babcock. We'll tackle

him in our own good time.

Now, Patrick, is Auntie Mame

anything like you expected?

No, ma'am. The only

picture I saw of you

was with a shawl

and a Rose in your teeth...

Like a Spanish lady.

It's in my suitcase

that's coming.

Didn't your father

tell you

anything about me

before he died?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh,

and what was it?

Oh, come now,

my little love.

You must always

be perfectly frank

with your

Auntie Mame. Now...

Well, my father said

since you're my

only living relative,

I might be living

with you someday

and...

Well?

But that to be left

in your hands

was a fate he wouldn't

wish on a dog.

That...

What's that,

Auntie Mame?

That is a "B,"

darling,

the first letter

of a 7-letter word

that means

your late father.

Come, child.

I'll show you your room.

It's a cozy little nook,

darling,

and my loom

is by the window.

Do you like

to weave, dear?

You can sit at it

by the hour.

I had instruction

from a descendant

of Pocahontas.

I began with

an enormous rug.

It's that bell pull

by the fireplace.

Your own little den.

Oh!

How stupid of me.

I gave up weaving

for sculpture.

That is, a sculptor

friend of Auntie Mame's

used this room

for about 6 months.

A divine man!

Such talented fingers!

Oh! What they did

to my bust.

That's the head,

you know.

I guess it's not

quite ready yet.

I know--the Marie Antoinette

room. No, no, Vera's there.

Camp out with me

for tonight, dear.

Oh, shall we try

this out for size?

There.

Ah! Perfect!

Well, shall we--

I'll do it.

Oh, sheets.

Where were the sheets?

What time will you be home

from that party?

What makes you think

I'm going to any party?

Just as I was gettin'

used to all them dragons.

What is it?

Don't ask me.

I didn't paint it.

I just hung it up. Can I

get in her bedroom now?

At 2:00? You'll be lucky

to get in there by 5:00.

She's still sleepin'.

Well, I'll get started

in the other bedroom.

Can't go in there

either.

Why not? She ain't sleepin'

in 2 bedrooms, is she?

Oh, no. It's the first lady

of the American theater

out cold

in the guest room.

Again? What does she do,

live here?

Miss Charles

don't live here.

She drinks here and does

her passin' out here.

It's a wonder the blood

hasn't turned to vinegar.

2 weeks, I've been here,

and they've had

13 cocktail parties.

Only 13 in 2 weeks?

They had to call one off.

The bootlegger

couldn't come that day.

Auntie Mame!

Auntie Mame!

Auntie Mame!

Hmm?

Wha--what is it?

What happened?

I've got something

to show you.

Look!

Ah! Bats!

Oh.

I built it myself.

See? It's got

a rubber band motor,

and I whittled the body

out of balsa wood.

Please, darling.

Your Auntie Mame

is hung.

Oh.

Oh, sure,

Auntie Mame.

Sure.

Oh, Patrick,

Patrick, come back.

You know I really

am interested

in all your projects.

Child, how can you see

with all that light?

Ah! That's better. Now be

an angel and run to Ito

and tell him to bring me

a very light breakfast--

black coffee

and a sidecar...

Oh, and a cold towel

for your Auntie Vera.

Is she in the

guest room again?

Since Sunday, dear.

Run along, darling.

Oh! First come and give your

Auntie Mame a good morning kiss.

Ooh, gently, darling,

gently.

Mmm!

That was lovely!

Oh, you know I really am

fascinated by aviation.

I never knew before

they did it all

with rubber bands.

Oh!

Uhh!

Hello?

Miss Dennis?

Yes, she's here.

Who's calling, please?

Hold the wire.

It's Mr. Babcock from

the Knickerbocker bank.

Oh, I've been

dodging him for days.

Well, hello,

Mr. Babcock.

How nice to hear

your voice at last.

I, too,

am looking forward

with anticipation

to meeting you.

Oh, the little lad

is fine, just fine.

He, too, cannot wait

to meet you.

Hurry my tray, darling.

Auntie needs fuel.

Oh, do drop over anytime,

Mr. Babcock.

In how many minutes?!

Well, yes, 57th street

is right in my neck

of the woods.

Spitting distance?

How vivid.

Yes, well,

come right along then.

You can join me

for breakf--tea.

Number 3 Beekman Place,

right away. Vera!

Vera!

Vera.

Vera, Vera.

I am about to

be attacked

by the Knickerbocker

bank.

Oh, that's lovely!

Vera!

Oh! Why did

that oriental sandman

let me sleep

in my best Chanel?

He tried to

get it off you,

but you bit him.

Patrick's trustee,

some hideous man from

the Knickerbocker bank,

is about to descend

upon me like a vulture

and Rob me of my child!

He's coming here...

In the middle of the night?

Oh!

That moon's bright!

Vera, will you stop

being silly?

Don't you realize

I have got to make

the right impression.

You have no idea

how conservative

the Knickerbocker

bank is.

They're so conservative,

they don't pay

any interest at all!

All right! Let's get organized.

What time is it...

And what day is it?

Oh! Blessed mother

of Maud Adams!

I was due at

the theatre guild an hour ago!

You cannot desert me

in my predicament.

Look at my face. What on

earth am I going to wear?

How can I face

the theatre guild?

Will this make me look

like a Scarsdale matron?

Have you ever been

to Scarsdale?

Good afternoon,

aunt Vera.

- Yes, dear.

- No, dear.

Do the Lillian Gish

routine--you know,

simple dress,

Madonna-like hairdo.

Madonna-like hairdo!

Oh, that's it!

That's it!

A switch! A switch!

You've got one?

Dozens!

Mame, don't you ever

throw anything away?

Who knows when I may go

back to one of these colors?

If you kept your hair

natural the way I do--

if I kept my hair natural

the way you do, I'd be bald.

Try this.

You need a dress

like the one I wore as--

hey! That's stunning!

Oh, isn't it? That's

my new Maggie Ruth.

I haven't had it on yet.

I'll be damned if

I'll put $500 on my back

for that awful man!

A suit--that'll do it.

Hold this, so I can braid it

so it likes a halo.

I've got to get

over to the guild!

He can't see you looking

the way you do.

He'll think I run a house

for wanton women!

Relax. If it makes you

feel any better,

I'll wear your mink.

Over my dead body.

This Maggie Ruth

is heaven!

You know,

green suits me.

I think

I'll phone up Maggie.

Oh, Vera, come

put this on my head.

Hurry! It doesn't matter

how it looks.

But I've got to

get out of here!

Don't you dare leave me.

You go back to bed.

You couldn't care less

about my career--

Not already! Norah!

Ito, answer the door!

I've got to get out

before he gets in!

I can't leave you

standing down there

like a Fuller brush man

in the doorway!

Why can't you

be my friend?

Well, I've been

a friend of yours--

darling,

go downstairs.

Make Mr. Babcock

feel at home,

like Auntie Mame

taught you.

What about

the theatre guild?

Vera, get out

of my way.

What am I gonna do with

this damn stinking halo?

You want?

I'm Mr. Babcock.

Miss Dennis

is expecting me.

Oh, you come in.

Thank you.

I take coat?

Thank you.

Thank you.

You sit.

Thank you.

Mr. Babcock?

That's right, Sonny.

We've been

expecting you.

My name is

Patrick Dennis.

Fine, fine.

Please sit down,

Mr. Babcock.

Fine, fine.

Hey.

Oh.

Hee hee hee!

Auntie Mame

will be right down.

She's having a little

trouble with her halo.

She'll be right down.

Heh heh heh.

Well, you look like

a bully little chap.

Yes, sir. A bully

little chap.

You look very bully, too,

Mr. Babcock.

Yes.

Would you care for a Martini,

Mr. Babcock?

Well, uh--

dry or extra dry?

Uh, wha--

sit down, please,

Mr. Babcock.

I'll make them like I do

for Mr. Woolcott.

Stir, never shake.

Bruises the gin.

Would you care

for an olive?

Auntie Mame says olives

take up too much room

in such a little glass.

Ah!

Why, Mr. Babcock.

What an honor it is

to have you

in our little home.

Though I wonder

if it does make

the best

first impression

on a sensitive

young mind

to see you drinking

during business hours.

But--but he--

don't you worry.

I won't breathe a word

to the Knickerbocker

bank.

Just one minute! Where

did this boy learn to mix--

Mr. Babcock,

knowledge is power.

That, Miss Dennis, is

exactly what I'm here for,

to discuss this

youngster's education,

his proper

education!

Nuts.

No, thank you.

Won't you sit down,

Mr. Babcock?

This little fellow

won't have to worry

about his future.

All of his money

is in good, steady bonds.

But I'm sure you'll agree

it's high time...

- Jelly beans?

- Thank you.

That he's enrolled

in an institution of learning.

I'm already

enrolled--

let Mr. Babcock

talk, dear.

I've gone to some pains

to gather information

on a number of

the better boys'

schools in town.

Personally, I prefer

coeducational schools.

What do you mean?

Coeducational means

boys and girls go

to school together.

I know! I know!

First on my list

is the Bixby school,

which is known

to be splendid.

Have you considered

a school in the village

run by Acacius Page?

It follows ancient

Greek principles,

and yet it's wonderfully

progressive.

Your late brother's will

was most specific!

"Conservative schooling,"

he said.

Of course, there's

always my Alma mater,

St. Boniface,

in Massachusetts.

Oh, no, no.

Too far away.

You'd better settle

on the Browning school.

It is known to be

eminently conservative,

and this gives

the boys basic--

oh, oh...That's

enough candy, dear.

Oh, sorry.

Not you,

Mr. Babcock.

You can have

all you want.

Ah!

Now, have you thought

of the Dillman school?

That's right here--

no, no. That's a little

too experimental.

We want to keep the riffraff

out of the boy's life.

The school we choose must be

exclusive and restricted.

Exclusively what

and restricted to whom?

We must spare the boy

certain influences

from the wrong side

of the tracks,

shall we say?

Mr. Babbitt--

Babcock.

Oh, yes...

It was very good

of you to come.

What school is it

going to be?

You name the school

of your choice.

Patrick and I will

know what to do.

I'd say Bixby.

Uh, then,

bully for Bixby.

I'll make out a check

to the Bixby school.

You'll take the boy down

and register him.

Whatever you say.

I say I'm very happy

to have met you.

After the reports

I'd heard,

I was prejudiced,

and not in your favor.

Tch, tch, tch.

I find you a woman

with a very powerful charm.

And you're a man with

a very powerful bank.

Ha ha ha!

Floor all

scrubbed, Fraulein Dennis.

Clean just like old country.

I go now, I get lamb chops,

bottle milk for boy.

Pick up my coat!

Bye,

Auntie Vera!

Bye, kid!

Don't drop anything,

Lindsay.

Oh, what a marvelous

October day,

October's

bright blue weather.

All we've seen is the inside

of department stores.

Haven't even had a chance

to call my office.

Oh, stop complaining,

Lindsay!

Mame, when will we have

some time to ourselves?

Time...oh, Lindsay,

don't you realize

I've had to make up

for--oh, thank you--

Patrick's 10 neglected

years in a few months.

Dr. Spock says

it's impossible.

Does Dr. Spock

also happen to mention

the child needs a father?

Tch, tch, tch.

A lot of women think

I'm reasonably attractive.

Don't start that

again.

Besides, how can I

be a wife?

I'm too busy

being a mother.

Oh! Oh--

oh--one moment, uh--

thank you. Thank you.

Oh, my hat!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I do hope

that Patrick likes

the chemistry set,

the books, the atlas,

the Kipling.

Mame, I don't like

your latest fad.

Fad--Patrick?

Yes. I've seen you

through yogi,

soap sculpture,

modern dance,

and nature foods.

I've seen you

take each one up

as if nothing

else existed,

then I've seen you

drop them all.

You think Patrick

is just a temporary

enthusiasm?

It's called molding

a new little life.

Don't be ridiculous!

You've been in a mood

all day long.

There you are, you deceitful,

irresponsible bohemian!

Mr. Babcock,

whatever do you mean?

You're no more fit

to raise a child than Jezebel!

My little love!

Something's happened to him!

Come here,

you little heathen!

Patrick, Patrick,

what's wrong?

He came over

to my school--

I'll tell you

what's wrong!

I dropped by

the Bixby school.

I find he isn't even

registered there.

He never has been!

So I have been

hunting through

every low, crackpot school

in this town.

I finally found him

in the lowest of them all!

Mr. page

is a progressive educator.

There they were,

a schoolroom full of them--

boys, girls, teachers--

romping around

stark naked,

bare as the day

they were born!

I assure you the children

under Mr. page's care

were engaged in healthful,

broadening pursuits.

Broadening!

You show them

what you were doing

when I broke into that place!

We were playing

fish family,

a part of

constructive play.

Listen to this!

Show me, darling.

We do it after

yogurt time.

Mrs. page

and all the girls

crouch on the floor

under the sun lamps.

They pretend

to be lady fishes,

depositing their

eggs in the sand.

Then Mr. page

and all the boys

do what

gentlemen fish do.

What could be more

wholesome or natural?

Natural?

Well, it might be

natural for a sardine!

Can you imagine

how I felt--

Mr. Babcock, I consider

your behavior most undignified.

Undignified? At least

I'm wearing a vest.

Making a scene,

causing what might well be

a traumatic experience

for this child.

I know how you can

twist things around.

So I'm getting out

of this

combination

nudist camp/opium den

before you make me

look like

the vice president

in charge of free love!

Mr. Babcock,

not in front of the b-o-y!

Tomorrow morning,

I, me, personally

am taking this kid

off to boarding school.

I am placing him

in St. Boniface academy

where he will stay!

You'll only get

your depraved hands on him

Christmas and summer!

And I wish to heaven

there was some way

I could stop you

from doing that!

Auntie Mame,

do I have to?

Please, Mr. Babcock

I'll do whatever you say,

so long as the boy

can stay with me.

He goes, and he

goes tomorrow!

Let's be reasonable--

I'm going to turn

this kid into

a decent god-fearing

Christian

if I have to break

every bone

in his body!

If you'll give me

another chance--

I wouldn't give you

the time of day

after the dirty double-

cross you pulled on me!

You can't take him!

He's all I have!

You have him ready

at 8:00 sharp

tomorrow morning!

And, kid, you'd better

be wearing knickers!

But I want to stay

with you, Auntie Mame!

I don't want to go to

that old St. bony-face!

Oh, now hush.

Hush, my little love.

Well, I, uh...

I'm sure St. Boniface

is really very nice.

You go upstairs

now, dear, and...

Get ready for dinner

and...

We'll talk

about it later.

Lindsay...

Lindsay,

what am I going to do?

Mame, I'm sorry.

Well, I, uh...

I just don't think

I can bear it.

I just don't.

Mame, I...

I've never seen

you cry before.

Mame!

Mame! Hey, Mame,

are you home?

Is that you,

Vera?

What on earth

does she want?

Have you talked

to your stockbroker?

Yes,

I can see you have.

What about him?

Don't you know?

He's called me

half a dozen times

trying to locate you.

What happened?

Oh, nothing, except nothing's

worth anything anymore.

Hello.

Don't you worry,

Mame.

It can't possibly affect

people like you and me

who have a lot of

solid stuff like

bank of

the United States.

Missy Dennis,

stockbroker want to say hello

before he jump

out of window.

How bad is it, Arthur?

Not bank of the United States?

Atwater Kent, too?

Mame...Mame,

I'm afraid you're wiped out.

We all are.

Everyone said

I was such a fool,

spending all my

money at Tiffany's.

Who gives a darn about money?

I've lost my child.

What?

Patrick's trustee's

sending him away to school.

Oh, Mame, darling,

I know

how you must feel.

Do you?

Of course I do!

I never

had a child,

but after all

I am an actress.

I can imagine.

Vera, there must be

something I can do!

I've got it--

the perfect solution!

It'll solve everything!

You're going to work.

Work? What at?

You'll return

to the stage

in my play,

Midsummer Madness!

There are dozens of

parts to go around!

We open Thanksgiving

in new haven.

I'll call up Max

first thing.

Do you think

I could?

Of course, you could.

Couldn't she, Lindsay?

Let's face it--you'll have

to work at something.

Now, the only chance

of getting Patrick back

is to show this Babcock

you've settled down

into something steady

like acting.

Or to earn the money

to fight him with!

Oh, Vera, Vera,

you're so right!

$500 a week to start,

wouldn't you say?

It'll only be a bit at

the end of the last act.

Then there'll be a raise!

Oh, I accept!

Your heart

is from Tiffany's, too.

It'll be

like old times,

when we were trouping together

in Chu-Chin-Girl.

I can't wait

to hear that overture!

Mame, this is

a serious drama.

I was in the front row

of the chorus.

Vera was behind me.

Behind you? If

I'd been behind you,

I'd have

kicked you in--

Vera! I know exactly

what I did.

I used to go...

♪♪ I'm a Chu-Chu-girl

from Chu-Chin-Chow ♪♪

♪♪ And how, and how ♪♪

♪♪ I'd love to chin

and chew with you ♪♪

♪♪ And turn the skies

to blue with you ♪♪

♪♪ And turn the skies

to blue with you ♪♪

That's it!

♪♪ And 23 Skidoo

with you ♪♪

♪♪ Chi-chi, chu-chu,

chow-chow ♪♪

♪♪ And how, and how ♪♪

♪♪ And how! ♪♪♪♪

Aah!

An appalling situation.

Frightful, my dear.

Where's Miss Dennis?

It's nearly time

for her entrance.

Keep your shirt on.

She's still making up.

Lady Iris--a lousy,

2-line bit.

She's had 2 1/2 acts

to make up.

You get her

up here quick.

And make sure she

knows her entrance

is from

the other side.

In all fairness

to the boy,

I believe she's been

leading him on.

After all,

she is a Princess,

he, a commoner.

Oh, dear. Everybody

into the solarium.

I think I hear them

coming now.

But, Reginald,

to do such a thing,

to dash away

together like this

would be mad...

Quite

devastatingly mad.

Quite

devastatingly mad!

When?

Ah ha ha ha!

Lord Dudley, your flattery would

turn a young girl's head!

Come, now.

Hurry to the ball.

If we tarry,

we shall be late.

Ha ha ha!

No, Reginald.

It would be madness.

I belong to one world,

you to another.

It's better we part now,

now while we Cherish

this ecstasy we've known.

What the hell have you

got back there? Reindeer?

This is good-bye,

Reginald.

I hear

the others coming.

Ah ha ha ha!

Oh, lord Dudley,

oh, no more champagne

or I shall forget

myself altogether.

Ha ha ha!

I have--

you're

the funniest man--

I have something

to tell you!

I have been unexpectedly

called back home.

Prince Alex needs me,

and my place

is by his side.

It has all been

so lovely

this whole summer,

but after all,

it has only been

midsummer madness.

Lady Iris, would you

be good enough

to ring

for my wrap?

Certainly, Princess.

And get rid of

those damn cowbells!

May I help you,

Princess?

Thank you, lady...

Iris.

Good-bye,

good-bye.

I shall always feel

a strong attachment

to you all.

Let go!

I can't.

I'm stuck.

Let go!

Vera, I'm stuck!

It's my bracelet.

It's caught!

Bring down

the curtain!

Hold still a minute!

Vera!

Places!

I was trying to--

ruining my beautiful play

with your lousy bell-ringing!

These are the only

bracelets I have

in the world.

That's

all I've got--

Enough!

That's enough!

Psst! Psst!

Ooh!

Aah!

OK,

strike the set!

You did this

deliberately! Why?

I wanted to make

something

out of

lady Iris.

You scene-stealing

society biddy!

You've destroyed me!

There were critics

out there.

We're ruined!

We're all ruined!

Never let me

catch a sight

of your

evil face again,

you...you assassin!

But, Vera!

Vera--you see--you don't--

I felt if I should just

make something out--

well, there weren't

many lines,

and I felt that--

Miss Charles asked...

I thought you were

very good, Auntie Mame.

Ohh!

Everybody noticed you.

Oh, my little love.

How did you

get up to new haven?

Ito brought me up.

How could Ito

drive you up

when I've already

sold the car?

He didn't drive.

We hitchhiked.

Mr. Babcock thinks

you're in that

horrible school.

It's all right, Auntie Mame.

It's Thanksgiving vacation.

Is it?

Can I be your escort?

Can I take you back

to your hotel?

You can take me

all the way back

to New York.

Patrick...

Oh, Patrick...

Are you ashamed

of your Auntie Mame?

I'm proud of you!

Nobody liked

the stinky old play at all

until you came in.

Lady Iris.

Charmed...

Lord Dudley.

Widdicombe, Gutterman,

Applewhite, Bibberman and Black.

You want to talk

to Mr. Gutterman.

One moment, sir.

I'll connect you.

Widdicombe, Gutterman,

Applewhite, Bibberman and Black.

Oh, oh, ha.

Yes, Mr. Bibberman.

You'd like to talk

to Mr. Applewhite.

Yes, sir, he's in.

I'll connect you.

Oh, uh--uh--

Widdicombe, Gutterman,

Applewhite,

Bib-Bib-berman and Black.

Yes, long distance.

How are you?

Y-uh-hold--

uh, Mr. Widdicombe,

I have your San Francisco

call for you.

Yes, Mr. Bibberman?

Oh...did I connect you

with Mr. Gutterman

instead of Mr. Applewhite?

I'm sorry, Mr. Bibbicombe.

Uh--Bib-Bib-Bib-Bib...

Oh, Mr. Applewhite,

what are you doing in that hole

with Mr. Gutterman?

Yes, Mr. Widdicombe?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I'll try to reconnect you again

with San Francisco.

Let me see...

Mr. bib-bib-bib is in there...

Talking to Mr. Bubberwhite...

Where is Mr. Applewhite?

Oh, there you are,

Mr. Applewhite!

Mr. Widdicombe, there's no

such place as San Francisco.

Please, I--

Mr. bib-bib-bib...

Mr. Widdicombe...

♪♪ O come, all ye faithful ♪♪

♪♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪♪

♪♪ O come ye,

o come ye ♪♪

♪♪ To Bethlehem... ♪♪♪♪

Roller-skate lady!

Where is

the roller-skate lady?

That stupid sales clerk

sent me 2 left skates.

Does Macy think my son

has 2 left feet?

Is that what you think?

If you'll just be patient.

Roller-skate lady!

Where is the

roller-skate lady?

I don't know how

I got over in Tinkertoys.

All I want is a pair

of those skates.

One moment. Mr. Loomis,

will you help me

with my sales slip,

please?

Let me send

these things C.O.D.,

then you wouldn't

have to pay any money.

Well, I would,

eventually.

Of course, but why

worry about it now?

Apres moi,

le deluge, eh?

Here's your slip.

It's so simple.

No bulky bundles to carry

or lose en route,

as it were.

I just love C.O.D.!

Excuse me, ma'am.

Oh, ma'am?

Just one moment,

please. Yes.

Yes!

I wonder if

could you assist me

in ordering 24 pair

of those fine-looking

roller skates?

24 pair!

My, what a proud father

you must be!

Oh, no, I'm a single

gentleman, ma'am,

but there's

a lot of little tykes

at Oglethorpe Orphanage

just outside of Savannah

that'll be happy to see

that package arrive.

That is a nice

thing to do.

I must say,

it's the true Christmas--

how much does that

come to, little lady?

You want to pay?

Cash?

Oglethorpe orphanage,

RFD 2, Savannah,

Georgia.

Wouldn't you prefer if I sent

these skates C.O.D.?

Well, I don't believe

that the little nippers

would think much

of their Santy Claus

if he filled

their stocking

with bills for

collection on delivery.

You see, I haven't

worked here very long.

The only kind of sales slip

I know how to make out

is C.O.D.

I might be able to be

of some assistance.

I've got

more than a passing

familiarity here

with financial matters.

First thing,

you've got to get

all your duplicates and

triplicates straight,

elsewise Mr. Macy

wouldn't have any way

of knowing

what you sold.

Oh, that's why

they have

all that

tissue paper.

There we are.

There's a nice new

order blank, now.

First the name--

Beauregard Jackson

Pickett Burnside.

That's a lot.

You took up all that space!

They never make them

big enough!

Miss Dennis, may I enquire

exactly what is going on?

The nice gentleman was

helping me. I called you.

This young lady--

Miss Dennis,

is that your name--

she was having

trouble with

the sales slip

for 24 pairs

of roller skates.

Was there something unusual

about the order?

Yes. He wanted

to pay cash.

Am I to understand

that a Macy employee

doesn't know how to make

a cash sale?

I'm a whiz at C.O.D.s.

You can tell by the book.

Miss Dennis,

this sales book is a shambles!

Good-bye, everybody,

and merry Christmas.

You're...

you are...

Listen here,

that young lady

was doing the very best

she knew how.

I consider myself entirely

responsible for this!

The whole thing's

an unfortunate misunderstanding.

Don't forget the skates

for the little nippers.

Get 'em at Gimbels!

♪♪ It came upon

a midnight clear ♪♪

♪♪ That glorious song of old ♪♪

♪♪ From angels bending

near the earth ♪♪

♪♪ To touch

their harps of gold ♪♪

♪♪ "Peace on the earth,

good will to men" ♪♪

♪♪ "From heaven's

all gracious king" ♪♪

♪♪ The world in solemn

stillness lay ♪♪

♪♪ To hear the angels sing ♪♪♪♪

Gee, I'm not finished

decorating yet.

You're home early.

Well...they gave me

my Christmas vacation

a little bit early.

But I'm glad, really,

'cause now it fits

with your vacation.

We won't have to miss

even a day together.

Oh, Patrick.

That's beautiful.

A genuine Picasso,

hmm?

His black-and-blue

period.

It's almost a week

till Christmas...

But open it.

Oh, Patrick.

Where did you

get the money?

Mr. Leavitt

down at the pawnshop

gave me

a very good price

for my hockey stick

and microscope.

I was getting tired

of microbes.

Oh, my, my,

my, my, my!

They're not

quite diamonds.

Oh, darling!

That's the most

beautiful bracelet

I ever owned!

Oh!

Aw!

Wiggle it.

See! It doesn't

make any noise.

I told the man

you had to have a quiet one

for when you go

on the stage again.

When you wear it

with your mink coat,

you'll make a sensation

at Macy's.

Oh, I've already made

a sensation at Macy's.

And my mink coat is

at Mr. Leavitt's

with your microscope.

Well, if we're

having Christmas,

let's have it

all the way around!

Norah! Ito!

Come in, please!

Yes,

Missy Dennis?

Merry Christmas,

everyone!

It isn't until

Tuesday, mum!

Well, we need it now.

Let's go ahead and have it.

Norah, Ito, Patrick.

I did want to pay you

some of your back salary.

Not another word

about it.

We wouldn't think

of leaving you.

No place else

get job anyhow.

Ooh!

It isn't 17 jewels, Ito.

I'm not sure time is worth

decoration these days.

Thank you,

Missy!

French-smelling. I'll feel

as alluring as theda bara.

Golly!

Long pants at last!

Can I try them on

right now, Auntie Mame?

Right now!

Well, we've got

a present for you,

too, Ito and me.

I hope you won't

be angry

for what we've done.

Just what is it

you have done?

Well, Ito had a bit

of money put by, and so did I,

for a rainy day,

you might say.

We both figured

it couldn't get much wetter

than it is right now.

We pay grocery

and butcher bill.

Now Mr. Schultz

no give nasty look

with lamb chop.

You are both

so dear to me.

I'll pay you back

one day.

You know I will, if...

If ever I can.

You're a loving

woman, mum.

Oh, you're odd,

but you're loving.

All we wish is that

you could find a man,

as wonderful and

as fine a gentleman

as you are

a fine lady.

Oh, Norah.

Whatever happened to

Mr. Lindsay Woolsey?

He was a nice man.

Yes, he was a nice man.

I sent him away.

I said no so many times

when I had money,

I couldn't say yes

when I went broke.

Look!

Besides, I have

my own fine gentleman

who gives me diamonds,

or almost diamonds!

Well, what we need

is some music.

Christmas Carols!

♪♪ Deck the halls

with boughs of Holly... ♪♪

♪♪ Fa la la la la

la la la la ♪♪

♪♪ 'Tis the season

to be jolly ♪♪

♪♪ Tra la la la la

la la la la ♪♪

♪♪ Don we now

our gay apparel ♪♪

♪♪ Tra la la

la la la la la la ♪♪

♪♪ Troll the ancient

yuletide Carol ♪♪

♪♪ Don we now

our gay apparel ♪♪

♪♪ Tra la la la

la la ♪♪

I'm all

out of breath!

Ha ha ha ha!

I'm all

out of breath!

Hee hee hee.

Patrick,

go to her.

Don't cry,

Auntie Mame.

Please don't cry.

Oh, hell.

We don't even

have any Kleenex.

If that's Santa Claus,

tell him we've already had it.

Uh, howdy, howdy.

Excuse me,

but I wondered if--

I declare,

it's a miracle!

That's what it is!

It's a good old-fashioned

Christmas miracle!

Ma'am, you've got no idea

how I am happy to see you!

I don't know I'm quite

that happy to see you.

I've been looking

all over for you.

There are 97 Dennises

in the Manhattan

directory alone!

I was about to get out

my foreign visa

and set sail for Brooklyn.

Would you mind

telling me

why you came here

in the first place?

I went back to that counter.

I had to apologize to you,

but you was gone.

I told them right out,

them Macy folks,

that they was wrong.

A woman of your culture

and charm and refinement

should have

an executive position

with hired hands

to wrestle with

them pesky figuring

and writing details.

Would you excuse me

for a minute?

I want to pay off

that nice taxi man

so he can get home

to his family.

You left a taxi meter running

in the middle of the depression?

Well, ma'am,

I'm in oil.

It just

keeps on gushing.

There's not much

I can do about it.

I'm all alone here in this

fair Metropolis of yours.

If you wouldn't consider me

too presumptuous,

I'd be most honored if you

let me squire you to dinner.

No, thank you.

We're having

a Christmas celebration.

I can't leave

my little family.

I can understand

that.

I'm knee-deep

in family myself.

Got acres of them.

Come down Georgia way

and meet them all.

I think you'd

just love Peckerwood.

Peckerwood?

Who's Peckerwood?

Oh, no, ma'am.

That's the name of my

little ol' plantation.

Say...maybe just

for tonight,

I could be part of

your little ol' family,

and we could all have

dinner together.

No, really,

I'm not dressed.

You look fine.

Don't worry none

about that.

A little powder

on that nose,

and you look...

Just fine.

Look here, I'll tell

that nice taxi man to wait.

Yeah!

Marry him, mum,

the minute he asks you!

Norah!

What's his name?

You don't even

know his name.

Of course I do!

We are about to

break bread with

Beauregard Jackson...

Pickett Burnside!

Norah, get your coat.

Ito, change your jacket.

Darling, now hurry, hurry!

And you better bring

your scarf!

It's cold outside!

Norah, don't forget

to take your apron off.

Ito, hurry!

Oh, I was just going

to give you

this wee thing

at dinner.

Oh, Norah,

you're an angel.

Wait, there must be

one for you--ah!

Me never believe

in Santa Claus.

Me beginning

to change mind!

Well, I never did think

Santa Claus

would have

a Southern accent!

Merry Christmas

from Manny, Moe, and Jack,

your credit clothiers.

Well, merry Christmas

to you all,

Manny, Moe, and Jack,

and a happy little 'ol

new year!

Well, good morning,

ma'am.

Where's my snuffbox?

What son of a no-good hound dog

stole my snuffbox?

It's in your lap,

mother Burnside.

Beauregard, where is she?

I don't see

any New York filly here,

just the same old lovin'

family group standin' around

waiting to be mentioned

in my will.

Afternoon to y'all...

Vultures.

Afternoon...

Now, now,

Mrs. Burnside.

That doesn't

include me, does it?

No, Sally Cato.

You ain't no vulture.

You're just

a dead pigeon.

Ah--ah--

Ah--ah--

ah-choo!

I can't see how

you let my Beauregard

out of your nest.

You should have sat on him

till you hatched him.

- Son?

- Yes mother?

We got

sweet Georgia peaches here.

Don't know why you had to

go to the land of the enemy

and bring back

a northern lemon!

Let's keep our hominy grits

going in the right direction.

My Auntie Mame,

Miss Dennis, I mean,

says she'll be here

in just a moment.

Well, now, what a lovable,

genteel little gentleman!

Emory!

You and my little brother

gonna get along like a pair

of colts in a pasture.

Emory!

Your sister's

nice.

Nice?

You're plumb crazy!

She's the meanest

damn filly

in the entire south!

Mame, darling,

where are you?

We're all

waiting on ya.

Oh, I'm coming,

Beau, sugar.

I'm sorry

to keep you waiting.

I'm just busting to meet

your sweet little old mother.

Uh, mother, dear...

I'd like to present

Miss Mame Dennis.

Well, I must say,

Mrs. Burnside,

you're everything

I ever expected...

And quite a bit more.

And these here

are my--

- ah--ah--

- yes, wha--

ah-choo!

Bless you.

These are the rest

of my kinfolks--

the Jacksons, Picketts,

Burnsides,

and Miss Sally Cato

MacDougall.

You stay here

and have a nice chat.

I'll fix you

a special drink.

Then we're going to

run along down,

and I'll have you

meet my horses.

Well, I...

I can't tell you

how charming it is

to meet all of, uh...

You all.

Tell me,

Miss Dennis.

May I call you

Mame?

Oh, please do!

And you call me

Sally Cato, hear?

Thank you!

Tell me, was it horses

brought you

and Beauregard

together?

Horses?

Why, horses are

the most important thing

in Beau's life.

Oh, I just

love riding.

Up in New York,

hardly a day goes by,

I don't have the sadd--

boots on.

Up every morning

at the crack of dawn

for a brisk canter

through central park.

Now that settles it.

In your honor,

we've got to have a hunt.

A hunt?

Oh, a hunt.

A hunt?

Listen, everybody,

Beauregard's gone

and surprised us all.

Miss Dennis here is a prominent

northern horsewoman.

I'm not prominent.

Naturally,

we'll have a hunt.

Listen, dawn tomorrow,

and everybody's invited.

We might not feel

like riding so early.

Won't we have a lark,

all of us, sun up,

leaping over those

hedges and river gaps

and the hounds yapping

around those boulders?

I tell you, Mame,

every eye in this county

is gonna be on you.

If I'd only known.

I didn't bring down

any of my riding togs.

Don't you worry

about that, Mame.

I got dozens of things

you could wear.

What's your shoe size?

3b.

That's marvelous!

Same as I wear.

Oh, you do ride

astride, Mame, dear.

Oh, no, no. No.

Sidesaddle.

Daddy, the colonel,

insisted

that I learn it.

Said it was the only way

for a true lady to ride.

So...graceful.

silly of him, of course.

Nobody rides sidesaddle

these days,

but it's the only way

I know how.

Now, isn't that

just grand?

I just happen to have

a little ol' sidesaddle.

It'll do you fine.

Refreshments, ladies?

Oh, Beau, darling,

we're having a hunt,

and your sweet

little Yankee girl

is riding sidesaddle.

I won't permit it!

It's far too dangerous!

But, darling,

she's insisted.

Oh, well...

Anything Mame

says she can do, she can do.

I tell you,

she is an amazing woman.

Oh, Mame, sugar!

I'm just going to

hold my breath

until dawn tomorrow.

Do that, honey.

Patrick, stop looking

at the pictures.

Read it to me, dear.

I'm listening.

"How to ride a horse."

It says you should

always get on the horse

from the left side.

My left side

or the horse's left side?

It doesn't say.

Listen to this.

"Whenever a rider

approaches a strange mount,

"he should fix

the animal in the eye

with a masterful gaze."

A masterful gaze.

"Above all, remain calm,

for a horse

"has a highly developed

sense of smell

and reacts dangerously

when he smells fear."

I hope he likes

Chanel no. 5.

Hey, I didn't know

this.

"Horses aren't native

to America."

Darling, read me

something useful.

I'm about to go over the top

any minute--sidesaddle!

"Clearing fences."

Clearing fences.

It says you should

always lean.

"Jumping water hazards."

Jumping water hazards.

"Don't lean. Sit erect."

Don't lean.

Sit erect.

Oh, Patrick.

Say your prayers.

Brush your teeth.

Be good

to Norah and Ito

after I'm gone.

I think Sally Cato

left a foot in this one.

Let me help you.

No, darling.

It's no use.

Why are you going through

all this, Auntie Mame?

If I can only snag you

an uncle Beau,

all our problems

will be solved.

Besides,

there's another minor,

relatively unimportant

little old thing.

I happen to be

in love with him.

I like Beau.

I like him a lot.

Then it's all settled.

Not so fast.

He hasn't asked me

anything yet.

You dressed yet,

Mame, honey?

Come in,

Beau, darling.

Oh, my.

How handsome

you look!

Well, likewise,

Mame.

Aw...

Hold it steady there,

will you?

I want to get

a picture of this.

That's it.

Now give me a nice pose,

Mame, darling.

Oh...

A big smile.

That's a girl.

There we are.

You have now been

immortalized in celluloid.

Oh, Beau!

Patrick...

Oh, you must have

left it in my room.

I'll find it.

Huh!

Uh...

Uh, Mame...

Oh, oh.

Uh...

Well, thank you.

I got something

to say.

I'll have to

say it fast

because if I don't

say it fast,

I'm not gonna

say it at all.

Talk slow then,

Beau, darling.

I can listen fast.

Mame, you and I

don't exactly come

from the same world.

Yes, Beau.

Mame, not that

I think I'm worth--

well, there comes

a time in every life...

Oh, yes.

Yes, Beau.

I'm just going to

have to come right out

and say it.

Uh...

Oh...

I'm going to

ask you to...

Mame,

would you--

I mean,

could you--

ye--

Mame!

Mame, darling!

It's me, Sally Cato.

I just wanted to see

if there was anything--

oh, hello, Beau.

Was I interrupting?

There's the signal,

Mame, darling.

Come on,

let's hurry!

Well, shall we

to the hounds?

Yeah. I'd love to

meet your family.

Mame, sugar,

we almost thought

you wasn't coming.

Oh, morning,

everyone.

Lovely day

for a hunt.

Sugar, you look

absolutely dreamy.

Say, boys!

You can bring

Miss Dennis' horse round now.

Well,

what a break.

Glorious weather

for the hunt.

I thought perhaps

it might rain,

we'd call

the whole thing off.

Well, now.

Where are we riding to?

Outside of the hounds,

of course.

It's a good

10-mile course,

for those

as makes it.

Well, I can try.

This way,

Auntie Mame.

Morning,

Miss Dennis.

Morning, morning.

Well, has he?

Not yet,

so I die an old maid

sometime before lunch.

No, you won't.

You look convincing,

like a magazine cover.

Horror stories.

Oh!

What's in there?

That's the horse

I picked out for you.

What's his name?

Meditation.

I could trip you.

You'd only break a leg.

I can't disgrace Beau

in front of all his people.

Fix the animal in the eye

with a masterful gaze.

Fix a master in the eye

with an animal gaze

in the asterful eye!

Fix the aster in the maze

with an animal guy!

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, boy.

Whoa, whoa.

Hold it, hold it.

Oh!

Ah!

Ow! Ooch!

Well,

you look fit, Mame!

They're bringing the fox

up from the icehouse.

Come on, let's go,

everybody!

Whoa, boy.

Easy, now. Calm down.

Ha ha ha!

Good-bye, Yankee gal.

Whoa!

Where does she

think she's going?

Look at her go!

Auntie Mame!

Fall off!

Watch

that flood wall!

Auntie Mame,

fall off!

Fall off!

Look out!

Look out!

Aah!

Danged if she

didn't sail

clear over it!

No hands!

Whoop!

Aah!

Look at her ride!

She's

passing everybody!

She's passing

the master of the hounds!

Mighty bad form,

passing the master!

She's passing

the dogs!

Mother

of Jefferson Davis!

She's passing the fox!

Mrs. Burnside!

Mrs. Burnside!

I was driving by,

I thought I saw--

that couldn't be

meditation, could it?

Yeah. Fine bit

of horseflesh.

He's a killer!

I got to stop this!

They're all headed

back this way.

Hey, stay out of

them flower beds!

Get them crazy horses

out of my bougainvillea!

She's heading

for the icehouse!

Aah!

Hey!

That's my car!

That's

county property!

Aah!

Ha!

Mame!

Mame!

Mame, darling!

Where are you?

She come

this way.

There you are.

Mame, darling,

are you all right?

I caught

the brass ring.

If I hadn't

grabbed on to this,

I'd have been

in Nova Scotia.

What happened

to the fox?

Poor thing

is all tuckered out.

Auntie Mame!

Oh, my little love!

Don't you worry.

I'm all right.

As county veterinarian,

I commanded you 2 years ago

to have that horse

meditation destroyed.

Letting this little lady

ride this horse--

superb horsewoman

that she is!

That was pure

premeditated murder!

Let's have 3 cheers,

everybody,

for my little

Yankee Valkyrie.

What a seat

that woman has!

What

a magnificent seat!

Look here, everybody!

I want 3 cheers for...

For the future Mrs. Beauregard

Jackson Pickett Burnside!

Hip, hip...

- Hooray!

- Hooray!

Hip, hip...

- Hooray!

- Hooray!

Beau!

Emory, come on home!

Hot damn! My sister's

gonna bust a gut!

What are you all

standing around here for?

Come back to the house,

and we'll all have

a glass of whiskey.

Oh, Beau.

Come on, Mame, darling.

Here we are.

Say, Mame,

I'm sorry about...

Well, about making

my proposal so public,

but you know that I'm

gonna do everything I can

to make you happy.

'Course, you're gonna

have to educate me,

you know, make me

more Cosmopolitan.

For a honeymoon,

why don't we take

a trip around the world

for a couple of years,

just you and me?

Oh, Beau! That--

darling,

excuse me a minute.

Sure.

Oh, my little love!

Congratulations,

Auntie Mame.

Your Auntie Mame's in love

and very, very happy.

I won't see you

for a long time.

Patrick...

Oh, Patrick, nothing

can ever really separate us.

And you'll join us

on all your vacations.

The rest of the time,

you'll be busy at school.

Tch. Aw. I'll just have

2 men in my life

instead of one, hmm?

And I'll write to you

every day, darling.

I promise.

You don't think

I'd run off and abandon you

to the Babcocks, do you?

You're stuck with me

whether you like it or not,

darling, forever.

Now let me see you smile.

Where is it?

I want to see it.

Up, up, up, up, up!

Ah, that's my boy!

Ha ha ha!

Can I ask you

just one question?

How did you stay on

that horse?

It was just like new haven

with the bracelet.

I got stuck,

but at the other end.

Mame.

"Dear Auntie Mame,

"I plan to spend

this holiday

with Mr. Babcock

in Darien."

Hold it there,

Mame, darling.

Now, no higher,

Beau.

"Junior Babcock and I

have swell times there.

"I have met the kids

from practically all the best

families in Connecticut."

Tch. Oh, dear.

Beau, I have a feeling

we should be getting back.

I think

Patrick needs me.

That last one was

the best one yet.

Oh, good, darling.

Did you remember

to put film in the camera?

I sure did, hon--

oh, dang!

Oh, up, up,

rover!

Up, up! Oh...

Mrs. Burnside.

Oh, Mr. Babcock.

So good

to see you again.

Thank you.

Nice to see you.

Oh, darling!

Oh!

Congratulations.

Mame!

Up here, Mame, honey.

Give me

a nice smile now.

I got you!

Mame, honey...

Look up here.

Oh! Come, Patrick.

Do be careful, darling.

Now...

Give me

a nice smile.

Patrick, boy,

take off your hat.

Now give me

a nice smile.

That's it.

Ah!

I got it!

Ha ha ha ha!

♪♪ Oh, Rumson u ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, Rumson u ♪♪

♪♪ To you we'll e'er

be staunch and true ♪♪

♪♪ And though

our college days are few ♪♪

♪♪ We'll remember you,

Rumson u ♪♪♪♪

Dennis?

Hey, Dennis!

Sign here.

It's another one

for you!

Hey, Dennis!

Yeah!

Siam this time.

Thanks.

Siam. "Dear Patrick,

"here's a handy little woman

to have around the house.

Love, Auntie Mame."

What a doll!

Look at that thing!

Uh!

Here we are,

Mame, darling.

Oh!

You all right?

Next time, let's

take the elevator.

It's 10,000 feet up.

We only got

another mile to go.

Why don't you stay here

and rest a little while?

I'll go on up

a little higher.

I want to get

some film on you, huh?

I'll finish

Patrick's letter.

All right.

"Have to dash.

Dinner at uncle Dwight's.

"That's Babcock

the baboon-faced boy, to you.

"Actually,

old Babcock's rather sweet.

"He's been introducing me

to all the blonde heiresses

on the eastern seaboard."

Blonde heiresses?

Dwight?

Beau? Beau?

I knew that letter

was worrying you,

so I already made

reservations back.

Oh, good.

Well, then

let's get back down.

Wait a minute,

Mame.

I still got a little

bit more film left.

Mame,

would you mind

stepping back

just a bit?

I'd rather not.

Never mind. I'll

skittle up a mite.

Now, Beau. No higher.

Take this thing,

will you, honey?

It keeps on getting

in my way.

Take hold of the other end

for your balance.

Don't you worry

none, Mame.

Just be looking out

at the view.

Hold it now,

will you?

Hold on tight

while I refocus.

♪♪ Yodel-a-Dee-hoo! ♪♪

♪♪ Yodel-a-Dee-hoo! ♪♪

♪♪ Yodel-a-

deeeeeeeeeeee-- ♪♪♪♪

Beau?

Beau!

Good heavens!

This place looks

like the main chapel

of a funeral parlor.

Haven't Norah and Ito

been alerted?

They'll be here

tomorrow.

What's that thing

supposed to be?

It's a dictaphone.

She'll never use it.

Patrick's carried all this junk

up here for nothing.

Mame can't stay still

long enough

to write a post card,

let alone a book.

No, I think

the kid was right.

Mame can't go on

living in a vacuum.

She's always got to

have a project.

She's got a project.

Now she's

the tragic queen.

She's having such fun

being miserable.

All she's done

these last 10 months

is to wander

around Europe

revisiting places

she's been with Beau.

8 times she's climbed

that lousy Matterhorn

to throw Rose petals

down the glacier.

I should have gone to the boat

with Patrick to meet her.

I haven't seen her

since the funeral.

Wasn't it like Mame

to keep him

till I got there?

Listen, you cynic!

She was in love with him!

She's changed,

I tell you.

Uh-huh!

I'll get some champagne.

Oh, I'll answer it.

Mame!

Zooks, she can't

have changed that much!

I'm from speed-o.

You're what?

Patrick called

a secretarial

service.

Your name is,

uh...

Agnes Gooch.

Now, Miss Gooch,

you'll be

taking dictation

from

Mrs. Burnside.

She's a very

fast talker.

Speed-o

won't let anybody out

who can't do at least

180 words a minute.

I'm over 200.

Oh, you're not!

She may let loose

with a million words

and ideas.

I want you

to be right there

to soak them up

like a sponge.

Speed-o better have symbols

for 4-letter words.

Oh, Lindsay, Mame

will never write a book!

Patrick's

got someone to help.

Great Scott, I forgot.

He told the fellow

to be here at 3:00.

What fellow?

That's the signal.

What signal?

Patrick wants us

to surprise Mame.

Hide! In there.

Quick!

I--

you, too,

Miss Gooch.

Why are you ringing?

Don't you have a key?

Oh, of course!

What am I

thinking of?

Oh, Patrick!

Ah!

Welcome home,

Auntie Mame.

Oh, good old

Beekman Place.

Always so loyal.

No matter how far I go,

it waits for me to come back.

I do hope you

used it weekends.

Well, no, I didn't.

I usually go from school

out to Connecticut

to uncle Dwight's.

Oh.

I rather expected Vera

to be at the boat.

I wouldn't

let her come.

I wanted to be

all alone with you.

Oh, Patrick!

My little Patrick!

Oh, now, now, now.

Open your presents.

I just can't

get over it.

Every time I see you,

you're taller

and more grownup.

Golly! Short pants!

At last!

Can I try them on

right now?

Ha ha! Right now!

Surprise!

Welcome home, Mame!

Vera!

And dear, staunch,

stalwart Lindsay.

Oh, how good

of you both

to rally round

this bereft old woman.

Doesn't she

look great?

How can you tell?

Mame, couldn't you

have gone

to purple by now?

Come on, Auntie Mame.

Champagne!

And fishberry jam.

No, no, Patrick.

The bubbles no longer

tickle my nose.

I've given up alcohol,

along with everything else.

It's wonderful

of you all, very touching,

but...what's that?

That's your dictaphone

and your typewriter.

And what's that?

I'm your sponge!

Auntie Mame,

this is your secretary.

My secretary?

Yes. You're

going to write

your autobiography.

Me write a book?

No one's had a more

colorful life than you.

Think of all

the fascinating people

you've known--

Winston Churchill,

Mahatma Gandhi, me...

And I've saved

all your letters.

You'll be so busy

digging up the past,

you won't have time

to think about the present.

And I promise

to publish it.

I see...This is

some sort of conspiracy.

No, no.

Yes, yes, some trumped-up

occupational therapy,

like leathercraft

or basket-weaving.

I swear it'll be

a best seller.

A best seller?

And you'd be doing

me a favor.

My memoirs? My memoirs.

Patrick,

you forgot my drink.

Champagne?

Anything, darling.

Just make it double.

I see it

in 2 volumes,

boxed like Proust.

Well, uh...

Let me see...

Chapter one, page one.

She supposed to

start this minute?

Oh, this isn't

so difficult.

Patrick,

get me another drink.

Where was I?

Chapter one, page one.

What are you writing?

"Chapter one, page one.

This isn't so difficult.

"Patrick,

get me another drink.

Where was I?

What are you writing?"

She is fast.

Atta-girl, Auntie Mame.

You're off and running.

Patrick, do you think

I should do this?

It'll take up all my time,

and I came home

just to be with you.

You can't exactly

be with me.

No women in the dorm.

I keep forgetting, darling.

You're all grown up now.

You don't need me anymore.

Nobody needs me anymore.

It's one of the saddest

things that--

how do you turn her off?

Now where was I?

The most important thing

is a very good beginning.

Why don't you wait

for your collaborator?

Collaborator?

A friend arranged

for an editor

to work with you,

a fellow named O'Banion.

You don't trust me

to write my own life?

Good heavens,

who else could write it?

He wants to give me

a ghost!

Not a ghost, Mame!

I see the whole picture.

A ghostwriter!

If you think

I'll expose my life

in front of some burly,

beer-drinking Irishman,

who leads a low,

common life

in some

3rd Avenue bar,

you're very much mistaken.

A ghostwriter!

You don't trust me

to write my own life!

Auntie Mame--

whoever

this creature is--

a Mr. O'Banion

to see you.

I was asked to drop by to meet

the fabulous Mrs. Burnside.

Ahh...you are she,

of course.

I could sense the aura

of creative vitality

about you.

Won't you come in,

Mr. O'Banion?

I thought by way

of introduction, Mrs. Burnside,

I'd present you with this slim

volume of me poems,

The Parched Garden.

What a lovely title.

Thank you.

Do you mind

if I sit down?

That long ride up

in the elevator,

it's after

getting me dizzy.

I'll be after

getting you

a bit of water.

Oh, no, no.

Please don't bother.

Of course, a bit of champagne

if it's handy.

Patrick.

It seems to help.

Thank you.

Uh, oh...

It's the other one.

Tell me,

how did it happen?

Well, it was in 1922,

the great rebellion.

Even a lad of 15

can feel strongly

about his country's

independence.

Tch, tch, tch.

Ahem!

Oh.

How nice.

Tell me,

Mr. O'Banion,

do you think

you and I

can ever get

anyplace?

With the book,

I mean.

Well, we've both

known sorrow.

I feel that you and I

are going to

create something...

Something beautiful.

♪♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-lay ♪♪

♪♪ A-loo-ra-lay ♪♪

♪♪ A-too-ra-loo-ra-lay ♪♪♪♪

Actually, my childhood

was so sad.

Looking back,

mother died in childbirth.

That was a dreadful thing.

Father traveled

all the time.

What a difficult man

he was.

I must be fair to father.

I really must.

Remind me to do a whole

new chapter about him.

No, take that out.

I don't think I'll be

bothered with that.

I had to start working

when I was 8.

8 years of age!

I went over to

this woman next door

and said, "can I baby-sit?

Can I do something?"

I said to myself,

"I must have clothes,

I must have parties,

I must have pretties."

Please.

Please, Miss Gooch!

How can I court the muse

with all that

clackety-clack?

Oh, I'm sorry,

Mr. O'Banion.

I'm only taking off what

Mrs. Burnside dictated.

Everything

Mrs. Burnside dictates

is so wonderful.

When I think of

the things she's done,

and think of the things

I haven't done,

I could just die.

It's so exciting

being in this house.

Just imagine,

a Japanese houseboy,

all those

artistic friends,

and you,

Mr. O'Banion.

Oh, I'll get it,

Brian.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Lindsay.

Oh, it's coming along.

Well, it's only been

3 months.

Brian is polishing

and perfecting it.

A party! Oh, I'd--

oh...no,

I'm afraid not.

Brian couldn't possibly--

what is it, my dear?

Lindsay feels

that Warner brothers

might pay a fortune

for our book

as a vehicle

for Bette Davis.

Jack Warner's coming

to his apartment tonight,

but I said you wouldn't--

Lindsay! Lindsay...

Mrs. Burnside

and I couldn't possibly

allow our work to be

defiled by a movie company,

but just as a courtesy,

we'll come and discuss it.

Uh, about 8:30.

Black tie?

All right, and thank you

very much.

Good-bye.

Brian, you accepted.

It might do you good

to get back in the world

for a change tonight.

Here's what you

dictated, Mrs. Burnside.

Oh, thank you.

Here's what

Mr. O'Banion edited.

Oh. Well, Mr. O'Banion

and I are going to work now.

Why don't you do...

Whatever it is

you do do to relax?

Thank you,

Mrs. Burnside.

I think I'll just

fix myself a Dr. pepper.

Brian, I'm really

worried.

We have so little

to show Mr. Warner.

We'll have to

tell him the story.

How long

will it take us

to finish this book?

Flaubert spent 13 years

on Madame Bovary.

Oh...

uh--w-where were we?

Give us our last

sentence again.

"My puberty in buffalo

was drab."

No, no, no.

It has no majesty.

Drab is such

a drab word.

How right you are.

It has

no afflatus!

What about bleak?

Bleak?

Bleak! "How bleak

was my puberty."

Bleak, buffalo.

Hear how the 2 words

cling to each other,

locked together

like a man and woman

in each other's

arms.

Listen to

the words sing!

"How bleak

was my puberty!"

I'm sorry.

Come, Mame, come.

Let us lie down here

in front of the fire

and stare at the flames.

It will help stir

the flames of our inspiration.

Uh, y-yes--yes...

Well, now, Brian.

Do you think

the general public

will understand

all this symbolism?

"Like an echo

from the caves

"of Glocca Morra,

I came forth,

whilst Deidre

wept cool tears."

Wouldn't it be

simpler to say,

"on the day

I was born,

it rained

in buffalo"?

But it's drab.

It's drab,

but it's clear!

Here is clarity, Mame.

I stayed awake to sift it

from obscurity.

"In the blank, gray, midnight

of me haunted garden,

"your soft form appeared,

raining kisses

on the parched earth

of me lips."

Brian, what's

come over you?

Now,

you mustn't!

It takes Agnes

no time at all

to knock off

a Dr. pepper.

- Brian, you mustn't!

- Mame.

Do not withdraw

this wondrous watering,

for without you--

I rinsed out

the glass.

Aren't you neat,

ag--

Mame, it came from

the very fiber of me being.

That's why

I was so tired today.

It took everything

out of me.

You could revitalize me

with a single motherly kiss.

Mmm!

Brian, what's

happened to you?

I'm revitalized!

Revitalized?

You're recharged!

Don't you dare

come near me! Stay there!

You're old enough

to be my mother!

I'm going to your room--

I mean my room! Norah, Ito!

Aaah! Your leg!

You'll kill yourself!

But what a way to die!

I'm mad for you!

For 2 months, you've poured

your strength into me.

Now I will pour it

right back!

Aah!

Brian! Brian,

this is ridiculous!

It's like

having a crush

on your

schoolteacher

or your analyst!

Oh, now, stop it!

Stop!

Hello, anybody!

Patrick!

Hello, Auntie Mame.

Hello, Dennis.

I'm so glad to see you,

darling.

Mrs. Burnside and I

were just working...

On the book.

I bet that's going to

be some book.

What are you doing

home from school?

I had to talk

to you about something.

You have things

to talk about.

I'll go up to

my room and change.

His room?

Is he living here?

Well, of course,

darling.

He was living in some

miserable cold-water flat,

and since we're working together

literally night and day...

Let me tell you something about

that spiritual Irish poet--

you don't have to

tell me a thing.

It looks very cozy.

For a minute there,

you sounded exactly like

somebody from

the Knickerbocker bank.

Please get O'Banion

out of here right away.

I beg your pardon.

I don't want him

in this house.

Aren't you taking rather

an imperious tone?

Mr. O'Banion

is my colleague.

Colleague, my foot!

Gloria would never

understand that you--

now, who is Gloria?

Auntie Mame,

listen to me.

I've met a girl.

I've been

going with her

for several months.

Oh.

She's a very

special girl and...

I guess

I should have

told you about her

before.

I would have,

but you were tied up

with the book and...

Everything.

Until now it wasn't

really definite.

What's definite now?

Gloria's the girl!

That's what's definite!

And you're going to

meet her...Tonight.

I hope you didn't leave her

sitting in the car!

No, I dropped her off

at her girlfriend's,

Bunny Bixler's

on park Avenue.

She wanted to spruce up

before she met you.

I'd better do some

sprucing up of my own.

I'll bring her back

in 10 or 15 minutes.

I'll have my face

all organized.

Mame, where are

me evening slippers?

Oh, it's all right.

I found them.

Wait a minute.

If he's still

in the house,

I'm not gonna bring

Gloria back here.

May I inquire why?

Gloria's a very sensitive

and well-brought-up girl.

I don't want you

flaunting

your new flames

and old peccadilloes

in front of her.

Then why bring her

here at all?

You want to know

the truth?

I've been trying to

avoid it.

She wanted to meet you.

I see.

So you just dropped by

to see that I was all...

Scrubbed up,

presentable

for inspection,

is that it?

Yes.

And to tell you

that while I've got

my girl here tonight,

for 5 minutes

try to act like

a normal human being.

Gloria's from a very

conservative family,

good stock, and...

She doesn't have to know

about a lot of things

that ordinary mortals simply

don't have to know about.

Should she know

that I think

you've turned into

one of the most

beastly, bourgeois,

babbitty little snobs

on the eastern

seaboard...

Or will you be able

to make that quite clear

without any help

from me?

Well, it's been

nice knowing you.

Patrick.

Auntie Mame.

Oh, darling,

oh, I love you so.

I'd do anything for you.

I'd join the D.A.R.,

I'd denounce

Calvin Coolidge

as a bolshevik!

Oh, Auntie Mame,

Gloria had better

like you,

or I'll belt her one

square in the chops.

I'll have him out

of here in no time,

have the whole place

fumigated.

I promise, darling.

I promise!

Thanks, Auntie Mame.

♪♪ The pale moon

was shining ♪♪

♪♪ Above the green

mountain ♪♪

♪♪ The sun was declining

beneath the sea... ♪♪

Brian!

Oh, Brian!

♪♪ Ti ti tum tum-- ♪♪

What's the matter?

Why aren't you dressed?

We can't keep

Lindsay waiting.

Brian, would you mind awfully

going to the party

without me tonight?

You want me to go alone?

I wouldn't think of it.

Something just came up--

hurry up

and get dressed.

I am not going

to that party alone.

If there's nothing more

you wanted, Mrs. Burnside,

I just thought

I'd go up to my room.

Agnes.

Agnes.

I wonder.

Is anything wrong,

Mrs. Burnside?

Agnes.

You're coming out.

Where?

You know, you have

very beautiful eyes.

Take these glasses off

and leave them off forever.

I can't see anything

out of my right eye.

Look out of your left one.

Now, now, now, now!

You do have a bust!

Where have you been

hiding that all these months?

Mrs. Burnside!

What do you call

those things?

Orthopedic Oxfords.

Kick them off.

Take off your clothes.

Norah, Ito.

There's a man

in the house.

Agnes, stop being a goof.

Get these clothes off quickly!

I'm in a hurry!

Norah! Ito!

Where are you

when I need you?

Mrs. Burnside, I don't

have a very clear picture

of what's going on.

Oh...

Now, Agnes, dear,

I am sending you

to that party tonight

with Mr. O'Banion.

Oh, I couldn't.

I'm too nervous.

Oh! This will

calm you down.

Oh, no! Spirits do

the most terrible

things to me.

I'm not the same girl.

What's wrong with that?

Will it mix

with Dr. pepper?

He'll love it.

Drink!

Oh, Norah, go upstairs

and get my black velvet.

Ito, lay out

all my cosmetics--

cold cream, eye shadow,

eyebrow pencils!

Everything!

You see, me be

Charlie of the Ritz.

Ha ha ha!

Come, child.

I think I know

what you want me to do.

I'm not a bit sure

I want to do it.

Agnes, where is

your spine?

Here you've been taking

my dictation for weeks,

and you don't get

the message of my book.

Live!

that's the message!

Live?

Yes!

Life is a banquet,

and most poor suckers

are starving to death!

Now, come on, Agnes,

live!

Live!

Come, child! Live!

- Live!

- Live!

Live!

Ha ha ha!

The whole place

has gone nuts.

She'll never make

a silk purse

out of that sow's ear.

Oh, Mrs. Burnside,

I can't breathe!

Oh, good, good.

If you can breathe,

it isn't tight enough.

And why aren't

you dressed?

Brian, you just have to

understand--

I'm not going

to that party tonight.

Then I'm not going either.

I'm not! I'm not!

I'm not!

Well, you can use

the Duesenberg.

And I have a date

for you.

Oh, Agnes!

Agnes!

You can't expect--

would you ask Toscanini

to lead a harmonica band?

Now, Brian.

I won't take Gooch.

She's an offense

to the human eyesight.

It's a good thing

her mother,

the Countess de Gooch,

can't hear that.

She'd...eh...

pull your beard.

Countess?

you're joking.

Surely you've heard

of the de Gooches?

Second wealthiest

banking family

in the country.

Fabulous estate

at Newport.

This child

is just doing this

for a little

literary experience.

Ah, Agnes.

No, no, no.

Head up, dear.

Shoulders back,

tummy in.

Oh, Agnes, tonight

you are queen of Romania.

Oh, Agnes, dear,

on your feet.

Oh, darling,

you look divine.

Do I really?

Yes, now come on.

Enchanting.

Golly!

Brian, hang those

furs on the Gooch.

Auntie Mame,

this is Gloria Upson.

This is my Auntie Mame,

Mrs. Burnside.

I can't tell you

how pleased I am

to make your acquaintance.

Yes...come in,

children. Do, please.

There are some

friends of mine

I'd like you to meet.

This is my secretary,

Miss Gooch,

my good right hand,

my Boswell, as it were.

This is Miss Upson

and my nephew Patrick.

This is--what is your

boyfriend's name again?

Oh, Mr. O'Banion.

You two, run along.

Have a good time.

Well, good night!

I can't tell you

how pleased I am

to have made your acquaintance,

Mr. O'Banion

and Miss Boswell.

Well, now, Patrick

tells me how special

you are to him.

That means you're

very special to me, too.

Mmm, my! What

a stunning apartment.

Thank you.

Books are awfully decorative,

don't you think?

Won't you sit down?

Can I get you

something?

A Cognac?

A Drambuie?

Would you like

another hot chocolate?

Oh, not a thing.

On our way to

Bunny Bixler's,

my friend on park Avenue

and 71st street,

Patrick and I stuffed ourselves

at Schrafft's.

Do you know what

your silly nephew did?

He spoke French

to the counterman.

Imagine anybody

speaking French

to a counterman

at Schrafft's.

Show-off.

Well,

if nobody minds,

I think

I'll have something.

You're...

You're at school,

dear?

I'm an upper Richmond

girls school girl.

How did you get

that lovely tan

so early

in the spring?

Oh, I played hooky

for a couple of weeks.

Mums and Daddums and I

went down

to our place

in Fort Lauderdale.

We have a place

in Fort Lauderdale.

I was out of my mind

until she got back.

I'm insanely jealous

of this kid.

Sheer torture

and I love it.

Silly.

Tell me, dear,

have you...

Have you chosen

your major yet?

Chosen my major?

What courses are you

taking at college?

Oh! Just a general

sort of liberal arts thing.

You know, English lit

and like that.

Upper Richmond's

top-drawer.

Really top-drawer.

How did you two

ever get acquainted?

Oh, uncle Dwight

introduced us.

Uncle Dwight?

Oh, oh, yes.

Well, he's not

really my uncle,

but he's been a real

close friend of the family

ever since

I was a little girl

with braces

on my teeth.

One day I must meet

mums and Daddums.

We don't want to

bother you

with a lot

of family stuff.

Naturally, we'll expect you

at the wedding.

Wedding?

Is there a wedding?

I told you it was

definite, Auntie Mame.

It's awfully good

of you to let me know.

We've decided on

a September wedding

at our place

in Montebank.

September?

Tell me, just where

is Montebank?

Oh, it's right

above Darien.

Oh, you'll love it.

It's awfully pretty,

and it's terribly

handy to the city.

Of course, it's

completely restricted.

I'll get

a blood test.

We'd better hurry.

We want to catch

an Italian picture

at the Plaza.

Oh, those awful

foreign movies.

What I go through

for your nephew,

but he is cute,

isn't he?

Yes, isn't he?

I can't tell you

how pleased I am

to have made

your acquaintance.

Yes, thank you, dear.

Thank you.

Well?

Isn't she terrific?

Oh, yes, dear.

Yes, she is.

So are you,

Auntie Mame.

You're really

top-drawer, I mean--

well, you know

what I mean.

Now, why did I ever

buy him those long pants?

Better hang on

to the red dye.

I may want to go

back to it

after visiting

the Upsons.

It's just what you wanted,

Mrs. Burnside--respectable.

If a bit drab.

Oh, Ito, did you

bring the car around?

Missy, I go to garage.

No Duesenberg.

Mr. O'Banion

no bring back.

I hope nothing

has happened--

to Agnes, I mean.

I'll call Mr. Lindsay,

borrow one of his.

Don't forget the maps

and the Martinis.

What happen,

Missy Gooch?

I lived!

What kind party

was that?

I don't remember.

All that champagne--

I don't remember a thing.

I think we went

to a movie.

Yeah. There was

a wedding in it,

and Gary Cooper

was the groom.

I don't remember

who the girl was,

but it made me cry.

Where's Mrs. Burnside?

She get ready

to go to Connecticut.

Where Duesenberg?

I don't know.

Mr. O'Banion said

he just had to meet

my mother.

Then we got on

the Staten Island ferry,

and he disappeared.

I've got to see

Mrs. Burnside

before she goes.

Is anything wrong,

Missy Gooch?

I did just what

she told me--

I lived!

I've gotta find out

what to do now.

I think

it's a good match

for our

little Gloria.

I can't understand

why Dwight didn't want us

to meet the aunt.

We never would have

if she hadn't phoned.

I'm glad she did.

I've been dying

to get a look at her.

Where is she now?

Freshening up

in the guest room.

That's an expensive

outfit she's wearing.

I looked at the label

in her coat.

Pss!

I'll bet she's

a lot better fixed

than Dwight figured.

I hope it's all right

to have a cocktail hour

here in the patio.

I wouldn't want her

to think we live like gypsies.

You show me a gypsy

that lives like we do!

Shh! Claude,

you be genteel

in front of

Mrs. Burnside.

Yoo-hoo!

That must be she.

We're out here on the patio,

Mrs. Burnside.

Oh, what a delightful spot

you have here.

We adore

Montebank.

Of course,

we always spend

the summers

at our camp

in the Adirondacks.

We call it

Upson pines.

We leave

next week.

There's one thing we ought

to get straight right off.

You do take a little nip

now and then?

On festive

occasions.

Good!

I'll have an Upson daiquiri

ready for you in a minute.

I cannot get over

all the thought

you've given

every detail of your

house, Mrs. Upson.

We've done

everything we could

to make it seem like

authentic colonial America.

Oh, and how well

you've succeeded.

All those

enchanting miniatures

in the powder room

of John Quincy Adams.

I'll bet

you didn't see

our driveway

signpost.

I did, I did.

What a divine name

you've given

this place--

Upson downs.

I'll bet you

thought of that,

Mrs. Upson.

No. That was Claude.

I'm just

a homebody.

Claude's

the clever one.

- Aw...

- aw...

Now, Mrs. Upson,

I was thinking--

Doris, dear.

Doris.

Well, you

must call me Mame.

Mamie.

Uh, Mame.

Well, Mamie old girl,

here's your poison.

I make my daiquiris

with a secret ingredient

I learned from this native

down in Havana, Cuba.

You'll never guess what

that secret ingredient is.

I'll say this much--

there's no sugar

in the Claude Upson daiquiri.

And yet it's so sweet.

Whatever do you use?

Chocolate ice cream?

Choc--

oh ho ho ho ho!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, say, that's rich.

You hear that, Doris?

Chocolate

ice cream.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

I'll tell you.

Since you're practically

one of the family,

I'll let you in

on my little secret.

Honey.

I beg pardon?

Strained honey,

that's the secret ingredient.

Oh, I see.

Of course, I use

quite a little rum, too.

Now, now, now.

Yes. Oh, yes, I--

ha ha ha ha!

Ya ha ha!

Now, Mamie,

I've made these

especially for you.

Oh, my, my, my,

my, my.

Don't they

look delicious!

Well, well, well,

well, well, well...

What are they?

Well, I take 2 cans

of tuna fish,

put them through

the meat grinder,

then add clam juice

and peanut butter.

It's a recipe from the

Ladies' Home Journal.

These others are just plain

Jack cheese and chutney.

Sit you down, Mamie.

I've something

special to show you.

Oh, baby pictures

of Gloria.

The whole family,

more or less.

Ah, on a bear rug.

Isn't that precious?

Better not let Patrick

see that one.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

Oh, my, my.

Oh, that's Miss Tuthill,

little glory's

first schoolteacher.

I think the light

was hurting her eyes.

Yep, yep, yep.

Enough of this

girlie-girlie talk.

As long as we

have Mamie here,

we oughta let her know

what the plans are

for Patrick's career.

Dwight Babcock and I

have that coordinated.

When the kiddies

return from

their honeymoon,

I want Patrick

to take his choice.

With my connections,

I can slip him

into a berth

on Madison Avenue

or a seat on

the stock exchange.

A seat and a berth--

my Patrick--

oh, pardon me.

I'm so sorry.

Say, you're a pretty

fast drinker.

I'm way ahead

of you.

You don't happen to like

gin, do you, Mamie?

I adore it.

Good. After dinner,

we'll get out the cards

and play.

Now the problem

of what to give

the kiddies for

a wedding present,

and I've got that

all settled, too.

Here's my idea,

Mamie.

Why don't we

get together,

you and I,

and buy the

newlyweds that?

What?

That lot

right next door.

Wouldn't that

make

a wedding

present, though?

We could take

out this wall,

and their patio

would come smack

up against ours.

You couldn't tell

where one left off

and the other one

began.

You wouldn't

be losing a daughter.

You'd be gaining a patio.

Yeah. We got to

work fast, though.

There are

some people

bidding

on that property...

- Wrong kind.

- Oh?

Yeah, a fella

named Epstein.

Abraham Epstein.

The cellist?

How lucky you are.

All that glorious music

right next door.

She's a darling, one of

the nicest women I've met.

You don't understand

quite how it is up here,

but this section

is restricted

only up to

our property line.

We feel we have

an obligation to make sure

that...well...

you know.

Tell you what.

I'll buy it.

We'll divvy it up

50-50.

You won't have to

worry about a thing.

My, my, my, my, my.

You've thought

of everything, haven't you?

Laid out Patrick's career,

planned the wedding...

Even chosen my gift.

Well, I guess there's

only one thing left

for me to do.

What's that?

The day you get back

from prickly pines,

I'll give an intimate

family dinner.

Well,

how about that?

Mamie,

that's lovely!

You're a good scout,

Mamie!

By golly,

you're top-drawer!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

That's a very

interesting design,

Mr. Christianson,

but are you sure

you planned it

with that end up?

Well...

That is the beauty

of it, madam.

It can be used

upside-down.

Hello.

Just leave it

outside, please.

I'm so sorry.

You must be Patrick Dennis.

Guilty. Are you guilty

of all of this?

No. I'm not the decorator.

I'm your aunt's

private secretary, Pegeen Ryan.

How do you do?

Hello.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

I've been away

all summer.

Been a lot of changes

around here.

Leave it to

my Auntie Mame.

Where did she

dig up this stuff?

This is the only set

of its kind

in the universe.

It's made by

the famous Danish

designer, Yul Uhlu.

Who?

Yul Uhlu.

Say that

to the right fella,

and you'll get kissed.

Oh, incidentally,

congratulations.

I hear you're getting

married next week.

Week from next Tuesday.

The old ball and chain.

Oh, gee,

I wish I'd said that.

How about,

"the first 100 years

are the hardest"?

That's a good one.

How about, "marriage is

a great institution...

Yeah, but who wants to be

in an institution?"

Well, that's

enough of that.

Patrick!

Patrick,

my little love!

Ohh! I'm so glad

to see you, darling.

Did you have a good time

at Upsy Pinesy?

I had a wonderful time!

I'll tell you about it.

Now, what is the idea--

I have to go to Montebank.

Doris insisted.

They adored you,

but why did you change--

I'm so relieved.

I want everything to be

extra-special tonight.

And to give the Upsons

as cozy a time

as they gave me.

Now, Pegeen, dear--

ooh, I forgot

the horror.

Would somebody give me

a hand with the ladder?

Patrick, the ladder.

Pegeen.

Now, the fish food.

Where's the fish food?

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Agnes, mustn't nibble

on the hors d'oeuvres.

You'll get fat.

I'm sorry,

Mrs. Burnside.

Gee...I try to do

exactly as you say.

Come and get it.

Come and get it.

- Come along.

- Come along.

You're so wonderful!

Nobody else would

have taken me in,

an outcast of society.

Twaddle!

I'm the grateful one.

You've given me

someone to look after,

now that

I'm losing Patrick.

I wish I had someone

to look after.

Oh, you will,

you will, dear.

Where do you

want this set up?

Right there

will be fine.

Ah!

What's that

supposed to be?

You don't

like it?

It might be a little

avant-garde for the Upsons.

Oh, dear. Pegeen,

take it right down.

I want everything

to be perfect tonight.

I think

it's very unusual.

Agnes!

What's she doing here?

Where else

would she be

in her friendless

condition?

This is one thing

the Upsons simply

won't understand!

We don't need

to talk about it.

Perhaps

they won't notice.

They're here!

They're here!

Will somebody

help me get this down?

Help her, darling.

Leave it up.

Get the ladder

out of here.

Norah, Ito, somebody

answer the door.

I'll get it.

Oh, no, you don't!

Agnes, go to your

room and stay there.

But what'll I do,

Mrs. Burnside?

Sleep, Agnes, knit,

start making up names--

Rudolph, Abigail,

Beulah, Clara, anything.

Welcome to

the Burnside fireside.

Mamie!

How I have

looked forward

to this evening.

Come in.

And Claude.

Well, good

to see you, Mamie!

Ah, ah, ah!

And little glory.

I can't tell you

how pleased I am

to see you again.

Yes, dear.

My!

Say!

My, my, my, my, my!

Hi, everybody.

Well, hello, son.

Patrick!

Gloria.

Say, I made up

the best joke

on the way up

in the elevator.

Listen to this.

Why is an elevator

man's job

like my place

in Connecticut?

Give up?

Almost.

Well,

I'll tell you.

Because it has

its ups and downs!

You get it?

Upson downs!

Clever.

Clever.

Well, you just think

of those things...

Do sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Aah!

Doris! Oh, you're not

comfortable there, dear.

The marvelous thing is that

these are all adjustable.

This is the master control.

Each chair

has its own cord.

Let me see, Doris.

You are number 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Now, here we go.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Claude!

So sorry, Claude.

You are number 4.

Doris, you must be

number 5.

Auntie Mame!

Patrick, really,

you're confusing me!

Now, Doris...

Here you are. 5.

Going up!

Oh!

There you go. Ah...

Ah! Oh!

Isn't it wonderful, Doris?

So easy to sweep under.

Now, Claude, here we go.

Hang on to your seatbelt.

Down you go! Oh, my,

what supple legs you have.

You must have been

studying yogi.

Here are the drinks.

Mamie!

Oh, so sorry,

Doris, dear!

Ah...there we are,

going down to the main floor.

Cigars, cigarettes,

lingerie, hardware.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, dear!

Well, now, Patrick...

And little glory.

Oh, and here's

uncle Dwight.

Claude?

Dwight!

Well, how are you?

Mr. Babcock.

Mrs. Burnside. We must have

that game of golf soon.

Oh!

Oh, my, my,

my, my, my.

I'm afraid

we'll have to

take that up a bit.

Pegeen, better bring

the ladder again.

Won't you sit down,

Mr. Babcock?

Thank you.

Well, now,

they're almost ready,

the Specialite

de la maison.

I would

like you to meet

Miss Pegeen Ryan.

Take it up a bit,

dear.

It's getting

in people's...Hair.

Claude.

Thank you.

And Doris.

Claude, I am not

going to tell you

one thing that's

in these drinks

because all

the ingredients

are secret.

Oh?

Now, now, now,

just hang on.

Oh! Well.

What do you know?

The trick is

to drink them up fast

before all the alcohol

burns away.

Don't you worry

about a thing, now, Claude.

I'm fully covered

by fire insurance.

Oh!

There, now, Patrick.

There.

And little glory.

A friend of mine,

who may drop in later,

calls this

the flaming Mame.

Who? Who?

Who's going to drop in?

Just family, darling.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Don't be

a scaredy cat, darling.

There's nothing to be

frightened of whatsoever.

There, now.

Are we all lit?

Wouldn't you

be happier

if I fixed you

a daiquiri?

No, no, no.

Not for a minute.

Your aunt Mamie

made this for me.

I'm going to drink it.

It looks just fine.

Mmm! This is spicy!

Try one of

the striped ones, mums.

These a re tasty.

What are they?

Oh, just plain old

pickled rattlesnake.

They're pure protein,

and they always

marinate them

after they

remove the fangs.

Why, Mr. Babcock,

you've gone out.

Don't bother,

Mrs. Burnside.

Agnes!

Agnes, I told you

to stay in your room.

But Mrs. Burnside,

it's a quarter past 8:00,

and you told me--

I told you

to take your pills

at a quarter

past 8:00.

But my calcium pills

are in the kitchen.

Auntie Mame!

Is that a member

of the family?

Darned if I know.

It's a member

of somebody's family.

Oh, Doris,

I would like you

to meet my former secretary.

She's a little bit...

She's not quite herself

at the moment.

We know all about

these women's things,

don't we?

What's your name, dear?

Gooch.

You sit right over here

beside me, Mrs. Gooch.

And what does

Mr. Gooch do?

Oh, my father

passed on.

Oh, no.

I mean your husband.

Now, now, Agnes.

Upsy daisy.

Calcium time.

Pegeen, dear.

One thing about Auntie Mame,

she's big-hearted.

When there's ever anybody

in trouble, she's always...

I can see that.

Well, Vera

and Lindsay.

Mame, darling.

Like an opening night

without critics.

Mr. and Mrs. Upson,

Miss Upson,

Mr. Babcock,

I would

like you to meet

my dearest friend,

Vera Charles,

and the publisher,

Mr. Lindsay Woolsey.

I'm charmed to meet you,

all of you.

Miss Charles, I've

just got to tell you

how I adored you in

Mary of Scotland.

Did you, dear?

That was Helen Hayes.

Spirits!

Vera, darling,

can I persuade you

to have a drink?

Yes, dear,

anything but rum.

I've just been

to the most awful party,

where they served

nothing but daiquiris

made with honey.

Mame!

Acacius, darling!

Gnothi Seauton.

Gnothi Seauton.

Oh, lord!

Mr. and Mrs. Upson,

Mr. Babcock,

I would like you to meet

Mr. Acacius Page,

Patrick's first schoolteacher

in New York

and a man who had

a great deal to do

with molding

his character.

Haven't we met before?

I don't

recognize the face.

Acacius, darling,

your lotus juice.

Auntie Mame,

I thought this was going

to be a family night.

Darling, this is

our family.

Pegeen, are you

having trouble?

Give her

a helping hand.

Thank you.

Thanks,

Lochinvar.

Courtesy of the house.

Look,

I'm all right.

You've got problems

enough of your own.

Don't I, though?

That's a pretty picture,

I must say.

Yes, isn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I want to propose a toast.

To this lovely

young couple

as they start up

the ladder of life

together.

Oh, no, no,

Auntie Vera.

This isn't Gloria.

That's Gloria.

Pity.

Mame, I brought

you something.

What is it,

Lindsay?

Be careful.

The ink's wet.

My book!

Look, everybody, I'm in print,

just like Edna Ferber.

Auntie Mame,

you did it!

I never knew

you went on with it.

Patrick,

you had vision.

The way he managed

it, Mame,

he's just like you.

My little lifesaver, Patrick!

And Lindsay!

Patrick, you ol' meanie,

why didn't you tell me

your aunt

was literate?

Mame, am I mentioned

in your book?

Mentioned?

You're exposed.

Let's drink a toast to

Live, Live, Live,

by Mame Dennis Burnside.

Step right up

now, folks,

and get your

red-hot chapters.

I've been to so many

wonderful parties here.

Now I'll find out

how they all ended.

I forgot

about that time

we almost got caught

in the speakeasy.

I was about 10 then.

Here's all about

the roller skates

and uncle Beau

and that Christmas

we were so broke.

Patrick.

My little Patrick.

You could write

a whole book

about what

happened to me.

I beg your pardon,

Gloria?

You could write

a whole book

about what

happened to me.

Oh? Oh, thank you.

Yes. Bunny Bixler and I

were in the semifinals--

the very semifinals,

mind you--

of the ping-pong

tournament at the club,

and this

ghastly thing happened.

We were both playing

way over our heads,

and the score was 29-28,

and we had this

really terrific volley,

and I stepped back to get

this really terrific shot...

And I stepped

on the ping-pong ball.

Well, I just

squashed it to bits.

Then Bunny and I ran

to the closet

of the game room

to get another

ping-pong ball,

and the closet was locked.

Imagine!

We had to call

the whole thing off.

Well, it was ghastly!

Well, it was

just ghastly!

But it was amusing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's hilarious!

What is?

Your story.

I'm so proud!

The whole last chapter's

all about me.

"Fighting the...

"Stigma of...

The unwed mother."

Mr. Upson,

you lucky devil,

your future

son-in-law's featured

in one of the raciest

books of the year.

Patrick, I had no idea

how many times

you unzipped me

and put me to bed.

Now just a minute!

There are

young people here!

Mr. Upson,

I only did it

when Miss Charles

had passed out.

Well!

Thank you, Ito.

Don't tell me

she can't come!

Who? Who?

Who can't come?

That divine woman with

the snakes we met in Paris.

She promised to

entertain after dinner.

Vera, loan me

your glasses.

"Read of forthcoming

publication of our book.

"Hereby serve notice

that am entitled

"to 1/2 of royalties

for invaluable services

as editor and coauthor."

Brian!

Brian!

"Will return

in a few days

to claim fruits

of collaboration."

"My claim

will be substantiated

by my wife,

Agnes Gooch O'Banion."

- Wife?

- Wife?

Agnes.

Think, Agnes, think!

Think?

Try!

Maybe that wasn't

a movie we went to.

Maybe that wasn't

Gary Cooper.

It was Brian,

and the girl was...

- Me!

- Agnes!

I'm a bride!

Oh, darling,

congratulations!

Oh, isn't it wonderful,

Patrick?

Oh, darling,

I'm so happy for you!

Honey, isn't this

terrific?

This is revolting.

How can you associate

with people who--

who aren't

absolutely top-drawer?

Come on, these are

my oldest friends,

people who

brought me up.

A bunch of riffraff.

I hope when we marry

you won't invite

people like this

to our house.

Who will be

coming to our house?

Bunny Bixler

and Muriel Puce?

What's wrong

with Muriel puce?

Nothing, except she has

the I.Q. Of a dead battery.

As for your other

addlepated girlfriends,

they're a lot of vain,

selfish, empty bigots!

Well!

Mame, it's marvelous!

You'll make a fortune

out of this book.

She certainly will,

but not for herself.

Mame's assigned

all her royalties

to the Epstein home

in Montebank.

Epstein the cellist?

What about

Montebank?

Can't the Epsteins

afford their own home?

Vera, they're not

going to live there.

They're building

a home there

for refugee

Jewish children.

What's that?

Oh, no!

- Oh!

- No!

Jackpot!

Pegeen, call Denmark quick

and get ahold of Yul uhlu.

You maniac!

Are you all right,

Doris?

You ready?

I've been ready

for quite some time.

Come, glory.

You...

You!

Claude. Claude!

Don't be hasty!

Claude! Claude!

Claude!

Oh!

For 9 years,

Mame Dennis Burnside,

I have done everything

in my power

to protect this boy

from your idiotic,

cockeyed nincompoopery!

And now you've

ruined everything.

All my plans for Patrick

have just gone down--

Your plans?

You have the bill of fare,

haven't you?

You're shouting orders

for everyone.

Did it occur to you

this boy might be hungry

for something you've

never even heard of?

When Patrick first

walked into my life,

a frightened little boy,

hanging on to Norah's hand,

it was love

at first sight.

For 9 years,

I've tried to open

some windows in his life.

You want to shut him up

in some safe-deposit box!

I won't let you do that

to my little one.

Oh, no.

He's not little anymore.

And he's not mine,

but he's not yours,

Mr. Babcock.

Patrick won't allow you

to settle him down

in some dry-veined

restricted community,

make him an Aryan

from Darien,

and marry him to a girl

with braces on her brains.

Hee hee hee hee!

Mame, did you

deliberately

plan all this?

Don't be ridiculous,

Vera.

You know Patrick always

makes all his own decisions.

Rattlesnake, anyone?

Thank you...

Lady Iris.

Charmed...

Lord Dudley.

Punjab, India.

June 28, 1946.

Mr. and Mrs. Patrick Dennis,

224 east 50th street,

New York.

Dear Patrick and Pegeen,

arriving from India

June 31st.

Please meet me

Beekman Place apartment.

Must return India

in 2 weeks

when uncle Lindsay will have

finished his course

in yoga.

Auntie Mame?

Auntie Mame!

What were you

doing in there?

Oh, just giving Michael

his presents, darling.

Look, dad.

Which is the front,

Auntie Mame?

Oh, my little love,

let me help you.

There, now.

Salaam for your mother

like Auntie Mame

just taught you.

Ah, very good,

sahib.

That's not

a real sword, is it?

It's a scimitar.

Oh, dear.

That's what

I always say.

In Hindustani,

that means,

"the water oxen are

waiting at the gate."

My water oxen's

waiting at Idlewild,

pan American flight 100

for Karachi.

Oh, Michael,

if I could only

show you India--

the color,

the splendor, the mystery,

the elephants

in the streets.

Now, Auntie Mame.

I know. I know.

I shouldn't even

bring up the possibility

of Michael's going

to India with me.

But Auntie Mame said

she'd love to have me.

She said so

right in there.

It's ridiculous, darling.

I won't hear of it.

Dad?

Look, it's out

of the question.

You heard

your mother.

You know what

your trouble is?

You don't

live, live, live!

Life is a banquet,

and most poor suckers

are starving to death.

Oh, there's one thing

you've got to remember.

School begins the day

after labor day.

He must be back

by then.

Naturally.

Of course.

Labor day.

That's sometime in

November, isn't it?

It's the first week in

September, Auntie Mame.

Labor. The problem of labor

in India is gargantuan.

What's gargantuan,

Auntie Mame?

Oh, Michael,

on the plane

I'll give you

a pad and pencil,

and you can write down

all the words

you don't understand.

Well, now, I've been out

shopping all morning

for your traveling gear,

so let's go upstairs

and try things on.

Oh, Michael, I'm going

to open doors for you,

doors you never

even dreamed existed.

I give up.

She's the pied Piper.

Oh, what times

we're going to have.

What vistas we're going

to explore together.

We'll spend a day

at an ancient Hindu temple.

The head monk is a friend

of Auntie Mame's.

Perhaps he'll let you

ring the temple bells

that bring

the monks to prayer.

There, on the highest tower

on a clear day,

you can see the Taj Mahal.

Beyond that

is a beautiful...