Almost Love (2019) - full transcript
An ensemble comedy about romance in the smartphone era.
I don't know.
It's just so weird.
Okay, well,
what did he say, exactly?
He said he needed to
talk to me.
- Needed or wanted?
- What's the difference?
- Urgency.
- He said needed.
- Ugh, that's urgent.
- I know.
He gave you super gonorrhea.
Shut up!
When did he tell you this?
- As soon as he walked through the door.
- Oh, my God.
What an asshole.
Do you wanna go?
Yes, and no.
I don't want to know what it is.
- Oh, my God. You've got to find out.
- You've got to know.
- Let's get the check.
- Sorry, uh...
Sorry it took me so long.
It's so weird. They have
one of those toilets
that's like a jacuzzi
for your butt.
Well, Japanese culture
is so interesting, is it not?
Like, ugh, I can't wait
to go to Tokyo.
Excuse me?
Hey, you're still airbnb-ing
the house upstate, right?
- Good God, no!
- He didn't tell you?
- No.
- Oh, my God, it was a nightmare!
This sweet lady, she rents it for
the weekend and she brings her dog.
I'm cool with pets.
Whatever, it's fine.
Until she decides that
she wants to be nice
and clean it herself.
It is so not funny.
Okay, so, Adam's got
one of those robot vacuums.
- A Roomba.
- A Roomba, yeah.
Yeah, Roombas.
She turns the Roomba on,
she leaves the house,
and the dog
gets into the trash
and eats something
that gives him diarrhea.
Un-uh.
And the Roomba
spread shit everywhere.
She was gone for eight hours.
It took two weeks to clean it up.
- No, no, honey, that is like...
- Yes.
...the worst thing
I've heard all week.
Mm-hmm.
- You have a lot of property.
And you own it
with your ex, right?
Well, no, I actually got it
when my mom died.
It was always just mine,
I guess.
So much property.
And it's so cute,
by the way. It's so charming.
- It's a safety net house.
- No.
- You have to sell it.
- Trying to.
Mm-hmm.
- Anyway...
- So much property.
Can I interest you in dessert?
No.
Thank you,
just the check.
I don't mean to bother you,
but I'm obsessed with your website.
Oh, thank you. Thanks.
Oh, stop. This is
our anniversary dinner,
so Marklin and I
would like to treat you.
- You don't have to do that.
- Yes!
- We invited you.
- You're sure?
Yes.
Adam and I are going to hang for
a second and finish our fight.
- Really?
- No.
Not really. We're gonna
walk you guys out.
Can you wrap this up to go?
Um, sure.
Those too.
That one too.
Call me and let me know
what's up.
Mm-hmm.
The waiter ordered us
an UberPool.
- That's cool, right?
- Yes.
Hey!
Wish me luck.
And it just gets worse.
I have my phone on.
Now, she really knows
how to pick 'em.
I need a drink.
Oh, well, lucky for you...
- You did not.
- Well, yeah.
They took everything else.
Why not?
You're gonna get us arrested.
It looks like a bottle of Sprite.
Don't worry.
Little bit of worry is okay.
Well, yeah, but that's why
I love you.
I love you.
Happy Anniversary.
Maybe next time
no double-date?
Hi! Do you have a minute
for gay rights?
- No!
- Okay, asshole.
Easy. We're already members.
Oh, my God!
I love you.
- Can I take a pic?
- No problem.
Up!
- Thank you.
- Okay.
I am freaking out.
Didn't know
they work nights.
Well, we are downtown.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Are you...
Let's go.
Yes.
Ah, man!
I just...
I don't know how to tell you this.
Just say it, I guess?
I mean...
Uh, okay.
Um, look, um...
These past three weeks,
getting to know you
have been amazing
and I really think that I'm
starting to feel things for you,
but there's something
that I... Ugh!
Oh, my God,
you're making me nervous right now!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Just say it.
- I'm so sorry!
- Yeah, I'm...
- It's okay.
I'm...
I'm homeless.
I'm sorry, what now?
I'm homeless.
- And you're staying on friends' couches?
- No, I did that.
You moved in
with your parents?
No, I did that too.
I'm...
I live in a shelter.
But you have such nice shoes.
I have a locker.
Don't eat those.
Come on. Can't we just have
coffee like normal people?
When I'm done.
Bingo. Bingo.
Okay, can you help?
I can't get the shot.
- I'm worried.
- Just... Do you mind?
Nope.
Okay.
Make sure you get
the logo on the...
- I got it.
- Okay.
What are you doing?
Don't make that face.
Just look normal, okay?
This is normal.
- Don't eat my blackberry.
- It's too late.
This normal enough?
You told him
get out, right?
- Well, I...
- You did not have sex with him.
- Well, he was already there.
- Cammy!
And I
already slept with him!
With the presumption
that he had shelter!
You know, there should
probably be an app for that.
I think it's just assumed.
Oh, my God!
You slept with a homeless.
Person, sweetie.
I slept with
a homeless person, okay?
- Homeless is not a noun.
- A person, of course.
Wow, you are so kind, Cam.
I am really scraping the bottom
of the barrel these days.
No, it's good.
You gave to someone in need.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God, this is so hot!
- Eww!
- Did they heat this on the sun?
- I'm sorry, that was my fault.
- It is so hot!
I told them, "Caldo,"
which is Italian for hot.
- So, you're gonna see him again?
- No! Of course not.
- Okay, I didn't know!
- I have a little self-respect, sweetie.
- All right.
- I did it again, okay?
I picked another loser.
I'm sorry, but like,
what white guy is homeless at 36?
- I'm sure there are a lot.
- On Tinder?
Yes, that is
an interesting twist.
God, he was just so nice,
he was just so sweet.
I was really hoping
this would work out, you know?
How did he get homeless?
Get homeless? Become homeless?
Wait, what's the right phrase?
It's "become."
How do you not know that?
Become homeless.
Well, his ex-girlfriend used to pay for
everything and he was staying with her,
and they broke up,
so he had to leave.
And he just stayed
on friends' couches
until that became untenable.
And then he just checked
himself into a shelter?
There are few steps
that are missing.
I feel like you don't just go
from a couch to a shelter.
Yeah, okay! Haley, I get it,
but that's what he told me, okay?
I think the red flag was him
being supported by the girlfriend.
There are a lot of red flags.
Red flags everywhere.
I'm color blind.
Anyways, how are you?
I'm good. I mean,
I've got a roof over my head.
- Too soon?
- Yes, bitch. That is too soon.
I don't know.
What do you think so far?
- Looks good to me.
- Yeah?
Ravella wants it by Friday.
Then tell her to paint it
her fucking self.
And seriously,
it doesn't seem that hard.
How much does
one of these go for?
I don't know, like a hundred.
- Thousand?
- Yeah.
Holy shit!
Why don't you just paint one
and keep it for yourself
and then you sell it?
Well, because, then it would be by
me, not by Ravella.
- Yeah, but, they're all by you.
- Unofficially.
Mm.
So fucked up.
It's so fucked up.
These poor bastards who buy this shit.
Do they understand
that Ravella Brewer is not actually
painting their $100,000 treasure?
Well, no, but Ravella
is not the first to do this.
Rembrandt, Matisse.
I guess, but it's just that
she makes a ton of dough
and you, you barely make
a living wage.
Yeah, well, it is what it is.
Well, if you and Marklin
would just get married.
Mm, I'm not taking
his money, Elizabeth.
It's not taking money when you're
married, it's called sharing.
That is marriage.
I mean, why are you so against it?
I marched my ass in the snow
for your rights.
I don't know, the thing
about gay marriage...
No, no, no, no.
Don't say it.
- It's so gay.
- It's not funny. You're deflecting.
It's not even on the table.
It's because you're so vocal
about how you don't want to do it.
And what? And end up
like Haley? No, thank you.
Not everyone gets divorced
after a year.
Yeah, some people last five,
like my parents.
Damon and I got engaged
the first week we met.
And look at us,
still together 15 years later.
Come on, look at it.
He put the ring in a bagel.
- Yes.
- French!
You are insane.
- Ah!
- Look, I love being gay.
You know that. It's probably like
my favorite thing about myself.
I love that you're gay.
But, I don't know.
Marriage doesn't magically solve...
Two men together is tricky.
Okay, then don't get married.
Just share his money
like Damon and I do.
Come on, I do better than him,
but it's doesn't matter.
You're in a partnership, for God's sake!
Ba-ba-bup-bup. Let's drop it.
Okay? I got to finish this
by Friday.
Blobs.
It's so simple!
Seriously, I could do that.
You know, it's a little more
complicated than that.
- Well...
- Give it a try.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, as long as she signs
it, it's a Ravella Brewer.
Just don't go nuts.
Don't go nuts.
- Okay, no crazy.
- Oh, yeah.
- Crazy.
- I know you.
Where shall I begin?
Maybe over here.
Feels good, right?
Ah, I'd feel a lot better if I
was getting paid a hundred grand.
I'm out of mud.
- Let me?
- Excuse me.
- Boom!
- Damn, that's good.
Don't even need to sand.
Work for me?
That would be
a fun life pivot.
- What's this gonna be again?
- An office for Elizabeth.
I've given up on trying to
make it a nursery.
Oh, well.
Sorry.
You kind of missed the boat
on that one.
This will be nice, though.
Elizabeth thinks
she hates kids.
Um, she does hate kids.
I kept thinking I could
convince her, you know?
Should have switched her birth
control out with Tic Tacs.
- Wait, they look the same?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Really?
- No!
You can't trick someone
into having a baby.
Especially her. She'll jump in
front of a train if that happened.
Uh, I feel like
that's what's missing.
Oh, sure.
Baby fixes everything.
I need to retape this.
You did a shitty job.
So, when are you two
gonna have one?
What?
Mm, never.
Ah, come on.
You'd make great dads.
I don't feel like dropping
$250,000 to buy a baby.
- Shit! That's a lot.
- Yeah.
And IVF lawyers.
Taking care of some needy
fucking surrogate in Albuquerque.
It's at least that.
- Well, you could adopt.
- I already have a baby.
And his name is Adam.
- There you go.
- And he's a baby.
Ooh!
Over here, over here.
The Whitney I love.
The Whitney free Wi-Fi.
- Uh-huh.
- I swear, someone's siphoning my data.
Who keeps texting you?
It's just one of my students.
They're very persistent.
Well, it's mid-terms.
Is that Scott James?
No. Yeah, yes.
You are moving into some very serious
Pamela Smart territory right now.
He just needs help
with his homework.
I think he wants
a little bit more than that.
No.
Are you serious?
He is so dependent on you.
Well, you know,
maybe a little.
Little? You wrote
all of his college essays.
Well, it's just easier
than all the back and forth.
- He has a boner for you, Haley.
- He's 17.
Well, at least he has a home.
Do you mind if I...
I'm just gonna grab this.
- Yeah.
- Hello?
Who doesn't know that Mark Twain
coined the term "the Gilded Age?"
- Everybody.
- It's like...
I like to feel like I'm making a
difference by tutoring these kids,
but then I get
a call like that.
Well, at least you have a reason
to get out of bed in the morning.
Sometimes I feel like the
darkness is just gonna consume me.
- You're being dramatic.
- I fucked a homeless person.
No, yeah, that's dark.
But that's behind you now.
No, stop. I got to work.
Hey.
Hey! Psst!
Very funny.
- That always gets me.
- Hey there.
Hi.
One sec. Yup.
- Delivery.
- Thanks. Just a minute.
- Gotta answer the door.
- Nuh-uh.
- I'm just kissing you.
- Yeah.
You're never just kissing me.
I can't help it if I'm
attracted to my boyfriend.
We have sex every day.
That's a bad thing?
Here we go.
Don't do that.
We were having fun. Don't shut down.
I just have a lot of stuff to post today.
I'm not shut down.
And by the way,
we don't have sex everyday.
We used to.
Sometimes,
I just want affection.
Are you
fucking kidding me?
Just telling you
how I feel.
No, not you, the coat.
It's $14,000.
I don't know. Sure.
That's like my first semester
of art school.
God, so much free shit.
It's not free.
We'll give him at least
that in promotion.
Yeah, well, it's just...
I mean, come on. It's crazy.
You gotta admit,
when you don't need it, you get it,
and then when you need it,
you don't get it.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I could take
some of those if you want.
No, I'm good, I got it.
Okay.
All right. I'm gonna
get out of your hair, then.
Oh, hey, um, I'm gonna be like,
a day or two late on the rent this month.
Ravella's accountant
is out of town and...
- Already covered it.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.
I'll have it tomorrow,
next day at the latest.
It's just, you know,
the house upstate...
It's fine, I don't mind covering the rent.
I already told you that.
You will sell the house.
Someday, okay?
Hey, I'm headed to the studio.
You want to
grab some food later?
Uh, I'm supposed to be
meeting Cammy tonight.
Okay. Tell her I said hi.
Okay.
- Love you.
- Love you too.
I thought the deal was you were going
to write some of this out longhand.
Turn your phone off.
I have terrible handwriting.
Well, that's because no one
writes anymore.
The Palmer Method
is a lost art.
You're so smart.
You are just as smart.
It's about applying yourself.
I...
I didn't get into Brown.
Oh, no! Really?
Yeah, see? I'm not
as smart as you.
I couldn't even get into
the place you went.
That was a long time ago.
Well, I mean, it wasn't
that long ago.
Wait, ow!
How is that even possible?
That was a great essay.
I sent in my version.
What now?
I didn't use
the one you fixed.
Why would you do that?
Because you wrote it.
No, I merely corrected it
and made it more cohesive.
You wrote it, Haley, not me.
What?
You let me fix everything,
Scott James!
What am I doing right now?
And you choose to take a stand with
the most important assignment ever,
your college essay?
Don't be mad.
It wasn't a stand.
I'm not mad, I'm...
All the work
we've done together...
- You've done.
- We've done.
I have sat there
holding your hand,
ushering you along
all this while.
I just wanted to see
if I could do it on my own.
Well, clearly, you cannot!
I already knew that.
Why do you think your parents
are paying me all this money
to come over here
four times a week?
Shit, I'm sorry.
Oh, no. No, Scott James.
I am sorry. I am sorry.
I shouldn't have
lost my temper like that.
You are so smart, Scott James,
so smart.
No, I'm just a dum-dum.
No, no, no, you are not.
No, no, Scott James!
No, no, no, it's okay.
It's okay.
It'll make me feel better.
No. Come on, now.
It's... It's okay.
Oh, wow. That looks amazing.
- Thank you.
- How did you do that?
Um, I used to edit cookbooks,
so it's not really a big deal.
Wow, I have, like, so much more.
You don't have to...
No, it's... I'm sorry.
We just don't usually get this
kind of food at the shelter.
And this... This is amazing.
This tastes so good.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
My tongue feels weird.
Oh, there's some
Szechuan peppers in there.
It's like it's buzzing.
Um, is it going to burn me?
Mm-mm. It's not hot as much as it
can cause neurological confusion.
Okay. What?
It's really cool.
Just, like, confuses your taste buds.
So, it's not gonna
fuck with my head?
No, no. Mm-mm.
Okay.
- Oh, that tastes weird.
- Yeah, it's the peppers.
- I just said...
- I think I'm gonna take a break.
Yeah, me too.
So, I was actually thinking
of having one of my girls
come over tonight.
Nice, what do you wanna do?
Well, we were gonna stay here.
Oh, that's cool. There are so many
killer docs on Netflix right now.
Yeah, they are the killer.
I have been catching up
on so much great stuff
since you've been
letting me stay here.
I mean, at the shelter,
it's Forensic Files all day, everyday.
- Sucks.
- Well, I was just kinda hoping
we can have, like,
one-on-one girl time.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
Of course. I know
how to do a lockout.
Um, what's a good time
for me to come back?
Like, midnight, one o'clock?
Well, where are you gonna go?
Well, there's plenty of places to hand.
I can go to the library,
go to Starbucks,
I can take the A-train
out to Far Rockaway,
and then up to 207th.
And back out to Far Rockaway.
You think I'm still
neurologically confused?
- Yeah, I don't...
- Fuck it, I'm hungry.
Fuck it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hi.
He's having
a really good day today.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
I've seen cases
worse than this turn around.
You don't have to do that.
Do what?
I know what the deal is.
He can hear you, you know?
That's fine. He knows
what the deal is too.
Okay.
Right.
- Yeah?
- Oh, finally. You answer.
What's wrong? What's going on?
Have you see
The Detailist today?
Marklin looks like
the truest form of a Kennedy.
I get why people buy
so much stuff because of him.
Is this why you called?
He's so handsome.
I mean, if he got a flat tire,
people would know who he was.
Okay, people already know
who he is.
So weird, right?
One minute we're all
working at CB2,
the next minute he's famous.
We live in New York.
He doesn't drive.
You know what I mean.
He's that type of person.
I got wine for tonight.
What time do you want me to come over?
And is anyone else coming?
Also, I could make a pizza.
If you're eating that.
Are you still doing points?
I could do
a cauliflower crust.
Uh, yes,
I'm still doing points.
And I really want to
go out tonight.
Cam, you said
we were gonna watch
the Menendez Brothers
anniversary thing.
It's the only thing that's kept
me breathing this horrible week.
Well, I'll DVR it.
I just really need to get out.
You sound weird.
What's going on?
Nothing.
- Are you alone?
- Yeah, who would be here?
Any number of strange men.
Please, girl. I can't.
I'll see you later.
God, it's hot out.
Do you have any matches?
Uh-huh, yeah, somewhere.
Lighter on the shelf.
Wait, what do you need it for?
Oh, my God.
Your birthday's today?
Scott James, I'm so sorry.
I totally forgot.
It's okay.
No, no, wait.
You can't just blow it out.
Um, happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Scott James.
Happy Birthday to you.
- It's official.
- What's official?
I'm an adult now.
Cupcake.
Cake.
- What?
- What?
Today's not your birthday.
Your birthday is on July 11th.
The day that Marie Antoinette
said, "Let them eat cake."
You actually told me
she never said that.
She didn't.
That's not the point.
The point is that your birthday
is not for another month.
Well, what's the big deal?
It's only a few weeks. Come on!
Scott James,
I am your teacher!
But hey, I love you.
Oh, no! Scott James,
don't say that.
But it's true!
I can't help it.
I can't stop thinking
about you!
- But you have to stop.
- I can't, Haley, it hurts!
It hurts! It's my heart,
Haley, I just...
I just... I don't know
what to do!
I am in so much pain.
My gosh! Oh, my gosh,
you've got a crush.
That's why they call it that.
It crushes you.
I can't. I can't.
I can't go on. I can't go on.
Oh, no. That's not gonna work.
It's electric.
It doesn't even work.
Don't cry, Scott James.
Uh...
So, we have to stop now.
Thank you, Ken.
Uh, I hate to end a session
like that,
but, a lot to think about.
- Totally.
- Mm-hmm.
So, let me look at some times
for next week.
Uh, you know what?
Can I e-mail you?
I have a couple projects
up in the air.
- I have a product launch sometime.
- Sure.
I love what you're doing
for men's fashion.
I hope it's okay that I speak
about something outside this room?
- It's all right.
- It's fine.
And, allow the feelings
that came up today to exist.
Or not exist, if that's what
they're telling you
You can make space for that.
- Sure.
- Okay, then.
- Bingo.
- Bingo.
- Same route, or different?
- Same.
I'm going to get
some neck massage.
- Feet too.
- You're on.
Just wait.
Don't... Okay.
- You're cheating.
- I'm winning.
No. Oh, shit!
- Oh, red light.
- Hey, you, like me?
Fags!
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we are.
Fuck off!
You know, that's like
the fifth time we've had that?
I can make something else,
we can go out...
No, no, no, no, no,
are you kidding me? I love it.
Besides, I'm used to eating the
same thing every day where I live.
And no lockouts.
You are...
- You are the best.
- I know.
I am the best.
My mouth still does feel
a little weird, though.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Think you would have built up
some tolerance to that already.
Where are you going,
Mr. Henry?
Come on, we can't even
get through one movie?
Mm-hmm.
- I'm just saying.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Stop, stop, stop.
Henry, stop.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It tastes like I licked a battery.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my vagina is on fire!
Oh, my God!
This is disgusting.
Okay, you know what?
You don't have to be a dick.
Yeah, well, I didn't ask you to fuck
up my whole neurological system.
It's not your whole system.
It's just your taste buds.
Yeah, my taste buds,
which are making my
favorite thing in the world
taste like
a bag of old pennies.
Get out.
- What?
- Get out.
I can see why your
ex-girlfriend broke up with you.
I can see why you're homeless.
You are just an asshole.
- I'm sorry.
- I mean, I cook for you,
I am nice to you,
I let you live with me, no lockouts!
I know, I know,
I know, I know.
I'm really, really sorry.
It's just...
I'm really fucked up
from these peppers.
No. You're just
fucked up, period.
You're homeless.
What 36-year-old doesn't even
have a couch to sleep on?
I told you why.
And what self-respecting human
being sleeps with a homeless person?
I mean, like, yeah, you told
me, and I just accepted it?
You have to go.
- What, now?
- Yes, now.
But, I can't check back
into the shelter after 2 p.m.
That is not my problem
right now, okay?
Cammy, look,
look, sit down, please.
Sit down. I am so, so,
so, so, so, so, so, so, sorry.
I mean, I am... I don't have
anywhere else to go.
Where am I supposed to go?
I'm so sorry. Please.
Fine. Fine.
You can stay tonight.
Thank you. Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't stop fanning.
Okay.
- Close race.
- Not even.
Thanks.
Sorry about all that.
Okay?
I don't mean whatever.
I mean, I'm sorry too.
It's just frustrating,
this whole couples thing.
I feel like it's pulling us
further apart,
than bringing us
close together.
Yes, that's what hit me too.
Can't we just spend the money
on dates each week instead?
We could.
- Fuck, it's so much money.
- Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
Dates were never really
our problem, though.
It's just...
I don't know. I don't know.
Is that all there is?
I just wish we could go back
to the way things were.
Simpler.
Was it?
You know what I mean.
You want to turn that off?
Yeah, let me just check
nothing is on fire first.
Nothing's ever on fire.
- This is work.
- Are you sure about that?
Why are you getting
so worked up?
It's just the constant
interruptions. Always.
It's when we're home,
when we're out,
you documenting
every single moment.
This is work. It's my job.
It's what I work for.
Yeah, well...
Wanna come back?
Thought we were
connecting here.
You owe me a massage.
Ooh.
Relax.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Why is it so hard
all the time?
Five years.
I guess.
Some people get married.
Or get out.
Shit or get off the pot.
Yeah.
Maybe it's time.
For what?
Can't believe it.
Almost 15 years.
I feel so numb.
Oh, it's so fucking cliche.
Oh, yeah, he is who he is.
She's young, hot,
of childbearing years,
not very smart.
You're sure it's not like
a text flirtation?
I don't fucking care.
It's the same thing.
Okay, come on.
I mean, it could be harmless.
God knows what comes through
Marklin's phone on a daily basis.
How that doesn't drive you insane is
just, it's beyond me.
It does, but it's different.
How is it different?
It's not different.
What, because you're two men?
I mean, what, there aren't
separate gay rules, are there?
There sort of are.
What I mean... Wait, do you
want something stronger?
- Yes, please.
- Okay.
What I mean is that, you know,
men... men are men.
And we separate things easier.
Do you really believe that?
I mean, you never get jealous.
Well, of course, I do,
but it's like...
You know, in context,
it's just not a huge deal.
Sex is sex,
intimacy is intimacy.
And I don't even believe that.
Who the fuck knows?
We're in couple's,
so I'm no expert.
- Since when?
- Ah, since, I don't know.
Since we just keep
missing each other.
You want the name of the guy?
Oh, I'm not going
to counseling.
Oh, come on. You can't
throw away 15 years.
If you guys
can't do it, then...
Everything became just very
clear when I found out about it.
When I found out about it,
I knew.
For a while now, I just...
I chose to ignore it.
I guess you made compromises.
One makes compromises.
One chooses to fool oneself.
I mean...
You tell your friends,
"I'm dating this dingo,
but you know, don't worry,
he's not too dingoey."
And then you come home one day
and he is eating the babies,
'cause he's a fucking dingo
and that's what dingoes do.
They eat the babies.
- And you don't even like kids.
- I don't, no.
Finally, Ravella is painting
something interesting.
Oh, no. That's...
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Don't turn it around.
It's nothing to see, it's...
That's yours.
Yeah, it's just an idea.
It's really good, Adam.
Not at all.
It's much better than that crap
you usually paint for Ravella.
Yeah, if only she would sign
one of my paintings.
You don't need her.
I love it.
I swear that truck
is following me.
Just a little further.
- Okay, turn.
- What is it?
- Oh.
- Sit.
I mean...
unless there's a pinata,
is the blindfold really necessary?
Yes, shh! Take it off.
Surprise!
What is this?
Nothing.
I just got some things
I want to talk with you about.
To the man I met
on this very bench
five years ago.
You have changed my life.
I'm very lucky.
- Let's eat. I'm starving.
- Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm just making smaller bites.
For the rats?
So?
- Hmm?
- You said you had some things you wanted to talk about.
Yes.
What do you think?
About what?
Living here.
I wanted to talk to you
about it first, but,
I already made an offer.
Were we gonna
discuss it?
Yeah, we're discussing it now.
They haven't accepted yet.
I just don't think I can really
swing buying an apartment
at the moment.
It's just, you know...
If you got rid of
that albatross of a house,
you'll have some money,
we'll get out of the basement.
I've been trying to
for the last two years.
I know. Two years.
I've been very patient.
- This is really patient?
- And generous.
I seem to remember I was
pretty patient and generous
when you were making
12 bucks an hour at CB2.
It's not about
the money, Adam.
I have plenty of money for both
of us if you'd just let me.
It's about us.
We don't have kids.
It's just us.
I can't believe we're still
having these arguments.
We're not in our 20s anymore.
It's like...
You know, when we first met,
I had the life
that you wanted.
And now,
it suddenly feels like
I don't measure up.
You do.
Do you know how many artists
would kill to paint for Ravella?
Hey, I'm so proud of you.
I just want more.
You should want more too.
This is when is it supposed
to get a little easier.
So much for surprises.
You okay?
Huh, I got it.
Ravella, I am curious to know
who your
primary influences are
for this series.
They are so bold,
yet have
a deceptively jejune quality.
Jejune.
Hmm.
Well, that's funny.
Uh, I pull from life.
From the myriad connections
we encounter every day,
living in this
bustling metropolis.
She better not say something.
It's fine. I don't care.
What is up with you tonight?
We're here. Sorry we're late.
- Our Uber driver was the fucking worst.
- Yeah.
I almost got molested
by him.
Okay, that
did not happen, Haley,
but they are
seriously the fucking worst.
They'll let anyone
drive those cars.
But anyways, we're here.
I need a cigarette.
- Haley.
- Yeah.
Come on, I need my medicine.
I might need another drink.
The inspiration for this painting
came on an Indian summer morning
in Sagaponack,
when the fog hit the lawn.
Just so...
How long does one of these
take to execute?
- Execute?
- Hmm.
Sounds like a killing.
Well, you do stand to
make a killing off of these.
Commerce doesn't interest me.
What interests me
is the creative process.
Well, then, why sell at all?
Each painting
is like a birth.
And that is why
it takes a very long time.
And they each need a home
in this world.
How long?
Why is she so angry?
This painting alone
took almost a year.
A year!
Shit.
Sometimes, the simplest
brush strokes
are the most complicated.
- There you are.
- Incredible.
Hmm.
Great show. So nice of you
to include us.
Of course. Where is Adam?
Uh, he is over there.
- He's eating dairy?
- Mm.
- The poor thing.
- Mm.
Well, congratulations.
We'll catch up later.
Yes, yes, yes.
Get him away from the cheese.
Hmm. Hmm.
Peggy, where were we?
Fog.
Well, let's sober you up.
I haven't had anything
to drink. I haven't!
This is... I'm angry.
This isn't your first
Ravella opening.
I painted some of that.
My simple brush strokes
and yours.
I mean, I don't...
Well, maybe you've just
become numb to it all?
I'm not numb.
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go.
No.
No, I just don't understand,
Adam, how you can come here
and just let her celebrate?
Okay, this is not about me,
is it?
No.
Damon is, like, begging me
to let him come back.
- And?
- I don't know, I mean...
We've been together so long,
he's all I know.
But I don't want to settle!
I want more.
And I want you
to want more too.
Oh, God, why does everybody
keep saying that to me?
Listen, it's okay.
It's okay. Listen, I get it,
but please don't go?
I want you here.
I need you here.
- All right.
- Okay?
- I'll stay.
- Yes!
Yes, but please,
please tell me
that's we're not gonna be
the last ones to leave.
Oh, absolutely not.
Oh, my God. Holy shit.
Isn't that that homeless guy
that Cammy went out with?
Oh, my God, it is.
I knew it.
She's still seeing him.
You guys, I still feel dizzy.
Well, you don't smoke, Haley.
Yeah, I know, I just
didn't want Cammy to feel bad.
- She was smoking alone.
- She wouldn't. No one cares.
Wow. You're so right, Adam.
Because, to the matter
at hand.
What am I looking at?
The man inhaling food.
- That's Cammy's homeless guy.
- That's him?
He has
such nice shoes. Oh, Cammy!
Oh, Cammy, what?
- Your friend is here.
- Oh, I might have mentioned tonight.
I thought you broke it off
after dinner.
I did, and then I didn't.
- Okay.
- Okay, what?
I'm sorry, not all of us are
in relationships or married.
Some of us are just trying to
get through the day.
And you know what? I didn't break
up with him because he was homeless,
or because he was the butt
of our collective joke.
I broke up with him because
he was neurologically confused
and said my pussy
tasted like pennies,
which I'm realizing right now,
isn't even a deal breaker.
And I slept with Scott James.
Okay, Haley, you don't
have to do that.
- Do what?
- You don't have to take care of Cammy like that.
Hey, can I grab you
for a quick shot with Ravella?
Oh, no, just Marklin.
Yeah, sure.
I mean...
Talk about irony.
It's like a parallel universe.
Can we go?
Please. I've been out the
door since I got here.
They were good.
So different
from your own work.
"Adam, why aren't you working
on your own stuff?"
I didn't say that.
Just making an observation.
- Since you brought it up.
- I am.
Good.
And you can have that
with your name on the wall.
Not so easy.
It's not as hard
as you make it out to be.
Not everyone can get
a profile in New Yorker.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I got a break.
Big deal.
I got a break
after working my ass off.
And I also worked my ass off
sans break.
You know what? Maybe tonight's
not the best night to play Mom.
I'm trying to play
supportive boyfriend.
Try harder.
Can we get
some more chips, please?
Should've brought Tupperware.
- Hilarious.
- Ha-ha!
Homeless joke.
That's very funny.
I mean, what is
home anyway?
That's an excellent question.
We live in a shared economy,
no one owns a car,
nobody's buying real estate.
- Aren't you buying a place?
- Marklin is.
Nothing definite.
Oh, so you guys will have
how many places?
Two. No, three... Two?
The plan is to have
just one together.
- Oh, is that the plan?
- Hmm.
The show was fun tonight.
Never been to
a gallery opening.
I mean, it was good,
considering, you know,
Adam painted
mostly everything in there.
Yeah, invisible.
- Oh, no! Who bought these?
- Whoo!
The table over there.
They're big fans.
- Big fans. Visible.
- Thanks!
- Who wants to do slap shots?
- I do.
- What is that?
- I read about it in Teen Vogue.
Or was it regular Vogue?
I can't remember,
but you do the shot
and you get slapped
- while you suck a lime.
- Oh, yeah!
Wow. You do the slap
instead of a lime.
Okay, none of this
sounds good.
No, come on.
That sounds like fun.
Come on, who's first?
Come on, everybody.
We're gonna play slap shots.
- Who's first?
- I'll go.
This is so waiting for Cammy.
Okay.
- Ow!
- I barely hit you.
- Asshole!
- Please. Can we just do the shots?
Fuck that! My turn. Adam. Go.
Oh!
- Goddamn!
- Oh, no!
It's my turn. My turn.
Marklin.
You can hit me.
Yeah, how about just
drinking without violence?
No, it's my turn.
Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- Adam?
- Adam?
- I'm fine.
I'm sorry.
Give him a minute.
- Yeah, just let him...
- But it looks like he's really hurt.
Why did I hit him so hard?
He's been like this all night.
Oh, my God. Of course!
This.
Excuse me?
Somebody in...
Hey, can someone turn that
fucking jingle off?
Aw, man!
It's an ice cream van.
Hello?
Okay.
It's this one.
Wait, how did you...
Sit.
Where are we going?
Trust me.
The fuck you doing
on my truck?
Oh, Jesus.
What happened to you?
- What?
- Your head, man.
- Cut up, bleeding.
- I think I'm fine.
I think you should
probably see a doctor.
Look, I said I'm fine,
all right?
I just want that
fucking jingle to stop.
- Jingle's not playing, man.
- It's always playing.
I know you.
The pool.
Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
- How are you feeling?
Mm-hmm.
Um, embarrassed?
Well, that was a pro move.
If by pro, you mean dick.
That incessant song, though.
I can see how it can
make people do things.
I blame noise pollution,
not Adam.
- Did I actually hit you?
- Not even close.
You hit, like... What's the PC
way of saying "like a girl"?
Girl.
I'm sorry.
Hey, who's the cute
ice cream truck guy?
Oh, my God!
He looks more like
a Roman statue
than an ice cream vendor.
Yeah, but, ice cream trucks
are, like, very creepy,
and also, very dirty.
I mean, what am I gonna get?
A cone with some E. coli on top?
Those trucks are actually
cleaner than most restaurants.
They have to pass a lot
of inspections to operate.
Okay, how do you
even know that?
Well, the young lady
would be correct.
Hey, I hope I didn't
mess up your truck.
We gotta stop meeting
like this.
How do you two
know each other?
Uh, we met at the gym.
Oh, my God. Gay guys should never be
like, "Met at the gym."
Oh, I'm not gay.
You're not? Me too.
I mean, neither am I.
All right, then.
Can you guys
give us a minute?
- Yup, that's something we could do.
- Yup.
Everybody out.
- Yeah.
- Cool. We'll be...
I don't know what to say.
What's going on with you?
A lot, I guess.
I just think the show
last night really got to me.
Of course, it did.
It's not just that.
It's everything. It's...
Are you having
something outside of us?
No!
Adam, no!
Okay.
Just no secrets.
No secrets.
Yeah, I always thought I'd be in
such a different place by now.
That I'd have a lot more
of my life figured out.
I'm not and I don't.
It's not such a cute
look when 40's in sight.
I think if we can get through
this rough patch,
we're gonna be just fine.
And strong, and invincible.
Yeah, me too.
What is it Sensitive Ken
always says?
That he accepts cash
and credit cards?
Stop.
- What?
- We need to communicate.
Oh.
It's so easy, right?
You didn't really sleep
with Scott James, did you?
Um, emotionally.
- Haley, he's a child!
- No, I didn't.
I just said it
because I felt left out.
The thing is, I think
I really love him.
Okay, maybe you do.
Like, the way a parent
loves a child.
It's all so confusing.
He needs me.
Like, he really needs me.
Like, beyond how anyone's
every needed me before.
No, Haley, he's dependent
on you, okay?
And you doing all these things for him,
is not going to help him in the future.
I mean, it's only going to
make him more dependent on you.
Sorry, it's just like Adam
and Marklin's relationship.
He didn't get into Brown.
Good. He never
would have made it.
I've never owned a dog.
I can't keep
a single succulent alive.
I don't want them
to find my body someday
under a pile
of New Yorker magazines
and cat hair
and take-out containers.
You don't even read
New Yorker magazine.
Cammy, I'm being serious.
Okay, yeah, I know it sucks,
but the only thing
you could do is just
wake up every day
and hope for the best.
Ugh, I'm going to throw up
in my mouth.
- This is way too many feelings...
- I love you, Cammy.
Okay.
Thanks.
Oh, speaking of throwing up.
Why is it so easy for her?
Easy?
She's getting divorced.
Mm. Yeah, there's that.
I guess, I should too.
What?
Divorce Scott James.
Oh, I guess you should.
- Yes.
- No, do.
Looked like you two
were really hitting it off.
I bet he knows so much
about the decline
of the food truck movement.
Mm, this is so delicious.
That is all he talked about.
Ice cream, ice cream.
I know so much about ice cream.
He does have big plans, though.
He wants to expand to Austin,
Detroit and it just...
It's just, what a snoozefest.
At least he doesn't live
in his vehicle.
And he's not a minor.
God, being single sucks, you guys.
I don't know how you do it.
It's not really a choice.
Yeah, it's not like when I was a
little girl, I had a dream of just
having dates with an endless
parade of cautionary tales.
Yeah, I'm jealous of what
you and Damon have. Had.
And what Adam
and Marklin have.
I don't think you all get it.
Despite all the problems,
you still have someone there for you.
Yeah, someone
you want to murder.
Oh, I would kill
to murder someone.
Oh, look, Adam's getting discharged.
That was quick.
- Here, give him this.
- Whoa.
Okay, he's not a hurricane
victim, but cool.
Yeah, it's just a
bump on the head.
Listen, this has been fun,
girls, but...
I've gotta go swallow
a bottle of Lexapro.
Ooh! I'll come join you.
I have some paperwork for you
to sign as his medical proxy.
Uh, I think
I already signed it.
We don't have instructions
for the DNR.
Okay. Um...
He doesn't want to be revived,
so I can sign this one?
Not to bother you,
but, I love The Detailist.
I got these last month.
We've made him very comfortable,
if it's any consolation.
Thank you.
You haven't told Adam yet.
No.
I was going to,
then I just didn't.
'Cause I thought
he was gonna get better.
This whole situation
would resolve itself
and now it's just so huge.
I mean, you guys did spend
all that time together.
You and Karl.
I can't tell Adam
about all this.
That you are your ex's
medical proxy
and you just signed his DNR?
Yeah, you don't.
I don't want to
do that anymore.
You really put yourself
in a tricky position, boo.
Adam thinks
I'm having an affair.
Lies, an affair.
Both are pretty shitty.
I think I love Karl
more than Adam.
It's always easy to love
someone who's unavailable.
Trust me.
Don't curate your past, okay?
Karl and I
just fit together, somehow.
More than Adam.
I should just be single.
Maybe.
- Really?
- I don't fucking know.
Why does everyone think I have
the magical answers to life
as they pertain
to relationships?
Why is that?
Goddamn, I fucking don't.
You're a mess.
I am. I am so messy.
I need a broom.
I am so messy.
- So am I.
- Oh, shit!
Adam.
You gonna go through
every single book?
Well, some of them
had notes in them.
See?
Honey.
This is called
emotional cutting.
It's closure.
Give me that.
"Adam, I can't imagine a day
without the sun, or without you."
- Come on.
- It's sweet.
If you like crap. Toss it.
Toss it. Come on, toss it!
- I will.
- I burned mine.
This feels good.
What about this?
Uh, Goodwill.
I got it for, like,
40 bucks on eBay.
Mm.
Or keep it, or keep it,
I don't know.
No, no, no.
We're moving on, okay?
Gotta let it go.
God, there's so much shit.
Marklin was right.
It's like a museum to another time.
You wanted to sell the house,
no one wanted to buy it,
now they did, and so, you're done.
It's ironic that now that I've
finally done it, it's too late.
Listen to me, it's not too late
because the house wasn't sold.
It's too late because he's
just as stuck as you are
and he's too stubborn
to admit it, okay?
Marklin is the only person Karl had
to fucking pull the fucking plug?
He's not pulling the plug.
You know what I mean.
Come on, Adam, get mad
for fuck's sake!
I am mad. I broke up with him.
Okay, if this is mad,
I'd like to see furious.
I am furious.
- Please!
- I am, okay?
- God!
- Do you need me to smack you? 'Cause I will.
- No.
- 'Cause I will.
My God, that felt so good.
Yes! Yes!
Let's break some more shit.
Let's break some more shit.
Get all that shit.
- They're so ugly.
- Yes, get the swan, get the owl.
- Okay, all right.
- Get that tiny horse.
I am starting to get
a little bit worried.
- Let's go. We're gonna get big.
- Huh?
Oh, God!
That felt really good.
Oh, my God. This one's going
to be a bigger crash, ready?
Oh, yes!
Keep going. I'm not done.
Oh, this is fun. Yes.
- No, you don't want to...
- Oh!
Oh!
Sorry, I want to keep this.
Oh, God, yes. Charlie Brown.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Oh, that felt good.
You got me.
Oh, God.
Last one.
It's like on Hoarders.
We all have to get rid of
parts of ourselves.
It's called growth.
I'm not a hoarder.
Well, you have the luxury of
space which gives the illusion
of not holding on to
a bunch of crap.
Where am I gonna go?
If I had known
we were going to split up,
I would have
held onto this place.
Are you kidding me right now?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
New Adam.
Not old Adam.
Come on.
Come on, you gotta promise me
that we're both...
We're both only going to
move forward.
I promise.
Yeah?
Good.
Forward.
- Hey, Dad. Sorry I'm late.
- Adam.
Okay. You look fabulous.
Thank you. You too.
Well, your stepmom, okay?
She's got me riding
the bicycle,
painting the house,
even doing
a little gardening, okay?
I got my green thumb.
Hopefully not a limp wrist.
This is my son, Adam, okay?
The famous artist.
- What can I get you?
- Ah! Top of the morning to you.
It's an Italian restaurant, Dad.
- Just a Diet Coke, please.
- A Diet Coke?
- Sir?
- I'm good.
- You need a moment?
- Yes, please. Thank you.
I got to hit the John.
Been drinking a lot of water.
All this running around.
Okay.
I swear, the bathrooms
in the city
are getting smaller.
Back when I did the plumbing
at Radio City, okay,
there were walls of toilets.
Walls. You never had to wait.
This is a restaurant,
not a concert hall.
Hmm.
Yeah.
How's the painting?
How's Marklin?
You know, they profiled him
in our local paper.
They mentioned you,
but they didn't say anything
about your art.
Dad...
Marklin and I...
Thank you.
I told you about my son,
the famous artist, right?
Yes, you did.
When he was a kid, okay?
He used to sneak into
the city to go to SoHo.
Wow.
Lot of freedom.
Just need a few more minutes.
Absolutely.
- You can't do that.
- What?
Be proud of my son?
- Make everyone feel...
- Feel what?
Dad, I know you're proud,
but you can't put people
on the spot.
I didn't put him on the spot.
- He was impressed.
- You put me on the spot.
I don't like to
talk about myself.
You know, I learned
from my AA,
you gotta own who you are.
You can't apologize.
I don't want to apologize.
Your AA?
Every morning, 7 o'clock.
- Every morning?
- Yeah.
It works if you work it.
Yeah, I know the slogans.
Al-Anon uses them too.
That's great, Dad.
Well, enough about me, okay?
When do I get to come
to a big gallery opening?
Uh, Ravella has a show now.
I don't care about her.
I'm talking about you.
- My son is going to be the next Picasso.
- Dad!
I'll let you know.
Don't settle, Adam.
Not like I did.
You deserve it all.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I texted you before I came.
Well, I was
in the neighborhood
and I brought some coffee
and those bagels you like.
Should we
photograph them first?
Ha-ha!
Thank you.
Come in.
- Sure?
- Yeah.
Do you need a hand?
No, I'm good.
You know you can
shower at home.
- Come on.
- I've got it.
Hold the bottom,
hold the bottom.
I've got it. Shit!
Damn it.
For the son of a plumber,
this is pretty busted.
Are you going to stop this
nonsense and come home?
Where's home?
Pulled the offer
on the apartment.
You were right.
Wasn't going to be ours,
it was going to be mine.
You didn't have to do that.
Yeah, I did.
When did this all
turn into shit?
Not all of it.
I want to show you something.
Is that Ravella's?
Wait, did you...
Yeah, I kept one.
This is yours?
Wow.
It's a start.
It's fantastic.
What are you doing?
You wanna do the honors?
It's not hers.
It's not mine.
Adam, no.
Yeah, I don't even know
why I kept it.
I could probably
never sell it.
Just made me
feel safe somehow.
Like the house upstate.
I wasn't gonna say that.
I was gonna say,
like the new apartment,
for me.
Like Karl.
What you did for Karl...
Taking care of people,
Marklin, that's...
That's the whole reason
that I fell in love with you.
And just walking
in on it, I...
I want you to take care of me
and I want to
take care of you.
But we pretend that
we don't need that.
What I said at the hospital...
I was really upset.
I know. Me too.
I'm not perfect.
Never gonna be.
With you, I get pretty close.
Same. With you.
And I broke up with someone
caring for a terminal patient.
That's not so perfect.
How is Karl?
Remarkably, he's rallying.
Good. I'm so glad.
So now what?
Mm.
Holy shit!
Wow! That feels good.
Your turn.
You know, I am gonna need
these canvases for me.
It's really good.
We'll see.
Well, thanks, Haley,
for everything.
Oh, you got in on your own.
I mean, it's not Brown.
No, but, you know,
Penn's not a bad safety school.
Well, it's not
a safety school at all.
Yeah, no. I know.
But the important thing is,
you did it on your own.
That's it, huh?
We better hurry.
It's a bit of a drive.
It's okay, right?
Oh, yeah, I was just kidding
about Penn being a safety school.
It's more than okay.
Well, I mean about Karina.
Oh, God, yes.
- Mm-hmm.
- Good.
Well, thanks, Haley.
For teaching a man
how to fish
and not just
filleting the fish.
Sure.
- Come here.
- Okay, yeah.
Nope.
What a piece of work.
He's never gonna be able
to fish on his own.
You got him into Penn.
Okay.
Use those mirrors.
Goddamnit.
Hi! I know the map says
take 9th Avenue,
but if you take
Westside Highway,
that would be amazing.
Any way you want.
I don't know
what's happening right now.
I circled your block
for days,
waiting for you to
finally log in for a ride.
- So...
- Wow.
- That is, um...
- Yeah?
That's a little creepy,
but very sweet.
You got a job.
Well, I've got to pay
my rent somehow, right?
- Rent? Wow!
- Yep.
- All right, now.
- It was all thanks to you.
And my neurological confusion.
- I'm gonna be late.
- Okay.
This is so weird.
Relax.
You know, I actually bought
this tie on your website.
Why are you such a dick?
- We're doing this, right?
- Yes.
Yes, we are.
Good.
Here goes.
You're next, huh?
Uh, we'll see.
Come on! You've been
together for years.
Nah, this is our first date.
- Oh.
- Okay.
It is, isn't it?
Fresh start.
Bingo.
Bingo.
I gotta go. So do you.
That's true.
Looking good, girl. Yes!
Thank you.
Clean slate.
Forward.
Why wait, right?
Right?
It's just so weird.
Okay, well,
what did he say, exactly?
He said he needed to
talk to me.
- Needed or wanted?
- What's the difference?
- Urgency.
- He said needed.
- Ugh, that's urgent.
- I know.
He gave you super gonorrhea.
Shut up!
When did he tell you this?
- As soon as he walked through the door.
- Oh, my God.
What an asshole.
Do you wanna go?
Yes, and no.
I don't want to know what it is.
- Oh, my God. You've got to find out.
- You've got to know.
- Let's get the check.
- Sorry, uh...
Sorry it took me so long.
It's so weird. They have
one of those toilets
that's like a jacuzzi
for your butt.
Well, Japanese culture
is so interesting, is it not?
Like, ugh, I can't wait
to go to Tokyo.
Excuse me?
Hey, you're still airbnb-ing
the house upstate, right?
- Good God, no!
- He didn't tell you?
- No.
- Oh, my God, it was a nightmare!
This sweet lady, she rents it for
the weekend and she brings her dog.
I'm cool with pets.
Whatever, it's fine.
Until she decides that
she wants to be nice
and clean it herself.
It is so not funny.
Okay, so, Adam's got
one of those robot vacuums.
- A Roomba.
- A Roomba, yeah.
Yeah, Roombas.
She turns the Roomba on,
she leaves the house,
and the dog
gets into the trash
and eats something
that gives him diarrhea.
Un-uh.
And the Roomba
spread shit everywhere.
She was gone for eight hours.
It took two weeks to clean it up.
- No, no, honey, that is like...
- Yes.
...the worst thing
I've heard all week.
Mm-hmm.
- You have a lot of property.
And you own it
with your ex, right?
Well, no, I actually got it
when my mom died.
It was always just mine,
I guess.
So much property.
And it's so cute,
by the way. It's so charming.
- It's a safety net house.
- No.
- You have to sell it.
- Trying to.
Mm-hmm.
- Anyway...
- So much property.
Can I interest you in dessert?
No.
Thank you,
just the check.
I don't mean to bother you,
but I'm obsessed with your website.
Oh, thank you. Thanks.
Oh, stop. This is
our anniversary dinner,
so Marklin and I
would like to treat you.
- You don't have to do that.
- Yes!
- We invited you.
- You're sure?
Yes.
Adam and I are going to hang for
a second and finish our fight.
- Really?
- No.
Not really. We're gonna
walk you guys out.
Can you wrap this up to go?
Um, sure.
Those too.
That one too.
Call me and let me know
what's up.
Mm-hmm.
The waiter ordered us
an UberPool.
- That's cool, right?
- Yes.
Hey!
Wish me luck.
And it just gets worse.
I have my phone on.
Now, she really knows
how to pick 'em.
I need a drink.
Oh, well, lucky for you...
- You did not.
- Well, yeah.
They took everything else.
Why not?
You're gonna get us arrested.
It looks like a bottle of Sprite.
Don't worry.
Little bit of worry is okay.
Well, yeah, but that's why
I love you.
I love you.
Happy Anniversary.
Maybe next time
no double-date?
Hi! Do you have a minute
for gay rights?
- No!
- Okay, asshole.
Easy. We're already members.
Oh, my God!
I love you.
- Can I take a pic?
- No problem.
Up!
- Thank you.
- Okay.
I am freaking out.
Didn't know
they work nights.
Well, we are downtown.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Are you...
Let's go.
Yes.
Ah, man!
I just...
I don't know how to tell you this.
Just say it, I guess?
I mean...
Uh, okay.
Um, look, um...
These past three weeks,
getting to know you
have been amazing
and I really think that I'm
starting to feel things for you,
but there's something
that I... Ugh!
Oh, my God,
you're making me nervous right now!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Just say it.
- I'm so sorry!
- Yeah, I'm...
- It's okay.
I'm...
I'm homeless.
I'm sorry, what now?
I'm homeless.
- And you're staying on friends' couches?
- No, I did that.
You moved in
with your parents?
No, I did that too.
I'm...
I live in a shelter.
But you have such nice shoes.
I have a locker.
Don't eat those.
Come on. Can't we just have
coffee like normal people?
When I'm done.
Bingo. Bingo.
Okay, can you help?
I can't get the shot.
- I'm worried.
- Just... Do you mind?
Nope.
Okay.
Make sure you get
the logo on the...
- I got it.
- Okay.
What are you doing?
Don't make that face.
Just look normal, okay?
This is normal.
- Don't eat my blackberry.
- It's too late.
This normal enough?
You told him
get out, right?
- Well, I...
- You did not have sex with him.
- Well, he was already there.
- Cammy!
And I
already slept with him!
With the presumption
that he had shelter!
You know, there should
probably be an app for that.
I think it's just assumed.
Oh, my God!
You slept with a homeless.
Person, sweetie.
I slept with
a homeless person, okay?
- Homeless is not a noun.
- A person, of course.
Wow, you are so kind, Cam.
I am really scraping the bottom
of the barrel these days.
No, it's good.
You gave to someone in need.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God, this is so hot!
- Eww!
- Did they heat this on the sun?
- I'm sorry, that was my fault.
- It is so hot!
I told them, "Caldo,"
which is Italian for hot.
- So, you're gonna see him again?
- No! Of course not.
- Okay, I didn't know!
- I have a little self-respect, sweetie.
- All right.
- I did it again, okay?
I picked another loser.
I'm sorry, but like,
what white guy is homeless at 36?
- I'm sure there are a lot.
- On Tinder?
Yes, that is
an interesting twist.
God, he was just so nice,
he was just so sweet.
I was really hoping
this would work out, you know?
How did he get homeless?
Get homeless? Become homeless?
Wait, what's the right phrase?
It's "become."
How do you not know that?
Become homeless.
Well, his ex-girlfriend used to pay for
everything and he was staying with her,
and they broke up,
so he had to leave.
And he just stayed
on friends' couches
until that became untenable.
And then he just checked
himself into a shelter?
There are few steps
that are missing.
I feel like you don't just go
from a couch to a shelter.
Yeah, okay! Haley, I get it,
but that's what he told me, okay?
I think the red flag was him
being supported by the girlfriend.
There are a lot of red flags.
Red flags everywhere.
I'm color blind.
Anyways, how are you?
I'm good. I mean,
I've got a roof over my head.
- Too soon?
- Yes, bitch. That is too soon.
I don't know.
What do you think so far?
- Looks good to me.
- Yeah?
Ravella wants it by Friday.
Then tell her to paint it
her fucking self.
And seriously,
it doesn't seem that hard.
How much does
one of these go for?
I don't know, like a hundred.
- Thousand?
- Yeah.
Holy shit!
Why don't you just paint one
and keep it for yourself
and then you sell it?
Well, because, then it would be by
me, not by Ravella.
- Yeah, but, they're all by you.
- Unofficially.
Mm.
So fucked up.
It's so fucked up.
These poor bastards who buy this shit.
Do they understand
that Ravella Brewer is not actually
painting their $100,000 treasure?
Well, no, but Ravella
is not the first to do this.
Rembrandt, Matisse.
I guess, but it's just that
she makes a ton of dough
and you, you barely make
a living wage.
Yeah, well, it is what it is.
Well, if you and Marklin
would just get married.
Mm, I'm not taking
his money, Elizabeth.
It's not taking money when you're
married, it's called sharing.
That is marriage.
I mean, why are you so against it?
I marched my ass in the snow
for your rights.
I don't know, the thing
about gay marriage...
No, no, no, no.
Don't say it.
- It's so gay.
- It's not funny. You're deflecting.
It's not even on the table.
It's because you're so vocal
about how you don't want to do it.
And what? And end up
like Haley? No, thank you.
Not everyone gets divorced
after a year.
Yeah, some people last five,
like my parents.
Damon and I got engaged
the first week we met.
And look at us,
still together 15 years later.
Come on, look at it.
He put the ring in a bagel.
- Yes.
- French!
You are insane.
- Ah!
- Look, I love being gay.
You know that. It's probably like
my favorite thing about myself.
I love that you're gay.
But, I don't know.
Marriage doesn't magically solve...
Two men together is tricky.
Okay, then don't get married.
Just share his money
like Damon and I do.
Come on, I do better than him,
but it's doesn't matter.
You're in a partnership, for God's sake!
Ba-ba-bup-bup. Let's drop it.
Okay? I got to finish this
by Friday.
Blobs.
It's so simple!
Seriously, I could do that.
You know, it's a little more
complicated than that.
- Well...
- Give it a try.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, as long as she signs
it, it's a Ravella Brewer.
Just don't go nuts.
Don't go nuts.
- Okay, no crazy.
- Oh, yeah.
- Crazy.
- I know you.
Where shall I begin?
Maybe over here.
Feels good, right?
Ah, I'd feel a lot better if I
was getting paid a hundred grand.
I'm out of mud.
- Let me?
- Excuse me.
- Boom!
- Damn, that's good.
Don't even need to sand.
Work for me?
That would be
a fun life pivot.
- What's this gonna be again?
- An office for Elizabeth.
I've given up on trying to
make it a nursery.
Oh, well.
Sorry.
You kind of missed the boat
on that one.
This will be nice, though.
Elizabeth thinks
she hates kids.
Um, she does hate kids.
I kept thinking I could
convince her, you know?
Should have switched her birth
control out with Tic Tacs.
- Wait, they look the same?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Really?
- No!
You can't trick someone
into having a baby.
Especially her. She'll jump in
front of a train if that happened.
Uh, I feel like
that's what's missing.
Oh, sure.
Baby fixes everything.
I need to retape this.
You did a shitty job.
So, when are you two
gonna have one?
What?
Mm, never.
Ah, come on.
You'd make great dads.
I don't feel like dropping
$250,000 to buy a baby.
- Shit! That's a lot.
- Yeah.
And IVF lawyers.
Taking care of some needy
fucking surrogate in Albuquerque.
It's at least that.
- Well, you could adopt.
- I already have a baby.
And his name is Adam.
- There you go.
- And he's a baby.
Ooh!
Over here, over here.
The Whitney I love.
The Whitney free Wi-Fi.
- Uh-huh.
- I swear, someone's siphoning my data.
Who keeps texting you?
It's just one of my students.
They're very persistent.
Well, it's mid-terms.
Is that Scott James?
No. Yeah, yes.
You are moving into some very serious
Pamela Smart territory right now.
He just needs help
with his homework.
I think he wants
a little bit more than that.
No.
Are you serious?
He is so dependent on you.
Well, you know,
maybe a little.
Little? You wrote
all of his college essays.
Well, it's just easier
than all the back and forth.
- He has a boner for you, Haley.
- He's 17.
Well, at least he has a home.
Do you mind if I...
I'm just gonna grab this.
- Yeah.
- Hello?
Who doesn't know that Mark Twain
coined the term "the Gilded Age?"
- Everybody.
- It's like...
I like to feel like I'm making a
difference by tutoring these kids,
but then I get
a call like that.
Well, at least you have a reason
to get out of bed in the morning.
Sometimes I feel like the
darkness is just gonna consume me.
- You're being dramatic.
- I fucked a homeless person.
No, yeah, that's dark.
But that's behind you now.
No, stop. I got to work.
Hey.
Hey! Psst!
Very funny.
- That always gets me.
- Hey there.
Hi.
One sec. Yup.
- Delivery.
- Thanks. Just a minute.
- Gotta answer the door.
- Nuh-uh.
- I'm just kissing you.
- Yeah.
You're never just kissing me.
I can't help it if I'm
attracted to my boyfriend.
We have sex every day.
That's a bad thing?
Here we go.
Don't do that.
We were having fun. Don't shut down.
I just have a lot of stuff to post today.
I'm not shut down.
And by the way,
we don't have sex everyday.
We used to.
Sometimes,
I just want affection.
Are you
fucking kidding me?
Just telling you
how I feel.
No, not you, the coat.
It's $14,000.
I don't know. Sure.
That's like my first semester
of art school.
God, so much free shit.
It's not free.
We'll give him at least
that in promotion.
Yeah, well, it's just...
I mean, come on. It's crazy.
You gotta admit,
when you don't need it, you get it,
and then when you need it,
you don't get it.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I could take
some of those if you want.
No, I'm good, I got it.
Okay.
All right. I'm gonna
get out of your hair, then.
Oh, hey, um, I'm gonna be like,
a day or two late on the rent this month.
Ravella's accountant
is out of town and...
- Already covered it.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.
I'll have it tomorrow,
next day at the latest.
It's just, you know,
the house upstate...
It's fine, I don't mind covering the rent.
I already told you that.
You will sell the house.
Someday, okay?
Hey, I'm headed to the studio.
You want to
grab some food later?
Uh, I'm supposed to be
meeting Cammy tonight.
Okay. Tell her I said hi.
Okay.
- Love you.
- Love you too.
I thought the deal was you were going
to write some of this out longhand.
Turn your phone off.
I have terrible handwriting.
Well, that's because no one
writes anymore.
The Palmer Method
is a lost art.
You're so smart.
You are just as smart.
It's about applying yourself.
I...
I didn't get into Brown.
Oh, no! Really?
Yeah, see? I'm not
as smart as you.
I couldn't even get into
the place you went.
That was a long time ago.
Well, I mean, it wasn't
that long ago.
Wait, ow!
How is that even possible?
That was a great essay.
I sent in my version.
What now?
I didn't use
the one you fixed.
Why would you do that?
Because you wrote it.
No, I merely corrected it
and made it more cohesive.
You wrote it, Haley, not me.
What?
You let me fix everything,
Scott James!
What am I doing right now?
And you choose to take a stand with
the most important assignment ever,
your college essay?
Don't be mad.
It wasn't a stand.
I'm not mad, I'm...
All the work
we've done together...
- You've done.
- We've done.
I have sat there
holding your hand,
ushering you along
all this while.
I just wanted to see
if I could do it on my own.
Well, clearly, you cannot!
I already knew that.
Why do you think your parents
are paying me all this money
to come over here
four times a week?
Shit, I'm sorry.
Oh, no. No, Scott James.
I am sorry. I am sorry.
I shouldn't have
lost my temper like that.
You are so smart, Scott James,
so smart.
No, I'm just a dum-dum.
No, no, no, you are not.
No, no, Scott James!
No, no, no, it's okay.
It's okay.
It'll make me feel better.
No. Come on, now.
It's... It's okay.
Oh, wow. That looks amazing.
- Thank you.
- How did you do that?
Um, I used to edit cookbooks,
so it's not really a big deal.
Wow, I have, like, so much more.
You don't have to...
No, it's... I'm sorry.
We just don't usually get this
kind of food at the shelter.
And this... This is amazing.
This tastes so good.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
My tongue feels weird.
Oh, there's some
Szechuan peppers in there.
It's like it's buzzing.
Um, is it going to burn me?
Mm-mm. It's not hot as much as it
can cause neurological confusion.
Okay. What?
It's really cool.
Just, like, confuses your taste buds.
So, it's not gonna
fuck with my head?
No, no. Mm-mm.
Okay.
- Oh, that tastes weird.
- Yeah, it's the peppers.
- I just said...
- I think I'm gonna take a break.
Yeah, me too.
So, I was actually thinking
of having one of my girls
come over tonight.
Nice, what do you wanna do?
Well, we were gonna stay here.
Oh, that's cool. There are so many
killer docs on Netflix right now.
Yeah, they are the killer.
I have been catching up
on so much great stuff
since you've been
letting me stay here.
I mean, at the shelter,
it's Forensic Files all day, everyday.
- Sucks.
- Well, I was just kinda hoping
we can have, like,
one-on-one girl time.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
Of course. I know
how to do a lockout.
Um, what's a good time
for me to come back?
Like, midnight, one o'clock?
Well, where are you gonna go?
Well, there's plenty of places to hand.
I can go to the library,
go to Starbucks,
I can take the A-train
out to Far Rockaway,
and then up to 207th.
And back out to Far Rockaway.
You think I'm still
neurologically confused?
- Yeah, I don't...
- Fuck it, I'm hungry.
Fuck it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hi.
He's having
a really good day today.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
I've seen cases
worse than this turn around.
You don't have to do that.
Do what?
I know what the deal is.
He can hear you, you know?
That's fine. He knows
what the deal is too.
Okay.
Right.
- Yeah?
- Oh, finally. You answer.
What's wrong? What's going on?
Have you see
The Detailist today?
Marklin looks like
the truest form of a Kennedy.
I get why people buy
so much stuff because of him.
Is this why you called?
He's so handsome.
I mean, if he got a flat tire,
people would know who he was.
Okay, people already know
who he is.
So weird, right?
One minute we're all
working at CB2,
the next minute he's famous.
We live in New York.
He doesn't drive.
You know what I mean.
He's that type of person.
I got wine for tonight.
What time do you want me to come over?
And is anyone else coming?
Also, I could make a pizza.
If you're eating that.
Are you still doing points?
I could do
a cauliflower crust.
Uh, yes,
I'm still doing points.
And I really want to
go out tonight.
Cam, you said
we were gonna watch
the Menendez Brothers
anniversary thing.
It's the only thing that's kept
me breathing this horrible week.
Well, I'll DVR it.
I just really need to get out.
You sound weird.
What's going on?
Nothing.
- Are you alone?
- Yeah, who would be here?
Any number of strange men.
Please, girl. I can't.
I'll see you later.
God, it's hot out.
Do you have any matches?
Uh-huh, yeah, somewhere.
Lighter on the shelf.
Wait, what do you need it for?
Oh, my God.
Your birthday's today?
Scott James, I'm so sorry.
I totally forgot.
It's okay.
No, no, wait.
You can't just blow it out.
Um, happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Scott James.
Happy Birthday to you.
- It's official.
- What's official?
I'm an adult now.
Cupcake.
Cake.
- What?
- What?
Today's not your birthday.
Your birthday is on July 11th.
The day that Marie Antoinette
said, "Let them eat cake."
You actually told me
she never said that.
She didn't.
That's not the point.
The point is that your birthday
is not for another month.
Well, what's the big deal?
It's only a few weeks. Come on!
Scott James,
I am your teacher!
But hey, I love you.
Oh, no! Scott James,
don't say that.
But it's true!
I can't help it.
I can't stop thinking
about you!
- But you have to stop.
- I can't, Haley, it hurts!
It hurts! It's my heart,
Haley, I just...
I just... I don't know
what to do!
I am in so much pain.
My gosh! Oh, my gosh,
you've got a crush.
That's why they call it that.
It crushes you.
I can't. I can't.
I can't go on. I can't go on.
Oh, no. That's not gonna work.
It's electric.
It doesn't even work.
Don't cry, Scott James.
Uh...
So, we have to stop now.
Thank you, Ken.
Uh, I hate to end a session
like that,
but, a lot to think about.
- Totally.
- Mm-hmm.
So, let me look at some times
for next week.
Uh, you know what?
Can I e-mail you?
I have a couple projects
up in the air.
- I have a product launch sometime.
- Sure.
I love what you're doing
for men's fashion.
I hope it's okay that I speak
about something outside this room?
- It's all right.
- It's fine.
And, allow the feelings
that came up today to exist.
Or not exist, if that's what
they're telling you
You can make space for that.
- Sure.
- Okay, then.
- Bingo.
- Bingo.
- Same route, or different?
- Same.
I'm going to get
some neck massage.
- Feet too.
- You're on.
Just wait.
Don't... Okay.
- You're cheating.
- I'm winning.
No. Oh, shit!
- Oh, red light.
- Hey, you, like me?
Fags!
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we are.
Fuck off!
You know, that's like
the fifth time we've had that?
I can make something else,
we can go out...
No, no, no, no, no,
are you kidding me? I love it.
Besides, I'm used to eating the
same thing every day where I live.
And no lockouts.
You are...
- You are the best.
- I know.
I am the best.
My mouth still does feel
a little weird, though.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Think you would have built up
some tolerance to that already.
Where are you going,
Mr. Henry?
Come on, we can't even
get through one movie?
Mm-hmm.
- I'm just saying.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Stop, stop, stop.
Henry, stop.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It tastes like I licked a battery.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my vagina is on fire!
Oh, my God!
This is disgusting.
Okay, you know what?
You don't have to be a dick.
Yeah, well, I didn't ask you to fuck
up my whole neurological system.
It's not your whole system.
It's just your taste buds.
Yeah, my taste buds,
which are making my
favorite thing in the world
taste like
a bag of old pennies.
Get out.
- What?
- Get out.
I can see why your
ex-girlfriend broke up with you.
I can see why you're homeless.
You are just an asshole.
- I'm sorry.
- I mean, I cook for you,
I am nice to you,
I let you live with me, no lockouts!
I know, I know,
I know, I know.
I'm really, really sorry.
It's just...
I'm really fucked up
from these peppers.
No. You're just
fucked up, period.
You're homeless.
What 36-year-old doesn't even
have a couch to sleep on?
I told you why.
And what self-respecting human
being sleeps with a homeless person?
I mean, like, yeah, you told
me, and I just accepted it?
You have to go.
- What, now?
- Yes, now.
But, I can't check back
into the shelter after 2 p.m.
That is not my problem
right now, okay?
Cammy, look,
look, sit down, please.
Sit down. I am so, so,
so, so, so, so, so, so, sorry.
I mean, I am... I don't have
anywhere else to go.
Where am I supposed to go?
I'm so sorry. Please.
Fine. Fine.
You can stay tonight.
Thank you. Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't stop fanning.
Okay.
- Close race.
- Not even.
Thanks.
Sorry about all that.
Okay?
I don't mean whatever.
I mean, I'm sorry too.
It's just frustrating,
this whole couples thing.
I feel like it's pulling us
further apart,
than bringing us
close together.
Yes, that's what hit me too.
Can't we just spend the money
on dates each week instead?
We could.
- Fuck, it's so much money.
- Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
Dates were never really
our problem, though.
It's just...
I don't know. I don't know.
Is that all there is?
I just wish we could go back
to the way things were.
Simpler.
Was it?
You know what I mean.
You want to turn that off?
Yeah, let me just check
nothing is on fire first.
Nothing's ever on fire.
- This is work.
- Are you sure about that?
Why are you getting
so worked up?
It's just the constant
interruptions. Always.
It's when we're home,
when we're out,
you documenting
every single moment.
This is work. It's my job.
It's what I work for.
Yeah, well...
Wanna come back?
Thought we were
connecting here.
You owe me a massage.
Ooh.
Relax.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Why is it so hard
all the time?
Five years.
I guess.
Some people get married.
Or get out.
Shit or get off the pot.
Yeah.
Maybe it's time.
For what?
Can't believe it.
Almost 15 years.
I feel so numb.
Oh, it's so fucking cliche.
Oh, yeah, he is who he is.
She's young, hot,
of childbearing years,
not very smart.
You're sure it's not like
a text flirtation?
I don't fucking care.
It's the same thing.
Okay, come on.
I mean, it could be harmless.
God knows what comes through
Marklin's phone on a daily basis.
How that doesn't drive you insane is
just, it's beyond me.
It does, but it's different.
How is it different?
It's not different.
What, because you're two men?
I mean, what, there aren't
separate gay rules, are there?
There sort of are.
What I mean... Wait, do you
want something stronger?
- Yes, please.
- Okay.
What I mean is that, you know,
men... men are men.
And we separate things easier.
Do you really believe that?
I mean, you never get jealous.
Well, of course, I do,
but it's like...
You know, in context,
it's just not a huge deal.
Sex is sex,
intimacy is intimacy.
And I don't even believe that.
Who the fuck knows?
We're in couple's,
so I'm no expert.
- Since when?
- Ah, since, I don't know.
Since we just keep
missing each other.
You want the name of the guy?
Oh, I'm not going
to counseling.
Oh, come on. You can't
throw away 15 years.
If you guys
can't do it, then...
Everything became just very
clear when I found out about it.
When I found out about it,
I knew.
For a while now, I just...
I chose to ignore it.
I guess you made compromises.
One makes compromises.
One chooses to fool oneself.
I mean...
You tell your friends,
"I'm dating this dingo,
but you know, don't worry,
he's not too dingoey."
And then you come home one day
and he is eating the babies,
'cause he's a fucking dingo
and that's what dingoes do.
They eat the babies.
- And you don't even like kids.
- I don't, no.
Finally, Ravella is painting
something interesting.
Oh, no. That's...
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Don't turn it around.
It's nothing to see, it's...
That's yours.
Yeah, it's just an idea.
It's really good, Adam.
Not at all.
It's much better than that crap
you usually paint for Ravella.
Yeah, if only she would sign
one of my paintings.
You don't need her.
I love it.
I swear that truck
is following me.
Just a little further.
- Okay, turn.
- What is it?
- Oh.
- Sit.
I mean...
unless there's a pinata,
is the blindfold really necessary?
Yes, shh! Take it off.
Surprise!
What is this?
Nothing.
I just got some things
I want to talk with you about.
To the man I met
on this very bench
five years ago.
You have changed my life.
I'm very lucky.
- Let's eat. I'm starving.
- Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm just making smaller bites.
For the rats?
So?
- Hmm?
- You said you had some things you wanted to talk about.
Yes.
What do you think?
About what?
Living here.
I wanted to talk to you
about it first, but,
I already made an offer.
Were we gonna
discuss it?
Yeah, we're discussing it now.
They haven't accepted yet.
I just don't think I can really
swing buying an apartment
at the moment.
It's just, you know...
If you got rid of
that albatross of a house,
you'll have some money,
we'll get out of the basement.
I've been trying to
for the last two years.
I know. Two years.
I've been very patient.
- This is really patient?
- And generous.
I seem to remember I was
pretty patient and generous
when you were making
12 bucks an hour at CB2.
It's not about
the money, Adam.
I have plenty of money for both
of us if you'd just let me.
It's about us.
We don't have kids.
It's just us.
I can't believe we're still
having these arguments.
We're not in our 20s anymore.
It's like...
You know, when we first met,
I had the life
that you wanted.
And now,
it suddenly feels like
I don't measure up.
You do.
Do you know how many artists
would kill to paint for Ravella?
Hey, I'm so proud of you.
I just want more.
You should want more too.
This is when is it supposed
to get a little easier.
So much for surprises.
You okay?
Huh, I got it.
Ravella, I am curious to know
who your
primary influences are
for this series.
They are so bold,
yet have
a deceptively jejune quality.
Jejune.
Hmm.
Well, that's funny.
Uh, I pull from life.
From the myriad connections
we encounter every day,
living in this
bustling metropolis.
She better not say something.
It's fine. I don't care.
What is up with you tonight?
We're here. Sorry we're late.
- Our Uber driver was the fucking worst.
- Yeah.
I almost got molested
by him.
Okay, that
did not happen, Haley,
but they are
seriously the fucking worst.
They'll let anyone
drive those cars.
But anyways, we're here.
I need a cigarette.
- Haley.
- Yeah.
Come on, I need my medicine.
I might need another drink.
The inspiration for this painting
came on an Indian summer morning
in Sagaponack,
when the fog hit the lawn.
Just so...
How long does one of these
take to execute?
- Execute?
- Hmm.
Sounds like a killing.
Well, you do stand to
make a killing off of these.
Commerce doesn't interest me.
What interests me
is the creative process.
Well, then, why sell at all?
Each painting
is like a birth.
And that is why
it takes a very long time.
And they each need a home
in this world.
How long?
Why is she so angry?
This painting alone
took almost a year.
A year!
Shit.
Sometimes, the simplest
brush strokes
are the most complicated.
- There you are.
- Incredible.
Hmm.
Great show. So nice of you
to include us.
Of course. Where is Adam?
Uh, he is over there.
- He's eating dairy?
- Mm.
- The poor thing.
- Mm.
Well, congratulations.
We'll catch up later.
Yes, yes, yes.
Get him away from the cheese.
Hmm. Hmm.
Peggy, where were we?
Fog.
Well, let's sober you up.
I haven't had anything
to drink. I haven't!
This is... I'm angry.
This isn't your first
Ravella opening.
I painted some of that.
My simple brush strokes
and yours.
I mean, I don't...
Well, maybe you've just
become numb to it all?
I'm not numb.
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go.
No.
No, I just don't understand,
Adam, how you can come here
and just let her celebrate?
Okay, this is not about me,
is it?
No.
Damon is, like, begging me
to let him come back.
- And?
- I don't know, I mean...
We've been together so long,
he's all I know.
But I don't want to settle!
I want more.
And I want you
to want more too.
Oh, God, why does everybody
keep saying that to me?
Listen, it's okay.
It's okay. Listen, I get it,
but please don't go?
I want you here.
I need you here.
- All right.
- Okay?
- I'll stay.
- Yes!
Yes, but please,
please tell me
that's we're not gonna be
the last ones to leave.
Oh, absolutely not.
Oh, my God. Holy shit.
Isn't that that homeless guy
that Cammy went out with?
Oh, my God, it is.
I knew it.
She's still seeing him.
You guys, I still feel dizzy.
Well, you don't smoke, Haley.
Yeah, I know, I just
didn't want Cammy to feel bad.
- She was smoking alone.
- She wouldn't. No one cares.
Wow. You're so right, Adam.
Because, to the matter
at hand.
What am I looking at?
The man inhaling food.
- That's Cammy's homeless guy.
- That's him?
He has
such nice shoes. Oh, Cammy!
Oh, Cammy, what?
- Your friend is here.
- Oh, I might have mentioned tonight.
I thought you broke it off
after dinner.
I did, and then I didn't.
- Okay.
- Okay, what?
I'm sorry, not all of us are
in relationships or married.
Some of us are just trying to
get through the day.
And you know what? I didn't break
up with him because he was homeless,
or because he was the butt
of our collective joke.
I broke up with him because
he was neurologically confused
and said my pussy
tasted like pennies,
which I'm realizing right now,
isn't even a deal breaker.
And I slept with Scott James.
Okay, Haley, you don't
have to do that.
- Do what?
- You don't have to take care of Cammy like that.
Hey, can I grab you
for a quick shot with Ravella?
Oh, no, just Marklin.
Yeah, sure.
I mean...
Talk about irony.
It's like a parallel universe.
Can we go?
Please. I've been out the
door since I got here.
They were good.
So different
from your own work.
"Adam, why aren't you working
on your own stuff?"
I didn't say that.
Just making an observation.
- Since you brought it up.
- I am.
Good.
And you can have that
with your name on the wall.
Not so easy.
It's not as hard
as you make it out to be.
Not everyone can get
a profile in New Yorker.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I got a break.
Big deal.
I got a break
after working my ass off.
And I also worked my ass off
sans break.
You know what? Maybe tonight's
not the best night to play Mom.
I'm trying to play
supportive boyfriend.
Try harder.
Can we get
some more chips, please?
Should've brought Tupperware.
- Hilarious.
- Ha-ha!
Homeless joke.
That's very funny.
I mean, what is
home anyway?
That's an excellent question.
We live in a shared economy,
no one owns a car,
nobody's buying real estate.
- Aren't you buying a place?
- Marklin is.
Nothing definite.
Oh, so you guys will have
how many places?
Two. No, three... Two?
The plan is to have
just one together.
- Oh, is that the plan?
- Hmm.
The show was fun tonight.
Never been to
a gallery opening.
I mean, it was good,
considering, you know,
Adam painted
mostly everything in there.
Yeah, invisible.
- Oh, no! Who bought these?
- Whoo!
The table over there.
They're big fans.
- Big fans. Visible.
- Thanks!
- Who wants to do slap shots?
- I do.
- What is that?
- I read about it in Teen Vogue.
Or was it regular Vogue?
I can't remember,
but you do the shot
and you get slapped
- while you suck a lime.
- Oh, yeah!
Wow. You do the slap
instead of a lime.
Okay, none of this
sounds good.
No, come on.
That sounds like fun.
Come on, who's first?
Come on, everybody.
We're gonna play slap shots.
- Who's first?
- I'll go.
This is so waiting for Cammy.
Okay.
- Ow!
- I barely hit you.
- Asshole!
- Please. Can we just do the shots?
Fuck that! My turn. Adam. Go.
Oh!
- Goddamn!
- Oh, no!
It's my turn. My turn.
Marklin.
You can hit me.
Yeah, how about just
drinking without violence?
No, it's my turn.
Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- Adam?
- Adam?
- I'm fine.
I'm sorry.
Give him a minute.
- Yeah, just let him...
- But it looks like he's really hurt.
Why did I hit him so hard?
He's been like this all night.
Oh, my God. Of course!
This.
Excuse me?
Somebody in...
Hey, can someone turn that
fucking jingle off?
Aw, man!
It's an ice cream van.
Hello?
Okay.
It's this one.
Wait, how did you...
Sit.
Where are we going?
Trust me.
The fuck you doing
on my truck?
Oh, Jesus.
What happened to you?
- What?
- Your head, man.
- Cut up, bleeding.
- I think I'm fine.
I think you should
probably see a doctor.
Look, I said I'm fine,
all right?
I just want that
fucking jingle to stop.
- Jingle's not playing, man.
- It's always playing.
I know you.
The pool.
Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
- How are you feeling?
Mm-hmm.
Um, embarrassed?
Well, that was a pro move.
If by pro, you mean dick.
That incessant song, though.
I can see how it can
make people do things.
I blame noise pollution,
not Adam.
- Did I actually hit you?
- Not even close.
You hit, like... What's the PC
way of saying "like a girl"?
Girl.
I'm sorry.
Hey, who's the cute
ice cream truck guy?
Oh, my God!
He looks more like
a Roman statue
than an ice cream vendor.
Yeah, but, ice cream trucks
are, like, very creepy,
and also, very dirty.
I mean, what am I gonna get?
A cone with some E. coli on top?
Those trucks are actually
cleaner than most restaurants.
They have to pass a lot
of inspections to operate.
Okay, how do you
even know that?
Well, the young lady
would be correct.
Hey, I hope I didn't
mess up your truck.
We gotta stop meeting
like this.
How do you two
know each other?
Uh, we met at the gym.
Oh, my God. Gay guys should never be
like, "Met at the gym."
Oh, I'm not gay.
You're not? Me too.
I mean, neither am I.
All right, then.
Can you guys
give us a minute?
- Yup, that's something we could do.
- Yup.
Everybody out.
- Yeah.
- Cool. We'll be...
I don't know what to say.
What's going on with you?
A lot, I guess.
I just think the show
last night really got to me.
Of course, it did.
It's not just that.
It's everything. It's...
Are you having
something outside of us?
No!
Adam, no!
Okay.
Just no secrets.
No secrets.
Yeah, I always thought I'd be in
such a different place by now.
That I'd have a lot more
of my life figured out.
I'm not and I don't.
It's not such a cute
look when 40's in sight.
I think if we can get through
this rough patch,
we're gonna be just fine.
And strong, and invincible.
Yeah, me too.
What is it Sensitive Ken
always says?
That he accepts cash
and credit cards?
Stop.
- What?
- We need to communicate.
Oh.
It's so easy, right?
You didn't really sleep
with Scott James, did you?
Um, emotionally.
- Haley, he's a child!
- No, I didn't.
I just said it
because I felt left out.
The thing is, I think
I really love him.
Okay, maybe you do.
Like, the way a parent
loves a child.
It's all so confusing.
He needs me.
Like, he really needs me.
Like, beyond how anyone's
every needed me before.
No, Haley, he's dependent
on you, okay?
And you doing all these things for him,
is not going to help him in the future.
I mean, it's only going to
make him more dependent on you.
Sorry, it's just like Adam
and Marklin's relationship.
He didn't get into Brown.
Good. He never
would have made it.
I've never owned a dog.
I can't keep
a single succulent alive.
I don't want them
to find my body someday
under a pile
of New Yorker magazines
and cat hair
and take-out containers.
You don't even read
New Yorker magazine.
Cammy, I'm being serious.
Okay, yeah, I know it sucks,
but the only thing
you could do is just
wake up every day
and hope for the best.
Ugh, I'm going to throw up
in my mouth.
- This is way too many feelings...
- I love you, Cammy.
Okay.
Thanks.
Oh, speaking of throwing up.
Why is it so easy for her?
Easy?
She's getting divorced.
Mm. Yeah, there's that.
I guess, I should too.
What?
Divorce Scott James.
Oh, I guess you should.
- Yes.
- No, do.
Looked like you two
were really hitting it off.
I bet he knows so much
about the decline
of the food truck movement.
Mm, this is so delicious.
That is all he talked about.
Ice cream, ice cream.
I know so much about ice cream.
He does have big plans, though.
He wants to expand to Austin,
Detroit and it just...
It's just, what a snoozefest.
At least he doesn't live
in his vehicle.
And he's not a minor.
God, being single sucks, you guys.
I don't know how you do it.
It's not really a choice.
Yeah, it's not like when I was a
little girl, I had a dream of just
having dates with an endless
parade of cautionary tales.
Yeah, I'm jealous of what
you and Damon have. Had.
And what Adam
and Marklin have.
I don't think you all get it.
Despite all the problems,
you still have someone there for you.
Yeah, someone
you want to murder.
Oh, I would kill
to murder someone.
Oh, look, Adam's getting discharged.
That was quick.
- Here, give him this.
- Whoa.
Okay, he's not a hurricane
victim, but cool.
Yeah, it's just a
bump on the head.
Listen, this has been fun,
girls, but...
I've gotta go swallow
a bottle of Lexapro.
Ooh! I'll come join you.
I have some paperwork for you
to sign as his medical proxy.
Uh, I think
I already signed it.
We don't have instructions
for the DNR.
Okay. Um...
He doesn't want to be revived,
so I can sign this one?
Not to bother you,
but, I love The Detailist.
I got these last month.
We've made him very comfortable,
if it's any consolation.
Thank you.
You haven't told Adam yet.
No.
I was going to,
then I just didn't.
'Cause I thought
he was gonna get better.
This whole situation
would resolve itself
and now it's just so huge.
I mean, you guys did spend
all that time together.
You and Karl.
I can't tell Adam
about all this.
That you are your ex's
medical proxy
and you just signed his DNR?
Yeah, you don't.
I don't want to
do that anymore.
You really put yourself
in a tricky position, boo.
Adam thinks
I'm having an affair.
Lies, an affair.
Both are pretty shitty.
I think I love Karl
more than Adam.
It's always easy to love
someone who's unavailable.
Trust me.
Don't curate your past, okay?
Karl and I
just fit together, somehow.
More than Adam.
I should just be single.
Maybe.
- Really?
- I don't fucking know.
Why does everyone think I have
the magical answers to life
as they pertain
to relationships?
Why is that?
Goddamn, I fucking don't.
You're a mess.
I am. I am so messy.
I need a broom.
I am so messy.
- So am I.
- Oh, shit!
Adam.
You gonna go through
every single book?
Well, some of them
had notes in them.
See?
Honey.
This is called
emotional cutting.
It's closure.
Give me that.
"Adam, I can't imagine a day
without the sun, or without you."
- Come on.
- It's sweet.
If you like crap. Toss it.
Toss it. Come on, toss it!
- I will.
- I burned mine.
This feels good.
What about this?
Uh, Goodwill.
I got it for, like,
40 bucks on eBay.
Mm.
Or keep it, or keep it,
I don't know.
No, no, no.
We're moving on, okay?
Gotta let it go.
God, there's so much shit.
Marklin was right.
It's like a museum to another time.
You wanted to sell the house,
no one wanted to buy it,
now they did, and so, you're done.
It's ironic that now that I've
finally done it, it's too late.
Listen to me, it's not too late
because the house wasn't sold.
It's too late because he's
just as stuck as you are
and he's too stubborn
to admit it, okay?
Marklin is the only person Karl had
to fucking pull the fucking plug?
He's not pulling the plug.
You know what I mean.
Come on, Adam, get mad
for fuck's sake!
I am mad. I broke up with him.
Okay, if this is mad,
I'd like to see furious.
I am furious.
- Please!
- I am, okay?
- God!
- Do you need me to smack you? 'Cause I will.
- No.
- 'Cause I will.
My God, that felt so good.
Yes! Yes!
Let's break some more shit.
Let's break some more shit.
Get all that shit.
- They're so ugly.
- Yes, get the swan, get the owl.
- Okay, all right.
- Get that tiny horse.
I am starting to get
a little bit worried.
- Let's go. We're gonna get big.
- Huh?
Oh, God!
That felt really good.
Oh, my God. This one's going
to be a bigger crash, ready?
Oh, yes!
Keep going. I'm not done.
Oh, this is fun. Yes.
- No, you don't want to...
- Oh!
Oh!
Sorry, I want to keep this.
Oh, God, yes. Charlie Brown.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Oh, that felt good.
You got me.
Oh, God.
Last one.
It's like on Hoarders.
We all have to get rid of
parts of ourselves.
It's called growth.
I'm not a hoarder.
Well, you have the luxury of
space which gives the illusion
of not holding on to
a bunch of crap.
Where am I gonna go?
If I had known
we were going to split up,
I would have
held onto this place.
Are you kidding me right now?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
New Adam.
Not old Adam.
Come on.
Come on, you gotta promise me
that we're both...
We're both only going to
move forward.
I promise.
Yeah?
Good.
Forward.
- Hey, Dad. Sorry I'm late.
- Adam.
Okay. You look fabulous.
Thank you. You too.
Well, your stepmom, okay?
She's got me riding
the bicycle,
painting the house,
even doing
a little gardening, okay?
I got my green thumb.
Hopefully not a limp wrist.
This is my son, Adam, okay?
The famous artist.
- What can I get you?
- Ah! Top of the morning to you.
It's an Italian restaurant, Dad.
- Just a Diet Coke, please.
- A Diet Coke?
- Sir?
- I'm good.
- You need a moment?
- Yes, please. Thank you.
I got to hit the John.
Been drinking a lot of water.
All this running around.
Okay.
I swear, the bathrooms
in the city
are getting smaller.
Back when I did the plumbing
at Radio City, okay,
there were walls of toilets.
Walls. You never had to wait.
This is a restaurant,
not a concert hall.
Hmm.
Yeah.
How's the painting?
How's Marklin?
You know, they profiled him
in our local paper.
They mentioned you,
but they didn't say anything
about your art.
Dad...
Marklin and I...
Thank you.
I told you about my son,
the famous artist, right?
Yes, you did.
When he was a kid, okay?
He used to sneak into
the city to go to SoHo.
Wow.
Lot of freedom.
Just need a few more minutes.
Absolutely.
- You can't do that.
- What?
Be proud of my son?
- Make everyone feel...
- Feel what?
Dad, I know you're proud,
but you can't put people
on the spot.
I didn't put him on the spot.
- He was impressed.
- You put me on the spot.
I don't like to
talk about myself.
You know, I learned
from my AA,
you gotta own who you are.
You can't apologize.
I don't want to apologize.
Your AA?
Every morning, 7 o'clock.
- Every morning?
- Yeah.
It works if you work it.
Yeah, I know the slogans.
Al-Anon uses them too.
That's great, Dad.
Well, enough about me, okay?
When do I get to come
to a big gallery opening?
Uh, Ravella has a show now.
I don't care about her.
I'm talking about you.
- My son is going to be the next Picasso.
- Dad!
I'll let you know.
Don't settle, Adam.
Not like I did.
You deserve it all.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I texted you before I came.
Well, I was
in the neighborhood
and I brought some coffee
and those bagels you like.
Should we
photograph them first?
Ha-ha!
Thank you.
Come in.
- Sure?
- Yeah.
Do you need a hand?
No, I'm good.
You know you can
shower at home.
- Come on.
- I've got it.
Hold the bottom,
hold the bottom.
I've got it. Shit!
Damn it.
For the son of a plumber,
this is pretty busted.
Are you going to stop this
nonsense and come home?
Where's home?
Pulled the offer
on the apartment.
You were right.
Wasn't going to be ours,
it was going to be mine.
You didn't have to do that.
Yeah, I did.
When did this all
turn into shit?
Not all of it.
I want to show you something.
Is that Ravella's?
Wait, did you...
Yeah, I kept one.
This is yours?
Wow.
It's a start.
It's fantastic.
What are you doing?
You wanna do the honors?
It's not hers.
It's not mine.
Adam, no.
Yeah, I don't even know
why I kept it.
I could probably
never sell it.
Just made me
feel safe somehow.
Like the house upstate.
I wasn't gonna say that.
I was gonna say,
like the new apartment,
for me.
Like Karl.
What you did for Karl...
Taking care of people,
Marklin, that's...
That's the whole reason
that I fell in love with you.
And just walking
in on it, I...
I want you to take care of me
and I want to
take care of you.
But we pretend that
we don't need that.
What I said at the hospital...
I was really upset.
I know. Me too.
I'm not perfect.
Never gonna be.
With you, I get pretty close.
Same. With you.
And I broke up with someone
caring for a terminal patient.
That's not so perfect.
How is Karl?
Remarkably, he's rallying.
Good. I'm so glad.
So now what?
Mm.
Holy shit!
Wow! That feels good.
Your turn.
You know, I am gonna need
these canvases for me.
It's really good.
We'll see.
Well, thanks, Haley,
for everything.
Oh, you got in on your own.
I mean, it's not Brown.
No, but, you know,
Penn's not a bad safety school.
Well, it's not
a safety school at all.
Yeah, no. I know.
But the important thing is,
you did it on your own.
That's it, huh?
We better hurry.
It's a bit of a drive.
It's okay, right?
Oh, yeah, I was just kidding
about Penn being a safety school.
It's more than okay.
Well, I mean about Karina.
Oh, God, yes.
- Mm-hmm.
- Good.
Well, thanks, Haley.
For teaching a man
how to fish
and not just
filleting the fish.
Sure.
- Come here.
- Okay, yeah.
Nope.
What a piece of work.
He's never gonna be able
to fish on his own.
You got him into Penn.
Okay.
Use those mirrors.
Goddamnit.
Hi! I know the map says
take 9th Avenue,
but if you take
Westside Highway,
that would be amazing.
Any way you want.
I don't know
what's happening right now.
I circled your block
for days,
waiting for you to
finally log in for a ride.
- So...
- Wow.
- That is, um...
- Yeah?
That's a little creepy,
but very sweet.
You got a job.
Well, I've got to pay
my rent somehow, right?
- Rent? Wow!
- Yep.
- All right, now.
- It was all thanks to you.
And my neurological confusion.
- I'm gonna be late.
- Okay.
This is so weird.
Relax.
You know, I actually bought
this tie on your website.
Why are you such a dick?
- We're doing this, right?
- Yes.
Yes, we are.
Good.
Here goes.
You're next, huh?
Uh, we'll see.
Come on! You've been
together for years.
Nah, this is our first date.
- Oh.
- Okay.
It is, isn't it?
Fresh start.
Bingo.
Bingo.
I gotta go. So do you.
That's true.
Looking good, girl. Yes!
Thank you.
Clean slate.
Forward.
Why wait, right?
Right?