Attack of the Killer Shrews! (2016) Movie Script

[explosion]

[sizzling]

[intense]

[spooky music]

[music starts to fade]

Ahh!

[heavy breathing]

This is the most frightening

movie, and these are only

the opening credits! I don't

know what I'm gonna do!

Greetings from Tromaville!

I'm Lloyd Kaufman, president

of Troma Entertainment and

creator of the Toxic Avenger.

And the film you are about

to see is probably one of the

most horrifying, and downright

bloodcurdling creations that

I have ever witnessed in my

fifty years of Troma filmmaking!

Yep! The Killer Shrews!

A movie about redemption,

hope... and ice cream.

Ah, yes. The year was

1959. Eisenhower was

president. Communism was

flourishing, the music

was dying... and I... I

was getting out of prison.

I'll never forget it.

And who could forget those

wonderful dogs wearing mops?!

And I know mops. Just ask

ol' lumpy head back there.

Killer shrews...

...murderous Muppets!

Yes!

There's no business

like shrew business!

It's now time to

sit back, relax...

...munch on some delicious

popcorn with that

artery-hardening butter

stuff they put on it...

...and get ready to watch

the amazing reimagining

of Ken Cosentino's

Attack of the Killer Shrews!

[creepy music starts]

[slap]

Svenson! We're going to be

rich beyond our wildest dreams!

That's great, sir!

See, Svenson? It's working!

My children are growing!

My serum is working!

You did it sir!

No, Svenson.... we did it!

[purring]

Look Svenson!!! Look

how big it's getting!!

Uh, sir?!

I think I will call it Nibbles!

[shrew screeching]

[Svenson screaming]

Nibbles! Stop it! Nibbles!

Stop eating him!

Nibbles!

[roaring, gurgling]

[laughter] Oh, Charles..

Thank you again for inviting us.

It's a pleasure, darling!

You too, Lewis.

Thank you, Charles.

[cork popping]

[champagne pouring]

Maybe once we're finished

with our drinks, the

professor can you show his

shrunken head collection

from South Africa!

Oh how exciting!

I'd love to see it!

Here's to a

successful first run!

Here here! [glasses clank]

Congratulations!

[whispering] I couldn't have

done it without you, Lewis...

Charles.. you know I'm

more than just your agent,

I'm your biggest fan!

Would you give us a

preview reading, professor?

Please?

Ha! If you insist!

We'd be delighted!

Please...

Make yourselves

comfortable, actually...

This'll be brief!

....from the prologue...

Oh!

Nary a quest has been

ventured, in the scrolls

of the history of man..

..where one educated physicist

has determined an exact

equation for the heart and

soul of mankind.

Darwin! Maxwell! Einstein!

They will quiver and cringe

in the shadow of I...

..Professor Charles Perry.

Brilliant, Charles!

Marvelous!

Thank you! Thank you!

Well, I'll have to reread

this when Fiona arrives!

Fiona Rae?! The movie starlet??

The one and only!

She's coming here?

Now?! How's my hair??

You look great..

She should be here already...

I wonder what's

taking her so long...?

What the fuck is that?!

[steam hissing]

[engine thumping]

[door slam]

Having trouble ma'am? [thud]

Ow!

Woah! Hold on!

You alright?

I'm fine..

Ya sure you're OK? I know CPR...

What's CPR?

It's this new breathin'

thing... say! Don't I recognize

you's from somewheres?

I get that a lot..

Where were you headin' miss?

I was just going up the

road... Mulberry Street?

I was supposed to meet some

friends for a small gathering...

and then the engine

started knocking and all

this smoke poured out.

Well, I can give you a

ride there if you'd like?

It's on my route anyway.

Are you sure you don't mind?

No absolutely!

I wouldn't want

to be a bother...

Nonsense!

You'd be surprised how

lonely it can get in the car!

Especially without Wayne...

Come on! Hop in!

I'll give ya a ride!

I'll get my bag!

Does your friend have a phone?

Yes.

Alright! We'll just call a

tow truck once we get inside.

You're too kind!

Your friend sure does

like his privacy!

Don't we all...

[knocking]

Feeeee-ooooh-nuh!!!

Charles!!

[muttering] I see you

brought a guest with you..

I'm Charles Perry, welcome

to my humble abode!

Martin Blake!

Come on in, darling, we're

having the most choice

discussion about my book!

You too Officer Drake!

Blake, sir!

Please come in..

Come and have a drink with us!

I'd love to but

I'm on the clock.

Mineral water for

officer...[stammering]

Blake...

[dryly] Blake...

Charles, I was so afraid

I wasn't going to make it!

Fiona! My dear! So

good to see you!

Lewis! Oh... there it is...

the smell that won't go away...

Allow me to introduce

you to my better half,

the lovely Cassandra!

Cassandra? So beautiful!

I am such a huge fan Miss Rae!

May I call you Fiona?

[whispering] Fiona Rae!

Yes please!

I am such a huge fan!

I've seen all of your

films! Some of them twice!

Haha why?

You're Fiona Rae!

I am, yes!

Wow! To think I had a movie

star in my car! Wait til

Wayne hears about this!

Charles, I hate to trouble you,

but may I please use your phone?

I have to call a tow truck.

Of course, my dear!

Cassandra! Be a dear, would

you please? And help Fiona

with her....personals?

Certainly!

Use the phone in the study!

Thank you.

You two will have

much to talk about...

Quite a place you've

got here, Professor!

It's a roof over my

head, y'know...really...

I do beg your pardon!

This man is Lewis Fontana,

my agent! Sheriff Blake!

Please to meet you

Sheriff...[slimy

squishes]...thanks

for keeping us safe.

Just doing my duty. Why does

a professor need an agent?

I've simply published my latest

book! It's a Symposium of

History's Greatest Scholars!

Non-fiction.

We were just celebrating.

Well, don't celebrate too hard.

Congratulations, Professor,

but I really must be going.

So soon! But you've

practically just got here!

I'm on patrol.

And what could possibly

happen way out here?

[sticks breaking]

Where are you, you

Shrewish bastards?!?

Ahhh! There you are!!

You really can't stay?

Positive.

You're all in grave danger!!!

Friend of yours?

[parlor music plays]

Doctor... you must

be putting us on?

I am dead serious!

There are gigantic killer

shrews roaming these

woods! We must all leave!

There is no more

time for discussion!

Calm down! We know

shrews aren't that big..

These ones are!!!

Professor... this is some

sort of prank, right?

You must listen!

I was experimenting...with

a cure for rabies...

...when something

went very wrong!

These shrews...are RAVENOUS!

What's a shrew?

It's like a mole.

Cute!

Cute?! These shrews

are not cute!! Have you

not been listening to

anything that I've said?!

They are.... vicious

killers! These are...

KILLER SHREWS!!

[dun dun DUN!]

Fiona dear! Sounds like the

plot for your next picture!

I don't think that's

very funny.... he's

obviously disturbed...

Come on, doc! Let's getcha home!

You're all going to

die!! Don't you see?!

You're all going to die!!

Don't make me cuff you!

What a ghastly man!

After you!

[scary music plays]

[screams!]

[roaring, shrew noises]

[growling]

Help!

Heeelp!

[shrew noises]

Help me!!!

Heeelp!

Heeeelp meeee!

[roaring]

Help me!

[roaring] Please help me!!

[shotgun blast]

[growling]

[BLAM!]

[danger music fades]

[whispering] What the

fuck IS that thing??

What is it?!

I don't know..

What the HELL do you think

it is?? It's a killer shrew!

He was telling the truth!

Is it a dog?

No it's not a damn

dog! It's a SHREW!

[cocks shotgun]

We have to get out of here!

Sweetheart, we need to leave!

No one is going anywhere!

And on who's authority?

He's right, it's

not safe out there..

I need to radio for back up!

Doctor!

How many of those

things are out there?

Thirty! Well... twenty-nine now!

This is Sheriff Blake!

I'm in a house on

Mulberry Street and we're

in need of assistance!

[radio] You OK Sheriff?

Can someone please help me?!

We have one wounded a

big problem on our hands!

Send a squad car and an

ambulance immediately!

There's a first

aid kit in the W.C.

I-I'll get it!

I'm coming with you!

Watch your step...

these are new shoes!

Ew..

[radio] The ambulance is in

Springville assisting in a house

fire! I'll head over to you now!

[radio] What's the address?

What's your address?

Three-eight-zero

Mulberry Street.

Three-eighty Mulberry Street.

Did you say Springville?

That's two hours away! Don't

they have their own ambulance?

[radio] No! Blake! What's

going on out there?

I'm not sure, I think...

I think it might

be KILLER SHREWS!!

[dun dun DUNNN!]

[radio] Haha OK! Wayne out!

How many officers do

you have, Sheriff?

Well it's just me and Wayne

on the clock right now...

He IS my deputy, AND my cousin!

Two officers! You're going

to need more than that!

You're telling me- EW! Your

wounds are all....goopy!

Which one?

The one on your neck!

It's really gross!

Lewis is on his way

with the first-aid kit!

Oh.. THAT'S good!

[disgusting weasel farts]

[poop noises]

This is terrible..

I know! Those

things are so scary!

No, this book. This

book is terrible.

Then why do you represent him?

Because he's rich... in

fact, this whole shrew thing

just might make it easier

for us to find his safe..

I think we should just

forget the whole thing.

Nonsense!

All we have to do.... is

sneak away... open the

safe, grab it and go!

[horrific farting]

You should light a candle or

something... that smells awful!

It was the casserole...

I love the one where you use the

snake to swing from the cliff!

That was Return to Ape Island!

Wow!

Fiona Rae!

I knew I recognized you

from somewhere! Say..

..can I have your autograph

when this is all said and done?

Sure! Why not?

Here you go Professor.

So doc, why were you really

messing with those shrews?

[weakly] I told you...

I was trying to create

a cure for rabies...

But HOW did they turn into THAT?

Something went

wrong....OBVIOUSLY!

I...I have to make an

emergency phone call.

Use the phone in the study.

Those things are probably

miles away by now.

Doubtful! Those are

predatory animals! They

will go where the prey is!

What? You mean US?!

Yes! They've tasted

blood... when they killed

my lab assistant...

I have to go, I can't stay here!

You can't go! It's too

dangerous out there!

But you don't understand! I have

to be on set tomorrow morning,

I have a very early call time!

OK. Once the tow truck

arrives, I'll escort you.

They're not coming. No

one answered the phone!

Well where do you have to go?

Franklinville? I was only

supposed to be in town for

one day! I have to leave!

Well, once Wayne gets

here I'll take you.

No I would prefer to leave now!

We're not going anywhere

'til my backup arrives.

How are you gonna get in

without the combination?

I'll think of something.

[creepy sliding noise]

Did you hear something?

Do you think they

got in the house?

Come on! Let's go

back with the others!

You go on ahead. I'm not leaving

'til I've gotten into the safe.

Lewis!

Go on!

[parlor music continues]

This man is going into

shock! We've got to

get him to a hospital!

[gurgling]

What's wrong with him?

[stammering]

BLEEDING!

[ominous music begins]

That's Wayne! We're saved!

Wayne! Come in Wayne!

I'm here Sheriff!

Wayne you listen to me and

you listen to me carefully!

We have a man down who is in

need of medical assistance!

Be careful getting out of your

vehicle! There are monstrous

KILLER SHREWS!

All over the grounds!

Yea, ok Sheriff. Killer shrews!

[monstrous growling]

[shrew noises]

[zap zap zap!]

[BLAM!]

[gunshots]

That's my cousin!

Did it getcha?!

It took a chunk

off my damn ear!!!

We gotta get everybody

to the hospital!

...but we can only

take one of you!

You go!

Thank you Charles.

Perry you cover us while

we get the doc to the car!

Aye!

[bloody gurgling]

[ominous music intensifies]

Good luck, my dear!

Be safe, Professor!

Let's get the Hell outta here!

Wait for help to arrive!

We'll be back soon!

[shrew noises]

[shotgun blast]

[growling, shrew noises]

[shotgun blast]

[whimpering]

Where's Lewis?

He's in the study...did

they leave us?!

They're sending help. We

just need to... sit tight...

I can't take this!

Hold me professor!!

[whimpering]

[shrew noises]

Hello?

Is anyone there?

[shrew noises]

Cassandra? Is that you?

[shrew noises]

Oh I hope it's not

one of those shrews!

[foreboding music]

Got it..

[intense crash!]

AHHHHHHHHH!

[shrew noises]

Ahhh! There's a killer

shrew in the house!!!

[thud]

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

[screaming]

EAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

[screaming]

[growling, shrew noises]

AHHHHHH!!!!!!

[growling]

AHHHHHHH!!

[roaring, shrew noises]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

[growling]

[screaming, shrew noises]

Confound it Lewis! Keep still!

[screaming]

[shotgun blast, glass breaks]

[screaming, roaring]

[shotgun cocks]

[click]

AHHHHHH!!!!

Keep 'em occupied Lewis!

[screaming]

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

[animal grunts]

AHHHH! It's humping

meeee!! AHHHHH!!!!!

[goofy musical score]

[score ends abruptly]

[rustling]

[whispering] What

the fuck IS that...?

[screaming, shrew noises]

[lock clicks]

[low rumbling score]

[huge crash]

Eeeeee!!!

[grunts]

[score builds]

God!!

Ugh!

[score intensifies]

Ahh! Good shrew! You

don't want to eat me!

I'm just a literary

agent! I'm all pudgy ahhh!

[shrew noises]

[shotgun blast, splat]

[score finishes]

[Lewis gasping for air]

Lewis, put some trousers on!

EEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[roaring]

[shotgun blast, squeak]

My dear!

We gotta go. We

gotta get outta here!

I wonder how they got in...

The window!

[fun music plays]

What the fuck IS THAT

THING?! [cocks shotgun]

[fun music]

[KABLAM!]

Let's go!

[fun music transitions

to spooky score]

We're not safe here!

Murdock said that they'd

be hunting us and that's

exactly what they are doing!

[shrew noises]

[shotgun blast]

Come on!

[door slams]

[engine starts]

[tires squealing]

[siren]

Ew..

We're almost there!

You're gonna make it doc!

We need to go back and

get my ear! Maybe they

can sew it back on!

We're gonna get you a

new ear! A better ear!

Yea well I want my ear damn it!

Well you-LOOKOUT!!!!

[screaming]

[tires screech]

[thud SPLAT]

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

[loud CRASH]

[metal crashing]

[steam hissing]

[body thud]

Sheriff...

Are you alright?

I think so... I've

done stunts before..

Oooh...Wayne!

Wayne!!

Aw shit! Wayne!

Awww shit nooo!

Do CPR!

I don't know CPR!!

Aww shit! Wayne! Aww..

The doctor's body is gone!

It musta got thrown

during the crash!

Aw shit! Wayne's dead! I'm gonna

lose my badge! Killer shrews

all over the place! Aww shit!

Alright alright! Calm

down. You are gonna get it

together and you're going

to take me to Franklinville!

Alright, we need to radio

the town... where's my radio?

My radio's gone?!?

Goddamnit! Jesus! Look oh man!

I paid fifteen dollars

for that thing!

Look at this shit!! It's

gonna come outta my pay!!

Oh my God what the Hell is goin-

...I bumped my head

off the dashboard...

Wayne!?

I think I saw his eyes blink!

No, he's dead.

Well my hat's at least is here!

Aww Wayne come on.... aw we're

just gonna have to walk...

[crickets]

[scary theme]

[evil laughing]

[traffic]

[upbeat tempo]

Hey look what the

cat dragged in!

Wife finally let you

out the house huh?

Can't complain.

Sit your old ass down.

You know when I was a young

man, I woulda kicked your ass!

Yea... right sir!

So we gonna buff the top or

we're gonna give you a cut?

OK just the cut!

You know what [breathing]

[squeaks]

That one's on the house!

Thanks..

So how's the kids?

Kids are good..

I see that you've been

drinking a lot lately?

Well you know, sometimes you

just gotta do what you gotta do.

[diner music, chatter]

[off screen] Hey Ted, I'm

just hanging out... you still

rubbing your belly button?

Ted.

Martin.

[phone beeps]

Hello.

This is Sheriff Blake...

no, the OTHER one.

Yea, I'm out in Franklinville...

There's been a major

accident out on Route 33.

Yea there's two casualties,

one is my deputy...

..who IS my COUSIN..

Yea I'm at the Sunshine Cafe.

Yea alright I'll be here...bye!

[hangs up]

[really stupid restaurant

chatter in the background]

[the sound of people enjoying

breakfast in the afternoon]

Did you tell them

about the shrews?

Do ya think they'd believe me?

Can I start you guys off

with something to drink?

Water, please!

[weakly] Water.

I've missed my call time!

I have to call my agent.

Uh huh...

Yeah baby... naw I'm telling you

when you get out of jail we're

gonna have some real good times!

Excuse me!

Hold on baby, someone's trying

to talk to me... what is it??

Sir, I need to make an

emergency phone call!

Listen, this one's in use. Why

don't you go use the barbershop

across the street alright?

[sarcastically] Thanks...

I have to go across the

street to make a phone call..

OK. What do you want?

Eggs and toast.

[yelling] Can I get some

eggs and toast please?

And where's my water?!

[traffic]

You know man? I can see

myself in your head! That

thing really shiny! Hello!!

Fuck you, King Kong!

May I please use your phone?!

Ya sure, right there.

Thank you!

[boop boop boop]

[boop boop]

[truck engine]

[engine squealing]

[truck shuts off]

[door slam]

[another door slams]

[another door slams damn they

really like slamming doors huh?]

Looks like there's nobody here!

Helloo!?

Our truck broke down!

We're out of gas!

I don't like this,

I'm going back in.

Cassandra..

[mysterious soundtrack]

Helloooooooooo?!

[another slam come on

seriously? do you want the

shrews to know where you are?]

Find a gas can Lewis

and meet me back here!

OK.

[too late]

[wind blowing]

[spooky tune]

This place is a dump..

[spooky spooky]

Hellooooo?

Who's there?

Ah!

[stammering]

We've run out of fuel..

[stammering]

Have no concern, I'm a man

of considerable academic and

intellectual achievements!

[Scottish accent] Oh yea!

Well you just look like a

man who's run out of gas to

me, and ain't no gas here..

..move on!

[stammering] But it's

an emergency! We've been

attacked by wild animals!

One of us has been injured!

What kind of wild animals?

Shrews..

KILLER SHREWS!

[dun dun DUNNN!]

So you're the ones that brought

them devils around here!

How could that be?

Look out the window son. Ya

gotta be blind not to see them!

Cassandra!

Damn killer shrews!

[snoring]

Errrmmmm..

Oh Jesus!

[dramatic music!]

Arrr!

[shrew noises]

Thank you Simon! Thank you!

I'll await the cab. Tah-tah!

[hangs up]

Darrr!!! Derrrrr!

Deeeerr duhduhduhduhduh!

Daaahhh errrreeeaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

[shrew noises]

Huminna Hummina!!

[together] What

the fuck is that?!

[snorting]

Derrpppppp derrrrrrr

ayyyyeeeee!!!!

Derrrrrrrrr!!!

[snip! squish!]

Ahhhh!!!! Sonofa!

[loud and wet pooping noises]

Oh the doo-doo butter dookie!!

[shitting noises]

[lots and lots of shit

happening in that guy's pants]

[shrew noises]

[more shit]

That thing doesn't

look friendly!!

Somebody kill that shit!

This is a tasty glass of water!

[doo wop]

[it's OK to get up and dance]

Seymour! You keep dropping

crumbs all over the floor,

we're gonna get rats!

Did you hear what I

said? Pick up your crumbs

or we're gonna get..

[shrew noises]

..rats!

[loud growling]

[screaming]

[screaming, monstrous roaring]

[heavy breathing]

[screaming]

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

[snap!]

[roaring]

[thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!] [thud

squeak!] [thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!] [thud squeak!]

[roaring]

[thud squeak!] [thud

squeak!] [thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!] [thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!] [thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!]

Do you have a back door?

Thank you..

That's a bad bitch!

What's the matter?

Come on!

[shrew noises]

How do you use this

fucking thing?!

Lewis I think your darling is

about to become shrew chow!

I'll distract them,

you get Cassie!

How do you expect to do that?

GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!!

Are you out of

your fucking mind?!

AHHHHHH!!! [roaring]

[fun theme song]

[screaming]

[screaming, roaring]

[roaring]

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

It's humping me

again!!!! Stop it!

[thump!]

I'm here to save you!

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

[roaring]

Graaaahhh!!

[bang!]

I hate shrews.

[fun theme continues]

Come on! Hop in!

[door slam]

Where's Lewis??

He's creating a distraction!

[engine roars to life]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

[roaring]

Ahhhh!!!!!

Ahhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Oh my

God!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[roaring]

[KA-BLAM!]

Damn girl! You got crazy

written all over ya haha!

[whining]

[engine sputtering, dies]

Oh....right right right..

[shrew noises]

[growling]

[BLAM!]

[roaring ferociously]

[BLAM!]

[KA-BLAM!] Woo-hoo!

Ya ugly shrew

bastards! [gunshots]

[gunshots] Look at that!

Look at that motherfucker!

[gunshots]

Oh! I thought you were dead!

We gotta call the

national guard!

Oh I hope the others

got out alright!

Well they all ran all over

the place, one lady got

hit by an ice cream truck!

I meant the professor!

Yea me too. Let's

get out of here!

Come on, this way will

take us back to town!

Are you sure the road

won't be quicker?

Those things are everywhere!

I'm so frightened!

Hold me Lewis!

We're being followed!

You go

Not without you!

I'm staying, so

that you can go..

..if you go,

then... I can stay..

..but if you stay, I'll stay...

..and if you go, then

I can stay, and I'll

stay so that you can go!

Thank you, Charles!

I've got a score to settle

with some shrews, and I've

got a pocket full of shells!

He's so valiant!

I know.

Why can't you be like that?

I'm just a literary agent.

[growling]

Rawr!

[shrew noises]

What the Hell happened?

Martin!

I'm coming Martin!

[clunking and clanking]

[puttering]

[crash!]

[beeping]

Goddamnit!

[engine rumbling]

[action music]

[shrew noises]

[KA-BLAM!]

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

Gah!

[KA-BLAM!]

Ha Ha Ha!

[trumpets build]

[BLAM!]

Alright! Come on get

it! Oh yes! [BLAM!]

Oh yes!

Come on then! Cooome on!

[BLAM!]

[trumpets blare!]

[click click]

[music builds, shrew noises]

Uggh!

Alriiight! Come on! Cooome ooon!

I went to Julliard you know!

Uh huh you didn't know that!

I didn't always want to be

a physicist philosopher!

I wanted to be a dancer! I

could have been a dancer!

Let's dance!

AHHH!!

[shrew noises]

[heavy drums, trumpets blare]

[roaring, screaming]

[roaring]

[screaming]

[roaring]

Simon...

Simon you can't be serious!

When have I ever??

Simon!

I am FIONA RAE, Simon!

Hmpph! Well she's a hussy!

[hangs up]

I'm sorry you didn't make

it to your film, it wasn't

safe for you to be out there.

They fired me...

I've never been.....fired...

Shiiiit! I've been fired from

just about every job except

this one! Ain't no big deal!

[crash]

Sheriff!

Dewey!

Damn it!

You ok Sheriff?

Who's been messing

with my chair!!?

I don't know!

Damn it Dewey!

We'll get that fixed

for ya Sheriff!

Get on it!

Miss Rae!

Dewey...

Damn him..

Martin... what are

we going to do?

I'll tell ya what

we're gonna do..

..we're gonna sit here and wait

for the cavalry to arrive, the

mayor has ordered in the army.

What until then?

You're gonna drink your

coffee...I'm gonna sit on

my desk, and we're gonna get

to know each other better.

Sheriff!

Dewey..

There's some big shot army

guy out there who would like

to have some words with you!

Send him in.

Yessir!

Miss Rae.....

Sorry about that...

What is the hiring process-

Cap'n!

Sheriff Blake.

Holy shit..... Fiona Rae!

The wife and I just went to see

"Tomb of the One-Eyed Weasel"

last night, and we loved it!

That scene... when you were

hanging from the balcony...and

the weasel was right there!!!

Gave me the chills!

Wow! You're more beautiful

in person than you are on

the screen! Fiona Rae...

..men, we are in the

presence of greatness!

[giggling]

Cap'n.... the task

at hand please..

This city is being

invaded by killer shrews.

Killer shrews?

[together] KILLER SHREWS!

Hahaha!

Hahahahahaha!

With all do respect,

SIR, when you are done

laughing, my deputy, who

IS my COUSIN, is DEAD!

Did the shrews kill him?

It was a car accident...but

it was shrew related!

How do you expect me

to believe all this?

Because it's true!

The Thing From Nantucket!

Now that was a good one!

[engine roaring]

[sputtering]

Damn it!

[splashing]

I'm coming Martin! I'm coming

Martin! I'm coming Martin!

[throttle roars]

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

Wha? What what??

Snakes snakes snakes

SNAKES SNAKES!!!

Sir! You're just having a

nightmare! I tried to stop them-

John, we got a big problem

on our hands, a shit storm

is a-brewin' out there in the

shape of big ass killer shrews,

and you're in here napping'!

What is the meaning of this?

Your town is being overrun

by ravenous rodents!

People are dying out there!

Floyd...

Why is Fiona Rae in my

office and you didn't

warn me? I look like shit!

Sir! Sorry-

Get out! Get out and get

Miss Rae a cup of tea please!

Oooh! Earl Grey.

Yea... that guy's a retard.

Mayor, I've seen one of

these things... they're huge!

We need to shut down the town! A

curfew is in effect immediately!

We need to exterminate the

infestation before it spreads.

My God, could things

get any worse?

Sir... your wife just called...

..your dog died.

Pugsly?

My little Pugsly?

Sir! The town is a war zone!

This is terrible!

I think the mayor's

gone bye-bye...

What do you need

from us, Captain?

Let's step outside for a

minute... give him a moment.

[sniffling]

My little Pugsly...

First Wayne, now Pugsly...

what's going on in this town?

Mayor major wuss..

We need a map of the

town. Close down all the

streets coming and going.

Done!

We need to gather as much intel

on these things as we can...

find out what makes them tick.

They're shrews, how

complicated can they be?

Girlie, you have no idea.

How much further?

I don't know, I

was following you!

Are you serious?

Yea! I thought you knew!

Who is this guy?

I don't really know...

The name's Wilkens, I own the

saw mill you guys stopped at.

So you own the mill,

but you have no idea

where we are right now?

I never come this way!

[shrew noises]

Ahhhhhh!

Cassandra!

Eeeeeeeee!!!

Cassandra!

They're right behind us!

Cassie!!

And what's this here?

That's the old saw mills...it's

in the outskirts of the city.

I can see that. It's

a good vantage point.

Take a couple of guys and get

there. Make sure it's secure..

..leave my men there and

we'll rendezvous back

here at fifteen-hundred.

Sure thing.

And I'm gonna deeter

some skeeters with my

Deter Insect RepellentC©.

Fiona!

Fiona Rae... you

are one lucky guy.

It's not what you think.

Sir, you're needed back at

the barracks right away.

Thank you Mrs. Rae!!

Looks like I'm gonna have

to scoot. Duty calls.

The town is on lockdown,

and I think you'll be

safest by staying here.

Can't I come with you?

Not this time.

Way too dangerous.

If you say so..

I do.

I'll see you soon.

[sentimental score]

Blake! Blake!

You kill those shrews!

[DING!]

[low, creeping tone]

Cassie!

Cassandra!

Careful with the yellin', boy!

The reverberations can bring

this whole thing down on us!

Better that than

eaten by shrews.

I just can't believe

it's happening again..

What do you mean "again"?

Eeee!!

I wanna go to Bermuda!!

OK...OK!

We can do that..

These shrews'll be

on us any minute!

Let's follow the

creepy Scottish guy..

Come on, let's take this tunnel!

This is a dead end!

Well that's good! We'll get

our back against the wall!

We're trapped! How is that good?

Well they can't sneak up

on us, the sneaky bastards!

Wilkens, this isn't your

first encounter with

killer shrews... is it...

You youngsters take a seat

and I'll tell you a tale.

I come from the village

of Killiecrankie.

I've never heard of that before?

It's in Scotland. I left

when I was a wee boy.

It seems I brought these

creatures with me..

That doesn't make any

sense. What do you mean?

Ah it was a long time ago...

huge man eating shrews

stormed the village wiping

out everything in their path!

I was lucky. Me

and a few others..

That doesn't make any sense.

Murdock told us that he

created them in his lab

when he was experimenting

with a cure for rabies...

..it just doesn't make

sense. How could they have

gotten here from Scotland?

Murdock, eh? There was a

Murdock in the village...

crazy guy. Our parents

told us not to talk to him.

That seems highly coincidental..

Or not! You kids don't

have to sit on the ground,

there's plenty boxes!

Holy shit!

Hot diggity!

This'll blow them up!

[shrew noises]

Derrr duhh duhhh buhhh!

I'll keep them

busy, you guys go!

That's what the professor

said and he's not coming back!

Ah, I'm old. I've had my fun..

Go to the saw mill, there's

a shoe box in my office...

you'll find everything

you're lookin' for..

..Murdock, I should have known.

[shrew noises]

[dramatic music]

[fuse ignites]

[hissing]

Alright, ya rat bastard shrew

sonsabitches! COME AND GET IT!

Hahahaha!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[screaming]

[hiss, shrew noises]

[KA-BOOM!]

[crickets]

There it is!

I've never had to shit

so bad in my life!

Lewis!

EVER!!

Hold it!!!

Oh thank God we're saved!

What the Hell are you

two doing way out here?

Don't you know there's....KILLER

SHREWS... everywhere?!

They're OK.

[military music]

They're with me.

Oh thank God..

I'm glad to see you two

made it out alright.

Where's the professor?

No..

Get us out of here Sheriff!

Get these two some place safe!

Sir yes sir!

Ma'am.

Hold on Sheriff... I have

something to tell you...

Cassie, you go on.

Any time anyone ever says

that they never come back!

[slobbering]

Ahem!

I'll wait for you.

[dramatic score]

Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut!

Whatchu talkin' bout Lewis?!

The guy that owned the mill, he

told me something that might be

useful. I'll show you, come on!

What the fuck is a shrew anyway?

I have no fuckin' idea.

We're about to find out!

He said it was up here...

in an old shoe box..

Yahtzee!

[thud]

It's junk!

Who does that look like to you?

Looks like Murdock.

Holy shit... I think I

know what's happening!

Good cuz I don't

have a fuckin' clue!

Murdock... where is he?

His body got thrown from the

car during the crash! Shoulda

seen it he went flyyyyyiiiing!

And his body? Did you recover

it? Do you know where it is?

No he's gone, just like I

told you! Just like Wayne!

We need to get back to town.

Alright! Let's go!

[maniacal giggling]

Alright! Listen up! This

is it men! It's either us

or these damn shrews! And

you know what they say...

..ya shrews, ya lose!

Sir! We have a visual on

the shrews! They're heading

this way and they'll be on

top of us within minutes!

Beautiful! Alright, listen up!

This is where I give my big

inspirational speech letting

you sissies know that some

of you ain't gonna make it!

Nobody dies without

my permission!

Let's secure the left perimeter,

secure the right perimeter!

We'll drag 'em all into the

mill and bring the whole fuckin'

thing down on their heads!

We're gonna leave it here today!

We're gonna cover this place

in shrew blood! It's gonna

be biblical! Who's with me?

Yes sir yes sir!

Let's go!

[bonk!]

Sorry, sir!

Get your ass up son! We're

here to slay rodents!

SIR YES SIR!

Now I need you to get

upstairs, and get ready to-

Arrggh!

[shrew noises]

[machine gun fire]

[action music]

What the Hell's the matter

with you boy?! Get your ass

up, we got shrews to kill!

Sir yes sir-

Cowboy up! Yeeeee-haw!

Yeeeeee-haaa!

Let's go

Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut

hut hut hut hut hut hut!

[crunching]

[shrew noises]

EEEEEEEEEE!!!!

[roar]

Sonofa bitchin' beaver!

[machine gun fire, screaming]

Sonofabitch!

[roaring]

[machine gun fire]

[punches, kicks]

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!

[machine gun fire]

[gunshots]

Ahhhhhhh!

Mom

[roaring]

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

Ahhh!

[shrew noises]

Ahhh!

Ahhhhhhh!

[action score ends]

[SQUEAK!]

Ah!

[thump]

[shrew noises]

[panting]

[shrew noises]

They're everywhere! Get

the Hell out of here!

[shrew noises]

[thunk thunk]

[shrew noises]

[explosion]

Yep! Biblical! Haha!

I assure you Miss Rae,

you're safe here for the time

being! We've taken over this

house as our command center.

No shrews are getting' in here!

[shrew screeches]

What the Hell!?

[blam!]

That was a freak

occurrence! It must have

gotten in here before us!

Captain, I am trained

in the operation of most

firearms. I have to be

for my feature films...

I would feel a lot

safer if I had a gun!

Hahaha! A gun? Sweetheart,

this is not the movies.

Leave the heavy stuff for us.

[knocking]

[doorbell ringing]

Open it.

Woah woah woah!

Slow down, Turbo!

Where is Captain Frost?

Blake!

Fiona!

They're OK.

Miss Rae, I'm so glad

that you're alive-

EWWW Lewis! You stink!

Where's your girlfriend?

Not exactly sure... she's

in good hands though.

I'm Captain Frost.

Lewis Fontana. Literary agent.

[squishing]

This is Lieutenant Falcon.

[bark!]

Mittens! Mittens! Where

the Hell's Mittens?

Right here, sir!

Where the Hell you been?

Right here, sir!

Don't do that to me boy!

Yes sir!

Take Mr. Fontana

upstairs to be debriefed!

Yes sir, you got it boss!

C'mon!

The mill is secure, Cap'n!

That's great, I-

[radio] Captain Frost!

Captain Frost! Come in

Captain Frost! They're

breaking through the wire!

[radio]

There

are

dozens

of

them!

Coordinates

niner-niner-whiskey-do-the-tango!

What the Hell?? Hold the line!

I'm so glad you're here!

Me too! Hey get this:

That doctor guy? Murdock?

Seems like he's got an

interesting family tree...

Oh?

His grandfather went nuts

in a small Scottish village!

He created gigantic

murderous shrews!

Wipin' out every man,

woman and child for miles!

Oh my God!

How is that possible?

Well, he told us he was looking

for a rabies cure. What he was

really doing was following in

his grandfather's footsteps.

Now obviously he's a few

cans short of a six pack.

But after he succeeded...

He created gigantic

killer shrews!

I don't know if he

planned on having them

escape, but they did!

I think he was going to use

them to conquer the town...

maybe even conquer the world!

This is complete madness!

How did I even get here?

Well, your car broke down and-

This is so much like a

movie! Giant killer rodents!

An evil scientist with

a chip on his shoulder!

A glamorous leading lady...

If this were a movie, this

would be the third act!

The third act! What's that??

It means we're about

to reach the climax...

[BLAM!]

[rustling]

It just went off!

Calm down, bring it back!

Calm down! Bring it back!

It's over! It's over!

[radio] Sir, I have the

president of the United

States on channel one!

Patch him through.

[radio] Captain Frost..

Mr. President.

You must be absolutely

certain of this decision.

Affirmative! Drop it!

All those people...

evacuate as many as you can!

Yes sir! Nuke 'em...

I've told you everything I know!

You ain't told us shit, bitch!

That's because I don't know

anything! There's killer

shrews running around-

KILLER SHREWS!

What more do you need??

Killer shrews! Say

something else for a Goddamn

change, how 'bout that?

Mittens!

Sir..

Boy's a tough one

sir, I don't know...

Forget him! Gather up the

men, we're moving out!

Yes sir!

Hey uh, shrews are

here! We gotta go!

We're out!

Do you think I can get

your autograph now?

Absolutely.

Make it out to Martin.

[giggle]

Miss Rae. Sheriff....

we're leaving, and I

suggest you do the same.

Something wrong Cap'n?

They're on their way.

Oh no, they're here already!

Quiet!

But I thought you said

this place was safe?

From the shrews, yes...

well, maybe. But not from

the big-ass nuke that's

about to hit the city!

[together] WHAT?!?

I've said enough!

Men, we're out!

Get the door, son.

[roaring]

[machine gun fire]

[screaming]

Kill 'em men! Shoot!

[gunshots]

There's more coming

through the door, men!!!

Get 'em!

[screaming, machine gun fire]

There's so many!

[shrew noises]

[gunfire]

There's too many of them!

[shrews screeching, gunshots]

[screaming]

Jimmy, no!!

Ahhhhh!!! [chomp!]

Jimmy!! Get up!!!

[Wilhelm scream!]

[gunshots]

Jimmy!!!

Jimmy!!

[screaming]

They killed Jimmy!!!!!!

[explosion of gunfire]

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

[roaring, gunfire]

[screaming, machine gunfire]

Jimmy!!!!!

What are those things?!

I have no clue!!!

I think...I think

they're shrews!

What's a fucking shrew?!

I don't fucking know!!!

[screaming]

[roaring]

[yelping]

[machine gunfire, growling]

Ahhhhhhh!

[BANG!]

[BANG]

Ahhhhh!!!!!!

Die! Die ahhhhhhh!! Die ahhhhhh!

[shrew noises]

[machine gunfire]

This is Sheriff Blake! Do

not drop the nuke! I repeat,

do not drop the nuke!

[machine gunfire]

You have to press that

button and hold it down!

Duh!!

[screaming]

This is Sheriff Martin

Blake! Don't drop the nuke!

[radio] Sorry dude, this

is a restricted line.

You sonofabitch!

We have to find Cassandra!

Let's go!

[roaring, gunshots]

[shrew noises]

Oh sweet baby Jesus, I'm comin'!

Sonofabitch rat bastards!

[grunting]

Gimme a sec.... OK we're good!

Die! [BLAM!] [BLAM!]

Don't you know who I am?!

[BLAM!]

I'm Captain Jack Frost!

[BLAM!]

Die! [BLAM!] Die!!

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

[animal grunts]

It's humping me!!

Get it off!

[deep breathing]

[action music]

[hiss]

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

[BLAM!]

[CRACK!]

[roaring]

[shrew screeches,

deep breathing]

[BLAM!]

Dude, why is he moving so slow?

I don't know!

Yo! Hey fellas!

Guys I think I'm good!

Aw they got Mittens!

No, no I'm OK!

Are you ok?

Uhhhh... nope, nope, they got

Ol' Mittens good this time!

[bang!]

OW! Goddamnit!

Come on!

[machine gunfire]

Fellas come on!

Aw bitch!

Shoot him in the head!

[machine gunfire]

[gunshots]

Where is everybody?

Steve!

JIMMY!

Derp derp derp...

...derp derp derp.

Well that's spooky!

[war noises] Kill

the shrews!!!!!

[gunfire, whimpering]

[screaming]

They left me! They left me

all alone! GASP! They left

me all alone! AHHHHH!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

[SPLAT!]

[VROOM!]

[gunshots]

You go help those guys!

Yessir!

Redirect the nuke! Redirect

the nuke! Do whatever you

gotta do for the love of God!

There's the sergeant!

The blondie! The

civilian! Where is she?!

We got separated!!

[gunshots, chomping, screaming]

If I were you I'd get your

fuckin' asses out of here!

It's coming! It's coming!

There she is!

Cassandra!

Lewis!

Fiona! It's way too dangerous!

You're gonna have to stay here!

I'm not staying here

without a weapon!

[squish!]

There you go! You go

kill those shrews!

[kung fu flute]

[roaring]

[machine gunfire]

[roaring]

[machine gunfire]

[roaring]

[machine gunfire]

[screaming]

[action music]

Uhh! Uggh!

Jimmy! Stop fucking

with me Jimmy!

AHHHH! [fart!]

Hold on!

Hey baby! What's your name? My

friends call me Zero but you

can call me whatever you want!

Come on baby don't be shy!

What's your sign? I'm a Virgo!

Hey, we should take a ride

in the countryside with the

top down, your top off..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Yea keep walking! Women..

Oh... hey there buddy, you lost?

Come here boy!

[danger music]

You don't have a collar!

I'm gonna name you Biscuit!

Hey, Biscuit! Come here boy!

Roll over! Roll over,

Biscuit! You're a good boy!

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

AHHHHHH!!!!!

[growling]

Let's get her and get

the Hell out of here!

Cassandra!!

[war noises]

[roaring] [grunting]

I'm sorry! I'm

sorry! I'm sorrrryyy!

I'm sorrrry! I'm sorrrryyy!

[spitting] I'm sorry!

I hope you don't have diseases!

Eeeeeeee!!!

[girly scream!]

[terrifying theme!]

[BLAM! BLAM!]

CASSANDRA!

Are you alright ma'am?

What the fuck was that thing?!

That was a KILLER SHREW!

A what??

A KILLER SHREW!

You're saying that THAT

was a KILLER SHREW?! [derp]

Yea! A KILLER SHREW!

[dundundunnn]

[jets roar overhead]

What the Hell was that??!

Those are the jets! They're

about to drop the nuke!

We gotta get outta here!

This town's been evacuated!

[yelling] I said get outta here!

[missile roaring]

[menacing theme]

Ah!

[breathing]

[drum beats]

Hey shrew! You wanna dance?

You wanna tango? Come on baby!

[clank]

[roar]

DERP!!!

[SPLAT!]

[missile roaring]

[menacing music intensifies]

[whimpering]

Cassandra!

Lewis!

[growling]

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

[screaming, roaring]

Cassandra noooo!

[chomping, screaming]

Oh my God, no!!!

C'mon Lewis, we gotta

get out of here!

Leave me alone!

C'mon we gotta get outta here!

We were gonna get married!

You WERE gonna get married!

Oh Cassandra no!

Lewis come on we've gotta go!

Leave me alone!

They're gonna drop the nuke!

[roaring]

[squish]

AHHHHH! Get back! Get

back! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[roar, CHOMP!]

[chomp!]

[action music picks up]

Help me!

Are you alright?

Yes! Where's Lewis?

Where's Cassandra?

They're dead!

Everybody's fuckin' dead!

[evil giggling]

Is that Murdock??

Say hello to your grandpa!

[BLAM!]

[squeak!]

Blake! Before we die, there's

something I need to tell you...

Hold that thought,

there's Wayne!

Wayne, I knew you was alive!

You won't believe what

I've been through!

Oh, I know what you've

been through but we gotta

stop that thing, look!

I've got a better idea!

[throttle]

It's coming! It's coming!

I told you he was blinkin'!

[action score builds]

[missile roaring]

I got ya! Come on! I'ma getcha!

[whoosh!]

[heroic theme plays]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeaaah!!!!

[nuke explosion]

[rumbling]

I can't see! I can't see!

I looked right into it,

they said ya can't look into

it! I looked right into it!

Oh my God!

This was a gift

from Giorgio Armani!

Where's my hat? Where the

Hell's my... there's my hat!

Where the Hell is Wayne??

Wayne!!

Wayne! Where are you?! Wayne!!!

[DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!]

[DUNNNNNNNN!!!]

[theme] It was a dark and

stormy night! The professor was

feeling good! Lewis is about...

to release the professor's

book! Fiona's on the way!

[theme] The scientist is in

the lab! Then it all went

bad! Shrews are on the loose!

[theme] Fiona's car breaks!

Sheriff's on the way!

Cassandra's so hot! Everybody

wants her! The shrews do too!!!

[theme] Doctor Murdock warns

everybody! Sheriff calls for

backup, which is his cousin!

[theme] Lewis searches for

the safe in the house! The

shrews are coming and they're

gonna kill everybody!!!

[theme] Killer Shrews! Ya

Shrews, Ya Lose! Whatcha

gonna do when they come for

you? They're big and ugly!

They've got a taste for blood!

[theme] Save yourself! Vicious

man-eating shrews! Killer

Shrews! Ya Shrews, Ya Lose!

Whatcha gonna do when they come

for you? They're big and ugly,

they've got a taste for blood!

[theme] Save yourself! Vicious

man-eating shrews! It starts

to get reeeeaaaaaaal!!!!

[theme] A shrew is humping

Lewis! The professor gets his

shotgun, and blows the shrew

away! Backup arrives, Wild

Wayne, which is his cousin!

[theme] They leave with Fiona on

the way to town! They flip over

the car! Shrews are everywhere!

[theme] Captain Jack

Frost bitch lock down the

town! Lock it down! He's

yelling "hold the line!"

[theme] Shrews are taking over!

Killing everybody! Time to drop

the nuke! Wayne shows up outta

nowhere on his motorcycle!

[theme] He grabs the nuke

[what?!] right in his hands

[what!!?!?] he's a crazy ass

man everything is going ham!!!

[theme] Killer Shrews! Ya

Shrews, Ya Lose! Whatcha

gonna do when they come for

you? They're big and ugly!

They've got a taste for blood!

[theme] Save yourself!

Vicious man-eating shrews!

Killer Shrews! Ya Shrews,

Ya Lose! Whatcha gonna do

when they come for you?!

[theme] They're big! And ugly!

They've got a taste for blood!

Save yourself! Save yourself!

[theme] Vicious man-eating

shrews! Run run ruuuun!!!

[theme] Shreeeeeeeeeews!

Yeah!

[clapping]

That was shrewtastic!

Yeah I love this movie-

Hey whattya doin' ya old Mel

Brooks looking' sonofabitch?!!

Hey hey hey! I'm

watching the movie-

Get outta my house! This

ain't the country club!

Wait!

Just get out!!!

Hey wait a minute! I-

AHHHHHH!

Attack of the Killer Shrews! (2016) - full transcript