Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall (1973) - full transcript
London, 1940. Aspiring jazz musician and future comedy legend Terence "Spike" Milligan reluctantly obeys his call-up and joins the Royal Artillery regiment at Bexhill, where he begins training to take part in the War. But along the way Spike and his friends get involved in many amusing - and some not-so amusing - scrapes. Based on the first volume of Milligan's war memoirs.
[SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[IMITATING TRUMPET]
Good news, Kitty.
December the 3rd,
I'm due for a fresh sock
and a quarter of Spam.
It's good.
It's a good book, this.
[CHUCKLES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO]
MAN ON RADIO: This is London.
Here is a special announcement.
Unconfirmed reports are coming in
that German
troops are carrying out
large-scale maneuvers...
Ah, it's you, son.
Dad.
The prime minister,
Mr. Chamberlain, and...
Neville Chamberlain's a fool!
The man
should step down
for a better man.
Why don't you write
in for the job, Dad?
I have.
This moment
I'm waiting for my
dear king to write to me
to ask me to form
a new government.
Hey, son, another of these
"OHMS" letters arrived
for you.
Ohm!
OHMS?
Actually,
that's just another
cunningly worded invitation
for me to partake in World War II.
Just fancy,
of all the people in
England, they've chosen you.
Oh, it's a great honor, son.
You'll have to open one, son.
I mean, we're
running out of disguises.
Dad, there will
never be another war.
Yes, there will. Never! Never!
Yes, there will.
We need them. Now listen, son.
Don't you work too late tonight.
And don't blow too hard.
It's
not good for the heart
and it can cause hernia.
Good night, Mum.
Night, Dad.
Night, son.
It's a good title for a song.
Good night, Mum,
good night, Dad.
And Auntie.
Depends upon how big
the family is, I suppose.
Just in time, Harry. In time for what?
In time for me to
open the door for you.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]Very funny.
I knew you'd like it. Is that Dad in there?
No, that's your granny
doing impressions.
Good night to you, too. And good night to you, too.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL CHATTERING]
We've got them buckling
at the knees, lads.
I've counted
one immaculate
conception so far.
Let's give them something
that'll really get them
at it, eh?
Number 69.
We hope you are
enjoying your evening
with the Harlem Club Band.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've
all been waiting for.
Everybody on
the floor, please,
for the Paul Jones!
[MAN WHOOPING]
Ready? You start first,
I'll catch up.
A one, two...
[MUSIC STARTS]
Excuse me, please.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Excuse me.
Stop playing.
Stop the music.
Music?
That's gonna
cost him extra.
Quiet, quiet, please.
Please,
ladies and gentlemen,
can I have your attention?
I have an announcement to make.
We've received information
through the wireless
that German troops have
crossed the Polish frontier.
Is that all? Right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
take your partners...
Now, wait a minute.
I haven't finished yet.
Ladies and gentlemen,
take your partners for
the manager's announcement.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
An ultimatum has been sent
to the German government
by Mr. Chamberlain.
That's the bloke that does
prime minister impressions.
Heavy fighting has
broken out on all fronts.
[ALL MURMURING]
Unless the
German troops are withdrawn
before the ultimatum expires,
we will be at war with Germany.
I love the "we" bit.
Ladies and gentlemen,
take your partners
for the Second World War.
Ladies and gentlemen,
in view of the world
situation,
will you stand for the king?
Where? Where?
# God save our gracious King
# Long live our noble King
# God save the King
# Send him victorious
# Happy and glorious
# Long to reign over us
[AIR-RAID SIREN WAILING]
[MACHINE GUN FIRE]
[MAN IMITATING TRUMPET]
MAN 2: Next!
[MEN MURMURING]
Next!
Give over, will you, mate?
It's all right, my friends,
we're all invited.
MAN 2: Yes, and
you follow on. Next!
You tell them
your name's Phyllis,
you'll be out in an hour.
You, next. Come on.Morning.
Bend.
[WHOOSH]
[MAN YELPS]
I've heard about people like you.
Next.
MAN 3: Say "aah" and
raise your right leg.
[YELPS]
Move along.
Well, let go first.
Come along. You, next.
MAN 4: Fill this. Mmm? Ah.
I can't.
Well, turn on the tap.
Now try.
MAN 2: One more.
[WATER RUNNING]
That's better. Yes.
That's enough.
I said that's enough!
Damn it, me trousers!
I'm sorry, sir.
MAN 5: Bend down.
But I've just done that... Bend down.
MAN 2: Right and the next.
No...
MAN 5: Have you
ever had varicose veins,
flat feet, piles or asthma?
[GULPS] Why?
Are you giving them away?
Move along.
Oh!
MAN 2: Next! Yes, you.
[GAGS]
[GASPS]
MAN 6: Lie down.
Lie down.
Next!
[GIGGLING]
[EXCLAIMS]
Cough.
[YELPS]
Next!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
[TRUCK HORN BLARING]
[WOLF WHISTLES]
[WOLF WHISTLES]
[MAKES BIRD CALLS]
You!
Yes, you!
What's your name?
Terence Alan Milligan.
Well,
Terence Alan Milligan,
put that cigarette out.
Not on my parade ground!
Milligan, eh?
We've been waiting for you.
Have you?
We've postponed the fighting,
you know.
Got a nice little treat
in store for you, Milligan.
You're gonna be
a lovely gunner,
aren't you?
You're gonna be a credit to
your regiment, aren't you, eh?
Follow me!
Come on, come on. Come on! Come on!
Don't you take
the mickey out
of me, son,
or you'll get
my boot up your jacksie.
Get in that bloody office!
Go on, get in there!
Oh, excuse me, sir.
A list of the new
intakes.
Thank you.
Oh, and this, sir.
Ah.
You've anymore mickey-taking,
I'll have your guts for
garters, all right?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
Left, right, left,
right, left, right,
halt!
This is gunner
Terence Alan Milligan, sir.
Yes. Milligan.
We expected you some time ago.
You're a trifle late for
the kickoff, aren't you?
Sir?
You do know
that you're three
months late in arriving?
Oh,
I'll make up for it, sir.
I'll fight nights as well.
Silence!
Why is he still
in civilian clothes?
They wouldn't
let me on the
train naked.
Silence!
I mean, Milligan,
why aren't you in uniform?
Because I'm not at
war with anybody, sir.
They really should arrest
these recruiting officers.
Milligan,
we have to try to
turn you into a soldier.
Yes, sir.
That imposes a very
heavy burden on us.
Would it be better if
I went back home, sir?
You're in for the duration,
and it starts now.
Silence! I didn't say anything!
Beg your pardon, sir.
See that he's taken
care of, Sergeant.
Sir!
Come on!
Get them shoulders back!
Left, right, left,
right, left, right!
And take that bloody
smile off your face!
Attention!
What's this, then?
What's this?
Feeling mutinous, are we?
Squad, attention!
Now,
this morning we begin
to attempt the impossible.
We're gonna turn
you lot into soldiers.
Right.
Answer when
I call your names.
Neal.Here.
Edwards.Here.
Watkins. What?
Are you here? Yes, Sarge, I'm right here.
Burne.Sir.
Anderson.Here.
Neville. Here, Sarge.
Bliss. Well, I...
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yes, lad?
What's the matter?
We have a problem?
I shouldn't be in
the army, really.
No, no, no. Well,
there's a lot of
it about.
What's the trouble?
Well, it's...
I've got flat feet.
Yes, well, I'm gonna
make them flatter for you.
Round the perimeter 50 times.
At the double!
Perimeter?
Round here, lad, the perimeter!
Well, get on with it. I'm going. I'm going.
Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right.
Get moving!
[MEN LAUGHING]
All right, settle down, you lads.
Sutton. Here, Sergeant.
Waters.Here.
Milligan.
Why don't you answer
your name, Milligan?
I just wanted to
bring a little tension
into your life, Sergeant.
[MEN LAUGHING]
50 times round the perimeter,
at the double.
Oh, no.
Can't we talk this over?
And you're on fatigues
tomorrow morning.
As two reasonable people... And...
And now, folks,
the great Milligan marathon!
Jump to it!
[EXCLAIMING]
Left, right, left, right!
Left, right, left!
Stop clarting about!
Stop messing about there, man!
Right! Get them up!
One, two, three, four!
Right. Get ready!
Squad, halt!
Now, come on, close up, close up.
Squad, right turn!
Stand at ease!
Stand easy.
Squad, attention!
You may swear,
plot,
conspire,
rebel,
commit suicide,
joke.
But get this straight,
you horrible pimples.
If Jerry doesn't get you,
then I bleeding will.
Now, you can go
and get your uniforms.
Wait for it!
Squad, dismissed!
[ALL CHATTERING]
Yeah, the rustics.
You remember that.
In the year 1940 A.D.,
Gunner Terence Alan Milligan
invaded the British army.
Armies fled in terror
when Milligan unleashed
his diabolical secret weapon,
the standard British battle dress.
Now,
note the extra-long
sleeves for dipping in soup.
Note the extra-wide collars.
This lets in the wind,
snow, and more soup.
Soup and wind gets up here,
and the folds
in the trousers are
for collecting more soup,
thereby making Milligan
the indisputable soup plan.
[BLOWS TUNELESSLY ON TRUMPET]
Leave off!
They reek!
They smell of cow dung.
That's the bulletproofing
you smell.
Yeah, bulletproofing, my tits.
I know cow dung when I smell it.
Put it on, William.
I think you'll look
absolutely... Very good.
Knock it off!
Go on, feel it.
It's as rough as old iron.
You're right.
They're not fit
for human habitation.
[PLAYS FAST TUNE]
Hey,
you can really
play that thing.
What experience have you had?
Well,
there was Irma at 16,
Carol and Norma at 18,
but after that it gets a bit...
What he means is
are you interested in
joining a small group?
Certainly,
if you think
I'm small enough.
Great. I'm the manager.
I'm delighted.
Don't do that,
you're making
my eyes water.
All right, sir?
Sergeant? It's time to inspect
the new lot, sir.
Yes. Yes, of course.
Lead on, Sergeant.
What's the matter
with you, Heavenly?
Crushing your cobblers, are they?
It's me feet.
I keep telling them
I've got flat feet,
but they won't listen.
Flat feet? Give over!
It's true.
I've got the papers.
I've got hereditary flat feet.
Don't you worry, Heavenly.
You need flat feet.
It's a flat world.
The MO says you're okay.
Yeah, well,
I've got flat feet.
We've all got flat feet.
No, my condition
is a medical fact.
Hey, look, he doesn't believe me.
A tenner says that I have
got flat feet. All right?
All right. Well, you'll have
to prove it, Spike.
I've thought of that.
What about a flat foot print?
Will that do? I don't know what you mean.
Show him. Yeah, go on, Spike.
All right.
Would you get me a piece
of cardboard, please, Bill?
Anything for a mate, Spike.
May I borrow your Brylcreem,
please?
Certainly, Spike.
What's the cardboard for?
Look, you asked for proof.
Now, please, pay attention.
All right.
Attention.
Yes, all right.
Are you watching,
Heavenly? I'm watching.
Look.
Is the bet still on?
Yeah.Shake.
Sorry about that.
Right, now watch.
Is that or is that
not a flat footprint?
Of course it is. Flat as a pancake.
Definitely flat.
It's flat because of
your weight, isn't it?
All right,
then we'll do
it another way.
Stand back, lads.
Oh, could you get me your pillow?
Same as usual,
sir, I'm afraid.Yeah.
There's one who's
a bit of a troublemaker.
Milligan, sir. There's always one.
Now,
smear both me soles
with that stuff, Bill.
Certainly.
Lovely.
Is the bet still on, Heavenly?
Yes.Shake. Sorry about that.
Now put
the cardboard
on the top. Lovely.
You're a very
difficult man to
convince, Heavenly.
Now press down. Hard.
Attention.
Attention!
Milligan,
if it's not too much trouble,
care to explain?
I'm just practicing, sir.
Practicing? Yes, sir.
In case we're all
sent to Australia, sir.
[MEN LAUGHING]
Are you now?
Did you hear that, Sergeant? Yes, sir.
On your feet, twit.
You're speaking to
an officer.
There's something not quite
right about this man,
sir.
Why aren't you in uniform?
Uniform, Sergeant?
They're dangerous.
Dangerous? Why?
Well, Germans shoot at them, sir.
[MEN LAUGHING]
I think he's all right, Sergeant.
Just has a healthy
fear of being shot at.
Well,
we'll have to
put you somewhere
where they can't
find you, won't we?
Thank you, sir.
Cookhouse fatigue,
0600 hours in the morning.
Yes, sir. Right, carry on.
Carry on, men.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[BUGLE PLAYING]
[BUBBLING]
Bye, darling.
Morning, sir.Morning.
You're up early.
[MAJOR MUTTERS]
[SNORES]
[LOUD TANGO MUSIC PLAYING]
Who did that? It's me, sir. Milligan, sir.
[MAJOR SIGHS]
What are you standing
there for, Milligan?
Well, everybody has
to be somewhere, sir.
What the blazes are you wearing?
Oh, it's the latest
craze, sir. Uniforms.
You look as if you've shrunk.
It's the army life, sir.
It gives me that
shrinking feeling.
That'll be all, Milligan. Yes, sir.
Milligan. Sir?
You salute the king's uniform.
Not pajamas.
Might be better
to salute it when it
has an officer inside.
[ALL SINGING]
All right, out you get!
Get out, you lads.
Come on. Get out.
Come on, hurry it up.
Get on with it.
MAN: Oh, leave off.
[ALL COUGHING]
That's it, lads.
Go on, cough it up.
It might be a gold watch.
Where are we, Sarge? That's a good question, Neal.
You're probably wondering
why I brought you out here
this morning.
You're a nature lover, Sarge.
Not your nature, Milligan.
Full of honest concern
for your physical wellbeing,
me and the OC have decided
that there's gonna be no
PT this morning.
[ALL CHEERING]
He's human, after all!
Heart of gold.
Yes. Instead you'll
all be pleased to hear
we've decided
you need something
a bit more strenuous.
[ALL GROANING]
Now,
for starters, we've decided
to send you on a little run.
A five-mile run.
What? Five bleeding miles?
What about my feet?
Right. Off you go.
Come on, get on with it.
All right, you lot,
get on with it!
Move, Milligan!
Come on, hup, two, three!
Pick those legs up.
You've got five
miles to go, you know.
Go on, get on with it!
# Once in a while
you've a feeling that
somebody hates you
# Run for a mile,
get a feeling for
old Mother Nature
# But looking on the sunny side
# At least I think I might survive
# Better men than me have died
# All to keep the war alive
# It's gonna be a good, good war
# It's gonna last a month or more
# Lots of lovely things in store
# For you and me
# And when the fighting's done
Only another four
and a half miles to go!
# It's gonna be
such good clean fun
# Wait and see
# Once in a while
you can smile at the
stories they told you
# Write to your mum,
tell her isn't it
fun playing soldiers
# And though he
makes the odd remark
# Sergeant says I look the part
# There's nothing
to this army lark
# But I wonder when
the real thing starts
# It's gonna be a good, good war
# It's gonna last a month or more
# Lots of lovely things in store
# For you and me
# And when the fighting's done
# At least I'll
know that I could run
# It's gonna be
such good clean fun
# Wait and see
# La-la-la-la-la-da-da
# Da-da-da-da-la-da-da
# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
[PANTING]
[EXCLAIMS]
Milligan!
I think
I hear them
coming now, sir.
Really?
MAN:
We've got a bit to go yet.
[MAJOR CHUCKLES]
Keep it up, Edwards.
Doing very well.
Well done, chaps.Excellent.
Keep it up.
Ah. Jolly good.
There is another one, sir.
Oh? Who's that?
Milligan, sir.
Ah.
Milligan.
[TRUCK HORN HONKING]
Hold it.
Hold it!
Sir! Baggage off!
Just a minute.
For a weakling, this man's
got quite a lot of backbone.
Make good use
of it, Sergeant. Sir!
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Halt. Who goes there?
MAN: Adolf bloody Hitler.
Pass, friend.
How much is three pints of bitter?
Never mind that.
We got a gig, lads.
Where and when?
The local vicar,
at his fundraising social.
Here's to that.
Hey, can I sing, Bill?
How many songs do you know? Three.
Come back when you know six.
Hey, listen.
We are gonna be
paid, aren't we?
Yeah, of course we are.
We're not in it for
bleeding charity, mate.
I told him that and all.
Good evening, all.
I'm investigating
a crime against music.
We got a gig, Spike.
Yeah. How much?
Leave that to me.
I'm the manager, ain't I?
Well, in that case,
you can manage another beer.
# There were four and twenty
virgins down from Inverness
# And when the ball was over
there were four and twenty
less #
Let's turn it off, you lot!
All right, who said that?
Stand up and step outside.
It's like Paddington Station
in here.
Can't a man get no privacy?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Who said that?
Him.
Why don't you lot
push off back to
your own hut
and let a hero get some kip?
Hey, lads,
lads, lads, come here.
Do you wanna see something?
What? Now, what you got?
Hey, sure, come on,
give the lad a chance.
Listen.
Now, I want no lights.
No lights, please.
Give that man no lights, please.
Don't do that,
I've got a full house!
Will you shut up
and give him a break?
All right, torches, please.
Will you bring some
torches over here?
All right. Hurry up now.
I'd like to start the show...
Will you shine that
torch just down there?
That's it.
Now, I'd like to kick off
with a parade of army life.
[ALL HUM]
Turn your minds to that lovely
and beautiful thing,
the army breakfast.
You know what I mean, lads?
You go in to the canteen,
up to the cook, and what
do you get?
Sausage on a plate.
[IMITATING TRUMPET]
# Sausage on a plate!
Now. Now. Note the contrast
with a boiled-potato effect.
Now, moving on, moving on,
here are some
familiar objects,
for your pleasure.
# Pleasure!
We're passing
the quartermaster's store.
And there's a squaddie on jankers.
And what is he doing?
He's carrying something.
And what is he carrying?
A sack of flour.
# Sack of flour!
[ALL CHEERING]
Thank you, thank you.
And now, please,
settle down.
I would like to do
for you an impression.
My impression of Groucho Marx.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
# There were four and twenty
virgins came down from
Inverness
# And when the ball was over
there were four and twenty
less
# Diddly-aye, diddly-aye
Backs against the wall #
[SINGING DIES OUT]
New orders for tomorrow.
Good evening.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Come on, come on.
Get in the second lane.
Get in the second...
You've been in first
for half an hour.
Get the bloody thing in.
Sort them all out.
And get that
foot off the...
That's it. Right.
Come on, come on.
All right, all right.
Not so fast.
All right,
take it easy, take it...
You're not on a bloody racetrack.
Right, Sarge?
Brake!
Get your foot
on the brake!
Brake?
Get your foot on the ruddy brake!
[SOLDIERS SHOUTING]
All right, settle down.
Well, son,
you've found
your true vocation.
You're a natural-born killer.
[SOLDIERS LAUGHING]
Stop laughing!
You lot have got
about as much chance
of learning to drive
as I have of becoming
the prime minister.
But the army says
you've got to drive,
so drive you bleeding well will.
Got the message?
MEN: Yes, Sarge.
Right.
Now, then,
this vehicle should
be like a human being
and must be treated like one.
For a start,
it must be fed
the right ingredients.
These are petrol, oil and water.
That's what we had
for breakfast, Sarge.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Each one has its
own hole for pouring.
And if we put
the wrong thing
into the wrong hole,
just as if I put my boot
in your hole, Milligan,
it ceases to function.
There's no need
for blasphemy, Sarge.
I hope you know a few hymns.
Because you're next.
Leave it to me, Sarge.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[GEARS GRINDING]
[HONKS]
Put that hooter back!
Milligan! For God's sake,
put your right out.
Get back on the...
Milligan.
Milligan.
It's all right, Sarge.
The gearbox is a bit wonky.
Milligan,
there's something
you ought to know.
[SERGEANT SCREAMS]
[CRASH]
[BOTH GRUNT]
[MOOS]
[PANTING]
[PLANE APPROACHING]
[STUTTERING] Oh,
I say, look, a Jerry...
Plane.Yes.
Look!
There's another one.
Oh, that's one of ours!
Come on, son!
Take the Jerry!
Hey, Sarge, he's got him!
Cut it out, will you, bastard?
My God.
He's coming down.
It's coming up behind us, Sarge.
[CRASH]
All right, come on, break it up.
You'll soon get used to
the sight of dead meat.
Is it going to explode, Sarge?
I hope not.
Right, men, I want you to
strip it of everything usable.
Come on.
Who says we're to strip it, Sarge?
I do.
And hurry up about it.
The recovery mob
will be here soon.
What about them? Everything usable.
Move it, Milligan.
There's a war on,
you know.
Yeah. Yeah,
you're right, Sarge.
I forgot.
[INAUDIBLE]
Don't play
about with that.
Hey, put it away.
All right.
I'll take that.
Can we go now, Sarge?
Yes. All right, that's it.
You wait for
the recovery boys
to arrive, right?
The rest of you get in the truck!
You're asking me to
stay alone with them?
I'm not asking you, Bliss,
I'm ordering you.
Now, Bliss. What?
If anybody asks,
nobody took nothing, right?
I suppose so.
Right? Right.
MAN: Get something, mate?
All right, you men, hurry it up.
Come on. Get your
arse up into that
truck.
[ALL CLAMORING]
All the best.
See you, Heavenly!
Don't leave me here all night!
[ALL CLAMORING]
[COUGHING]
Heavenly!
Jesus wept!
Is that him?
Of course it's him,
you stupid bleeder.
Get a blanket! Go on!
Oh, no.
[BUGLE PLAYING]
[SOLDIER ISSUING ORDER]
SOLDIER: Fire!
[GUN SHOT]
[SOLDIER ISSUING ORDER]
Fire!
[GUN SHOT]
[SOLDIER ISSUING ORDER]
Fire!
[GUN SHOT]
...55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60.
[INAUDIBLE]
Not a bad little band.
Of course,
they'd be nothing without me.
They're very lucky.
Too true.
I gave them their
first break, you know.
Hey, Bill, is it me?
Am I on yet?
See that?
They all want
to know me now.
Will you see us home after?
See what I mean?
[SINGING TUNELESSLY]
# Good night, sweetheart
# All my prayers are for you
# Good night, sweetheart
# I'll be watching...
Can I have a word with you, Spike?
Sure. What sort of
word would you like?
"Bed."
That's a good
word for tonight.
Spike, stop it. Stop it?
I haven't even
started yet, have I?
Well,
what time are
we meeting tonight?
Yeah, well, hang about
till it's finished,
all right?
# Good night, sweetheart...
I say,
Milligan, can you
play Amber Rose Forever?
No, sir,
I get tired
after half an hour.
# ...till we meet and banish
# Dreams enfold you
In them, dear, I'll hold you
# Good night, sweetheart,
good night #
[ALL APPLAUDING]
SERGEANT: Attention!
Ready when you are, sir. Thank you, Sergeant.
Now, I want five
shells in the sandpit.
We've got no shells, sir.
What do you mean,
you've got no shell?
This gun's not been fired
since the First World War,
sir.
They don't
make shells for
it anymore, sir.
Very well.
We'll have to continue
with the wooden ones.
Carry on, please, Sergeant.Sir.
Beg pardon, sir.
All right, men,
as you were!
Prepare to load.
Nice and rhythmic, now.
One. Two.
Three. Four.
Five. Six. Load.
In! Closed. Locked.
Fire! Pull.
ALL: Bang! Prepare to load.
One. Two.
Three. Four.
Five. Six. Load.
In! Closed. Locked.
Fire! Pull.
ALL: Bang! Prepare to load.
One. Two.
Three. Four.
Five. Six. Load.
Excuse me, sir.
We've found one shell, sir.
It was in the war museum, sir.
There, you see?
I knew it.
Where is it now?
We've made a formal
application for its
use, sir.
It's being sent down
under escort, sir.
Good. Good.
Now,
prepare the target
for 1500 hours today.
And warn the locals
that the bang they hear
will be one of ours.
Right, sir.
SERGEANT: Red Leader,
Red Leader, this is Seagull.
We are in position.
Ready when you are.
Over.
They're in position, sir.Good. Good. Good.
Right. Fire it now.
What, now, sir?
Yes, now. Fire it.
It's not working, sir.
Shall we just shout
"bang"?
[MUFFLED THUD]
Red Leader,
Red Leader,
this is Seagull.
Have to report
Flying Fish is negative.
Repeat, negative.
It's a bleeding dud!
Well, what happened?
It's a dud.
A dud?
Right. Now, it's
not a bloody bed,
keep doing it.
Get them up in the air.
Are you gonna punch that,
or I'll punch you?
Don't be a bloody fool!
Ought to be 1:00, all right?
Move them round more.
Right, keep this moving, lads.
Come on.
One... Keep it going.
One after the other.
Come on. Next man.
That's the stuff.
All right.
Now, line up.
Now, this time, men,
this time, I'd like...
Attention!
Just want a word
with them, Sergeant.
All right, stand easy.
Now, our neighbors,
the Second Highlanders,
have challenged us to contest
the middleweight division
in their annual boxing tournament.
Now, the 56th Heavy
Artillery is not one
to back down on a challenge,
is it?
ALL: No, sir. No.
I had in mind someone rather tall
for the weight, athletic prowess,
plenty of scientific skill,
great courage.
So we shall need a volunteer,
shan't we?
[COUGHS]
Yes? Dodgy lung, sir.
I said we needed a volunteer.
Come along, now, men,
surely I don't have
to choose a volunteer?
[EXCLAIMS]
Ah.
Changed your mind, Neal?
Good man.
I'm sure he won't
let us down, will you, Neal?
Sir. Right, that's settled then.
And Milligan and Watkins
can be your training partners.
All right, carry on with
the good work, Sergeant.
Sir! Attention!
Right, you lot, back to work.
[SPIKE SNICKERING]
[ALL CLAMORING]
[SIREN WAILING]
[SOLDIER SHOUTING]
All right, you lot,
get your gear on!
Put that cigarette out.
Get out of bed.
Get the gas mask on.
Milligan! Gas mask!
[ALL CLAMORING]
Come on,
get out of here, all of you!
[HEAVY BREATHING]
[INAUDIBLE]
[ALL CLAMORING]
[SERGEANT
BARKING MUFFLED ORDERS]
Answer when I call your names,
all right?
You hear what I said?
When I call your names,
answer loud.
[SOLDIERS MURMURING]
Neville?
Neville?
Come on, come on, where's Neville?
Neville!
Yes, sir.
More like it. Neal?
Neal? Yeah.
All right. Black. I'm in here.
Black! Yes, Sergeant.
Sorry, Sergeant...
Tell the men to take their...
Tell the men to take
their masks off, Sergeant.
We'll be here all bloody night.
Get your masks off!
Masks off!
Right. Now, then.
Shall I start the
roll again, sir?
What? Yes, I suppose so.
What do you think, Goldie? Do what you think, Sergeant.
Sir. Neville.Sarge.
Neal.Sarge.
Burne. Yes, sir.
Watkins.Sarge.
Attention!
[SIREN WAILING]
Bad luck.
Dismiss the
parade, Sergeant.
Sir! Squad!
Squad dismissed!
Right, go and get some kip, lads.
[ALL GRUMBLING]
I've never seen so
many bombers before.
Neither have I.
I wonder where they're heading.
London.
Do you think so, Bill?
Where else?
We're lucky it isn't us.
That's a fact.
Don't you worry, mate.
You won't cop it.
Those civilians will
fight your war for you.
Forget it, Spike.
LARRY:
I didn't mean it
like that, Spike.
PONGO: Jesus.
Just look at that sky.
SPIKE: Look at that.
I feel so bloody helpless.
BILL: Don't worry, mate.
London's well defended.
LARRY: Our folks,
they should be all right,
though, shouldn't they?
PONGO: Yeah.
They've got shelters.
BILL: Yeah.
They should be okay.
LARRY: Yeah.
It's all that
ack-ack, innit?
Keeps the bombers up high.
Affects their aim.
Isn't that right, Spike?
What? Oh, yes.
Yes, I suppose so.
[SOLDIERS CHATTERING]
What, sir?
What?
Waters' family's
caught it in the raids.
What, all of them?
Yeah.
House, family, the lot.
Jesus wept.
He's just been told.
Do what you can for him, lads.
Sure.
Yeah. Right.
Poor sod.
I wouldn't do that, mate.
It's not loaded.
God, Larry, that's terrible.
Yeah, you'll be all right.
Larry?
[WHIMPERS]
I'd better go after him. You leave him be, mate.
[ALL CHEERING]
MAN: What a load of rubbish!
[ALL CHEERING]
Now, get him on the ropes,
son, and he's yours.
His blind spot.
Do you know what I mean?
His blind spot.
Go for the breadbasket
in the clinches.
Bite his ear in close.
And don't give him
a moment to breathe. You're with us.
Yeah. Yeah. We're with you.
For Christ's sake,
stop slapping me!
You need it to build you up, Bill.
I know. I know.
Cool, cool. You all right, Neal?
Yeah. Yeah.
SPIKE: He's fine, Sarge.
Fine.
Oh, bleeding hell,
will you leave off?
[PLAYING GOD SAVE THE KING]
[PEOPLE CLAMORING]
MAN 1: There!
Behind the curtain!
MAN 2:
What's behind the curtain?
MAN 1:
The national
bloody anthem!
[MUSIC STOPS]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL BOOING]
My lords, ladies and gentlemen.
[MAN SHOUTING]
Gentlemen, please.
The first fight of the night
is a feathered weight
contest of...
[ALL JEERING]
MAN: Feathered weight!
At the weigh-in, Reynolds,
in the red corner...
[ALL CHEERING]
And Richards
in the blue corner,
nine stone, four pounds.
[ALL BOOING]
The referee is
Mr. Bill Thompson,
and the timekeeper...
[ALL BOOING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[LOUD CHEERING]
[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]
All right, stand up, mate.
Now, don't you worry, boy.
You are gonna chew him up.
He's far too tense.
You'll have to loosen up.
Right,
on the table.
On the table.
On the table.
[BILL GRUNTING]
Right? Over.
One.Good. Lovely.
Two.
To the ankles.
[YELPS]
Me spine!
[YELLS IN PAIN]
What's the matter with him?
Help me. I'm crippled!
You stupid bleeders.
[SCREAMS]
Well, what are we
gonna do, then,
Sarge?
We'll need a replacement.
I'll go and get one. Milligan! Get changed.
Oh, no, look, please,
Sarge. Look, I...
Don't worry, lad.
He's only little.
Only little.
Well, how little?
Oh, very little.
He's almost a dwarf.
A big dwarf or a small dwarf?
[STUTTERING] Oh, go on,
Spike, you can do it.
There's no need
to worry about it.
It's an order.
Please, Sarge. Get off.
Watkins, help him.
Sarge! Oh, no, please, Sarge...
[ALL CHEERING]
All right.
Not too hard.
He'll punch you before he goes in.
What's the matter with you?
Please would you stop?
I'm not ready.
Come on, don't muck about.
Please, I'm gonna bloody...
But I'm not gonna do it!
I am not going...
Milligan, come on.
Bill, this is all your fault!
Come on.
Bill...
Help!
Help!
Help.
That's not our man. A substitute?
Use your hands on him,
not your teeth.
[EXCLAIMS]
My God!
What did you say
about science, Jack?
Milligan,
the regiment's
watching you.
I'm gonna join my regiment.
Milligan!
Look, Sarge,
I am not fighting that
till I've heard it talk.
Don't let appearances fool you.
They haven't.
They haven't.
Don't worry, Spike.
You can do it.
You sure I can do it? Yes, you can do it.
Here.
Have a drink. All right?
Don't do that, please.
Now, then.
I want a clean fight.
And when I say "break," break!
Now,
then, go to your corners,
come out on the bell. Right?
Right.Right.
Seconds out. Round one!
[ALL CLAMORING]
[INAUDIBLE]
[INAUDIBLE]
[ALL GRUMBLING]
[BELL RINGING]
[SHOUTING]
You dirty slop pan!
You hit Stewie in the groonies!
Your man doesn't
fight fair, does he?
It's the excitement, Colin.
Wally.Yes.
Give us a rifle.
I'll kill him.
Seconds out. Round two!
Use Big Bertha.
[ALL BOOING]
ALL: One! Two! Three! Four!
[ALL CHEERING]
Kill him, Spike!
Kill him!
[ALL BOOING]
[EXCLAIMS]
I think my lad has the edge.
Two bottles of Scotch Mist
say he hasn't.
You're on.
Let him come to you!
Let him come to you!
[GRUNTING]
Just keep away, all right?
Keep away.
I think he's out in front now.
Just stay, stay,
stay away from,
from...
Keep away!
Seconds out.
Third and final round.
MAN: What?
Get it?
Stay away from him.
Come on, Stewart,
you've not hit him yet.
You've not hit him!
One, two, three...
I think I'd better throw
the bloody towel in.
He'll bloody kill him!
[ALL GROAN IN DISAPPOINTMENT]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL COUNTING]
[ALL CHEERING]
SERGEANT:
Right, on you come.
Easy, lads.
You're not on
a bloody trapeze.
Three or four goes of this,
and you'll know what
a knee-trembler really means.
That'll teach you
not to muck around
with those little birdies
behind the Naafi, Watkins.
SOLDIER: Watch out.
Come on. Come on, lads.
Get up, lads.
Who's driving
that bloody mess tin?
Good. Excellent.
Shall I get them down, sir?
No, no, no.
Leave them where they are.
Mustn't interfere
too much, you know.
Men, you are now approaching
the final phase of your
training.
Up to now you may have thought
that there was no
more to soldiering
than PT, parades, and inspections.
Nothing could be more wrong,
believe me.
As you know,
our Scottish colleagues,
the Second Highlanders,
a regular regiment,
are imparting the final lick
which will turn you
into professional soldiers.
British soldiers.
And we,
the officers of
this regiment, know
that when you finally take
the field against the Germans,
the skills we have taught you
and the martial traditions
of our race
will transform you
into an invincible opponent.
So, men, tonight you sleep,
and tomorrow you'll train
and train and train again!
Squad, attention!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
A most satisfactory day, Sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
Yes, sir.
Look out, Adolf.
Here we come!
[SCREAMING]
[BARKING ORDERS]
Move it!
Let's have you, come on!
He'll breathe on
your glasses, laddie,
and rape you.
Come on, move it!
Go on! In!
Come on, lift your feet up!
In! In!
Move it!
Let's have you! Come on!
What's the matter
with you, Milligan?
That's a filthy
German you've got there.
Now stab him.
That's my manny. In. Out.
Cut. Rip.
Slash. Kill.
Kill. Kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
[SPIKE PANTING]
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill.
Don't worry.
It's just good clean fun.
Right. Now,
I know all you lads
fancy yourselves as wee Tarzans,
so we've devised this little
exercise to pander to you.
I want each of you
to get on yon platform,
grab the rope, swing across,
and send the rope back.
You understand?
ALL: Yes, Sarge.
I hope so, lads,
because beyond
the innocent-looking bushes
are really
vicious stinging nettles
and bum-piercing thistles
to keep you aloft.
You understand now? ALL: Yes.
Right, then!
You, Milligan,
Neal, you're first. After me.
Right.
I'll go first,
send the rope back
for each of you.
Do you ken?
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS]
Right!
Right, laddie.
[BOTH SHOUTING]
SPIKE: Me goolies! SERGEANT: Three of us...
[RIPPING]
Where's me kilt?
Where's me kilt? Mother!
You bloody English fools!
Well, men,
a significant landmark
has just been passed.
Your training has been
successfully concluded.
As from today,
you may consider yourselves
as fully trained British
soldiers.
However, there is one
last item on our agenda.
In order that you may
try out your new skills,
we intend to give you a test.
Oh, God!
Not another one.
I'll just put you in the picture.
Here is our secret HQ, in red.
It is in fact a tent,
the location of which
is known only to
myself and the staff.
Here is
the enemy's HQ,
in blue, also secret.
Our mission is to seek
this out and destroy it.
Their job is to try and stop us.
[SPIKE IMITATING TRUMPET]
Turn left at the next turning.
Can you see anything, Larry?
No. Nothing.
Yet.
What about your side, Pongo?
There's no left turn
on this side either.
Are you sure we're
going the right way?
Leave it to me, mate.
Our first checkpoint
should be coming up soon.
[EXCLAIMS]
Turn left.
We should have
heard from them by now.
SPIKE ON RADIO:
Calling Sunray.
Calling Sunray.
I think
they're coming
through now, sir.
This is Seagull. Over.
Seagull, sir.
Jolly good.
We have reached our
first objective, sir.
Over.
Very good work, Seagull.
Now, according to your map,
you should be on
the top of a hill,
looking down into
a beautiful green valley.
Now, move on to point two,
which
you'll find somewhere
in grid reference 24.
And remember,
Blue Rover is on
the lookout for you,
so use your
initiative at all times.
Over and out.
[IMITATING TRUMPET]
What are we looking for now?
We're looking for a bridge.
A small bridge made of wood.
But first...
What?
We're lost.
[ALL CLAMORING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
What are you going backwards for?
Forward! I know!
There! There!
[ALL SHOUTING]
They went that way!
Where are we going?
According to my calculations,
the main road is straight
ahead.
Well, what's happened
to the bleeding road
then?
There's a war on.
They need the concrete.
Push!
[INAUDIBLE]
Push!
[ALL JEERING]
Any sign of them? I think we're clear.
Where are we now?
If we stick to this road,
we will reach that bridge.
Are you sure?
Leave it to me, mate.
They'll never find us now.
[WHISTLING]
Hey, they're behind us!
They're coming now!
Right.
Let's get out of here.
[WHISTLING]
[WHISTLING]
[WHISTLING]
[WHISTLING]
[GIGGLING]
Sunray, Sunray, come in.
This is Seagull.
Sunray, Sunray,
this is Seagull. Over.
Sunray, calling Sunray,
this is Seagull.
Sir, Seagull's coming through.
Sunray, Sunray, this is Seagull.
There you are, Tony.
Told you they'd do it.
Over.
Seagull? This is Sunray.
Give us your position.
Over.
We have located Blue Rover's nest.
I repeat, Blue Rover's nest.
Over.
Have you, by God?
Do you hear that?
They've run enemy HQ to earth.
This is very good
work indeed, Seagull.
Stand by to receive
attack instructions.
Unload the crates.
And inside them,
you'll find bags
of liquid.
Now, these are your bombs.
Plenty for each of you.
You're to advance
and bombard the area
with these stain bombs.
BOTH: Yes, sir.
And use your bayonets
to destroy the tent.
And finally...
ALL: Yes, sir?
...you will find
blankets and cords
for your hostages.
[STUTTERING] Hostages, sir?
You're to capture
all personnel present
and report to the referee
in the main camp.
Good luck. You've performed
absolutely brilliantly so far.
Over and out.
Well, sir, we did it.
The men, Tony.
Never forget the men.
Our leadership,
but their initiative.
Yes, sir.
[SIGHS]
Well, they've got
a lovely day for it.
[SOLDIERS CHEERING]
Charge!
[ALL SINGING]
[SOLDIERS GROANING]
Oh, God. Come on, push.
Well, it won't be long now
before we see the fruits
of your labors.
I'm afraid some of my seed
may have fallen on stony
ground, sir.
That was a bit careless,
was it not?
What I mean, sir,
is the raw material
was a bit wanting.
Only to be expected.
They're English, aren't they?
[DISTANT SINGING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Enemy camp destroyed, sir.
Well done, Milligan.
We'd almost given you up.
And who are they?
That's the enemy commander
and staff, sir.
Is that so, now?
Sir.
I am the enemy commander.
You are the enemy commander, sir?
That I am.
[LAUGHS]
I mean, you can't...
You are the enemy
commander, sir. Yes.
Well, sir,
there is someone going
round impersonating you.
Oh?
Come with me.
Get him undone!
Milligan!
On your feet. My socks...
Up!
Good morning, sir.
Have you got everything you want?
Oh, no, sir, no.
I haven't got
a Bentley.
Silence!
Who is that? He's my father, sir.
He's a funny man.
Well, he'll have to go. Well, yes, sir.
Where would you like him to go?
I think he'd look
lovely on a piano.
Put him out of my sight.
It's not allowed.
Do you hear?
Pardon? Do you hear?
Hear what, sir?
Look, I'm not
having any private being
a smart aleck at my expense.
No, no, sir.
No expense.
I did it free.
Put this man under arrest,
will you?
But he is, sir.
He is under arrest.
Consider yourself lucky, Milligan.
Tomorrow is your last day here.
Your regiment is
being posted abroad,
and you have been
granted home leave.
Thank you, sir.
And you, madam.
Whatever you do, Sarge,
please don't slam the door.
Hello, Mum. Son!
[AIR-RAID SIREN WAILING]
Look at you. Well?
You've changed.
Well,
just me vest.
I didn't go mad.
Who is it, Kitty? Wait and see, Dad.
Now, mother,
what's that... Hello, Captain.
Terence! Welcome home,
dear lad. Welcome home.
Nice to see you. How's the war going?
All right?
The war is going...
[IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRE]
...and "bang"!
Right. Well,
we're going to dine
in style tonight,
at Le Hotel Anderson.
He means the shelter.Yeah.
Yes, sir. Have you got
my headscarf, Mother?
I haven't got my wig on.
Oh, yes, dear, yes.
[BOMBING]
Yes, I must've mislaid the key.
I'm sorry about that.
They say
there's another
secret passage here...
What do they do?
Well,
what they do
is what they do.
Bless us, oh,
Lord, and these, thy gifts,
which we're about to receive,
through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost.
Amen. Pass the salt, Dad.
There isn't any, son.
The convoy went down.
Nevertheless,
you can partake
of this frugal meal
flown from the four
corners of the Empire
by His Majesty's Air Force.
God bless the man.
Makes you feel good
to be British, Mum.
I do hope they're
feeding you well, son.
Yeah. Yeah. Of course they are.
Of course they are. Really?
There's plenty more
of these lease-lend
eggplant if you want it.
Could I have more tea,
Mum, please?
How do you take your
tea these days, son?
Wartime strength, Dad.
[BOMBING STOPS]
They've stopped bombing.
Even the Germans
have to eat sometimes.
I've got a surprise
for you, Terence.
Chateau Liversan, 1934.
He won it in a raffle.
Yeah.
It's at shelter temperature.
Thanks, Dad.
Now, remember,
we've always
been a close family,
never been parted before.
Anyhow, let's hope
that after this war
we're still together,
and happy, and in one piece.
Till it's over, then,
let's drink a toast
to the family,
to the Milligans.
[EXPLOSION]
By God, that's great stuff.
Run out and buy
another raffle ticket.
Dad, don't move.
Give us a handkerchief, Mum. Don't move?
I have
no interest in moving.
The rent here is cheap.
Just hold that there.
I'll get some cotton wool.
[ALARM BELL CLANGING SOFTLY]
Good heavens.
Good heavens.
[ALL SINGING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Have one on me, sir! Up yours, Milligan!
See you later, sir! Good luck, dear sir.
And all who sail in her, eh?
Look out, Neville!
She's not much, sir!
She just lies there
and chews the pillow!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hello, doll!
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[INAUDIBLE]
You are watching the time, sir?
Oh, thank you very much,
Sergeant. Yes, thank you.
I'll just have a word
with them before I go.
I'll get them nice
and quiet for you, sir.
All right, could we have
a bit of quiet, lads?
Everyone!
Nice and quiet, please.
At the back. Nice and quiet.
Major Drysdale would like
to have a few words with you.
Thank you, son.
Gentlemen, thank you very
much indeed for the drink.
I'd just like to have
a few words with you
because it'll probably be
the last opportunity
I shall have.
This regiment has an
appointment with the Boche.
And, as you know,
the Royal Regiment
always keeps its appointments.
Yes!
Yes, sir.
No one's pretending
that it's going to be
an easy job. It isn't.
But amongst the fighting men
of the world,
the British soldier is the finest.
ALL: Yes, sir.
Now, always remember that
and the army will be
proud of you.
So far, men,
Jerry has had it
all his own way.
But your turn has now come.
Your cause is just,
so have faith, gentlemen.
Have faith in your God,
trust your officers,
and believe in the great
traditions of your arms,
and there can only be one result.
Complete and total victory.
Hear! Hear!
Hear! Hear!
It's your night, boys.
Enjoy yourselves
and don't do anything
that I wouldn't have
done at your age.
[ALL CHEERING]
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us
Well, here's to a good war, Jack.
Oh, it will be, Colin.
For some of us.
[ALL CLAMORING]
[ALL SINGING]
[SLOW TRUMPET TUNE PLAYING]
[INAUDIBLE]
[SIGHS]
All right, lads!
Right down the front.
Turn round the corner,
then straight down to the end.
Left, right, left.
Left, right, left.
[ALL SINGING]
[BARKING ORDERS]
Keep right back while
the train comes in,
all right?
Right,
make a nice,
neat pile, lads.
In here, come on.
Nice neat pile.
That's it. That's it.
You know interchangeable,
like, with each other.
Come on! Let's go.
It'll all be over.
LARRY: You got your
bucket and spade, Sarge?
Hey, hey!
You just watch it, you.
[ALL CHATTERING]
He's right.
He's right. Listen.
Listen to Pongo.
Pongo knows.
They're like that.
Dovetails are like that.
No, look, that's a crevice joint.
Now, a crevice joint...
Stand right back.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Stop pushing, sir!
[ALL CHATTERING]
I'd like to say goodbye to
her, you know, before we go.
Oh, here she is!
SOLDIER: This is Margaret!
[ALL CHEERING]
SOLDIER: Go on, sir. Give her some stick, sir.
Go on! Go on! Go on!
[ALL CHEERING]
One more, sir.
One more.
Come on, one more.
Do it again.
Do it again.
[ALL CHEERING]
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
Right, men,
keep away from
the edge of the platform.
[ALL CHATTERING]
It's just like
going to the seaside.
This is the seaside, you fool.
You know what I mean.
[ALL CHEERING]
Thank you very much.
That's very...
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
We're on our way.
Stop the train!
It's driving me
to death!
Next stop, war.
Get out of the way!
Let's have a look, then.
[ALL SINGING]
MAN ON RADIO: This is
the BBC Home Service.
Here is the 7:00 a.m. news,
and this is Alvar Lidell
reading it.
The occupation of Spitsbergen
by a combined British
and Norwegian task force
is continuing to
meet stiff resistance
from superior German forces.
Heavy casualties are
reported on both sides.
In Oslo, the Nazi...
[MUSIC STOPS]
[IMITATING TRUMPET]
Good news, Kitty.
December the 3rd,
I'm due for a fresh sock
and a quarter of Spam.
It's good.
It's a good book, this.
[CHUCKLES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO]
MAN ON RADIO: This is London.
Here is a special announcement.
Unconfirmed reports are coming in
that German
troops are carrying out
large-scale maneuvers...
Ah, it's you, son.
Dad.
The prime minister,
Mr. Chamberlain, and...
Neville Chamberlain's a fool!
The man
should step down
for a better man.
Why don't you write
in for the job, Dad?
I have.
This moment
I'm waiting for my
dear king to write to me
to ask me to form
a new government.
Hey, son, another of these
"OHMS" letters arrived
for you.
Ohm!
OHMS?
Actually,
that's just another
cunningly worded invitation
for me to partake in World War II.
Just fancy,
of all the people in
England, they've chosen you.
Oh, it's a great honor, son.
You'll have to open one, son.
I mean, we're
running out of disguises.
Dad, there will
never be another war.
Yes, there will. Never! Never!
Yes, there will.
We need them. Now listen, son.
Don't you work too late tonight.
And don't blow too hard.
It's
not good for the heart
and it can cause hernia.
Good night, Mum.
Night, Dad.
Night, son.
It's a good title for a song.
Good night, Mum,
good night, Dad.
And Auntie.
Depends upon how big
the family is, I suppose.
Just in time, Harry. In time for what?
In time for me to
open the door for you.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]Very funny.
I knew you'd like it. Is that Dad in there?
No, that's your granny
doing impressions.
Good night to you, too. And good night to you, too.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL CHATTERING]
We've got them buckling
at the knees, lads.
I've counted
one immaculate
conception so far.
Let's give them something
that'll really get them
at it, eh?
Number 69.
We hope you are
enjoying your evening
with the Harlem Club Band.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've
all been waiting for.
Everybody on
the floor, please,
for the Paul Jones!
[MAN WHOOPING]
Ready? You start first,
I'll catch up.
A one, two...
[MUSIC STARTS]
Excuse me, please.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Excuse me.
Stop playing.
Stop the music.
Music?
That's gonna
cost him extra.
Quiet, quiet, please.
Please,
ladies and gentlemen,
can I have your attention?
I have an announcement to make.
We've received information
through the wireless
that German troops have
crossed the Polish frontier.
Is that all? Right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
take your partners...
Now, wait a minute.
I haven't finished yet.
Ladies and gentlemen,
take your partners for
the manager's announcement.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
An ultimatum has been sent
to the German government
by Mr. Chamberlain.
That's the bloke that does
prime minister impressions.
Heavy fighting has
broken out on all fronts.
[ALL MURMURING]
Unless the
German troops are withdrawn
before the ultimatum expires,
we will be at war with Germany.
I love the "we" bit.
Ladies and gentlemen,
take your partners
for the Second World War.
Ladies and gentlemen,
in view of the world
situation,
will you stand for the king?
Where? Where?
# God save our gracious King
# Long live our noble King
# God save the King
# Send him victorious
# Happy and glorious
# Long to reign over us
[AIR-RAID SIREN WAILING]
[MACHINE GUN FIRE]
[MAN IMITATING TRUMPET]
MAN 2: Next!
[MEN MURMURING]
Next!
Give over, will you, mate?
It's all right, my friends,
we're all invited.
MAN 2: Yes, and
you follow on. Next!
You tell them
your name's Phyllis,
you'll be out in an hour.
You, next. Come on.Morning.
Bend.
[WHOOSH]
[MAN YELPS]
I've heard about people like you.
Next.
MAN 3: Say "aah" and
raise your right leg.
[YELPS]
Move along.
Well, let go first.
Come along. You, next.
MAN 4: Fill this. Mmm? Ah.
I can't.
Well, turn on the tap.
Now try.
MAN 2: One more.
[WATER RUNNING]
That's better. Yes.
That's enough.
I said that's enough!
Damn it, me trousers!
I'm sorry, sir.
MAN 5: Bend down.
But I've just done that... Bend down.
MAN 2: Right and the next.
No...
MAN 5: Have you
ever had varicose veins,
flat feet, piles or asthma?
[GULPS] Why?
Are you giving them away?
Move along.
Oh!
MAN 2: Next! Yes, you.
[GAGS]
[GASPS]
MAN 6: Lie down.
Lie down.
Next!
[GIGGLING]
[EXCLAIMS]
Cough.
[YELPS]
Next!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
[TRUCK HORN BLARING]
[WOLF WHISTLES]
[WOLF WHISTLES]
[MAKES BIRD CALLS]
You!
Yes, you!
What's your name?
Terence Alan Milligan.
Well,
Terence Alan Milligan,
put that cigarette out.
Not on my parade ground!
Milligan, eh?
We've been waiting for you.
Have you?
We've postponed the fighting,
you know.
Got a nice little treat
in store for you, Milligan.
You're gonna be
a lovely gunner,
aren't you?
You're gonna be a credit to
your regiment, aren't you, eh?
Follow me!
Come on, come on. Come on! Come on!
Don't you take
the mickey out
of me, son,
or you'll get
my boot up your jacksie.
Get in that bloody office!
Go on, get in there!
Oh, excuse me, sir.
A list of the new
intakes.
Thank you.
Oh, and this, sir.
Ah.
You've anymore mickey-taking,
I'll have your guts for
garters, all right?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
Left, right, left,
right, left, right,
halt!
This is gunner
Terence Alan Milligan, sir.
Yes. Milligan.
We expected you some time ago.
You're a trifle late for
the kickoff, aren't you?
Sir?
You do know
that you're three
months late in arriving?
Oh,
I'll make up for it, sir.
I'll fight nights as well.
Silence!
Why is he still
in civilian clothes?
They wouldn't
let me on the
train naked.
Silence!
I mean, Milligan,
why aren't you in uniform?
Because I'm not at
war with anybody, sir.
They really should arrest
these recruiting officers.
Milligan,
we have to try to
turn you into a soldier.
Yes, sir.
That imposes a very
heavy burden on us.
Would it be better if
I went back home, sir?
You're in for the duration,
and it starts now.
Silence! I didn't say anything!
Beg your pardon, sir.
See that he's taken
care of, Sergeant.
Sir!
Come on!
Get them shoulders back!
Left, right, left,
right, left, right!
And take that bloody
smile off your face!
Attention!
What's this, then?
What's this?
Feeling mutinous, are we?
Squad, attention!
Now,
this morning we begin
to attempt the impossible.
We're gonna turn
you lot into soldiers.
Right.
Answer when
I call your names.
Neal.Here.
Edwards.Here.
Watkins. What?
Are you here? Yes, Sarge, I'm right here.
Burne.Sir.
Anderson.Here.
Neville. Here, Sarge.
Bliss. Well, I...
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yes, lad?
What's the matter?
We have a problem?
I shouldn't be in
the army, really.
No, no, no. Well,
there's a lot of
it about.
What's the trouble?
Well, it's...
I've got flat feet.
Yes, well, I'm gonna
make them flatter for you.
Round the perimeter 50 times.
At the double!
Perimeter?
Round here, lad, the perimeter!
Well, get on with it. I'm going. I'm going.
Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right.
Get moving!
[MEN LAUGHING]
All right, settle down, you lads.
Sutton. Here, Sergeant.
Waters.Here.
Milligan.
Why don't you answer
your name, Milligan?
I just wanted to
bring a little tension
into your life, Sergeant.
[MEN LAUGHING]
50 times round the perimeter,
at the double.
Oh, no.
Can't we talk this over?
And you're on fatigues
tomorrow morning.
As two reasonable people... And...
And now, folks,
the great Milligan marathon!
Jump to it!
[EXCLAIMING]
Left, right, left, right!
Left, right, left!
Stop clarting about!
Stop messing about there, man!
Right! Get them up!
One, two, three, four!
Right. Get ready!
Squad, halt!
Now, come on, close up, close up.
Squad, right turn!
Stand at ease!
Stand easy.
Squad, attention!
You may swear,
plot,
conspire,
rebel,
commit suicide,
joke.
But get this straight,
you horrible pimples.
If Jerry doesn't get you,
then I bleeding will.
Now, you can go
and get your uniforms.
Wait for it!
Squad, dismissed!
[ALL CHATTERING]
Yeah, the rustics.
You remember that.
In the year 1940 A.D.,
Gunner Terence Alan Milligan
invaded the British army.
Armies fled in terror
when Milligan unleashed
his diabolical secret weapon,
the standard British battle dress.
Now,
note the extra-long
sleeves for dipping in soup.
Note the extra-wide collars.
This lets in the wind,
snow, and more soup.
Soup and wind gets up here,
and the folds
in the trousers are
for collecting more soup,
thereby making Milligan
the indisputable soup plan.
[BLOWS TUNELESSLY ON TRUMPET]
Leave off!
They reek!
They smell of cow dung.
That's the bulletproofing
you smell.
Yeah, bulletproofing, my tits.
I know cow dung when I smell it.
Put it on, William.
I think you'll look
absolutely... Very good.
Knock it off!
Go on, feel it.
It's as rough as old iron.
You're right.
They're not fit
for human habitation.
[PLAYS FAST TUNE]
Hey,
you can really
play that thing.
What experience have you had?
Well,
there was Irma at 16,
Carol and Norma at 18,
but after that it gets a bit...
What he means is
are you interested in
joining a small group?
Certainly,
if you think
I'm small enough.
Great. I'm the manager.
I'm delighted.
Don't do that,
you're making
my eyes water.
All right, sir?
Sergeant? It's time to inspect
the new lot, sir.
Yes. Yes, of course.
Lead on, Sergeant.
What's the matter
with you, Heavenly?
Crushing your cobblers, are they?
It's me feet.
I keep telling them
I've got flat feet,
but they won't listen.
Flat feet? Give over!
It's true.
I've got the papers.
I've got hereditary flat feet.
Don't you worry, Heavenly.
You need flat feet.
It's a flat world.
The MO says you're okay.
Yeah, well,
I've got flat feet.
We've all got flat feet.
No, my condition
is a medical fact.
Hey, look, he doesn't believe me.
A tenner says that I have
got flat feet. All right?
All right. Well, you'll have
to prove it, Spike.
I've thought of that.
What about a flat foot print?
Will that do? I don't know what you mean.
Show him. Yeah, go on, Spike.
All right.
Would you get me a piece
of cardboard, please, Bill?
Anything for a mate, Spike.
May I borrow your Brylcreem,
please?
Certainly, Spike.
What's the cardboard for?
Look, you asked for proof.
Now, please, pay attention.
All right.
Attention.
Yes, all right.
Are you watching,
Heavenly? I'm watching.
Look.
Is the bet still on?
Yeah.Shake.
Sorry about that.
Right, now watch.
Is that or is that
not a flat footprint?
Of course it is. Flat as a pancake.
Definitely flat.
It's flat because of
your weight, isn't it?
All right,
then we'll do
it another way.
Stand back, lads.
Oh, could you get me your pillow?
Same as usual,
sir, I'm afraid.Yeah.
There's one who's
a bit of a troublemaker.
Milligan, sir. There's always one.
Now,
smear both me soles
with that stuff, Bill.
Certainly.
Lovely.
Is the bet still on, Heavenly?
Yes.Shake. Sorry about that.
Now put
the cardboard
on the top. Lovely.
You're a very
difficult man to
convince, Heavenly.
Now press down. Hard.
Attention.
Attention!
Milligan,
if it's not too much trouble,
care to explain?
I'm just practicing, sir.
Practicing? Yes, sir.
In case we're all
sent to Australia, sir.
[MEN LAUGHING]
Are you now?
Did you hear that, Sergeant? Yes, sir.
On your feet, twit.
You're speaking to
an officer.
There's something not quite
right about this man,
sir.
Why aren't you in uniform?
Uniform, Sergeant?
They're dangerous.
Dangerous? Why?
Well, Germans shoot at them, sir.
[MEN LAUGHING]
I think he's all right, Sergeant.
Just has a healthy
fear of being shot at.
Well,
we'll have to
put you somewhere
where they can't
find you, won't we?
Thank you, sir.
Cookhouse fatigue,
0600 hours in the morning.
Yes, sir. Right, carry on.
Carry on, men.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[BUGLE PLAYING]
[BUBBLING]
Bye, darling.
Morning, sir.Morning.
You're up early.
[MAJOR MUTTERS]
[SNORES]
[LOUD TANGO MUSIC PLAYING]
Who did that? It's me, sir. Milligan, sir.
[MAJOR SIGHS]
What are you standing
there for, Milligan?
Well, everybody has
to be somewhere, sir.
What the blazes are you wearing?
Oh, it's the latest
craze, sir. Uniforms.
You look as if you've shrunk.
It's the army life, sir.
It gives me that
shrinking feeling.
That'll be all, Milligan. Yes, sir.
Milligan. Sir?
You salute the king's uniform.
Not pajamas.
Might be better
to salute it when it
has an officer inside.
[ALL SINGING]
All right, out you get!
Get out, you lads.
Come on. Get out.
Come on, hurry it up.
Get on with it.
MAN: Oh, leave off.
[ALL COUGHING]
That's it, lads.
Go on, cough it up.
It might be a gold watch.
Where are we, Sarge? That's a good question, Neal.
You're probably wondering
why I brought you out here
this morning.
You're a nature lover, Sarge.
Not your nature, Milligan.
Full of honest concern
for your physical wellbeing,
me and the OC have decided
that there's gonna be no
PT this morning.
[ALL CHEERING]
He's human, after all!
Heart of gold.
Yes. Instead you'll
all be pleased to hear
we've decided
you need something
a bit more strenuous.
[ALL GROANING]
Now,
for starters, we've decided
to send you on a little run.
A five-mile run.
What? Five bleeding miles?
What about my feet?
Right. Off you go.
Come on, get on with it.
All right, you lot,
get on with it!
Move, Milligan!
Come on, hup, two, three!
Pick those legs up.
You've got five
miles to go, you know.
Go on, get on with it!
# Once in a while
you've a feeling that
somebody hates you
# Run for a mile,
get a feeling for
old Mother Nature
# But looking on the sunny side
# At least I think I might survive
# Better men than me have died
# All to keep the war alive
# It's gonna be a good, good war
# It's gonna last a month or more
# Lots of lovely things in store
# For you and me
# And when the fighting's done
Only another four
and a half miles to go!
# It's gonna be
such good clean fun
# Wait and see
# Once in a while
you can smile at the
stories they told you
# Write to your mum,
tell her isn't it
fun playing soldiers
# And though he
makes the odd remark
# Sergeant says I look the part
# There's nothing
to this army lark
# But I wonder when
the real thing starts
# It's gonna be a good, good war
# It's gonna last a month or more
# Lots of lovely things in store
# For you and me
# And when the fighting's done
# At least I'll
know that I could run
# It's gonna be
such good clean fun
# Wait and see
# La-la-la-la-la-da-da
# Da-da-da-da-la-da-da
# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
[PANTING]
[EXCLAIMS]
Milligan!
I think
I hear them
coming now, sir.
Really?
MAN:
We've got a bit to go yet.
[MAJOR CHUCKLES]
Keep it up, Edwards.
Doing very well.
Well done, chaps.Excellent.
Keep it up.
Ah. Jolly good.
There is another one, sir.
Oh? Who's that?
Milligan, sir.
Ah.
Milligan.
[TRUCK HORN HONKING]
Hold it.
Hold it!
Sir! Baggage off!
Just a minute.
For a weakling, this man's
got quite a lot of backbone.
Make good use
of it, Sergeant. Sir!
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Halt. Who goes there?
MAN: Adolf bloody Hitler.
Pass, friend.
How much is three pints of bitter?
Never mind that.
We got a gig, lads.
Where and when?
The local vicar,
at his fundraising social.
Here's to that.
Hey, can I sing, Bill?
How many songs do you know? Three.
Come back when you know six.
Hey, listen.
We are gonna be
paid, aren't we?
Yeah, of course we are.
We're not in it for
bleeding charity, mate.
I told him that and all.
Good evening, all.
I'm investigating
a crime against music.
We got a gig, Spike.
Yeah. How much?
Leave that to me.
I'm the manager, ain't I?
Well, in that case,
you can manage another beer.
# There were four and twenty
virgins down from Inverness
# And when the ball was over
there were four and twenty
less #
Let's turn it off, you lot!
All right, who said that?
Stand up and step outside.
It's like Paddington Station
in here.
Can't a man get no privacy?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Who said that?
Him.
Why don't you lot
push off back to
your own hut
and let a hero get some kip?
Hey, lads,
lads, lads, come here.
Do you wanna see something?
What? Now, what you got?
Hey, sure, come on,
give the lad a chance.
Listen.
Now, I want no lights.
No lights, please.
Give that man no lights, please.
Don't do that,
I've got a full house!
Will you shut up
and give him a break?
All right, torches, please.
Will you bring some
torches over here?
All right. Hurry up now.
I'd like to start the show...
Will you shine that
torch just down there?
That's it.
Now, I'd like to kick off
with a parade of army life.
[ALL HUM]
Turn your minds to that lovely
and beautiful thing,
the army breakfast.
You know what I mean, lads?
You go in to the canteen,
up to the cook, and what
do you get?
Sausage on a plate.
[IMITATING TRUMPET]
# Sausage on a plate!
Now. Now. Note the contrast
with a boiled-potato effect.
Now, moving on, moving on,
here are some
familiar objects,
for your pleasure.
# Pleasure!
We're passing
the quartermaster's store.
And there's a squaddie on jankers.
And what is he doing?
He's carrying something.
And what is he carrying?
A sack of flour.
# Sack of flour!
[ALL CHEERING]
Thank you, thank you.
And now, please,
settle down.
I would like to do
for you an impression.
My impression of Groucho Marx.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
# There were four and twenty
virgins came down from
Inverness
# And when the ball was over
there were four and twenty
less
# Diddly-aye, diddly-aye
Backs against the wall #
[SINGING DIES OUT]
New orders for tomorrow.
Good evening.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Come on, come on.
Get in the second lane.
Get in the second...
You've been in first
for half an hour.
Get the bloody thing in.
Sort them all out.
And get that
foot off the...
That's it. Right.
Come on, come on.
All right, all right.
Not so fast.
All right,
take it easy, take it...
You're not on a bloody racetrack.
Right, Sarge?
Brake!
Get your foot
on the brake!
Brake?
Get your foot on the ruddy brake!
[SOLDIERS SHOUTING]
All right, settle down.
Well, son,
you've found
your true vocation.
You're a natural-born killer.
[SOLDIERS LAUGHING]
Stop laughing!
You lot have got
about as much chance
of learning to drive
as I have of becoming
the prime minister.
But the army says
you've got to drive,
so drive you bleeding well will.
Got the message?
MEN: Yes, Sarge.
Right.
Now, then,
this vehicle should
be like a human being
and must be treated like one.
For a start,
it must be fed
the right ingredients.
These are petrol, oil and water.
That's what we had
for breakfast, Sarge.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Each one has its
own hole for pouring.
And if we put
the wrong thing
into the wrong hole,
just as if I put my boot
in your hole, Milligan,
it ceases to function.
There's no need
for blasphemy, Sarge.
I hope you know a few hymns.
Because you're next.
Leave it to me, Sarge.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[GEARS GRINDING]
[HONKS]
Put that hooter back!
Milligan! For God's sake,
put your right out.
Get back on the...
Milligan.
Milligan.
It's all right, Sarge.
The gearbox is a bit wonky.
Milligan,
there's something
you ought to know.
[SERGEANT SCREAMS]
[CRASH]
[BOTH GRUNT]
[MOOS]
[PANTING]
[PLANE APPROACHING]
[STUTTERING] Oh,
I say, look, a Jerry...
Plane.Yes.
Look!
There's another one.
Oh, that's one of ours!
Come on, son!
Take the Jerry!
Hey, Sarge, he's got him!
Cut it out, will you, bastard?
My God.
He's coming down.
It's coming up behind us, Sarge.
[CRASH]
All right, come on, break it up.
You'll soon get used to
the sight of dead meat.
Is it going to explode, Sarge?
I hope not.
Right, men, I want you to
strip it of everything usable.
Come on.
Who says we're to strip it, Sarge?
I do.
And hurry up about it.
The recovery mob
will be here soon.
What about them? Everything usable.
Move it, Milligan.
There's a war on,
you know.
Yeah. Yeah,
you're right, Sarge.
I forgot.
[INAUDIBLE]
Don't play
about with that.
Hey, put it away.
All right.
I'll take that.
Can we go now, Sarge?
Yes. All right, that's it.
You wait for
the recovery boys
to arrive, right?
The rest of you get in the truck!
You're asking me to
stay alone with them?
I'm not asking you, Bliss,
I'm ordering you.
Now, Bliss. What?
If anybody asks,
nobody took nothing, right?
I suppose so.
Right? Right.
MAN: Get something, mate?
All right, you men, hurry it up.
Come on. Get your
arse up into that
truck.
[ALL CLAMORING]
All the best.
See you, Heavenly!
Don't leave me here all night!
[ALL CLAMORING]
[COUGHING]
Heavenly!
Jesus wept!
Is that him?
Of course it's him,
you stupid bleeder.
Get a blanket! Go on!
Oh, no.
[BUGLE PLAYING]
[SOLDIER ISSUING ORDER]
SOLDIER: Fire!
[GUN SHOT]
[SOLDIER ISSUING ORDER]
Fire!
[GUN SHOT]
[SOLDIER ISSUING ORDER]
Fire!
[GUN SHOT]
...55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60.
[INAUDIBLE]
Not a bad little band.
Of course,
they'd be nothing without me.
They're very lucky.
Too true.
I gave them their
first break, you know.
Hey, Bill, is it me?
Am I on yet?
See that?
They all want
to know me now.
Will you see us home after?
See what I mean?
[SINGING TUNELESSLY]
# Good night, sweetheart
# All my prayers are for you
# Good night, sweetheart
# I'll be watching...
Can I have a word with you, Spike?
Sure. What sort of
word would you like?
"Bed."
That's a good
word for tonight.
Spike, stop it. Stop it?
I haven't even
started yet, have I?
Well,
what time are
we meeting tonight?
Yeah, well, hang about
till it's finished,
all right?
# Good night, sweetheart...
I say,
Milligan, can you
play Amber Rose Forever?
No, sir,
I get tired
after half an hour.
# ...till we meet and banish
# Dreams enfold you
In them, dear, I'll hold you
# Good night, sweetheart,
good night #
[ALL APPLAUDING]
SERGEANT: Attention!
Ready when you are, sir. Thank you, Sergeant.
Now, I want five
shells in the sandpit.
We've got no shells, sir.
What do you mean,
you've got no shell?
This gun's not been fired
since the First World War,
sir.
They don't
make shells for
it anymore, sir.
Very well.
We'll have to continue
with the wooden ones.
Carry on, please, Sergeant.Sir.
Beg pardon, sir.
All right, men,
as you were!
Prepare to load.
Nice and rhythmic, now.
One. Two.
Three. Four.
Five. Six. Load.
In! Closed. Locked.
Fire! Pull.
ALL: Bang! Prepare to load.
One. Two.
Three. Four.
Five. Six. Load.
In! Closed. Locked.
Fire! Pull.
ALL: Bang! Prepare to load.
One. Two.
Three. Four.
Five. Six. Load.
Excuse me, sir.
We've found one shell, sir.
It was in the war museum, sir.
There, you see?
I knew it.
Where is it now?
We've made a formal
application for its
use, sir.
It's being sent down
under escort, sir.
Good. Good.
Now,
prepare the target
for 1500 hours today.
And warn the locals
that the bang they hear
will be one of ours.
Right, sir.
SERGEANT: Red Leader,
Red Leader, this is Seagull.
We are in position.
Ready when you are.
Over.
They're in position, sir.Good. Good. Good.
Right. Fire it now.
What, now, sir?
Yes, now. Fire it.
It's not working, sir.
Shall we just shout
"bang"?
[MUFFLED THUD]
Red Leader,
Red Leader,
this is Seagull.
Have to report
Flying Fish is negative.
Repeat, negative.
It's a bleeding dud!
Well, what happened?
It's a dud.
A dud?
Right. Now, it's
not a bloody bed,
keep doing it.
Get them up in the air.
Are you gonna punch that,
or I'll punch you?
Don't be a bloody fool!
Ought to be 1:00, all right?
Move them round more.
Right, keep this moving, lads.
Come on.
One... Keep it going.
One after the other.
Come on. Next man.
That's the stuff.
All right.
Now, line up.
Now, this time, men,
this time, I'd like...
Attention!
Just want a word
with them, Sergeant.
All right, stand easy.
Now, our neighbors,
the Second Highlanders,
have challenged us to contest
the middleweight division
in their annual boxing tournament.
Now, the 56th Heavy
Artillery is not one
to back down on a challenge,
is it?
ALL: No, sir. No.
I had in mind someone rather tall
for the weight, athletic prowess,
plenty of scientific skill,
great courage.
So we shall need a volunteer,
shan't we?
[COUGHS]
Yes? Dodgy lung, sir.
I said we needed a volunteer.
Come along, now, men,
surely I don't have
to choose a volunteer?
[EXCLAIMS]
Ah.
Changed your mind, Neal?
Good man.
I'm sure he won't
let us down, will you, Neal?
Sir. Right, that's settled then.
And Milligan and Watkins
can be your training partners.
All right, carry on with
the good work, Sergeant.
Sir! Attention!
Right, you lot, back to work.
[SPIKE SNICKERING]
[ALL CLAMORING]
[SIREN WAILING]
[SOLDIER SHOUTING]
All right, you lot,
get your gear on!
Put that cigarette out.
Get out of bed.
Get the gas mask on.
Milligan! Gas mask!
[ALL CLAMORING]
Come on,
get out of here, all of you!
[HEAVY BREATHING]
[INAUDIBLE]
[ALL CLAMORING]
[SERGEANT
BARKING MUFFLED ORDERS]
Answer when I call your names,
all right?
You hear what I said?
When I call your names,
answer loud.
[SOLDIERS MURMURING]
Neville?
Neville?
Come on, come on, where's Neville?
Neville!
Yes, sir.
More like it. Neal?
Neal? Yeah.
All right. Black. I'm in here.
Black! Yes, Sergeant.
Sorry, Sergeant...
Tell the men to take their...
Tell the men to take
their masks off, Sergeant.
We'll be here all bloody night.
Get your masks off!
Masks off!
Right. Now, then.
Shall I start the
roll again, sir?
What? Yes, I suppose so.
What do you think, Goldie? Do what you think, Sergeant.
Sir. Neville.Sarge.
Neal.Sarge.
Burne. Yes, sir.
Watkins.Sarge.
Attention!
[SIREN WAILING]
Bad luck.
Dismiss the
parade, Sergeant.
Sir! Squad!
Squad dismissed!
Right, go and get some kip, lads.
[ALL GRUMBLING]
I've never seen so
many bombers before.
Neither have I.
I wonder where they're heading.
London.
Do you think so, Bill?
Where else?
We're lucky it isn't us.
That's a fact.
Don't you worry, mate.
You won't cop it.
Those civilians will
fight your war for you.
Forget it, Spike.
LARRY:
I didn't mean it
like that, Spike.
PONGO: Jesus.
Just look at that sky.
SPIKE: Look at that.
I feel so bloody helpless.
BILL: Don't worry, mate.
London's well defended.
LARRY: Our folks,
they should be all right,
though, shouldn't they?
PONGO: Yeah.
They've got shelters.
BILL: Yeah.
They should be okay.
LARRY: Yeah.
It's all that
ack-ack, innit?
Keeps the bombers up high.
Affects their aim.
Isn't that right, Spike?
What? Oh, yes.
Yes, I suppose so.
[SOLDIERS CHATTERING]
What, sir?
What?
Waters' family's
caught it in the raids.
What, all of them?
Yeah.
House, family, the lot.
Jesus wept.
He's just been told.
Do what you can for him, lads.
Sure.
Yeah. Right.
Poor sod.
I wouldn't do that, mate.
It's not loaded.
God, Larry, that's terrible.
Yeah, you'll be all right.
Larry?
[WHIMPERS]
I'd better go after him. You leave him be, mate.
[ALL CHEERING]
MAN: What a load of rubbish!
[ALL CHEERING]
Now, get him on the ropes,
son, and he's yours.
His blind spot.
Do you know what I mean?
His blind spot.
Go for the breadbasket
in the clinches.
Bite his ear in close.
And don't give him
a moment to breathe. You're with us.
Yeah. Yeah. We're with you.
For Christ's sake,
stop slapping me!
You need it to build you up, Bill.
I know. I know.
Cool, cool. You all right, Neal?
Yeah. Yeah.
SPIKE: He's fine, Sarge.
Fine.
Oh, bleeding hell,
will you leave off?
[PLAYING GOD SAVE THE KING]
[PEOPLE CLAMORING]
MAN 1: There!
Behind the curtain!
MAN 2:
What's behind the curtain?
MAN 1:
The national
bloody anthem!
[MUSIC STOPS]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL BOOING]
My lords, ladies and gentlemen.
[MAN SHOUTING]
Gentlemen, please.
The first fight of the night
is a feathered weight
contest of...
[ALL JEERING]
MAN: Feathered weight!
At the weigh-in, Reynolds,
in the red corner...
[ALL CHEERING]
And Richards
in the blue corner,
nine stone, four pounds.
[ALL BOOING]
The referee is
Mr. Bill Thompson,
and the timekeeper...
[ALL BOOING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[LOUD CHEERING]
[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]
All right, stand up, mate.
Now, don't you worry, boy.
You are gonna chew him up.
He's far too tense.
You'll have to loosen up.
Right,
on the table.
On the table.
On the table.
[BILL GRUNTING]
Right? Over.
One.Good. Lovely.
Two.
To the ankles.
[YELPS]
Me spine!
[YELLS IN PAIN]
What's the matter with him?
Help me. I'm crippled!
You stupid bleeders.
[SCREAMS]
Well, what are we
gonna do, then,
Sarge?
We'll need a replacement.
I'll go and get one. Milligan! Get changed.
Oh, no, look, please,
Sarge. Look, I...
Don't worry, lad.
He's only little.
Only little.
Well, how little?
Oh, very little.
He's almost a dwarf.
A big dwarf or a small dwarf?
[STUTTERING] Oh, go on,
Spike, you can do it.
There's no need
to worry about it.
It's an order.
Please, Sarge. Get off.
Watkins, help him.
Sarge! Oh, no, please, Sarge...
[ALL CHEERING]
All right.
Not too hard.
He'll punch you before he goes in.
What's the matter with you?
Please would you stop?
I'm not ready.
Come on, don't muck about.
Please, I'm gonna bloody...
But I'm not gonna do it!
I am not going...
Milligan, come on.
Bill, this is all your fault!
Come on.
Bill...
Help!
Help!
Help.
That's not our man. A substitute?
Use your hands on him,
not your teeth.
[EXCLAIMS]
My God!
What did you say
about science, Jack?
Milligan,
the regiment's
watching you.
I'm gonna join my regiment.
Milligan!
Look, Sarge,
I am not fighting that
till I've heard it talk.
Don't let appearances fool you.
They haven't.
They haven't.
Don't worry, Spike.
You can do it.
You sure I can do it? Yes, you can do it.
Here.
Have a drink. All right?
Don't do that, please.
Now, then.
I want a clean fight.
And when I say "break," break!
Now,
then, go to your corners,
come out on the bell. Right?
Right.Right.
Seconds out. Round one!
[ALL CLAMORING]
[INAUDIBLE]
[INAUDIBLE]
[ALL GRUMBLING]
[BELL RINGING]
[SHOUTING]
You dirty slop pan!
You hit Stewie in the groonies!
Your man doesn't
fight fair, does he?
It's the excitement, Colin.
Wally.Yes.
Give us a rifle.
I'll kill him.
Seconds out. Round two!
Use Big Bertha.
[ALL BOOING]
ALL: One! Two! Three! Four!
[ALL CHEERING]
Kill him, Spike!
Kill him!
[ALL BOOING]
[EXCLAIMS]
I think my lad has the edge.
Two bottles of Scotch Mist
say he hasn't.
You're on.
Let him come to you!
Let him come to you!
[GRUNTING]
Just keep away, all right?
Keep away.
I think he's out in front now.
Just stay, stay,
stay away from,
from...
Keep away!
Seconds out.
Third and final round.
MAN: What?
Get it?
Stay away from him.
Come on, Stewart,
you've not hit him yet.
You've not hit him!
One, two, three...
I think I'd better throw
the bloody towel in.
He'll bloody kill him!
[ALL GROAN IN DISAPPOINTMENT]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL COUNTING]
[ALL CHEERING]
SERGEANT:
Right, on you come.
Easy, lads.
You're not on
a bloody trapeze.
Three or four goes of this,
and you'll know what
a knee-trembler really means.
That'll teach you
not to muck around
with those little birdies
behind the Naafi, Watkins.
SOLDIER: Watch out.
Come on. Come on, lads.
Get up, lads.
Who's driving
that bloody mess tin?
Good. Excellent.
Shall I get them down, sir?
No, no, no.
Leave them where they are.
Mustn't interfere
too much, you know.
Men, you are now approaching
the final phase of your
training.
Up to now you may have thought
that there was no
more to soldiering
than PT, parades, and inspections.
Nothing could be more wrong,
believe me.
As you know,
our Scottish colleagues,
the Second Highlanders,
a regular regiment,
are imparting the final lick
which will turn you
into professional soldiers.
British soldiers.
And we,
the officers of
this regiment, know
that when you finally take
the field against the Germans,
the skills we have taught you
and the martial traditions
of our race
will transform you
into an invincible opponent.
So, men, tonight you sleep,
and tomorrow you'll train
and train and train again!
Squad, attention!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
A most satisfactory day, Sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
Yes, sir.
Look out, Adolf.
Here we come!
[SCREAMING]
[BARKING ORDERS]
Move it!
Let's have you, come on!
He'll breathe on
your glasses, laddie,
and rape you.
Come on, move it!
Go on! In!
Come on, lift your feet up!
In! In!
Move it!
Let's have you! Come on!
What's the matter
with you, Milligan?
That's a filthy
German you've got there.
Now stab him.
That's my manny. In. Out.
Cut. Rip.
Slash. Kill.
Kill. Kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
[SPIKE PANTING]
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Kill.
Don't worry.
It's just good clean fun.
Right. Now,
I know all you lads
fancy yourselves as wee Tarzans,
so we've devised this little
exercise to pander to you.
I want each of you
to get on yon platform,
grab the rope, swing across,
and send the rope back.
You understand?
ALL: Yes, Sarge.
I hope so, lads,
because beyond
the innocent-looking bushes
are really
vicious stinging nettles
and bum-piercing thistles
to keep you aloft.
You understand now? ALL: Yes.
Right, then!
You, Milligan,
Neal, you're first. After me.
Right.
I'll go first,
send the rope back
for each of you.
Do you ken?
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS]
Right!
Right, laddie.
[BOTH SHOUTING]
SPIKE: Me goolies! SERGEANT: Three of us...
[RIPPING]
Where's me kilt?
Where's me kilt? Mother!
You bloody English fools!
Well, men,
a significant landmark
has just been passed.
Your training has been
successfully concluded.
As from today,
you may consider yourselves
as fully trained British
soldiers.
However, there is one
last item on our agenda.
In order that you may
try out your new skills,
we intend to give you a test.
Oh, God!
Not another one.
I'll just put you in the picture.
Here is our secret HQ, in red.
It is in fact a tent,
the location of which
is known only to
myself and the staff.
Here is
the enemy's HQ,
in blue, also secret.
Our mission is to seek
this out and destroy it.
Their job is to try and stop us.
[SPIKE IMITATING TRUMPET]
Turn left at the next turning.
Can you see anything, Larry?
No. Nothing.
Yet.
What about your side, Pongo?
There's no left turn
on this side either.
Are you sure we're
going the right way?
Leave it to me, mate.
Our first checkpoint
should be coming up soon.
[EXCLAIMS]
Turn left.
We should have
heard from them by now.
SPIKE ON RADIO:
Calling Sunray.
Calling Sunray.
I think
they're coming
through now, sir.
This is Seagull. Over.
Seagull, sir.
Jolly good.
We have reached our
first objective, sir.
Over.
Very good work, Seagull.
Now, according to your map,
you should be on
the top of a hill,
looking down into
a beautiful green valley.
Now, move on to point two,
which
you'll find somewhere
in grid reference 24.
And remember,
Blue Rover is on
the lookout for you,
so use your
initiative at all times.
Over and out.
[IMITATING TRUMPET]
What are we looking for now?
We're looking for a bridge.
A small bridge made of wood.
But first...
What?
We're lost.
[ALL CLAMORING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
What are you going backwards for?
Forward! I know!
There! There!
[ALL SHOUTING]
They went that way!
Where are we going?
According to my calculations,
the main road is straight
ahead.
Well, what's happened
to the bleeding road
then?
There's a war on.
They need the concrete.
Push!
[INAUDIBLE]
Push!
[ALL JEERING]
Any sign of them? I think we're clear.
Where are we now?
If we stick to this road,
we will reach that bridge.
Are you sure?
Leave it to me, mate.
They'll never find us now.
[WHISTLING]
Hey, they're behind us!
They're coming now!
Right.
Let's get out of here.
[WHISTLING]
[WHISTLING]
[WHISTLING]
[WHISTLING]
[GIGGLING]
Sunray, Sunray, come in.
This is Seagull.
Sunray, Sunray,
this is Seagull. Over.
Sunray, calling Sunray,
this is Seagull.
Sir, Seagull's coming through.
Sunray, Sunray, this is Seagull.
There you are, Tony.
Told you they'd do it.
Over.
Seagull? This is Sunray.
Give us your position.
Over.
We have located Blue Rover's nest.
I repeat, Blue Rover's nest.
Over.
Have you, by God?
Do you hear that?
They've run enemy HQ to earth.
This is very good
work indeed, Seagull.
Stand by to receive
attack instructions.
Unload the crates.
And inside them,
you'll find bags
of liquid.
Now, these are your bombs.
Plenty for each of you.
You're to advance
and bombard the area
with these stain bombs.
BOTH: Yes, sir.
And use your bayonets
to destroy the tent.
And finally...
ALL: Yes, sir?
...you will find
blankets and cords
for your hostages.
[STUTTERING] Hostages, sir?
You're to capture
all personnel present
and report to the referee
in the main camp.
Good luck. You've performed
absolutely brilliantly so far.
Over and out.
Well, sir, we did it.
The men, Tony.
Never forget the men.
Our leadership,
but their initiative.
Yes, sir.
[SIGHS]
Well, they've got
a lovely day for it.
[SOLDIERS CHEERING]
Charge!
[ALL SINGING]
[SOLDIERS GROANING]
Oh, God. Come on, push.
Well, it won't be long now
before we see the fruits
of your labors.
I'm afraid some of my seed
may have fallen on stony
ground, sir.
That was a bit careless,
was it not?
What I mean, sir,
is the raw material
was a bit wanting.
Only to be expected.
They're English, aren't they?
[DISTANT SINGING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Enemy camp destroyed, sir.
Well done, Milligan.
We'd almost given you up.
And who are they?
That's the enemy commander
and staff, sir.
Is that so, now?
Sir.
I am the enemy commander.
You are the enemy commander, sir?
That I am.
[LAUGHS]
I mean, you can't...
You are the enemy
commander, sir. Yes.
Well, sir,
there is someone going
round impersonating you.
Oh?
Come with me.
Get him undone!
Milligan!
On your feet. My socks...
Up!
Good morning, sir.
Have you got everything you want?
Oh, no, sir, no.
I haven't got
a Bentley.
Silence!
Who is that? He's my father, sir.
He's a funny man.
Well, he'll have to go. Well, yes, sir.
Where would you like him to go?
I think he'd look
lovely on a piano.
Put him out of my sight.
It's not allowed.
Do you hear?
Pardon? Do you hear?
Hear what, sir?
Look, I'm not
having any private being
a smart aleck at my expense.
No, no, sir.
No expense.
I did it free.
Put this man under arrest,
will you?
But he is, sir.
He is under arrest.
Consider yourself lucky, Milligan.
Tomorrow is your last day here.
Your regiment is
being posted abroad,
and you have been
granted home leave.
Thank you, sir.
And you, madam.
Whatever you do, Sarge,
please don't slam the door.
Hello, Mum. Son!
[AIR-RAID SIREN WAILING]
Look at you. Well?
You've changed.
Well,
just me vest.
I didn't go mad.
Who is it, Kitty? Wait and see, Dad.
Now, mother,
what's that... Hello, Captain.
Terence! Welcome home,
dear lad. Welcome home.
Nice to see you. How's the war going?
All right?
The war is going...
[IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRE]
...and "bang"!
Right. Well,
we're going to dine
in style tonight,
at Le Hotel Anderson.
He means the shelter.Yeah.
Yes, sir. Have you got
my headscarf, Mother?
I haven't got my wig on.
Oh, yes, dear, yes.
[BOMBING]
Yes, I must've mislaid the key.
I'm sorry about that.
They say
there's another
secret passage here...
What do they do?
Well,
what they do
is what they do.
Bless us, oh,
Lord, and these, thy gifts,
which we're about to receive,
through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost.
Amen. Pass the salt, Dad.
There isn't any, son.
The convoy went down.
Nevertheless,
you can partake
of this frugal meal
flown from the four
corners of the Empire
by His Majesty's Air Force.
God bless the man.
Makes you feel good
to be British, Mum.
I do hope they're
feeding you well, son.
Yeah. Yeah. Of course they are.
Of course they are. Really?
There's plenty more
of these lease-lend
eggplant if you want it.
Could I have more tea,
Mum, please?
How do you take your
tea these days, son?
Wartime strength, Dad.
[BOMBING STOPS]
They've stopped bombing.
Even the Germans
have to eat sometimes.
I've got a surprise
for you, Terence.
Chateau Liversan, 1934.
He won it in a raffle.
Yeah.
It's at shelter temperature.
Thanks, Dad.
Now, remember,
we've always
been a close family,
never been parted before.
Anyhow, let's hope
that after this war
we're still together,
and happy, and in one piece.
Till it's over, then,
let's drink a toast
to the family,
to the Milligans.
[EXPLOSION]
By God, that's great stuff.
Run out and buy
another raffle ticket.
Dad, don't move.
Give us a handkerchief, Mum. Don't move?
I have
no interest in moving.
The rent here is cheap.
Just hold that there.
I'll get some cotton wool.
[ALARM BELL CLANGING SOFTLY]
Good heavens.
Good heavens.
[ALL SINGING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Have one on me, sir! Up yours, Milligan!
See you later, sir! Good luck, dear sir.
And all who sail in her, eh?
Look out, Neville!
She's not much, sir!
She just lies there
and chews the pillow!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hello, doll!
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[INAUDIBLE]
You are watching the time, sir?
Oh, thank you very much,
Sergeant. Yes, thank you.
I'll just have a word
with them before I go.
I'll get them nice
and quiet for you, sir.
All right, could we have
a bit of quiet, lads?
Everyone!
Nice and quiet, please.
At the back. Nice and quiet.
Major Drysdale would like
to have a few words with you.
Thank you, son.
Gentlemen, thank you very
much indeed for the drink.
I'd just like to have
a few words with you
because it'll probably be
the last opportunity
I shall have.
This regiment has an
appointment with the Boche.
And, as you know,
the Royal Regiment
always keeps its appointments.
Yes!
Yes, sir.
No one's pretending
that it's going to be
an easy job. It isn't.
But amongst the fighting men
of the world,
the British soldier is the finest.
ALL: Yes, sir.
Now, always remember that
and the army will be
proud of you.
So far, men,
Jerry has had it
all his own way.
But your turn has now come.
Your cause is just,
so have faith, gentlemen.
Have faith in your God,
trust your officers,
and believe in the great
traditions of your arms,
and there can only be one result.
Complete and total victory.
Hear! Hear!
Hear! Hear!
It's your night, boys.
Enjoy yourselves
and don't do anything
that I wouldn't have
done at your age.
[ALL CHEERING]
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us
Well, here's to a good war, Jack.
Oh, it will be, Colin.
For some of us.
[ALL CLAMORING]
[ALL SINGING]
[SLOW TRUMPET TUNE PLAYING]
[INAUDIBLE]
[SIGHS]
All right, lads!
Right down the front.
Turn round the corner,
then straight down to the end.
Left, right, left.
Left, right, left.
[ALL SINGING]
[BARKING ORDERS]
Keep right back while
the train comes in,
all right?
Right,
make a nice,
neat pile, lads.
In here, come on.
Nice neat pile.
That's it. That's it.
You know interchangeable,
like, with each other.
Come on! Let's go.
It'll all be over.
LARRY: You got your
bucket and spade, Sarge?
Hey, hey!
You just watch it, you.
[ALL CHATTERING]
He's right.
He's right. Listen.
Listen to Pongo.
Pongo knows.
They're like that.
Dovetails are like that.
No, look, that's a crevice joint.
Now, a crevice joint...
Stand right back.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Stop pushing, sir!
[ALL CHATTERING]
I'd like to say goodbye to
her, you know, before we go.
Oh, here she is!
SOLDIER: This is Margaret!
[ALL CHEERING]
SOLDIER: Go on, sir. Give her some stick, sir.
Go on! Go on! Go on!
[ALL CHEERING]
One more, sir.
One more.
Come on, one more.
Do it again.
Do it again.
[ALL CHEERING]
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
Right, men,
keep away from
the edge of the platform.
[ALL CHATTERING]
It's just like
going to the seaside.
This is the seaside, you fool.
You know what I mean.
[ALL CHEERING]
Thank you very much.
That's very...
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
We're on our way.
Stop the train!
It's driving me
to death!
Next stop, war.
Get out of the way!
Let's have a look, then.
[ALL SINGING]
MAN ON RADIO: This is
the BBC Home Service.
Here is the 7:00 a.m. news,
and this is Alvar Lidell
reading it.
The occupation of Spitsbergen
by a combined British
and Norwegian task force
is continuing to
meet stiff resistance
from superior German forces.
Heavy casualties are
reported on both sides.
In Oslo, the Nazi...