American Cowslip (2009) - full transcript

foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
Kenneth,
you give him too much sugar.

It's going to rot his teeth.

Kath, he's a big boy.
He can eat what he wants.

When I was a kid...

Hi, kiddo.

...my papa told me something
that I will never, ever forget.

Life is short.

Oh, shit, I'm scared.

You do whatever
makes you happy, son.

Is that the finish line?
'Cause if it is, I'm almost there.

"Whatever makes you happy."



You're listening
to KFUK, Desert Bliss Radio.

This is Pistol Packin' Pete
giving you the morning show here.

So, what's going on
in downtown Blythe?

Well, believe it or not,
ladies and gentlemen,

we have the world's biggest
doughnut hole down at City Hall,

so go down and try to see that.

It's 82 pounds of sugar,
420 pounds of flour.

It's quite amazing, ladies and
gentlemen, so try to check it out.

Bob Jacobson from Saskatchewan
actually came all the way down

from Canada to share this with us.

Um, so, way to go, Bob.

In other news, last night, they fried up
death-row inmate Clifford Rodriguez.

So long, Clifford.

Tune in tonight to hear the live feed
of last night's event in stereo.



You're listening to KFUK,
Desert Bliss Radio.

Faster, you fat whore!

I want to see some ankles by fall!

You fat-ass!

3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi,

5 Mississippi, 6 Mississippi.

- Good morning, Coach!
- Hey! Goddamn you!

Shit bird!

I'll tear your balls off
and feed them to you, you little punk!

- You're solid, bro!
- Oh, good shot.

Hey, Inglebrink!

Mind if I use your face
for a couple of days?

My ass has gone on holiday.

Whatever you need, Coach.

Read the writing on the door,
you fruit!

Clock's a-ticking.

This is an American cowslip...

...rare, beautiful, perfect.

Hey, poopstick,
what you got there?

- Uh, the perfect flower.
- Ah, shit. Taint face.

Hey, Billy! American cowslip!

American cowslip.

Start packing, you fart blossom.

Morning, guys!
Hey, Georgia.

Huh.

Shoot. American cowslip?

Oy vey, oy vey,
oy vey, oy vey, oy vey, oy vey!

L'chaim,
l'chaim, l'chaim, l'chaim, l'chaim!

L'chaim,
l'chaim, l'chaim, l'chaim, l'chaim!

- 10.
- Okay. Mm-hmm. I call.

4, 5.

- You gonna put your money in?
- How many?

- Two.
- Two. One, two.

I raise 20...

...and the secret to your day lilies.

Oh, boy.

- Sandy, it's just water.
- Who the hell asked you?

Well, I'm just saying.

You all were at Tom and Marcy's
wedding last month.

Those day lilies were prettier

than a glob of butter on a stack
of wheat cakes.

- Bat guano.
- Bat guano?

Bat guano.

You see? There was a secret.

Yeah, well, you never told me that.

Well, now you know, Boo,
and if you do as I do,

then your day lilies are gonna
reach the hallways of heaven,

and that's a promise, huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Out of your mouth.

Asshole.

Okay.

Hmm. Got my eye on you.

- Uh-huh.
- Let's see.

Oh, God. Sorry, ladies.

- Oh, no!
- I know. I'm sorry.

Fuck me! Fuck me!
Bingo! Cleaned me out again!

Oh, come on, ladies.
Feel good about yourselves.

-You're helping pay my rent.
-Fair enough.

- Did you rig this?
- No! No, look, I got three of a kind.

I would have beat you,
and I would have beat you.

You rigged it.

Ethan, honey, you okay?

You look a little pale, and sweaty, too.

Maybe he needs
to squeeze one out.

Baby, do you need
to launch a corn rocket?

Lou! Barbra!

It's Miss Streisand, for Christ's sake.

You feeling all right?
Is your tummy bothering you?

Do you have to go make a big
poo-poo?

What are -- what are you doing, Babs?

Are you hot? Stand up.

- Stand up.
- Oh, okay.

Drop 'em. And spread your mudflaps.

- Barbra! Barbra!
- What?

This isn't the first time I've done this.
Do you have a better idea?

- Under his arm?
- His arm?

I'm fine. It's fine. Angel, it's fine.
I don't have a fever.

Party pooper.

Oh.

What?

Carpet muncher.

Oh! You girls.

Ethan? Hey, um,
how's your blood sugar?

You know what?
That's probably it.

The blood sugar. It's not good.
It's not good at all.

- Well, where's your insulin?
- It's...

- Want me to get it for you?
- No.

I'm gonna go take my shot, so, okay?

Attaboy. It's gonna make you
feel better. You'll see.

Yes, it is.

Um, excuse me, ladies.

Why is his newspaper wrapped up
like a burrito with the duct tape?

I remember Nicky Nolte
used to get packages like that

when we did "Prince of Tides."

Oh, please, Barbra.
Diabetes is nothing to scoff at.

I saw a special
on public TV last week,

and they said you could die from it.

We've got to stay on him
and see that he takes it on time,

like clockwork.

Yeah, tick-tock,
tick-tock, tick-tock.

Absolutely.

Ah, thank God
for the morning newspaper.

Trevor in those tight polyester shorts
like some half a fag.

I know.

Well, he does have the legs
of a young Tommy Selleck.

I would let him donkey-punch me
every day of the week.

And twice on Sunday.

It's disgusting.
Shriveled-up A-hole.

Ow, pardon me.
A little help here, please.

Oh, God, you know,
I have been so sick lately.

I'm having the darndest time
trying to find a vein.

We've got one right here.
We've got one right here.

Honey, you got
so many holes in your arms,

I can't even find a place to stick it.

Ohh.

Makes me sick.
I feel like fainting.

- It's so nasty.
- You want to talk about nasty?

Listen, I'm the one that had to change
my late husband Ray's diapers.

I found him laying face down
in a lake of salmonella shit,

infected,

and he had his mortar-rigorized
pecker right in his hand.

He'd been jerking off to a December
issue of Boys Outdoors.

- That's a good magazine.
- That's nasty, honey.

Sons of bitches, all of them.

Except for you, darlin'.

It's like being in jail sometimes.
Isn't that right, Lou Anne?

I'm sorry. I mean --
I mean, Barbra. Excuse me.

Hey, I didn't push him.
He jumped.

- Yeah.
- And not before he broke both my ribs.

Oh.

I'm going home to wash my hair.

I'm having lunch
with Jimmy Brolin tomorrow.

Good night, Miss Streisand.

Love you, Roe. Bye.

Hi, big guy!
You want to supersize me?

Nice! I know what I'm gonna order
next time I go to the drive-through.

Wait till we get inside.

Somebody's getting
their muffin buttered.

Oh, this is my brother Wolfgang
from my dad's second marriage.

Uh-huh!

Who knew?

You guys need to come over
for dinner!

Oh! Yes.

Well, no, uh,
Wolfgang's allergic to food.

Hey, yo, pops!
How's come I gotta go last?

'Cause you're my kid, goddamn it.

Come on, baby.

Oh! Uh-huh.

See you in the morning, sweetheart.

Hey! Yeah, you, dumb-ass!

Why the hell you wearing a tux?

Jesus!

Good night, little guy.

Oh, my God! Hey, buddy!

You're still wearing the tux?

Well, you know, the washer's --
washer's broken.

What... is wrong with you?

What are you doing to yourself?

Oh, the cereal.

I know, it's loaded with sugar,
but it tastes so good!

Come here, get a little. Hmm?

Are you out of your mind?
Are you insane?

You've got confetti in your hair.

You're dying.

You're completely divorced from God.

You need help.

What are you talking about?
I'm fine!

- I'm -- look at me. I'm doing good!
- Ethan, I'm not kidding.

I'll arrest you if I have to.

"No man hath greater love than this --
that a man lay down...

his life for his brother."

John...15, or thereabouts.

Okay.

You're dancing with the devil.

Oh, my God!

- I don't want to do that.
- No.

You're gonna come to church with me.
This Sunday.

I want to help you.
I'm here to help you, Ethan.

Father Randolph
wants to help you, too.

A lot of people want to help you.

You ever miss Dolores?

I do.

- Every day.
- Yeah.

She's with God now.

So is Mom.

So is Dad.

So is... Dolpho.

Loved that gerbil.

Oh! He was the neatest little guy.

- Remember that?
- Sweet.

You remember the time you --

you taught him how to crawl
through those used toilet-paper rolls?

Yeah, you'd be like,
"Get inside my hole, little buddy.

Get inside my h--"

No.

This is silly.
Come in, come in, come in.

No, not until
you take responsibility for yourself

and accept Jesus Christ
as your Lord and Savior.

Look at yourself.
You -- you haven't changed.

You haven't cleaned up
since the reception.

You've got an odor --
your own particular odor.

It's making me ill. I'm throwing up
in my mouth a little bit.

At least the garden looks good.

Well, yeah, I planted a cowslip.

What?

A cowslip.
An American cowslip.

Well, that's...

Well, see, that's -- that's great.
That's beautiful.

That's what I don't understand.

How can you treat one
of God's creatures with such respect,

and then -- and then... this?

Yeah.

You think about that.

Hard.

I miss you, buddy.

I miss you, too.

I just don't want to bury you in that tux.

Come on!
This is a great tux.

Look at this tux.
This is a great tux, Todd.

I mean...

I know.
Dad looked great in it.

Sunday.

Sunday.

Huh.

Bye, Todd.

Hey, Billy.

Hey! Douchebag!
That loud enough for you?

- I can't hear you!
- I said, is it loud enough for you?

Yeah, it's fine, thanks!

Turn it down!

I can't. It's not for me.
It's for these gerber daisies.

It's like they refuse to grow
without it, you know?

Turn it down!
Damn it, turn it down!

If I was gonna strike you,
you'd never see it coming,

'cause I'm a cougar in the jungle.

I'm a wily coyote.

Y-you're a wily coyote?

Absolutamente.

Now, get up,
and talk to me like a man.

Come on!
You got my money?

You got a check for me?

You failed to respond
to the "sorry sack of shit" sign

on your door,

as well as four registered letters
from my attorney.

Listen, I don't get
to the post office much, Coach.

They didn't go to the post office,
shit bird.

They went directly to you,
and you signed for them.

I mean, maybe the termites
signed for them.

Yeah, I'm gonna terminate you.

You gonna play hardball
with a hardballer, huh?

Bull's-eye!
Good morning, assholes!

If I get ahold of you,
you're gonna eat your asshole out!

Yeah, whatever.
Suck on this, turd muncher!

You're a zero on the scoreboard...
dunce.

Hell...

You're a very mean man, Trevor.

You don't know the half of it.

Oh, God!
My poor butt!

Oh, my poor cojones.

Creep.
God Almighty.

You're going down, sonny.

You can do this...

One small step for man.

One giant step for me.

It's just a curb, just --only a street.

Just do it.

One day, I'll walk freely
amongst other men.

Not today.

Roe? Could you drop my application
off in the mailbox for me?

What you got there?

I thought they picked up
senior citizens' mail.

This is Ethan's garden application
for the garden contest.

There's a wastebin
right across the street.

Why don't you toss it in there?

Are you scared, Coach,
that you might actually lose for once?

I never lose, especially not to a loser.

Well, I see you're already prepared.

You got a whole truckload
full of compensation if you need it.

- Recipe for victory.
- Uh-huh.

See my plate there?

"NZONE33" -- that's me.

33, All-Conference.

- I can't lose.
- Well... we'll see.

Minors can't beat majors.
That dunce is a done deal.

It's a beautiful, sunny
morning in Blythe, California, folks.

It's a mere 111 degrees outside.

So, we're gonna start
your morning with some Ultrarev.

You're listening to Blythe,
Desert Bliss Radio.

Toss me the sponge.

Hi.

What are you waving at, weirdness?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

You're nippin'. Go in the house.
Put some clothes on.

You're gonna catch a cold.

Dad, it's like 100 degrees outside.

- I said go put some clothes on.
- That's just stupid.

Now, Georgia Beatrice Dertine.

Come on! Have some joy in your life,
for Christ's sake.

Yeah, that's a nice look, just like Mom.

She was a real beauty.

Hey, sugar snap!

Ethan!

One foot
in front of the other, retard!

So help me God, Trevor,
if you don't shut your mouth!

- There, faggot.
- Oh, Ethan!

Are you okay, sweetheart?
You scratched yourself!

Oh, you scratched yourself bad!

Ah, Jesus!
How am I supposed to fix this?

It's all right. It's all right.

I'm gonna go get
some stuff for you, okay?

But, you know, we gotta get you
some pills for this agoraphobic thing

because it's really bad.

Why don't you pour some
moonshine on him... set him on fire?

I'm sure you got some
tucked away somewhere.

Or he does...
in a closet next to his tutu!

Like I was saying,
put some iodine on that.

- You take care of that right now.
- Yes, ma'am.

I'm gonna go get your stuff.

Oh, my God!
He got a boo-boo on his wee-wee!

You all worried
about his wee-wee now, Trevor?

Is that because that old pecker
of yours just doesn't work anymore?

I got some female fans, sweetie.

Yeah, they seem very satisfied.

Oh, but forgive me.
Where are my manners, Roe?

- Would you like a poke?
- What?

I've got some horny goat weed here.

Let's twist some up
and burn 'em in my whirlpool.

That's not a very nice
thing to say, Coach.

What do you know
about women, lightfoot?

What do you think you are?

You think you're Don Juan,
snake shit?

Do you think you're Casanova?

Casanova was a warrior, not a wimp.

You're an asshole.

An utter, utter asshole.

I think you're overwatering
your day lilies, Coach.

Sweetie boy, I'm gonna tell you a fact.

Garden of the Year...

Trevor O'Hart, winner.

- Best of luck to you, Coach.
- Luck has nothing to do with it.

Luck is for the unlucky.
I don't need it. Ha!

I don't need any of this shit.

I don't need this soap-opera crap!

Oh, my God.

I could crush you!

Like a bug, squatty.

Crush you like a fucking roach.

What about my check, 'cause you
know he's never paid me nothing.

You, uh... you haven't
paid him yet, sweet pea?

Not yet.

Well, what about all the poker money?

Well, you girls can't keep
letting me win forever. Hmm?

I love you, Roe.

I love you, too, kiddo.

You're in my heart.

See you later.

Awesome.

Morning, little guy!

A little bit of music's
gonna make it all better, little man.

I like your tux.

I like your tux.

Thanks. It's my dad's.
He never wears it.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know, you know?
He's -- he's feeling badly today.

He looked fine yesterday.

Yeah, he di--

How'd you know?

I watch you garden
and watch you watching me

and you watching the girl across
the street and her watching you.

- Samantha?
- Yeah, the hooker.

Why would you say
something like that?

No, no, she -- she works
over at Biggaburger.

No, she doesn't.

But it's really sweet that you think that.
It's kind of cute.

That's, uh, that's a lot of watching.

Yeah, well, I don't really
have anything else to do,

except watch people and gossip,

and I don't really have
anyone to gossip with,

so it's kind of boring -- my life.

Yeah, yeah, I kind of
just keep to myself, too.

No, you don't.
You're always talking to somebody.

Everybody either hates you
or loves you.

- You think?
- I know.

This is an American cowslip.

- You should feed him.
- Yeah.

You want to do it with me?

Yeah, I've always wanted do it
with you.

Why is he all alone?

Well, you know,
it's one of the only flowers

that -- that -- that realizes
its full potential for broken beauty

if left completely alone.

Hmm. It's kind of like you, isn't it?

It's cute.

It is cute.

And it's gonna be beautiful
beyond all belief when it grows up.

Oh, boy. Would you hand me
that bag from over there?

Yeah.

Now, this is...

bat dookie,

and these little guys
just eat it up, you know?

That should do it.

You just saved him.

Good.

Maybe we can start on you now.

That's good.
Too much might hurt him.

See you, Candy.

Oh, God, man.

- Looks like fuckin' Elmer Fudd.
- Geez, he's drooling!

Come on, Billy.

This is a fucked-up neighborhood,
dude.

Look at those two across the street
from the retard, in the tuxes.

Hi.

Maybe she's a hooker, too.

- Hey, there, guys.
- Hey, penguin.

Bitch.

Bitch.

She's just confused right now,
but she's... she's a good woman.

- You want to go plant some seeds?
- Sure.

Like so.

Like that?

Take some of these.

It must be lonely,
all alone under the dirt, in the dark.

Are you lonely?

Me?

No, no. I mean, I got --
I got Roe, you know?

I've got the... the girls. I...

Mm-hmm.

Sometimes.

Yeah, me too.

Blythe blows.

- You know Billy?
- Yeah, the special kid with the cube.

Yeah, he's special.

He's also retarded.

I think "mentally challenged"
is more appropriate.

You mean to tell me that he's retarded
and he's mentally challenged?

Jesus Christ.

- That's a tough break, huh?
- Right.

Hey, wake up!

Embarrassing.

I'm narcoleptic.

Bullshit, you are.

Either I'm boring you
or you're a junkie.

Don't you ever get hot in that tux?

- Really?
- Nope, not really.

I'm hot.

You want to go swimming?

- You have a pool?
- Uh-huh.

Watch out for these day lilies!

Remember when you used to shoot
my dad with a BB gun from your roof?

How'd you know?

I always knew.

I don't think he ever did, though.

He was probably too drunk.

I still have it, you know.

I'm saving it for the apocalypse.

Ohh!

So, do you think you're
gonna go away to college?

Mmm, not this year.

My dad thinks I'm too young.

But I think he's just worried
that I'm gonna lose my virginity.

Oh.

But I kind of want to lose it
this summer.

Um...

- Do you drive yet?
- I have a license.

But if I did have a car, though,
good-bye, Blythe.

So... the dope.

What's the story?
Why do you do it?

All right.

Do you feel that tingling in your toes?

Or the warmth of the sun
in your belly?

Do you feel a love even greater
than what Jesus was capable of?

Whole?

Happy?

Complete?

Do you feel in perfect harmony

with everything and everyone
in the universe?

No.

I do.

Georgia?

Georgia!

Thought you'd go
for a little swim, did you?

You actually think
that I'm gonna let you hang around

with that drug addict?

Get out of the fucking pool.
Put your clothes on.

Now!

Is that my tuxedo?

What, have you gone crazy?

What, do you think
this is some kind of fairy tale?

This man is old enough
to be your father!

Ah!

- What's wrong?
- What's wrong?

Everything about you is wrong.

Everything.

This girl is 1 7 years old,

you sick fuck!

Do you hear me?
She's 1 7!

And you're just exactly like your mom,

headed down the road to be a tramp.

We weren't doing anything.

We were just swimming
and planting things.

Oh, planting.

Of course!

The planter, Johnny Appleseed.

You're something.

Let's go.

We're out of here.

Sir, she wasn't doing anything wrong.

Hey! You don't talk to me!

I ever see you near her again,
I'm gonna take a gun and kill you.

And I'm as serious as a heart attack.
Get it?

Shit!

For every high,
there's always a low.

Hey, you've reached the Kramers...

It's cool. It's cool.

It's cool.

- Hello?
- Hi, is Cary --

No, he's not.

Hey! Douchebag!

I want my money!

- Uh, emergency situation here, buddy.
- Dude, you can't wait until tomorrow?

I just hooked you up, like, yesterday.

Please, please, please,
with sugar on top?

Yeah? How much you got?

There's the rub. I, uh, was wondering
if maybe I could pay you tomorrow?

Let me think about it.

- No.
- Look, you little shit!

Pedal your ass down here right now!

- I'm hanging up now.
- Sorry, sorry. I was kidding.

- Desperate motherfucker.
- I was kidding. I was totally kidding.

Lindsey Wincott.

Yeah, she broke
my fuckin' heart, man.

Her skill set was definitely
lacking in comparison.

Lick it, fucker.

Ethan? Ethan, my child.

It's Todd, your brother.

Remember, house of the Lord
tomorrow.

Try to change and clean up a little,
and try not to smell like dookie.

Here. This will hold you up
until tomorrow.

Uh-unh, unlikely.

Yo, careful. I've always wanted
to see someone consume dog feces.

Hey, this doesn't
make me a fag, does it?

No, I don't think so.

- Does -- does this make me a fag?
- Oh, yeah, definitely.

Wow, man mouth.
A whole new world.

Ethan!

Ethan!

Ethan!

Ethan!

Ethan! Baby! Let me in.

- Boogerette!
- Hey, booger.

Hey, hey, I'm making your favorite.

Spamwich?

- You want one?
- You know me.

I always want whatever you got.

- Gotta pee!
- I think it's burning, Ethan.

- Bingo.
- I'm gonna shut it off.

Oh...

- I know what you're doing in there.
- Shh, Quiet Riot.

You don't have to hide it from me!

Kinda like sugar

Kinda like spices

Honey, I love you

Billy... he misses you a lot.

He's a good kid.
You should bring him over.

We're gonna watch some cartoons.

You need a Spamwich!

Huh?

Back in a jiffy.

Oh! It's hot!

Hope you're hungry,
'cause you are gonna love this.

Spicy Spamwich.

I don't need a Spamwich,
Ethan.

I need you to pay attention to me.

Fuck me.

My -- my -- my pee-pee's broken.
You know that.

Besides, you always
love Spamwiches, come on!

- Yeah. You're right.
- Would you do me a favor?

Would you just sit with me
for a minute, please?

Come on.

Okay, but why are you flirting
with her?

It's harmless!

You know me.

I miss us.

Aw, I know. And you've got
to start hanging out more.

Case closed!

Mm-hmm.

I got a promotion. Uh-huh.

I'm training to be a hostess.
I start on Saturday.

See? Everything sounds okay, huh?

Here.

Oh, except it has to be kept a secret,

on account of all
the other Biggaburger employees.

They might get jealous.

This stuff is so good, huh?

- You're such a nice guy.
- Yeah?

You're like a rainbow in the dark.

Thank you.

Ethan! Ethan!

Hey, come around the front.

I can't. If my dad realizes I'm gone,
he'll kill me.

My senior prom is in a couple
of weeks, and I know it's kind of lame,

but I know you have a tux, so...

Ohh! I-I can't. I, uh...

Um, you know,
my cowslip is, uh, sick,

and I got to stay here
and take care of him.

And the competition's coming up,

and my garden's completely
underwatered, so it's just...

You could do that stuff
during the day, right?

Prom's at night.

Whatever. I'm stupid.

No, Geor-- listen to me.
Georgia, listen. I just...

I can't leave.

How do I say this?

I haven't left my house, like, in...

nine years.

So, you're an agoraphobic heroin
addict that's narcoleptic and OCD?

OCD?

I can accept that.

Wait here.

Ooh, what a hot little mama.

Thank you.

You should take a shower, hot stuff.

Take a cold shower, you...
pedophiliac.

You too, you old fart.

What are you doing now?

My job. Asshole!

You can't deliver the paper twice.

You little piece of -- bag of shit.

Don't you work?

No, I'm a landlord.

- Bull's-eye, bitch!
- Shit! Damn it to hell!

Fat fuck!

Come back here,
you little piece of shit!

Here I come!

Fuck off, bitch tits!

Bitch titties!

I'm gonna get you!
I'm gonna call your boss!

I'm gonna be up your twat so far,
you won't shit for two weeks!

Yeah, right, you old cock sucker!

- Nine titles! That's a dynasty!
- Whatever!

You little shrimp prick!

Mine still works!

No dice.

- Mr. Diamond?
- Ethan?

- Where is he?
- Neil?

Oh, he's probably taking a shit.

Well, I'm gonna go
check on him.

That's ridiculous.
Why don't you give him a diaper?

You're always acting like his mama.

Well, Sandy, what if I am?
What's the problem?

Besides, I promised Katherine
that after she passed,

I would look after him.

Babs, feel like giving him an enema?

What? I don't think it's loaded.

- See? It's not.
- You're crazy.

I call it "prepared."

Girls, I think the problem
lies elsewhere.

I think he has a drinking problem.

Makes sense.

He sweats, shakes.
His eyes are always bloodshot.

And diabetes on top of that.

God, poor boy.

Ethan? Honey?

Ethan?

Oh, no.

I think she's doing it.

She is.
Making a big poo-poo.

Are you okay, sweetheart?

Baby, I'm worried about you.

Worried?

I'm fine, I swear.

I mean, I got a little touch
of the old bum tum, but, shoot,

other than that,
I'm doing pretty good, you know?

I'll be out in a minute.

Let me ask you something.
What's really going on here?

Do you have a drinking problem?

Roe.

Seriously? Have you ever seen me
drink anything other than milk?

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.
Are you sure?

Am I sure about what?

Exactly.

Okay.

Well, then, we'll be ready to play
when you come out, then.

Hello, ladies. Whoo!

- Ethan?
- Hmm?

What the hell's wrong with you lately?

What -- what are you talking about?
I'm -- I'm fine.

Are you sure?

I'm actually feeling pretty good.

Bullshit.

Your hair's all wet.
Did you take a shower?

Uh-huh.

Told you -- he was in the crapper.

- Showering?
- Crapping.

That's what people do
before they take a shower. Jesus!

Ladies, I'm fine, okay?

10.

- I call.
- Hmm?

Do I call?

Yes. Two.

One. Two.

I'm out.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Ethan?

Yes, dear?

Your cousin's wedding.

Oh. Oh, lovely, was that?
That was lovely, huh?

Three weeks ago.
You're -- you're still wearing your tux.

Well, you know, I'm just so happy
for them still, you know?

Hey, Ethan, have you talked
to Samantha lately?

Yeah.

The point is, darlin',

you know that she doesn't work
at Biggaburger anymore, don't you?

Yeah, she does.

She got promoted,
and she'll be working nights now.

Boy, you believe that?

Why wouldn't I?

Ethan, it's just that we think
you might be a little naive

about women
and their, uh, capabilities.

- Naive?
- Mm-hmm.

Ladies, I watch Animal Planet.

And one thing I know is human nature.

And that woman there --
she's about as good as they come.

What?

She has brothers.

19, actually.

Ladies, you have to remember,
she's from the south.

- Oh.
- Okay?

And her father was
a little promiscuous, so...

Listen, if I had other brothers
other than -- than -- than Todd,

you would want to meet them,
wouldn't you?

Sure.

We just don't want to see you
made a schmuck of.

She sees me the way I see myself.

Now, maybe she's
just as delusional as I am

and the rest of the world
is right on the money, but...

No, she has brothers.

That's what she says,
and I-I believe her.

Neil?

Do you remember
when we laid down the first track

to "You Don't Bring Me Flowers"?

No.

I'm sorry.
Clint, I got to sell you.

Please don't give me that look.

You know I'd never cross you.

Just do it.
Just step onto the street.

You can do it.

That's it, you can do it.

There's no cars, no buses.
Just do it.

Oh, shit, he's coming, he's coming.

Just do it, just do it, just do it!
He's coming!

I'm such a pussy.

There's some snot
running down your nose.

That raincoat's kind of cute --
polka-dot pattern there --

but it -- it ain't raining, duncehead.

It might.

Not likely.

Where you going, the drug store?

Pawnshop.

I'm gonna sell my 1976
autographed original print

of the greatest outlaw ever.

Thataway, you won't kick me
out of my life.

Good for you!

That just shows some responsibility.
I'm proud of you.

I ran into your brother, Todd,
at a Home Depot.

Why did he grow
into such a fine fellow and --

and you just became
a pile of squirrel shit?

- I mean, just a fuckup, Inglebrink.
- Could you please just go away?

I ain't in your way.

You just move right ahead.
Take a step.

What's the matter?

Need some dope?

Some smack, snort, shit,
so you could be a little more relaxed

and be with the so-called
"normal people"?

You just ain't got no resolve.
That's what it's all about.

Or you lost it.

Just like Kenney, your dad.

He was a great ballplayer, you know?

But one day, he just lost heart.

He walked straight out into traffic
and became a pancake.

I could never figure that one out.

I liked Kenney.

I even like you.

I can't figure that one out, either.

Ha, ha, ha!

But I want you out of my life,
because you're just driving me crazy.

You're gonna crouch on down.

You're gonna get down there,

and you're gonna eat it and swallow it,

or you're gonna crawl over there
to the damn curb

and spit it in the gutter!

Now get!

Ah! Ah!

Aah!

Aah!

No!

You're just a fuckup, Inglebrink.

I may never win anything,
but I will win this competition!

You hear me?!

You ain't got a chance in hell.
You can't even wipe your own ass.

Whoo! God almighty, I'm good!

Thank you, Lord.

Ethan?

Honey, you okay?

You look just awful.

I know, Roe.

Oh, Roe, I know.

Boo, what can I do
to help you right now?

I want to know.

I want to know your doctor's number.

Roe, I don't have a doctor, because
that requires me to go for checkups,

which requires me to leave my house,

and I can't leave my house
because I'm...

I'm really scared to leave.

Ethan, honey, where do you get
your insulin? Where?

I don't think you'd believe me
if I told you.

Try me.

- It's black-market.
- What?

Yeah. Black-market insulin.

I get it from a guy downtown,
and Cary usually gets it for me,

and I tip him five extra bucks,

but this morning, he couldn't, so...

Uh...

This guy downtown sells you insulin
without any prescription whatsoever?

Yeah, it's kind of like
getting penicillin from México.

Fine.

You just tell me.

You tell me where to go.

Yeah.

All right.

On the corner of 6th and Neighbor,

you're gonna find a wiener stand
next to a liquor store.

That's where you're gonna find
a Mexican man wearing a sombrero.

Now, this guy doesn't speak English
very well, so you're gonna ask him...

¿Dónde está Johnny Eyelash?

To which he's gonna reply...

Sure is a hot summer, huh?

To which you're gonna reply...

It sure is.

Nothing like a-a hella-cold 40
to make me feel better.

Do you know where I can get one?

Thank you.

Now, it's sort of illegal
to sell black-market insulin,

so it's very important
that you ask him...

Got any "H"?

What's so funny, Mister?

This all smells funny.

Oh, are you suggesting
that I am an officer of the law?

No, I'm suggesting...

you get the fuck out of here!

- Just go.
- What?

Go have some pancakes.

- Now, you listen to me, Mr. Eyelash.
- How do you know my name?

What in God's name makes you think
that you've got the right

to indicate that you got "H"

and you deny it to the very people
who -- who truly need it?

People who come to me need it, lady.

I have a boy.

And you -- you can just call him
my son, okay?

And right now, he's curled up
in his living room,

and he's sweating and he's shivering,

and he's fading in and out
of consciousness, for God's sake.

I want that shit right now!

And I'll pay any price to get it!
Do you understand that?

You comprende,
you motherfucker cock sucker?

Shh. Relax.

- Okay.
- Hey!

Okay, I'm gonna cut you, boy!

I'm gonna cut you deep.

- Okay.
- All right.

It's okay, it's okay. Relax.

It's okay.

Shh, shh, shh.

It's okay.

It's okay. Go help your boy.

Come here. Come here.

It's okay.

Bad off, huh?

God! You have no idea.

Aah!

Sorry.

Um. Mr. Ethan Inglebrink?

Hi, Holly Obercheck,
legal counsel for Mr. Trevor O'Hart.

I'm here because
you have violated your lease.

Where is Roe?

Roe!

Jesus.

Just tell me where she is.

I'm just here to deliver
this legal notice,

and I need you to sign it
to confirm receipt, okay?

- I didn't do that.
- What?

Any of that.

Okay.

You've lived here for 23 years?

I've lived here since I was 7.

You know, I used to eat cereal.
You want some cereal?

Sorry.

No. But thank you, though.

Ugh.

Excuse me.
God, that was embarrassing.

Sir, I need you to listen to me.

As I understand, the person
on the lease is your father, right?

Mr. Kenneth Inglebrink.

Does he still live here?

He's... dead.

Well, I'm sorry.

Uh, cosigner,
Mrs. Katherine Inglebrink.

My mom.

You never, ever
go out in the street again!

No, one follows the other.
She's dead, too.

I'm sorry.

I mean, what is that?

Um, excuse me.

Can you please turn down the music
so we can talk?

No can do, Holly.

It moves me, and I'm movable,
you understand.

All right, well, then,
I'll just make this brief, Ethan.

At this time, you are...

Um, you technically have no lease.

We need to take care of this, all right?

He took my Clint Eastwood.
Do you understand that?

He took my Clint Eastwood!

I want my Clint Eastwood back!

Sorry.

Mr. Inglebrink, if you don't do this,

he can have you removed
by the authorities.

This is my house, okay?
This is my garden, okay?

I can't leave here.
You can't make me leave.

This is all I have.

This is all I have!

Sorry.

Sign this please.

- All right?
- Okay.

So -- I'm --

Shit.

I can't.

I can't!

Look, fine. You want to do this
the hard way?

Listen, you have to understand.
I am sick.

You have till June 13th -- 28 days.

You have till June 13th.

Termites.

Ow! Termites.

Term-- termites.

Fuck this shit.
I'm out of here.

I warned him
over and over again.

No.
Find yourself a new lawyer.

No, you're the same mean
son of a bitch you were in high school.

Can't quit on me now.

He's squatting in my house,
and I can't get paid.

This is bullshit.

Adiós, son of a bitch!

Oh, God almighty!

Ethan! Ethan, look!
Look, I got it!

Ah! Ah!

Are you okay, baby?

They're trying to sabotage me, Roe.
You hear me?

They're trying to sabotage me.
I'm not even doing anything.

What are you talking about, Ethan?
Wait a minute.

Who was that woman
that just drove off?

Oh, that's Trevor's lawyer.

- She was.
- Lawyer?

Not anymore.

She used to be a winner,
not a loser like you.

Trevor, leave him alone, please!

Now, Ethan, you need to go take
that insulin shot right now, okay?

And you have become
a mean old man.

What happened to that wonderful,
handsome,

starry-eyed, ambitious coach?

You were so great when Ray was
laying there dying all those months,

and I was alone, and --

Okay, never mind. Never mind.
Just forget it.

It's water under the bridge. I know.

Life can be unforgiving.

You just got to soldier on.

What happened to us?

Wait a minute. What the hell
is that sign doing over here?

Hey!

Roe.

Where is everybody?

Uh, Sandy --
she had plans with Margo,

and Lou Anne is really feeling
under the weather.

Sandy made plans on our --
on our poker night

with -- with Margo?

But -- but Sandy hates Margo.
That -- that doesn't make sense.

You know, Ethan, we are, uh --

all of us are really worried about you.

What do you mean, worried?
It's poker night, ladies! Come on!

All right, Sandy saw Trevor
over at Sunday service,

and he told her -- he said that you --

Wait, wait, wait.
First Margo, now Trevor?

Who's next, Mohammed Bin Laden?

Ethan, angel, why are you doing this?

Can I just tell you a story?

No!
You're just trying to dodge the issue.

I'm not dodging an issue.
What issue? Where's an issue?

Do you see an issue?
What issue?

Ethan! There's a pink fuckin' elephant
in this room.

Don't you treat me like an idiot.

I made a score for you.

I made a score for you.

I want to tell you a story.

Nine years ago, I lost my sister.

She takes me out skydiving
on my birthday to Carson City.

We jumped out there in the desert.

I landed badly.

The jump instructor landed.

My sister never landed.

Ethan! Your mama told me
that your sister died of breast cancer.

Yeah, well, God bless my mother,

because she was
a little delusional, okay?

A little removed from reality.

I'm just saying that sometimes
I want to jump, you know?

I mean, maybe even
off that curb, you know?

Just live my life and be happy,
you know?

I mean, Christ almighty,
isn't that the point -- happiness?

But sometimes, parachutes
don't open, and you're --

and you're stuck
with this severe pelvic fracture

which leaves you
addicted to morphine,

which eventually runs out
because your insurance runs out,

and now you're forced to take
other non-prescription medications

because it's cheaper.

Is this true?

Maybe.

It's like being ravenous,
and she brought me a feast.

Roe had gone the distance for me.

How could I let it all go to waste?

Right?

I can still remember the last thing
my father ever told me.

You do whatever
makes you happy, son.

Hey you,
you're a junkie.

She gave me a breath of air
when I was drowning.

You're freezing to death,

and all of a sudden, there's a bonfire
in the pit of your stomach.

Do you feel the warmth of the sun
inside your belly?

You do whatever
makes you happy, son.

Are you lonely?

Sometimes.

Do you feel like the chosen one?

I do.

Yo, man mouth!
I got those stamps you wanted.

Just pay me tomorrow. Fag!

Quit looking at my ass, man.

No 100-yard dash this morning?

No, this is Sun Tzu, "The Art of War."

You could learn something,
you little punk!

I'll pass on the soldier-of-fortune shit.

Dumb-ass.

Aah!

Hey! You little shit!

Don't fuck with the unfuckable!

Dumb-ass!

You ever try that again,
I'll tear that little skinny arm up,

and I'll stick it
where the sun don't shine!

Get out of here! Get!

You should be in a padded cell,
you freak!

What the hell you think this is? Boo!

Screw this!

Whoo!

Ha ha!

Ayyyyy-yi-yi-yi-yi!

No singing today,
little buddy?

The sun?
Oh, it's too bright?

I can fix that like MacGyver.

There you go.

Hey!

I got this off a dead gook in 'Nam.

Uh, I-I didn't even know that they had
samurais in Vietnam, Coach.

Oh, fuck it!
The point is, I'm a warrior.

I'm a champ!

You got zero chance
of copping that title, fuckhead.

The title?
Coach, I don't even play football.

Are you mouthing me off,
monkey shit?

- No, sir.
- Clock's a-tickin'.

You ought to get packin'.

Get with the program!

Jaguars in the jungle!

Coyotes sneaking up
in the dead of night!

Eeeeee-yah!

Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
Woo-woo-woo!

Aah!

Freak show!

- Asshole!
- Whoo!

- Yo, where's my cheese, bro?
- Shh, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Listen, okay?
I know. I just need a week.

Please, just one week.

- If you toss my salad...
- Jesus!

I'll give you a week.

You're listening
to KFUK, Desert Bliss Radio.

This is Pistol Packin' Pete,
surfing the airwaves.

We're gonna start your morning off
with some Ultrarev.

Another hot day in Blythe.

116 degrees outside today.

Things are heating up
in the annual gardening competition.

You guys getting dirt
under your fingernails?

I sure hope so,
because it's just 10 days away, folks.

This is more exciting
than banging the prom queen.

"I'm just the littlest dragon.

I'm just the littlest dragon
in the world. Uh-huh."

Don't hide from me, jerkoff.
I see you.

It's Camarillo for you, son.

Thanks for the trim, dickweed.

Billy?

This is your Uncle John.

- Where's your mama?
- Inside, exercising with my uncle.

Don't you have
a less revealing bathing suit?

You guys cleaned me out again.

You always cheat.
When am I gonna win?

Morning, man mouth!

- Mm-hmm.
- Amazing.

Amazing.

Bougainvillea.

Garden's looking good, Mr. Inglebrink.

What, are you gonna stay there?
His lawn looks like shit!

Is that an American cowslip?

Disqualify him!

Remember, I won last year.

Ethan?

This place is a mess.

Oh, you should be eating
some Raisin Bran.

God, why?

You haven't pooped in weeks, boo.

Come here.

I got something for you!

All the girls chipped in.

What's the occasion?

It's a very special day,
the day you were born.

I hate my birthday, Roe.

Oh, pshaw!

What do we got here?

We got a -- what?
What's this?

Winner!

And don't let Trevor
tell you any different.

I won't.

You obviously know my eating habits.

All right, what else do we got?

Are you kidding me?

You got me a new remote control?
What is this?

No.

This is a -- this is a cellphone,
but it's --

You got me a flip phone?

Oh, no, silly.
It's an insulin pump.

This is gonna help me go dookie?

- This is gonna help me go dookie.
- No, Ethan.

No, look.

You you stick yourself with a catheter,
you attach the insulin pump,

and then you don't ever have to worry
about taking too much junk.

And you don't ever have to worry
about looking like a porcupine.

That's unbearably sweet.

We all love you.
We all care about you, Ethan.

I know.

- Um, Ethan?
- Mm-hmm?

There's something
I think you should know.

What?

I don't judge you.

Judge me for what?

Being an addict.

Ohhh, God.

What's your point?

I'm an alcoholic.

You're an alcoh--
You're an alcoholic?

Roe, what -- what are you talking
about, you're an alc---

Well, we got to get you some help.
We got to get you some treatment.

What do you mean, you're
an alcoholic? You mean, you --

Ethan, I drink.

I -- everybody seems to be addicted
to something sometime,

and I always -- I always try
to dress pretty,

you know, on the outside,

because I don't want
people to look at me on the inside.

You know I-I lost my family.

My husband, Ray -- he was disgusted
with me till the day he died.

Of course, I didn't like him very much.

But...

My children...

Emily and Jason.

They don't even talk to me.

- How long has it been?
- Since what? When?

Well, since you've drank?

Ethan, I doubt
if you've ever seen me sober!

You mean like right now?

Uh-huh.

I never noticed.

That's my point.
Neither did I.

Whatever you have to do to be happy,
I want you to be happy.

But I also want you to be safe.

That's why I got you the pump.

You want a drink?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, I'd love a drink.

Oh, gracious man.
Brought the bottle.

Right, well, now, forgive me,
I'm not much of a bartender,

so I'm just gonna start you off
with just a little bit.

No, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.

Nothing much, you know,
nothing to kill you.

Whoa.

Too gracious.

Huh, wow.

Ahhh.

Huh.

You and the girls -- you are my family.

Hmm.

You know, they say
that you can't smell vodka?

That's bullshit, especially
when you drink it every goddamn day.

Here's to you!

I think it was
Eric Clapton who said...

..."If God would have invented
a better drug,

He must have kept it for Himself."

He was right,
and it is my God-given right

to utilize new, responsible,
and progressive methods of delivery.

You got to ask yourself, don't you
take antibiotics when you're sick?

Do you deny yourself medicine?

I think not.

Oh!

Ow!

Why is there a donkey
outside of my window?

Because... you're an ass
for not going to prom with me.

I know, and I feel so bad about that.

Well, maybe I'll forgive you one day,
but only if you kiss me right now.

You know, it's not like
I would have blended in,

even if I could've gone, right?

You look so pretty.

How was it?

Well, I didn't even go.

Just stole a donkey
from Mr. Obercheck's instead.

I can see that.

You know, you really shouldn't
go around stealing donkeys.

Why the hell not?

I got something for you.

- Oh, that's so... sweet.
- It's for the donkey.

Oh.

Hold on.

- Oh, look, a shooting star!
- Where?

It's a "curshage" -- corsage.

It goes right...

Thank you. It's pretty.

You're pretty.

You're like a sea of sunflowers.

That's... really cheesy.

But romantic.

Meet me in the backyard, okay?

Before we get shot or arrested
or something by your dad.

Oh, and bring that donkey.

You're so cute.

- Would you like to dance?
- Really?

- You showered.
- You asked.

- Ooh.
- What's wrong? Are you okay?

Yeah, great.
Just gonna -- Ohh.

Just, uh, give me a second.

Again?

Ahh.

Better.

I changed my mind.

And you stopped dancing with me.

What do you mean?

I just don't want you to die
or overdose or something.

I'm starting to really like you.

Well, statistically speaking,
I'm more likely to die in a car wreck

than I am from a drug overdose.

That's convenient logic.

I mean, we're all addicted
to something, but...

what gives you the right
to kill yourself?

Oh, I see. You saw
an after-school special,

and now you think
you can solve my problems?

No, I just think you feel like it's
romantic to shoot up for some reason,

and for me, it's romantic to tell you
that there are better highs than that.

I don't shoot up.

This cool little mechanism
does it for me.

Listen, you really
want to be my friend?

Yes.

Then just accept me
for who I am, huh?

I do. I just want you to stick around.
You're already old as shit.

Will you take it easy, please?

Come here.

Stop it!

Never again.

Never again.

Now, you and I are gonna have
a talk right now,

and you're gonna listen to me
very carefully,

probably for the first fucking time!

And if you don't listen,
I'm simply gonna tear the skin

off your miserable fucking face.

You understand me?

You want to give me a reason
that I shouldn't kill you right now?

Just one.

I-I can't.

Give me a fucking reason

why I shouldn't take
the breath from your fucking body!

Because killing is bad, maybe?

Ohh.

Maybe killing is merciful in your case.
Wouldn't you say?

Sir, I assure you
there's nothing going on here, okay?

You don't have to assure me
of anything.

And have a fucking breath mint
while you're at it.

You know why you don't have to?

Because you're already dead.

I give you less than a year.

And that's exactly why, madam,

that you are not going
to college next year.

Because you don't have
enough game yet.

You're not ready.

Georgia, I'm so sorry.

What? Speak up. I don't hear well.
What were you saying?

I s--

No, what were you saying?
Spit it out.

I said I was sorry, sir.

Now, I'm not gonna warn you again,
buddy boy,

because the next time I warn you,
I'm gonna put you in the ground.

Now, come on.
Get in the house.

Let's go.
We're going home.

- Now.
- Bye.

Enough good-byes.
Curtain dropped. You're gone.

Let's go.

Someday, you'll be very happy
that I did this.

Oh, sure, walk away.

Walk away on a crippled father.

I'm gonna give you a name.

That's it.

Captain.

I dub you "Captain."

Shh!

What's wrong?

The fucker!

I'm leaving, Ethan.
I'm leaving this shithole for good.

Whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about?

- Where you gonna go?
- Somewhere else.

I want you to come with me.

I-I can't.

Can I?

I don't know what to tell you.
I just really want you to come with me.

Why now, Georgia?

Why not?

Because, I got --

You got me.

Oh, I meant, I got, like,
Roe, you know.

I got the girls. I got Todd.

You got shit, Ethan.

You're too big for Blythe, and so am I.

I got this made at Home Depot.

I'm just scared to go by myself.

I really want to... but I don't know how.

Yeah.

Wait.

- Sheriff Inglebrink. Whirlwind.
- Roger.

Uh.

Oh, my God!

Twice in one month!

- What are you?
- No, no!

You always do that, Ethan. No.

You're gonna come to church
with me on Sunday.

Kumbaya.

- That's right, Kumbaya.
- Mm.

Can you sing it?

Kumbaya, my Lord,

Kumbaya.

Sing it, Ethan.
Can you sing it?

Kumbaya.

Kumbaya, my Lord.

That's good.

Kumbaya.

Kumbaya.

Now you're laughing at me.

Forget you.

Oh, God!

Captain, what are you doing?!
That's people food!

Oh, God.

Okay, buddy, listen.

Everything's gonna be just fine, okay?

I remember my first time.

Ah.

I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let you cook up alone.

Hang in there, little buddy!

You're an instigator, Captain --
an instigator.

You're like the James Dean
of donkeys.

Just cool.

You're no prima donkey.

Maybe she was right.

Maybe this town
is just too small for me.

You're listening
to KFUK, Desert Bliss Radio.

This is Pistol Packin' Pete
riding the airwaves.

The Blythe annual garden competition
is right around the corner.

The first this year is $10,000.

Imagine what you can do
with that at the 99-cent store.

So, go on out there
and get your knees dirty,

because the nation's eyes
are upon us.

- Hello?
- Hi.

Stop calling.

- Hi. Is --
- Don't call here again.

This'll stunt your growth.

Bye-bye.

Ooh.

Where's the flower?
Trevor's is a lot bigger.

Shut the fuck up, Inglebrink.

Ethan.

I never lose to a loser.

Ethan, you are a winner,

and don't let Trevor
tell you any different.

I may never win anything,
but I will win this competition!

You hear me?

Grow!

Grow!

Grow!

I need you to grow!

Oh, God, please.

Don't ruffle your dress, duck butter.

I'm begging you, little guy.

Oh, coyote got your tongue?

Oh, look at that little thing.
Clock's a-tickin'.

Ready to lose again?

Just like always.

You suck at life,
just like you suck at everything else.

You ain't even a has-been.
You're a never-was.

There you go, all right?
Let's wash it down, now. Good boy.

Oh, it's okay.

Now it says that it's gonna work
within 12 hours.

Can't believe it.

Three times.
Three times in a row.

Three Sundays.

Typical Ethan.

He wouldn't even answer his door.

The last time I saw him, he was 4.

I really appreciate you coming, Father.
I really believe that he'll listen to you.

Well, he'll hear about a poor,
simple little soul,

sensitive, sweet little sheep,

but rejected and despised
by the world.

You go to him.

Lamb of God.

- Nice garden.
- This is God's work, not Ethan's.

Oh, God! Please make it come out!

- Leave my body!
- Did you hear that?

Aaaaaaaah!

Shut up!

Get out!

Leave!

It's worse than I expected.

Victory! Victory! Victory!

Oh.

What is it, Father?

Beelzebub.

Victory!

Oh, my God.
The devil that winces.

He senses our presence.

Could be Satan himself.

We're not safe here, Todd.

Aah!

Let's go.

Victory!

The last freebie, man mouth,
or you're eating some ass, buddy.

Good-bye.

Morning, butt plug.

Inglebrink! It is 10:45 a.m.
in the morning!

You have until 11:00 a.m.
to vacate these premises!

That gives you 15 minutes!

You had 30 days!

You just screwed them up!

This here is D-Day!

What the hell is going on over there?

Why?

Oh, my God.

If you believed in God, Ethan,
this might have turned out differently.

That's right.

W-what's with the priest?

What's with the devil, sinner?

Sinner?!

Father Randolph?

It's not too late for salvation!

We will cast that evil spirit
from your body!

Don't worry, little Iamb!

Ask the Lord for His forgiveness,
and He'll walk you into the light.

Fuck the light!
I want my garden back!

It's only Beelzebub,
otherwise he'd have spit fire on us.

I'm not sure that you're eligible
to win the contest anymore,

Mr. Inglebrink.

But neither is Mr. O'Hart,

now that he has literally destroyed
the competitor.

- Hmm?
- What the fuck, lady?!

This is my property!

Well, what about my goddamn
garden?!

It's a fucking Garden of Eden
over there!

That's 18 Hail Mary's!

Yes, sir.

Father Randolph, hello.

You've got nowhere to go, boy.

You may all leave now.
Thank you.

No! You can leave!
The authorities are on the way!

You do not have to use a bullhorn!

He's standing right there, you dipshit!

Here, I want you to take this right now.
I want you to open it.

I want you to look inside, okay,
you stupid fucking stupid fucking jerk!

It's 10 big ones, okay,
you mean son of a bitch!

Hey! Whoa!

Trevor goes down!

...And the Holy Ghost.

You -- you don't have to go now,
you see?

You saved me,
and I love you so much.

You don't have to go now.

In our battle against principalities
and powers...

This was meant to be.
It's my retirement, see?

I've been saving it,
but I had to clear it,

and then I was saving it

because it was gonna be
such a big surprise.

I don't want you to go.

I knew you'd cry like a goddamn
pansy, but I'm touched.

I'm gonna come over there and bust
your nose if you don't shut up!

...From the tyranny of the devil.

I can't take that, Roe.

- No!
- You've helped me out so much.

To crush Satan beneath His feet,
which is the devil and Satan...

Georgia.

...cast him into the bottomless pit!

Georgia, come back! Georgia!

Jesus Christ, Georgia,
Who did this to you?!

Hey. It was Father Randolph.

You're an awful, awful man!

Ethan, I'm just kidding.
It -- it was my dad. Sorry.

You are an awful, awful man!

Yeah, but I got game,
and you got nothin'.

Just say good-bye to him, honey,

because you ain't never gonna
see him again.

I'll be waiting.

It's all over for you, son.

Come on, honey.

Hey, I got a fridge full of wine coolers.
Would that help?

Most cunning serpent...

We will enter the house
at 11:00 a.m.!

He killed my babies!
He killed my babies!

Unh!

Cops?

Everybody remain calm!

I told you he was dangerous.

He hasn't done anything!

Oh, my!

Hey, Father Randolph.

Go easy on him, boys.

He'll be a flaccid body
after the exorcism.

- Exorcism?
- Cool.

...Undertake to repulse all the attacks.

Oh, Captain, what are you doing?

This is some selfish,
selfish crap, buddy.

What, do you got a problem?

Oh, we're gonna talk about this,
pal, okay? At length.

You've got a problem.

What the fuck's going on here?

Hey!

You need a force field now, bitch!

Hey, grab some curb, kid.
I need to run your I.D.

What? I haven't done shit.

Aah! Oh, my God! I'm blind!

- Bull's-eye.
- Did you see that?

Yeah, that was cool.
I need to get one of those.

What the hell is that all about?

You got five minutes.

Hi. Hi.

Ma'am, how are you?
Good to see you.

Hi, I'm Barbra Streisand,

and I thought maybe
we could figure out a way

to work this out
a little more peacefully.

Ma'am, you're a whack job.

Bitch! When I was in the pen,
I shanked pigs like you for dinner!

What's happening
to my neighborhood?

And ate your balls for breakfast.

- That man is a cunt.
- A dry one.

Calm down.

I'm gonna kick you into next year.

- Hey!
- No!

Get away from Ethan.

- Are you kidding me?
- Take this and this.

Turn over.
I'll show you what to do with it.

Get in your ass.

Like, that's wrong.

Is that a cucumber?

Unnecessary.

- Get away from me, will you?
- That's a nasty way to go down.

Ow! Ow!

- You're hurting me.
- Ow! Ow!

Okay, okay.

You do know you're not
Barbra Streisand, don't you? Freak!

- You okay? You all right?
- I'm fine.

She's a lunatic.
She's fucking hard, man.

Well, you sure showed her.

He's right, honey.
You're not Barbra Streisand.

- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not,.

You ever been hit by a cucumber

that's been stuffed
up your partner's ass?

- I'm not a whack job?
- No, you're not a whack job.

And Ethan is not Neil Diamond.

Oh.

God arises.

Ethan! Open up!

Flee from him.

- Ethan, you're embarrassing me.
- Aah!

Booger head.
Booger head, let me in.

Hi.

Is that a donkey?

Yes.

Okay.

Inglebrink, step away from the whore.

Everything is gonna be A-okay.

- I repeat, step away from the whore.
- Ugh.

Don't listen to them, okay?
Don't listen to them.

Four minutes, Inglebrink,
and counting.

What would Clint do?

May the mercy
of the Lord Jesus Christ...

Hypocrite.

What would Clint do?

Well, there's only one thing
you can do, kid,

and that's go out guns a-blazin'.

Our God is our Lord,

strengthened by the intercessions
of the immaculate Virgin Mary.

Ow!

Oh!

...And all the saints.

I've got a hostage! You understand?
I've got a hostage!

There's no hostage.
He's the hostage.

Believe me -- hostage to his addiction.
It's the work of Mephistopheles.

Take hold of the dragon,
the old serpent.

If things get bad, and it looks like
you're not gonna make it,

then I want you to get mean.

I mean, plum mad-dog mean, okay?

Because if you feel like
you're gonna lose your head

and you're not gonna make it,
you're not gonna live,

then you're not gonna win.

And that's just the way it is.

Let's do this, buddy.

Again with the Crunch Berries!

...And deceits of the devil.

You got nowhere to go, boy,
except out.

What?

That's right -- guns a-blazin'.

It's a BB gun.
Trust me.

- You sure?
- Positive.

Shoot, you could take an eye out
with one of those.

He could spit fire, like a demon.

Believe me, a BB would be welcome.

So are they driven.

You know, I think that's old man
Ober-whatever's, uh, donkey.

He's been missing
for a couple of weeks now.

Shut the fuck up!

I don't want to hear a single word
from any one of you. You understand?

Loser.

God damn it, am I talking
just to hear myself talk?!

That was a fucking word!
Shut the fuck up!

- No more Mr. Nice Guy!
- He's consumed by evil.

No more Mr. Nice Guy!

The offspring of David's...

Do not utter another fucking word,
understand?!

...All wicked legions...

Except for you, Father Randolph,

because I would never
disrespect you on that level,

but everyone else!

And by the power
of our Lord Jesus Christ...

You know what?!

I am very, very, very angry right now --

super-duper upset right now!

Hey, hey, he's my brother.
Take it easy.

Hold your fire unless he morphs
into a... hellhound or something.

When do we anticipate
that happening, sir?

...Even to the end.

You win.

You all win.

But I'm gonna tell you this.

We were all meant
for something more.

God, Jesus Christ.

...Of her immaculate conception.

Whatever happened
to Kumbaya, Todd, huh?

Ethan, you should have come
to church on Sunday.

Father Randolph, whatever happened
to "love thy neighbor"?

God arises, the faith...
and the hope of apostles...

Damn straight, bud.

Whoo!

Ah.

Command you.

...Diabolical legions...

I'm sorry.

...Who so loved the world...

Um...

...That He gave up His only son.

Uh... Shit. Aah.

...But have life everlasting.

- Aah!
- I've got him, Father.

Do it now.

Ethan.

Cleanse that evil spirit
from your body...

...Driven from the church of the Lord.

Ethan, are you okay?

Go, Ethan, yes!

Yes, run, madman!

Oh, the poor thing.

The beast will run amongst men.

Nations will topple.
Cities will burn.

Good-bye, Ethan.

In the name of the Father,
in the name of the Son,

and of the Holy Ghost, amen.

Bye, Dad.

Where are you going?

Georgia, where are you going?

Georgia, you can't drive the car!

You can't drive it!
The clutch is out!

Georgia, come back!
I'm sorry!

Come back!
I'm sorry!

He's gonna be okay.

Come back!

He's gonna be all right.

Hey, Ethan!
Look, I did it!

Aah!

Hmm.

I'm a junkie, a derelict.

Even better... I'm free.

Do you feel that tingling in your toes,

or the warmth
of the sun inside your belly?

Do you feel like the chosen one,
whole, complete?

I do.

I never grew
the perfect American cowslip,

but I've got her-- Georgia.

God damn it, she's everything good.

Georgia!

Whoo!

I'm the luckiest guy alive.

Good-bye, Blythe.

Tell her.
Tell her you love her.

Just open your mouth and tell her.

Tell her this is
the happiest you've ever been.

Hey. What are you thinking about?

What's on your mind?

This is the perfect moment.

Wow.

Hey, Ethan.

Wake up, Ethan.

Ethan.

Ethan, wake up.

Ethan, wake up.

I miss him so much.

Me too.

I think he's in a better place.

Holy...

If we can just leave
one remarkable thing behind,

it's all worth it in the end.

What a ride.

You're listening
to KFUK, Desert Bliss Radio.

This is Pistol Packin' Pete.

And I quit.