At Stake: Vampire Solutions (2012) - full transcript

In other news,

we still have no word on

the missing campers

reported last Saturday.

After combing the forest

area, where the campers

were last seen,

search and rescue workers

are not optimistic.

Vampire control teams

have been called in.

Early reports suggest

that this may be the latest

in a series of vampire

attacks in our city.

First responders to the

scene in Cordova report

coming into contact with

at least three vampires,

but finding signs that there

may be more in the area.

Well since the development

began back in the early '30s

for a vaccine or cure, we've

actually made many advances

towards that goal.

What most people don't

realize, however,

is that the virus

mutates like the flu,

or any other virus.

People need to keep

track of the vampire force

in their area, just like

you do with sex offenders

and other criminals.

I talk to people all

the time who tell me

they have no idea

vampires were in the area.

Originally it was intended as

a way for one to

protect themselves from the viciousness

of an enraged bear attack.

However, some of the ideas

and technologies have

superseded the needs of

simple bear attack protection.

Welcome to Northern Mississippi.

I'm Evan Shandling,

and it's here that I've

chosen to film my thesis for graduation.

Here's where I'll fully

explore the struggles

of the working class

of today's economy,

known to see what they're

really going through

due to our current climate and

per our latest administration.

Not only that, but I'll do

so by showcasing employees

in one of the most dangerous,

and often,

thankless jobs there really is,

vampire removal.

Small business probably never

looked clearer on film, I bet.

Yeah, well this is the place,

so let's go inside

and hopefully meet everybody.

Okay guys, I'll be interviewing

you each by yourselves

at different times during

this week.

A week!

(Mumbles) boss man, ain't

no way he makes it a week.

Am I right, or am I right?

Roy man, shut up.

Yeah, anyway,

we'll do several group sessions

like this, when we can too.

Okay Carl, if you could just

go ahead and sit right there,

in the middle, okay...

Yeah, just like that,

okay now Kevin and Eddie,

can you just get in the shot.

Right here?

All right everybody.

On the count of three,

I'm gonna need you to say hi,

we are At Stake Vampire Solutions.

Ready, one, two, three.

Hi, we are At Stake Vampire Solutions.

Okay, Carl,

now that I got you here,

I'm a little concerned.

I get the sense that I'm

not really wanted here.

A few of the team

don't seem too happy.

That's not it at all man.

You just saw which one of

them owes me some money.

It was a real question around here

whether or not you'd show up.

Bets were placed.

Oh, okay.

Seriously though, we did

schedule some news reporters

to do stories on us, it would've

been good exposure for us.

Good for business,

but at the last minute,

these professional news guys.

No show, and that's a

tough pill to swallow.

So it was really highly

debatable that you'd show up.

I bet on you, but I do

need to ask you something.

Do you have some kind

of death wish son?

Because following us around,

not gonna be too peachy for you.

Matter of fact,

it's gonna get nasty, yes, yes.

It's just after 10:00 PM.

We're responding to a

call from a park ranger

and local police here at

Arkla Lakes.

Some campers reportedly

haven't come back as expected.

Okay, so how do they attack?

I mean, are we just gonna get

rushed by a bunch of them?

Well they are scavengers,

so you never truly know sometimes.

I think the answer

you're looking for is

if we get rushed,

can we handle it.

And that would be a yes,

we'll fuck 'em up real good

with a face full of glass marbles.

What, you're shooting marbles?

Yeah, we're a small business,

that's what you get.

Money's tight,

so we have to work as cheaply

efficient as we can, these

are modded paint ball guns.

We kicked up the air compression

and freeze our barrels

(Mumbles) for firing glass marbles.

They don't just turn

them into riot guns,

essentially either.

Vampires, being soft dying

tissue for the most part,

we can really tear them up,

slow them down at least.

Huh, that's still a good thing.

Fuckin'-A you're right.

That's our Roy,

professionally comforting

with words.

I hope we're not hunting

a bear like the last time.

Yeah, I nearly forgot about that.

Yeah, that was some shit

right there.

Oh come on now, it was a fun night

from what I can remember.

Yeah, that's because

you're a psychopath.

So firing modded paintball

guns worked on a bear?

Yeah, that's my thoughts exactly.

It sure slowed his ass

down enough for us to scatter.

Well, at least it's not a bear.

So it's definitely a vampire?

Yes, yes.

That definitely

sounds like one of them.

There may be more than one,

the rest are just deaf.

Hurry up.

Hey, come on man, don't push me.

I call point.

I swear, that girl was

just born in (Mumbles).

If she didn't have this job,

she'd probably want the

one throwing the switch

in the electric chair down in Texas.

I heard that.

What, you can't

accept the fact that

a girl wants to have a little fun.

Shit I'll give you some fun.

He's right at us,

he's coming towards us.

Sweep formation!

Slow approach!

Oh shit! (Mumbles).

Whoa, come here Evan,

get a shot of that shit!

That's vampire shish

kabob right there.

Watch out, I got this.

Oh, holy shit!

Guys, still got

some more campers to find.

It's just after 11:00 PM.

I think we found our campers.

I got this, come on,

let's have us a look see.

Whoo, damn.

Oh my God.

(Mumbles) let's do this.

You too boy, get your knife out.

You may wanna get

a close up of this.

Or not.

This ain't nothing but divine justice,

don't think of it as anything less.

Now cut him up!

All right Carl,

I would like to start off today

by debunking a few of these

false perceptions about vampires.

Okay, where would

you like to begin?

Well I think a good place to begin,

and I think one of the

more popular myths,

yet one I've never really

seen anything about, really,

is vampires dying from direct sunlight.

Well that's because

it's complete bullshit.

You are never gonna see a

vampire burst into flames,

or explode into a gooey mess

because of exposure to sunlight.

Vampires wouldn't

even come out at night

if sunlight alone could kill them,

because the damn light that

comes off the moon is what?

Reflected sunlight.

Now, vampires during

the daytime are

more affected by the heat.

It be like taking a sponge

from under the ocean,

totally saturated in

water, and uprooting it,

and throwing it onto the street.

It's gonna dry out, it's gonna

die, it's gonna crumble away.

Vampires are creatures that

need to stay saturated also.

But of course it's not

water they need, it's blood.

Okay, so what about

in colder climates though?

What would we see them

about during the day then?

Well, not too cold,

they don't hold up against

the freezing temperatures

any better than anyone else.

What you need to understand

here is that the blood

they feed on, still dies

within a 24 hour period.

It doesn't provide any circulation,

it doesn't generate any heat.

We used to use those thermal

energers to track vampires,

but that didn't work out so well

It damn near got us

killed it failed so bad.

What we're finding in this

business is more evidence

to this questions debate

really, as to whether

vampires are purely instinctive,

or do they retain some

of their previous human

intelligence and memory.

It's a deep argument, and both

sides make some valid points.

We're here with Detective Richardson

who is only one of seven

officers stationed in the area.

Detective Richardson,

I'm curious to a veteran police

officers views of vampire

removal services,

the local AS:VS company, especially.

Maybe you'd even like to speak

on behalf of your coworkers

if you feel you can, you know.

Just whatever opinions

of the whole situation

you'd like to share.

I'll give you more than an opinion.

I can tell you without a doubt,

not a single police,

or rescue officer, that I

know, or have talked to,

wants to mess around

with the vampires.

Yeah, we have our

directives from above,

but not a single one

of us is crazy enough

to want that risk.

I could get stabbed, or shot,

or cut up taking down some

perps but I go to the hospital,

and nine times out of 10,

I'm gonna leave there, go

home, and see my wife and kids.

But you get one bite from a vampire,

you're looking at losing

a limb to amputation,

dying, or even worse,

turning into one of them.

Well, screw that, these

people up in Washington

continually sticking their

nose in our business down here.

They wanna use state

regulated authorities to start

contracting all vampire removals.

They want us to step

up to the plate,

and be this whole new

type of marine core,

but hey, this documentary

you're doing here,

I mean, as soon as they see

what this company, AS:VS,

is all about, see what

they go through everyday

and every night,

they might do that.

They might subsidize some

folks, get better training

for the ones all ready

willing to do the damn jobs.

Just treat them right,

quit making so many

ignorant-ass cut backs.

So, Kevin as we're

comparing the real life

vampire to the fictionalized vampire,

a popular topic that

comes up is fangs.

Do they really have fangs?

No, they don't have fangs.

What you'll see happen is

they all end up with broken,

or chipped teeth because

they bite into anyone,

or anything, they even

eat the bones too.

You know, man?

So naturally, anyone who

lives to still see a vampire

always goes on about

how awful they look,

or how menacing their teeth is.

I'm sure not before too

long you start hearing all

these stories and that's

how you get all these

vibes about these fang filled monsters.

My name is O'Del Turner,

I'm groundskeeper of

Magnola Cemetery now

for about 17 years.

Mr. O'Del, please

share any unique views

you may have on vampires

and a company like AS:VS.

I don't know that

I got too unique a view.

Something that's always stuck

with me about them, though,

good many years ago,

I worked for the big city zoo,

two counties over in Ridgeland.

I remember having to learn

up on these particularly

huge lizards they brought

in from Indonesia,

called them Komodo Dragons.

They want us studied up on

the fact that feeding them,

and wrangling with

them if we had to,

would be far riskier than

even being with the lions.

Problem being that they

have about the worse

mouths you could imagine,

full of jagged teeth

and old festering meat just

stays stuck up in there.

Worst bacteria you could

imagine gets backed up.

And it's instantly in your

bloodstream from the first bite.

Now, you might get away from

one after that first bite,

might even let you go on purpose.

But that's just them

playing you for sport.

They'll wait for that

first bite to get at you,

then they'll have a real go

at you.

Anyway, that's why I never

ramble around

the cemetery without my shovel.

Done lost count a long

time back how many vamps

I've kept away from

with this here fellow.

Yes sir, I've definitely

appreciated the AS:VS

workers over the years.

No matter how many employee

changes they've gone through,

they always do solid work.

Now that Carl, he trains them right.

They're not about

trying to learn on them

like some of the

groups you hear about.

Nope, they find them,

they kill them,

and that's the only

way as I see it.

So Kevin, I get that you're

second in charge at AS:VS?

Based on seniority, definitely.

We're all pretty equal though.

We better be, you know.

Of course Eddie is still

considered a trainee,

but you know, he'll be

up to speed in no time.

That's if he hangs around.

Man, I must have been in

this place about 50 times

in my four years on the job.

I'm still amazed by all

the artistry that goes

into these huge headstones.

I mean, they just don't

make them like this anymore.

Hope it down sound morbid

or anything like that,

I just appreciate the history.

Nah, actually what

I got out of your statement

is that you're surprisingly

clear headed at a time like this.

And it's kind of wild

to think that any of you

could calmly think

about something else.

You get used to it.

Ain't nothing but a thing.

Ah, don't go lying now, guys.

Yeah, some people

just try to act angry

or tough all the time,

it's their facade.

They don't want you

to really know they're

affected by anything at all.

They're just really trying to

hide what's really underneath.

Fact is, we're all scared.

I mean, we might speak or act

a certain way on the outside,

but inside,

we're just like how you and

Eddie over there look right now.

All right,

so we've been in the cemetery

for maybe about an

hour and a half now,

and I can clearly hear that

we are being surrounded.

We're just being circled.

There's just one of them,

but he's playing with us

pretty good.

Okay, then just

one is sizing us up.

It's toying with us

like an animal might.

You can see that the AS:VS

team has formed a circle

with their backs to me,

and they call this the keep

formation because they

are protecting me,

a civilian, like a king

atop a central tower refuge.

This is getting wild.

Oh boy, we got a faster one here.

Show yourself fuckhead,

come get some!

I can't see shit,

I don't have a shot.

You're doing just fine Eddie,

you keep your wits about you,

and hold in your formation.

That's all I need

you to do right now.

Just wait for it son,

it will make a go at us.

It's just getting its courage up.

Oh shit no,

it's using the headstones,

I can kind of see it, and my

camera can barely make it out.

Which direction?

Show us where.

I think that it's just

a couple in front of us now.

Don't get giddy now.

If we had some fuckin' night vision,

this shit would be done by now.

Amy, it is right in front of you!

I'll circle around him.

Amy, I can't say that's

a good idea with this one.

I got this, come on camera boy.

Amy.

Shit!

Everybody break wide,

cover Amy's back.

Watch your lines of fire!

You better know

what the hell you're doing!

Damn it, I think I missed.

Whoo, it's on now!

There he is!

Well hell, check him out!

I'm sure those neck

shots are probably mine.

I think if you dig those out,

you'd see those were mine Boss Man.

I wanna know who's

aiming for his ass.

You taking ass shots boy?

No.

Look at all those marbles in

his ass.

I didn't ass blast him, you did.

Who cares, I'm happy the

kid actually hit the target.

True enough, you did good son,

you did real good.

So the marbles

are laced with something

that kills them, is that what..

No, we're waiting to

see if any of his vampire

friends come for him.

Since nobody's coming,

hold my gun!

See, I save all my

energy for the fight.

But I know we all have

our ways about us.

Kevin, the vampire mythology's breaking

down to a reality with every

minute that I spend with

you guys, and something

that I've noticed is I've

not seen or smelled

a hint of garlic.

So is that just yet

another piece of fiction?

You know, garlic has its uses,

but so far

a deterrent is not what

it's made out to be.

For centuries, garlic was always

known as a blood thinner.

Per actual facts

that you come across,

they used to stuff garlic

in the mouths of the dead,

and they would throw

them inside the caskets

before sealing them

and burying them.

Now before we had

all these cutbacks,

we were working with a veterinarian

at a local pet hospital.

He was all for helping us

convert these tranquilizer

guns into injecting

darts of minced garlic.

Never got to test them

though, but still,

I don't think it would do

anything but slow them down.

Now what really puts them

on their ass is silver.

Silver, really?

Yeah, oh yeah, we surprised

how well silver works.

Do explain.

You know what,

all this talk about garlic,

I'm getting kind of hungry, craving.

You mind if we finish

the rest of the interview

at Italia Deli, it's a

great little place in town.

Uh, yeah, sure, I mean,

as long as they'll

sign the release for filming there.

So the best garlic can

do is sicken a vampire

that drinks your garlic ingested

blood stream, basically.

But you said that silver

was the real deal.

I mean, how so?

Silver, it's actually the

most amazing element on earth.

The reason we haven't eaten

with wooden forks or spoons

in since forever, because

no bacteria or virus

known to man, can survive

longer than 10 seconds

when exposed to it.

Oh, there's something else too.

They use silver to make mirrors.

The reason most

vampires don't like it,

when broken into pieces, it

becomes a very powerful weapon.

Dear AS:VS, I hope you can

shed some light and are

hopefully in our corner over

how a lot of funeral homes

are charging double for reburials.

Can we get this changed?

Ah, the only double death tax.

That is a pain in the ass though.

A few years ago, at the state capitol,

they pitched a fit about it,

but there never was

an actual law or bill passed.

So, sadly they still

can charge you twice.

See, well,

that's why I'm doing what

everyone else does these days.

Cremation?

That's right, sir.

I mean, burn me up, I can't

stand the thought of being

some ghoul up all night

terrorizing folks because

I got the cannibalism munchies,

you know?

You know what I wanna do?

I wanna be put on this tall

platform, like made out

of wood, and then I wanna

hold all my AS:VS gear,

and just burn me up like ashes.

You know, kind of like

how they used to do

with the medieval knights.

But you know what

would be even better?

You put me on this wooden boat,

and I can like hold my soul

and then ya'll can just

put me on a lake and

just put me on fire.

Just send off like the Vikings,

you know what I'm saying?

I mean, that's real warrior

sendoff right there homie.

Yeah man, that's the

real Beowulf thing.

You know, we'd have to

even chain you down or

mop your head off because

we can't have you turning

into a vampire on a burning

boat and jump in water.

You'd be a half-burned-up-ass vampire.

That's true, you know,

I'd hate to come back at all,

but I sure don't want

to be no crispy motherfucker

running around,

you know what I'm saying?

There is that.

Cremation.

Cremation.

Cremation.

Hey, welcome to Oakdale Sanitarium,

and we're in the basement now.

We're about to do our third

sweep here tonight.

A lot of people commonly

mistake the symptoms

of vampirism with other diseases,

such as mental dementia,

and when that happens,

they bring them to the

asylums and sanitariums

for treatment, instead of

doing what needs to be done.

Damn right.

Right, like I said,

we're about to begin our third

sweep, we've all ready

cleared floors one and two.

All hospital crew and

patients have previously

been evacuated up to

floors three and four.

So if you follow us,

we'll show you how we

handle this particular infestation.

Hell yeah.

Up next on World's Wildest

Vampire Hunts,

we go on location as (Mumbles)..

Man fuck Night Force.

Hey, y'all Night Force is on TV.

Abandoned railroad town.

Then, we'll head

further south to talk...

Hey, I'm out.

Man.

You look very nice, Amy.

Thanks.

Yeah boss man,

I need off tonight too.

Because see, Amy's old man called,

and I forgot to tell you

that he can't make it.

So I told him I'd take

care of her for him.

Um.

He didn't mind though.

That's bologna.

You are such full of shit.

My date would never talk

to or approve you, Roy,

for anything, and it's not a guy.

Come here Evan.

Hey, you got my full permission

to follow Amy tonight

instead of me, okay?

I need lots of close ups,

and tight action shots, please.

Roy, sit your ass

down and leave Evan alone.

Well, I'm just trying to get some...

I think everybody wants to...

All right, shit.

It's 10:30 and we're

responding to a domestic call

from Lita Willis's roommate.

Now apparently,

Lita's one of these girls that

dresses all gothic and

vampiric and all that bullshit.

Anyhow, this is the

first time her roommate

thinks she may have actually

came in contact with a vampire.

So we're going to check

out the situation.

All right,

we're arriving at the call,

so we're gonna see

what the situation is.

And I can tell right away that

it's a pretty stable situation.

Now, I notice that her roommate

ain't covered in blood,

so that's a positive thing.

So we can probably go ahead

and leave all of our weapons

out here in the car,

except for our knives.

Because domestically, the

last thing you wanna do

is go in all half cocked,

you know what I mean?

You end up cutting Granny's

arm off or something.

Now if this was a different

looking type of situation,

follow (Mumbles) or

something like that,

hell, we'd bring all

of our weapons in,

we wouldn't risk it.

But this one looks like

it may be all right.

You the one that called?

Hey, Roy Pickett, AS:VS.

Now this filming won't

be on national TV, right?

No, no.

Because if it even

ends up on the internet,

I will find you.

Wait, I thought

you said we could film here?

No, it's cool, it's cool,

everything's fine.

Now, just calm down, please.

I know you're emotional,

but just tell us.

Tell us what's going on

so we can help you out.

Lita, she came home

from a friends house,

she had blood running down

on chest and her back.

She locked herself in her

bathroom, she won't come out.

And I was about to

take the doorknob off,

but she started making these

noises, like an animal.

I've never heard it before,

so I started to fear the worst,

and I thought I'd call you guys.

Well, how about you let

me and my buddy, Eddie,

here take a look at it,

and we'll see if we

can help you out.

Yeah, okay,

just you'll do your best

not to hurt her, right?

Oh yeah, of course, of course.

This is fucked up, I'm starting

to get kind of sick here.

Well, suck it up,

because if she's bitten,

it ain't gonna get no better.

All right, Eddie,

before we get up here,

I wanna make sure you keep your

... together, all right?

Don't ... freak out on me.

Evan, don't panic.

Or, just be cool.

Lita?

Alita Wallace?

It's Willis.

Well I know that dumb-ass,

we're checking for coherence.

Lita honey, we're with animal control.

We think you may have hit

an animal on the way in,

and we just wanna talk to you.

Let me see that little

toothpick you call a knife.

It's sharp.

I fuckin' know that.

You in?

Yeah.

All right, you got my back?

Yeah.

Let's fuckin' do it.

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait!

She ain't turned yet.

Um, Roy, I think she's bit.

Oh God, that looks awful.

Yes, it does.

Should I kill her?

No, no, no, wait, she

ain't turned yet Eddie, damn.

She's pretty out of it though.

By the looks of it, I'd

say she got bit probably

earlier on this evening,

something like that.

So what I'm gonna do is

I'm gonna go ahead and

restrain her, because

that's the best way to make

sure if she does turn,

she ain't gonna be taking

a plug out of our ...,

that's for damn sure.

That's the best thing you can do.

At least until we figure out

what the ... going on.

Eddie, look underneath

that sink there,

see if there's any

peroxide or alcohol,

or anything like that.

All right, there's this.

Gauze, just get

whatever you can get me.

Alita honey, this is

gonna burn like a bitch

but this is about all anybody

can do for you right now.

Lita?

Eddie, go down there and

make sure she don't come up here.

Is she okay, what happened?

Keep her downstairs, damn it.

Oh God!

Lita, Lita!

Hey, it's cool.

No, no, I need to get to her.

No, it's fine, no.

Let me help, Lita!

Listen, listen, listen,

the alcohol is burning,

that's what it's supposed to do,

all right.

That means she's still

alive, she's still with us.

Okay, she's not a vampire,

not just yet.

But look, go downstairs.

But I need to help her.

I need you..

I need to get to her!

That's not a good idea.

No, I need to..

God damn it, Roy, hurry up!

Uh, you guys,

I had no idea that you

guys had to act as EMT's too.

I can't believe this bitch

won't stop bitching and moaning.

Well you better get yourself

an MP3 player or something,

because this is pretty routine.

Now this is how it is.

You know, if there's even

a suspected bitten person,

they don't call us out here.

I guarantee you they call the

cops, or an ambulance first.

And as soon as they

say the word vampire,

that was the end of the

conversation, right there.

Okay, I've got

the personal side to why

they won't respond, but

is there a legal side?

Oh yeah, there's lots

of legal bullshit involved.

All right, for instance,

okay, say you got a bitten

person, and they get admitted

to a hospital, or something,

well if that happens,

you're putting

everybody there at risk.

And say that person

turns into a vampire,

and they start attacking people,

well then that protocol

gets dead simple,

they'll call a team like us in,

and tell us just

clean the place out.

No prejudice, just clean it

out, kill everything in there.

When's the last time that happened?

It ain't ever happened with us,

but you know, they'll usually

call in like a bigger,

more established team.

Well that outfit up there

in Ridgeland, Knott Forest,

they had a couple clean

sweeps back in '99 and '06,

I believe it was, they

had an emergency center

and a nursing home they

cleaned out.

You know them sons of bitches

still cocky about that shit.

I hate them bastards,

I can't be around them more

than 20 seconds, I wanna

kick the shit out of them.

Oh hey, she finally

shut the fuck up.

That's awesome.

Yeah, but why?

Does it really matter,

as long as she stopped

bitching and moaning,

I'm cool with that.

No, well this could be a lot worse.

You ready?

Nope.

Let's get her!

Hold her down, get her!

Fuck! Hold her down!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Oh, you ready?

Who in the hell keeps turning

off my Christmas lights?

Damn, ain't you got

no Christmas spirit?

Shit! There, ho, ho, ho.

So Roy, tell us about the training.

The methods, or whatever

the textbook protocol

is for killing vampires,

if there is one.

Killing them killing them really.

No, we do got a few

tactical formations that

Carl taught us from back

in his military days.

Did you know he's black ops?

Son of a bitch is bad ass,

I know he don't look it,

but he is, yes sir.

Tackle that motherfucker, damn.

Anyhow, we stick mainly to

the modified paintball guns

and hand to hand weapons,

because they're hell of a lot

less expensive

upkeep than guns are.

... with ammo going

through the roof,

and all this recession ...

The upkeep on them is just

crazy, can't afford it.

You know, matter of fact,

last time I used an

automatic gun, it left a

sour taste in my mouth.

Son of bitch jammed on me.

It about got me killed,

luckily though,

the vampires attacking,

they didn't have much on

them together, so I hit

(Mumbles) in his head

apart with a gun handle,

it was funny as shit

So I take it the

paintball guns don't jam then?

I mean, they're automatics too.

That's a fair question,

I hear you.

Any gun nut ike

myself will tell you though,

if you keep 'em clean, you

won't have much trouble.

But then again, paintball guns

ain't shooting cartridge

shells either.

There's ain't nobody

reloading a jammed cartridge

before some vampire bites

his fuckin' balls off.

For flat out efficiency though..

Catch that fuckin' ball!

Damn these son of

bitches are retarded.

Okay, so back to the question.

Which weapon do you

think does the best job?

Not to sound contradictory

but it ain't no gun.

Those sons of bitches

are pain in the ass.

They'll jam up on you,

even the paintball guns.

Hell, you gotta change

out those CO2 cartridges,

that will get you bit.

You know I think,

as far as I'm concerned,

I like a nice large

well balanced knife.

That or a claw hammer.

Them son of bitches,

I tell you what, you know

they're good if you wanna be quick,

get the vampire coming,

get the next one behind it,

get to the side, you can do

some damage with them bastards.

Get you one of them machine

rocking claw hammers,

one of them that's got

the ends are straight out,

and not curved, that will

hook in the bone and such.

That shit will slow you down.

They're made for doing damage,

I tell you.

Man, I'd go on for

days about the way

I done killed vampires.

One time, me and Kevin got

out on this service call,

and there's this lady, she...

Catch that fuckin' ball!

What they asking about this time?

I was wondering how

the whole wooden stake

to the heart myth was started.

Because it seems that

that one isn't true.

Well, sir, that basically

got started back in the day,

I mean like way back in the day.

And what it was is there was

pretty much two classifications

of people, you had the rich mo-fo's

and you had the peasants

who didn't have shit.

So what they did,

was since they didn't have any

metal objects to use,

they just got wood,

and anytime they had

a vampire problem,

they just carve them

out a sharp end on it,

and stab them with it, they

just used what they had.

Hey man, I think I'd probably

use the longest spear

that I could find, that

had thorns on them.

Like the really long Jesus thorns.

That'd be cool.

I think I'd use my

manly good looks to bag

me a blacksmiths daughter,

that way I could

make metal weapons.

There you go, be pretty sweet.

Then we could make

our own custom weapons

for just destruction.

I don't think it'd be that easy.

How do you plan on paying?

I could bring you hot chicks,

because that's what I'm best at.

What if they ain't hot enough?

I tell you what, you need to

just bring me some whiskey,

or some homemade liquor,

either one.

You know what, I could

make some dental tools

and start pulling all the

teeth out of dead people

before we bury them.

Oh man, that'd be pretty sweet.

Then we could like make

necklaces from vampire teeth,

and bracelets.

Now you're talking,

I tell you what,

we're gonna get rich you

keep thinking that way.

That's what's up.

You guys are dumbasses.

Are we not going inside?

We've been sitting

out here for a while.

Remember when I told

you we owe 51 Supply

quite a bit for our supplies.

I meant that literally.

Sorry man, I didn't

know you wanna go in.

Yes sir, we got a pretty thick

credit line going with them.

Okay, so why are

we just sitting here then?

I'm waiting for around

closing time,

which is right about now,

I'm gonna drop this check off,

and then I won't have to

worry about it clearing

until after 2:00 tomorrow.

You wanted to know how much

we struggle to stay afloat,

well this is a good

example for you, right?

Having this business

is all about timing.

Pulling triggers, paying bills.

At Stake Vampire Solutions,

this is Kevin speaking,

how may I help you?

On Starlanding Road, right?

Yeah, I know exactly where it is.

At the barn?

Oh, in the farmhouse itself.

Yeah, well we can check both,

no problem, of course.

No, sir, exactly what

you've been doing.

Just keep exactly what

you've been doing.

Have you checked anybody for wounds?

Get everybody safety accordingly?

Very good, we should be

there in about the next

30 minutes or so, maybe less.

Thank you.

Yeah, we appreciate you

calling us, thank you sir.

All right, bye.

What you got?

Some idiot teenagers

is hid out in the barn,

over there at Starlanding Road.

Over there by the train tracks.

They're in there smoking dope,

and apparently,

they spotted two vampires.

Now, the kids father said

that he checked everybody

for wounds, but how they

sounded over the phone,

it sounds like it

should be a legit call.

Evan, you're turning out

to be a pretty good luck

charm, you know it?

Any other week, we would

have had a week full

of false alarms by now, cool.

It's 6:42 PM, all ready dark here,

and actually a bit cold outside,

winter's definitely settling in.

But even if it wasn't,

I think the hairs on

my arm would still be standing,

from the looks of this place.

Amy, on the job,

you seem to be more of

the hardened team member.

This is only your year

and a half mark, correct?

Are you calling me callous?

Uh, no.

I'm just fucking with you,

keep your panties on.

Wait, did you actually just smile?

What smile, why don't

you shut the fuck up

before you get eaten.

Okay gang, I see no sign that

the vampires have been here.

It looks like a false alarm,

damn it.

I mean, what

are the signs that we'd

be looking for anyway,

in this barn?

Well, no vampire's gonna

call this place a home,

and keep it clean.

There'd be blood splattered everywhere,

small dead animals,

at least some bones.

There ain't none of that here.

All right,

let's go check out the house.

Hey guys,

I don't mean to slow you up

or anything, but I've gotta

go change the batteries on

my camera, I left some

back in the car, can I go?

Go ahead, you're not

gonna miss anything.

Come on, let's go.

You guys get a lot of false alarms?

Sometimes.

Gosh, do you at least get to charge

them for making you come

all the way out here.

Carl does all the paperwork.

You look kind of

pissed off that you didn't

get to kill a vampire.

Well, we don't have

any other calls to go on.

Where'd you say those

batteries were?

I left them in the...

Oh shit.

I saw it, I saw it.

Guys!

Hey Evan, does that thing

have night vision on it?

I don't know if it has it,

but if it did,

we'd just probably drain

the battery faster anyways.

Guys!

Oh okay, thank God,

I think they heard you.

I hope so, there's more than one.

You're sure?

Does it look like I'm kidding?

What's up Amy?

Looks like we're

fixed to have some fun,

there's at least two over there.

Oh shit.

Just when I was about to get mad

over another prank call.

Man I was really getting used

to the idea of a prank call.

I do not wanna have to circle

the vehicles for this guys.

Huh, me either, I don't

trust old Eddie's aim yet.

We won't have any windows left.

Yeah, like it's his

aim I'm worried about.

Dang it, we are gonna have to

do this the hard way, guys.

What's that mean?

It means I'm gonna

die in your movie, Evan.

Evan, get your stuff together.

Get inside the vehicle

as soon as we start.

Secure yourself, because this

is probably gonna get nasty.

We'll get over here.

Get in!

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I guess so, everybody good?

Whatever.

Did you get all that?

Yup, sure did.

Intense and awesome, huh?

Hey, I think you're smiling again.

Shut the fuck up.

All right, so Amy,

you've got to be

the perfect persona to ask

this of.

What do you think about

the general public's

false perception, or you know,

that whole draw

towards the pretty vampire mythology?

And why would I be the

perfect one to ask that of?

I hate it, I can't stand

any of that shit.

Vampires are just ravenous,

nasty-ass creatures

with no sense of hygiene.

No sense of fashion,

and they sure as fuck

aren't socialites

bitching about (Mumbles)

between sucking ass

at skateboard tricks.

Yeah, I'd figured you'd have

the better answer on that one.

So, let's take it to another topic.

Coffins and crypts.

Sure enough all ready,

that that's just

centuries old, if true.

Well, do you have anything to add?

It's retarded.

Vampires are basically

walking cases of

brain and syphilitus.

They're like Alzheimer patients.

They know enough like

when they need shelter,

but they don't know

where they had it last.

So barring the smart ones,

most of them just act

like animals, then?

Right.

I gotta go.

Are you going on a call?

No, just a meeting.

Okay, do you think

I can maybe tag along?

Hey Pam, thanks for

doing this with us today.

Vampires are third on

the list of squatters,

believe it or not.

There's homeless, then drug

addicts, and then vampires.

Yeah, it seems like

they'll move into any

vacant building available to them.

Yeah, I was telling him that earlier.

Were you wanting this film

speaking to the economy?

About eight months ago,

I ran this diagnostic graph.

And what I found was that

as the home foreclosure rate

increased, so did the

home break in rates.

63% of those homes,

vampires were found.

And yet another strike

against our administration,

and ignorant laws.

Oh, I'm no political person.

But it's obvious that

the economic climate that

we've been in, is causing

an increase in the vampires

in our community.

Naturally, we don't mind the work.

But the over all situation

doesn't bode well for our town.

I especially don't like

the thought of those fuckers

nesting in places where

people wanna raise their kids.

You know, I couldn't agree

with you more on that one.

Hey internet followers.

This question is from Barbara Jean.

Why does Hollywood make

films that glorify vampires

like they are superheroes?

Is it going to make a

whole gen-generation

want to start being vampires?

Come on, that's a good question.

It's common sense.

You haven't noticed

that Hollywood glorifies

the wrong things?

It doesn't strike you

as odd that you go and

see films with vigilantes,

muscle headed one-man armies

taking out everyone?

Or soap operas showcasing

the glories of whoring

around the entire city?

Fucking idiots man.

She didn't mean that,

she's just ... a bitch

Personally, I really like

those Wesley Snipes movies.

I mean, if I was gonna be a vampire,

it'd be that motherfucker,

but I mean,

you guys do know that

vampires don't know jiu jitsu

and kung fu, all they

wanna do is eat you.

News flash people, movies

aren't about life lessons.

So get it clear.

But..

On second thought, you know what,

be as stupid as you like,

job security, okay.

I was just wondering, what,

if anything,

have you seen on the

job that might make

you consider quitting?

Nothing.

And it's directly because of

the many instances I've seen

of an elderly couple being attacked.

Each time it looked like

they didn't even fight back.

I'm getting on age myself,

and I refuse to become complacent.

Lounge around the house, watch

soap operas during the day,

and go to bingo at night, no, no.

I'm staying active.

Well, I don't know

about making me quit but

I seen a vampire eating

a man's penis off once,

that was pretty fucked up.

I almost quit when

my nephew was killed.

Didn't even want him working

with us,

but I knew he wasn't gonna

get a job doing much else.

Still remember him

walking through that

old church we were in.

He had his handgun

and he was hollering.

I'm gonna peace-out you

bitches ... (Mumbles)

Three vampires rushed at

him and tore him apart,

before Carl and I could even

get off one shot at them.

I credit Carl for keeping

me through the weekend,

help me staying with it.

I don't like seeing...

I don't like seeing kids half eaten.

A fuckin' vampire dude,

that's bad enough.

All right so,

break down this call for me.

This lady calls,

says she met this guy online,

made a date with him, then

for a few nights in a row,

he kept showing up with blood

on him,

asking for an invitation to

get in.

I'm thinking stalker

who's obsessed with

old vampire myths, there's

plenty of those people around.

Yeah man, I mean,

that's what I was thinking.

I mean, any vampire I've

ever heard of would at

least try and break

in and eat the bitch.

Hear that America?

Vampires just don't wait

around to be invited into your

house, just more fiction.

Well I wouldn't write

it off completely yet.

I mean, it's still possible,

although I think

it's really slim in this case.

But history does support

some stories of intelligent,

old world vampires seeking invitations.

Many years ago, they

learned to dress like royals

garnering invites to the gatherings.

While the instinctive

vampires would just try

storming the castle walls,

and they'd just be killed immediately.

But these intelligent vampires,

they can feed pretty

well for one night.

Get the lay of the kingdom,

leave the next day,

come back time and again using

that same royal disguise.

And on their side, were

the embarrassed royals,

who were morons.

Instead of being publicly

embarrassed by the havoc

that was wreaked, they would

find some poor peasant

to blame it on,

put him in stockades,

hang him, have him stoned,

something like that.

Carl, I went..

I think you zigged,

when you should've zagged

back there, Eddie.

Well didn't you...

Fuck it.

Okay, what?

Yeah that's it,

take a right up here.

So, ultimately, this started out

just as a bunch of gossip?

Yeah, these guys are like,

these assholes that

create the bullshit stories

for the tabloid magazines.

Kind of like that, anyway,

fast forward hundreds

of years and you got

intelligent vampires

who are doing the invitation bit.

I've saved this one for us, boss.

I think it's the best

one we've had in a while.

Good, all right.

Let's see, I'd like to

know how much you know

about the vampire strains.

The media keeps saying there

are only two in existence,

but what do you guys think?

Well, unfortunately, we

don't have lab capabilities.

We're just in the extermination

and clean up services.

But that don't mean we

don't pay attention.

I really do see four different

strains in this area.

One is splotchy looking, no

matter what shape it's in.

Another is one that tends

to travel on all fours,

more animalistic.

There's a third one that is mindless,

lethargic, zombie like.

And then there's one

that we like to call

the intelligent vampire.

And I know that the news

loves to argue this one.

But I've seen a dozen

or so in my time.

And I swear,

I wouldn't know it if he

stood next to me at the supermarket.

I wouldn't know until the

damn thing come after me.

It kind of looks like the

house I grew up in with my mom.

There she is, there we go.

Just park right up here.

There we go.

Hi, I'm Renee.

Hey.

Thanks for coming so quickly.

The sun was starting to set

and I was really worried

you guys weren't

gonna make it in time.

Sorry, it's a bit

down the bin for us,

from where we've been before.

It's a nice place you've got here.

Oh yeah, it's a wonderful community.

It's really hidden,

I have great neighbors.

We look out for each other,

but nobody's been

wanting to take their

chances with this guy

that's been coming around lately.

So, is he filming something?

Just documenting for us personally,

don't worry, nothing public.

Oh, okay then..

This is..

Oh, just call me Renee,

Renee's fine.

Okay, Renee.

Do you mind showing

me around the outside

of this place real quick?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, you guys will have to come

in through the front door.

Some friends of mine

and I got a project

going out in the garage, just

to keep me busy, you know.

Trying to keep my mind at ease.

Okay, front door's just fine.

All right, it's this way.

She's either a damn good actress,

or something's legitimately

scaring her to death.

Yeah, she did look really scared.

Even before she saw the camera.

Man, I'm gonna freak out if

we have

to hunt a smart vampire.

I've never heard a good

story of that ending well.

You won't.

Hey Eddie, get the gear.

Yeah, fuck it.

So, how do you think

my interview went?

It's fine.

Oh, sorry, I'll stop

bothering you about it.

I just don't wanna look

like a dork, you know?

Too late.

There, out near that tall

cedar tree, that's him.

I know it.

Lady, if you had a rifle,

this would be a done

situation all ready.

Vampire or not,

I would blast him out

of my yard all ready.

Well I do have a shotgun,

but I'm afraid of how hard it kicks.

That guy is as stiff as a pole.

Look at him, he's not

moving at all, what a freak.

Evan, can you zoom

in on him with that camera?

He's not even moving,

I can't even tell if he's breathing.

His face,

can you see his face at all?

No, he's just a silhouette really.

Well this is disturbing.

Hell, maybe he wants to be a scarecrow.

Let's go out there and pelt him,

and burn him up like one.

Nope, I don't like this.

It feels like he's baiting us.

Renee, you just heard

the one guy, right?

That's what it sounded like.

Just him slowly messing

around outside,

going to each of my

windows and doors,

but never really trying to

get inside.

What you thinking?

Doesn't feel right, not at all.

Let's just sit tight and

wait this guy out a bit.

So, how is business going?

North Mississippi's pretty

good, pretty busy.

I can't believe this is happening.

Shit there's more out there!

Shit, I could've took him out

with that shotgun already.

It's been two hours

now and he's finally moving.

Ooh look, there's another one.

It looks like a woman.

Yeah, we got a duo.

I think there's probably more,

they just don't wanna be seen yet.

Why are they coming here?

What did I do to them?

Maybe they want a threesome.

Ass.

How did you really meet this guy?

Tell me the truth.

I was online,

it was a vegan chat room.

A what?

She's a vegan, she's a purist.

You talked about purity of

body online,

I bet you were the purest

vegan on the chat room,

weren't you?

I was the only vegan in

the chat room, so what?

It's this bad, I was

just trying to promote

my yoga and vegan classes

that I do here at the house.

You're kidding, you do your

health classes here, huh?

None of this makes any sense.

You don't go online and tell everybody

about yourself, Renee.

You just advertised

healthy blood to vampires

who know that means a

healthier life for them.

Did you get that, it's a death

wish, do you understand that?

I didn't know.

Damn, there's more

of them out there now.

Figures.

Well, what if we call

those guys from Ridgeland?

Fuck them.

Why don't you shut the fuck up?

Eddie man, they wouldn't even care

enough to make an effort.

Fuck!

No cops, no fireman,

and no other team

that's gonna come and help us.

We're the only ones that

deal with vampires, so.

You can call the

national guard if you want,

but shit, they'd have to

have a meeting about it

just to figure out how many

people to send out here.

And we'd be dead by then.

It was just the one guy.

He followed me home after the movie,

because you know, we were..

Tell me what really happened

at the end of that date.

You brought him home, and...

So what got you started in

this line of work?

I wanna know what passion

drives you to do this job,

you know, just as well as you do.

I retired early from

the military because

my wife had cancer,

she passed pretty quick.

I just couldn't sit around

the house watching the news,

seeing how bad things

were getting everywhere.

Only that outfit in Ridgeland

had the closest place around,

so I started up AS:VS.

I'm glad I did it,

I love what I do.

I mean, I'm not really the

college type.

My grades were never

really high enough,

and military won't accept me

because of all of my tattoos.

So it was, of course,

I was gonna end up in some

type of manual labor work.

It was either this or the

other job.

And what's the other job?

Crab fishing, in Alaska.

That's a good question.

Well, I've been a hunter

since I was about five

and my daddy took me.

I killed my first deer

when I was about seven.

But I didn't bag my first

vampire til I was 16 though.

Me and this pretty

little redhead (Mumbles),

took her up park in

old bluff in my pickup.

This vampire come out,

luckily I always got my shotgun

in my seat, so I blew that

son of bitch's head clean off.

And then, after that,

I spent a couple years up

in Pennsylvania doing a

welding job.

Once my contract was up,

moved back here,

and seen that Carl done

opened this place up,

so I figured this was a good fit.

Just kind of bred into it.

Rest of everything is just

history in the making.

I used to post office worker,

if you can believe that.

I hated every Monday,

when the guy would come in

with page after page of

a new missing persons.

It fueled the fire inside

of me to wanna make

a difference physically.

This job coming along

allowed me just to do that.

Do you realize

that with what I've filmed

you doing to vampires, it just,

you know,

helps the stereotype towards

postal worker aggression.

Oh come on man, that ain't me,

is it?

You know what,

your questions have been prying

at me all week, so let's

just get it over with.

My family was attacked

at a rest stop one night.

I was the only one

who didn't have to go.

So I was the only one

who stayed in the car.

I locked the doors, and I

didn't move at all after that.

I couldn't move.

I couldn't move when vampires

tore apart my whole family.

I couldn't even move

when the police officer

showed up hours later,

banging on the windows,

for me to let them in to help me.

Is that good enough for you.

I'm so sorry.

Shut up.

Holy shit, guys,

there's three more over there!

Look, we're not

gonna judge you, okay.

You said you brought him home, and...

I opened the garage and

I pulled in,

but he wouldn't get out of

his car.

I just thought he was being shy.

He said we were moving too fast,

and that he'd call me.

So I walked up and kissed him,

and then he left,

that was it, I swear.

The garage.

Hoo, that's strong.

I know that smell.

Renee, you might be

the luckiest purist there is.

What is it?

What do you mean?

You made your cleaning

supplies out of lye?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

This is gonna be an old

school solution.

Hey, hand me that shotgun.

Hey what if we just wait here,

barricade ourselves in?

We can wait, but I

don't think they will.

Plus, the rate they're

showing up out there,

I think we need to hurry.

How many out there now?

They are everywhere,

front and back.

This, it better work.

It will work, I'd have it

loaded and stuff at the shop,

weren't so damn expensive

and didn't hit my insurance.

If you guys get me out of here,

I'll get you as much of

this stuff as you guys need.

Evan, I know you're here

specifically to film all this,

but I also know you

wanna live past tonight.

You've managed to stay

with us for a while,

you keep up really well.

We're gonna need another set

of hands.

Consider yourself deputized boy.

Are you serious?

All right, batteries, check.

New tape, check.

Auto, auto everything.

I wish I could focus on

something like you can.

That way I wouldn't be

so scared right now.

Evan, come on over here.

Okay guys, listen up,

here's the situation.

Unfortunately, our

vehicles are parked outside

the garage, behind the main car.

And since a mad dash

out of the garage is

a suicide mission, it

will attract every one of

those bastards.

The four of us are gonna clear

a path for the other two.

To make it to at least one vehicle,

and hopefully pick us up on

the fly.

Okay, so here's how the plan works.

Four of us are gonna load up,

and we're gonna head tearing

ass out

in this middle lawn.

We're gonna cut and shoot

our way past this clump

of trees, and then we're

gonna angle over toward

the driveway, okay?

10 seconds should be enough

time to get them on our ass

and away from the vehicles,

so that the other two can

raise the garage door,

get in the vehicle, and

meet us at the same point

on the driveway where we're headed.

Now, those of us who are

tearing ass out onto

the lawn, we're gonna

use the shotgun first.

Okay, that's you Roy.

Shoot the first cluster of

them we see

when we go out the door.

After that, we use the guns.

You gotta aim low,

don't need to kill them,

just need to slow them down,

and we need to save ammo.

Evan, that's where you come

in, you're carrying the ammo.

We gotta save every round

for holding them off

while we pile into the car.

Now here's what's important,

listen up.

If there's even a chance

that not one of us

is gonna make it to the vehicle,

even the slightest chance

that an extra split second

is not safe, then whoever

is driving, just floor it,

and don't even think about stopping.

I got four straws here,

from Renee's broom.

The short straw is who's

gonna stay back with Renee,

and go for the vehicle, got it?

Here we go.

Shit.

Amy, you're gonna have

to get Renee out of here,

no matter what.

You hear me girl, listen.

If this doesn't go well,

you leave us,

you live to fight another day.

I just, I can't lose

another family this way.

You don't ever really

lose your family, Amy.

They'll always be there for you.

It wouldn't be so bad if you weren't

making it sound like a goodbye.

Hey, carry these with

you, you might need them.

And be careful.

Hey Roy, you about

ready with that shotgun?

Yeah, just about it.

What are you looking for?

All right guys,

we're going on three.

Amy, when you hear three,

start your 10 count.

Right.

Let's stay as clustered as we can,

watch your lines of fire,

they're gonna be coming

at us from everywhere.

Evan, you stay between us, get

ready with that extra ammo.

Right.

Roy?

Yeah, just one sec.

Roy, we gotta go man.

What's he doing in there?

There.

All right, I'm good,

let's fuck them up.

All right, everybody,

take your places!

Renee, you're with Amy.

Right.

Yeah, let's fuckin' do this!

Hell yeah, ready for this Roy?

Step your game up,

step your game up.

Let's do this, let's do this!

Stay clustered, keep moving!

Here we go, on three!

One, two, three!

Amy just go, just go!

I wanted to make a film,

this film, you know,

I wanted to make a film that

made a difference in the world.

But what I learned is that

real problems are solved

by real actions.

The best kind of change

isn't brought around

by just making a film

for people to see,

it's, you know, brought

around by actually

getting out there and

doing something about it.

Amy tried to tell me,

but it just didn't sink

in right away, I guess.

But now I know.

Now I understand.

You know what, I don't care

anymore what kind of grade

I get on this project,

Professor Scott.

I don't even care if I graduate.

You know, this isn't exactly

the ending that I had

in mind for my film, but

it really doesn't change

my final decision at all.

My name is Evan Shandling,

and I'm quitting film school.

I'm focused on reopening AS:VS.

I'm gonna find Amy, and will

be hiring some new recruits.

♪ Looking around,

I've seen things I'll never be

♪ Looking around,

I've seen things I'll never be

♪ Looking around,

I've seen things I'll never be

♪ Looking around,

I've seen things I'll never be

Oh please let this

be a cool question.

Everyone gives me shit

when they're dumb.

It'll be all right,

just open up the mailbox

there and see what we got.

All right.

Hey AS:VS, would you like to increase

your penis size over night?

Is this some kind of joke?

No, I..

How about end of this crap,

man, what's the matter with you?

I swear, you just

saw me open the thing,

and just penis,

that's not my fault.

This is not funny.

Okay, let's make this quick.

Um, hey AS:VS, have you

guys ever, possibly,

seen vampirism effect any animals?

I got this one,

you just calm down.

Now I know people who

highly value the (Mumbles),

and unfortunately,

we have seen some pretty

messed up stuff along the way.

We've seen critters chewed

up, and hanging out of trees,

and guts, and we've

seen some nasty stuff.

I'm sorry, this probably

ain't helping none, is it?

Nah, dude, you fuckin'

reek man, you stink like...

Oh, I'm sorry Amy, my

nose is all stopped up,

I still got doe scent

on me from this morning.

Dude, just clean your shit up.

My place is all

covered up in deer,

and so I'm gonna bag

everyone of them.

It doesn't matter,

just clean it up.

Ugh, you stink.

Ugh, to answer your question.

No, we don't really see

vampirism effect animals.

Horses, they get bit a few

times and they just die.

Dogs and such, they're

smaller immune systems

can't handle the virus, or

they just get drained quicker,

they just die.

Cows, they're cows,

they just get torn apart.

Hey Amy,

tell them about that time we

seen that vampire eating

that pigs ... out.

Boss man said we should

just talk about that email

from that college kid.

That film kid?

Mmm hmm.

Okay, whatever, I guess

just read his email out loud.

Well all right,

I think this is it.

Okay, let's see, yeah this

is the one right here, okay.

To Carl or Kevin, AS:VS management,

my name is Evan Shandling,

and I am a film student

in my last year, soon to graduate.

It would be my dream to

document your company

for my thesis film, and final

grade this next semester.

The holiday break is coming

up and I'll have nearly

three weeks to get interviews,

research documentation,

and hopefully even

footage of you on the job.

I know that my request is out

of the left field for you,

but I have thought about

this for a year all ready.

I am very prepared to film

how your small business

is surviving in today's shaky economy.

Huh, I hope that you

take me seriously.

I am attaching my complete

contact information.

Much appreciation for your

time, Evan A. Shandling.

I don't see how this

isn't a prank or something.

Nah, it's real, we're

gonna be movie stars.