Alice's Restaurant (1969) - full transcript

Arlo Guthrie's song is converted into a motion picture. Arlo goes to see Alice for Thanksgivng and as a favor takes her trash to the dump. When the dump is closed, he drops it on top of another pile of garbage at the bottom of a ravine. When the local sheriff finds out a major manhunt begins. Arlo manages to survive the courtroom experience but it haunts him when he is to be inducted into the army via the draft. The movie follows the song with Arlo's voice over as both music and narration.

Then it got to be one kid.
Two kids, you're never...

- It ain't worth it.
- They have to pay you too much.

I could handle the army
better than I could two kids.

You think you can handle
the army better.

The army is
the greatest thing in the world...

- I'm a chicken.
- So am I. I'm a coward.

A devout coward.
I got a degree in cowardice.

I wouldn't kill anybody,
I don't wanna be killed.

I don't wanna go away.
I dig what I'm doing right now.

That's right, man. My heart
keeps murmuring "Don't go, don't go."

Sittin' on the bench, waitin'
on the draft board to get us registered.

I saw a thing, some drawings
and stuff, in some magazine.

A Vietcong booby trap,
or whatever they call it.

Just rappin' on each other.

You walk over it,
and you fall into these stakes...

He was stoned out of his skull.
He used to drink 11 quarts of beer.

Then he'd drink bourbon at night.

And I heard all kinds of stories.

...half an inch of steel.

You go on these things, they go right
through your foot like a shish kebab.

That ain't what I'm
worried about, it going through.

The Germans used to have
a grenade called "the castrator",

and when you stepped on it,
it went right up, you know?

It's true. I've heard stories.


Johnson, Harold J.

Didn't fill in "Reasons you may
not qualify for military service."

- I don't have any reasons.
- OK.

Next... Theotocopoulos, George.

Didn't answer "Physical characteristics
that may aid in identification."

- What's that?
- Oh, yeah.

American flag, left forearm.


Next, Guthrie, Arlo.


For "date of birth",
you put down "Scorpio".

- I want the specific date.
- OK.

What's this "Huntington's chorea"?

Incurable nerve disease.

- And you have it.
- Runs in the family.

My father has it,
and my grandmother had it.

It says "Do you know any reason why
you may not qualify for military service?"

- Not your father, not your grandmother.
- I could get it.

But you don't have it now.


"None." You'll hear from us.


Next... Gorowitz, Milton.

With the draft breathin' in my face,

I figured I'd get me
some of that deferred, preferred,

US government-inspected education.

So I rode my thumb out into the West,
to an institution of higher learnin'.

Had a nice trip.

Got in.

Time passed, and an old friend of mine
drifted into that Montana town.

He got a warm welcome from
the official local greetin' committee.

They must have liked his face.

- Hey, Roger. It's really you!
- Yeah.

What's happenin'? Seen Ray and Alice?

Yeah, they told me
you were doin' time out here.

- What are they up to?
- Buyin' a church!

- Oh! Ray turnin' religious?
- They're gonna live in it.

Hey, knock it off.

Speakin' of which,
can I crash here tonight?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

- We'll get you a room in the mornin'.
- I said knock it off!

With quieter neighbours.

- Good seein' you.
- It's good seeing you.

Stop that! Stop it this instant!

For goodness' sake, stop it!

Perhaps you'd tell me
who did write that folk junk you're playing.

I wrote it. Me.

In that case, Mr Guthrie,
there's really nothing I can teach you.

You are devoid of musical talent!

I seem to have this habit
of attracting praise.

I won't have it. Stop that.
Stop that right at this instant.

We paid your rent.

I only rented this room to your... friend
because you said you were a student.

- I am a student.
- What's that funny smell?

What funny smell?

- You Arlo Guthrie?
- Get out.

Arlo Guthrie?

- Got a search warrant?
- Shut up. We'll ask the questions.

You guys had better take a nice long leak.

Out the door.
This is none of your business.

- You know a kid named Roger Crowther?
- Huh?

- Kid you were seen talking to yesterday.
- Me?

Who else around has such
long curly locks, curly locks?

Who's Ray and Alice Brock,
Trinity Church, Housatonic, Mass?

Your friend left some things behind.

He got into some rough stuff
with a few of our good citizens last night.

We had to put him on the bus,
so we thought we'd just drop by

and let you know that we're ready
to help you too, anytime you'd like.

Hey, honey. What happened
to your long-haired girlfriend?

I was thinkin' of askin' you two for a date.

Don't rile her, Jed. Can't you tell
she just came from the beauty parlour?

Nah. They wouldn't leave it
all greasy filthy like that.

They'd have teased...

Police! The police!

You broke my window! You pay for that!


Lousy bum! You pay for this,
you hippie perversion!

I seem to have this habit
of gettin' arrested.

Left, left, left, right, left! Forward, march!

American education, Mr Guthrie,
has always dedicated itself

to the encouragement of an individual's
freedom of thought and expression.

But is punching in the window of a local
business establishment an expression...

- I did not break that window, sir.
- Someone pushed in that window.

Someone, sir,
pushed me out that window.

All right. I'll take your word for it this time.

But I am forced to put you on
conduct probation for one month, and...

Seems like schools have a habit
of dropping out around me.

Oh, children, come on!

Let me grow my little power
upon heaven and the more to glory,

and pray for me while I stand
in your presence tonight.

The Lord will look down
with his great power and rule upon

this little weak man
that you're lookin' at. Oh, children!

How bad do you wanna go to heaven?

And if you want to,
thankfully serve the Lord.

That's the whole matter today.
Now listen to me.

Like the old writer of old,
a sin to me in my hell.

We'll serve the Lord in the best manner
and the way that we know how!

Oh, children! When the angel come,
follow your redemption road!

How bad do you wanna go to heaven?
How bad do you wanna serve the Lord?

How do you want to
thankfully serve the Lord?

Oh, children! That scripture that was on
my mind a while ago is coming back now!


He that is in you, that is in the world,
is bigger than he...

I'm gonna take those crutches
off your body and your soul!

Throw away those crutches!
Come here, baby! Come on! I got ya!

Come on! To me!

Yeah! Amazing grace!

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now I'm found.

Was blind, but now I see.

Seems like Woody's road
mighta run through here sometime.

What about the army?
You're not in college now.

I don't know.

I know I just couldn't hang in there
another second, Mother.

Will you be staying here awhile?

A kid out there...

I got his stuff. I'm gonna
take it up to Ray and Alice.

See you, Woody.

- He's got a lot worse since I saw him.
- Well... let's say no better.

Good people, you know already
the reasons for which this building,

hitherto consecrated
and separated from all worldly uses,

shall be taken down
or appropriated to other purposes.

To many of you, this building has become
endeared by many sacred memories,

and you will suffer a loss and feel that
something has passed out of your lives.

Such persons will be
comforted by the assurance

that the presence of God
and the consolation of our holy religion

are not tied to any one building.

We have caused that the altar
hitherto in this church

should be carefully removed
and protected from desecration.

And this fabric accordingly
is hereby for ever secularised,

and the sentence aforesaid
is voided and revoked,

and this place, hitherto a holy place,

and sacred to the preaching
of God's holy word,

and the ministration
of his holy sacraments,

is hereby pronounced
secular and unconsecrated,

and no longer within
our canonical jurisdiction. Amen.

- Yours.
- Much obliged.

Thank you.

- Can we go now?
- No.

Let's go.


- Look at the glass!
- Yeah.


- Hey, Arlo!
- Arlo!

- How ya doin'?
- All ours!

All beautiful!


A place to be the way
we wanna be! At last!

- What more do we need?
- Amazing grace!

You haven't changed much.

You have. You're gettin' to be all there.

I remember when you ran
the library at school.

We used to come in
and take the books out just to see ya.

Well, I didn't mind.

- What's this?
- A card from Roger. He never mailed it.

- Says he'll be here around Thanksgiving.
- Hope he's OK.

You know, if we'd had
a place like this before,

he might not have drifted off.


You'll be here awhile, won't you?
Just a couple of days.

I just thought I'd bring Roger's stuff,
see how you were.

I got some soup on the stove
that's gonna be really good.

I'd like to, Alice, but I gotta get back to
New York. Play some music. See Woody.

- Got a gig?
- No, free stuff mostly.

- Gotta start somewhere.
- You get first taste.


- That's home cooking.
- Yeah.

- What's this?
- It's dinner on the house.

- What about a cheeseburger?
- Sure, if you wanna pay for it. This is free.

Hi, Reenie.

- You don't like sweets?
- I like one or two, but...

Two's plenty.

Got a handkerchief?

- Use this.
- OK.

- Reenie, how old are you?
- 17.

- 13?
- 15.

- 15 going on 14.
- OK.

Well, what do you want? I mean, Jesus...

I'm a teenybopper. I already made it with
Dick Bogardus of Raspberry Wristwatch.

This is his shirt.

And Jack Hennessy of the Unreal. And the
drummer of the Democratic Convention.

And The Wanderer, and...
lots of other big guys.

With concerts,
and record deals, and everything.


I'd like... well... you know... with you.

Cos you'll probably get to be an album.


Keep this as a souvenir.

Same as if we made it.

I just don't wanna catch your cold.

We'll get all this stuff in here, then
we'll lay something beautiful across it.

- Is that for me?
- Of course it is.


Say but I'm glad all you sinners
have come to this church

to get your corrupt souls saved!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But have you put away
the knowledge of the flesh?

- No!
- Then get aboard this great soul ship,

cos we're goin' straight up outasight
when we make this trip!

Take it up now, Paulie, take it up.

Oh, yeah. It's gonna be beautiful.

Gotta work the red in there some more.

We want those rooms real warm.


Yeah, man. Let there be light.

It's not that cold, Alice.

Thought I'd sleep with him.
All those kids in our bed.

Oh, what's wrong with...
what's wrong with here?

- Hey, Ray?
- Oh, Jesus!

Hey, Ray!



I got a call from the hospital in New York.
Shelly's gettin' out Monday.

- Somebody oughta go get him.
- How about you?

- If I don't show up at the garage Monday...
- You gotta get him.

I know that kid.
He'll be back on the scene.

- Bellevue?
- Yeah.

Hey, Shelly. How you doin'?

- Hey, man.
- Hi, Ray.

Can I talk?

Oh, yeah. She's cool. She owns the place.

I just got Shelly out this morning. I'm
gonna take him up to the church for a bit.

But his landlady locked up his mobiles -
those things he does - the big one.

He owes a coupla months' rent.
You got some bread?

- Like eight bucks?
- More like 80.


Thanks, man.

You should make it up soon.
Alice'd like that. We miss you.

Yeah, I know. I'll be up.


It's like the old days.

People drop in,
you give them everything you've got.

You're not so unusual. We used to do that.

We used to do that,
all of us in the movement.


Would you believe it?

Woody still owes me for a train ticket
out of town I bought him once.

I believe it.


Girdles feel funny.

You don't find me attractive?

No, I don't.

I don't find you
much of a performer, either.

That's cool. You got it out straight.

And so did I.

I played out my two weeks,

took a pair of hand-tooled boots
and four square suits my mother gave me,

traded 'em for an amplifier
which I amplified some

and put down as a down payment
on a red VWMicrobus.

Got me a Trinity Racing Association
triangle from Ray and stuck it on the door.

Now if I can just get me a couple of
hit records, I'll be all baled out.

Hey, man. How you doin'?
Where is everybody?

- Building Alice a restaurant.
- You're puttin' me on.

Here in the church?

- No, in Stockbridge, behind the store.
- You all alone?

- No, Jake's sleeping over there.
- Jake? He's out of the army?

He's sleeping!

Hey, Jake. It's me, Arlo.

- Hey.
- Hey...

- What's that?
- Just what it looks like.

Dougie, can I have
the stoves now, please?

Hey, Ray. How you been?

Just simmer down.


Hey, Obie! Would you like some coffee?

Annie, would you get the chief
some coffee, please?

What do you think?

Excuse me.

- Hey, Arlo.
- Hi, Ray. How you doin'?

- Well?
- Just what I've always wanted.

- A restaurant?
- No, a friend with a restaurant.

Well, anytime, baby.

For our kids, it's on the house.
Right, Ray?

- You better believe it.
- Pity I'm not heavy on hammer and saw.

Maybe you could write us
a singing commercial.

I could do that.

That's right. Tonight,
Alice Brock opens The Back Room,

her new restaurant in Stockbridge,
with such gourmet dishes as

beef bourguignon, costalettas Pojarsky,
spaghetti alla Marciana, and many others.

All at Alice's Back Room, opening tonight.

Hey, everybody. Dessert on the house.

Arlo? You cut it, Arlo.

Here. You do it, man.

Yeah, do it, baby.

Hey. Sloppy Joe, huh?

Here, baby. Wait.

- Wait, Shel. I'll come with ya.
- I've...

Don't crowd him.
He needs to get his head.


"Eat me"? I suppose so. I'll never tell.

Get us some plates.

- I said I had a girl for ya.
- She seems to dig Ray.

Yeah, she digs Ray a lot.
He's sorta been helping her some.

Oh, yeah?

I happen to dig botany.

I happen to dig music.

But they didn't know anything about it.

Maybe you should have
gone to a better school.

Hey, what's that all about?

It's an ancient custom of the manor.

The lord and lady ring the bell
after they make it.

Got ya.

Well, are you gonna make your move,
or aren't ya?

Yeah, I could do that.

...heading down
the back stretch, going to the far turn...

Number 376, Brian Parker.
Here he comes over the jump.

Go, Ray!

Brian's taken over the lead, and he's clear.

661's taken over second place.

Don't you think he's won enough
for one race?

Sure was weird the way you hit
that puddle, Ray. Good pull-out.

Get your hand off the bike.

Hey, Ray. Ray!

Ladies and gentlemen, I thought you'd like
to know we're awarding all trophies today

in honour of all the boys
over in Vietnam and other foreign places

who are defending
this great country of ours,

and in honour of the many fine riders
who raced on this track

out there in the jungle in the forefront of
the free world's fight against communism.

- Hey, what's happened here?
- Let's get outta here.

We can't leave now, while they're
out there helpin' out the free world.


Did you think I was out here shootin' up?

I'm gettin' Ray's bike back together
for the race Sunday.

- Do you still want to?
- Want to what?

Shoot up.

That's over, Alice.

It's over.

I'll never go back on it.


Hey, Shelly. Come on.
We're goin' to the quarry.

- Ray, get me somethin' to eat, will ya?
- Hey, Alice. Come on outta there.


It's gonna look good up there.

- Come on. I'm takin' you swimming.
- With all these people for lunch?

Let 'em go into the kitchen
and help themselves.

I'm not running a cafeteria!

That damn girl didn't show up today
and I have to do it all myself.

Hey, you're letting this place
eat you up, baby.

- Come on, Shel.
- Maybe I should stay and wash dishes.

- Aw, can't he go for a little swim, huh?
- Why ask me?

You wanna go swimmin', go swimmin'.

Go on, get outta here. Both of ya.

Go on! Out!

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we're gone.

- Hey, what happened to my food?
- 86 on the food.

It's too cold to go swimming.
Why don't we go back to the church?

- Hey, he'll come through OK.
- I don't know. Maybe this is it.

She wouldn't have called
if it wasn't serious.

Maybe we should come with ya.

No, thanks.

What is it? Like, cancer?

Huntington's chorea.

Oh, a war wound, huh?

It's not that kind of Korea, it's...

Huntington's disease.
Attacks... attacks the nervous system.

- There's no cure for it.
- How d'you get it?

- Karin, for God's sake!
- It's hereditary.

- Why don't you get lost?!
- Hey, hey. Easy.

Now don't you worry about that.

Stay cool, man.

Stay cool.

How's he doin'?

He was gettin' worse,
but now he seems fine again.

We just don't know what to expect.

Or when.

- Pete, the car. Play the one about the car.
- Break out the guitar.

Don't know if it's right in tune. Try it.

Hey, cut it! She just seasoned it.

Try it now, Fran?ois.

OK, clowns. Get out of this kitchen.

- Another taste?
- It took the roof off my mouth.

- You been screwin' round with my chilli?
- Screwin' around?

No, madam, I perfected it
with just that pinch of spice required

to bring tears of ecstasy
to this gourmet's eyes.

- Cut it out! Stop it!
- Is that not so, Fran?ois? Huh?

I don't know what you two got goin',
but I don't need it!

- We're only horsin' around.
- I've had it with you two-buck tourists!

And you crummy tied-up townies!
I've had it!

And I'll tell you something.
Startin' right now, I'm on vacation!

Hey! What are you doin' in New York?

Crazy ladies.

Now you got one more.

I was headed up to the church.


Hey, what's the matter?

I guess I'm the bitch
who had too many pups.

I couldn't take 'em all milking me.

You got... you got anything to smoke?

You want to?

- Who?
- Me!

- Hey!
- Hey, Arlo.

- Look what I found.
- Roger!

- You look great.
- So do you.

I was scared maybe
those cops out there busted you up.

- Yeah, they beat on me some.
- Roger?

Hey, baby! You didn't even
let us know where you were.

- Is that any way to be, huh?
- I had no time.

- Hello, Alice.
- Hello, Ray.

I looked everywhere for you. Then
we heard Arlo was borrowin' this pad.

Bingo's in Rome on some kinda
foundation bread. I dunno.

- You've been here since you left?
- No. I've been hangin' out some.

I got here last night.

Chasin' around after you, I ran into
all sorts of people we used to know.

I invited them up to the church
for Thanksgiving.

- Oh, no.
- And Roger's bein' back...

- No, Ray. You're puttin' me on.
- Just a few kids.

For Thanksgiving.

Hey, Alice?

It won't be like before.

I promise.


Hey, Arlo, what happened
when you saw Woody? How is he?

The same.


Well, you'll make it up
for Thanksgiving, won't ya?

Oh, yeah. We'll be there.

Careful. That's got all the gravy in it.

What'd I tell you, man?
Alice is a groovy cook.

We all got up there
on anything that moved.

I guess Ray didn't invite
so few kids after all.

Hi, Obie! Happy Thanksgiving!

- I need water.
- That thing is air-cooled.

Yeah, but he ain't.

I was bringin' Ray and Alice
a small present for Thanksgiving.

You scared the hell out of my baby.

- Hey, Ray, what'd you win?
- Me? Nothin'.

Shel's our best rider.

- You can ride him to Canada.
- Was wondering how to get my ass there.

- Hey, Alice. I've brought you a present.
- Hi.

Hey, he's outasight.


This is just too much.

Oh, it's beautiful! Thank you so much.

He's wonderful.
Isn't he great?


- I made the turkey, she made the platter.
- I wonder who made her.

No one I know about.
You wouldn't do bad to try.

- Hey, Ray. How about grace?
- Yeah, grace.

Grace be to Alice,
for comin' home to cook this feast.


Grace be to us for bein' here to dig it,
because we're beautiful!


Now we're doin' it! We got what we need!


- What more do we want?
- Nothing!

Pastures of plenty! Come on, dig in!

Had a dinner that couldn't be beat,

and ended up
with an amazing pile of garbage.

And we decided
it would be a friendly gesture

for us to take the garbage
down to the town dump.

So we took the half a ton of garbage and
put it in the back of a red VWMicrobus,

took shovels and rakes
and other implements of destruction,

and we headed off toward the town dump.

But when we got to the town dump...

We had never heard of a dump
closed on Thanksgiving before.

And with tears in our eyes, we drove off to
look for another place to put the garbage.

We didn't find one
until we came to a side road,

and off on the side of the side road
was a 15-foot cliff.

At the bottom was
another pile of garbage,

and we decided that one big pile
was better than two little ones.

Rather than bring that one up,
we decided to throw ours down.

That's what we did.

And then we drove off into the sunset.

Sure was nice of you to cook
that delicious Thanksgiving feastie.

It was sure was nice of you
to dump all that garbage.

- You're both nice, but what's for dinner?
- Oh, you...


Yeah, just a minute.

- Who is it?
- Officer Obie.


We found your name on an envelope
under half a ton of garbage.

Do you have any information about it?

Yes, sir, Officer Obie. I cannot tell a lie.
I put that envelope under that garbage.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.


After speaking to Obie
for about 45 minutes on the telephone,

we finally arrived
at the truth of the matter.

Yup. All right.

He said we had to go down
and pick up the garbage,

and also had to go down and speak to him
at the police officer station.

Now, friends, there was only one or
two things Officer Obie could have done.

Maybe he'll give us a medal
for being so brave and honest.

I think he'll probably just
bawl us out or somethin'.

But at the police officer station,
there was a third possibility

that we hadn't even counted upon.

You're both under arrest.

Wait. We can't pick up the garbage
with these handcuffs on.

Shut up and get in
the back of the patrol car.

So we sat in the back of the patrol car
and drove to the "scene of the crime".

Let me tell you about Stockbridge,
Massachusetts, where this happened.

They got three "Stop" signs,
two police officers, and one police car.

But at the scene of the crime there was
five police officers and three police cars,

bein' the biggest crime
of the last 50 years,

and everybody wanted to get in
the newspaper story about it.

And they was usin'
all kinds of cop equipment

they had hangin' around
the police officer station.

They was takin' plaster tyre tracks,
footprints, dog smellin' prints,

and they took 27 eight-by-ten
coloured glossy photographs

with circles and arrows
and a paragraph on the back of each one

explainin' what each one was,
to be used as evidence against us.

Pictures of the approach, the getaway, the
southwest corner, the northwest corner.

And that's not to mention
the aerial photography.


- Save us!
- To the rescue!

Hey, now wait a minute.
Hold it! Hold it, Obie!

I said hold it. Where the hell?

- Let go of my arm.
- Take off those handcuffs.

- You're interfering in my civic duty.
- You meathead.

Haven't you played cop enough for today?

This side is reserved for
officers of the law and criminals.

- You pig-eyed idiot!
- I've had enough garbage today.

- Yours and theirs!
- Stupid bastard! Cradle-hopper!

- Turkey-raper!
- Badmouthing me won't get them off.

- Just pay the bail!
- Bail?!

Yes, bail.

I want your wallets and your belts.
Put everything on the desk.

I understand you wanting our wallets
so we can't spend money,

but what do you want our belts for?

Kid, we don't want any hangin'.

Do you think
we'd hang ourselves for litterin'?

What do you want now, Obie? Our teeth?

Obie said he was makin' sure
and, friends, Obie was.

He took the toilet seat so we couldn't
hit ourselves on the head and drown,

and he took the toilet paper
so we couldn't bend the bars,

roll the paper out the window, slide down
and have an escape and get away.

Obie was makin' sure.

Hey, when do we get
our bread and water?

Shut up, kid.

I got the bail release. Let 'em out.

Come to mama, baby.

You may bring the bags out now.

- We're free!
- Hey, man.

We want a little respect for law and order.

An injustice!

You're the only one I dreamed of
the whole time I was in.

- Come on, man.
- No. I can't stand the smell of cop toilets.

- Hell, I'll wait out here with ya.
- Will you just leave me alone?


OK... baby.

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.
All persons having anything to do

before the honourable justice
of the district court, James E Hannon,

now sitting at Lee,
within and for the county of Berkshire,

draw near, give your attendance,
and you shall be heard.

God save the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts.

You may be seated.

Roger Crowther and Arlo Guthrie,
you will stand and face the court.

You are charged
with illegal disposal of garbage.

- How do you plead?
- We cannot tell a lie.

Your Honour, we're guilty.

I sentence each of you
to pay a fine of 25 dollars,

and you will remove the garbage.

And Obie looked at the seeing-eye dog,
then at the coloured glossy photographs

with circles and arrows and a paragraph
on the back, and began to cry,

cos he came to the realisation that it was
a typical case of American blind justice,

and there wasn't nothin'
he could do about it.

Now that we've paid our debt to society,
what do we do with the evidence?

I don't give a damn, long as
you don't dump it around here.

I'm gonna escort you to the town line.
Now, get goin'.

- Gotta pick up my chick.
- That figures.

Hey, come on. I'm gettin' rid out of town,
and I told 'em I had to pick up my girl.

- Am I your girl?
- I guess you'd better be.

- What'd he say?
- He said he'd glaze my pot.

That's what I thought.

With all this garbage?
Why can't we take it to the town dump?

I told you, he's ridin' us outta town.

- Sure does look that way.
- Where can we dump it, then?

I think I know.

New York's a nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't wanna...

OK to come up?


Looks like this letter's
been followin' you around some.

- What day is today?
- The 8th.

- Then my army physical is tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?

It's 8 a.m., Whitehall Street.

You just might be selected
to defend our country.


That's weird.

They'll never take
anyone as crazy as you.

They got a building in New York called
Whitehall Street where you get injected,

inspected, detected,
infected, neglected and selected.

Hey, kid. Where's your papers
we sent you through the mail?

- Didn't say anything on it to bring it.
- All right. What's your name?

And I proceeded on down the hall, gettin'
more injections, inspections, infections,

neglections and all kinds of stuff
they were doin' to me there,

and I was there for two hours,
three hours, four hours...

I was there a long time goin' through
all kinds of mean, nasty things

and havin' a tough time, and they was
inspectin', injectin' every part of me.

And they was leavin' no parts untouched.

Turn your head and cough.

Turn your head and cough.

Turn your head and cough.

Turn your hat and cough.

Turn your head and cough.

- That ain't enough.
- It's all I had.

- Ain't enough. Do some more.
- But...

That's an order.

Hey, anybody got any to spare?

And I proceeded on through and
finally came to see the very last man.

I walked in, said "What do you
want to see me about?" He said:

See the shrink.

Come in, my boy.

I went up there, I said
"Shrink, I wanna kill. I wanna kill."

"I wanna see blood and gore and guts,
veins in my teeth, eat dead burnt bodies."

And I started jumpin' up and down
yellin' "Kill! Kill!"

And he started jumpin' up and down
with me, and we was both yellin':

Kill! Kill! Kill!

You're our boy! Right this way.

have you ever been arrested?

And I proceeded to tell him the story
of the Alice's Restaurant Massacree,

with full orchestration, five-part harmony,
stuff like that, other phenomena.

He stopped me. He said:

Kid, have you ever been in court?

And I proceeded to tell him the story
of the 27 eight-by-ten glossy pictures

with circles and arrows and a paragraph
explaining what each one meant.

He stopped me again. He said:

Kid, I want you to go in there and sit
down on the bench that says "Group W".

And I walked... walked over
to the bench there, and there's...

Group W is where they put you if you may
not be moral enough to join the army

after committin' your special crime.

And there was all kinds of mean, nasty,
ugly-lookin' people on the bench there.

There was mother-rapers,



Father-rapers, sittin' on the bench
next to me, and they was mean and ugly

and horrible and crime-fightin' guys
sittin' there next to me.

And the meanest, ugliest,
nastiest father-raper of them all,

I mean, he was mean and nasty
and ugly and horrible, and he said:

- What'd you get?
- Nothin'.

I had to pay 50 dollars
and pick up the garbage.

- What were you arrested for, kid?
- Uh...


And creatin' a nuisance.

- How long you been out?
- A few hours.

We had a great time on the bench
talkin' about crime,

mother-stabbin', father-rapin',
all kinds of groovy stuff, until...


I want you writing it down with these
pencils and paper I'm gonna give you.

Pass these forms out. Here's the pencil.
When you finish, hand 'em back to me.

And he talked for 45 minutes, and
nobody understood a word that he said.

But we had fun fillin' out the forms
and playin' with the pencils,

and I turned over the piece of paper,
and there on the other side...

read the followin' words:

Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?

Sergeant, you've got a lotta goddamn gall
to ask if I've rehabilitated myself.

I mean... I mean,
I'm sittin' here on the Group W bench

cos you wanna know
if I'm moral enough to join the army,

burn women, kids, houses
and villages after bein' a litterbug!

Kid, we don't like your kind! We're gonna
send your fingerprints off to Washington!

- Hey, what happened?
- I'm free, man! I'm free!

- Let's get up to the church.
- Sorry, man, I gotta go see Woody.

I don't know what I'd have done
if they'd taken me.

Maybe... maybe I wouldn't have
had the guts to go to jail.


I could have done that.

It's weird.

Good things in my life always seem to...

come out of not doin'
what I don't wanna do.

Now that they're not after me
to do what I don't wanna do,

what do I wanna do?

It may take me some hard travellin'
to find that out for my own self.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Had everything we had.

Look at him. He rides like a bird.

Gave him everything he wanted,
everything I had.

He's got goddamn heaven here.
What more does he want?

- Arlo?
- Hey, what's happenin'?

Hey, Alice. Watch it.

Alice, watch it!

Alice, get out of the picture!

Bitch, what the hell
do you think you're doin'?

- Shut that damn thing off!
- Leave it on!


Hey, look at those!
You ever see anything like those?

A great artist made those.

I'm the great artist.

Greatest... I'm the greatest...

artist in the whole... world.

How can you son of a bitches
treat a great artist this way, huh?

Wanna get the cuffs off?

If he busts up the town again, I'll bust him.
I got the whole book on him -

possession, pushing, the whole rap -
so keep him down here where he belongs.

I put my nut act on for Obie
when he stopped the car.

I made him forget all about lockin' me up.

I knew they'd bring me back here.

Alice, can I have a Coke?

Where'd you get it?

- Get what?
- The big fix you're flyin' on.

- Where'd you get it?!
- I'm off, remember?

Absolutely off.

Absolutely off. I kicked it. I beat it.

Please. Please, baby, don't get back on.

- Alice, I swear, I'm not on.
- My God, Shelly!

I had... I had two stiff vodkas.

We found your spike, Shel. Yeah.

- And your cooker.
- That's not mine.

You promised. You promised!

You promised, Shel.

You promised.

You promised!

Yeah, a lot of promises
have been made around here.

- Where's the rest of it?
- It's all I had.

- Goddammit! Where d'you keep it? Huh?
- No, Ray!

Ray, no! Don't!

Shelly, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Where do you keep it?



You'll get this whole church busted
bringin' this junk in here!

It's not junk! It's not junk!

- Ray! Cut it out! You're hurting him!
- It might help him.

One big muscle, that's all you are!
One big muscle!

- He needs taking care of!
- So do you!

- Cool it.
- You wanna cool it, buddy.

- Where the hell are we, anyway?
- I'm in my church. Where are you?

- If you read it like that.
- That's the way I read it.

Shelly! Shelly!

Hey, there's Roger and your bus.

- Hi, Arlo. How was Woody at the end?
- I don't know. I wasn't around.

- Not now.
- I can't tell you how sorry we all are.

No, not now. Please, not now.

I'm sorry I didn't make it, Mother.
I guess I shoulda hung around.

That's all right, baby.
You couldn't have known.

Surprised me, too.

- 15 years...
- Marjorie?

All his friends wanna know.
When's the funeral?

There's not going to be one.

Woody didn't want a funeral. No funeral.

When we're all together, we'll take
his ashes out to Coney Island.

Here I'd missed seein' Woody
one more time,

and Shelly was buried
before I ever made it back up there.

Maybe I pushed him.

Maybe me leaning on him like that
pushed him into overdose.

It's sorta sad to think of him
ridin' all the way down there alone,

rentin' that flophouse room.

I guess maybe our beauty
wasn't comin' through.

Maybe we haven't been so beautiful lately.

Nothin' to stop us from startin' out fresh.

Maybe we could get married again.

A real weddin'.

Not like our two-minute special
down there at the courthouse.

A real weddin',
with lots of singin' and flowers.

A real church weddin'.

We've got a church.

All that smoke.

Dark colours.

Sort of sets you adrift.

Lets you know your life is goin' by.

All of a sudden I...

feel in a hurry to find out
what my thing's gonna be.

Who... and where.

And Adam said "Wherefore a man
shall leave father and mother

and shall cleave to his wife,

and they shall be two in one flesh."

Alice, do you take this man
to be your lawful lovin' man,

for bad or for better,
for drunk or for sober,

for high or for lower,

for husband and lover, today
and tomorrow, till death do you part?

I do.

Ray, do you take this woman
to be your ever-wedded woman,

for bitchy and giving,
for love and for living,

in peace and dissension,
in health and affliction,

today and tomorrow,
till death do you part?

I do.

We now pronounce you
man and wife.

Hey, more!

Hey! Come on over here!

- Oh, wow!
- Take a look at that cake!

Get back in there, boy!

So long, everybody!
Come back again soon. Bye-bye.

- Ray?
- What's with the music, huh?

We need sound. Hey!

- Hey, what?
- Ray.

Here's a toast to the marriage
of Alice and Ray,

for whom we are here assembled today,
and to reconsecrate the church.

Oh, yeah. Reconsecrate, huh?
Reconsecrate. Oh, yeah.

We're really gonna lift it up.

We're gonna get
a great big old plastic bag,

and we're gonna fill it up with helium,

and float right up to heaven!

And you're all invited! Yeah!

And when we're high up in heaven, we'll
throw flowers down to the people below,

and they're gonna know that
there's some happiness left somewhere!

We're gonna get higher and higher!

Yeah, that's where it's at! Up there!

Up there! That's where it's at!

That's where it's at! Come on!

Let's get up there! Up there! Yeah!

It's up there! It's up there!
It's up there! Yeah!

Get it up there! Yeah!

Come on! Get it up there! Yeah!

Yeah! Get it up there! Yeah!

No, no. Don't go.
Don't go. Have some wine.

Come on, come on.

There you go, Jimmy boy!

Alice'll cook us all something to eat.

Hey, uh...

I got something to tell you, man.
I've been thinkin' about sellin' the church.

First you're flyin' it, now you're sellin' it.

I'm serious.

I bet we could get enough for it,
what with all the improvements I've put in,

to get us all a couple of hundred
acres up in Vermont,

and get us some of that land,
land we can farm, land that'll feed us.

There ain't enough land around here.
We've gotta have room to stretch out.

I bet...

I bet what happened to Shelly
never woulda happened.


Hey, man!

Don't be leavin'!

There ain't no land here!
Just this little patch of lawn.

What can you grow on that, huh?

If we had a real place,
everybody could have his own house.

We could all see each other when
we wanted to, or not see each other,

but be all there.


- Arlo, come on. Stay the night.
- See you later, Ray.

All those kids gone,
who hadn't oughta be gone.

- And now Shelly dead.
- You know I'll be back, man. Later.

I wish we had 'em back.

If we'd had a real place,
we'd all still have been together.

Without buggin' each other.

We'd all be... some kinda family.