Artists and Models (1955) - full transcript

♪ You can trace the mystery
of ancient history ♪

♪ through art ♪

♪ of artists and their models ♪

♪ you can comb through
the Rome coliseum ♪

♪ in the rear
of your nearest museum ♪

♪ there's the Mona Lisa,
the tower of pisa ♪

♪ a cowhand's daughter
out in Texas ♪

♪ and there's modern art
to see ♪

♪ that makes you wonder what
the heck it's meant to be ♪

♪ on the streets of montmartre ♪

♪ there's a frenchie
kind of art ♪



♪ that is strictly
for the tourists ♪

♪ from the sticks ♪

♪ and those wise
greenwich guys ♪

♪ really open up your eyes ♪

♪ painting portraits
of their pretty little chicks ♪

♪ so to each creator
and imitator ♪

♪ who daubs and dabbles
with the brushes ♪

♪ to the guys
that draw the bunnies ♪

♪ for the Sunday morning
funnies ♪

♪ and brighten up
the world today ♪

♪ and to every girl that poses ♪

♪ to every grandma Moses ♪

♪ we'd like to tip
the old beret ♪

♪ LA da Dee ♪



♪ da da Dee ♪

♪ mm mmm mm mmm ♪

♪ the art of artists
and their models ♪

♪ LA da Dee da da da... ♪

hey, Todd! Rick Todd!

Yes, sir, Mr. Kelly.

Mr. trim is here
for a demonstration.

You ready?

Right away, sir,

soon as Eugene turns on
the smoke machine.

Hey, eugie!

Get up. The boss
and trim are here.

Get up!

Wait. I'm on the third murder.

The bat lady's going to blow one

of the rat man's heads off.

If I end up reading want ads,

one of your heads will blow off.

Get going!

Ok, ok.

Oh, bat lady! My bat lady!

Rick!

Aah!

Rick!

Rick!

What's holding you up, Todd?

Starting right away, Mr. Kelly.

Get going. Kelly wants
to see it work.

Tell him to come in here!

Eugie!

Rick! Rick!

Ooh! Rick!

Eugie boy, you all right?

You need air.

[Coughs]

What's the matter, Kelly?

She having trouble
with her lungs?

I'll handle the smoke,
and you attach the tube.

Come on.

Ok...

Let her go.

Ok!

My bat lady!

She's not smoking,
she's spitting.

Hey, what's going on here?

Not a thing, officer.

We're just demonstrating
a new sign.

Mr. Kelly, watch it!

Uh, ohh...

Hey, Rick, I'm all set...

Rick?

Rick!

Ricky-Ricky!

Ricky-Ricky.

Yo, Rick!

What?

Oh. I'm all set
to make your dinner.

How would you like your beans?

Preferably out of the can.

No. I mean,
how would you like
your beans done?

Why don't you stuff them?

No. Broil them, medium rare,

a little mushroom sauce
over them.

Beans! Know why all we
got to eat is beans? Huh?

Every time I find a job,
you lose it.

Bat lady!

You and your crummy comic books,

that's all you ever think about!

Sometimes I think
about girls, too.

I think about girls.

That's about all...
Just think about them.

Can I afford to take them out?

No.

Because of you,
I'm going to be
an old maid.

Remember why
we left steubendale
for New York?

You promised to marry
Ophelia Jackson,

and her father found out...

That wasn't the only reason.

Oh, it was
that other girl...
mabeline Smithers.

Her brother thought...

We came to New York
so I could study art,

so I could become
a famous painter,

so I could be hung
in art galleries, museums.

You almost got hung
in steubendale.

Forget steubendale.

Try and remember
why you came
to New York.

Uh...

I, uh...

Why did I come to New York?

Hmm-hmm-hmm...

No... wait a minute.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

You were going to be a writer

and write children's books

about Freddie the field mouse,

goosey the goose, right?

What have you done?

Nothing, except
read comic books.

You also lose our jobs
on account of comic books.

You keep me awake
with your bad dreams

on account of comic books.

Know what I've
decided to do, pal?

Be pals with me?

Yeah, we'll be pallies.

I'll write you at least
once every month.

And I'll answer you.

Good. Now go get supper.

[Clatter]

Write to me?

Look, junior,
a divorce is
the only way out.

We've been together too long.

Ever since we were tenderfeet

in the kangaroo patrol.

You can have
the whole apartment.

Full custody
of the beans
and the bat lady.

Ok?

[Humming]

♪ Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm ♪

♪ hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm ♪

♪ hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm ♪

hmm.

♪ Hmmm hmm hmm ♪

[gulp]

Thank you.

[Pop]

[Makes pouring sounds]

I hope the bubbles
didn't tickle your nosy.

No, just my nosetril.

Your nosetril?

Yes, just a little tickle.

Think you have enough
if I want a little slug?

Sure, Rick.
I have everything
when I'm pretending.

See, I'm just making believe

that we're both
very rich, wealthy
millionaires...

With money...

And you're a very,
very famous artist,

and I'm a very
famous writer, see,

and I'm just making believe

that we're not even
eating beans,

just a big juicy steak.

Would you like a piece?

No, no. I'm up to here.

I think I had
too much vichyssoise.

That's the idea.
You have to pretend,

'cause when you pretend,
your dreams come true.

It's just like wishing.

Watch.

Damp.

Oh, ho ho, damp.

[Piano note sounds]

♪

Do that once more.

♪

[thud] Ooh!

You see, you're not
concentrating, Rick.

You must pretend
and concentrate.

[Notes sound]

♪ Although you're stuck
with beans ♪

♪ there's money in your jeans ♪

♪ when you ♪

♪ pretend ♪

[knock knock knock knock]

♪ The wolf that's at your door ♪

♪ is not there anymore ♪

♪ when you ♪

♪ pretend ♪

♪ there's nothing ♪

♪ you can't be ♪

♪ just wish ♪

♪ and see ♪

♪ the world's your cup of tea ♪

♪ some dish ♪

♪ says me ♪

♪ the happiness you find ♪

♪ is all a state of mind ♪

♪ that's true, my friend ♪

♪ and life is filled
with happy endings ♪

♪ when you ♪

♪ pretend ♪

you sold me, junior.

Tomorrow I'm going to pretend

I don't have to tour
the employment agencies.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'll wish we get
a big juicy steak

so you'll have the strength.

♪ Although you're stuck
with beans ♪

♪ there's money in your jeans ♪

♪ when you ♪

♪ pretend ♪

♪ the wolf that's at your door ♪

♪ is not there anymore ♪

♪ when you ♪

♪ pretend ♪

♪ there's nothing ♪

♪ you can't be ♪

♪ just wish ♪

♪ and see ♪

♪ the world's your cup of tea ♪

♪ some dish ♪

♪ says me ♪

[reflection sings harmony]

♪ The happiness you find ♪

♪ is all a state of mind ♪

♪ that's true ♪

♪ my friend ♪

♪ and life is filled
with happy endings ♪

♪ when you ♪

♪ pretend ♪

eeew!

You are a riot.

You're a real riot!

You expect me to eat that slop?

[Dishes clatter]

Don't eat. You're
fat enough anyway.

Har har! Know
what I'm going to do?

Do you know what
I'm going to do?

I'm going to take
that lousy steak

and throw it out the window!

Ho ho ho!

Oh, good steak.

Oh, Rick, come on out!

We got steak for supper!

Why don't you lay off
of that stuff?

Don't you want a piece of steak?

For the last time, no!

Pretend you're eating it
all by yourself.

Ok, if you say so.

I say so.

[Sniff sniff]

Impossible.

Impossible!

♪ The happiness you find ♪

♪ is all a state of mind ♪

♪ that's true, my friend ♪

♪ and life if filled
with happy endings ♪

♪ when you ♪

♪ pretend ♪

pardon me.

Waah!

Out of the wild blue
yellow yonder,

with tail full
of jet propulsion,

comes Vincent,
Vincent the vulture.

Vincent the vulture...

Defender of truth and liberty

and member of
the audubon society.

He is half boy,
half man, half bird,

with feathers growing
out of every pore.

He is flying

to his interplanetary
space station,

trying to escape zuba,
zuba the magnificent.

But Vincent is very aware

that behind those
inviting red lips,

behind those purple
boudoir eyes,

and behind
that cleaving cleavage

lies a diabolical soul.

Zuba is trying to
get away from Vincent.

His secret power formula...

X34 minus 5r1 plus 6-x36.

Waah!

Vincent is hit. He is hit.

Zuba fires her death-dealing,

atomic atomizing pivot gun.

[Makes shooting noises]

Boom! Shaboom!

The Gore is oozing out
of his tail.

Will Vincent the vulture
ever live to fly back

to his homogenized space station

high above the milky way?

Whoom!

Shoom!

Voovah!

Waah!

And out in space,
Vincent pulls her close,

but zuba fights against
the embrace

of Vincent the vulture.

She's allergic to his feathers.

Her teeth snarl, gleaming white.

He tears her clothes

and exposes her two
big round shoulders.

Vincent closes in on her.

Waah!

Waah!

Eugene.

[Knock knock]

Eugene!

Get me a lawyer.

[Knock knock]

Oh.

Coming!

You'd better.

[Knock knock]

Oh!

Oh, it's you, Mrs. milldoon.

It ain't Gina lollobrigida.

Listen, Eugene,

you've been
flapping your gums
in your sleep again,

and my new tenant
in 4a is complaining.

I'm awfully sorry,
Mrs. milldoon.

I'll apologize to him.

He is a her.

She's a successful artist,

and you stay away from 4a.

I don't want her thinking
she's moved into skid row.

Hmm.

You mean,
she's an artist
who makes money?

Paid her rent in advance.

Remember... any more noise,

and you'll be using
the curb for a pillow.

Oh, all right, Mrs. milldoon,

I'll watch it.

From now on,

I'll sleep
with band-aids
over my mouth.

Band-aids... On my mouth.

Successful artist.

Hmm.

Maybe if she saw some
of Rick's paintings...

[Knock on door]

There's someone
at the door, Abby.

Huh?

There's someone at the door.

What goes on at this place?

First the banshee downstairs,

and now something else.

How'd you talk me
into moving here?

Because it's
greenwich village,
and it's romantic.

Besides, my horoscope said

this is where I'd
meet my true love.

Hold it. Finish this pose.

Grrr!

What'll I say now?

Uh, good evening.

My name is Eugene fullstack,

and I hear
you're a very
successful artist.

I thought
you could meet
my friend Rick Todd,

who I believe is one
of the better painters,

and if you would talk to him,

you might cheer him up.

He's getting
very discouraged
just hanging around.

So am I.

Good evening.
My name is
Eugene fullstack,

and I thought... whoa! Whoa!

Rick! Rick!

Whoa!

Rick! Rick! Rick!

Rick, I just saw
the bat lady upstairs!

Honest, I saw her
on the fourth floor.

Rick, I'm trying
to tell you something.

Aah!

Help! Help!

No, lady, don't yell.

It's a mistake.

Don't yell.

No, lady, please.

No yelling, lady.

I'm sorry, lady.

Help! Oh!

Help, police!

The bat lady... the fat lady!

Rick! Rick!

Rick! Rick!

Rick, I saw
the bat lady upstairs.

What?

I saw the bat lady.

Sure. She made
a three-point
landing on the roof.

Really, she's upstairs
on the fourth floor.

Will you go back to sleep?

The bat lady scared me,

and I ran into the fat lady.

Bat lady... fat lady...
Are you crazy?

No. This really happened.

Upstairs is the bat lady.

She scared me,

so I ran downstairs
to the fat lady.

She scared me worse.

Eugie.

The bat lady scared me.

The fat lady was downstairs.

I ran downstairs
to tell you about
the bat lady.

You're having one
of your bad dreams.

She's got things
sticking out of her head.

She's a crazy-looking person.

You got things
sticking
in your head.

Come on.

No, no! They're out there!

There's someone out there.

Open the door.
There's no one
out there.

I'm scared, Ricky.

I thought you loved
the bat lady.

But I'm scared of the fat lady.

There's no fat lady or bat lady.

Open the door
so we can go to bed.

Oh! I told you
she was out there.

The bat lady?

No, the fat lady.

There's no one out there.

[Splat]

She's out there.

The bat lady?

The fat lady.

Abby. Abby, look.

According to my chart,
it's happened.

Tonight my moon is full
and square to Jupiter,

uranus is square to sagittarius,

Mars is square to Venus...

I saw him for
the first time tonight.

He's the one, my true love.

Oh, bessie, no!

That square's your true love?

You tear up that horoscope.

The stars don't lie.

But isn't it awful
about our children?

Your children?

Shouldn't you be
introduced first?

Well, suppose
they look like him?

Rent them out for Halloween.

He's not very handsome.

But he is kind of cute.

You know, the safe kind.

The safe kind?
What's safe
in pants?

The not-so-handsome kind
make the best husbands.

Other women don't want them.

The man
another woman
doesn't want

doesn't exist.

Now, lights out, girl.

I've got an early
appointment
with my publisher

in the morning.

Suffering catfish!

You're supposed to be
an artist and a writer

of children's stories.

Well, you're not an artist,

and you're not a writer,

not by my wife's standards.

I knew I'd make the grade.

62 pages of drawings
and no blood?

Not even an itsy-bitsy
nosebleed?

What, suffering catfish,
do you call this,

a murdock book for kiddies

with no stranglings,

with no decapitations?

Where are they?

I must have lost my head

because this is where I get off.

Wait, Abigail, please sit down.

Let me explain something to you.

I'm a little bit
on the edgy-wedgy.

My wife's been
giving me the knife.

If sales don't pick up,

she'll give me the ax.

You wouldn't want
old murdie boy
out of a job,

would you? Hmm?

I'm not cupid, Mr. murdock.

If you can't
wear the pants
in your family...

The pants?

Eeee!

The pants!

Since Edith and I are separated,

it's a wonder I've got
my striped shorts.

Look at the competition

we're getting in television.

Abigail, night before last,

I counted 13 murders,
4 stabbings,

9 suffocations, and 6 poisonings

on two channels in one hour!

And another thing...

Just you think of this, girl.

When they're able
to show that red blood

gushing out of open wounds

in spectacular color...

Ohh!

And they'll get it free,

right into their living rooms,

free, right into
the living rooms,

sponsored by those...

Friendly used car dealers.

Sorry, Mr. murdock.

Get yourself another artist,

someone who can bleed
to suit your wife.

Let's talk this over.

Come on, please, Abigail,

don't leave me.

Miss, I'm Rick Todd,

and this is Eugene fullstack.

The landlady
said we'd find
Abigail Parker here.

She's busy now in surgery.

Good. We'll wait. Sit down.

If she doesn't
back up your statement,

we're back on the asphalt,

unless you can prove

you weren't trying to make time

with the fat lady.

Who's got that kind of time?

I'm still excited about
seeing the bat lady.

You like the bat lady?

Oh, yeah,

and I just found out
she's for real.

Oh, sure, she is.

She's a living doll.

Do you...

Do you know her?

Intimately.

In fact, she's even
more darling in person.

No fooling.

Boy, those lovely lips,

those red, inviting,
luscious lips,

like two strips of liver

gleaming in the moonlight.

What's wrong with your mouth?

Is it sore?

No. I thought I felt
a pucker coming on.

Oh.

And her eyes,
those magnificent eyes.

What's wrong with yours?
You got astigmatism?

No. I was just uncrossing them.

They really pay money

for this kind of drawing?

What's the matter
with Abigail's drawings?

Oh, bad, very bad.

Look, the legs,
they look like arms.

You should see
the bat lady's legs.

Oh, miss?

Yes?

Your seam's crooked.

[Intercom buzzes]

Thanks, heaps.

Yes, Mr. murdock?

Bessie, I need an artist.

Get me the names
of the best artists

that we have on file.

Yes, sir.
I'll bring you
the folder.

Did you hear what he said?

He needs an artist.

When bessie comes out, kiss her.

Who wants to kiss her?

You do. I got to
get into that folder.

I got a blister on my lip.

If you can pretend
beans are steaks,

you can pretend
she's the bat lady.

She might fight you,

but you're doing this for
your kangaroo patrol pal.

Pouches forever.

Ok, kiss, kiss.
Remember, kiss, kiss.

Will you watch
my switchboard, please?

I won't only watch
your switchboard,

I'll buzz your lights
and tangle your plugs.

Come here, baby.

Not with your friend watching.

Oh, he's gone.

Ah, what are we waiting for?

My sagittarius is rising.
Hang on, boy.

No, you're supposed to fight me.

Uh...

Easy, gal, he just
got some new bearings.

Here, you dropped this.

The stars were right.

My Jupiter is jumping.

I think we're
getting somewhere now.

I think my blister
is getting a blister.

It's smart business
to get in good
with the boss' secretary.

Go into business for yourself.

Put more men on the job.

Here she comes... kiss her again!

What do you think you're doing?

I'm awfully sorry, ma'am.

I thought you were someone else.

He told me to kiss you.

You told him!

I wouldn't have sent
a boy to do a man's job.

That's for the man.
The job's filled.

Look what you've done.

Oh, the bat lady.

Are you
miss Abigail Parker,
miss Parker?

Are you miss Parker,
miss Parker?

I'm Eugene fullstack.

You should lay off protein.

No, that's my name.

I'm sorry he kissed you,

and he's sorry
he kissed you, aren't you?

No, I liked that.

Stay here and see
if you can sell murdock

one of your stories.

Maybe one of us might get a job.

Hold it, miss Parker.

My partner said he
went to your door

and saw a real bat lady.

My model was posing.

Now, may I go?

What's the rush?

I never met a lady
cartoonist before.

All lady cartoonists
are extremely grateful.

I'm an artist myself.

Why don't we get together

and compare mad scientists, hmm?

Sure love the way
you draw the bat lady...

Lovely lines.

I like the way
your bone structure

is, um... Structured.

Dandy tibialis
gastrocnemiuses, also.

Going up?

Yes, down.

Try sideways, then
once around the park.

Parker will do better, dear.

She's going to do
substantially better.

That's what I said.

So don't fret your
ever-loving fretter.

I said yes!

The sales of the next issue

will show
a substantial increase.

Yes...

Throw in a couple of uh-huhs

once in a while, will you?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

[Giggles]

Great scot!

Wh-wh-what are you
supposed to be?

I'm supposed to be
Eugene fullstack.

No, I am Eugene fullstack.

Are you Mr. murdock?

Come on, speak up!

Speak, speak, speak!

What's on your mind?
Spit it out, boy!

Spit it out!

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

I write
little stories
for children...

Children's stories, see?

Oh, you're a write... a writer.

Oh!

You have that thin,
emaciated, anemic look...

Bloodless look...

Probably very much
in need of a publisher

for a great new comic book.

Why didn't you say so?

Wipe that helpless look
off your face.

Come up to me and say,

"Mr. murdock, I've
got a great new idea

"for a new comic book.

Are you interested?"

Come on.

Mr. murdock...

I've got a new...

Great idea... For a new...

Comic book!

Are you...

Interested?

Um... No. No.

Oh.

Wait, wait.

Maybe an idea
growing out of the brain

that probably
lies behind that face

may be what my wife's
separate maintenance needs.

Ahem.

Lad, what's the idea?
Give me the gist of it.

Give me the idea.

I write about
all my little friends...

Little goosey goose

and little Freddie field mouse

who live in a little corn field.

Now, these little
friends of mine...

Little goosey goose
and little Freddie
field mouse?

Uh-huh.

See that little window
back there, boy?

Yes, sir.

Open it a little...

Then jump.

All right.

No, no!

I'd like to see Mr. murdock.

Madam, at your service.

Then you are responsible
for my son Richard.

Oh, how do you do, Mrs. murdock?

Nice to know you.

I'm not Mrs. murdock.
I'm Mrs. John stilton.

Oh.

Ooh!

As publisher of the bat lady,

you are responsible
for my son's condition.

And as I'm chairman
of the second elementary
school district,

I'm going to
file a petition
against your comic book.

Before I do, however,

I think you ought to
have the pleasure

of my son Richard's company

while I go shopping

to observe for yourself

the effects your horror
literature has on
undeveloped minds!

But, madam, as a mother,

aren't you a little worried

about leaving your
undeveloped mind here?

Your mother is
the one to be worried.

Well, uh, Richard, uh...

Pleased to make
your acquaintance.

Pleased to offer you my hand.

Aah!

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

What happened?
What's the matter?

Bessie, what floor
is the nurse on?

The second, below
Dr. Stevens' office.

Thank you.

[Mumbles]

Who's that?

This is Richard stilton.

His mother left him here
for developing.

Don't get too close.
He may be poisonous.

Why, he's cute.

Well, Richard, what
can I do to entertain you?

Not a thing.

You're too old for me, mophead.

Is this a dagger?

No, it's a letter opener.

It's too sharp to play with.

Who wants to play with it?

W-w-w-w-wait!

Richard!

That's no way to behave.

The bat lady wouldn't like that.

Who cares about the bat lady?

She's too tame. She stinks.

No blood. I like blood.

[Door slams]

You touch me,

and I'll throw
this jug of acid
in your eyes.

I'll mobilize you!

Eugene! No!

I got it!

Look, niagara falls.

Why don't you two
go on a honeymoon?

I'll bring the barrel!

Ha ha ha!

Hurry outside!

Yeah.

Thank you for the escort.

It's been dandy
having somebody
breathe down my neck

for two hours.

It's a dandy neck.

I wouldn't mind
going on overtime.

Same old line, Ricky?

Shh. Man at work.

Look, you're
an unemployed artist,

and I'm an unemployed artist.

How about we get
together and rattle
our palettes around?

Watch out, girl,
he really rattles.

Aren't you late for something?

Looks like it.

A friend of yours?

She is now.

Look, I'm sorry
you're unemployed,

but it happens that I'm not.

I'm doing an advertising layout.

So if you'll excuse me,

I'll get my models
and get to work.

Models?

Yes, models.

You understand...
They're people who pose.

I need one male and one female.

You can't beat that combination.

How about me for the male?

I posed once.
Remember that poster,
"send this boy to camp?"

It was me.

Maybe you would do.

Have you ever posed with a girl?

Not while anyone was watching.

No, no, no. Hold her tighter.

Be passionate. You love her.

Take it easy.
My back's
killing me.

You heard the boss.
She said tighter.

Ugh!

I said tighter,

but I didn't say
fracture her rib case.

Come on, I'll show him.

Now, put your arms around me.

That's it. Now,
bend me back a little.

That's fine.
Now look into my eyes.

Come closer.

Now pretend you love
my cleave-to lipstick.

Pretend? You sound
like my roommate,

but you don't look like him.

That was uncalled for.

I could have sworn
I heard you call.

I believe you should
be sent back to camp.

That will be all today, Janet.

We'll...

Continue tomorrow
when I can get you

a professional model
to work with.

Ok, miss Parker.

Bye, now.

Bye.

Let's see, you worked two hours.

That should do it.

No. That one was on the house.

It's only a sample

to show what you
don't have to be missing.

Your humility intrigues me.

Miss Parker, aren't you
breathing a little heavy

for just a kiss?

You're not
in condition, are you?

What's the matter,

all work and no playing around?

Mr. Todd, I'm breathing heavily

because I happen
to be a perfectly
normal young woman.

My heart beats, my pulse pounds,

my blood count is high.

I have all
the biological impulses
that anybody else has.

I'm no different than you.

I wouldn't say that.

I liked being kissed.
I love it...

Under the mistletoe,
in the dark,

early in the morning,

lunchtime, teatime,
cocktail time,

anytime,

but I don't want
to be kissed by you.

Hold it.

Give me a chance...

At least with
the cocktails
and mistletoe bit.

I might grow on you.

See, I even fell for you.

♪ I never thought ♪

♪ I'd ever be caught ♪

♪ using an old cliche ♪

♪ I'm on a spot ♪

♪ believe it or not ♪

♪ this is all
I can think of to say ♪

♪ you look so familiar ♪

♪ have we ever ♪

♪ met before ♪

♪ everything about you ♪

♪ seems to ring ♪

♪ a bell ♪

♪ you look so familiar ♪

♪ have we been
this close before ♪

♪ if my heart could talk ♪

♪ you'd hear it sing ♪

♪ as well ♪

♪ there must be ♪

♪ an explanation ♪

♪ what I feel is not ♪

♪ imagination ♪

♪ you look so familiar ♪

♪ now it all
comes back it seems ♪

♪ I remember you
were in my dreams ♪

scout's honor, your honor.

♪ I remember you ♪

♪ were in my dreams ♪

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Is Mr. Rick Todd in yet?

Just a minute.

Rick Todd!

Telephone!

Ask him to meet me
at the stork club
in half an hour.

Yes, Mr. murdock.

Rick Todd!

Telephone!

Telephone? Ok, just a minute!

♪ LA da de da da ♪

♪ LA da de ♪

♪ da de ♪

♪ you look so... you look ♪

oh, Rick... oh, Rick,
there's a telephone call.

Who is it?

Who is it?

Oh, I don't know.

Well, go find out.

All right.

Now!

Now, check, check, ok.

[Whistling]

Hello.

Mr. Todd?

Yeah. Who's calling?

The murdock publishing company.

Oh, ok, just a minute.

[Whistling]

Hey, Rick, Rick.
It's the murdock
publishing company.

With your sugar lips
and my brains,
we'll go places.

What did they want?

Oh, I didn't ask.

Well, go and ask!

Oh, check, check, ok.

Hello. What do you want?

Mr. murdock would like to know

if Mr. Todd can see him.

Just a minute. I'll find out.

Well, well?

Can you see Mr. murdock?

Can I see him? Of course I can.

Where? When? Where?

I don't know.

Well, go find out!

Check, check, check.

[Panting]

Hello...

Wh-wh-when? Where?

When? Where?

Mr. murdock would like to know

if Mr. Todd could
have lunch with him

at the stork club
in half an hour.

He'll...

He'll be there.

[Wheezing]

All right. What did they say?

What did they say?

Speak up, buttbrain!
What did they say?

Speak up!

I can't hear you. Tell me.

Give me a signal... something.

What did they say?

Eugie, what did they say?

Give me a signal... something.

Good.

Oh, a duck?

A duck. A duck, right?

A duck... A duck.

Sounds like...
Sounds like murder.

Murder... Sherlock? Murder?

Murder.

A murduck.

Murdock! Oh, murdock.

Oh, yeah, murdock.
That was him
on the phone.

What's he want? What's he want?

He wants...

A cow?

Murdock wants a cow?

What's he want a cow for?

He wants to eat a cow?

He wants to eat me, right?

What?

What does he want?

What?

Oh, he wants some meat.

Meat?

What are you doing in the tub?

Meet? He wants to meet...

Oh, murdock wants to meet me.

Yeah. Where, where?

All right, don't get...

Where does he want to meet me?

Out there? He's out there now?

Where?

He wants to meet me and fly?

Where?

Oh, you're a stork! That's it!

Mr. murdock wants to meet me

at the stork club, right?

Hey, thanks for
squaring Eugene and me
with the landlady.

You're welcome.

She explained about Eugene

and his wild comic-book dreams.

You're to blame,
all that bat lady stuff.

That's all over now.

You know, I think
I could help Eugene.

Is he free to go
to a meeting tonight

about comic books?

Go up and ask him.

He's taking a bath,
but walk right in.

He's got his clothes on.

You know,
you still look familiar.

And you still act familiar.

Ooh, I'll see you later.

Ah, there, Todd?

Yes, sir.

Sit down.
I've already
ordered for you.

Thank you, Mr. furdock...
Murdock.

This is, uh,
this is my daughter.

Now let's get right down
to business, lad.

What... what are your ideas?

Ideas?

Yes.

You mean stories?

You want someone to write them?

I need crime, I need passion,

and even romance,

providing it's between

your repulsive characters.

You want something gory...

Like, uh, like the vulture.

Vulture, vulture. Sounds fresh.

I don't think
there's any character

like that in comic books.

You mean, you've never
heard of the vulture?

Well, how could I?
You just told me.

When did you dream this up?

I didn't dream this up.

I didn't know he
dreamed original dreams.

Stop babbling, boy.
Who dreams? What dreams?

Tell me about the vulture,

and give me that Gore
pouring out.

Oozing out, Mr. murdock!

Oozing out of his tail!

Eeee!

Don't pay any attention to them.

Oozing out of whose tail?

Vincent... Vincent the vulture.

Oh, Vincent the vulture. I see.

What happens next? Tell me.

I can't tell you now.

Well, why not?

I got to go home
and have him sleep on it...

I got to go home
and sleep on it.

Eugene, you dream boy, you.

[Applause]

The better America forum
is on the air!

You nervous, Eugene?

No.

No, just my knees are nervous.

They've never been
on television before.

Tonight,
the better America forum

brings to your attention
the monumental problem

confronting
your children today...

The ever-growing
threat and menace

of the cheap pulps
found on all newsstands

masquerading under
the titles of comic books.

Now, to aid us
in our discussion,

we have enlisted the aid

of Professor Samuel d. Roberts,

child psychologist
Mrs. Newton geudel,

miss Abigail Parker.

Miss Parker, artist and writer,

was until recently
herself a contributor

to comic books.

She knows the pressures

brought by
unscrupulous publishers.

We're fortunate also in
having miss Parker's guest...

Mr. Eugene fullstack.

[Applause]

Mr. fullstack, I understand,

has been reading
comic books for 15 years.

He's come at
miss Parker's request

to give his firsthand knowledge

of what can happen
to the human brain

on a steady diet of comic books.

♪ Boo-dle-oo ♪

♪ boo-dle-oo ♪

♪ boy, have I got news for you ♪

♪ I got a feeling,
hap-happy feeling ♪

♪ this is my lucky day ♪

♪ don't want to sing
the blues no more ♪

♪ not when I feel this way ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock it
'cause in my pocket ♪

♪ I got a load of green ♪

♪ I want to
spread the word around ♪

♪ so you'll know what I mean ♪

♪ boo-dle-oo ♪

♪ boo-dle-oo ♪

♪ boy, have I got news for you ♪

♪ I'm going to
march, march, march along ♪

♪ the Avenue ♪

♪ I'm gonna sing, sing,
sing my lucky song ♪

♪ I'm goin' to fly, fly, fly ♪

♪ like little birdies do ♪

♪ spread your wings ♪

♪ and come along ♪

♪ I'm going to live, live,
live it up along the way ♪

♪ so tell me ♪

♪ how can things go wrong ♪

♪ hey, brother, what a heyday ♪

♪ this has been
my lucky payday ♪

♪ and my lucky song ♪

♪ boo-dle-oo ♪

♪ boo-dle-oo ♪

♪ boy, have I got news for you ♪

♪ boo boo ba da wa ♪

♪ boo boo ba da wa ♪

♪ doo doo doo doo da wa ♪

♪ ba zu ba zu ba zu ♪

♪ scat a song ♪

♪ oo le oo le oo hoo ♪

♪ woo woo ♪

♪ ooh hip ba da wa ♪

♪ ooh hip ba da wa ♪

♪ choo choo ba de do ♪

♪ dow be be da ba ♪

♪ sing along,
da be da ooh le ooh ♪

♪ I'm going to
march, march, march ♪

♪ I'm going
to march,
march, march ♪

♪ along the Avenue ♪

♪ I'm gonna sing, sing, sing ♪

♪ my lucky song ♪

♪ I'm going to fly, fly, fly ♪

♪ like little birdies do ♪

♪ spread your wings ♪

♪ spread your wings ♪

♪ and come along ♪

♪ I'm goin' to
live, live, live it up ♪

♪ along the way ♪

♪ so tell me ♪

♪ how can things go wrong ♪

♪ hey, brother, what a heyday ♪

♪ this has been
my lucky payday ♪

♪ and my lucky song ♪

♪ wanna give ♪

♪ wanna give ♪

♪ wanna spread
this happy stuff around ♪

♪ wanna sing ♪

♪ wanna dance ♪

♪ wanna raise my feet
right off the ground ♪

♪ I'm goin' to
march, march, march ♪

♪ along the ♪

♪ Avenue ♪

♪ so tell me ♪

♪ how can things go wrong ♪

♪ hey, brother ♪

♪ what a heyday ♪

♪ this has been
my lucky payday ♪

♪ and my lucky song ♪

♪ my luck-luck lucky song ♪

[horn honks]

♪ My luck-luck lucky song ♪

♪ my luck-luck lucky song ♪

thank you. Good evening.

Hi, eugie.

I'm here to talk to the children

and parents of the children,

because if there
weren't parents,

there wouldn't be children,
and vice versa.

What I mean is,
parents are necessary

if you want children,

and children are necessary
if parents want them,

if you know what I mean.

Eugene! What are you
doing in there?

I'm here to tell you

how bad comic books are for you.

I never thought
they were
bad myself

until my friend Rick Todd

told me how bad they were.

Well, I was wrong.
Boy, was I wrong.

And how right he was.

I was wrong, you dope!

And I almost became a dope,

reading comic books.

I realized that is why

I am now a little retarded.

You see,

I was very slow in school.

Matter of fact, I was so slow,

I went to summer school

in the wintertime.

Uh, like the story

you told me about, Mr. Baker...

The 5-year-old
kid that
was caught

stuffing his grandmother

in the trunk
compartment
of the car.

An extreme example

of comic book influence.

And any 5-year-old kid

should know he's not old enough

to drive a car.

Have comic books
influenced you
to that extent?

Oh, I didn't
learn to drive
until I was 8.

Now, would you say

you've learned anything
from comic books?

Oh, yes, yeah! Mm-hmm.

Oh, boy, yes.

I learned,

particularly I learned

how to grow poison plants

in a window sill flowerpot,

uh, how to keep
the tarnish
off brass knuckles,

also, how to start a fire

by rubbing two
gasoline cans
together.

Whew! What a fire that makes.

Also, how to make
a hangman's knot.

And last but not least,

how to prepare rat poison

so that it spreads
like peanut butter.

I see.

And now you realize
this knowledge
is dangerous.

Oh, yes, it is very dangerous.

Oh, it's pretty danger...

Real dangerous, all right.

It gave me very bad dreams.

Bad?

They're worth a pile!

What exactly did you dream?

Well, that's the trouble.

That's it right there.

I never retained

anything I dreamt.

I never remembered anything,

except my friend Rick said

they were very bad dreams.

Oh, yes. They were awful.

I screamed and carried on.

My subconscious was battling

against my conscious,

and the basic
intelligence
of my mind

wouldn't
allow myself
to comprehend

the problems
that were
forethought

prior to sleeping,

and at the same time

not having any rest

because
of no sedation
whatsoever

to make my rest and dreams

any righter or smarter

than they were
when I was
much younger.

Rick, we're home!

Mrs. milldoon, you're much
stronger than I am.

We'll pay the rent, honest!

I'm illustrating
one of Eugene's stories.

I know it'll sell.

Sell, schmell.
Eugene, your
rent's paid.

You give this
to Mr. Todd
for me.

What are you...

Ooh!

What do you mean
our rent's paid?

Mr. Todd
gave it to me
in advance.

Hee hee hee!

Hee hee hee.

I think Rick took
that job with murdock.

And if he did,
we're not pals no more.

Rick!

Rick!

Rick? Rick?

Well, where you two been?

Where'd you
get the money
to pay the rent?

I've arrived, boy. I've arrived.

It's me and Rembrandt now.

We're neck-and-neck.

Look.

Oh, you sold a painting!

Oh, Rick, that's wonderful.

It was nothing.

Matter of fact,

I feel another
masterpiece
coming on right now.

Aw...

What is it, curly top?

I thought you got the money

for doing a comic book
for Mr. murdock.

That's from Mrs. milldoon,
and that's from me.

Thanks.

Jury still out on you?

Not guilty.

Hey! Cute characters.

Your boyfriend
has a story idea for
children's books.

I'm going to illustrate them.

My boyfriend.

He's up to his ears
with the bat lady.

You should have told him
it was you.

I wanted him to go for me,

not some costume you dreamed up.

You weren't
wearing a costume
when he kissed you.

You weren't
wearing a costume
when he kissed you.

But I told you,

he thought it
was you coming back.

You just be patient.

He'll stop those crazy dreams

and see you for your
own charming self.

Waah!

Waah!

Waah!

Our song.

Waah!

All right, you said that.
Ok, you said that.

[Mumbling]

Dream louder, louder.

Waah!

Vincent flaps his feeble wings

as he tries
to fly back
to his space station

before zuba gets to him.

She looks across the water

with her lavender eye

and then moves in for the kill.

Lavender eyes?
You said purple eyes.

One lavender,
one purple,
and one magenta.

Three eyes?

One in the back like
a rear-view mirror.

And she uses her beautiful body

like a pair of pontoons.

She sails across
the jungle swamp,

ready to sink her fangs

into Vincent's jungular veins

so she can get away
with his secret
power formula...

X34 minus 5r1 plus 6-x36.

[Muttering]

Oh, boy.

[Radio playing soft music]

Bessie?

Hmm?

What do you suppose
the stars would say
about Rick?

I've taken up numerology.

I'm off the stars.

They made me flip
my little dipper

and fall for a guy
who's in love with
a lady in black.

I'll tell him
you're the bat lady.

No. I don't want
to wear a mask
the rest of my life.

Some honeymoon
with a pair of
wings on my back.

How's the numerology
working out?

You know, numerology's
a science.

I take the numbers...

The day, month,
and year I was born,

I add to the day,
month, and year
Eugene was born.

I divide that with
my street address,

then add that
to my social
security number.

With that answer,
I divide Eugene's
social security number,

then multiply that
by the number of
dancing lessons I take.

The calories
I eat in one day
I subtract from that,

then multiply
by how tall I am,
and that's the answer.

It works out zero...
Eugene again.

That still doesn't
help me with Rick.

Could be you're in love
with Rick, maybe.

You don't
fall in love
with someone

you've only seen a few times.

I think I'd better
put some oil on you.

You're going to burn.

Mmm. You have strong hands.

Bessie?

Hmm?

I wonder...

If he really likes me.

I bet if he had the chance,

he couldn't keep
his hands off you.

[Turning up the volume]

I love this song.

Listen.

♪ If our lips should meet ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ kiss me, kiss me sweet ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ hold me close and say ♪

♪ you're mine ♪

♪ with a love as warm ♪

♪ as wine ♪

♪ I'm at heaven's door ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ want you more and more ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ you're a symphony ♪

♪ a very beautiful sonata ♪

♪ my innamorata ♪

♪ say that you're
my sweetheart ♪

♪ my ♪

♪ love ♪

bessie?

Yeah?

Who was that singer?
He sounds like Rick.

No. He's the fella
that had that
big hit record

on that's amore.

You remember, the one...

How can you be rubbing my back

from way over there?

Oh!

I don't sing
as good as he does,
but I'm trying.

Yes, he... Strong voice
and very strong hands.

Now, you're breathing
heavy again.

I should have brought
along my stethoscope.

Oh, you're a doctor, too.

I think I could
prescribe something.

Like a chiropractic
treatment, no doubt.

A little pink pill

that says you can
fall in love
with someone

you've only seen a few times.

♪ If our lips should meet ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ kiss me, kiss me sweet ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ hold me close and say ♪

♪ you're mine ♪

♪ with a love as warm ♪

♪ as wine ♪

♪ I'm at heaven's door ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ want you more and more ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ you're a symphony ♪

♪ a very... ♪

[singing loudly]
♪ if our lips
should meet ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ kiss me, kiss me sweet ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ hold me close and say ♪

♪ you're mine ♪

♪ with a love as warm ♪

♪ as wine ♪

[singing even louder]
♪ I'm at heaven's door ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ want you more and more ♪

♪ innamorata ♪

♪ you're a symphony ♪

♪ a very beautiful sonata ♪

♪ my innamorata ♪

♪ say that you're
my sweetheart ♪

♪ my love ♪

♪ hold me close
and say you're mine ♪

♪ with a love as warm ♪

♪ as wine ♪

♪ you're a symphony ♪

♪ a very beautiful sonata ♪

♪ my innamorata ♪

♪ say that you're
my sweetheart ♪

♪ my love ♪

♪ say that you're
my sweetheart ♪

♪ my ♪

♪ love ♪

there. Now, how's
that for Freddie?

Oh, he looks just like
I dreamed he would.

He's cute.

He looks like you, Eugene.

No, I'm not cute.

They wanted to have me
drowned when I was born,

but the s.P.C.A stopped them.

I know somebody else
that thinks you're cute.

Oh, you mean
your bat lady model?

I can't wait to meet her.

She'll be dancing
at the artists
and models ball.

You'll meet her then.

Oh, you mean she dances
too, like bessie?

Almost exactly like bessie.

Now, how about trying
that goosey goose pose
again?

Oh, ok.

Ok, Anita. Take five.

How's it going?

Oh, pretty good.

You've changed.

Now when I pose for you,

all you do is draw.

[Pounding on door]

Rick!

Rick! Rick!

Y-yes?

Come quick. Hurry!

Is that why you've changed?

Shh! You better change.
Get dressed.

Come back tomorrow
at the same time.

Eugene was posing for me.

I think it's his sacroiliac.

He can't straighten up.

Come on, quick!
He can't straighten up.

[Telephone rings]

Good afternoon.
Eureka massage parlor.

Our rub and steam
will make you dream.

Just a minute, I'll check.

Bring him right in here.

Yes, we can take you
this afternoon at 5:30.

We don't need your
assistance, son.

Run and have some alfalfa tea.

We'll have him
fixed up in no time.

Oh...

Think nothing of it.

Oh, easy.

Oh...

Hurt?

No.

[Cracking]

You're tougher than I thought.

What have you been eating?

[Cracking]

Oh...

Oh!

Oh!

[Cracking]

Aah!

All fixed up.

[Cracking]

Oh, easy.

Easy, please.

Oh... Aah.

Oh... Oh!

Aah!

Oh, oh, oh.

Ah, ah, ah.

Oh, oh, pain.

Oh, plenty of pain.

Aah!

Oh, I got to get new soles.

Oh, easy, easy.

Anyone for Taffy?

Oh, wait, no.

[Cracking]

Wait a second. Oh, lady.

Get this foot up...

Oh, my leg's falling off.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Wait, just hold
everything one
second, please.

Lady, one second. Rick, Rick!

Wait one second.
My friend will...

Rick!

We're in trouble a little here.

You're in trouble? I'll help.

Put your foot under hers.

Brace her foot up.

That's it, that's it.

Under her?

Lean back.

That way?

No, wait a second.

Come around this way.

Now brace your foot up over.

That's it.

That'll fix everything, huh?

That's not working
very good there.

Lady...

Lady, would you help here?

Just grab... see my foot
down there?

Hold it and pull it up.
That's it.

Get up on the table.

Come over...
Bring this foot around here.

That's good, hold it there.

Hold my foot. Maybe I'll
slip this one out...

No, hold it. Hold everything.

Rick, it's going to be
all right.

Wait, we'll get another lady.

Sure, we need another lady.

Give me this hand.
Hold on there.

Let go of that foot.
Is there another lady?

That's fine. You hold on to her.

Good, like that. Lady! One lady.

Could you get on
the edge of the...

It's going to be all right.

I know. I'm fine.

Miss, just bend down over here.

Give me your hand. Good.
Now hold on to him.

That's fine. Now bring
this leg over.

Bring that leg over...

No, bring this leg down here.

That's fine. That's it.

Now, look.

Just get that leg
over in this side.

That's fine.
Now bring it around there.

Can you help her
with this leg there?

Maybe if she, uh...

Wait, I tell you what,

I'll see you
at the apartment later.

I don't think so.
I may have lunch here.

All right. See you later.
Oh, what a mess.

Wait a minute! Easy.

It's a dime.

That, gentlemen,
is the final test

of our new power formula.

We can safely predict

our nation will be the first

to break through the
earth's gravitational pull

and establish a space station.

Colonel drury here
has been in charge

of developing
our secret power formula.

It's not a secret
any longer,
general traynor.

"X34 minus 5r1"?

Well, that's half
of our formula!

My son bought that
at the corner newsstand

last night.

You can't buy a top-secret

at a corner newsstand.

The murdock publishing
company in New York

disagrees with you, general.

Get me the secret service

on the phone immediately.

Yes, general,

I have the comic book before me.

I'll put my best men
on the assignment.

This may be a clever way

of conveying
our secrets
to the enemy.

Find out if they have

the remainder
of our space
station formula.

[Whirring]

Of course,

the United States
wouldn't publish
top secrets

in a comic book,

but the formula works
to a point.

It's a trap.
We cannot
take a chance.

If this cartoonist
has the mathematic
equations

to take a space station

beyond the earth's atmosphere,

we must take the chance.

All right.

I leave it
to an expert in
these matters.

My dear Sonia,

where a man is concerned,

you have never failed.

This time,

you have to work fast.

Get to him quickly, directly.

Become his friend,

his, uh, closest companion.

Yes, gentlemen.

I am always
their closest companion.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm looking for a man.

They never let me
dress with the girls.

His name is Todd.

Oh, he isn't here.
He's my roommate.

I'm Eugene stackfull...
I mean fullstack.

Oh...

Oh, here you are.

Thank you.

Will he be long?

I don't know.

Is there anything I can do?

I doubt it.

I'll wait.

I'd like to stay
and check
my thermometer,

but I have
to go see a man
about a costume.

We're a smash, Todd!

The presses are
working overtime!

We're selling on
the black market
in Boston!

I told you that zuba
was all girl!

Look at her!

By the way, you've
met my, uh, cousin,
haven't you?

When you meet her,
you meet your
whole family.

Look! The vulture
brass knuckles!

Guaranteed no rust!

And look at this, Rick.

Right according to
your specifications,

just the way you drew it.

The death-dealing

disintegrator
atom gun.
Watch this.

Mmm!

Real nice, very nice.

A couple more issues,
we'll make them
forget Hitler.

Now, wait, don't get
squeamish, Todd.

Why don't you,
your daughter,
and your niece

tell your wife off?

I'm through, Mr. murdock.

I got to go, go, go.

Say goodbye to your... Uncle.

But you...

What's going on down there?

[Jimmy stewart]
Well, it seems like
Todd told murdock off,

and he's leaving.

Of course, I can't
see so well from
this rear window.

Todd.

Yeah?

Secret service?

I've been telling you.

Eugene dreams the space formula.

He doesn't know what
he's saying in his sleep.

We've got to know
if the formula's

tucked away in his subconscious.

Check on fullstack's dreams.

Take the tape recorder.

If they go,

then I got to tell Eugene
I'm doing the vulture.

We'll be through as pals.

Can't they come after
when he's asleep?

All right, but
I'm holding you
responsible.

Don't let fullstack
out of your sight.

We don't want him
dreaming for our enemies.

I'll stick with him, sir.

I appreciate
your cooperation, Todd.

The president
might invite you
to the white house.

I doubt that.

Why?

I shoot in the low 70s.

Nothing.

He must keep the rest
of the formula

in his head.

Get him to
the laboratory
tonight.

Don't worry.

Hello.

Hello.

Mr. Todd?

If I'm in
the right apartment,
I'm Mr. Todd.

I am Mrs. Thomas Curtis.

Your roommate let me in.
He left.

That's the smartest thing
he's ever done.

I've heard what
a fine artist you are,

and I came to see
your paintings.

It's beautiful.

Lovely.

I like them very much.

That makes two of us.

You see, I would like
to have my portrait painted,

and after seeing your work,

I am sure you could do me
very well.

Thank you. I'll do my best.

What size portrait
would you want...
full-length or bust?

I had full-length in mind.

I'll show you what I mean.

I would like
to give it
to my third husband

as a surprise present.

My congratulations
to all three of them.

What do you think
of this pose,
Mr. Todd?

You could do a big
calendar business.

If you don't approve,
what do you suggest?

I'm not knocking it.

I think
if you had this arm
up a little there.

That's it.

And, um...

Head down.

Yes, yes. I like this
much better.

You see, I want
something intimate.

Something I can hang
over the bar.

With you hanging there,

they won't need any liquor.

Could you start
working on me
right now?

Don't you think
it's a little late
for that?

We could go to my house.

My husband is away,

and we wouldn't be disturbed.

We would be quite alone.

Just the two of us.

Hey, Rick!

Who'll put the ice on my neck?

[Knock knock]

Hey, Rick!

If I have a neck left.

Just a minute, honey.

Slight intermission,
Mrs. Curtis.

Well.

Oh, hello, darling.

Hi.

Where's Eugene?

Eugene?

I thought I heard you talking.

Eugene. Oh, well,
he's taking off
his clothes,

and he's taking a shower.

Oh, well, ask him what
he's wearing tonight.

Tell him the bat lady
wants to know

so she'll recognize him.

Ok. I'll ask him.

[Shower starts]

Hello, Abigail.

Eugene! You're taking a bath.

Yeah, 'cause
I'm going to wear
my new costume.

It's the first time
I had my own head.

No, you're taking a bath now.

All right, Abigail,
but don't rush me.

Eugene, Abby wants to know
what you're wearing tonight.

I'm going to wear my...

Who's he talking to?

Yes, who was he talking to?

All right. I'll tell her.

What did he say?

He's wearing his Freddie
field mouse costume.

Why don't I talk to Eugene?

He's taking a shower.
You'll get...

You'll get all wet.

He's taking a shower.

You'll get all wet.

Got dry in a hurry, didn't you?

There's no one there.
Just my mother.

It's a surprise.
She's from steubendale.

Oh, mother.

Mother?

I can explain this, Abby.

Not to me, you can't.

Watch out for the bit
with the suntan oil, mother.

Mother?

Entertain Mrs. Curtis
while I talk with Abigail.

Entertain her?

Wow!

Here we are.

Sit right there.

Not that... not that way.

Do your boy scout bird calls.

What bird call

are you particularly
interested in,
Mrs. Curtis?

Do you know the Hungarian kiwi?

The Hungarian kiwi?

You mean the Hungarian peewee.

In Hungary we don't
have peewees.

We only have kiwis.

In Hungary you don't
have peewees.

You only have kiwis.

You don't know
the Hungarian kiwi?

No, I don't know
the Hungarian kiwi.

The Hungarian peewee, I know.

Good.

Good.

To tell you the truth,

I mostly know
the steubendale bird...

Like, uh, the pizza bird
that goes...

[Whistles]

Goomba.

She's got to be
a phony, Mr. Samuels.

Right away she turns
on her heater

and goes overboard
trying to get me
to her place.

I played along
until I could call you.

Very smart, Todd.

If she didn't show
any interest in Eugene,

she doesn't know
he has the formula.

Now, keep playing along.

There may be others with her.

Here's what you do.

Tonight after the artists
and models ball...

What if Mrs. Curtis
doesn't want to go
to the ball?

What?

I can't do that, Mr. Samuels.

I'm in love with another girl.

It's my duty
to the United States
of America?

Are you sure?

If I'd known that,

I'd have joined
the FBI instead of
the kangaroo patrol.

Ok.

Oh, boy.

Aah!

You bucking
for a nosebleed
or something?

I can't keep
this dickey down,
Ricky.

Anybody tell you
dickeys went out
with horse cars?

If you're going to rent,

rent a modern dress shirt,

something like about 1922.

There. That does it.

Thank you very...

Thank you very much.

I got to look nice,

'cause I'm meeting
the bat lady
tonight.

If she's wearing a bustle,

you'll make
a dandy-looking pair.

Yeah.

There.

Oh, what am I going to do, Rick?

Every time the bat lady
comes near me,

she'll get an uppercut.

I got an idea.

Button the dickey
on the top of the shorts.

Let me do it.

Wait a minute.

Here? This button, huh?

Yeah, that will
hold everything down.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Rick.

Good. Now, hurry up.

We're going to be late.

I'll be there
as soon as I put
my shoes on.

Wonder if I can walk at all.

Something's crooked.

I think something's been...

Wait, this way.

Over there. That's it.

Something's pulling me. Yeah.

I'll be right...
Right there, Rick.

Wait, bessie.

You were great.

It's just the numerology.

Hurry up, girls. Step on it.

Artists and models number.

Todd, fullstack, you're on.

We'll be pals forever?

Pals forever.

Scout's honor? Scout's honor.

Kangaroo patrol.
Kangaroo patrol.

Pouches forever.

Hippity-hop,
hippity-hop-kangaroo.

Hippity-hop,
hippity-hop-kangaroo.

Hippity-hop,
hippity-hop-kangaroo.

K-a-n-g-a-r-o-o... ooh!

You ready?

In a minute.

♪ All you very lovely ladies ♪

♪ in your very fancy frocks ♪

♪ and you fellas
with the palettes ♪

♪ in your most artistic smocks ♪

♪ use your thumb
to get perspective ♪

♪ of a world
that's drab and gray ♪

♪ add a lot of color ♪

♪ color ♪

♪ and frame it just that way ♪

♪ you can trace the mystery ♪

♪ of ancient history ♪

♪ through art of artists
and their models ♪

♪ models ♪

♪ you can comb through
the Rome coliseum ♪

♪ in the rear
of your nearest museum ♪

♪ museum ♪

♪ there's the Mona Lisa ♪

♪ the tower of pisa ♪

♪ a cowhand's daughter
out in Texas ♪

♪ Texas ♪

♪ and there's modern art
to see ♪

♪ that makes you wonder ♪

♪ what the heck
it's meant to be ♪

♪ on the streets of montmartre ♪

♪ there's a frenchie
kind of art ♪

♪ that is strictly
for the tourists ♪

♪ from the sticks ♪

♪ and those wise
greenwich guys ♪

♪ really open up your eyes ♪

♪ painting portraits of
their pretty little chicks ♪

♪ pretty little chicks ♪

♪ so to each creator ♪

♪ and imitator ♪

♪ who daubs and dabbles
with the brushes ♪

♪ to the guys
that draw the bunnies ♪

♪ for the Sunday
morning funnies ♪

♪ and brighten up
the world today ♪

♪ and to every girl that poses ♪

♪ and to every grandma Moses ♪

♪ we'd like to tip
the old beret ♪

♪ let me warn you, stranger ♪

♪ that red means danger ♪

♪ beware of any gal
that wears it ♪

grrr!

♪ I agree she may be
very gracious ♪

♪ but you'll find
that she's kinda
flirtatious ♪

♪ oh, I'd like to pilot ♪

♪ a gal in Violet ♪

♪ a shrinking Violet
is my pleasure ♪

♪ hear my heart
go whoop-de-doo ♪

♪ to any baby dressed
in periwinkle blue ♪

♪ if a girl's wearing lime ♪

♪ you can squeeze her
every time ♪

♪ for a lime is something
anyone can squeeze ♪

♪ any gal wearing green ♪

♪ makes a most
enchanting queen ♪

♪ she's the kind of queen ♪

♪ who always aims to please ♪

ooh!

♪ Oh, I'm really sold on ♪

♪ a gal with gold on ♪

♪ if I could find her,
what a treasure ♪

♪ to a gal
that's wearing yella ♪

♪ I'm a very mellow fella ♪

♪ this shade of blue
is just my kind ♪

♪ you will never
hear me knocking ♪

♪ any pink that's
really shocking ♪

♪ I think we're going
color-blind ♪

♪ you can trace the mystery ♪

♪ of ancient history ♪

♪ through art of artists
and their models ♪

♪ you can comb through
the Rome coliseum ♪

♪ in the rear
of your nearest museum ♪

♪ there's the Mona Lisa ♪

♪ the tower of pisa ♪

♪ the cowhand's daughter
out of Texas ♪

♪ and there's modern art
to see ♪

♪ that makes you wonder ♪

♪ what the heck
it's meant to be ♪

♪ on the streets of montmartre ♪

♪ there's a frenchie
kind of art ♪

♪ that is strictly
for the tourists ♪

♪ from the sticks ♪

♪ and those wise
greenwich guys ♪

♪ really open up your eyes ♪

♪ painting portraits ♪

♪ of their pretty
little chicks ♪

♪ so to each creator ♪

♪ and imitator ♪

♪ who daubs and dabbles
with the brushes ♪

♪ for the guys
who draw the bunnies ♪

♪ for the Sunday
morning funnies ♪

♪ and brighten up
the world today ♪

♪ so to each creator ♪

♪ and imitator ♪

♪ who daubs and dabbles
with the brushes ♪

♪ to the gals
who look so fetching ♪

♪ to the guys
who do the sketching ♪

♪ we'd like to give
a hip-hip-hooray ♪

♪ we'd like to tip
the old beret ♪

♪ to the artists
and the models ♪

♪ who brighten up the world ♪

♪ today ♪

I got to meet the bat lady.

Hurry up.

Here, take that off.

Get him down the back elevator.

Leave it to me.

Hey, you're stepping on my tail!

Ba-ba-ba... b-ba-ba-ba-ba...

Bat lady!

Come to me, darling.

Come.

There we go.

Hello, henrietta.

Eugene?

Hey, Eugene. What are you doing?

Well, if you ask me,

he's making time
down the elevator...

With a bat?

Oh, wonderful.
He went with bessie.

Bessie, what happened?

Where's that dame?

She stole my clothes.

They've gone.

I can't go out like this.

Put this on.

Did a bat and rat come out?

Just left in that foreign job.

Let's get going!

Bessie! Hey!

Coming.

[Horn honks]

[Honk]

[Meow]

[Meow]

Here we are, darling.

Oh, it's nice.

Yeah, but where are we?

Where we can be alone, darling.

Wow! What a place
to grow orchids.

Oh, darling, you look so tired.

Why don't we go upstairs
where you can take a nap?

Your voice sounds very familiar.

I think we met before.

Call the secret service.
Tell them where we are.

This sure is a cozy place
you have.

This is our little nest.

You could
breed locomotives
in this little nest.

Ha ha ha.

Are you all right?

Just get me a new liver.

We got to get over here.

Come, darling.
Let's go upstairs.

Come, come.

Come on.

Oh, boy!

Come on.

Come on.

There.

Here we are.

There.

Oh, you look so tired.

Let me help you with this.

You need some rest.

What are you keeping
that mask on for?

Mystery lends enchantment.

If I want mystery,
I watch dragnet.

First we'll have
a drink, darling.

Sit down. I'll be right back.

I'll have celery tonic
on the rocks.

[Whistles]

This will do it.

To us...

Darling.

Uh, to our troubles.

May they never be little ones.

Are you wearing that mask

because there's
something wrong
with your nose?

There's nothing wrong
with my lips.

There is something wrong.

What?

When bessie kisses me,

the tops of my shoes pop open.

Would you mind if I tried again?

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Bessie's the one.

Sorry.

Well, then I wish you
all the luck.

Here's to bessie.

I'll drink to that.

You're a good loser,
I don't mind saying.

To bessie sparrowbush.

Well, thanks for the drink.

It was wonderful.

You're welcome.

Good night.

Night.

Waah!

Waah!

Waah!

He's dreaming.

Waah!

Goosey goosey 221.

Freddie Freddie 711.

Goosey goosey, Freddie Freddie.

[Whistles]

What's this goosey goosey,
Freddie Freddie?

[Gurgles and mumbles]

Goosey goosey lives
at 221 appleseed Avenue

on the corner of prune street.

Freddie Freddie lives
at 711 corn field place

between succotash street
and corn pone place.

Waah!

Eugene, wake up!

Eugene, wake up!

Huh?

You're sleepy. So sleepy.

Oh, sleepy.

They're in the garden.

Waah!

He's up there.

Waah!

Zuba comes after Vincent.

She sinks her teeth
into his goose feathers.

"What's the formula?" She asks.

Waah!

She's hurting
Vincent's mousetrap.

He has to tell.

The secret formula is...

Kangaroo patrol!

Kangaroo patrol!
Kangaroo patrol!

K-a-n...

G-a-r...

O-ooh-o.

Ivan!

Kurt!

Otto. They're up here.

Sorry, we don't need any.

Don't shoot.
Remember we need
his dream.

Where did they go?

They took him away.
He was yelling kangaroo.

Spread out.

Find them.

K-a-n...

G-a-r-o-o... oh.

K-a-n-g-a-r-o-o-o... oh.

Aah!

They're up here.

Hurry!

Help! Get me out of here!

Oh, Eugene.

Eugene!

Eugene, Eugene, Eugene.

Eugene, please. Wake up.

There goes the sagittarius!

Very good.

No!

Come on. We'll just make it.

♪ When you pretend... ♪

♪ the world is gonna shine ♪

gee whiz!

♪ Divine ♪

♪ and things turn out
just fine ♪

♪ she's his ♪

♪ you're mine ♪

♪ there always comes a time ♪

♪ for wedding bells to chime ♪

♪ that's true, my friend ♪

♪ for life is filled
with happy endings ♪

♪ when you ♪

♪ pretend ♪