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Addio fottuti musi verdi (2017) - full transcript

Ciro is a skilled advertising graphic. After various attempts to look for work in Italy, he decides to take part in a contest and send his CV to aliens.


Come in Alpha ship!
We've lost contact with the fleet!

Those green monkeys
from Venus are blowing us to bits.

The scans don't show any trace
of Lieutenant Ruzzo.

Go away!

Help!

Hey, freakin' green gook!

I've had a fucking headache
since this morning.

So, try not to make too much noise...

while you die.

That son of a bitch is alive!

Kick his ass, Lieutenant!

Seriously?

Don't tell me what I can't not do.

Smash his skull...

I found 91 rentals in London...

- Matilda, I don't know if I'm leaving.
- He's not leaving.

You keep doing fuck all
watching your green bullshit.

Well, maybe not at my house
while I'm working on the new logo.

- Room!
- My room, while I'm working on the logo.

Fabio, give me back my house keys.

Apart from the fact that
Lieutenant Ruzzo is not bullshit,

it's not true that I do fuck all, I work.

Wedding videographer with daddy,
the Sorrentino of kitsch.

What song are you using in your video?
"August Sundays When Snow Will Fall"?

No, not Gigi D'Alessio, no!

- Jerk.
- Xenophile.

- Loser.
- Dysfunctional.

- Nerd.
- Dickhead.

I've been friends with Fabio and Matilda
since college.

He's a video maker, a sci-fi freak,

and her, I can never say no to.

Please, I need to... work.

Because I've got a media degree
with three specializations.

Welcome to "Deux Frittures",

the most Neapolitan pizzeria there is.

Mr. Priello!

Five rice balls, four fried zucchini
flowers, seven stuffed olives, two...

- They're coming, Xhang.
- I'm not Xhang, he's Xhang.

I'm Xhang!

Yeah, you all look the same to me...

Hello, Mr. Jang.

This is not a croquette.

This is a fucking Western devil,
burned and damned!

This is Jang Tse Tung,
despotic croquette-thrower.

Yes, burned, I'm sorry, Mr. Jang.

Mr. Jang, it won't happen again.

I know.

I wanted to be a graphic designer,
instead I work in Hell.

I'm a responsible 30-year-old
who has opted to be self-reliant.

Ciro, Mamma's eggplant parmesan's
ready in ten.

Technically they're
two different buildings.

I've ironed your shirts,
the purple one had a stain...

The mail arrives in two different boxes.

You freeload off her Wi-Fi.

- Toke?
- He doesn't smoke.

This is my life,
I live opposite my mother...

Coffee for all three?

My friends bicker on my sofa
and I do graphic design.

But not all my pitches go amazingly.

This is Pietro Felacone,
with the 15th draft I've brought him.

What's this stuff here?

A stylized pea plant.

It looks more like
a broad bean in a trailer.

This is Gennaro. Don't know about you,
but I can't understand what he's saying.

I can't understand him.

He got it wrong with broad beans.

Yadunnowhatyeatsupposedtabepeas...

I don't understand him.

Look, I tried to make it more fun,

so even those
who don't understand the stylization...

I don't like it.

We gotta put a photo on it.

- My face.
- No, the face doesn't work.

- You don't like my face?
- No... maybe small, stylized...

- Stylized like this?
- Maybe do a better drawing.

Do I look like a broad bean?

Does he look like a broad bean?

That's it, keep watching
your bullshit, your aliens.

The probe in the brain...

It's not going to save the world,
but graphics is a dirty game too.

Adios, Freakin' Monsters from Venus.

You've got an alternative,
go back to work with my dad.

- Let's drop it.
- Let's not talk about it at all.

It was a nice little job, everyone happy,

my dad, the newlyweds,
only you fixated on...

The video of those two fatsos is the
most embarrassing thing I've ever done.

It's the highlight of my showreel.

We're flying on the wings of love!

Your showreel sucks.

I don't understand
why you carry it with you.

You take the dog out for a pee,
you might meet a producer...

Parking!

Parking!

Illegal parking attendants.

- Can't we just pay him?
- Shut up, don't move or he'll see you.

BOSS.

Three euros, please.

I can do one euro twenty-five, I think.

Enough for a coffee.

Then we're good,
a coffee's 80 cents.

No. Not this time.

Are we leaving?

One euro, fifty, seventy...

Come on, I'm working here.

Sorry.

Parking!

Send your message into space
and win a ticket

to the premiere of "Adios,
Freakin' Monsters from Venus 3".

Hey, wassup!

Frank.

You're not allowed in here.

Don't tell me what I can't not do.

Legendary!

- Alfredo, how are you?
- Dragging myself towards death.

- And your degree in spatial engineering?
- Full marks.

- Good.
- With honors.

With honors too.

- Why is my beer warm?
- I pissed in it.

You pissed in it?

Poor bastard.

- What do I do?
- It's the contest of the century!

You post a message
and they send it into space.

- How do they do that?
- Fuck if I know.

The winner goes to the premiere.

Of the movie "Adios, Freakin' Monsters
from Venus 3" with the cast.

I sent in a recipe
for eggplant parmesan.

- They take it all: photos, videos.
- Fabio, aliens don't exist.

- And eye witness accounts?
- They're just nutjobs in search of fame.

Now start with the story again...

"They found themselves
with probes in their brains."

- But why is it always in America?
- Are aliens communists?

Aliens.

Please, Ciro, it's the last day.

Action.

If you come, I'll kick your asses.

It doesn't matter how many you are,
'cause we're billions.

And it doesn't matter how mean you are,

'cause we'll always be meaner!

- I think I can do better.
- Your message of friendship?

Who said they want to be friends?
Or what technology they use?

You want me to make a list...?

I'm done, it's late.

I have the presentation tomorrow.

- What's wrong?
- That was mine.

Sorry.

I'll buy you another one.

Maybe a small one.

Even if it doesn't work out tomorrow,

it doesn't mean you absolutely
have to leave with Matilda.

Try to say the magic words:
"Matilda, no."

- Matilda...
- No.

- Do you want a potato chip?
- No.

Good! Take out "potato chip",
replace it with "Matilda".

No! Still hanging in this shithole?

Apart from the fact this shithole...

That's mine, put it down.

- Pizza?
- Yes.

What do you mean, yes?

No! When she asks you a question
you've got to say no.

- Piss-warmed beer, Fabio?
- Sure.

I mean, no...
I want a beer, but hold the piss...

You're getting me drunk.

Ciro! Look what they left...

It doesn't even look like
Naples from here.

Maybe we should have gone higher up.

Michele showed it to me a year ago.

Now he's in America.

Awesome.

I heard that in America

they have pizza with pineapple on it.

Seriously, they put pineapple chunks on
instead of mozzarella.

Guys, no.

- You really can't do it?
- No, pizza with pineapple...

Ciro, I'm leaving tomorrow.

What do you mean, tomorrow?

Listen.

This is our big chance.

You've got 16 degrees, done hundreds
of interviews and you work as a fry cook.

- One degree.
- You stay because you want an alibi.

Nothing works, your job's shit,
so even if you fail,

it wouldn't really be your fault.

It's good here for people like Fabio,
but he's a moron and you're not.

Thank you.

Tell me.

Are you leaving with me?

You ought to answer.

YES.

Excuse me a moment.

- Hello, Mamma?
- Where are you?

I just wanted to say I've left
the lasagne on the windowsill.

Don't be late or you'll eat it cold
and it'll be a lump in your stomach.

I get it, you gotta 90-

Good night and be careful.

Give your little mamma a kiss.

Give Mamma a kiss.

Bye, don't stay out too late.

What a drag, not the light...

Ciro, don't forget the message for
"Adios, Freakin' Monsters from Venus".

"Seeking graphic designer
with portfolio.

Ready to leave immediately for London."

Ciro, don't forget the message for
"Adios, Freakin' Monsters from Venus".

Wait, Dad...

I have to go film

an eighteenth birthday.

Don't forget to send the message.

Michele sent a crap message.

Don't forget the message for "Adios,
Freakin' Monsters from Venus".

We'll do it together,
so if you win, invite me...

Welcome to the site, register
and send your message into space.

Message sent, soldier.

Now all we do is wai...

The Camorra becomes a corporation.

The criminal organization
becomes a joint-stock company

that has decided to offer
many employment opportunities.

Countless career openings
in every sector.

...that is affecting the Western
Hemisphere at the present time.

According to scientists

this phenomenon is caused
by unusual solar perturbations...

There has been no news of the famous
Neapolitan singer Gigi D'Alessio...

His distraught fans
have launched an appeal.

"Gigi, please, come back."

Ciro Priello?

Ciro Priello, with a degree
in communications,

nearly summa cum laude?

Ciro Priello, two masters and three
postgraduate specializations.

Ciro Priello, profession,
graphic designer.

All right, yes!

Don't kill me, Robocop!

Wrong noun. Correct noun: Janine.

Nice to meet you, Ciro.

Would you be so kind as to follow me?

Would you be so kind as to follow me?

Yes, coming.

- But we're in space.
- Incorrect observation.

We are on the spaceship AXCZ-893.

Yes, but the AX...CZ..Y...

So, the spaceship is in space.

Incomplete question, partial reply:
everything is in space.

How did I get here?

Ray-way-conical-ray protocol.

- Why are you here?
- Unauthorized answer.

- Will I die?
- Affirmative.

- Will you kill me?
- Negative.

Backup explanation:

you will die in that you are mortal
with low-quality tissue.

Follow-up information:
you are here for a job interview.

Welcome to the office
of AJ Smith Brandon.

Come in.

Why don't you sit down? Coffee?

Would you bring
one of our famous coffees

to our guest, Janine?

Affirmative.

Well human... being, welcome.

You...

Do you really speak so badly
on your planet?

For us doing less than ten things at once
is a waste of time.

For example, we can talk, text,

hold long-distance conversations,
check work schedules

while carrying out other functions.

For example, I'm pooping as we speak.

Portal Pants, your poo
goes straight to Dimension X.

Where's Dimension X?

Not my problem.

On the other hand,
you're not here to talk about...

Seated.

...excrement.

We received your résumé,

so you are a creative

and that is a...

good thing.

Because all the graphic designers
on our planet died.

Died?

Evolution, they call it,
you would have heard about it.

It's that process where we tend to

discard everything that's useless.

How come you speak my language?

While you were asleep we installed

a simultaneous translator in your arm,

so you now understand languages...

You can also speak faster and normally.

Good, so I can show you
the evolution of our agency logo.

- First it was square...
- Open hologram...

- You're an agency?
- We deal with energy.

Modestly speaking,
we're a leader in the field

and this is good for the universe
and now for you too.

For me?

I mean, in terms of work.

Coffee at destination.

Sugar?

Yes, please.

MY Proposal

as boss of this company is this:

design a new logo.

Do not answer straightaway,

your answer is undermined

by an inexplicably high rate of emotion.

Know that from now on

it is forbidden to reveal
our existence to your race.

Janine!

Laboratory!

- I refuse everything.
- Stand up.

I'm not letting any probes
be put in my brain.

Kid, we're offering you
a contract as a graphic designer.

And we're not sticking any probes

in any brains.

Probe activated.

What a curious race.

All passengers,
boarding is about to commence

for the flight leaving for London.

For security reasons, please
present your boarding pass

together with your ID...

Don Alfonso!

Carmela!

100 grams of prosciutto,
a pack of cigarettes

and change from 10 euros.

Send the basket down.

Shit, the presentation!

- Piripiello, come.
- Priello.

How often do I have to tell you?
My name's Priello.

Now, that's really made my day.

We've discussed my work for your logo
from many points of view

and at last I'm convinced
that my latest effort

will without doubt meet your approval.

- I've picked a green that...
- I don't like.

It's too small.

And besides, it looks like
a broad bean in a trailer.

Look it's small for a very simple reason,

your can is small

and if I put a bigger face on it

people would think
that your face is inside.

What's so funny?

It's the conceptual seed
the pea grows from.

The pea grows out of my face?

Listen up, you little fart.

My uncle would like to know
if you are respectfully mocking him.

In terms of graphics a small
and stylized image is more effective

than a large and vulgar one...

My face,

as big as this,

must be on here.

I can't do it.

It's more complicated than you think.

Also because it's impossible...

- You need to understand...
- I don't want to understand shit.

Trust me, I understand
quite a lot about this stuff.

Maybe it's not clear to you that you need
to follow only and exclusively

our guidelines.

But I understand you.

Are you making fun of my person?

Incredible, he's solved
his little speech defect.

If this fart doesn't stop mocking me...

...throw him into the street.

Well?

Fart face?

I have no moral reservations against

procuring physical pain to your person.

My face, this big,

can you do it?

YES.

God be blessed on high in heaven.
He agreed.

But I won't do it.

- Titò...
- What is it?

I can't understand a fucking thing
when you speak.

What were you three years ago?
What will you be in ten?

What have you always been
deep in your heart?

Ciro, want a coffee?

I have the same answer
for each of these questions.

I am...

a graphic designer.

I'm ready, conical ray!

Beam me outta here!

Yes!

I hope the ray-way
didn't make you uncomfortable.

For anything at all,
you can always count our... Janine!

- There won't be any need.
- Multipass.

Here we are.

Multipass valid.

Welcome aboard, kid.

Welcome aboard the spaceship...

- My God!
- You know him too?

It's universally recognized
that open-plan working space

increases productivity

and productivity
is the basis for quality of life.

There must be
at least thirty of you in here.

"30"... is the empirical proof
of how your mathematical numeration

is completely distant from ours.

Impressive, don't you think?

Frankly, I don't.

Our Brandon loves you.

Coffee helps you work better.

Guys, I'm taking my break,
anyone want a coffee?

Coffee for everyone!

Light.

Good, let's continue our star trip.

Brandon, what are haloes for... lights?

Concentration stimulators.

The guide light can ease your workload
and since work is life,

the light square saves lives.

Light.

- Why does everyone have plants?
- The plants feed off the guide light.

To work you need a guide light,

the more guide light you use,
the more the plant grows.

It's an excellent system
for assigning promotions.

But now you need
to attend to this small formality,

that is, to sign the contract.

It is forbidden to hire workers
without a contract,

we're not on Pegasus,
a very backward planet,

where workers offer their labor
with no contracts, no rights.

All this is amazing.

I've been dreaming of working
in a place like this all my life.

Oh God! That man,
that alien, that thing...

He's in danger!

No, it's just one of our guys
using the anger suit.

I don't get it.

It's galactically proven that anger
reduces productivity by 50%.

Negative energy needs discharging,

our suit insulates the outburst,
preventing the negative energy

from invading and corrupting
the environment.

Fucking fuck off, fuckety fuck!

Humungous assholes!

- Anger discharged.
- Cool, huh?

If I may ask...
How many aliens are there on board?

Kid, here the only alien is you.

And the invisible intern on the bridge.

Jimmy, you farted again!

Sorry.

Fuck!

I could even taste that one on my palate.

- Aliens? I don't believe it!
- What's so weird about it?

At last, you're into science fiction too.

No, it's for work, I have to design
a logo and I need inspiration.

I want to develop a space theme.

So, the meeting with Felacone
went well?

And they're paying you?

Peas and science fiction, that works.

That was mine.

Sorry, I'll buy you another one.

Two pale ales.

Let's get started.

To do a good space logo

you need to know all about space.

Interconnected mental hologram...

Chapter 1: Alien Nutrition.

Aliens eat whatever provides energy,
metal, manure...

- Other aliens.
- Manure.

Other aliens.

We synthesize everything
our systems need into this.

Do you know what we need
to work better?

Pizza.

Chapter 2: Alien Reproduction.

Many of them self-reproduce.

Our genitals are connected via wireless.

We have sex with whoever's
on our network,

like me and you, all day,
just like now.

How do you mean, wireless?

I'm coming, conical ray.

- Coffee?
- Thanks.

_ Sugar?
' No!

Chapter 3: Alien Weapons.

The long-range ones are based
on nuclear technology,

the personal ones are lasers,
like lightsabers in movies.

What are movies?

Haven't you ever seen a movie?

Let me rip you a few extra assholes.

It's just a movie.

Kid, never bring
your friend Movie on board.

Chapter 4:

Alien Knowledge.

Dimension X, reached.

Capsule reloaded.

The aliens have knowledge
superior to ours.

You're early.

Concerning space, the galaxy
and the entire universe.

My mother would go crazy
for that vacuum cleaner.

Everything ends up
in Dimension X, right?

They know how big the universe is
and its shape?

Where is this Dimension X?

That's not our problem!

Coffee helps you work better.

The universe is infinite,
everyone knows that.

Sugar?

No, Janine, no sugar!

- What doesn't go on pizza?
- Pineapple.

Down with pineapple.

Pizza.

How come I'm out of pizza?

Mother-fucking assholes!

You're assholes!
Fuck yourselves! Fuckety fuck!

Brandon, I've got one last question

to ask you.

You've traveled so much,

you've got this technology
that's so advanced.

I was wondering,

does God exist?

- Listen, kid, the existence of God...
- No wait!

Don't tell me! Sorry, I wasn't ready.

The existence of God...

Pardon.

You know and you tell me.

I'm ready.

The existence of God...

Mr. Priello?

Your first paycheck has been wired.

Who's drinking my coffee?

Don't touch my coffee.

You're dickheads,
I told you not to touch my coffee.

The existence
of the one you call God is true...

At that moment...

I didn't understand whether God exists,

but if he had ever wanted to give me
a sign that he existed,

I think he chose the best one possible.

I could pay the power bills!

I could even have
my own internet connection!

And at last..

at last...

I could quit the fry shop.

And this is all that there is to know

about the existence of God.

Excuse me a moment,

I have something more important to do.

What a curious race.

Young man, will you be much longer?

This is just the beginning!

Young man, will you be much longer?

Alfred, you in charge
of collecting leftovers.

You take leftover
from customer's plate, wash

and put it in plate of other customers.

I like this job, Mr. Xhang.

He's not Xhang.

He's Xhang.

- I'm Xhang.
- Thank you.

Run away, Alfredo,

this place doesn't deserve you.

You're back, Priello.

I came to resign, Jang.

I'm not Jang.

Fuck you!

Let us pray to the Madonna
and San Gennaro

because we've got kind hearts,

but when someone
makes a mistake, it's over!

Now you all know.

Order your food!

You're a legend!
I'm his best friend!

We're all behind you, asshole!

You should have seen Jang's face
when I quit.

"The winner of the 'Adios,
Freakin' Monster from Venus' contest

is Ciro Priello."

That's crazy...

- Will you take me to the premiere?
- Sure.

You quit?

- What's that face for?
- So you'll come back to work with Dad?

Mention that video with those two fatsos
and I'll bring Frank.

Did the Felacones give you a contract?

Frank, beer!

More than one.

Beer!

You alright, Ciro?

Yeah.

Half an hour for the toast,
and we didn't drink yet.

Get up.

At least my English has improved,

now I know the Office suite by heart.

And it's true,
pizza with pineapple is gross.

You're not going back straightaway,
you're staying for a few days?

I'm not going back at all,
I had a shitty time in London.

I have to look for something here.

Awesome.

That you're staying,
not that you had a shitty time in London.

I'm glad to be back with you.

I've been wanting
to tell you something for ages

and I think the right moment has come.

I've got something to tell you too.

Good.

- I love you.
- I sent you an email.

- An email?
- With my updated résumé.

Buy a rose?

Think how cool, working together.

- Two roses, 4 euros.
- No, we're brother and sister.

- Let's go speak to them together.
- Who?

I married my sister too.
I gave her a thousand flowers.

That's your problem.

Put in a good word with Felacone.

It's not up to me.

- Three roses, 6 euros.
- We're brother and sister.

Got it.

Do you take the subway?

They've opened a new, modern station,

it's like being in Sweden.

In Sweden.

Anyway, Matilda...

No.

What do you mean, no?

You can't come to work with me.

I'll look for something else.

Someone like you should be able to find
something interesting.

And your English has improved.

Pizza?

No, I'm tired, I'm going home.

ONE MONTH LATER...

Thanks...

Thanks to everyone for coming.

Without further ado,
we'll let the images speak.

Here's my logo

for your agency.

Open hologram.

Holy Mothers!

Amazement detected.

- Close hologram.
- Enthusiasm detected.

A square without angles, genius.

Never in the history of our agency

have we had such a beautiful logo.

I was right about you being a genius.

I saw your plant,

we've got someone here
who deserves a promotion.

Awesome.

I'll see you in my office.

That night, up there in the universe,

I understood what Earth
had that was so extraordinary.

Me!

I'd had the courage to dare, to grow.

Unlike Fabio,

who at that hour would still have been
waiting for me at the opening.

Fuck, Fabio!
Why am I still smiling?

Oh, right, it's in slow motion.

I'll realize soon... Not now...

There, now.

Huge crowd on opening
night for the third chapter

of "Adios,
Freakin' Monsters from Venus",

the film that promises
a more serious plot

than previous films.

The megastar Ruzzo Simone,

currently on the set of his new film
"Dramatic Horse",

with his new female star on his arm...

I know you're pissed,
you've every right to be.

Take back your fucking keys.

Don't be like that, let's talk.

Fuck off.

You've never given a shit about me.

That DVD I gave you of "Adios,
Freakin' Monsters from Venus 2"

you didn't even open it.

I've been busy.

I'm sorry.

You're an asshole,
actually no, you're a dickhead.

I've been working.

- I had to work too.
- It's different for me.

I didn't tell you about the presentation.

Your work's more important than mine?

I'll just say this,
you work with your dad.

Until yesterday no one could touch you
you were so greasy.

You said it,

until yesterday.

I've evolved,

unlike some, still relying
on Daddy to give them shitty jobs!

Fabio...

Wait.

Don't do this.

Don't tell me what I can't not do.

Don't tell me what I can't not do.

Did I say it right? My accent's so-so.

Matilda, what are you doing?

You're right, I apologized.

- You can shove your apologies!
- I didn't do it on purpose.

Fuck you!

Assholes!

Imagine I'm saying
a really kick-ass line here.

Run!

Lieutenant, you can't go alone.

What are you going to do?

Kill the leader and you kill them all.

The cannon is activated from within.

Tell the soldiers out there...

Lieutenant, I love you!

...that we need to stick together.

A memory support.

Two more creatives?

They're the best,
together we'll do great things.

We're a team.

If they have a tenth of your talent,

they are welcome.

Your logo, as well as...

Open hologram.

...beautiful

is also universal.

And that's a good thing,

because it can be used on more items,

like shoes, sides of spaceships,

uniforms, cannons,

onboard computers...

So many satisfactions, it's incredible.

Did you say cannons?

It looks like you're
getting ready to strike Earth.

What's the cannon for?

It's just an impression,
an optical illusion

and that's a good thing
seeing as we won't do it...

before noon the day after tomorrow.

What?

It's just an impression,
an optical illusion

and that's good seeing as we won't do it
before noon the day after tomorrow.

What?

What does that mean?

We're going to destroy your planet, kid.

Why?

- You know why.
- You never told me anything.

Sure I did.

The existence of the one you call God
is real.

God is the owner of the largest
multinational energy corporation

which we work for.

He gave us the order,

if you don't settle your debt
for solar energy

you'll be destroyed...

And this is all there is to know

about the existence of God.

But there's got to be an alternative.

The only one who can stop all this...

is me.

But it's unthinkable, I'd be failing
to meet my work obligations.

There's no solution

except total payment of the debt.

You wish for pizza?

How much is the debt?

77 thousand million billion zorks.

77 thousand million billion zorks.

But that's enormous!

It's not enormous,
it's only right,

you've been bumming solar energy
for centuries.

Sure you don't want pizza?

No, thank you.

You can't wipe out seven billion lives
just like that.

It's full of people
who don't deserve to die.

Sure, there are assholes, murderers,

Chinese... God, how I hate the Chinese!

All look the same, always working,
you can't tell them apart,

they exploited me,
they threw croquettes at me...

But it's also full of people
who don't deserve to end up like this.

That's not my problem.

- Pizza?
- No, thank you.

Excuse me a moment.

For fucking fuck's sake,
fucking fuck it!

Asshole!

You need to understand
that all this is...

The logical consequence
when you ignore

all the overdue payment notices you get.

We even sent
one of our emissaries to Earth,

ZX 873 Omega, to deal with you

and you reduced him to a sad amoeba.

Gigi D'Alessio?

He's always crying.

Gigi D'Alessio is an alien?

Not to mention the latest irreverent

and provocative messages...

If you come, we'll kick your ass

and it doesn't matter how many you are,
we are billions!

It doesn't matter how mean you are...

And of course, Fabio had to be there.

You yourself understand
there's no choice

except total...

destruction!

Pizza?

No, thank you.

You're right, a debt is a debt.

And a deadline is a deadline.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to pack.

Curious race.

Margherita.

Pizza!

34:52:10
TO EARTH'S DESTRUCTION

To the aliens we looked like small fry,
but they were wrong.

I would gather the largest army
in human history

and we would kick their ass.

The first thing to do
when the world is in danger

is to inform law enforcement.

The aliens are about to destroy
the Earth,

we only have a few hours!

No offense, but we need the army.

Will you call them?

21:47:31
TO EARTH'S DESTRUCTION

In my cell, I realized
there was only one thing left to do,

turn to the big boss: God!

Father, the Earth is in danger!

Only you can help me.

...as we also have forgiven our debtors

and lead us not into temptation

but rescue us from evil, amen.

After three "Hail Marys", four "Lord's
Prayers" and an encore of "Hosanna",

I realized that
when it's absolutely an emergency,

there's only one thing left to do,
turn to your friends.

- What do you want?
- Your help.

- What do you want?
- Your help.

Go away.

You can't imagine everything
that's happened.

That night I really was coming
to meet you, I swear...

I felt so bad it made me sick
to my stomach, here.

I don't believe you.

You want the truth?

I was kidnapped by aliens.

They hired me as a graphic designer...

I saw the Earth from up there,
totally awesome!

They want to destroy us
with a cannon aimed at Earth!

Only you and me can save it!

Let's go kick their ass.

How can you believe this bullshit
and not that I was sorry?

Dad, tonight I can't.

I've got to save the Earth!

Can't you call Tonino?

What's he there for? We pay him too.

14:59:24
TO EARTH'S DESTRUCTION

- How many tentacles do they have?
- Never mentioned tentacles.

Aliens who hide their true nature,
a classic.

What time does
the conical ray come by?

At dawn, but it's not a bus.

There are a lot of them up there

and if they have a weapon powerful
enough to blow up a planet...

What does Lieutenant Ruzzo
say in the film

when they threaten to blow up Mlikovic?

"Every atom has its nucleus
and every fire has its spark.

- Kill their leader..."
- And you'll kill them all.

So, you watched it.

YES.

How was it?

Fantastic!

"The only one
who can stop all this is me."

He's the one who activates the cannon.

We eliminate their leader
and the Earth is saved.

- We'll need big guns.
- I've got something better.

- What is it?
- I stole it from the spaceship.

Whatever it hits ends up in Dimension X.

- Where's Dimension X?
- It's not their problem.

- We'll mount it on toy guns.
- I'm coming too.

He was telling a joke about aliens.

I heard everything, jackasses.

How the hell can you believe
this bullshit, it's ridiculous.

- I'm coming.
- No.

Better three than two.

Better two.

Please, no means no.

- Don't change your mind.
- I'm saying no.

Matilda, no.

I'd rather risk my life
than not see you come back.

Can I come?

- Yes.
- What do you mean, yes? No means no.

I've been wanting to tell you something,
I tried the other night.

At that party,
in the first year of college,

when I showed up with Giulia,

truth is I would rather
have been with you.

- You liked me?
- I like you, I always have.

I never noticed.

Knock it off,

you led him on.

Me too, that night at the party,

instead of spending the night
in the bathroom with Dario,

I would rather have been with you.

Holy Mother.

But maybe it's best this way,

we didn't spoil our friendship.

Exactly.

Don't spoil your friendship,
sex ruins relationships.

It's not desire that... I forget...

Keep your distance.

My golden fried ass!

All right.

But let's take guns.

They're toy guns.

We've only got one capsule,
only one gun will work for real.

I'll take it.

Don't shoot if it's not necessary.

Don't shoot.

I said not to let her come.

Let's recap...
Will you stop pointing that thing at me?

The conical ray will take us up to the
ship, first we'll stop off at my place...

Boss, please.

We haven't got any change.

- Roll it down.
- We're in a hurry.

- Money for a coffee.
- We haven't got any change.

Stop busting my balls!

It works.

Douche bag!

01:00:01
TO EARTH'S DESTRUCTION

Follow me.

Matilda!

Guys!

Fabio, let's go.

- We're on a spaceship.
- What did you expect?

- In space.
- Yes, a spaceship in space...

Stay focused.

- On a spaceship.
- Fabio!

This isn't a movie.

A spaceship.

Left.

Hey, kid.

About that question you asked last time,
Dimension X is...

It's at the end of...

Left.

The fuck are you doing?

He had a horrible voice.

Shit, you don't have
a simultaneous translator.

Why, do you have one? That's bullshit.

Intruder alert.

- What's it saying?
- Aliens on board.

- That there are aliens on board.
- We noticed.

We're the aliens, dickbrain.

Creatives...

You offer them a job
and they point weapons at you.

Now I understand why they're extinct.

Janine.

We must fire him.

Firing procedure activated.

Fifteen minutes
until the destruction of Earth.

Fifteen minutes until Earth is destroyed,
guess whose fault that is!

Brandon must have blocked
my multipass.

- The head alien's name is Brandon?
- We need another pass.

Is it coming from Beverly Hills?

Take your time,
they're only about to blow up the Earth!

I know who can help us.

00:14:44
TO EARTH'S DESTRUCTION

Welcome to the room

of employee ZX 873 Omega.

Is that Gigi D'Alessio?

Gigi D'Alessio's a fucking alien!

Let me do it.

I know how you feel.

They sent you to our planet,

you discovered music,

you fell in love with it.

Then they brought you back here

and took it away from you...

Gigi, I need your pass.

Without that pass,
tons of people are going to die,

Annarè will die too...

Stop playing, I'm talking.

- I'll try.
- Stop!

It's so cold

Hold me tight

Re-ignite all the desires

That have almost died in me

I'll say the things I never said

Good, sing.

We'll be the angels

of this love.

Like that.

Sundays in August

how much snow will fall

And in times to come.

Sing.

My heart will surprise you

Yes!

The hell does that mean, Sundays...?

Guys.

Take me with you.

- Yes.
- No.

I mean, really, not Gigi D'Alessio.

We can't take everybody.

- What the fuck is that?
- That's Janine, my secretary.

Ciro Priello, you're fired.

- You're fired.
- Don't worry.

My music will save the world.

Annarè!

How much snow will fall.

About time.

You're all fired.

Run!

Annarè protocol archived.

Fabio, the multipass.

This is where I work.

Remain calm and keep working.

Can I have my gun back?

Go!

You won't save Earth.

You won't save Earth.

Fabio!

They won't save it.

Come here!

Don't tell me

what I can't

not do!

Portal Pants, for a clean evacuation.

I told you not to bring her.

Fabio!

Goodbye.

Ciro!

He was my best friend!

Take it out on me!

I'm gonna screw
your alien momma's ass, bitch!

Imagine I'm saying
a really kick-ass line here.

Janine!

What I'd give for a good coffee.

Intruder alert.

He who laughs last, laughs...

What have you done?
You're such a dickhead.

It was the wrong gun.

Thank you.

I'd like a nice coffee.

Firing procedure

deactivated.

Coffee delivered.

- Sugar?
- Yes.

One million teaspoons.

We've gained some time.

We've lost the only gun that worked.

Yes, but they don't know that.

Is it disgusting?

Holy mother!

The water goes through the pipes

and the filter needs changing.

10,800 teaspoons.

Pizza!

Welcome to the office

of AJ Smith Brandon.

Game over, Brandon.

I didn't think you'd get this far.

That's surprising for...
human beings.

- What did he say?
- A compliment.

That doesn't change things,

Earth will be destroyed.

- What did he say?
- Threats.

I think that,
although between different races

like us,

it's possible to find a solution
that everybody agrees on.

- What did he say?
- Proposal.

Don't load it every time.

I can't help myself.

Here's my proposal,

three employment contracts

for our earthling friends.

Open hologram.

What are they?

Contracts.

Employment contracts.

A contract?

Oh, my God!

Just then

we clearly saw

how our lives would be.

Career opportunities,

benefits,

respect.

Holiday bonuses,

I'll be able to get a mortgage.

My eggplant parmesan is too rich?

We also realized

that we had the defect

of being three fucking

heroes!

My showreel!

- Memory support.
- Is that a no?

Open hologram.

Whatever you want to show me, kid,
remember time's running out.

Today, I became your husband,
I want to make you dream.

- We'll go to Paris on our honeymoon.
- But we can't afford it.

We'll fly on love.

Darling, do you trust me?

Of course!

What's that sound?

It's unbearable!

We're flying on the wings of love.

I'll make you dream.

See all those stars?

They're so big...

- And they're flying!
- Towards us.

I told them about your existence.

They're only a small part of the army
heading for the ship.

The biggest army of all time.

- And of all universes.
- They shoot lasers from their eyes.

And they're stronger
than ten nuclear fissions.

How does nuclear fission come into it?

Shut up.

This time you're right, kid,

we can't handle them.

It's over, Brandon.

The only solution is...

Accelerated countdown.

Elimination of earth debt imminent.

- It looked like a...
- A broad bean.

- Stop it!
- No, a debt's a debt.

- What did he say?
- You're a murderer!

I'm just doing my job,
you're in debt, you just had to pay up!

- What did he say?
- That we had to pay.

How much?

77 thousand million billion zorks.

- 77 thousand million billion zorks.
- How much the fuck is that?

Calculating the half-yearly usage
and the exchange rate...

Quickly!

Hurry UP!

37 euros.

37 euros?

Can't we sort out this situation?

Can't we sort out this situation?

Twenty seconds to destruction.

- It's all the money I've got left.
- I've got 10 euros.

Thirteen, twelve...

We're one euro short.

Just for a change.

Debt cleared, retract cannon.

Exit right side.

I'll process the debt cancellation
at once and send it

via fax.

So we can leave this planet.

You've got a fax?

I believe in two things, kid, that God
pays well and the fax will live forever.

We've...

We've saved Earth!

And I put in one euro.

Dickhead.

A euro's still a euro.

By the power invested in me,

I declare you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

You love each other
and have decided to tie the knot?

But you don't want to settle
for a ceremony like all the others?

Come to us,

for a sci-fi wedding!

I'm the one on the right.

WITH US YOUR WEDDING BECOMES
SCI-FI!

No matter how far you go, the main thing
is to believe in your ideas

and maybe do it with good friends.

At last,
I don't live opposite my mother,

sooner or later you've got to cut
the umbilical cord.

That's what she told me
the day she left,

she said she needed
to turn her life around.

She moved to Brussels
but continues to think of me.

Mamma, it's too much,
I'll never eat it all.

You look washed out.

Please, eat up.

But it's still warm, how do you do it?

My long-distance relationship
with Matilda went really well,

for the first three days.

She married the invisible ex-intern
and she's happy.

Jimmy is the right man... alien,
I mean, he's right for her.

They've got a son, AZX C9,
who's invisible too.

Fuck you!

Alfredo, come back this instant!

I didn't give you permission to fly!

Fuck you!

The Felacones finally found
a solution to their problem.

I figured out what the problem was,
it wasn't the photo...

It was the can!

TYPO...

You're a genius.

As for Brandon,

even though he's resumed traveling
the three universes,

he did take something with him
from Earth.

- Sugar?
- Ten teaspoons, please.

As for the rest, everything's the same.

More or less.

That was mine.

Sorry, I'll buy you another one.

I've got an idea
for the kids' videos.

Zombie winged dinosaurs.

I'm all ears.

There's a kid on a dinosaur's tail,
as he climbs, he grows.

When he gets to eighteen,
the dinosaur flies.

Let's put in a scene where a dinosaur
bites a seventeen-year-old,

ushering him into maturity...

I mean, it seems to me
my life's going great.

I saved the Earth,
I have a respectable job,

so even if things are going badly,
you're far from home and nostalgic,

when you think it's all over,

remember that nothing is impossible,

that the worst thing you can do
is lose your optimism.

DIMENSION X
South-East Quadrant

Your Majesty,

I bear great news.

Look what we found in the trash.

What's that whiff of shit?

Money for a coffee? Parking?

What kinda car you got, man?

At last we know who's been crapping
on us for millennia.

Prepare the fleet.

The invasion of Earth begins.

Want me to park the spaceship?

No problem, three euros, please.