Attila flagello di Dio (1982) - full transcript
The misadventures of Attila and his band of barbarians as they take up arms against the Roman Empire in their native Milano.
More than 2000 years ago
in the suburb of Milan that today
it's called Segrate,
primitive men lived
of unheard of ferocity and violence: The Barbarians!
IMO!
Wasp! It stings! It hurts!
Thank you.
Pronati!
Straight!
I see hairy and wild pigs.
Are there-there-boars?
Cinghialo!
Pronati!
How many boars are there?
Prendi!
One big one and many little pigs.
You, Godmar the Mighty, make stones for all!
You bald head! Hand over the skull.
- A stone to me!
- One for me!
On with the hunt!
IMO!
Surround them!
May you no longer remain a pig!
Stop, pig!
Pointer, forward!
Godmar, take the pig!
After you!
Take this hammer!
Use force!
- What's this? - Hunting accident.
I traded Puntario for a pig.
For a pig?
Hammer!
Giallo, funeral drumroll!
- Puntario was a baby.
- And now he's dead!
They have mistaken him for pork
and Odin has taken him!
He has taken him!
I take the biggest pork.
- Why do you take it?
- Because I'm the king.
- Why must you always be
the king? - Who must be?
Why does Ardarico
always be the king?
Couldn't it be another?
For example...
- Couldn't he be the king?
- He has royal grandeur.
- He's also strong. - I can
be I the king.
To be the king you have to challenge me.
What are you challenging me to?
I challenge you to iron paw.
So much for the paw!
- Come on!
- Push!
- Come on! - Good boy!
- Like this!
Godmar, I bet everything on you.
Smash his foot!
Maciullagli the pig trotter!
Who must be the king?
Now who is the king?
- Ardarico is the king!
- Who is the king?
- Always Ardarico!
- Who is the king? - Ardarico!
- I don't hear a voice!
- Which one?
Yours! Who is the king?
- It seems to me that you are the king.
- Who is the king?
Our only great king is you!
- The sun goes down! - The village is
some distance away! - Females are waiting.
IMO!
In the same hour, in camp
Roman explorers crossed the border
for one of their recurring raids
in barbarian land...
- What did you find? - A village,
but there were no men.
- Where were they? - Hunting.
- What was in the village?
Meat, flour and lots of horses.
- The females?
- In the fields planting rice.
Go! Serpicio!
- Serpicio!
- Here I am, Commander Fusco Cornelio.
- You have to do one thing. - I heard everything.
- Then do this raid.
- Yes. - Serpicio! This time
bring the women alive!
- They are barbarians! They are worse
than wild beasts! - And?
- They'll even defend themselves
with their teeth. - Go!
The men are having fun
and we females do the work!
Do the work!
The men go hunting
and we females do the work!
Do the work!
I don't like husking rice.
I will plant it!
I will plant it!
Every day is a party for the men,
I'm tired of fussing!
Tired of fussing!
He dresses like a boss
and he likes to command.
Command!
He smoothes his beard and belly
and we work hard!
We work hard!
- Take her!
- Stop!
Take that one!
Turn, over there!
That other one too!
Here's another one!
Take her!
Use force!
Are you scared?
Leave that one to me!
- Do you give up, blonde?
- Come and get me, Roman!
Beautiful, come here!
Put this savage on the horse.
Let's go back to camp!
The barbarians after hunting
returned to the village
- Why are you following me?
- Because you are the king!
- Why do we follow you?
- Because I'm the king!
Why do we follow you?
Because you are the king.
Mamma! Papa!
What a mess! The village is
destroyed! All mangled!
Spare my life!
I don't want to die!
Don't kill me!
Osvaldo, calm down! We are!
We who?
- Grippa, Gibuldo and the king!
Take it easy! - What happened? Speak!
The Romans arrived!
Iron, flames, swords descending!
Arrows flying! They took
away all the stuff to eat!
Who cares!
We have fresh pigs. We will eat those.
They took all the females too!
- The females? - Yes!
- Are you really complaining?
You are the one who lost the least
because they stole that dwarf from you!
They even stole the horses!
Precious horses?
Did they steal my horses?
- Why didn't you defend them?
- The Romans came from everywhere.
- They were many! - What's the hand
that did not defend my horses?
This!
Give me the hammer. Put your hand down
on the stone. Are you ready?
Ardarico! Ardarico!
Barbarians!
Men of unprecedented violence!
Of unheard-of ferocity!
Children of the god Odin!
I, your king, tell you
that this time the Romans...
..went too far
and so I tell you that...
..what goes around comes around! It's clear?
- Of course!
Do you know which is the city of the Romans,
let's say the plump one...
.. let's say the most overbearing one
is it bigger?
- Rome!
- Well done, you guessed right.
Romans, Rome! I would have guessed by myself.
I wanted to see if you knew.
Rome! I tell you, barbarians...
..that we will raze Rome to the ground.
We will put Rome to meat and fish!
Where we pass not even a blade
of grass will grow anymore!
- It's clear?
- Of course!
Then barbarians, IMO in Rome!
- To Rome! To Rome!
- One moment!
Ardarico says to go to Rome.
But how do we go to Rome
if we don't have horses?
Gallop! Gallop!
Forward!
Forward! I am not joking!
Donkeys!
Hurry up! Feel the whip!
Push! Beast!
How am I to tell you? Push!
- Forward!
- Halt! Stop!
How dare you stop the wagon?
Because you are comfortable on the wagon
and we pull it like horses?
You are not horses, but you are
donkeys and I'm the king!
Somebody else could be king?
For example... Here he is!
Couldn't he be the king?
He has the noble features of a king!
Does he have noble features?
But where? Where?
- Couldn't I be the king?
- Did my ears hear well?
You, bald head, would you like to be the king?
- Yes, I dare you! - What are
you challenging me to, bald head?
Iron head!
Iron head? All right.
- Who is the king?
- You are the king!
My ears have not heard
that shrill, loud voice...
..which often comes
out of our tribe. Why?
I didn't hear that loud voice either!
You are the king! It's you!
Look at the sky!
Darkness eats the sun!
- Light goes out!
- Night is hunting day!
The sky has become black!
- The wind blows!
- A storm grows!
Odin is pissed!
I tell you that Odin is against us!
This is a sign of him!
He doesn't want IMO in Rome!
You speak because you have a mouth!
Perepé! Perepé! Perepé here here!
Odin is with us!
- Who says Odin is with us?
- The sorceress!
- What sorceress?
- The sorceress Columbia!
- The sorceress Columbia
hears the voice of Odin. - It is true!
Let's go to the sorceress!
We need two volunteers!
Tartufo! And you, Cornuto! IMO!
- IMO! - The sorceress Columbia!
- She knows everything!
- Stop!
- Here is Columbia!
IMO from Columbia!
IMO!
Barbarians, what do you want from me?
Sorceress Columbia, here we are
me and my men...
..to ask you a favor.
I need you to have
a conversation with god Odin...
..and tell him
that a group of barbarians...
..had their village razed to the ground...
..by a group of fierce Romans.
These barbarians would like
to raze Rome to the ground...
..the city of the Romans,
as the name says. Right?
They would like to know
if god Odin agrees.
- What do you give me in return? - A couple
of pigs, a deer, an ibex!
- We could make a human sacrifice!
- With who? - You!
I can butcher him! I sacrifice him!
Why me?
I want that stone.
Better the stone than the slaughter!
- I would have preferred to slit your throat.
- Give the stone to the sorceress!
Are you a real sorceress?
What if she was a cheater?
Shut up, you donkey!
She really made you an ass!
- I'm a donkey! - What are you
complaining about? Better for you!
Instead of walking, you can go
stretching or galloping!
Here, sorceress! Talk to us! Speak!
Talk with god Odin!
What are you looking at? - Odin says
that there will be a barbarian...
- A barbarian? - It's me!
- Who will take vengeance on the Romans.
- Maybe it's me! - Impossible!
- Proud and Tall! - Here because!
- Strong and muscular.
- Muscular!
Endowed with great courage
and ruthless ferocity.
- Smart too, right?
- Shh! - He said yes!
He will be vengeful and bloodthirsty.
- I'm already thirsty!
- He will release flames, iron and fire!
He will bring violence, ruin and destruction.
He will be called the scourge of god, Attila!
Attila, the brother of god!
- God's scourge!
- It's the same!
From today my name will be Attila!
- God's scourge!
- Your name is Ardarico!
- Attila could be me!
- What's my name?
- Attila, it seems to me.
- Ciuccio, what's my name?
- Attila!
- Good boy Ciuccio!
Thank you, my beautiful and
fresh sorceress Columbia.
I salute you, but before saying goodbye...
..I intercede for the donkey.
When he was human, he sucked.
But now he's worse!
Make him human again.
Do Attila a favor!
Thanks, I'm back to human!
How disgusting! He was better as a donkey.
As punishment, every full moon
he will turn into a donkey.
A werewolf donkey!
Shut up! Shut up!
- We will sell them as slaves in Rome.
- Will we make money with these?
Ahh! Who is this?
- A pain in the ass!
- Really?
- Her name is Uraia and she must be
their boss. - How much she stinks!
- But I like her.
- Me too.
- What?
- Shouldn't I like her?
No! Ouch! What are you doing?
- Damn you! She almost bit it off!
- She also kicks!
- Really? - Yes. - Get her washed
and then take her to my tent.
Fuscus Cornelius!
- Did you get rid of the smell?
- Yes.
I also perfumed her.
It's champagne!
There!
There!
Drink, Uraia!
You do not like it?
I understand what you want!
Come!
Are you crazy!
Do you barbarians make love like this?
Who taught you that?
Giallo!
- Run away! I'll take care of the Romans.
- Thank you, Uraia.
- Quickly!
- IMO!
Wake up, Romans! Come out!
- Take me! I am Uraia!
- What happened? - The slaves escaped!
- Stop her!
- Quickly! Take her!
Let's chase her!
Use force!
Quickly!
Oh! Oh! Gallop!
Gallop!
How many times do I have to tell you?
Halt! Here begins
Roman territory! Stop!
None shall pass! Who are you?
Barbarians!
- What do you want?
- To destroy Rome!
Where I pass, the grass
no longer grows, dear!
- What is your name?
- Attila!
- What?
- Attila!
- What?
- Attila! Are you deaf?
Are you a tribe of handicapped?
''A'' for atrocities!
Double ''T''
as in earthquake and tragedy!
The as wrath of god!
''L'' as lake of blood!
''A'' as now I'm coming
and to kick your ass!
Bring me the weapons!
Load the catapult! Quickly!
Briazio is dead!
They wrecked our wagon
and they killed Briazio.
They have one hell of a machine that
throws boulders like pebbles.
Action must be taken.
I need a volunteer.
- I'm not well!
- No? You, come volunteer!
Let's go smash them, give me the hammer.
Not this! This!
You, open the way for me. Go!
I will follow you and tear them apart.
IMO to defeat them!
Good boy! Open the way for your king,
bald head! Good boy!
IMO!
- Do you recognize me now?
- Yes! - Who am I?
- You are Attila!
- Take that!
Now splash around, you stupid fish!
The Romans are defeated.
How many losses have we had?
Giallo, funeral drumroll!
- Briazio was strong!
- And now he's dead!
The stone crushed him
and Odin has taken him!
- Odin has taken him!
- IMO!
Stop! There is someone in the tree.
Who are you?
Uraia. My village has been
burned and I fled from the Romans.
- Come down and show yourself.
- I can't, I'm naked.
Here, I see. He crossed the river.
He defeated the Romans over
a bridge and now advances towards Rome.
- I'm happy for him.
- He wants to put the city on fire.
- He wants revenge. - Is he
our own king Ardarico?
Now he calls himself Attila.
But you can't stay here.
You have to run to him and help him.
Soon Attila will need you.
Do what is written.
Wait! You will have to go through lands
full of wild beasts and Romans.
I'm not afraid, I'm a barbarian.
This will help you in need.
Go, Uraia!
Stop!
- Stop!
- Stop!
Shut up everyone! What do I hear, Giallo?
What do you think the noise is?
Good, I thought so too.
It must be something very fierce.
An animal! A hideous beast
that comes from beyond the grave!
IMO will see!
Come on, my Sprodi!
- Who are you?
- Renolto.
- Are you Roman?
- No! Barbarian.
- Barbarian?
- A barbarian!
Renolto the unleashed, come with us.
- Where are you going?
- To conquer Rome.
No, you are crazy!
I came down from Gallia with many men.
- The Romans broke our asses!
- All the Galletti?
All dead!
I was left alone and chained.
How many are these Romans?
We'll break their asses!
- Seventy times a thousand. - What?
- More than us?
- Seventy times a thousand!
- We are not familiar with the numbers.
You should explain it to us with reeds.
The reeds!
Thirty-six thousand and one. And two,
and three, and four, and five, and six!
Renolto stop. We understand.
Barbarians, I have a good idea to offer you.
- Tell us! - Tell us.
- Let's go home.
- Hurray! - Come back!
- Let's go home!
- Good boy!
- Thank you.
Well done, nice idea!
You are a military genius!
I'm glad there was...
..a nice democratic vote!
We are barbarians,
but we are also democrats.
- Right!
- At this point it's my turn to vote.
My vote is unfortunately against
yours. I vote to go to Rome.
It's an order. IMO in Rome!
Why are you following me?
Because I'm the king!
We follow you because you are our king!
Why are you following me?
Barbarians! Where are you going?
Are you going around the hill to scare me?
To prank me?
Barbarians! I'm losing my patience!
It's an order! You have to follow
behind me. It's clear?
I'm telling you for the last time.
It's an order! Stop!
No? Then I'll come
and let's see what happens!
I'm coming!
I told you I'd show you!
Why have you bound your king like a salami?
Shame on you!
Molla! Do you want to dump me?
My wrath!
My wrath! What can I do to you?
- The Romans are blocking our way!
- We can not pass!
I stopped you! Uraia!
- It's Uraia! Not the Romans!
- You don't have to tell us!
We see that it is her.
I will come down!
Where are you going? The Romans are
over there. And you are the barbarians?
Odin's children never turn
their backs on the enemy.
- Attila, you also had yourself tied up.
- They took me by surprise.
The sorceress told me
that Odin is with us. IMO in Rome.
There are many Romans.
In Rome we will all be killed!
- They'll tear us apart!
- I have an idea!
Now women have ideas too?
Silence! Just go through the places
where there are no Romans.
- Come on! - I have an idea. Just pass
through places where there are no Romans.
- Nice idea! Right!
- Of course.
- Nice idea! - But where are they?
The places where there are no Romans?
We will advance through forests,
deserted and desolate lands.
I have an idea. We will advance
between forests, wastelands...
..mosses, lichens and mushrooms! Right?
- Nice idea!
- Yes.
Uraia, jump back up
on your mound. Until we meet again.
- No, I'm coming with you.
It is written on the sword. - Me too!
- I want to settle the score
with the Romans. - Where it is written?
- On the chains!
- I too have a small bill to settle...
..since when is the day when
they count! With a little man!
- A slimy, putrid being
that stinks! - Who is? - A traitor!
- Tell me! Who is?
- Who do you want who is?
Piccinunum! Martellum!
Give me a whack on the arm as a joke?
No dear. Where do we give the hammer?
- Where should he give it to me?
- Nice idea, Giallo!
You, the groin has smashed us!
- And we'll smash your groin!
Giallo, drumroll! - One moment!
- Prepare him for punishment!
- No! Please, no! - Ready?
Water! I am thirsty!
Water!
It's empty!
- Water.
- Water! Water!
Look! Water! A lot!
Like the lake near our village!
- But it's much bigger!
- IMO to water!
Water!
- Water!
- Drink!
Water!
Stop, it's not good!
Don't drink, it's bad!
- That water doesn't quench your thirst!
- Tartufo, bring me a drink!
It's not good!
- Give it to me!
- Here!
It's salty! It is completely undrinkable!
It's not a lake, it's the ocean!
That's why it sucks! It's shit!
The ocean, the sea! A large salty
lake populated by fish and monsters!
Our fate is cruel!
Dying of thirst in front of so much water!
- Men, IMO to die!
- IMO!
I die here!
- I die here.
- I die here.
I die here.
I let myself die here.
I die here.
- Politeo, are you dead?
- Not yet. You?
- How do you die? - Do you remember
how you were born? Is the opposite!
Maybe we need to turn around.
We can't die with this mess!
- Can I die next to you?
- Just don't take my shade away.
- I am sorry.
- For what?
You know, I'm thinking...
Now women think
even before you die? Is it a sign?
Yes. I'm thinking we could pass
life together...
..having our own hut, many children!
- Everyone has their own hut!
If you came to say this nonsense...
..Die elsewhere!
- I will die with you. I'll will keep quiet.
All right.
Rain! Rain!
Water! It falls!
- Rain! - Water!
- Water!
We thank the god Odin
which is on our side!
Rain!
Odin sends water!
IMO in Rome beautiful fresh!
Oh ha! Oh ha!
Oh ha! Oh ha! Oh ha!
- Oh! Ah! - Because you always stay
on the bridge...
..to say Oh ha and we row.
Why?
You wonder why every time
I say Oh ha!
I repeat the same things over and over again!
I told you I'm the king.
It's clear? Oh! Ah!
Oh ha! Oh ha!
Oh ha! Oh ha!
Oh ha!
One moment, one moment!
I hear something!
Where does this subtle and
wonderful voice come from? Look!
I see a woman half human and half fish!
That's a deceiving mermaid!
She's a monster!
Galletto, let me hear the singing!
Why is she laughing?
Fish woman is gone!
She's gone!
There are stones in the water!
- There's water everywhere. - It is an island.
- What do you mean island?
- That we are in deep shit.
- In the sea? - No, shit!
With that face a bit like this...
..that expression a bit like that
we have who have seen Genoa.
- I hear a voice!
- A boat! A boat!
Hey, handsome man!
Who are you?
We are barbarians! We have to get to Rome.
Will you taking us to the mainland?
He brings us!
- No!
- He doesn't get us. Why?
I don't trust you because you are barbarians.
Who says you don't steal my boat?
I say so! King's word!
I swear! Let him die!
I swear to god Odin!
What do you give me? We Ligurians
don't make bargains for nothing!
We can't give you anything because
we lost everything in the shipwreck.
You have something I need.
That blonde whore!
Do you need her?
What is she for him?
- What's the use to him?
- No! I'm not going with him.
- I don't want to go. - She does not
want go with you, inexplicably!
Pity! I would have taken you to Maremma
which is near Rome.
Too bad because he could take us to Maremma.
I don't want to force your decision.
For God's sake!
We who are barbarians always
have freedom of choice.
- But why don't you go?
- No! - She said she's coming!
Concluding the exchange with the Ligurian
Attila and his men landed in Maremma
-
- Goodbye, Uraia!
- Thanks for the ride to Maremma.
- Greetings! - Gross!
Wretch! Bastard!
Exaggerated! With all the people
suffering in the world!
Attila, I will return!
I am waiting for you! Until we meet again!
Men, IMO!
Here's the money!
For such a beautiful slave
do you give me so little?
- Here! - If I give you news
that you want, how much do you give me?
- Ligurian, I gave you too much already.
- It is about a certain Attila.
- What name did you say?
- Attila!
Attila?
That son of a bitch that slay
the guards on the bridge?
Where is he?
- Here. - I left him in Maremma
in a cursed place.
Without weapons, without food
and without game he will die!
Thank you Ligurian!
Fate brought us together again, I'm happy.
- Not me!
- Barbarian, I want to make you a proposal.
I want to make you a Roman.
I want to marry you.
Think about it? A beautiful house on the Aventino...
..jewels, slaves!
And then you would elevate yourself socially!
What do you think about it?
You are stubborn! Then rot here
until you reconsidered.
Hungry! Hungry!
Hungry!
Worm!
Nice! Good!
No, it's mine!
Look!
Look!
What is that animal?
Looks like a bird to me!
Is it a chicken?
- It's winged! - Look
how fat it is! Look!
Look how meaty and appetizing it is!
It hid behind the branches!
Get the bird!
Be ruthless! Giallo, drumroll!
- Let's get it!
- It's behind the bush!
Take that!
- My mouth is watering.
- Are you telling me? - It's not just you and me.
Bring it here!
What hideous beast this is?
What a disgusting animal! Pluck it!
- It's a man! - If there were two,
it would be better. We would eat more.
What will be the best part?
The arm? I will taste.
- It's good. Now we eat him.
- Eat a man alive?
- You are barbarians!
- Do you gulls eat them dead?
That's why you have bad breath!
If you want, that shit.
- Stop!
- Do you want to die alive?
Let me speak. Are you hungry?
Otherwise I wouldn't eat crap like you!
I'll take you where there are salamis,
hams, beef...
.. lambs, kids,
piglets, eggs! - Eggs? - Eggs?
- And wheat buns.
- Where is all this good food?
- To Saturnia! - Saturnio?
- Near my house.
- Then take us! - Let's go.
- IMO to Saturnio!
Stop, that's Saturnia.
Wait here my villagers
are suspicious.
If they see you, they are afraid. I will let you in.
Go!
- He's a good man.
- Is very ugly.
Aesthetically he's crap
but he is a good man.
Who is it? - I'm Goricchio
of the Rione dell'Oca. Open up.
Open.
- Close! Here come the barbarians!
- The barbarians!
Here come the barbarians! Let's run away!
Close the doors!
Shut the doors!
He seemed good, but also morally
he was crap...
..as well as aesthetically!
What will we do?
Keep calm.
I'm going to talk with the villagers.
From when the world began,
the devil was with humans...
..it always served a purpose. Calm down.
Hey, villagers!
Come out, I have come to talk to you.
I'm Attila...
..the king of the barbarians!
You are lucky.
I didn't come to iron
and set fire to your beautiful village.
I didn't come to burn you to the ground.
I want to have a talk!
Let me enter the castle for a moment.
Maybe there's a nice tavern
and we can eat something.
We can eat chicken,
we can eat ...
..deer, moose, ostrich!
River octopus, which is very good...
Let us in for a moment!
Fool! Stupid!
Dumb to me that I'm the king?
Hurry!
Set the castle on fire!
Come on, my Sprodi!
Destroy everything!
Come on, barbarians!
Destroy it! I do not want to see one
stone left standing. It's clear?
After you!
Over there!
- Tartufo, throw the stone!
- Throw the rope!
Make way for the most powerful stone!
It holds!
It doesn't hold!
Take them!
Giallo, climb the rope!
Climb up!
Two! I took out two!
Godmar the mighty,
I saw a pulley between the battlements!
He raises Piccinunum!
Lore said you go up you!
Jump on the blackbird!
Beware of hot oil!
Help me! Fire! Burn!
- Help me!
- Piss!
Burn!
Thank you!
Renolto got pierced by a spear!
Attila, the men can no longer resist.
They can't do it anymore!
Do we retreat?
Never! Attila never retreats!
- Let's retreat!
- Right!
Quickly too!
Victory!
Mamma, what a beating we took!
We are all spent!
We hope that the night brings us advice.
Is anyone missing?
Renolto! Renolto is dead!
Renolto! Renolto!
- Renolto is dead, but there
are those who are worse! - Who?
- There are worse misfortunes.
- It is true.
I'm sorry for Renolto
because he was a good man.
Giallo, funeral drumroll!
- Renolto was the smartest.
- And now he's dead!
Like a thrush he was skewered
and Odin has taken him!
- Odin has taken him!
- Enough!
Attila! Attila!
With the full moon I turned into a donkey.
But you're better off this way!
Even physically you seem
more lively and muscular.
A donkey? Wait a moment!
A wonderful idea just came to me!
With you tonight I will take
possession of the city.
It's a very clever plan.
I will whisper it in your ear.
- Who knocks at the door?
It's me, I'm a gift!
- What? The barbarians are gone
and they left me as a gift.
A gift for us? Open the door!
- What a beautiful donkey!
- Go slowly, you're hurting me!
Let's go!
- Stop!
- What is it, baker?
I do not trust him. My nephew is going
to school with the Greek master Sillone...
.. he told me about a horse stuffed with warriors!
- Maybe the donkey has a belly
full of barbarians. - We'll disembowel him...
..and will see right away.
- Gut him!
I can't have barbarians in my belly.
I'm a little donkey!
- The donkey convinced me.
- He can't have anything in his belly.
Do as you like, but I don't trust you!
But wait...!
I'm back to human!
Listen to me! All the men
must be passed out!
- And the females?
- Rape them!
- And you get the gold! - Why?
- Because you are the king!
Right! Nice idea! After you!
Leave me! Don't rape me!
- Rape me! Rape me!
- What are you doing to me? - I'll tell you.
What is this? A gathering of dwarves?
- What do you want?
- We want to kill you! - Stop!
We'll talk about it after class.
Sit down!
How dare you, handsome man...
..to talk to me like this?
Do you know who you are talking to?
I don't know and I don't want to know!
Sit down!
- But... - We have to...
- This is the temple of wisdom.
- Ignorant! - Talk to him,
he called you ignorant.
I talk to both of you. Sit down!
- Be careful how you talk!
- We'll talk about it later.
- We agreed that...
- We'll talk about that later!
- Keep calm!
- You are in the temple of wisdom.
- Sit down! You too!
- Sit down too.
- Silence! - We were
I agree that... - I have to talk.
- Look, I'll pierce you afterwards!
- Silence, ignoramus!
- Ignorant! - Ignorant!
- Don't repeat what I say.
- He's looking at me! He embarrasses me!
- Where is he? - What are you looking at?
We'll talk about that later.
Earlier I was explaining the universe to you.
What a beautiful word, universe!
Without beginning and without end.
- Are you two listening?
- Yes.
The sky is full of stars.
What are the stars?
Spheres! There are small spheres
and bigger ones.
The small spheres are the satellites,
the largest spheres are the planets.
Among all these spheres is the moon.
- I knew this. - Shut up!
Only answer if you are questioned.
- It's clear? - Just answer
when you are questioned.
- Shut up or I'll cut you off!
- We were left on the moon.
- You know the moon, right?
- Yes!
White, bright, pale!
You ! Do you know what the moon is?
- It's a satellite. - Good boy.
- Lucky he didn't ask us.
Do you know the moon?
- The? The moon? Of course!
- Tell me how big it is.
- How big is the moon?
- I'm asking you!
- How big is the moon?
- The moon is big...
..at least like this!
- No! - Ouch!
- Okay! - Okay!
- Sit down! - Sit down.
- It is bigger.
- Ignorant!
- Cifone! - Sillone!
- I'm amazed at you!
Are you asking him who is ignorant?
Everyone knows how big the moon is.
- Even the dwarfs! You, me! It's a fact
of popular culture. - Good boy.
We want to know from you. How large is it?
If they know, I know and you
know, what do we say to do?
We better say it.
How big is the moon?
- Cifone, stay calm! - Sillone!
- It's so big!
- It is bigger!
- Watch out I'll stick you on the wall!
- The moon is bigger than
this city. - How large is it?
It is bigger than Rome and
all the towns around it.
It is a very large and luminous ball.
- So, Cifone... - Sillone!
- If you say...
..that the moon is as big as a city...
..because at night, while we sleep,
doesn't it fall on our heads?
- Excuse me!
- You tell him, Pierino.
Each planet attracts the
others like a magnet...
..and all remain in perfect balance.
- Good boy! - Good boy!
- Do you mind if I eat him afterwards?
- Shut up!
- It looks sweet to me.
- Now let's change the subject.
Let's go to history.
Let's take advantage of the fact that
there are two barbarians in class...
- Are you really barbarians?
- I am Attila, the king of the barbarians.
- I am viceroy!
- You are nobody.
When was the last invasion
of Rome by the barbarians?
- I know! - Me too.
- I know! Who knows? - He!
It was that of Renolto,
the cocky young man.
I met him. A handsome man.
- No! - An ugly man! - No!
- Medium! - No!
Renolto never arrived
in Rome because they took him!
They chained him.
Indeed, that's how we found him.
- Instead Brenno arrived in Rome.
- I knew it! - Brennero!
- Brenno!
- First Brennero and second Renolto.
What did the Romans do to avoid looting?
They took a scale.
In a dish they put a lot of gold.
Brenno saw the gold, took
the sword and... Pow!
He spat into the scale!
No, he put the sword on the
other side of the balance.
He said the words: "Vae victis"!
Fateful words! What does it mean?
"Woe to the vanquished". To equalize
the weight of the sword...
..the Romans put more gold on the
plate of the balance. It's clear?
Just say "Vevivis", spit the
sword into the plate...
..and you immediately got
double the gold. Nice idea!
The lesson is over for today.
Go.
Stop! Now that class is over,
I'm ready.
- To do what? - Ready?
- To do what? - To die!
- Ah, we said that...
- I'm ready.
Wait!
Where do you find a person
with a big brain...
..and a big nose? It's a shame.
- You, handsome man, Cifone!
- Silone!
All right, Ciphone, Silone!
Attila saves your life!
Go, lucky boy!
- Master, you were born
with the shirt. - With the tunic.
Attila! I, Silone, I promise you
that one day I will repay you!
That guy!
I can understand his good faith...
..but how can he repay Attila?
- Listen!
- Tell me.
Go around the country.
Find me some women.
- Go!
- How many?
- A number...
- Eight?
Many more! Nine! Go!
- Listen to me!
- Attila, look who we got.
Here he is again and he says hello!
It's you, virus!
Now I do see green rats!
Suddenly I see him here in front
of my eyes! Why are you shaking?
- Compassion! I forgive!
- What pity? What forgiveness?
It's too easy to ask for forgiveness.
Are you asking for forgiveness now?
Then bite me, but let me live.
I've already eaten. I have no more
appetite and now you disgust me!
We adopt the law of us barbarians.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth!
Nice idea, bald head!
- You crap!
Did you get our butts kicked? - Yes!
And for the butt you will be punished, dear!
- You and you! Impale him!
- No!
Compassion! Compassion!
Please! I don't want to be impaled!
Watch the virus!
I don't want to die!
The right and deserved rest of the warrior!
We crushed the whole country
and now we rest.
I beg you! Compassion!
- We barbarians do not know mercy.
- Enough!
Silence! Giallo!
Drumroll!
Now the virus who betrayed us...
..there will be vengeance!
Godmar, drop him!
Compassion!
Vengeance!
Did you decide?
Do you want to marry me?
You will answer me when I get back
from the three-day military campaign.
Don't worry, he's an asshole!
You know who he is.
What's the name of that big head
friend of yours? Attila!
Him and four other ragamuffins
they set Saturnia on fire.
But they made a mistake.
They have been there for three
days getting drunk with some women.
- We will exterminate them immediately.
- Fusco! - Yes?
What do you want?
I changed my mind. You are a brave soldier.
I will be your wife.
- We'll talk about it when I get back.
- No, right away. You will not regret it.
You burn with desire, don't you?
I'll look for four witnesses,
so we can have a Roman wedding.
No, barbarians.
For me it has more value.
- Serpicio. Serpicio!
- Don't yell!
- What are you looking at? Give me the dagger.
- Here it is.
It's your turn!
- The blood of my blood
join yours. What are you doing? - Stop!
- I'll kill him!
- Don't bullshit!
- If you move, I'll cut his throat!
- You understand? Keep calm!
- Walk!
- Where are you taking me?
Ouch!
Stop!
She may be a whore's daughter,
but I like her!
- Attila!
- Who's calling me? What is it?
I felt something on my chin.
What was it?
Why are you here in the
middle of the night?
Quickly! Go away!
Outside! Quickly! Go away!
Did you tell them to go away?
I wonder and I say how dare you
raise your voice...
..in the presence of Attila king
of the barbarians? My concubines!
We have to go to Rome.
Except that Rome doesn't run away
because it is a city and doesn't move.
You can go to Rome calmly.
It's not a snake that moves!
You are in a trap here!
- Fusco Cornelio arrives with
his soldiers. - Fuscus Cornelius?
- Yes. - Do you know him?
- Yes.
Who the fuck is he? I don't know him.
- He's the leader of the Roman soldiers.
- The leader of the Roman soldiers?
He gives me a mustache!
We'll give them four beatings too.
We'll grind them to a pulp.
Here come the Roman soldiers! Ouch!
- What is that?
- You're a weakling.
- You're out of strength.
- Me, spineless?
But if I'm feeling the power
than half is enough!
I have violence in me
that you can't even know!
- But what does the hammer have
to do with it? - Lift it up.
It's mine. With this hammer I have
defeated multitudes of enemies...
..enemies of all races!
- Prove it!
- Shall I lift it?
- Yes. - Wait.
They weighed down the hammer
or have they weakened me?
- You are weak.
- Am I weak? It is true!
In fact, I don't feel...
You know what?
Maybe it's better to flee first
and let Cornelius arrive with heads.
Let's round up the men!
All men to me!
Hey! You!
- Did you say something to me?
- Who else? There is only you.
- Do you know where by any chance...
- I do not know!
- I haven't asked you anything yet.
- And I didn't answer anything.
- Good answer. Where do you come from?
- I don't know, I don't remember.
- Are you by any chance a soldier?
- What? Why do I have a helmet?
Maybe yes, I was a soldier.
They made me go to many wars.
Punic Wars, African Wars!
But I'm tired.
I know nothing.
Before you don't know anything anymore,
Can you tell us which direction Rome is?
- The city with arches, columns
and the Forum? - Yes.
Never heard of it!
I don't even know my name!
In my opinion he knows nothing!
Go back to where you came from!
I will go where you want.
I know nothing.
Leave me alone, I don't know anything!
So, where are we, IMO?
Good question, Grippo!
In my opinion Rome is over there!
Instead, in my opinion Rome is
over there. I tell you!
- I repeat that Rome is over there!
- But she's over there!
- I repeat that Rome is over there.
Where is Rome? - I think it's over there!
- You guessed it!
- Hey!
I am here! Attila!
- Who's calling me?
- It's me!
It's a girl.
A female horse!
- Female horse?
- Let me get a look at you!
Don't let the farmer know
how nice the horse with tits is.
Ask me, Attila.
I am the Centaura.
- I know everything. - I'm not used
to talking with the horses.
You who knows everything, do you
know where the city of Rome is?
Rome?
- Wait! - You shoot at me?
- Follow the arrow.
Rome is there!
Rome is over there. Come on, this way!
- Rome!
- This city is strong!
- It's all open!
- But the buildings aren't
there anymore?
Barbarians, IMO in Rome!
The barbarians!
- I think it was Brenno
who raze it like this! - Brennero?
Did he burn it to the ground?
Maybe, it could be...
..that the Romans knowing that I was
coming. I, Attila, scourge of god...
..they took shacks and puppets
and they went away!
But they left us nothing to break.
- The walls are left!
- Those we will break!
We will not leave a single stone.
Barbarians, destroy everything!
What are they doing?
They destroy the aqueduct.
Quickly! Quickly!
Prodigy! It rains without clouds!
Prodigy!
Senators, there is danger.
Attila is a wild madman.
He's a force of nature.
He raided a border post
and set fire to Saturnia.
From the news I have...
..they now march on Rome.
- Are they organized?
Do they have a regular army?
Weapons, war machines?
- I don't think so, they are barbarians.
- The water doesn't come out anymore!
- Maybe a water supply failure.
- It never happened before.
Senators!
The barbarians have arrived!
- Let him through. - The barbarians
are breaking the aqueduct.
They are very fierce.
They break bows with blows!
They are ugly as death!
- Do you need to tell us anything else?
- No. - Then take him away he stinks of goat.
Barbarians are not that ignorant.
They follow a strategic plan.
They cut off the aqueduct
to thirst us out.
- We have to fight back.
- How many men do you have?
- Few! - Then Fabio Massimo,
then that would be me...
..he says we need to buy time
until our troops return.
We need to stall!
In addition to 50 bushels of wheat,
a hundred pieces of fruit...
..and a wagon to go home...
..here is the gold!
In exchange for this gold...
..you Attila undertake not to enter
into Rome and not to harass the citizens.
All right, but hunt for gold!
Hunt for the gold!
- Romano, put it inside!
- Do you also undertake...
..to return to your primitive confines.
Are you committed?
- Am I committed?
- Yes!
- Am I committed?
- Yes! - I promise!
Beautiful! I like it!
I'll take this.
Put it down!
You get four slaps!
- It's all mine. You take nothing.
- Why?
Because I'm the king
and all of this belongs to me.
Now you have to fulfill the agreements.
Remember what Cifone told us
by Brenno. The sword!
Wait a minute, I have another topic.
As my friend Brennero says,
I come, I spit in the plate...
.. I take the money and go home!
Attila, thank you for giving us
the discount! Take everything off.
What is he doing? He's taking it away?
We had the wrong pan of the balance!
- You made me get the wrong dish!
- No!
- What is that? - A gift from the Senator
Fabio Massimo, that would be me.
Blood? Did you know that Attila
only feeds on blood?
It's not blood, it's wine! It's good!
Drink to our health!
We drink the wine. Alternate occasionally
blood wine is good for you!
- That's right , Attila!
- What can it be worth?
- Four or five sesterzi.
- Three at most!
Barbarians, we have fancy
stones, gold, wine!
IMO have fun!
- IMO!
- Load the wine!
My treat!
- Will the wine have an effect?
- They will be hungover for two days.
I put lotus essence, powder
of poppy and cannabis indica.
- Cannabis indica? What is it?
- Hash!
With opium and oriental drugs
Attila and the barbarians undertook
a great trip in a
world of amazing visions.
I see everything colorful! Naked females!
- Tartufo, what do you see?
- I see a man riding a man.
Anguillara is a country...
I see a mysterious oriental city called Anzio!
Indeed, Bisanzio!
- I see my whole life flowing.
- Wake up! - Who's calling me?
- It's me.
- Is that a sea turtle?
- Are you a prehistoric animal?
- I'm Master Silone! Wake up!
- Now I remember, Cifone! - Silone!
- The master of the dwarves! What do you want?
- What do you want? - I promised you
that I would come to save you.
- But I'm so comfortable here.
- You say that! You come!
- I also have gold! - You come!
- Will you take me into the grove?
More than a grove! Look!
- A Roman army!
- Look!
- Another Roman army!
- Look! - Another?
- Just another! - You're surrounded.
The Romans will destroy you.
- It is not said, dear Cifone!
- Silone! - All right.
First I have to consult the
auspices, the flight of the bird!
- It could also be favorable.
What do you know, Cifone? - Silone!
Birds, where are you? Where are you?
The eagle!
Queen of birds, you flutter
high and hurtling through the skies...
..Let me know!
Tell me what will be my destiny!
- I understand what my destiny is!
- I have an idea for you to escape!
Attila run away?
Attila never runs away!
Attila fights to the death!
Barbarians, to arms!
Come all here!
Let's squeeze the crabs! Ready
to face the mortal enemy!
Once and for all, forward!
Stop!
- What is that? - Not IMO?
- I see two people coming.
Two individuals
galloping on two horses!
What will they want to tell us?
- Which of you is Attila?
- Try to guess!
Who do you think could be Attila?
This fool? Maybe him?
Who has the petrifying gaze?
Who is handsome and muscular?
I am Attila!
You rather, handsome man, who are you?
I'm Fusco Cornelio and you have no escape.
- I have no escape? You say!
- Let me finish.
I will save your life
and these other bastards...
- He told you!
- If you give me her.
Who? This? The girl?
She is not light, she is heavy!
Scratches, bites, crunches
and throws stones! What are you doing?
Take him! Watch him and admire him.
He's a gem!
- Get him! Trust me.
- No, I want her.
- Why?
- I'm in love!
Hilarious! Hilarious!
If he's in love, let's give her to him!
I give it to you!
- Barbarian, what is your answer?
- You will get the answer...
..along with the barrel that
stinking Fabio Massimo gave me!
So you bring him back and forth!
Grab him!
Leave me, you scumbags!
Lay the barrel down.
Roll it down the hill.
See how the handsome man tumbles!
Look how fascinating it is!
Did you see how the handsome man rolled?
- He thought he was smart!
- Why didn't you hand me over?
- Because I'm in love.
- You? Who?
With who? Tartufo?
I'm in love with you Uraia.
Why didn't you ever tell me?
Because you never asked me.
I answer the question.
But I am the king.
I can not express myself first.
Be careful, don't bite! I know you.
All right!
It's an encirclement!
I hit him! I'm not afraid anymore!
Arrow!
Another arrow! To me? Arrows?
You killed me!
Halt! Is there problem?
We are friends!
We are brothers, we are all Italians.
Why harm us?
Attila, the sword!
Halt! Is there problem?
We are friends!
We are brothers, we are Italian.
Why harm us?
Halt! Is there problem?
I wanted to have a talk!
Take that!
I'll break your horses!
You are cowards! You saw
how the cowards retreated?
- We put them on the run!
- I took the bat... - What do you say?
The cavalry gave way to the soldiers.
- The foot soldiers are coming!
- You have no escape, come with me.
- Let's do it soon!
- They look like wild beasts advancing...
..around a delicious prey.
- Watch!
Air in contact with fire
it heats up and lifts strongly.
- Yes! - What do I care? - Wait!
- Do you do magic?
Now I'll explain.
I built a great machine.
- It will take you to freedom.
It's clear? - Until a certain point.
He's dead.
- Silone was known.
And now he's dead!
- An arrow went through him!
- Odin has taken him!
Why the fuck are you singing?
Think about escaping.
Now he's really dead, but we have
already sang the song.
IMO is getting ready.
The Romans approach.
Do you know how this machine works?
- Let's fly!
- Where do we go?
- Where will the wind take us!
- Where does it take us?
- South, towards Naples. - We will put
Naples on fire too.
Mamma, how many there are!
If they catch us, they'll kick our asses!
- What happened?
- We're going down.
- It seems to me too. - There's too much
weight, we need to lighten up.
- Let's throw away the gold.
- No, the gold stays here!
Instead of gold, we throw down just one. You!
I had a great idea!
Let's throw her down!
- What do we care?
- No, I need her. I throw you down!
Did you see, I threw him down!
So you will stop bothering me!
We are safe!
Please don't bite me!
Don't bite me!
...and they lived
barbaricly and happily ever after.