Andromina: The Pleasure Planet (1999) - full transcript

Hello?

Where the hell is everybody?

Woo!

Save it.

Where the hell is everybody?

You know I just asked
myself the same question.

Hey, Cody, how you been?

I've been in deep space so
long I have no idea what it is.

Well, you're here, and
that's all that matters.

Me?

I've been hauling carbonite in
the matterite system so long,



I can taste it.

You ever taste carbonite?

I can't say that I have.

Well, you don't want to.

It's nasty.

It tastes like
dirty metal socks.

That's nice, and as
much as I would love

to talk to you about this
all I really want to know

is what in the hell
is going on here?

I mean, where are the pilots?

Where are the gamblers?

Where are the women?

Gone, gone, and gone.

Hello, boys.



Been a long time.

Yeah, I'll say.

You know, what happened?

What's going on?

The end of Andromeda.

The pleasure planet is over.

No, no, no,
don't you say that.

I traveled half the
galaxy to get here.

You said your business was fun.

Well, I want some
of that business.

Hey, I wish I could oblige,
boys, but the fun has run out.

Whoa.

Whoa.

I don't get this.

I mean, what's happened?

Times change.

People move on.

Nowadays, it's all virtual
reality and programmable dates.

No one wants to do it the
old fashioned way anymore.

I do.

Cody?

That is why we're here.

Whoa, I know what's going on.

In a second, everybody is going
to jump out and yell surprise.

OK, I'm ready.

Surprise me.

Oh, man, this is bad.

This is horrible.

Mhm.

Woo hoo!

Hey, what the hell is going on?

Just take a look around, Omar.

It doesn't get any
better than this?

What?

But where, how, why?

I was just telling
the boys it's over.

People move on.

The old ways are just
not in fashion anymore.

Nah, this isn't right.

This place stands for something

God.

I mean, I lost my--

Hey!

Well, I had a lot
of good memories here.

Yeah, that's true.

You remember those Venetian
girls that used to work here?

Remember what they could
do with a piece of fruit?

I remember the time I
was with the Saturn twins.

I don't think I came out
of the room for three days.

Four days.

Right.

That's what I mean.

This place is great.

We can't let it go to waste.

I can if nobody
wants to work here.

Take a look around
I've got no girls.

No girls, no space jockeys.

No space jockeys, no business.

Bye bye, Andromeda.

We can't let this happen.

It's too late.

God.

Look, it's over.

This isn't right.

I mean, we've got do something.

It's over.

Wrong, it's not over
until we say it's over.

We're pilots damn it.

OK, we travel into deep space
and come back again, OK.

We've faced hostile
aliens, Orion pirates.

I mean, you name it, we
either freaking blown

it up or ran away from it, OK.

And what do we get for
all our troubles, huh?

Some credits that we
never get a chance

to spend in the Alliance
Bank and a few days R and R

in Andromeda.

And now you're going
to sit here and tell

me that Andromeda is no more.

Forget it.

I ain't going out like that.

Who's with me?

I am.

He don't even know
what he's talking about.

Yeah, but, well,
I'm with you anyway.

Mabel, you still got
that wormhole transport.

It's a little dusty,
but it's still work.

How about the returns?

Just take the pad
with you when you go.

Hit return.

I haven't had a problem yet.

Perfect.

With that we can transport
to any place in the galaxy.

What do you say we go get
some new girls for Mabel?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm in with that.

You've been in
a vacuum to long.

Yeah, but will you do it.

Hell, yes.

You boys really
don't have to do this.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't you worry, Mabel.

We're going to
take care of this,

because I know
where the women are

the most beautiful and the
most beguiling in the universe.

Women, they write songs about.

Women so pure that no man
has ever touched them.

The one planet that's
off limits to any male.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Eros.

Eros.

Eros.

Is this Eros?

This is it.

Excellent.

So what next?

Oh, let's split up.

We can cover more
ground that way.

We'll meet right
back here at sundown,

and guys let's be careful.

Just beaming here we broke about
six intergalactic treaties.

Six?

Yeah, even though
this planet's

only colonized by women,
they all don't get along.

They've developed
their own factions.

They make up their own rules.

They're completely autonomous.

How do you know so much?

It's a hobby.

All right, let's get moving.

And guys, try to
avoid large groups, OK.

You'll do much
better one on one.

But what happens
in large groups?

You'll get captured
and tortured to death.

Tortured.

Move it.

One on one is nice, but
two on two is even better.

All right, who's there?

Cody?

Jeter?

Quit playing around.

Hey.

Hi, how's it going?

OK, look, I know I'm
not supposed to be here.

I got lost.

I just got lost, and I just--

oh, well, all right.

That's more like it.

Take me to your leader.

But you are our leader.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you.

I mean, you no harm.

I come in peace.

That's right.

You can touch me.

You can touch me.

I won't bite not unless you ask.

What the hell?

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, let me out of here.

I'm a citizen of the
Intergalactic Alliance.

You can't hold me.

I'm out of here.

Great.

No remote.

This is nice.

What the hell's going on?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you.

I'm just not
feeling like myself.

Kind of get that way when
you're tied to stake you know.

Hey, you're from the
Tribe, aren't you?

Back to nature.

I envy you.

Excuse me.

What's that for?

Hello, I'm speaking here.

You're in the
forbidden jungle.

No man is allowed here.

So you can talk.

Tomorrow you'll be burned
alive for your crimes.

What crimes?

Stupid man, trespassing.

Hey, stop.

You can't sacrifice me.

I just got here.

I can sacrifice you
right now if I want.

It makes no difference to me.

OK.

OK.

Later's fine.

Don't I at least get a phone
call, a lawyer, anything?

Well, go on.

I'll be here when you get back.

Great.

If this is
torture, keep it up.

Our king must be anointed
with the sacred oil

before he's crowned.

OK.

Is this pleasing
to His Majesty?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

How did I get picked
to be king actually?

It's written in
the sacred scrolls

that our king once
banished will return.

The one who walks as a man who
walks into our village is king.

So any guy that walked into
the village could be king?

Only the chosen one.

Oh, right.

Right.

Right.

OK, so what's your name?

I'm called Roxy.

Roxy?

Roxy, I like that.

So what do you do here, Roxy.

I've been waiting
for your arrival.

Really?

That's it.

I've been trained
by the holy sisters

my entire life to serve
the king once he returns.

Wow, it must have been
pretty boring waiting for me.

The anticipation
it's been terrible.

I'll bet.

I'll bet.

So what did these
sisters teach you anyway?

Hello?

Anybody?

I have rights, you know.

The Intergalactic Alliance
planetary conference clearly

states that no traveler
traveling with an alliance base

shall be imprisoned
against his will.

Now I don't want to have
to get ugly on this,

but my cousin,
well, he's a lawyer.

All right.

Now that's what
I'm talking about.

Good morning, Mr. Jacobs,
or can I call you Cody?

Who are are?

And what in the hell
is going on here?

Language, Cody.

Language.

What is this?

I am prefect Alexa,
the ruler of this sect,

and you were caught
trespassing in our territory.

There are no men allowed.

Why do you think I came here?

There are clear
warning beacons.

The Galactic
Alliance has honored

our desire to stay isolated.

I didn't think a little
visit would be so bad.

Is that right?

What is that?

A mob of anxious women
outside this building.

They've heard of your
arrival and would like

to see a man for themselves.

Really?

Well, bring them on.

I'm anxious to meet them.

You see, Cody.

I can't let that happen.

Leave us.

Your presence here is causing
quite a bit of a problem.

Then send me back.

It's not that simple.

If I do that, the problem
will still linger.

And what problem
would that be?

Men are a disease.

They infect us, distract
us, and generally

lower the standard of living.

Correct me if I'm
wrong, but without men

there wouldn't be any women.

It takes two to tango
if you get my drift.

Please, we perfected
successful breeding programs

eons ago.

All we need from you is
your essence of life.

We get that delivered COD.

Yeah, I can see how
horrible we are.

Is that why you can't
keep your hands off me?

I think of you as sort
of a pet, a plaything.

It's been a long time since--

never mind.

I intend to prove to
the population once

and for all exactly
how evil men are.

You don't mind, do you?

Please knock yourself out.

Thank you.

This conductor will
read your brain impulses

and transfer them to images.

We'll see what's on your mind.

My mind's an open book.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I'll be broadcasting
your brain

activity to the population.

They'll see for themselves.

Cody TV, I love it.

So Cody, what
brings you to Eros?

I was just exploring a part of
the galaxy I haven't been to.

I'm a curious guy.

I see.

So you were just in
the neighborhood,

and what are your thoughts
on our lovely planet?

It's nice.

It's a little too floral
for my taste, but it's nice.

Too floral?

Wait a minute.

I wasn't finished.

Oh, you're finished.

Tomorrow you'll be put on
trial for insurrection,

a crime punishable by death.

You can't do that.

Disgusting.

Guard, take this beast
back to his cell.

Wait a minute.

What about the kiss?

You felt that.

Hey, am I glad to see you.

I couldn't get through
to that other one.

No see, that's not
the thing to do.

Listen to me.

Could you just stop
that for a minute?

Don't do that.

Now I'm getting pissed.

You keep blabbering like
that I'll kill you sooner.

Finally, somebody
speaks to me.

Why were you in the
forbidden jungle?

Look, it's a long story, and
I don't have a lot of time here.

Could you maybe, the ropes?

Uh, no.

My name's Omar.

I'm called Becca.

Becca, that's pretty.

Becca, listen?

I don't mean to hurt anybody.

OK.

I was just in
the neighborhood.

I thought I'd come down
and check out the plant.

See this is why we don't
allow men here, because they

lie every chance they get.

OK.

OK, fine.

OK.

I came here to
try and bring back

a couple of girls
to planet Andromeda

to the serve as party girls.

Don't kill me.

Thanks.

Now strip.

Pardon me?

Well, if I'm going to
save your miserable life

I at least want to know what
I'm getting for my slave?

Slave.

Hold on a minute.

Strip or die.

Well, when you
put it like that.

You'll do.

What?

Hey, where you going?

Come on, slave.

We have to leave before
they kill us both.

What's this?

You carry.

Let's go.

This isn't what
I bargained for.

Move it.

Your Majesty.

Roxy.

Is it time for another bath?

Time for you to rule.

All right, OK.

Tell me what I need to do.

You must sit-in judgment.

When the women of our
village are in dispute

it is the king who
decides their fate.

Well, what did you
do before I got here?

We never decided our fate.

Very well.

So tell me what this
dispute is all about?

She stole my recipe.

It was a family recipe,
and I didn't still anything.

The same ingredients,
the same spices,

how could you not steal it?

It's a wonder the
women of your house

haven't dropped dead
from starvation.

She-devil.

- Witch.
- Hold it.

Hold it.

You don't need to fight.

Can't we all just
get along here.

Come on.

Recipes are very
coveted in our village.

To steal a recipe
is a high crime,

and to accuse another
falsely is also a high crime.

You people need to lighten up.

Your Majesty.

OK, I'll tell you what.

You take your recipe,
and go bake your pie.

You take your recipe,
and go bake your pie.

You both bring your
pies back here.

I'll taste it.

And who's ever is better,
that's the recipe.

You're as wise
as you are kind.

I do what I can for my people.

You're kind.

I must be dreaming.

And I am not waking
up anytime soon.

Oh, great.

It's you two.

Go away.

You got me into this.

We have never
seen a man before.

Would you mind disrobing?

Excuse me?

Could we see all of you?

We have heard stories
of extra appendages.

Hey, I do all
right for myself.

No complaints so far.

Well, we would like
to see for ourselves.

Listen, I am not a
meat puppet on display.

Buzz off.

So what did you two
do before I came?

Look.

Hey, you got me, but
you really don't--

Hey, don't you ever rest.

We've got to keep moving.

Yeah, well, how about
carrying some of this crap.

Maybe you wouldn't
be in such a hurry.

That's it.

Look lady, I'm tired.

I'm hot.

I'm thirsty.

OK, I'm not taking another step.

You know what?

Go ahead and kill me.

OK, it's going to be better
than this death march.

I wish you'd
make up your mind.

I just needed to remind myself
what I'm doing this for.

Very well.

You rest here.

I'm going to go get
us some berries.

I'll be right back.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

And that is how
you handle a woman.

That was fast, my sweet.

Ah, we've already
played this game.

You!

Thought you could escape me.

It wasn't my idea really.

Move it up.

You know since we're out,
what would be the big deal

of just like letting me go.

OK, I had this little remote
pad with a lot of little buttons

on it, kind of small, you know.

The toy is in the cave.

Well, tell you what, OK.

I get my hands on that,
I push a little button,

and I'm out of
your life for good.

What do you say, toots?

Move it.

So I can take that as a yes?

You broke our lives.

You pay the price.

I guess I'm going
to take that as a no.

All right.

All right.

Geeze.

How much further?

Quiet.

Another charmer.

How about a five minute break?

Keep moving.

Well, suppose I
can't, you know.

Suppose I just stopped.

I just need a rest
for five minutes.

You know, I'm not used
to all this walking.

I'm a space pilot.

Technology's made you weak.

No argument.

I'm a weak, pathetic
excuse for a human being.

For a man.

OK, fine, for a man, you know.

But for a society who shuns
the all the evil that men do,

you seemed as though you've
come up with just as much evil.

What do you mean?

I mean, killing somebody,
because they wandered

into your sacred jungle.

How advanced is that?

Without the threat of
death, men would be here.

And what's the crime in that?

We don't need them.

We don't want them.

Have you ever been with one?

What?

A man.

Have you ever been with a man?

No.

Well, then how do
you know we're so evil?

It is written.

Don't believe
everything you read.

Strip.

What?

Strip.

I want to see this myself.

What's a guy to do?

Trader, prepare to die.

God, will this ever end?

What is it lunchtime?

You gals cook fast.

They're ready for you to
judge them, your Majesty.

So what is this recipe anyway?

A simple, yet exquisite pie.

Pie?

All this is over a pie?

Not just any pie.

Here taste.

No, taste mine first.

Whoa, whoa, ladies please.

Let's not start that again, OK.

I have an idea.

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.

Oh my god, that is bad.

That's bad.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

That's--

OK.

Oh, that's even worse.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?

Those are inedible.

I can't-- are you
trying to kill me?

Roxy?

Roxy?

You're a false King.

What?

What are you talking about?

A real King would never allow
this in our sacred throne.

No, you're a false King.

Take him away.

Wait a second, no.

No, actually those pies were
actually pretty good actually

now that I'm thinking about it.

Can I have another bite?

We really need to
stop meeting like this.

You're causing me
quite a bit of trouble.

It's what I live for.

Too bad you won't
be living for long.

What do you mean?

I mean, I've met with
the Arrows Tribunal.

You've been found
guilty of insurrection.

Look.

If there's a fine, I'll pay it.

Just let me go, and
I'll be on my way.

The fine is your life.

Excuse me?

You're to be executed at dawn.

You can't do that.

My planet, my rules.

Just because I'm a man?

We've worked hard
in this society

not to have any
destructive forces.

And we live in
peace and harmony.

It's because there are no men
that we can accomplish this.

Oh, great.

I'm sure you'll
all be very happy.

We are.

As part of your sentence, you
are granted one final request.

Let me go.

Afraid not.

Fine, then kiss me.

I'm sorry?

Kiss me.

It's my last request.

If I'm going to die, I want
the taste of your lips on mine.

Please.

Besides what harm can it do.

You can live without men, right?

One little kiss isn't
going to change that.

It's not that--

Coward.

Pig.

You know, this
could work a lot

better if I could use my hands.

Of course.

Now are you sure you
don't want to rethink

that whole execution thing?

You're right.

I should kill you tonight.

Guard.

This man has violated me.

Prepare him for his execution.

You are one mean bitch.

Take him now.

Well, this is just great.

He's mine.

He's mine.

Ladies please, there's
enough of me to go around.

Silence

Silence.

OK.

I challenge you.

I accept.

Ow.

Ow, my hair.

Stop it.

Ow.

Bitch.

Whore.

Another man on a planet.

It's an epidemic.

He is a false prophet.

According to our laws,
he must be put to death.

And you being
such a peace loving

sect cannot possibly think of
doing such an evil-minded act.

Is that it?

You have always been the one
to govern with a firm hand.

Govern him.

But when I propose
unity, you stay away.

Don't you think that's a little
bit of a double standard?

I just don't want
to deal with the man.

He's gotten to you, hasn't he?

No, I was with them,
but it meant nothing.

Right.

Fine.

I'll handle your
dirty work for you.

You can't throw me in here.

I'm the king.

Jeter?

Is that you?

Cody?

What the hell happened?

How'd you get caught?

I don't know.

I mean, one
second I'm the kind,

and the next thing I'm in jail.

How about you?

Long story.

I'm not going anywhere.

I only hope Omar can
find us and bust us out.

Hey Omar, knows his planet.

He'll be here to rescue us.

Trust me.

I've had it.

First, you tie me up.

Then you untie me.

Then Becca takes me away.

Then Zula takes me away.

I'm sick and tired of running.

I don't know.

You want to spear me?

Go right ahead.

Take your best shot,
but I'm not going

anywhere with either of you.

We want to go with you.

We're sick and tired of
these primitive ways.

Really?

We're too stubborn to
admit it to each other.

Our tribe traveled too
far away from society.

We want to go back.

Then why don't you just
join one of the other sects

on the planet?

We miss men.

A lot.

Well, what can I say?

Once you've had a taste of
Omar, there's no going back.

Well, actually,
we think you're

an excellent lover, but--

But.

But?

We've been so
long without a man,

we have a lot of
making up to do.

I see.

You're not upset, are you?

As a matter of fact, I might
have a little proposition

for both of you.

Do one of you have that little
remote pad that I was carrying?

Excellent.

You sure you want to go back?

We're sure.

All right, give me a hug.

Come on.

It's Andromeda.

Mabel, say hi to your
two newest hostesses.

Oh, nice look.

What is this place?

Oh, don't worry.

You're safe here.

Are you hungry?

A little earthy, but
nothing a good sonic shower

couldn't clean up.

So where are the boys?

I thought they were with you.

You, mean they
haven't come back yet?

I thought I'd be
the last one here.

I was starting to think
that y'all forgot about me.

Something's not right.

I told you guys not to go
messing with that planet.

Listen, will you take
care of these two for me?

I'll go back, and
I'll find out what

happened to Cody and Jeter.

What if you don't come back.

Well, you can automatically
program this to return, right?

Sure.

OK, well, give me two hours.

Wherever I am just beam me back.

Hopefully, I'll
be with the guys.

Wish me luck.

You have food for us.

First a little shower fun.

If I'm going to get
customers back here, you two

cannot be stinking up my joint.

Excuse me, have you
seen a man around here?

Don't remind us.

Our heart is breaking.

That's got to be Cody.

If you take me to
him, I'm sure I could

put in a good word for you.

You did not understand.

He and his friend are
scheduled to be executed.

That's not good.

Can you take me to them?

You'll be captured as well.

Well, then let's make sure
that that doesn't happen, OK.

Come on.

It's too late.

But I've changed my mind.

I mean, I've
reinterpreted the laws.

It doesn't work that way.

You cannot control the way
my people live their lives.

I can when you
give me that power.

He's a man.

You shouldn't have
wasted your time.

That is my decision
to make, not yours.

It was your decision.

I'm proceeding with
the executions.

It's the only way we can
keep our planet pure.

Has it ever occurred to you
that this poison you call man

has effected all of us?

We're no better than they are,
archaic laws, idiotic rules,

punishment by death.

What kind of society is that?

An orderly one.

You are such a man.

She was just so beautiful.

I really thought we were
going to rule together.

Have you completely lost it?

We were supposed to find
party girls for the cafe.

Did you forget?

No, but we just
assumed these girls

were going to jump for us.

We didn't even think to ask.

How civilized is that?

You know, they're right.

All men are pigs.

Now I've heard everything.

Roxy.

What are you doing here?

I am so sorry for
getting you into this.

I was so arrogant.

That's OK.

You were just
following your laws.

Stupid laws.

You were right.

Jeter, who is that?

What's going on?

It's Roxy.

She's come to say goodbye.

We only have five
minutes, my love.

My love?

Don't waste time talking.

Take me.

I must leave you now.

I'm sorry I thought
of you as a concubine.

When did you think that?

I mean, that's
why we came here.

We were going to take
you back to Andromeda

and make you a party girl.

But I mean, you mean so
much more to me, and now--

It's too late.

Would this help me?

My God, where'd you get this?

It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.

Let's go.
Come on.

We can get out of here now.

I can't leave my people.

Yes, you can.

They won't miss you.
Come on.

Let's go.

I can't, but you go.

Save yourself.

That would give me
the most pleasure.

Roxy?

Go.

Jeter, what's going on?

I have the remote.

Well, let's get the
hell out of here.

I can't leave her.

You want to die?

I don't.

Forget about her.

Come on.

Widen the beam to pick me up.

Let's do it.

Roxy?

Omar, get me out of here.

OK.
OK.

Thanks.

OK, let's go.

I was never happier to see
you guys in my entire life.

Let's get out of here.

Take us with you.

I can't.

Why?

Because it's wrong.

That a boy.

But we want to be
with you and only you.

Really?

Hey, you don't get
many offers like that.

But I'm a pig.

We don't mind.

We can work on that.

I'm licked.

Sorry, sister.

That's gotta hurt.

Hit it, Jeter.

Here is to us.

Yeah, we turned
Andromeda around, man.

At least your two
girls turned it around.

There is no stopping them.

Yeah, no, I guess living in
a cave will do that to you.

Cody.

Cody.

I know that tone.

You want more credits?

There's so much
to shop for using

the Alliance internet is great.

We can get anything we
want beamed right to us.

When can you take
us to another planet?

And what's wrong
with this planet?

Well, nothing, but there's
just so much more to see.

Yeah, can we leave tomorrow.

Yes, dear.

Whatever you like.

Great.

Credits.

They certainly
domesticated you.

It was bound to
happen sooner or later,

Hey, still in the dumps?

I just can't stop
thinking about her.

I want to go back.

You know what can
happen if you do that.

It's just not fair.

Hang in there.

Hey, buy you a drink.

I got one.

Come on, buddy.

Cheer up.

I don't want to.

Why don't you ask Zula and
Becca for a little company.

I'm sure they'd be
happy to oblige.

Thanks, but no thanks.

You want to take a ride with
me and the girls tomorrow?

Nah.

You're not just going
to sit here all day?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, if you decide to come
with, you know where we're at.

Buy you a drink?

I said no thanks.

Roxy.

What are you doing here?

I guess, I couldn't
live without you.

What about your laws?

Laws are made to be rewritten.

Well, how did you get here?

Holy crap.

We have some unfinished
business, Cody.

You can't touch me here.

No?

Fine.

I'll go touch somebody else.

What?

I've decided to re-evaluate
our planet's position on men

visiting, and I figure
the only way to do that

is to see how they've evolved.

This is as good a
place to start as any.

So you want to be a hostess?

But no matter what happens,
I'm still in control.

Well.

Men, one kiss from an
incredible woman and they

turned to putty.

A constant plane in
space circling throughout time.

A never ending chase, a
search for the supply.

Catch a fleeting glance.

Split second and it's gone.

for one chance.

Obsession for.

On and on.

Oh, I'm going to find it.

On and on.

Across the milky way.

On and on.

Like a thousand light years.

On and on.

Throughout time and space,
time and space, time and space,

time and space, time and space.

Relief is overdue.

I think I'm gonna crash.

Simulation's ending.

A stimulation's past.

On and on.

Oh, I'm trying to find it.

On and on.

Across the milky way.

On and on.

Like a thousand light years.

On and on.

Throughout time and
space, time and space,

time and space, time and space,
time and space, time and space.