Asterix in America (1994) - full transcript
Caesar has had enough when another legion is hacked to pieces by the damned single indomitable village in Gaul because of the druid's magic potion, so he decides to tackle the problem at the root before conspiratorial senators exploit his humiliation: sycophant Lucullus is ordered to capture the druid (believed immortal) and push him over the edge of the earth (according to the story still believed to be flat as a pizza; actually Greeks and Romans knew better). By pure luck, Lucullus' first net traps both druid and Obelix's pet dog, so the giant and Asterix follow them by ship on the Atlantic, and crash after a storm on the North America coast in pursuit of the druid who was catapulted off the Roman galley before Lucullus triumphantly sets sails back for Europe. They find the druid and meet a tribe of Indians (believing to be in India), literally a whole New World for the equally primitive Celts. At the home front, Caesar sees his chance to overrun the village, but has to wait till the last magic potion has run out, hoping the heroes won't return. In America, the medicine man has a bad eye in the foreigners, especially when the druid proves a dangerous rival...
Back in the year 48 BC...
...everyone believed the earth
was flat as a pizza.
Right in the middle, where the
anchovies converge, was Rome.
And Julius Caesar, the big cheese.
Julius Caesar bestrode the world
like a colossus...
...and his thumping great sandal
came right down on top of Gaul.
But there was a pebble in his sandal
as he strode to victory.
One village of indomitable Gauls who
had the gall to defy Caesar's legions.
The brave villagers had only one fear:
That the sky would fall on their heads tomorrow.
But as their chief,
Abraracourcix, said:
Yesterday was tomorrow
the day before yesterday.
Which, roughly translated, means
"why worry about tomorrow when we have today?"
The secret of the Gauls' courage was
a potion brewed by the druid, Panoramix.
It was this that made the Gauls
invincible, inexhaustible...
...and in Caesar's opinion,
intolerable.
Brave sons of Roma.
Mamma mia! Get the hell out of here!
You see these barbarians,
they got no respect for us.
Caesar, he say that's no good.
We gotta teach them respect, okay?
-What's the matter, Corpulentus?
-I think I've got Legionnaires' disease.
Silenzio, you cretins!
You all know the drill,
you bunch of salami-heads.
Today we're all gonna be tortoises.
By the right! Turtle formation.
Pronto. Pronto!
Get a move on.
Move it, you idiot.
Did I say "at ease"?
Wearing a skirt doesn't make you girl!
Pronto, pronto.
That's right. Very good!
Okay. To the left.
Pizza formation.
At the double. Ouch.
Who did that? You think I forget that?
I do not forget that.
Ouch.
Bella, bella.
Now in mouthwatering,
bite-sized slices.
Right away!
That's good. Just make sure
the Gauls do not eat you for dinner.
Paws off, Obelix.
You're fat enough already.
What do you mean, fat?
I'm big-boned. I only eat once a day.
Yeah, from dawn till dusk.
Very funny. Surely one boar
for breakfast isn't too much?
Come on, Dogmatix.
- How many did you have today?
- Three small ones. Piglets, really.
- Morning, Panacea.
- Hello, boys.
Did I do something wrong?
- Come on, Obelix.
- I was only being polite.
That's what I call toppling the monarchy.
Hello, Cacofonix. Can you see
what the Romans are doing?
What should the Romans be doing?
They're hiding from us, aren't they?
Oh, no. Oh, no!
Come on, get in there.
You call that a battle pyramid?
A new lot of Romans have arrived.
The Romans are coming!
Stop the squawking!
Do you hear me?
-Oh, no.
-Goody, goody. Fresh Romans.
New Romans. Boy, oh, boy.
Romans, everybody. Romans.
The Romans are here!
Boys, boys, slow down.
Stop!
There's enough for everyone.
- There's a queue here!
- How about some service?
- Asterix, you first.
- Yum, yum, yum.
Obelix, not you. You fell into
the potion when you were a baby.
That's enough to last you a lifetime.
It's worn off. I feel really weak.
I only had a small breakfast.
All right, bottoms up.
Now Hannibal's Gooseberry.
Bella. Attack, my soldiers!
What the-?
Let's get it over with, men! This way!
You're gonna get your
Roman heads kicked in!
Let's get them!
Let's go!
No! No! I'll court-martial every one of you!
Oh, no. Sharp! Pointy.
Soldiers, engage! Show no mercy!
Take no prisoners.
Punch them up the bracket.
You, on the defense. Stop running!
Hey, you, that's illegal!
What a terrible year for Romans.
The 46 BC squad was much better.
Here, let's give this one a go.
You're right, they're absolutely
useless in the air.
Pulverize them! Draw them! Quarter them!
Throttle them....Where was I?
Knee them in the squidgy bits.
Slice them, dice them!
I mean....
Leading from the rear?
That's just pitiful.
- Come on out here.
- Remember the Geneva Convention!
There won't be another rematch
until you Romans get a better team.
- Tell your Caesar that, okay?
- Okay.
Whenever I send a message,
I always use...
...airmail.
Rome, the most important city in the universe.
Home of everything great about civilization.
The Senate, the Coliseum...
...and those little pasta things
shaped like shells.
Alms for the legless.
The Roman senators were
steamed up about the Gauls.
Who's taken my towel?
Even if you get good odds on the Christians...
...it's just stupid not to bet on the lions.
This steam's playing havoc
with my laurel leaves.
They've lost all their bounce.
Cease your incessant prattling.
Steam makes our bodies strong
as swords tempered in the fire.
Things are gonna get
really hot under the collar.
It'll get hotter for him if the Gauls
continue to fan the flames of revolt.
Yes, he's in the hot seat, all right.
We'll make sure he sweats it out.
Where's that shirker, Brutus?
He should take care of his job.
I swear, that guy will stab you in the back.
Stab in the back?
Emperor. Great Caesar. Take heed-
Excuse me.
- Come in. Water on the coals, slave.
- Ave, Caesar.
Come forward. Approach us and be heard.
Oh, ouch, oh. Ouch.
Now, there's an Olympic event
the Greeks never thought of.
Plunging.
Ave, Caesar. The freshly-bathed salute you.
Ave, ave, centurion.
- I just wanted to say-
- Yes, yes? Spit it out, man.
- The Gauls.
- Oh, no. Not again.
- We've had enough of this.
- Yes, it's getting ridiculous.
- No! I cannot.
I will not be humiliated
in front of my senators.
Just because some country bumpkins...
...dare to oppose me
and the all-powerful Rome.
I've got to put a stop to it.
Right now!
As long as they have their potion....
Exactly. That damn potion
is endangering my career.
Without it, the Gauls would have
been conquered long ago.
As long as that druid continues
to brew his magic potion...
...no military campaign will have
any effect.
Ah, I've got it. We simply
capture their druid...
...and throw him to the lions.
And then for seconds, we'll feed them
the rest of the village.
A brilliant idea.
But there's one tiny flaw, Emperor.
- And what might that be, Lucullus?
- Druids are said to be immortal.
That's the trouble with druids.
They're so inconsiderate.
Let me think...
We shall have to be more cunning.
I know.
We'll take the druid to the end
of the world, and then....
Out there, he'll be lost for all eternity.
Your brilliance is exceeded
only by your cruelty.
But who would be so stupid-?
I mean, so courageous
to sail to the end of the world?
I can think of someone
who was made for the task.
You, Lucullus. You'll do it.
But I....
You. And I won't take no for an answer.
All I can say is,
thank heavens the world is flat.
That stinking fish dealer has gone too far.
The last time that fish was fresh
was when I was in short trousers.
-Ordralfabétix.
-What can I do for you, chief?
You've done quite enough.
My bearers are in pain.
You poisoned them with your fish.
My fish don't stink.
Don't make me laugh.
Your fish stink worse than your socks.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah. Your fish stink to-
Nonsense.
Try it yourself for once.
- Friends, friends-
- My fish does not stink!
Friends, let's talk this over like mature-
- What's going on?
- Hang on a minute.
How do you like that?
They send us out for food while
they're staying home and having a good time.
Let me have a go.
What a wonderful sight.
Gauls beating their brains out.
Do excuse me, gentlemen,
but I must go and change.
Okay, shut your eyes
Quickly into my disguise
Grab a gown, pull it down
Stick-on beard, that feels weird
Just a dab of eau de Gaul
Behold the fairest druid of all
They're like big kids.
Every day, any excuse for a fight.
Yeah, but it's exercise.
Right on cue. Fresh fish, that's what we need.
The potion won't work without it.
Revolting. Disgusting.
Look out!
The potion. No, I've got it.
Don't worry, I'll get it.
I've got it. I've got it.
What a butterfingers I am.
Why now, when herbs are in short supply?
Blockhead.
Yeah, blockhead.
And all because you're so clumsy.
- Me? Look at yourself.
- No good crying over spilt potion.
Hey, wait a minute.
There's a drop left.
A drop? That won't last two minutes.
You drink it by the gallon.
We must brew more.
Someone has to go fishing.
We need fresh fish, mind you.
- I can fish.
- Me too. I know all about fishing.
Hurry up, our lives may depend on it.
I'll go and collect herbs.
No, no, my precious little sausage,
you'd better stay on land.
Panoramix needs a guard dog.
Come on, Dogmatix.
No time to lose.
Children, all of them.
If only they knew the danger we're in.
Shush, Dogmatix. Not so loud.
We don't want the Romans to hear.
We're behind enemy lines.
Didn't you read that sign?
"Trespassers will be slaughtered.
P.S. We're not kidding."
And one of these. That's it.
The only thing I need now
is the fresh fish.
Dogmatix.
Get lost, you stupid mutt.
Dogmatix, what's wrong?
Dogmatix, where are you?
Come on, come on.
The Agaricus muscarius,
esteemed colleague.
Now, let me guess.
You want to catch flies with it.
No, not flies, dear colleague.
Druids.
What did I tell you?
Catching druids is child's play.
You're no druid.
Let me out, you monster.
It should be deep enough here.
I'm afraid we have to turn back.
We've run out of food.
You greedy pig.
Why not scarf the boat too?
Please throw out the net.
Aye, aye, captain. Ordinary Seaman
Obelix will now throw out the net.
No, not like that.
-Obelix.
-Here, fishes. Here, fishy-wishies.
-Obelix.
-Here, fishies. Come to Uncle Obelix.
-Obelix.
-Shh. What's the matter with you?
You're frightening away
all my little fishy-wishies.
When I said throw out the net...
...I meant, tie one end to the boat first.
Not throw it away completely, you dummy.
Well, isn't that just typical?
Now he's Captain Asterix,
doesn't he act all high and mighty?
And another thing, Captain Asterix...
...I'm a menhir deliverer,
not a net-thrower-outer.
That's obvious. Know what's between your ears?
Absolutely nothing.
- Says who?
- Says me.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- You looking for some?
- Try something.
- Go away.
- Go sing at sea.
- Maybe a few fish will float to the top.
Uncultured idiots. Philistines.
I'm sure my aquatic brethren
will be more appreciative.
A prophet without appreciation
in his own land...
Help!
What's this? Am I seeing things?
Why, it can't be true. It's Panoramix!
Alarm-o! Alarm-o!
With a hey, diddly-die-do!
The Romans have got Panoramix!
Our druid-o! Our druid-o!
A brilliant plan! Say farewell
to your doomed friends, druid.
You won't be seeing Gaul again.
Don't count your chickens. Asterix and
Obelix will come after you.
If need be, to the end of the world.
What a coincidence.
That's exactly where you're going,
you doddering old fool.
Puddinghead.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
You can take a long jump off a short deck.
I can, can I? I have
one thing to say, gutbucket.
Hey, Gauls.
Button your lip or I'll button it for you.
Asterix, Obelix, help!
Don't forget to say ciao to your druid, Gauls.
- It's Panoramix.
- Dogmatix. Daddy's little pet.
Hand over our druid or you'll regret it.
If you touch one hair
on my little dog's head-
Don't make me laugh.
Come and get him.
We'll do just that.
Obelix, get out the oars.
- Aye, aye.
- No!
Belinus, give me strength.
What's wrong with you now?
You did say-
Yes, I did... What are we gonna do now?
We're up doo-doo creek with no paddle.
Is this the Captain Asterix who's
always getting me out of trouble?
It's lucky I'm here.
Hey, now, don't overdo it.
Hang on, Romans, we're coming!
Now we're really motoring.
More to the right. The right.
- Which?
- The hand you punch Romans with.
I punch Romans with both hands.
- They're gaining on us.
- Fear not, that will be taken care of.
My dear sportsmen. It's time for a race.
Will Oxfordia, sporting the dark blue bruises...
...hold sway over Cambridgensia,
with the light blue contusions?
Shall we see?
Hooray.
On your mark. Get set.
We'd like to wish you gentlemen
the very best of luck.
That's very civil of you.
Should we win, we'll naturally
give you a rematch.
- Capital. Spoken like a gentleman.
- No more than you, sir.
Go!
For he's a jolly good pirate
For he's a jolly good pirate
For he's a jolly good pirate
And so say all of us
Happy birthday, captain.
Where was I? Ho-ho.
All the guys pitched in
and bought you little something.
We thought you could use this
if we happen to bump into some Gauls.
That's very sweet,
but I won't be needing it.
If I come across them Gauls again,
I'll wring their necks.
They'll be dead ducks.
And now let's have a party.
You're all invited.
I love parties.
Is there red and green jelly?
Gauls. Gauls!
Gauls on the starboard now!
Please, not today...
For he's a jolly good pirate
For he's a jolly good pirate
For he's a jolly good pirate
All right, that's enough.
And so say all of us
Faster, Obelix, faster.
No problem. I'm going into overdrive...now.
Oh, looks like we're in for a storm.
- I'm taking on water.
- That's torn it.
- If I can just....
- I'm slipping...
Hurry up, climb aboard!
All right, keep your hat on.
Do you think it will get any worse?
The wind looks fresh and strong,
increasing southwest-
Hang on! We're being carried away!
Look at that wave. Heave to!
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no! By Beli-
That's the last we'll see of them.
The fish will soon be dining on your friends.
Until Panoramix gets back,
we're sitting ducks.
We've never faced the Romans
without them. What if they attack?
We can't hold out without Asterix and Obelix.
We've still got a little bit of potion
but it won't last forever.
By Belinus, the gods are against us.
Don't be afraid, Auntie Bonnemine.
I'll protect you from the Romans.
- You're a good boy.
- Spoken like a true Gaul.
- That's the spirit.
- We're not beaten yet!
Where are we?
It's obvious. North of....
Well, no, perhaps south....
We're not far behind Panoramix, okay?
And what about Dogmatix?
To think that I may never get a kiss
from his little wet nose again.
Look, druid, we're approaching
the end of the world...
...the end of you and
the end of a perfect day.
Dogmatix. Get him, boy.
Ouch. You sniveling cur.
You little barbarian.
Here, take a good look at this, druid.
A small foretaste of your own fate.
Let him go!
You'll regret this, Roman.
My only regret is
that I didn't think of...
...feeding this mutt to the sharks earlier.
It's your turn soon, druid.
Dogmatix. No!
Dog overboard! Full speed ahead.
What's that? Dogfish?
No, by Teutates, it's Dogmatix.
- Yeah, Dogmatix!
- Here, boy, here. Dogmatix.
Oh, my little pet.
I never thought I'd see
Daddy's little puppy again.
Look, the dolphin. He's trying
to tell us something. After him.
- What did he say?
- I don't speak dolphin.
No? Really? You surprise me.
Let's go through this
one more time before Caesar gets here.
You see in front of you the latest
development in long-range warfare.
The man-eating lion launcher.
For those of you
with spaghetti for brains...
...I'll do this one more time.
On the order that I shall give
and not before...
...first the safety strap
will be removed. Like so.
And remember, never, not nohow...
...I repeat, never, in no way,
you turn your back on a loaded lion.
That is, if you don't want
to end up as antipasto.
And remember, keep your little paws
off this rope here.
When I give the order,
it will be severed.
Like so.
We're fit, we're brave, we're strong.
We speak Latin all day long.
Fighting Gauls is what we do.
We'll make them speak Latin too.
There goes the sun...
...slipping off the edge
of the world right now.
Stupidus, how's the water level?
Full fathom five.
We're at the shallow end.
Wonderful, we're here.
Any closer and we'd be banging
against the edge.
And now raise the catapult.
Okay, okay.
That's the boat, all right,
but why have they stopped?
What's going on?
Well, the good news is, you don't have
to be tied to the mast anymore.
The bad news is, I'm going to catapult
you off the edge of the world.
The gods will get you for this, Roman.
By Pluto, it's that boat with Gauls.
Jettison this geriatric
and let's get out of here.
- Don't forget to write.
- By Belinus, Obelix. Quick.
Panoramix, we're coming.
Slowdown. We're going to hit the edge.
Stop, stop!
Nothing beats the sight of
your enemies going down in the west.
And all thanks to my brilliant mind.
Oh, well. Better get back to Gaul.
Obelix, wake up.
Where am I? Dogmatix, are we dead?
I don't think so.
Come on. Let's see what's
on the top of those cliffs.
- Don't go up there. It's dangerous.
- I'll just take a peek.
It's the edge of the world.
You'll fall.
By Belinus and Teutates.
Take a look at this, Obelix.
No, we'll both fall
and then Dogmatix will be an orphan.
Panoramix must have landed
somewhere out there.
- I'm tired. Let's call it a day.
- Okay.
- I'm starving.
- Me too.
Right. You light the fire.
I'll rustle us up a few boar.
Come on, Dogmatix. Walkies.
Dogmatix. Dogmatix, heel.
What's wrong? Oh, come to Daddy.
Who frightened diddums, then?
Oh, my. What the heck is that?
-It's an oven-ready gobble-gobble.
-It's incredible.
But it's edible. Light a fire, quick.
Look what I got, Asterix.
Aren't they beautiful?
Don't go counting your chickens.
We haven't tasted them yet.
Who'd have thought it? Tastes nice.
ASTERIX:
Yeah, very nice.
Though I wonder if
it would taste better stuffed.
- Stuffed with boar, for example.
- I wonder where Panoramix is.
I hope he's all right.
Hope he's found somewhere to sleep.
We'll definitely find him...
...in the morning.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Back home, the Gauls prepared
for the inevitable Roman attack.
They built reinforcements.
Then they built reinforcements
on the reinforcements.
For when you were up against the Romans,
you couldn't be too reinforced.
Oh, well. Time to get up.
Wakey wakey, Obelix.
Lazy bones, move yourself.
We've gotta find Panoramix.
Get up. Time for breakfast.
Breakfast? Did someone say breakfast? Yum-yum.
Am I hungry. I could eat 10 boars.
What are we having?
Gobble-gobbles, what else?
Someone has to catch them first.
Oh, like me, for instance.
Oh, all right then. Come on,
Dogmatix, walkies. Come on.
Obelix? Dogmatix?
Dogmatix, pay attention.
I'm gonna teach you a hunting trick.
You imitate the cry of the whatever
we're hunting. Now, listen.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
MAN:
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble,
Do you hear? It worked. Up there.
Now, hunting tip number two:
We sneak along on tiptoe...
...and then we shake our feathered
friend out of its nest. Tweet-tweet.
It's got feathers but it's not
a gobble-gobble. It's a red bird-man.
Maybe he knows something
about our druid.
I better show him to Asterix.
Hey, look. It's an oven-ready Roman
disguised as a gobble-gobble.
They're mad. Asterix?
Come on out, stop messing about.
What's this?
Asterix never takes his helmet off.
Not even to wash his hair.
- Someone must have knocked it off.
- Geronimo.
What?
Right, you. Where's Asterix?
Out with it.
Wonder what that means?
Maybe Asterix will know.
Search, Dogmatix, search for Asterix.
Hey, slow down.
That dog can sniff faster
than I can run.
Paws off.
- Well, I've had warmer welcomes.
- Panoramix. Are you okay?
I was lucky. Caesar thinks
I fell off the edge of the earth.
- But the earth isn't flat. It's round.
- Wow.
I landed on Laughing Boy's tepee over there.
But where are we?
I believe this is
the secret land of Indus.
- If so, these natives must be red....
- Indussans?
No, I think we'll find they
prefer to be called Native Americans.
Keep your nose
to the ground, Dogmatix.
Hello, what's that?
Dogmatix, the end is nigh.
The sky's falling on our heads.
By Teutates, it's a girl.
A Gaul always helps
a lady in distress.
Hang on, miss. Here comes help!
Any minute now!
I'll save you.
Phew.
It's a 40-buffalo pileup.
Just look at the size of them.
"Pom tittle" what?
She's talking funny.
Oh, I'm sorry. Do you speak Gallic?
- At-Tischoo.
- Bless you.
At-Tischoo.
Oh, you, At-Tischoo. Me, Obelix.
Watch where you throw that thing.
You could take somebody's eye out.
- The social niceties are over with.
- Obelix is our only hope.
He's going for a treble top, 180.
Obelix!
What's going on here? Is this
some kind of Indian rope trick?
Leave this to me.
I'll have a word with their leader.
Look, my little feathered friends.
Why have you tied up my mates?
Wait a minute. It's you again.
Unless you want another beating,
I'd shove off out of here.
What a fibber. That's not what
happened at all. He's out of his tree.
- He's got it. That's how it was.
- Obelix, watch out.
Right, who did that?
- Anyone else like to try it on?
- Obelix, behind you.
Hey.
What's going on now?
Obelix.
I don't know what they're saying,
but it doesn't sound good.
Hi there, big fella.
The Muckifoot Indians had a custom.
Whoever defeated their champion
got to leave still wearing his scalp.
Pretty good. I'll show you how we do it.
Only one Gaul ever became a
Muckifoot brother and that was Obelix.
Belinus, bless the day that Obelix
fell into the magic potion as a boy.
You can say that again.
- Give me five, chief.
- "Give me five"?
ALL:
Give me five.
Ave, Caesar.
The magic potion test group is back.
I take it the Gauls still
have some of the potion left?
They do.
Three of us held one of them down
for almost two seconds. Honestly.
That's pitiful. From now on, test
their fighting abilities twice a day.
Until you or their potion supply
gives out. Whichever happens first.
Yum, yum.
We must get back home as soon as possible.
I have everything we need for
the magic potion, including fish.
- I say we leave first thing tomorrow.
- Yeah, we've gotta get back.
This is good. Gobble-gobble?
No. Bow-wow.
Ugh.
What's going on?
Looks like the medicine man is
trying out some kind of mumbo jumbo.
You call that magic? This is kids' stuff.
ALL:
Yay.
- Wow. He made it rain.
- Yeah.
Bit of a localized shower though.
Hold on, this isn't magic.
Hey, it's not very nice.
Here, miss, take a sip of this.
Yeah, go ahead.
- I think it's working.
- Now, this should be interesting.
Let's have a party.
Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom
Are you gonna play a tune?
Have a party, be a smarty
Leave your cares behind the moon
Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom
Kind of makes you want to dance
We're not looking for no fighting
So let's give our peace a chance
Ah-ee-ooh
Ooh-li-yah
We are one people
And we, like you
We are one tribe
Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom
Braves are braves and we are too
Pretty squaws just like ours
Feel like home with me and you
Medical, radical
Shaking bones don't make you well
Sing along with our song
'Cause it's better than a spell
Ah-ee-ooh
Ooh-li-yah
We are one people
And we, like you
We are one tribe
Ah-ee-ooh
Ooh-li-yah
We are one people
Ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-li-yah
We are one tribe
These red Indians aren't
a bad lot, are they?
-Thank gods that medicine man left.
-Yeah, he was bad medicine.
Dogmatix.
Settle down. I think he comes in peace.
No, thank you.
We can't offend him.
What on earth is it?
I see what you do.
It tastes ghastly.
Good for you?
You suck the smoke in your mouth?
- Go on, Asterix.
- Let's hope this never catches on.
Hey, that looks like fun.
Let me have a go.
No, don't. Obelix.
- Hey, cut it out, everybody.
- It's dangerous stuff.
I feel...
...dreadful.
Oh, no, he drugged us.
I'm woozy.
It's a beauty, no?
The newly developed Patriotus Maketo.
You play with fire
but other people get burned.
Fire!
Fire!
Help! Help us! Asterix!
What happened?
Oh, my head.
It feels like someone drove a chariot
in one ear and out the other.
Where's Panoramix? Obelix, wake up.
Panoramix has vanished. Wake up.
What are you gabbling about?
Get up, Obelix.
Obelix, it's me, Asterix.
Oh, no. Poor Obelix.
He's gonna be a great help
finding Panoramix...
I won't hand over the secret
of my magic potion to you.
I'd rather be skinned alive first.
On second thought,
start with the bean herb.
No, that's spinach.
Yeah. That's right.
That should teach you a lesson.
The potion is undeniably
a taste sensation...
...but it's as magic as soup.
Get a grip, Obelix.
Pull yourself together.
Snap out of it.
Be careful, Obelix.
Oh, no. This way. This way, I said.
Careful. Remember, this direction.
Take it easy.
If we don't find Panoramix soon,
there won't be a tree left standing.
You're certainly barking mad.
Heel, boy. Good boy. Sit. Sit.
Oh, no!
I hope those boys turn up before
old horn-head finds out the truth.
By Teutates.
Ow!
I did give you a recipe. Unfortunately
it was a recipe for disaster.
Asterix! Obelix!
Stay on your leash until
you learn how to be a good dog.
Now you've got me at it.
No. It's not bath time!
Bad dog!
No! Stop! Halt! Enough!
Obelix, stop that!
Woof! Woof, woof, woof.
Obelix's trouble is that
he doesn't know his own strength.
Where am I? Wow.
This place must predate
interior decorating.
This place looks like a good place to hide.
Asterix!
Panoramix?
Obelix, Obelix! I'm coming, Panoramix!
- Over here, Asterix, hurry!
- Panoramix!
I'm nearly here!
Asterix, watch out.
Put your paws up.
You're in for a big surprise,
and not the kind you'll enjoy.
Asterix, drink before it's too late.
Watch out.
Paws off.
Now, that would make a nice rug.
So, Mr. Medicine Man, how would
you like to taste your own medicine?
For pity, kemosabe.
For pity. Mea culpa.
Look at that ugly duckling.
Let's hope he turns into a swan.
Then he can fly home.
Yes, it's high time we left.
Ooh.
Aha.
[WHISTLES]
What does she want?
Wow, an Indian takeaway.
If that doesn't save
Obelix's bacon, nothing will.
- Aren't ducks vegetarian?
- Not this one.
Of course. Now I remember.
The cure for amnesia is 30 pounds
of roast pork taken orally.
Yeah, that was good.
What's for afters?
♫ Somewhere inside is burning
♫ don't know why it's hurting
How do you say goodbye in Indian?
One hand on your heart,
the other in the air.
See?
♫ Say goodbye
♫ never forget
♫ Say goodbye
♫ believe in the day
♫ Say goodbye
♫ Our hearts gonna beat both together
♫'Cause we will find a way
♫ Say goodbye
♫ never forget
♫ Say goodbye
♫ believe in the day
♫ Say goodbye
Obelix, would you come on?
Our friends are waiting.
Bye.
Thank you for having us.
And thanks for the feather.
Goodbye.
♫ Say goodbye
♫ never forget
♫ Say goodbye
♫ believe in the day
♫ Say goodbye
♫ Our hearts gonna beat both together
♫ 'Cause we will find a way
♫ We will find a way
♫ We will find a way
♫ We will find a way
- Ship ahoy! We're saved!
- Save our skins!
- Stop!
- Take us with you!
Gauls!
Move over. Let's have a look.
Try and look like coconuts, men,
and don't move.
Whoa!
I feel awful.
That's natural for a transatlantic crossing.
- You're suffering from canoe-lag.
- Huh?
Obelix, put your foot down or the
Romans will be all over our village.
Look, a sea gull. Look.
Do you realize what this means?
-Yeah, cover your heads!
- No, we're approaching land.
- Gaul?
We've done it!
- Gaul, sweet Gaul.
- Look.
They've got a kettle on for us already.
That's not the kettle.
It's the village.
Quick. While there's still
something left to save.
Friends, friends, throw out
the menhirs and boars first.
For nothing.
What could have happened?
-By Teutates.
-We're too late.
Oh, no. Abraracourcix.
Ordralfabétix. Where are you?
Come out. Can't you hear me?
They're gone. We've lost them all.
We failed them when they needed us.
You mean-
Yeah, they've all gone
to that big village in the sky.
Look over there, Obelix. It's our bard.
By Belinus, cut him down fast.
- What happened to the others?
- Where are they?
Look what the Romans did when I tried
to sing for my captured comrades.
Captured? Then they're still alive?
They're being taken to the arena.
Without the potion, we know the score.
Yeah. Lions: 15. Gauls: nil.
What are we waiting for?
I can brew the potion,
but the rest is up to you.
Don't worry, Panoramix.
I'm in the mood for a Roman holiday.
I won't forget the part
you've played in my victory, Lucullus.
You'll be rewarded.
Not the lovely villa
on the shores of Lake Como?
No.
The Gallic village.
- What?!
- It's yours.
Beautifully appointed country home.
May lack a few basic necessities,
but plenty of rustic charm.
My Caesar is too kind.
Without your magic potion,
you are nothing.
Mm.
Cheers.
Wouldn't like to be them in the morning.
Hey, guys. Wanna join the party?
Thanks, but no, thanks.
Okay, suit yourselves.
We're the next watch. You're relieved.
I'll say I am. I'm dying to go.
Must be all this wine.
Ooh.
All clear, Obelix.
Rotten cowards, the lot of them.
Lazy, greedy.
Me? Greedy?
God preserve us. It can't be.
Impedimenta. Look who's here.
- What a sight for sore eyes.
- We're glad to see you.
Cheers.
Do you know the secret
of my success, Lucullus?
Bread and circuses?
Exactly. And Gauls.
Lots of Gauls being devoured...
...very, very messily by lions.
And the people love you for it, Caesar.
Yes...
...and yet it can lonely at the top.
What's that? Who dares to-?
By the gods.
Oh, no!
Gotcha.
Oh.
Here.
Huh?
- Halt. Who goes there?
- A barrel, you fool.
A barrel. Of course.
Where are your friends
when you need them?
How will I explain this in my new book
on the Gallic wars?
Got it. I advanced backwards
in a brilliant tactical maneuver.
And so the Gauls
returned home triumphant.
Asterix and Obelix were
the heroes of the hour.
They had feathers in their hair.
And they sang a strange tribal song.
- How did it go?
- I'll sing it for you, all right?
Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha
Ging gang goo
Ging gang goo
All right?
Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha
Ging gang goo
Ging gang goo
Hayla
Hayla shayla
Hayla shayla
Layla-loo
Hayla, hayla shayla
Hayla shayla
Layla-loo
Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha
Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha
Ging gang goo
Ging gang goo
Hayla....
So we say goodbye to
the splendor that was Rome...
...the might that was Gaul...
...and the song that was
"Ging Gang Goolie Goolie."
Hayla shayla
Hayla shayla
Layla-loo!
♫
...everyone believed the earth
was flat as a pizza.
Right in the middle, where the
anchovies converge, was Rome.
And Julius Caesar, the big cheese.
Julius Caesar bestrode the world
like a colossus...
...and his thumping great sandal
came right down on top of Gaul.
But there was a pebble in his sandal
as he strode to victory.
One village of indomitable Gauls who
had the gall to defy Caesar's legions.
The brave villagers had only one fear:
That the sky would fall on their heads tomorrow.
But as their chief,
Abraracourcix, said:
Yesterday was tomorrow
the day before yesterday.
Which, roughly translated, means
"why worry about tomorrow when we have today?"
The secret of the Gauls' courage was
a potion brewed by the druid, Panoramix.
It was this that made the Gauls
invincible, inexhaustible...
...and in Caesar's opinion,
intolerable.
Brave sons of Roma.
Mamma mia! Get the hell out of here!
You see these barbarians,
they got no respect for us.
Caesar, he say that's no good.
We gotta teach them respect, okay?
-What's the matter, Corpulentus?
-I think I've got Legionnaires' disease.
Silenzio, you cretins!
You all know the drill,
you bunch of salami-heads.
Today we're all gonna be tortoises.
By the right! Turtle formation.
Pronto. Pronto!
Get a move on.
Move it, you idiot.
Did I say "at ease"?
Wearing a skirt doesn't make you girl!
Pronto, pronto.
That's right. Very good!
Okay. To the left.
Pizza formation.
At the double. Ouch.
Who did that? You think I forget that?
I do not forget that.
Ouch.
Bella, bella.
Now in mouthwatering,
bite-sized slices.
Right away!
That's good. Just make sure
the Gauls do not eat you for dinner.
Paws off, Obelix.
You're fat enough already.
What do you mean, fat?
I'm big-boned. I only eat once a day.
Yeah, from dawn till dusk.
Very funny. Surely one boar
for breakfast isn't too much?
Come on, Dogmatix.
- How many did you have today?
- Three small ones. Piglets, really.
- Morning, Panacea.
- Hello, boys.
Did I do something wrong?
- Come on, Obelix.
- I was only being polite.
That's what I call toppling the monarchy.
Hello, Cacofonix. Can you see
what the Romans are doing?
What should the Romans be doing?
They're hiding from us, aren't they?
Oh, no. Oh, no!
Come on, get in there.
You call that a battle pyramid?
A new lot of Romans have arrived.
The Romans are coming!
Stop the squawking!
Do you hear me?
-Oh, no.
-Goody, goody. Fresh Romans.
New Romans. Boy, oh, boy.
Romans, everybody. Romans.
The Romans are here!
Boys, boys, slow down.
Stop!
There's enough for everyone.
- There's a queue here!
- How about some service?
- Asterix, you first.
- Yum, yum, yum.
Obelix, not you. You fell into
the potion when you were a baby.
That's enough to last you a lifetime.
It's worn off. I feel really weak.
I only had a small breakfast.
All right, bottoms up.
Now Hannibal's Gooseberry.
Bella. Attack, my soldiers!
What the-?
Let's get it over with, men! This way!
You're gonna get your
Roman heads kicked in!
Let's get them!
Let's go!
No! No! I'll court-martial every one of you!
Oh, no. Sharp! Pointy.
Soldiers, engage! Show no mercy!
Take no prisoners.
Punch them up the bracket.
You, on the defense. Stop running!
Hey, you, that's illegal!
What a terrible year for Romans.
The 46 BC squad was much better.
Here, let's give this one a go.
You're right, they're absolutely
useless in the air.
Pulverize them! Draw them! Quarter them!
Throttle them....Where was I?
Knee them in the squidgy bits.
Slice them, dice them!
I mean....
Leading from the rear?
That's just pitiful.
- Come on out here.
- Remember the Geneva Convention!
There won't be another rematch
until you Romans get a better team.
- Tell your Caesar that, okay?
- Okay.
Whenever I send a message,
I always use...
...airmail.
Rome, the most important city in the universe.
Home of everything great about civilization.
The Senate, the Coliseum...
...and those little pasta things
shaped like shells.
Alms for the legless.
The Roman senators were
steamed up about the Gauls.
Who's taken my towel?
Even if you get good odds on the Christians...
...it's just stupid not to bet on the lions.
This steam's playing havoc
with my laurel leaves.
They've lost all their bounce.
Cease your incessant prattling.
Steam makes our bodies strong
as swords tempered in the fire.
Things are gonna get
really hot under the collar.
It'll get hotter for him if the Gauls
continue to fan the flames of revolt.
Yes, he's in the hot seat, all right.
We'll make sure he sweats it out.
Where's that shirker, Brutus?
He should take care of his job.
I swear, that guy will stab you in the back.
Stab in the back?
Emperor. Great Caesar. Take heed-
Excuse me.
- Come in. Water on the coals, slave.
- Ave, Caesar.
Come forward. Approach us and be heard.
Oh, ouch, oh. Ouch.
Now, there's an Olympic event
the Greeks never thought of.
Plunging.
Ave, Caesar. The freshly-bathed salute you.
Ave, ave, centurion.
- I just wanted to say-
- Yes, yes? Spit it out, man.
- The Gauls.
- Oh, no. Not again.
- We've had enough of this.
- Yes, it's getting ridiculous.
- No! I cannot.
I will not be humiliated
in front of my senators.
Just because some country bumpkins...
...dare to oppose me
and the all-powerful Rome.
I've got to put a stop to it.
Right now!
As long as they have their potion....
Exactly. That damn potion
is endangering my career.
Without it, the Gauls would have
been conquered long ago.
As long as that druid continues
to brew his magic potion...
...no military campaign will have
any effect.
Ah, I've got it. We simply
capture their druid...
...and throw him to the lions.
And then for seconds, we'll feed them
the rest of the village.
A brilliant idea.
But there's one tiny flaw, Emperor.
- And what might that be, Lucullus?
- Druids are said to be immortal.
That's the trouble with druids.
They're so inconsiderate.
Let me think...
We shall have to be more cunning.
I know.
We'll take the druid to the end
of the world, and then....
Out there, he'll be lost for all eternity.
Your brilliance is exceeded
only by your cruelty.
But who would be so stupid-?
I mean, so courageous
to sail to the end of the world?
I can think of someone
who was made for the task.
You, Lucullus. You'll do it.
But I....
You. And I won't take no for an answer.
All I can say is,
thank heavens the world is flat.
That stinking fish dealer has gone too far.
The last time that fish was fresh
was when I was in short trousers.
-Ordralfabétix.
-What can I do for you, chief?
You've done quite enough.
My bearers are in pain.
You poisoned them with your fish.
My fish don't stink.
Don't make me laugh.
Your fish stink worse than your socks.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah. Your fish stink to-
Nonsense.
Try it yourself for once.
- Friends, friends-
- My fish does not stink!
Friends, let's talk this over like mature-
- What's going on?
- Hang on a minute.
How do you like that?
They send us out for food while
they're staying home and having a good time.
Let me have a go.
What a wonderful sight.
Gauls beating their brains out.
Do excuse me, gentlemen,
but I must go and change.
Okay, shut your eyes
Quickly into my disguise
Grab a gown, pull it down
Stick-on beard, that feels weird
Just a dab of eau de Gaul
Behold the fairest druid of all
They're like big kids.
Every day, any excuse for a fight.
Yeah, but it's exercise.
Right on cue. Fresh fish, that's what we need.
The potion won't work without it.
Revolting. Disgusting.
Look out!
The potion. No, I've got it.
Don't worry, I'll get it.
I've got it. I've got it.
What a butterfingers I am.
Why now, when herbs are in short supply?
Blockhead.
Yeah, blockhead.
And all because you're so clumsy.
- Me? Look at yourself.
- No good crying over spilt potion.
Hey, wait a minute.
There's a drop left.
A drop? That won't last two minutes.
You drink it by the gallon.
We must brew more.
Someone has to go fishing.
We need fresh fish, mind you.
- I can fish.
- Me too. I know all about fishing.
Hurry up, our lives may depend on it.
I'll go and collect herbs.
No, no, my precious little sausage,
you'd better stay on land.
Panoramix needs a guard dog.
Come on, Dogmatix.
No time to lose.
Children, all of them.
If only they knew the danger we're in.
Shush, Dogmatix. Not so loud.
We don't want the Romans to hear.
We're behind enemy lines.
Didn't you read that sign?
"Trespassers will be slaughtered.
P.S. We're not kidding."
And one of these. That's it.
The only thing I need now
is the fresh fish.
Dogmatix.
Get lost, you stupid mutt.
Dogmatix, what's wrong?
Dogmatix, where are you?
Come on, come on.
The Agaricus muscarius,
esteemed colleague.
Now, let me guess.
You want to catch flies with it.
No, not flies, dear colleague.
Druids.
What did I tell you?
Catching druids is child's play.
You're no druid.
Let me out, you monster.
It should be deep enough here.
I'm afraid we have to turn back.
We've run out of food.
You greedy pig.
Why not scarf the boat too?
Please throw out the net.
Aye, aye, captain. Ordinary Seaman
Obelix will now throw out the net.
No, not like that.
-Obelix.
-Here, fishes. Here, fishy-wishies.
-Obelix.
-Here, fishies. Come to Uncle Obelix.
-Obelix.
-Shh. What's the matter with you?
You're frightening away
all my little fishy-wishies.
When I said throw out the net...
...I meant, tie one end to the boat first.
Not throw it away completely, you dummy.
Well, isn't that just typical?
Now he's Captain Asterix,
doesn't he act all high and mighty?
And another thing, Captain Asterix...
...I'm a menhir deliverer,
not a net-thrower-outer.
That's obvious. Know what's between your ears?
Absolutely nothing.
- Says who?
- Says me.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- You looking for some?
- Try something.
- Go away.
- Go sing at sea.
- Maybe a few fish will float to the top.
Uncultured idiots. Philistines.
I'm sure my aquatic brethren
will be more appreciative.
A prophet without appreciation
in his own land...
Help!
What's this? Am I seeing things?
Why, it can't be true. It's Panoramix!
Alarm-o! Alarm-o!
With a hey, diddly-die-do!
The Romans have got Panoramix!
Our druid-o! Our druid-o!
A brilliant plan! Say farewell
to your doomed friends, druid.
You won't be seeing Gaul again.
Don't count your chickens. Asterix and
Obelix will come after you.
If need be, to the end of the world.
What a coincidence.
That's exactly where you're going,
you doddering old fool.
Puddinghead.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
You can take a long jump off a short deck.
I can, can I? I have
one thing to say, gutbucket.
Hey, Gauls.
Button your lip or I'll button it for you.
Asterix, Obelix, help!
Don't forget to say ciao to your druid, Gauls.
- It's Panoramix.
- Dogmatix. Daddy's little pet.
Hand over our druid or you'll regret it.
If you touch one hair
on my little dog's head-
Don't make me laugh.
Come and get him.
We'll do just that.
Obelix, get out the oars.
- Aye, aye.
- No!
Belinus, give me strength.
What's wrong with you now?
You did say-
Yes, I did... What are we gonna do now?
We're up doo-doo creek with no paddle.
Is this the Captain Asterix who's
always getting me out of trouble?
It's lucky I'm here.
Hey, now, don't overdo it.
Hang on, Romans, we're coming!
Now we're really motoring.
More to the right. The right.
- Which?
- The hand you punch Romans with.
I punch Romans with both hands.
- They're gaining on us.
- Fear not, that will be taken care of.
My dear sportsmen. It's time for a race.
Will Oxfordia, sporting the dark blue bruises...
...hold sway over Cambridgensia,
with the light blue contusions?
Shall we see?
Hooray.
On your mark. Get set.
We'd like to wish you gentlemen
the very best of luck.
That's very civil of you.
Should we win, we'll naturally
give you a rematch.
- Capital. Spoken like a gentleman.
- No more than you, sir.
Go!
For he's a jolly good pirate
For he's a jolly good pirate
For he's a jolly good pirate
And so say all of us
Happy birthday, captain.
Where was I? Ho-ho.
All the guys pitched in
and bought you little something.
We thought you could use this
if we happen to bump into some Gauls.
That's very sweet,
but I won't be needing it.
If I come across them Gauls again,
I'll wring their necks.
They'll be dead ducks.
And now let's have a party.
You're all invited.
I love parties.
Is there red and green jelly?
Gauls. Gauls!
Gauls on the starboard now!
Please, not today...
For he's a jolly good pirate
For he's a jolly good pirate
For he's a jolly good pirate
All right, that's enough.
And so say all of us
Faster, Obelix, faster.
No problem. I'm going into overdrive...now.
Oh, looks like we're in for a storm.
- I'm taking on water.
- That's torn it.
- If I can just....
- I'm slipping...
Hurry up, climb aboard!
All right, keep your hat on.
Do you think it will get any worse?
The wind looks fresh and strong,
increasing southwest-
Hang on! We're being carried away!
Look at that wave. Heave to!
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no! By Beli-
That's the last we'll see of them.
The fish will soon be dining on your friends.
Until Panoramix gets back,
we're sitting ducks.
We've never faced the Romans
without them. What if they attack?
We can't hold out without Asterix and Obelix.
We've still got a little bit of potion
but it won't last forever.
By Belinus, the gods are against us.
Don't be afraid, Auntie Bonnemine.
I'll protect you from the Romans.
- You're a good boy.
- Spoken like a true Gaul.
- That's the spirit.
- We're not beaten yet!
Where are we?
It's obvious. North of....
Well, no, perhaps south....
We're not far behind Panoramix, okay?
And what about Dogmatix?
To think that I may never get a kiss
from his little wet nose again.
Look, druid, we're approaching
the end of the world...
...the end of you and
the end of a perfect day.
Dogmatix. Get him, boy.
Ouch. You sniveling cur.
You little barbarian.
Here, take a good look at this, druid.
A small foretaste of your own fate.
Let him go!
You'll regret this, Roman.
My only regret is
that I didn't think of...
...feeding this mutt to the sharks earlier.
It's your turn soon, druid.
Dogmatix. No!
Dog overboard! Full speed ahead.
What's that? Dogfish?
No, by Teutates, it's Dogmatix.
- Yeah, Dogmatix!
- Here, boy, here. Dogmatix.
Oh, my little pet.
I never thought I'd see
Daddy's little puppy again.
Look, the dolphin. He's trying
to tell us something. After him.
- What did he say?
- I don't speak dolphin.
No? Really? You surprise me.
Let's go through this
one more time before Caesar gets here.
You see in front of you the latest
development in long-range warfare.
The man-eating lion launcher.
For those of you
with spaghetti for brains...
...I'll do this one more time.
On the order that I shall give
and not before...
...first the safety strap
will be removed. Like so.
And remember, never, not nohow...
...I repeat, never, in no way,
you turn your back on a loaded lion.
That is, if you don't want
to end up as antipasto.
And remember, keep your little paws
off this rope here.
When I give the order,
it will be severed.
Like so.
We're fit, we're brave, we're strong.
We speak Latin all day long.
Fighting Gauls is what we do.
We'll make them speak Latin too.
There goes the sun...
...slipping off the edge
of the world right now.
Stupidus, how's the water level?
Full fathom five.
We're at the shallow end.
Wonderful, we're here.
Any closer and we'd be banging
against the edge.
And now raise the catapult.
Okay, okay.
That's the boat, all right,
but why have they stopped?
What's going on?
Well, the good news is, you don't have
to be tied to the mast anymore.
The bad news is, I'm going to catapult
you off the edge of the world.
The gods will get you for this, Roman.
By Pluto, it's that boat with Gauls.
Jettison this geriatric
and let's get out of here.
- Don't forget to write.
- By Belinus, Obelix. Quick.
Panoramix, we're coming.
Slowdown. We're going to hit the edge.
Stop, stop!
Nothing beats the sight of
your enemies going down in the west.
And all thanks to my brilliant mind.
Oh, well. Better get back to Gaul.
Obelix, wake up.
Where am I? Dogmatix, are we dead?
I don't think so.
Come on. Let's see what's
on the top of those cliffs.
- Don't go up there. It's dangerous.
- I'll just take a peek.
It's the edge of the world.
You'll fall.
By Belinus and Teutates.
Take a look at this, Obelix.
No, we'll both fall
and then Dogmatix will be an orphan.
Panoramix must have landed
somewhere out there.
- I'm tired. Let's call it a day.
- Okay.
- I'm starving.
- Me too.
Right. You light the fire.
I'll rustle us up a few boar.
Come on, Dogmatix. Walkies.
Dogmatix. Dogmatix, heel.
What's wrong? Oh, come to Daddy.
Who frightened diddums, then?
Oh, my. What the heck is that?
-It's an oven-ready gobble-gobble.
-It's incredible.
But it's edible. Light a fire, quick.
Look what I got, Asterix.
Aren't they beautiful?
Don't go counting your chickens.
We haven't tasted them yet.
Who'd have thought it? Tastes nice.
ASTERIX:
Yeah, very nice.
Though I wonder if
it would taste better stuffed.
- Stuffed with boar, for example.
- I wonder where Panoramix is.
I hope he's all right.
Hope he's found somewhere to sleep.
We'll definitely find him...
...in the morning.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Back home, the Gauls prepared
for the inevitable Roman attack.
They built reinforcements.
Then they built reinforcements
on the reinforcements.
For when you were up against the Romans,
you couldn't be too reinforced.
Oh, well. Time to get up.
Wakey wakey, Obelix.
Lazy bones, move yourself.
We've gotta find Panoramix.
Get up. Time for breakfast.
Breakfast? Did someone say breakfast? Yum-yum.
Am I hungry. I could eat 10 boars.
What are we having?
Gobble-gobbles, what else?
Someone has to catch them first.
Oh, like me, for instance.
Oh, all right then. Come on,
Dogmatix, walkies. Come on.
Obelix? Dogmatix?
Dogmatix, pay attention.
I'm gonna teach you a hunting trick.
You imitate the cry of the whatever
we're hunting. Now, listen.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
MAN:
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble,
Do you hear? It worked. Up there.
Now, hunting tip number two:
We sneak along on tiptoe...
...and then we shake our feathered
friend out of its nest. Tweet-tweet.
It's got feathers but it's not
a gobble-gobble. It's a red bird-man.
Maybe he knows something
about our druid.
I better show him to Asterix.
Hey, look. It's an oven-ready Roman
disguised as a gobble-gobble.
They're mad. Asterix?
Come on out, stop messing about.
What's this?
Asterix never takes his helmet off.
Not even to wash his hair.
- Someone must have knocked it off.
- Geronimo.
What?
Right, you. Where's Asterix?
Out with it.
Wonder what that means?
Maybe Asterix will know.
Search, Dogmatix, search for Asterix.
Hey, slow down.
That dog can sniff faster
than I can run.
Paws off.
- Well, I've had warmer welcomes.
- Panoramix. Are you okay?
I was lucky. Caesar thinks
I fell off the edge of the earth.
- But the earth isn't flat. It's round.
- Wow.
I landed on Laughing Boy's tepee over there.
But where are we?
I believe this is
the secret land of Indus.
- If so, these natives must be red....
- Indussans?
No, I think we'll find they
prefer to be called Native Americans.
Keep your nose
to the ground, Dogmatix.
Hello, what's that?
Dogmatix, the end is nigh.
The sky's falling on our heads.
By Teutates, it's a girl.
A Gaul always helps
a lady in distress.
Hang on, miss. Here comes help!
Any minute now!
I'll save you.
Phew.
It's a 40-buffalo pileup.
Just look at the size of them.
"Pom tittle" what?
She's talking funny.
Oh, I'm sorry. Do you speak Gallic?
- At-Tischoo.
- Bless you.
At-Tischoo.
Oh, you, At-Tischoo. Me, Obelix.
Watch where you throw that thing.
You could take somebody's eye out.
- The social niceties are over with.
- Obelix is our only hope.
He's going for a treble top, 180.
Obelix!
What's going on here? Is this
some kind of Indian rope trick?
Leave this to me.
I'll have a word with their leader.
Look, my little feathered friends.
Why have you tied up my mates?
Wait a minute. It's you again.
Unless you want another beating,
I'd shove off out of here.
What a fibber. That's not what
happened at all. He's out of his tree.
- He's got it. That's how it was.
- Obelix, watch out.
Right, who did that?
- Anyone else like to try it on?
- Obelix, behind you.
Hey.
What's going on now?
Obelix.
I don't know what they're saying,
but it doesn't sound good.
Hi there, big fella.
The Muckifoot Indians had a custom.
Whoever defeated their champion
got to leave still wearing his scalp.
Pretty good. I'll show you how we do it.
Only one Gaul ever became a
Muckifoot brother and that was Obelix.
Belinus, bless the day that Obelix
fell into the magic potion as a boy.
You can say that again.
- Give me five, chief.
- "Give me five"?
ALL:
Give me five.
Ave, Caesar.
The magic potion test group is back.
I take it the Gauls still
have some of the potion left?
They do.
Three of us held one of them down
for almost two seconds. Honestly.
That's pitiful. From now on, test
their fighting abilities twice a day.
Until you or their potion supply
gives out. Whichever happens first.
Yum, yum.
We must get back home as soon as possible.
I have everything we need for
the magic potion, including fish.
- I say we leave first thing tomorrow.
- Yeah, we've gotta get back.
This is good. Gobble-gobble?
No. Bow-wow.
Ugh.
What's going on?
Looks like the medicine man is
trying out some kind of mumbo jumbo.
You call that magic? This is kids' stuff.
ALL:
Yay.
- Wow. He made it rain.
- Yeah.
Bit of a localized shower though.
Hold on, this isn't magic.
Hey, it's not very nice.
Here, miss, take a sip of this.
Yeah, go ahead.
- I think it's working.
- Now, this should be interesting.
Let's have a party.
Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom
Are you gonna play a tune?
Have a party, be a smarty
Leave your cares behind the moon
Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom
Kind of makes you want to dance
We're not looking for no fighting
So let's give our peace a chance
Ah-ee-ooh
Ooh-li-yah
We are one people
And we, like you
We are one tribe
Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom
Braves are braves and we are too
Pretty squaws just like ours
Feel like home with me and you
Medical, radical
Shaking bones don't make you well
Sing along with our song
'Cause it's better than a spell
Ah-ee-ooh
Ooh-li-yah
We are one people
And we, like you
We are one tribe
Ah-ee-ooh
Ooh-li-yah
We are one people
Ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-li-yah
We are one tribe
These red Indians aren't
a bad lot, are they?
-Thank gods that medicine man left.
-Yeah, he was bad medicine.
Dogmatix.
Settle down. I think he comes in peace.
No, thank you.
We can't offend him.
What on earth is it?
I see what you do.
It tastes ghastly.
Good for you?
You suck the smoke in your mouth?
- Go on, Asterix.
- Let's hope this never catches on.
Hey, that looks like fun.
Let me have a go.
No, don't. Obelix.
- Hey, cut it out, everybody.
- It's dangerous stuff.
I feel...
...dreadful.
Oh, no, he drugged us.
I'm woozy.
It's a beauty, no?
The newly developed Patriotus Maketo.
You play with fire
but other people get burned.
Fire!
Fire!
Help! Help us! Asterix!
What happened?
Oh, my head.
It feels like someone drove a chariot
in one ear and out the other.
Where's Panoramix? Obelix, wake up.
Panoramix has vanished. Wake up.
What are you gabbling about?
Get up, Obelix.
Obelix, it's me, Asterix.
Oh, no. Poor Obelix.
He's gonna be a great help
finding Panoramix...
I won't hand over the secret
of my magic potion to you.
I'd rather be skinned alive first.
On second thought,
start with the bean herb.
No, that's spinach.
Yeah. That's right.
That should teach you a lesson.
The potion is undeniably
a taste sensation...
...but it's as magic as soup.
Get a grip, Obelix.
Pull yourself together.
Snap out of it.
Be careful, Obelix.
Oh, no. This way. This way, I said.
Careful. Remember, this direction.
Take it easy.
If we don't find Panoramix soon,
there won't be a tree left standing.
You're certainly barking mad.
Heel, boy. Good boy. Sit. Sit.
Oh, no!
I hope those boys turn up before
old horn-head finds out the truth.
By Teutates.
Ow!
I did give you a recipe. Unfortunately
it was a recipe for disaster.
Asterix! Obelix!
Stay on your leash until
you learn how to be a good dog.
Now you've got me at it.
No. It's not bath time!
Bad dog!
No! Stop! Halt! Enough!
Obelix, stop that!
Woof! Woof, woof, woof.
Obelix's trouble is that
he doesn't know his own strength.
Where am I? Wow.
This place must predate
interior decorating.
This place looks like a good place to hide.
Asterix!
Panoramix?
Obelix, Obelix! I'm coming, Panoramix!
- Over here, Asterix, hurry!
- Panoramix!
I'm nearly here!
Asterix, watch out.
Put your paws up.
You're in for a big surprise,
and not the kind you'll enjoy.
Asterix, drink before it's too late.
Watch out.
Paws off.
Now, that would make a nice rug.
So, Mr. Medicine Man, how would
you like to taste your own medicine?
For pity, kemosabe.
For pity. Mea culpa.
Look at that ugly duckling.
Let's hope he turns into a swan.
Then he can fly home.
Yes, it's high time we left.
Ooh.
Aha.
[WHISTLES]
What does she want?
Wow, an Indian takeaway.
If that doesn't save
Obelix's bacon, nothing will.
- Aren't ducks vegetarian?
- Not this one.
Of course. Now I remember.
The cure for amnesia is 30 pounds
of roast pork taken orally.
Yeah, that was good.
What's for afters?
♫ Somewhere inside is burning
♫ don't know why it's hurting
How do you say goodbye in Indian?
One hand on your heart,
the other in the air.
See?
♫ Say goodbye
♫ never forget
♫ Say goodbye
♫ believe in the day
♫ Say goodbye
♫ Our hearts gonna beat both together
♫'Cause we will find a way
♫ Say goodbye
♫ never forget
♫ Say goodbye
♫ believe in the day
♫ Say goodbye
Obelix, would you come on?
Our friends are waiting.
Bye.
Thank you for having us.
And thanks for the feather.
Goodbye.
♫ Say goodbye
♫ never forget
♫ Say goodbye
♫ believe in the day
♫ Say goodbye
♫ Our hearts gonna beat both together
♫ 'Cause we will find a way
♫ We will find a way
♫ We will find a way
♫ We will find a way
- Ship ahoy! We're saved!
- Save our skins!
- Stop!
- Take us with you!
Gauls!
Move over. Let's have a look.
Try and look like coconuts, men,
and don't move.
Whoa!
I feel awful.
That's natural for a transatlantic crossing.
- You're suffering from canoe-lag.
- Huh?
Obelix, put your foot down or the
Romans will be all over our village.
Look, a sea gull. Look.
Do you realize what this means?
-Yeah, cover your heads!
- No, we're approaching land.
- Gaul?
We've done it!
- Gaul, sweet Gaul.
- Look.
They've got a kettle on for us already.
That's not the kettle.
It's the village.
Quick. While there's still
something left to save.
Friends, friends, throw out
the menhirs and boars first.
For nothing.
What could have happened?
-By Teutates.
-We're too late.
Oh, no. Abraracourcix.
Ordralfabétix. Where are you?
Come out. Can't you hear me?
They're gone. We've lost them all.
We failed them when they needed us.
You mean-
Yeah, they've all gone
to that big village in the sky.
Look over there, Obelix. It's our bard.
By Belinus, cut him down fast.
- What happened to the others?
- Where are they?
Look what the Romans did when I tried
to sing for my captured comrades.
Captured? Then they're still alive?
They're being taken to the arena.
Without the potion, we know the score.
Yeah. Lions: 15. Gauls: nil.
What are we waiting for?
I can brew the potion,
but the rest is up to you.
Don't worry, Panoramix.
I'm in the mood for a Roman holiday.
I won't forget the part
you've played in my victory, Lucullus.
You'll be rewarded.
Not the lovely villa
on the shores of Lake Como?
No.
The Gallic village.
- What?!
- It's yours.
Beautifully appointed country home.
May lack a few basic necessities,
but plenty of rustic charm.
My Caesar is too kind.
Without your magic potion,
you are nothing.
Mm.
Cheers.
Wouldn't like to be them in the morning.
Hey, guys. Wanna join the party?
Thanks, but no, thanks.
Okay, suit yourselves.
We're the next watch. You're relieved.
I'll say I am. I'm dying to go.
Must be all this wine.
Ooh.
All clear, Obelix.
Rotten cowards, the lot of them.
Lazy, greedy.
Me? Greedy?
God preserve us. It can't be.
Impedimenta. Look who's here.
- What a sight for sore eyes.
- We're glad to see you.
Cheers.
Do you know the secret
of my success, Lucullus?
Bread and circuses?
Exactly. And Gauls.
Lots of Gauls being devoured...
...very, very messily by lions.
And the people love you for it, Caesar.
Yes...
...and yet it can lonely at the top.
What's that? Who dares to-?
By the gods.
Oh, no!
Gotcha.
Oh.
Here.
Huh?
- Halt. Who goes there?
- A barrel, you fool.
A barrel. Of course.
Where are your friends
when you need them?
How will I explain this in my new book
on the Gallic wars?
Got it. I advanced backwards
in a brilliant tactical maneuver.
And so the Gauls
returned home triumphant.
Asterix and Obelix were
the heroes of the hour.
They had feathers in their hair.
And they sang a strange tribal song.
- How did it go?
- I'll sing it for you, all right?
Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha
Ging gang goo
Ging gang goo
All right?
Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha
Ging gang goo
Ging gang goo
Hayla
Hayla shayla
Hayla shayla
Layla-loo
Hayla, hayla shayla
Hayla shayla
Layla-loo
Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha
Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha
Ging gang goo
Ging gang goo
Hayla....
So we say goodbye to
the splendor that was Rome...
...the might that was Gaul...
...and the song that was
"Ging Gang Goolie Goolie."
Hayla shayla
Hayla shayla
Layla-loo!
♫