Afonso Padilha: Classless (2020) - full transcript
Brazilian comedian Afonso Padilha dives into his humble beginnings and digs out hilarious stories about his childhood in this very personal set.
[Thiago] I'm so happy to be recording this
for Netflix, everyone. So happy.
You know what I've been thinking
since we signed the contract?
I wish I was a fly
to be able to see my ex's face.
-Man...
-[laughter]
What wouldn't I give.
She can block me on Instagram,
she can block me on WhatsApp,
she can block me on Facebook.
But on Netflix...
[laughter]
No, she can't. I wish--
[cheering and applause]
I wish I was a fly, really.
To see her face when she opens Netflix
and I'm on her Top Picks For You.
[laughter]
Holding my dick. Is it allowed?
The other day,
some chick sent me a DM on Instagram,
"Afonso, I'm a big fan of your work."
"Thanks a lot."
"I really am."
I was like, "I had already believed you."
"I like your work, I like you,
but I won't lie-- I'm not poor."
It was so odd.
It's very rare for non-poor people
to dig my work.
"I'm not broke, but I would love
to go see Alma de Pobre."
"Please do."
She said, "I have a question.
If I go, will I have fun?"
I was like, "Of course."
She said, "Even if I'm not broke?"
I wanted her money, so I said,
"Of course you will."
[laughter]
She asked, "But will I have
as much fun as broke people?"
I was like, "No...
No one has as much fun as broke people."
You know what I'm saying.
You're clapping for no reason.
It's true.
Tickets went for 80 bucks?
They're gonna laugh 80 bucks.
Every penny will be treated
as the last they'll ever make.
If he doesn't laugh the whole 80 bucks,
he'll be mad, "I only laughed 53 bucks!"
"I paid 80 and got 53. Fuck that."
Don't mind my hands.
My fans go home like this.
"I only laughed 53--
[laughter]
No, I paid--
Can you believe it? I paid 80--
[applause]
And only got 53, goddammit."
I made that joke in Manaus
and they were like, "I only laughed--"
[laughter]
They liked it. They said--
[imitates Indians]
My fans are generally broke, I know.
People who follow my work, I mean.
It's so good to see
how affectionate people get.
You're pretty much in the dark.
Then you get recognized
and you get a glimpse of how much
that person likes you,
even if you don't physically touch
or know each other.
It's really cool.
Sometimes I'm walking down the street--
Wherever I am.
People roll down the car window.
They mean business.
And it's always like this,
'cause my fans are broke.
It's never an Evoque whirring like--
[imitates window whirring]
It's never a BMW.
[imitates window whirring]
Never. It's always some dude--
It's never like, "Hello, Afonso.
Afonso Padilha, is that right?
I fancy your work, young man.
Not only yours,
but also your friends'--
Thiago, Marcio, Dihh--
I rather fancy the four of you
and appreciate what you've been doing
for the scene.
Keep doing what you do.
I follow you on YouTube, Instagram...
and Facebook.
I like it and I hope you keep on going.
I'll continue to be a fan.
Cheers to you and to your mother."
[imitates window whirring]
It's never like that. It's like,
"Yo, fucktard, where did your dad go?"
[laughter]
It's always--
No, it's always someone rude.
[cheering and applause]
It's always someone very rude.
The other day some dude in a Civic
rolled down his window and shouted,
"Hey, I know you got
your butthole licked!"
[laughter]
I was downtown,
a whole crowd of people stared at me.
And I couldn't say anything,
'cause it had been licked.
[laughter]
I was like, "You got me!"
"Keep doing it!"
"Sure, I'll let them lick it!"
"Peace out!"
On he went to crank his stiff window up.
Have you ever had a car like this?
You start to shake.
Window goes down okay
but rolls up all jiggly.
[laughter]
Have you ever had a car--
You lend your car to a friend,
he opens the window, you're like, "No!"
[laughter]
You need two people to shut the window.
One handling the crank,
the other pushing it up.
[laughter]
You can't get any more broke than this.
Ever had a car like that?
At the toll booth,
you just open the door
and pay from up here.
The person inside
gives you a judgmental look,
like you wanted to drive that beater.
[laughter]
The windshield wipers don't even move,
they just drone--
[imitates wipers droning]
"Fuck it, I'll clean it myself."
You get a little squeegee
and start wiping it.
Your shotgun is like,
"I think you gotta replace the rubber."
Oh, really? You don't say!
Have you had a car like that?
It's so old the seatbelt doesn't retract.
You gotta pull it by hand.
[laughter]
Fuck that. You tell your passenger,
"Wrap it around your neck,
we're gonna die anyway."
Have you had a car like that?
The interior handle is busted
so you roll down the window
to open the door. That's--
You feel like you're being
a gentleman to yourself.
"Let me get the door for you."
[laughter]
Have you had a car like that?
Anyway, it's so nice to be recognized
thanks to my work,
even though I know
I'm more anonymous than I'm famous.
Because we live in bubbles.
We're only known
by a limited number of people.
Back in the day, famous people
were actually famous.
The TV was the only medium there was,
so in order to be famous
you had to be on Globo.
You had to be on SBT,
you had to be on Record.
Never mind, no one on Record is famous.
Unless you're a demon or a pastor.
Sometimes both are the same person--
Pr. Valdomiro. So--
[laughter]
It's like a religious amusement park.
Don't you think it's kind of ironic
how Valdomiro offers healing
while he limps?
He's like, "Brother, I'll heal you!"
I'll tell you, it's so great.
We're living a very happy moment.
I live with Thiago Ventura,
we have a comedy group,
and we've been traveling around Brazil.
This year, we sold out every show we did.
We've been doing comedy for ten years,
and it was empty for nine, everyone.
This year, people have shown up.
And I'll tell you,
it's so much more fun when you do.
Much more fun.
And look, we discuss a lot
to remain grounded
and understand it's ephemeral.
We know that in two years' time
other comedians will be on the rise,
and we'll continue doing stand-up.
But there's nothing better
as a comedian, as an artist,
to step on a stage and see this, everyone.
There's nothing better
and more rewarding--
Really, no demagogy.
[applause]
There's nothing nicer,
I mean it, than stepping on a stage,
seeing this and thinking,
"Holy shit,
look at how much money I'm making."
[laughter]
Some are like,
"Oh, Afonso, is it all about the money?"
[laughter]
Just kidding, of course it's not.
It's also about free food and chicks.
Just kidding.
I like to-- You know why
I like to make that joke?
Because there are two kinds
of broke people.
There's the cool guy who's like,
"Son of a bitch!
You making real money?
Gimme a motorbike then!"
And then there's the salty guy who's like,
"I didn't like that joke."
Sometimes we do this, we are this person.
Don't be salty. Being broke is bad enough.
Being a salty broke person is disgusting.
Sometimes, we--
Without noticing,
we act like real bastards.
For instance-- every one's been there.
When a woman friend, a cousin,
a girl that is close to you
starts to make more money,
to get home a bit later,
meets new people,
makes a new circle of friends,
posts travel photos on Instagram,
fresh clothes.
You never think, "She's working hard.
She got a promotion.
She's showing up and proving
that women are as good as men,"
and of course they are.
The first thing you'll say is,
"Did she become a whore?"
[laughter]
And chances are she didn't.
But who knows!
I wouldn't blame her.
We gotta support poor people,
side with them.
When the poor makes money, it's money.
The rich call it "more."
The poor call it "money."
Ever seen those stories
on rich people that lost it all
and killed themselves out of frustration?
When poor people who had nothing
earn a lot of money and lose it all,
they're like, "Oh, well..."
[laughter]
"Bought some cars, fucked some hoes,
had a tough break.
They said frozen yogurt was profitable,
so I invested."
It's real money for the poor.
When someone broke wins the lottery,
they think
they'll never have to work again.
They get that money and think,
"Holy shit, I'm never gonna work again."
Fast-forward three years,
he's an Uber driver.
[laughter]
Because the poor call it "money."
The rich call it "more."
It's just more money.
When rich people find cash,
they pull it out of their pocket like,
"Oh, hi, Benjamin."
Ever seen a broke guy finding cash?
Some of them are itching right now.
"Damn..."
They're reaching into their pockets like,
"You never know..."
When a broke guy finds cash
in his pocket, he's like, "Bruh!"
[laughter]
Outta nowhere, Lord? Thou puttest...
this little gift--
I am not worthy, O Lord,
of so many blessings.
Aleluia!
[laughter]
I'm not-- Oh!
Look.
[applause]
Thank you. Thank you, Lord."
He pulls it out: two bucks.
He's like, "Fuck yeah!"
[laughter]
He had nothing,
now he's two bucks less broke.
And the poorer you are,
the more you value your money.
You know a person used to be poor
not when they buy a car or a house,
but when they start to make money
and the first thing they say is,
"Hell, I'm not going to skimp on food!"
[laughter]
Guy used to never have food.
Then he's like,
"I want it with four mixtures!"
If you know what mixture is,
congrats, you're broke as fuck.
If you understand it,
this show is for you.
Rich people in the house, a "mixture"--
How can I put this...
-Everything that's not rice or beans...
-[audience] It's mixture.
All the broke people upfront...
The poorer you are,
the more you value money you make.
I know it 'cause I was raised--
My mom raised us by herself
on 400 bucks a month.
Three kids on 400 bucks.
We were so broke
that poor people would pity us.
[laughter]
We were the paradigm,
"We can't fail as bad as them!"
I'd ask my mom--
I was raised hearing stuff
only very poor people hear.
"I'm so broke I can't afford
to shit in a bus station toilet."
[laughter]
I hate that one.
"A bus station public toilet."
We rarely went out at all,
it makes no sense.
"Mom, can I have it?"
"I can't pull money out of my ass."
Until I was 13, I used to think
my mother paid everything with her ass.
"Debit or credit?"
"My mom's ass. Shove it.
The tits upfront
and the ass in installments.
It's her 'assdit' card.
Go ahead and swipe it.
She had to bounce real quick,
but she's gonna be right back
to bounce on you too.
[laughter]
Mom's in the audience like,
"I never paid anything with my ass!
[laughter]
I don't mean it literally!"
"Shit in a bus station toilet."
Hate that one.
The first money I made
was my first paycheck at age 16.
It was the first money I made.
They asked me,
"What are you going to do with it?"
Went straight to the nearest bus station
and took a huge dump.
-[laughter]
-Best feeling ever.
All the diesel smoke.
"This is what being rich feels like."
We were so broke, you have no idea.
Sometimes I'm talking with Mom
and she goes like,
"Oh, I miss the old times."
I want to smack her in the face.
You don't know how broke we were.
My young brother lives in Portugal.
Big brother lives in Arraial do Cabo,
it's been some time he moved there.
He's a fantastic fellow, I love him.
He makes wonderful pressure pots
out of soda cans.
He makes ashtrays out of beer cans,
you can't even tell it's handicraft.
I joke about him because he has
no Internet, he's a hippie.
He'll never see this.
And my little brother is living in Lisbon
for four months now.
I bought his ticket
and I'm supporting him.
I think that's what you're meant to do
when you're making a bit of money
and your brother is getting death threats.
He's--
[laughter]
Mom hates that joke.
"They'll see it on Netflix
and go after him!"
[laughter]
It's true.
He's living there.
The day Mom and I dropped him
at the airport,
she started to cry.
Her son was moving far away,
so I gave her a hug.
I said,
"Mom, relax, it's not a long flight.
She looked at me,
"I miss when Jean was a newborn."
Back when he was a newborn,
that's the poorest we ever were.
I though we couldn't be any more broke,
but, hey...
My mom was so driven.
The broke people's sky
was the limit for that lady.
We were really broke.
"I miss when Jean was a newborn."
I got so pissed, I said,
"I'm gonna tell you a story
and make you not miss it."
I'll tell you too.
When my brother was one year old--
When he was one year old,
this one time, we ran out of milk.
And by "one time" I mean "often."
When I say "one time,"
broke people in the audience are like,
"That's cute."
Poor people compete to be the poorest.
One says, "Oh, one time?"
The other says, "What's milk?"
They're always--
[laughter]
But this one time we had run out of milk.
My mother had a day job.
She always did her best to ensure
we had everything we needed.
I wasn't enough, we often didn't.
But she tried.
She'd go to work at 7 am
and come back at midnight.
She always worked her ass off,
and she'd leave us chores
so we had things to do.
My little brother was one, I was eight,
and my big brother was 15 at the time.
I'd take care of my little brother,
cook and clean,
and my big brother was reaching that age
when poor kids leave home
-to smoke weed. So...
-[laughter]
he'd do his thing while I was home.
On this day, we had ran out of milk
and my little brother started to cry.
I was losing it
because I didn't know why he was crying.
The more desperate I got,
the more he cried.
I figured he must be hungry,
but there was no milk.
As he cried and cried,
I was getting beyond desperate.
Back then, I couldn't call Mom.
because cell phones didn't exist.
They actually did,
but if it was expensive,
Mom would say it didn't exist.
"Can I have a cookie?"
-"There's no such thing.
-[laughter]
Unless I pull a cookie out of my ass."
So, I couldn't call Mom,
but I was getting so desperate
that I went ahead
and made him a lemon balm tea.
Yeah.
Lemon balm, lemon grass-- That weed
that grows on poor people's backyards.
And gave it to him without knowing
it's like natural Dramamine.
It's not written anywhere,
"Be careful not to overdose kids."
Damn, he slept like a rock.
The baby passed the fuck out.
When he woke up, he was eight.
"Goddamn, what have I missed?"
He drank it at 9:40 am,
my Mom got home at 12:40 am
When she got home,
he was sleeping for over 15 hours.
She picked him up
and he had turned into slime.
[laughter]
This was his head. He melted.
Mom said, "You killed him!"
I was like, "No!"
She'd shake him and nothing.
"Mom, he's not dead."
She'd hit him, "Look, Afonso!
It's broken!"
I said, "Mom, I didn't kill him.
He was hungry."
She said, "He died of hunger?"
"No, he was hungry,
so I gave him a lemon balm tea."
She was like, "You what?" "Two bottles."
She said, "Are you crazy?"
"He slept just before the third."
[laughter]
I didn't know what to do.
And I remember I got her so shocked
that from that day on something changed.
Something clicked inside her mind.
From that point on,
she'd give him lemon balm tea
every chance she got.
[laughter]
Kids sleep like a log.
Nowadays we're quite well-off,
I'm not gonna lie.
We've been poor in the past,
but not anymore.
Nope. Mom has a customized kitchen.
That's right. It's the only thing
that was planned in her whole life.
[laughter]
Dumped by three husbands,
mother of three accidents.
Do you think she planned for anything?
Babies would bungee jump out of her cunt.
She'd cut the umbilical cord
and resume her chores.
"Golly! One more child."
Today, we are doing very well
for ourselves.
The other day, we--
Look how far we've come.
We were having breakfast
and I noticed how well-off we are.
I was sipping my coffee
and noticed that our flatware
was not mismatched. Can you believe it?
The same black poly handles.
None of that yellow kind,
all chipped and burnt.
[laughter]
Some of you look clueless,
some broke people are like, "You made it!"
[laughter]
That's it.
Ever seen a poor family's flatware?
Looks like they robbed
a bunch of different homes.
When we visited friends, Mom would say,
"Take a couple of forks."
[laughter]
I've only just recently realized
that I made it in life.
I said, "We really are rich, Mom."
We hugged, I got so emotional.
I was at my Mom's the other day
and when I opened the oven-- wait for it--
there was no pot full of used oil.
Would you believe it?
[laughter]
That's getting ahead in life.
French fries on fresh oil!
Want some fries? Bam! Fresh oil.
No such thing as fries that taste
like meat-tasting fish.
Poor people's fries
should be called Neapolitan fries.
It's got three flavors.
It's trans fries.
Born potato but identifies as beef.
I remember when I was little.
I'd say, "Mom,
one day I'll make lots of money."
"Afonso, shut up and do the dishes."
"But, Mom...
one day I'll make so much money
I'll never do the dishes again."
"Until then,
shut your trap and do the dishes."
"Mom, I'll make money
and we won't be poor anymore."
"Afonso, pay attention to your mother.
No matter how much money you make,
you'll always be poor."
"How so?" "Afonso, hear me out.
If you've ever really been poor..."
-[audience] "You remain poor at heart."
-Poor motherfuckers can't help it.
One hundred percent
of the times I did this show,
they can't help but say it.
It's unbelievable.
Sometimes you don't want to,
but it's stronger than you.
"If you've ever really been poor,
you remain--"
It's like we have to throw it up.
Once, I began to say it
and a mute guy in the corner--
[mumbles] "You remain poor at heart!"
[laughter]
I worked a miracle.
[laughter]
"If you've ever really--"
I never understood this saying, everyone,
until last January, at 30 years of age.
"If you've ever been poor,
you remain poor at heart."
In January, I went to New York
to visit Times Square.
-Best moment of my life.
-[cheering and applause]
Thanks. I'm the one who owe you applause,
because you sponsored it.
The first movie
I saw in the theater, everyone,
was Tobey Maguire's Spider Man.
It's the best one, from 2001.
In 2001, I went to watch
the best Spider Man movie ever made.
When I got there, as a young kid,
I was so obsessed. That huge screen--
They shot big scenes in Times Square,
and I kept thinking,
"One day I'll visit this place."
In January,
I went with my brother Thiago Ventura.
One of the best moments of my life.
Getting there, it was like 26 °F.
Thiago was shivering.
-Being from Curitiba, I was fine.
-[laughter]
Thiago was so cold. "Bro, I don't know.
My dick's not here,
it must have got stuck in customs."
I was like, "What?"
He said, "Call me One Inchiago."
[laughter]
It was damn freezing.
He said, "Let's go to our hotel."
I said, "Let's go to Times Square."
"But I'll freeze to death!"
I said, "No, Thiago.
Let's go to Times Square."
"Alright, bro, whatever."
We went there, and it was
one of the happiest moments of my life.
It was past 3 am when we got there,
it was snowing--
It was a very promising day.
I started to cry with my bro Thiago.
Because that was a dream come true
for my 14-year-old self.
There I was beholding that sight
while hugging Thiago,
and the only thing I could think was,
"The electric bill
must be hella expensive."
[laughter]
That's when I saw what Mom meant.
"If you've ever really been poor..."
I hugged Thiago, "Fuck, bro."
"It's insane!"
"It must be so expensive!"
He was like, "Damn, you're dumb."
"Why?" "They steal from next door."
[laughter]
Always hang out
with someone poorer than you.
Then I understood
why you remain poor at heart.
No matter how much money you make,
If you've ever really been poor,
you remain poor at heart.
Poverty is not a plot, it's the details.
Poverty is not macro, it's micro.
Poor people are just like rich people,
but poor.
It's true. You see poverty in the details.
That's where you see it.
Take a "regular" person,
send them to the moon and back.
In the interview after they land back--
"So, what was it like?"
They'll say, "It was one
of the best feelings I've ever had,
if not the best,
and I'm never going to experience
anything like it.
From up there,
I could see how little we actually are
in this ever-expanding universe.
We're just passing through.
Every time I catch myself complaining--
I should be thankful
for being here at all.
When I leave this world,
the world will keep on going.
So, I should be just thankful
and do my absolute best
to leave my mark."
That's a regular person.
Now, send a poor person up and down.
When they're back, they'll be like,
"It ain't worth it."
[laughter]
[applause]
"What do you mean?"
"It's just too much fuel."
[laughter]
It's not a plot, it's the details.
No matter how much money you make,
the poor will remain poor at heart.
You'll always have a poor person's soul.
There will always be a sleeping Wesley
down here.
A Míriam--
Míriam is such a poor girl's name.
Poor and religious.
Míriams are born religious.
They come out ready to preach,
with their long skirts and mason husbands.
[laughter]
That's the Míriam kit, what can I do?
They come like this by default.
Some people are remembering...
"Fuck, Míriam is a fervent Christian!"
It's not a plot, it's the details.
Have you seen The Exorcist?
That child is not the devil.
But sometimes she is. Have you seen it?
She's seven or eight, she's not evil.
But sometimes she's like,
"I'm gonna kill you!"
Sometimes she's the devil.
Not always, but sometimes.
Just like the formerly poor guy.
Sometimes...
he'll let an "irregardless" slip,
a "supposably,"
a "God Almighty!"
He'll call the waitress over to ask
if the refills are free.
[laughter]
-"Do y'all have a dollar menu?" You know?
-[laughter]
-Poverty is the details.
-[applause]
It's the micro.
Want to spot someone poor?
Imagine two different people
standing side by side.
The two of them
have the same amount of money,
the same age, same gender.
They're basically identical
and they're equally rich,
but only one of them used to be poor.
How do you spot which one did?
Just observe them standing there.
Five minutes on,
the one who's never been poor
will be standing normally.
The poor person will be like this. It's--
[laughter]
That's the poor person's handbrake.
One minute he's like this,
the other he's like this.
Soon he's judging people.
"Did you see Jackie got knocked up?"
[laughter]
It's the detail.
Poverty is the details.
Some things bring out the poor within you.
Hotel breakfast buffets. Jesus Christ...
Wesley starts roaring.
"There's papaya," he says.
"Hmm, there's papaya!"
At home, the papaya rottens.
But hotel papaya is just--
"It's good for your poop, eat it.
Hmm, melon. Have some grapes.
Eggs, sausage, honey.
Hold on, is that tapioca?
Grab some bananas for later."
[laughter]
Poor people will eat all they can.
Come hell or high water.
The place may be on fire.
"The hotel is on fire,
please evacuate the building."
"Fuck, it's 9:50 am!
Let's just grab some corn flakes!"
He comes back.
Corn flakes in hand, body on fire.
"Save the corn flakes!
I have to go back inside!
I can't-- I will!"
"Are you son in there?" "No!
I saw yogurt!"
[laughter]
Poor people will eat all they can
no matter if it tastes good or not.
I've stayed
in terrible hotels in the past.
This one time,
I called the reception to ask for a towel
and they said, "It's on the clothesline."
[laughter]
I answered, "Okay, can you hold the dog?"
[laughter]
I went to get the towel and she said,
"Pick it all up, it's gonna rain."
[laughter]
With all the clothespins.
Treating the clean clothes like a corpse.
By the way, nothing messes
with the head of poor people like--
"Is there life after death?"
"Does God exist?"
None of these questions messes
with the mind of a poor person
like, on a cold day, at 6:30 am,
walking up to the clothesline,
touching a shirt and thinking,
"Is it wet or is it cold?"
[laughter]
The guy is rubbing underpants
against his face at 6:30 am.
Feeling if it has a fever.
And he never trusts himself.
"Mom, is it wet or is it cold?"
She shoves it between her tits.
[laughter]
-"It's just cold."
-[laughter]
You put it on and say, "It was wet, Mom!"
Guys, I never skip the hotel's breakfast.
Not even once.
I stay at hotels six times a week.
I always have breakfast,
but I never want to.
God is my witness. Never.
I turn off my phone--
The shows always end late,
people call you, you're all pumped up,
you rub one off-- When I go to bed,
it's past 5 am. Breakfast is until 10 am.
Physiologically, it's better to rest up,
have lunch
and perform well the next night.
So it turn my phone off,
leave the phone off the hook,
hang the "do not disturb" sign,
and think, "Bro, I'm not waking up.
For real.
Fuck it. I won't have breakfast!"
At 9:45, I hear, "Wake up!
[laughter]
Won't you have breakfast?"
[laughter]
"Fuck off!
I'm friends with Juca.
He'll beat the fuck out of you."
"Won't you--" "Who's there?"
"I'm inside.
-Wesley."
-[laughter]
"But I'm not hungry!"
"It's not about hunger.
It's free."
[laughter]
Then...
Then we go.
Poverty is not a plot,
it's the details.
Certain things
bring out the poor within you.
The other day, I went on a date
with one of the hottest girls I ever met.
Who knows why she accepted
to go out with me.
It's actually been a long time,
I'll be honest.
We went out to dinner
and hung out a little bit.
At some point, she said,
"Let's go to your place?"
I was like, "Sure, let's go."
It caught me by surprise.
So, we headed back. It was a cold day,
she went to my bedroom,
I went to the bathroom.
When I got into my bedroom,
the prettiest, hottest girl I had ever met
was lying on my bed.
I sat on my armchair facing her.
She stared at me, I stared at her.
She stared at me
with her beautiful face,
I stared at her with my face.
[laughter]
She stared at me, I stared at her.
And the only thing I could think was,
"Is she going to sleep
with her outside clothes?"
[laughter]
I never thought,
"I'm gonna fuck this hottie."
It was all Wesley saying,
"That's so disrespectful!"
Poor people have this chip implanted
in their brains by their mothers
about clothes. Outside clothes--
There's a hierarchy. Outside clothes,
lesser outside clothes,
church clothes, aunt-visiting clothes,
stay-at-home clothes,
stay-at-home brother clothes,
stay-at-home mom clothes,
and if you're really poor,
your mom will eventually start cutting
your clothes into rags.
You're taking a dump and realize
you're stepping on an old t-shirt.
"I made my First Communion with this--
Hey, Mom, this shirt received the host!"
I still have a separate pile
for outside clothes--
which is way shorter
than the inside clothes pile.
You're like,
"Inside clothes are a bad influence!
[laughter]
If I see you two together,
you're gonna pay for it!"
Some shirts are so overused
that when you look at them,
they're like, "Not again!
Choose another, motherfucker!"
You look for it inside the wardrobe,
they're hiding like, "Shh!"
"Mr. Tank Top,
please don't tell him I'm here!
Don't tell him! I'm so exhausted.
Look at how worn my neck is!
[laughter]
He doesn't take me off,
he thinks I'm a fucking tattoo!
Any idea how my life is like?
From washboard to drying rack,
from drying rack to body,
from body to washboard--
He doesn't even iron me.
'It will de-wrinkle on my body.' I won't!
[laughter]
Don't laugh, Mr. Shorts. You're not used!"
[applause]
You know who must be feeling
really confused?
The sweatpants. Mr. Sweatpants...
must be so confused.
He was always meant to be indoors.
Out of nowhere...
his career shot up.
He became a digital influencer,
goes to nightclubs.
"God, what am I doing here?"
[laughter]
I think clothes chat inside the wardrobe.
"Damn, girl,
you're three months away from retirement."
"I was already passed on to the mother."
"Have you heard about Ms. Jeans?"
"What about her?"
"She turned into shorts."
[laughter]
Anyway, I started undressing
in front of the girl
to encourage her to undress too.
"Look what I do
with my outside clothes. Ha-ha!"
She didn't flinch.
"Alright. Your clothes, your rules."
Put it in the outside pile,
wore some inside clothes just before sex,
washed my dick in the sink--
[laughter]
What? You're acting
like you didn't know we did it.
Fuck you all.
We show up with our shirt all wet--
[laughter]
Come on, ladies.
Ladies,
if right before having sex with you,
the guy doesn't show up with a wet shirt,
make no mistake:
he either didn't wash his dick
or he's very seasoned
and held his shirt up.
[laughter]
That's something
that only life can teach you.
[applause]
Some young fellows
are looking at me like, "No way!"
Oh, fuck you, ladies. Don't tell me
you don't wash your pussies in the sink.
[laughter]
You don't?
Really?
[laughter]
It must be like...
doing laundry in the lake
in the old times.
The pussy must get so startled
with the cold water. "Rosana!"
[laughter]
"Rosa-- Rosana, I'm drowning!
Christ, I may smell like fish,
but I can't swim!"
Anyway...
Soon's I get back from the bathroom--
I wonder what the subtitles girl
will come up with for "soon's".
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
"Soon's"?
That's for you, subtitler.
"Soon's I" is "as soon as I."
[chuckles]
Soon's I open the door
and get into the bedroom,
the prettiest, hottest girl I've ever seen
was lying on my bed in thongs...
and with my outside t-shirt on.
[laughter]
I got into the bedroom like, "Whoa!"
"Ha-ha, like what you see?"
I said, "Ha-ha, of course, I bought it."
[laughter]
"It looks good on me, right?"
-I said, "It looks better off you."
-[laughter]
She was like, "What?"
-I said, "Ha-ha-ha."
-[laughter]
"I'll sleep with it."
I said, "The hell you will."
[laughter]
She said, "What?"
I said,
"Hell, you will feel uncomfortable."
I opened the wardrobe and started
to pick up shirts from the indoors pile
like it was a thrift shop.
"How about this one,
full of holes and super comfy?"
"No." I said, "You won't be able
to say no to this one.
It's so good, from NASA."
"No." I said, "What about this rag
I stole from a hobo?"
She said, "No.
Why? Don't you like this one?"
I said, "I do, it's very nice."
"If you didn't like it,
come and tear it up."
-I got dizzy, sat on the bed.
-[laughter]
She tried to kiss my neck,
I dismissed her advances.
"I'm not feeling it. I don't feel great."
She rubbed her pussy against my arm,
I said, "Will you stop?
[laughter]
Leave me alone."
She tried to grab my dick, I said, "Hey!
No means no. Show some respect."
[laughter]
She said, "You're so strange."
I said, "Not as strange
as sleeping on outside clothes."
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
She said--
She dressed up and said,
"You know what? Fuck you. I'm out."
I said, "Godspeed."
[laughter]
[Thiago laughs]
I think poverty is hereditary.
My mom passed it on to me.
I have an undesired poor person's mindset
thanks to Mom.
Her genes-- It's basic math:
poor dick plus poor cunt
equals poor child.
Poor dick plus rich cunt,
the child may be rich,
because the mother has a lot of weight.
Rich dick plus poor cunt,
then it depends on the dick.
If he says, "I've got to buy cigarettes,"
fuck, then it's a--
Mom has always been so poor.
Today, thank God we're doing well off.
One of the biggest triumphs of my life
is being able to provide for my mother.
I'm so happy about it.
I work hard, and your money
has helped a great deal.
Really, I'm so happy
I managed to give Mom a beach house.
She always dreamed
about having a beach house.
"What wouldn't I give
to have a beach house."
Since I was very little, she would say,
"I love the beach, Afonso,
because I'm an Aquarius."
"You're a Poorius,
that's why you love it."
"I was a fish in my previous life."
"That explains why your memory suck."
"Afonso, one day, your old mother
will be on her beach house
wearing a bikini." I was like--
[laughter]
"I won't go visit you.
Not if you wear a bikini."
"It's my dream--"
She would always say that.
But as her kids started
to drop out of school--
grade seven, grade eight,
and then there's me,
who graduated from high school. Um--
As we got dumber, she gave up on her dream
because she had to work hard
to provide for us.
That's why it was such a big joy
to give her a beach house.
My producer helped me to surprise her.
We went to a beach in Santa Catarina,
saw the worst, cheapest house there was--
that your money could afford--
I got that house and made her a surprise.
I took photos, the property deed,
the keys, everything.
Poor people only consider it theirs
when everything is palpable.
If it doesn't have their name on it,
it just can't be theirs.
So, with everything in hand,
I said, "It's time."
I took all the stuff,
the photos, the keys, the deed,
and put it in a box very carefully.
We're usually not the emotional kind
because Mom didn't have time for that.
And I'd rather have lasagna
than a hug anyway.
Someone buys me a pizza,
I say, "I love you too."
We sat together,
and I tried my hand at being cute.
I took the box, tied a ribbon around it,
handed it to her,
she looked at me
with all her sensibility and said,
"If it's a prank,
I'm going to smash your face in."
[laughter]
Because having a poor mother
is like adopting an abused dog:
it never trusts you entirely.
"What are you doing?
You're up to no good!"
I said, "Open it, Mom."
"If it's a prank--" "Mom, open it."
"What if it's a dick?" I said, "What?"
[laughter]
"It could be a dick."
"Why would I gift you a dildo?"
She said, "I've seen the dildo prank.
The person opens the box
and is hit by a dildo."
I said, "Who are you following
that posts dildo pranks?"
She said, "It's stuff people share.
If it's a dildo,
I'm going to spank you with it.
"What?" "You're going to take that dick!"
-I was like, "Whoa!
-[laughter]
"Stop talking about dick." "Afonso--"
I was like, "Mom, just open it."
She handled it very carefully,
afraid of finding a dildo inside,
and saw that it was a key,
a deed, a picture,
and said, "What's this?"
"It's the beach house you wanted."
That's when Mom started to cry.
The toughest person I've ever met
started to melt in front of me,
crying her eyes out.
And I couldn't believe.
My mom-- Lemon balm tea, we--
My mom would cycle to work
on 27-degree cold days.
You know what that feels like?
You get off the bike but--
look, your butthole stays on the saddle.
Suddenly, the toughest woman I've ever met
was melting in front of me.
I didn't get it.
As she cried and cried, I realized it.
I began to understand.
Imagine fighting to raise three children.
You used to have a dream
that gradually deflated
to give way to other priorities,
and one day your kids
make your dream come true.
By "kids" I mean me.
My brothers did nothing.
Kids, a.k.a. Afonso Padilha.
Afonso made her dream come true.
She was crying out of pride
for having done a good work.
She continues to cry,
I keep staring at her.
That was four years ago,
but I still get goosebumps.
It was so moving
that I'll never forget when she said,
"Is it paid off?"
[laughter]
I was like, "What a fucking dick.
I should have given her a dildo instead."
No, my mom is one of the most
incredible people I've ever met
because she's always been poor--
I was not my fault--
and she always liked to help people.
She's always been so altruistic.
She'd say, "We gotta help.
God will give back two-fold."
And I'd say, "Mom,
poor times poor is twice as poor."
"No, Afonso. Share, and one day
God shall give you back two-fold.
We gotta share."
There's something
that I learned to do with her.
In the first week of December,
Mom would gather all the kids,
Lincoln, Jean and me,
and tell us,
"Pick your worst clothes for donation."
[laughter]
I'd say,
"My worst clothes are all of them!
Close your eyes, reach inside the wardrobe
and pick whatever.
Wanna take this trash? Be my guest.
Just don't give yours away
because no one will wear it."
Then she'd kick my ass,
and I'd do as told but crying.
"Mom, this t-shirt you are seeing--
Is it good or bad? I don't remember."
[laughter]
Allow me to open a parenthesis.
Remember when your mother would spank you
and make you do shit crying?
You'd go sweep the front yard like,
"I don't know why Mom--"
[laughter]
Moms in the house: it doesn't matter
if your kid is in the wrong,
once you spank them,
they're the most wronged person on Earth.
They'll be like, "I did nothing--"
Mumbling in slow motion like, "But I--"
[laughter]
"I was just--"
Remember when Mom would spank us
and make us do the dishes?
You'd sob and mumble like you were talking
to some imaginary friend,
[sobbing] "I was just playing--
[laughter]
I was just playing video game.
[laughter]
Then Mom said,
'Go do the dishes.'
Then I said, 'Wait up, Mom!
Let me beat the final boss.'
Then she said, 'I'm the big boss...
and I'm telling you
to go do
the dishes.'
Then I said, 'But Mom,
just let me save.'
And she said,
'You're no hero to save anything.'
Then I said, 'I mean save the game, Mom.'
And she said, 'Go do the dishes.'
I said, 'Just let me die first.'
She said, 'If you die, I'll kill you.'
[laughter]
I said, 'Mom--' And she said, 'I'm not...
gonna say it...
again.'
Then she came and hit me
with the joystick."
[laughter]
[applause]
I'm actually crying. Sad memories.
Overwhelmingly void of affection.
Remember when you would say,
"I'm going to run away!"
You know? "I didn't ask to be born!"
[laughter]
That's a classic.
"I didn't ask to be born!"
Mom would always have a clapback.
Maybe she was a mother
in her previous life.
It was so impressive. "I'll run away!"
"Take your brothers with you!"
[laughter]
"I didn't ask to be born!"
"I didn't want you to be born as well."
Once I said,
"I...
would like to die."
She promptly answered,
"Do the dishes first then die.
[laughter]
And stop crying or I'll spank you harder."
[laughter]
[sobs]
[laughter]
You'd rewind the crying tape.
My little brother Jean, when Mom said,
"Stop crying or I'll spank you."
He'd glitch the fuck out, "No--"
My big brother would imitate a bike.
I cracked up.
[imitates bike revving]
He'd be like, "Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop--" Mom would say,
"I'll spank the three of you!"
I was like--
[laughter]
Anyway, that was the parenthesis.
Mom would gather the three of us...
and tell us to pick our worst clothes
for donation.
We'd pick it all up, give it to her,
she'd take it, donate it to the church--
she's always been a dedicated Catholic.
She'd also give tithe
to the Evangelical church,
perform voodoo rituals,
and light up candles just in case.
She'd take no chances.
Covered all bases.
But she gave the clothes
to the Catholic church
every year in the first week of December.
By the third week, because of Christmas,
the church would take those clothes
and donate it to poor families.
[laughter]
What a small world we live in, everyone.
In the first week we'd donate it,
two weeks later we'd get it back
all confused.
"Wow, Mom,
it's just like the shirt we donated."
[laughter]
God did give back two-fold,
I got this and one even worse.
There's this one time when Mom--
I thought that--
We all have embarrassing stories
involving our parents
from when we were little.
But I though these would stop
once I grew old.
In December last year...
[laughs]
I took my mom to a resort
in Rio Quente, everyone.
Caldas Novas, Rio Quente.
I took my mom to Hot Park,
a very fancy hotel.
It was her first fancy hotel.
She took a dump in the dark
because she didn't know
what the keycard was for.
[laughter]
I kept my mouth shut
as the cleaning lady said,
"Rose, someone shat on the floor
in room 108 again."
[laughter]
I was like, "Shh!"
She said,
"Afonso, how do you shit in the dark?"
"I'm experienced with hotels, Mom."
"Damn, I shat in the sink this morning."
[laughter]
I went with Mom and Aunt Cida.
Aunty knew how it works.
Mom didn't,
and I forgot to show her around.
Poor people need a basic hotel tutorial.
"To turn on the light, use the keycard.
To take a shower,
you don't turn the handle all the way,
it depends on the season we're in.
"Seasoning? Like a salad?" "No, Mom!"
"No, you gotta balance the amount
of hot and cold water so that...
you have a good shower.
And finally, do you see that thing?"
"The dwarf fridge?" "It's called minibar.
Don't ever get near it.
Not even if they say,
'We have kidnapped your son,
hand out the Cokes in the--'
Don't, Mom. Let them kill me.
Don't get near the minibar.
One chocolate milk will cost us our car."
I forgot to give Mom this walkthrough.
I went with her and Aunt Cida.
I was on room 101,
Mom was on room 108, I think,
and Aunt Cida was on room--
Fuck her, she doesn't matter.
She was there but played no part,
just like Dad. So--
She exists but didn't participate.
So, each one had their room.
I was in my room for half an hour.
The hotel was great.
Suddenly I hear an "Ouch!"
[laughter]
I got spooked. "Ou-ou-ouch!"
I asked the reception to call room 108.
They called, Mom answered.
"Mom, are you okay?"
She said, "Did you see
how much a bottle of water costs?"
[panting]
I said, "Is it expensive?"
"It's half of our water bill."
[laughter]
"That expensive?"
"You can wash the driveway
for three weeks with this bottle."
"Don't be exaggerated." "I'm not."
"You can drink it."
"I can't pull money out of my ass."
I said, "Mom, don't be silly.
You know I'm working.
You did so much for us, you deserve it.
The least I can do
is provide you with some comfort."
She said, "Did you see
how much a bottle of water costs?"
[laughter]
"I don't care, I'll pay it."
"Are you a drug dealer?"
I was like, "What?"
"I won't drink it.
My organism might reject it and I'll die."
"So drink from the tap."
"I'm not that nasty."
"So you're gonna be thirsty?"
"Let's go to the convenience store."
She made us go to the convenience store.
[laughter]
We were in a hot spring resort
that God heated for us.
"Sure, let's go. When we're back,
God will have cooled down the water
out of anger."
"Let's go, I'm thirsty."
You know where the nearest
convenience store we found was?
Across the state.
[laughter]
We had to go back and check out first.
[laughter]
When we found it...
We went in, Mom grabbed water,
cookies, some Tupperware--
I still don't know why.
"You're buying Tupperwares?"
She said, "Márcia doesn't give mine back."
[laughter]
Every poor person
has a friend called Márcia.
-If you don't, you are Márcia.
-[laughter]
Then Mom said,
"Shut up, I'll take it."
We headed to checkout.
I got all happy,
"We're finally going back."
She started staring at the ground coffees.
"What are you doing?"
"Looking for some instant coffee.
You know I have headaches
if I don't drink coffee."
I said, "Hey, Ms. Scrooge...
[laughter]
We're in a resort hotel.
You can have coffee all day."
"I don't like to bother."
I said, "It's a hotel, goddammit."
[laughter]
It's a hotel, Mom,
it exists so that you don't have
to be bothered yourself."
"I didn't raise you
to treat others like that!"
[laughter]
She doesn't like to bother so much,
that the maid was cleaning up,
she said, "Girl, you don't have to!
[laughter]
You can--
Leave that sheet right there, girl!"
The maid was taking the wet towels--
"Don't, I'll just hang it to dry!"
"Mom--" She said, "I'm taking it!"
"You'll bother them worse
by asking for hot water.
They probably have hot coffee
ready to be served."
She said,
"I won't ask nothing from nobody."
"You're making it with cold water?"
"No, I'll heat water in the micro-wave."
I said, "Did you bring
a microwave from home?"
She said, "Of course not.
There's one in the room."
-"Why do you have one, and I don't?"
-[laughter]
"Because I'm your mother!" And just left.
Like it was a great comeback.
Dropped the mic and left.
I went after her, "Mom, just ask for it."
"No, I'll take instant coffee."
I said, "No!"
"I'm taking it!" "But there's no need to!
Mom, you won't take it."
Next thing I know,
we're heading back with coffee.
I was pissed that I gave in.
"Why, Mom?" "I want to."
"Mom, there's no need--"
We kept bickering.
We got back and went to our rooms.
Aunt Cida-- Fuck her, nobody cares.
[laughter]
I was so pissed with Mom,
but I physically can't get to curse her,
you know?
I was like, "That f-- old lady!"
[laughter]
This vein here pops up.
"I'm gonna have a stroke
because of that old cu--
F-- that old frigging b--"
Half an hour later, I'm still,
"F-- that old c--"
Forty minutes later, I'm like,
"Let me go have coffee with her."
[laughter]
It's my mother, dammit. So what?
I knocked on the door, "Mom?"
She said,
"Want some coffee, son of a bitch?"
[laughter]
"How do you know?"
"You got out of my cunt."
[retches]
[laughter]
Too much info.
She said, "Shut up and fix us coffee."
I grabbed the instant coffee like,
"F-- old wh--
That darn stupid b--
Looking for the microwave
while Mom was like--
[laughter]
And I'm like, "Damn old c--
Son of a b--"
[laughter]
She said, "Are you high, Afonso?"
I was like, "What?"
"Hanging out too much
with Thiago Ventura, right?"
[laughter]
"I'm just looking for the microwave
to make us coffee."
"Open the door, you idiot."
I opened it. "There," she said.
I looked at it...
looked back at her
to see if she was fucking with me.
[laughter]
"This?" She said,
"If it was a snake, it would've bit you."
[laughter]
I said, "If it was a microwave...
it would've bit me too, but it's a safe."
[laughter]
Can you imagine? My mom...
mistook a safe for a microwave.
She was this close
to locking up a box of instant coffee.
[laughter]
She almost locked it,
and she would have typed in "130"--
not 1:30, because it's a safe--
and she would just wait.
Five minutes later,
she'd have thought she had broken it.
But she wouldn't say nothing,
'cause if the water is expensive,
imagine that little microwave.
She would tell me on our way back home.
"I broke the hotel's little microwave.
[laughter]
I didn't tell them.
I won't sell my beach house
to pay them, Afonso."
Do you realize what happened?
Imagine if I had complained
to the front desk,
"How come Mom has a microwave
and I don't?"
[laughter]
You know? Luckily, I didn't.
But I had a fit of laughter, everyone.
'Cause Mom-- And when I crack up,
I don't know about your mothers,
but the more Mom tells me to stop,
the more I laugh.
"Oh my God!"
"Stop laughing,
I'm going to give you a spanking."
"You're gonna hit me
with the microwave?" "Stop it!
Stop it, Afonso. Stop laughing."
And I'm like,
"God, you mistook it-- You--"
"Stop laughing!" And I crack up even more
every time she tells me to stop.
"But what's the point
of having a safe in the room?"
"To store expensive stuff."
"Oh, let me grab the water."
[laughter]
Who can blame her?
Three days later, we were leaving.
I had already checked out, Mom hadn't.
"Want help?" "I can handle it myself."
She went to the front desk,
gave them her keycard.
"Have you consumed anything, ma'am?"
"No fucking way," she answered.
[laughter]
"Not even a bottle of water?"
"Only if I pulled money out of my ass."
"Not even a chocolate?"
"Hell no, it'd make me thirsty."
That's her being smart.
"It'd make me thirsty."
"Nothing? Alright then." Mom said, "Nope."
The guy picked up the radio,
"Consumption check, room 108."
My mom got possessed.
"Are you calling me a liar, sir?
[laughter]
Are you doubting me?
I'm poor but I'm honest.
I never stole nothing, just so you know."
Poor people say "just so you know."
"Just so you know...
I never stole anything.
Are you doubting me?"
I saw her and headed out.
"I'm too old
for this kind of embarrassment."
She kept screaming,
"I never stole anything,
I've worked for rich people,
I've been through a lot,
I cleaned the house of a politician
who made a fortune,
I never stole.
My kids had no mixture, no milk,
drank lemon balm tea,
and I never stole--
My boys are all grown up,
never messed with drugs.
Two of them smoke pot,
but I have nothing to do with it.
[laughter]
They're straight-up boys, I never stole--"
The guy was getting uncomfortable,
Mom wouldn't stop screaming,
Aunt Cida was somewhere nobody cares,
Mom kept freaking out--
The guy said, "It's standard procedure."
"Slender creature my ass!"
He said, "Ma'am, calm down.
I'm just asking--"
"You're doubting me!"
"No! I ask because the mini fridge
is a courtesy to Padilha's family."
[audience awws]
She reacted
exactly like you poor motherfuckers.
Exactly. As soon as he said it,
she was like, "Aww."
The front desk guy say, "Well, yeah."
Mom said,
"Lend me the keycard,
I think I forgot something."
[laughter]
Everyone, thank you so much.
My name is Afonso Padilha.
It was so, so great
to be here with you today.
Thank you so much for coming.
I can't say how happy I am.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks a lot.
[audience cheering]
[chorinho music plays]
[cheering continues]
Subtitle translation by Othelo Sabbag
for Netflix, everyone. So happy.
You know what I've been thinking
since we signed the contract?
I wish I was a fly
to be able to see my ex's face.
-Man...
-[laughter]
What wouldn't I give.
She can block me on Instagram,
she can block me on WhatsApp,
she can block me on Facebook.
But on Netflix...
[laughter]
No, she can't. I wish--
[cheering and applause]
I wish I was a fly, really.
To see her face when she opens Netflix
and I'm on her Top Picks For You.
[laughter]
Holding my dick. Is it allowed?
The other day,
some chick sent me a DM on Instagram,
"Afonso, I'm a big fan of your work."
"Thanks a lot."
"I really am."
I was like, "I had already believed you."
"I like your work, I like you,
but I won't lie-- I'm not poor."
It was so odd.
It's very rare for non-poor people
to dig my work.
"I'm not broke, but I would love
to go see Alma de Pobre."
"Please do."
She said, "I have a question.
If I go, will I have fun?"
I was like, "Of course."
She said, "Even if I'm not broke?"
I wanted her money, so I said,
"Of course you will."
[laughter]
She asked, "But will I have
as much fun as broke people?"
I was like, "No...
No one has as much fun as broke people."
You know what I'm saying.
You're clapping for no reason.
It's true.
Tickets went for 80 bucks?
They're gonna laugh 80 bucks.
Every penny will be treated
as the last they'll ever make.
If he doesn't laugh the whole 80 bucks,
he'll be mad, "I only laughed 53 bucks!"
"I paid 80 and got 53. Fuck that."
Don't mind my hands.
My fans go home like this.
"I only laughed 53--
[laughter]
No, I paid--
Can you believe it? I paid 80--
[applause]
And only got 53, goddammit."
I made that joke in Manaus
and they were like, "I only laughed--"
[laughter]
They liked it. They said--
[imitates Indians]
My fans are generally broke, I know.
People who follow my work, I mean.
It's so good to see
how affectionate people get.
You're pretty much in the dark.
Then you get recognized
and you get a glimpse of how much
that person likes you,
even if you don't physically touch
or know each other.
It's really cool.
Sometimes I'm walking down the street--
Wherever I am.
People roll down the car window.
They mean business.
And it's always like this,
'cause my fans are broke.
It's never an Evoque whirring like--
[imitates window whirring]
It's never a BMW.
[imitates window whirring]
Never. It's always some dude--
It's never like, "Hello, Afonso.
Afonso Padilha, is that right?
I fancy your work, young man.
Not only yours,
but also your friends'--
Thiago, Marcio, Dihh--
I rather fancy the four of you
and appreciate what you've been doing
for the scene.
Keep doing what you do.
I follow you on YouTube, Instagram...
and Facebook.
I like it and I hope you keep on going.
I'll continue to be a fan.
Cheers to you and to your mother."
[imitates window whirring]
It's never like that. It's like,
"Yo, fucktard, where did your dad go?"
[laughter]
It's always--
No, it's always someone rude.
[cheering and applause]
It's always someone very rude.
The other day some dude in a Civic
rolled down his window and shouted,
"Hey, I know you got
your butthole licked!"
[laughter]
I was downtown,
a whole crowd of people stared at me.
And I couldn't say anything,
'cause it had been licked.
[laughter]
I was like, "You got me!"
"Keep doing it!"
"Sure, I'll let them lick it!"
"Peace out!"
On he went to crank his stiff window up.
Have you ever had a car like this?
You start to shake.
Window goes down okay
but rolls up all jiggly.
[laughter]
Have you ever had a car--
You lend your car to a friend,
he opens the window, you're like, "No!"
[laughter]
You need two people to shut the window.
One handling the crank,
the other pushing it up.
[laughter]
You can't get any more broke than this.
Ever had a car like that?
At the toll booth,
you just open the door
and pay from up here.
The person inside
gives you a judgmental look,
like you wanted to drive that beater.
[laughter]
The windshield wipers don't even move,
they just drone--
[imitates wipers droning]
"Fuck it, I'll clean it myself."
You get a little squeegee
and start wiping it.
Your shotgun is like,
"I think you gotta replace the rubber."
Oh, really? You don't say!
Have you had a car like that?
It's so old the seatbelt doesn't retract.
You gotta pull it by hand.
[laughter]
Fuck that. You tell your passenger,
"Wrap it around your neck,
we're gonna die anyway."
Have you had a car like that?
The interior handle is busted
so you roll down the window
to open the door. That's--
You feel like you're being
a gentleman to yourself.
"Let me get the door for you."
[laughter]
Have you had a car like that?
Anyway, it's so nice to be recognized
thanks to my work,
even though I know
I'm more anonymous than I'm famous.
Because we live in bubbles.
We're only known
by a limited number of people.
Back in the day, famous people
were actually famous.
The TV was the only medium there was,
so in order to be famous
you had to be on Globo.
You had to be on SBT,
you had to be on Record.
Never mind, no one on Record is famous.
Unless you're a demon or a pastor.
Sometimes both are the same person--
Pr. Valdomiro. So--
[laughter]
It's like a religious amusement park.
Don't you think it's kind of ironic
how Valdomiro offers healing
while he limps?
He's like, "Brother, I'll heal you!"
I'll tell you, it's so great.
We're living a very happy moment.
I live with Thiago Ventura,
we have a comedy group,
and we've been traveling around Brazil.
This year, we sold out every show we did.
We've been doing comedy for ten years,
and it was empty for nine, everyone.
This year, people have shown up.
And I'll tell you,
it's so much more fun when you do.
Much more fun.
And look, we discuss a lot
to remain grounded
and understand it's ephemeral.
We know that in two years' time
other comedians will be on the rise,
and we'll continue doing stand-up.
But there's nothing better
as a comedian, as an artist,
to step on a stage and see this, everyone.
There's nothing better
and more rewarding--
Really, no demagogy.
[applause]
There's nothing nicer,
I mean it, than stepping on a stage,
seeing this and thinking,
"Holy shit,
look at how much money I'm making."
[laughter]
Some are like,
"Oh, Afonso, is it all about the money?"
[laughter]
Just kidding, of course it's not.
It's also about free food and chicks.
Just kidding.
I like to-- You know why
I like to make that joke?
Because there are two kinds
of broke people.
There's the cool guy who's like,
"Son of a bitch!
You making real money?
Gimme a motorbike then!"
And then there's the salty guy who's like,
"I didn't like that joke."
Sometimes we do this, we are this person.
Don't be salty. Being broke is bad enough.
Being a salty broke person is disgusting.
Sometimes, we--
Without noticing,
we act like real bastards.
For instance-- every one's been there.
When a woman friend, a cousin,
a girl that is close to you
starts to make more money,
to get home a bit later,
meets new people,
makes a new circle of friends,
posts travel photos on Instagram,
fresh clothes.
You never think, "She's working hard.
She got a promotion.
She's showing up and proving
that women are as good as men,"
and of course they are.
The first thing you'll say is,
"Did she become a whore?"
[laughter]
And chances are she didn't.
But who knows!
I wouldn't blame her.
We gotta support poor people,
side with them.
When the poor makes money, it's money.
The rich call it "more."
The poor call it "money."
Ever seen those stories
on rich people that lost it all
and killed themselves out of frustration?
When poor people who had nothing
earn a lot of money and lose it all,
they're like, "Oh, well..."
[laughter]
"Bought some cars, fucked some hoes,
had a tough break.
They said frozen yogurt was profitable,
so I invested."
It's real money for the poor.
When someone broke wins the lottery,
they think
they'll never have to work again.
They get that money and think,
"Holy shit, I'm never gonna work again."
Fast-forward three years,
he's an Uber driver.
[laughter]
Because the poor call it "money."
The rich call it "more."
It's just more money.
When rich people find cash,
they pull it out of their pocket like,
"Oh, hi, Benjamin."
Ever seen a broke guy finding cash?
Some of them are itching right now.
"Damn..."
They're reaching into their pockets like,
"You never know..."
When a broke guy finds cash
in his pocket, he's like, "Bruh!"
[laughter]
Outta nowhere, Lord? Thou puttest...
this little gift--
I am not worthy, O Lord,
of so many blessings.
Aleluia!
[laughter]
I'm not-- Oh!
Look.
[applause]
Thank you. Thank you, Lord."
He pulls it out: two bucks.
He's like, "Fuck yeah!"
[laughter]
He had nothing,
now he's two bucks less broke.
And the poorer you are,
the more you value your money.
You know a person used to be poor
not when they buy a car or a house,
but when they start to make money
and the first thing they say is,
"Hell, I'm not going to skimp on food!"
[laughter]
Guy used to never have food.
Then he's like,
"I want it with four mixtures!"
If you know what mixture is,
congrats, you're broke as fuck.
If you understand it,
this show is for you.
Rich people in the house, a "mixture"--
How can I put this...
-Everything that's not rice or beans...
-[audience] It's mixture.
All the broke people upfront...
The poorer you are,
the more you value money you make.
I know it 'cause I was raised--
My mom raised us by herself
on 400 bucks a month.
Three kids on 400 bucks.
We were so broke
that poor people would pity us.
[laughter]
We were the paradigm,
"We can't fail as bad as them!"
I'd ask my mom--
I was raised hearing stuff
only very poor people hear.
"I'm so broke I can't afford
to shit in a bus station toilet."
[laughter]
I hate that one.
"A bus station public toilet."
We rarely went out at all,
it makes no sense.
"Mom, can I have it?"
"I can't pull money out of my ass."
Until I was 13, I used to think
my mother paid everything with her ass.
"Debit or credit?"
"My mom's ass. Shove it.
The tits upfront
and the ass in installments.
It's her 'assdit' card.
Go ahead and swipe it.
She had to bounce real quick,
but she's gonna be right back
to bounce on you too.
[laughter]
Mom's in the audience like,
"I never paid anything with my ass!
[laughter]
I don't mean it literally!"
"Shit in a bus station toilet."
Hate that one.
The first money I made
was my first paycheck at age 16.
It was the first money I made.
They asked me,
"What are you going to do with it?"
Went straight to the nearest bus station
and took a huge dump.
-[laughter]
-Best feeling ever.
All the diesel smoke.
"This is what being rich feels like."
We were so broke, you have no idea.
Sometimes I'm talking with Mom
and she goes like,
"Oh, I miss the old times."
I want to smack her in the face.
You don't know how broke we were.
My young brother lives in Portugal.
Big brother lives in Arraial do Cabo,
it's been some time he moved there.
He's a fantastic fellow, I love him.
He makes wonderful pressure pots
out of soda cans.
He makes ashtrays out of beer cans,
you can't even tell it's handicraft.
I joke about him because he has
no Internet, he's a hippie.
He'll never see this.
And my little brother is living in Lisbon
for four months now.
I bought his ticket
and I'm supporting him.
I think that's what you're meant to do
when you're making a bit of money
and your brother is getting death threats.
He's--
[laughter]
Mom hates that joke.
"They'll see it on Netflix
and go after him!"
[laughter]
It's true.
He's living there.
The day Mom and I dropped him
at the airport,
she started to cry.
Her son was moving far away,
so I gave her a hug.
I said,
"Mom, relax, it's not a long flight.
She looked at me,
"I miss when Jean was a newborn."
Back when he was a newborn,
that's the poorest we ever were.
I though we couldn't be any more broke,
but, hey...
My mom was so driven.
The broke people's sky
was the limit for that lady.
We were really broke.
"I miss when Jean was a newborn."
I got so pissed, I said,
"I'm gonna tell you a story
and make you not miss it."
I'll tell you too.
When my brother was one year old--
When he was one year old,
this one time, we ran out of milk.
And by "one time" I mean "often."
When I say "one time,"
broke people in the audience are like,
"That's cute."
Poor people compete to be the poorest.
One says, "Oh, one time?"
The other says, "What's milk?"
They're always--
[laughter]
But this one time we had run out of milk.
My mother had a day job.
She always did her best to ensure
we had everything we needed.
I wasn't enough, we often didn't.
But she tried.
She'd go to work at 7 am
and come back at midnight.
She always worked her ass off,
and she'd leave us chores
so we had things to do.
My little brother was one, I was eight,
and my big brother was 15 at the time.
I'd take care of my little brother,
cook and clean,
and my big brother was reaching that age
when poor kids leave home
-to smoke weed. So...
-[laughter]
he'd do his thing while I was home.
On this day, we had ran out of milk
and my little brother started to cry.
I was losing it
because I didn't know why he was crying.
The more desperate I got,
the more he cried.
I figured he must be hungry,
but there was no milk.
As he cried and cried,
I was getting beyond desperate.
Back then, I couldn't call Mom.
because cell phones didn't exist.
They actually did,
but if it was expensive,
Mom would say it didn't exist.
"Can I have a cookie?"
-"There's no such thing.
-[laughter]
Unless I pull a cookie out of my ass."
So, I couldn't call Mom,
but I was getting so desperate
that I went ahead
and made him a lemon balm tea.
Yeah.
Lemon balm, lemon grass-- That weed
that grows on poor people's backyards.
And gave it to him without knowing
it's like natural Dramamine.
It's not written anywhere,
"Be careful not to overdose kids."
Damn, he slept like a rock.
The baby passed the fuck out.
When he woke up, he was eight.
"Goddamn, what have I missed?"
He drank it at 9:40 am,
my Mom got home at 12:40 am
When she got home,
he was sleeping for over 15 hours.
She picked him up
and he had turned into slime.
[laughter]
This was his head. He melted.
Mom said, "You killed him!"
I was like, "No!"
She'd shake him and nothing.
"Mom, he's not dead."
She'd hit him, "Look, Afonso!
It's broken!"
I said, "Mom, I didn't kill him.
He was hungry."
She said, "He died of hunger?"
"No, he was hungry,
so I gave him a lemon balm tea."
She was like, "You what?" "Two bottles."
She said, "Are you crazy?"
"He slept just before the third."
[laughter]
I didn't know what to do.
And I remember I got her so shocked
that from that day on something changed.
Something clicked inside her mind.
From that point on,
she'd give him lemon balm tea
every chance she got.
[laughter]
Kids sleep like a log.
Nowadays we're quite well-off,
I'm not gonna lie.
We've been poor in the past,
but not anymore.
Nope. Mom has a customized kitchen.
That's right. It's the only thing
that was planned in her whole life.
[laughter]
Dumped by three husbands,
mother of three accidents.
Do you think she planned for anything?
Babies would bungee jump out of her cunt.
She'd cut the umbilical cord
and resume her chores.
"Golly! One more child."
Today, we are doing very well
for ourselves.
The other day, we--
Look how far we've come.
We were having breakfast
and I noticed how well-off we are.
I was sipping my coffee
and noticed that our flatware
was not mismatched. Can you believe it?
The same black poly handles.
None of that yellow kind,
all chipped and burnt.
[laughter]
Some of you look clueless,
some broke people are like, "You made it!"
[laughter]
That's it.
Ever seen a poor family's flatware?
Looks like they robbed
a bunch of different homes.
When we visited friends, Mom would say,
"Take a couple of forks."
[laughter]
I've only just recently realized
that I made it in life.
I said, "We really are rich, Mom."
We hugged, I got so emotional.
I was at my Mom's the other day
and when I opened the oven-- wait for it--
there was no pot full of used oil.
Would you believe it?
[laughter]
That's getting ahead in life.
French fries on fresh oil!
Want some fries? Bam! Fresh oil.
No such thing as fries that taste
like meat-tasting fish.
Poor people's fries
should be called Neapolitan fries.
It's got three flavors.
It's trans fries.
Born potato but identifies as beef.
I remember when I was little.
I'd say, "Mom,
one day I'll make lots of money."
"Afonso, shut up and do the dishes."
"But, Mom...
one day I'll make so much money
I'll never do the dishes again."
"Until then,
shut your trap and do the dishes."
"Mom, I'll make money
and we won't be poor anymore."
"Afonso, pay attention to your mother.
No matter how much money you make,
you'll always be poor."
"How so?" "Afonso, hear me out.
If you've ever really been poor..."
-[audience] "You remain poor at heart."
-Poor motherfuckers can't help it.
One hundred percent
of the times I did this show,
they can't help but say it.
It's unbelievable.
Sometimes you don't want to,
but it's stronger than you.
"If you've ever really been poor,
you remain--"
It's like we have to throw it up.
Once, I began to say it
and a mute guy in the corner--
[mumbles] "You remain poor at heart!"
[laughter]
I worked a miracle.
[laughter]
"If you've ever really--"
I never understood this saying, everyone,
until last January, at 30 years of age.
"If you've ever been poor,
you remain poor at heart."
In January, I went to New York
to visit Times Square.
-Best moment of my life.
-[cheering and applause]
Thanks. I'm the one who owe you applause,
because you sponsored it.
The first movie
I saw in the theater, everyone,
was Tobey Maguire's Spider Man.
It's the best one, from 2001.
In 2001, I went to watch
the best Spider Man movie ever made.
When I got there, as a young kid,
I was so obsessed. That huge screen--
They shot big scenes in Times Square,
and I kept thinking,
"One day I'll visit this place."
In January,
I went with my brother Thiago Ventura.
One of the best moments of my life.
Getting there, it was like 26 °F.
Thiago was shivering.
-Being from Curitiba, I was fine.
-[laughter]
Thiago was so cold. "Bro, I don't know.
My dick's not here,
it must have got stuck in customs."
I was like, "What?"
He said, "Call me One Inchiago."
[laughter]
It was damn freezing.
He said, "Let's go to our hotel."
I said, "Let's go to Times Square."
"But I'll freeze to death!"
I said, "No, Thiago.
Let's go to Times Square."
"Alright, bro, whatever."
We went there, and it was
one of the happiest moments of my life.
It was past 3 am when we got there,
it was snowing--
It was a very promising day.
I started to cry with my bro Thiago.
Because that was a dream come true
for my 14-year-old self.
There I was beholding that sight
while hugging Thiago,
and the only thing I could think was,
"The electric bill
must be hella expensive."
[laughter]
That's when I saw what Mom meant.
"If you've ever really been poor..."
I hugged Thiago, "Fuck, bro."
"It's insane!"
"It must be so expensive!"
He was like, "Damn, you're dumb."
"Why?" "They steal from next door."
[laughter]
Always hang out
with someone poorer than you.
Then I understood
why you remain poor at heart.
No matter how much money you make,
If you've ever really been poor,
you remain poor at heart.
Poverty is not a plot, it's the details.
Poverty is not macro, it's micro.
Poor people are just like rich people,
but poor.
It's true. You see poverty in the details.
That's where you see it.
Take a "regular" person,
send them to the moon and back.
In the interview after they land back--
"So, what was it like?"
They'll say, "It was one
of the best feelings I've ever had,
if not the best,
and I'm never going to experience
anything like it.
From up there,
I could see how little we actually are
in this ever-expanding universe.
We're just passing through.
Every time I catch myself complaining--
I should be thankful
for being here at all.
When I leave this world,
the world will keep on going.
So, I should be just thankful
and do my absolute best
to leave my mark."
That's a regular person.
Now, send a poor person up and down.
When they're back, they'll be like,
"It ain't worth it."
[laughter]
[applause]
"What do you mean?"
"It's just too much fuel."
[laughter]
It's not a plot, it's the details.
No matter how much money you make,
the poor will remain poor at heart.
You'll always have a poor person's soul.
There will always be a sleeping Wesley
down here.
A Míriam--
Míriam is such a poor girl's name.
Poor and religious.
Míriams are born religious.
They come out ready to preach,
with their long skirts and mason husbands.
[laughter]
That's the Míriam kit, what can I do?
They come like this by default.
Some people are remembering...
"Fuck, Míriam is a fervent Christian!"
It's not a plot, it's the details.
Have you seen The Exorcist?
That child is not the devil.
But sometimes she is. Have you seen it?
She's seven or eight, she's not evil.
But sometimes she's like,
"I'm gonna kill you!"
Sometimes she's the devil.
Not always, but sometimes.
Just like the formerly poor guy.
Sometimes...
he'll let an "irregardless" slip,
a "supposably,"
a "God Almighty!"
He'll call the waitress over to ask
if the refills are free.
[laughter]
-"Do y'all have a dollar menu?" You know?
-[laughter]
-Poverty is the details.
-[applause]
It's the micro.
Want to spot someone poor?
Imagine two different people
standing side by side.
The two of them
have the same amount of money,
the same age, same gender.
They're basically identical
and they're equally rich,
but only one of them used to be poor.
How do you spot which one did?
Just observe them standing there.
Five minutes on,
the one who's never been poor
will be standing normally.
The poor person will be like this. It's--
[laughter]
That's the poor person's handbrake.
One minute he's like this,
the other he's like this.
Soon he's judging people.
"Did you see Jackie got knocked up?"
[laughter]
It's the detail.
Poverty is the details.
Some things bring out the poor within you.
Hotel breakfast buffets. Jesus Christ...
Wesley starts roaring.
"There's papaya," he says.
"Hmm, there's papaya!"
At home, the papaya rottens.
But hotel papaya is just--
"It's good for your poop, eat it.
Hmm, melon. Have some grapes.
Eggs, sausage, honey.
Hold on, is that tapioca?
Grab some bananas for later."
[laughter]
Poor people will eat all they can.
Come hell or high water.
The place may be on fire.
"The hotel is on fire,
please evacuate the building."
"Fuck, it's 9:50 am!
Let's just grab some corn flakes!"
He comes back.
Corn flakes in hand, body on fire.
"Save the corn flakes!
I have to go back inside!
I can't-- I will!"
"Are you son in there?" "No!
I saw yogurt!"
[laughter]
Poor people will eat all they can
no matter if it tastes good or not.
I've stayed
in terrible hotels in the past.
This one time,
I called the reception to ask for a towel
and they said, "It's on the clothesline."
[laughter]
I answered, "Okay, can you hold the dog?"
[laughter]
I went to get the towel and she said,
"Pick it all up, it's gonna rain."
[laughter]
With all the clothespins.
Treating the clean clothes like a corpse.
By the way, nothing messes
with the head of poor people like--
"Is there life after death?"
"Does God exist?"
None of these questions messes
with the mind of a poor person
like, on a cold day, at 6:30 am,
walking up to the clothesline,
touching a shirt and thinking,
"Is it wet or is it cold?"
[laughter]
The guy is rubbing underpants
against his face at 6:30 am.
Feeling if it has a fever.
And he never trusts himself.
"Mom, is it wet or is it cold?"
She shoves it between her tits.
[laughter]
-"It's just cold."
-[laughter]
You put it on and say, "It was wet, Mom!"
Guys, I never skip the hotel's breakfast.
Not even once.
I stay at hotels six times a week.
I always have breakfast,
but I never want to.
God is my witness. Never.
I turn off my phone--
The shows always end late,
people call you, you're all pumped up,
you rub one off-- When I go to bed,
it's past 5 am. Breakfast is until 10 am.
Physiologically, it's better to rest up,
have lunch
and perform well the next night.
So it turn my phone off,
leave the phone off the hook,
hang the "do not disturb" sign,
and think, "Bro, I'm not waking up.
For real.
Fuck it. I won't have breakfast!"
At 9:45, I hear, "Wake up!
[laughter]
Won't you have breakfast?"
[laughter]
"Fuck off!
I'm friends with Juca.
He'll beat the fuck out of you."
"Won't you--" "Who's there?"
"I'm inside.
-Wesley."
-[laughter]
"But I'm not hungry!"
"It's not about hunger.
It's free."
[laughter]
Then...
Then we go.
Poverty is not a plot,
it's the details.
Certain things
bring out the poor within you.
The other day, I went on a date
with one of the hottest girls I ever met.
Who knows why she accepted
to go out with me.
It's actually been a long time,
I'll be honest.
We went out to dinner
and hung out a little bit.
At some point, she said,
"Let's go to your place?"
I was like, "Sure, let's go."
It caught me by surprise.
So, we headed back. It was a cold day,
she went to my bedroom,
I went to the bathroom.
When I got into my bedroom,
the prettiest, hottest girl I had ever met
was lying on my bed.
I sat on my armchair facing her.
She stared at me, I stared at her.
She stared at me
with her beautiful face,
I stared at her with my face.
[laughter]
She stared at me, I stared at her.
And the only thing I could think was,
"Is she going to sleep
with her outside clothes?"
[laughter]
I never thought,
"I'm gonna fuck this hottie."
It was all Wesley saying,
"That's so disrespectful!"
Poor people have this chip implanted
in their brains by their mothers
about clothes. Outside clothes--
There's a hierarchy. Outside clothes,
lesser outside clothes,
church clothes, aunt-visiting clothes,
stay-at-home clothes,
stay-at-home brother clothes,
stay-at-home mom clothes,
and if you're really poor,
your mom will eventually start cutting
your clothes into rags.
You're taking a dump and realize
you're stepping on an old t-shirt.
"I made my First Communion with this--
Hey, Mom, this shirt received the host!"
I still have a separate pile
for outside clothes--
which is way shorter
than the inside clothes pile.
You're like,
"Inside clothes are a bad influence!
[laughter]
If I see you two together,
you're gonna pay for it!"
Some shirts are so overused
that when you look at them,
they're like, "Not again!
Choose another, motherfucker!"
You look for it inside the wardrobe,
they're hiding like, "Shh!"
"Mr. Tank Top,
please don't tell him I'm here!
Don't tell him! I'm so exhausted.
Look at how worn my neck is!
[laughter]
He doesn't take me off,
he thinks I'm a fucking tattoo!
Any idea how my life is like?
From washboard to drying rack,
from drying rack to body,
from body to washboard--
He doesn't even iron me.
'It will de-wrinkle on my body.' I won't!
[laughter]
Don't laugh, Mr. Shorts. You're not used!"
[applause]
You know who must be feeling
really confused?
The sweatpants. Mr. Sweatpants...
must be so confused.
He was always meant to be indoors.
Out of nowhere...
his career shot up.
He became a digital influencer,
goes to nightclubs.
"God, what am I doing here?"
[laughter]
I think clothes chat inside the wardrobe.
"Damn, girl,
you're three months away from retirement."
"I was already passed on to the mother."
"Have you heard about Ms. Jeans?"
"What about her?"
"She turned into shorts."
[laughter]
Anyway, I started undressing
in front of the girl
to encourage her to undress too.
"Look what I do
with my outside clothes. Ha-ha!"
She didn't flinch.
"Alright. Your clothes, your rules."
Put it in the outside pile,
wore some inside clothes just before sex,
washed my dick in the sink--
[laughter]
What? You're acting
like you didn't know we did it.
Fuck you all.
We show up with our shirt all wet--
[laughter]
Come on, ladies.
Ladies,
if right before having sex with you,
the guy doesn't show up with a wet shirt,
make no mistake:
he either didn't wash his dick
or he's very seasoned
and held his shirt up.
[laughter]
That's something
that only life can teach you.
[applause]
Some young fellows
are looking at me like, "No way!"
Oh, fuck you, ladies. Don't tell me
you don't wash your pussies in the sink.
[laughter]
You don't?
Really?
[laughter]
It must be like...
doing laundry in the lake
in the old times.
The pussy must get so startled
with the cold water. "Rosana!"
[laughter]
"Rosa-- Rosana, I'm drowning!
Christ, I may smell like fish,
but I can't swim!"
Anyway...
Soon's I get back from the bathroom--
I wonder what the subtitles girl
will come up with for "soon's".
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
"Soon's"?
That's for you, subtitler.
"Soon's I" is "as soon as I."
[chuckles]
Soon's I open the door
and get into the bedroom,
the prettiest, hottest girl I've ever seen
was lying on my bed in thongs...
and with my outside t-shirt on.
[laughter]
I got into the bedroom like, "Whoa!"
"Ha-ha, like what you see?"
I said, "Ha-ha, of course, I bought it."
[laughter]
"It looks good on me, right?"
-I said, "It looks better off you."
-[laughter]
She was like, "What?"
-I said, "Ha-ha-ha."
-[laughter]
"I'll sleep with it."
I said, "The hell you will."
[laughter]
She said, "What?"
I said,
"Hell, you will feel uncomfortable."
I opened the wardrobe and started
to pick up shirts from the indoors pile
like it was a thrift shop.
"How about this one,
full of holes and super comfy?"
"No." I said, "You won't be able
to say no to this one.
It's so good, from NASA."
"No." I said, "What about this rag
I stole from a hobo?"
She said, "No.
Why? Don't you like this one?"
I said, "I do, it's very nice."
"If you didn't like it,
come and tear it up."
-I got dizzy, sat on the bed.
-[laughter]
She tried to kiss my neck,
I dismissed her advances.
"I'm not feeling it. I don't feel great."
She rubbed her pussy against my arm,
I said, "Will you stop?
[laughter]
Leave me alone."
She tried to grab my dick, I said, "Hey!
No means no. Show some respect."
[laughter]
She said, "You're so strange."
I said, "Not as strange
as sleeping on outside clothes."
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
She said--
She dressed up and said,
"You know what? Fuck you. I'm out."
I said, "Godspeed."
[laughter]
[Thiago laughs]
I think poverty is hereditary.
My mom passed it on to me.
I have an undesired poor person's mindset
thanks to Mom.
Her genes-- It's basic math:
poor dick plus poor cunt
equals poor child.
Poor dick plus rich cunt,
the child may be rich,
because the mother has a lot of weight.
Rich dick plus poor cunt,
then it depends on the dick.
If he says, "I've got to buy cigarettes,"
fuck, then it's a--
Mom has always been so poor.
Today, thank God we're doing well off.
One of the biggest triumphs of my life
is being able to provide for my mother.
I'm so happy about it.
I work hard, and your money
has helped a great deal.
Really, I'm so happy
I managed to give Mom a beach house.
She always dreamed
about having a beach house.
"What wouldn't I give
to have a beach house."
Since I was very little, she would say,
"I love the beach, Afonso,
because I'm an Aquarius."
"You're a Poorius,
that's why you love it."
"I was a fish in my previous life."
"That explains why your memory suck."
"Afonso, one day, your old mother
will be on her beach house
wearing a bikini." I was like--
[laughter]
"I won't go visit you.
Not if you wear a bikini."
"It's my dream--"
She would always say that.
But as her kids started
to drop out of school--
grade seven, grade eight,
and then there's me,
who graduated from high school. Um--
As we got dumber, she gave up on her dream
because she had to work hard
to provide for us.
That's why it was such a big joy
to give her a beach house.
My producer helped me to surprise her.
We went to a beach in Santa Catarina,
saw the worst, cheapest house there was--
that your money could afford--
I got that house and made her a surprise.
I took photos, the property deed,
the keys, everything.
Poor people only consider it theirs
when everything is palpable.
If it doesn't have their name on it,
it just can't be theirs.
So, with everything in hand,
I said, "It's time."
I took all the stuff,
the photos, the keys, the deed,
and put it in a box very carefully.
We're usually not the emotional kind
because Mom didn't have time for that.
And I'd rather have lasagna
than a hug anyway.
Someone buys me a pizza,
I say, "I love you too."
We sat together,
and I tried my hand at being cute.
I took the box, tied a ribbon around it,
handed it to her,
she looked at me
with all her sensibility and said,
"If it's a prank,
I'm going to smash your face in."
[laughter]
Because having a poor mother
is like adopting an abused dog:
it never trusts you entirely.
"What are you doing?
You're up to no good!"
I said, "Open it, Mom."
"If it's a prank--" "Mom, open it."
"What if it's a dick?" I said, "What?"
[laughter]
"It could be a dick."
"Why would I gift you a dildo?"
She said, "I've seen the dildo prank.
The person opens the box
and is hit by a dildo."
I said, "Who are you following
that posts dildo pranks?"
She said, "It's stuff people share.
If it's a dildo,
I'm going to spank you with it.
"What?" "You're going to take that dick!"
-I was like, "Whoa!
-[laughter]
"Stop talking about dick." "Afonso--"
I was like, "Mom, just open it."
She handled it very carefully,
afraid of finding a dildo inside,
and saw that it was a key,
a deed, a picture,
and said, "What's this?"
"It's the beach house you wanted."
That's when Mom started to cry.
The toughest person I've ever met
started to melt in front of me,
crying her eyes out.
And I couldn't believe.
My mom-- Lemon balm tea, we--
My mom would cycle to work
on 27-degree cold days.
You know what that feels like?
You get off the bike but--
look, your butthole stays on the saddle.
Suddenly, the toughest woman I've ever met
was melting in front of me.
I didn't get it.
As she cried and cried, I realized it.
I began to understand.
Imagine fighting to raise three children.
You used to have a dream
that gradually deflated
to give way to other priorities,
and one day your kids
make your dream come true.
By "kids" I mean me.
My brothers did nothing.
Kids, a.k.a. Afonso Padilha.
Afonso made her dream come true.
She was crying out of pride
for having done a good work.
She continues to cry,
I keep staring at her.
That was four years ago,
but I still get goosebumps.
It was so moving
that I'll never forget when she said,
"Is it paid off?"
[laughter]
I was like, "What a fucking dick.
I should have given her a dildo instead."
No, my mom is one of the most
incredible people I've ever met
because she's always been poor--
I was not my fault--
and she always liked to help people.
She's always been so altruistic.
She'd say, "We gotta help.
God will give back two-fold."
And I'd say, "Mom,
poor times poor is twice as poor."
"No, Afonso. Share, and one day
God shall give you back two-fold.
We gotta share."
There's something
that I learned to do with her.
In the first week of December,
Mom would gather all the kids,
Lincoln, Jean and me,
and tell us,
"Pick your worst clothes for donation."
[laughter]
I'd say,
"My worst clothes are all of them!
Close your eyes, reach inside the wardrobe
and pick whatever.
Wanna take this trash? Be my guest.
Just don't give yours away
because no one will wear it."
Then she'd kick my ass,
and I'd do as told but crying.
"Mom, this t-shirt you are seeing--
Is it good or bad? I don't remember."
[laughter]
Allow me to open a parenthesis.
Remember when your mother would spank you
and make you do shit crying?
You'd go sweep the front yard like,
"I don't know why Mom--"
[laughter]
Moms in the house: it doesn't matter
if your kid is in the wrong,
once you spank them,
they're the most wronged person on Earth.
They'll be like, "I did nothing--"
Mumbling in slow motion like, "But I--"
[laughter]
"I was just--"
Remember when Mom would spank us
and make us do the dishes?
You'd sob and mumble like you were talking
to some imaginary friend,
[sobbing] "I was just playing--
[laughter]
I was just playing video game.
[laughter]
Then Mom said,
'Go do the dishes.'
Then I said, 'Wait up, Mom!
Let me beat the final boss.'
Then she said, 'I'm the big boss...
and I'm telling you
to go do
the dishes.'
Then I said, 'But Mom,
just let me save.'
And she said,
'You're no hero to save anything.'
Then I said, 'I mean save the game, Mom.'
And she said, 'Go do the dishes.'
I said, 'Just let me die first.'
She said, 'If you die, I'll kill you.'
[laughter]
I said, 'Mom--' And she said, 'I'm not...
gonna say it...
again.'
Then she came and hit me
with the joystick."
[laughter]
[applause]
I'm actually crying. Sad memories.
Overwhelmingly void of affection.
Remember when you would say,
"I'm going to run away!"
You know? "I didn't ask to be born!"
[laughter]
That's a classic.
"I didn't ask to be born!"
Mom would always have a clapback.
Maybe she was a mother
in her previous life.
It was so impressive. "I'll run away!"
"Take your brothers with you!"
[laughter]
"I didn't ask to be born!"
"I didn't want you to be born as well."
Once I said,
"I...
would like to die."
She promptly answered,
"Do the dishes first then die.
[laughter]
And stop crying or I'll spank you harder."
[laughter]
[sobs]
[laughter]
You'd rewind the crying tape.
My little brother Jean, when Mom said,
"Stop crying or I'll spank you."
He'd glitch the fuck out, "No--"
My big brother would imitate a bike.
I cracked up.
[imitates bike revving]
He'd be like, "Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop--" Mom would say,
"I'll spank the three of you!"
I was like--
[laughter]
Anyway, that was the parenthesis.
Mom would gather the three of us...
and tell us to pick our worst clothes
for donation.
We'd pick it all up, give it to her,
she'd take it, donate it to the church--
she's always been a dedicated Catholic.
She'd also give tithe
to the Evangelical church,
perform voodoo rituals,
and light up candles just in case.
She'd take no chances.
Covered all bases.
But she gave the clothes
to the Catholic church
every year in the first week of December.
By the third week, because of Christmas,
the church would take those clothes
and donate it to poor families.
[laughter]
What a small world we live in, everyone.
In the first week we'd donate it,
two weeks later we'd get it back
all confused.
"Wow, Mom,
it's just like the shirt we donated."
[laughter]
God did give back two-fold,
I got this and one even worse.
There's this one time when Mom--
I thought that--
We all have embarrassing stories
involving our parents
from when we were little.
But I though these would stop
once I grew old.
In December last year...
[laughs]
I took my mom to a resort
in Rio Quente, everyone.
Caldas Novas, Rio Quente.
I took my mom to Hot Park,
a very fancy hotel.
It was her first fancy hotel.
She took a dump in the dark
because she didn't know
what the keycard was for.
[laughter]
I kept my mouth shut
as the cleaning lady said,
"Rose, someone shat on the floor
in room 108 again."
[laughter]
I was like, "Shh!"
She said,
"Afonso, how do you shit in the dark?"
"I'm experienced with hotels, Mom."
"Damn, I shat in the sink this morning."
[laughter]
I went with Mom and Aunt Cida.
Aunty knew how it works.
Mom didn't,
and I forgot to show her around.
Poor people need a basic hotel tutorial.
"To turn on the light, use the keycard.
To take a shower,
you don't turn the handle all the way,
it depends on the season we're in.
"Seasoning? Like a salad?" "No, Mom!"
"No, you gotta balance the amount
of hot and cold water so that...
you have a good shower.
And finally, do you see that thing?"
"The dwarf fridge?" "It's called minibar.
Don't ever get near it.
Not even if they say,
'We have kidnapped your son,
hand out the Cokes in the--'
Don't, Mom. Let them kill me.
Don't get near the minibar.
One chocolate milk will cost us our car."
I forgot to give Mom this walkthrough.
I went with her and Aunt Cida.
I was on room 101,
Mom was on room 108, I think,
and Aunt Cida was on room--
Fuck her, she doesn't matter.
She was there but played no part,
just like Dad. So--
She exists but didn't participate.
So, each one had their room.
I was in my room for half an hour.
The hotel was great.
Suddenly I hear an "Ouch!"
[laughter]
I got spooked. "Ou-ou-ouch!"
I asked the reception to call room 108.
They called, Mom answered.
"Mom, are you okay?"
She said, "Did you see
how much a bottle of water costs?"
[panting]
I said, "Is it expensive?"
"It's half of our water bill."
[laughter]
"That expensive?"
"You can wash the driveway
for three weeks with this bottle."
"Don't be exaggerated." "I'm not."
"You can drink it."
"I can't pull money out of my ass."
I said, "Mom, don't be silly.
You know I'm working.
You did so much for us, you deserve it.
The least I can do
is provide you with some comfort."
She said, "Did you see
how much a bottle of water costs?"
[laughter]
"I don't care, I'll pay it."
"Are you a drug dealer?"
I was like, "What?"
"I won't drink it.
My organism might reject it and I'll die."
"So drink from the tap."
"I'm not that nasty."
"So you're gonna be thirsty?"
"Let's go to the convenience store."
She made us go to the convenience store.
[laughter]
We were in a hot spring resort
that God heated for us.
"Sure, let's go. When we're back,
God will have cooled down the water
out of anger."
"Let's go, I'm thirsty."
You know where the nearest
convenience store we found was?
Across the state.
[laughter]
We had to go back and check out first.
[laughter]
When we found it...
We went in, Mom grabbed water,
cookies, some Tupperware--
I still don't know why.
"You're buying Tupperwares?"
She said, "Márcia doesn't give mine back."
[laughter]
Every poor person
has a friend called Márcia.
-If you don't, you are Márcia.
-[laughter]
Then Mom said,
"Shut up, I'll take it."
We headed to checkout.
I got all happy,
"We're finally going back."
She started staring at the ground coffees.
"What are you doing?"
"Looking for some instant coffee.
You know I have headaches
if I don't drink coffee."
I said, "Hey, Ms. Scrooge...
[laughter]
We're in a resort hotel.
You can have coffee all day."
"I don't like to bother."
I said, "It's a hotel, goddammit."
[laughter]
It's a hotel, Mom,
it exists so that you don't have
to be bothered yourself."
"I didn't raise you
to treat others like that!"
[laughter]
She doesn't like to bother so much,
that the maid was cleaning up,
she said, "Girl, you don't have to!
[laughter]
You can--
Leave that sheet right there, girl!"
The maid was taking the wet towels--
"Don't, I'll just hang it to dry!"
"Mom--" She said, "I'm taking it!"
"You'll bother them worse
by asking for hot water.
They probably have hot coffee
ready to be served."
She said,
"I won't ask nothing from nobody."
"You're making it with cold water?"
"No, I'll heat water in the micro-wave."
I said, "Did you bring
a microwave from home?"
She said, "Of course not.
There's one in the room."
-"Why do you have one, and I don't?"
-[laughter]
"Because I'm your mother!" And just left.
Like it was a great comeback.
Dropped the mic and left.
I went after her, "Mom, just ask for it."
"No, I'll take instant coffee."
I said, "No!"
"I'm taking it!" "But there's no need to!
Mom, you won't take it."
Next thing I know,
we're heading back with coffee.
I was pissed that I gave in.
"Why, Mom?" "I want to."
"Mom, there's no need--"
We kept bickering.
We got back and went to our rooms.
Aunt Cida-- Fuck her, nobody cares.
[laughter]
I was so pissed with Mom,
but I physically can't get to curse her,
you know?
I was like, "That f-- old lady!"
[laughter]
This vein here pops up.
"I'm gonna have a stroke
because of that old cu--
F-- that old frigging b--"
Half an hour later, I'm still,
"F-- that old c--"
Forty minutes later, I'm like,
"Let me go have coffee with her."
[laughter]
It's my mother, dammit. So what?
I knocked on the door, "Mom?"
She said,
"Want some coffee, son of a bitch?"
[laughter]
"How do you know?"
"You got out of my cunt."
[retches]
[laughter]
Too much info.
She said, "Shut up and fix us coffee."
I grabbed the instant coffee like,
"F-- old wh--
That darn stupid b--
Looking for the microwave
while Mom was like--
[laughter]
And I'm like, "Damn old c--
Son of a b--"
[laughter]
She said, "Are you high, Afonso?"
I was like, "What?"
"Hanging out too much
with Thiago Ventura, right?"
[laughter]
"I'm just looking for the microwave
to make us coffee."
"Open the door, you idiot."
I opened it. "There," she said.
I looked at it...
looked back at her
to see if she was fucking with me.
[laughter]
"This?" She said,
"If it was a snake, it would've bit you."
[laughter]
I said, "If it was a microwave...
it would've bit me too, but it's a safe."
[laughter]
Can you imagine? My mom...
mistook a safe for a microwave.
She was this close
to locking up a box of instant coffee.
[laughter]
She almost locked it,
and she would have typed in "130"--
not 1:30, because it's a safe--
and she would just wait.
Five minutes later,
she'd have thought she had broken it.
But she wouldn't say nothing,
'cause if the water is expensive,
imagine that little microwave.
She would tell me on our way back home.
"I broke the hotel's little microwave.
[laughter]
I didn't tell them.
I won't sell my beach house
to pay them, Afonso."
Do you realize what happened?
Imagine if I had complained
to the front desk,
"How come Mom has a microwave
and I don't?"
[laughter]
You know? Luckily, I didn't.
But I had a fit of laughter, everyone.
'Cause Mom-- And when I crack up,
I don't know about your mothers,
but the more Mom tells me to stop,
the more I laugh.
"Oh my God!"
"Stop laughing,
I'm going to give you a spanking."
"You're gonna hit me
with the microwave?" "Stop it!
Stop it, Afonso. Stop laughing."
And I'm like,
"God, you mistook it-- You--"
"Stop laughing!" And I crack up even more
every time she tells me to stop.
"But what's the point
of having a safe in the room?"
"To store expensive stuff."
"Oh, let me grab the water."
[laughter]
Who can blame her?
Three days later, we were leaving.
I had already checked out, Mom hadn't.
"Want help?" "I can handle it myself."
She went to the front desk,
gave them her keycard.
"Have you consumed anything, ma'am?"
"No fucking way," she answered.
[laughter]
"Not even a bottle of water?"
"Only if I pulled money out of my ass."
"Not even a chocolate?"
"Hell no, it'd make me thirsty."
That's her being smart.
"It'd make me thirsty."
"Nothing? Alright then." Mom said, "Nope."
The guy picked up the radio,
"Consumption check, room 108."
My mom got possessed.
"Are you calling me a liar, sir?
[laughter]
Are you doubting me?
I'm poor but I'm honest.
I never stole nothing, just so you know."
Poor people say "just so you know."
"Just so you know...
I never stole anything.
Are you doubting me?"
I saw her and headed out.
"I'm too old
for this kind of embarrassment."
She kept screaming,
"I never stole anything,
I've worked for rich people,
I've been through a lot,
I cleaned the house of a politician
who made a fortune,
I never stole.
My kids had no mixture, no milk,
drank lemon balm tea,
and I never stole--
My boys are all grown up,
never messed with drugs.
Two of them smoke pot,
but I have nothing to do with it.
[laughter]
They're straight-up boys, I never stole--"
The guy was getting uncomfortable,
Mom wouldn't stop screaming,
Aunt Cida was somewhere nobody cares,
Mom kept freaking out--
The guy said, "It's standard procedure."
"Slender creature my ass!"
He said, "Ma'am, calm down.
I'm just asking--"
"You're doubting me!"
"No! I ask because the mini fridge
is a courtesy to Padilha's family."
[audience awws]
She reacted
exactly like you poor motherfuckers.
Exactly. As soon as he said it,
she was like, "Aww."
The front desk guy say, "Well, yeah."
Mom said,
"Lend me the keycard,
I think I forgot something."
[laughter]
Everyone, thank you so much.
My name is Afonso Padilha.
It was so, so great
to be here with you today.
Thank you so much for coming.
I can't say how happy I am.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks a lot.
[audience cheering]
[chorinho music plays]
[cheering continues]
Subtitle translation by Othelo Sabbag