After We're Over (2021) - full transcript

One fateful Saturday, Zelzah (Adrienne Rose White) receives a call out of the blue from her ex, Sazerac (Chris Mollica). It's the first she's heard from him in the year since he broke her heart and left St. Louis to move home to L...

(gentle music)

(Zelzah sighing)

(phone ringing)

(Zelzah exclaiming)

(breathing heavily)

- Fuck it.

- [Sazerac] Hey Zel, I'm back

in town and was thinking,

grabbing a bite at our spot.

I'd love to see you,

if you want to be seen.

Okay,

guess this is the message.

(soft music)

- Fuck.

If you call me

ma'am, one more time,

I am going to pull out this

palm up and smooge them

around your ears

so that whenever

you digest your food,

you'll hear it and

it'll make you go mad.

- Oh my God, okay.

No more ma'ams.

Okay.

You win, you win.

You were saying something

before all this.

- As I was saying.

- I'm sorry, but if

you're gonna look so sexy,

you can't possibly expect

me to pay attention.

Ma'am.

(soft music)

- [Zelzah] Please don't bring

up that oxygen mask analogy.

It's some bullshit.

- What is wrong with ensuring

that you can breathe

before helping others?

- [Zelzah] I don't

need to breathe,

before I help

somebody else breathe.

- [Speaker] Why do you think

seeing him is such a bad idea?

- [Zelzah] Isn't it?

I mean, it's not like he's not,

not gonna be in New

York anytime soon.

- [Speaker] Well, seeing him

again doesn't necessarily

mean you'll get back together.

Unless that's

something you want.

- [Zelzah] I wouldn't want that.

But I don't know.

(soft music)

- You're here.

- So are you.

- So, that's a no on the hug.

Got it.

- Yeah.

- That's okay.

Rome wasn't hugged in a day,

or wait,

it did burn down one-

- Why are you here?

- My gravest apologies.

I'll be professional

from here on out.

Ma'am.

The gallery wanted me

to do another exhibit,

so I came,

to St. Louis.

- Good for you.

- We're always trusting our gut.

What if our natural inclination

towards self-destruction,

shouldn't our gut be

the last thing we trust?

- Then what guides you?

Doing the opposite

of what the little

voice inside your

head tells you?

- Well, that seems like

it can cause problems.

- Maybe your intuition is

God speaking through you.

- I thought you didn't believe.

- I don't fucking know,

but there's something

there that says,

this guy Sazerac,

he's something.

So, see what kind of something.

- [Sazerac] What?

- Nothing.

It's just, you're here.

Wasn't what I was expecting

when I woke up this morning.

So, how was your flight?

- It was fine.

Not much going on.

- [Zelzah] Not fair,

we were the fourth largest

city in the country.

- [Sazerac] Only a St. Louisian

would brag about

being fourth best.

- We have the oldest

botanical garden,

the second oldest

symphony orchestra.

I mean the arch is the tallest

monument in the country.

Forest Park is twice

the size of Central Park

and we hosted the best

world's fair of all time.

- Chicago might have

something to say about that.

- Chicago can eat a dog dick.

- You know, New York

is pretty cool too.

- Well, you're from

Long Island so.

- Hey, now.

(Zelzah exhaling)

- I'm good, I just,

we get unfairly knocked around.

- It's not you though.

You're not St. Louis.

Someone could say shit

about your hometown,

but they're not

saying shit on you.

- It just feels

so unfair though.

We have shit.

Fuck.

We have more World Series titles

than any other team in baseball.

- The Yankees have-

- I said baseball.

If the pitchers can't

hit, that's T-ball.

- It's okay.

You're okay.

- [Sazerac] I love you.

Oh, this is not a you

treating me kind of situation.

- Oh, I thought you

were treating me,

guy from out of town

visiting, but you know what?

Sure, straight down the middle.

- So, what are you

up to after this,

fancy cocktail party with

the creme de la creme of

the St Louis art's scene?

- Well, you know,

it's 10 in the morning

and the cocktail party's

usually winding down by now.

- I don't know how it all works.

I'm down here with

the hoi polloi.

- I thought the hoi

polloi were fancies.

- Nah.

We're down here

in the mucky muck.

You're high above.

- High or not, I've

got nothing going on.

You?

- I got errands and shit,

but this was,

yeah.

- Of course.

Yeah.

Do your thing.

This was,

nice.

(soft music)

- Shit.

- What?

- [Sazerac] The

newspaper says the world

is going to end

in eight minutes.

- Shit.

That is a serious bummer.

Eight minutes, huh?

- Oui.

- What shall we do with

the time we have left?

- We could complain about how

the world is going to end.

Or,

(Zelzah laughing)

(soft music)

I want someone who

I wanna talk to,

who makes me laugh and think.

Who I wanna you know what.

Who I also like to look at

after said, you know has been.

You know?

Who I can partner with and

grow with me as I grow.

Who I can also like

raise kids with.

I gotta find all that

in not only one person.

- It's a lot, but what's

a real alternative?

One for, you know,

one for friending,

one for partnering,

and one for rearing?

That's a lot of ones.

- I'm just saying,

why I gotta do things

the way someone else tells

me they gotta be done?

- Okay.

You've found a system where

you can get everything

you've ever wanted and more.

Hit me.

- No, no, I'm the one who says

what's wrong with the system.

You're the artist.

Build me a new one.

- And then can tell me

what's wrong with it?

- Finally, you're getting it.

Come on, build me a system.

- I'll be the, you know guy.

(Zelzah laughing)

- I got some time, but I

gotta stop at home first.

- Yeah?

Cool.

Should I?

I'll meet you there.

Fuck.

The man who laid these bricks.

What do you think,

they were thinking?

- You mean like sense

of satisfaction,

and the job well done,

or more like, fuck now we

gotta start another building?

- I mean, don't you think about

the love that would grow here?

Fights.

The spills.

The kids.

- Oh shit, our kids.

I forgot, do you have

to feed those things?

- No, the couple that

was here before me.

Now, they had a kid.

I mean, that's why

they moved but,

for a few months,

there was a kid here.

(gentle music)

- Maybe they passed

by while we were here.

Smiled to themselves.

We had a good time

in that place.

I hope they do too.

(soft music continues)

- [Zelzah] No, you

gotta wait outside.

- [Sazerac] Okay.

- [Zelzah] I'll just be

a minute, I gotta change.

- [Sazerac] Sure, but

most people wait inside.

- You wanna be most people?

- No, it's just that I'm scared

of getting mugged, or skyjacked.

- Doesn't that usually

happen on a plane?

- Sure, usually.

But these skyjacker are

conniving mother fuckers.

They're always one step ahead

of what you think

they're gonna do.

- Aha.

Well, at least you'll

have a really good story.

- Fine, but just

when you come out,

could you just please be better?

I just-

- Excuse me?

- Sorry I didn't mean better.

I just, if you wanna be mad

at me, or whatever, I get it.

I totally understand.

If we're gonna go to the

botanical garden, or something,

I just, I want it to be better.

- You've had days to get

your head around this.

I'm playing catch up.

Have you seen tears?

Have I thrown anything?

Me going to breakfast

and now maybe to the

botanical garden.

That is better.

Now, if you can be patient,

you're gonna get

a better, better.

(soft melancholic music)

(gently sighing)

- Great day, huh?

- Yeah.

- It's okay to have a bad day.

- It's not bad.

It's just frustrating.

- Why don't you tell me all

about your frustrating day?

- Honestly, I'm okay.

It's over.

Done.

(soft music)

- So, how was your day?

- Are you seriously

still on this?

- I know, it is so fucked up,

that I wanna see what's

going on with my girlfriend.

- We were supposed to present

to the city council this Monday

and they just pushed it

till after the reset.

- That sucks.

But doesn't it give you

more time to prepare?

- That is so patronizing.

- I didn't mean you

weren't prepared.

Just trying to help.

- Maybe don't.

- Right, you're

the helper, not me.

- I,

(sighing)

that wasn't what I meant.

That was shitty me.

- Hey, something we agree on.

- Is Unifying St Louis

even the right place for

me to do the most good?

Sometimes I feel like I'm

just sitting behind a desk

doing Jack shit.

I haven't volunteered

in forever.

I haven't been to a

protest in forever.

- UST wouldn't have

the money to do shit,

if it wasn't for the

grants you're writing.

But yeah, maybe it

feels a little sterile.

Like you wanna get

your hands in it more,

but you're not helping anyone,

if you work yourself to nothing.

- I just wish I knew I

was doing the right thing.

- That's not how this works.

Truth is, you may never

know, in part because

it probably won't be

solved in your lifetime.

- What about the kid that

starts school in a couple weeks?

Just what, sorry?

You're born a century too early.

Try again.

(Zelzah sighing)

(soft music)

- I forget.

What's the street that

always has parking on it?

- It probably makes more

sense if we take the same car.

- Okay.

(gentle music continues)

- [Zelzah] You coming?

- [Sazerac] Yep.

(Sazerac beat boxing)

♪ My name is Zelzah

and I'm here to say ♪

♪ That my name is Zelzah

is what I'm saying here. ♪

♪ I'm out here ♪

♪ I know to play the game ♪

♪ I got everything

and I got my name ♪

♪ I run, I fight I sing I go ♪

♪ I don't know what I'm saying ♪

♪ I won't go slow ♪

♪ I do everything

and I do a lot more ♪

♪ I do everything for

you and you get a whore ♪

(Zelzah and Sazerac laughing)

- So wait.

Am I in the wrong,

'cause you do everything for

me and I still get a whore?

(Zelzah laughing)

Okay.

Wrapped about that.

(gentle sweeping

instrumental music)

- Oh, hello?

- Hey.

- You good?

- Yeah.

I'm good.

(gentle instrumental music)

(water trickling)

- [Zelzah] This is

some no bullshit shit.

I need you to be honest

with me right now.

How'd you get to be so perfect?

- When I was a baby, my

mom held me by the ankle.

She dipped me in

the river sticks.

Wait, or did I have beer dumped

on me at a Sticks concert?

- Give it a rest.

(Sazerac laughing)

(water trickling)

I can't believe

it's been a year.

- I know right?

It's really flown by.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I'm flattered.

I'm kind of in

shock, but I love it.

- I love you.

- It's gonna be fun

when I'm pretty much

the reason you're famous.

- I'll be giving interviews

50 years from now,

being like, what can I

say a muse is a muse?

- I'll still be

here in 50 years?

- If you wanna be.

- I do.

(soft music)

So, did going home get all

your creative juices flowing?

- It did.

I painted some pieces

I'm really proud of.

Hence the show.

I'd love to show you

them if you want to.

- Oh, I mean,

yeah, maybe.

Did you ever finish that one?

- I did.

It's kind of the main piece.

How have you been?

Busy saving the world?

- Just St. Louis.

- That's good though.

- I guess.

Sometimes it doesn't

feel like much.

- It's hard helping

the hopeless.

- St. Louis isn't hopeless.

- I didn't mean to

say that you are.

That you all are.

- What did you mean to say?

- What you're

doing is important.

St. Louis needs the help,

but not more than

anywhere else, or less.

- Okay.

(water trickling)

- This,

isn't how I wanted

all this to go.

(water trickling)

(Zelzah beatboxing)

♪ My name is Sazerac ♪

♪ And I'm here to say ♪

♪ To say my name is Sazerac

is what I'm here to say ♪

♪ Now I might be her every day ♪

♪ But when I do come to

town I have to say yay ♪

♪ So Sazerac in the house ♪

♪ Zelzah in the house ♪

♪ Mother nature in the house ♪

♪ St Louis is the house ♪

Word.

(Zelzah laughing)

- You ruined it.

- Oh, did I?

- Yeah.

- I'll have to live with that.

It's time.

- [Zelzah] Do we have to go?

- Don't worry.

We'll be back.

(soft music)

- [Zelzah] I was

driving home today,

happened again.

- [Sazerac] Oh babe.

- I just go to call her

and then I remember,

God, I wonder who

has her number now?

- Could you tell me about her?

- She was,

always taking care

of other people,

like all the aunties

that couldn't,

or wouldn't go to the hospital.

Just all the fucking time in

the world for other people.

- I wish I'd met your mom.

How'd she...?

- Heart attack.

When I was 20.

I took the semester off

to settle everything.

Missed the deadline

for the next semester.

Plus there were all the

aunties to take care of.

So, I stuck around.

Went to Merrimack College.

- But you Chicago.

- I know, but like,

it just is.

- What about your dad?

- He had split up when I was 10.

He helped,

but like he lives in Little

Rock with a little family.

- You still talk to him?

- Every couple of months.

We cool.

(soft music)

- Without the Mississippi

River, St. Louis ain't shit.

It made us the king shit trading

post way back in the day.

Gave us mud that made the best

bricks in the brick business.

It carved out caves that kept

cold the beer of an empire.

- You had the caves,

but you also need the

influx of the Germans

who didn't just see caves,

but a cooling system.

You needed both.

- Ah, so many people

just got the one.

- I see it all the time.

My grandma was the

funniest fucking woman.

- Must have died with her.

- But the 50s wasn't

interested in her being funny.

So, she was depressed

all her life.

- Was she depressed

because her brain was like,

well, there's no way to be me?

Or because she was

a woman out of time?

- I mean, probably both.

Being in a place where your

gifts are not only squandered,

but seen as problems.

It's fucking hard.

- We're trained to make

do with what we're given.

- That's not a bad thing.

- No, it's not.

But, how much is too much?

- [Sazerac] Are you ready?

- [Zelzah] Mother

fucker, I was born ready.

- [Sazerac] Three.

(bottles clinking)

Two.

(bottles clinking)

One, go.

(gurgling beer)

(bangs beer bottle on table)

(Sazerac laughing)

(Zelzah giggling)

Oh porns.

- This is the happiest

place on the earth.

Fuck this neighborhood.

How often do you

get to be on a bus,

hanging off the

side of a building?

- [Sazerac] On Long Island?

More often than you think.

- Oh okay, sure.

Please.

- [Sazerac] I have.

- No, you haven't told

me what's going on.

If you had, we wouldn't be here.

- [Sazerac] I'm feeling off,

like that all of me is here.

- But why?

Please just let me in.

- Into the bathroom?

- Either,

both.

(people chattering)

- [Sazerac] You ever feel

like if you could just

get outta your own way,

then you'd finally be happy?

- [Zelzah] But what would

that even look like?

Like the Buddhist

ego death thing?

- [Sazerac] I guess so, maybe.

- So, you've got no

ego, no sense of self,

no desire.

Sure, you've got peace,

but what the hell else you got?

- I felt like when I was young,

I don't know, a teenager,

I was on the cusp of something

like figuring everything out.

Like if I only did the right

things, then I'd be happy.

- Aren't you happy now,

on Long Island?

Isn't that why you left?

- Honestly, I don't

know why I left

and I don't think

I found the thing

that I was looking for,

but like there was this

greater potential of happiness.

Then again, maybe if

I keep chasing that

I will miss the happiness

that I have now.

- I always wonder if my

natural state is peace,

but in trying to fix things,

I bring on all this shit.

Or, if the shit

is ingrained in me

and if I fix things,

I can be better.

- It's probably

somewhere in the middle.

But how do you know

the ones to keep,

and the ones to leave behind?

- [Zelzah] Intuition, I guess.

- Is intuition a personal guide,

or tailored by society?

- My intuition voice,

it feels different

from my societal

expectations voice.

- [Sazerac] Any and all your

voices sound good to me.

- That's funny.

They're all telling me

not to fall for your crap.

- [Sazerac] Don't fuck it up.

- [Zelzah] I'm not gonna.

Told ya.

- Sauce.

(Zelzah laughing)

- Do you think we leave

energy wherever we go?

- That sounds like

some woo woo shit.

- Not necessarily.

Everything is an

exchange of energy.

Heat is atoms moving

quickly and shit.

- Then, are you asking

if energy has a memory?

- Sure.

Or, if we leave an outlet,

so when we return we could

plug back in and reconnect.

- I don't know about that,

but there's definitely

places that when I return to,

I can feel electricity

flowing through me.

When I see the arch,

I get one of those

kinds of smiles

where you feel

your whole cheeks.

- So what's that?

Why has my brain decided

that that spot without fail,

I get overwhelmed

with happiness,

but not other spaces than

have just as much history?

- [Zelzah] You must have

left some sort of emotional

trail of breadcrumbs.

- I guess so.

I just wish I had

more control over it.

- There's something nice

about being at the whims

of the winds of your brain.

- Sure.

Until it's a hurricane.

- Where the fuck where you?

- I'm sorry.

- We were supposed to-

- I know, okay?

- No, it's not okay,

okay?

I texted.

I called.

I didn't know if you

were dead, or not.

- You thought I was dead?

(exhaling deeply)

- You don't show

up to the movie.

Okay, fine.

No answer.

Maybe your phone died.

But then I come

home and nothing.

I checked in with Thomas

and he said he talked

to you two hours ago

and that you even

mentioned the movie

and then you didn't come home.

I thought you might have

been in an accident.

So, I started driving

around looking for you.

- I didn't die.

- What the fuck?

Or you're just not gonna

fucking say anything?

- I went to the movies.

I was in the parking lot, but

I couldn't get outta the car.

I saw you standing

there waiting for me,

but I just couldn't get out.

- Why?

- I was thinking about you.

I hadn't seen you

since this morning.

And what if during that time,

something in your brain

went off and you thought,

wait a second, I can

do so much better.

- Are you serious?

- You could go to a

movie and you're in it

and you hear an explosion

in the theater next to you

and you realize that there's

a room full of people,

a wall away watching something

completely different,

listening to something

completely different,

feeling something

completely different.

And you don't know them.

They're just a

person on the street,

or they're your

childhood sweetheart.

And what have they been

doing for the last 20 years?

What will you do

in your next 20,

before you're a wall

away from them again?

I don't want to die not

having done something.

- [Zelzah] That's,

a lot.

- Are you mad?

- Yes and no.

- But some yes.

- Yeah.

It can't just be your anxiety,

or whatever you felt was real.

I drove the route you

would've taken home,

looking for an accident.

That was real to me too.

But, I'm also sorry for

what you went through.

I wish you felt you could

have said something.

I guess it's probably

not as easy as all that.

I wish you would

see a therapist.

- That's your answer

for everything.

It's always a fucking therapist.

Why don't you see one, huh?

- You're right.

I probably should see someone,

but that doesn't mean

that you shouldn't.

- How about you worry

about your shit,

I'll worry about mine?

- Most people don't

not see a movie,

because they're worried

they'll die someday.

- Maybe, they should.

- Is that what you

really believe?

- I can't see a world

where someone can help.

I know what's wrong.

I just need to be better.

- Okay.

- Is that a real okay, or is

that a shutting down okay?

- I mean, I want

you to get help.

And you think the

help won't help.

There's not a whole lot

more to it, is there?

- No.

I guess not.

Are you mad?

- Yes and no.

Are you mad?

- Yes and no.

(Zelzah sighing)

(gentle music)

- This area that

we're in right now,

this was Mill Creek Valley.

- A place where-

- 20,000 black folks got

kicked outta their homes.

Thank God we got all this.

St. Louis has never known

what to make of its blackness.

(whirring traffic)

You ready for the word?

Well, you got the

Osage people living

and loving here on

the river Mississippi.

Luckily the chateau and a

whole mess of French come.

But actually everything's

copacetic, till it's not.

Once we become the hottest

thing on the edge of the world,

the city starts to get greedy.

Why should the county

partake in all our splendor?

This is ours motherfuckers.

So, they split from the county.

My taxes are mine.

And don't nobody give

a about your taxes

and everything's copacetic

till it's not.

Red lines come down

and tell us where we can,

mostly can't live.

When we do go to those places,

the white take flight,

or places like Mill Creek Valley

are deemed too dangerous.

So they kick out

20,000 black folks

and sure, violence goes up.

But what do you expect

when you make us so poor,

we can't afford nothing else?

And when you kill Michael Brown,

yeah, we gonna burn

shit to the ground ,

even when what we're

burning is all we got.

But I honestly believe

if you bring the city

and the county back together

and spread that sweet

tax money around,

St. Louis can be a gateway

to more than just the west.

You feel me?

(soft music)

So, I'm 18

and I think I am the

hottest shit to hit the fan.

- I bet you were a heartbreaker.

- I have this boyfriend.

Ugh,

love of my fucking life.

Like in the way that you

kind of just can't feel

after a certain age.

- Great, I'm so glad I met

you after that certain age.

- So, we've had sex

a couple of times

and I thought it was great

'cause it didn't hurt

and I've give him

a couple blow jobs.

- All at the same time?

- Oh yeah, he got a good deal

and was too good to pass up.

- [Sazerac] A steal's a steal.

- And I get this wild

and crazy thought

that I might just want him

to do the same thing to me.

One night my mom isn't

home and he comes over,

puts on his minor's hat.

- Please tell me he

actually did that.

- Can I tell the fucking story?

- Sorry.

- And he descended

into the abyss.

Let's just say,

he tried his very best,

but he did not strike gold.

- You did not exclaim Eureka.

(Zelzah giggling)

- He got so

frustrated and yelled

that I, I don't know

that it was all my fault.

I was a slut for wanting it,

but also that,

something was wrong with

me for not liking it.

And my mom came home.

She was just so shocked.

I don't think she realized

that I was having sex yet.

Just so fucking shocked.

And she yelled at me too.

(soft music)

That really fucked me

up for a long time.

(soft music)

This is where my mama grew up.

- What happened?

- People move.

Then other people come

and take the bricks.

I mean, they're places like

this all over the north side.

(whirring traffic)

- I bet it used to

be so beautiful.

- It still is.

It's just different.

I'm gonna do

something with this,

someday.

Do you think you love me more?

- [Sazerac] I hell

fucking yeah I do.

- Bullshit.

I totally love you

more and I know that.

- Oh yeah?

Prove it.

- [Sazerac] Now

who loves you more?

- The Guide Dog Association.

How's Ally?

- She's good.

Finishing up culinary school.

Pastrying it up

at the patisserie.

- Is she happy?

- I think so.

Seems like she found herself.

- [Sazerac] That's great.

- [Zelzah] Yeah.

- Oh, I keep

forgetting to tell you.

Do you remember

that young couple

lived a couple doors down?

- [Zelzah] The Bosnian one?

- No.

Korean guy in (indistinct).

- Oh yeah.

- Yeah, I ran into the

Korean guy in New York.

- [Zelzah] What?

- [Sazerac] Yeah, yeah

we were at a party

and St. Louis came up.

I was like, "I used to

live off Kings Highway".

He said, "Me too on Lawn".

I was like, "No

fucking way, wait".

- [Zelzah] What and you

remembered each other?

- [Sazerac] Kinda.

I remembered their

setup in (indistinct).

- Huh.

And where's she at?

- [Sazerac] Don't know.

They'd broken up.

- Babe.

What-?

- Fine.

Please just go

back to your party.

- [Zelzah] Our party.

- [Sazerac] Sure, sure.

- [Zelzah] What?

- I just can't.

Okay?

So you should go have some fun.

- Please,

talk to me,

please.

Sazerac,

I can't help-

- Well, maybe you just

can't fucking help.

Okay?

(soft music)

- What the fuck did I

do that was so wrong?

- You didn't do anything.

I mean, to get me in this state,

but in this moment.

- Trying to help,

that's what the

fuck my problem is?

- Fine.

You wanna know?

- Yes, I fucking wanna know.

- You've had this

whole life without me.

- What?

- You've been on this

planet for 34 years

and I didn't know any of that.

All of your friends, they

have their own lives.

Denise was in Afghanistan.

Tiffany lost a baby.

How do you even

exist after that?

All of this stuff has happened

and it will continue to

happen after all of this.

- After all of what?

- You'll have a whole

life after we're over.

- [Zelzah] Maybe there

won't be an after us?

- There will.

There always is.

How can two people love

each other when they're 36,

still love each other

when they're 63?

- Don't let your anxiety

get ahold of you.

Push it the fuck away.

(Sazerac sobbing)

All know is,

saying it's too hard now,

because it might be too

hard later is bullshit.

- [Sazerac] I know.

- Why do you care?

- I care.

It's just.

- Why can't you

just drop the stuff

that we don't know, you know?

(soft music)

I know it's silly,

but, I think the city

is one of the greats.

All it is.

All it can be.

All it was.

All I wish it weren't.

- You ever think about what

you would've done differently?

I know I shouldn't

ask that question.

- No, it's okay.

Yeah,

there's stuff yeah.

- Like what?

- [Zelzah] You go first.

- There's just a lot

that I'm sorry about.

A lot I didn't do.

A lot I did.

- The dos you did

could have been worse.

- And the didn't I didn't?

- No.

That could have been better.

It wasn't all you, you know?

- I know.

Or I'd hoped.

But the you part of it,

if you'd done the

exact same shit,

but I had been better,

we could have found

a way through it.

Let's say we flipped it.

I don't think there was any

more that you could have done

to see us through my shit.

- The fact that you,

(Zelzah sniffling)

that means a lot.

Thank you.

- Hasn't been too

heavy on you has it?

- A little bit.

Trying to figure out

my part in things.

What was really me and

what just felt like me.

How to grow,

what to change,

what to keep.

- I hope there's a

lot you're keeping.

(soft music)

- [Zelzah] What if

we tried something?

- I told you, those

(indistinct) strap on's chafe.

- [Zelzah] Not like that.

But also like nothing

I've done for you chafes.

What I'm saying is,

in the future, when we

feel a fight coming on,

what if we try one of those

cooler heads prevail

kind of things,

where one of us picks up

an invisible telephone

and calls the big bad wolf

and then the other one

answers as the big bad wolf.

And the first person

lays out all their stuff

to this neutral third party.

- [Sazerac] The big bad wolf.

- [Zelzah] Yeah.

- I mean,

can't hurt to try.

Isn't it a little cold for?

- Trust me.

- It's so fucking good.

How is it so good?

- I worked here when

I was in high school.

I still don't know.

- I had no idea this

was a part of your life.

- I know, right?

I would've thought

it would've come up.

Maybe it did.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I was just

reading something.

I don't remember where.

- Of course.

- About how memory is

really more a creation.

Like, say you're thinking

of an old picture

when you were a kid.

It's not like that picture

is stored somewhere

deep in your memory bank.

But each time you're like, okay,

let me think about that picture.

You're actually

recreating that picture.

- Fuck so what,

it's kind of like

paint by numbers?

There's a blueprint of how

it's supposed to be each time.

That's why some memories

feel the same every time.

- I guess so.

But it's also how the

memories are different.

Maybe like building a puzzle,

where occasionally

you lose a piece

and the other pieces

have to smoosh in

to fill in the gaps.

- If you're right, then

how can you trust anything?

- But what I like

about it though,

is that it makes us the

artist of our own path,

which in turn makes us-

- Artist of our future as well.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

Is something up?

- [Sazerac] No.

- [Zelzah] Seriously?

- [Sazerac] I'm

just feeling off.

- Does it have anything

to do with your stepdad?

- I wish I hadn't told you that.

Sometimes I feel shitty

because I feel shitty.

Not because I was conditioned

by a fucking alcoholic.

- Of course.

And we'll figure it-

- It's not a figuring out thing.

I just feel empty

and that's that.

- I mean, you haven't

been sleeping well lately.

- I don't say anything

and you get upset.

I say something

and you get upset.

- I'm not saying it's only that,

but sleep,

food, and water about those...

- [Sazerac] Such

a fucking expert.

- Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Is the big bad wolf home?

- You know I actually have

to stop by the gallery.

Do you wanna come with,

or I could just..?

- Nah, I'll, let's do it.

What?

- Have you seen anyone since?

- Are you really asking me that?

- [Sazerac] I don't have to

be if you don't want me to.

- I mean,

do you wanna know?

- And that sounds like a yes.

- [Zelzah] It is.

How's that feel?

- I mean, fair,

but not great.

- Good.

- Good.

- I mean,

(Zelzah sighing)

I don't know.

Part of me still

wants to hurt you

and then I feel bad

for hurting you.

You see anyone?

- Nope.

- Why not?

- I haven't met anyone I

like as much as I like you.

- Well, that's too bad

'cause I met a bunch of guys

who I liked better.

Oh, I'm kidding.

Come on.

That was a little funny.

- Maybe I should just walk.

- If you want.

- I don't want.

- [Zelzah] Yeah.

- Normally I'd be

against like a plumb

and an apricot getting

in bed together.

But when the baby is

as fun to say as pluot,

I am on board.

Say it with me.

Pluot.

Babe, babe,

babe, babe, babe.

- Pluot.

- No.

Say it with joy.

- Sorry, look the Cubs are

up three and the eighth.

Can we watch the

end of the game?

- You say it's stresses you

out when they play the cubbies.

- If we watch the

end of this game,

I will say pluot with all

of the joy you can stand.

- Don't you trade

sex for baseball?

- What?

Happens all the time.

That's what Field

of Dreams is about.

Is there any other way to

interpret if you build it,

they will come.

(gentle music)

- Fine.

Fine.

(Zelzah laughing)

Let's go watch a big bird

destroy a little bear.

- Yeah.

(soft music)

- This was why I didn't

wanna watch the cards game.

Who lets off a walk off Grand

Slam to the fucking Cubs?

They should have

fucking done better.

- Yeah, I know.

Let's just go home, okay?

- They fucked it up.

- Yeah, they fucked it up.

(soft music)

- Can we just go home already?

- Open your eyes.

I love you.

- [Zelzah] It's beautiful.

- What the fuck is it about?

- I wouldn't have added

the fuck, but yes.

I mean, okay, I spend a

few minutes with a piece,

maybe an hour, if I'm

really enthralled.

But you worked on this

piece the entire time

that we were together.

- It's not as cut

and dry as that,

swipe there talks about

my issues with my dad,

or that swoop

represents my thoughts

on what really happened on 9/11.

For me, painting is

when I feel calm,

I like to think that it's

when I get out of the way

and the universe

comes through me.

You pick up some

of that alchemy,

add some of your own stuff.

- So,

you spend a minute with it now,

but maybe it finds

a home in my soul

and it's with me for longer than

the time you spent painting it?

- Hopefully.

I send it out in the world

and I don't know if it's

meaning anything to anyone.

I want to believe that

it sends a report back,

even if I don't know the

person, or when the person is.

- What, like Emily Dickinson

felt the imprint of her work,

even though she wasn't

alive when it was read?

- I wanna believe that anyways.

It's fuel to keep you going.

On those days when she was like,

why the fuck am I doing this?

Whatever the oomph is

that gives her the push

in the present, is the

reverberations of joy

that you experienced when you

read her poetry yesterday.

(people chattering

in the background)

- I hope you're right,

because that really sounds nice.

- [Sazerac] See that

flower right there?

Boom.

That's God.

- So, if I crush that

sucker, no more creator.

- [Sazerac] You

toppling the kingdom.

No, but that lady's beautiful.

Full of grace.

- I see the grace.

Why is God gotta

be a part of it?

- Just is.

- I don't know.

I mean, if people can

be good without God,

why we need God?

I mean, plenty of people

who shine in God's light,

do so with hatred.

- I'm talking about God.

You're talking about religion.

Actually it's different.

In the past, so much of

a person's inner life

was in concert with God.

So much of art as well.

Now we don't really have that.

Do you honestly think

that we're better off?

- [Zelzah] Okay.

What do you mean

when you say God?

- I don't know.

But there's something out there.

Something here that

connects all of us,

that shines down on all of us.

- I don't feel God's shine.

So, I'd rather believe

there's no light at all,

than that she just chose

not to aim it at me.

- It never really

shines on me neither.

But, I still like to

believe it's out there.

(gentle music)

- [Zelzah] You wanna go there?

- [Sazerac] Yeah, sure.

- - [Zelzah] Well?

- Fuck you remember when?

- Oh, we are not

dancing on the table.

- I think there was more of you

trying your damnedest

to fall off the table

and me trying mine

to keep you on.

- Is that not what dancing is?

(Sazerac laughing)

You know when you

have a thing of string

and you turn it the wrong

way and it just splits

and uncoils and then

becomes a fucking mess?

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be, it's good.

I'm glad you're here.

I just wanted you to know.

- Shall we get drunk?

- Please.

(glasses clinking)

You were right.

That club would've

been too much.

Everything feels like it's

at its full potential.

The couch is at the

apex of its softness.

- [Sazerac] All you

need is a couch.

- All you need is a couch.

- [Sazerac] What?

- [Zelzah] I was just

agreeing with you.

- Cool.

- I just had a crazy thought.

What if we went home?

(Zelzah laughing)

- [Zelzah] All right.

I know we're high, but

that is some real high top.

We are home.

- No,

home, home.

- Babe.

You can't fly back to

Long Island right now.

I don't think they

land on your street.

- I mean, I think I

wanna move back home.

- For what,

like a while?

- I want you to come with me.

- But your home's

not home for me.

- It could be.

- Or, you could be

home right here.

- Could be.

But it isn't.

- [Zelzah] Maybe

you won't let it be.

- [Sazerac] Whatever the

reason why it isn't home,

doesn't change the

fact that it isn't.

- Well, maybe if

you change the why,

you could change the isn't.

But I guess you

don't wanna try, huh?

- I can't feel home.

- I don't think

that's a here thing.

I think that's a here thing.

We can fix you up right here.

Good as new.

- We haven't been

able to so far.

- I can, if you let me

do it the way I wanna.

Give me three months,

do everything exactly

how I tell you.

I'll even pray to

your flower God,

I can get your mind right.

- [Sazerac] If you could have

done it by now, you would've.

- I have tried so hard.

(Zelzah sobbing)

- [Sazerac] No,

no.

No.

It's not can you fix anything.

It's a can I be fixed thing?

In whichever here

it is, as of now.

It's no.

- I need you.

(dramatic music)

(Zelzah sobbing)

- Oh my God, we just about

shut this place down.

Where do you want to go next?

- You're my guide.

You don't hear Virgil

being like, yo, Dante,

we're gonna spin around

purgatory next, or what?

- Oh, so you're saying

we're in hell are you?

- You know what I meant.

- Sorry I didn't

do this in rhyme.

- We just did glutton the

shit out of this place.

- We barely ate anything.

Where we need to go to-

- Stop it.

Stop.

- What?

- Stop it.

Stop.

- You gotta go?

- I don't have to go.

- You wanna see the old place?

- Is it a mess?

It's gonna kill

me if it's a mess.

- Mess is relative.

- I'll just close my eyes.

- Then you'll trip

over everything.

(Zelzah and Sazerac laughing)

Everyone leaves.

I know that.

It's fine.

- What do you mean?

- It's what humans

are designed to do.

Leave.

- [Sazerac] You can't

honestly think that.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- [Sazerac] I mean, yeah.

- Fine.

Everybody I care about leaves.

- [Sazerac] Who left?

- She died.

- [Sazerac] Your mom?

I doubt that was her intent.

- I'm not saying she did

it on purpose, but she did.

I wasn't ready.

- [Sazerac] You ever

think you would have been?

- No, but I hate that my

kids are never gonna know

the most important

person in my life.

- [Sazerac] To love you.

- Then they'll be fucked.

- [Sazerac] I think

they might even be

better off than you were.

- Well then I'll die

and then I'll be fucked.

- [Sazerac] Yeah.

But everything before

that will be worth it.

(door softly closing)

(gentle music)

(Zelzah sobbing)

- [Zelzah] What do you think?

- Looks mostly how

I remembered it.

- [Zelzah] Good

mostly, or bad mostly?

- [Sazerac] Only good mostly.

(seductive music)

- [Sazerac] So, the Yard

Institute offered me down.

- From New York to St. Louis,

that's gonna be one

hell of a commute.

(Sazerac laughing)

- [Sazerac] It probably makes

sense just to crash here.

- In St Louis?

- [Sazerac] I mean more

crashing here, here.

Here, here.

- Oh.

- [Sazerac] Oh?

- No, I mean...

- [Sazerac] Wait.

Me not being in St. Louis,

that was our big problem

last time, right?

- [Zelzah] I think that's

what we told ourselves

was our big problem.

- Wait a fucking second.

What are you saying?

- What are you saying?

That you wanna

get back together?

- Of course that's

what I'm saying.

That's what today was.

- I thought it was

a nice goodbye.

- What do you mean

a nice goodbye?

Me coming back here.

What did you think would,

what did you want to happen?

- I don't know.

- You do know.

- Well, I didn't think you

wanted to get back together.

- You just wanted

a last, you know.

- I thought we were

on the same page.

- Same page, different

fucking books.

- [Zelzah] I'm sorry.

- [Sazerac] Me too.

- I'm not saying we

weren't good together.

- [Sazerac] Then

what are you saying?

- Maybe I'm not the one for you

and maybe you're

not the one for me.

And maybe that's okay,

that we had something

really fucking special

and that's more than enough.

- I don't just wanna

leave it there.

- [Zelzah] I think the

timing just didn't line up.

- But I'm better.

I'm going to therapy.

- Going?

- Gone.

- More than once?

- I didn't like the guy,

but I'm looking for another.

- [Zelzah] I'm proud

of you for trying it.

I know that couldn't

have been easy.

- Look, I know I just

tossed this in your lap.

I get it.

Of course I can't move in here.

That was unfair of me.

It'll take time to

build things back up.

- I am building things back up.

- Me too.

That's what this is.

- I don't think your stuff

should be based on me.

- I guess yours

isn't on me, huh?

- It's not an on you,

or not on you thing.

It's an on me thing.

- I know I had a hard time

letting you in before,

but I'm ready for it.

- Me to take care of you?

- Don't say it like that.

- I don't mean for

it to hurt you.

It is what I wanted back then.

- Bullshit back then.

It was a year ago.

- I'm trying, okay?

I'm trying to be better.

- Then let's try together.

Look how I've grown in a year.

Can you imagine the old me

coming to you this open?

- I honestly can't.

And I am happy for

you and proud of you,

but we are not on the same trip.

- So, you're on this

growing journey.

But what happens if you don't

end up where you wanna go

and you slide back

into being you?

Then you could have missed

this amazing thing we have.

Why not try both?

- You're right.

I'm not there yet

and I don't know

if I'll get there

and if I don't and I threw

away all that we had,

I will be devastated.

But this is the first

time I am focused on me,

and I feel like that's

probably something

I need to do alone.

- Do you ever feel

like your whole life

is hanging on a moment?

And if you don't do it right,

then everything

thereafter is just,

please,

I need you.

- Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Ring ring.

- Big bad wolf speaking.

- Hello Mr. Wolf.

- Oh,

Mr. Wolf.

That was my father.

You can call me big bad.

How can I help you?

- There's this guy,

who I love more than I

have ever loved anyone,

and he's asking

me this question.

Every time he asks me,

it gets harder and

harder to breathe.

I don't think he realizes,

that say no to

him is killing me.

If he asks me again,

I'll say yes and I'll be

able to breathe for a moment,

but that yes is gonna drown me.

- Even if you love him?

- No.

Because I love him.

I wish the timing

didn't work this way,

but I can't take care

of him until I fix me.

And I can't fix the bus and

drive it at the same time.

- You want me to tell

this guy all that?

- No.

Just ask him what

matters more to him,

loving me,

or being loved by me?

(gentle music)

(door gently closing)

(Zelzah exhaling)

- Okay.

(smooth music)