Alex and Leo (2010) - full transcript

ALEX and LEO

- Olivier ist our man. -
Olivier is not our man!

He doesn't have a beard.
- He doesn't need one.

He needs one before -
shave - afterwards none

It's about shavers, remember?
- Pierre is too expensive!

- You are exaggerating.

- We have to make a
final decision sometime!

- I think it's him!

- Let's go over them again.
- Not again, Heiko, please!

- How about applying
some|exclusion principle?

- How much is this one here?



- How much is this one
here? - Too pale, too German.

- Leo? Leo, are you with us?

He might be in the same room
but roaming on another planet

Leave him alone, Heiko.

- What's your opinion
anyway? - Simon...!

Why? I thought we're
deciding things together.

- Sorry, Simon, I was just... -
Don't be a mouse, be a lion,
Leo!

Babette, why don't we start
casting sessions and invite
everyone again?

Two weeks too late for that.

- No fresh faces anywhere. -
Does it have to be a bloke?

- Well, it's about shavers!

- So what? Women do
shave, don't they?

Shut your mug! Heiko, you
really don't like any of them?

Well... take
another look yourselves!



Let's see... this
here... that's rubbish...

THERE goes a pretty face.

He doesn't even have a beard.

... but we're definite about
the photographer, aren't we?

- Yes, Babette had Marcos in
mind. - You can't be serious!

Why, what have you
got against Marcos?

I don't wanna book him 'cause
he's always on about arts.

- But his art is excellent! -
But we have to sell the thing.

- We will. - This
bloke is gonna ruin us!

- Now say
something, would you, Leo!

- Listen to Babette! - Thanks!

You're sure you want to
prepare the contracts yourself?

Yeah, just some details left.

- See you at your place later
on? - Yes, Carla can hardly
wait.

- Right, nine then. - See ya.

I'd like to pay.

- Keep the change. - Cheers.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.

You've got a black heart.

There, on your shirt.

Oh, bugger!

- Wait. Don't rub it. -
Shit, my pen is leaking.

You might get that off
with salt, I think.

No meeting ahead, I hope?

o, fortunately not.

- Thank you. - No bother.

- Take care, then.
- Cheers. You too.

Hey, Daniel, is that on?
Are you recording us?

No worries. Sits there all the
time. C'mon, say: "I'm sixteen."

- What? - Say "I'm sixteen!"

Er... I am sixteen...

- Now say "I'm
forteen." - ...I'm forteen...

What? Already? Oh.

I thougt you didn't like Jazz.

I don't.

Have you informed him
about your mycosis?

- Sorry? - He's joking.

Right. Just a
joke alright. Haha.

You're early today.

Well, I finished off earlier,
same thing seems to happen here.

hat's his name? -
The name's Roberto.

Roberto, would you mind
getting dressed and leaving?

This might get a bit ugly.

'm really sorry. I didn't
know... If it helps, it wasn't
that great...

You're not really
mad at me, are you?

Not at all.

I was tempted to join in!

Fancy a coffee? Want
me to make you one?

That'd be nice. Thanks.

You disgusting, lying
pig! Stupid dickhead!!

Cute!

That's our chance!

Why? What for?

Since you can't
escape from here,

I can finally
address the m-word again.

I told you we were going
to speak about marriage,

as soon as you can show me five
couples of your acquaintances

who have been married for
over than three years.

- I know at least two. My
parents and this cute couple
from the lake.

Ducks don't count!

Come on, these are
everlasting bonds.

Leo, how long have we
been knowing each other?

Four years?

True. Don't you
think this is serious?

I just don't think I
am the marriage type.

Well, then we got a problem.

Why's that? You always said
yourself you didn't want to
marry!

Leo... Leolet... I am a woman.
We don't say what we want.

...but we reserve the right to
become very, very unpleasant if
we don't get it.

That's what makes
us fascinating.

Get a move on now. They will
b e here in half an hour.

"You've got a black heart..."

I work day and
night to support you,

while you are supposedly
working on your first script!

I come home from work to
catch you with your pants down

stuck up to your nuts
in this gasping child!

How long has this
been going on? Hm?

No,no, don't tell me,
I don't want to know.

Yes, do tell me.
I want to know.

Only asking so I
can actually listen

to a detailed
description of how daft I am!

Don't you wanna switch
the damn thing off?

No, I don't! It stays
right there so I can watch

the whole thing in
context later...

... cause I'm afraid I'm
not going to believe this.

I... I've been bored
rather often recently,

and then I got stuck in
the writing process...

... I don't know...
you've become quite fat...

Out!

OUT!!!

What have I missed?

I was just saying that,
honestly, I don't sympathise
with queers.

I know, Berlin is
supposed to be sooo liberal

but two men having
intercourse - ...

sorry, that's simply
unnatural. I don't get it.

- Well, I think your... -Simon,
can I ask you a question?

Nobody's listening to me.

- Sure, you can
ask me anything.

- Have you ever kissed a man?

Careful with your
answer, Simon.

No, Leo, I have never ever
kissed a man in my entire life.

Ah, come on!

Aaah! Look at this smile!

He's lying!

But you are into anal
intercourse, aren't you?

Well, Leo, since we both
work in the media industry,

I have seen you
kiss ass, and...

Just hark at that

...you have seen me kiss ass.

Meaning yes?

Well, I suppose one is
as good as another.

Have you ever kissed a man?

Yes.

Can I have a top-up?

Am I less of a man now?

I assume this is a question
to be answered by Carla only.

Lips are lips are lips.

I'll have some
Schnapps. Anybody else?

Hey, Tobi! How're you doing?

(polish accent) |How you
can ask question to person

thinking about
existentialism? You know -

- form and
substance of existence and

why existence exists
and how is threatened.

Have you phoned Alex?

I have. He'll
come along later.

- And? - He's all run down.

Have you ordered yet?

Kerstin, there he is again!

Good Lord, I swear, as
long as I am having a face,

this one will always
have a reserved seat.

Why don't you
eventually speak to him?

Peep! Peep!
Ooops! What's this?

Oh, it's an
idiotgram. It's for you!

Dear Kerstin - Stop - You
are sooo naive - Stop -

- You don't speak to attractive
men just like that - Stop -

Is this the reason why you ...

Tobi - shut your face.

Tobias! You're still
among the living!

Man, all my gynaecologists seem
to phone me more often than you
do!

Stefanie, pardon me
for having a life.

You've got more than one?

You have to play them
off against each other

or they'll think
you are an easy lay.

By the way, you're late.

I had to park the car
three crossroads away.

I ran the whole way
because it was raining.

Halfway through, my heel got
stuck in a manhole cover.

When I got my foot out, I
stepped into a puddle.

Then a cab drove by and splashed
me, leaving me soaking wet.

I swear if the hardware store
on the corner had been open,

I would have bought a
knife to kill myself.

What have I missed?

Alex split up with Daniel.
What do you think about that?

I guess one of my
bra-straps snapped.

Has anyone spoken to him yet?

Oh no, Tobi, I hope you were at
least reasonably nice to him.

What was I supposed to say?

I asked him when
what's-his-name is moving out.

Seriously, is he very upset?

I'll get him back on his feet
in no time. Leave it to me.

I don't mean to sound
arrogant, but what did we say

back then when he
fell for this guy?

- We said "Yuck!" -
And we were right.

But we're not
going to rub it in.

How insensitive do
you think I am?

Alex! Welcome to single life!

So that's why we haven't been...
talking to each other for
months!

I thought it was due to stress -
or due to me, stupid cow that I
am.

No, not due to you.

Since when? When
did you find out?

No idea.

You owe me an answer!
After all that we've been

through for the
last couple of years,

you owe me a fucking answer!

I am sorry, Carla, I...

Sorry my arse! I
don't need any excuses,

I want to know where I'm at!

Be a man and stand
up for yourself!

I think I knew all along.

This is just great.

And I really thought these
things happened to other people.

Why does a bloke like you
look for a woman like me

when he is actually gay?

Carla, please...

SHUT YOR FACE! Are
there any fags?

I am sorry.

I never asked you...

... but where were you
when we wanted to visit

my mother for birthday?

What do you want to know?

His name?

You know Leo ...

... you always told me,
you wanted to be a lion.

You know, what you are?

A flea.

And I always hated
the Flea Waltz.

Here's the last rent.
I'll get my things soon.

Six weeks later
Breakfast at Stefanie's

Beautiful!

They don't make films
like that anymore.

Next week you choose a film.

Tell me, Kerstin, what was
this fat, ugly bloke yesterday?

Who?

The porky guy that was waiting
in front of your office when I
came to pick you up.

Oh, him. Mr Kraft. Real
difficult one. Munchausen
syndrome. Incredible.

What's that?

That's ... they used to
be called hypochondriacs.

The Munchausen Syndrome ...
defines people inventing various
diseases

in order to get attention.

Yes, and Mr Kraft has been
suffering from 'cancer' lately.

And his mother bakes a
cake for him everyday now.

If I had known with what kind of
people I would have to deal...

Say, aren't you bound to
doctor - patient confidentialy?

Fiddlesticks! Why did I
become a psychiologist?

To help people?

No. To make sure I never run
out of conversation topics.

I have spiced up many weekend
trips with stories about my
patients.

I can't believe people look
to you for their salvation.

Me neither.

What d' you want me to say?

The loonies pay for my
underfloor - heating.

I don't think a psychiologist
should call her patients
loonies.

But they ARE loony!

Look, from the
astrological point of view

many approaches to
therapy are simply useless.

True, you can't change
star constellations.

Exactly! There is this guy, has
been visiting for two years now.

I sit there, listening to his
gibberish, but I simply can't
help him.

Pisces, ascendant Cancer.
The man is not fit for life

and there is nothing I can do
about it - even if I wanted to.

I am Pisces myself.

It's the ascendant
that matters, Alex.

Exactly. Your
ascendant is Leo.

Leo gets you out of the mess
constantly created by Pisces.

Sagittariusses like me
don't believe in horoscopes.

By the way, Tobi, due to Mercury
in the third house there will be

anhanced aggression in your
life. So please be careful.

Steffi, I always wanted to ask
you - Why do you know Thomas
Gottschalk?

That's my mother.

No shit.

Wicked costume.

Yeeaaaahhh. Good Lord,
she looks like a cross

between Leni Riefenstahl
and Thomas Gottschalk.

And she's wearing
the same stork's nest

on her head as her daughter.

Tobi, out of
professional interest

is it very painful for you

when the other guys in the
locker room are laughing at you?

What I'm saying is
that men with small dick

tend to have huge problems.

Since I know nobody else having
more problems than you...

- Daniel has a
small dick, too.

Alex! Come here. Sit down.

Hey now - how small
are we talking about?

Like this?

Like this? Smaller?

Like this?

Yes, about that size.

- Good God! - You poor thing!

So it's not that much
what you are missing then.

Even the name. Möckerbrink.

Who in God's name is
called Daniel Möckerbrink?

No wonder he's got problems.

You are ri-hight.

Has he picked up
his stuff yet?

- He has. - Well,
that's wonderful!

Means we got rid of that twat
shagger and can live on happily
ever after!

When does your
performance start tonight?

Eight o'clock sharp! Both of you
have a seat in the front row.

Thank you. And now, dear guests,
we clear stage for Roland
Schaller!

You were great!

I don't believe it. My
psychologist is here, over
there!

Where?

Ms Graf! Heelllooo!

Good grief! The bed-wetter.

Who's that?

She's one of my patients.

Come on, let's get
over and say hello.

Good evening, Ms Graf! What a
surprise to meet you here.

What a surprise indeed.

Ms Graf? You're really
called Steffi Graf?

Didn't you know?

Go on, Kerstin,
get it over with.

Excuse me. There's nothing
wrong with mentioning it.

I bet you're the
first one to mention it.

Won't you take a seat?

Ach...

Ach... love to!

May I introduce: Tobias
R*ckert, Alexander Vennemann.

Just Alex.

... and ...

Just Kerstin.

And this here is one of my
dearest colleagues, Leo Krieg.

Leo, don't you wanna sit down?

Well, I was just about to ...

Leo, I beg you! You can't
leave us alone with her!

We already know
know one another.

Nodding acquaintance,
couple of weeks ago.

Oh, the black
heart, I remember.

That's impossible!
He is here, too!

Why don't you at
least say hello?

No way.

So how did you like tonight?

It's getting
better by the minute.

Oh, yes, wonderful.

Say, have you tried
what I advised you to do?

To get to grips with the
problem in question that is.

Oh... yeah, yes... Thank
you, it's getting better.

Maybe I'm not supposed to
drink at this time of day.

Yes, might be wiser.

Cheers!

I really wanted to
hit the road soon.

Fancy ... uh ... dunno
... swapping phone numbers

or something like that?

I was about to leave myself. If
you like, we can go for a short
stroll.

Where are you headed?

I live here in Kreuzberg.
Spitting distance, really.

- If you don't
mind... - No, no.

Cherubs, I have to
get up early tomorrow.

Darling, so lovely of
you to come along.

Speak to you tomorrow.

Speak to you tomorrow.
You were first rate!

I know. Safe journey home. And
don't get yourself into
anything.

Good night!

- What a cut guy!

- What a cute guy!
- What a lame guy.

What? I mean, quite the cock on
his dunghill, don't you think?

You want some?

Honestly? I
couldn't do without...

You are genuinely yourself, much
more than other people I know.

Just putting up a big front.

What are you doing, jobwise?

I work at a
publishing house. Translator.

Which languages?

English, French,
Spanish. So what do you do?

Advertisement.

Do you like it?

I'm still not sure if this
is really my place in life.

Mh. So you are still
looking for your place?

Let's say I'm
looking for it again.

Actually I thought I was home
and dry, everything working out
and all ...

... but I've somehow
lost track of things.

Yes, I know it well.

I've just come out of a
four-year relationship.

My girlfriend just moved out.

I see. Love of your life?

Say ... sure, I
loved her - somehow.

But in a way I don't really
know what love feels like.

Fancy doing something
together some time or other?

Since you know my number and
where I live ... I'd be glad to.

Good night.

But don't you understand,
he's just about to distance

himself from women in general.

I think he's only interested in
me because I am not a woman.

Well, that's a
perfect starting point.

Yes, Steffi, but a
negative one at that!

He wants me for NOT being a
woman and NOT for being a man.

Boy oh boy, why is my
love life so complicated?

Alex, you radiate too
complicated vibrations.

Simplify your vibrations and
your life will simplify itself.

What kind of
stupid line is that?

What d'you want me to
say? Just wait and see.

Wait and see?

How old are you?

Thirty.

Young enough to wait and see.

If nothing happens the next
five years, phone me again.

- See you at midnight. - Yes,
see you at midnight. Can't wait!

I happened to be in the area.

Thought we might have
a cup of tea together

if you don't have
anything else to do.

Err ... okay, sure. Come in.

When did you have
your last good meal?

My last good meal?

That was at the Le Bec Fin in
Wilmersdorf, went there with
Kerstin.

Let me guess. You
had the halibut.

Quite. I had the halibut

and Kerstin had seven Rum Cola
and the phone number of the
chef.

I could cook for you.

Tomato soup, juicy figs filled
with Roquefort cheese ...

... for starters.

The main course would consist
of a pan - fried wood pigeon,

pumpkin and a porcini
mushroom cassoulet.

For dessert ...

... self - made
Mousse au Chocolat

... with raspberries
and hazelnut brittle.

I swear, you'll never want
anybody else cooking for you.

Excuse me.

Daniel, what do you want? No,
I've just got company in here.

A stranger.

No, you don't know him.

None of your business anymore.

No.

No ... no ... I'm
not. Really, I'm not.

Whatever, fair enough ...
Tomorrow four thirty at the
ca© ... Karvana

But only for a few minutes -
I've got many ... yes ...

Look, this here is pointless,
tomorrow half past four,

I'll be there and we can talk.

Ok, take care.
Yeah, see you. Bye.

Sorry.

No problem.

Emotional baggage?

Now, where were we?

Any plans for tonight?

Tonight I'll go dancing with
Steffi, Tobi and Kerstin.

You can come along
if you're up for it.

Mh. I'd rather cook for you.
Although, dancing is great.

I'll leave at 11.

Does that mean we've
got a date? At 11?

Perfect ...

... except for the outfit.

Yeah! Show them, Tobi!

I feel completely impulsive
tonight. Everything, everything
could happen!

I wanna lose my mind tonight.

I wanna wrap myself in colorful
cloths and I - well - I wanna be
black.

Wouldn't that be mind - blowing?
I wish I was Tina Turner
tonight.

Dancing with you.

If you don't let go of me, like
right now, I'm gonna rip the
tiny

bulb that barely lights your
brain right out of your mouth.

- Ready

- Ready? - Ready.

- We are going?

- We are going? - We are.

Right off, we go. Alex will
be there in half an hour.

Tobi, what happened to you?

Since you're not suffering
from cataract, YOU tell ME.

Like a creature
from another world.

... from a BETTER world!

Bloody dark in here.

Somehow I don't feel
comfortable. Everybody stares at
me.

With this haircut?
You're imagining things.

What happens if they
all think I'm queer?

I've never been to
a gay bar before.

Then you pay them back by
thinking they are all queers.

- Hello.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello.
- Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello. -
Hello. - Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello. - Hello.
- Hello. - Hello. - Hello.

He said "Hello" !

What on earth could he
have meant by that?

Was it more like "Hello"
or rather like "Hello" ?

He said "Hello" to me!!

C'mon, nab him, Tobi!

God, we're gonna dance!

Two Gin Tonic, please.

Steffi, it's you!

Steffi, I wanna
tell you something.

This isn't gonna be an
embarrassing moment

that will change our
friendship or is it?

No ...

What you wanna tell me?

I ... I've never
had an orgasm.

Oh, I should have sounded
more surprised, shouldn't I?

Yes, that would
have been very nice.

Here you go. From me to you.

Steffi, thanks, but
I've had enough.

In this case, I'm having that.

Tell me, is Tobi drugged up?

No - that's
exactly what scares me.

Shouldn't he drink
some water at least?

He's old enough.

Alex, I feel sick.

Did he drink that much?

I didn't realise.

Shit! Wanna take
him to my place?

Are you sure?

It's just around the
corner. Give him the spare bed.

Got Aspirin?

In the bathroom,
above the basin.

I'll be right back
with your keys.

- Will you manage?
- I think so, yes.

Leo, can you
understand what I'm saying?

Leo, I'll tuck you
into bed, alright?

Hellooooo! I feel soooo sick!

No, you don't.

I feel soooo sick.

Steffi, you're
really an angel.

I know. Come back soon
or you'll miss the show.

What shall we do with
the drunken sailor ...

Leo! This can't hurt!

- You're heavy. - I
think I'm gonna puke.

No, you won't!

Yes, I will.

Where are we?

At Steffi's place.

Why?

Because you
collapsed at the club.

Why?

- 'cause you had
too much to drink.

- 'cause you had too
much to drink. - Why?

Well, I don't know. Come on.

Come to me!

Lie down, I wanna tuck you in.

But first come to meeee ...

No, I won't.

Pleeeaaase!

No, come on,
Leo, I have to go.

May I ask you something?

I want to go now.

Leo, you can ...

... you already fell
asleep on our way, so ...

Pleeaase, just a
little bit ...

That's looovely.

Let go of me.

I want to tuck you in.

Are you sure?

Will you undress me?

You can do that
yourself, can't you?

C'mon, keep your
hands to yourself.

Leo, I have to
go. Lie down now.

I'm thirsty. Alex?

Undress!

Can't you do that yourself?

Alex? I feel sick!

No, you don't feel sick. You're
lying down, there's no
spinning...

- They have to get off.

- They have to get off.
- Leo, I want to go!

Yes, afterwards!

C'mon, have another drink
and then we'll undress ...

But you have to undress me.

Will you keep your
hands to yourself?

I swear!

Alex? May I ask you something?

Sure, you can ask me anything.

Would you sleep with
someone you don't know?

Not anymore. You?

Nnnope.

Lie down.

Lie down again, Leo.

Just a little bit ...

Leo ... you smell of
booze ... Give me a break!

Am I a lion?

A real - ROAAR! - lion?

Do you want to be a lion?

Yes.

Then you are one.
Leo, lie down.

Alex? I like you an awful lot.

Great evening, wasn't it?

Yes, totally.

Sweet dreams.

Are you alright?

Good Lord! What happened?

Vodka, my pal. Sparkling wine,
champers and eight Spiritus
Sanctus.

What's that?

White wine with two shots
of double corn schnapps.

- Coffee?

- Coffee? - Please!

How are you?

How do I look like?

Why can't you be a friend and
withhold the truth from me?

No way. Wanna join me?

Did Alex sleep
here last night?

No, Leo.

He's having a shower.

Lord, I'm dead in hell.

Please keep your temper.

What have you got against
him anyway? He's cute!

If you think it's cute
that someone has had

too little oxygen
while in the womb.

Tobias, please!

I don't want any
trouble this morning.

I've got a king-size headache
myself.

You haven't been
drinking at all.

Even so! Just keep a
low profile for once.

It's ok.

Roll?

Please no solid food
yet. A fag will do.

Good morning

This smells lovely.

Come, sit down.

You want coffee?

Yes, thanks.

Good morning,
Tobias, how are you?

Are we having a
cuddle party or what?

Tobi ... there's no
milk in the house.

I don't care about
anything today.

Did you sleep well?

I feel splendid, I
don't know why, really.

That figures.

And ... what are
we doing tonight?

Actually ...

Leo ... Leolet, let me
explain something ...

YOU are not part of this family,
you are part of a scientific
experiment.

When it's done and dusted, you
must go back on top of your tree

... to show the others
what you have learned.

Today is my
annual bikini party.

You are not going to
invite him, are you?

What's your problem?

I'l tell you what
my problem is:

You know what, Tobi -
you're a real stupid, daft cow.

Just ignore him - He still
hasn't got the right balance in
his medication.

You're talking
about him or me?

Why don't you
drop by around 10?

Bikinis are obligatory
for everybody, though.

What? for men, too?

- A bit slow on the
uptake, eh, doll?

- Especially the men,
that's the whole point!

You better stay at
home, not your cup of tea.

You don't feel
like accompanying me

to buy any
swimwear, by any chance?

There's nothing I
would like more!

What have I done to
deserve that? Why me?

Why me?

Sorry, took a bit longer.
Have you been waiting for long?

I've been here for an hour,
'cause I couldn't wait to see
you ...

What's this?

Are you serious?

No, I rephrase:
What about the roses?

Don't you like them?

So - how are you?

Since you're gone I
can't eat, I can't sleep...

This morning I rammed a
fork into my tigh just to see

whether I was still
able to feel pain

Aha.

And? You feel something?

Gee, Daniel, I
don't want this.

Wait!

I've missed you so much!

The sight of you
sitting on top of him ...

No, please stop it, Daniel, I
don't want you to touch me!

Alex, please try and
forget about the chap.

I have. It's over and I'll never
do something like this again.

I made a mistake, a bad mistake,
a horrible mistake and I'm
sorry.

I sincerely,
cordially apologise.

I mean, your ex-lovers - haven't
they made any mistakes at all?

Pardon?

Sorry, it's not
that important.

Daniel, I have to be going
anyway, got a lot to do.

I quit script-writing. Alex, the
truth is, without you, I cannot
write anymore.

Without you, I cannot
do anything at all!

I beg you: Come back to
me! We're so good together.

Doesn't that mean
anything to you?

Just a moment please.

Hello, sweetie pie. Just wanted
to know what you're doing.

Ya ... Jasmin! Listen, I
can' speak right now.

I'll call you back in
five minutes, ok? Ta Ta!

My sister.

Listen, I'm dying to go to the
loo. Two minutes. Don't leave.

Jasmin ...

Sod it!

What did you just call me?
Jasmin? What's this all about?

Are you alright?

It's only me, Alex,
remember? We have met briefly.

I interrupted your orgasm
a couple of weeks ago.

Hey, what a surprise! I'm
chuffed! How are you doing?

Hey, Alex, I've
been thinking and ...

Where are you
going? Alex, stay here!

What is it?

Are you alone?

Alone would be an
understatement.

Can I come?

Daniel?

Come round. I'll cheer you up.

My stupidity beggars belief!

Excuse me. I'm a bit
absent-minded today.

When I think of tonight ...

Do we really have to go there?

I can't be bothered to squeeze
myself into a bikini, with all
the others ...

No, there's no way around it.

We have to go. If we don't,
Steffi will go ballistic.

You know, if I were a
smoker, this would be

the moment to
have a cigarette.

Good idea!

A spliff would
come in handy now.

It's better to hold a
cigarette in your hand

than o have no
foothold at all.

But you've got your tea.

Steffi! That daft
cow has my fags!

We're really quite buggered.

Why did I go and see
Daniel, after all that's ...

Heey! You wanted to
clarify things, that's normal.

The git is plainly fucked up.

Maybe you should think of
him as some sort of exercise.

Perhaps ... you are
ready for Mr. Right now.

Perhaps you have
sown your wild oats.

Have you sown your wild oats?

Y E P !

- Must be my delivery!

- Must be my
delivery! - Your sardines?

Jesus, you're quite addicted
to the stuff, aren't you?

One tin a day,
that's my philosophy!

It's the cock on his dunghill.

Steffi, tricky slag that she is,
must have given him my address!

Tobi, you can't do that!

This means war!

You - here?

Steffi asked me to deliver
Tobi's bikini for tonight.

Tell her I'll thank her
face-to-face. When she's least
expecting it.

Don't you want to come in?

- If I don't bother you.

- If I don't bother you. -
You're always bothering me.

How primitive, even for
your standarts, Tobi.

That's my hobby, dearie.

Don't listen to him.

So, how are you doing? You
were a bit out of it yesterday.

I'm fine. No, really, these
last three days were grand.

Wooow! This one's
ultra-flamboyant!

I chose it for you.

Leolet! You're an angel indeed!
I've got something for you.

- Here you are.

- Here you are. - What's that?

A suggestion for your last meal
before execution written by
David Lynch.

What for?

For a full stomach
on the gallows.

Tobi, how many people do you
want to please with this?

Well, I made two
hundred copies.

Please don't take it
personally. I got one, too.

I haven't the faintest idea how
to cope with your gallow's
humour.

Well, you don't have to.
Time to leave! Ta Ta! Waving!

Tobi, you can't be all there!
Are you nuts? That wasn't very
helpful!

I am a lion - I am a lion ...

Ah, there you are!

And I almost thought the whole
shopping tour was for nothing.

- Am I too late?

- No, no, not
everyone has turned up yet.

You shouldn't have.

Come in.

Where's your bikini then?

I wear it underneath.

Chop - chop! Get undressed!

We have to take a
Polaroid picture.

A what now?

Otherwise it's
only half the fun.

And should one of these
blokes ever get rich,

I'll have brilliant
material for blackmail.

There you are!
Really enchanting!

I'm feeling a bit emasculated.

You'll see, this outfit bonds
different people together.

Cute! Come on!

What's happened to Tobi?

Heat and bondage,
the latest craze.

I did warn him - one
stupid remark and...

He preserved for
exactly ten seconds.

It's a lot more comfortable.

Drinks and snacks are here.

That's gonna be Kerstin
and Alex. Just a tick.

You're looking rad!

Adorable.

What a sight you are!

Cheers, I'm about
t get used to it.

Fits perfectly, doesn't it?

What? Usually there's something
hanging out of blokes' trousers.

But Leo seems to have
stowed everything nicely.

Don't worry, she does
that to everybody.

I'll go see the others.

What have you done with Tobi?

We should've done that much
earlier, don't you think?

Brilliant!
Absolutely brilliant!

Promise you'll watch
your venomous tongue

for the rest of the
evening and I'll untie you.

Just give me a nod.

You want m to untie you?
Promise you'll behave?

Have you totally lost your
marbles? Chaining me up for over
4 hours?

ARE YOU MAD?

I've had enough! Bye!

Tobi, calm down. I thought
you had a sense of humour!

Sense of humour? What kind
of friends are you anyway?

You'll hear from my solicitor!

But you don't
have a solicitor!

Not YET!

Tobi, wait! I'm sorry!

- Kerstin, what's up?

- Kerstin, what's up? -
I wanted to have sex.

I wanted to have
sex. Look at the time!

It's past midnight and not
even a tongue in sight!

Mh ... well ... I
don't know ...

Are you up for
it, by any chance?

Not today, love.

Never mind. I know
you fancy Alex.

Is that obvious?

Excuse me? Everybody knows that.
Except for Alex, of course.

He only notices
someone is coming on to him

when he is already
sitting on his face.

Let me give you a
little advice.

Get me a beer.

You do want sex, right?

Well, I ...

Stop babbling! Don't be
a chicken, be a lion!

You do want sex!
Real, virile sex!

Yes.

Alex really likes
you, believe me!

Thing is, he's a bit slow.
Could you open that, please?

You need to be a bit
more assertive about it

if you want
something to happen.

You think I should ...

Hey, this is the perfect time.
Both of you are hardly dressed.

What's more, Tobi is
temporarily hors de combat,

you should keep that in mind.

What has Tobi got
against me, anyway?

You're a bit
slow yourself, eh?

hy are you still
here? Go for it!

Lion! Lion!

So you don't like
men with rosy cheeks?

Don't like red noses either.

Did you enjoy
yourself in the kitchen?

Yes, we had a good chat.

Alex, do you
feel like dancing?

Um - yes, sure, with pleasure!

Hi. I live above you. And
it's four in the morning.

You live above me?

Since when?

For about half a year now.

I can't sleep and I have
to get up early tomorrow.

So I was going to ask you if
you could turn down the music.

But of course.
I'm really sorry.

I like your music. It's
just a bit too loud.

Thanks.

Why do you have to get
up early on sunday?

I work in a gym and got my
first class at ten o'clock.

Can I offer you
anything to get off to sleep?

Coc ... Cocoa tea?

Coc ... Cocoa tea with honey?

Hop tea?

Myself?

What a nice evening.

Yes. Great fun.

I never would've thought a
bikini siuts me that well ...

Whose idea was it anyway?

Don't know.

I think Steffi and Tobi 've
already been doing this before I
got to know them.

How did you meet?

Oh my... That's long ago.
Sometime I was sitting next to
them in the cinema.

I had bought popcorn and when I
started to eat Tobi took it from
me.

So you were too noisy?

Yes, he said: "You get the crap
back when the bullshit is over."

Afterwards we went
for a beer together.

We've been seeing each
other almost daily ever since.

Isn't that too much?

I never thought about
it. They're my friends.

Don't get me wrong, I
think that's wonderful.

I've never had this
kind of friendship.

I meet most of my friends
only a couple of times a year.

You've been on the move.

True. Maybe I'm
simply a loner.

I don't know. I feel
at ease with you guys.

Despite Tobi?

It takes a while to
get used to Tobi.

Back then I kept
on asking myself

what the bloke's got
against me for weeks.

Until I realised: That's
Tobi. That's the way he is.

Know what, I appreciate it
very much being alone with you.

Would you be appalled

if I told you that
I'd like to kiss you?

Yes. I would say "Keep
your greasy hands off me"

We're really good at sex. We
should go on tour with this.

Rather not. My mum would be
sitting in the front row.

And now?

Now I'm going to
have a shower.

No, I mean what are we
doing with ourselves now?

You choose.

What's that supposed to mean?

Leo, I like you. You think I
wouldn't be here if I didn't?

Thing is ...

... I am coming out of
a long relationship

and the last thing I
want is a new one.

Wow. That's rough.

Please don't get me wrong.

What is there to get wrong?

Why don't we
just wait and see?

Alex, I want all or
nothing. End of story.

What does that mean now?

He's got a breadmachine at home,
with which he can make bread!

He's even got a whole grain
shredding machine which grinds
grain into flour-

and he got up at three in the
morning to make rolls for me and
coffee!

Steffi, honey! there you are!

Steffi! At last!

Aaah, what a beautiful
summer! I feel inspired.

Sit down. I'll buy
drinks for everyone today.

Say, how are you? Had a good
day? How are things in your
psycho office?

I haven't got a clue what this
is all about, but it scares me

and I want to know
what's up right away.

He's had sex.

Oh, has another
year passed already?

Ugh! Sarcasms
oozing from your mouth

like brimstone from
a volcanic crack.

Uuuuh, you've been polishing
that sentence for quite a while,
eh?

Right! I've wanted to get
this off my chest some time.

So? Who's the one responsible
for your rejuvenation?

There you are, my little
hot bunny. I've missed you.

Those were the longest
five minutes of my life.

Next time I'll come with you.

Fantastic idea ...

Tell me I'm dreaming.

We seem to have
the same dream.

Hi, Steffi, I'm Philipp.

Hi, Philipp. I'm surprised.

I've been watching
you quite often,

so I'm really chuffed to
get to know you at last.

Tobi and I would like to raise
glasses. Want some sparkling
wine?

No, cheers, I
stick with water.

come on!

Seriously!

See this?

These bars stand for six
years of being clean.

No alcohol and
drugs for six years.

Kudos to you!

I didn't know that.

I always thought it was the
number of her ex-boyfriends.

No, seriously. If I only drink a
skip of sparkling wine, I'll be

licking the waiter's arse
at the end of the evening,

only to buy speed
with his tips.

More sparkling wine?

We'll have another bottle.

And another small
mineral water, please.

No, you hang up first.

No, you!

No, you!

You're still there.

This is a nightmare.

You old romantic, you!

You silly boy, you live above
me, so why don't you come down?

Right, I'll hang up now.

Yes, can do.

Ok, I count to three ...

Then we hang up
at the same time.

One ...

... Two ...

... Two and a half ...

Did you hang up?

Missing you!

He's just had a shower.

Yesterday, he
brought me flowers.

Yeah, very nice, Tobi.

He brought me flowers
... from a FLOWER SHOP!

You got a screw loose? Don't you
realise that Alex is miserable?

Alex? Look Alex, I
thought of something.

You're sabotaging your
own happiness - UH!

This is really gormless - UH!

Tobi - you've just rhymed
happiness with gormless.

I'm still developing.

And you're stupid! Don't
forget you're stupid!

He's got already
your key to the flat?

Tobi's gonna have a shag!
Tobi's gonna have a shag!

Blimey! Stop it, will you?!

Right, emergency meeting.

Has Alex blown it with Leo?

Do you have to
tell him everything?

Just ignore him.

Alex, let me tell
you something ...

You go first, sweety pie.

Alex, love is
like a butterfly.

If you push too hard, it dies.

- And if you don't push
it at all, it flies away.

I'm gonna be sick.

Alex, for me in a
solid relationship ...

Tobi, you've been in a solid
relationship for seven days!

So what? That's about
seven times as long

as the average homosexual
over 25 in this city!

You're over 25?

Oh ... naughty boy!

In the past, I used to go
duck shooting every sunday

with my dad and the dogs.

And every time we came
home without any ducks.

Then we realised we hadn't
tossed the dogs high enough.

Tobi, I hope this
story has a punch line.

What I wanna say is this:

Love is like duck shooting,

you only have to toss
your dogs high enough.

Tobi - You're
completely bonkers!

Looks like this
is a case for ...

SUPER-TOBI!

What are you doing
here? Get lost!

Shut your face! If you can
get addresses, so can I.

Pretty fashionable
here, a real fat cat flat.

What do you want? I really ...

Which part of "shut your
face" didn't you understand?

Sit down, we have to talk.

So ... Leo, I don't like you.

You're a strange little man, the
gap between your incisors is way
too big ...

... and I think
you smell funny.

Still, Alex wants you, so you
go there now to make him happy.

Otherwise I will iron the
wrinkles of your anus with this.

And I don't like
tenderness. Got me?

GOT ME?

Yes, iron the
wrinkles of my anus.

So, get up! Go to Alex.

Leo, I'm terribly sorry. I
didn't mean what I said.

Would you please shut up now?

Like the taste of
his tonsils, Leo?

Oh, don't take any
notice of me, go on.

I promise I won't
feel up myself.

Tobi, if you don't
get lost at once,

you'll have to pick up your
teeth with broken fingers.

There you are.
You're learning.

Has someone find
the lion in himself?

Very sexy.

... and that's
just the beginning.