An American Pickle (2020) - full transcript

In old country of Schlupsk, I am ditch digger.

It is not always great.

Life is difficult.

But then one day,

Hashem gives me a miracle.

Her name is Sarah.

She is strong

and she has all her teeth, top and bottom.

I decide at once to woo her.

Wooing fails,

but I am determined to win her.



Every day, I dig twice the ditch.

It is greatest summer of my life.

We have so much in common.

Her favorite color black. My favorite color black.

Her parents murdered by Cossacks.

My parents murdered by Cossacks.

I notice nice little thing about her.

She always sneeze same way.

Four time.

Is adorable.

Sometimes, when we want to be alone,

we go to very special bog.

We tell each other all our hopes and dreams.

Oh.



We have wedding in front of whole town.

Hashem blesses us.

For a bit.

We are attacked by Cossacks.

Bloodthirsty, Jew-hungry,

Russian maniacs drunk from vodka.

Jew!

The Cossacks destroy our whole world.

But...

we are the Greenbaums.

We are strong.

And together there is no stopping us.

We keep fighting till we have American dream.

All right, let's get these

dumb Polacks outta here.

Compared to Cossacks,

Americans very kind.

All right. This way, you filthy Jews. Let's go.

I find good job in pickle factory.

A good Jewish business.

The foreman will not let me mix salt.

Or sort cucumber.

But he says I can chase rats with club

and he will pay nickel for every ten Herschel smash.

It is not dream job.

But I am grateful for chance to prove my worth.

Get your seltzer water here! Just one bright, shiny nickel.

Some things still out of reach.

Seltzer water. Get your seltzer water!

Yeah, you, sir. Seltzer water today?

It's only one bright, shiny nickel for the men.

It's only one bright, shiny nickel for the ladies.

But over time we work and save.

I grant Sarah's wish.

A beautiful Greenbaum family plot

for us to share.

Forever.

Then Hashem gives us biggest miracle of all.

So one night to Sarah

I make this vow.

Our child will be strong.

And our child's child will be strong.

Our family will prosper.

And in 100 years,

the Greenbaums will be powerful.

Successful.

The strongest in the land.

And then one day,

everything changed.

Attention!

This factory has been condemned.

-Damn it. -Shit.

Dude, we're never gonna find this, bro.

No, it's definitely this way.

Whoa.

Let's go!

Please! Please! Settle down.

Essentially, the pickle brine preserved him perfectly.

It's been 100 years, but he hasn't aged a day.

-That's impossible. -You don't honestly expect us

to buy that, do you?

What's the science behind it?

Please, let me explain.

The scientist explains.

His logic is good.

It satisfies everyone.

-Oh, yes. -It makes sense.

-Absolutely. -Very clear.

But...

I'm very sad.

The world has changed.

Everything I know is gone. And...

...everyone.

I'm so sorry, Herschel.

You will check again.

We already checked the city records twice.

She wasn't brined.

She's been dead for 80 years.

You will check again.

We already checked.

My Sarah is gone.

Our child is gone.

I have nothing.

Then I get some great news.

Great news, Herschel.

It took a little bit of doing,

but we were able to track down a living relative.

I have family?

Yes.

A great-grandson.

And, as luck would have it, he lives right here in Brooklyn

and he's exactly the same age as you.

And we're contacting him right now.

Thank you.

I am so excited I forget all my misery.

Even though I have not met this Ben,

I can see him in my mind.

He will be just like how I vowed to Sarah,

powerful.

Successful.

The strongest in the land.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Greenbaum.

Yeah.

Greenbaum.

Greenbaum.

Greenbaum.

Greenbaum!

Greenbaum!

Greenbaum!

All right!

It must be so crazy for you.

Very crazy.

Crazy for me, too, man.

Are you allowed to leave?

Do you wanna come back to my apartment?

-Very much. -All right. Let's go.

Yeah, I got him. I'm his great-grandson.

So he's gonna stay with me for a bit. Yeah. Thank you.

Take it in.

Cool, huh?

Make way.

It's a scooter.

They're actually pretty fun.

Anyway, I can't wait to show you, like, the future.

There's so much cool shit, man. You're gonna love it.

It's cool, man. It's a cab.

It's gonna take us back to my apartment. Hop in.

It's all right.

Oh, yeah, crawl in.

There you go. You got it.

We're going to Brooklyn, please. Thank you.

Here we are, man.

Home, sweet home.

Hey, check this out.

Alexa, lights.

Pretty cool, huh?

All this yours?

Yeah. I mean, I don't own it or anything like that.

I do live here by myself. I work from home,

though, a lot.

It would be nice, honestly, to have someone around.

So you can stay here as long as you want.

I do not want to be burden to you.

It's not a burden, Herschel. At all. I mean...

I really never thought I would get a chance

to meet another Greenbaum. So...

Neither did I.

You must be thirsty.

I mean, you were brined for, like, a century.

And there's salt in brine, right?

So you must be pretty parched, to say the least.

Can I get you something to drink?

Macadamia milk? Or there's cashew milk.

I got pea milk. They're milking peas now.

They're milking everything these days, dude.

You name it, they're milking it.

I got mint tea. I have kombucha.

-"Kombucha"? -Yeah.

It's fermented... stuff. Honestly, I don't even know.

Tastes nasty. But it's very healthy.

-Would you like some? -Is fine.

They inject drink into my arm in hospital.

-I am fine. -Fair enough.

There must be something I can get you.

Would you like some seltzer?

You have seltzer.

Oh, I got seltzer for days, son.

I got a whole seltzer machine. It's pretty cool, actually.

Ya just fill this up there.

That's it. You put in the cartridge.

"Cartridge."

And you just press that button. Makes you seltzer.

Press button.

Exactly. You wanna press it?

You'll let me press seltzer button?

Yeah. It's a pretty big deal, but we're family.

So you can press the seltzer button.

Knock yourself out.

Yeah!

There you go. You're seltzering.

Pretty cool, huh?

-The bubble. -So many bubbles.

Well...

One for you. And one for me.

Cheers.

L'chaim.

Ooh!

Yeah.

Crazy.

This must be very overwhelming for you.

It's a lot. It's a little much.

But I think you'll find there's actually, like,

some pretty cool stuff about the future.

Oh, yeah. Exactly. Not just that.

Uh, I know what else you might like.

You like music, right?

Yes.

Watch this.

Alexa, play...

oldies.

Here's a station for you. Oldies.

Pretty cool, huh?

It's a stereo,

and it plays music from the Internet.

It comes through these speakers.

Pretty good, huh?

It's a good song.

Here, check it, check it, check it.

It's you. It's you singing.

No, I'm lip-synching. Get in there.

-Get in there, man. -It's okay.

-It's okay. -Get in there.

I watch you dance.

I'm a very good dancer for my time.

Come on. Get in there.

Come on. Get in there. I know you want to.

Yeah.

Oh, there you go.

Brooklyn's probably changed a lot since you last saw it,

I would imagine.

Good pizza, huh?

Hey.

They are couple?

Yeah, yeah. Interracial couples

totally cool now

in parts of the country.

Yeah, check it out.

Twinsies.

Hey, nice clothes. Is that vintage?

-Good, huh? -Hmm?

Kosher, too.

This is a scooter.

You have legs. You do not need this thing.

That is a weirdly inappropriate thing to say.

How many pairs of shoes you own?

Um, like seven, maybe?

Seven. How many sock?

I have like 20, 25 pairs of socks.

Twenty-five socks! Twenty-five.

It's a lot of socks.

Ben Greenbaum. Owner of 25 pair of sock.

It's pretty normal for today.

Tell me, what is it you do for job?

Wait, let me guess. You're a doctor.

No. You're a lawyer.

No.

Close. Freelance mobile app developer.

What?

It's easier if I show you.

Here, come on.

You're gonna think it's dope. Which means "good."

Check it out, man.

Go.

A magic rectangle. You make this?

No, I didn't invent the iPad. I wish I did, though.

But let me ask you this,

before people buy something

what's something they wish they knew?

How long has meat been dead for?

Yeah, that.

Also, they want to know

whether or not the company they're buying from is ethical.

-They do? -Yes.

They do. It's called "conscientious shopping."

It's very popular.

My app makes it very easy.

All you do is, you scan a product.

And it tells you whether or not the company is ethical

by analyzing its carbon footprint,

its labor policies,

and a bunch of other things and it gives you a score.

Check it out.

91.

These kale chips are gonna be extra delicious

because I know how ethical they are.

Thanks to Boop Bop.

-"Boop Bop"? -Boop Bop, yeah.

-It's called "Boop Bop." -Why Boop Bop?

Um...

You know, it's kinda just like the trend,

I guess, these days

to give apps, like, silly names.

You know, Venmo, Hulu, Hipmunk and...

You know, you might think it's kinda silly.

But I've been working on it pretty hard

for five years now, basically.

And once I sell this thing, I can finally, you know,

start the next chapter, which is exciting.

You work for five years. How come you no sell?

It's just...

not ready yet.

I'm still finalizing some things.

Just really focused on getting it right, you know?

Making it perfect.

I think once it's ready, though, I'll have

a pretty easy time selling it.

I went to school with this guy who works in venture capital.

And I'm pretty sure he'd be into it.

He said that they wanna hear the pitch as soon as it's done.

But I'm still kind of noodling with the logo.

I mean, this mustardy one has really been growing on me.

I kinda wish it was mustardier, though.

Is this your father?

No, that's David Bowie.

Is this your mother?

No, that's also David Bowie.

That whole poster's David Bowie.

How come in this whole place you have so many things,

but no pictures of family?

I have pictures of my family.

I just haven't really,

you know, like, framed them and incorporated them in my...

design.

But I got that stuff right here.

You kept.

Yeah. I kept.

Who is this?

That's...

your son.

It's Mort Greenbaum.

"Mort"?

Sarah had son.

How was his life?

Was he success?

Yeah. He was a foreman of a brick factory.

A foreman?

Yeah.

Who is this?

Uh...

That's Mort's son.

David Greenbaum. Your grandson.

He was also foreman?

He was an accountant.

-Accountant. -Yeah.

This his wife?

Mm-hmm.

Who is this very shapely young woman here?

That's me.

These are your parents.

Where are they?

They passed away.

I'm very sorry.

Murdered or regular?

It was a car crash.

So, regular.

You will tell me everything of their death

so I may bear witness to your grief.

How their bodies died, their faces as the life left.

Be very specific.

Spare no detail.

We will bond over our pain.

No detail too small.

We don't have to get into that right now.

You wanna get outta here? Let's go to Smorgasburg.

They have jackfruit nachos that are actually really good.

We will go to cemetery now.

Visit Greenbaum family grave, pay our respect to dead.

Actually, I'm not sure...

I don't think the cemetery's open right now.

So we go to cemetery tomorrow.

I think it was maybe supposed to rain.

So I guess weather permitting.

All right. But now we go to shul,

we say Mourner's Kaddish, prayer for dead.

Must properly honor memory of Sarah, Mort, your parents.

Yeah, I'm not...

I'm not sure that's something I want to do right now.

But I would be happy to walk you over there.

What is problem?

It's not a problem.

I guess I understand why you're a religious person.

That makes sense for someone from your era.

But I am not...

I'm not very religious.

You do not know Mourner's Kaddish?

Not anymore, no.

How do you grieve for dead parents

if you do not say prayer for dead?

I'm doing okay.

I do not understand.

You were raised Jew.

Yeah.

Are you not still Jew?

Technically.

I also had a Jumanji-themed bar mitzvah.

It's not like I was that religious

in the first place.

Also, like, organized religion is very regressive.

Praise Hashem, there is still beautiful Greenbaum plot.

Very special place. Very special.

Tell me, how high is elm tree now?

100 feet?

200 feet?

Yeah. Something like that. Probably. I'm not 100% sure.

When last time you come?

I don't know, maybe like five years ago, or somethin'.

So been a little while.

Wait.

It's this way.

This way!

Sweet Hashem.

You let them put garbage.

And you let them put huge sign block out sun and kill tree!

Yeah, it's not on our property.

There's nothing we can do about it.

Sarah.

You okay?

We will pray.

Hey, guys!

Sorry, you can't be there.

What?

We're putting up a billboard!

What it say?

It's an ad for vanilla-flavored vodka.

Vanilla-flavored...

...vodka?

Cossacks.

Cossack!

Hershel, what are you doin', man?

You will take down vanilla vodka...

or I will do violence.

What?

You will take down vanilla vodka...

or I will do violence.

Look, buddy, I don't have time for--

Oh, shit. No!

-Stop! -Yes!

Stop!

Come on! Come on!

Ben! Ben!

Come on!

You can never stop the Greenbaums!

You will never stop the Greenbaums!

Your payment's been processed. You're free to go.

Fantastic.

We must go back to grave.

We will cut down Cossack billboard.

Dude, if we do that,

we're gonna go back to jail. So, no.

Okay. We must purchase billboard from Cossack,

which I do not like,

and then we cut down billboard.

First off, the Cossacks don't own it.

Second off, it's owned by some giant billboard company.

It costs $200,000.

Then we buy from giant company and then we cut down billboard.

Why are you being so difficult about this?

I can't afford it!

You have moneys? Your parents leave you moneys?

I don't have $200,000.

You have all this, so you have moneys.

How much moneys you have?

I have some money left, but I don't have a lot left.

And I have a lot less now that I had to bail us

out of jail, Herschel.

It's not my fault!

What is your fault is that you started a fight with

some construction workers!

Someone has to defend honor of family. Not you.

And I'd be defending the honor of our family more

if I wasn't busy trying to create a company

and a product, man!

You're busy? Oh, yes. Not selling Boop Bops.

You don't understand how much pressure there is

on this stuff. Okay?

I'm trying to make it perfect.

Blue. Green. Red. Who cares?

Pick a color!

Companies are made or broken by the color of their logo!

Let me tell you something.

In Schlupsk, we have saying.

Oh, good. Yeah, what is it? I'm sure this has aged well.

If man says he is going to throw punch,

but he does not throw punch,

it is because this man secretly has polio arm.

This is you.

You have polio arm.

This your polio arm.

Throw your punch!

Do something, Ben!

Don't just sit there, looking at Boop Bops.

Blue, yellow, green! Who cares?

Throw your punch!

Okay. Fine! You know what? Fine! Fine!

-Good. Good. Do it. -I'll email the guy.

No choice anyway. I have no money.

It's not ready. Logo's not right.

Who cares about the stupid logo?

You know they cured polio, right?

-They did? -Yes, they did.

A long time ago. A guy named Jonas Salk.

Was he Jew?

He was. Yes.

-He was Jewish? -Yes.

Yes! Knew it.

Oh, yeah, big win.

I would look at polio people and think,

"They could fix this."

You thought that?

This problem not unfixable problem.

You put a Jew on this, he will fix this.

Very prophetic of you, Herschel.

I was right. Very good.

He's texting back.

He says my idea's "straight fire."

That's a good thing.

He wants me to come in today and pitch my idea in person.

He wants your Boop Bops.

-This is a big deal, Herschel. -Yes.

He wants my Boop Bops.

Ben, what's up?

Hey! How's it going, man?

We're not gonna invest.

-What? -Yeah. Sorry, man.

What's the problem?

Before you came in, we googled your name

and the first thing that comes up is your arrest.

Look, it's just bad optics.

I mean, the whole app is about ethics,

and the founder is a violent criminal.

Like, if you Boop Bopped Boop Bop,

you'd get a really low Boop Bop score.

Is there anything we can do?

Can we spin this or something like that?

Oh, no. Definitely not.

No one's gonna touch this, man. This is...

This idea is dead.

Look, consider this an opportunity.

I mean, there's tons of other ideas.

-How long did it take to come up with this?

-Five years.

Five years. That's--

Long time.

Yeah, that's a while.

Sorry to disappoint you, I guess.

Maybe you can make an app where it doesn't matter

if the founder's a bad person.

Like a social media thing.

Hey. I don't know if you want my advice, man,

but it's never too late to do things completely differently.

You know?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Take care, man.

Call me if you got anything new.

Did you get moneys?

No. I didn't get moneys.

And I'm afraid that I might never get moneys

for my business that is based on ethics

now that I have a criminal record for assault

because of you!

I was worried no one would want your Boop Bops

because is terrible idea. So...

I have other idea.

We start pickle business.

Is good business. Jewish business.

I have knowledge of pickling.

I was myself a pickle.

That's a very stupid idea, Herschel.

It will work.

We will start pickle business.

We will become success.

You will finally make dead parents proud.

Don't you talk about my parents.

You never talk about my parents!

You don't know anything about them!

You never met them!

'Cause you were too busy getting pickle-brined

for 100 years!

It's your fault, Herschel.

You got us arrested.

You ruined my business that I spent years on!

It's a good thing Sarah's not around anymore.

'Cause if she was, she would be ashamed of you.

You hear this vow.

I will create pickle empire.

I will make $200,000.

I will buy back Cossack land.

And I will cut down billboard.

I will prove you stupid.

Because you are my enemy.

You dishonor Greenbaum name.

We are no longer family.

Good luck with that.

You don't know jack shit about shit, man.

You can't even read from what I can tell.

You're gonna start a pickle empire?

You can't even survive out there without my help!

Do not need help from anybody.

I will prove you stupid with no help from anybody ever!

I would like to purchase. How much?

Looks like these are 90 cents apiece.

Terribly sorry, little boy. It sounds to me

like you are saying these cucumbers

are 90 cents apiece.

I am.

Cucumber.

And salt.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, my God. Kevin, look.

Artisanal pickles.

Well, he's not on Yelp.

Sir. How local is your produce?

I make pickle here in Brooklyn.

And are they all-natural?

Is pickle.

But do you add any chemicals like,

you know, benzoates or preservatives?

I do not even know these words.

Oh, I like your style.

Ooh, let's see.

Wow! Ooh.

Just hits me in my throat.

Very pungent.

Let me smell it.

Oh! Yeah, that burns.

You can feel the burn.

I can, like, smell it in my eye.

Feel the sting.

Give it to me again. Let me smell it.

Mm, yeah, that's straight from the devil.

Satanic. Oh, it stinks.

You know what, it would go so good

with the kelp ceviche.

Oh, my God, that's right. How much do we owe you?

You want to buy?

Of course.

Is four dollar for pickle.

Three dollar less than big store

and I include the scum.

-Okay. Sure. -Okay! Yeah, scum.

-Here you go. -That's great.

Scum it is.

You no haggle.

Haggle? No, I mean, it seems like four dollars

is appropriate for one pickle.

Yeah, unless you got a coupon.

Ew!

Also, you bring back jar when you finish.

-He reclaims his jars. He reclaims his jars.

-Wow.

There is nothing wrong with used jar.

They same after many, many use.

Amen to that!

-Amen. -Amen.

You are religious.

Amen! Well, thank you so much. Have a good day.

Don't forget bring back jar.

Or I will find you, and I will do

terrible violence.

You know what? You should do a post on him.

Oh. Yeah. How could I not?

Hey, man, how's it going?

Yeah, not fantastic.

I found out I gotta basically throw away

the app I was working on,

and start again from scratch.

-Bummer. -Yeah. Big bummer.

But I'll think of something.

It's about the smell.

You know is good.

Pickles should smell like vomit.

Excuse me, what is that?

It's a blog post about that old-timey pickle guy

over on Bedford.

Oh, yeah. I heard about that guy.

It's crazy, right? Look, here, check it out.

Herschel's jars have no label,

and his product doesn't even have a name.

But he just might be the most authentic

artisanal pickler in all of Williamsburg.

And his accent is cute AF.

Hello.

Aww! Oh, my God!

So he uses, like, repurposed pickle jars,

cucumbers, salt and rainwater, and that's it.

Time to invest right now, right?

Is this a popular blog?

This video's got like a million views,

so people are loving this pickle guy.

Maybe we should sell those here.

Picklebacks, pickle shots. That's cool, right?

Looks cool.

I know.

Herschel, your pickles are the hottest thing in Brooklyn.

How does it feel to be such a runaway success?

Ben Greenbaum, you see me now on your television box.

Well, I become huge success.

Soon I buy back Cossack billboard

and I prove you are stupid.

You are stupidest person I ever seen in my life.

Wow, that Ben guy really sounds stupid.

...genius compared to you.

Okay. Not sure who Ben is.

Herschel, I understand your pickles are made

with rainwater.

-Rainwater, yes. -Yes.

Rainwater from gutters.

Nutrients from roof come off into jar.

There's bird droppings in there?

All sorts of animal parts in here.

Little essence of animal feet.

Could you pull over, please?

Hello. Health Department?

I'd like to file a complaint.

-There you go. You take pickle.

-Gratitude.

Are you Herschel Greenbaum?

Yes, 14 dollar for pickle.

Ten dollar extra if you want telephone photograph

with the Herschel.

Get in line.

Listen, you're gonna have to shut this down immediately.

Why shut down?

Because you've got dozens of flagrant health violations.

You can't just take food out of a garbage can

and sell it to people.

-That's insane. -But is all-natural. Is vegan.

No benzoate. No preservative.

You're lucky no one has died.

You owe $12,000 in taxes, fees and fines.

Till then, you are shut down.

Ew. Guys.

Eighty-six the pickles. They're made out of garbage.

Nope.

Oh, my God.

-CHRISTIAN: Herschel, we heard the terrible news.

-KEVIN: Yeah, what happened?

I was shut down by evil woman.

They tell me I have to "bring things up to code."

I do not know how to do this all by myself.

-You could scale up the business, right?

-True.

-Maybe hire some workers. -That's good.

Cannot afford workers.

You could get interns!

Yes.

"Interns"?

Yeah, they're unpaid workers.

Unpaid workers.

Right. You compensate them in education and experience.

Like slave?

No, no, no. That's not what I mean.

That's a little bit of an oversimplification.

Now, listen, Herschel. You run a small,

ethically conscious...

Next.

Mr. Greenbaum, I would just like to thank you in advance

for considering me for this internship.

My name is Clara. I am a rising senior at NYU.

I have a 4.2 GPA. I am president

of the Asian Cinema Club--

Show me your teeth.

Yes.

Herschel is back!

Gloves, here you go. Everyone needs gloves.

That's the regulation.

Like the beard tucked in. That's important!

All right. Let's get this up to code, people.

Just pickling. No talking.

No!

No, no, no!

CLARA: Almost there. Keep it up!

All right!

This is what we're reaching for, everybody.

This is the dream.

This is the goal.

Perfect jar of pickle.

Go.

Hey there!

Yes!

Yes, yes, yeah!

Thank you.

Yeah!

Move it, move it!

Hurry! Hurry up!

It says your deed on the lot is paid in full.

Cut it down.

Herschel win! Yeah!

This is the beginning. Right? You heard it here first, folks.

Benjamin Greenbaum is gonna change the world.

That's what you're gonna do.

Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it.

We know it. We know it.

Oh, yeah. Bill Gates, move over.

-Move over, Bill Gates. -Watch out, Bill.

Ben Greenbaum's got your number.

I appreciate it. Thank you, guys.

And we know you're gonna do such great things.

Great things. -And speaking of...

Guys.

-It's just a little... -A little something.

Oh, my God.

It's an investment. An investment

in your new company.

-We wanted to get in on the ground floor.

-Yes, absolutely. Bottom.

My company doesn't even have a name yet, so I think

it's a little premature.

Come on! You'll think of something.

You could just call it "Mom and Dad."

You're so creative, inventive.

"Mom and Dad." I like that--

I have done it.

I have restored honor to family and conquered the Cossacks.

Congrats.

Now I have some free time on my hands,

so I have good news.

Herschel is back.

I have decided I would come back

to be with you.

Not for me. I am fine. Very stable.

Not ups and downs. Herschel feel very happy

all the time.

Oh, yeah?

But for Ben, I figure maybe I come back and I help you.

You have no wife, no children, no friends, and now no job.

You need help!

Herschel will help. Do not worry.

Go away, Herschel. I don't want you here.

Okay?

Just please leave my apartment.

But I am only family you have left.

You need Herschel.

Without Herschel, you'll be all alone.

No one to fix broken life.

My life isn't broken, Herschel.

I'm fine. I'm completely happy.

The only problem I have right now, honestly, is you.

Just please go!

If you do not realize you need Herschel,

you are stupider than Polish person.

And they are the stupidest.

How's your Twitter presence these days, Herschel?

What is Twitter?

"What is Twitter?" You don't know what Twitter is?

Big, powerful pickle magnate like you doesn't know

what Twitter is?

I might know what it is by other word.

Well, maybe tell me what it is. Clarify.

Twitter, you know, it's a marketplace of ideas

where the world's best and brightest come

to share their opinions

in a very measured and reasonable manner. Twitter.

I will do Twitter.

You probably think you can but it's very complicated.

I don't think you'll get it.

-I can do anything. -I don't think you can.

-Can you do Twitter? -Oh, I can do Twitter.

If you can do Twitter, I can do Twitter.

In order to do Twitter really well,

you gotta be raw and uncensored

and share your completely unfettered opinions.

I don't think you'll be good at that.

-I will do Twitter! -Really? I don't know.

You watch me, Ben! I will do Twitter.

I will do Twitter better than anyone has ever

done Twitter.

Well, I'll believe it when I see it, Herschel.

You will see it. And you will believe it.

Well, have at it, my friend!

Watch.

Sir, some people hire a publicity team to help.

No help.

I will be Twitter and nothing can stop me now.

Now read me back my dictation.

Okay.

"Wheelchair people,

-my pickles are so good... -Yes.

...it will make you forget Hashem has cursed you."

Hashem has cursed their legs but not their mouths.

They can eat pickle.

-Is good. -Okay.

-Send to Twitter. -Sending.

"We sell to all peoples

even woman, unless they are menses,

in which case, stay in tent."

Stay in tent.

Next Twitter.

-"Attention, sodomites." -Yes.

"Hashem will smite you for your sin!

You will burn in flames for your crimes against God.

Buy my pickles."

Perfect to send.

Very good.

Yep.

Oh, lots of customers today.

Those are not customers. Those are protesters.

You're disgusting, man!

How dare you?

"Protesters"?

Down with Herschel!

Down with Herschel!

Down with Herschel!

Down with Herschel!

Sir, as grateful as I am to you

for this educational opportunity,

I am afraid that I can no longer

continue this endeavor in good conscience.

Thank you for the college credit.

Clara!

Down with Herschel! Down with Herschel!

You traitor!

After everything I do for you!

I'm sorry.

Down with Herschel!

Go away! Go away!

Who is Herschel Greenbaum?

And what is he selling?

Is it pickles?

Or is it hate?

Greenbaum's tweets are so outrageous,

they seem almost designed to cause offense.

You're insane!

He's drawing protests and boycotts.

But maybe that's the point.

Some view him as a hateful bigot

with rage in his heart.

Others see him as a defender of free speech,

a clever provocateur testing the limits

of the First Amendment.

Look, I get it. He's saying

some controversial things

but he's religious, so I believe him.

He's what we need right now.

Everybody in the mainstream media's like,

"Herschel's this terrible person."

I think they got it all wrong.

He's playing chess. Everybody else

is playing checkers.

Tonight, we'll find out who

Herschel Greenbaum really is

from the man himself, Herschel Greenbaum.

Tell me, Herschel. How do you respond

to those who have called your belief system abhorrent?

I would tell these people

I do not understand what this word means.

So, what you're saying is when it comes to online speech

you don't understand restrictions.

I am saying I do not understand

what is happening.

I do not understand...

what is happening...

with this whole thing.

What is happening

with this whole thing?

With our culture, our country, our way of life?

This is a question Herschel Greenbaum

for better or worse, is determined to ask.

What is happening?

What is happening right now?

I really wish somebody would tell me

what is happening.

Indeed.

Herschel, you have captivated the imagination,

the hearts and minds of the entire world

with your passion and your truth.

Buy my pickle. Buy my pickle. Buy my pickle.

We will.

Okay, be that as it may

your stance on gender roles is so regressive

that it would effectively limit women to a life of servitude.

Exactly, servitude. Woman like to serve.

She has little hands for serving things to people

in very nice, graceful way.

Women have nipples to serve milk to people.

Woman have hole in lower body to produce babies.

In other words, serve babies out of hole in body.

Yeah. Yeah!

Woman like serve! Yes!

Incredibly offensive.

-Someone is menses. -No.

That debate is certainly settled.

Let's throw it to the audience for questions.

You, sir.

Herschel, wow. It's amazing to talk to you.

What an honor.

Honor to be here.

I was wondering how you felt about the taxes

that are crushing small businesses.

I'm glad you ask.

You tax Herschel, Herschel will do

violence to you.

Yes, terrible violence!

Miss.

Herschel, have you considered running for office?

I would like office.

I would like big office.

I would like biggest office in America!

Huge office!

Oh, how about you? In the back.

Yes, the shapely young woman in the back row. Cannot see.

Yes, thank you. Hello. Thank you.

I was wondering what your thoughts are

on Christian prayer in public schools.

Yes, thank you.

Oh, simple question. Easy to answer.

I don't think I'm saying anything controversial

when I say everybody know Jesus Christ mother

was prostitute.

-And she invent story

of Christianity

to cover up fact that she prostitute.

So if you believe in Jesus,

you are stupid idiot.

You suck, Herschel! I'm gonna get you!

We interrupt your

regularly scheduled program

to bring you this special report.

Herschel Greenbaum the time-traveling immigrant

who captured America's hearts and minds

has fallen hard from grace.

The public outcry against his bigotry

is spreading throughout the country.

He's been condemned by leaders on the left and right.

And that's not all.

Authorities are apparently calling for his deportation.

Due to an outdated filing system

at the Ellis Island storage facility,

his paperwork cannot be located.

Therefore, his citizenship has been revoked.

If you have information about the whereabouts

of the fugitive illegal alien Herschel Greenbaum,

please call the tip hotline below.

I just feel bad for this guy at this point.

Look, I don't see how Herschel

can come back from this one, folks.

Everyone has deserted him. He's alone in the world.

His life is in ruins.

And the only person he has to blame for all of it,

I'm sorry,

is Herschel Greenbaum.

The hell?

Dude.

Dude!

Stop!

Herschel, what the hell, man? What are you doing?

These Christians, they try to kill me.

They're not trying to kill you, Herschel.

They just wanna send you back to Schlupsk.

Is worse! I never go back to Schlupsk.

Everything me and Sarah sacrificed

to come here is for nothing.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, man.

I can't do anything for you.

There is something.

You must smuggle Herschel away from American authorities.

What?

I have accepted I have new fate.

I will move to Canada,

become icicle man.

I will trade beaver for fire.

It's not ideal. But this is what must happen.

I'm terribly sorry this is happening to you

and that everyone's turned on you

because you've said truly despicable things.

But I'm not gonna risk getting arrested again

to help you.

Is not help.

Is trade.

"Trade"?

I know you do not like Herschel.

I know you think your life better

before Herschel.

You take me to Canada,

you never have to see me again.

All right.

Ten miles to Canada, no roads, no checkpoints.

Just walk from here.

This will work.

Very good.

We stay warm together.

Thank you.

There's the border.

We made it.

Oh, shit. Someone's coming. Here.

Come on. Here, come on, come on.

This way, this way.

Stop. Stop!

Looks like they're just taking a break or something.

So we'll just chill here till they're gone.

You do not mind?

No, I don't mind.

-Is there a lot of woods in Schlupsk?

-Forest.

-What's the difference? -Wolves.

Oh, wow.

Sarah loved to chase wolf.

She would club them with stick,

hit them with rock, kill them.

Very good time.

She sounds pretty amazing.

I wish I could have met her.

Although, maybe it's for the best that I didn't.

Why you say this?

I'm probably not, like,

the best-case scenario for what the family's become.

She probably wouldn't be too psyched to,

you know, to see who I am.

Not so sure.

Perhaps once I live in Canada,

you come to visit Herschel.

You know, maybe--

-Maybe you don't have to go to Canada.

-What do you mean?

I mean, now that I think about it,

you know, maybe we just haven't exhausted all of our options.

You don't have to go hide in Canada for the rest

of your life.

We'll fix this, and in the meantime,

you can stay with me. We'll figure it out.

You do not want this.

What do you mean?

You try to get rid of Herschel.

Take Herschel to middle of wilderness

to take Herschel to Canada.

You hate Herschel.

I'm just gonna tell you this, man.

I'm the one who called the Health Department on you.

I got you shut down. That was me.

And that's not all I did.

I told you to go on Twitter,

knowing you would say despicable things.

You always do.

And I did that to sabotage your business.

Is this it?

No. After the Twitter thing didn't destroy you,

I attended the debate you were having.

I went to the back row and I disguised my voice

and I asked the question about Christian prayer in school.

I knew exactly what you were gonna say.

I'm so sorry, Herschel.

It was wrong. I shouldn't have done it.

I caused this whole thing to happen. Do you forgive me?

-Wait. -You are traitor

to your family!

You are not Jew!

Hey! Hey, you! Stop right there!

232, requesting backup.

Where'd he go?

I think it's that pickle guy from the news.

Come on.

Herschel Greenbaum!

We know you're out there.

Where is this guy?

Hello there, dudes.

Who are you?

I am Ben Greenbaum.

Where's Herschel Greenbaum?

Herschel is back there.

You better get him before he escapes.

I'm on it.

-All right. You're free to go. -Found him!

Thanks.

All right, get up.

All right, we got him.

We got a positive ID on Herschel Greenbaum.

-You have the right to remain silent.

What?

Anything you say can and will be used against you

in a court of law.

And now, breaking news.

This is Susan O'Malley standing inside the Manhattan Federal

Courthouse

for what has been labeled one of the most bizarre trials

of the century.

Herschel Greenbaum has been deemed

a persona non grata on American soil.

His deportation trial got off to a strange start

as his lawyer put forth a truly unexpected defense,

that Herschel Greenbaum was not,

in fact, actually Herschel Greenbaum.

This is Ben Greenbaum.

This is Herschel

who switched places with him because as you can see

Herschel Greenbaum has a beard

whereas my client, Ben, has no beard.

I object, Your Honor.

What precedent are we setting here?

That the defendant isn't actually the defendant?

Well, then, maybe Charles Manson

wasn't actually Charles Manson.

Let me try something really fast.

So I'm me, I'm me, the guy you know.

Is this a new guy?

With that, I move to dismiss the defense's entire case.

Granted.

Court adjourned.

Herschel was quickly put on a ship

back to Eastern Europe

returning to his home country of Schlupsk.

And with that, America can finally rest easy.

The abomination known as Herschel Greenbaum

will never wreak havoc on our great land ever again.

Back to you, Jim.

Oh, Sarah.

"Boop. Bop."

Excuse me, do you speak English?

No?

Excuse me. Hi.

Do you guys speak English? No? No?

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello.

Excuse me?

Excuse me, hi.

I need help. I'm very cold.

Do you know where maybe they'll help me?

Do you know where I could go for some help?

Thank you.

I only speak English. I'm sorry.

You are Jew?

Yeah.

We are need ten Jew men for make minyan

for Kaddish.

Prayer for dead.

I don't know the words to the prayers. I'm sorry--

Is fine!

Amen.

Amen.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I've...

I've lost some people.

Who?

My parents.

Hello.

Is Herschel.

Yeah, I figured that out.

Alexa tell me how to fly here.

I am truly sorry for doing violence to you.

And getting you deported to Schlupsk.

I was wrong.

It's okay.

Is not okay.

I was wrong about you.

I thought you did not care about family.

But now I see with your Boop Bops,

you were just trying to honor family.

This is why you do not sell Boop Bops

and you sit alone all day.

Not because you are coward.

You not sell Boop Bops

because you are afraid to let down family.

But you do not.

I never met mother or father,

but they would be proud.

Sarah would be proud.

I am very proud.

You make my vow come true.

You are everything I hoped family would become.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right. Come.

I would like to show you some place.

This place is really nice.

I really get it.

It's very special place.

This was Sarah's favorite place.

She had good taste.

She would be very happy to know you see this place.

I'm glad I got to see it.

You know, I had an idea the other day.

What? What is idea?

Promise not to laugh?

I promise.

Okay, so people love your pickles.

-They do. It's true. -Can't get enough of 'em.

It's the brine. It make people go crazy.

And, you know, I'm good with the internet,

good at building websites, things like that.

So I thought maybe I can build a website,

we sell your pickles to people all around the world.

Family business.

Yeah. Family business.

You can pickle more things than cucumbers these days.

You can pickle watermelon. You can pickle strawberries.

They pickle fruit these days?

Oh, yeah. You thought they were milking a lot?

Wait till you hear what they're pickling.

Just when I think I figure it out,

you throw a pickled watermelon at me. I'm like, "Oof!"

It's a crazy world out there, man.

Many people still hate Herschel very much.

That is true.

I say many terrible things. And if one thing true

in America,

once you say terrible things, you will never be success.

That is not true. At all.

Oh, that's great news.

Still, we should make some apologies.

All I know is that whatever we do next,

we should do it together.

Together?

Yeah.

Together.

Do you wanna pray?

You do not mind?

I don't mind.

Amen.

Amen.

I like her very much.

-Barbra Streisand? -Yes.

This her name? Barbra Streisand.

-Babs. -Babs.

-She very pretty. -Oh, yeah.

She is Jew.

Oh, yes.

She is a Jew.

Very much Jew.

Very attractive trait,

dress like boy to go to yeshiva.

I've always said that.

She little Jew boy. She dress like little Jew boy.

But little Jew woman underneath there.

I like this film very much.

You're really coloring it in a new way.

It's very naughty.

It is super naughty the way you describe it. Yeah.

She is married. -She is.

One day.