After We're Over (2021) - full transcript

One fateful Saturday, Zelzah (Adrienne Rose White) receives a call out of the blue from her ex, Sazerac (Chris Mollica). It's the first she's heard from him in the year since he broke her heart and left St. Louis to move home to L...

foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
(gentle music)

(Zelzah sighing)

(phone ringing)

(Zelzah exclaiming)

(breathing heavily)

- Fuck it.

- [Sazerac] Hey Zel, I'm back
in town and was thinking,

grabbing a bite at our spot.

I'd love to see you,

if you want to be seen.

Okay,



guess this is the message.

(soft music)

- Fuck.

If you call me
ma'am, one more time,

I am going to pull out this
palm up and smooge them

around your ears
so that whenever

you digest your food,

you'll hear it and
it'll make you go mad.

- Oh my God, okay.

No more ma'ams.

Okay.

You win, you win.

You were saying something
before all this.

- As I was saying.



- I'm sorry, but if
you're gonna look so sexy,

you can't possibly expect
me to pay attention.

Ma'am.

(soft music)

- [Zelzah] Please don't bring
up that oxygen mask analogy.

It's some bullshit.

- What is wrong with ensuring

that you can breathe
before helping others?

- [Zelzah] I don't
need to breathe,

before I help
somebody else breathe.

- [Speaker] Why do you think
seeing him is such a bad idea?

- [Zelzah] Isn't it?

I mean, it's not like he's not,

not gonna be in New
York anytime soon.

- [Speaker] Well, seeing him
again doesn't necessarily

mean you'll get back together.

Unless that's
something you want.

- [Zelzah] I wouldn't want that.

But I don't know.

(soft music)

- You're here.

- So are you.

- So, that's a no on the hug.

Got it.

- Yeah.

- That's okay.

Rome wasn't hugged in a day,

or wait,

it did burn down one-

- Why are you here?

- My gravest apologies.

I'll be professional
from here on out.

Ma'am.

The gallery wanted me
to do another exhibit,

so I came,

to St. Louis.

- Good for you.

- We're always trusting our gut.

What if our natural inclination
towards self-destruction,

shouldn't our gut be
the last thing we trust?

- Then what guides you?

Doing the opposite
of what the little

voice inside your
head tells you?

- Well, that seems like
it can cause problems.

- Maybe your intuition is
God speaking through you.

- I thought you didn't believe.

- I don't fucking know,

but there's something
there that says,

this guy Sazerac,
he's something.

So, see what kind of something.

- [Sazerac] What?

- Nothing.

It's just, you're here.

Wasn't what I was expecting
when I woke up this morning.

So, how was your flight?

- It was fine.

Not much going on.

- [Zelzah] Not fair,

we were the fourth largest
city in the country.

- [Sazerac] Only a St. Louisian

would brag about
being fourth best.

- We have the oldest
botanical garden,

the second oldest
symphony orchestra.

I mean the arch is the tallest
monument in the country.

Forest Park is twice
the size of Central Park

and we hosted the best
world's fair of all time.

- Chicago might have
something to say about that.

- Chicago can eat a dog dick.

- You know, New York
is pretty cool too.

- Well, you're from
Long Island so.

- Hey, now.

(Zelzah exhaling)

- I'm good, I just,

we get unfairly knocked around.

- It's not you though.

You're not St. Louis.

Someone could say shit
about your hometown,

but they're not
saying shit on you.

- It just feels
so unfair though.

We have shit.

Fuck.

We have more World Series titles

than any other team in baseball.

- The Yankees have-

- I said baseball.

If the pitchers can't
hit, that's T-ball.

- It's okay.

You're okay.

- [Sazerac] I love you.

Oh, this is not a you
treating me kind of situation.

- Oh, I thought you
were treating me,

guy from out of town
visiting, but you know what?

Sure, straight down the middle.

- So, what are you
up to after this,

fancy cocktail party with

the creme de la creme of
the St Louis art's scene?

- Well, you know,
it's 10 in the morning

and the cocktail party's
usually winding down by now.

- I don't know how it all works.

I'm down here with
the hoi polloi.

- I thought the hoi
polloi were fancies.

- Nah.

We're down here
in the mucky muck.

You're high above.

- High or not, I've
got nothing going on.

You?

- I got errands and shit,

but this was,

yeah.

- Of course.

Yeah.

Do your thing.

This was,

nice.

(soft music)

- Shit.

- What?

- [Sazerac] The
newspaper says the world

is going to end
in eight minutes.

- Shit.

That is a serious bummer.

Eight minutes, huh?

- Oui.

- What shall we do with
the time we have left?

- We could complain about how
the world is going to end.

Or,

(Zelzah laughing)

(soft music)

I want someone who
I wanna talk to,

who makes me laugh and think.

Who I wanna you know what.

Who I also like to look at
after said, you know has been.

You know?

Who I can partner with and
grow with me as I grow.

Who I can also like
raise kids with.

I gotta find all that
in not only one person.

- It's a lot, but what's
a real alternative?

One for, you know,
one for friending,

one for partnering,

and one for rearing?

That's a lot of ones.

- I'm just saying,
why I gotta do things

the way someone else tells
me they gotta be done?

- Okay.

You've found a system where
you can get everything

you've ever wanted and more.

Hit me.

- No, no, I'm the one who says
what's wrong with the system.

You're the artist.

Build me a new one.

- And then can tell me
what's wrong with it?

- Finally, you're getting it.

Come on, build me a system.

- I'll be the, you know guy.

(Zelzah laughing)

- I got some time, but I
gotta stop at home first.

- Yeah?

Cool.

Should I?

I'll meet you there.

Fuck.

The man who laid these bricks.

What do you think,
they were thinking?

- You mean like sense
of satisfaction,

and the job well done,

or more like, fuck now we
gotta start another building?

- I mean, don't you think about

the love that would grow here?

Fights.

The spills.

The kids.

- Oh shit, our kids.

I forgot, do you have
to feed those things?

- No, the couple that
was here before me.

Now, they had a kid.

I mean, that's why
they moved but,

for a few months,
there was a kid here.

(gentle music)

- Maybe they passed
by while we were here.

Smiled to themselves.

We had a good time
in that place.

I hope they do too.

(soft music continues)

- [Zelzah] No, you
gotta wait outside.

- [Sazerac] Okay.

- [Zelzah] I'll just be
a minute, I gotta change.

- [Sazerac] Sure, but
most people wait inside.

- You wanna be most people?

- No, it's just that I'm scared

of getting mugged, or skyjacked.

- Doesn't that usually
happen on a plane?

- Sure, usually.

But these skyjacker are
conniving mother fuckers.

They're always one step ahead

of what you think
they're gonna do.

- Aha.

Well, at least you'll
have a really good story.

- Fine, but just
when you come out,

could you just please be better?

I just-

- Excuse me?

- Sorry I didn't mean better.

I just, if you wanna be mad
at me, or whatever, I get it.

I totally understand.

If we're gonna go to the
botanical garden, or something,

I just, I want it to be better.

- You've had days to get
your head around this.

I'm playing catch up.

Have you seen tears?

Have I thrown anything?

Me going to breakfast

and now maybe to the
botanical garden.

That is better.

Now, if you can be patient,

you're gonna get
a better, better.

(soft melancholic music)

(gently sighing)

- Great day, huh?

- Yeah.

- It's okay to have a bad day.

- It's not bad.

It's just frustrating.

- Why don't you tell me all
about your frustrating day?

- Honestly, I'm okay.

It's over.

Done.

(soft music)

- So, how was your day?

- Are you seriously
still on this?

- I know, it is so fucked up,

that I wanna see what's
going on with my girlfriend.

- We were supposed to present

to the city council this Monday

and they just pushed it
till after the reset.

- That sucks.

But doesn't it give you
more time to prepare?

- That is so patronizing.

- I didn't mean you
weren't prepared.

Just trying to help.

- Maybe don't.

- Right, you're
the helper, not me.

- I,

(sighing)

that wasn't what I meant.

That was shitty me.

- Hey, something we agree on.

- Is Unifying St Louis

even the right place for
me to do the most good?

Sometimes I feel like I'm
just sitting behind a desk

doing Jack shit.

I haven't volunteered
in forever.

I haven't been to a
protest in forever.

- UST wouldn't have
the money to do shit,

if it wasn't for the
grants you're writing.

But yeah, maybe it
feels a little sterile.

Like you wanna get
your hands in it more,

but you're not helping anyone,

if you work yourself to nothing.

- I just wish I knew I
was doing the right thing.

- That's not how this works.

Truth is, you may never
know, in part because

it probably won't be
solved in your lifetime.

- What about the kid that
starts school in a couple weeks?

Just what, sorry?

You're born a century too early.

Try again.

(Zelzah sighing)

(soft music)

- I forget.

What's the street that
always has parking on it?

- It probably makes more
sense if we take the same car.

- Okay.

(gentle music continues)

- [Zelzah] You coming?

- [Sazerac] Yep.

(Sazerac beat boxing)

♪ My name is Zelzah
and I'm here to say ♪

♪ That my name is Zelzah
is what I'm saying here. ♪

♪ I'm out here ♪

♪ I know to play the game ♪

♪ I got everything
and I got my name ♪

♪ I run, I fight I sing I go ♪

♪ I don't know what I'm saying ♪

♪ I won't go slow ♪

♪ I do everything
and I do a lot more ♪

♪ I do everything for
you and you get a whore ♪

(Zelzah and Sazerac laughing)

- So wait.

Am I in the wrong,

'cause you do everything for
me and I still get a whore?

(Zelzah laughing)

Okay.

Wrapped about that.

(gentle sweeping
instrumental music)

- Oh, hello?

- Hey.

- You good?

- Yeah.

I'm good.

(gentle instrumental music)

(water trickling)

- [Zelzah] This is
some no bullshit shit.

I need you to be honest
with me right now.

How'd you get to be so perfect?

- When I was a baby, my
mom held me by the ankle.

She dipped me in
the river sticks.

Wait, or did I have beer dumped
on me at a Sticks concert?

- Give it a rest.

(Sazerac laughing)

(water trickling)

I can't believe
it's been a year.

- I know right?

It's really flown by.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I'm flattered.

I'm kind of in
shock, but I love it.

- I love you.

- It's gonna be fun
when I'm pretty much

the reason you're famous.

- I'll be giving interviews
50 years from now,

being like, what can I
say a muse is a muse?

- I'll still be
here in 50 years?

- If you wanna be.

- I do.

(soft music)

So, did going home get all
your creative juices flowing?

- It did.

I painted some pieces
I'm really proud of.

Hence the show.

I'd love to show you
them if you want to.

- Oh, I mean,

yeah, maybe.

Did you ever finish that one?

- I did.

It's kind of the main piece.

How have you been?

Busy saving the world?

- Just St. Louis.

- That's good though.

- I guess.

Sometimes it doesn't
feel like much.

- It's hard helping
the hopeless.

- St. Louis isn't hopeless.

- I didn't mean to
say that you are.

That you all are.

- What did you mean to say?

- What you're
doing is important.

St. Louis needs the help,

but not more than
anywhere else, or less.

- Okay.

(water trickling)

- This,

isn't how I wanted
all this to go.

(water trickling)

(Zelzah beatboxing)

♪ My name is Sazerac ♪

♪ And I'm here to say ♪

♪ To say my name is Sazerac
is what I'm here to say ♪

♪ Now I might be her every day ♪

♪ But when I do come to
town I have to say yay ♪

♪ So Sazerac in the house ♪

♪ Zelzah in the house ♪

♪ Mother nature in the house ♪

♪ St Louis is the house ♪

Word.
(Zelzah laughing)

- You ruined it.

- Oh, did I?

- Yeah.

- I'll have to live with that.

It's time.

- [Zelzah] Do we have to go?

- Don't worry.

We'll be back.

(soft music)

- [Zelzah] I was
driving home today,

happened again.

- [Sazerac] Oh babe.

- I just go to call her
and then I remember,

God, I wonder who
has her number now?

- Could you tell me about her?

- She was,

always taking care
of other people,

like all the aunties
that couldn't,

or wouldn't go to the hospital.

Just all the fucking time in
the world for other people.

- I wish I'd met your mom.

How'd she...?

- Heart attack.

When I was 20.

I took the semester off
to settle everything.

Missed the deadline
for the next semester.

Plus there were all the
aunties to take care of.

So, I stuck around.

Went to Merrimack College.

- But you Chicago.

- I know, but like,

it just is.

- What about your dad?

- He had split up when I was 10.

He helped,

but like he lives in Little
Rock with a little family.

- You still talk to him?

- Every couple of months.

We cool.

(soft music)

- Without the Mississippi
River, St. Louis ain't shit.

It made us the king shit trading
post way back in the day.

Gave us mud that made the best
bricks in the brick business.

It carved out caves that kept
cold the beer of an empire.

- You had the caves,

but you also need the
influx of the Germans

who didn't just see caves,
but a cooling system.

You needed both.

- Ah, so many people
just got the one.

- I see it all the time.

My grandma was the
funniest fucking woman.

- Must have died with her.

- But the 50s wasn't
interested in her being funny.

So, she was depressed
all her life.

- Was she depressed
because her brain was like,

well, there's no way to be me?

Or because she was
a woman out of time?

- I mean, probably both.

Being in a place where your
gifts are not only squandered,

but seen as problems.

It's fucking hard.

- We're trained to make
do with what we're given.

- That's not a bad thing.

- No, it's not.

But, how much is too much?

- [Sazerac] Are you ready?

- [Zelzah] Mother
fucker, I was born ready.

- [Sazerac] Three.

(bottles clinking)

Two.
(bottles clinking)

One, go.

(gurgling beer)

(bangs beer bottle on table)

(Sazerac laughing)

(Zelzah giggling)

Oh porns.

- This is the happiest
place on the earth.

Fuck this neighborhood.

How often do you
get to be on a bus,

hanging off the
side of a building?

- [Sazerac] On Long Island?

More often than you think.

- Oh okay, sure.

Please.

- [Sazerac] I have.

- No, you haven't told
me what's going on.

If you had, we wouldn't be here.

- [Sazerac] I'm feeling off,

like that all of me is here.

- But why?

Please just let me in.

- Into the bathroom?

- Either,

both.

(people chattering)

- [Sazerac] You ever feel
like if you could just

get outta your own way,

then you'd finally be happy?

- [Zelzah] But what would
that even look like?

Like the Buddhist
ego death thing?

- [Sazerac] I guess so, maybe.

- So, you've got no
ego, no sense of self,

no desire.

Sure, you've got peace,

but what the hell else you got?

- I felt like when I was young,
I don't know, a teenager,

I was on the cusp of something
like figuring everything out.

Like if I only did the right
things, then I'd be happy.

- Aren't you happy now,

on Long Island?

Isn't that why you left?

- Honestly, I don't
know why I left

and I don't think
I found the thing

that I was looking for,

but like there was this
greater potential of happiness.

Then again, maybe if
I keep chasing that

I will miss the happiness
that I have now.

- I always wonder if my
natural state is peace,

but in trying to fix things,
I bring on all this shit.

Or, if the shit
is ingrained in me

and if I fix things,
I can be better.

- It's probably
somewhere in the middle.

But how do you know
the ones to keep,

and the ones to leave behind?

- [Zelzah] Intuition, I guess.

- Is intuition a personal guide,

or tailored by society?

- My intuition voice,
it feels different

from my societal
expectations voice.

- [Sazerac] Any and all your
voices sound good to me.

- That's funny.

They're all telling me
not to fall for your crap.

- [Sazerac] Don't fuck it up.

- [Zelzah] I'm not gonna.

Told ya.

- Sauce.

(Zelzah laughing)

- Do you think we leave
energy wherever we go?

- That sounds like
some woo woo shit.

- Not necessarily.

Everything is an
exchange of energy.

Heat is atoms moving
quickly and shit.

- Then, are you asking
if energy has a memory?

- Sure.

Or, if we leave an outlet,

so when we return we could
plug back in and reconnect.

- I don't know about that,

but there's definitely
places that when I return to,

I can feel electricity
flowing through me.

When I see the arch,

I get one of those
kinds of smiles

where you feel
your whole cheeks.

- So what's that?

Why has my brain decided
that that spot without fail,

I get overwhelmed
with happiness,

but not other spaces than
have just as much history?

- [Zelzah] You must have
left some sort of emotional

trail of breadcrumbs.

- I guess so.

I just wish I had
more control over it.

- There's something nice
about being at the whims

of the winds of your brain.

- Sure.

Until it's a hurricane.

- Where the fuck where you?

- I'm sorry.

- We were supposed to-

- I know, okay?

- No, it's not okay,

okay?

I texted.

I called.

I didn't know if you
were dead, or not.

- You thought I was dead?

(exhaling deeply)

- You don't show
up to the movie.

Okay, fine.

No answer.

Maybe your phone died.

But then I come
home and nothing.

I checked in with Thomas

and he said he talked
to you two hours ago

and that you even
mentioned the movie

and then you didn't come home.

I thought you might have
been in an accident.

So, I started driving
around looking for you.

- I didn't die.

- What the fuck?

Or you're just not gonna
fucking say anything?

- I went to the movies.

I was in the parking lot, but
I couldn't get outta the car.

I saw you standing
there waiting for me,

but I just couldn't get out.

- Why?

- I was thinking about you.

I hadn't seen you
since this morning.

And what if during that time,

something in your brain
went off and you thought,

wait a second, I can
do so much better.

- Are you serious?

- You could go to a
movie and you're in it

and you hear an explosion
in the theater next to you

and you realize that there's
a room full of people,

a wall away watching something
completely different,

listening to something
completely different,

feeling something
completely different.

And you don't know them.

They're just a
person on the street,

or they're your
childhood sweetheart.

And what have they been
doing for the last 20 years?

What will you do
in your next 20,

before you're a wall
away from them again?

I don't want to die not
having done something.

- [Zelzah] That's,

a lot.

- Are you mad?

- Yes and no.

- But some yes.

- Yeah.

It can't just be your anxiety,

or whatever you felt was real.

I drove the route you
would've taken home,

looking for an accident.

That was real to me too.

But, I'm also sorry for
what you went through.

I wish you felt you could
have said something.

I guess it's probably
not as easy as all that.

I wish you would
see a therapist.

- That's your answer
for everything.

It's always a fucking therapist.

Why don't you see one, huh?

- You're right.

I probably should see someone,

but that doesn't mean
that you shouldn't.

- How about you worry
about your shit,

I'll worry about mine?

- Most people don't
not see a movie,

because they're worried
they'll die someday.

- Maybe, they should.

- Is that what you
really believe?

- I can't see a world
where someone can help.

I know what's wrong.

I just need to be better.

- Okay.

- Is that a real okay, or is
that a shutting down okay?

- I mean, I want
you to get help.

And you think the
help won't help.

There's not a whole lot
more to it, is there?

- No.

I guess not.

Are you mad?

- Yes and no.

Are you mad?

- Yes and no.

(Zelzah sighing)

(gentle music)

- This area that
we're in right now,

this was Mill Creek Valley.

- A place where-

- 20,000 black folks got
kicked outta their homes.

Thank God we got all this.

St. Louis has never known
what to make of its blackness.

(whirring traffic)

You ready for the word?

Well, you got the
Osage people living

and loving here on
the river Mississippi.

Luckily the chateau and a
whole mess of French come.

But actually everything's
copacetic, till it's not.

Once we become the hottest
thing on the edge of the world,

the city starts to get greedy.

Why should the county
partake in all our splendor?

This is ours motherfuckers.

So, they split from the county.

My taxes are mine.

And don't nobody give
a about your taxes

and everything's copacetic

till it's not.

Red lines come down

and tell us where we can,

mostly can't live.

When we do go to those places,

the white take flight,

or places like Mill Creek Valley

are deemed too dangerous.

So they kick out
20,000 black folks

and sure, violence goes up.

But what do you expect
when you make us so poor,

we can't afford nothing else?

And when you kill Michael Brown,

yeah, we gonna burn
shit to the ground ,

even when what we're
burning is all we got.

But I honestly believe
if you bring the city

and the county back together

and spread that sweet
tax money around,

St. Louis can be a gateway
to more than just the west.

You feel me?

(soft music)

So, I'm 18

and I think I am the
hottest shit to hit the fan.

- I bet you were a heartbreaker.

- I have this boyfriend.

Ugh,

love of my fucking life.

Like in the way that you
kind of just can't feel

after a certain age.

- Great, I'm so glad I met
you after that certain age.

- So, we've had sex
a couple of times

and I thought it was great
'cause it didn't hurt

and I've give him
a couple blow jobs.

- All at the same time?

- Oh yeah, he got a good deal

and was too good to pass up.

- [Sazerac] A steal's a steal.

- And I get this wild
and crazy thought

that I might just want him
to do the same thing to me.

One night my mom isn't
home and he comes over,

puts on his minor's hat.

- Please tell me he
actually did that.

- Can I tell the fucking story?

- Sorry.

- And he descended
into the abyss.

Let's just say,

he tried his very best,
but he did not strike gold.

- You did not exclaim Eureka.

(Zelzah giggling)

- He got so
frustrated and yelled

that I, I don't know
that it was all my fault.

I was a slut for wanting it,

but also that,

something was wrong with
me for not liking it.

And my mom came home.

She was just so shocked.

I don't think she realized
that I was having sex yet.

Just so fucking shocked.

And she yelled at me too.

(soft music)

That really fucked me
up for a long time.

(soft music)

This is where my mama grew up.

- What happened?

- People move.

Then other people come
and take the bricks.

I mean, they're places like
this all over the north side.

(whirring traffic)

- I bet it used to
be so beautiful.

- It still is.

It's just different.

I'm gonna do
something with this,

someday.

Do you think you love me more?

- [Sazerac] I hell
fucking yeah I do.

- Bullshit.

I totally love you
more and I know that.

- Oh yeah?

Prove it.

- [Sazerac] Now
who loves you more?

- The Guide Dog Association.

How's Ally?

- She's good.

Finishing up culinary school.

Pastrying it up
at the patisserie.

- Is she happy?

- I think so.

Seems like she found herself.

- [Sazerac] That's great.
- [Zelzah] Yeah.

- Oh, I keep
forgetting to tell you.

Do you remember
that young couple

lived a couple doors down?

- [Zelzah] The Bosnian one?

- No.

Korean guy in (indistinct).

- Oh yeah.

- Yeah, I ran into the
Korean guy in New York.

- [Zelzah] What?

- [Sazerac] Yeah, yeah
we were at a party

and St. Louis came up.

I was like, "I used to
live off Kings Highway".

He said, "Me too on Lawn".

I was like, "No
fucking way, wait".

- [Zelzah] What and you
remembered each other?

- [Sazerac] Kinda.

I remembered their
setup in (indistinct).

- Huh.

And where's she at?

- [Sazerac] Don't know.

They'd broken up.

- Babe.

What-?

- Fine.

Please just go
back to your party.

- [Zelzah] Our party.

- [Sazerac] Sure, sure.

- [Zelzah] What?

- I just can't.

Okay?

So you should go have some fun.

- Please,

talk to me,

please.

Sazerac,

I can't help-

- Well, maybe you just
can't fucking help.

Okay?

(soft music)

- What the fuck did I
do that was so wrong?

- You didn't do anything.

I mean, to get me in this state,

but in this moment.

- Trying to help,

that's what the
fuck my problem is?

- Fine.

You wanna know?

- Yes, I fucking wanna know.

- You've had this
whole life without me.

- What?

- You've been on this
planet for 34 years

and I didn't know any of that.

All of your friends, they
have their own lives.

Denise was in Afghanistan.

Tiffany lost a baby.

How do you even
exist after that?

All of this stuff has happened

and it will continue to
happen after all of this.

- After all of what?

- You'll have a whole
life after we're over.

- [Zelzah] Maybe there
won't be an after us?

- There will.

There always is.

How can two people love
each other when they're 36,

still love each other
when they're 63?

- Don't let your anxiety
get ahold of you.

Push it the fuck away.

(Sazerac sobbing)

All know is,

saying it's too hard now,

because it might be too
hard later is bullshit.

- [Sazerac] I know.

- Why do you care?

- I care.

It's just.

- Why can't you
just drop the stuff

that we don't know, you know?

(soft music)

I know it's silly,

but, I think the city
is one of the greats.

All it is.

All it can be.

All it was.

All I wish it weren't.

- You ever think about what
you would've done differently?

I know I shouldn't
ask that question.

- No, it's okay.

Yeah,

there's stuff yeah.

- Like what?

- [Zelzah] You go first.

- There's just a lot
that I'm sorry about.

A lot I didn't do.

A lot I did.

- The dos you did
could have been worse.

- And the didn't I didn't?

- No.

That could have been better.

It wasn't all you, you know?

- I know.

Or I'd hoped.

But the you part of it,

if you'd done the
exact same shit,

but I had been better,

we could have found
a way through it.

Let's say we flipped it.

I don't think there was any
more that you could have done

to see us through my shit.

- The fact that you,

(Zelzah sniffling)

that means a lot.

Thank you.

- Hasn't been too
heavy on you has it?

- A little bit.

Trying to figure out
my part in things.

What was really me and
what just felt like me.

How to grow,

what to change,

what to keep.

- I hope there's a
lot you're keeping.

(soft music)

- [Zelzah] What if
we tried something?

- I told you, those
(indistinct) strap on's chafe.

- [Zelzah] Not like that.

But also like nothing
I've done for you chafes.

What I'm saying is,

in the future, when we
feel a fight coming on,

what if we try one of those

cooler heads prevail
kind of things,

where one of us picks up
an invisible telephone

and calls the big bad wolf

and then the other one
answers as the big bad wolf.

And the first person
lays out all their stuff

to this neutral third party.

- [Sazerac] The big bad wolf.

- [Zelzah] Yeah.

- I mean,

can't hurt to try.

Isn't it a little cold for?

- Trust me.

- It's so fucking good.

How is it so good?

- I worked here when
I was in high school.

I still don't know.

- I had no idea this
was a part of your life.

- I know, right?

I would've thought
it would've come up.

Maybe it did.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I was just
reading something.

I don't remember where.

- Of course.

- About how memory is
really more a creation.

Like, say you're thinking
of an old picture

when you were a kid.

It's not like that picture
is stored somewhere

deep in your memory bank.

But each time you're like, okay,

let me think about that picture.

You're actually
recreating that picture.

- Fuck so what,

it's kind of like
paint by numbers?

There's a blueprint of how
it's supposed to be each time.

That's why some memories
feel the same every time.

- I guess so.

But it's also how the
memories are different.

Maybe like building a puzzle,

where occasionally
you lose a piece

and the other pieces
have to smoosh in

to fill in the gaps.

- If you're right, then
how can you trust anything?

- But what I like
about it though,

is that it makes us the
artist of our own path,

which in turn makes us-

- Artist of our future as well.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

Is something up?

- [Sazerac] No.

- [Zelzah] Seriously?

- [Sazerac] I'm
just feeling off.

- Does it have anything
to do with your stepdad?

- I wish I hadn't told you that.

Sometimes I feel shitty
because I feel shitty.

Not because I was conditioned
by a fucking alcoholic.

- Of course.

And we'll figure it-

- It's not a figuring out thing.

I just feel empty

and that's that.

- I mean, you haven't
been sleeping well lately.

- I don't say anything
and you get upset.

I say something
and you get upset.

- I'm not saying it's only that,

but sleep,

food, and water about those...

- [Sazerac] Such
a fucking expert.

- Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Is the big bad wolf home?

- You know I actually have
to stop by the gallery.

Do you wanna come with,
or I could just..?

- Nah, I'll, let's do it.

What?

- Have you seen anyone since?

- Are you really asking me that?

- [Sazerac] I don't have to
be if you don't want me to.

- I mean,

do you wanna know?

- And that sounds like a yes.

- [Zelzah] It is.

How's that feel?

- I mean, fair,

but not great.

- Good.

- Good.

- I mean,

(Zelzah sighing)

I don't know.

Part of me still
wants to hurt you

and then I feel bad
for hurting you.

You see anyone?

- Nope.

- Why not?

- I haven't met anyone I
like as much as I like you.

- Well, that's too bad

'cause I met a bunch of guys

who I liked better.

Oh, I'm kidding.

Come on.

That was a little funny.

- Maybe I should just walk.

- If you want.

- I don't want.

- [Zelzah] Yeah.

- Normally I'd be
against like a plumb

and an apricot getting
in bed together.

But when the baby is
as fun to say as pluot,

I am on board.

Say it with me.

Pluot.

Babe, babe,

babe, babe, babe.

- Pluot.
- No.

Say it with joy.

- Sorry, look the Cubs are
up three and the eighth.

Can we watch the
end of the game?

- You say it's stresses you
out when they play the cubbies.

- If we watch the
end of this game,

I will say pluot with all
of the joy you can stand.

- Don't you trade
sex for baseball?

- What?

Happens all the time.

That's what Field
of Dreams is about.

Is there any other way to
interpret if you build it,

they will come.

(gentle music)

- Fine.

Fine.
(Zelzah laughing)

Let's go watch a big bird
destroy a little bear.

- Yeah.

(soft music)

- This was why I didn't
wanna watch the cards game.

Who lets off a walk off Grand
Slam to the fucking Cubs?

They should have
fucking done better.

- Yeah, I know.

Let's just go home, okay?

- They fucked it up.

- Yeah, they fucked it up.

(soft music)

- Can we just go home already?

- Open your eyes.

I love you.

- [Zelzah] It's beautiful.

- What the fuck is it about?

- I wouldn't have added
the fuck, but yes.

I mean, okay, I spend a
few minutes with a piece,

maybe an hour, if I'm
really enthralled.

But you worked on this
piece the entire time

that we were together.

- It's not as cut
and dry as that,

swipe there talks about
my issues with my dad,

or that swoop
represents my thoughts

on what really happened on 9/11.

For me, painting is
when I feel calm,

I like to think that it's
when I get out of the way

and the universe
comes through me.

You pick up some
of that alchemy,

add some of your own stuff.

- So,

you spend a minute with it now,

but maybe it finds
a home in my soul

and it's with me for longer than

the time you spent painting it?

- Hopefully.

I send it out in the world

and I don't know if it's
meaning anything to anyone.

I want to believe that
it sends a report back,

even if I don't know the
person, or when the person is.

- What, like Emily Dickinson
felt the imprint of her work,

even though she wasn't
alive when it was read?

- I wanna believe that anyways.

It's fuel to keep you going.

On those days when she was like,

why the fuck am I doing this?

Whatever the oomph is
that gives her the push

in the present, is the
reverberations of joy

that you experienced when you
read her poetry yesterday.

(people chattering
in the background)

- I hope you're right,

because that really sounds nice.

- [Sazerac] See that
flower right there?

Boom.

That's God.

- So, if I crush that
sucker, no more creator.

- [Sazerac] You
toppling the kingdom.

No, but that lady's beautiful.

Full of grace.

- I see the grace.

Why is God gotta
be a part of it?

- Just is.

- I don't know.

I mean, if people can
be good without God,

why we need God?

I mean, plenty of people
who shine in God's light,

do so with hatred.

- I'm talking about God.

You're talking about religion.

Actually it's different.

In the past, so much of
a person's inner life

was in concert with God.

So much of art as well.

Now we don't really have that.

Do you honestly think
that we're better off?

- [Zelzah] Okay.

What do you mean
when you say God?

- I don't know.

But there's something out there.

Something here that
connects all of us,

that shines down on all of us.

- I don't feel God's shine.

So, I'd rather believe
there's no light at all,

than that she just chose
not to aim it at me.

- It never really
shines on me neither.

But, I still like to
believe it's out there.

(gentle music)

- [Zelzah] You wanna go there?

- [Sazerac] Yeah, sure.

- - [Zelzah] Well?

- Fuck you remember when?

- Oh, we are not
dancing on the table.

- I think there was more of you

trying your damnedest
to fall off the table

and me trying mine
to keep you on.

- Is that not what dancing is?

(Sazerac laughing)

You know when you
have a thing of string

and you turn it the wrong
way and it just splits

and uncoils and then
becomes a fucking mess?

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be, it's good.

I'm glad you're here.

I just wanted you to know.

- Shall we get drunk?

- Please.

(glasses clinking)

You were right.

That club would've
been too much.

Everything feels like it's
at its full potential.

The couch is at the
apex of its softness.

- [Sazerac] All you
need is a couch.

- All you need is a couch.

- [Sazerac] What?

- [Zelzah] I was just
agreeing with you.

- Cool.

- I just had a crazy thought.

What if we went home?

(Zelzah laughing)

- [Zelzah] All right.

I know we're high, but
that is some real high top.

We are home.

- No,

home, home.

- Babe.

You can't fly back to
Long Island right now.

I don't think they
land on your street.

- I mean, I think I
wanna move back home.

- For what,

like a while?

- I want you to come with me.

- But your home's
not home for me.

- It could be.

- Or, you could be
home right here.

- Could be.

But it isn't.

- [Zelzah] Maybe
you won't let it be.

- [Sazerac] Whatever the
reason why it isn't home,

doesn't change the
fact that it isn't.

- Well, maybe if
you change the why,

you could change the isn't.

But I guess you
don't wanna try, huh?

- I can't feel home.

- I don't think
that's a here thing.

I think that's a here thing.

We can fix you up right here.

Good as new.

- We haven't been
able to so far.

- I can, if you let me
do it the way I wanna.

Give me three months,

do everything exactly
how I tell you.

I'll even pray to
your flower God,

I can get your mind right.

- [Sazerac] If you could have
done it by now, you would've.

- I have tried so hard.
(Zelzah sobbing)

- [Sazerac] No,

no.

No.

It's not can you fix anything.

It's a can I be fixed thing?

In whichever here
it is, as of now.

It's no.

- I need you.

(dramatic music)

(Zelzah sobbing)

- Oh my God, we just about
shut this place down.

Where do you want to go next?

- You're my guide.

You don't hear Virgil
being like, yo, Dante,

we're gonna spin around
purgatory next, or what?

- Oh, so you're saying
we're in hell are you?

- You know what I meant.

- Sorry I didn't
do this in rhyme.

- We just did glutton the
shit out of this place.

- We barely ate anything.

Where we need to go to-

- Stop it.

Stop.
- What?

- Stop it.

Stop.

- You gotta go?

- I don't have to go.

- You wanna see the old place?

- Is it a mess?

It's gonna kill
me if it's a mess.

- Mess is relative.

- I'll just close my eyes.

- Then you'll trip
over everything.

(Zelzah and Sazerac laughing)

Everyone leaves.

I know that.

It's fine.

- What do you mean?

- It's what humans
are designed to do.

Leave.

- [Sazerac] You can't
honestly think that.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- [Sazerac] I mean, yeah.

- Fine.

Everybody I care about leaves.

- [Sazerac] Who left?

- She died.

- [Sazerac] Your mom?

I doubt that was her intent.

- I'm not saying she did
it on purpose, but she did.

I wasn't ready.

- [Sazerac] You ever
think you would have been?

- No, but I hate that my
kids are never gonna know

the most important
person in my life.

- [Sazerac] To love you.

- Then they'll be fucked.

- [Sazerac] I think
they might even be

better off than you were.

- Well then I'll die
and then I'll be fucked.

- [Sazerac] Yeah.

But everything before
that will be worth it.

(door softly closing)

(gentle music)

(Zelzah sobbing)

- [Zelzah] What do you think?

- Looks mostly how
I remembered it.

- [Zelzah] Good
mostly, or bad mostly?

- [Sazerac] Only good mostly.

(seductive music)

- [Sazerac] So, the Yard
Institute offered me down.

- From New York to St. Louis,

that's gonna be one
hell of a commute.

(Sazerac laughing)

- [Sazerac] It probably makes
sense just to crash here.

- In St Louis?

- [Sazerac] I mean more
crashing here, here.

Here, here.

- Oh.

- [Sazerac] Oh?

- No, I mean...

- [Sazerac] Wait.

Me not being in St. Louis,

that was our big problem
last time, right?

- [Zelzah] I think that's
what we told ourselves

was our big problem.

- Wait a fucking second.

What are you saying?

- What are you saying?

That you wanna
get back together?

- Of course that's
what I'm saying.

That's what today was.

- I thought it was
a nice goodbye.

- What do you mean
a nice goodbye?

Me coming back here.

What did you think would,

what did you want to happen?

- I don't know.

- You do know.

- Well, I didn't think you
wanted to get back together.

- You just wanted
a last, you know.

- I thought we were
on the same page.

- Same page, different
fucking books.

- [Zelzah] I'm sorry.

- [Sazerac] Me too.

- I'm not saying we
weren't good together.

- [Sazerac] Then
what are you saying?

- Maybe I'm not the one for you

and maybe you're
not the one for me.

And maybe that's okay,

that we had something
really fucking special

and that's more than enough.

- I don't just wanna
leave it there.

- [Zelzah] I think the
timing just didn't line up.

- But I'm better.

I'm going to therapy.

- Going?

- Gone.

- More than once?

- I didn't like the guy,
but I'm looking for another.

- [Zelzah] I'm proud
of you for trying it.

I know that couldn't
have been easy.

- Look, I know I just
tossed this in your lap.

I get it.

Of course I can't move in here.

That was unfair of me.

It'll take time to
build things back up.

- I am building things back up.

- Me too.

That's what this is.

- I don't think your stuff
should be based on me.

- I guess yours
isn't on me, huh?

- It's not an on you,
or not on you thing.

It's an on me thing.

- I know I had a hard time
letting you in before,

but I'm ready for it.

- Me to take care of you?

- Don't say it like that.

- I don't mean for
it to hurt you.

It is what I wanted back then.

- Bullshit back then.

It was a year ago.

- I'm trying, okay?

I'm trying to be better.

- Then let's try together.

Look how I've grown in a year.

Can you imagine the old me
coming to you this open?

- I honestly can't.

And I am happy for
you and proud of you,

but we are not on the same trip.

- So, you're on this
growing journey.

But what happens if you don't
end up where you wanna go

and you slide back
into being you?

Then you could have missed
this amazing thing we have.

Why not try both?

- You're right.

I'm not there yet

and I don't know
if I'll get there

and if I don't and I threw
away all that we had,

I will be devastated.

But this is the first
time I am focused on me,

and I feel like that's
probably something

I need to do alone.

- Do you ever feel
like your whole life

is hanging on a moment?

And if you don't do it right,

then everything
thereafter is just,

please,

I need you.

- Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Ring ring.

- Big bad wolf speaking.

- Hello Mr. Wolf.

- Oh,

Mr. Wolf.

That was my father.

You can call me big bad.

How can I help you?

- There's this guy,

who I love more than I
have ever loved anyone,

and he's asking
me this question.

Every time he asks me,

it gets harder and
harder to breathe.

I don't think he realizes,

that say no to
him is killing me.

If he asks me again,

I'll say yes and I'll be
able to breathe for a moment,

but that yes is gonna drown me.

- Even if you love him?

- No.

Because I love him.

I wish the timing
didn't work this way,

but I can't take care
of him until I fix me.

And I can't fix the bus and
drive it at the same time.

- You want me to tell
this guy all that?

- No.

Just ask him what
matters more to him,

loving me,

or being loved by me?

(gentle music)

(door gently closing)

(Zelzah exhaling)

- Okay.

(smooth music)