Army & Coop (2018) - full transcript

Welcome back, I'm Mike Haynes,

along with Peter McNabb.

And Peter, Colorado had
this game wrapped up

until Mike Armstrong took
that spearing penalty

late in the third period.

You're right, Mike.

It's just undisciplined hockey.

Armstrong cost Colorado that game.

Wait, there's something happeni

on the Colorado bench.

It looks like a fight,
but is that Armstrong?



Oh, he's got
Coach Palmer by the necktie!

Armstrong's feeding him rights.

Palmer's getting pummeled.

He's a bloody mess.

Oh, an uppercut!

I think Palmer's out cold.

Somebody'd better get in there, Peter.

Finally security jumps in.

Whoa! Now Armstrong's going
after security guards.

Everybody's jumping in.

I've never seen anything like I

We've got chaos in Colorado.

Hey, big boy. I'm
ready for that flunking.

You filthy animal.



Hey, boys.

What? Pussy got no face, boys.

Here you go, Coop.

Hey, Bill, you got hands like feet.

Hey, you call that a shot?
I piss harder than that.

- Fuck!
- Fuck you!

Hey, Bill, I got a handy
from your sister last night.

Fucking bender.

Heard you're still suspended.

Yeah.

You really fucked that coach up.

Yeah.

Whoa! She's walking like
she had bad anal last night.

Is there bad anal?

Right?

Here comes Bill.

- Game, Bill.
- Game, Army.

Tell Barb I said hello.

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Whoa.

What do you want?

What's going on here?

Well, what's it to you, shit stain?

What?

I said, what's it two you, shit stain?

I think you owe this kid an apology.

Sorry.

Get your inbred ass outta here.

Thanks, mister.

No problem. I don't think
he'll bother you anymore.

Is that an Oshie shirt?

Yeah.

Nice. Played juniors
with him in Sioux Falls.

Really?

Yeah. Good guy.

Wait.

You are Mike Armstrong.

Yeah. What's your name?

Charlie. My brother says
you're just a washed-up grinder.

Well, you can tell your brother to go-

- My dad says you're the
toughest guy in the league.

Well, yeah.

What happened?

I,

I hurt my leg.

Whoa.

Excuse me, kid.

Hey, hey.

Well,

you win some, you lose some.

I guess so.

Whoa, you're a girl.

Yeah.

Well, I just thought that...

Ah, me never mind.

You headed her back to the rink?

Yeah.

Well, I'll give you a ride.

Pop those breaks.

Well, see you later, Coop.

You'll be a good boy?

And don't shit on my bed again, okay?

- Armstrong!
- Shit!

Wait a minute,
you son of a bitch.

Mr. Fleming.

You owe me rent, dickhead.

Yeah, I know.

So when are you gonna pay?

The other guys pay.

Their parents pay, on time, every time

Just, just gimme a few days.

Tell me, what are you doing hanging ou

with these 20-year-old
college kids, Armstrong?

I mean you gotta be pushing, what, 40?

You're a complete fuckup.
You know that, right?

Nice. Is that Kirkland?

Yeah.

Hey, Coop, get back here!

You got till the end
of the week, Armstrong.

I'll get your fucking
rent. Just gimme a break.

Fuck!

Here, Cooper! Come here, bud!

Fuck me.

Oh shit.

Gabe?

How are you this fine afternoon

Pretty shitty, actually.

I take it you
overindulged once again.

No, I was overserved.

Of course you were.

Got you some doughnut holes, coffee.

Ah fuck. I forgot my keys in the car.

Your generosity is only surpass

by your oratorical eloquence.

Hey, check this out.
Found it in my locker.

My rookie card.

Well. Such a
fine-looking young man.

May I inquire as to when

this delightful photograph was created?

Geez, that's gotta be 17, 18 years ago

You haven't
changed a bit, Michael.

And you need glasses,
Gabe. You seen bossman?

Indeed.

Mr. Jones is anxiously awaiting

your arrival inside the establishment.

You're looking dapper
this morning, Mr. Jones.

Army! Where the fuck have you been?

Get this cooler loaded.

You gonna get that?

If you're not.

We open at noon.

It's 10 after.

Where are the facilities?

It's colder than a well
digger's ass in here.

You know, I asked you
to be here on the time.

I've got a meeting tomorrow.

Yeah, I know, but what happened-

- But nothing.

You know, if you didn't
draw people into here,

I would've fired you a long time ago.

- Hey, Daddy.
- Hey, Jenny.

Thanks for filling in. It's
hard to find good help.

Hello, Jenny.

You know, that's the third time

this week you've been late.

How am I supposed to run
a business like this?

You know, that's it.

One more fuckup and you're outta here.

You got that? One more fuckup.

Yes, master. I can do better, master.

Don't whip me, master. I can do better.

And stay away from my daughter.

She doesn't want anything to do with you

Yes, master. I'll stay away
from your daughter, master.

I'll stay away.

What's up, shit stabber?

Son of a...

Jen, we need to talk.

Come on, you can't be
serious about this guy.

That is none of your business

Cut me some slack.

Cut you some slack? Are you kidding me

Ha, not again.

You're right, not again,
'cause I don't care anymore.

Fuck.

Can I get a Tom Collins?

Yeah. You want a tampon with that?

Okay. How about a ginger ale?

I'll take a water. No ice, please.

My name's...

Jen, be reasonable. He's
not the guy you think he is.

Just out of my way.

I'm telling you, he's a player.

I've seen him at the clubs.

He makes me look like Boy George
with erectile dysfunction.

Whatever! He is a better
man than you'll ever be.

Me? Are you kidding me?

Just drop it, Michael!

Who pissed in her Wheaties?

Son of a...

Murray, come here.

I need favor.

What?

Go over to my house, find
Coop. He got out again.

Man, I got shit to do today.

You're a fucking dishwasher,
and a shitty one at that.

Look, clean it up and go.

Wait.

I can't.

Why not?

I don't have a car.

Just take, take mine.
The keys are in it.

And here. Fill her up.

Be careful. It's a classic.

But I don't know how to drive.

Army!

You seen the bartender? Ugly guy?

He's in the back.

Army, get your ass out here!

Hey, Bobby, what's up?

Don't give me that shit.
Answer your goddamn phone.

I left it at home.

Well, would you look at that?

Son of a...

Read this. Got faxed to me
by the league this morning.

Yeah.

You've been suspended for 200 games.

Two fucking hundred.

200? Why?

Well, let's think about this.

You're the first guy to get
into a fight on your own bench

with your own coach on
national television.

He's a fucking asshole, and you know I

You know what, he's a fucking
asshole with a broken jaw.

You're lucky he doesn't sue you.

Yeah, but 200 games?

Look, you took a shit on
the hood of the owner's car.

And you put Viagra in the
visitors' water bottle.

You fucked the CEO's daughter

Hey, it was his granddaughter.

Hey, are you listening to me?

What's your point?

That's a termination letter.

I'm terminating our agreement.

What?

Look, Colorado, they're gonna cut you,

and nobody's gonna wanna
pick up your contract.

All right? You're done.

Well, I heard Dallas-

- No, stop it.

I cannot be your agent anymore.

You're damaged goods.

You've been my agent since I was 19.

Army.

Think of this as a wake-up call.

Get your shit together.

My shit?

Yeah. I mean, look at you.

You're outta shape, you're immature,

and you're a goddamn drunk.

Look out, I got a baby on deck,

and I think it's coming breach.

Ew!

Come on!

Ah!

You're unreliable and you're homophobi

You smell like dog food.

Look, life's not all coke and pussy, Arm

- I gotta move on.
- Hey, thanks for telling me

I had a dick on my...

I see things have changed.

Hey, Jen.

Oh, hey, Scott.

How is your day
progressing, Michael?

Was Mr. Jones upset by your tardiness?

Yeah, but that's the
least of my problems.

Do tell.

Well, Coop's loose again,
Jen won't talk to me,

and my agent dropped me like
a fucking T-Mobile call.

A most eventful day
thus far, wouldn't you say?

Yeah, I guess.

I shouldn't be here anyway, man.

I'm a hockey player, not a bartender.

Ice hockey is
a young man's endeavor.

You, my aging friend,

are well into the twilight of your caree

Sooner or later you must find
a less taxing profession.

Things just used to be easier, though.

I mean, I'd get up, play hockey, party,

go to the next town, get
up, play hockey, party.

Things just got complicated.

Indeed they do, Michael.

The knowledge and experience
one gathers over time

typically prepares them
for a mature adulthood.

Well, not me brother.

I'm as free as the luggage
on Southwest. Life's good.

Your day indicates
otherwise, Michael.

But I respect your fortitude.

Onward, young man.

Thanks, Gabe.

Our talks always, uh,
make me feel better, man.

Most enriching persiflage,
Michael. Most enriching.

Thank you for using the ashtray.

That one's on me.

Who's that asshole?

I don't know.

What happened to you last night, bud.

Last I saw you were doing
a line off that GILF's ass.

GILF?

Grandma.

Took her back to the stabbin' cabin.

Got some strange. Shit got weird.

That's definitely PT, bud.

PT?

Past talent.

Now, what is it with
you and redheads, bud?

That chick was older than my granny.

Pussy's pussy, my friend.

Eh.

I don't mean to eavesdrop,

but I have to disagree with you.

Army, is it?

Yeah.

I've been married for over
25 years. I love my wife.

I view her as much more
than a sexual object.

There's an intellectual connection

that every healthy couple enjoys.

Thanks, Dr. Phil. You
gonna send me to Malibu now?

It's that intellectual connection

that's kept me loyal all these years.

I spent a lotta time on the road,

and believe me, I had chances.

I bet you've had a lot
of opportunities, huh?

What do you do, bud?

I'm, uh, I'm in sales.

Really? I'm an out-of-work gynecologis

- Really?
- Yeah.

Just looking for the right opening.

About freaking time.

Hey, come here. I wanna
talk to you real quick.

Let go of me.

- Stop! Get off of me!
- Hey, just relax.

- What the fuck?
- Stop!

Get your hands off of me! Stop it.

I take it you're a friend of his?

Best friends.

Hey, what's up there, little guy?

Little guy?

Fuck you.

- Fuck me?
- Yeah.

Do you know who you're talking to?

Yeah, I know who I'm
talking to, Dickstrong.

Fucking washed-up, Pillsbury
Dough-looking motherfucker

that can't play anymore.

That's why you're riding pine, right?

Yeah, I've seen you play.

You think you're a tough guy,

wearing a helmet and your little gloves?

You're just a big, fat pussy.

All right.

Knock it off, otherwise I'll take you ou

You? Take me out where, on a date?

We're going on a date, you and me?

I don't think so.

You fucking has-been.

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

Go to sleep, Frodo.

Where'd that guy go?

Doctor's appointment.

Really?

Yeah.

Could you believe that asshole?

Mm-hmm.

Eh, shit.

Beer?

I'm, I'm pregnant.

Oh, right, right, yeah. Tequila?

Could I just have water, please?

Sure.

How old do you think she is?

Eh, 16, 17.

Definitely FT.

FT?

Let me guess. Future talent?

This guy gets it.

Well, that's way too
young to be a mother.

Are you kidding me?
She's a total smoke show.

I mean, safe as they come,
too. She's already pregnant.

There's no way she's 18, bud.

That's a guideline, not a rule.

Uh, actually, it's a law.

Well, you know what I always say.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

Cover your stump before you hump.

Sheath that knife. She ain't your wife

Cover your diddle before
you fiddle that middle.

Don't be silly. Protect your willy.

- Huh?
- Oh!

I'm beginning to like this guy.

10 bucks.

Just kidding.

Water's only three bucks.

Oh.

Jesus, water's free. This ain't Flint.

Ah, fuck.

Dick.

It's Rich, asshole.

I think the gay bar's up the road.

If I were gay, I wouldn't be humping J

twice a day, now would I?

I've been meaning to ask you,

how do you like my sloppy seconds?

Hey, Richie.

Hey, precious.

I'll get you a drink while you set up.

Okay, pumpkin.

Oh my God.

You're jealous, Armstrong.

Jealous of you? I don't think so.

Ah, Rogaine doesn't seem
to be kicking in, does it?

Listen here, Army.

You do us all a favor
and stay away from Jen.

She doesn't want anything to do with you

All righty, then.

Soon, I'll get her outta this
place, away from your shit.

Okay, Dick. Nobody's
buying this good guy routine.

I know what kind of fuck monkey you are,

and soon, so will Jen.

Yes. Sorry, buddy.

You lose. I win.

Take it like a man.

Geez, Dick.

I'm gonna rip your head off
and piss down your throat.

Hmm, you might wanna be careful

with that temper, Armstrong.

You might still be in the league.

Hey, let him go, buddy. Let him go.

Yeah.

Yeah, listen to your buddy, Gilligan.

Is everything all right, guys?

Everything's fine, honey.

Okay.

So I was in the islands in '79

with Bob Marley.

Dude reaches into his pocket,

pulls out a fatty jay.

We smoked that thing for, like, hours.

I was really high,

but so clear.

I pulled out a pen.

I wrote "One Love" in, like, five minute

Marley pulls out his guitar,

and we're just jamming on the beach.

I was so baked.

I completely forgot about it.

I left the napkin with the
lyrics on Marley's coffee table.

The rest is history.

Yeah. So, like, are
you gonna buy something?

I need something strong.

- Strong?
- Really strong.

Really strong?

How about the pre-rolled?

It's gonna be a mix between Blue Kush

and Hawaiian Ballsack.

We call it Blue Balls,

other than the fact that it
doesn't leave you hanging.

And two hits of that,

you're gonna be feeling
like Willie Nelson on 420,

if you know what I mean.

I'll take six of these.

Make it seven.

And, uh,

I'll take one of those,

a pack of those,

an ounce of that,

a half ounce of that,

the pipe that looks like a caterpillar,

the hermit crab over there.

Aw!

That bong looks sick.

Yeah. That's the
Johnny Menzel Powertoke.

That's a good eye, my friend.

I'll take it.

You have been most excellent, my man.

Throw in 10 bucks for yourself.

Thanks, man.

Hey, where are you going?

I need a courtesy wipe.

Your toilet paper feels
more like sandpaper.

Fuck that, I need your
help to prove to Jen

he's just another asshole.

Rich? No, he's okay.

He's not okay, idiot.
He's just another douchebag.

I just found out he fucked

like three of my teammates' wives.

Three!

So?

So?

So I need to prove to Jen that he's

a fucking shallow dickhead, just like me

It's my only hope.

Hope? Of what?

Getting her back.

Oh no, bud.

There's no hope of that.

Fuck.

Holy shit.

Look at that redhead.

She's got the ass of an eighth-grade boy

I hate when you say that, bud.

Hey, ladies. How are we doing?

Hey, can I get you guys
something to drink?

Pitcher of margaritas.

Aw, girl! Last night being single.

One pitcher of margs.

Hey, that's perfect.

Get your jaw off the floor, loser.

Oh, look at the bombs on that blonde.

Yeah. Fucking racking.

Ah, shit.

Where's that,
where is that bartender?

- Yeah.
- Oh my gosh

Hey, now, remember, no means yes then.

Then yes means anal.
You think I'm stupid?

Go get 'em, tiger.

Hey, ladies. Welcome to Mudrock's.

I'd like to take your picture. Yeah.

I wanna show Santa what I
want for Christmas.

Uh.

Just kidding. Pitcher's on the house.

Hey, you see my friends over there?

They want your number so they know

where they can find me in the morning.

Congratulations, by the way.

Ow!

Oh!

Oh yeah.

Okay. Semen in you later.

Smooth.

What did you say?

I just asked her if she wanted

to go halfsies on a bastard child.

And that didn't work?

I don't know. They're losers.

Sorry to interrupt you guys.

What the hell?

Oh yes.

Too easy.

I'm gonna destroy that asshole.

That's gay.

Goddamn camel humpers.

Probably suicide bombers or something.

Well, that's not racist.

I don't care.

You know, they wipe their
ass with their left hand.

That's not exactly true.

In reality, Scott, the
vast majority of Muslims

suffer more violence and
terrorism than non-Muslims.

In fact, over 90% of Muslims don't suppo

the extremist views of terrorism.

Believe what you want.

My uncle served three tours in Iraq.

He saw it first hand.

This guy sucks.

He sounds like Nirvana and
Pearl Jam fucked a Muppet.

Hey, he's really good.

Yeah.

Everyone, make sure you
tip the hot bartender,

who this next song goes out to.

And it's not that fat fuck behind the ba

It's Jen.

I love you, baby.

♪ Two doves flying high above the sky ♪

♪ I am sorry I got it in your eye ♪

♪ Hmm, baby ♪

♪ You ain't a noun, baby, you're a verb ♪

♪ 'Cause it's something that I do ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Let me put it in the number two ♪

♪ Oh, my girl, oh, my girl ♪

♪ Just like a clam when
I get into that pearl ♪

♪ Sit that ass on my face ♪

♪ Hey there, girl, let
me taste that vagina ♪

I'm gonna take a short break.

Yeah!

You suck!

Hey, can we get some beers?

You guys carrying?

Carrying what?

Guns, bombs.

Dude, I'm from Cleveland.
He's from Seattle.

We're Air Force cadets from the Springs.

Yeah, and I'm Caitlyn Jenner.

What can I get you guys?

Two Hazed.

I was on the tail of a KGB agent

in Birmingham,

the UK.

I was in an Aston Martin.

Great cars, by the way.

I highly recommend one,
if you have the means.

And suddenly, a helicopter lowered

these two ninjas into my backseat.

Excuse me.

Murray here.

Hey, Murray, where
the fuck are you, man?

I'm on it, Army. I almost got him.

Where is he?

I'll have him back in
the bar licking his nuts

before you can say peanut butter Thursda

Bring Coop now!

Chill out. I'm on it.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. These Russians in my backseat.

One of 'em was a chick.

Hot, like Maria Sharapova.

Except, a real Russian, not from Florida

Anyway, they've got guns
to the back of my head.

Do you know what I do?

Do ya?

I drove that thing right off a cliff,

and I rolled out, doing like 60.

It flies off and burns in flames.

And I'm just laying there, and suddenly,

somebody comes up and kicks me in the le

Do you know who it was?

Do ya?

Do ya?

King me.

How's it hanging, sugar?

A little to the left,
just below the knee.

Oh, you got it, baby.

Is, is that a man?

Balls and all.

Um.

Yeah.

Well, the usual?

Oh, please

Well, see you later?

Yeah.

Damn.

I need two Dells.

Hey, Jen, wait.

I need to talk to you for a second.

What? I'm trying to work.

He's not the guy you think he is.

Listen.

He treats me well.

He holds the door open for me.

He brings flowers.

He's everything you're not.

I used to hold the door open for you.

Yeah, sure, when you could stand.

Half of the time, you
were passed out drunk.

Come on.

Look, he loves me.

Okay? We go on picnics together.

We have doggie play dates.

Doggie play dates?

Now I know he's gay.

Just drop it.

Please.

Jen.

I didn't wanna tell you this,

but I saw him get that
girl's number over there.

What girl?

The one at the bachelorette party.

Hey, honey.

Hey, I'm sorry to bother you with this,

but he said you got a girl's
number from over there.

A number?

Yeah. I saw you, joker.

Oh, this?

The bachelorette party wanted
me to play a few songs.

That coulda happened to anybody.

Sorry, honey.

Fuck.

Michael, I sense
a level of frustration.

Is the day getting away from you?

It's my...

It's Jen.

Hmm, yes?

She fucking hates me.

When one door
closes, my good friend,

another door opens.

We often look so long and so regretfully

upon the closed door

that we do not see the
ones which now stand open.

All my doors are closing.
My career, my girl, my life.

Michael, your
mind is a powerful thing.

When you fill it with positive thoughts,

your life will follow suit.

She's dating this complete a-hole.

She thinks he's great, but
he's, he's no good for her.

As the great poet Francois
de La Rochefoucauld once wrote,

"Absence diminishes small
loves and increases great ones,

as the wind blows out the
candle but lights the bonfire."

Yeah, I guess. Maybe.

Look, I gotta get back to work.

- So creepy.
- Can you believe it?

- She had red hair.
- Look how cute this is.

This is amazing.

- Oh, do that one.
- That one, for sure.

Oh my gosh.

Hey, Army.

Hi, Charlie.

I wanted my mom to meet you.

Oh, hi, Charlie's mom.

It's Sally. Nice to meet you.

Charlie can't stop talking about you.

Really?

I was wondering if you'd sign my jerse

I thought you were an Oshie fan?

Not anymore.

Hey.

Hey.

Is that your friend over there?

Yeah.

Why is he signing that
jersey for that little kid?

'Cause he's Mike Armstrong.

The famous hockey player?

That's Mike Armstrong?

Yeah.

Okay, can I go now? I got
a like a racist horse.

Thanks. Dad's not gonna believe it.

Hey, we got an open table back there,

if you guys would like to stay.

We got great wings.

Can we, Mom?

Sure, honey.

Hey, listen, as soon as
you get out of that chair,

why don't we get on the ice together?

I could show you a few you things.

Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Can I talk to you in private?

Sure.

I just wanted to thank you
from the bottom of my heart.

She gets picked on a lot and-

- Don't mention it.

It was nothing.

Hey, Army, whose
dick do I have to suck

to get a beer around here?

You better get back to your customers.

We'll get something to eat.

All right.

Can I have everyone's attention, pleas

Everyone, be quiet.

That goes for you guys
playing foosball in the back.

Jen.

Baby.

Can you, uh, come up to the stage, pleas

What the fuck?

Jen, uh,

we've been together for over a month now

What'll it be?

I wanna spend the rest
of my life with you.

Uh, your best bourbon. Neat.

Will you make me the
happiest man on Earth?

Will you marry me?

Are you kidding me?

Yes.

Hey, all right.

Another?

Rum and Coke.

- Look at that.
- I'm so happy.

Dang, look at
the size of that rock.

I know, it's great.

Yeah, no, actually,
I didn't pay for that.

What the fuck is going on here?

I'll be out back.

That was amazing.

Yeah.

Army's having a tough time today, huh?

That might send him
over the edge, but...

So what's the backstory on Army and Je

They dated for a few years.
Lived together for a while.

Army was in the show back
then, so he traveled a lot.

What happened?

Army got a serious
problem with redheads.

A serious problem.

I've never seen anything like it.

He goes apeshit for anything

with red hair and a set of cans.

Huh.

Jen comes home early
from the bar one night.

Army's in the hot tub with two redheads.

A mother-daughter deal.

Found 'em at Walgreens
in the sunscreen aisle.

Oh, that makes sense.

About a week later,
Jen gets the cable bill.

Super expensive.

Apparently Army ordered
like 10 porn movies.

"Ginger Snatch," "Nobody
Does It Redder," "Red Boss."

But Jen's not a redhead.

Actually, she is. She went
blonde after they split.

- Really?
- Yup.

Then Jen moved out a few days later,

and Army's never been the same since.

Smoking will
let me prove to shorten

the days in which you exist, Michael.

I know.

I wish I never existed.

Nonsense. You are a young man.

You have a long and
fruitful life ahead of you.

It doesn't matter. I'm gonna be alone.

Rich proposed to Jen.

She said yes.

She actually accepted.

Apparently you don't know Jen

as well as you think you do.

Yeah, I guess not.

It doesn't matter anyway, though.

It's done.

She's gone.

I'm fucked.

Sometimes all a woman wants

is to see you fight for her.

It gives her confidence that you want

the relationship as much as she does.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense, huh?

Where's the
boy that left home alone

at 14 years of age to
pursue his hockey career?

Right here.

And where's the
young man everyone's said

was too small and too
slow to be successful?

Right here.

And where's the man
who worked his derriere off

in order to prove everyone wrong?

Right here.

Then go in there, Michael,

and fight for what you want.

You are your only obstacle.

You're right.

Ha-ha! Excelsior!

Get you another water?

No thanks.

Can I ask what you're doing
in a bar in your condition?

Um, I'm running away.

Running away?

With my boyfriend.

Why?

My parents, they hate him.

Well, I would, too.

Can I ask how old you are?

Um, I'm 16.

16? You're just a kid.

Now you sound just like my parents.

I'm sorry.

Well, how old's your boyfriend?

Let me guess. He's 17.

He's, he's 22.

22?

Man.

Well, what does he do?

He works construction. Part-time.

Listen, it's none of my business,

but you should really think
twice before running away

with a 22-year-old part-time
construction worker.

I mean, I was 22 once,

and I know I wasn't
ready for a wife and kid.

Shit.

I'm still not ready.

Well, where is he, anyway?

I mean, you've been sitting
here for like two hours.

He isn't answering his phone.

Look, I'll get you some
more water. You hungry?

Maybe some crackers.

All right.

But think about what I said.

So I met this blonde.

Her name was Bambi or

Bunny or something.

She worked at a strip club.

She was so hot.

I paid for a lap dance.

Two songs in and I got my
hands where they don't belong.

Well, one thing leads to another,

and we're both drunk, so
we head back to her place.

She pounces on me as
soon as we get inside.

So we're making out and
our clothes hit the floor.

We're butt-ass naked,
and she's grinding on me.

I think she was a squirter.

I don't remember.

You know what I'm talking
about, right?

Anyway.

I got whiskey dick,

and I couldn't even-

Son of a...

What's up, Army?

I need you to bring my dog back

I told you I'm on it.

Come on. Fuck,
man, I'm missing my dog.

Chillax, big man, you're
gonna blow a gasket. Later.

Sheesh.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah.

Buffy.

Where the fuck is Murray?

He did a good job.
Yeah, definitely, definitely.

It's awesome. Congratulations.

It's back to reality for you.

Yeah.

- Can't believe it's real.
- He did a good job.

Uh, we haven't discussed
it yet. We'll see.

Oh, hey, baby.

Hey, can I fill my water bottle?

Sure. You want Hazed or White Rascal?

No, no. I'm hoping to get
at least 50 fun miles today.

Yeah, this sounds real fun.

Nice place, by the
way. Do you serve vegan?

No, we don't serve
vegan, paleo, organic,

gluten free, or any of that
other shit you guys eat.

We serve beer, wings, and burgers.

Don't ask me to hold the fucking bike.

- I didn't mean to-
- Listen.

Can I ask you a question?

Why the hell do you guys wear

those stupid fucking getups anyway.

I mean, why don't you just
wear a T-shirt and shorts,

like normal fucking people?

Frankly, you don't have the build for it

And another thing, stay
the fuck off the road.

I almost pick one of
you off every other day.

The roads are made for
cars, for Christ's sake.

And you bring your bike
into my fucking bar?

It's probably worth more
than your Subaru, am I right?

Yeah, how much money can you spend

on two wheels in a handlebar?

You wanna get in shape?
Buy a fucking weight set.

Just stay off the goddamn road.

See you soon.

So are we a go for
Operation Reservoir Dogs?

- Yeah.
- Reservoir Dogs?

You'll see. Time to show
Jen just how awesome I am.

I thought your intent was
to expose Rich as a fraud.

Well, yeah, but-

- Yeah, but we couldn't
come up with a good plan.

Well, I had an idea, but
I'm hesitant to suggest it.

What is it?

You say this guy has an
overactive libido, right?

He doesn't wear swimsuits, Walter.

Yes.

Well, hear me out.

I ain't going to
your car. I just got here.

I'll catch up with you guys.

Hey, Army.

Is that your Jersey up there?

Yeah.

So you used to play in the pros?

Yeah.

Wow.

That's hot.

Oh boy. A redhead.

Yeah, it's not good, bud.

I have to pee.

I'll be in the ladies'
room if you need me.

And by the way, I'm not
wearing any panties.

Uh.

Ah.

Hey.

Uh, listen.

I, um,

I can't do that.

You're a really beautiful girl,

and normally I would jump at the chance,

but you're drunk and you'd regret it.

So how about you go take care of busines

and I'll call you a ride, on me?

Hey, bud.

Um,

are you okay?

Yeah.

Really?

Because you just turned
down an absolute smoke show.

She's drunk, man.

Exactly.

I'm impressed, Army.

Armstrong.

- What?
- Where is my stuff?

Listen, you're really bad.

I mean, you suck.

Nobody wants to listen to your shit.

Fuck you, Armstrong.

Hey! Everybody, quiet down.

Who wants to hear some more
of this guy's shitty music?

Boo!

You suck.

You heard 'em, Ringo. Why
don't you, uh, call it a night?

Mr. Jones is gonna hear about this.

Whatever, Dick.

Hey that's okay.

We're gonna do this the old-fashioned wa

Just me and my guitar.

Get off the stage!

Oh, hey, how are the wings?

- Great.
- They're great.

I told you so.

Hey, listen, what size sneakers you wear

I think my sister might have
some old skates you can use.

I,

- I don't know.
- Oh, hold on.

I'll be back.

Reservoir Dogs is a go.

I'm not a part of this.

Open the cash register! Put it in here

Get back!

Okay. Calm down.

Just do it!

What are you looking at, numb nuts?

He pissed himself!

Hurry the fuck up!

Dude, what the fuck?

Silent!

No, wait, wait!

Leave him.

Guys.

No, wait.

Just let him go. Let him go!

What the fuck, Army?

I think you got him.

Good.

Hey, guys.

Thanks for your help back there.

No problem.

Listen, sorry for being a dick earlier

It's just, uh, my uncle,
he got hurt in Iraq.

Sorry to hear that.

You guys really in the Air Force?

Yes, sir.

Here.

To the best damn military in the world.

Cheers.

Hey, did I hear that guy yell
your name when he ran out?

Yeah, yeah. He's my best friend.

Long story.

I was gonna chase him outta
here and impress a girl.

Sounds kinda fucked up.

Yeah.

Sorry we ruined your plan.

It's not a problem.

I got more tricks up my sleeve.

What the fuck, Army?

The guy almost broke my fucking wrist.

Calm down, Jesse James.

That plan was clearly flawed.

Yeah, no shit, but they fucked-

- Look, forget about that.

Rich is in the bathroom.

Time to try Walter's plan.

Hey, what is fucking wrong here?

I fucking hate Armstrong.

Jesus H. Christ.

Whoa! Oh!

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Oh!

Ah!

Gah!

Oh, I'm close, I'm close, I'm close,

I'm close, I'm close,
I'm close, I'm close,

I'm close, I'm close,
I'm close, I'm close,

I'm close, I'm close, I'm
close, I'm close, I'm close.

Lay off the garlic, honey.

Well.

Now we know how you got all
the ladies in high school.

What?

And I thought you were gay.

You're gay.

Uh, that's not what
your mom said last night.

Well, my mom's gay,
so that makes you gay.

Fuck.

You see a glory hole in there?

Nope.

Huh, that's funny, 'cause
Gale said he saw one.

You assholes think you're
pretty clever, don't ya?

Yeah, buddy.

Yeah. We'll, fuck you.

It's your word against mine.

Well, Scott's video says otherwise.

You set me up!

Calm down. We can make
this all just disappear.

What do you want?

Simple, call off the
bullshit engagement,

break up with Jen, and
get the fuck outta here.

Fuck you!

Look, as I see it, you got two choices

You can either do what I tell you,

or Scott here is gonna
take this little gem

and post it on Facebook.

I'd say, what, about a million views

in a half hour, huh, Scott?

Why not, huh? I was never
gonna marry that bitch anyway.

What?

One vagina for the rest of my life?

Hmm, no thank you.

But the diamond.

Diamond?

Are you nuts? There's no diamond.

Well, why, then?

Revenge, motherfucker, revenge.

Revenge?

Tracy Dildorf, high school. Remember?

Yes, I do.

Yeah. Well, I lost my virginity to her

I gave her my class ring,
supposed to marry her,

- and then you-
- Yes, I did.

But I didn't know she was with you.

Oh, bullshit.

Listen, that's what this is all about?

Yeah, but it doesn't matter,

because Jen's never gonna end up with yo

Get that through your head, huh?

♪ You lose ♪

Do it now.

Tell Jen the truth or you
leave here in a fucking box.

Aw.

Okay, buddy, okay, okay.

Okay, let's go.

I miss him already.

Okay, now's your chance.
She's in a fragile state.

Chicks do dumb shit when
they're in a fragile state.

I don't wanna take advantage of her.

You don't?

No.

I don't know what you did,

but I know you had something do with thi

Jen, I wanted to tell you about asshol

Shut up!

Just leave me alone.

What's up, Coop?

We've gotta go, my man.

Come on.

Anything else for you guys?

No thanks. We're stuffed.

Yeah.

It's quite an eventful day in here.

Is it always like this?

Uh, not really.

About those skates.

Hey, um, can I talk to you again?

Yeah, of course.

Uh, listen, Charlie really likes you,

but she's not gonna be
able to skate with you.

It's just a skate. No checking.

Uh, Charlie didn't really hurt her leg

She just says that
'cause she's embarrassed.

Embarrassed?

She was diagnosed with a form

of muscular dystrophy when she was three

She's got breathing
issues and heart issues.

She'll never walk again.

What?

Is everything okay?

I have never seen him like that before.

What's going on.

You seem quite subdued, Michael

It's my friend.

She's sick.

Really sick.

Life is fleeting.

She's just a kid.

The illness of someone close

reminds us that we are
still alive and healthy,

perhaps for some greater purpose.

It's just not fair.

My suggestion is to
honor your friend's misfortune

by using it in a positive manner.

Ask yourself, if your time were limited,

what would you seek to accomplish?

It's a great question.

You still waiting?

Yeah. He's always late.

Yeah.

You know, life's pretty tough.

And you add a baby to that...

You're gonna need your parents' help.

You can't do this alone.

Things will get better. Trust me.

I've made a terrible mistake.

I just wanna go home.

I know.

How did you...

Son of a...

Stay here, Coop.

What's up, knob jockey?

What the fuck, Murray?
Where have you been?

Where's Coop?

Relax. He's out in the car.

Out in the car?

Yeah.

The sign outside said "No Pets Allowed."

Idiot!

Cooper!

He was right here.

Murray, you could screw up a free lunc

Army, you got a call. It's your agent.

Bobby?

He said it's important, bud.

Shit. I gotta take this call.

You keep looking.

What?

Really?

Rescinded?

LA?

Two weeks, huh?

I thought you fired me.

Yeah, hold on a sec.

What's going on?

Player's association had
my suspension overturned.

LA wants to sign me.

LA? You always wanted to
play in Cali, bud.

Tell 'em I'm not interested.

I got too many things to do.

I've wasted enough time.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Oh, and Bobby, go fuck yourself.

What?

Look what I just found in the alley.

Cooper!

Cooper!

Hey, bud. I missed ya.

What happened?

I was just walking
home down main street,

and this guy come running by with Cooper

I knew something was
wrong, so I grabbed him.

Nice work, Gale.

What are we gonna do with this butthol

Oh, let me take him home.

He owes me one.

Come on, meat stick. We're
gonna soil some sheets tonight.

Oh.

No!

No!

No!

Missed you, buddy.

Hey, Coop. I missed you too.

I haven't seen you in a while.

Hey, listen.

I, uh,

I know you don't wanna talk to me,

and you probably hate me,

- but-
- Just

stop.

Come on, Coop.

Scott told me everything.

I think I owe you an apology.

Like, I was never gonna marry that guy.

He just caught me off guard
with all the people...

Okay, I just wanted to see
what you would do, all right?

Really? You did all of that for me?

Yeah, but that doesn't change anything

You still hurt me, and I don't know if-

- Stop.

I wanna prove to you I can
be the man you want me to be.

It's gonna take some time.

A lot of time.

I'm willing to wait.

Look, let's go out tomorrow night.

Just you, me, Medieval Times.

Love Medieval Times.

How about we start with a cup of coffe

and just see how things go?

It's good enough for me.

Before you two start making plans,

I have a confession to make.

What's that?

I'm not really a salesman.

Ah, that's okay. I'm
not really a gynecologist.

I thought you were!

What do you do?

I run a youth hockey
program here in Boulder.

As a matter of fact,

one of our board members
recommended we hire you.

Me?

I heard a lot about you, mostly bad,

so I came down to see for myself.

Oh boy.

And?

I almost left 30
minutes after I sat down.

The way you treated women,
minorities, I was appalled.

But something kept me here.

What's that?

Maybe it's the soap opera
playing out between you two.

Maybe it's the way you treated

that little girl in the wheelchair.

I'm not sure, but I had a feeling.

We're looking for a new hockey director.

I wanna offer you the job.

It pays $85,000 a year, plus bonuses.

It includes health insurance,
401k, all the usual stuff.

There's limited travel, but of course-

- Yes, yes!

Of course, there'll be a drug test.

Great. What drugs are we testing?

Gabe, you'll never
believe what just happened.

I got...

Gabe?

Gabe!

Hey, Murray, where's that
box that was out here?

What box?

The cardboard box.

It's been here for weeks. Gabe's box.

Dude, the only box out
here is in between your legs.

Oh, geez.

The only box out here is
between your legs. Classic.

"Bison" on three. One, two, three.

Bison!

All right, quit hitting him in the but