Alfie Darling (1975) - full transcript
Alfie returns, up to his old womanizing ways, until he meets his match in a sophisticated magazine editor Abby. His pursuit is complicated by his encounter with Norma and the fact that a jealous husband won't let him forget about his time with his wife Fay.
Alfie, France.
Tell you what though, a
pretty smooth crossing.
Smooth as silk.
Yeah, how do you know?
You never even came up on bloody deck.
We could feel the motion
all the way down here.
I think I'm going down for the third time.
Hurray!
Alfie, come on, man, hurry up.
Customs.
Keep your hair on.
Passports?
Here.
Right, merci.
No, mate.
Only her.
Right.
Come on, Bakey, move over.
Oh, all right.
All right then?
No complaints.
♪ Keep on rolling, rolling, rolling ♪
♪ Let those miles roll 'neath your feet ♪
♪ Nothing stops a driver in the seat ♪
It's marvellous, bloody marvellous,
that's what it is.
♪ Keep on rolling, rolling, rolling ♪
♪ With a little girl always by your side ♪
♪ Just as long as you don't
make that girl your bride ♪
You only met her on the boat.
♪ Keep on rolling, rolling, rolling ♪
♪ Let the world have the
problems you can't take ♪
Come on, darling.
What you going to Paris for then?
I have a job there.
What kinda job?
School teacher?
What?
Watch what you're doing then.
- Ta-ra.
- Ta-ra, love.
Go then, off we go.
School teacher?
I must say she taught me a thing or two.
I know.
You're lost in wonder and amazement.
Maybe it's that bloody perfume
you keep slopping all over yourself.
Anyway, whatever it is you got,
I wish I had some of it.
Trouble with you, Bakey lad,
is you got no confidence.
You just tell yourself there isn't a girl
in the whole world that
wouldn't fall flat on her back
as soon as she sees you, and it'll happen.
You just have to believe it, that's all.
Well, having driven a few
thousand miles with you, Alfie,
I think I bloody well do believe it.
Hello, what's this?
Can you see her?
Here, put your foot down, Alfie,
keep up with her.
Hello, darling.
Give us a kiss then.
Bloody hell.
What she look like?
Oh, not bad.
Not bad at all.
Now, that is what I call
a real bit of class.
They're all the same underneath,
two of one and one of the other.
I could really screw that, couldn't you?
Lad, women like that
eat little boys like you
for breakfast and spit the pips out.
Probably hiding
from some rich geezer.
No, bet he's slaving
and working his balls off
while she can piss around
in a flash car like that.
Give her a flash.
See if she'll give us one.
Give her the horn, Alfie.
She's giving me the fucking horn.
Turn around then, love.
'Ere, watch it, we've got the law.
Fucking cops.
They're all the same.
Could have done without
the bloody escort.
Yeah.
It must have cost us half an hour.
You'd think he'd have
something better to do.
Right.
Hello, man.
Tiny, I thought you were in England.
I blew me engine in Trieste, didn't I?
Blown a few things in Trieste myself.
I bet you have an' all.
Ciao, Roberto.
Have you seen that?
It's the bird we were flashing.
How do you do?
What you doing here, slumming?
You eat here, don't you?
Oh, I eat here all the time.
Why?
It's the best food for miles around.
There you are then.
There's a posh motel down the road.
I though that would have
been more your style.
Yes, well, the food's appalling
and the prices are a joke.
Merci.
You object to my eating here?
No, it livens the place up.
Just didn't think it was
your cup of tea, that's all.
Oh, I see, working
classes only and all that.
Something like that.
I work just as hard as you do.
Bet you couldn't handle a 32-ton truck
like I've got outside.
I don't know.
I think I probably could
if I put my mind to it.
You know something?
I think you could an' all.
Let's have a look at that.
I never thought I'd live to see the day.
What's that then?
When you failed to score with a bird.
What do you fancy then?
I'm not so sure.
Alfie?
Hello, Louise,.
The same.
What about your old man, all right?
Good.
Hey, what about the coq au vin?
Coq au vin?
I've never tried that.
I once knew a girl who
liked to put honey on it.
The Boeuf Bourguignon is very good.
Boeuf Bourguignon.
Oh, I'm not so sure about that.
How about you, Bakey?
I don't know, think
I'll have egg and chips.
Not very adventurous, is he, darling?
Don't rush me, I like to take me time.
Coq au vin then.
Just for a laugh.
And.
Hello, my friend.
How are you?
Where are you going this time?
Rouen.
Oh, well, maybe you
stay here tonight, eh?
No, no, we're gonna lay off at Rouen.
It'll only take us about
an hour to get there.
Oh, no, no, there's no use
flogging yourself to death.
I think we might stop over tonight.
Oh, listen, man, we're
hours late already.
Look, I must go back to
the kitchen, but maybe later,
we have time for cognac or armagnac, okay?
- Yeah, it's fine.
- Good.
- Bon appetit.
- All right.
Bloody birds.
Don't you ever think of anything else?
No.
Oh, Alfie.
You are wonderful.
I know.
Alfie, oh, Alfie.
Oh!
Oh, Alfie.
It's getting light.
You must go.
Please.
Don't worry about your old man.
I've taken care of that.
Ravelli.
Well, that's it, girl.
Bye, girl, bye.
Twice is enough for one night.
Anyway, I'll be back this
way in a couple of days.
Alfie.
Now, don't start.
But I love you, Alfie.
Hello, Alfie.
Bonjour, Pierre.
Did Louise give you
something for breakfast?
Oh, I had a little nibble.
Just enough to keep me going.
Coffee?
Yes, please.
You're a lucky man.
Very fine, strong body.
Come on, Pierre.
You look okay to me.
Oh.
A bit too much around the middle,
but a bit of exercise'll
take that off for you.
Exercise, oh, no.
I have bad heart.
I have to be careful.
No exercise.
Not at all?
Not even a bit of the other?
No.
Doctor's orders.
No exercise, just fishing.
If the doctor told me
that, I'd shoot me self.
If I was in your position, I'd get drunk,
go into my wife's room, and
give her the greatest bang
she'd ever had in her whole life,
and drop down dead with all flags flying.
Hey, up now.
Get in the other side.
I don't fancy driving.
Well, I'm not surprised.
You've been bloody driving all night.
Don't forget, Pierre.
Give her one for me, tonight.
Bye.
Poor cow.
Who, Louise?
Yeah, I'm afraid she's got
a bit of a soft spot for me.
Her old
man will have more than
a soft spot for you one of these days
if he ever catches you.
Hold it!
- What?
- Pull over.
What for?
Into that slip road over there.
But why?
Don't argue with me, just do it.
Jesus, bloody Christ.
There's always bloody something.
Well?
Well, there's a coincidence.
That's really nice.
Look, man.
It's gonna be hours
before we get to Rouen.
I'm bloody starving.
- Come on, let's go.
- No!
I'm not risking me licence
chasing skirt in this rig.
Well, I'll do it, come on, move.
Oh, God.
All we seem to do is bloody
piss about chasing women.
You're doing 80, Alfie.
We'll get nicked for sure.
Oh, bollocks!
You, too, darling.
- Bonjour.
- Hello.
- Did you have a good trip?
- Yes, thanks.
What time are we rolling tomorrow?
Six o'clock in the morning.
Oh, that's fine.
Come in the office,
we'll check your papers.
Okay.
What time are we rolling tomorrow then?
- Six.
- All right.
We'll have a right booze up tonight then.
Yes.
Honestly, 200 francs for a bloody dog!
You must be potty.
Well, they threw a bit of
the other in for nothing.
You can't complain, can you?
You mean, you can't.
All right then.
It's no good asking
him, he's a French dog.
There you are, what'd I tell ya?
Is she following us or
are we following her?
Here, smell this.
Go on.
Off you go.
Fred!
Come here, Fred.
Come on.
You can't disturb the lady like that.
Well!
Well, well, well, it's
amazing, that's what it is.
Amazing.
Alfie Elkins is the name.
It's a small world.
Yes!
But quite a large boat.
You'll never make it, man.
Just watch me.
I'm watching.
May I?
Vodka and tonic?
You look a vodka and tonic type to me.
Tomato juice then?
Cheers!
Thank you.
So, Abby is the name, is it?
Shot for Abigail?
What do you do for a living?
I work for Travel World Magazine.
You call that work?
I suppose you believe
there are only two places
a woman should be; in the
bedroom or in the kitchen.
I prefer the bedroom myself.
Uncomfortable places, kitchens.
You really fancy yourself, don't you.
I've never had too much
trouble with birds in my time.
I can believe that.
But the thing is, we're
not all birds, Mr. Elkins.
Hey, what's your telephone number?
It's in the book.
But I don't know your second name.
Smith.
Anything personal to declare.
There's 200
cigarettes, a bottle of brandy
and a bottle of perfume.
Right, on your way.
Take the next on the left.
What?
Look man, I told me
mom we'd be home early.
Just do as I told you.
Jesus, you and your bloody birds.
It sorta gets you, doesn't it?
Listen!
What?
All that quiet.
Eh?
Oh, forget it.
Dora!
Uncle Alfie!
Uncle Alfie!
Hello, Penny, look
what I've got for you.
A doggy.
Do you know what his name is?
- No!
- Fred!
Where's your mommy?
In the greenhouse.
Well, you go and play with Fred.
Come on, Fred.
Come on.
Hello, Dora.
Alfie!
Hello, Alfie.
Are you gonna be staying
or are you just passing by?
I've got me mate outside in the truck.
I'm just passing through.
Got time for a cup of tea, then?
Fine.
How have you been?
Oh, all right.
Don't see you often enough though.
I'll go and put the kettle on.
Come on, Fred.
Up, Fred.
Fred, up.
- Come on, seriously.
- Want another cup of tea.
I wouldn't mind.
Not too much trouble, yeah?
No!
Go and take him for a walk, pet.
Go on.
Mind how you go.
Come on, Fred.
Come on.
Is the kiddie yours or what?
No!
I wouldn't mind though.
What about her.
Well, I mean...
You mean she's not my style?
Right, right.
I wouldn't have thought so.
How many miles have you driven with me?
You think you've got my number?
You're not so smart, are ya?
Could quite easily happen though.
Buy a little place like this, settle down,
raise a few chickens, grow some...
But how did you get involved though?
I knew her husband.
He was killed.
The lorry jack-knifed.
Went over the Pyrenees.
Oh!
Christ, that's not funny.
I'll say it wasn't funny.
I was in the cab.
Who the hell was driving?
I was.
Ah, come on, Penny.
Bring him round here.
Come on love.
Come on, right over here.
Thank you.
Do you want some more tea, Alfie?
Not for me, pet.
Get that sock off then.
Hello Bakey.
Hello.
You've made good time, Alfie.
Ah, I got nicked though.
- Yeah.
- It's not like you, Alfie.
200 francs on the spot.
I was only trying to get
your load there on time.
Doing me best, I was.
Well, don't worry about it, Alfie.
I'll see the clerk makes it up to you.
I'm grateful to you, Mr. Potter.
Grateful.
Right, let's get that paperwork done.
Just lining up a bit of
crumpet for the weekend.
You know what they say, a bird in the hand
is worth two in Shepherd's Bush.
Hello love.
This is 014 3434.
Can you get 01-743 3333
and reverse the charges.
Hello.
That'll be the day when I've
got to start paying for it.
All right, I'll accept the charges.
Hello, Fay.
It's Alfie.
Can you talk?
What's the matter with you?
Too hard up to put 10p in the box?
I'd like to put something in your box.
What are you doing tonight?
Honest to God, Alfie,
you really are mean.
Go on, you know you love me.
You're a bastard, Alfie Elkins.
You miss me?
Of course.
You've been getting any?
Not enough.
So what about tonight?
He's in Birmingham.
You know I don't like any aggravation.
Oh, all right.
Bring it over.
About eight?
And next time, at least have the decency
to put some money in the box.
Crazy about me.
Oh, she's a right little raver.
Got this husband, see,
treats her like a lady.
What he doesn't know, she
doesn't wanna be treated
like a lady,
what she wants is...
I'll tell you some other time.
Hey, we've got
a run to Trieste, Monday.
- Where?
- Trieste.
Well, I don't know about that.
What?
I said I'll have to think about that.
Why?
I've never been to Trieste, man.
I might have
better things to do.
I think I'll take a couple of days off.
Huh, I bet I know why an' all.
- You know what?
- What?
That bird on the boat.
Do you know what her name was?
No, go on, surprise me.
Abigail.
Abby what?
Abigail, Abby for short.
That bothers you a bit, doesn't it?
What does?
You know, the one that got away like.
Oh, I'm taking me time.
Yeah?
This one's rather special.
It's gonna take a little bit of time.
What, a week?
- I'll bet ya.
- Tenner?
Right, you're on.
Right.
Hello, mom.
Hello, son.
Thanks a lot, Alfie.
Mind how you go.
Okay, tata.
Randiest area in the world, London.
Randiest city in the
world if you asked me.
Think of it.
All around you, thousands
of randy little birds
all dying to get laid.
It's all right, Claire.
I'll give you a hand.
Oh, keep your hands to
yourself you randy sod.
How's your old man then?
A lot you care.
Is he giving you enough then?
Oh, piss off, you dirty minded bugger.
Let me help you.
Do you know what I'd
like to do with you?
Both of 'em.
You know, I think she fancies me.
Not bad, eh?
If you're gonna get laid, you
might as well do it in style.
Beats the back seat of a car, right?
Right.
Hello, Norm.
Hello.
Come in.
You going out then?
No, I always ponce up like this
before I go to bed.
Oh, Alfie.
What am I gonna do?
About what?
Dunno.
Life.
That's a big word for
a girl like you, Norm.
Alfie.
Oh, Alfie, not all the bloody time.
What's the matter, have you
turned lesbian or something?
You know what I mean.
No, what do you mean?
I was going down to the launderette.
I can think of something
better you could go down to.
You really have got a
one track mind, Alfie.
Well, just for a change,
why don't you talk to me.
Tell me something.
Norm, please belt up.
Tell me something.
I told you something.
Please belt up.
I mean, talk to me, Alfie.
Nicely.
Oh, tell me you like me.
You don't have to mean it.
Just because I give you one,
doesn't mean I've got to talk to you.
Well, that's just how
much you know about women.
You, the great bloody expert.
Well, it's at times like this
a girl likes to be told things.
To be chatted up.
Well, tell me you like me hair
or I've got a nice body or something.
I like your hair.
You've got a terrific body.
Now, come here.
Ooh!
It's always the same with you.
You've got no finesse,
that's what you ain't got.
Women!
They always want to make everything
into a bloody great romance.
Well, it's just that a girl likes
to be respected, that's all.
Rubbish!
A girl likes to be treated like a woman.
The more you respect them,
the more they go off you.
It's in their nature.
I'm 20-bloody-three, Alfie.
I can't go on just getting
laid and screwing around.
I wanna get married.
I want a home, I want kids.
Oh, you just don't seem to
understand these things.
Okay, Norm.
Take it easy.
I just don't wanna be an easy lay.
Course, you don't.
I wanna be treated proper.
Course you do.
I want a fella who talks to me,
instead of just banging me like
I was a bloody door knocker.
I'll talk to you, Norma.
What do you want me to say?
Anything.
Would you like to hear some poetry.
Do what?
Some poetry.
All right.
I love you in your negligee.
And I love you in your nightie.
But when the moon shines on your tits,
by Christ all bloody mighty...
Oh, oh Alfie.
I'll ring her chimes
before the evening's out.
Alfred.
Alfred.
You look very nice.
You do too.
Alfie, not so fast.
Mind my hair.
Mind my hair, it's a wig.
Now then, how do you like your martini?
Dry?
No, wet.
It's all very piss elegant.
Must you be so coarse, Alfie.
Elegant, I said elegant.
Thank you.
Salute.
Cheers.
How is it?
Perfection.
Oh, I'm glad you wore a tie.
You don't usually bother.
Ah, but I know how you like
these little touches, Fay.
Well,
shall we dine?
Thank you, Alfred.
I do hope you like vichyssoise.
Delicious.
A few croutons.
Thank you very much.
Would you see if the wine
is sufficiently chilled?
To a degree.
It's just a simple little Chablis,
but I think you'll be
amused by its presumption.
Presumptuous?
I'd call that down right cheeky.
So, you see, Alfie,
one can have a pleasant evening
without jumping straight into bed.
It makes a change, Fay.
It makes a change.
I see no reason why one shouldn't try
and bring a little
elegance into one's life.
After all, these days, the average person
is so coarse and vulgar.
A little refinement goes a long, long way.
Oh, you bastard.
Oh, you dirty, filthy swine.
Oh, how can you do this to me?
I'm a respectably married woman.
Stop it!
Oh no, don't stop it.
Oh!
In case you're interested,
for dessert we had orange sorbet
with Grande Marniere sauce.
Very tasty.
- Hello.
- Hello, Fay.
It's Harold.
Harold.
I didn't wake you, did I?
No, darling, no.
I was just watching television.
What sort of day did you have?
Nothing much.
I did a bit of shopping today.
Oh, God, I've had a busy day.
I miss you, you know.
I miss you too, darling.
How did the meeting go?
Fantastic.
Everything went very well.
Oh!
That's wonderful, darling.
When will you be home?
I'll be home tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night.
That's, that's wonderful, darling.
Wonderful.
Bastard!
Darling, what?
What'd you say?
Nothing, darling.
No, nothing.
It was just a bad connection.
It's the best connection
you've ever had.
Shut up.
Hello, Fay.
Are you still there?
Look, I'll be home about seven.
Good.
Good, darling.
I'll see you about seven.
I'll have something ready for you.
It's all ready right now.
Goodbye, darling.
- God bless.
- God bless, darling.
God!
Ooh!
I've met some kinky birds in my time.
You know what she finally got me at?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Can I help you, sir?
Yes, do you have someone
with you here called Abigail,
I'm not sure about the second name.
Oh, I think you mean Miss Somers.
Yeah, that's it.
Do you have an appointment, sir?
Afraid not.
Who should I say is calling?
Mr. Alfred Elkins.
Would you like to
take a seat, Mr. Elkins?
Thank you.
Hello, Miss Somers.
There's a Mr. Elkins here.
Where are you from, Mr. Elkins?
You'd better say Southampton.
He says he's from Southampton.
Yes, Miss Somers.
She'll be right out, Mr. Elkins.
I thought we discussed this already.
Look, if you wanna spread
it out over two pages,
you've got to break it up with pictures.
Well, what about the
advertising material then, John?
I'm not having my pictures screwed up
with bloody adverts.
Listen, it's the advertisers
who keep our magazine going,
darling, not your pictures.
Oh, all right, I'll paste it up again.
I'll let you have it as soon as I can.
Okay.
Oh!
I just thought I'd drop in.
Miss Somers, do you want the
layout meeting this afternoon
or shall I cancel it?
Oh well, are the
pictures ready yet, John?
Of course.
John, give a moment.
Ah, yes, then we'll
make it at four o'clock.
I'm terribly sorry, I'm very busy.
Well, you can save us both a lot of time
is you say, "Yes, I'll have
dinner with you tonight."
There's an
editorial meeting at 7:30.
Sorry, nice of you to drop by.
Oh, are those the Jamaican pictures?
Yeah, I've blown those three up.
I think they're pretty good.
Oh yes!
Oh, I like that one.
There's a bit too much sky here,
do you think you could crop it off here?
What about tomorrow then?
I seem to remember, there's a reception
at the Brazilian Tourist Office.
Abby, we still have to
finalise these bullfight spreads.
Yes.
- Hugh!
- Yeah, Abby.
Do you think you could
get a picture in there?
Yeah, yeah, no problem.
All right, well, will you
work it out between you then?
Yeah, we will.
Wednesday.
Mr. Elkins.
Alfie.
As you may have noticed,
I'm a working girl.
I have a living to make,
and I'm at this precise moment, working.
Thursday.
I'll be in Paris, Thursday.
Miss Somers, there's a
call for you from Paris.
Thank you.
Friday.
Ask my secretary.
Friday?
I'm sorry.
She has a television interview.
The photographs you
asked for, Miss Somers.
Oh, super, Sally, thank you.
Hello!
Saturday?
Sunday?
Well, you tracked me down.
E for effort.
Look, I'm making a right fool of myself
chasing around this office.
Just say you'll have
dinner with me one evening.
Did it ever occur to you
that I might have a steady boyfriend
or be engaged?
Well, I try.
I'm very flattered.
I'm sure.
Well then, Bakey, final check.
Authorization permit?
Yeah!
- Manifest.
- Yep.
- Carnet.
- Yeah, yeah.
Now, you've got your return carnet?
Yeah, I've got all that.
Hello, Alfie.
- How do.
- Hey up.
And your record book?
- Yep, I've got it here.
- Well, that's it then,
Trieste.
Are you ready then, bud?
We're off.
Have a nice trip, Alfie.
I met this fantastic
bird over the weekend.
You don't say?
Honest, she's mad about me.
She'd have to be.
- What?
- Mad.
She wants to get married.
You didn't say yes, did you?
Well, I said I'll think about it.
Then you must be mad an' all.
Listen, what's the matter with you?
Nothing.
You owe me a tenner, don't ya?
Why don't you piss off?
Hey, I'm looking forward to Trieste.
Lots of sun, women.
Hey, you've been to Trieste,
Alfie, what's it like?
You may be going to
Trieste mate, but I'm not.
Here, I'll put this up for ya.
Hang on, I'll give you a hand.
No, it's all right.
What's the matter?
Are you all right?
I've done me back.
Mr. Parker.
What's up?
The pain.
Alfie!
What is it?
What's he done?
He's done his back in.
Oh no!
The agony, Mr. Parker.
Try standing up.
I can't move.
We'd better get him
to a doctor right away.
Yeah, round me neck.
- Steady.
- Go on.
Careful.
We're gonna look after
you, you know, Alfie.
You're our best man.
Thank you, Mr. Parker.
Well, here's a prescription
for some embrocation.
Do you think you can get
someone to rub it for you?
Oh, I think I can manage that.
Yes, and your medical certificate.
Thank you, doctor.
Now, a hard bed and plenty of rest.
Okay.
All right buddy.
Have they got you sorted out?
Ah, I think so.
Thank you very much, doctor.
Ah, don't mention it.
Bye!
Bye bye.
Hang on a minute, Alfie.
What's the matter with him?
He's done his back in.
Yeah, and I bet I know
how he did it an' all.
Jealousy will get you nowhere.
Right.
You're a real pal, Bakey.
That's all right.
Do you want me to come in?
Give you a hand, take
your clothes off and that?
No, I don't want to be a burden,
but can you take this medical
certificate to Mr. Parker?
Yeah, right.
Look, it's no bother,
I'll give you a hand.
I'm all right, honest.
It's this little one.
This one?
Well look, you just take
care of yourself now, eh?
I will.
- 'ere are.
- Thanks, Bakey.
Thanks for everything.
That's okay.
- Ta-ra.
- Ta-ra, Alfie.
It's wonderful what a
couple of aspirins will do.
Well,
give up?
You can really handle that thing.
Yes, we birds can drive, you know?
And all this just so I could ask you
to have dinner with me.
When you want something,
you sure try hard enough.
Come on, what's so important
that you can't have dinner with me?
Would you believe that
I'm supposed to have dinner
with Lord and Lady Sedgwick?
Well, what about the workers then?
What about the workers?
Come on, The Savoy if you like?
I can afford it.
Capitalist.
Come on then, let's go.
Okay.
What's the matter?
Do you know what you're doing?
Yes!
That's good.
Now,
put it in neutral.
I think I can work that one out.
Thank you.
That's for having a sense of humour.
I think I'm gonna need one.
Hey, where are we going?
My place.
Can that be bad?
This is the first time
I've been pulled by a bird.
Here we are then.
And very nice too.
Would you like a drink?
No, thank you.
Sure?
Quite sure.
See?
Persistence.
That's what you gotta have.
I'll give her a couple of
minutes to get herself ready,
then I'll move in there like King Kong.
If you really want something in this life,
and you try hard enough, you'll get it.
Right.
We're on.
What's the matter?
Is it me?
No, it's not you.
I don't understand.
It's never happened to me before.
Come on, lie back.
Come on.
That's better.
Now, relax.
That's the trouble.
I am relaxed.
You're too tense.
Let's talk.
Talk!
Talk about what?
The fact that I'm a cripple?
Is it that important to you, Alfie?
Bloody right, it's important to me.
I need a drink.
Well, I guess that's it then.
Is it just sex?
Is that all a relationship is to you?
In my book, a relationship
starts with sex.
Then the book's wrong.
Maybe.
I like you, Alfie.
If I'm not bothered, why should you be?
You don't understand.
Oh, yes I do.
I understand all right.
I understand that the only thing
you want from me is a screw
and if you can't get it, then you're off.
Well, frankly, I find
that bloody insulting.
I would have thought I had
more to offer than that.
Just a minute.
I get the feeling that you think
that I just pick up any man I fancy
and take him to bed.
You're wrong, you know?
If you say so.
I say so.
I'm not an easy lay.
Good for you.
Look, you're the one
that been chasing me
all around the bloody place.
Now you make feel like a whore.
I'm sorry.
I think I'd better go.
Yeah, if you didn't get
what you came here for,
there's no point in
your staying, is there?
Oh my God.
I think I've just been raped.
Any complaints?
What are you trying to prove?
It was all right, wasn't it?
Do you love this bloody bird?
Don't be ridiculous.
Well, you don't have
to take it out on me.
It's just never happened before.
There's always a first
time, Alfie, even for you.
It was such a shock.
I had to see you.
Poor baby.
There's nothing wrong
with you, I promise you.
Thank God for that.
Except that you're in love with her.
Do me a favour.
Look, it's one thing to bang someone,
and it's another think to make love.
And you Alfie, God bless you,
you just don't know the difference.
You think that loving and
fucking are one of the same.
I've never heard of
one without the other.
Well, it happens, you know?
Do you love your husband?
Yes.
Yes, I suppose I do.
But does he lay you?
Oh, what's that got to do with it?
Does he?
Not often.
Well, what kind of love is that?
That every time he goes to Birmingham,
I come round creeping up the back stairs.
He's still worth two of you.
He's kind and considerate,
and he sends me little gifts
and flowers on my birthday.
I bet you don't even
know when my birthday is.
But he doesn't give you enough.
Oh, listen.
I may need you from time to time,
but I wouldn't change him for you,
not if you were the
biggest stud in London.
You think all a woman
wants is that bloody thing.
You're like a kid with a new toy.
So, what's that got to do
with what I'm talking about.
Nothing.
I just wish you loved me a bit, Alfie.
What day is it?
Wednesday.
But yesterday was Monday.
Yesterday was Tuesday.
Oh God, get up.
What's the matter, Fay?
The door's locked.
Just a minute, Harold, darling.
I'm in the bath.
Get out the window.
Quickly.
- My shoes.
- Your shoes.
Here.
I'm coming, Harold.
I'm coming.
Look darling, why don't have a drink?
Yeah, yeah, all right.
Drink first, sex later.
I'll have a double.
And a double it shall be.
What a day.
- Terrible.
- Dreadful.
Next time I'll buy
her a bloody calendar.
What have
you been doing yourself?
Well, I went to
the hairdresser's today
and had a new style.
Well, that looks great.
I'll tell you what I
did, about six o'clock.
Got down to this campaign straight away.
Now, when I got to to bread...
Who's that?
Oh, really I think
the cat must have got out.
Right.
- Hello, Alfie.
- Bakey!
I want you to meet me fiancee, Gloria.
Come on love, come in.
Alfie, Gloria.
Glad to meet you, Alfie.
Hello, hello.
Well, what do you think?
You crafty bastard.
I told you she was smashing, didn't I?
You didn't say she was bloody fantastic.
Come and have a drink.
Right.
Will scotch be all right?
Yeah, smashing, thanks.
Listen, we're getting married.
Next Saturday week, aren't we?
Yeah.
- Married.
- Yeah!
Will you be the best man?
Pleasure.
Seeing as how you're
Bakey's best friend.
Well, if I'm his best friend,
and I'm also gonna be the best man,
I might as well give the bride a kiss.
Alfie.
I'm the groom, you're the best man.
Congratulations.
Did you see his face when he saw you?
- Yeah!
- Ah.
Give him a right bloody shock, that did.
Yeah, he's a good bloke though, you know?
Yes.
Are you Elkins, Alfred Elkins?
This your wallet?
Yes!
I've been looking for that everywhere.
Thanks very much, come in.
Would you like a drink?
Yes, please.
Scotch all right?
Fine.
It's very good of you,
where did you find it?
Under my bed.
Hello.
Alfie, this is Fay.
Harold found your wallet,
he's on his way over.
You're too late, darling.
He just left.
You didn't hurt him, did you?
Alfie?
Hello, Travel World.
Could I speak to Miss Somers, please?
Could you tell me where she
is, it's very important.
Well, she's on a photographic
session in Hyde Park.
Won't be back in the office till six.
Beautiful.
Okay, love, thanks a lot.
Hello.
I'm terribly sorry, I'm very busy.
If I could just have a word with you.
I thought you made yourself
pretty plain the other day.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
The car's ready, Miss Somers.
Thank you.
Could we take a walk?
I came on a bit strong the other day,
and I said a few stupid things.
But if it means anything
to you, I'm sorry.
Well, I guess that clears that up then.
Wait a minute.
Now, I don't know how to say this,
but I've never met anyone
quite like you before,
and I don't want to lose you.
- Mister...
- Run along, son.
Mister, will you get my boat back?
What boat?
Out there?
You want me to get it?
If you hold on a minute,
the wind'll blow it back in.
But I've got to hurry up and get home.
Well, hold on then.
Here, go on.
Thanks, mister.
Hello.
What's all this in aid of?
Is it your birthday or something?
No.
I just felt like throwing a party.
Drink?
What have you got?
Whisky, gin or dry martini, sir.
I'll have a scotch please.
Happy birthday.
Hello, how are you?
Abby, darling.
How are you?
You look wonderful.
- Hi, darling.
- Hello, Terry.
Terry here's trying to tell us
he made a center-fold in Playgirl.
I'll be with you in a minute.
The man has been making
an absolute fortune.
Mind you, I think his
work's absolutely shit.
Anyway, so, you know these
A&R men, no creativity.
Everything okay?
What did you ask me here for?
I wanted to see you.
We still didn't make that dinner date.
How about next week?
I shall be in France, all
next week, photographing.
Where?
Little fishing village in
Normandy called Honfleur.
You've probably never heard of it.
When are you going?
Monday.
Right then.
I'll meet you on Monday in Honfleur.
Do you think you could?
I've got this boss, you see,
and every time I bend down,
he thinks the sun shines.
If I wanted to go to Hong
Kong, he'd fix it for me.
Abby, darling, drinks are flowing
like glue out here.
Coming.
See you Monday in Honfleur.
I'll be there.
Morning, Mr. Parker.
Alfie.
The back, how is it?
A remarkable recovery.
A miracle, in fact.
Marvellous.
Now, how about a nice run to Rouen.
Well, I've got Fred going down to Rouen,
but I've got a very
nice, little run for you
down to Istanbul.
Marvellous, this time
of the year, Istanbul.
Stick Istanbul, I want Rouen.
Think of all them belly dancers.
Fred can have the belly
dancers, I'll have Rouen, okay?
Fred will be very upset.
Fuck Fred.
If you say so, Alfie.
Christ, I've never
seen you push so hard.
I've had one cheese sandwich and a piss
since we left Southampton.
What's all the hurry?
Love, my boy.
Love.
What, you?
Yes, me.
Now, I know you're round the twist.
I don't know how it
happened, Mr. Parker.
It just blew, just as we
were pulling into Rouen,
and I've been all over
this God forsaken town
and I can't find a spare gasket anywhere.
Can I get one shipped down from Brussels?
I can't move without it, Mr. Parker,
'cause I'll blow the whole engine.
I'm as pissed off as you are.
I've got a date in London.
It'll take at least three days.
Well, do the best you can, will you?
Thanks.
Bye.
I've heard some liars in my time.
I want three days
off and I'm gonna them.
Monsieur Elkins?
Yes, pet.
Listen man, I'm getting
married on Saturday.
I guarantee you'll be back by then.
Anyway, it gives you time to
buy Gloria a wedding present.
But you won't let me
down, will you Alfie?
No, I promise you.
Get me bag for me, will you?
Yeah, here.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Right, I'll see you back
here in three days time.
Yeah, right, well I'm
counting on you, man.
You can rely on me.
♪ Just the look on your face ♪
♪ Shows the world how you feel ♪
♪ Alfie darling ♪
♪ Love is real ♪
♪ When you touch me I hope ♪
♪ That you'll always be true ♪
♪ Alfie darling ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ To hold onto my heart ♪
♪ End it Alfie, like we start ♪
♪ It's no game that we play ♪
♪ You must love in return ♪
♪ Alfie darling ♪
♪ You must learn ♪
♪ Use your eyes to see ♪
♪ What I gave you ♪
♪ You gave me ♪
Do you wanna hear something silly?
Tell me something silly.
I'm in love with you.
And I've never said that
to anybody before, ever.
I'm glad you said it to me.
So, how about you, how do you feel?
Alfie?
What?
I love you.
Alfie.
Oh!
Right, let's have
everyone looking this way.
One big happy picture.
Big smiles, right, hold it.
Okay, Bakey?
It's all going well.
What time you getting off?
- 2:15.
- Yeah?
We're getting the train
to Brighton, aren't we?
What you gettin' the train for?
I've got the car here,
I'll give you a lift.
- Will ya?
- Yes, come on.
- It's over here.
- Come on, missus.
Don't worry, it'll be all right.
I must say, there's nothing
like a sunny weekend in Brighton.
So, whose great idea was this?
You wanted to go for a walk.
And I can think of
somewhere better to do this.
Me too.
Come on.
You know, I envy those
two, Bakey and Gloria.
They've fallen in love, they get married,
and she gets in the family way,
if she's not that way already.
And that's all there is to it.
Right.
But it's not as simple as that, is it?
No.
What do you want out of life?
Same things?
A home, kids?
I don't know.
Well, I've never
thought about it myself.
Until now.
Oh, Alfie.
I don't know.
You try and give the impression
of being so world wise.
Yet, underneath all
that, you're just about
the most romantic man I've ever met.
Well, it doesn't do to let
the enemy know your weakness.
The enemy?
Are women the enemy?
Well, in some ways.
I mean, it seems to be a
sorta game you gotta play.
I don't play games.
I know you don't.
Abby?
Uh huh.
Will you marry me?
Did you hear what I said?
Yes, I heard what you said.
Well, I'm asking you to marry me.
The least you could so
is give me sort of reply.
Oh, piss off.
I love ya.
I know.
And I'm asking you to marry me.
Alfie.
Alfie, you there?
Jesus bloody Christ.
What in God's name do you want?
Alfie, I've gotta talk to ya.
It's three o'clock in the morning.
I know man, it's important.
Can't it wait till tomorrow?
No, that's just the point.
It might be too late by then.
Well, give us a minute to get dressed
and I'll see you down in the lounge.
Right, thanks.
This is the second time you
made a bloody idiot out of me.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to, Alfie.
Honestly, I don't.
You said you loved me.
I do.
Well, what's your bloody problem then?
You too good for me or something?
Oh, don't be silly.
Where are you going?
I don't know.
Some bloody drama with Bakey or something.
If you're making a fool out of me,
I'll kill ya, I really will.
I'm sorry to bother you, Alfie.
I don't know what to do, man.
I really don't know what to do.
Do about what?
I can't...
Here we are, sir.
Thanks very much.
- Cheers.
- Thank you, sir.
It won't work.
I tried, man, I bloody tried and tried.
She's up there, she's crying her eyes out,
says she's humiliated.
Is that all?
Can you think of anything worse?
Gloria's a very attractive girl.
- Yeah...
- It's your wedding night.
I know, exactly.
Well, it's just like being an actor.
It's your first night, your opening night
and you can't remember the
words and you're nervous.
Listen Alfie, you're
an experienced bloke.
Has it ever happened to you?
Me, no!
It hasn't happened to me,
but I've heard about it.
Have you?
I think you should go back upstairs,
just get into bed, lie back and relax.
Talk to her.
Talk to her?
Yeah, just talk to her.
Will it work?
And I don't know what
the rush is all about.
You've got another 50 years of marriage.
I'd better get back upstairs.
She'll be wondering where I am.
Take it easy.
Just remember, take it easy and relax.
All right, thanks, Alfie.
Abby!
Abby.
I'm sorry, Alfie.
What the hell's going on?
It's just that...
I don't want to let you down,
but I can't get married, not yet.
Where are you?
Your taxi's here, miss.
Thanks you.
I'm sorry, Alfie, because
I really do love you.
The young lady, where did she go?
Just left in the taxi, sir.
She really did me a favour really.
Can you imagine?
Me, married with two kids,
living in a semi-detached in Wansworth.
It's beyond belief.
What do you think about it?
I never said a word.
Well, can you imagine me, married,
just settling down, you know,
and a little girl like you
comes round for a drink,
flashing everything she's got?
I mean, how could I stay faithful?
I mean, how could I keep me hands off you?
Alfie.
You are irresistible, Norma.
What are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
Well Alfie, not in here.
Come in the other room?
Alfie, be careful.
Oh, oh!
Oh, Alfie, whatever is it?
Oh, me back.
I've done me back.
Oh, oh, let me help...
Don't touch me.
Well, what can I do?
Get a doctor.
Quick, please.
Well, how's that, Mr. Elkins?
Comfortable?
No, it's bloody painful.
Yes, well, I'm afraid
you're gonna have to keep
it on for a few days.
I'm not gonna fancy this at all.
Yes, well I warned you to
take it easy, Mr. Elkins.
I know you did, doctor.
Haven't much choice now, have you?
Well, just get this prescription made up.
How'd you come to do it anyway?
It's not bloody funny.
Yes, well, I'll drop in again tomorrow
to see how you're getting on.
And whatever you do, try not to move.
I couldn't bloody move if I wanted to.
'ere, Alfie.
Do you think you can get
workman's compensation
for injuries received whilst on the job?
Oh.
Mr. Elkins.
Oh, he's not well, he's hurt his back.
Yes, I know, that's why I've come.
My name is Abby.
Oh!
Come in.
He's been telling me all about you.
Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a neighbour.
I just dropped in to
make him a cup of tea.
Alfie, there's someone to see you.
Well, I'll be running along now.
Bye.
Who is it?
Well, you can bloody well
piss off for a start.
What happened?
I banged it, in a manner of speaking.
What are you doing here anyway?
Bakey called me at the office.
He can mind his own
bloody business an' all.
Is there anything I can do?
Yes, just let me die here in peace.
I bought you some magazines.
Some grapes as well, I bet.
What do you want anyway?
You've had your fun.
You don't need anymore laughs, do ya?
No.
I'm sorry about the other night.
It's just that, when
you mentioned marriage,
I panicked and got scared.
So, I came to apologise
and say that I was wrong.
Besides, what's the point of running away
from someone you love?
I'd like to marry you,
Alfie, really, I would.
If it's not too late.
You know what it is?
You know what it is with you?
You didn't like being asked,
and so you had to do the asking.
Alfie Elkins,
will you marry me?
I have a good job, exciting prospects.
I can cook,
and I love you.
You sure?
You won't change you mind?
Uh-uh!
Listen, I have to fly to Rome tonight.
On your broomstick.
On my broomstick.
But as soon as I get back,
and when you're better,
we'll get married.
It's like a bleedin' brothel out there.
They ought to have a red light
hanging outside the door.
If I didn't know you better, Claire,
I'd say you was jealous.
Get off.
Poor Alfie, lying up there suffering.
He can't move a muscle, poor soul.
Well, I bet there's one
muscle he can still move.
Well, don't be so crude.
His back's killing him.
I hope it bloody well does.
I've never seen him so helpless.
Like a little boy, he is.
- He can't move?
- No!
It's a shame.
He can't move?
Push it, it's open.
I heard you was poorly.
So I made you a nice cup
of tea and some sandwiches.
Ooh, they have got you
trussed up, haven't they?
There.
Norma tells me it's your back.
Nasty things, backs.
Now, I've got some nice
cream cheese and cucumber.
Do you take milk and sugar.
What's that pong?
Pong?
Oh, you mean me perfume?
Oh, I just threw a little drop on.
And that dress.
Do you always go round tarted up like that
in the middle of the afternoon.
Do you like it?
It's a bit tight.
You're not exactly skinny, Claire.
Well, I mean, some
men like a bit of extra,
in the right places.
Well, you've certainly got it
in all the right places, Claire.
Have I?
Now, is there anything else you need?
Something else I need, all right,
but I'm not gonna get it lying here.
Does it hurt?
It aches, Claire, it really aches.
A stiff back can be very painful.
Not me back, you silly cow.
Oh!
Oh, well, maybe what you need
is a little bit of massage.
What you doing?
Oh, I don't like to think of
you lying here all helpless.
- Stop it, Claire.
- Unable to move a muscle.
Ooh, you have got it bad.
No, you're just doing
this to get me at it.
Alfie, oh, I'll make it better.
Alfie.
Oh, isn't it good, Alfie.
Stop it.
I must say, when Norma me
you was flat on your back
and couldn't move a muscle,
well, I thought I'd never
live to see the day.
Ooh, let's see what Aunty
Claire can do about it.
I don't believe it.
Oh, Alfie.
Oh, Alfie, it's lovely.
Oh, come on, Alf.
What are you trying,
you're killing me, get off.
Oh, Alfie, come on.
It's gonna kill me this.
Oh, it's lovely
darling, just relax.
Listen, I've just been under the doctor.
- Ooh, Alfie.
- Stop it.
Come on, darling.
- No.
- Oh, Alfie, darling.
No.
What's the matter?
Get off, quick.
Get off.
It's gone.
It's bloody well gone.
I can't feel a thing, nothing.
Claire, you've done me a favour.
Blimey, I've cured him.
The six o'clock for Rome?
The check-in's closed, sir.
Abby!
Abby!
Look, I'm cured.
I love you.
What plane are you coming back on?
It gets in tomorrow morning at 11:30.
I'll be there.
Bye!
♪ Once in a while ♪
♪ There's a smile that
can make you weak inside ♪
♪ That is the time that a man ♪
♪ Has to make his move or die ♪
♪ I know the hour and the day
of the week it came to me ♪
♪ Now I just tell anyone
that I meet that ♪
♪ You saved me ♪
♪ In a word ♪
♪ You took all my cares away ♪
♪ Turn my darkness into day ♪
♪ That's all there is to say ♪
♪ In a smile ♪
♪ All my pain was brushed aside ♪
♪ All my hopes were realised ♪
♪ To you I owe my pride ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
New standard, air disaster.
Now, here
are the news headlines.
It is now officially confirmed
that there no survivors from
the international flight
from Heathrow, which crashed last evening
near Maidstone in Kent.
The death toll now stands at 203.
The plane, en route to
Rome, from Heathrow, London,
had been in the air only 20 minutes,
when according to eyewitnesses,
it burst into flames and
plunged to the ground.
You from the press?
Relative?
I'm sorry.
Where have they taken them?
The bodies?
There are none.
Nothing left.
Just what you see here.
♪ Hold on to my heart ♪
♪ End it ♪
♪ Alfie ♪
♪ Like we start ♪
Tell you what though, a
pretty smooth crossing.
Smooth as silk.
Yeah, how do you know?
You never even came up on bloody deck.
We could feel the motion
all the way down here.
I think I'm going down for the third time.
Hurray!
Alfie, come on, man, hurry up.
Customs.
Keep your hair on.
Passports?
Here.
Right, merci.
No, mate.
Only her.
Right.
Come on, Bakey, move over.
Oh, all right.
All right then?
No complaints.
♪ Keep on rolling, rolling, rolling ♪
♪ Let those miles roll 'neath your feet ♪
♪ Nothing stops a driver in the seat ♪
It's marvellous, bloody marvellous,
that's what it is.
♪ Keep on rolling, rolling, rolling ♪
♪ With a little girl always by your side ♪
♪ Just as long as you don't
make that girl your bride ♪
You only met her on the boat.
♪ Keep on rolling, rolling, rolling ♪
♪ Let the world have the
problems you can't take ♪
Come on, darling.
What you going to Paris for then?
I have a job there.
What kinda job?
School teacher?
What?
Watch what you're doing then.
- Ta-ra.
- Ta-ra, love.
Go then, off we go.
School teacher?
I must say she taught me a thing or two.
I know.
You're lost in wonder and amazement.
Maybe it's that bloody perfume
you keep slopping all over yourself.
Anyway, whatever it is you got,
I wish I had some of it.
Trouble with you, Bakey lad,
is you got no confidence.
You just tell yourself there isn't a girl
in the whole world that
wouldn't fall flat on her back
as soon as she sees you, and it'll happen.
You just have to believe it, that's all.
Well, having driven a few
thousand miles with you, Alfie,
I think I bloody well do believe it.
Hello, what's this?
Can you see her?
Here, put your foot down, Alfie,
keep up with her.
Hello, darling.
Give us a kiss then.
Bloody hell.
What she look like?
Oh, not bad.
Not bad at all.
Now, that is what I call
a real bit of class.
They're all the same underneath,
two of one and one of the other.
I could really screw that, couldn't you?
Lad, women like that
eat little boys like you
for breakfast and spit the pips out.
Probably hiding
from some rich geezer.
No, bet he's slaving
and working his balls off
while she can piss around
in a flash car like that.
Give her a flash.
See if she'll give us one.
Give her the horn, Alfie.
She's giving me the fucking horn.
Turn around then, love.
'Ere, watch it, we've got the law.
Fucking cops.
They're all the same.
Could have done without
the bloody escort.
Yeah.
It must have cost us half an hour.
You'd think he'd have
something better to do.
Right.
Hello, man.
Tiny, I thought you were in England.
I blew me engine in Trieste, didn't I?
Blown a few things in Trieste myself.
I bet you have an' all.
Ciao, Roberto.
Have you seen that?
It's the bird we were flashing.
How do you do?
What you doing here, slumming?
You eat here, don't you?
Oh, I eat here all the time.
Why?
It's the best food for miles around.
There you are then.
There's a posh motel down the road.
I though that would have
been more your style.
Yes, well, the food's appalling
and the prices are a joke.
Merci.
You object to my eating here?
No, it livens the place up.
Just didn't think it was
your cup of tea, that's all.
Oh, I see, working
classes only and all that.
Something like that.
I work just as hard as you do.
Bet you couldn't handle a 32-ton truck
like I've got outside.
I don't know.
I think I probably could
if I put my mind to it.
You know something?
I think you could an' all.
Let's have a look at that.
I never thought I'd live to see the day.
What's that then?
When you failed to score with a bird.
What do you fancy then?
I'm not so sure.
Alfie?
Hello, Louise,.
The same.
What about your old man, all right?
Good.
Hey, what about the coq au vin?
Coq au vin?
I've never tried that.
I once knew a girl who
liked to put honey on it.
The Boeuf Bourguignon is very good.
Boeuf Bourguignon.
Oh, I'm not so sure about that.
How about you, Bakey?
I don't know, think
I'll have egg and chips.
Not very adventurous, is he, darling?
Don't rush me, I like to take me time.
Coq au vin then.
Just for a laugh.
And.
Hello, my friend.
How are you?
Where are you going this time?
Rouen.
Oh, well, maybe you
stay here tonight, eh?
No, no, we're gonna lay off at Rouen.
It'll only take us about
an hour to get there.
Oh, no, no, there's no use
flogging yourself to death.
I think we might stop over tonight.
Oh, listen, man, we're
hours late already.
Look, I must go back to
the kitchen, but maybe later,
we have time for cognac or armagnac, okay?
- Yeah, it's fine.
- Good.
- Bon appetit.
- All right.
Bloody birds.
Don't you ever think of anything else?
No.
Oh, Alfie.
You are wonderful.
I know.
Alfie, oh, Alfie.
Oh!
Oh, Alfie.
It's getting light.
You must go.
Please.
Don't worry about your old man.
I've taken care of that.
Ravelli.
Well, that's it, girl.
Bye, girl, bye.
Twice is enough for one night.
Anyway, I'll be back this
way in a couple of days.
Alfie.
Now, don't start.
But I love you, Alfie.
Hello, Alfie.
Bonjour, Pierre.
Did Louise give you
something for breakfast?
Oh, I had a little nibble.
Just enough to keep me going.
Coffee?
Yes, please.
You're a lucky man.
Very fine, strong body.
Come on, Pierre.
You look okay to me.
Oh.
A bit too much around the middle,
but a bit of exercise'll
take that off for you.
Exercise, oh, no.
I have bad heart.
I have to be careful.
No exercise.
Not at all?
Not even a bit of the other?
No.
Doctor's orders.
No exercise, just fishing.
If the doctor told me
that, I'd shoot me self.
If I was in your position, I'd get drunk,
go into my wife's room, and
give her the greatest bang
she'd ever had in her whole life,
and drop down dead with all flags flying.
Hey, up now.
Get in the other side.
I don't fancy driving.
Well, I'm not surprised.
You've been bloody driving all night.
Don't forget, Pierre.
Give her one for me, tonight.
Bye.
Poor cow.
Who, Louise?
Yeah, I'm afraid she's got
a bit of a soft spot for me.
Her old
man will have more than
a soft spot for you one of these days
if he ever catches you.
Hold it!
- What?
- Pull over.
What for?
Into that slip road over there.
But why?
Don't argue with me, just do it.
Jesus, bloody Christ.
There's always bloody something.
Well?
Well, there's a coincidence.
That's really nice.
Look, man.
It's gonna be hours
before we get to Rouen.
I'm bloody starving.
- Come on, let's go.
- No!
I'm not risking me licence
chasing skirt in this rig.
Well, I'll do it, come on, move.
Oh, God.
All we seem to do is bloody
piss about chasing women.
You're doing 80, Alfie.
We'll get nicked for sure.
Oh, bollocks!
You, too, darling.
- Bonjour.
- Hello.
- Did you have a good trip?
- Yes, thanks.
What time are we rolling tomorrow?
Six o'clock in the morning.
Oh, that's fine.
Come in the office,
we'll check your papers.
Okay.
What time are we rolling tomorrow then?
- Six.
- All right.
We'll have a right booze up tonight then.
Yes.
Honestly, 200 francs for a bloody dog!
You must be potty.
Well, they threw a bit of
the other in for nothing.
You can't complain, can you?
You mean, you can't.
All right then.
It's no good asking
him, he's a French dog.
There you are, what'd I tell ya?
Is she following us or
are we following her?
Here, smell this.
Go on.
Off you go.
Fred!
Come here, Fred.
Come on.
You can't disturb the lady like that.
Well!
Well, well, well, it's
amazing, that's what it is.
Amazing.
Alfie Elkins is the name.
It's a small world.
Yes!
But quite a large boat.
You'll never make it, man.
Just watch me.
I'm watching.
May I?
Vodka and tonic?
You look a vodka and tonic type to me.
Tomato juice then?
Cheers!
Thank you.
So, Abby is the name, is it?
Shot for Abigail?
What do you do for a living?
I work for Travel World Magazine.
You call that work?
I suppose you believe
there are only two places
a woman should be; in the
bedroom or in the kitchen.
I prefer the bedroom myself.
Uncomfortable places, kitchens.
You really fancy yourself, don't you.
I've never had too much
trouble with birds in my time.
I can believe that.
But the thing is, we're
not all birds, Mr. Elkins.
Hey, what's your telephone number?
It's in the book.
But I don't know your second name.
Smith.
Anything personal to declare.
There's 200
cigarettes, a bottle of brandy
and a bottle of perfume.
Right, on your way.
Take the next on the left.
What?
Look man, I told me
mom we'd be home early.
Just do as I told you.
Jesus, you and your bloody birds.
It sorta gets you, doesn't it?
Listen!
What?
All that quiet.
Eh?
Oh, forget it.
Dora!
Uncle Alfie!
Uncle Alfie!
Hello, Penny, look
what I've got for you.
A doggy.
Do you know what his name is?
- No!
- Fred!
Where's your mommy?
In the greenhouse.
Well, you go and play with Fred.
Come on, Fred.
Come on.
Hello, Dora.
Alfie!
Hello, Alfie.
Are you gonna be staying
or are you just passing by?
I've got me mate outside in the truck.
I'm just passing through.
Got time for a cup of tea, then?
Fine.
How have you been?
Oh, all right.
Don't see you often enough though.
I'll go and put the kettle on.
Come on, Fred.
Up, Fred.
Fred, up.
- Come on, seriously.
- Want another cup of tea.
I wouldn't mind.
Not too much trouble, yeah?
No!
Go and take him for a walk, pet.
Go on.
Mind how you go.
Come on, Fred.
Come on.
Is the kiddie yours or what?
No!
I wouldn't mind though.
What about her.
Well, I mean...
You mean she's not my style?
Right, right.
I wouldn't have thought so.
How many miles have you driven with me?
You think you've got my number?
You're not so smart, are ya?
Could quite easily happen though.
Buy a little place like this, settle down,
raise a few chickens, grow some...
But how did you get involved though?
I knew her husband.
He was killed.
The lorry jack-knifed.
Went over the Pyrenees.
Oh!
Christ, that's not funny.
I'll say it wasn't funny.
I was in the cab.
Who the hell was driving?
I was.
Ah, come on, Penny.
Bring him round here.
Come on love.
Come on, right over here.
Thank you.
Do you want some more tea, Alfie?
Not for me, pet.
Get that sock off then.
Hello Bakey.
Hello.
You've made good time, Alfie.
Ah, I got nicked though.
- Yeah.
- It's not like you, Alfie.
200 francs on the spot.
I was only trying to get
your load there on time.
Doing me best, I was.
Well, don't worry about it, Alfie.
I'll see the clerk makes it up to you.
I'm grateful to you, Mr. Potter.
Grateful.
Right, let's get that paperwork done.
Just lining up a bit of
crumpet for the weekend.
You know what they say, a bird in the hand
is worth two in Shepherd's Bush.
Hello love.
This is 014 3434.
Can you get 01-743 3333
and reverse the charges.
Hello.
That'll be the day when I've
got to start paying for it.
All right, I'll accept the charges.
Hello, Fay.
It's Alfie.
Can you talk?
What's the matter with you?
Too hard up to put 10p in the box?
I'd like to put something in your box.
What are you doing tonight?
Honest to God, Alfie,
you really are mean.
Go on, you know you love me.
You're a bastard, Alfie Elkins.
You miss me?
Of course.
You've been getting any?
Not enough.
So what about tonight?
He's in Birmingham.
You know I don't like any aggravation.
Oh, all right.
Bring it over.
About eight?
And next time, at least have the decency
to put some money in the box.
Crazy about me.
Oh, she's a right little raver.
Got this husband, see,
treats her like a lady.
What he doesn't know, she
doesn't wanna be treated
like a lady,
what she wants is...
I'll tell you some other time.
Hey, we've got
a run to Trieste, Monday.
- Where?
- Trieste.
Well, I don't know about that.
What?
I said I'll have to think about that.
Why?
I've never been to Trieste, man.
I might have
better things to do.
I think I'll take a couple of days off.
Huh, I bet I know why an' all.
- You know what?
- What?
That bird on the boat.
Do you know what her name was?
No, go on, surprise me.
Abigail.
Abby what?
Abigail, Abby for short.
That bothers you a bit, doesn't it?
What does?
You know, the one that got away like.
Oh, I'm taking me time.
Yeah?
This one's rather special.
It's gonna take a little bit of time.
What, a week?
- I'll bet ya.
- Tenner?
Right, you're on.
Right.
Hello, mom.
Hello, son.
Thanks a lot, Alfie.
Mind how you go.
Okay, tata.
Randiest area in the world, London.
Randiest city in the
world if you asked me.
Think of it.
All around you, thousands
of randy little birds
all dying to get laid.
It's all right, Claire.
I'll give you a hand.
Oh, keep your hands to
yourself you randy sod.
How's your old man then?
A lot you care.
Is he giving you enough then?
Oh, piss off, you dirty minded bugger.
Let me help you.
Do you know what I'd
like to do with you?
Both of 'em.
You know, I think she fancies me.
Not bad, eh?
If you're gonna get laid, you
might as well do it in style.
Beats the back seat of a car, right?
Right.
Hello, Norm.
Hello.
Come in.
You going out then?
No, I always ponce up like this
before I go to bed.
Oh, Alfie.
What am I gonna do?
About what?
Dunno.
Life.
That's a big word for
a girl like you, Norm.
Alfie.
Oh, Alfie, not all the bloody time.
What's the matter, have you
turned lesbian or something?
You know what I mean.
No, what do you mean?
I was going down to the launderette.
I can think of something
better you could go down to.
You really have got a
one track mind, Alfie.
Well, just for a change,
why don't you talk to me.
Tell me something.
Norm, please belt up.
Tell me something.
I told you something.
Please belt up.
I mean, talk to me, Alfie.
Nicely.
Oh, tell me you like me.
You don't have to mean it.
Just because I give you one,
doesn't mean I've got to talk to you.
Well, that's just how
much you know about women.
You, the great bloody expert.
Well, it's at times like this
a girl likes to be told things.
To be chatted up.
Well, tell me you like me hair
or I've got a nice body or something.
I like your hair.
You've got a terrific body.
Now, come here.
Ooh!
It's always the same with you.
You've got no finesse,
that's what you ain't got.
Women!
They always want to make everything
into a bloody great romance.
Well, it's just that a girl likes
to be respected, that's all.
Rubbish!
A girl likes to be treated like a woman.
The more you respect them,
the more they go off you.
It's in their nature.
I'm 20-bloody-three, Alfie.
I can't go on just getting
laid and screwing around.
I wanna get married.
I want a home, I want kids.
Oh, you just don't seem to
understand these things.
Okay, Norm.
Take it easy.
I just don't wanna be an easy lay.
Course, you don't.
I wanna be treated proper.
Course you do.
I want a fella who talks to me,
instead of just banging me like
I was a bloody door knocker.
I'll talk to you, Norma.
What do you want me to say?
Anything.
Would you like to hear some poetry.
Do what?
Some poetry.
All right.
I love you in your negligee.
And I love you in your nightie.
But when the moon shines on your tits,
by Christ all bloody mighty...
Oh, oh Alfie.
I'll ring her chimes
before the evening's out.
Alfred.
Alfred.
You look very nice.
You do too.
Alfie, not so fast.
Mind my hair.
Mind my hair, it's a wig.
Now then, how do you like your martini?
Dry?
No, wet.
It's all very piss elegant.
Must you be so coarse, Alfie.
Elegant, I said elegant.
Thank you.
Salute.
Cheers.
How is it?
Perfection.
Oh, I'm glad you wore a tie.
You don't usually bother.
Ah, but I know how you like
these little touches, Fay.
Well,
shall we dine?
Thank you, Alfred.
I do hope you like vichyssoise.
Delicious.
A few croutons.
Thank you very much.
Would you see if the wine
is sufficiently chilled?
To a degree.
It's just a simple little Chablis,
but I think you'll be
amused by its presumption.
Presumptuous?
I'd call that down right cheeky.
So, you see, Alfie,
one can have a pleasant evening
without jumping straight into bed.
It makes a change, Fay.
It makes a change.
I see no reason why one shouldn't try
and bring a little
elegance into one's life.
After all, these days, the average person
is so coarse and vulgar.
A little refinement goes a long, long way.
Oh, you bastard.
Oh, you dirty, filthy swine.
Oh, how can you do this to me?
I'm a respectably married woman.
Stop it!
Oh no, don't stop it.
Oh!
In case you're interested,
for dessert we had orange sorbet
with Grande Marniere sauce.
Very tasty.
- Hello.
- Hello, Fay.
It's Harold.
Harold.
I didn't wake you, did I?
No, darling, no.
I was just watching television.
What sort of day did you have?
Nothing much.
I did a bit of shopping today.
Oh, God, I've had a busy day.
I miss you, you know.
I miss you too, darling.
How did the meeting go?
Fantastic.
Everything went very well.
Oh!
That's wonderful, darling.
When will you be home?
I'll be home tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night.
That's, that's wonderful, darling.
Wonderful.
Bastard!
Darling, what?
What'd you say?
Nothing, darling.
No, nothing.
It was just a bad connection.
It's the best connection
you've ever had.
Shut up.
Hello, Fay.
Are you still there?
Look, I'll be home about seven.
Good.
Good, darling.
I'll see you about seven.
I'll have something ready for you.
It's all ready right now.
Goodbye, darling.
- God bless.
- God bless, darling.
God!
Ooh!
I've met some kinky birds in my time.
You know what she finally got me at?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Can I help you, sir?
Yes, do you have someone
with you here called Abigail,
I'm not sure about the second name.
Oh, I think you mean Miss Somers.
Yeah, that's it.
Do you have an appointment, sir?
Afraid not.
Who should I say is calling?
Mr. Alfred Elkins.
Would you like to
take a seat, Mr. Elkins?
Thank you.
Hello, Miss Somers.
There's a Mr. Elkins here.
Where are you from, Mr. Elkins?
You'd better say Southampton.
He says he's from Southampton.
Yes, Miss Somers.
She'll be right out, Mr. Elkins.
I thought we discussed this already.
Look, if you wanna spread
it out over two pages,
you've got to break it up with pictures.
Well, what about the
advertising material then, John?
I'm not having my pictures screwed up
with bloody adverts.
Listen, it's the advertisers
who keep our magazine going,
darling, not your pictures.
Oh, all right, I'll paste it up again.
I'll let you have it as soon as I can.
Okay.
Oh!
I just thought I'd drop in.
Miss Somers, do you want the
layout meeting this afternoon
or shall I cancel it?
Oh well, are the
pictures ready yet, John?
Of course.
John, give a moment.
Ah, yes, then we'll
make it at four o'clock.
I'm terribly sorry, I'm very busy.
Well, you can save us both a lot of time
is you say, "Yes, I'll have
dinner with you tonight."
There's an
editorial meeting at 7:30.
Sorry, nice of you to drop by.
Oh, are those the Jamaican pictures?
Yeah, I've blown those three up.
I think they're pretty good.
Oh yes!
Oh, I like that one.
There's a bit too much sky here,
do you think you could crop it off here?
What about tomorrow then?
I seem to remember, there's a reception
at the Brazilian Tourist Office.
Abby, we still have to
finalise these bullfight spreads.
Yes.
- Hugh!
- Yeah, Abby.
Do you think you could
get a picture in there?
Yeah, yeah, no problem.
All right, well, will you
work it out between you then?
Yeah, we will.
Wednesday.
Mr. Elkins.
Alfie.
As you may have noticed,
I'm a working girl.
I have a living to make,
and I'm at this precise moment, working.
Thursday.
I'll be in Paris, Thursday.
Miss Somers, there's a
call for you from Paris.
Thank you.
Friday.
Ask my secretary.
Friday?
I'm sorry.
She has a television interview.
The photographs you
asked for, Miss Somers.
Oh, super, Sally, thank you.
Hello!
Saturday?
Sunday?
Well, you tracked me down.
E for effort.
Look, I'm making a right fool of myself
chasing around this office.
Just say you'll have
dinner with me one evening.
Did it ever occur to you
that I might have a steady boyfriend
or be engaged?
Well, I try.
I'm very flattered.
I'm sure.
Well then, Bakey, final check.
Authorization permit?
Yeah!
- Manifest.
- Yep.
- Carnet.
- Yeah, yeah.
Now, you've got your return carnet?
Yeah, I've got all that.
Hello, Alfie.
- How do.
- Hey up.
And your record book?
- Yep, I've got it here.
- Well, that's it then,
Trieste.
Are you ready then, bud?
We're off.
Have a nice trip, Alfie.
I met this fantastic
bird over the weekend.
You don't say?
Honest, she's mad about me.
She'd have to be.
- What?
- Mad.
She wants to get married.
You didn't say yes, did you?
Well, I said I'll think about it.
Then you must be mad an' all.
Listen, what's the matter with you?
Nothing.
You owe me a tenner, don't ya?
Why don't you piss off?
Hey, I'm looking forward to Trieste.
Lots of sun, women.
Hey, you've been to Trieste,
Alfie, what's it like?
You may be going to
Trieste mate, but I'm not.
Here, I'll put this up for ya.
Hang on, I'll give you a hand.
No, it's all right.
What's the matter?
Are you all right?
I've done me back.
Mr. Parker.
What's up?
The pain.
Alfie!
What is it?
What's he done?
He's done his back in.
Oh no!
The agony, Mr. Parker.
Try standing up.
I can't move.
We'd better get him
to a doctor right away.
Yeah, round me neck.
- Steady.
- Go on.
Careful.
We're gonna look after
you, you know, Alfie.
You're our best man.
Thank you, Mr. Parker.
Well, here's a prescription
for some embrocation.
Do you think you can get
someone to rub it for you?
Oh, I think I can manage that.
Yes, and your medical certificate.
Thank you, doctor.
Now, a hard bed and plenty of rest.
Okay.
All right buddy.
Have they got you sorted out?
Ah, I think so.
Thank you very much, doctor.
Ah, don't mention it.
Bye!
Bye bye.
Hang on a minute, Alfie.
What's the matter with him?
He's done his back in.
Yeah, and I bet I know
how he did it an' all.
Jealousy will get you nowhere.
Right.
You're a real pal, Bakey.
That's all right.
Do you want me to come in?
Give you a hand, take
your clothes off and that?
No, I don't want to be a burden,
but can you take this medical
certificate to Mr. Parker?
Yeah, right.
Look, it's no bother,
I'll give you a hand.
I'm all right, honest.
It's this little one.
This one?
Well look, you just take
care of yourself now, eh?
I will.
- 'ere are.
- Thanks, Bakey.
Thanks for everything.
That's okay.
- Ta-ra.
- Ta-ra, Alfie.
It's wonderful what a
couple of aspirins will do.
Well,
give up?
You can really handle that thing.
Yes, we birds can drive, you know?
And all this just so I could ask you
to have dinner with me.
When you want something,
you sure try hard enough.
Come on, what's so important
that you can't have dinner with me?
Would you believe that
I'm supposed to have dinner
with Lord and Lady Sedgwick?
Well, what about the workers then?
What about the workers?
Come on, The Savoy if you like?
I can afford it.
Capitalist.
Come on then, let's go.
Okay.
What's the matter?
Do you know what you're doing?
Yes!
That's good.
Now,
put it in neutral.
I think I can work that one out.
Thank you.
That's for having a sense of humour.
I think I'm gonna need one.
Hey, where are we going?
My place.
Can that be bad?
This is the first time
I've been pulled by a bird.
Here we are then.
And very nice too.
Would you like a drink?
No, thank you.
Sure?
Quite sure.
See?
Persistence.
That's what you gotta have.
I'll give her a couple of
minutes to get herself ready,
then I'll move in there like King Kong.
If you really want something in this life,
and you try hard enough, you'll get it.
Right.
We're on.
What's the matter?
Is it me?
No, it's not you.
I don't understand.
It's never happened to me before.
Come on, lie back.
Come on.
That's better.
Now, relax.
That's the trouble.
I am relaxed.
You're too tense.
Let's talk.
Talk!
Talk about what?
The fact that I'm a cripple?
Is it that important to you, Alfie?
Bloody right, it's important to me.
I need a drink.
Well, I guess that's it then.
Is it just sex?
Is that all a relationship is to you?
In my book, a relationship
starts with sex.
Then the book's wrong.
Maybe.
I like you, Alfie.
If I'm not bothered, why should you be?
You don't understand.
Oh, yes I do.
I understand all right.
I understand that the only thing
you want from me is a screw
and if you can't get it, then you're off.
Well, frankly, I find
that bloody insulting.
I would have thought I had
more to offer than that.
Just a minute.
I get the feeling that you think
that I just pick up any man I fancy
and take him to bed.
You're wrong, you know?
If you say so.
I say so.
I'm not an easy lay.
Good for you.
Look, you're the one
that been chasing me
all around the bloody place.
Now you make feel like a whore.
I'm sorry.
I think I'd better go.
Yeah, if you didn't get
what you came here for,
there's no point in
your staying, is there?
Oh my God.
I think I've just been raped.
Any complaints?
What are you trying to prove?
It was all right, wasn't it?
Do you love this bloody bird?
Don't be ridiculous.
Well, you don't have
to take it out on me.
It's just never happened before.
There's always a first
time, Alfie, even for you.
It was such a shock.
I had to see you.
Poor baby.
There's nothing wrong
with you, I promise you.
Thank God for that.
Except that you're in love with her.
Do me a favour.
Look, it's one thing to bang someone,
and it's another think to make love.
And you Alfie, God bless you,
you just don't know the difference.
You think that loving and
fucking are one of the same.
I've never heard of
one without the other.
Well, it happens, you know?
Do you love your husband?
Yes.
Yes, I suppose I do.
But does he lay you?
Oh, what's that got to do with it?
Does he?
Not often.
Well, what kind of love is that?
That every time he goes to Birmingham,
I come round creeping up the back stairs.
He's still worth two of you.
He's kind and considerate,
and he sends me little gifts
and flowers on my birthday.
I bet you don't even
know when my birthday is.
But he doesn't give you enough.
Oh, listen.
I may need you from time to time,
but I wouldn't change him for you,
not if you were the
biggest stud in London.
You think all a woman
wants is that bloody thing.
You're like a kid with a new toy.
So, what's that got to do
with what I'm talking about.
Nothing.
I just wish you loved me a bit, Alfie.
What day is it?
Wednesday.
But yesterday was Monday.
Yesterday was Tuesday.
Oh God, get up.
What's the matter, Fay?
The door's locked.
Just a minute, Harold, darling.
I'm in the bath.
Get out the window.
Quickly.
- My shoes.
- Your shoes.
Here.
I'm coming, Harold.
I'm coming.
Look darling, why don't have a drink?
Yeah, yeah, all right.
Drink first, sex later.
I'll have a double.
And a double it shall be.
What a day.
- Terrible.
- Dreadful.
Next time I'll buy
her a bloody calendar.
What have
you been doing yourself?
Well, I went to
the hairdresser's today
and had a new style.
Well, that looks great.
I'll tell you what I
did, about six o'clock.
Got down to this campaign straight away.
Now, when I got to to bread...
Who's that?
Oh, really I think
the cat must have got out.
Right.
- Hello, Alfie.
- Bakey!
I want you to meet me fiancee, Gloria.
Come on love, come in.
Alfie, Gloria.
Glad to meet you, Alfie.
Hello, hello.
Well, what do you think?
You crafty bastard.
I told you she was smashing, didn't I?
You didn't say she was bloody fantastic.
Come and have a drink.
Right.
Will scotch be all right?
Yeah, smashing, thanks.
Listen, we're getting married.
Next Saturday week, aren't we?
Yeah.
- Married.
- Yeah!
Will you be the best man?
Pleasure.
Seeing as how you're
Bakey's best friend.
Well, if I'm his best friend,
and I'm also gonna be the best man,
I might as well give the bride a kiss.
Alfie.
I'm the groom, you're the best man.
Congratulations.
Did you see his face when he saw you?
- Yeah!
- Ah.
Give him a right bloody shock, that did.
Yeah, he's a good bloke though, you know?
Yes.
Are you Elkins, Alfred Elkins?
This your wallet?
Yes!
I've been looking for that everywhere.
Thanks very much, come in.
Would you like a drink?
Yes, please.
Scotch all right?
Fine.
It's very good of you,
where did you find it?
Under my bed.
Hello.
Alfie, this is Fay.
Harold found your wallet,
he's on his way over.
You're too late, darling.
He just left.
You didn't hurt him, did you?
Alfie?
Hello, Travel World.
Could I speak to Miss Somers, please?
Could you tell me where she
is, it's very important.
Well, she's on a photographic
session in Hyde Park.
Won't be back in the office till six.
Beautiful.
Okay, love, thanks a lot.
Hello.
I'm terribly sorry, I'm very busy.
If I could just have a word with you.
I thought you made yourself
pretty plain the other day.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
The car's ready, Miss Somers.
Thank you.
Could we take a walk?
I came on a bit strong the other day,
and I said a few stupid things.
But if it means anything
to you, I'm sorry.
Well, I guess that clears that up then.
Wait a minute.
Now, I don't know how to say this,
but I've never met anyone
quite like you before,
and I don't want to lose you.
- Mister...
- Run along, son.
Mister, will you get my boat back?
What boat?
Out there?
You want me to get it?
If you hold on a minute,
the wind'll blow it back in.
But I've got to hurry up and get home.
Well, hold on then.
Here, go on.
Thanks, mister.
Hello.
What's all this in aid of?
Is it your birthday or something?
No.
I just felt like throwing a party.
Drink?
What have you got?
Whisky, gin or dry martini, sir.
I'll have a scotch please.
Happy birthday.
Hello, how are you?
Abby, darling.
How are you?
You look wonderful.
- Hi, darling.
- Hello, Terry.
Terry here's trying to tell us
he made a center-fold in Playgirl.
I'll be with you in a minute.
The man has been making
an absolute fortune.
Mind you, I think his
work's absolutely shit.
Anyway, so, you know these
A&R men, no creativity.
Everything okay?
What did you ask me here for?
I wanted to see you.
We still didn't make that dinner date.
How about next week?
I shall be in France, all
next week, photographing.
Where?
Little fishing village in
Normandy called Honfleur.
You've probably never heard of it.
When are you going?
Monday.
Right then.
I'll meet you on Monday in Honfleur.
Do you think you could?
I've got this boss, you see,
and every time I bend down,
he thinks the sun shines.
If I wanted to go to Hong
Kong, he'd fix it for me.
Abby, darling, drinks are flowing
like glue out here.
Coming.
See you Monday in Honfleur.
I'll be there.
Morning, Mr. Parker.
Alfie.
The back, how is it?
A remarkable recovery.
A miracle, in fact.
Marvellous.
Now, how about a nice run to Rouen.
Well, I've got Fred going down to Rouen,
but I've got a very
nice, little run for you
down to Istanbul.
Marvellous, this time
of the year, Istanbul.
Stick Istanbul, I want Rouen.
Think of all them belly dancers.
Fred can have the belly
dancers, I'll have Rouen, okay?
Fred will be very upset.
Fuck Fred.
If you say so, Alfie.
Christ, I've never
seen you push so hard.
I've had one cheese sandwich and a piss
since we left Southampton.
What's all the hurry?
Love, my boy.
Love.
What, you?
Yes, me.
Now, I know you're round the twist.
I don't know how it
happened, Mr. Parker.
It just blew, just as we
were pulling into Rouen,
and I've been all over
this God forsaken town
and I can't find a spare gasket anywhere.
Can I get one shipped down from Brussels?
I can't move without it, Mr. Parker,
'cause I'll blow the whole engine.
I'm as pissed off as you are.
I've got a date in London.
It'll take at least three days.
Well, do the best you can, will you?
Thanks.
Bye.
I've heard some liars in my time.
I want three days
off and I'm gonna them.
Monsieur Elkins?
Yes, pet.
Listen man, I'm getting
married on Saturday.
I guarantee you'll be back by then.
Anyway, it gives you time to
buy Gloria a wedding present.
But you won't let me
down, will you Alfie?
No, I promise you.
Get me bag for me, will you?
Yeah, here.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Right, I'll see you back
here in three days time.
Yeah, right, well I'm
counting on you, man.
You can rely on me.
♪ Just the look on your face ♪
♪ Shows the world how you feel ♪
♪ Alfie darling ♪
♪ Love is real ♪
♪ When you touch me I hope ♪
♪ That you'll always be true ♪
♪ Alfie darling ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ To hold onto my heart ♪
♪ End it Alfie, like we start ♪
♪ It's no game that we play ♪
♪ You must love in return ♪
♪ Alfie darling ♪
♪ You must learn ♪
♪ Use your eyes to see ♪
♪ What I gave you ♪
♪ You gave me ♪
Do you wanna hear something silly?
Tell me something silly.
I'm in love with you.
And I've never said that
to anybody before, ever.
I'm glad you said it to me.
So, how about you, how do you feel?
Alfie?
What?
I love you.
Alfie.
Oh!
Right, let's have
everyone looking this way.
One big happy picture.
Big smiles, right, hold it.
Okay, Bakey?
It's all going well.
What time you getting off?
- 2:15.
- Yeah?
We're getting the train
to Brighton, aren't we?
What you gettin' the train for?
I've got the car here,
I'll give you a lift.
- Will ya?
- Yes, come on.
- It's over here.
- Come on, missus.
Don't worry, it'll be all right.
I must say, there's nothing
like a sunny weekend in Brighton.
So, whose great idea was this?
You wanted to go for a walk.
And I can think of
somewhere better to do this.
Me too.
Come on.
You know, I envy those
two, Bakey and Gloria.
They've fallen in love, they get married,
and she gets in the family way,
if she's not that way already.
And that's all there is to it.
Right.
But it's not as simple as that, is it?
No.
What do you want out of life?
Same things?
A home, kids?
I don't know.
Well, I've never
thought about it myself.
Until now.
Oh, Alfie.
I don't know.
You try and give the impression
of being so world wise.
Yet, underneath all
that, you're just about
the most romantic man I've ever met.
Well, it doesn't do to let
the enemy know your weakness.
The enemy?
Are women the enemy?
Well, in some ways.
I mean, it seems to be a
sorta game you gotta play.
I don't play games.
I know you don't.
Abby?
Uh huh.
Will you marry me?
Did you hear what I said?
Yes, I heard what you said.
Well, I'm asking you to marry me.
The least you could so
is give me sort of reply.
Oh, piss off.
I love ya.
I know.
And I'm asking you to marry me.
Alfie.
Alfie, you there?
Jesus bloody Christ.
What in God's name do you want?
Alfie, I've gotta talk to ya.
It's three o'clock in the morning.
I know man, it's important.
Can't it wait till tomorrow?
No, that's just the point.
It might be too late by then.
Well, give us a minute to get dressed
and I'll see you down in the lounge.
Right, thanks.
This is the second time you
made a bloody idiot out of me.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to, Alfie.
Honestly, I don't.
You said you loved me.
I do.
Well, what's your bloody problem then?
You too good for me or something?
Oh, don't be silly.
Where are you going?
I don't know.
Some bloody drama with Bakey or something.
If you're making a fool out of me,
I'll kill ya, I really will.
I'm sorry to bother you, Alfie.
I don't know what to do, man.
I really don't know what to do.
Do about what?
I can't...
Here we are, sir.
Thanks very much.
- Cheers.
- Thank you, sir.
It won't work.
I tried, man, I bloody tried and tried.
She's up there, she's crying her eyes out,
says she's humiliated.
Is that all?
Can you think of anything worse?
Gloria's a very attractive girl.
- Yeah...
- It's your wedding night.
I know, exactly.
Well, it's just like being an actor.
It's your first night, your opening night
and you can't remember the
words and you're nervous.
Listen Alfie, you're
an experienced bloke.
Has it ever happened to you?
Me, no!
It hasn't happened to me,
but I've heard about it.
Have you?
I think you should go back upstairs,
just get into bed, lie back and relax.
Talk to her.
Talk to her?
Yeah, just talk to her.
Will it work?
And I don't know what
the rush is all about.
You've got another 50 years of marriage.
I'd better get back upstairs.
She'll be wondering where I am.
Take it easy.
Just remember, take it easy and relax.
All right, thanks, Alfie.
Abby!
Abby.
I'm sorry, Alfie.
What the hell's going on?
It's just that...
I don't want to let you down,
but I can't get married, not yet.
Where are you?
Your taxi's here, miss.
Thanks you.
I'm sorry, Alfie, because
I really do love you.
The young lady, where did she go?
Just left in the taxi, sir.
She really did me a favour really.
Can you imagine?
Me, married with two kids,
living in a semi-detached in Wansworth.
It's beyond belief.
What do you think about it?
I never said a word.
Well, can you imagine me, married,
just settling down, you know,
and a little girl like you
comes round for a drink,
flashing everything she's got?
I mean, how could I stay faithful?
I mean, how could I keep me hands off you?
Alfie.
You are irresistible, Norma.
What are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
Well Alfie, not in here.
Come in the other room?
Alfie, be careful.
Oh, oh!
Oh, Alfie, whatever is it?
Oh, me back.
I've done me back.
Oh, oh, let me help...
Don't touch me.
Well, what can I do?
Get a doctor.
Quick, please.
Well, how's that, Mr. Elkins?
Comfortable?
No, it's bloody painful.
Yes, well, I'm afraid
you're gonna have to keep
it on for a few days.
I'm not gonna fancy this at all.
Yes, well I warned you to
take it easy, Mr. Elkins.
I know you did, doctor.
Haven't much choice now, have you?
Well, just get this prescription made up.
How'd you come to do it anyway?
It's not bloody funny.
Yes, well, I'll drop in again tomorrow
to see how you're getting on.
And whatever you do, try not to move.
I couldn't bloody move if I wanted to.
'ere, Alfie.
Do you think you can get
workman's compensation
for injuries received whilst on the job?
Oh.
Mr. Elkins.
Oh, he's not well, he's hurt his back.
Yes, I know, that's why I've come.
My name is Abby.
Oh!
Come in.
He's been telling me all about you.
Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a neighbour.
I just dropped in to
make him a cup of tea.
Alfie, there's someone to see you.
Well, I'll be running along now.
Bye.
Who is it?
Well, you can bloody well
piss off for a start.
What happened?
I banged it, in a manner of speaking.
What are you doing here anyway?
Bakey called me at the office.
He can mind his own
bloody business an' all.
Is there anything I can do?
Yes, just let me die here in peace.
I bought you some magazines.
Some grapes as well, I bet.
What do you want anyway?
You've had your fun.
You don't need anymore laughs, do ya?
No.
I'm sorry about the other night.
It's just that, when
you mentioned marriage,
I panicked and got scared.
So, I came to apologise
and say that I was wrong.
Besides, what's the point of running away
from someone you love?
I'd like to marry you,
Alfie, really, I would.
If it's not too late.
You know what it is?
You know what it is with you?
You didn't like being asked,
and so you had to do the asking.
Alfie Elkins,
will you marry me?
I have a good job, exciting prospects.
I can cook,
and I love you.
You sure?
You won't change you mind?
Uh-uh!
Listen, I have to fly to Rome tonight.
On your broomstick.
On my broomstick.
But as soon as I get back,
and when you're better,
we'll get married.
It's like a bleedin' brothel out there.
They ought to have a red light
hanging outside the door.
If I didn't know you better, Claire,
I'd say you was jealous.
Get off.
Poor Alfie, lying up there suffering.
He can't move a muscle, poor soul.
Well, I bet there's one
muscle he can still move.
Well, don't be so crude.
His back's killing him.
I hope it bloody well does.
I've never seen him so helpless.
Like a little boy, he is.
- He can't move?
- No!
It's a shame.
He can't move?
Push it, it's open.
I heard you was poorly.
So I made you a nice cup
of tea and some sandwiches.
Ooh, they have got you
trussed up, haven't they?
There.
Norma tells me it's your back.
Nasty things, backs.
Now, I've got some nice
cream cheese and cucumber.
Do you take milk and sugar.
What's that pong?
Pong?
Oh, you mean me perfume?
Oh, I just threw a little drop on.
And that dress.
Do you always go round tarted up like that
in the middle of the afternoon.
Do you like it?
It's a bit tight.
You're not exactly skinny, Claire.
Well, I mean, some
men like a bit of extra,
in the right places.
Well, you've certainly got it
in all the right places, Claire.
Have I?
Now, is there anything else you need?
Something else I need, all right,
but I'm not gonna get it lying here.
Does it hurt?
It aches, Claire, it really aches.
A stiff back can be very painful.
Not me back, you silly cow.
Oh!
Oh, well, maybe what you need
is a little bit of massage.
What you doing?
Oh, I don't like to think of
you lying here all helpless.
- Stop it, Claire.
- Unable to move a muscle.
Ooh, you have got it bad.
No, you're just doing
this to get me at it.
Alfie, oh, I'll make it better.
Alfie.
Oh, isn't it good, Alfie.
Stop it.
I must say, when Norma me
you was flat on your back
and couldn't move a muscle,
well, I thought I'd never
live to see the day.
Ooh, let's see what Aunty
Claire can do about it.
I don't believe it.
Oh, Alfie.
Oh, Alfie, it's lovely.
Oh, come on, Alf.
What are you trying,
you're killing me, get off.
Oh, Alfie, come on.
It's gonna kill me this.
Oh, it's lovely
darling, just relax.
Listen, I've just been under the doctor.
- Ooh, Alfie.
- Stop it.
Come on, darling.
- No.
- Oh, Alfie, darling.
No.
What's the matter?
Get off, quick.
Get off.
It's gone.
It's bloody well gone.
I can't feel a thing, nothing.
Claire, you've done me a favour.
Blimey, I've cured him.
The six o'clock for Rome?
The check-in's closed, sir.
Abby!
Abby!
Look, I'm cured.
I love you.
What plane are you coming back on?
It gets in tomorrow morning at 11:30.
I'll be there.
Bye!
♪ Once in a while ♪
♪ There's a smile that
can make you weak inside ♪
♪ That is the time that a man ♪
♪ Has to make his move or die ♪
♪ I know the hour and the day
of the week it came to me ♪
♪ Now I just tell anyone
that I meet that ♪
♪ You saved me ♪
♪ In a word ♪
♪ You took all my cares away ♪
♪ Turn my darkness into day ♪
♪ That's all there is to say ♪
♪ In a smile ♪
♪ All my pain was brushed aside ♪
♪ All my hopes were realised ♪
♪ To you I owe my pride ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
New standard, air disaster.
Now, here
are the news headlines.
It is now officially confirmed
that there no survivors from
the international flight
from Heathrow, which crashed last evening
near Maidstone in Kent.
The death toll now stands at 203.
The plane, en route to
Rome, from Heathrow, London,
had been in the air only 20 minutes,
when according to eyewitnesses,
it burst into flames and
plunged to the ground.
You from the press?
Relative?
I'm sorry.
Where have they taken them?
The bodies?
There are none.
Nothing left.
Just what you see here.
♪ Hold on to my heart ♪
♪ End it ♪
♪ Alfie ♪
♪ Like we start ♪