At Home with the Webbers (1993) - full transcript

Woman:
Hello? Hello?

Man:
Where the hell are we?

Dog: Uh-oh.

Sweetheart,
are you all right?

Miranda, please,
I'm gonna slash
my throat here.

Ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah!

- Mom, help.
Mom, help.
- Hold on.

I don't believe this.
Josh is gonna be
here any minute.

That gallery guy
hates me already.

- When did you meet him?
- I didn't.

But I can feel
his negativity from here.



God, I forgot how small
this place is.

- "Feel his negativity."
- Honey.

I know, I know.

- You missed a spot here.
- All right, thanks.

By the way, love you.

Emma:
Don't leave, please.
I just need five minutes

to get everybody downstairs
for the picture now.

Miranda:
Oh, Mom, can we do it later?

I've got to get
out of here.

Emma:
I have to send
an overnight mail as it is.

Miranda:
What's this one for?

- Emma: They're looking for
a family to represent prunes.
- Miranda: Prunes?

We're all
meeting downstairs
for the picture.

Okay.



I see.

How do you feel
about that?

Mm-hmm.

I see.
How do you
feel about that?

- Here, Gerald.
- Let me ask you a question.

Does this sound okay?

I see.

Well, how do you
feel about that?

It's very sincere.

It's the same damn thing
every time, Doc.

I see her
in a kitchen chair

right in front of the TV...

...with her legs,
you know, open.

And she's looking at me,
licking her lips,

just like
in the movies.

So I says, "Sacha,

give me a break,
all right?

I'm trying to watch
the fucking game."

And she says,

"Blue dogs will
inherit the moon."

Now, what in the fuck
is that supposed
to mean, Doc?

We ain't got no dog.

What happens next?

Patient:
She starts to unbutton

that old flowery-type thing.

What do you call that?
A housecoat?

Housecoat?

Yeah, yeah.

And then-- and then
she starts taking
the rollers

out of her hair,
real sexy-like.

Rollers?

Patient:
Now, my Sacha
is as strong as an ox,

but she ain't exactly
what you would call a looker.

Anyway, she takes off
the housecoat

and I see her tattoo,

except now it's got
the name Hugo where
my name used to be.

So I go nuts, right?

And I rip the TV
out of the wall unit

and I throw her and the TV
right out the window.

Patient:
Looking at her down there,
dead and all,

I start to think...

...that was
one hell of a lady.

Hey, does this shit
mean anything, Doc?

I mean, it's supposed
to mean something.

Oh, what the heck, Doc?

The insurance pays
for it anyway.

Might as well
check it out.

Look, man, I'm not
no fucking fruit loop.

Right?

Doc?

I see.

Here she comes.

- Woman: Uh-oh.
- Man: Oh, boy. What?

- Well, let's get
out of here.
- What?

He called my stuff
pornography.

Just 'cause the sculptures
happen to be of men
and not women

and just 'cause they all
happen to have erections.

Sweetheart.
Come on.

These-- this is not
an erection.

This is
a military weapon.

You can wipe out
entire European countries
with these things.

A lot of men
like big breasts.

I don't see what's
wrong with a woman

being fascinated
by large penises.

You chicks are supposed
to say that you don't care
about that stuff, see?

And we guys believe it.
I mean, it's basic.

You lie and we love you
for it.

Honesty is gonna fuck up
the whole system.

Leave it to me to find
the only heterosexual
gallery owner

in the entire
western hemisphere.

God, I hate men.

You get all the power,
we get all the pain.

It so sucks.

God, I wish I had a penis.

Believe me,
women got it easy.

Puberty, pregnancy,
menopause-- that is
a piece of fucking cake

compared to living
with a dick.

- Trust me.
- Aw, poor baby.

You have to live
with a dick.

I'm serious,
you always got to be
thinking about it.

Take pants
for instance, okay?

Now, suddenly
you have a penis.

Where are you
gonna put it?

I mean in your pants.
Where you gonna put it?

Are you gonna
put it on the left,
on the right?

Are you gonna run it up
along the zipper?

Are you gonna stuff it
in your underwear?

Maybe you're just
gonna let it dangle
and take a chance

on surprise boners
in the middle of
the grocery store.

Chicks are always
giving us guys shit

for thinking
with our dicks, okay?

But how would you like
having a part of your body

that just grew to five
times its normal size
any time it wanted?

- I-I'd like it.
- Yeah.

- Come on.
- I would.

Imagine--

all right, you're talking
to a guy, okay?

And you're thinking,
"This is nice.

He's pretty cute.
I'm having fun."

All of a sudden, kaboom!

Your tit pops out
right in his face.

- Whoops.
- That's it.

That just blows
your chance

of playing it cool
all to shit.

That is why chicks
have the edge.

And another thing is--

let's be
totally honest here.

Penises are
pretty fucking ugly.

- No, they're not.
- Yes, they are.

Why can't they just make one
that's just straight?

I like them curvy.

Sweetheart, there is an entire
dick subculture out there

screaming for
artistic representation

and I think you're
the one to do it.

- I mean it.
- Thank you, Josh.

Emma: Honey, they're here.

Come on
and get your sister.

What's that sound?

I don't know.

Miranda:
Oh, I'll be right there, Mom.

What?

What?

Oh, shut up.

Mr. Swade.

Roger, please.

I just wanna get
this straight.

Roger:
Emma entered our
network's contest,

your family won.

What did we win?

You're all going
to be famous.

You see, the boundaries
of television are changing.

And our network
plans to lead the way
with a new show.

Your show.

They were searching
for the average
American family.

So, um...

All right, so you want
to put us on a TV show?

No, Mr. Webber.

You're gonna be
the TV show.

We propose to pay
each of you,

150,000 per season.

$150,000?

Roger:
$600,000 for
the entire family.

And, of course,
if the show is a success,

well, you can always
renegotiate.

What do we have to do?

Roger:
Just be yourselves.

We'll move you into
a beautiful, new home

where we've installed
a few cameras

and, well, we'll simply record
your daily activities.

What would you record?

Everything--
totally real,

totally uncensored,
first of its kind.

It's one of the benefits
of cable television.

When would we get
the money?

I mean, if we did it,
I mean, you know--

when would we get
the money?

The network would have
to hold onto your salaries

in an interest-bearing
escrow account

until the end
of the season.

You see, we wouldn't want
our average American family

to turn into
the Rockefellers

right before
the audience's eyes.

It might distance you
from the audience,

emotionally speaking.

Now, Gerald, Gerald,
no, no, no.

Gerald, I-- I understand.

All this is new to us too.

We'll just simply
have to...

feel our way through
this thing together.

Look at you.

You represent the ideal
American family.

Gerald, Emma,
Miranda, Johnny...

Oh, God,
I love that look.

It's so real,
it's so raw.

I wish I could capture
that look in stone.

I cannot take another
night of this shit.

I sneak in here
so your father
doesn't hear.

We watch the stuff,
it gets me going

and then
you just lay there
like a dead fish.

Aw, come on, Joshy.
Don't be like that.
Let's cuddle.

I do not-- I don't
want to cuddle.

I want to make love.
What is the point

of you making me
bring this stuff over?

- It's driving me nuts.
- Well, Josh, I told you.

The only way that you can
really know a man's body
is during sex.

To really know
the muscles,

to really know
the bones, you-- what?

What? Oh, wow.
Where are you going?

I got muscles
and I got bones.

Come here,
my little muscley,
boney thing.

Come here.

Come to Miranda.

Come here,
my little Joshy.

Hi.

Gerald:
I just feel like
I'm losing control.

Of what?

My life, of thoughts,
of family.

Everything.

Maybe we should take
this TV thing.

Maybe it would help
hold us all together.

I love you,
sweetheart.

I miss that bear sound.

- I don't make
a fucking bear sound.
- Yes, you do.

You make a little sound
like...

Come on. No, I don't.
Stop it. Miranda.

Josh: Stop it.

I love that sound.

- Really?
- Yes, I do.

- Yeah?
- It's the cutest thing
that I ever heard.

If you move back in with me,
I'll make it all the time.

- Josh.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
All right? I'm sorry.

- It slipped out. Sorry.
- It's okay.

It's not you.
It's just that,

I don't know, to me,
the whole idea
of commitment,

it just feels
so sad and final.

It's like when I finish
a piece of art,

I stand back,
I look at it,

I'm expecting
to feel contented,

but I never do.

Instead of feeling
happy and satisfied

with this beautiful
thing I created,

I usually just
feel like I wanna cry.

Why?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because
when I'm doing it,

I'm pouring
all my passion
into my art,

so it's like
I'm in love.

I'm in love with
this beautiful thing
that I'm creating.

But when I'm finished,

it's just a thing--

it's just a thing that'll
sit on a shelf somewhere,

get dusty,

and eventually
be forgotten.

I don't want that
for us, Josh.

- That is such
bullshit, Miranda.
- No, it's--

You have to commit
to something at some point.

Don't do--
what are you doing?

I don't like when
you stare at me like that.

It makes me nervous.
Don't do that.

I'm not staring
at you, Josh.

Do you know
what I'm doing?

I'm memorizing
your beautiful face.

See, this way, I have it
imprinted in my brain

and then every time
I close my eyes,

I see you.

- Yeah?
- Yes, every time.

Every time you close
your eyes, you see me?

Yes, I do.

Well, then fuck
the TV thing, then,

and move in
with me, please.

I mean, I-- I will never
mention the C word again,
I promise.

Miranda,
give me a chance here.
Please let me love--

Don't say that,
okay, Josh?

It just sounds
corny and dumb.

Ha!

All right.
That's fine, okay?

So, I'm dumb, then.
All right?

I'm a corny, dumb shit
who loves you, okay?

Who loves you more than
anyone else ever has
or ever will.

And you won't say it,
but you love me.

- I do not.
- I love you, all right?

- I love you.
I love you!
- Shh!

- I love you!
- Shut up.

- You're gonna
wake everybody up.
- Miranda, I don't care.

I'll wake up the whole
freaking house if I have to.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Mr. Webber.

Don't blame her,
blame me.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, Josh.

Miranda:
I think it would be
incredible--

all those people
watching us.

We'd be like exhibitions
in a museum.

Our whole lives would be
like works of art.

We could use
a bigger house.

What do you think,
Johnny?

I think we're all
gonna end up dead

with maggots
eating our eyeballs
for breakfast.

- God!
- Personally, I'm looking
forward to it.

You are so sick.

I mean, I'm sorry
Janet died,

but I think it's time
you got off of this jag.

I'm sorry my misery
inconveniences you.

You guys can do
anything you want.

I don't care.

Johnny.
Johnny, come on.

This thing could
really be great.

He just needs time,
that's all.

So, what do
you think, Daddy?

What are we gonna do?

Do you think they'd let us
take Grandma Harper's sofa?

- I love that sofa.
- Em.

We can't say no.

It sounds exciting.

We've never won
a contest before.

Well, then.
Come on, this is serious.

This could put
a lot of pressure on us

and Johnny doesn't
need that right now.

Johnny:
That's right, I don't
need that right now!

Johnny.

Johnny, this could be
a really great thing.

You just don't know it.

I say we do it.

I mean, I think it would
take his mind off Janet.

Don't you think?
And you know what?

If we wait too long,
they're gonna ask
another family.

You know what?

I think that Johnny
would even benefit
from this.

All he ever does
is mope around.

He could just as easily
mope around there
as he can here.

In fact, he will
probably mope better
in a bigger house.

Oh, look at that!

Gerald:
How often will
the show be on?

Roger:
Seven days a week,
24 hours a day,

The Webber Network.

We'll do some
edited episodes,

but we'll rely heavily
on live telecast.

Emma:
Oh, honey, look,
a waterfall.

It's so quiet in here.

The eye of the hurricane.

We have tried to make
the technical workings
of the show

as unobtrusive
as possible.

Gerald, Emma,
Miranda...

Johnny,

meet Mike and Billy.

They'll be heading up
the technical support team
on your show.

- Billy: Hello.
- Mike: Hey, how are you?

Mike and Billy will be
monitoring the cameras

and the recording equipment
in the house.

Uh, I don't understand.

Well, you see, we have
a room downstairs

where we'll be keeping
an eye on the monitors.

Their job is to maintain
the equipment,

camera lights,
microphones.

If anything should
need attention,

they'll come into the house
and they'll fix it.

At night,
after you're all asleep.

Absolutely.

As a matter of fact,
if all goes well,

you'll probably never
see them again after today.

Mike:
Just think of us
as elves with tools.

- Well, we better get back.
- Yeah, right.

Okay, well,
you folks take care.

- Bye.
- Excuse us.

- Bye.
- Thank you.

Pleased to meet you.

Gerald, this is one
of the camera plates.

The camera itself
is built into the wall,

but all you'll ever see
is the plate, which hides
the lens.

There are 45 plates
built into the interior
walls of the house.

But there are only
20 cameras actually
behind them.

Um, which 20?

Well, that's--
that's the whole idea.

You see, you'll never know
which ones are real

and which ones aren't.

Or when the real ones are on
or when they're off.

Well, then how would
we know which ones
to talk to?

Oh, no, no, no.

Miranda, we don't want you
to talk to the cameras.

- No?
- No.

No, we want real life,
not acting.

- Oh.
- Don't worry.

After a while, I'm sure you'll
all get used to the cameras
and forget they're there.

Karen, why don't you
take Emma and the kids
and show them their room

while I take Gerald
and show him his new office?

Sure.

It's all yours.

It's beautiful.

Go ahead, Gerald.

What are all these books?

Just props.

Now, Gerald, when you bring
your patients here,

we will have already
have them sign a release.

So there's really
no problem there, but--

Wait a minute,
why would--

why would I bring
my patients here?

Because this is where
you will see

your patients
from now on.

Well, I think I'm the one
who should decide.

Gerald, I hope
you don't mind,

but we took the liberty
of informing your clients
of the change.

But we only found files
on six patients.

Gerald, where are
all the rest?

A lot of my old patients
have-- have moved.

Oh, I-I see.
I understand.

We'll bring in
some new blood.

Hell, everyone wants
to be on TV, right?

Emma:
Hello?

Would you like
a sandwich?

Hello?

Would you pass the peas,
please, Mother?

Yes, dear.

Thank you, Mother.

You're welcome, dear.

It's a lovely meal,
sweetheart.

Thank you, honey.

You're welcome, dear.

Mike:
Jesus Christ, this is bad.

Billy:
Well, how would you like
to be watched all the time?

I know it'd make me
pretty nervous.

Give them time.

We'll only use
the good stuff anyway.

It'll be great.

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't do that.

Why not?

They can see us.

Okay. I'll turn off
the lamp.

No, no, uh, uh, uh.

I think that's
an infrared camera.

Woman:
They know something
we don't--

dogs.

Cats too, but...
they don't really care,

so they're not
the primary danger.

The danger?

It's just the illusion
of our entire culture.

I see.

They've been sent here
by the albino in sandals

to spy on us,

to listen,
learn our secrets
and report back.

We think they're sleeping
all the time,

but they're not.

They see everything.

And they hate us
secretly.

Everything about us,

especially our shoes.

So how much more of this shit
do we have to watch?

What is that?

- It's a dead bird.
- Miranda: Oh, gross!

Emma:
Put it in the trash
or-- or bury it.

Gerald:
All right.

I think we've
all had enough.

We all liked Janet,
but this obsession
with death,

- it's just gotta stop.
- No.

You can't tell me what to feel
or when to feel it.

Heads up.

Looks like we've got
some action.

This pain, it's mine.

It's all I have left.

I mean, you guys think
you're so in control,
but look at you.

I mean,
this is all bullshit.

See?
I'm not acting.

This is how I am.

I don't care what you
or anyone else thinks.

Two weeks and they've
got you trained,

jumping through hoops
to make them think

we're the perfect family.

You people make me sick.

You're miserable,
so you just wanna

screw everything up
for everybody else.

Well, thank you, Johnny.
Thank you very much.

Emma:
Johnny, the cameras.

I don't give a shit
about the cameras
or the money.

Dad, Dad?

You don't even smoke.

Now, if anyone's
got problems,

it's all of you!

Fuck!

This kid's got
big fucking problems.

Announcer:
We searched the country

for the average
American family.

After analyzing
50,000 essay entries,

we chose the family
that best represented
what America stands for--

the Webbers!

This is your family,
America.

Welcome to
"At Home with the Webbers."

- Hey, what's this?
- It's a new show about
a real family.

Oh, yeah?
Cool.

Hey.

- He's cute.
- Shh, shh.

Who does he look like?
He looks like someone.

- He's gorgeous.
- He's a geek.

Whoa, who's the babe?

Are you sure
it's the right channel?

Maybe it's not
the right channel.

All I had to do was look
across the table and see you...

Narrator:
...conclusion that although
pigs may not be the perfect...

It's just static.

Mom, the channel is...

- 8-- 8 at 9:00.
- It's on--

I don't believe this.

We can't even watch
our own show.

How else are we gonna know
what they recorded?

Hey, could somebody
out there do us a favor?

Tape one of these stupid shows
and send it to us?

My sister
is a little insecure.

Thanks.

They hate us, secretly.

Everything about us.

Especially our shoes.

Gerald, this has to be
a matter of trust.

If you were to see
yourselves on television,

you might become
more self-conscious,

and that wouldn't be
very good for the show
now, would it?

No.

I didn't want
to bring this up
in front of the others,

but, well, your section
of the show

has received
the weakest response.

Oh, I see.

Now don't get me wrong.
They like it.

Oh, they like it
very much, Gerald.

But the difference
between like and love
is what we're after here,

and I want them to love you,
I mean really love you.

Now, Gerald,
I know the real you.

I know a funny man
is inside of there,

a funny, sensitive,
yet a strong man,

who is the backbone
of this family.

Strength-- I think
strength is the key.

When you first talked
to us about the show,

you said, you wanted us
to be ourselves.

Reality, that's--
that's what you said
you want.

Yes, yes.

But, you see, there's
a difference between
truth and reality,

and I want truth,
truth with a capital T.

Now, what would
happen if...

if you primed
your patients
a little bit?

Cut to the real root
of their problems.

The juicy stuff?

Yes.
Yes, yes, exactly.

Gerald, I'm not asking
you to change.

No.
Not really.

Alter, maybe.
Not change.

Strength--
strength is the key.

Emma, this smells
delicious.

It doesn't seem fair.

You get all the dirty work.

Oh, well, I don't mind.

I think they were right.

- Who?
- The audience.

We received
a lot of letters
on the show and...

oh, now, I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,

but, well, they felt
that your potential

was underutilized.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

Now, I've done it.

I've hurt your feelings.

It's just that, well,
they see you as,

as a more independent
woman.

Glamorous.

Me?
Glamorous?

They see your potential
and so do I.

Well, you can laugh
if you want.

I see you
as an emerging butterfly.

Do you see what this guy
is doing?

And who cares?
I'm not gonna keep
this stuff anyway.

I guess you don't mind
working for an asshole.

Over here, my sculptures,
are over here.

I made-- I made it all.

What can I say,
they are--

Oh really,
Mr. Swade, really?

You really think so?

The audience
sensed this
in you.

Sensed--
sensed what?

All this
incredible
sexuality.

Huh.

You could be
the next Madonna.

Really?

No, bigger.

Bigger than
Madonna?

An intelligent,
talented woman

who knows exactly
what she wants

and knows exactly
how to get it.

Miranda,

don't tell
the others.

- I won't.
- I think we may be
able to spin you off

into a show
of your own.

- My own show?
- Yes.

- But...
- But what?

But what?

But, Josh--

Oh, Josh.

Yes.

Personally, I mean
I think he is fine.

- Uh-hmm.
- Intense, very intense,
maybe too intense.

Yeah, he sure is.

And you know, I don't
really get the feeling

he fully supports
what you're
doing here.

What we're all
doing here, Miranda.

Negativity brings
the show down,
down, down.

Besides you could
have anyone you want
right now.

- Really?
- Yes.

Why not take
this opportunity

and explore
the possibilities.

There's a whole new world
waiting for you out there,
Miranda.

And so, they'll all
know your name.

- Miranda.
- Miranda.

- Miranda.
- Miranda.

The Miranda
Webber Show.

The Miranda
Webber Show.

You really drive the
girls crazy, Johnny.

You should, uh,

read some
of the letters
we've gotten.

But I think if you
could--

I don't know,
open up a bit.

Let the audience know
what you're feeling.

I know your girlfriend
just died recently
in a car accident,

but maybe you could
discuss it with
your family.

It might make you
feel better.

Fuck you.

Or hostility
is good, too.

You see, Johnny,
I just want you
to know,

that if you ever
need to talk,

if you ever need
anything,

well, I'm there
for you,

110%,
that's me.

Because we're in this
together, Johnny.

Well, because Elise
called me the other day.

She said her cousin
in Florida called

and he said that
he saw the show--

Why are you doing this?

To the Webbers,

the stars of the top-rated
show on television.

And to life's
little surprises.

What do you mean?

I didn't tell you?

Oh. Well, the audience
love the show as a whole

but to our surprise
the one single element

which received the most
positive feedback was conflict.

Conflict?

They like to watch
you fight.

They like to watch us
fight?

Gerald:
I don't know.

Isn't that crazy.

Josh:
Okay, that's it.
This guy is an asshole.

Miranda: Josh, Josh--

I invite you over to
my house

and you embarrass me
in front of everybody.

Josh:
I don't care, Miranda.
This is ridiculous.

Horace?

Horace, what are
you doing?

You are right,
Dr. Webber.

I know now that I must
accept myself the real me.

Oh, that's wonderful,
Horace, but maybe
it would be best

to start this process
of acceptance with
your clothes on.

Oh, but I must act
quickly,

I know that now
before I lose
my courage.

Thank you, Dr. Webber.

Where is your kitchen?

Never mind,
I'll find it.

You just go on
in there--

Emma:
Did you have
a good time, dear?

Oh, yeah, I'm beat.

I think I'll just
go to bed now

and I'll see you both
in the morning.

Josh called again.

Oh. Well, what did you
tell him?

She told him that
we didn't know what
your problem was

but that we'd try
to get you
to call him back

with some kind
of explanation.

Oh, I really don't think
it matters.

I don't plan
to see him anymore.

Why not?

What are you wearing?

Mom, Dad, I am going to find
the perfect man

and I needed a new image
to do it with.

- What?
- Well, what I actually
meant was,

I am going to make
the perfect man.

This is Giampaolo.

Hello.

Giampaolo doesn't speak
English very well.

So if you don't mind
we're going upstairs
to my bedroom

and I'll explain
everything to you
in the morning.

All right. Just a minute.

Now, I think we should
talk about this.

Goddammit, Miranda!
What do think this is,
some cheap hotel?

I will not allow
this kind of behavior
in my house.

Your house!
Your house!

This is just
as much my house
as it is yours!

I am not a child
and I will not be
treated like one.

Kindly don't make
a scene in front
of Giampaolo.

Fuck Giampaolo!

What about Josh?

What about Josh?

It's none of your
goddamn business!

My life and my body
are my own.

And I will not be told
by you or anybody else

what I can and cannot
do with them.

Good night.

Good night, Mister--

You goddamn punk!

Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Do you think you can
come into my house

and do whatever you want
to do with my daughter?

Goddamn.

Daddy. Daddy. Daddy.
Daddy. Daddy.

Please, can't we talk
about this?

Oh, no. No.
I'm tired of talking.

Who listens to me anyway?

Oh, you punk, punk.

Punky punk, punk!
Punk!

Oh, daddy, leave him alone!
Get off of him!

- Oh, is she gonna
get it for that.
- Oh, God!

Oh, God. Have you gone crazy?

Jesus Christ!
She really hit me?

- Oh. Are you out
of your mind?
- Miranda, baby.

I didn't mean
to hurt him.

I was just, you know,
the cameras.

The cameras, honey.

But she hurt me.

You're all crazy.

She hurt me.

Emma:
Oh.

Mike:
What's he looking for?

I don't know.
Maybe a way out.

This kid's
a fucking nutcase.

Do we have any cameras
in the attic?

No.

Uh-huh.

No.

Poor Giampaolo.

Are you all right?

I think so.

Are you sure?

I thought...

Giampaolo, all I really need
is your face.

You see I'm making a sculpture
of the perfect man.

And you, Giampaolo, you have
the perfect face.

Me?

Yes.

Would you help me?

What do I do?

Well, first you just
lie back on the bed

and you imagine that
you're making love.

- What?
- You see, I need that look
on a man's face

right when he's having
an orgasm. I need that.

This, I cannot
do it alone.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

Could you try it, Giampaolo?

Just lay back on the bed,
pretend you're making love

with Sophia Loren
or Brigitte Bardot.

Giampaolo, you're not
really trying.

No. No, no, no.

Try harder.
It has to be real.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's just really lame.

Okay. Lie back,
close your eyes,
don't move.

Yes!
You've almost got it.

I got to get
some ice cold water.

Cold water?

Yes. And a spatula.

Don't go anywhere.

Where are you going?

Making damn sure
we have enough tape
for this.

Hello, Mr. Beautiful Face.

I have this stuff for you.

Giampaolo:
I don't understand.
What do you do to me?

Miranda:
Oh, you know, plaster casting
can get really messy

and we don't want to make
a mess, do we? Okay.

This is for the top
of your head.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

You look good in that.

This goes here.

I love
your beautiful face.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

How's that?

Nice.

Now, hold this.

What do you do with that?

Well, I need to make
a plaster casting of
your beautiful face.

I mix water with this
modeling compound and then
I stir it all around.

And I pour it
all over your face.

You see, these little straws?

Oh, these little straws
go right in your nose
so you can breathe.

And it's very important
to be able to breathe

because if you don't
then you'll be dead.

See this, petroleum jelly.

The petroleum jelly
goes on your eyebrows.

And that way, when I take
the plaster casting off,

it doesn't rip your eyebrows
right out of your face.

When I pour this plaster
on your face,

first, it will get really cold,

and then it'll get really,
really hot.

But don't be alarmed,
it's just the way
the chemicals work.

It's nothing to worry about.

What if I move my face.

Well, you know,
something, Giampaolo,

it's really good
if you move your face

except at that
particular moment
when you achieve orgasm

and then you have to hold it
really, really still.

You know what, oh, maybe,
you should do it faster.

Miranda: Okay.

-Giampaolo: Faster
- All right.
Here it comes.

Are you all right?

Oh, oh. Don't try
to say anything.

Huh? Hmm.
That's great.

Whoo!

Oh.

Miranda, Miranda, Miranda,
Miranda, Miranda.

I can't believe
all this mail is for us.

It's all your fan mail.
And these are your bonuses.
Karen?

It's just a show
of appreciation

to the stars
of the top-rated show
on television.

- Gerald.
- Thank you.

- Oh.
- $7,000.
Thank you.

- You're very welcome.
- $25,000.

Geez, $42,000?

Are these--
are these real?

Yes, they're real
and they're yours.

Oh, my God.

Mr. Swade, this man says
he wants to tie me up
and put his large--

Oh, not to worry.
Gerald?

- Can we talk?
- Absolutely.

I have this sensational
idea that we should make.

Uh-huh.

That was all.

Man:
Lock Up.

A new feature on
"At Home with the Webbers."

Starring Dr. Gerald Webber.

So, Mister...

I'm sorry.

I--I don't quite
understand this.

Is-- is this
your real name?

Or just something that
your friends call you?

Would you prefer that
I call you Mr. Hammer
or just Sledge?

Sledge Hammer.

Well, that's
an interesting name.

Hammer. Hammer, Hammer.

That sounds as if
it might be German in origin.

Quite an unusual name.

Your parents have--

your parents had
quite a sense of humor.

Yes, Mr. Hammer.

Please feel free
to say anything.

Just-- just say
anything at all.

My mother wore red once.

I hate red.

These poor people.

What poor people?

They all want advice.

What should I say?

Tell them to join the club.

Tell them to seek therapy.

Emma:
I can't tell them that.

Some of them sound like
they have real problems.

As opposed to?

You know, therapy problems.

Honey.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I need space.

But you're in a corner.

I know
I'm in the corner.

Do you think I don't know
I'm in the corner?

A corner is a space.

This corner is my space.

Oh.

Oh.

Billy:
He hardly leaves
his room anymore.

I'm gonna go for a walk.
I'll be back.

Okay.

- Come on, Chuck.
- You live here?
It's amazing.

Oh. Hoo.

This is huge.

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry.

Chucky, Chucky, Chucky.

You know, you're not
very graceful for a dancer.

I know.

But something magic happens
when I put on a G-string.

I know. You drove
those women crazy.

You've got the best legs
in the whole world.

I know.

Miranda: I was wondering
what you would look like

if you just had
these leather thingies on.

I don't know.

Would you like to find out?

Yeah.

Hey. What's happening?

Damn tape that keeps dragging.
I'm gonna check it out.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

I'mma go up and check #12.
It's been a little shaky.

Okay. See you.

All right.

All right.

You're dead, cowboy.

Chucky, I was wondering
if you could do a little
somethin' for me later on.

I'll do something for you
now and later.

I'll do something to you
that they'll whisper about
for years to come.

I'll--

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Chucky, you're fucking up
my moment.

I was hoping
in the front too.

Those cowboys really knew
what they were doing.

So rugged,
so practical,
so hard.

I like that in a man.

We're moving out of the light.

Don't you worry
about a thing,
Chucky baby.

I always think
it's really important
to leave just a little bit

to the imagination.

Johnny?

Johnny, it's Billy.

I don't know
if you remember me but--

You're one of the elves.

Elves?

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Aren't you afraid
they'll see you come up?

No, it's okay.

I turned off the camera
in your room

and we're safe here.

I saw you on the monitor.

Are you okay?

You know exactly how I am.
You see everything, don't you?

Is this just
another job to you?

I didn't know
it was gonna be like this.

And neither did I.

Don't you think
it's time you let her go?

Oh my God.

Mike, you bastard.

Johnny, I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

Oh, stop it.
Chuck, stop it.

Now I really can't move.

Chuck, it's time
for the favor.

I didn't do it, Johnny.
I swear, I didn't even know.

I believe you.

I thought if I could just
get you to talk

to your parents again,
you know?

I can't talk to them.

They're all wrapped up
in themselves
and this TV thing

and they don't give
a shit about me.

Maybe you should
give them another chance.

What does it matter?

If you let yourself
love someone

they're just gonna
leave you anyway.

Johnny,

Janet didn't leave you.

She died.

What's the difference?

I mean, she's not here
and I am.

Sometimes I try
to think of her.

I can't even
make out her face.

It's, like, I'm forgetting,
like, it all never
really happened.

It's like
I never loved her.

I mean, do you think
they care about that?

I mean, they're all trying
to be something they're not
for the cameras

and I'm trying to hold on
to what's left of me.

I am so sick of feeling
sorry for myself,

all alone in this
goddamn fish bowl,

thinking about dying.

How can you stand being
in the same room with me?

I don't know.
I kind of like it.

Johnny, hey.

You're not alone.

Then help me,
please?

Reporter:
Excuse me, ladies.

What do you think
of Johnny Webber?

Oh, my god, I cried
my eyes out.

If I was his girlfriend,
I would never die.

That was so sad.

Billy should have
kissed him or something.

I know exactly
how Johnny feels.

- I mean it's obvious.
- Exactly.

- He needs affection.
- Right.

Reporter:
Excuse me.

What do you think
of Johnny Webber?

Not much.
About the teen idol guy.

Nah, There's only one idol.

That was Elvis.
The rest of these guys,

a bunch of posers,
geeks mostly.

Reporter:
Excuse me, sir.

What do you think
of the Webbers?

Johnny?
Gerald?

Emma?
Miranda?

Oh, Miranda.

Oh. I know exactly
where she's at.

I mean, my god,
there is a serious
shortage of perfect men.

Believe me, honey,
I have looked.

Once she gets that
perfect man finished,
I want one.

Make that two
because if he's perfect
he won't be jealous.

Oh, you-- this is
the '90s, Diana.

- I know that, sweetheart.
- And you cannot just go,

go around sleeping
with every man.

I want to have a hot,
sweaty, sleazy sex.

- All good. All good.
- Honey, you are
seriously uptight.

Would you listen to me?
If I'm gonna die,
I'm gonna die happy.

You're just uptight.
They don't need uptight
out-of-love.

- When's the last time
you got laid?
- I am not.

Honey,
I know what you need,

and that perfect man
is just the one
to give it to her.

I am not uptight.
I am not uptight.

You got an answer?

Emma and I are
very much alike.

Thank you.

Well, then why isn't she
answering my letters?

Well, I'm sure
she gets a lot of mail.

What'd she say?

"Dear, Mrs. Nelson.

I know exactly
how you feel.

My husband and I
have been married

for 27 years now,

and the passion,
well, let's just say,

that passion is not
my general strongest suit."

Don't we know it?

"My advice to you
would be to do

whatever makes you
feel good about yourself,

because although
it's trying to be told
day after day

in many subtle ways
that you are unattractive,

it is unbearable
to believe it.

Warmest regards,
Emma Webber."

Oh,

I'm sorry,

I feel awful
bothering you
at home like this

but I wrote weeks ago,

and I just don't know
what to do.

Oh, I feel stupid.

I'm sorry,

I get a lot
of letters.

Would you like
to come in?

My husband's
having an affair

with a man
half my age.

And my son
and daughter,

oh, they moved to Utah
and got married

to each other.

And I think--

I think that I may be...

a lesbian.

What should I do?

Shoot yourself,
honey.

Emma:
Have you tried
talking it over

with a therapist?

My husband's
a therapist.

Oh, really?
So is mine.

I know.

Well,

your husband's situation
and your children's

is really
out of your hands.

Oh.

They're certainly
not your fault.

- My daughter--
- Miranda.

- A little nympho.
- Seems to be going

through some sort
of stage.

Oh.

Maybe she's just

a slut.

There.

Emma:
I don't think so.

But we're here
to talk about you.

Let's talk about
what you're feeling?

Hello.

I'm sorry,
I scared you.

I'm sorry.

I don't think
Miranda is home
right now.

She might be down
in the basement.

I'm not here
for Miranda.

I'm here for you.

I mean, your pipes.

I've already
shut off the water.

It should only
take a minute.

Oh, I just assumed
my daughter Miranda

is making this--
never mind.

Well, I will tell you,
I'm far from perfect.

Besides,
she's not my type.

Oh,

I'll just be quiet
and move out
of your way.

You're blushing.

We don't see that
too often.

It looks good
on you.

And I love the hair.

I think I'll--

I'll just go upstairs
and-- oh, I don't know,

find something to do.

Good morning, guys.

- Good morning.
- Hey.

What the hell
is that noise?

The kid.

He's been singing that
same freaking song

for the past
couple hours.

It wouldn't be so bad
if he knew more than
the first two lines.

♪ Until we meet again

♪ Aloha 'Oe, Aloha 'Oe

♪ Farewell to thee,
farewell to me ♪

♪ Farewell until
we meet again ♪

I want sex.

And I want it now.

Gerald: Aah!

Oh, my god.

We was poor.

My ma, she'd hang this sheet
across the room

whenever she had
guys come over.

It was all flowered.

Lots of bright colors.

I would act like
I was sleepin'

'cause I knew
she didn't want me to know.

But I heard.

I heard everything.

I just stare at that sheet
and I heard everything.

Sometimes
I'd hear her laugh.

But most of the time
I just heard them.

The guy's making noises
like they wanted me to hear.

Like they wanted me to know
what they was doing to my ma.

I'd stare at that sheet.

I swear.

It'd start to glow.

It was colors.

- Man: Hey.
- Jumping out at me.

What are you doing here?

- Woman: What are you
doing in here?
- Burning into my brain.

Making me
wanna to jump up

and beat the shit
out of them.

Man:
Stop it!

It was the baseball bat.

Let them know
that I heard, all right?

Woman: What did you do?
No.

- Make them know.
- What did you do?

That I knew
what they did to my mom.

Gerald:
Was there red
in that sheet?

Yeah.

There was red,

lots of red.

Gerald:
So how did you
deal with that?

How did you deal
with that red?

I knew how it works.

How what works?

I only eat stuff
that's green.

I don't understand.

If I eat green,
it cancels out the red.

Okay, get back!

Go ahead!

I'll splat his brains
all over the place.

Mike:
We got to call
the cops, Mr. Swade.

Not yet.
Let's wait and see
what happens.

- Sledge: Get back!
- We should do something.

Roger:
We are doing something
by choosing to do nothing.

- I don't understand.
- Karen,

its not our job
to alter history.

Simply to record it.

- He says to wait.
- What? Give me the phone.

That mutt gets near me,
I'll crush the doc's skull.

Johnny:
What's going on here?
Is this real?

Oh, Johnny, please.

Sledge:
Oh, the cops.

They're coming,
they're coming.

Good. Good.

Sledge is gonna kill Gerald.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

Emma: Mister...

- Hammer.
- Mr. Hammer,

I don't know
what's gotten you
so upset

but I'm sure
if you let my husband go

we can discuss it.

Oh, Emma,
please be quiet.

Hey, doc,

- you got a real
hot looking lady.
- Thank you.

Okay.

Oh, I think
the session's over.

- Five bucks,
Gerald gets it.
- You're on.

Policeman:
All right, Hammer.

Let the doctor go
and we'll talk.

Suck my dick,
blue boy!

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I understand.

You're under
a lot of pressure.

I mean, I like
the doc and all.

I love the doc.

But I feel my potential
is being underutilized.

Emma: How so?

Well, my buddies,

they say that I deserve
more screen time.

- Screen time?
- Well, you know,

he's got these wackos
on the show

and I know they got
problems and all, but--

You feel that
you've been slighted?

I don't want
my own show
or nothing.

I just want
a little more time
with the doc.

To work out
your problems?

Yeah, right.

And more close-ups.

Emma: Well,

Mr. Hammer,

I think that
can be arranged.

Don't you, sweetheart?

Sounds reasonable
to me.

Mr. Hammer.

Call me Sledge.

Pay up, pay up,
pay up, pay up.

That woman,

there is nothing
she can't do.

Gerald:
The first thing that
comes into your mind.

The grass
on my momma's grave.

Buttercups
on my momma's grave.

My momma's face...

when I choked the shit
out of her.

Come on.

All right.
It was more like purple.

♪ Gone are your kisses

♪ Gone is your touch

♪ I never thought that

♪ I would miss you
so much ♪

♪ But my public's calling

♪ And I live for my art

♪ And that is why

♪ We're apart, sweetheart

♪ It's hard to be a star

♪ No matter where you are

♪ Their eyes are all on you

♪ At times it seems unfair

♪ A cross
that's hard to bear ♪

♪ But what else can I do?

- ♪ We love her
- ♪ They love me

- ♪ We need her
- ♪ They need me

♪ I know that they
will never leave me ♪

♪ Their lives are...

♪ Our lives are...

♪ ...so empty

- ♪ ...so empty
- Huh? What?

♪ Without me
they would all be lost ♪

♪ I'll be a millionaire

♪ I'll live
without a care ♪

♪ With fame I have
a rendezvous ♪

♪ They wait
outside my door ♪

♪ And every day
there's more ♪

♪ And all they want's

♪ A glimpse
of you-know-who ♪

- ♪ Be careful!
- ♪ They're so eager

♪ How you treat us

♪ They're like children

♪ You seem to think
that you don't need us ♪

- ♪ They're hungry
- ♪ Miranda!

- ♪ To be near me
- ♪ Remember

♪ You're really
only one of us ♪

Miranda:
♪ The world
is at my feet ♪

♪ I'm in the driver's seat

♪ And I am heading
for the Walk of Fame ♪

♪ I know
before I'm done ♪

♪ That every mother's son

♪ From Maine to Mandalay
will know my name ♪

- ♪ I'm gifted
- ♪ You're selfish

- ♪ I'm gorgeous
- ♪ Conceited

♪ I'm exactly
what this country needed ♪

- ♪ Without us...
- ♪ They love me

- ♪ You're nothing
- ♪ You really love me

♪ Without me
they would all be lost ♪

♪ I'll be immortal

Take a good look, Johnny.

Those are your fans.

We've been able
to hold them off

up until now, but...

it's getting tougher
and tougher.

They're really hooked.

You could just
go out there.

Tell them all
to go away.

Throw rocks,
scream and yell.

It's your house,
you know.

And you'd love that,
wouldn't you?

What happens when
this thing is all over

and all we are
is people again?

But by then,
we wouldn't know

how to be anything
but assholes like you.

Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny.

Primetime is just
a fleeting moment
in the sun.

Reruns are forever.

Oh, my god.

Miranda.

Oh, sorry.

I'm just wondering,

do you have
one of those--

those colored things,
you know, to--

you mix colors.

A color wheel?

I guess so.

Yeah.

Here it is.

This looks good.

Thank you.

I never thought that things
would change like this

between all of us.

I thought it would,

well, be good
for the family.

I thought it would
hold us together.

Well, it is.
It does, right?

Yeah.
Oh, sure,

I guess so.

You don't--
you don't need this?

No.

I'll let you know
if I do.

Okay.

I mean, just let me know
if you do.

Dad.

Yes, son?

What are you doing?

I've discovered the key
to mental health.

That's nice, dear.

No, really.
I have.

No more
mental anguish.

No more
childhood traumas.

No more
sexual hang-ups.

Miranda:
Oh, what is it?

Colors.

Colors.

What-- what kind
of colors?

Well, it's not
so much the color

as the combination
of colors.

You see,

I'm wearing nothing
but red today.

So, I'm eating
nothing but green.

The opposite color
in the spectrum.

So?

Oh, well, so,

by wearing the one color
and eating the opposite color,

the two colors
cancel each other out,

creating a neutral
and harmonious

emotional state.

I am absolutely
neutral.

How about it, Em?

I'm feeling
neutral tonight.

Thomas:
Hey, those
your parents?

Miranda:
Stay close,
it's a big house.

Wouldn't want you
to get lost.

I haven't seen
Josh around lately.

- He's a good guy.
- Oh.

What's she doing
with this guy?

He looks like
a nice guy.

That's what I said.

What's she doing
with this guy?

You know, we went
to the same high school
together.

Yeah, I know.
He told me
your nickname.

Oh.

Look, Miranda.

I don't think
Josh would really
appreciate--

Huh?

What's this?

Choo choo trains.

My mother gave them
to me for Christmas.

Well, that's
really cute.

That's a joke.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, what
have we here?

Me?

All of it?

Okay.

All right.

Oh, my god.

Give me a towel,
quick.

Wow.

"Dear Johnny,

I just want you to know
that my friends think

you're totally hot.

I'm the president
of your official fan club

here in Bakersfield.

So, if you want to talk
or anything, here's my number.

Love, Jojo
and the Bakersfield branch
of the Johnnettes."

Sorry.

It's been
a long time.

So,

what was that favor
you wanted to ask me?

She can't do that,
can she?

Why didn't you tell me
about this before?

Well, I thought
if we had sex first,

then maybe you'd
feel more relaxed

about the whole thing.

I'm relaxed,
all right.

It's relaxed too.

Real relaxed.

Wait a minute.
I have an idea.

It just might work.

I read about something
in a Chinese sex manual once.

What, if we dress it up,
it'll feel more confident?

Got it.

Jesus.
That's cold.

Sorry.

I think that's how
it's supposed to go on.

Ooh, it's great.

You got a bracelet
to match.

One particular
Chinese emperor

was so obsessed
with sex,

he'd make love to four
or five women a day.

This is how he did it.

It traps the blood
and it keeps it hard.

- For how long?
- I don't know.

Until you take it off,
I guess.

It's not working.

No.
It sure isn't.

- Maybe it goes back.
- Ow, ow, ow!

- Miranda: Sorry, sorry.
- All right. Take it off.
It's-- it's--

- It's too tight now.
- Well, I think it's
supposed to be tight.

- Hey.
- Hey.

"Dear Johnny,

if you're so goddamn miserable,
why don't you just kill yourself

and put us all out
of our misery.

Be a man."

It may burn a little
in the last stages.

Great, something
to look forward to.

Miranda.

Uh-hmm?

Your last name,
it's Webster, right?

Uh-hmm, Webber.

Webber?

Uh-huh.

"At Home with the Webbers'"
Webber?

Miranda:
That's us.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, it's burning.
Get it off me.

Let me outta here.

Oh, hold still.
You'll wreck the mold.

Oh, my God,
Miranda Webber.

Ow!

It came out great.

Wonderful.

Now, get this ring thing
off me, it hurts.

Miranda:
Oh, don't be
such a baby.

I'll get it off
for you.

Ow! God, that is
still connected
to my body, you know?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, real funny.

Sorry.

Uh-oh.

I don't wanna hear,
"Uh-oh."

It really is stuck.

Uh-oh.

Daddy, have you got
a hacksaw?

Thomas! Thomas! Thomas!

Look what I found.

Oh, no way.

You're gonna kill me
with that thing.

That should have been
my line.

Oh, uh-uh.

Look, Thomas, do you want
to walk around like that
the rest of your life?

Maybe I could get work
as a tour guide.

Look, it's either this

or we'll have to call
the paramedics.

Okay.
It's all right.

Now, you just lie down
on the bed and don't panic.

Don't act like such a baby.
It won't hurt at all.

One, two, three.

Miranda, can I ask you
something?

Anything, darling,
as long as it's
terribly personal.

Your sculpture,
is it your perfect man

or just what everybody thinks
the perfect man should be?

Oh. I--

I don't know.

I don't know.
I guess, I just do it.

Well, anyway,
it was really nice
meeting you.

I always thought
Josh was exaggerating.

Yeah. Well, the star
of every locker room.

Let's just say you're
a nice place to visit.

Yeah, I know.

Bye.

- Bye.
- Oh, wait a minute!

I just had
a really great idea.

Why don't you come
to the unveiling, Thomas?

You and all the others.

All my perfect men
all around me.

The audience
will eat it up.

It will be like
an old Broadway musical.

I mean, I have to take
a pass on that, Miranda.

I don't like
being stared at.

You know what else?

I don't think
I'd particularly like

to be thought of
as your anything.

Woman:
Over here, Johnny.

Woman #2:
Johnny!

Johnny, come here!
Come here!

- Billy! Billy!
- The kid looks like
he's in bad shape.

- I don't know what to do.
- Help me.

Yeah. Yeah.
I sent her out
for doughnuts

and she's got
the goddamn PD door.

- Billy, help me!
- He keeps screaming
her name.

- Help me!
- All right. All right.

All right, Mr. Swade,
I won't.

Hey, Mike,
I got your doughnuts.

All right. Thanks.

What the hell is going on?

Mike: Oh, no.

Jesus Christ.

Careful. Careful.

Jesus Christ.

Johnny. Come on, Johnny.

Come on, Johnny,
breathe.

Come on. Breathe.

Mr. Swade made me promise
not to call the cops.

- Breathe, goddammit.
- He said the kid was
only bluffing.

Breathe! Come on!

Nothing.

Did you hear that, Swade?
Did you hear that?

He's dead!
You killed him,
goddammit!

Get away from him!
Just get away.

Man:
Unto almighty God,

We commend the soul
of our brother departed,

Jonathan Harris Webber.

And we commit
his body to the ground;

earth to earth,
ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

in sure and certain
hope of resurrection
unto eternal life,

through our Lord Jesus Christ,
at whose coming

in glorious majesty
to judge the world,

the earth and the sea
shall give up their dead.

And the corruptible bodies
of those who sleep in him

shall be changed and made life
unto his own glorious body

according to the mighty working whereby he is able to subdue

all things unto himself.

Oh, Johnny.

Who's minding
the store downstairs?

- Two temps.
- Temps?

This is a live
broadcast.

What the hell
are you trying
to do to me?

I checked them out,
they're good.

What's with her?

Mike says
she feels responsible.

The kid asked for her help
a while back.

She hasn't let anyone else
near him, took total charge
of the arrangements.

What kind of help
did he want?

I don't know.

Goddamn brat.
We won't last long
without him.

How about the others?
Miranda's still drawing
a good share.

There are only
101 different positions.

That goddamn statue
of hers better walk,
talk, tap dance,

and sing
"The Star" fucking
"Spangled Banner."

Fuck it, the blue
metal stars.

Hmm.

I'm so sorry.

Reporter:
Excuse me, Miss,

what do you think
of the Webbers?

Oh, I thought it was sad
they killed off the boy

but I could have guessed
it was coming.

Oh, well, he'll show up
again next fall.

They always find a way to bring
the good characters back.

Reporter:
No, no. You don't
understand, Miss.

The Webbers, they're real.
Johnny really did die.

You can't fool me.
I know real.

This Webber show,
it's not real.

Real families
don't act like that.
They just don't.

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, Mike.

Hey, Steve,
what's happening?

What are you
doing here, man?

Billy quit.
She asked me
to cover.

You know, until they find
someone permanent.

She quit? Man,
Get out of here.

She loves these crackpots.

Oh, she asked me
to give you this.

Oh, fuck it.
She was a tight ass,
you know what.

It'll be kind of cool
to have a guy
around here.

Do you know
any dirty jokes?

Mike, I guess you haven't
heard, I found the Lord.

Where did you
find him, man?

Was he lost?

Mike, I have a feeling

the Lord brought us
together for a reason.

Okay.

Jesus died for your sins.

- Okay.
- Until you accept
the second coming

of your Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ,

there'll be no place in heaven
to save your mortal soul.

Josh.

- Huh?
- Give me a hand.

What?

Come on.

What are you
painting, Dr. G?

Everything.

The whole damn
world needs a new
coat of paint.

- Let's start right here.
- This?

Take this off.
Come on.
Come on.

Roger, baby.
You're just in time.

I'm about to unveil
the perfect man.

- Hi.
- Hi.

All right, everybody.
Stand over there.

I want you all to get
the full effect.

Excuse me, I have
something to say.

Excuse me,
can't it wait?

No, I'm afraid
it can't.

Look, Roger. I think
you're forgetting

just who the stars
are in this thing.

He said cut it.

All right. All right.

He said cut it.

Fuck it.

See what this guy's
says for himself.

My fans have been waiting
a long time for this moment

and I, Miranda Webber,
am going to give it to them.

Ta-da.

Well? Well?

Well?

Gerald:
Maybe it could be
a coat rack.

Emma:
For short people.

- Well, it's very--
- Big.

Goddamnit! Is that all
you people have to say?

This is my masterpiece,
you fucking weasels!

Get away from me!
Don't you dare touch me!

This is my moment!
It's mine!

Go upstairs. The only
thing down here
is the couch.

Huh? They're taking
our furniture?

- Your family
has been cancelled.
- What?

Roger: The viewers
no longer perceive
your family as real.

They don't believe
that real people would
actually behave

the way that you have.

Miranda:
What's-- what's this?

Roger:
It's your final
compensation.

I don't want your money.
I want my spin-off!

You said I could have
a spin-off! You promised!

You said "The Miranda
Webber Show," you said.

That's showbiz.

Or maybe they
could do something
with my statue.

Maybe they could
put it in a museum
or something.

Your statue was produced
on the show, for the show,

and by the show, therefore
the network owns it.

And if you are lucky,
your statue will wind up
as a fountain

in some executive's
driveway.

Well, then.

No need to get
sentimental.

It was fun.
Ciao.

Why don't you
fuck off.

- Come on.
- Come on, Miranda.

- I don't understand.
- Stars.

There are 45 camera plates

built into the interior
walls of the house,

but only 20 of them actually
have cameras behind them.

Man:
Excuse me,
Ms. James.

Karen, please.

Ms. Karen, how do
we know which one of
these to talk into?

Oh, we don't want you
to talk into the cameras.

We just want you
to be yourselves.

We don't want acting.
We want real life.

Oh, wow.

- Roger:
Oh.
-Uh-huh.

Oh, man.

What are you looking at?

Poor darling.

- It's been fun.
- Roger: What are you doing?

-Woman: Put your hands in.
-Man: Hey, who's he?

Nobody
to worry about.

- Woman: Is he hurt?
- Man: Looks kinda funny.

Karen:
That's just his face.

I apologize for the mess.
We'll have it all cleaned up.

Did I tell you about
our technical staff?

We'll have two technicians
working with you downstairs.

They'll monitor the cameras,
the lighting equipment.

Yes!

You're okay.

- Of course, I'm okay.
- You are okay.

Yeah, it's really
too bad, though.

Thank you.
Because I think I was
on to something.

What do you think?

I think the idea
of blue food
is too much for me.

Yeah.

Emma had a problem
with that, too.

Come on, Miranda.
Let's go.

Johnny! You promised
to stay dead

until I got
my spin-off.

You're such a liar.

Jerk.

I can't believe it.

- Come on, boy.
- Good job.

Come here.
Come here.
Come here.

Come on, Alfred.

- What?
- It looks like oil
or something.

- Well, can anything
be done?
- I don't know.

- It's not--
- It looks like it
overheated, right?

- All right, let's go.
- Needs oil.

- Oil.
- Let's leave it.

- Leave it?
- Come on.

- Just leave it?
- Emma: We got
plenty of money.

- Come on.
- Billy: We're just
gonna leave it here?

- Well, you know
- Come on.

$600,000, you can do
a lot with $600,000.

- Billy: Oh, yeah,
you could.
- Miranda: I want my--

- Emma: We need a new car.
- Miranda: I want my--

- Gerald: Yeah.
- We need a new place
to live in.

Miranda:
I want my spin-off.

Gerald: And I think
we're gonna have
to find a new name.

Josh: Miranda, sweetheart?

- What?
- Shut up.

Oh my God.
I knew you weren't dead.

I just knew it.

Can I have your autograph?

I can't.
I'm sorry.

Oh, okay.
Here.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

- Bye.
- Woman: Bye.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Yeah, yeah,
oh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm gonna see my name

♪ Shining high
above the night ♪

♪ Radiate
a million lights♪

♪ And I want
to see my face ♪

♪ On the cover
of a magazine♪

♪ Looking through
a TV screen ♪

♪ And I wanna
hear my voice ♪

♪ With a hypnotizing flow

♪ Speaking through the radio

♪ And I wanna see myself

♪ Livin' high
and feeling proud ♪

♪ I got my head above
the clouds ♪

♪ If I could be anything
for a day ♪

♪ I'd be king for a day

♪ Can you hear it?

♪ If I could be anything
for a day ♪

♪ I'd be king for a day

♪ Fifteen minutes

♪ I was wrong

♪ I never meant
to have you ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no

♪ Give me one more chance

♪ Oh, ooh

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ If I could be
anything for a day ♪

♪ I'd be king for a day

♪ Can you hear it?

♪ If I could be anything
for a day ♪

♪ I'd be king for a day

♪ Fifteen minutes

♪ Oh, can you hear it?

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ If I could be anything
for a day ♪

♪ I'd be king for a day

♪ Can you hear it?

♪ If I could be anything
for a day ♪

♪ I'd be king for a day

♪ If I could be anything
for a day ♪

♪ I'd be king for a day

♪ Can you hear it?

♪ Ooh, hooh

♪ Hoh, oh, yeah