Accidents Happen (2009) - full transcript

Some people wouldn't
know thelr ass

from an alr
condltloner.

Take M r. Smolensky.

Desplte overwhelmlng
stupldlty,

hls death certlflcate
wlll say "accldent. "

Bllly Conway, on the
other hand, was smart.

Stlll, wlth all
hls Intelllgence,

Bllly thought M r.
Smolensky was danclng.

Bllly's
commonsense prevalled,

but commonsense Is never enough
to keep you safe, my frlends.

Because the world Is,
qulte slmply, dangerous.



Glorla Conway would have
never forglven herself

If somethlng had happened
to one of her chlldren.

M rs. Smolensky held no
such concern for her husband.

He had been a phllanderer and a drunk,

and she consldered hls
death a welcome dlvorce.

Sometlmes bad thlngs can
happen for a good reason.

And sometlmes,
thlngs just happen.

The Conways were your
average, unremarkable famlly.

They rallled around Bllly after
the nelghbour's Inclneratlon,

and In the evenlng they
enjoyed a movle together.

I didn't know there
was anybody behind me.

Bllly felt safe between hls twln brothers,
Gene and Larry. They weren't bothered at all

because they had once wltnessed a
motorcycle stunt go horrlbly wrong.

Llnda felt snug
next to her Dad.



And whlle Ray Conway
was a good father,

It was Glorla who took most
responslblllty for the famlly's wellbelng.

The Three Stooges
was her Idea.

If she were more flexlble, she'd
be klcklng herself rlght now.

Don't go away, Moe.

Gene had an uncanny
talent for mlschlef,

and hls concern for Bllly
Insplred hls most darlng prank yet.

Billy, come on down.
Where the hell is Gene?

And when Douglas Post arrlved,

the stage was set.

Hey, Gene, wait for me.

It's just a movle, yeah? It's
just all make belleve, okay?

Dld you flnd Gene?
He's dlsappeared.

And Little Lord Bad I nfluence
just flew by on his bike.

Doug was off llmlts after he and
Gene drove the Prlnclpal's car

Into the school
swlmmlng pool.

But stlll, nobody
expected this.

Wow.

Like a big potato.

Hey, Doug. J ust in time
to see all hell break loose.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna pee.

Oh, my God. I swear to
God, if shit were brains,

that kld would eat
hls head for dlnner.

Yeah!

Glorla dldn't
just turn a phrase.

She fllpped It on Its back
and klcked the shlt out of It.

Eugene Oonway!

You get down from there now before
I turn your llttle ass Into a-

Gene and Doug got
Into serlous trouble.

Three pollce cars came,
but It was worth It

because Bllly had forgotten all about
the dead nelghbor humplng the sprlnkler.

So, what did the cops
have to say, M r. Moviemagic?

They said that Moe
was a friend of theirs,

and if I peed out of his
head again they'd shoot me.

What are we gonna
do with him?

Give him to the Jehovah Witnesses next
time they come around for a donation.

There's a lot of asphalt out
there. Slow down. It's ralnlng.

I am slowed down.

Slow down more.

And don't think for one
second, little M r. Big DeaI,

you're playlng In the
champlonshlps thls weekend.

But Mal

Don't "Ma" me. I don't remember
giving birth to a horse's ass.

But we'II lose!

Not if you play
as good as Gene.

Shut up, Billy.

Stop it!

Leave us alone.
I'm not hurting anyone!

Billy, carefuI!
What are you doing?

Accldents happen
when you least expect.

Care, vlgllance and
luck cannot prevent them.

Although seatbelts In thls Instance
would have certalnly helped.

Accldents are
a fact of llfe,

and very bad accldents

have a charmlng way
of not seemlng real.

For every traglc accldent,
there Is a good luck story.

But that balance
can take years to occur.

And that's the way
It was wlth the Conways.

Llnda had dled,

and Gene was In
a nurslng home.

Bllly came here to
remember happler tlmes,

but they were gettlng
harder to recall.

I n your room with
those. Dinner's ready.

Why so early?

Did you forget you have
baseball practice?

I was trying to.

What are we having?

Ah, dinner.
I told you.

I mean what, exactly?

I don't think it's
anything exactly.

Tell Larry it's ready.

Oan't we leave
a plate by his door?

You want a riot?

Larry! It's feeding time.

Larry grew up lost.

He dldn't really
have much cholce.

Belng Gene's twln was
all he had golng for hlm.

You've outdone yourself.

Do me a favor, will you?

H it your goddamn father over
the head with a baseball bat.

Each member of the famlly
developed thelr own way to cope.

Bllly learned
not to feel,

whlch clearly
had Its beneflts.

Ray dldn't cope.
He walked out.

Most of Bllly's contact wlth
hlm now Involved head wounds.

And Glorla struggled to
put the past behlnd her.

It was not uncommon to flnd
Llnda's furnlture In the yard.

M rs. Smolensky should have
been an example to them.

She had gotten over
her husband long ago.

Buster Blll I

Oh, my goodness,
are you all right?

It's nothing,
M rs. Smolensky.

J ust my naturaI
charm revealing itself.

Bllly was showlng off
hls baseball skllls.

It was quite a display.

Ma?

H i. I'm Dottie.

Douglas Post's mother.

I found your mother in the
front yard. She's been having-

Bllly I

Hey, I'm fine. I just, I
strained myself trying to move-

Hello.

Oh, my God, look. It's the spokesmen
for the Useless Bastards Club.

What brings you here?

U h-

Oome here.
Let me see.

God. Jesus. He was supposed
to crack you with the bat.

J ust trying to show Dad
how much I love baseball.

So, let me be clear. If thls
happens In a practlce sesslon,

what the hell are you gonna
do to him in a reaI game?

It was an accident.

Are you all rlght?

You mean speaking
of accidents?

Gloria, don't start.

My husband
wants a divorce.

Yeah, he wants
to move on.

Start a new wife.

Billy.

Oh, I guess you didn't find a
really good time to tell him.

I mean, what, with
the concussion and all.

Billy, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm so stupid.

I thlnk It would be
best for everybody.

Don't mind
my husband here.

He has hls head rammed
so far up hls ass,

that every time he blinks,
it tickles his fancy.

Where's Larry?
We could use a hand I

Not here.

Is he visiting Gene?

If you did that once in a
while, you might feeI better.

And if my grandmother had
balls, she'd be my grandfather.

You leave that! Don't
you touch it. Put it down.

Billy can take care of
it. We don't need you.

Oh, do me one favor,
though. On your way out,

could you please, please, take the time
to trip over your dead daughter's bicycle?

Are you okay?

Should I call
an ambulance?

No. Oall the NationaI Guard.

This, I think, qualifies as a disaster.

I'm gonna take your mother to the
hospitaI. She's having female problems.

What do you mean?

You can stay
at my house.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

I'm not staying with Dad.

Is that, uh, son of yours,
is he still causing problems?

Do you want
my help or not?

Glorla dldn't
llke taklng help.

It made her feel vulnerable,
and that frlghtened her.

And Dottle's help had
brought Bllly Into contact

wlth Gene's old
frlend, Douglas Post.

The Columbla
englnes wlll be-

It's not every day you
get to see history happen.

Dottie! I'm empty!

H istory is not happening.
It happened the other day.

Don't wlse off, Doug.

They got back alive. That's
what I'm trying to tell you.

Hey, you, play nice
in front of our guest.

Yeah, the other day!

When they made history.

If Oolumbus didn't make it back
after he discovered America,

we wouldn't be slttlng
here watchlng thls on TV.

Isn't that rlght, Bllly?

Your TV's really nice.

We would too be sitting here, 'cause
someone else would've discovered America.

You're not
listening to me, Doug.

Look, it's the
invention of the wheeI,

Ohrist and all
that business,

the discovery of
America by Oolumbus,

the discovery
of gravity,

World War I,
World War I I,

and the moon landing.

That's the history
of the world so far.

Oh, this isn't still on,
is it? What a yawn festivaI.

Oan't we watch Dallas?

We're watching this.

I n the early days
of our republlc,

Amerlcans watched Yankee
cllppers fly across the sky-

You know Billy Oonway from
over at Providence Oourt?

What happened?

Got hit by a baseball.

Ew.

Gene wasn't expected
to survlve the crash,

though It was
debatable that he had.

He could breathe,
and swallow.

He dldn't even
have a sexy nurse.

And If that
wasn't bad enough,

Larry would
sneak In, drunk.

Alcohol helped fuel Larry's
hope that a mlracle mlght occur.

Belng wlth Doug helped Bllly
remember a llfe before the accldent.

Gene and Doug had
been great together,

whether they were
playlng baseball

or turnlng The Three
Stooges Into flve.

And wlth the memorles

came hope that llfe
could be fun agaln.

Doug. Doug.

You were snoring.

I'm sorry.

You miss Gene?

You should try and
get some sleep.

Were you there the time he built the
toilet paper wall across M iami Oourt?

Yeah.

My ass got kicked around the
living room because of it.

Now I call it
the barely living room.

Man, that was Intense.

You're not serious.

My father, he tore
through it in his car

'cause he thought it was
toilet paper. But it wasn't.

Gene strung wire across too and
ripped the windshield wipers off.

Have you been
to see him lately?

It's only family allowed.

Really? That sucks.

Well, you're not gonna take
that Iying down, are you?

H urry upl

# Older brother Restless soul Lle down #

Qulck.

# Lle for a whlle wlth your
Ear agalnst the earth #

The buzzer.

# And you'll hear Your
slster sleep Talklng say #

# Your halr Is long But
not long enough To reach #

Qulck, qulck, qulck.

# Home to me #

# And she'll wake up I n
a cold sweat on The floor #

# Next to a famlly Portralt
drawn when You were four #

Thank you.
How thoughtfuI.

Oh, yeah!

Doug!

Where are you?

Shit!

Whoa.

All right, I'm out.

Run I

Hey, bub.
There you are.

Wasn't that fun the other
night? It was hystericaI.

Hey, hang on.

Doug's really cooI.
We've been out every night.

The other nlght-

Gene?

God, Gene. Hey, Gene,
It's me, Bllly. I'm here.

N urse!

Don't listen to
anything he says, Gene.

It says here that
he's a little pussy.

Lucky you don't
have to live with him.

Good one, dickhead.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah, we're fine.

Sorry. Sorry.

Mom's in the
hospitaI, Gene.

They took a lot of her female
stuff out, like her Filipino tubes.

Everything except
her M ildred.

That's what Doug
calls her pussy.

Gross, huh?

She's okay, though.

She mlght not come
see you for a whlle.

She'll be a blt shaky.

M ight not?

She's not coming.

She's happy finally
'cause she's got an excuse.

You can get she'll
be milking it.

From General
Alumlnum Products-

If that's the doctor, tell
him I want my uterus back.

Hello?

Who's this?

They hung up.

J ust as well. I've
got static to watch.

The Posts have
a really nice TV.

Yeah. They also have
a shit for brains son

who wouldn't know his
ass from an exit sign.

Well, we got Larry.

The phone call was some guy asking if
I wanted to sneak out with him later.

It wasn't your boyfriend, was it, Billy?

More like your
imaginary friend.

Well, whlch one?

That's right. Larry's only got one.

How would you two like to go live
with your good-for-nothing father?

Larry would.

Oh, hi. Billy.
Everything all right?

Yeah. My mom's
doing a lot better.

I just wanna thank
you for helping out.

It was really nice of you.
My mom really appreciated it.

It's what neighbors do.

And thanks for
letting me stay.

Are you sure
everything's okay?

I think I left my baseball
cap over here. Is Doug home?

I don't think
you were wearing it.

I must have been.
Oould I look for it?

Was that you
who called?

Shlt. That was so funny. Was
that Larry? What dld he say?

He asked if you
were my boyfriend.

The bastard! He was always
like the downer twin.

I tried to be his friend, but, uh, not
necessary. Ah, maybe it's over here.

Look, It's klnda trlcky
If you call my house.

My mom thinks you're
like a crime lord.

Still?

Hey, have the
cops been here?

No. Why? Have they
been to your house?

I don't wanna
talk about It I

Shit. That's the last thing I
need. Your head looks better.

Than what?

So, do you wanna
do something later?

I can't. My mom's home.
She's like a shut-in.

I talked my mother
into taking her to bingo.

What, tonlght? They're
llke paper and sclssors.

More like rock
and scissors.

You should come over.

Okay. See you later.

Come on I

H i, M r. Post. You haven't
seen my cap, have you?

No. Seen the
goddamn remote?

You! Who is
that kid, anyway?

It's Bllly.
Get out of my room I

Bllly who?

Get out of my room I

U h, my mom
won't be long.

Are you going
to bingo, too?

I thought it was just
old ladies that went.

I heard that.

It's better than staylng
home wlth my father.

Ma, you know Katrina.

H i, Katrina.

M rs. Post is
waiting in the car.

Right. Larry!
Dinner is ready.

Don't mlnd my father. We don't call hlm
Tlny 'cause he has a lot of patlence.

He's just
dropping us off.

You call him Tiny?

Not to his face.

Well, I hope
you both win.

I don't know
about you, Katrina,

but I have about as much chance of
winning as shitting a gold Oadillac.

Turkey, chlcken.
Don't flght over them.

Bye, Katrina.

I'm having the turkey.

You always
have the turkey.

I'm having the turkey. Why do
you always have to be a jerk?

You should go live with
dad. Make everyone happy.

Everyone except
me and Dad.

You'll just get drunk later
and end up throwlng It up.

Fuck off, Billy.

Make sure you throw it up
somewhere other than here.

It's hot.

You only have yourself
to blame for that.

Hey, what's golng on?

What the fuck
are you dolng here?

He threw a fucking
TV dinner at me!

What'd you do that for?

Because he's
a Mlldred I

That was you who
called here earlier.

So what of it?

You hurt Billy again, and
I'll kick your ass. Again.

Let me see.

Oh, man.

# Walklng on a dream #

# How can I explaln #

# Talklng to myself #

# Wlll I see agaln #

# We are always runnlng For
the thrlll of It Thrlll of It #

# Always pushlng up The hlll
searchlng For the thrlll of It #

# On and on and on We are
calllng out And out agaln #

# Never looklng down I'm just
In awe of What's In front of me #

# Is It real now #

# Two people become one #

# I can feel It #

# Two people become one #

I'm gonna kick ya.
Oome on, man.

What is it?

Looks like some
form of trouble.

It's open.

Look what I got.

OooI!

# Searchlng for
The thrlll of It #

# On and on and on We are
calllng out And out agaln #

# Never looklng down I'm just
In awe of What's In front of me #

Oh, yeah I

# Is It real now #

# Two people become one #

# I can feel It #

It'll be all right. There's
nothing we can do about it now.

Someone would have
called an ambulance.

It was an accident, Doug.
They were speeding.

It wasn't
anybody's fault.

Hello?

Hl, It's Mom.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Is your father home?

Ah, no. He hasn't
picked you up?

No.

Ah, I'm sure he'll be
there soon. He's not here.

Well, when dld he leave?

Oh, when did he leave?

U h, I don't know. I
fell asleep, okay? Bye.

Is that slrens?

What? Sirens?
U h, I don't know.

There must be an accident
somewhere, or a fire.

I'm sure he'll be there
soon. Okay, bye-bye.

Oh, shit. What if
that was my father?

Billy, did you see the car? Did
it look like my father's car?

Doug, you gotta stay calm. It
could have been anybody's car.

He's probably just running
late. It'll be cooI, all right?

We have to go
over there.

No, we don't!

Billy, I've gotta know.
We have to go over there.

Shit, the bowling ball!

The bowling ball.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's his father.
H is name's Tiny Post.

Dick.

We're gonna be
here for a while.

I'm Officer Barret.
What's your name, son?

William Oonway.

Frlend's name?

Douglas Post.

This boy here is the man's
son. H is name's Douglas Post.

I'm Officer
Passman, Douglas.

I'm very sorry, son, but there was
nothing we could do for your dad.

It was an accident.

Yeah, it was
a bad accident.

I'd better
take him home.

No, Officer, I-

It was a bad
accident, Doug.

No. It wasn't meant
to happen like this.

You need a glass of
water, dear. Oome with me.

That's a good idea.
Thank you, M rs. Smolensky.

I think what he was trying to
say was his father drinks a bit.

U h-huh.

Terrible business this,
Buster Bill. Are you okay?

I only ever see you when
something dreadfuI's happened.

Don't worry about
a thing, Buster.

I'm looking after you.

Mom!

M rs. Post,
I'm Officer Passman.

If you'll please move
to the side of the road.

A car wlll come
and take you home.

I'm so sorry.
Please, get in the car.

Bllly, let's go. Let's
get out of here. Now.

Bllly, come on I

Here. There's
some vomit.

It's practically
the whole front page.

I don't wanna see that.

What's wrong
wlth you, Larry?

He used to be
in the navy.

What's that story?

"Streakers in
shoplifting spree. "

" Last night, two naked
teenage youths wearing ski masks

"surprised 80-year-old
cashier, Emily Barstow,

"at Drummond's Grocery Store, when
they raced in and stole a bag of candy.

"M rs. Barstow said the
smaller of the two individuals

"had a gauze dressing
in the middle of his back,

"but she didn't see much else
to distinguish the offenders.

"The larger youth then reportedly
stole a bottle of whisky

from the Liquor Barn next door,
before the pair fled on foot. "

Well, it's officiaI. I've
now heard of everything.

Where were you
last night, Billy?

I was here.

You were the one
who went out.

I thought you might have
gone shopping with a friend.

Poor lady at the store.

She probably
got a thrill.

I don't know. The paper said she didn't
see much of anything to distinguish them.

Except that gauze.

H i. My mom made it.

Shlt I

What did the cops say?

They thought it was weird
there weren't any skid marks.

What about
the bowling ball?

Did they mention
anything about it?

No. Was it under the car?

I don't know.
My mom made me go.

Did you see the article in
the paper about us streaking?

We'll be all right.
Oome on, deep breath.

Who's at the door?

It's me, M rs. Post. Bllly
Conway. My mom baked you a cake.

I knocked it
with the door.

It was an accident.

H i, Billy.

H i. I'm sorry
about your father.

About M r. Post.

Thank your mother for the
cake. It was a nice thought.

Trust me, it's probably
better off this way.

Sorry.

Dropped it.

No, Is that Tlny?

What'd he do to himself,
eat an ice cream truck?

Oome on, where's
your sense of humor?

Face like yours, you think
it'd be standard equipment.

Your home is lovely.

Oh, thank you.

I'd offer you a piece of your
delicious cake, but it's all gone.

Oh, Bob.

Excuse me
for a moment.

Dottle.

I'm so sorry
for your loss.

Yes, thank you,
Becky. Thank you.

Gloria, this is Bob,
and his daughter Becky.

H i. My son, Billy.

It's terrible.

The world's
so unpredictable.

I lost my wife a few
years back in an accident.

I lost my daughter
eight years ago.

Accident?
I'm so sorry.

Thanks.

Oh, Dougie, Doug,
come. Oome meet Bob.

He was a workmate
of your father's.

Your Dad was a hell
of a guy. A big character.

It's a-it's
a reaI shame.

He was very nice
to my daughter and me

when my Peggy passed
away a few years back.

It's terrlble.

Oh, I'm so very, very
sorry for your loss.

Don't cry.

Becky. Becky.

So, who died?

Oh, Louise!
Oh, my goodness.

Louise, we're
having the wake.

Of course you are.
Oh, come on, sis.

You could use a
cheer up. So, cheer up.

Everything is gonna
be all right.

I like what you've done.

Well, I haven't
done anything.

Well, it looks roomier.

Dougie. Poor Dougie. Oome, give
your Auntie Louise a little kiss.

Is that peach fuzz?

Oh, thls calls
for a drlnk.

You know what they say. When God
closes a door, he opens a beer.

Trlna. Trlnal

Oh, I'm so,
so sorry.

That sofa.

It was llke slttlng
next to the Grand Canyon.

I was expecting an echo.

What did you think of
that guy and his daughter?

Why do you ask,
you ask, you ask?

The guy's all right,
don't you think?

No, I don't think. Anyway, there's a
major fruit loop alert on the daughter.

I hope this isn't leading to
an episode of the Datlng Game,

'cause my boot might have to
go on a date with your teeth.

So, what do you think?
Was it an accident,

or did he do it on purpose,
on purpose, on purpose?

It's not funny.

Not funny, not funny, not funny.

Hey, what's the matter?

I always think the next
funeraI will be Gene's.

I can't go home.

How is he?

He's the same, Ma.

It'll be all right.

When? When they're making
snowballs in hell, that's when.

I walk in that house, and
Gene is just everywhere.

I wash my face, but I
don't look in the mirror.

I look in the sink where the chips
were taken out with a ball pein hammer

when he was trying
to kill ants.

Every morning, there's the
carpet with the melted patch

where the chemistry
experiment went wrong,

or right,
if you're Gene.

And I know it's
another day and,

I can't-

It's another day
and I can't go.

You look like hell.

You always knew
how to sweet talk me.

I'm not signing
the divorce papers,

so let's not pretend this
is about sweet talking.

I'm not gonna come back.

What do you think
they're talking about?

Probably what a
little pussy you are.

The divorce, dipshit!

Oan you hear anything?

H is balls
being crunched.

What balls?

Sh, I-I can hear Dad.

Dad just said

Billy's a faggot.

Whenever the shit hits the fan,
you're the one to check out.

Don't.

Nobody's meant to get
out of this easily.

The boys hate you,
you know that.

No.

We have a son who is
never gonna come home.

God damn us
to Hell's Asshole

that we don't have a home
for him to come home to.

What can I say?

I'm the spokesman for the useless
bastards everywhere, and I'm sorry.

We can't wait
for Gene to die, Gloria.

We'll waste away with
him. Lose all feeling.

Knock it off!
Knock it off!

He's drunk.

I'm not.

What happened
to your back?

Billy went streaking!

I did not.
He's Iying.

With Douglas Post.

That's completely nuts.
He's an alcohollcl

Hey, hey, that's
enough. That's enough!

See all the fun you've
been missing out on?

Let's go. You're
coming with me.

Happy now?

What, that I got
burned with a TV dinner?

Larry is more
hurt than anyone.

Even Gene.

Hey, it'll be better now, Ma. I promise.

How in the hell is
that supposed to happen?

I'm divorced.
Divorced.

I have one child who's
dead, one who is a vegetable.

Another one who
apparently is a drunk.

And you. You, who
I thought I could trust,

take off your clothes and run
through stores stealing things!

That wasn't me!

I wasn't born in Stupidville
anytime around breakfast.

I'll call your father back
here. He can take you, too.

Larry threw the dinner
at me and, I don't know,

I needed
to not kill him.

And Doug Post
happened to come by.

Douglas Goddamn Post!

What in the name of Retarded Bill
are you doing hanging around with him?

I'm not hanging
around with him.

So Douglas Goddamn Post just happens
to come by here? Please, explain.

Yeah, he was going to the store and
wanted to know if we needed anything.

And you said, yeah, I need to air my
balls and steaI things from Drummonds.

I swear to God if I catch you
with that son of a bitch again,

I am gonna burn a much bigger patch
on your thieving, sneaking little back.

Do you hear me?

And you won't.
I promise.

B- 12.

My Dougie was such a big
help through everything.

I don't know what
I would have done.

You know, Douglas
is a good kid.

He was so upset.

G-52.

Where was that number when It
would have done me some good?

He's just like the rest
of the useless bastards.

Who?

The doofus up there
with the little balls.

He's slngle.

I-16. Sweet 16.

What'd you think of
Bob? From the wake?

He's very nice.

The daughter's
a panoramic fruit display.

You don't have
to date her.

There's some big shindig on
over at the navy base tonight.

I could ring him,
if you want.

Billy thinks
it's a good idea.

O-68.

Did he put you
up to this?

Oh. Bingo! Bingo!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.

Great. She's funding
a color scheme.

So, whose
house is this?

J ust you wait.

It's so nice finally to meet you, Billy.

Your father has told me
so much about you.

He hasn't said
anything about you.

Yeah, I know. We were
keeping it under wraps

untiI we were sure,
you know, of us.

Hlgher.

Meat's almost ready.

So, are you sure?

Yes, Larry,
we're very sure.

Because Oonnie's pregnant.

Larry! Honestly.

Your brother is
such a joker.

So, you're not pregnant?

Where'd you get
that idea? Ray?

I heard you two
talking about it.

Bllly, push.

Well, we're not
really sure about it.

You know, five weeks.

Hlgherl

Oh, Ray, it's on fire!

Oh.

Hey, will I pass
in a crowd?

Depends on how
big it is.

About as big as that blood clot on
your face. What the hell happened now?

We went to the fun park.

Fun park?

Yeah, it wasn't much fun.
Why are you all dressed up?

Fun park?

Yes, I banged
my nose on the bar.

I've got a date with your
friend Bob. Remember him?

I was about to take
an estrogen tablet. Oh.

And a nerve pill.
Make that two nerve pills.

Oh.

Your earrings
aren't right.

You're definitely
gonna pass.

Oh.

Hey, stop.

That's to keep you
out of trouble.

All right, I need
to practice dancing.

Oh! What are you doing?

I don't know. Maybe he hurt
his leg since we saw him.

I don't care if they were
both blown off at the hip.

He better drag his goddamn ass to
the door or I'm not going anywhere.

You get it.

Hello, Gloria.

You're looking nice.

Sorry if I'm late. I-

That wasn't the sorry
I was looking for.

You remember Billy? Bob.

H i, Billy.

Ouch.

Billy, hi.
Oome on in.

You smell nice.

I do not.

Sorry.

You're not gonna bust my
balls all night, are you?

Look who's here.

H i. Billy.

H i, M rs. Post.

My mom just went
off on her date.

Thank you for
the update.

I mean, it was nice of you to
set it up and all. Thank you.

Well, I just came by
to say thanks. Agaln.

And see what
Katrlna was dolng.

Bob is a very nice man.

I hope so.

Want some cake?

Yes, we have
plenty of cake.

You're full
of surprises.

Surprises?

Oh, God, I haven't
danced in a long time.

I assume Dottie told you about
everything that's happened.

Well, I hope so. I'd
hate for there to be more.

I miss my father
and everything, but-

Does that sound bad? I miss
my father and everything, but?

It's just that he could be such a
mentaI case when he wanted to be.

I think I ought to be able to
make some mistakes sometimes.

My mom can get kind
of screw-loosy, too.

She went full scale psychiatric
at me the other night.

What did you do?

I got caught streaking.

Streaking? That was you?

Oh, my God!
That was you!

Who was the other guy?

My brother.

Weird, but okay, I guess.

My Aunt Louise
gave it to me.

You'll get used to it.

You wanna kiss
for a while?

Oome on, streaker.

I- yeah, okay.

Then can we get
some more cake?

Not like that.

So, how did
your wife die?

U h, electrocuted.

Oh, God.

Washing dishes.

Wow.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, it just
caught me by surprise.

I hate doing
the dishes!

Yeah, so do I.

You would.

Oh, God.

Where have you been?

At your house.

Looking for you.

The officiaI police
report came through.

It says my father
committed suicide.

Wow, that's good,
isn't it?

No. The insurance company
doesn't pay for suicide.

Oh. Oh.

We have to go
to the Police.

Are you crazy, Doug?
My mom would-

I've got a mother,
too, you know.

Hey, it'll be all right.

You know, like I said,
this shit happens.

You've just got
to forget about it.

I can't. My mother has to get a
crap job. I'm messing up at schooI.

Don't play the sob story
game with me, okay, Doug?

Because I'll win.
Like hands down.

Look, going to the Police
isn't gonna help.

You smell like perfume. And pot.

I've been
with Katrina.

What do you mean?

We smoked pot,
and we made out.

Oan you really
smell it on me?

Hey, Doug.

What if they think
we did it on purpose?

Look, I'm sorry
you lost your father,

but this could turn into a great
big shit shower with, like, no soap.

Gene would come with me.
He wouldn't wimp.

Yeah. Shit
certainly does happen.

Doug, wait. Wait.

J ust give me a
couple of days, okay?

J ust a couple.

I have to tell
my mom first.

You have untiI Monday.

Any calls?

No.

Hey, don't worry.
He'll call.

Yeah. And the Pope has a
key to the Playboy mansion.

What are you making?

I made dinner.

Oould you be a
little more specific?

I can't even
be approximate.

I'm so hungry I could eat a
crowbar and shit a jungle gym.

Good. All those loose screws you
have will finally come in handy.

That's good.

You know, I-

I've been thinking
about the accident.

Are you missing
your sister?

No. I mean,
I miss Gene.

I didn't ask you
if you missed Gene.

You don't think
I miss Gene?

I asked you if
you missed your sister.

I don't really
remember her.

How can you say that?

I don't.

I remember her
playing music, but-

You'd better think
good and hard

because you can do a hell of a
lot better than her playing music.

I meant
M r. Post's accident.

I was talklng
about that one.

There's something-

You get it.

If it's Bob, tell him I'm-I'm
cooking, uh, cooking dinner.

Go on! I'm busy for a minute.

Hello?

Hey, Bllly. Dad here.
Connle thlnks you're great.

Is it him?

It was a nlce
day, wasn't It?

Ah, yeah.

Well, the good news Is,

Who is it?

Connle and I are gettlng
marrled. On Sunday.

We'd really love it
if you could be there.

Yeah, okay.

Great. Great. I'll pick
you up around 10: 00, okay?

U h, yeah. Okay.

Bye!

Okay.

Sorry I can't
help you out.

Our television's a
piece of crap. Goodbye.

Somebody doing
a survey.

All that's left to do Is
slgn the reglstry book.

Oongratulations,
M r. and M rs. -

Oonway-Kellywood.

So, thls mysterlous
bowllng ball.

Now, you say you
stole it from a car.

Which car?

It was a black
ball-car.

I think the
car was black.

It was a black car?

Black or blue.
It was a dark color.

Where was it?

I'm talking to you.

I think it was on the
other side of the hill.

Okay, I don't get it.
What's this all about?

What makes two klds who have
never been In trouble before,

suddenly start taking their clothes off
and breaking into cars and stealing things?

You do realize you're up
against manslaughter here?

I nvoluntary-

Zip it.

It was an accident. We didn't mean to do
it. I tried to tell you guys afterwards but,

I got the hiccups.

Really? You wouldn't belleve how many good
confesslons are just rulned by the hlccups.

So,

you returned to the scene
of the crime, to confess.

We had to get
the bowling ball.

But It wasn't there. So,
what happened to It, Bllly?

It disappeared.

Look, I admit, I wished my
father was dead sometimes.

But we didn't mean
to kill him, all right?

He was fat. He was supposed
to die of a heart attack.

Same old Billy,
sneaking around.

At least you've got
your clothes on.

What are you doing here?

Aren't you gonna
welcome me home?

What do you mean home?

Oonnie's a cow.

Shit, Larry, does
ma know you're here?

What do you thlnk? You dldn't
tell her about Connle the Cow.

You're the bad son.

Good luck.

Ma?

You okay?

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

It's just you had that
date with Bob, and-

Bob's an idiot.

Yeah, but so is dad.

And so the Ohrist are you.

I thought I
could trust you.

Oh, what the hell else
aren't you telllng me?

I was trying
to protect you.

I don't need
protecting, Billy.

I need someone
who's on my side.

I was just worried
you might take it bad.

What in the hell
is wrong with you?

Of course I was
gonna take it bad.

Your father tried
to kill himself.

What?

Yeah. After the accident.

How do you think he broke both damn
ankles? It wasn't doing the ha-cha-cha!

The goddamn
branch broke!

I'm the strong
one, Billy. I am.

I've had my share of problems, but
they should have been our problems,

your father's and mine.

Oonnie?

Oonnie Goddamn Oonway.

It's Oonway-Kellywood.

And she's pregnant.

Liquor Larry in there already
told me, so save your breath.

M r. Post's accident
wasn't really an accident.

Not llke everyone thlnks.

What?

Doug and I stole a bowling
ball out of someone's car.

And I bowled It.

It was just
meant to be fun,

but It went down
the hlll and,

M r. Post swerved
to avoid it, and-

Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

Douglas Goddamn Post.

Oonnie Goddamn Oonway
KenneI Oompound. And Billy.

Kick me in the teeth and thanks for
goddamn nothing little M r. Shit For Brains.

Anything else you've
been keeping from me?

We were at the Police station.
We told them everything.

Great. Perfect. And?

They didn't find the bowling ball.
But they're gonna investigate further.

They thought it was suicide and the
Post's insurance doesn't pay for that.

So Douglas Goddamn Post
thought maybe we should confess,

and maybe it would help.

And what part did a guilty
conscience play in that?

I thought about it.
I thought about it a lot.

Oh, my God. You know what's
wrong with you, Billy?

Goddamn brain needs some
more goddamn brains in it?

You're selfish. You
only think of yourself.

You're just
like your father,

and I've had it up to my finish
line with the whole bunch of you!

And to think I had
some hope for you.

I thought you might
amount to something.

I guess I should
have been more specific!

I have this dream.

I n it you're eight,
and I'm six again.

And you hold my hand and
walk with me to schooI.

That's It.
That's the dream.

They don't lock anybody's cat in
anybody's car, or the Holoway's dog.

You just hold my hand and
walk with me to schooI.

It's a nice day.

Wake up, Gene.

Please, wake up.

How can you
just sit there?

# Golng up golng up
Golng up up up #

# Golng up golng up #

# Oh #

# Llke a bubble
Headln' for trouble #

# Wlnd Is blowln'
I n the wrong dlrectlon #

Ma?

M m?

I got you something.

I thought maybe you could keep
some of Linda's things in it.

One tlme she dressed
me up llke a glrl.

Yeah, I was
klnd of cute.

And we danced sometimes.

We haven't been to
the cemetery in a while.

This was her
favorite song.

Oh, yeah.

I always
hated this song.

Gene's getting
worse, Ma.

Gene, Mom's here.

Maybe I can't do this.

You can.

He looks terrible.

Gene?

Gene?

I'm sorry
I haven't been.

I've been trying.

You have whiskers.

I'm here. I made it.

What do you
want me to say?

I'm so sorry that-

You listening to me?
You never used to.

I n one ear and, I'd always
think, straight out the same ear.

So, are you
llstenlng now?

I was always here.

And I'm here now.

I won't come again.

I can't.

You've made, Gene,

a big light.

A shine.

Are you listening?

Gene, it's your turn.

You have to go.

I love you, son.

Gene, I-

I'm gonna go with Ma.

You coming, Larry?

Do you hate me?

No.

Larry?

How could you do that?

How could I not?

Your son and Douglas Post
came forward a few days ago

and claimed they were responsible
for Douglas's father's death.

Yes. Billy told me that.

I was shocked. You could have
knocked me with over a dessert spoon

and then eaten
me with it.

Right. Well, We'd like to question
them further down the station.

You'll need
to come wlth hlm.

Oh, Billy, your
halo's slipping.

Don't you have a friend
you have to meet?

Pardon the dueling banjos. I think there were
some cousin marriages on the father's side.

You mlght llke
to engage a lawyer.

Larry, okay, you've
had enough of the fun.

Now, tell the officers
what you told me.

About what?

Apparently, so my
son tells me,

the Post dope came up with
this whole bowling ball caper,

so his family could
collect the insurance money.

I didn't tell you that.

No, Billy did. After you told
me that were here all night.

What can I tell you?
Bllly Is an Idlot.

I was llke yourselves, gentlemen.
I swallowed the whole story

like it was a shit cake covered
in a rich chocolate sauce.

I assure you, ma'am, we
didn't swallow anything.

So, Larry, I'd like
to hear from you.

I n your own words,
what happened?

M m?

The Shithead and the Asswipe were here.

All nlght.

They had TV dinners.

I guess the reaI question is,
do you have the bowling ball?

Well, no.

Bingo!

Are you sure?
No. No!

Oh.

Sorry, everyone.
Sorry. Sorry!

False alarm. J ust
testing the bingo arm.

Bingo!

The last number called
was G-49. We'll contlnue.

O-63.

Thank you.

I-27.

I have to hand it to you.

You've got a reaI talent
in causing car crashes.

You're smashed.

No, I'm serious.
You should take a bow.

I mean, two, two fataI
crashes and M r. Smolensky.

You're amazlng.
I mean It.

You-You really are.

Me, I just had a hand In one crash
and It's totally fucked me up.

Oh, yeah, thanks for
the allbl, huh, Larry?

Sure. No problem, bro.

I- I just left him.

Gene.

I- I went back.
He-he's-

Where's mom?

Bingo.

I can't handle things
the way you do, Billy.

How do you do It?

How do you not
feeI anything?

I feeI things.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry-

It's not your fault.

Katrina's not here.

I know.

I'm sorry about
the insurance.

I think my mom was a
bulldozer in a past life.

Do you have
any bandages?

B-3.

Excuse me, is there
a Gloria Oonway here?

U h, yeah, that
would be me.

You have a phone call.

That would be her.

Follow me.
It's out the back.

That would be me again.

G-50. Flve-oh.

Gene used to be the
center of the universe.

He still has
a big pull.

I tried really hard to forget about,
you know, everything that's happened.

It's just-

I don't think we
should hang out anymore.

My mother had a full grown cow
when I told her what we did.

Thanks.

What about Katrina?
Do you like her?

I guess.

Hanging out with you was like
getting Gene back. It was.

It was-it was better.

It was great, untiI
everything went shit shaped.

Doug, I'm not exactly
a lucky charm.

Someone's here.

Oh, shit.
It's my mother.

You're not supposed
to be here.

Quick, hide.
H urry up.

Did we just go
to a bingo parlor,

or did I have
an acid flashback?

J ust say no to drugs.

You're home early.

Gene Oonway died.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, sweetheart,
it's okay.

It's okay.

This was a long
time coming.

It's for the best.

It's a pity they couldn't have
buried him all those years ago.

It would have saved
a lot of grief.

I could have sworn that picture
of you two was in your bedroom.

Maybe you should
go look for it.

You never know what's
waltlng around the corner.

It could be an accldent,

or It mlght be
a wonderful surprlse.

Larry, for Instance, announced that
he and Katrlna were golng steady.

You could have knocked Bllly
over wlth a dessert spoon.

Glorla hugged Douglas
Post at the funeral.

That was a blg
dessert spoon moment.

Connle had a
ten-pound baby glrl

named Cassandra Constance
Conway-Kellywood.

Ray was overjoyed.

And Bllly's surprlse
Is yet to come.

I have only one regret
In my llfe, Buster Blll.

I'm sorry you had to see M r.
Smolensky die in that awfuI way.

You couldn't have helped
that. It was an accident.

I could have
prevented it.

But more to the point,
you couldn't have.

Nor could you
have saved him.

Some things are
just meant to be,

sad as they are.

We all pay for
our mistakes, Billy.

You paid for yours
long before you made them.

Now you gotta
stop paying.

See what the world
has to offer.

What am I gonna
do with it?

# Older brother Restless soul Lle down #

# Lle for a whlle wlth
Your ear agalnst the earth #

# And you'll hear
Your slster sleep talklng #

# Say your halr Is long But
not long enough To reach #

# Home to me #

# B ut y our beard #

# S omeday mlght be #

# And she'll wake up I n
a cold sweat on The floor #

# Next to a famlly Portralt
drawn when You were four #

# And beslde a jar Of two cent
colns that Are no good no more #

# She'll lay It aslde #

# Older father Weary
Soul you'll drlve #

# Over your llfe once
More before you dle #

# Slnce our grandma
Passed away #

# You've walted for
Forever and a day #

# J ust to dle #

# And someday soon #

# You wlll dle #

# It was the only
Woman you ever loved #

# That got burnt By the sun
too often When she was young #

# And the cancer spread And It
ran Into her Body and her blood #

# And there's nothlng
you can do about It now #