All Tied Up (1993) - full transcript

Linda's boyfriend Brian loves checking out other women, so her best friends Kim and Sharon convince her that the three of them kidnap him and torture him until he learns his lesson.

(blues music)

* I have the lean old blues

* Ever since my woman been gone

* I had the lean old blues

* Ever since my baby been gone

* I been standing
in my front door

* Hoping she'll come back home

* I have the lean old blues

* Ever since the woman been gone

* I had the lean old blues

* Ever since my baby been gone

* She must got another man

* Another man she calls her own

- God.

I look like a big beach whale.

- I believe it's beached whale.

That condo is never
going to depreciate.

I don't give a shit what's
going on in the rest

of the country,
Malibu is not America.

- He's back again.

Third day in a row.

All the guy does is look.

He never comes in.

This one can't make up his mind.

Can I help you?

- I think I'm beyond help.

I'm looking for

an engagement ring.

- Congratulations.

What do you have in mind?

- Well, I want something
that looks impressive

but doesn't really
cost that much.

I mean I want it to
be nice but, you know.

- I think we can find
something in that price range.

- This is kind of a nice one.

How come someone like you
doesn't have one of those

around your finger by now?

- Maybe I haven't found
the right guy yet.

- Maybe you have but
you just don't know it.

Here, this is a
really beautiful one.

May I?

Yeah, that's gonna
look very good on you.

- Well, imagine how good it
will look on your fiancee.

- Get a haircut.

I hope all this laughter
is work related.



Which one?

- What do you mean which one?


- Linda who?

- My Linda.

- What you do, draw straws?

- Tara, come on, I'm
a reformed man here.

- Okay, reformed, mm hmm, this
is your little black book,

A through L.



(clears throat)

- Abby, hi, it's Brian.

Good, good, how you been?


Listen, I'm calling because
well you see I just got engaged

and you know what happens
usually then, you just,

you know you move in
together and you end up

getting married so I don't
really think we should

see each other.

Yeah well I mean at least
not for a little while.

(dance music)

- So how am I supposed to meet
women with you all tied up

in this marriage deal?

- Max, I'm just getting
married, I'm not dying.

Besides, you don't need me.

- Come on, Brian.

I'm like one of those little
fish that hang around sharks

and eat their leftovers.

- Remora, they're called remora.

Sucker fish.

And I'd say that's a very
accurate assessment, Max.

- You've got your own style,
Max, you don't need him.

- Think so?

- Max, in my experience,
women like sensitive,

vulnerable men.

See table five?

What is she thinking, Max?

Go on.

Since I discovered my feminine
side I haven't looked back.

- Toni, if what I was gonna
do was a major mistake,

would you tell me?

- If you were to marry
any of the others,

apart from that really tall
one, it would be a mistake,

but Linda's a gem.

I feel really good about it.

- So?

- She's not into me.

- What'd she say?

- Brian Hartley.

- What?

- She wanted to
know who you were.

- Double vodka on the rocks.

- [Toni] Coming up.

- Him?


I was married once.

To a drummer for two weeks.

Then the drugs ran out.

- She wants to meet you.

- Me?

- Mm hmm.

You're an oceanographer.


- Hi.

- How the hell did you get here?

- The oceanographer.

He's got a nice car.

He's a sweet kid, really.

Thinks the world of your ass.

So do I.

- Listen, you're
gonna have to leave.

You can't stay here.

I mean it.


I'm sorry but I can't do this.

And it has nothing to do with
you, I mean, I find you to be

a very attractive, desirable
woman, that's not it.

It's just right now
I just feel that I.


(light music)

- For example, it turns out
that the dependent appeasing

qualities we identify as
female will be exhibited

by almost anyone, female or
male, in a perilous position.

- I can never get all
the hair off my knees.

Is that a look of
patronizing disgust?

That's good.

- Hi guys.

Bye guys.

- Oh, hi.

- Hi.

- Slow down.

Tell us about your
trip, how's your mom?

- Losing her mind.

She wants to marry some
retired sheriff from Arizona.

I'll tell you all
about everything later.

- Wonder where you're
going in such a mad rush.

- Don't start.

Things are different, okay?

Brian's been great for
the last couple of months.

He's changed, he's
really changed.

- So what's this about?

- Oh, that's from that sheriff.

I thought Brian would
think it was funny.

Adios, amigas.

- Adios.

- Brian.

- Oh hi honey.

I thought you weren't
getting in til tonight.

- Couldn't wait, got
an earlier flight.

I wanted to surprise you.

- Excuse me.

Do you have any aspirin?

- Oh shit.

- [Linda] Who's that?

- Um, Bliss, this is Linda,
Linda, this is Bliss.

- How do you do?

- Bliss.


What is it, is it me?

You just can't stop, can you?

- Linda, I can explain.

- No, there is no way you
could possibly explain

your way out of this one.

- Could you argue outside?


- Not only did he
have her in our bed,

she was wearing our sheets.

I can't believe he did it, I
can't believe he did it again.

- I hate to say it
honey but I told you so.

- You say this every
time this happens.


- That's because it
keeps on happening,

it's called a pattern.

- I don't think she needs
to hear that right now, Kim.

- You're right.

Okay, let's think of
the best thing to do.

I say we just cut his nuts off.

- Vindictive.

- Does he just forget how great
it is when we're together?

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Brian] Hi, is Linda there?

- Oh hi.

Yeah, we were just talking
about you actually.

- Give me that.

She doesn't want to talk
to you, now or ever again.

I'm turning this off.

(bluesy music)

* You know the
devil made me do it


- Linda.


Linda, are you there?

- Go away, she's not here.

- And she doesn't
want to see you.

- Listen, I know you're mad
but it's not what you think.

Please let me explain,
just give me 30 seconds

face to face.

I need to talk to you.

- You've seen too much of
her already, just vacate.

- Look, I know it's hard
to believe but I didn't

do anything with that girl.

I don't even know her name.

- What else is new?

- Listen Linda.

Hon, just open the door.

Just look into my eyes and
if you think I'm lying,

tell me to go and I'll go.


I love you.

I do.

(romantic music)

(horn honking)

- Come on Brian, let's go!

- She needs a lift to work.

I know it doesn't really
look good but I just...

* I'm going way out west

* I'm gonna stop off
in old New Mexico

* I'm going way out west

* I'm gonna stop up
in old New Mexico

- You look like crap.

What are you out
celebrating that engagement?

- Hardly.

- Listen, the whole office
staff we wanna apologize

for laughing at you yesterday.

I mean we are really happy
that you're getting engaged.

You got the blues.

- I know.

- How could you possibly
know, I just decided

to give it to you.

- You mean the blues article?

The cover?

Are you serious?

Oh my god, Tara,
thank you so much.

I can't thank you...

- Look, we'll just consider
this an engagement present.

- Try to.

- Kim, doesn't
Linda look fabulous?

- Breathtaking.

- I look like shit.

I feel like shit.

I'm not going.

- No no no, come on,
come on, there'll be tons

of cute guys there.

- Who cares?

- Oh, you do, it's the
best way to forget about

what's his name, come on.

- God.

Maybe I should just
let him explain.

- I don't believe you.

How many times is this gonna
happen before you wake up?

What do you wanna do, stay
at home while he's out

doing god knows what
with god knows who?

- No, here's your
purse, come on.

Come on.

- Brian.

What are you doing here?

Thought you'd be with Linda.

- She got an earlier flight.

- How early?

- Early enough to join
Bliss and me for coffee.

- I hope she didn't.

- She did.

- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

I thought I was
doing you a favor.

- It's okay Max, it's okay.

It's not your fault, these
things happen, I guess.

- What was the
name of that book?

When bad things happen to slime?

- JJ.

- Hey, it's not totally
over with you guys, is it?

- Forget it man, I don't
wanna talk about that.

Got some good news though.

I got my first
cover story today.

Subject, the blues.

Classic blues.

This story is gonna make me.

I should be celebrating.

- It really is over.

- Toni, turn it up,
LA's bringing in that
rookie quarterback

and the guy is awesome.

- Have you talked to her?

Have you really talked to her?

- She won't speak to me.

And you know I didn't even
sleep with this woman.

Which is ironic because
every time I was guilty

Linda always forgave me, now
that I'm innocent she won't.

- What you've got to do is this.

You're to bring her
some roses, pink roses.

Champagne, teddy bear.

What does her lease say
about pets 'cause puppies

always work.

- No pets.

- Get her a bigger bear.

(mellow tropical music)


- You look like
a walking cliche.

Where's the puppy?

- I locked him in
the trunk of my car.

- That wouldn't surprise me.

- Could I talk to Linda please?

- She's not here.

- Like she wasn't
here this morning?

- She happens to be
at an exclusive party

with wonderful, nurturing men
and she's never looked better.

- That's terrific, could
I just talk to her please?

- Get lost.



I am tempted.

You think you can come into
our house whenever you want?

- Cut the crap, Kim.

I know she's here, where is she?

- [Kim] You're breaking the law.

- Put the knife down.


Come on out, honey.

- You've got five seconds
to get your ass out of here

or I'm calling the cops.

- Give me a chance to explain.

- [Kim] One.

- Please?

- Two.

- Where the hell is she?

- Three.


- Go ahead Kim, call.

I'll find her and
you can't stop me.

Nothing can stop me.

Not the cops, not that
knife, and certainly not you

and your petty, pathetic,
puritanical little self!


- Five.

Hiya tiger.


You can't walk through windows.

You're not going anywhere.

Kim knows knots.

Scouts honor.

- What the hell do you
think you're doing?

- Black belt too, in
case you had any ideas.

By the way, Linda brought
this for you from Arizona.

She thought you'd
think it was funny.

- Listen Kim, you'd better
untie me, I am serious.

- Hasn't she done a
great job with this room?

The Sunday Times
did a layout on it.

Her career is really taking off.

It's just her personal life
that needs an adjustment.

- Kim, I am warning you.

I am gonna ask you one final
time as nicely and politely

as I possibly can.

Untie these fucking
ropes now you stupid cow!

- Now I'm confused.

I thought that you wanted to
see Linda when she got home.

If she came home.

But then again she
might get lucky tonight

and then I'd have
you all to myself.

We wouldn't want anybody
knowing you're here now,

would we?

- God!

(mysterious music)

- Nice car.

Surprising power.

Do they float?

- That's not funny, Kim.

None of this is funny.

- I'm laughing.


- What's so funny?

- [Kim] Nothing, bad joke.

How was the opening?

- Okay I guess.

- Oh get outta here, she
had half the guys there

wrapped around
her little finger.

- I guess I did meet
a few nice guys.

- See?

And there's more
where they came from.

- Linda!

- What is that?

- The bad joke.

- [Brian] Linda!

- That's Brian.

- Oh thank god you're here.

- What's going on?

Who did this?

- He did it to himself.

- Bullshit.

That bitch did it.

- Why is it that men always
stoop to the infantile level

of name calling?

- This is so cool.

- It's cruel.

- It's necessary.

- Whenever the three of you
decide exactly what it is,

I would like to be untied.

Thank you.

- Oh.

This time he's not
getting off so easy.

- Get your hands off me.

- The anger is good.

It's just directed
at the wrong person.

It's time we talk.

- Are you turned on?

- Sharon, you're still
an actress, aren't you?

- Yeah.

I've done a bunch of
plays and some commercials

and a cable show.

- That's great.

Listen, I know some of the
biggest names in show business.

If you untie me now, I'll
make sure you get to see them.

- Really?

So you've known me for over
a year and you could have

helped me with a phone call?

You dick!

- Sharon, wait!

- I don't care if he deserves
it, it's illegal and immoral

and I'm not doing
it, I'm untying him.

- Fine, untie him.

Then forgive him.

And be sure not to express
your real feelings.

Just keep giving him the
message that it's okay

to treat you like dirt.

(thoughtful music)

- Here's what you do.

Untie one hand so I can reach
the phone, call the agent,

you can be in his office
first thing tomorrow morning.

- Not really a morning person.

- Afternoon then,
anytime you want.

- Well.

Maybe just one.

- Sharon, what do you
think you're doing?

- Making a career move.

- [Kim] Don't.

- I got a great idea.

Why don't we end
this ridiculous game?

You can untie me and I can
take the four of us out

to a fabulous dinner,
my treat, okay?

Forgive and forget.

- That sounds familiar.

I forgive, you forget.

- What the hell is
that supposed to mean?

- It means that every time
you get a fucking itch

it's okay for your
to scratch it,

and Linda's supposed to
act like a good sport

and pretend it doesn't hurt.

- Who I scratch is none
of your goddamn business.

- Oh, but it most certainly is.

Think back.

Four years ago.

West Beach Cafe.

The new (mumbles)
had just arrived.

- Oh my god.

- Three bottles later,
the lifeguard station,

station 27 to be exact.

And you never called.

It was a long time
before I met you.

- Well.

I feel so left out.

- I'm sorry Linda, I
shouldn't have brought it up.

We were both blitzed, I
barely even remember it.

- Lifeguard station
27 to be exact?

- To tell you the truth,
he couldn't even get it up.

- Well look what he
had to work with.

- Touche.


- On a more serious note.

- Yes.

- What are we gonna do
with all those vegetables?

(sneaky music)

- Sharon, what's?

- Did you ever see
that movie 9 1/2 Weeks?

- Please untie me, I beg you.

I think Kim's gonna kill me.

- I know she'll kill
me if I untie you.

- Please?

- Okay, but you have to
do something for me first.

If you can guess 10
vegetables in a row,

I'll untie you.

Open wide.

- God help me.


- What kind?

- What kind?


- No.

Summer squash.

- Oh god.

- Isn't this fun?

- [Brian] Fun?

- This reminds me of
my secret fantasy.

In my fantasy I just
feed a man who eats

and doesn't talk.

He listens to me and
he doesn't judge me.

He takes me seriously and
he wears those hip high

rubber wading boots,
you know, the kind

that trout fishermen wear?

- I think I finally found
a sucker for that duplex

out in Trancas.

- We're not gonna just leave
him here today, are we?

- Who?

Oh, him.


Give him a little time
to think things out.

- I guess.

- Well, are we or aren't we?

Gonna let him go?

- Not just yet.

- Good.

This is kinda like
breaking the law, isn't it?

The lease says no pets, right?


- You must be hungry.

- No, I just want out of here.

Please untie me.

- I can't.

- Why not?

Commandant Kim
won't authorize it?

What happened to the
independent, freethinking woman

that I know and love?

- She's wising up.

- I got you an engagement ring.

- Really?

Where is it?

- It's on my nightstand.

Listen, take my keys and
drive over to my house

if you don't believe me.

You know, this isn't
exactly the way I'd intended

on asking you to marry me.

But it doesn't have
to be this way.

Untie me now.

And I'll get down on
one knee and everything.

I'll do it right.

Right after I get
back from the office.

The most important meeting
of my life is happening

in half an hour.

Did I tell you I got
my first cover story?

On the thing that I love the
most, I mean besides you.

On the blues.

Classic blues.

Slim Jim Bone is
actually gonna be there.


Wait, I can do it before work!

I can be a little late!

Wait, you just can't
leave me here like this!

What am I gonna do all day?

Channel 26.

There's a Cub game
on in a little while.

- Yeah, I hear it's supposed
to be a really great game.

Have a nice day.


- Nice, very nice.

Might I suggest one last touch.

(volume increasing)

- [Announcer] Oh, you're
gonna have a perfect set then.

- [Caller] Yeah.

- [Announcer] Yeah you'll
have that perfect match

well this is great.

- [Caller] Looks beautiful.

- [Announcer] It is beautiful
Millie and those are

white topaz and they look
like diamonds, don't they?

- [Caller] They certainly do.

- [Announcer] Let me send
you to, thank you, bye bye!

Now everybody, everybody,
I want you to make sure

to call in on this bargain,
now we're gonna keep it

on the screen just
a few more minutes.

- Brian, would you say that
you're in terrible pain

or that it's more like,
you know, torture?

- I don't know.

I mean I'm miserable
but my ears aren't like

bleeding or anything yet.

I would say torture.

No, more like mental anguish.

- Mental anguish.


Thanks Brian.

- [Announcer] That's
an incredible bargain,

but we're gonna have to
go to the music box soon

so you call in while you
still have that chance.

Oh, thank you Millie
for calling in,

we really appreciate...

(funky music)

- Bye bye.

- Adios.

- [Caller] I've got two
sets of these for my sisters

when they first
came out on the air.

- [Announcer] Oh you did?

- [Caller] Yes, and I gave
them for I think it was

a Valentine's present.

And they wear them all,

and that's about a
year and a half ago.

- [Announcer] Oh my goodness...

- In exactly one hour
Mr. Bone is on that plane

back to New York.

This is incredibly
inconsiderate to my client

and to our label.

- I'm terribly sorry Mr.
Bone, this is not like

Brian at all.

- We were under the impression
that this organization

understood just how
valuable Mr. Bone's time is.

- Sorry.

- [Caller] And they're so
beautiful, the luster on them

are gorgeous and when I
gave them to 'em it was like

I gave them a million dollars
when they opened up the box.

- [Announcer] Is that right?

- [Caller] Yes, they are
gorgeous, they really are,

and if the prices compared
to (mumbles) you cannot...

- [Assistant] Yes ma'am.

- Try that little shit again.

- [Announcer] Slept on
one last deal for $175,

a diamond ring with
a boheme emerald.

This is the buy of the week.

- 175 bucks?

I paid two grand for
the same fucking ring.

- [Voicemail] Hi,
this is Brian Hartley.

Leave me a message,

I'll get back to you
as soon as possible.


- Where the hell are you?

Do you want this article or not?

Too damn nice.

- [Announcer] Tell you we will
not have these back again,

a beautiful zirconium
necklace and earrings.

This is the last call,
we only have a few left.

- Oh, you like this too?

- I have to seriously pee.

- Oh, they're selling
the alpha gym.

I wish I could
afford one of those.

- We can.

You don't mind, do you hon?

- Buy two, just let
me go to the bathroom.

- Really?

- Oh!

- Conga line!

Come on!

- Could you close the door?

I can't pee if there's
anybody watching.

- It's true.


- That was really sweet of Brian
to buy us those alpha gyms.

- You actually
bought two of them?

- Well he told me to.

- Well he would have said
anything to get to go

to the bathroom.

- Oops.

Boy, he really had to go.

- Brian, are you okay in there?


He had to go alright.

He's gone.

- What?

Where is he?

Stop right where you are!

Where do you think you're going?

- Can't you just ever stay home?

We trusted you.

- Trust isn't in his vocabulary.

Let's get him back to the house.

- God, maybe we should
just leave him here.

Let the vultures eat his flesh.

- Exactly.

- Here's a thought.

How 'bout you untie
me and I walk.

- Here's a thought.


- I'll be right back.

(groovy music)

- I still have to pee.

- You can have your pants back,

as soon as they're dry.

- You know there's nothing
better when you're hungry

than a nice barbecue.

Little red meat, little
chicken, little corn on the cob.

- Pity there's not
enough for you too,

but gotta stay a
perfect size six.

- Hi.

- Hi Max.

Seen Brian?

How'd he make out?

- Just about to ask
you the same thing.

- I'm sure he's in Linda's bed
having the time of his life.

- Linda!

- God, hell of a game, huh?

- You guys, I was thinking.

- You shouldn't.

- What Sharon?

- Maybe we should let him go.

- Negative.

- Well then maybe we should
do something about his diet.

I mean, nothing but squash?

- Sharon's right.

Tomorrow turnips.


Oh come on, that's funny.


I decided to let
you watch the game.

- Well it's over by now.

- I taped it for you.

- Really?

- Where the hell are you, man?

You alive?

Are you dead?

You still talking to me?

(speaking foreign language)

Still nothing.

I'm really starting
to get worried.

- He should marry you instead.

- He's disappeared
before, he's moody.

- But it's been two days.

- Check the milk cartons.

- Toni, would you
mind if I kill her?

- Brian'll be fine, he
can look after himself.


Check missing persons.

Just do it.

(football announcers)

- I've never seen
anything like it.

- It's amazing, isn't it?

- It reminds me of
those dog commercials

where they've starved
the dogs for a week.

- It's just incredible.

He's been tied up,
humiliated, starved,

and made to wear a skirt
and I've never seen him

look happier.

- Incredible game, huh?

- Mm hmm.

- What's the score?

- Yeah.

- We've decided to castrate you.

- Good.

- You really love
football, don't you?

- What?

- Then you're gonna love
the way this one ends.

- Hey, I can't see with you
standing in front of the screen.

- You would think Los Angeles
up by three with 10 seconds

to go had it won.

- Don't.

- It was just incredible.

All they had to do
was run the clock out,

the way Kansas City did
in the season opener.

- Please.

- But the idiots fumbled the
ball and New York ran it back

76 yards for a touchdown.

It was the darndest
thing I ever saw.

Would you care to watch
the rest of the game

or should I just shut it off?

You're right.

You've had enough
excitement for one night.

(sneaky music)

- Brian.

Are you asleep?

- No, I was just relaxing.

- I need you.

- You what?

(heavy breathing)

- Those must be, those
must be 10 inches apiece.

- [Brian] They do have
their uses, I'll admit.

- I never knew having an
alien could be so fantastic.

- God, you're incredible.

How do you say this stuff
and make it sound believable?

- Practice.

I'm hoping this will
be a break for me.

- What's the title of the movie?

- Bride of the
Giant Licking Thing.

It's a sequel.

- Well hey, it's work.

- Thanks Brian.

- Giant Licking Thing.

- Okay.

Before we go to work I'd
like to know what we're going

to do with him from here on out.

I mean, exactly
what is the plan?

- I don't have a plan.

- You don't?

- No.

This is just all improv.

- We have a hostage
tied up against his will

who we've subjected
to numerous tortures

and who if freed could
probably put us in jail

until menopause
and we don't know

what we're gonna do with him?

We don't have a fucking plan?



(upbeat funky music)

- Hatha yoga?

- It's my beard, it's
itching like crazy.

- Sharon.

- Linda.

Will you stay here
with me today?

- I would love to hon, but
I have the most important

meeting of my life today.

You understand.

- Honey.


You're not just gonna leave
me here alone all day?

- You won't be.

- Brian, I hope whatever
it is that you're doing

it's worth it.

What do you know
about the blues?

- Our father who art in
heaven, if you could find it

in your heart to get me the
fuck outta here right now,

I will be so good.

Hell father, you won't
even recognize me, I swear.

Thanks a lot.

(mysterious music)

- I know you think
I'm kind of a bitch.

And sometimes I probably can be.

But I have my good side too.

You still need that
itch scratched?

- Does my answer even matter?

- No.

This should help.

It's only been three years,
it's probably still good.

- Wait, that thing's rusty!

- Picky picky.

This is for Mike Steverman
who told everybody

he got to third base
with me when he barely

even touched my knee.

- Ow!

- And this is for Peter
Tufo, who stood me up

at the junior prom.

And this is for
lifeguard station 27.


- Help, somebody please!

- Don't even think about it.

- Detective Steinham.

Sorry to bother you, ma'am.

- Steinham.

You're not related to
Gloria Steinham, are you?

- No, but I subscribe
to her magazine.

- Really?

- Well to be honest with you
it's a little known fact.

Wouldn't sit well with the
boys down at the station.

But maybe that's just
my own insecurities.

I'm investigating
the disappearance
of a Brian Hartley.

- Brian disappeared?

- Looks like you've
been shaving Sasquatch.

- No, no, it's my dog.

He's going into the
hospital for an operation

and I'm the only one
he lets shave him.

- Where is the little cuss?

- He's on the beach.

He went out for a run.

You know, one last run.

- Of course.

Would you mind if I
look around a bit?

- No, no, could I get
you a cup of coffee?

- No thanks, but how
'bout a nice herb tea?

Seems Mr. Hartley disappeared
almost three days ago.

- You don't say.

Well, I know Brian.

He goes out with
one of my roommates.

Used to.

You never knew with those two.

- [Steinham] So
they fight a lot?

- Don't all couples?

- I don't know.

It's been five years
since my wife left me.

- I'm sorry.

- Heck, I don't blame her.

I never gave her the
respect she deserved.


- Kim.

Call me Kim.

- It's just procedure,
Kim, but do you mind if I

take a look around the house?

- Go right ahead.

Well I guess you've
seen everything.

- Just about, just about.

We haven't looked
in this room here.

- No!

You can't.

- Why not?

- It's tea time.

And besides detective,
that's where the body is.


- You almost had me
there for a second.

And call me Frank.

- Okay, Frank.

(muffled screaming)

- I really hope your dog's okay.

You never did say his name.

- It's a she, her name's Tosca.

- That's pretty.

I got a couple at home.


I don't know what
I'd do without them.

Dogs are great, aren't they?

- Yeah.

- For Tosca, when she gets
out of the doggie hospital.

Get in touch with me if you
hear anything about Brian.

- Thanks.

I will.

(siren wailing)


- Hi Kim.

When did you start
watching this crap?

- Nothing wrong
with these shows.

- Officer Steinham?

Who's that?

- A guy I met.

- Where'd you meet him?

- Here.

- When?

- Today.

- A cop was here today?

- What'd he look like?

- He's dreamy.

Warm, sensitive, nurturing.

I'm thinking of getting a dog.

- Did he find Brian?

- No.

- Was he wearing those
big high black boots?

- You know that shaved
armpit really got to me.

Maybe we've gone too far.

I have a feeling if
we let him go now

I can get him to promise
not to press charges.

- His promises
aren't worth shit.

- Kim.

He's had enough.

I think he's learned his lesson.

- You're still ready to
let him off the hook.

Pretty soon you'll be his
little love slave again.

- Bullshit!

I just want him out of my
life and as long as he's here

he's still in it!

- Fine, let him go.

In a couple of days, maybe a
week, he'll come crawling back

like he always does.

Dinner at the Ivy, then maybe
a weekend trip to the wine

country to get to
know each other again.

Pretty soon you've forgiven
him for every shitty,

unforgivable violation and
then, presto, the happy couple.

Until, well you know the rest.

(gentle music)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- See what that butcher
friend of yours did to me?

- Doesn't look that bad.

- Yeah.

Well if nothing else
it'll probably take

a couple of seconds off my time

in the 100 meter butterfly.

We have fun together
sometimes, don't we?

- We really do.

It's a pity.

- It doesn't have to be.

I wasn't kidding
before about the ring.

- Don't talk like that
unless you mean it.

- I do.

Untie me right now, and our
new life together begins,

starting tonight with a
romantic dinner somewhere.

And when was the last
time we went to the Ivy?

Wouldn't that be great?

And then we can just
pile into the car,

and drive up north
somewhere for the weekend,

just you and me?

- Where exactly?

- I dunno.

I was thinking like
Carmel or Big Sur.

Napa maybe, do a
little wine tasting.

I mean I just figure after
everything that we've

been through, we really
kinda owe it to ourselves

to get to know each other again.

- Get to know each other again.

- Yeah.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

- I'll tell you
what it sounds like.

Sounds like the same old
recycled crap I've been

buying for years.

How many times have
you told me you love me

and then were unfaithful?

You know, your friends
think you're some kind of

slick Casanova, but
all you really are

is just a cheap whore
with no moral center,

nothing inside,
you're just pathetic!

You have hurt me so many
times and I will not

allow it to happen again!

What you have done to me is
not okay, do you hear me?

I am so fucking angry
at you I could kill you!

- Linda honey, listen.

I just, honey,
what are you doing?

Hey, look.

- God, I wish I didn't
have to do this.

- Linda no!

- Yes!


- [Sharon] Way to go Linda!

- Alright Linda, set him
free, congratulations!

(blues music)

- Yeehaw!


- [Server] What'll it be, buddy?

- Anything, plenty of it.

What you guys looking at?

- [Voicemail] Hi, this is Brian
Hartley, I'm not available

to, wait a second, yes I am.

I am available.

The rumors of my engagement
have been greatly exaggerated,

I am a free man.

Free at last, disentangled,
untied, untethered,

unencumbered, unfettered,
unbridled, and outta here.


- He's alive.

- [Brian] Barely.

- Where you been?

- Don't ask.

- You look like shit.

- You got flat feet.

- You're unemployed.

- Do you mean that?

- I gave the blues
article to Joey.

- What?

- Look you get an article on
my desk by Friday, we'll see.

- Okay.

That's fair.

- Cute.

Too cute.

- Well what do you know?

See, I told you you didn't
have to worry about the boy.

- Where the hell you been?

- Don't ask.

- Well we're asking.

- Okay, if you insist.

I was tied up in bed and
held hostage by three women.

- [Max] Seriously?

- God's honest truth.

- Three women, just you,
and you didn't call me?

- Maxy, trust me, my hands were,



- Shaved you, huh?

- Yeah, how'd you know?

- Think I never
kidnapped a man before?

- So I guess one of
the three kidnappers

didn't happen to
be Linda, did it?

- Uh huh.

- Guess that means
the engagement's off?

- Didn't even get a
chance to propose.

- Cheer up.

Look at all the women here.

- Hey Maxy.

See the redhead over there
nursing the bloody mary?

- She looks awfully
lonely, doesn't she?

- [Max] Real lonely.

- I bet you she and I are out
of here in 30 minutes flat.

- Got a bet.

- Deal.

- You know, if losing
money makes you that happy,

think how good you'd feel
if you started tipping.

- He's back.

- Kim.

If you like that
policeman so much,

why don't you just call him?

His card's right there.

- I've never known
you to be so shy.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh, hi.

No, Linda doesn't
want to talk to you.

- I don't want your money.

- But you won.

- No Max, I lost.

- [Max] You got her out
of here under 30 minutes.

- Listen to you.

Look at us, this is sick.

- Of course it is.

I want details, what happened?

- Nothing happened.

- What the hell's going on here?

He won't take my money
and he's telling me

nothing happened.

- Could be the leopard's
changing his spots.

- Could be.

Nothing at all?

- It was the most amazing thing.

We went back to her place.

She invited me in.

Put on some soft music,
cracked open a bottle of Moet.

- And?

- And I left.

Never happened to me before.

- You alright?

- Do I seem like someone
who has no moral center?

- Still crazy about
her, aren't you?

- I can't stop
thinking about her.

- But she busted your chops.

- Yeah.

Yeah, you bet she did.

- You lost me.

(speaking Spanish)

- Have you tried talking to her?

- Nonstop.

I mean I can't even
get next to the girl,

her roommates are
like guard dogs.

- But you're a writer.

Be creative.

- Easier said than done.

- Whatever it takes, do it.

(keyboard clicking)

(soft music)

(moves to upbeat music)

- Yes, Detective
Steinham, please.

Yes, it is an emergency.

Thank you.

Maxy, hi, oh, sorry to wake you.

Listen, I'm sorry to bother
you but I really need you

to do something for me.


You know the bait and
tackle shop on PCH?

- You don't say much, do you?

That's okay.

I like a man who's
a good listener.

My grandpa Walt never said much.

And I used to dress up
and put on shows for him.

And he would watch and clap
and then he would take me

fishing and he had
boots just like yours.

I love those boots!

They remind me of him
and summers in Montana,

that's where I'm from, Montana.

Did you ever see that
movie 9 1/2 Weeks?


- Detective Steinham.

- Sorry to bother you, ma'am.

- Kim, remember?

- Kim.

See I got a phone call,
probably some wacko,

something about somebody
tied up here in that room

I never searched.

- How odd.

Well, come right in and search
to your heart's content.

You know where the room is.

(romantic music)

I'll go get you a cup of tea.


- Come in.

- Ma'am.

Nobody tied up in here.

- Not today.

- This must be Tosca's.


- I'm so embarrassed.

Let me get you something
to clean that up.

- Looks like she's just
fine after the operation.


No wait, wait wait wait.

I thought Tosca was
a dark haired dog.

- Traumatic operation.

Must have aged her.

- You're gonna have to
explain that one to me.

Over breakfast.


- Who is it?

- Delivery.

Alpha gym.

10 minutes, that's all
I ask, just 10 minutes.

- Out.

- Linda, you have
to listen to me.

- I don't have to do anything.

- Look, I'm trying
to talk to you.


Come on.

Hey, come here.

- Get your hands off me.

Just leave.

- Five minutes.

- Not one minute, there
is nothing in this world

that could make me listen
to a thing you have to say.

(blues music)

- People fuck up.

Guess it's just human nature.

And I guess I'm more
human than most.

You know, people can change.

Oh look, there's the
crab house where we had

our second date.

You're right, third date.

- Brian, get me out of this bag!

Don't touch me!

Oh god.

This is really pissing me off.

Just put me down!

I told you not to touch me!

How dare you?

What the hell gives you the
right to break into my home

and stuff me into a duffle bag
like a load of dirty laundry

and then brutally force
me back to your swinging

bachelor pad?

- Love.

- Oh, please!

You don't even know the
meaning of the word.

Now if you think that you
have gotten this caveman

behavior out of your
system, I would like

to be taken home immediately.

I said take me home!

Caveman is way too good for you.

Barney Rubble was 100
times more evolved.

Brian, this is
kidnapping, it's a felony.

- Well, you should know.

- Okay, you've got
me, I'm your captive.

Now what?

- I don't know exactly.

- Well when you figure it
out, you know where I'll be.

- Got it.

Do you know what this is?

This is my address book.

It means nothing to me, it
means less than nothing.

Do you know what this is?

This is a blazing inferno.

I am destroying my notebook.



Still not talking, huh?

Maybe if you were a
little more comfortable.

Here you go.


Remember these?

You and me on the big island.

Do we look like
tourists or what?

Oh now here's one that I know
you're not gonna remember

'cause you happened to
be asleep at the time.

Wow, look at these tan lines.

Come to think of it looks
more like burn lines.

Don't you think?

- Brian!

- She speaks!

- Who else saw that picture?

- No one, no one else,
I promise, I swear.

Now these two are my favorite.

Companion pieces.

(clears throat)

Remember that day when we
hiked for hours up to that

little grotto with
the waterfall?

I shot you, you shot me.

- Let me see.

- I'll be right back.

Don't go anywhere.

(Hawaiian music)

- What are you doing?

- Where were we?

Oh, that's right,
shh, close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Now we're in Hawaii.

There are palm trees,
and you breathe in deep

and what do you smell?

- Coconut.

Oh no.

- Oh yes.

- Oh no.

Oh no.


It's so hard to trust you.

- I told you nothing happened
with me and that Bliss girl.

- There were others,
weren't there?

That I didn't know about?

- Yeah, there were others.

That was before I realized that
I was sick in love with you.

- So you honestly think you're
ready to make a commitment

to something more permanent?

- Wait a second.

(phone rings)

- [Voicemail] Hi,
this is Brian Hartley.

And I'm not available to,
wait a second, yes I am.

I am available.

The rumors of my engagement
have been greatly exaggerated.

I am a free man.

Free at last.

Disentangled, untied...

- I left that message
the day I got home.

I was out of my mind.

- Untie me, I wanna go home.

- Linda, I swear.

- Let me go.

- Do you want a ride home?

This is Brian Hartley, and
to whom it may concern,

I am madly and passionately,
desperately, and exclusively

in love with Linda.

(blues music)

- Great job on the article, man.

- What are you doing?

- Cleaning out my desk.

After blowing the assignment
and missing an entire

week of work I
figured I was fired.

- Honey, trust me, when I
fire you, you will know it.

Nah, we just gonna
consider that last week

squandered vacation time.

I got you a new assignment.

I want you to find LA's
best bed and breakfast.

(funky music)

- You look dreadful.

- Yeah, well you look
pretty spiffy yourself.

- Taking it out on me, Brian?

- Sorry.

Where's Maxy?

- He's over there.

Trying out his new style.

- Thanks.


- Hey.

- Dude, happening head gear.

- It belonged to Walt,
Sharon's grandfather.

- No kidding.

Sharon, I've been
meaning to tell you,

I don't know anyone
in show business.

I'm sorry.

- I know Brian.

- You do?

- Yeah.

It's okay.

He's got those boots.

- Oh, good for you.

- Hey JJ.

Take a look at Max.

Never seen him look so happy.

- We should go.

You wanna join us?

- Um.

Fifth wheel, I think I'm
just gonna get a drink

and probably go home.

But go, enjoy yourselves.

- Bye.

- So you here for the other pit?

- A few days ago the
idea of doing anything

to improve the quality of
your life would have been

at the very bottom of
my list of things to do.

- I'm stunned.

- Can the sarcasm.

I am trying to help you, and
that is not easy for me to do.

Get your ass down
to the beach house.

I can't take another second of
that hideous Hawaiian music.

Catch my drift?

By the way, he's taking
me home to meet the dogs.

(blues music)


- Linda, open up.

I know you're there,
I saw your car.

Linda, are you okay?

(dog barking)

Get off!

Down boy.

Ow, ow, come on, be a good dog.

- What are you doing?

Can't you just knock
like a normal person?

- I did but nobody answered.

Think you could just
kind of make it go away?

New dog, huh?

- It's Kim's.

- Very friendly animal.

- She doesn't know you.

- Changed the message.

- I know.

- You do?

- I called.

I hung up.

About 20 times.

(soft music)

- Well I meant it.

But I'll change it
if you want me to.

- Don't.

- Linda, I know
I have to change.

- Yeah.


I need time to forgive
you and I don't even know

if I can.

- Well.

I got this for you.

And I want you to
keep it anyway.

And just know that my feelings
for you aren't gonna change.

I'll wait for you.

- I'll think about it.

- Okay.

- I've changed, Brian.

Are you ready for that?

- Yes.

- I might need to tie
you up once in a while.


How do you like the new knots?

- God I've missed you.

- Shh.

I just want you to
lie there and shut up.

If you close your eyes
it's almost like Hawaii.

- Maybe put on some of
that Hawaiian music.

- I don't have any
Hawaiian music.

- You don't?

But Kim...

(soulful music)

* Just you

* Just me

* That's all I want

* That's all I need

* When we're together

* I feel so free

* Just you

* Just me

* There was a time

* When I was so blind

* And I just could not see

* But oh you came along

* And you played my song

* And as I began to sing along

* Together we make sweet harmony

* Just like

* It was all meant to be

* Just you

* Just me

* That's all I want

* That's all I need

* When we make love

* I feel so free

* Just you

* Just me

* Now I know

* How it feels inside

* To share a love we
don't have to hide

* And to know

* When I'm not strong

* You are always there
for me to lean on

* In love together

* The way it's supposed to be

* Facing my reality

* No mountain is too
high for us to climb

* Together

* Together

* No no no river is too
wide for us to cross

* Together

* Together

* Together

* Just you

* Just me

* In love together

* The way it's supposed to be

* When we make love

* I feel completely free

* Just you

* Just me

* Just you

* Just me

* That's all I want

* And that's all I need

* When we make love

* I feel so free