All Over Town (1937) - full transcript
Two zanies try to stage a show in a theater that has a reputation for being being jinxed.
Oh, no you don't!
Try to have a little patience.
Remember, you are ladies!
Oh, come on!
Try and have a
little dignity, will you?
Over my dead body!
Hey, what's the idea?
We were trying to
do a full routine.
And you stopped
right in the middle.
Listen, kids, I'm stuck.
Maybe you can help me out.
What rhymes with I love you?
Your rent is due, and I want it!
Listen, Mrs. Wilson, I'm about
to finish a great composition.
Now listen to me.
I'm tired of all this stalling.
I want...
It came from up front.
Who fired that shot?
There, Sally.
Right here, Sally.
Here we start.
Perfect.
No, over here, Sally.
Sally.
That's it fella.
That's it.
No, over here.
The finale, Sally.
Right there, that's it.
Ah!
There she... there she is.
Maybe they shot each other!
Open this door!
It's Simon Legree.
Think, Little Eva,
think of something now.
Let me in.
Get Sally.
Come on, Sally.
Open this door.
How can they when
they shot each other?
Come on, open that door.
- You be a good girl, now.
- Put your head up here.
- Put your head up here.
- Don't move, Sally, please.
Here, here.
Listen...
Let me in!
Now get out of my
way, I'll get in.
Ah!
Oh!
Ah, Mrs. Wilson, I'm so sorry.
Oh!
It's all my fault.
Oh!
It's all my fault.
I should have been more careful!
What is this?
Oh, that.
Ha, ha, ha.
That... that's the
finish of our new act.
And is it a riot.
Yes, and you're causing a riot.
And besides that, I heard a shot.
A shot?
Oh yeah, that's our revolver.
We didn't know it was loaded.
Yes, but I heard it twice.
Sure, ha, ha.
We had to fire it twice to be sure
that it wasn't loaded once.
Are you sure that it's empty now?
Oh, sure.
Show her.
Ah!
Oh!
Why, Mrs...
Oh!
Mrs Wilson.
Ah, I've been shot!
Oh, listen, it was
only a blank cartridge.
You just got the wadding.
The wadding, uh?
I want you to quit making
a shooting gallery
out of my hotel.
Yes, Mrs. Wilson.
What was that?
Oh that, ha, ha.
That's my partner.
You know, that's another
part of our act, uh...
Oink, oink.
Oink!
Now you see?
Oink!
Well, what was that?
Oink, oink.
Oink, oink.
Oink.
Oink, oink.
Oh, he's playing a seal is he?
Uh, yeah.
He's, uh, Ha!
Sewing him up this,
and shut him up.
Or I will.
No, you go.
I'll keep him quiet.
Oink, oink.
Well, he's got to be quiet.
Oink, oink, oink.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, rehearsal's over.
I don't think she likes our act.
It certainly looks fishy to me.
What did you do with the bucket?
The bucket?
Yes,
But I... er, say, ahem.
You're keeping
something undercover.
Oh!
Oops!
Oh, in heaven's
name, what is that?
Oh, that's a sea-going
carnivorous mammal.
A what?
Just plain seal to
you, Mrs. Wilson.
Well, whatever it is,
get it out of here.
Oh, but Mrs. Wilson,
Sally is an artist,
brought from the wilds of
Oklahoma at terrific expense
in order to make her New York
debut at the Eldridge Theater.
I don't care if
she makes her debut
at the Metropolitan Opera House.
I'll give you to 6:00
o'clock to pack up her things
and get her out of here.
Oh!
Go to your rooms!
Did he say the Eldridge Theater?
Eldridge Theater?
Why that place is haunted.
I wouldn't work in that
spook trap for $1,000 a week.
Say, for $1,000 a week,
I'd play in a mousetrap.
Well, here we are.
Goodie, goodie.
Hey, hey, they're
opening next week.
They must be in rehearsal.
Yeah, it's a good
thing we got here, huh?
Are you sure you know the manager?
Know him?
Ha!
We're just like this.
Well, I'll go in with you.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
Uh, you stay here, because
we went to the stage
and give Sally our grand entrance.
OK.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, it's a girl's show.
Hey, where is everybody?
How should I know?
What was that?
Oh, that's a door.
Huh!
I knew it all the time.
Hey, wait a minute.
No.
We've got to find this guy.
Say listen, are you kidding?
Kidding?
This is important
business with me.
This is my livelihood!
I don't like the
looks of this place.
Let's get out of here.
Well, we've got to find Eldridge.
Can't we use the phone?
Oh, shut up!
There must be someone around here.
Hello!
Hello.
Get down, there.
Who was that?
Why, that's you.
But I'm down here.
Of course you are.
Then how did I get up there?
That's your voice, that's an echo.
Well, how did my
voice get up there?
Here, I'll show you.
Ta da da da da da da da da.
The king!
Shh!
You must be very quiet
during the performance.
Ha, ha!
Shh!
You get down.
Get down.
Isn't he magnificent?
Yeah.
He's colossal.
He's positively invisible.
Bravo.
Bravo!
Has he finished?
Yes.
Just listen to that audience!
They're going crazy.
They're going crazy?
Yes.
Bravo.
Get down, Roger.
Bravo!
Come on, men.
Ah, there ain't nobody here.
Ole, Ole!
Oh, ho, Ole!
Ole!
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute here.
Come on, get up
from there, will ya?
Is he... is he demented?
No.
We're all right.
Come on, Roger.
Quiet.
Wait a minute, I'm all right.
Why don't you be calm, like me?
Has he gone?
Yeah.
You know, for... for a
moment, I thought it was us.
Wasn't it?
Of course not!
Oh!
Ole.
What?
I don't feel so good.
I feel something coming over us.
So so I.
Ghosts!
Barricade that door.
Get some furniture, hurry up!
Help me.
Are you Mr. Eldridge?
I'm not Mr. Eldridge.
Don't tell me
you're Mrs. Eldridge?
I'm Mr. Bailey.
Not Barnum and Bailey?
Well, I've got the
greatest thing that...
Wait a minute!
Wait.
I own this theater.
I'm Miss Eldridge.
Ha, ha, ha.
We found an Eldridge.
Why Miss Eldridge, we've travelled
1,000 miles to see you.
I have a letter of
introduction here
from a friend...
that is, I did have.
Hey, you've got it.
I've got it?
No, you've got it.
Wait a minute, I put it
right in your vest pocket.
Hey, wait a minute.
You've got it down here.
I saw a little white...
Now, it's over here.
I put it in this
pocket, right down here.
Hey, wait it... it's down here.
I put it down here.
Hey, give me that letter.
I...
It ain't funny, already.
Give me that letter, will you?
Come on!
Listen.
Hey, wait a minute.
I... I know I put it
in here, I tell ya!
I put it in there!
Stop, will ya?
Stop!
Will ya please stop!
Maybe he's got it.
Oh!
Oh!
Stop!
This is no laughing matter.
Never mind the letter.
What do you want?
We want to show you the
eighth wonder of the world.
And it's not on a postcard.
No, in the flesh.
Stupendous, dynamic,
why she's colossal!
What?
Seeing is believing.
Yes, and we'll prove ya.
Come on, Ole, let's show 'em.
Wait here.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back, all right?
Stay right there.
Now do you understand why I want
you to give up this theater?
It's overrun with
echoes and lunatics!
Dad built this old theater.
It was his whole life.
I don't believe he would
want me to give it up.
Probably not.
He was a showman,
not a businessman.
Yet, if he knew the
trouble it would cause you,
he'd want you to dispose of it.
Somehow, I think he'd
rather have me keep it open,
with a show.
And you know, if I had
a hit, I could pay back
all the money I've
borrowed from you.
A hit in this jinxed house?
Joan, let me try to
get rid of the theater
before you lose everything
to your creditors.
Think it over, my dear.
Lady, you're now going
to really hear something.
Yes, ma'am.
Presenting Sally, the only
singing seal in captivity.
Born on Christmas Day!
Yeah.
Ha, ha, ha.
She's a Christmas seal.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Get over here and sit
down at the piano.
Now do your stuff.
Play it like it
never played before.
Me me me me me me me.
La la la la la la la la.
Sally, please sing.
Come on.
Oh, Sally, this is
your favorite tune.
Come on.
Sally, you can't let us down now.
And just when we got a
chance to get into a big show.
Wait a minute, boys.
You're wasting your time.
I haven't any show.
What?
There hasn't been a show in
this theater for two years.
Yeah, but we saw
a sign downstairs...
What about those
billboards outside?
Oh, those are the old
Ramsey Taylor show.
Oh, ha, ha.
Old Ramsey Taylor.
Hey, we know him well, don't we?
Oh.
We're just like brothers.
Ramsey Taylor's dead.
- Dead?
- Certainly.
Don't you remember?
He wrote and told us all about it?
It's too bad.
He was murdered two years
ago during a dress rehearsal...
right in this room,
on that very spot.
Oh!
Come on, let's get out of here.
No wonder Sally
wouldn't sing in here.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
Noises frighten me.
Oh, for a boiler factory.
What?
Ha, ha.
I said, I'm sorry
noises frighten you.
And I'm sorry I've
wasted all your time.
But I like the pretty noises
you made on the piano.
Well, then it wasn't a waste.
I met you and you like my music.
More noise?
Have you more?
A whole portfolio full of
noise, practically bedlam.
Give me bedlam.
Hey, is this your car?
No.
Oh, oh, the car.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
We...
Why certainly it's our car.
You don't suppose
for one minute we'd
be driving a car that
doesn't belong to us, do you?
Certainly it's our car.
We've had the car
for over 10 years.
It's a little thing we
whipped up ourselves.
Don't you know enough not
to park next to a fire plug?
Now get out of here before
I give you a ticket.
Yes, officer.
Well, you heard what he said.
Get out of here.
Yeah, but I don't know
how to drive a car.
Well, you're going to learn fast.
Shh!
Oh, boys, I have a letter for you.
Thanks.
Oh, that's swell.
I wonder if it introduces me?
Here, come on.
Thank you.
Uh...
Come on, let's get upstairs.
Yeah, thanks.
You're... you're welcome.
Mamie!
Listen, you know those
two new boarders?
Yes.
They just came
into a lot of money.
How do you know?
Well, uh, well, you know,
they dropped a letter.
And I couldn't help but read it.
How much did they get?
I don't know.
Well, we've got to find out!
All right, come on, come on.
What's the bad news?
Hey, listen.
They've sold our filling station.
How much?
$150.
We're rich, Ole!
We're rich!
We're rich!
There, what did I tell you?
Shh!
What's the matter now?
You know, something
seems to tell me
we shouldn't have
sold our business.
Now we've got nothing.
Shame on ya.
Shame on ya!
We're worth over $1 million.
$1 million?
Yes!
You wouldn't take a half a
million for your half of Sally
- would ya?
- No.
Neither would I.
You're right.
You're right!
We're worth exactly one million,
one hundred and fifty dollars!
Ha, ha.
And $0.17.
$1 million!
Girls, girls, come quickly.
I have something to tell ya.
$1 million!
What?
$1 million.
Boys, I tell ya, this
show of mine's a knockout.
Miss Eldridge is crazy about it.
It was made to order for Sally.
We'll make her a
sensation overnight.
I can see it now, her name
on Broadway, in lights.
How big?
That big!
Oh, no.
What do you think we are?
No.
Well, what's the matter?
It's not big enough.
All right, then, that big.
That's more like it.
What do you say, boys?
Are you with us?
Well, it sounds OK to me.
Wait a minute!
Don't jump at collusions.
Are you sure Sally will
get the starring part?
Why, the show was
written around her.
It's a water carnival.
Now fellas, uh, I hate to...
Come on, speak up.
We're with ya.
Yeah, Come on.
Don't be afraid.
We're regular fellas.
Well, you know it will, uh,
it will take a little money.
Oh, well, we got a little money.
Certainly.
We're gamblers.
We're sports.
What do you think we are?
We'll do anything for Sally.
We'll put Sally over, it
it costs us every cent.
Oh, ho.
It won't take that much.
Besides, with you fellas
in our organization, why,
we can get unlimited credit.
Brother, we're in.
Oh, thanks!
I'll run in front of
Miss Eldridge right away.
Yes, and I'll ride along, too.
What do you think of that?
Oh, that's swell.
- Thanks, boys!
- All right.
So long.
Hey, we're booked!
We're booked!
Let's tell Sally!
Hey, Sally, Sally, Sally!
Sally, you're going to be a star!
You're going to be a star!
Hey, wait a minute.
Are you caught?
No, my foot itches.
Aw!
Come on!
We got to go inform!
Good morning, good morning.
Hello there.
Good morning.
Get a little good
mornings, everybody.
Good morning.
Boys, I'm sorry you
missed Joan's routine.
Oh, that's all right.
We'll see it later.
Just think, we're
entertaining the press.
Good!
Yes, and we had
better get in there,
or they'll be getting restless.
Don't worry about that,
we've got a lot of business
to do right now.
Gentlemen!
Morning, good morning.
Uh, may I have just a
moment of your time?
Hey, we got nothing but time.
Yeah, but hurry up,
I'll tell that right now.
Uh, would you just
sign this order?
It's going to be...
Wait a minute!
Let me do it.
It's my turn.
Uh, why you put two crosses.
That's right.
We have twice as
much coming today.
Oh, uh, boys, boys, uh, rush.
But, uh, hey, listen.
What's... uh, what's this for?
Oh this?
Why, I'm going to
fashion this after a copy
of the gown worn by
the Empress Josephine.
Josephine?
Yes.
Uh, yes.
Now, uh, uh, to begin with, we're
going to absolutely no back,
very daring, of course.
Now across the
shoulders, we're going
to have little baby pearls.
Ahem.
Then the mother pearls, of course,
will slowly uh, descend to the,
uh... now the bodice, the bodice
is going to be,
uh, very, uh, snug.
Now to reveal the alluring
curves of the feminine body,
ha, ha, uh, we're
going to have, um,
some gold, uh, cloth, you see?
Sort of folding very beautifully
into the very first flounce.
Ahem.
Then you see, we'll
have the, uh, pleats.
Now we will have them... we
will have the pleats... ha,
ha... we'll have pictures he
made of the black, or possibly
brown, or, uh, of blue, of
the satin that's cut on, uh,
the bias.
The what?
Uh, on the... uh, satin that's
cut on the... on the bias.
Ha, ha.
That's very reasonable,
don't you think so?
Uh, cut, uh... say, what's
the matter with him?
Hey, uh, what... what is the bias?
Explain to me, what's the bias?
Why, the bias is
the material, um...
now, of course, I
don't know just...
Well, do you use the bias?
I don't know just how many yards
we'll, uh... the bodice, of
course, will take 12 yards.
Then from the bodice down
to the first flounce,
we say will be 24.
24, 24... that'll be 35.
That would be 40 or 42.
42, 55... 68!
Screen-o.
I... I... I have
never really been...
Please!... So humiliated
in all my life!
Haven't you gone yet?
Go one, get going!
Money is no object.
I... leaving everything to me,
everything on my shoulders!
What do you know
about this Bailey?
I don't know anymore
about it than you do.
You've been passing out my
dough like it was peanuts.
I invest $30,000 in
here, just because you
were going to get me the theater.
And what happens?
Here they are,
rehearsing under my nose.
What happens if the
show makes a hit?
Miss Eldridge pays off those
loans, so where do I stand?
I'm so surprised, you could
knock me over with a feather.
I could.
But I'm not going
to be so delicate.
How are you, Mr. Bailey?
How are you?
Ha, ha.
Hey, is he tickled to see you.
How are the two oil millionaires?
Ah, marvelous!
Generous to a fault.
It must be grand to be rich.
I think ya got something there.
Oh!
Where's Miss Eldridge?
Miss Eldridge?
She's in the office entertaining
the gentlemen of the press.
Bailey!
What are those two
guys doing here?
They're here to meet
those two millionaires.
Gee, Ole, wouldn't it be
marvelous to be a millionaire?
Ah, millionaire!
To travel to all the ends of
the world, live at the Ritz!
And have breakfast in bed.
Breakfast in bed.
Say, by the way, you
owe me a half a dollar.
Where is it?
Oh, you're not going to forget
that $0.50 I owe you, are you?
Why should I forget it?
You owe it to me, don't ya?
I got a little surprise for ya.
Yeah?
See that spoon?
Shame on you.
You know, you can
go to penitentiary
for stealing spoons?
Hey, you know you can get
$1.00 for that at any pawn shop?
Well, what's that got
to do with anything?
You know you can get $1.00 for
that spoon at any pawn shop?
Well, what's that got to do
with the $0.50 you owe me?
Oh, I... I owe you $0.50?
Yes.
Here.
Now you owe me $0.50.
Yeah?
Well here.
Now we're even.
All right, boys, enjoy yourself.
I'll be back in just a minute.
OK.
Mr. Bailey!
Hello, Joan.
Celebration?
We're entertaining
members of the press.
Ahem!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Joan, you know Pete Phillips?
Why, yes.
How do you do?
Aren't you the gentleman who
wanted to buy my theater?
Yes.
You haven't changed
your mind, have you?
I should say not.
I have a hit on my hands.
She hopes she has a hit.
Make yourselves at home, will you?
- Thank you, Joan.
- Now wait a minute.
Don't try to make a touch.
We got to make a hit
for these millionaires.
Don't worry, please.
When I get through
with them, they'll
give me an oil well
all for myself.
Hey, wait a minute.
Fix your tie here, huh?
Oh, fix your own tie!
You ready?
Yeah.
Boys, the press want to
meet the backers of the show.
I'm for that.
Sure, why not?
Gentlemen, we're
going to drink a toast.
Yeah, let's drink to the
petroleum twins... chumps!
Yeah, tell 'em who
the backers are,
why they're spending
all this dough.
Gentlemen, to the two men who
have made all this possible,
the backers of our show,
Mr. Olsen and Mr. Johnson.
Boys, you're gamblers.
I hope you make a million.
Yeah, let's have another drink.
I need it.
No, no.
Listen, wait, wait, wait.
We've got to go out
an get Sally a drink.
Hey, listen!
Wait a minute.
You know, I like you fellas.
You don't pretend to be
anything but what ya really are.
Yeah, especially if ya ain't.
Yeah.
He's always clowning.
Ha, ha, ha.
Don't look now, but we're supposed
to be the millionaires.
Are we?
Oh, we haven't got a cent.
Gee, I'm all confused.
Yeah.
They're all confused.
Well, their word
is as good as ours.
Oh!
Where ya going?
I'm going back and stop them
before they spend $1 million
we haven't got.
Broke again.
Oh!
All right, hurry,
hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
It's just starting, folks,
it's just commencing,
the greatest show on the Midway.
32 spectacular attractions
combined in one great show.
Over here, let me call your
attention to the Wiggley
Sisters and their troop of
saucy island dancing girls.
All right, come on,
get out of my way!
Come on, Phillips.
Stop them, get away, and
clear out of here, everybody!
As for you, your goose is cooked!
What goose?
Aw, now what?
Oh, Mr. Bailey,
what's the matter?
Plenty.
Those men are impostors.
Your two oil millionaires haven't
an oil can between them.
"Investigated thoroughly.
Olsen and Johnson
own no oil property.
Left Gusherville
owing everybody."
Posted, detective agency.
- I don't believe it.
- No, you don't.
No, you don't.
Come on, get out of here.
Never mind, get up, come on.
Get in there.
What's the idea?
There they are.
Ask them.
Why did you do this to me, boys?
We never told anybody
that we were millionaires.
Ha, ha.
You see, Don said the show
needed a little money.
Yeah, and we had a little money.
Yes, about that a little.
Let's take it out of their hides!
Yeah!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
It's not their fault, it's ours
for jumping at conclusions.
Oh, stop this chatter.
Throw those hams
out of my theater.
What business is it of yours?
Because, I gave him the
money you've been living on.
Is this true?
It is if can prove it.
But the theater is in my
name, and I'm taking over.
What?
Come on, get out, everybody!
I got ya.
OK.
I'll be seeing you later, Bailey.
You can't pay the
money you owe me,
so get these people
off my property.
And I thought you were my friend.
I could kill you!
And I'd like to do it for you.
Wait a minute, Don, wait a minute.
Let me do it.
Let me do it.
I'd like to kill him once for you.
I'll kill ya myself,
that's what I'll do.
You can do this to that woman!
I'll take ya, strangled ya to
death, that's what I'll do!
You... Ole, Ole, come on, Ole.
Come on.
Why you dirty... I'll murder
the guy here in stealth view!
See, that's what I'll do!
I'll kill him,
that's what I'll do.
Hey, hey, hey.
Why didn't you hit him?
Well, I just didn't want to
start a scene, that's all.
Get 'em outta here,
and save what you can.
Girls, take those costumes
right off, immediately.
You're all fired.
Ahem.
Uh, uh, be careful
with them, girls, too.
Now listen...
Well, that's that.
We're closed before we opened.
That ends it.
We're through.
Through nothing!
We're just beginning.
We'll open this show
and pay that baboon off!
Hey everybody, wait!
Come here and listen to me.
Come here, everybody.
Hurry up!
This ape is trying to
take your jobs away,
foreclosing on Miss Eldridge just
because she owes
him a few nickles.
If you close this
show now, you won't
get a dime for your
sets of costumes.
Let's go on with it, and
you'll get paid off in full.
Suppose the show is a flop?
Well, take a look at it.
Give the girls a chance.
Don't listen to him.
You want to lose all your money?
No, no, no, no.
Well, we'll get her a chance.
What do you say?
It's all right with me.
All right, then, we'll look at it.
Come on, let's go.
Oh...
All right, everybody.
Now on your toes.
This has got to be good!
Places.
Joan, they're going
to give us a chance.
Then we're not fired?
Of course, you're not fired.
You're going to make
this a show a hit!
OK, get everything in place.
Hurry up!
You fellas are wasting your time.
Well, it's our time.
We can do with it as we
please, can't... what are you
talking about, wasting our time?
All set?
Yeah, all set.
All right, folks.
Do your best.
Hark ye, hark ye, hark ye.
Friends, for our first
feature this evening
we present that stellar
attraction, Olsen
and Johnson and Sally, the
one and only singing seal!
Well, Johnny, how
do you feel today?
Oh, I feel all right, Ole.
Oh, what's the idea
of the hangover?
Ah, you didn't get
home last night, huh?
I'm supposed to say that.
Yeah, well why don't you say it?
You're supposed to say it for me.
Well, that's what
I'm trying to do.
Well, I'm the dummy.
No one's disputing that.
And if you're going to
continue sitting on my knee,
you had better
change your tactics.
What?
I say you better
change your tactics.
Well, where would I bleed?
Oh!
Where would I...
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
as our concluding number,
we will smoke a
cigarette, sing a song,
and drink a glass of water
all at the same time,
simultaneously.
You will double-cross me, will ya?
You will double-cross me!
Ain't we got blood?
Sally, the one
and only singing seal!
Hey, what do you
think about it, Bailey?
Bailey?
Oh, let bygones be bygones.
Bailey?
Something's the matter.
Bailey!
What's the matter?
Oh, I don't know.
What a time!
Wait, wait.
What's the matter, now?
There's been an accident.
What happened to Bailey?
He's been shot.
Shot?
Yes, and he's dead!
Oh!
He's been murdered, the old man.
Look, Ole, we knocked
him out of his seat.
Quiet.
All right, now stay back!
Stay back!
That man's been shot.
Shot?
I'll bet I know who did it.
Who?
Sally.
Sally?
I saw her beat it, and she
had a guilty look
on her conscience.
I know, you forgot to
unload that gun again!
Did I?
Gun.
Yes, and we've got to
get rid of that gun quick.
Hide it.
No, you hide it.
Poor Sally.
Oh!
Hey, what's the matter?
Oh, you didn't see what I saw.
Ah!
Hey.
What are you doing?
I'm putting the gun in the fish.
Now remember, mum's the word,
and keep your mouth shut!
I'm going to get the police.
Yes, that's a good idea.
Go on.
Now then, there ain't no need
of all getting het up here.
There's been a murder committed,
and the law demands payment.
A killer is right here, because
all the exits except the stage
door were locked from the inside.
Now here we are, and here we
stay, until I finish my job,
if it takes all winter!
Now someone killed Bailey.
Who did it?
All right, speak up, who did it?
Where's the guilty one?
If you don't talk,
I'll be compelled
to use sterner methods.
Hm!
Hey, you want to try it?
Take my end.
What do you know about this?
About what?
The murder.
Oh, well, you see...
Hey, listen Officer, we don't
know anything about this.
Where were you when
Bailey was shot?
Shot?
I thought they found
him out in the alley
with a knife in his hand.
Who do you think poisoned him?
I don't know, who?
Nobody, he hung himself.
Yeah, but how do you
know he hung himself?
How do I know?
Why the gas jet was wide open.
Well, was there much gas?
Much gas?
He was cut from ear to ear.
Yeah, but did he bleed much?
Every bone in his body was broke.
He'd been in the
water over 76 hours.
Yeah, but was he dead?
He was awful wet.
I know, but was he dead?
I don't know, he's going to phone
and let me in the morning.
Personally, I think
it was suicide.
Suicide?
Wait a minute.
Don't forget that I
know a few things, too.
Yeah, well I know
as few as you do.
Now look here!
We're going to stay here all night
until I find out who shot Bailey.
Call me at 7:00, will you?
You don't happen to have
a pair of pajamas on you?
Yes.
No!
Y... you can't let me in?
I got in there!
This is of grave importance.
Inspector.
Inspector, I don't know
whether this means anything
or not, but just before Bailey was
killed I was at the stage door.
Yes, yes?
Well, two men came in, and
one of them had a machine gun.
What did they look like?
Uh, th... they were about this
tall, and had long, red beards,
and they flew way out
over the audience.
What?
Why are you...
Shh!
Get down.
Get down!
Look at that.
Come on, Roger.
Come on.
Come on!
Stop!
McKee, they thing this is a joke.
I'll lock them all up!
It's up to us.
Poor Sally.
Hey, Chief, you can't do this.
And I don't want any
more of your double talk.
We want to confess.
Confess?
Sally did it.
Sally?
Who's Sally?
Oh, she works in the act.
Oh, your girlfriend, eh?
You've been keeping
her undercover.
What does she look like?
Aw, she's got the most
beautiful brown eyes.
And the smoothest
skin you've ever saw.
Naw, how tall is she?
Oh, she's about that
tall, siting down.
Standing up?
When we give her a fish,
she comes up to there.
She wouldn't, by any chance, have
a long, red beard down to there?
No.
But she's got whiskers like that.
Ha, ha, ha.
Say, are you trying to kid me?
There might be something
in what they say, Inspector.
Sally is a seal in their act.
And she did fire a gun.
Where is it?
I hid it.
McKee, don't let
anyone leave here.
Right.
Take me to it.
No, Sally!
No!
No, no, no.
No.
Oh!
What is it now?
Sally swallowed the evidence.
Oh, she did, did she?
Well, that isn't gonna stop me.
I'm going to take that
seal to the hospital.
And for your sake, boys,
she better have the gun.
And while we're there,
I'm going to put
you under observation, too.
Hey, Murphy.
Hey, Murphy, you're not going
to let 'em operate on Sally,
- are you?
- Give us a break, won't you?
A break?
Yeah.
Look at that trusting face.
Look at those innocent eyes.
I tell ya, I gotta find that gun.
Oh, we'll find that gun for you.
How?
Leave it us.
Sally will give us
anything she's got.
Whoa!
Oh, oh!
Whoa!
Oh!
I wonder what's become of Sally?
She's gone for another ride.
Oh, oh boy.
Where's Inspector Murphy?
He's coming.
Why, Inspector Murphy.
Oh, it isn't what you think it is.
Those birds gave
me the run-around.
That seal didn't have any gun.
Oh, we found the gun.
You did?
But it didn't kill Bailey.
It wasn't the right caliber.
Then I want to talk to that girl.
Where is she?
In the office with her boyfriend.
I'll go to her.
Uh-uh, this way.
Mm, mm, oh!
What are they doing?
Let's find out.
Just a moment,
what's going on here?
Nothing's going on.
It's going off.
We're shipping
everything out of here.
Oh, have a heart, old man.
How do you expect
us to put on a show
without costumes or scenery?
Why don't you broadcast it?
You know, radio.
Radio?
Radio.
Radio!
Radio.
Radio!
I'm sorry, lady.
It's...
Will you stop it?
I've got to get out of here.
Oh!
Oh, for Lord's sake.
Uh!
You mugs.
Now who are we going to see?
The head man.
And nobody else will do.
Good.
If he turns us down,
that will be final.
Uh.
Oh, of all the voices
I've ever heard!
But Mr. MacDougal!
Oh, shot her off.
Shut her off!
Yes, but Mr. MacDougal.
Oh!
But Mr. MacDougal, she...
she was sent to us by...
Listen, I want the Cokes people
to buy MacDougal's Mackerels,
not frighten them into it.
Yes, but Mr. MacDougal,
now if you'd please be calm.
Calm?
Listen, I'm selling
MacDougal's Mackerels.
I need a program,
something startling.
A slap bang slogan.
Well, we've got it.
What do you think of that?
MacDougal's Mackerel makes a
marvelous meal for millions.
Who are you?
Well, we're not Amos and Andy.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, no, Listen, we'll
give you an audition.
Cute?
That's just a sample.
He's a genius.
He can play anything!
I've got a million of 'em.
What will ya have?
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
I beg your pardon?
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Yeah.
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Would you recognize
it if you heard it?
Yes!
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Give me another A.
Give me a long A.
Is that long enough?
You heard what he said, didn't ya?
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Oh!
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Yes, and I'm going
to play it for him.
What do ya think of that?
It's there somewhere, but you'll
have to pick it out yourself.
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Yes!
When am I going to hear it?
Right now!
We'll make it up as we go along.
Rachmaninoff's prelude
, it's Rachmaninoff's prelude.
And when it comes to preludes,
that is quite a dish.
Jonah's in a whale,
Jonah's in a whale.
I can't remember 30
days has September,
but I never can
forget MacDougal fish.
Hey, hey, what's this?
What's this?
Hey, what's this?
What is it?
That's a school of little minnows.
But just give
me MacDougal's Mackerel,
the health food with a punch.
Oh, it's MacDougal's Mackerel
for dinner and for lunch.
Now doctors come and doctors
go, but nothing is ever wrong.
Vicious kings so loudly sing
MacDougal's Mackerel song.
Oh, MacDougal's Mackerels...
You can swallow the
fish and never taste it!
You know the funny...
Well, how did you like it?
I think it's terrible.
Hey!
Oh!
Is he a tough guy
to sell an act to.
Yeah, to sell him anything,
you'd have to commit a murder.
You're right!
If it was your
murder, I'd go for it!
Oh, boy!
We've got a murder.
What?
Bailey, at the Eldridge Theater.
What has that got to do with
the MacDougal's Mackerels?
Oh, boy!
What a tie-up.
Our seal...
And your face.
Why, you tie up with that theater,
it means publicity
you couldn't buy.
Who cares about
the jinxed theater?
What the public wants to know
is who committed the murder?
We know who did it.
What?
You know who the murderer is?
Why, just wait a
minute, wait a minute.
You took his words
right out of my mouth.
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
That we're going to disclose
the murderer on your broadcast,
produce him on the air!
Sure!
Millions of people
with their ears to the radio.
While, for the first time,
there is broadcasted from any
program the identity
of the murderer
from the scene of the crime!
And brought to you
through the courtesy of...
MacDougal's Mackerels.
Now, I told you to
keep it down, like that.
All right, let's
get ready for a test.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.
Sour pickles, milk.
Pickles?
Milk?
Pickles and milk?
Why, this is a Mackerel program.
I know, but we're
just testing the mic.
OK, George?
Swell.
What are we going to do, Ole?
We don't know who the murderer is.
Well, let's tell them the
truth and face the music.
Oh, Don, we...
Don't tell me a thing.
I was never so glad to
see anybody in my life.
Yes.
He was worried, afraid
you wouldn't show up.
Well, why didn't you tell 'em.
Oh, I didn't have a chance.
Ole, Ole!
Ha!
We've got a packed house for once.
Hey, you!
Come here.
What are you two
guys trying to do?
Make monkeys out of
the police department?
Oh, no, sir.
Come clean, lugs.
Who committed this murder?
Well, you see, we...
Just remember, that if
you know and haven't tipped
off the police department,
you're guilty of a felony.
What's that?
A felony?
Obstructing justice, aiding
and abetting a criminal.
7 to 14 years.
7, that's 7, 8, 9,
10, 11... 14 years.
Ah, ha!
That's a long time, isn't it?
7 to... 7 to 14.
Ha, ha.
Inspector, I'm surprised at you!
A man of your intelligence
to fall for a gag like that.
Ha!
We have no idea who
the murderer is.
Oh!
Don't say that I didn't warn ya.
I should not.
I'll tell everybody.
Don't worry about that, officer.
Look, why did you tell him that?
Why, Mr. MacDougal!
What a night, what a crowd!
And when we get through, we
will have MacDougal's Mackerel
on the tip of everybody's tongue.
Now listen, you crooks.
You promised me the murderer and
you're coming through with him.
Understand?
If you don't, I'll have ya jailed
for taking money
under false pretenses.
Now, Mr. MacDougal, you
don't mean to think that you...
I just heard you admit
you had no idea who it was.
We don't.
What?
We don't think that
it's necessary to tell
the police all of our business.
I put $50,000 into this broadcast.
I've advertised it
all over the country.
If you make MacDougal's
Mackerels a laughingstock,
why, I'll break every
bone in your body.
I tell you...
Oh, no.
MacDougal, wait a minute.
The boys know what they're doing.
They say they'll produce
the murderer, and they will.
Won't you boys?
Yeah, we know who he is.
We know where he is.
We've got our thumb
on him all the time.
Which thumb?
Hey, come on.
We'll just get back...
I don't care...
Listen, every... everything's
going to be all right.
I tell you, I don't...
Now what are we going to do?
We're going to take the
first bus out of town.
But we haven't got any money.
Then we had better
walk, because we
can't hang around here.
Yeah, but I hate walking.
I've got an idea.
You killed Bailey.
Did I?
When?
No, well, you really
didn't kill him.
You're going to
pretend that you did.
Well, I didn't do it.
I know it.
But they can't prove it.
Of course, they can't prove it.
I think you got something there.
Come over here.
I'll tell ya just what to say.
I'll try to make it a
little bit more simple.
All you've got to do, I take
you in front of the microphone
and you say, I killed
him, because he was a rat.
And I'd do it all over again.
But I didn't kill him.
I know you didn't kill him.
You're just going to
pretend that you killed him.
Now try it again.
I killed him, because
I'm a rat and I'll...
Now, no.
You're not the rat, he's the rat.
Can't we both be rats?
No.
OK, say I killed him.
I killed him.
There, that's it.
But I didn't do...
No.
Wait a minute.
Hey, try this.
I...
- I...
- ...killed
...killed
...him...
- ...him...
- ...because...
- ...because...
- ...he...
- ...he...
- ...was...
- ...was...
- ...a...
a...
rat.
Rat.
That's it.
Now try it.
I killed him, because I'm a rat.
And I'll do it again...
No.
Watch me.
I killed him,
because he was a rat.
And I would do it all over again.
Oh!
You killed him.
Well, it's OK with me.
Come on.
No!
Oh, I don't want to do it.
You've got me all mixed up.
Oh, well, well, try it once again.
Once again.
He killed me, because I was
a rat, and I'll do it again.
No, no, no, no.
All you've got to say
is, I killed Bailey.
I refuse to talk.
You refuse?
I refused to talk.
That's what I did.
Are you Olsen Johnson?
Sure.
Headquarters.
The Chief detailed
me to look after you
boys till after the broadcast.
Well, what for?
We didn't do anything.
Are you aware of the fact
that your lives are in danger?
You know that you're the only two
men on earth who know
who killed Bailey?
Yes.
Us and the guy that
really killed him.
Yes, and he's possibly out
to get you before you have
an opportunity to
broadcast that fact.
Why, you never told me that!
Shh!
Now listen, the Chief it
sitting over there in the car,
and he wants to talk
it over with ya.
Oh, sure.
Sure, why not?
We'd be delighted.
There's no Chief in here.
Here's the Chief, and
he speaks six languages.
Get in there!
Come on, get in and quit
monkeying around about it.
I tell you, I don't
trust them all.
I'm sorry, folks, but
we have to go on the air.
All right, places, everybody.
Places!
MacDougal's Mackerels presents
the MacDougal's Theater
of the Air.
The curtain rises on one of
the most thrilling and unusual
broadcasts in radio history.
You are to be witnesses
in the actual apprehension
of a desperate criminal.
A murder was committed
in this very theater.
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
sometime during the next 30
minutes, the mystery of
this ruthless killing
will be solved here on this
stage before your very eyes.
Hey, Mary, it might
be on the level.
They're putting up
policemen at every door.
Come on, you lugs!
Uh, huh.
Well, here they are.
Step into the waiting room, gents.
Come on, boys, get going.
Come on.
Well, glad to see ya.
Gentlemen, you'll
live to regret this.
Ha, ha.
You should be so lucky.
Yeah.
Sit down.
You ain't going nowhere.
Yeah, go on, sit down.
Make yourself at home.
Now where's Spike?
He's bringing in their baby.
Baby?
Yeah.
What am I supposed to
do with that sea serpent?
How should I know?
It went with the job.
You can keep it for a pet.
Ah.
Baby, huh?
OK, Slug.
We delivered the goods
to ya, they're yours.
Can I do it now?
Now, don't get over anxious.
The boss will phone ya when.
Sure he's got the number?
Why, sure.
Come on, my work's done.
Come on.
Oh, say... now, just
be comfortable, boys.
It, uh, it won't be long.
Say, do neither of you
guys play, uh, checkers?
Yeah, I do.
Oh, that's great.
Well, we'll just have a game
here all by ourselves, then!
Have you seen Olsen and Johnson?
Yeah, they went out in the
alley a few minutes ago.
Were they alone?
No.
They took that sea
beast with them.
Not so good.
Well, your move.
There.
Hey, no kibitzing there.
Oh, no, sir.
No, sir.
Hey, you can't do that!
Make a move, then
make it back again.
Yeah, but he didn't take
his nose of the checker.
Yes, he did.
No, he didn't.
Well, he did too.
He didn't!
I say he did!
Yeah.
He did.
Ah, what is this?
That's the boss.
Now don't move nothing!
Hello, Slug?
This is Phillips.
Have you got, uh...
Yeah, they're here, all right.
All right.
Go ahead.
Take care of 'em, now.
Sure.
Well, what did he say?
He said for me to
go on with the job.
Well, go ahead and
get it over with.
Ah, like fun, I will.
You want to quit when
you're winners, huh?
Well, we won't do
anything of the kind.
Now go on, move.
Good girl, Sally.
What was that?
Oh, I just said, I hope
the game ends in a rally.
Now it's your move.
Oh!
My men, huh?
Cheating, huh?
Now I am going to carry
out the bosses orders.
Which one you guys
want to be first?
You ain't got any
preference, have you?
Aw, you wouldn't
think that you could...
Aw, get together.
We ain't got gonna draw on
straws about this, you know.
Alley-oop!
What kind of a crack was that?
Ugh!
Atta gal, Sally!
Atta gal, Sally.
Hey, how did you get
your hands untied?
Why, I've had them
untied all the time.
Well, why didn't you do something?
What?
And get shot?
Oh, here.
Untie me.
Answer that phone, and be careful.
Hello.
Hello, get me Slug, quick.
Who?
Oh, he's out.
Hurry, we've got to
get back to the theater.
You've got to confess.
Hello!
Hey, what about Sally?
We'll come back for
Sally after I confess.
Now it's every man for himself!
Tell me, tell me!
How did they get away?
Oh, I don't know.
I had 'em both dead to rights.
And you know, them guys, they got
a... uh, a trained seal with them.
And when I wasn't looking,
she snuck up in back of me
and slugged me.
You had better watch out, too.
Because she's still around here,
and she's liable to slug you.
You sap!
I've got to stop them.
Well, you know, we'll have
to make the announcement.
Well, I guess this is
the end of everything.
What are you going to say?
I killed him,
because he was a rat.
And I'll do it again.
You've got it!
Let 'em in.
Hm!
I'm a rat, and he killed
me, and I'll do it again.
What do you think of that?
He's a killer, and I'm a ratter!
Where is he?
Ladies and gentlemen,
uh, at the beginning
of this broadcast, we
promised to disclosed to you
the actual murderer
of William Bailey.
Uh, we regret that we've
been obliged to postpone
this announcement until the
finish of our broadcast.
We... but let the men
who handled this capture
tell you in their own words.
Introducing the master sleuths
of the MacDougal's Mackerel
hour, Mr. Olsen and Mr. Johnson.
Now's your chance.
Here we go.
Get in there, boys.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
And now, we would like to
have each and every one of you
cuddle close together.
We would like to have
little children run
to the protecting
arms of their mothers,
because I know that you all
have been anxiously waiting
to find out who
killed William Bailey.
Well, the time has come.
He was a rat!
No, not now.
The killer is in this theater.
He's right here!
He's on this stage, and
his name is... he was a rat!
Get him!
There goes the starter's
gun, and they're off!
In a cloud of dust, with
the killer riding the rail,
there they go around
the first turn.
The killer getting
four shots ahead!
There they go, into
the back stretch!
Get him!
Look at 'em fighting.
Fighting... it's rather hard to see
- just what's happening over here.
- Get him!
Look at 'em, fighting it out
for a blood-curdling finish!
Just a few steps behind
the killer, there they go.
Come on, play something!
My mistake, folks, my mistake.
It was just a little surprise,
because with a right cross
to the jaw, they're aiming
for the old whip master.
Then down he goes for the count!
One, two, three, four!
He's up!
At up at the count of three.
He gets his screaming
brides 19 yards...
No, please don't.
...out of the first bumper,
and then forced to punt.
The ball goes past second base
for a hit, kisses a nine ball,
and lands in the side pocket.
Through the courtesy
of MacDougal's Mackerel.
Get him!
Come on, get him, boys!
Come on!
It was a beautiful
take off, folks.
He flew through the air
with the greatest of ease,
and was just about to make a
perfect three-point landing,
when he crashed.
Through the courtesy
of MacDougal's Mackerel.
There's a lot of
excitement here tonight, folks.
And things are getting
hotter and hotter.
No, it's my mistake.
They're getting colder and colder.
Yeah, in fact, I
think it's snowing.
It is snowing.
Right.
Through the courtesy
of MacDougal's Mackerel.
Oh, what a night!
What a storm!
Storm?
It looks like an avalanche.
But does it stop us, folks?
Does it stop us?
Yes.
Er, no.
We carry on and on and on
until we cry out, excelsia!
Through the courtesy
of MacDougal's Mackerel.
There's the band, folks.
There they go.
There goes Kotchy Kobb!
There goes Rachmaninoff!
There goes Ruminoff.
There they go, they're
up... they're down.
They're moving merrily
along now, folks.
It's barrels of fun!
Ugh!
Oh!
Look!
Let me down!
I'm going to get...
Come here.
Oh, no.
Let me go.
Go back.
Stop it!
Let me go!
Oh!
Here we are, folks.
And we've got nine trenchers
on the very edge of death,
as we bring to you this
shot-by-shot description
of the battle at the
Eldridge Theater.
Through the courtesy
of MacDougal's Mackerel.
Oh, ho, ho!
Oh!
Hurry, hurry.
You've got two minutes to go.
Two minutes to go,
what a game, folks.
What a game!
The score is tied at
six all, the killer
has the ball on
the five yard line.
It's third down and five
to go for a touchdown!
Oh, and look at the blue.
They are all tensely
set, repeating in unison,
thou shalt not pass.
Thou shalt not pass!
Look, the killer is down.
He's in a huddle!
Thousands watch his plunge.
Look!
What's the matter?
I'm out of bullets.
- You're what?
- I'm out of bullets!
Oh!
The killer is going to kick!
Ugh!
Pardon me, folks, but due to
conditions over which we have
no control, we have to
interrupt our broadcast.
Uh, where was I?
The killer!
Oh, the killer.
The killer, eh?
Well, folks, we promised you
the murderer of William Bailey.
Yes, yes.
The killer.
Yes, yes, yes.
Well, he's right in this theater,
and his name is Peter
Stuyvesant Phillips.
Don!
And remember folks,
that the capture
of this villain comes to you...
Ha, ha, ha.
Through the courtesy of
MacDougal's Mackerel!
And now we'll have a few
words from the killer himself.
Hello, Ma.
I put up a heck of
a fight, but I lost.
And always remember,
folks, that our motto
is dependability.
And on next Saturday
night, at this same time,
we will return with bigger
and better surprises.
So tell everybody, spread
the news all over town!
In the meantime, this is Olsen...
And Johnson.
Try to have a little patience.
Remember, you are ladies!
Oh, come on!
Try and have a
little dignity, will you?
Over my dead body!
Hey, what's the idea?
We were trying to
do a full routine.
And you stopped
right in the middle.
Listen, kids, I'm stuck.
Maybe you can help me out.
What rhymes with I love you?
Your rent is due, and I want it!
Listen, Mrs. Wilson, I'm about
to finish a great composition.
Now listen to me.
I'm tired of all this stalling.
I want...
It came from up front.
Who fired that shot?
There, Sally.
Right here, Sally.
Here we start.
Perfect.
No, over here, Sally.
Sally.
That's it fella.
That's it.
No, over here.
The finale, Sally.
Right there, that's it.
Ah!
There she... there she is.
Maybe they shot each other!
Open this door!
It's Simon Legree.
Think, Little Eva,
think of something now.
Let me in.
Get Sally.
Come on, Sally.
Open this door.
How can they when
they shot each other?
Come on, open that door.
- You be a good girl, now.
- Put your head up here.
- Put your head up here.
- Don't move, Sally, please.
Here, here.
Listen...
Let me in!
Now get out of my
way, I'll get in.
Ah!
Oh!
Ah, Mrs. Wilson, I'm so sorry.
Oh!
It's all my fault.
Oh!
It's all my fault.
I should have been more careful!
What is this?
Oh, that.
Ha, ha, ha.
That... that's the
finish of our new act.
And is it a riot.
Yes, and you're causing a riot.
And besides that, I heard a shot.
A shot?
Oh yeah, that's our revolver.
We didn't know it was loaded.
Yes, but I heard it twice.
Sure, ha, ha.
We had to fire it twice to be sure
that it wasn't loaded once.
Are you sure that it's empty now?
Oh, sure.
Show her.
Ah!
Oh!
Why, Mrs...
Oh!
Mrs Wilson.
Ah, I've been shot!
Oh, listen, it was
only a blank cartridge.
You just got the wadding.
The wadding, uh?
I want you to quit making
a shooting gallery
out of my hotel.
Yes, Mrs. Wilson.
What was that?
Oh that, ha, ha.
That's my partner.
You know, that's another
part of our act, uh...
Oink, oink.
Oink!
Now you see?
Oink!
Well, what was that?
Oink, oink.
Oink, oink.
Oink.
Oink, oink.
Oh, he's playing a seal is he?
Uh, yeah.
He's, uh, Ha!
Sewing him up this,
and shut him up.
Or I will.
No, you go.
I'll keep him quiet.
Oink, oink.
Well, he's got to be quiet.
Oink, oink, oink.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, rehearsal's over.
I don't think she likes our act.
It certainly looks fishy to me.
What did you do with the bucket?
The bucket?
Yes,
But I... er, say, ahem.
You're keeping
something undercover.
Oh!
Oops!
Oh, in heaven's
name, what is that?
Oh, that's a sea-going
carnivorous mammal.
A what?
Just plain seal to
you, Mrs. Wilson.
Well, whatever it is,
get it out of here.
Oh, but Mrs. Wilson,
Sally is an artist,
brought from the wilds of
Oklahoma at terrific expense
in order to make her New York
debut at the Eldridge Theater.
I don't care if
she makes her debut
at the Metropolitan Opera House.
I'll give you to 6:00
o'clock to pack up her things
and get her out of here.
Oh!
Go to your rooms!
Did he say the Eldridge Theater?
Eldridge Theater?
Why that place is haunted.
I wouldn't work in that
spook trap for $1,000 a week.
Say, for $1,000 a week,
I'd play in a mousetrap.
Well, here we are.
Goodie, goodie.
Hey, hey, they're
opening next week.
They must be in rehearsal.
Yeah, it's a good
thing we got here, huh?
Are you sure you know the manager?
Know him?
Ha!
We're just like this.
Well, I'll go in with you.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
Uh, you stay here, because
we went to the stage
and give Sally our grand entrance.
OK.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, it's a girl's show.
Hey, where is everybody?
How should I know?
What was that?
Oh, that's a door.
Huh!
I knew it all the time.
Hey, wait a minute.
No.
We've got to find this guy.
Say listen, are you kidding?
Kidding?
This is important
business with me.
This is my livelihood!
I don't like the
looks of this place.
Let's get out of here.
Well, we've got to find Eldridge.
Can't we use the phone?
Oh, shut up!
There must be someone around here.
Hello!
Hello.
Get down, there.
Who was that?
Why, that's you.
But I'm down here.
Of course you are.
Then how did I get up there?
That's your voice, that's an echo.
Well, how did my
voice get up there?
Here, I'll show you.
Ta da da da da da da da da.
The king!
Shh!
You must be very quiet
during the performance.
Ha, ha!
Shh!
You get down.
Get down.
Isn't he magnificent?
Yeah.
He's colossal.
He's positively invisible.
Bravo.
Bravo!
Has he finished?
Yes.
Just listen to that audience!
They're going crazy.
They're going crazy?
Yes.
Bravo.
Get down, Roger.
Bravo!
Come on, men.
Ah, there ain't nobody here.
Ole, Ole!
Oh, ho, Ole!
Ole!
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute here.
Come on, get up
from there, will ya?
Is he... is he demented?
No.
We're all right.
Come on, Roger.
Quiet.
Wait a minute, I'm all right.
Why don't you be calm, like me?
Has he gone?
Yeah.
You know, for... for a
moment, I thought it was us.
Wasn't it?
Of course not!
Oh!
Ole.
What?
I don't feel so good.
I feel something coming over us.
So so I.
Ghosts!
Barricade that door.
Get some furniture, hurry up!
Help me.
Are you Mr. Eldridge?
I'm not Mr. Eldridge.
Don't tell me
you're Mrs. Eldridge?
I'm Mr. Bailey.
Not Barnum and Bailey?
Well, I've got the
greatest thing that...
Wait a minute!
Wait.
I own this theater.
I'm Miss Eldridge.
Ha, ha, ha.
We found an Eldridge.
Why Miss Eldridge, we've travelled
1,000 miles to see you.
I have a letter of
introduction here
from a friend...
that is, I did have.
Hey, you've got it.
I've got it?
No, you've got it.
Wait a minute, I put it
right in your vest pocket.
Hey, wait a minute.
You've got it down here.
I saw a little white...
Now, it's over here.
I put it in this
pocket, right down here.
Hey, wait it... it's down here.
I put it down here.
Hey, give me that letter.
I...
It ain't funny, already.
Give me that letter, will you?
Come on!
Listen.
Hey, wait a minute.
I... I know I put it
in here, I tell ya!
I put it in there!
Stop, will ya?
Stop!
Will ya please stop!
Maybe he's got it.
Oh!
Oh!
Stop!
This is no laughing matter.
Never mind the letter.
What do you want?
We want to show you the
eighth wonder of the world.
And it's not on a postcard.
No, in the flesh.
Stupendous, dynamic,
why she's colossal!
What?
Seeing is believing.
Yes, and we'll prove ya.
Come on, Ole, let's show 'em.
Wait here.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back, all right?
Stay right there.
Now do you understand why I want
you to give up this theater?
It's overrun with
echoes and lunatics!
Dad built this old theater.
It was his whole life.
I don't believe he would
want me to give it up.
Probably not.
He was a showman,
not a businessman.
Yet, if he knew the
trouble it would cause you,
he'd want you to dispose of it.
Somehow, I think he'd
rather have me keep it open,
with a show.
And you know, if I had
a hit, I could pay back
all the money I've
borrowed from you.
A hit in this jinxed house?
Joan, let me try to
get rid of the theater
before you lose everything
to your creditors.
Think it over, my dear.
Lady, you're now going
to really hear something.
Yes, ma'am.
Presenting Sally, the only
singing seal in captivity.
Born on Christmas Day!
Yeah.
Ha, ha, ha.
She's a Christmas seal.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Get over here and sit
down at the piano.
Now do your stuff.
Play it like it
never played before.
Me me me me me me me.
La la la la la la la la.
Sally, please sing.
Come on.
Oh, Sally, this is
your favorite tune.
Come on.
Sally, you can't let us down now.
And just when we got a
chance to get into a big show.
Wait a minute, boys.
You're wasting your time.
I haven't any show.
What?
There hasn't been a show in
this theater for two years.
Yeah, but we saw
a sign downstairs...
What about those
billboards outside?
Oh, those are the old
Ramsey Taylor show.
Oh, ha, ha.
Old Ramsey Taylor.
Hey, we know him well, don't we?
Oh.
We're just like brothers.
Ramsey Taylor's dead.
- Dead?
- Certainly.
Don't you remember?
He wrote and told us all about it?
It's too bad.
He was murdered two years
ago during a dress rehearsal...
right in this room,
on that very spot.
Oh!
Come on, let's get out of here.
No wonder Sally
wouldn't sing in here.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
Noises frighten me.
Oh, for a boiler factory.
What?
Ha, ha.
I said, I'm sorry
noises frighten you.
And I'm sorry I've
wasted all your time.
But I like the pretty noises
you made on the piano.
Well, then it wasn't a waste.
I met you and you like my music.
More noise?
Have you more?
A whole portfolio full of
noise, practically bedlam.
Give me bedlam.
Hey, is this your car?
No.
Oh, oh, the car.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
We...
Why certainly it's our car.
You don't suppose
for one minute we'd
be driving a car that
doesn't belong to us, do you?
Certainly it's our car.
We've had the car
for over 10 years.
It's a little thing we
whipped up ourselves.
Don't you know enough not
to park next to a fire plug?
Now get out of here before
I give you a ticket.
Yes, officer.
Well, you heard what he said.
Get out of here.
Yeah, but I don't know
how to drive a car.
Well, you're going to learn fast.
Shh!
Oh, boys, I have a letter for you.
Thanks.
Oh, that's swell.
I wonder if it introduces me?
Here, come on.
Thank you.
Uh...
Come on, let's get upstairs.
Yeah, thanks.
You're... you're welcome.
Mamie!
Listen, you know those
two new boarders?
Yes.
They just came
into a lot of money.
How do you know?
Well, uh, well, you know,
they dropped a letter.
And I couldn't help but read it.
How much did they get?
I don't know.
Well, we've got to find out!
All right, come on, come on.
What's the bad news?
Hey, listen.
They've sold our filling station.
How much?
$150.
We're rich, Ole!
We're rich!
We're rich!
There, what did I tell you?
Shh!
What's the matter now?
You know, something
seems to tell me
we shouldn't have
sold our business.
Now we've got nothing.
Shame on ya.
Shame on ya!
We're worth over $1 million.
$1 million?
Yes!
You wouldn't take a half a
million for your half of Sally
- would ya?
- No.
Neither would I.
You're right.
You're right!
We're worth exactly one million,
one hundred and fifty dollars!
Ha, ha.
And $0.17.
$1 million!
Girls, girls, come quickly.
I have something to tell ya.
$1 million!
What?
$1 million.
Boys, I tell ya, this
show of mine's a knockout.
Miss Eldridge is crazy about it.
It was made to order for Sally.
We'll make her a
sensation overnight.
I can see it now, her name
on Broadway, in lights.
How big?
That big!
Oh, no.
What do you think we are?
No.
Well, what's the matter?
It's not big enough.
All right, then, that big.
That's more like it.
What do you say, boys?
Are you with us?
Well, it sounds OK to me.
Wait a minute!
Don't jump at collusions.
Are you sure Sally will
get the starring part?
Why, the show was
written around her.
It's a water carnival.
Now fellas, uh, I hate to...
Come on, speak up.
We're with ya.
Yeah, Come on.
Don't be afraid.
We're regular fellas.
Well, you know it will, uh,
it will take a little money.
Oh, well, we got a little money.
Certainly.
We're gamblers.
We're sports.
What do you think we are?
We'll do anything for Sally.
We'll put Sally over, it
it costs us every cent.
Oh, ho.
It won't take that much.
Besides, with you fellas
in our organization, why,
we can get unlimited credit.
Brother, we're in.
Oh, thanks!
I'll run in front of
Miss Eldridge right away.
Yes, and I'll ride along, too.
What do you think of that?
Oh, that's swell.
- Thanks, boys!
- All right.
So long.
Hey, we're booked!
We're booked!
Let's tell Sally!
Hey, Sally, Sally, Sally!
Sally, you're going to be a star!
You're going to be a star!
Hey, wait a minute.
Are you caught?
No, my foot itches.
Aw!
Come on!
We got to go inform!
Good morning, good morning.
Hello there.
Good morning.
Get a little good
mornings, everybody.
Good morning.
Boys, I'm sorry you
missed Joan's routine.
Oh, that's all right.
We'll see it later.
Just think, we're
entertaining the press.
Good!
Yes, and we had
better get in there,
or they'll be getting restless.
Don't worry about that,
we've got a lot of business
to do right now.
Gentlemen!
Morning, good morning.
Uh, may I have just a
moment of your time?
Hey, we got nothing but time.
Yeah, but hurry up,
I'll tell that right now.
Uh, would you just
sign this order?
It's going to be...
Wait a minute!
Let me do it.
It's my turn.
Uh, why you put two crosses.
That's right.
We have twice as
much coming today.
Oh, uh, boys, boys, uh, rush.
But, uh, hey, listen.
What's... uh, what's this for?
Oh this?
Why, I'm going to
fashion this after a copy
of the gown worn by
the Empress Josephine.
Josephine?
Yes.
Uh, yes.
Now, uh, uh, to begin with, we're
going to absolutely no back,
very daring, of course.
Now across the
shoulders, we're going
to have little baby pearls.
Ahem.
Then the mother pearls, of course,
will slowly uh, descend to the,
uh... now the bodice, the bodice
is going to be,
uh, very, uh, snug.
Now to reveal the alluring
curves of the feminine body,
ha, ha, uh, we're
going to have, um,
some gold, uh, cloth, you see?
Sort of folding very beautifully
into the very first flounce.
Ahem.
Then you see, we'll
have the, uh, pleats.
Now we will have them... we
will have the pleats... ha,
ha... we'll have pictures he
made of the black, or possibly
brown, or, uh, of blue, of
the satin that's cut on, uh,
the bias.
The what?
Uh, on the... uh, satin that's
cut on the... on the bias.
Ha, ha.
That's very reasonable,
don't you think so?
Uh, cut, uh... say, what's
the matter with him?
Hey, uh, what... what is the bias?
Explain to me, what's the bias?
Why, the bias is
the material, um...
now, of course, I
don't know just...
Well, do you use the bias?
I don't know just how many yards
we'll, uh... the bodice, of
course, will take 12 yards.
Then from the bodice down
to the first flounce,
we say will be 24.
24, 24... that'll be 35.
That would be 40 or 42.
42, 55... 68!
Screen-o.
I... I... I have
never really been...
Please!... So humiliated
in all my life!
Haven't you gone yet?
Go one, get going!
Money is no object.
I... leaving everything to me,
everything on my shoulders!
What do you know
about this Bailey?
I don't know anymore
about it than you do.
You've been passing out my
dough like it was peanuts.
I invest $30,000 in
here, just because you
were going to get me the theater.
And what happens?
Here they are,
rehearsing under my nose.
What happens if the
show makes a hit?
Miss Eldridge pays off those
loans, so where do I stand?
I'm so surprised, you could
knock me over with a feather.
I could.
But I'm not going
to be so delicate.
How are you, Mr. Bailey?
How are you?
Ha, ha.
Hey, is he tickled to see you.
How are the two oil millionaires?
Ah, marvelous!
Generous to a fault.
It must be grand to be rich.
I think ya got something there.
Oh!
Where's Miss Eldridge?
Miss Eldridge?
She's in the office entertaining
the gentlemen of the press.
Bailey!
What are those two
guys doing here?
They're here to meet
those two millionaires.
Gee, Ole, wouldn't it be
marvelous to be a millionaire?
Ah, millionaire!
To travel to all the ends of
the world, live at the Ritz!
And have breakfast in bed.
Breakfast in bed.
Say, by the way, you
owe me a half a dollar.
Where is it?
Oh, you're not going to forget
that $0.50 I owe you, are you?
Why should I forget it?
You owe it to me, don't ya?
I got a little surprise for ya.
Yeah?
See that spoon?
Shame on you.
You know, you can
go to penitentiary
for stealing spoons?
Hey, you know you can get
$1.00 for that at any pawn shop?
Well, what's that got
to do with anything?
You know you can get $1.00 for
that spoon at any pawn shop?
Well, what's that got to do
with the $0.50 you owe me?
Oh, I... I owe you $0.50?
Yes.
Here.
Now you owe me $0.50.
Yeah?
Well here.
Now we're even.
All right, boys, enjoy yourself.
I'll be back in just a minute.
OK.
Mr. Bailey!
Hello, Joan.
Celebration?
We're entertaining
members of the press.
Ahem!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Joan, you know Pete Phillips?
Why, yes.
How do you do?
Aren't you the gentleman who
wanted to buy my theater?
Yes.
You haven't changed
your mind, have you?
I should say not.
I have a hit on my hands.
She hopes she has a hit.
Make yourselves at home, will you?
- Thank you, Joan.
- Now wait a minute.
Don't try to make a touch.
We got to make a hit
for these millionaires.
Don't worry, please.
When I get through
with them, they'll
give me an oil well
all for myself.
Hey, wait a minute.
Fix your tie here, huh?
Oh, fix your own tie!
You ready?
Yeah.
Boys, the press want to
meet the backers of the show.
I'm for that.
Sure, why not?
Gentlemen, we're
going to drink a toast.
Yeah, let's drink to the
petroleum twins... chumps!
Yeah, tell 'em who
the backers are,
why they're spending
all this dough.
Gentlemen, to the two men who
have made all this possible,
the backers of our show,
Mr. Olsen and Mr. Johnson.
Boys, you're gamblers.
I hope you make a million.
Yeah, let's have another drink.
I need it.
No, no.
Listen, wait, wait, wait.
We've got to go out
an get Sally a drink.
Hey, listen!
Wait a minute.
You know, I like you fellas.
You don't pretend to be
anything but what ya really are.
Yeah, especially if ya ain't.
Yeah.
He's always clowning.
Ha, ha, ha.
Don't look now, but we're supposed
to be the millionaires.
Are we?
Oh, we haven't got a cent.
Gee, I'm all confused.
Yeah.
They're all confused.
Well, their word
is as good as ours.
Oh!
Where ya going?
I'm going back and stop them
before they spend $1 million
we haven't got.
Broke again.
Oh!
All right, hurry,
hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
It's just starting, folks,
it's just commencing,
the greatest show on the Midway.
32 spectacular attractions
combined in one great show.
Over here, let me call your
attention to the Wiggley
Sisters and their troop of
saucy island dancing girls.
All right, come on,
get out of my way!
Come on, Phillips.
Stop them, get away, and
clear out of here, everybody!
As for you, your goose is cooked!
What goose?
Aw, now what?
Oh, Mr. Bailey,
what's the matter?
Plenty.
Those men are impostors.
Your two oil millionaires haven't
an oil can between them.
"Investigated thoroughly.
Olsen and Johnson
own no oil property.
Left Gusherville
owing everybody."
Posted, detective agency.
- I don't believe it.
- No, you don't.
No, you don't.
Come on, get out of here.
Never mind, get up, come on.
Get in there.
What's the idea?
There they are.
Ask them.
Why did you do this to me, boys?
We never told anybody
that we were millionaires.
Ha, ha.
You see, Don said the show
needed a little money.
Yeah, and we had a little money.
Yes, about that a little.
Let's take it out of their hides!
Yeah!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
It's not their fault, it's ours
for jumping at conclusions.
Oh, stop this chatter.
Throw those hams
out of my theater.
What business is it of yours?
Because, I gave him the
money you've been living on.
Is this true?
It is if can prove it.
But the theater is in my
name, and I'm taking over.
What?
Come on, get out, everybody!
I got ya.
OK.
I'll be seeing you later, Bailey.
You can't pay the
money you owe me,
so get these people
off my property.
And I thought you were my friend.
I could kill you!
And I'd like to do it for you.
Wait a minute, Don, wait a minute.
Let me do it.
Let me do it.
I'd like to kill him once for you.
I'll kill ya myself,
that's what I'll do.
You can do this to that woman!
I'll take ya, strangled ya to
death, that's what I'll do!
You... Ole, Ole, come on, Ole.
Come on.
Why you dirty... I'll murder
the guy here in stealth view!
See, that's what I'll do!
I'll kill him,
that's what I'll do.
Hey, hey, hey.
Why didn't you hit him?
Well, I just didn't want to
start a scene, that's all.
Get 'em outta here,
and save what you can.
Girls, take those costumes
right off, immediately.
You're all fired.
Ahem.
Uh, uh, be careful
with them, girls, too.
Now listen...
Well, that's that.
We're closed before we opened.
That ends it.
We're through.
Through nothing!
We're just beginning.
We'll open this show
and pay that baboon off!
Hey everybody, wait!
Come here and listen to me.
Come here, everybody.
Hurry up!
This ape is trying to
take your jobs away,
foreclosing on Miss Eldridge just
because she owes
him a few nickles.
If you close this
show now, you won't
get a dime for your
sets of costumes.
Let's go on with it, and
you'll get paid off in full.
Suppose the show is a flop?
Well, take a look at it.
Give the girls a chance.
Don't listen to him.
You want to lose all your money?
No, no, no, no.
Well, we'll get her a chance.
What do you say?
It's all right with me.
All right, then, we'll look at it.
Come on, let's go.
Oh...
All right, everybody.
Now on your toes.
This has got to be good!
Places.
Joan, they're going
to give us a chance.
Then we're not fired?
Of course, you're not fired.
You're going to make
this a show a hit!
OK, get everything in place.
Hurry up!
You fellas are wasting your time.
Well, it's our time.
We can do with it as we
please, can't... what are you
talking about, wasting our time?
All set?
Yeah, all set.
All right, folks.
Do your best.
Hark ye, hark ye, hark ye.
Friends, for our first
feature this evening
we present that stellar
attraction, Olsen
and Johnson and Sally, the
one and only singing seal!
Well, Johnny, how
do you feel today?
Oh, I feel all right, Ole.
Oh, what's the idea
of the hangover?
Ah, you didn't get
home last night, huh?
I'm supposed to say that.
Yeah, well why don't you say it?
You're supposed to say it for me.
Well, that's what
I'm trying to do.
Well, I'm the dummy.
No one's disputing that.
And if you're going to
continue sitting on my knee,
you had better
change your tactics.
What?
I say you better
change your tactics.
Well, where would I bleed?
Oh!
Where would I...
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
as our concluding number,
we will smoke a
cigarette, sing a song,
and drink a glass of water
all at the same time,
simultaneously.
You will double-cross me, will ya?
You will double-cross me!
Ain't we got blood?
Sally, the one
and only singing seal!
Hey, what do you
think about it, Bailey?
Bailey?
Oh, let bygones be bygones.
Bailey?
Something's the matter.
Bailey!
What's the matter?
Oh, I don't know.
What a time!
Wait, wait.
What's the matter, now?
There's been an accident.
What happened to Bailey?
He's been shot.
Shot?
Yes, and he's dead!
Oh!
He's been murdered, the old man.
Look, Ole, we knocked
him out of his seat.
Quiet.
All right, now stay back!
Stay back!
That man's been shot.
Shot?
I'll bet I know who did it.
Who?
Sally.
Sally?
I saw her beat it, and she
had a guilty look
on her conscience.
I know, you forgot to
unload that gun again!
Did I?
Gun.
Yes, and we've got to
get rid of that gun quick.
Hide it.
No, you hide it.
Poor Sally.
Oh!
Hey, what's the matter?
Oh, you didn't see what I saw.
Ah!
Hey.
What are you doing?
I'm putting the gun in the fish.
Now remember, mum's the word,
and keep your mouth shut!
I'm going to get the police.
Yes, that's a good idea.
Go on.
Now then, there ain't no need
of all getting het up here.
There's been a murder committed,
and the law demands payment.
A killer is right here, because
all the exits except the stage
door were locked from the inside.
Now here we are, and here we
stay, until I finish my job,
if it takes all winter!
Now someone killed Bailey.
Who did it?
All right, speak up, who did it?
Where's the guilty one?
If you don't talk,
I'll be compelled
to use sterner methods.
Hm!
Hey, you want to try it?
Take my end.
What do you know about this?
About what?
The murder.
Oh, well, you see...
Hey, listen Officer, we don't
know anything about this.
Where were you when
Bailey was shot?
Shot?
I thought they found
him out in the alley
with a knife in his hand.
Who do you think poisoned him?
I don't know, who?
Nobody, he hung himself.
Yeah, but how do you
know he hung himself?
How do I know?
Why the gas jet was wide open.
Well, was there much gas?
Much gas?
He was cut from ear to ear.
Yeah, but did he bleed much?
Every bone in his body was broke.
He'd been in the
water over 76 hours.
Yeah, but was he dead?
He was awful wet.
I know, but was he dead?
I don't know, he's going to phone
and let me in the morning.
Personally, I think
it was suicide.
Suicide?
Wait a minute.
Don't forget that I
know a few things, too.
Yeah, well I know
as few as you do.
Now look here!
We're going to stay here all night
until I find out who shot Bailey.
Call me at 7:00, will you?
You don't happen to have
a pair of pajamas on you?
Yes.
No!
Y... you can't let me in?
I got in there!
This is of grave importance.
Inspector.
Inspector, I don't know
whether this means anything
or not, but just before Bailey was
killed I was at the stage door.
Yes, yes?
Well, two men came in, and
one of them had a machine gun.
What did they look like?
Uh, th... they were about this
tall, and had long, red beards,
and they flew way out
over the audience.
What?
Why are you...
Shh!
Get down.
Get down!
Look at that.
Come on, Roger.
Come on.
Come on!
Stop!
McKee, they thing this is a joke.
I'll lock them all up!
It's up to us.
Poor Sally.
Hey, Chief, you can't do this.
And I don't want any
more of your double talk.
We want to confess.
Confess?
Sally did it.
Sally?
Who's Sally?
Oh, she works in the act.
Oh, your girlfriend, eh?
You've been keeping
her undercover.
What does she look like?
Aw, she's got the most
beautiful brown eyes.
And the smoothest
skin you've ever saw.
Naw, how tall is she?
Oh, she's about that
tall, siting down.
Standing up?
When we give her a fish,
she comes up to there.
She wouldn't, by any chance, have
a long, red beard down to there?
No.
But she's got whiskers like that.
Ha, ha, ha.
Say, are you trying to kid me?
There might be something
in what they say, Inspector.
Sally is a seal in their act.
And she did fire a gun.
Where is it?
I hid it.
McKee, don't let
anyone leave here.
Right.
Take me to it.
No, Sally!
No!
No, no, no.
No.
Oh!
What is it now?
Sally swallowed the evidence.
Oh, she did, did she?
Well, that isn't gonna stop me.
I'm going to take that
seal to the hospital.
And for your sake, boys,
she better have the gun.
And while we're there,
I'm going to put
you under observation, too.
Hey, Murphy.
Hey, Murphy, you're not going
to let 'em operate on Sally,
- are you?
- Give us a break, won't you?
A break?
Yeah.
Look at that trusting face.
Look at those innocent eyes.
I tell ya, I gotta find that gun.
Oh, we'll find that gun for you.
How?
Leave it us.
Sally will give us
anything she's got.
Whoa!
Oh, oh!
Whoa!
Oh!
I wonder what's become of Sally?
She's gone for another ride.
Oh, oh boy.
Where's Inspector Murphy?
He's coming.
Why, Inspector Murphy.
Oh, it isn't what you think it is.
Those birds gave
me the run-around.
That seal didn't have any gun.
Oh, we found the gun.
You did?
But it didn't kill Bailey.
It wasn't the right caliber.
Then I want to talk to that girl.
Where is she?
In the office with her boyfriend.
I'll go to her.
Uh-uh, this way.
Mm, mm, oh!
What are they doing?
Let's find out.
Just a moment,
what's going on here?
Nothing's going on.
It's going off.
We're shipping
everything out of here.
Oh, have a heart, old man.
How do you expect
us to put on a show
without costumes or scenery?
Why don't you broadcast it?
You know, radio.
Radio?
Radio.
Radio!
Radio.
Radio!
I'm sorry, lady.
It's...
Will you stop it?
I've got to get out of here.
Oh!
Oh, for Lord's sake.
Uh!
You mugs.
Now who are we going to see?
The head man.
And nobody else will do.
Good.
If he turns us down,
that will be final.
Uh.
Oh, of all the voices
I've ever heard!
But Mr. MacDougal!
Oh, shot her off.
Shut her off!
Yes, but Mr. MacDougal.
Oh!
But Mr. MacDougal, she...
she was sent to us by...
Listen, I want the Cokes people
to buy MacDougal's Mackerels,
not frighten them into it.
Yes, but Mr. MacDougal,
now if you'd please be calm.
Calm?
Listen, I'm selling
MacDougal's Mackerels.
I need a program,
something startling.
A slap bang slogan.
Well, we've got it.
What do you think of that?
MacDougal's Mackerel makes a
marvelous meal for millions.
Who are you?
Well, we're not Amos and Andy.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, no, Listen, we'll
give you an audition.
Cute?
That's just a sample.
He's a genius.
He can play anything!
I've got a million of 'em.
What will ya have?
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
I beg your pardon?
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Yeah.
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Would you recognize
it if you heard it?
Yes!
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Give me another A.
Give me a long A.
Is that long enough?
You heard what he said, didn't ya?
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Oh!
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Yes, and I'm going
to play it for him.
What do ya think of that?
It's there somewhere, but you'll
have to pick it out yourself.
Rachmaninoff's prelude.
Yes!
When am I going to hear it?
Right now!
We'll make it up as we go along.
Rachmaninoff's prelude
, it's Rachmaninoff's prelude.
And when it comes to preludes,
that is quite a dish.
Jonah's in a whale,
Jonah's in a whale.
I can't remember 30
days has September,
but I never can
forget MacDougal fish.
Hey, hey, what's this?
What's this?
Hey, what's this?
What is it?
That's a school of little minnows.
But just give
me MacDougal's Mackerel,
the health food with a punch.
Oh, it's MacDougal's Mackerel
for dinner and for lunch.
Now doctors come and doctors
go, but nothing is ever wrong.
Vicious kings so loudly sing
MacDougal's Mackerel song.
Oh, MacDougal's Mackerels...
You can swallow the
fish and never taste it!
You know the funny...
Well, how did you like it?
I think it's terrible.
Hey!
Oh!
Is he a tough guy
to sell an act to.
Yeah, to sell him anything,
you'd have to commit a murder.
You're right!
If it was your
murder, I'd go for it!
Oh, boy!
We've got a murder.
What?
Bailey, at the Eldridge Theater.
What has that got to do with
the MacDougal's Mackerels?
Oh, boy!
What a tie-up.
Our seal...
And your face.
Why, you tie up with that theater,
it means publicity
you couldn't buy.
Who cares about
the jinxed theater?
What the public wants to know
is who committed the murder?
We know who did it.
What?
You know who the murderer is?
Why, just wait a
minute, wait a minute.
You took his words
right out of my mouth.
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
That we're going to disclose
the murderer on your broadcast,
produce him on the air!
Sure!
Millions of people
with their ears to the radio.
While, for the first time,
there is broadcasted from any
program the identity
of the murderer
from the scene of the crime!
And brought to you
through the courtesy of...
MacDougal's Mackerels.
Now, I told you to
keep it down, like that.
All right, let's
get ready for a test.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.
Sour pickles, milk.
Pickles?
Milk?
Pickles and milk?
Why, this is a Mackerel program.
I know, but we're
just testing the mic.
OK, George?
Swell.
What are we going to do, Ole?
We don't know who the murderer is.
Well, let's tell them the
truth and face the music.
Oh, Don, we...
Don't tell me a thing.
I was never so glad to
see anybody in my life.
Yes.
He was worried, afraid
you wouldn't show up.
Well, why didn't you tell 'em.
Oh, I didn't have a chance.
Ole, Ole!
Ha!
We've got a packed house for once.
Hey, you!
Come here.
What are you two
guys trying to do?
Make monkeys out of
the police department?
Oh, no, sir.
Come clean, lugs.
Who committed this murder?
Well, you see, we...
Just remember, that if
you know and haven't tipped
off the police department,
you're guilty of a felony.
What's that?
A felony?
Obstructing justice, aiding
and abetting a criminal.
7 to 14 years.
7, that's 7, 8, 9,
10, 11... 14 years.
Ah, ha!
That's a long time, isn't it?
7 to... 7 to 14.
Ha, ha.
Inspector, I'm surprised at you!
A man of your intelligence
to fall for a gag like that.
Ha!
We have no idea who
the murderer is.
Oh!
Don't say that I didn't warn ya.
I should not.
I'll tell everybody.
Don't worry about that, officer.
Look, why did you tell him that?
Why, Mr. MacDougal!
What a night, what a crowd!
And when we get through, we
will have MacDougal's Mackerel
on the tip of everybody's tongue.
Now listen, you crooks.
You promised me the murderer and
you're coming through with him.
Understand?
If you don't, I'll have ya jailed
for taking money
under false pretenses.
Now, Mr. MacDougal, you
don't mean to think that you...
I just heard you admit
you had no idea who it was.
We don't.
What?
We don't think that
it's necessary to tell
the police all of our business.
I put $50,000 into this broadcast.
I've advertised it
all over the country.
If you make MacDougal's
Mackerels a laughingstock,
why, I'll break every
bone in your body.
I tell you...
Oh, no.
MacDougal, wait a minute.
The boys know what they're doing.
They say they'll produce
the murderer, and they will.
Won't you boys?
Yeah, we know who he is.
We know where he is.
We've got our thumb
on him all the time.
Which thumb?
Hey, come on.
We'll just get back...
I don't care...
Listen, every... everything's
going to be all right.
I tell you, I don't...
Now what are we going to do?
We're going to take the
first bus out of town.
But we haven't got any money.
Then we had better
walk, because we
can't hang around here.
Yeah, but I hate walking.
I've got an idea.
You killed Bailey.
Did I?
When?
No, well, you really
didn't kill him.
You're going to
pretend that you did.
Well, I didn't do it.
I know it.
But they can't prove it.
Of course, they can't prove it.
I think you got something there.
Come over here.
I'll tell ya just what to say.
I'll try to make it a
little bit more simple.
All you've got to do, I take
you in front of the microphone
and you say, I killed
him, because he was a rat.
And I'd do it all over again.
But I didn't kill him.
I know you didn't kill him.
You're just going to
pretend that you killed him.
Now try it again.
I killed him, because
I'm a rat and I'll...
Now, no.
You're not the rat, he's the rat.
Can't we both be rats?
No.
OK, say I killed him.
I killed him.
There, that's it.
But I didn't do...
No.
Wait a minute.
Hey, try this.
I...
- I...
- ...killed
...killed
...him...
- ...him...
- ...because...
- ...because...
- ...he...
- ...he...
- ...was...
- ...was...
- ...a...
a...
rat.
Rat.
That's it.
Now try it.
I killed him, because I'm a rat.
And I'll do it again...
No.
Watch me.
I killed him,
because he was a rat.
And I would do it all over again.
Oh!
You killed him.
Well, it's OK with me.
Come on.
No!
Oh, I don't want to do it.
You've got me all mixed up.
Oh, well, well, try it once again.
Once again.
He killed me, because I was
a rat, and I'll do it again.
No, no, no, no.
All you've got to say
is, I killed Bailey.
I refuse to talk.
You refuse?
I refused to talk.
That's what I did.
Are you Olsen Johnson?
Sure.
Headquarters.
The Chief detailed
me to look after you
boys till after the broadcast.
Well, what for?
We didn't do anything.
Are you aware of the fact
that your lives are in danger?
You know that you're the only two
men on earth who know
who killed Bailey?
Yes.
Us and the guy that
really killed him.
Yes, and he's possibly out
to get you before you have
an opportunity to
broadcast that fact.
Why, you never told me that!
Shh!
Now listen, the Chief it
sitting over there in the car,
and he wants to talk
it over with ya.
Oh, sure.
Sure, why not?
We'd be delighted.
There's no Chief in here.
Here's the Chief, and
he speaks six languages.
Get in there!
Come on, get in and quit
monkeying around about it.
I tell you, I don't
trust them all.
I'm sorry, folks, but
we have to go on the air.
All right, places, everybody.
Places!
MacDougal's Mackerels presents
the MacDougal's Theater
of the Air.
The curtain rises on one of
the most thrilling and unusual
broadcasts in radio history.
You are to be witnesses
in the actual apprehension
of a desperate criminal.
A murder was committed
in this very theater.
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
sometime during the next 30
minutes, the mystery of
this ruthless killing
will be solved here on this
stage before your very eyes.
Hey, Mary, it might
be on the level.
They're putting up
policemen at every door.
Come on, you lugs!
Uh, huh.
Well, here they are.
Step into the waiting room, gents.
Come on, boys, get going.
Come on.
Well, glad to see ya.
Gentlemen, you'll
live to regret this.
Ha, ha.
You should be so lucky.
Yeah.
Sit down.
You ain't going nowhere.
Yeah, go on, sit down.
Make yourself at home.
Now where's Spike?
He's bringing in their baby.
Baby?
Yeah.
What am I supposed to
do with that sea serpent?
How should I know?
It went with the job.
You can keep it for a pet.
Ah.
Baby, huh?
OK, Slug.
We delivered the goods
to ya, they're yours.
Can I do it now?
Now, don't get over anxious.
The boss will phone ya when.
Sure he's got the number?
Why, sure.
Come on, my work's done.
Come on.
Oh, say... now, just
be comfortable, boys.
It, uh, it won't be long.
Say, do neither of you
guys play, uh, checkers?
Yeah, I do.
Oh, that's great.
Well, we'll just have a game
here all by ourselves, then!
Have you seen Olsen and Johnson?
Yeah, they went out in the
alley a few minutes ago.
Were they alone?
No.
They took that sea
beast with them.
Not so good.
Well, your move.
There.
Hey, no kibitzing there.
Oh, no, sir.
No, sir.
Hey, you can't do that!
Make a move, then
make it back again.
Yeah, but he didn't take
his nose of the checker.
Yes, he did.
No, he didn't.
Well, he did too.
He didn't!
I say he did!
Yeah.
He did.
Ah, what is this?
That's the boss.
Now don't move nothing!
Hello, Slug?
This is Phillips.
Have you got, uh...
Yeah, they're here, all right.
All right.
Go ahead.
Take care of 'em, now.
Sure.
Well, what did he say?
He said for me to
go on with the job.
Well, go ahead and
get it over with.
Ah, like fun, I will.
You want to quit when
you're winners, huh?
Well, we won't do
anything of the kind.
Now go on, move.
Good girl, Sally.
What was that?
Oh, I just said, I hope
the game ends in a rally.
Now it's your move.
Oh!
My men, huh?
Cheating, huh?
Now I am going to carry
out the bosses orders.
Which one you guys
want to be first?
You ain't got any
preference, have you?
Aw, you wouldn't
think that you could...
Aw, get together.
We ain't got gonna draw on
straws about this, you know.
Alley-oop!
What kind of a crack was that?
Ugh!
Atta gal, Sally!
Atta gal, Sally.
Hey, how did you get
your hands untied?
Why, I've had them
untied all the time.
Well, why didn't you do something?
What?
And get shot?
Oh, here.
Untie me.
Answer that phone, and be careful.
Hello.
Hello, get me Slug, quick.
Who?
Oh, he's out.
Hurry, we've got to
get back to the theater.
You've got to confess.
Hello!
Hey, what about Sally?
We'll come back for
Sally after I confess.
Now it's every man for himself!
Tell me, tell me!
How did they get away?
Oh, I don't know.
I had 'em both dead to rights.
And you know, them guys, they got
a... uh, a trained seal with them.
And when I wasn't looking,
she snuck up in back of me
and slugged me.
You had better watch out, too.
Because she's still around here,
and she's liable to slug you.
You sap!
I've got to stop them.
Well, you know, we'll have
to make the announcement.
Well, I guess this is
the end of everything.
What are you going to say?
I killed him,
because he was a rat.
And I'll do it again.
You've got it!
Let 'em in.
Hm!
I'm a rat, and he killed
me, and I'll do it again.
What do you think of that?
He's a killer, and I'm a ratter!
Where is he?
Ladies and gentlemen,
uh, at the beginning
of this broadcast, we
promised to disclosed to you
the actual murderer
of William Bailey.
Uh, we regret that we've
been obliged to postpone
this announcement until the
finish of our broadcast.
We... but let the men
who handled this capture
tell you in their own words.
Introducing the master sleuths
of the MacDougal's Mackerel
hour, Mr. Olsen and Mr. Johnson.
Now's your chance.
Here we go.
Get in there, boys.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
And now, we would like to
have each and every one of you
cuddle close together.
We would like to have
little children run
to the protecting
arms of their mothers,
because I know that you all
have been anxiously waiting
to find out who
killed William Bailey.
Well, the time has come.
He was a rat!
No, not now.
The killer is in this theater.
He's right here!
He's on this stage, and
his name is... he was a rat!
Get him!
There goes the starter's
gun, and they're off!
In a cloud of dust, with
the killer riding the rail,
there they go around
the first turn.
The killer getting
four shots ahead!
There they go, into
the back stretch!
Get him!
Look at 'em fighting.
Fighting... it's rather hard to see
- just what's happening over here.
- Get him!
Look at 'em, fighting it out
for a blood-curdling finish!
Just a few steps behind
the killer, there they go.
Come on, play something!
My mistake, folks, my mistake.
It was just a little surprise,
because with a right cross
to the jaw, they're aiming
for the old whip master.
Then down he goes for the count!
One, two, three, four!
He's up!
At up at the count of three.
He gets his screaming
brides 19 yards...
No, please don't.
...out of the first bumper,
and then forced to punt.
The ball goes past second base
for a hit, kisses a nine ball,
and lands in the side pocket.
Through the courtesy
of MacDougal's Mackerel.
Get him!
Come on, get him, boys!
Come on!
It was a beautiful
take off, folks.
He flew through the air
with the greatest of ease,
and was just about to make a
perfect three-point landing,
when he crashed.
Through the courtesy
of MacDougal's Mackerel.
There's a lot of
excitement here tonight, folks.
And things are getting
hotter and hotter.
No, it's my mistake.
They're getting colder and colder.
Yeah, in fact, I
think it's snowing.
It is snowing.
Right.
Through the courtesy
of MacDougal's Mackerel.
Oh, what a night!
What a storm!
Storm?
It looks like an avalanche.
But does it stop us, folks?
Does it stop us?
Yes.
Er, no.
We carry on and on and on
until we cry out, excelsia!
Through the courtesy
of MacDougal's Mackerel.
There's the band, folks.
There they go.
There goes Kotchy Kobb!
There goes Rachmaninoff!
There goes Ruminoff.
There they go, they're
up... they're down.
They're moving merrily
along now, folks.
It's barrels of fun!
Ugh!
Oh!
Look!
Let me down!
I'm going to get...
Come here.
Oh, no.
Let me go.
Go back.
Stop it!
Let me go!
Oh!
Here we are, folks.
And we've got nine trenchers
on the very edge of death,
as we bring to you this
shot-by-shot description
of the battle at the
Eldridge Theater.
Through the courtesy
of MacDougal's Mackerel.
Oh, ho, ho!
Oh!
Hurry, hurry.
You've got two minutes to go.
Two minutes to go,
what a game, folks.
What a game!
The score is tied at
six all, the killer
has the ball on
the five yard line.
It's third down and five
to go for a touchdown!
Oh, and look at the blue.
They are all tensely
set, repeating in unison,
thou shalt not pass.
Thou shalt not pass!
Look, the killer is down.
He's in a huddle!
Thousands watch his plunge.
Look!
What's the matter?
I'm out of bullets.
- You're what?
- I'm out of bullets!
Oh!
The killer is going to kick!
Ugh!
Pardon me, folks, but due to
conditions over which we have
no control, we have to
interrupt our broadcast.
Uh, where was I?
The killer!
Oh, the killer.
The killer, eh?
Well, folks, we promised you
the murderer of William Bailey.
Yes, yes.
The killer.
Yes, yes, yes.
Well, he's right in this theater,
and his name is Peter
Stuyvesant Phillips.
Don!
And remember folks,
that the capture
of this villain comes to you...
Ha, ha, ha.
Through the courtesy of
MacDougal's Mackerel!
And now we'll have a few
words from the killer himself.
Hello, Ma.
I put up a heck of
a fight, but I lost.
And always remember,
folks, that our motto
is dependability.
And on next Saturday
night, at this same time,
we will return with bigger
and better surprises.
So tell everybody, spread
the news all over town!
In the meantime, this is Olsen...
And Johnson.