An Amish Sin (2022) - full transcript
An Amish teenager tries to escape the harsh lifestyle in the 18th century where she grew up to find her own voice and independence.
[rachel crying]
[man] shh.
Rachel, rachel.
It's okay.
It's okay...
It's just me.
[rachel crying]
Shh. Be still.
Shh. Rachel, rachel, rachel.
Shh.
[in german]
♪ schlaf, kindlein, schlaf ♪
♪ der vater hüt die shaf ♪
♪ die mutter
schüttelts bäumelein ♪
♪ da fällt herab
ein träumelein ♪
-Ow!
-Shh, shh, shh.
♪ schlaf, kindlein, schlaf... ♪
[man's voice echoing]
shh. Rachel.
Rachel, rachel, rachel...
[bishop] rachel albrecht,
Do you believe
In the one true, eternal,
almighty god?
Yes.
Do you believe
That jesus christ
is the only savior of mankind?
Yes.
Do you promise
To commit yourself to christ,
his word, and his church,
And to abide in the same
for the rest of your life?
Yes.
Rachel, upon confession
of your faith
And commitment to god
In front of these witnesses,
We baptize you
In the name of the father...
...And in the name of the son...
...And in the name
of the holy spirit.
May this baptism wash you clean.
♪ wondrous love ♪
♪ vast as the ocean ♪
♪ loving-kindness
as the flood ♪
♪ when the prince of life
our ransom ♪
♪ shed for us
his precious blood ♪
♪ who his love
will not remember ♪
♪ who can cease
to sing his praise ♪
♪ he can never be forgotten... ♪
[indistinct conversations]
[man] god bless you.
[nate] her name's grace.
She's an amazing photographer.
[isabel] yeah, well, anyone
who can make you look good.
You know, she was there
Just taking photos
of amish people,
But there are some mennonites
who lied to get their photo.
Put it away.
It's wrong. It's worldly.
I made a promise to god
just 20 minutes ago--
I know.
I'm sorry.
I know
how important today was.
Yeah.
[isabel] only the most important
day of your entire life.
So... Do you feel different?
I do.
I feel...
Responsible.
I don't know if I'm ready.
It's like going through a door
That you can never
go back through.
I can see my whole life now.
Family, church, god...
You can get married now.
You know what,
maybe I should get baptized.
-[laughs]
-[nate] what?
You're not done
running around yet.
You love rumspringa too much.
I do, okay?
No, you're not ready.
You love worldly things
too much.
-And you love yourself too much.
-Junky car.
If you got baptized,
You'd do something
or say something the first week
And you'd be shunned,
And then it would be
goodbye, nate.
Straight to hell.
Maybe you're right.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
You're idling.
No, it's...
-It's just that--
-what?
There's something.
Look.
It's perfect.
Those beans
are getting cold.
Yes, mem.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[bevin] dat!
Dat!
[dat] what is it, bb?
What happened?
A splinter.
Well, let's see what we can do.
Whoa. Easy now, bb.
I would never hurt you.
Never.
You know,
I once heard a story
About a little boy
Who had a splinter
in his finger,
Just like you,
And he did not take it out.
And it became an apple tree!
And when
he would clap his hands,
Apples would fall down
everywhere!
[laughs]
There! It's out!
I'll plant it
and we'll have apple pie!
Now, go on.
The unbroken thread,
my daughter.
You are now a part of it.
We have an obligation
To those who came before
and to those who come after.
"I know that the lord
will maintain
The cause of the afflicted."
"and will execute justice
for the needy."
Baptism is not the end
of something.
It is the beginning.
A marriage, a home, a family.
A man to serve.
Yes, I know.
God has a plan for you.
You don't want
to let him down.
Yes, mem.
Mem?
Do you remember
when I had scarlet fever?
Mm-hmm.
I liked that fever.
I liked the way
Everything swam around
and changed color.
I wasn't scared.
I tried to tell you.
Do you remember?
I still look for
That fever beauty
in this world.
And sometimes, just--
Sometimes, I see it
and it makes me cry.
Genesis, exodus,
leviticus, numbers...
[man] hello.
Does anyone live here?
Iddo! Uncle iddo's here!
[iddo] I'm looking for lucas!
[iddo laughs]
ha-hah! There he is!
Where's your brother?
Come, come, come!
Oh, you're so strong now.
[mem] rachel! Rachel!
[iddo] look what I brought.
Don't show your dad.
[mem] uncle iddo is here!
[iddo] and now
I'm behind this truck--
And the driver's
giving me the wave.
He wants me to pass him!
And I'm shouting,
"hello! I'm driving a horse!"
[laughing]
A tired horse!
Rachel.
Rachel, say hello
to your uncle iddo.
Hello.
He brought you a present.
[iddo whispers] do you want
to give it for me?
Come on, open it!
[iddo] forgive me for missing
your baptism, rachel.
I had an emergency at the shop
and I just couldn't get away.
I'll always regret
Not seeing you enter
the kingdom of heaven.
Seeing you reach your hand
from one world into the next.
That flower will wither
in a few days,
But your soul will shine forever
in the eyes of heaven.
You made god happy today.
Amen.
[mem] are you spending
the night?
[iddo] no. I wanted to stop by.
Such an important day.
But I have to be
at the shop in the morning.
Come on, uncle iddo!
Please stay!
[iddo] another time!
Please! Please!
I promise!
-Bye!
-Goodbye!
-Bye, uncle iddo!
Come back soon!
Bye, uncle iddo!
[iddo] be good to your mem.
And don't forget
to say your prayers.
I'll be checking next week.
I'll see you then.
[boy] we'll miss you.
[iddo] okay, goodbye.
[boy] bye, uncle iddo!
Bishop.
Neighbors.
I...
I need to confess a sin.
I had...
I was inappropriate...
With my daughter's friend,
anna lapp.
Several times.
In our house.
I was weak...
...And I fell.
I recognize
the error of my ways
And...
I accept your judgement.
This transgression
cannot go unpunished.
As always,
We look to the words
of jesus christ for guidance.
We also look
into our own hearts
And ask ourselves,
"who are we?
What do we stand for?
What is it that sets us apart?"
As the lord has forgiven you,
So you must also forgive.
Anna, can you find it
in your heart
To forgive this man?
I forgive you.
[bishop] if this young woman
Can find forgiveness
in her heart,
Then we have no choice
But to follow her
toward the grace of god.
Malachi stoltzfus,
You will be put on proving
for six weeks.
If we are satisfied
As to the earnestness
of your penance,
You will be forgiven.
You may sit.
I think malachi did well.
Poor girl.
But she probably tempted him.
Daughters of eve.
[tour guide giving a tour
on the amish community]
Have fun in hell!
It's okay.
I know it's...
Isn't iddo a bit old for her?
Leah was the youngest.
Only 25
when she was in the accident.
And iddo's what... Only 35?
Of course, we would not
mention it to her
Without your approval.
He's a good man, though.
You're right about that.
He's already
part of the family.
He's good to everyone.
Such a big heart.
He's doing very well
in his furniture business.
And iddo is healthy.
They could have
a big family.
Eight, ten...
He's a sober
and responsible man.
And there's something else.
The way he looks at her.
He likes her.
Sara, don't presume.
You do not know what is
in someone else's heart.
I know him.
We can't force this.
We can only suggest it.
Of course,
But rachel is a practical girl
and she respects your opinion.
It is her choice.
Of course.
We know that.
Thank you, bishop.
God, I need you right now.
You need to help me.
I can't do this.
[♪♪]
[mem moans]
[mem moans]
[rachel] mem!
Mem, are you--
are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine.
-Do you need water or something?
-Yes, some water.
Okay.
I'm-I'm just tired.
Mem, I don't think you look
like you're doing okay.
I'm fine, liebchen.
Okay.
Here.
Now you're taking care of me.
It's funny.
I'm feeling better.
My mother used to get these.
She would have to sit down
And everybody
would take care of her.
She used to call them
her little vacations.
Mem...
I need to talk to you
about something.
What is it?
It's about iddo.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
He's... He's here.
What?
He came over.
He's spending the night.
Where is he?
Do you know he fixed that chair
in the living room.
-One, two, three.
-Where is he now?
He's upstairs
putting bevin to sleep.
[iddo, singing] ♪ die mutter
schüttelts bäumelein ♪
♪ da fällt herab
ein träumelein ♪
♪ schlaf, kindlein, schlaf ♪
♪ der vater hüt die shaf ♪
Shh.
We've hardly had a chance
to talk since your baptism.
I've always had a special place
in my heart for you.
You know
you can always count on me.
Right, rachel?
Yes.
Everyone's watching.
You can't make a mistake.
You don't want them to know
who you really are.
The way you've tempted me.
Can you imagine what they'd say
if they saw us?
You want me
to keep your secrets.
Let me take care of you...
The way I've always done.
I know the wicked thoughts
of your black little heart.
I see you the way
no one else does.
You're broken, rachel.
A filthy, broken, ugly child.
[mem] iddo! Chocolate's ready!
The kind you love!
I can save you.
[♪♪]
[eli] have you been
drinking the tea?
Morning and evening.
There are tests, sara.
We can take you into town.
Levi wouldn't like that.
I really am doing much better.
This is the fifth child
you've lost?
Forgive me, sara,
if I've embarrassed you.
Why can't I have
any more children, eli?
[door opening]
Hello, eli.
Levi.
We have two boys here who think
teasing animals is funny.
So...
[rachel] bevin,
Did uncle iddo put you to bed
the other night?
[bevin] yes.
[rachel] what did he do?
[bevin] what do you mean?
[rachel] I don't know.
Was he nice?
[bevin] iddo's always nice.
I mean, did he, like,
I don't know.
What did he do?
He told me a story
and sang me a song.
What was the story?
It was about
this bad little girl
Who didn't obey
and got punished forever.
[congregation singing]
♪ by his passion we can plead ♪
♪ god has born
all mortal anguish ♪
♪ surely
he will know our need. ♪
♪ amen ♪
I think I'm failing.
I have thoughts.
All women do.
I'm not in god's grace.
You will find your way back.
I tempted iddo.
I don't know what do to, mem.
I'm so wicked.
Marry him.
Mem?
And then he will be your husband
And it will be all right
in god's eyes.
Not that.
I couldn't.
Rachel,
A woman makes choices
And they are always hard.
We want things we can't have.
We make plans
that will never happen.
We accept and we submit
And we build our ladder
to heaven.
We do things
behind closed doors
That...
Trim your wick, daughter.
Cut away what is charred
and defiled
So that your flame can be
clean and clear and steady.
They are done.
It's late.
What are you doing out here?
I love the lilacs.
Your mother planted those.
One for each of the children.
They bloom for a few days
and then they're gone.
Did you leave
that lantern in the barn?
[rachel] no.
Well, burn the place down
that way.
I'll get it, dat.
You're a good girl, rachel.
[barn door opening]
I didn't mean to scare you.
Please stay.
Will you help me
collect some eggs?
That's all I want.
I promise.
That's it.
A few more, please.
Bring them to me.
Rachel...
...This one's cracked.
I want you to ask me for it.
[sobbing]
Rachel.
Rachel?
What happened?
It was iddo!
Iddo?
Where is he?
He... He...
What?
What did he do?
I feel so dirty.
He ripped my dress open,
But I think I can sew it.
Dat...
He did that to me.
He did that to me, dat.
Did you tempt him?
What?
You tempted him.
What...
What?
Your mother told me.
No...
You must understand
that I do not do this in anger.
Dat...
I am in control
of my emotions and my thoughts.
[sobbing]
"he that spareth his rod
hateth his son..."
Dat...
"...But he who loveth him
chasteneth him promptly."
Come to me, child.
[♪♪]
What did you say to him?
-[whipping]
-[sobbing]
What did you show him?
-[sobbing]
-[whipping]
-What did you do?
-[sobbing]
What did you do?
[isabel] run away?
Where would you go?
I don't know.
Somewhere.
You need money.
How would you
support yourself?
I can sell things.
Someone will give me a job.
I can count change.
I can do that.
[nate] okay.
What about rent, or groceries?
Or getting around?
Everything costs money
out there.
You have no idea.
There's money in the house.
The fruit money.
You're going to steal ?
I don't know.
I have to get out.
I have to think.
What if you got sick?
Or something happened to you?
I'm not going to get sick.
[isabel] you'll be shunned.
Hey, do you want
to give up your family?
I don't know
what else to do.
People here
help each other.
Out there,
There's not going to be
anyone to protect you.
There's no one
to protect me here.
Was it really so bad?
Please help me.
Okay.
I have a friend who might
let you stay at her place.
Grace, the photographer.
I'll call her and set it up.
When do you want to go?
Now. Tonight.
[♪♪]
Mem?
[♪♪]
Oh, rachel, I need you
to run to the store for me.
I need flour, sugar, cinnamon,
and some coffee.
The donnermeyers
are coming over
And I'm going to make
my sour cream cake.
We're not running a tab
there anymore.
Your father doesn't like debt.
Yes, mem.
Rachel...
You've--
You've just not
been yourself lately.
I know that.
You're going to be spending
more time at church now.
I think it's time
we make you a new dress.
People notice.
Yes, mem.
[♪♪]
[woman] oh! Rachel albrecht,
what's your secret?
I'm sorry, what?
I heard you got top marks
in your bible class.
Oh. Yes.
Thank you.
I expect you'll be joining
the wanderers now.
Yes. I'd like to.
You know we've been needing
another soprano.
Tuesday night.
You know where.
All right.
Thank you.
Rachel?
Yes?
It's good
to have you among us.
What are you doing?
What's this?
I was wondering
What it would be like
if I had a watch,
To tell what time it is.
I forgot to wash it off.
You have to be careful.
Mem and dat wouldn't like this.
It's jewelry. It's vain.
I know.
I forgot.
You can't forget anymore.
You're a big girl now.
Okay.
You can't let anyone
be mean to you
Or treat you bad ever again.
Okay?
Who's going
to treat me bad?
People.
Why?
I love you, little bb.
You're squeezing me.
Sorry.
Rachel?
What time is it?
It's late.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
Isabel.
What are you doing here?
[isabel] I'm sorry.
[♪♪]
Child...
[rachel wails]
[sobbing]
Let us help you, child.
[bishop]
we're taking you to a place
Where they help girls
who've lost their way.
Everything can be forgiven
in time.
Rachel.
Welcome to bright haven.
We are so happy
that you've come to join us.
Would you please
remove your shoes?
Life skills
from 5:00 a.M. Until to 7:00.
We take you through harvest
all the way to canning.
And then bible study
from 7:30 until noon.
Then lunch.
And then bible study
from 1:00 p.M. Until 5:00.
Yeah.
And then from 5:00 until 5:30,
free time.
We like to think of this
as our--
As our house of love.
We want to help you prepare
For your roles
As wives and mothers
in the world
And instill values
That will admit you
into the kingdom of heaven.
Our goal is to fill your heart
with light
And the joy that can be found
in the divine love of god.
Only girls accompanied by staff
can leave the building.
Rooms are locked at 7:00 p.M.
"wives, be subject
to your husbands,
As to the lord,
Without spot or wrinkle
or any such thing,
That you might be holy
and without blemish.
For the husband
is head of the wife
As christ
is head of the church."
Now, this is our struggle.
The individual.
The unsatisfied mind.
God has given us rules.
All that we need to do
is follow them without question.
God is judging our every move,
our every thought.
I know that each one of you
has sinned,
Even in your tiniest,
most private moment.
Perhaps spending
a little too much time
In front of the mirror,
For a split second thinking
that you might be pretty.
You are not pretty.
You are vain and weak.
You are wicked and dirty.
You disappoint god
a million times every day
With your carnal thoughts
and your dark desires.
You have forgotten
that god loves you.
Seven o'clock!
Be at peace!
She's not that bad, you know.
She's helped a lot of girls.
She understands what it's like.
I think she had
some trouble in her past.
I heard she was married.
I heard he died.
No, no, she ran away,
Then came back,
and then he died.
I ran away.
Or I tried to.
We all did.
That's why we're here.
Not me.
I stayed.
I tempted my cousin
And then I tried
to blame it on him.
What did he do?
It's what I did.
I told everyone about us.
I guess I...
Thought I deserved
to be heard.
Anyway, what good
is running away?
Where would we go?
Who would want us?
[girl] they don't open.
I just wanted to get some air.
It's so we're not tempted.
It only gets
really bad in here in August.
How long have you been here?
This is my third time.
[ruth] he would say,
"you're not trying hard enough,"
And...
"your brain
looks like a messy closet,"
And that I should clean it up.
If he ever spoke to me.
Thank you, ruth.
Rachel, what would god
say to you?
He would say...
"why, rachel?"
"why can't you just be good?"
He would say...
"why do I waste my time
with you?"
"all you do
is make the wrong choices."
"now you get
what you deserve...
...Nothing."
♪ all things
wise and wonderful ♪
♪ the lord god
made them all ♪
♪ each little flower
that opens... ♪
Rachel.
We've come to visit you.
If you do not want
to speak to me,
At least speak to your mother.
♪ all things
bright and beautiful ♪
♪ all creatures
great and small ♪
♪ all things
wise and wonderful ♪
♪ the lord god
made them all ♪
He hasn't eaten in three weeks.
He's living in shame
over what you did.
Just look at him.
I'm sorry.
Do you know we might be
asked to leave the church?
Do you know what hell is?
It's pain and regret
for eternity.
You have brought us
all to the brink, rachel.
Accept your life.
I accepted mine.
Find your way, rachel.
They will help you here,
And then when you come home,
Everything can go back
to the way it was.
But, mem, iddo...
[mary]
careful with the roots there.
You want to make sure
That you've got
the whole package
Before you put it
into the earth.
The roots are so strong
and yet they are so fragile.
Those rows are not straight.
[mary continues, indistinct]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[mary continues, indistinct]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[horse hooves clopping]
[♪♪]
[horns honking]
[barking]
Carl, listen to me.
You're not going to hang
any of my photos
Unless I am standing
in that gallery,
Pointing to where
I want them to be hung.
Well, don't give me
"that's how they do it."
That's not how I do it--
you know that.
[coffee grinder whirring]
but you remember what--
You remember what happened
at drexel, right?
Yeah, exactly.
It was not fine.
It wasn't fine at all.
You even said that.
The eyeline was wrong,
the storytelling was wr--
Wrong.
Oh!
No, I'm still here.
No, my boyfriend just--
You know what, never mind.
Don't do anything without me...
There.
Can you--
carl, hold on a second.
Don't hang up.
Is that...
Hey! Hey!
Are you nate's friend?
Hey, are you...
Are you rachel?
-Yeah?
-Yes.
Hey, you made it.
Give me one second.
Not the best of neighborhoods.
I was kind of expecting you,
like, three weeks ago.
I gave up on you.
I'm sorry.
Is it okay that I'm here?
Yeah, of course.
Welcome to the grace place!
Oh.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I...
You know what--
-No, really--
-no, listen, it's me.
I can be
very overbearing sometimes.
How about we start
all over, okay?
Okay.
My name is grace,
And, uh...
...Welcome to my home.
Come in.
Okay.
Come in.
Carl, are you still there?
Great.
Tell them to wait for me
until I get there, okay?
Okay, great.
Well, then I will see you
tomorrow.
Yeah. Okay, great.
Yeah. Bye.
Alexa, play something cool.
[cool jazz music plays]
Yeah.
[jazz music playing]
[sirens wailing]
[coffee grinder whirring]
Everything here
makes so much noise.
I'm not used to it.
Well, gosh, toto,
we're not in kansas anymore.
No, I'm from here,
in pennsylvania.
Yeah--
It's--
Never mind.
This is so kind.
I'm sorry--
I didn't know where to go,
Or what was next, or--
If I should even
come here, and--
Don't worry about it.
You can stay here until
you get yourself set up, okay?
I've got an extra bedroom--
More of a storage closet.
I'm afraid we're going
to have to share a bathroom
Because my landlord refuses
to fix the other one.
I can grab you a tap card...
Maybe some new clothes,
And...
Oh, my god,
do you have no shoes?
No. I had to leave them.
Do you have anything?
Okay, yeah. You know what,
don't worry about it.
I got stuff you can borrow.
Um...
And...
I can help you get a job.
I've got some friends
That can give you
some gig work.
Do you have
a social security card?
No.
I.D.? Like a passport?
State I.D.?
Oh, hey, hey.
Listen. We don't have to do
anything today, okay?
Why don't you take a seat?
Drink coffee,
Talk...
...Or not.
Listen, man, just do whatever
feels comfortable, okay?
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Oh, my.
-What?
This is the best thing
That I've ever tasted
in my whole life.
Hey, hey.
[sirens wailing]
[rachel gasping]
[cleve] you scared
the shit out of me!
[grace] babe, what's going--
Oh, shoot, get back in here!
Put your pants on.
Rachel, are you okay?
Yes.
[grace] that was just
my boyfriend, cleve.
Babe, say hi.
[cleve] hi, rachel.
Hi, cleve.
[cleve] nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
[cleve] I'm coming
out of the bedroom.
I'm walking down the hall.
I'm fully dressed.
I'm here.
Hi.
Let's...
Let's make this
our first official meeting.
I'm cleve.
I'm rachel.
So we're good?
Yes, cleve, we're good.
All right.
Can I make you something to eat?
I can do it, it's--
No, no.
You sit.
I got this.
Are you sure? I--
I live for this.
When you taste this,
You are going to have
a mouth orgasm.
[whispers]
a mouth orgasm?
And under any circumstances,
Do not let grace cook for you.
Anything she makes
tastes like dryer lint.
Dryer lint?
You're kind of
fresh off the truck, aren't you?
Kind of.
So you cook?
Yeah.
I do everything around here.
I'm the neat one.
Grace...
Grace is a slob.
Look at this place.
I mean,
no organizational skills.
Never rinses a dish,
Just leaves it out in the open
Like I'm expected
to clean up after her.
I hate that.
Yeah. The food gets stuck on
and it gets all crusty.
And then you have to work
twice as hard.
I think we're gonna
get along great.
I mean...
You already know more about me
than most people.
Alexa, play something
to wake me up.
[pop music plays]
Well, good morning, sunshine.
[♪♪]
Careful.
So, I think these will fit.
What do you think?
No. I couldn't.
Oh, I know it's not exactly
the height of fashion.
I just keep them around
for the models.
You don't understand.
I can't take off my--
Don't worry. I can just go
into the other room.
No, it's not that.
My dress, my kapp ,
It's a conversation
between me and god.
Oh, I didn't realize.
It wouldn't matter
anyway, though.
Why?
I'd still be ugly.
[sighs]
Wow.
They really did a number
on you, didn't they?
Look, um...
Nate...
Didn't tell me why
you were coming to stay with me.
As a survivor,
I can only assume
that someone was hurting you.
Someone you knew.
Someone you trusted.
Did someone hurt you, rachel?
You don't understand.
No, I do.
I really, really do.
Do you know
that I hate cinnamon?
I can't stand
the smell of it.
Mem was baking
in the kitchen
And the house
smelled of cinnamon.
I sat at the table
coloring with the other kids.
Uncle iddo sat next to me.
It was daytime.
There were people around,
but he didn't care.
He reached under the table.
It hurt,
But I couldn't let anyone know
what was happening.
I was so afraid.
Afraid it was my fault.
How old were you?
Eight.
That was the first time.
You are out of there now
and you are never going back.
You have a new life here.
I'm going to make it happen
for you, I promise.
Do you think so?
I know so.
I don't think that can work.
Why not?
I want to go home.
Why?
Because it's home.
[knocking on door]
[woman narrator on tv]
after six years,
Will this top predator
recognize his friend?
Come here, you sexy amish boy!
Uh...
This one's homesick.
...An alpha male
breaks through the others.
He hesitates, then...
-Hey.
-Wait.
Watch how he lets the lion
jump on him.
The lion loves him.
They're friends.
...Six years melt away,
And once again,
this 600-pound--
I talked to your parents today.
How are they?
Yeah.
They talked to me
About how shunning
is the final act of love,
And...
They want me to bring you back
so they can show you it.
How are bevin and the twins?
Bevin thinks you're working.
How do I live?
Nobody knows me, and I...
I don't have a family anymore.
I'm like those people
on the screen--
Moving and talking,
but trapped behind glass.
But you're not alone.
You don't know.
I mean, you can go back.
You still have a choice.
I'm living with strangers.
I don't understand
half the things they say.
-Rachel--
-no, nate, you have to go.
This is too hard.
I can't do this.
Okay.
Will you at least walk me out?
I'm sorry.
Thank you for coming today.
It's okay.
I wanted to come.
God's gonna look after you
no matter what you do, rachel.
I believe that.
I want to believe that.
You know, I don't think
I've ever had the chance
to say this,
But...
I admire you, rachel.
I really do.
Have you ever been
to the ocean before?
No.
Why?
My mother talked about it
sometimes,
But I don't think
she's actually been.
It seems like a place
where you can really breathe.
Where you can feel right.
Hmm.
You know,
I've been thinking about it,
I don't think I'm going
to get baptized after all.
Really?
Yeah.
Keep my options open.
Good night, rachel.
Good night, nate.
[♪♪]
[rachel] I'm coming
out of the bedroom.
Going to the bathroom.
[knocking]
[grace] almost done.
Grace, I...
I can't keep living
off of your generosity.
Eating your food and everything.
[grace] so you'll work for me.
What do you want me to do?
[grace] well, actually,
I'm starting
a big project tomorrow.
You'll help.
I'll show you what to do.
It'll be really interesting.
Okay.
Thank you.
[grace] mm-hmm.
Name and address.
Contact information here.
Don't forget to sign
the release form.
There's instructions
On how to sign up
for the download account.
That's how you'll get
your pictures.
[grace] hey, everyone.
I just wanted to say
Thank you so much
for participating
And for your trust.
So, this is what it's about.
As you know,
I've been photographing people
the world sees as a group,
And I want to humanize
the individual.
You know, whether you're trans,
or black,
Or amish,
Or an immigrant,
I want to know who you are.
You know,
I learned a long time ago
That portrait is a dialogue,
So tell me,
How do you want
the world to see you?
Gorgeous.
Yeah, stay there,
stay there, stay there.
I need to get real close.
I need to get real close.
[shutter clicking]
And how do you think
the world actually sees you?
We're not getting any younger.
[rachel] you know
this isn't easy for me.
[grace] yeah, well, sometimes,
You just gotta rip
the band-aid off.
[rachel] I don't know
what that means.
I'm coming out of the bedroom.
I'm walking down the hallway.
I'm coming into the living-room.
I...
I've never had
trousers on before.
Is this a mistake?
It feels like it.
Do I look stupid?
One thing...
I'll do it.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
You...
Are so beautiful.
I could cry.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
What do I think about?
[grace]
think about who you are.
My mother once said
you're not yourself.
And she was right.
I don't know
What it would feel like
to be myself.
Or who that would even be.
[grace] someone strong.
Brave.
[camera shutter clicks]
[click]
[knocking on door]
[grace] chin up.
[cleve] it's nate.
Don't let him in!
[cleve] hey, come in.
How's it going, nate?
[nate] uh...
Is everything okay?
Rachel? Is that you?
M'lady.
But don't come opening night.
Come on, like, the second week
when we work out all the kinks.
I get one free comp,
So you guys are gonna
have to fight it out
Or come on different days,
You know?
[grace] ahem.
Ah. Um, so,
Good night.
Hello.
[grace] I learned
a new tune today.
[cleve] did you?
[grace]
staying in the bedroom!
What?
Nothing.
Um...
I got a job today.
-You did?
-Mm-hmm.
I park cars.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's good.
People just--
They tip me.
I've wanted to do that
for a while.
Me too.
I think--
I think we should--
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
Nate, no.
Hey...
Hey.
I love you, rachel.
-I love you.
-Please.
Please.
Stop.
It's okay, it's okay.
Nate! I said, no!
[glass shatters]
No, nate.
I said, no.
[grace] hey.
Is everything all right?
Yeah, yeah, we were just--
I was asking rachel.
Good night, nate.
I'm sorry.
[♪♪]
[grace] I mean, they're the most
honest subjects our there.
They don't actually pose,
they just--
-They just exist, right?
-Yeah.
Hey, rachel.
Looks like one of your peeps.
[chuckles]
he looks lost.
Might need your help.
-Hey...
-You okay?
Do you--do you know him?
Okay.
I'll be right back.
[grace] is that him?
Okay.
[♪♪]
What did he say?
Rachel, your mom's
in the hospital.
She's very sick.
She's asking for you.
[pa announcement]
dr. Thompson to radiology.
Dr. Thompson to radiology.
[man] excuse me, nurse?
Which room is she in?
Dat, which room?
[monitor beeping]
I know you don't want
to talk to me.
I don't blame you.
I know when I left,
it caused you a lot of pain.
That probably made you sicker.
Remember when I told you
about that fever beauty?
How you can see things in a way
That are so...
Clear and shocking
And...
Right?
That's you, mem.
That's the part of you
that is in me.
I know you're supposed
to shun me right now...
And I know it's out of love.
But I'm going to stay here
And I'm going
to take care of you
Until you're better.
I will make it up to you,
I promise.
Rachel...
What is it, mem?
I see you.
I'm sorry.
I can change--
I see...
...Who you are.
Strong...
...And true.
You are the best of us.
You are the one who can fly.
It was never your fault.
Never.
None of it.
Rachel...
...The sea...
Knows.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
♪ this world is not my home ♪
♪ I'm just a-passing through ♪
♪ my treasures are laid up
somewhere beyond the blue ♪
♪ the angels beckon me
from heaven's open door ♪
♪ and I can't feel at home
in this world anymore ♪
♪ o lord, you know
I have no friend like you ♪
♪ if heaven's not my home
then, lord, what will I do? ♪
♪ the angels beckon me
from heaven's open door ♪
♪ and I can't feel at home
in this world anymore ♪
♪ they're all expecting me ♪
♪ and that's one thing I know ♪
♪ my savior pardoned me
and now I onward go ♪
♪ I know he'll take me through
though I am weak and poor ♪
♪ and I can't feel at home
in this world anymore ♪
I weep for you, rachel.
Thank you.
It is you who have died.
You we have buried today.
I'll pray for you, rachel.
Pray that you find
your way back to god.
Pray that it's not too late.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[dat] thank you, ladies.
That was wonderful.
[bishop's wife]
I'll put the lamb up.
They can have that
for supper tonight.
Rachel, where did
your mother keep--
Oh. I'll find it.
[bishop's wife] I think
we brought too much bread.
I'll take some loaves home
and bring fresh on Wednesday.
[woman] sara's canning
was always so organized.
She was a wonderful mother
to her children.
I will miss her.
I remember when my mother died.
There was so much
I wish I had done for her.
It took me many years
to forgive myself
And realize...
I had done my best.
Mothers and daughters--
It's always bumpy
And the conversation
is always left unfinished.
I think about friends
Who will reach out their hands
and their hearts to me,
No matter what I've done.
Always there with guidance
when we need them.
In these difficult times.
Amen.
Children, go upstairs.
Yes, dat.
Rachel, sit down.
Here with me.
Much has changed
since we last spoke.
Many things have...
Happened.
We have...
We have both made choices
that we will have to live with.
I spoke with the bishop.
You may be forgiven.
You must earn your way
back into the church.
It will be hard work,
but it can be done...
...And we can live together
again in the sight of god.
You will find
a nice young man in church...
...Someone to care for,
And it needn't be iddo.
Bevin and the boys
need their sister.
This house
needs to be cared for.
Stay with us, rachel.
Here...
You are loved.
Dat says I'm not
supposed to talk to you.
I know.
But I guess
I'm already talking.
I guess so.
What are you doing?
I'm looking through
mem's hope chest.
It was a gift
for her 16th birthday,
And she put things in it
For the day she'd be married.
Things she'd need.
[bevin]
so it's full of her hope?
Yes.
Full of her hope.
Bevin, do you know why I left?
Because I did something wrong.
What?
No. Why would you think that?
I don't know.
Oh, bevin!
You did nothing wrong.
You are perfect.
Then why did you go?
Hope, I guess.
[bevin] look, it's mem!
She looks so beautiful.
Did she make this?
[rachel] all the things
she dreamed about.
All the things
she could have been.
"the sea knows"
The sea knows.
[rachel, reading]
"in the countless blue drops
Of her restless heart
In the splash and the salt
She knows the possibilities
of each and every drop
Who they are
And how they magnify
each other
How they keep
their secrets..."
"the sea knows everything
Except herself."
Mem was a poet and an artist
All these years ago.
But why did she stop?
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
♪ through the floodgates
of god's mercy ♪
♪ flowed a vast
and gracious tide ♪
♪ grace and love
like mighty rivers ♪
♪ poured incessant from above ♪
♪ heaven's peace
and perfect justice ♪
♪ kissed a guilty world
in love ♪
Bishop.
I know I have no voice in here,
but I have a confession.
I need a place to talk to god
And a place
to maybe find some hope.
I've been told there's a chance
for me to come back,
And...
...Maybe you'll find it
in your heart
To allow me to speak.
Please. Come in, rachel.
I have been weak...
And selfish.
I have made a lot of mistakes.
I need your help
to get right with god.
I believe what I've learned
in this church.
"I know that the lord
Will maintain
the cause of the afflicted
And will execute justice
for the needy."
I've learned that in here
and at home.
It's a good lesson.
That's why I love this church.
I'm confessing a sin.
I ran away in secret,
And it was cowardly,
And...
It's a sin that goes against
everything that I was taught.
So I will tell you now
That I am...
I'm leaving the church
And my family and my home.
And it will break my heart
And it will be lonely
and difficult,
But I will do it
with my head held high.
It is the only way
I can take responsibility
for what I believe.
Rachel! Be still!
I will not be still!
I came to you for protection
And you beat me.
You have nothing to say to me.
I will miss you
every day of my life,
But I do not trust you.
You destroyed that trust.
I have learned something else.
Something my mother
has taught me.
I think I'm starting
to understand who I am.
There's this other rachel
who needs my protection.
Who needs a safe place to grow.
No matter how hard that is...
I have to give her a chance.
And one other thing.
I'm not gone for good.
I will be visiting.
And if I hear that anyone
touched my little sister...
Or was...
"inappropriate"
with any other woman...
...I will have
the police here so fast,
You won't know what hit you.
Rachel!
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[nate] how long
Do you think you're going
to stay at grace's?
She'll let me stay
until I find a job.
Maybe we could
park cars together?
I don't think so.
Why not?
I got fired.
You'll find another job.
Look, rachel,
I'm just going to move
back in with my parents.
Things aren't working out
for me out there,
So I'm just gonna start
my baptism classes.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah.
Where are we going?
There's something
I want you to do.
I think you...
I think...
You know what,
There's something
you need to do.
For you.
Um...
I don't think I'm going
to see you after today.
I understand.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
Give her a minute.
Show them who you are.
[rachel, writing]
dear bevin,
What do you think
of the drawings I sent you?
I think I'm getting better
every day,
But...
I have a long way to go.
[children laughing]
Got you!
[girl] okay, ready?
You're it!
[rachel] it's time.
[bevin] okay.
[rachel] I'm not gone
for good, you know?
I'm going to visit.
[bevin] I know.
But, bevin,
I want you to know that--
I know all this stuff.
Don't worry.
Here.
It's you.
[♪♪]
[rachel, writing]
I'm finding that mem was right.
The sea knows.
It knows
how to be calm and sure.
It knows when to be fierce.
It knows where it belongs.
I think maybe
I can learn from it.
I'm trying anyway.
Mem would like that.
I'm so excited
That you're coming
to visit me next week.
I'll show you where I live.
I'll take you to the beach,
And we'll walk,
and we'll swim...
...And we'll see
what happens next.
All my love, me.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[man] shh.
Rachel, rachel.
It's okay.
It's okay...
It's just me.
[rachel crying]
Shh. Be still.
Shh. Rachel, rachel, rachel.
Shh.
[in german]
♪ schlaf, kindlein, schlaf ♪
♪ der vater hüt die shaf ♪
♪ die mutter
schüttelts bäumelein ♪
♪ da fällt herab
ein träumelein ♪
-Ow!
-Shh, shh, shh.
♪ schlaf, kindlein, schlaf... ♪
[man's voice echoing]
shh. Rachel.
Rachel, rachel, rachel...
[bishop] rachel albrecht,
Do you believe
In the one true, eternal,
almighty god?
Yes.
Do you believe
That jesus christ
is the only savior of mankind?
Yes.
Do you promise
To commit yourself to christ,
his word, and his church,
And to abide in the same
for the rest of your life?
Yes.
Rachel, upon confession
of your faith
And commitment to god
In front of these witnesses,
We baptize you
In the name of the father...
...And in the name of the son...
...And in the name
of the holy spirit.
May this baptism wash you clean.
♪ wondrous love ♪
♪ vast as the ocean ♪
♪ loving-kindness
as the flood ♪
♪ when the prince of life
our ransom ♪
♪ shed for us
his precious blood ♪
♪ who his love
will not remember ♪
♪ who can cease
to sing his praise ♪
♪ he can never be forgotten... ♪
[indistinct conversations]
[man] god bless you.
[nate] her name's grace.
She's an amazing photographer.
[isabel] yeah, well, anyone
who can make you look good.
You know, she was there
Just taking photos
of amish people,
But there are some mennonites
who lied to get their photo.
Put it away.
It's wrong. It's worldly.
I made a promise to god
just 20 minutes ago--
I know.
I'm sorry.
I know
how important today was.
Yeah.
[isabel] only the most important
day of your entire life.
So... Do you feel different?
I do.
I feel...
Responsible.
I don't know if I'm ready.
It's like going through a door
That you can never
go back through.
I can see my whole life now.
Family, church, god...
You can get married now.
You know what,
maybe I should get baptized.
-[laughs]
-[nate] what?
You're not done
running around yet.
You love rumspringa too much.
I do, okay?
No, you're not ready.
You love worldly things
too much.
-And you love yourself too much.
-Junky car.
If you got baptized,
You'd do something
or say something the first week
And you'd be shunned,
And then it would be
goodbye, nate.
Straight to hell.
Maybe you're right.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
You're idling.
No, it's...
-It's just that--
-what?
There's something.
Look.
It's perfect.
Those beans
are getting cold.
Yes, mem.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[bevin] dat!
Dat!
[dat] what is it, bb?
What happened?
A splinter.
Well, let's see what we can do.
Whoa. Easy now, bb.
I would never hurt you.
Never.
You know,
I once heard a story
About a little boy
Who had a splinter
in his finger,
Just like you,
And he did not take it out.
And it became an apple tree!
And when
he would clap his hands,
Apples would fall down
everywhere!
[laughs]
There! It's out!
I'll plant it
and we'll have apple pie!
Now, go on.
The unbroken thread,
my daughter.
You are now a part of it.
We have an obligation
To those who came before
and to those who come after.
"I know that the lord
will maintain
The cause of the afflicted."
"and will execute justice
for the needy."
Baptism is not the end
of something.
It is the beginning.
A marriage, a home, a family.
A man to serve.
Yes, I know.
God has a plan for you.
You don't want
to let him down.
Yes, mem.
Mem?
Do you remember
when I had scarlet fever?
Mm-hmm.
I liked that fever.
I liked the way
Everything swam around
and changed color.
I wasn't scared.
I tried to tell you.
Do you remember?
I still look for
That fever beauty
in this world.
And sometimes, just--
Sometimes, I see it
and it makes me cry.
Genesis, exodus,
leviticus, numbers...
[man] hello.
Does anyone live here?
Iddo! Uncle iddo's here!
[iddo] I'm looking for lucas!
[iddo laughs]
ha-hah! There he is!
Where's your brother?
Come, come, come!
Oh, you're so strong now.
[mem] rachel! Rachel!
[iddo] look what I brought.
Don't show your dad.
[mem] uncle iddo is here!
[iddo] and now
I'm behind this truck--
And the driver's
giving me the wave.
He wants me to pass him!
And I'm shouting,
"hello! I'm driving a horse!"
[laughing]
A tired horse!
Rachel.
Rachel, say hello
to your uncle iddo.
Hello.
He brought you a present.
[iddo whispers] do you want
to give it for me?
Come on, open it!
[iddo] forgive me for missing
your baptism, rachel.
I had an emergency at the shop
and I just couldn't get away.
I'll always regret
Not seeing you enter
the kingdom of heaven.
Seeing you reach your hand
from one world into the next.
That flower will wither
in a few days,
But your soul will shine forever
in the eyes of heaven.
You made god happy today.
Amen.
[mem] are you spending
the night?
[iddo] no. I wanted to stop by.
Such an important day.
But I have to be
at the shop in the morning.
Come on, uncle iddo!
Please stay!
[iddo] another time!
Please! Please!
I promise!
-Bye!
-Goodbye!
-Bye, uncle iddo!
Come back soon!
Bye, uncle iddo!
[iddo] be good to your mem.
And don't forget
to say your prayers.
I'll be checking next week.
I'll see you then.
[boy] we'll miss you.
[iddo] okay, goodbye.
[boy] bye, uncle iddo!
Bishop.
Neighbors.
I...
I need to confess a sin.
I had...
I was inappropriate...
With my daughter's friend,
anna lapp.
Several times.
In our house.
I was weak...
...And I fell.
I recognize
the error of my ways
And...
I accept your judgement.
This transgression
cannot go unpunished.
As always,
We look to the words
of jesus christ for guidance.
We also look
into our own hearts
And ask ourselves,
"who are we?
What do we stand for?
What is it that sets us apart?"
As the lord has forgiven you,
So you must also forgive.
Anna, can you find it
in your heart
To forgive this man?
I forgive you.
[bishop] if this young woman
Can find forgiveness
in her heart,
Then we have no choice
But to follow her
toward the grace of god.
Malachi stoltzfus,
You will be put on proving
for six weeks.
If we are satisfied
As to the earnestness
of your penance,
You will be forgiven.
You may sit.
I think malachi did well.
Poor girl.
But she probably tempted him.
Daughters of eve.
[tour guide giving a tour
on the amish community]
Have fun in hell!
It's okay.
I know it's...
Isn't iddo a bit old for her?
Leah was the youngest.
Only 25
when she was in the accident.
And iddo's what... Only 35?
Of course, we would not
mention it to her
Without your approval.
He's a good man, though.
You're right about that.
He's already
part of the family.
He's good to everyone.
Such a big heart.
He's doing very well
in his furniture business.
And iddo is healthy.
They could have
a big family.
Eight, ten...
He's a sober
and responsible man.
And there's something else.
The way he looks at her.
He likes her.
Sara, don't presume.
You do not know what is
in someone else's heart.
I know him.
We can't force this.
We can only suggest it.
Of course,
But rachel is a practical girl
and she respects your opinion.
It is her choice.
Of course.
We know that.
Thank you, bishop.
God, I need you right now.
You need to help me.
I can't do this.
[♪♪]
[mem moans]
[mem moans]
[rachel] mem!
Mem, are you--
are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine.
-Do you need water or something?
-Yes, some water.
Okay.
I'm-I'm just tired.
Mem, I don't think you look
like you're doing okay.
I'm fine, liebchen.
Okay.
Here.
Now you're taking care of me.
It's funny.
I'm feeling better.
My mother used to get these.
She would have to sit down
And everybody
would take care of her.
She used to call them
her little vacations.
Mem...
I need to talk to you
about something.
What is it?
It's about iddo.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
He's... He's here.
What?
He came over.
He's spending the night.
Where is he?
Do you know he fixed that chair
in the living room.
-One, two, three.
-Where is he now?
He's upstairs
putting bevin to sleep.
[iddo, singing] ♪ die mutter
schüttelts bäumelein ♪
♪ da fällt herab
ein träumelein ♪
♪ schlaf, kindlein, schlaf ♪
♪ der vater hüt die shaf ♪
Shh.
We've hardly had a chance
to talk since your baptism.
I've always had a special place
in my heart for you.
You know
you can always count on me.
Right, rachel?
Yes.
Everyone's watching.
You can't make a mistake.
You don't want them to know
who you really are.
The way you've tempted me.
Can you imagine what they'd say
if they saw us?
You want me
to keep your secrets.
Let me take care of you...
The way I've always done.
I know the wicked thoughts
of your black little heart.
I see you the way
no one else does.
You're broken, rachel.
A filthy, broken, ugly child.
[mem] iddo! Chocolate's ready!
The kind you love!
I can save you.
[♪♪]
[eli] have you been
drinking the tea?
Morning and evening.
There are tests, sara.
We can take you into town.
Levi wouldn't like that.
I really am doing much better.
This is the fifth child
you've lost?
Forgive me, sara,
if I've embarrassed you.
Why can't I have
any more children, eli?
[door opening]
Hello, eli.
Levi.
We have two boys here who think
teasing animals is funny.
So...
[rachel] bevin,
Did uncle iddo put you to bed
the other night?
[bevin] yes.
[rachel] what did he do?
[bevin] what do you mean?
[rachel] I don't know.
Was he nice?
[bevin] iddo's always nice.
I mean, did he, like,
I don't know.
What did he do?
He told me a story
and sang me a song.
What was the story?
It was about
this bad little girl
Who didn't obey
and got punished forever.
[congregation singing]
♪ by his passion we can plead ♪
♪ god has born
all mortal anguish ♪
♪ surely
he will know our need. ♪
♪ amen ♪
I think I'm failing.
I have thoughts.
All women do.
I'm not in god's grace.
You will find your way back.
I tempted iddo.
I don't know what do to, mem.
I'm so wicked.
Marry him.
Mem?
And then he will be your husband
And it will be all right
in god's eyes.
Not that.
I couldn't.
Rachel,
A woman makes choices
And they are always hard.
We want things we can't have.
We make plans
that will never happen.
We accept and we submit
And we build our ladder
to heaven.
We do things
behind closed doors
That...
Trim your wick, daughter.
Cut away what is charred
and defiled
So that your flame can be
clean and clear and steady.
They are done.
It's late.
What are you doing out here?
I love the lilacs.
Your mother planted those.
One for each of the children.
They bloom for a few days
and then they're gone.
Did you leave
that lantern in the barn?
[rachel] no.
Well, burn the place down
that way.
I'll get it, dat.
You're a good girl, rachel.
[barn door opening]
I didn't mean to scare you.
Please stay.
Will you help me
collect some eggs?
That's all I want.
I promise.
That's it.
A few more, please.
Bring them to me.
Rachel...
...This one's cracked.
I want you to ask me for it.
[sobbing]
Rachel.
Rachel?
What happened?
It was iddo!
Iddo?
Where is he?
He... He...
What?
What did he do?
I feel so dirty.
He ripped my dress open,
But I think I can sew it.
Dat...
He did that to me.
He did that to me, dat.
Did you tempt him?
What?
You tempted him.
What...
What?
Your mother told me.
No...
You must understand
that I do not do this in anger.
Dat...
I am in control
of my emotions and my thoughts.
[sobbing]
"he that spareth his rod
hateth his son..."
Dat...
"...But he who loveth him
chasteneth him promptly."
Come to me, child.
[♪♪]
What did you say to him?
-[whipping]
-[sobbing]
What did you show him?
-[sobbing]
-[whipping]
-What did you do?
-[sobbing]
What did you do?
[isabel] run away?
Where would you go?
I don't know.
Somewhere.
You need money.
How would you
support yourself?
I can sell things.
Someone will give me a job.
I can count change.
I can do that.
[nate] okay.
What about rent, or groceries?
Or getting around?
Everything costs money
out there.
You have no idea.
There's money in the house.
The fruit money.
You're going to steal ?
I don't know.
I have to get out.
I have to think.
What if you got sick?
Or something happened to you?
I'm not going to get sick.
[isabel] you'll be shunned.
Hey, do you want
to give up your family?
I don't know
what else to do.
People here
help each other.
Out there,
There's not going to be
anyone to protect you.
There's no one
to protect me here.
Was it really so bad?
Please help me.
Okay.
I have a friend who might
let you stay at her place.
Grace, the photographer.
I'll call her and set it up.
When do you want to go?
Now. Tonight.
[♪♪]
Mem?
[♪♪]
Oh, rachel, I need you
to run to the store for me.
I need flour, sugar, cinnamon,
and some coffee.
The donnermeyers
are coming over
And I'm going to make
my sour cream cake.
We're not running a tab
there anymore.
Your father doesn't like debt.
Yes, mem.
Rachel...
You've--
You've just not
been yourself lately.
I know that.
You're going to be spending
more time at church now.
I think it's time
we make you a new dress.
People notice.
Yes, mem.
[♪♪]
[woman] oh! Rachel albrecht,
what's your secret?
I'm sorry, what?
I heard you got top marks
in your bible class.
Oh. Yes.
Thank you.
I expect you'll be joining
the wanderers now.
Yes. I'd like to.
You know we've been needing
another soprano.
Tuesday night.
You know where.
All right.
Thank you.
Rachel?
Yes?
It's good
to have you among us.
What are you doing?
What's this?
I was wondering
What it would be like
if I had a watch,
To tell what time it is.
I forgot to wash it off.
You have to be careful.
Mem and dat wouldn't like this.
It's jewelry. It's vain.
I know.
I forgot.
You can't forget anymore.
You're a big girl now.
Okay.
You can't let anyone
be mean to you
Or treat you bad ever again.
Okay?
Who's going
to treat me bad?
People.
Why?
I love you, little bb.
You're squeezing me.
Sorry.
Rachel?
What time is it?
It's late.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
Isabel.
What are you doing here?
[isabel] I'm sorry.
[♪♪]
Child...
[rachel wails]
[sobbing]
Let us help you, child.
[bishop]
we're taking you to a place
Where they help girls
who've lost their way.
Everything can be forgiven
in time.
Rachel.
Welcome to bright haven.
We are so happy
that you've come to join us.
Would you please
remove your shoes?
Life skills
from 5:00 a.M. Until to 7:00.
We take you through harvest
all the way to canning.
And then bible study
from 7:30 until noon.
Then lunch.
And then bible study
from 1:00 p.M. Until 5:00.
Yeah.
And then from 5:00 until 5:30,
free time.
We like to think of this
as our--
As our house of love.
We want to help you prepare
For your roles
As wives and mothers
in the world
And instill values
That will admit you
into the kingdom of heaven.
Our goal is to fill your heart
with light
And the joy that can be found
in the divine love of god.
Only girls accompanied by staff
can leave the building.
Rooms are locked at 7:00 p.M.
"wives, be subject
to your husbands,
As to the lord,
Without spot or wrinkle
or any such thing,
That you might be holy
and without blemish.
For the husband
is head of the wife
As christ
is head of the church."
Now, this is our struggle.
The individual.
The unsatisfied mind.
God has given us rules.
All that we need to do
is follow them without question.
God is judging our every move,
our every thought.
I know that each one of you
has sinned,
Even in your tiniest,
most private moment.
Perhaps spending
a little too much time
In front of the mirror,
For a split second thinking
that you might be pretty.
You are not pretty.
You are vain and weak.
You are wicked and dirty.
You disappoint god
a million times every day
With your carnal thoughts
and your dark desires.
You have forgotten
that god loves you.
Seven o'clock!
Be at peace!
She's not that bad, you know.
She's helped a lot of girls.
She understands what it's like.
I think she had
some trouble in her past.
I heard she was married.
I heard he died.
No, no, she ran away,
Then came back,
and then he died.
I ran away.
Or I tried to.
We all did.
That's why we're here.
Not me.
I stayed.
I tempted my cousin
And then I tried
to blame it on him.
What did he do?
It's what I did.
I told everyone about us.
I guess I...
Thought I deserved
to be heard.
Anyway, what good
is running away?
Where would we go?
Who would want us?
[girl] they don't open.
I just wanted to get some air.
It's so we're not tempted.
It only gets
really bad in here in August.
How long have you been here?
This is my third time.
[ruth] he would say,
"you're not trying hard enough,"
And...
"your brain
looks like a messy closet,"
And that I should clean it up.
If he ever spoke to me.
Thank you, ruth.
Rachel, what would god
say to you?
He would say...
"why, rachel?"
"why can't you just be good?"
He would say...
"why do I waste my time
with you?"
"all you do
is make the wrong choices."
"now you get
what you deserve...
...Nothing."
♪ all things
wise and wonderful ♪
♪ the lord god
made them all ♪
♪ each little flower
that opens... ♪
Rachel.
We've come to visit you.
If you do not want
to speak to me,
At least speak to your mother.
♪ all things
bright and beautiful ♪
♪ all creatures
great and small ♪
♪ all things
wise and wonderful ♪
♪ the lord god
made them all ♪
He hasn't eaten in three weeks.
He's living in shame
over what you did.
Just look at him.
I'm sorry.
Do you know we might be
asked to leave the church?
Do you know what hell is?
It's pain and regret
for eternity.
You have brought us
all to the brink, rachel.
Accept your life.
I accepted mine.
Find your way, rachel.
They will help you here,
And then when you come home,
Everything can go back
to the way it was.
But, mem, iddo...
[mary]
careful with the roots there.
You want to make sure
That you've got
the whole package
Before you put it
into the earth.
The roots are so strong
and yet they are so fragile.
Those rows are not straight.
[mary continues, indistinct]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[mary continues, indistinct]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[horse hooves clopping]
[♪♪]
[horns honking]
[barking]
Carl, listen to me.
You're not going to hang
any of my photos
Unless I am standing
in that gallery,
Pointing to where
I want them to be hung.
Well, don't give me
"that's how they do it."
That's not how I do it--
you know that.
[coffee grinder whirring]
but you remember what--
You remember what happened
at drexel, right?
Yeah, exactly.
It was not fine.
It wasn't fine at all.
You even said that.
The eyeline was wrong,
the storytelling was wr--
Wrong.
Oh!
No, I'm still here.
No, my boyfriend just--
You know what, never mind.
Don't do anything without me...
There.
Can you--
carl, hold on a second.
Don't hang up.
Is that...
Hey! Hey!
Are you nate's friend?
Hey, are you...
Are you rachel?
-Yeah?
-Yes.
Hey, you made it.
Give me one second.
Not the best of neighborhoods.
I was kind of expecting you,
like, three weeks ago.
I gave up on you.
I'm sorry.
Is it okay that I'm here?
Yeah, of course.
Welcome to the grace place!
Oh.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I...
You know what--
-No, really--
-no, listen, it's me.
I can be
very overbearing sometimes.
How about we start
all over, okay?
Okay.
My name is grace,
And, uh...
...Welcome to my home.
Come in.
Okay.
Come in.
Carl, are you still there?
Great.
Tell them to wait for me
until I get there, okay?
Okay, great.
Well, then I will see you
tomorrow.
Yeah. Okay, great.
Yeah. Bye.
Alexa, play something cool.
[cool jazz music plays]
Yeah.
[jazz music playing]
[sirens wailing]
[coffee grinder whirring]
Everything here
makes so much noise.
I'm not used to it.
Well, gosh, toto,
we're not in kansas anymore.
No, I'm from here,
in pennsylvania.
Yeah--
It's--
Never mind.
This is so kind.
I'm sorry--
I didn't know where to go,
Or what was next, or--
If I should even
come here, and--
Don't worry about it.
You can stay here until
you get yourself set up, okay?
I've got an extra bedroom--
More of a storage closet.
I'm afraid we're going
to have to share a bathroom
Because my landlord refuses
to fix the other one.
I can grab you a tap card...
Maybe some new clothes,
And...
Oh, my god,
do you have no shoes?
No. I had to leave them.
Do you have anything?
Okay, yeah. You know what,
don't worry about it.
I got stuff you can borrow.
Um...
And...
I can help you get a job.
I've got some friends
That can give you
some gig work.
Do you have
a social security card?
No.
I.D.? Like a passport?
State I.D.?
Oh, hey, hey.
Listen. We don't have to do
anything today, okay?
Why don't you take a seat?
Drink coffee,
Talk...
...Or not.
Listen, man, just do whatever
feels comfortable, okay?
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Oh, my.
-What?
This is the best thing
That I've ever tasted
in my whole life.
Hey, hey.
[sirens wailing]
[rachel gasping]
[cleve] you scared
the shit out of me!
[grace] babe, what's going--
Oh, shoot, get back in here!
Put your pants on.
Rachel, are you okay?
Yes.
[grace] that was just
my boyfriend, cleve.
Babe, say hi.
[cleve] hi, rachel.
Hi, cleve.
[cleve] nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
[cleve] I'm coming
out of the bedroom.
I'm walking down the hall.
I'm fully dressed.
I'm here.
Hi.
Let's...
Let's make this
our first official meeting.
I'm cleve.
I'm rachel.
So we're good?
Yes, cleve, we're good.
All right.
Can I make you something to eat?
I can do it, it's--
No, no.
You sit.
I got this.
Are you sure? I--
I live for this.
When you taste this,
You are going to have
a mouth orgasm.
[whispers]
a mouth orgasm?
And under any circumstances,
Do not let grace cook for you.
Anything she makes
tastes like dryer lint.
Dryer lint?
You're kind of
fresh off the truck, aren't you?
Kind of.
So you cook?
Yeah.
I do everything around here.
I'm the neat one.
Grace...
Grace is a slob.
Look at this place.
I mean,
no organizational skills.
Never rinses a dish,
Just leaves it out in the open
Like I'm expected
to clean up after her.
I hate that.
Yeah. The food gets stuck on
and it gets all crusty.
And then you have to work
twice as hard.
I think we're gonna
get along great.
I mean...
You already know more about me
than most people.
Alexa, play something
to wake me up.
[pop music plays]
Well, good morning, sunshine.
[♪♪]
Careful.
So, I think these will fit.
What do you think?
No. I couldn't.
Oh, I know it's not exactly
the height of fashion.
I just keep them around
for the models.
You don't understand.
I can't take off my--
Don't worry. I can just go
into the other room.
No, it's not that.
My dress, my kapp ,
It's a conversation
between me and god.
Oh, I didn't realize.
It wouldn't matter
anyway, though.
Why?
I'd still be ugly.
[sighs]
Wow.
They really did a number
on you, didn't they?
Look, um...
Nate...
Didn't tell me why
you were coming to stay with me.
As a survivor,
I can only assume
that someone was hurting you.
Someone you knew.
Someone you trusted.
Did someone hurt you, rachel?
You don't understand.
No, I do.
I really, really do.
Do you know
that I hate cinnamon?
I can't stand
the smell of it.
Mem was baking
in the kitchen
And the house
smelled of cinnamon.
I sat at the table
coloring with the other kids.
Uncle iddo sat next to me.
It was daytime.
There were people around,
but he didn't care.
He reached under the table.
It hurt,
But I couldn't let anyone know
what was happening.
I was so afraid.
Afraid it was my fault.
How old were you?
Eight.
That was the first time.
You are out of there now
and you are never going back.
You have a new life here.
I'm going to make it happen
for you, I promise.
Do you think so?
I know so.
I don't think that can work.
Why not?
I want to go home.
Why?
Because it's home.
[knocking on door]
[woman narrator on tv]
after six years,
Will this top predator
recognize his friend?
Come here, you sexy amish boy!
Uh...
This one's homesick.
...An alpha male
breaks through the others.
He hesitates, then...
-Hey.
-Wait.
Watch how he lets the lion
jump on him.
The lion loves him.
They're friends.
...Six years melt away,
And once again,
this 600-pound--
I talked to your parents today.
How are they?
Yeah.
They talked to me
About how shunning
is the final act of love,
And...
They want me to bring you back
so they can show you it.
How are bevin and the twins?
Bevin thinks you're working.
How do I live?
Nobody knows me, and I...
I don't have a family anymore.
I'm like those people
on the screen--
Moving and talking,
but trapped behind glass.
But you're not alone.
You don't know.
I mean, you can go back.
You still have a choice.
I'm living with strangers.
I don't understand
half the things they say.
-Rachel--
-no, nate, you have to go.
This is too hard.
I can't do this.
Okay.
Will you at least walk me out?
I'm sorry.
Thank you for coming today.
It's okay.
I wanted to come.
God's gonna look after you
no matter what you do, rachel.
I believe that.
I want to believe that.
You know, I don't think
I've ever had the chance
to say this,
But...
I admire you, rachel.
I really do.
Have you ever been
to the ocean before?
No.
Why?
My mother talked about it
sometimes,
But I don't think
she's actually been.
It seems like a place
where you can really breathe.
Where you can feel right.
Hmm.
You know,
I've been thinking about it,
I don't think I'm going
to get baptized after all.
Really?
Yeah.
Keep my options open.
Good night, rachel.
Good night, nate.
[♪♪]
[rachel] I'm coming
out of the bedroom.
Going to the bathroom.
[knocking]
[grace] almost done.
Grace, I...
I can't keep living
off of your generosity.
Eating your food and everything.
[grace] so you'll work for me.
What do you want me to do?
[grace] well, actually,
I'm starting
a big project tomorrow.
You'll help.
I'll show you what to do.
It'll be really interesting.
Okay.
Thank you.
[grace] mm-hmm.
Name and address.
Contact information here.
Don't forget to sign
the release form.
There's instructions
On how to sign up
for the download account.
That's how you'll get
your pictures.
[grace] hey, everyone.
I just wanted to say
Thank you so much
for participating
And for your trust.
So, this is what it's about.
As you know,
I've been photographing people
the world sees as a group,
And I want to humanize
the individual.
You know, whether you're trans,
or black,
Or amish,
Or an immigrant,
I want to know who you are.
You know,
I learned a long time ago
That portrait is a dialogue,
So tell me,
How do you want
the world to see you?
Gorgeous.
Yeah, stay there,
stay there, stay there.
I need to get real close.
I need to get real close.
[shutter clicking]
And how do you think
the world actually sees you?
We're not getting any younger.
[rachel] you know
this isn't easy for me.
[grace] yeah, well, sometimes,
You just gotta rip
the band-aid off.
[rachel] I don't know
what that means.
I'm coming out of the bedroom.
I'm walking down the hallway.
I'm coming into the living-room.
I...
I've never had
trousers on before.
Is this a mistake?
It feels like it.
Do I look stupid?
One thing...
I'll do it.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
You...
Are so beautiful.
I could cry.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
What do I think about?
[grace]
think about who you are.
My mother once said
you're not yourself.
And she was right.
I don't know
What it would feel like
to be myself.
Or who that would even be.
[grace] someone strong.
Brave.
[camera shutter clicks]
[click]
[knocking on door]
[grace] chin up.
[cleve] it's nate.
Don't let him in!
[cleve] hey, come in.
How's it going, nate?
[nate] uh...
Is everything okay?
Rachel? Is that you?
M'lady.
But don't come opening night.
Come on, like, the second week
when we work out all the kinks.
I get one free comp,
So you guys are gonna
have to fight it out
Or come on different days,
You know?
[grace] ahem.
Ah. Um, so,
Good night.
Hello.
[grace] I learned
a new tune today.
[cleve] did you?
[grace]
staying in the bedroom!
What?
Nothing.
Um...
I got a job today.
-You did?
-Mm-hmm.
I park cars.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's good.
People just--
They tip me.
I've wanted to do that
for a while.
Me too.
I think--
I think we should--
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
Nate, no.
Hey...
Hey.
I love you, rachel.
-I love you.
-Please.
Please.
Stop.
It's okay, it's okay.
Nate! I said, no!
[glass shatters]
No, nate.
I said, no.
[grace] hey.
Is everything all right?
Yeah, yeah, we were just--
I was asking rachel.
Good night, nate.
I'm sorry.
[♪♪]
[grace] I mean, they're the most
honest subjects our there.
They don't actually pose,
they just--
-They just exist, right?
-Yeah.
Hey, rachel.
Looks like one of your peeps.
[chuckles]
he looks lost.
Might need your help.
-Hey...
-You okay?
Do you--do you know him?
Okay.
I'll be right back.
[grace] is that him?
Okay.
[♪♪]
What did he say?
Rachel, your mom's
in the hospital.
She's very sick.
She's asking for you.
[pa announcement]
dr. Thompson to radiology.
Dr. Thompson to radiology.
[man] excuse me, nurse?
Which room is she in?
Dat, which room?
[monitor beeping]
I know you don't want
to talk to me.
I don't blame you.
I know when I left,
it caused you a lot of pain.
That probably made you sicker.
Remember when I told you
about that fever beauty?
How you can see things in a way
That are so...
Clear and shocking
And...
Right?
That's you, mem.
That's the part of you
that is in me.
I know you're supposed
to shun me right now...
And I know it's out of love.
But I'm going to stay here
And I'm going
to take care of you
Until you're better.
I will make it up to you,
I promise.
Rachel...
What is it, mem?
I see you.
I'm sorry.
I can change--
I see...
...Who you are.
Strong...
...And true.
You are the best of us.
You are the one who can fly.
It was never your fault.
Never.
None of it.
Rachel...
...The sea...
Knows.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
♪ this world is not my home ♪
♪ I'm just a-passing through ♪
♪ my treasures are laid up
somewhere beyond the blue ♪
♪ the angels beckon me
from heaven's open door ♪
♪ and I can't feel at home
in this world anymore ♪
♪ o lord, you know
I have no friend like you ♪
♪ if heaven's not my home
then, lord, what will I do? ♪
♪ the angels beckon me
from heaven's open door ♪
♪ and I can't feel at home
in this world anymore ♪
♪ they're all expecting me ♪
♪ and that's one thing I know ♪
♪ my savior pardoned me
and now I onward go ♪
♪ I know he'll take me through
though I am weak and poor ♪
♪ and I can't feel at home
in this world anymore ♪
I weep for you, rachel.
Thank you.
It is you who have died.
You we have buried today.
I'll pray for you, rachel.
Pray that you find
your way back to god.
Pray that it's not too late.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[dat] thank you, ladies.
That was wonderful.
[bishop's wife]
I'll put the lamb up.
They can have that
for supper tonight.
Rachel, where did
your mother keep--
Oh. I'll find it.
[bishop's wife] I think
we brought too much bread.
I'll take some loaves home
and bring fresh on Wednesday.
[woman] sara's canning
was always so organized.
She was a wonderful mother
to her children.
I will miss her.
I remember when my mother died.
There was so much
I wish I had done for her.
It took me many years
to forgive myself
And realize...
I had done my best.
Mothers and daughters--
It's always bumpy
And the conversation
is always left unfinished.
I think about friends
Who will reach out their hands
and their hearts to me,
No matter what I've done.
Always there with guidance
when we need them.
In these difficult times.
Amen.
Children, go upstairs.
Yes, dat.
Rachel, sit down.
Here with me.
Much has changed
since we last spoke.
Many things have...
Happened.
We have...
We have both made choices
that we will have to live with.
I spoke with the bishop.
You may be forgiven.
You must earn your way
back into the church.
It will be hard work,
but it can be done...
...And we can live together
again in the sight of god.
You will find
a nice young man in church...
...Someone to care for,
And it needn't be iddo.
Bevin and the boys
need their sister.
This house
needs to be cared for.
Stay with us, rachel.
Here...
You are loved.
Dat says I'm not
supposed to talk to you.
I know.
But I guess
I'm already talking.
I guess so.
What are you doing?
I'm looking through
mem's hope chest.
It was a gift
for her 16th birthday,
And she put things in it
For the day she'd be married.
Things she'd need.
[bevin]
so it's full of her hope?
Yes.
Full of her hope.
Bevin, do you know why I left?
Because I did something wrong.
What?
No. Why would you think that?
I don't know.
Oh, bevin!
You did nothing wrong.
You are perfect.
Then why did you go?
Hope, I guess.
[bevin] look, it's mem!
She looks so beautiful.
Did she make this?
[rachel] all the things
she dreamed about.
All the things
she could have been.
"the sea knows"
The sea knows.
[rachel, reading]
"in the countless blue drops
Of her restless heart
In the splash and the salt
She knows the possibilities
of each and every drop
Who they are
And how they magnify
each other
How they keep
their secrets..."
"the sea knows everything
Except herself."
Mem was a poet and an artist
All these years ago.
But why did she stop?
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
♪ through the floodgates
of god's mercy ♪
♪ flowed a vast
and gracious tide ♪
♪ grace and love
like mighty rivers ♪
♪ poured incessant from above ♪
♪ heaven's peace
and perfect justice ♪
♪ kissed a guilty world
in love ♪
Bishop.
I know I have no voice in here,
but I have a confession.
I need a place to talk to god
And a place
to maybe find some hope.
I've been told there's a chance
for me to come back,
And...
...Maybe you'll find it
in your heart
To allow me to speak.
Please. Come in, rachel.
I have been weak...
And selfish.
I have made a lot of mistakes.
I need your help
to get right with god.
I believe what I've learned
in this church.
"I know that the lord
Will maintain
the cause of the afflicted
And will execute justice
for the needy."
I've learned that in here
and at home.
It's a good lesson.
That's why I love this church.
I'm confessing a sin.
I ran away in secret,
And it was cowardly,
And...
It's a sin that goes against
everything that I was taught.
So I will tell you now
That I am...
I'm leaving the church
And my family and my home.
And it will break my heart
And it will be lonely
and difficult,
But I will do it
with my head held high.
It is the only way
I can take responsibility
for what I believe.
Rachel! Be still!
I will not be still!
I came to you for protection
And you beat me.
You have nothing to say to me.
I will miss you
every day of my life,
But I do not trust you.
You destroyed that trust.
I have learned something else.
Something my mother
has taught me.
I think I'm starting
to understand who I am.
There's this other rachel
who needs my protection.
Who needs a safe place to grow.
No matter how hard that is...
I have to give her a chance.
And one other thing.
I'm not gone for good.
I will be visiting.
And if I hear that anyone
touched my little sister...
Or was...
"inappropriate"
with any other woman...
...I will have
the police here so fast,
You won't know what hit you.
Rachel!
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[nate] how long
Do you think you're going
to stay at grace's?
She'll let me stay
until I find a job.
Maybe we could
park cars together?
I don't think so.
Why not?
I got fired.
You'll find another job.
Look, rachel,
I'm just going to move
back in with my parents.
Things aren't working out
for me out there,
So I'm just gonna start
my baptism classes.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah.
Where are we going?
There's something
I want you to do.
I think you...
I think...
You know what,
There's something
you need to do.
For you.
Um...
I don't think I'm going
to see you after today.
I understand.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
Give her a minute.
Show them who you are.
[rachel, writing]
dear bevin,
What do you think
of the drawings I sent you?
I think I'm getting better
every day,
But...
I have a long way to go.
[children laughing]
Got you!
[girl] okay, ready?
You're it!
[rachel] it's time.
[bevin] okay.
[rachel] I'm not gone
for good, you know?
I'm going to visit.
[bevin] I know.
But, bevin,
I want you to know that--
I know all this stuff.
Don't worry.
Here.
It's you.
[♪♪]
[rachel, writing]
I'm finding that mem was right.
The sea knows.
It knows
how to be calm and sure.
It knows when to be fierce.
It knows where it belongs.
I think maybe
I can learn from it.
I'm trying anyway.
Mem would like that.
I'm so excited
That you're coming
to visit me next week.
I'll show you where I live.
I'll take you to the beach,
And we'll walk,
and we'll swim...
...And we'll see
what happens next.
All my love, me.
[♪♪]
[♪♪]