Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie (2016) - full transcript

Edina and Patsy are still oozing glitz and glamor, living the high life they are accustomed to; shopping, drinking and clubbing their way around London's trendiest hot-spots. Blamed for a major incident at an uber fashionable launch party, they become entangled in a media storm and are relentlessly pursued by the paparazzi. Fleeing penniless to the glamorous playground of the super-rich, the French Riviera, they hatch a plan to make their escape permanent and live the high life forever more!

This film contains strong language


MUSIC: Get Ugly by Jason Derulo

# Let your hair down

# Let your hair down
We's about to get down

# Yeah
Oh, my, oh, my

# Oh, my God

# This girl straight
and this girl not

# Tipsy off that peach Ciroc

# Like
La la la

# Ching-a-lang-lang

# Jeans so tight
I could see loose change

# Do your thang, thang, girl
Do that thang

# Like
La la la

# To them pretty-faced girls
tryna impress each other

# And them undercover freaks
who ain't nothin' but trouble

# Baby, I'm a tell you somethin'
only cos I love ya

# People all around the world sexy

# Sexy, sexy, sexy
Get ugly

# Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily

# Get ugly, baby
Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily

# Woohoo
Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily

# And everybody say
Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily
La la la

# Get ugly

# You're too sexy to me

# You're too sexy to me

# Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily
So sexy

# Damn, that's ugly

# Diddily, diddily, diddily,
diddily... #

EDDY: Giles! Giles!

He loves me, he loves me.

# Get ugly, baby
Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily

# Woohoo
Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily

# And everybody say
La la la

# Get ugly... #

PATSY: Eddy? Eddy?



Look, I'm twerkin', darling.
Look, look, I'm twerkin'!

No, you're not.

Isn't that twerking?

No, move your bum.



# Dysfunctional

# Get ugly

# Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily

# Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily

# Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily

# Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily

# Diddily, diddily, diddily, diddily
You're too sexy to me... #

Sweetheart, darling? Saff?

# Diddily, diddily. #


Your grandmother's home.

Darling! Sweetheart!
Darling! Sweetheart!



# Diddily, diddily
diddily, diddily

# Diddily, diddily
diddily, diddily

# Diddily, diddily
diddily, diddily

# Diddily, diddily
diddily, did. #

Wakey, wakey, my lady.


Oh, get out, get out!

You have meetings,
meetings, meetings,

parties, openings.



Pats! What?

Today's the day I sign the deal
on my book deal, darling.

Oh! Fabulous.

Yeah, fabulous.

Am I in it?

Of course you're in it, darling,

cos you are my oldest,
oldest friend.


And who will play me, Eddy?

Well, darling, it's only
just, like...nearly a book.

It will be a film,
though, sweetheart,

because it's about me, isn't it?

Yeah, it's about London's
premier fashion PR. Yeah.


And who will play me, Eddy?
Not Jane Fonda.


I've had stem cells and the blood
of a two-year-old child

injected into my skin,
and my face still looks like this.

You need to be using foetus
blood, Eddy.

A little spritz of afterbirth,

Mm. Keep up, sweetie.


I want to go in there,

but I have to go past that big

I think I am now officially
fatter sideways

than I am front on, darling.

Darling, you don't need those.
I am your mirror.

How do I look?

Fabulous. Thank you.


Need to move that, Eddy.

Yeah, I'll call Kelly Hoppen.


Morning. Afternoon.

Oh, when did these stairs
get so long?

Since you dug into Middle Earth.

Oh, yes. Good though, isn't it?
Look at that.

Bo and Marshall rang.
What, both of them?

Yes, they want to come
and talk about the house.

Why do they want to come
and talk about the house?

I don't know.

Go outside!

Eddy, I'm vaping!

No, no, darling, you lit it,
you lit it. That's a cigarette.

And she's a child!

Well, then why can't she
go outside into the air?

Your mother's here.

Oh, Christ. Anyway,
how long is this one here for?

When's she going back?
I don't know, darling.

All I know is it's
something else I'm paying for.

I'm not going back to Africa.

If Dad wants to see me,
he can come here.

Well, why isn't he paying for her?

Mum, we're divorced.

Yeah, well, he can't just sit in
Ebola or wherever it is he is,

and not pay for her.





Why is she saying Gabon?
Why are you saying Gabon, darling?

Is he still in Gabon?

Is he still in Gabon? No.

No! No.

Dad's paying for me. What?

He gave me a credit card.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

Talking about credit cards. Bubble?

All of my cards are broken.
Fix them, please.

Eddy, I'm thirsty.
Morning, Mrs M.

Morning, Patsy, dear.

I'll open up a Bolly.


Darling, where is the champagne?

I don't know.

Darling, where's the Bolly?
Where's the champagne?

If you want things,
you have to pay for them.

Since when?!

Sounds as though you're going to
have to tighten your belt, dear.


If you manage that,
it'll be a first.

Don't let her eat anything, darling,
while she's here.

All right? No eaty.

Eddy, what are we going to do
about the champagne?


That'll be Bo and Marshall.

BO: Hi, hi, hi.

MARSHALL: Hello, there.

Well, no need to rush, honey.
Now, be careful.

All of this is new.

Hello, everybody.
Oh, hello, there.

Let's get up here, one, two, three.
Oh. OK.

Now, tell her why we're here.

I can't go on with
the house payments.

You've paid for all this?

Well, darling, that's
how divorce works. Learn.

He needs surgery.

Oh. That's right. We can tell them.
Marshall is a transgender.

He'd like to live life as a woman.

Oh, that's typical, isn't it?
Jumping on the bandwagon.

Finally she gets to
cut your balls off!

Oh, well, I tell you something,
I don't need your measly payments.

I've got a book deal.

Come on, Pats.

Well, at least you're small.
You'll be able to get shoes.

So when does it come off?

Oh, no, we haven't gone through
"coming off" therapy yet.

Darling, I want you to come with me
today because I'm putting the
final touches

to the Huki Muki retrospective
launch party.

Can Lulu sing at that? No.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
that's all got to go back.

That's all got to go back.

Eddy, how long have we got this for?

Oh, well, they've actually lent it
for Emma Bunton,

but they don't mind. They're fine.

BUBBLES: No, they want it back!
Exercise, exercise, exercise...


RADIO: And coming up today
on Woman's Hour,

was Shakespeare's wife depressed?

But first, here in the studio
we have PR supremo Claudia Bing,

a woman with her finger
on the pulse.

Oh, turn that shit off.

I mean, there was a time
the zeitgeist blew through me.

Now, it's just...

A tiny fart.


Eddy, look. Quite close by.


No, I'm all right. All right.


Had him, had him, had him,
had him...

Eddy, can we stop off
at the Wolseley?

No, darling, my cards are broken.

Chiltern Firehouse?

My cards are broken!

Well, haven't you got any of that...

..hand money?


What's that?

Chanel No 5.

No, darling, I'm fine.

Marshall, show them your breasts.

Oh, come on. Leave it, Bo.

Women, you can't live with 'em,
you can't live...


Is this little Lola?

Oh. Africa.

We are sisters.
My people are your people.

Which people?

Black people.
I am a black person.

Deep down, we are all black.



..can I have an advance?

Ha. No. What is this?
I just don't get it.

Well, this isn't how it
would be written. This is...

This is how I dictated it to Bubble.

Bubble. What is Bubble?

My PA, Bubble.


Oh, I thought it was new software.

So, you see, I'm just not really
understanding anything you say.

I need a coffee.


I mean, the world of PR. Mmm.

Who really knows what PR is?

PR is everything. I am PR.

I mean, I took Sting,
put him in the rainforest,

gave the little pygmies a party.

I put Bono behind yellow glasses.

I gave celebrities AIDS.

The T-shirt.

Anyway, look...

There's not enough here.

What do you mean, not enough?

There's pages and pages of it.
I dictated it to Bubble.

It mostly just says,
"Blah, blah, blah."

Who do you represent in PR?

Well, it's not just the "who's",

it's the "what's".
It's the likes of...

Not the "likes of", the "actuals".

The singer Lulu.

And who else?

Spice Emma, Baby Bunton.


Queen Noor.

Well, I have a huge boutique vodka.
I have Pop-Specs.

Joel. Graham!

Graham! Graham, no, I...I know you.
I know him.

He loves me. I don't love you.
You're gay, come on!

Look, I don't love you!
Leave me alone.

I don't know what's the matter
with him.

I mean, all my friends are gay.

And Nigella! Yes. I know Nigella.

What about a chapter on that?
You know, me and Nigella,

eating late at night...

..in a fridge.


Can I have an advance? No.

Why? Because it's shit.


Eddy, let's go. I'll be late.

You only read 'em, you know.
You don't write 'em.

You just work in the shop.

You think your life's
interesting. It isn't.

It may be worth living,
but it's not worth reading.

It's happened. Move on.


Bloody, bloody books! Bloody books!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Bloody books!

I have to check the Huki Muki
mannequins before tonight.

Coming with me, Eds?

No, no, no, I can't come with you.

I've got the PR persons
lunch-of-the-month lunch.


Well, the PR persons
munch-of-the-munch munch.

Not munch. Lunch.
Oh, kill her, Eddy.

What are we going to?

Have you rung Lulu yet?
Oh, shut up about Lulu.

Don't rush me.

No, I haven't got any money.

Get someone to pay at the other end.

Where's my car?

It's gone back to Baby Bunton.
But I need wheels!


But you were only given feet.

Shut up, shut up.

Yeah. Love. Love.


Put the fishtail next to the
red blob.

And change that mannequin,
it's too fat.

Why are we doing this by the river?
Seriously, it stinks of fish.

Is that you? Good grief.

What's the food? All raw.

Freshly dead, octopus with a pulse?

Cocktails? The mixologist
is Madeira Slice. Yeah.

He's doing his flaming gasoline
herbal labia cocktails.

No olives. No olives. No.

Oh, Metro wants a paragraph, Patsy.

Oh, Patsy Stone, fashion editor,
The A.

Fashion designer Huki Muki
makes Valentino look like Topshop.

Disorientating beauty juxtaposed
between life and death...

..and shoes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that shit,
but more importantly,

our magazine is sponsoring it.

Right, I want Huki Muki smaller,
our logo bigger. Yeah, Magda.

Oi, Pats. Yeah? I've just
been with Valentino.

What's left of him?

Not much. He's a small
lizard handbag

with a hoverboard of hair.


SHOUTS: Shut up!

Guest list, now.

Right. OK. Well, we have got
all the Jenners and Tyga,

Suki, Cara, David, Kanye.

We've got Dolce,
but not Gabbana, OK,

SamCam, I don't know who...

Ai Wuhwuh... Ai Weiwuh...

Am I going deaf,

or have you not spoken the
words "Kate Moss" yet?

Right, I'm so sorry, but apart from
the fact that me head's full of fish

it's just bloody impossible
because she's left her PR.

I shouldn't have said that,
that's secret. Delete, delete!

I don't care.
Just get her here. Right.

Offer her ayahuasca and shamans

and enough vodka to kill cattle. OK.

I'm off to Chanel.
Lagerfeld waits for no man.

Get me an Uber. A minicab?

Helicopter! Course.
I don't do traffic! Yeah.


Chanel, Chanel!

I can't bloody work with that shit!

Hi, welcome, everybody,
to this month's

PR person-of-the-month lunch.

Eat. It's all free.

No, nothing is free any more.

Even freedom isn't free any more.

It used to be.

But now everybody wants
your PIN number.

Sure they do, old girl.
Sure they do.

Say nothing. Edina!


I hear you've just been for a

with my friend Joel
at Random Penguin.

Yeah, it went really well.

He said how it went.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Claudia Bing.

So, thank you, guys.
So proud to be yet again

the PR person's
PR person of the month.

We will continue to run campaigns

with the..."sergeny"?

Synergy. Synergy.

Oh, synergy.

Shooting up and... Out.

Out. Shooting out on Twitter,

and joining up all those
conversations. We have begun...

Do we do that? No.

Who knew that a blog post could
do more than a banner or cookie

Do you feed my Twitter?

No, I forgot. And it died.

Mash up social data and
evaluate successfulness.

I don't have to list our clients,
I'm sure you're aware.

These days, you can't get by

with a couple of old pop stars
and a vodka.


It's a boutique vodka!
It's a huge boutique vodka!


Eddy! Top secret, darling.

You don't know this,
and I don't know this, but, darling,

Kate Moss is changing her PR!

Darling? Kate Moss!

Oh, shut up! Stop! Stop!

Eds, darling... Stop it, stop it!

..she's going to be at the
Huki Muki. Shut up! Shut up!

Don't tell anyone.
No-one else would know this.

And don't let that bitch Bing know.

MUFFLED: One moment...

Damn! Damn!

So common.


SAFFY: Lola! Lola! What?

Have you seen Gran?


Hi. Hi. Hi.


Um, are you OK?
You seem a bit flustered.

Yeah, no, uh...

I just need to see Gran
off to the airport.

My mother's looking after
Lola tonight.

Should I meet your mother? No.


Sorry. That's fine.

Can I kiss you properly now?

I've been thinking about it all day.


Oh, my God.

I can't believe that face

came from the womb of the little

Excuse me? Tonight, Lola,
you are my perfect accessory.

Oh, she won't need much, darling.

If raw material was
the finished article,

there'd be no point of me.

I'm going to straighten and shimmer.

Ow! Ow! Go for it.

Just take the pain, bitch.
Your hair will straighten.


Yeah, Beyonce cried, too,
but she surrendered. Ow!


Don't stop.

There's something in the suitcase.

Where am I?

Oh, Gran!

What is she doing?

I'm off to Cannes, dear.

Gran is going to Cannes for
Aunt Violet's birthday party.

Why don't I know about this?

We didn't want you to know, dear.

It's going to be very sprauncy.


Oh! No, no, leave it!
It's Pats. Patsy.

Hi, darling. Hi, got some
threads for the midget.

Excellent, yes. Leave them there.

Oh, I smell pigs, Eddy.
I smell rozzers.

Oh, just a thought.
Will I need injections, Saffy?

Yeah, lethal ones.


You just met my mother.

She seems nice.

Look up. OK, I'm looking up.

Patsy's here.


Gosh, I know, darling,
it's exciting, isn't it?

I mean, tonight is going to
change everything. Yeah.

Oh, my God, what's happening?

No, Eddy. What?

I'm going to...
Don't tell him, Eddy.

Tell him, Eddy. Tell him.

I'm gonna get Kate Moss!
I'm her new PR!


Go on, go to Patsy.

We all love you.

We love you.
We love you.

We thought we'd go to Goa
for an Ayurvedic colonic.

It's totes amaze.
So beautiful.

Yeah. Edina has to come. She has to.
You've got to. She has to.

Or we could, like, go out.

There's that new club, FoFo BoBo.

Oh, who's DJ-ing?
Dead Mice.

Oh! Love Dead Mice. Love Dead Mice.

Oh, Edina, you have to come.

Stella will give you
all the clothes you need.

I would love to dress you.

Oh, Eddy...

..you're my favourite person
in the whole world.

You have to do my PR.

Please, you have to.

Please? OK, OK.

Eddy! Eddy!

ALL: Eddy! Eddy! Eddy!

What are those? I'm not wearing
them! Listen to me, you little piece
of bumfluff!

Pats! Will you just let her
wear what she wants?

Can I do Kate's hair?

I'd love to get ahold of her ends
and give them a good tonging.


Oh, she's going to love you, Lola.

Why? Cos you've got what
we all want, haven't you?

Eddy, look.

Youth patch. Absorb, absorb!


Now, listen. You're coming
as my daughter, all right? OK.

So all you've got to do...
I'm not going to be man bait.

Oh, you should be so lucky!


What are you doing?

I'm going. I want to go.

Kate Moss is going to be there,

and Eddy said...


Are you sexing that little
rodent downstairs, darling?

Do you know what? Fine.
Fuck it. Fuck it.

Sorry. Fuck. Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck it!

I am going out.
Do what you want.

You can do what you want.

Just don't do it to get at me.

I ruined my life by trying
not to make my mother happy.

Don't do the same.

You wearing Stella McCartney
tonight, Eds?

Uh, no, no, no, darling, no, no.

She still won't let me in her shop.



I'm here on the red carpet
of the Huki Muki retrospective...

..with London's fashion glitterati.

If you're not here,
then who the hell are you?


So, you're singing tonight, Lulu?
I'm singing, yeah.

It's going to be a great crowd
in there. I'm excited.

Jerry, you look ravishing.
Tell me, what are you wearing?

Well, Richard, I'm wearing a dress
that was given to me by Chanel.

As you can see, it's beautiful.

I have lots of their dresses,

Magda, is it possible... No. No.

Gwendoline? Gwendoline?

Hi, how are you?

You're really tall.
Well spotted.

It's just cos I was speaking
to Lulu and she's,

well, frankly quite small. Great.

Last ones, please. Good grief.

Oh, Christ, love, we can
see your bumhole. This way.

Do you think Kate's already here,
darling? Hiya, hiya, hiya.

Where's Kate? Where's Kate?
Darling, just be cool, Eddy.

Yeah, I am cool, darling. I am cool.

Oh, shit! Lulu.
Forgot to ring her.

What'll I tell Lulu?

Oi! You're not wearing
my clothes, are you?

No, darling, no.
This is all TK Maxx. TK Maxx!

I can't stand that woman.

Let it go. Just breathe.

Stella, darling.

Hi, sweetheart. Is your father
with you? Is little Pauly with you?

No. Oh, that's a shame.

I was hoping to have
a little catch-up with him.

I haven't seen him since 1969,
sweetheart. Know what I mean?

Ugh, God, and the world blamed Yoko.

My shoes I just adore.
So comfortable.

They're also made by Chanel.

And are made of really soft leather.

Huki Muki!

I need a piss.

Huki! Huki!

Just a word, please!
Huki! Huki! Huki Muki!

Sorry, Huki won't speak.

Why do you think there's been
such a Huki Muki revival?

It's about blobs.
Great, big blobs of colour.

OK, but why now?

It's simply that we're
ready to see it again.

Uh, thank you very much.

Claudia Bing, an incredible woman.

You know, Richard, you really
can't go wrong with Chanel.

I've been a big fan of Karl's

for so many years,
and I love what he does.

And glasses off.

And glasses on again, darling.

Ladies and gentlemen, La Roux!

# He wants to know

# What it feels like... #

Excuse me.

Just looking for my mate, Kate.

# She wants to know

# What it feels like

# To settle down
Settle down

# He's got the money but... #

Have you seen Kate? Have you seen
Kate Moss? No.

Just looking for Kate.

# He wants to pounce... #

You're joking.

# Never know if he's giving you up

# Are you just not good enough? #

Lulu, my darling,
I thought you were singing tonight.

That's what I was told.

Do you know what? She's done
this to me before, as well.


You. You told Lulu
this was her gig!

You know what, darling?
It is, it is, cos afterwards,

they've said that you can sing
Shout. A capeli.

I will bloody murder her.

Has anyone seen Kate?
I'm supposed to meet her.

MAGDA: Right, get me half a Bass
in a straight glass, all right?

And something to eat, but I
don't want nothing with tentacles.

And none of that dim sum bollocks.
Get me a sandwich.

# He wants to know... #

Kelly Hoppen.
What's your take on all this colour?

To be honest, it's doing my head in.

Eddy, darling,
little Kate is on the balcony.

She's out there, darling!

Oh, Lola, Lola, follow,
come on, follow.

Sweetie! Sweetie!

It's Brienne of Tarth!

Come here, Lola! Come here!

Are you OK?


No, I just...I have
this nightmare PR.

Oh, I got rid of mine.
Good for you.

Eddy, I'm going to
roll away the Hamm.

All right, darling.

Yeah, I don't even know
what they do. Who does?

Oh, watch out.

Hi, Jonny. Patsy. Stone.


Hamm. Jon. Hamm.

Don't you remember me, Jonny?


Jonny Jonny from the Big Apple,

needing a little taste
of the English rose, darling?

Oh, God.

Yes, I do. I was 15.

Yeah, but you were a
very big 15, sweetheart.

I want you to go over there and
just, like, talk to her casually,
all right?

And then what?

Well, then I'm going to
come over and join you,

and she'll think I'm cool, and,
you know, before you know it,

I'll be doing her PR, darling.

That's the plan? Yeah. Jesus.

I can't believe you're still, uh...


Can I offer you a little
taste of something now? No.

Oh, come on, Jonny, come on, Jonny,
come on. No, thank you. No. No.

You took my virginity.

Please leave me my...

..sanity. Good luck.

Oh, Jonny, Jonny...
Hi, Kate, sweetie.

Jonny? Jonny?

OK, go, go, go!

Just talk to her. Big me up!

Yes, yes, yes. Smoke, smoke.


Kate? Claudia Bing.

Edina Monsoon! Oh!



Why did you do that?!
She fell.

You pushed her.
No, she fell!

I saw you!

Kate Moss has been pushed!


Kate! Kate!

Kate Moss!

Hold on. I'll go in!

You are not going in!
Put your jacket straight back on!

Eddy! She'll pop up!
It's only water!

Someone call the police!

It's just water, I mean,
why isn't she popping up?! Kate!

Eddy, why did you do this?

I didn't do it! Why did you
do this, Eddy? She just fell!

Eddy, this is my party!

I've got a limp and
I don't even know why.

Get them all down, right? I don't
want to see anything on camera.

Right, the only thing is...

I fucking hate parties.

I fucking hate handbags!


Oh! Me leg. Good Lord.

Magda! Selfie, Magda!
Fuck off!

Get them off.

That woman has always been a
liability, always out of control!

Kate was trying to get
away from her.

I was shocked.
I saw it happen.

She was pushed.

Did I miss something?

This is the scene here,
where, just a few hours ago,

the celebrated international
model Kate Moss

fell or was pushed from a balcony
over here, down into the Thames.

Since then, the
emergency services say

they have been struggling
to cope with the aftermath.



It's my little toe!

She fell off her shoe.

Looking for Kate!

Get back. One more dance.
Baby, please.

I'm OK. I didn't fall in the river.
I'm OK.


Shut up! You shut up!

How bad can this be?
I mean, you know.

You have probably killed Kate Moss.


Spoilt your night out?

That doesn't matter.

I shouldn't have let you go.
I don't know what I was thinking.

She'll be all right, won't she?

Kate, Kate, you know,
she's waterproof.

That's what we always say about
Kate, she's waterproof.

I demand to see your superior!

That would be me. Nick?!

This is Detective Inspector Nick...

We know each other, thank you. God.

Don't. Yeah.

Hello, hello?
Have they found Kate?

No. No. The currents
are very strong.

Only an outside chance...
Yes, thank you.

She will either have drowned

or will just be very, very wet.

In the meantime, you're here
for your own safety.

There's a very well-coordinated
lynch mob outside.

What happens now?

Well, I don't think this has
to change anything between us.

No, about this! Oh.

I have witnesses to say
that your mother pushed her.

No! I didn't want her to die!

No, she needed her!
Loved her!

We don't know that she's dead yet.

Or even that it isn't murder.

Thank you.

Manslaughter charges
might be brought.


Oh, God.

Police continue to search the Thames
after fashion icon Kate Moss

fell from a balcony at
a Huki Muki...


There is a real sense here now
of devastation. Local people,

friends, eyewitnesses
are in disbelief.

They are reluctant to leave
the banks of the Thames

while any faint hope remains

of Kate Moss being found alive.

We're expecting the police
to hold a news conference

to give us the latest information
they have about this incident.

Now, back to the studio.

And some breaking news for you.

The PR guru Edina Monsoon,

the woman at the heart of
a police investigation,

has returned to her
West London home.

EDDY: Don't drive off
until I'm in the house!

Oi! Oi!

Edina, over here! Edina!

Stop hounding me!
I'm not an animal!


TEARFULLY: She was, like, someone
that I...I really looked up to.

She wouldn't give a fuck
what we think.


Devastated. I'm so confused.

Is there really nothing else
happening in the world?

Fashion is dead.

Oh! What? Oh!

OMG. What, darling?

You're trending on Twitter. Am I?

You're a hashtag.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, no, this is horrible. What?


Oh! Oh, they hate you!

Who? Who? Well, well.

Oh, here she is.

Here she is.

The fat woman!

Yeah, just do the toes.

Your fat little toes?

Your fat little celebrity toes?

Yeah, yeah. Right.

Fat woman kills thin woman.

You don't know anything!
It was an accident!

Nothing about you is an accident.

May I suggest...

..Fat Pink?

What are you doing?
Oh, here we go.

Just doing my...this is
my therapy, sweetheart.

When are you going to,
just for one moment,

take in the enormity of
what has happened?

When are you just going to
stop rolling through life,

wanting more and more?

Look at this house.
Nobody needs a house this big!

I do.

You see?
Even your house is fat.

Well, I'm on a diet.

You're always on a diet, Mum,
but you're always fat. Mmm-hmm.

Because you never stop eating!

Now, will you please

just stop for one second
and look at what you've done?


Oh, I love that girl.

Your death threats, m'lady.

# Like a bird

# On the wire

# Like a drunk in
a midnight choir... #

Now everybody bloody hates you!

Stupid bloody drunk!

You mucky bitch.

You filthy scunner!

You make me sick.

# Like a worm on a hook... #

I'm innocent, yes.

It's Patsy Stone.
But I am innocent. I'm innocent.

Excuse me, guys.
I'm the victim here.

I'm Patsy Stone, but I am innocent.

That's it, Patsy, lovely.
Thank you, darling.

# To be free. #

Yeah. Yeah, thanks.


Can you just shut up,
please, darling?

Cos I'm trying to
do my Mindlessness.

I'm being trollied on Twitter.


Everybody hates me.

When I was coming in earlier,
a woman screamed at me, darling.

What did she say?

She told me I was a pariah.

Do you know what a pariah is?

It's a fish.


That's right.

Flash, flash, flash.
Flash for Patsy.

Patsy, flash, flash, flash.

Ugh, Eddy.

You killed Kate Moss!

I've lost my job because of you!

And now I am nothing, as well.



It's from Stella McCartney.

How many "Om"s have I given you?

How much money have I given you?

Where is my enlightenment?

Where is my nirvana, you
stupid, blue, buggering Buddha!



Ba-ding-ding-ding-ding, cha...





Sorry you lost your job, darling.

You're not nothing.

Cheers, thanks a lot.

It's the first thing
I've ever had from Stella.

Oh, Eddy.

So the little scrap drowned.
Well, people will forget that.

They've forgotten a lot worse.

I mean, look at lovely Hugh.

He unzipped his chinos
for a prossie blowjob

and we forgave him.

In fact, I think we loved
him a little bit more after that.

I mean, she's probably popped up
somewhere, hasn't she?

Just confused and shivering.

Poor little tiny, wet Katie,
flapping about in the mud.

Washed up on the Isle of Dogs.


I mean, Eddy...

..things float.


Yeah, things drift, and they float.

I mean, why aren't those idiots
floating something down the river?


..if you want something done,
you've got to do it yourself.


Right, it's the right place
and the right time.

What for? Shut up.

Right. Are you ready, Pats?

Ready, Eddy. Ready for what?


Go, drift.



Where is she, Ed?
Darling, I don't know. Bubble?

She swims too fast. Bubble!

There she is. Go forward!
What is she doing?

Bubble! Fish her out,
the little insect.




Darling, she fell off.

Bubble. Eddy.

It's OK, no-one saw.

No, but, Eddy, they'll find her!

Just go, then! Just go, go, go!

Go, darling, go, go, go.

Oh, that's great, isn't it?

Now I've killed two people!

Oh! Come on!

Eddy, we've got to get away.
We've got to go now.

But where? Where? I mean,
I can't leave the country, can I?

I'm a marked woman!

We could go north. North?

Well, what, south?

I don't know, darling,
you know what we need.

Yeah, we need money. Yes.

Darling, darling. Listen.

When this is actually over,

and it will actually be
over one day, darling... Yeah.

..will you please just remind me...

..to go back for the boots that
I just saw in Westwood window.

Eddy? Yeah? What is this?

Darling, it's a onesie. Oh.
Right. Mm.

Eddy, I've got some pills.

Yeah, pills, pills, pills.

I've got some little blue ones,
little pink ones. Oh, little pinky.

That one, I'll have that little blue
one. What's that?

It's a button. It's...it's a button!


I mean, maybe I should just resign
myself to my fate, darling.

I mean, I can't redecorate
my way out of this one, can I?

You bitch!

No, Eddy, no, we've got to escape.

We've got to get out of the country.

Darling, I haven't got any money!

Why didn't you marry some of
those rich men you slept with?

That wasn't the point.

There must be someone. There must
be someone, darling. Someone.

Think. We've got to make
a serious plan. Think!

We could try a bong.

I've got a bong.


Yeah, because everyone used to die

In old cavemen historical times,
they didn't reach the age of 30.

And that's why now, everyone's young
and they just want to go so fast,

but when you're our age, you're
completely lost, because...

..we should all be dead.

Shouldn't we, darling?
No, Eddy, no!

It's very good to die young.

It is good to go young. Yeah.


Ah! Oh!

Oh, no, it's ash. That's all right.




Eddy, there was Charlie.

Charlie, darling?

Yeah, Charlie Douglas.
He had an enormous yacht.

Ah, he never married.

He said I was the only girl
he would ever marry.

He said he would wait for me.

Oh... We had some good times, Eddy.

We had good times. And he was rich!

Charlie... He was very rich!

Eddy. Yeah?

Saffy's little birth blob has money.

Darling. We need Lola.
We need to take Lola.


Oh, we need Lola.

I can hear everything
you're saying, you know.


Are you looking for my money
so you can go find Charlie?

No, no, no, darling. No, no, no.

Yes! Give us your credit cards
and you won't get hurt!

Why should I?

Oh. Oh...

Because, all right, darling,
now, you listen to me, all right?

I've messed up, I know that,

but that's going to happen to
anybody who really lives life,

who REALLY lives life, darling.

And do you know what?
I now know who my friends are.

Husbands, they come and go,
but my friend has stayed.

Why does she stay?

Because it's bloody good fun.

We have fun!

It's good fun, darling. Do you see?
And you know what?

There's so many great times
out there waiting for us.

And I don't want to miss them.

We don't want to miss them, do we,

Or would you rather stay here?

You know, with Mum.
Dull old Mum.

Or come with us, sweetheart.

Come with us. For fun.

Fine. Yes!

You're going to need more
than the card.

We can't just walk out of
the house in broad daylight.

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah.
We need help. More help.

Who else would be stupid enough
to help you two?



So what is Patsy's plan?

Just do what I do.

We've got to sneak into the house
looking perfectly normal.

It's going to be a nightmare
with all the paparazzi. Right.

Excuse me! No, no, no!
No photographs! No photographs!

But no-one is taking any photos!

Extraordinary. It's as if
they don't know who we are.

Missed a perfect opportunity.
Get in. Get in.

No photos, no photos.

Come on, dear.

Police are urging the crowd
to move on now.

The flowers and offerings
of Hunter Wellingtons

and bottles of Sauvignon Blanc

are proving a hazard to shipping.

SAFFY: Oh, for God's sake,
turn it off.

We can't, darling.

We're drunk and have
eaten too many drugs.

As per usual.

Where's Mum?

What has happened to Kate Moss?

Where is she? What in
the world is going on?


Quick, quick, quick, quick.
Come on, Fleur, come on, come on.

Get into this taxi,
where we're going almost nowhere.

Get into the car, what took you so
long? Hurry up, Fleur.

It's these bloody shoes.
All right, taxi, drive.

Drive, drive!

Welcome back.

So, Lily, can you tell us
how you're feeling about Kate?

Well... Put it into words.

Well, I... Sad?

I didn't actually know her
very well.

But you're devastated.


Heartbroken. Thank you so much.

Your feelings are shared
by a nation still in shock.

How's your mother holding up?

It seems to be taking
its toll...facially.

I'm going to wake Lola up.

I can't believe she slept this long.

Let her sleep. She's a grown-up.

She's 13.


I want you to know something.

I'm sorry I went out that night.

I, uh...

..should have stayed with you.

Then perhaps you wouldn't have
got caught up in all this mess.


I love you.


Lola's gone. She's gone!

She must have gone
with them!

You have to tell me
where they've gone.

Tell me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down.

Where have they gone?!

We don't know. We weren't told.

A girl has only one confidante,
and mum's the word.

Oh! Her hairdresser,
Christopher... Oh!


Well, I knew she spoke to him,

because she cancelled
her next appointment.

Look, don't panic.

It's only a problem
if they've left the country.

Welcome to "Bou-jay",

where the only tossers
are our baggage handlers.

How are you? Hi.

Morning. Welcome to "Bou-jay"...
Oh, shut up.

..where we wing it.

PILOT: Welcome onboard
Budget Airlines. Oh, God.

This is flight BD115 to Nice.

Where's first class?
Down the back?


There's no first class.

It's just first ass
on any available seat.

We are three. There's only two here.
There's only two seats.

The middle one isn't a seat,
it's where you put your bag. Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, they're all seats.
Uh, you put your bags up top. What?

Oh, God. Uh...

No, I don't...I don't put the
bags up. I'm the designated DNB.

"Do Nothing Bitch."

Thank you. Ow! All right.

Sandwich. Heads up.

Can we get some free drinks
and nuts from the bitch?

Oi, waitress? We want our
complimentary drinks and nuts.

Um...oh, you have to prepay for
all the snacks and the beverages.

Just get your credit card,
slip it through your slot.

Uh, ma'am, I'm sorry, you're
going to have to take your seat.

I need a piss.

Yeah, well, it'll have to wait.

I've started.

I hate how you have to be nice
to transgendered people now.

Just reach around and get that
lady's red wine. No. No!


Oi! Drop the fag, hag!

What is your problem?



Cheers. Don't get that
on British Airways.

# Les filles, les garcons

# Les garcons et les filles

# Ne pensent qu'a chahuter

# C'est normal... #

Woohoo! We actually did it, Pats!

Oh, Eddy, we did it!

Yes, we're free, free!

We can breathe! Breathe!

Darling, we're going to
join the jet set.

Yes! The jet set.

So you're going to marry
this Charlie, then?

Yeah, no, Patsy's going
to marry him, darling,

and then he's going to die and
we're going to get all the money.

How old is he?

Oh, he's ancient.

He's old!
He's, like, on death's door.

Actually, he's the same age as me.


Darling... We need
more champagne, darling.

No, it's nearly over its limit!

What does that mean?

It means we need Charlie's
big bucks, darling,

if we're ever going to
live the dream, sweetheart.

Oh, Eddy, the dream. The dream.
The dream, darling.

# But where do you go to my lovely

# When you're alone in your bed

# Tell me the thoughts
that surround you

# I want to look inside your head

# Yes, I do. #

I just need to buy some champagne.

What's that in French?
Champignons, champignons.


We need to get out of
these clothes, Ed.

No, it's all right, darling. No-one
knows us here. We're all right.

It's just they're so horrible!

Oh, Eddy.



Baby Bunton, Pats.
Baby Bunton.


Eddy, Eddy, Eddy.


Why can't we go anywhere in the
world without knowing someone?

She didn't see us. Phew!

I think I've just seen
Edina Monsoon.


Well, unless you've seen
a mannequin that fat before.



Hiya! You OK?

I've booked you into hot yoga
after this.

You do it in an actual oven. Ooh!

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Just don't think
about Edina Monsoon.

Oh, thanks.


It's Emma Bunton.

What? Emma Bunton?

No. Edina?!

She's WHERE?

Have you called the police?

Yes! And I'm going
over there to make sure

the police do their job!

Her PA has a house near Cannes.

Bubble has a house there? Yeah.

And you talked to her?

Yeah. She's had a terrible time.
It's been quite a saga.

# Boum
Quand notre coeur fait boum... #


# Tout avec lui dit boum... #

What's that?

# Et c'est l'amour
qui s'eveille... #

That's nice. EBay.


Oi, you!

Bonjour. Bonjour.

Have you been in the water long?

All bloody night.
Did you jump?

Did I, buggery. I was pushed!

# Boum! #

Lola won't answer any of my calls,

and I've tried every
number for Christopher.

He won't answer. I'm going to
have to go and look for him.

Well, at least she's with
your mother. And Patsy.

My daughter is with Patsy.
I'll come with you. No.

Your mother's got to be back in
three days for the primary hearing.

I don't care about my mother.
No, I'm sorry.

Let me. No!

I'm better on my own.


# Shoot that poison arrow
to my heart, heart, heart

# Shoot that poison arrow
to my heart... #

Oh, hello. I know you.

Yes, my mother used to
bring me here as a child.

# Shoot that poison arrow
to my heart, heart, heart

# Shoot that poison arrow

# Shoot that poison arrow... #

Christopher, I know you're
here. I just saw you.


My daughter's gone missing

and I think you might know
where she's gone.

Clear off, you little wet wipe!


Just sing something.

That'll quieten them down.


Oh, get off, you little bitch troll!


# I learned the truth at 17

# That love was meant
for beauty queens

# And high school girls
with clear-skinned smiles

# Who married young and then retired

# And those of us with ravaged faces

# Lacking in the social graces

# Desperately remained at home

# Inventing lovers on the phone

# Who called to say
"Come dance with me"

# And murmured vague obscenities

# It isn't all it seems at 17. #

So who is this Charles, then?

Oh, he's just some old scrotum
that Patsy knows.

More money than marbles.

Charles was rather superb, actually.

Back in the days when the South of
France was really something

and God created woman

and Brigitte Bardot
was just out of nappies.

She's back in 'em now.

What did Charles do? Films.

What kind? Art films.

Oh, porn!

Well, no, no. For connoisseurs...

Gentlemen. Yeah.
Gentlesseurs. Yeah.

And if you don't find him?

This is my old hunting ground.
Plenty of prey out there.

And they won't need
beaters to flush 'em out

once they sniff me up the Croisette.


Right, so the plan is, we're
going to start at Violet's party,

aren't we? Yeah. Because all
the old guys will be there.

My mother's not aware of anything,
and Violet's not going to care.

We're in the South of France,
everyone's a criminal!

Plenty of cleavage, Eddy.
Yeah, I will, darling.

I'm wearing this. It should still
fit. But not those shoes, Eddy.

No, these shoes, darling.
No, not those shoes.

No, but I like these shoes.
They make you hobble.

Yeah, well, I'm going to wear
these shoes anyway.

Cos I've got thin ankles.

ALL SING: # We all play the game
and when we dare

# We cheat ourselves at solitaire

# Inventing lovers on the phone... #

Oh, my God.
What that woman has done to you.

You have to tell me where she is.
Do you know?

Cannes. Cannes in France. Thank you.

And, hey.

Make your own kind of music.



You seem to be very lucky at this.
No, it's not lucky.

It's just that I
play a bad hand well.

Don't we all?

OK, keep behind us.

Stay behind. Don't come with us.
This is it, Eddy.

I'm looking good, I'm looking...

Oh, Eddy, look how young we are.

Look at the sad shoes.

It's all leopard print
and liver spots.

It's like old age camouflage.

I smell formaldehyde.

What on Earth are you doing here?

Mrs M.

Just looking for the party.
Well, this is it.


Christ, is that Violet?

What is this,
some late-life lesbo party?

Where are the men?

They're all on the terrace, dear.

We have to make do with cards
and a little dancing.

It's quite nice, actually.

Terrace, terrace, terrace.

Yeah. Yeah.

You stay here, you stay with
the old ones. We're off.

Ooh, look, Pats,
not hobbling, not hobbling.


Ah, this is more like it, Eds.

Yeah. This is our kind of
party, darling.

Oh, yeah, we fit in here.

Hey, Monty.
How's things?

No ex-wives allowed here.

You need some help, old ladies?

The place is full of weird babies,

Little, stretched foetus faces.

Patsy! Patsy!

It's Charlie. Jesus!
Stay here, Eddy.

My God! I'd know
those tits anywhere!


Oh, Charles, darling.


What are you doing here, Patricia?

Charles, darling, looking for you.


Still got the yacht, Charlie?

I've got a big one.

The trouble is,

the girls all want their
own cabins these days.

Oh, Charlie, do you remember
the old days?

You... Fiona
and that Kristel wench.

No, no, Charlie. I meant us.

Black Emanuelle meets Hitler.

I loved that film!

Do you remember waking up together
in hot, sweet Saint-Tropez?

Walking across the duckboards
down to the fairy blue sea?

Oh, I miss those times.

So do I, Charlie.

But you know what I really miss?

Yes, Charles?

Pubic hair.

I'm sick of those Brazilians and
those Hollywoods.

They're so bald, so boring.

I had a full beard in those days.

But I suppose you are what you eat.


Charlie, Charlie, Charlie,
look at me.

Remember you said you
would only ever marry me?

Uh, I might have said that.

Well, Charles, I'm ready.

My answer is yes.

Steady on, Patsy, steady on.

As you can see, we're
very well catered for here.

Charlie, you always said
I was the one.

I think he's tired of you now.

Isn't she terrific looking?

Charlie, she's a gold digger.

I'm a gold mine.

Oh, by the way,
steer clear of the Jacuzzi.

It's a smoothie of old sperm.






No luck?


You see, dear, we're all
too old now.

Oh, shut up.

Come on, Eddy! It's my birthday.

Come on, come on.


Enjoying yourself? No.

No, I'm young! You see,
I'm still young.

I'm not old. I'm not old.

I'm young. I'm so young

Because 60 is the new 40!

60 is the new 40!

No! Not the sad feet!


Oh, ow! Ow. Careful, now!

With your reputation
for galumphing into people,

we don't want you to
trip over the Duchess.

What is that?

She's the Dowager Baroness Lubliana
Thysen von Rothschild und Muck.

Pats, Pats, Pats, Pats, Pats.

That is the richest woman
in the world. Yeah.

No, darling, that...

..is the richest woman in the world!

No, Eddy, no, no, Eddy, no!

Yes, yes, yes. Just come on. Eddy!

Oi! Where are
you two off to?

Laundry. You come, too.

REPORTER: Reports from a source
close to the investigation

suggest Edina Monsoon may have
fled the country.

This is for you. Oh. Merci.

Hello? SAFFY: Hello, Gran?

Oh, hello, Saffy, dear.
Is Mum there?

Yes, your mother and Patsy are here.

What about Lola?

Is she with them, Gran?

Well, she was, dear.

Oh, my goodness. I must go

because Shirley Bassey is arriving
any minute now.


MUSIC: Big Spender

# The minute you walked in the joint

# I could see you were
a man of distinction

# A real big spender... #

Very nice.

# Good looking, so refined

# Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's going on in my mind?

# So let me get right to the point

# I don't pop my cork
for every man I see... #

May we join you? Who are you?

I am Edina.

May I introduce my brother Pat?

# Spend a little time with me... #

Stone. Pat Stone.


Do you know who I am?

Dowager Baroness Lubliana
Thysen von Rothschild und Muck.

So you're not partying
with all the other men?

No, he likes older women.

Not those girls.

# Hey, big spender... #

We want a proper shuffle,
no fuzzing the cards.


# With me-e-e. #

# Spring was never
waiting for us, boy

# It ran one step ahead

# As we followed in the dance

# Between the parted pages

# And were pressed

# In love's hot fevered iron

# Like a striped. #


Je vous souhaite bienvenue,
freres et soeurs.



Pat Stone.



Yeah. Promettez-vous de l'aimer?

Yeah. De la respecter?

Oui. De l'encourager?

OK. De vivre avec
elle dans la verite?



Yes. Yes, absolutely.

Vous pouvez embrasser la marie.



Oh, what a rainbow world we live in.



Till death do you part,
till death do you part.

How long do you think that'll be,

Eddy, Eddy, let Lubey have her
moment. Come on, sweetie, be cool.

My darling Pat.

You feeling all right? Oh...

# MacArthur Park is melting
through the dark

# All that sweet green icing
flowing down

Still got it, hasn't it,
the Riviera, darling?

Yeah, baby, it's still got it.

Where are we going?

The Grand-Hotel Du Cap-Ferrat.

Oh, Eddy, the six finest
words in the English language.

Are we booked in?

No need, it's mine. I own it.


I'm so happy. Are you?

Tremendously happy.

You and I are married.

So... So...




Now, it's late, darling.
Bed beckons.

Does it? Um, another drink?
Perhaps some nibbles?

I'm tired.

Oh, I'm tired, too.

Would you mind if I retired?

Stay and drink with your sister.

I don't mind. Enjoy the evening!


And thank you.

I may be the richest woman
in the world,

but also sometimes the loneliest.

Oh, Lubey.

Am I interrupting something?
No, darling. Oh!

Au revoir.

Oh, Eddy.

Little Lubey, Eds... Mmm.

..is a darling.

Oh, wasabi nut, wasabi.

Thank you, darling.

How are you feeling?

Tremendously happy.

What if they've found Bubble,

Darling, don't think about it.
They can't tie it to us.

Yeah, yeah.

Eddy, living well is
the best revenge.

This could be our life, couldn't it?

This IS our life.
We're not going back.

And what's to miss?
It's just things.

Well, darling, you've never
had attachments, have you?

They're not attachments.

They're parasites, ticks, danglers.

You can buy new things.



We're not going back.

Do you want a vodka in that? Yeah.

LULU: I can't believe you
can afford a place like this.

BUBBLE: Well, I do her accounts,

and I've been overpaying
meself for years.

'Twas nowt but a wormhole
when I bought it, though.

She's an idiot and she tried to
kill you, don't forget that.

I know, but...

Look, I called the police.

They will find her.
And she will get it.

La police est a la
recherche d'Edina Monsoon

et de son amie, Patricia Stone...

Hello, Saffy, dear. Gran.

Funniest thing... I was wrong.
Lola's not here?

It turns out it wasn't
Shirley Bassey, it was a lookalike.

Gran, where is Lola?

I have no idea, dear.

Come on, Gloria.

Have you got the balls?

Oui, bien sur.


Emma? Lola!

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I found her cleaning my room.
They gave her to housekeeping.

I'm so glad you're safe. Mmm-hmm.

I love you.


What are you doing here?

Oh, it's a long story.

Lulu called the police because
I saw your mother here.





Oh, uh...

Hang on. Can you look after Lola?

Of course.
I won't be long, I promise.

Nick, I found Lola.

I found your mother.
I don't care about my mother.

Yes, you do. Drive!


Go. Please.

I don't normally like the stuff
you get in hotel lobbies,

but this is quite nice.

It's fabulous.

Oh, I could get used to this,

I am used to it.

Where's the wife?

She's coming down in the funicular.
She'll be hours.

I tell you something, Eddy.

Little Kate Moss, thank you.
Thank you!

Oh. I mean, darling...

this could be the first day
of the start of the whole days

of the rest of our lives,
couldn't it, really? Yep.

Thanks to Lubey.
Yeah, thanks to Lubey.

Are you growing
attached to Lubey, darling?

We are just waiting for her
to change her will and die.

Oh, Eddy. I mean,
has she changed her will yet?

All in good time, Eds,
all in good time.

Oh, I say. Hello.


I'll just go and check that out.


Saffy, listen. I'm not coming home,
so stop phoning me!

I've got the rest of my life to live
and I'm going to bloody live it.

I'm done with all of you,
so forget me.

Just forget me.

# I'm walking down the road

# Looking at trees

# All the people going by

# They say, "How do you look
so good today, Eddy?"

# I say,
"I don't know. I don't know..." #

Et voila, monsieur. So...

have you been working here long?

You look pretty...

Oh, the moustache.

You're pretty gorgeous, too.

NEWSREADER: La gendarmerie nationale
et la police collaboration

a cherche Edina Monsoon

suite a la disparition du top modele
international Kate Moss.

Eddy, Eddy! Eddy!

Eddy! What, darling?

The pigs, the fuzz...
Your face!

We've got to leave.
The pigs, the fuzz, your face!

The pigs, the pigs!


Come on, Eddy,
we've got to get out of here.

Cover your face. Just hide, hide.



Excusez-moi, madame?

I say!

Excusez-moi, madame?

Can I help you?



Quick, quick, quick, darling!
Get in!

Allez, allez!

I am allez-ing.


Go left, go left!

Keep going, Eddy!

Go left!

At the end, go left.


Left here. We've been left!

What's that pedal?
Press that pedal.

That pedal! That pedal there!

Oh. Oh.

No, not that pedal.
Not that pedal.

Watch out!

Oh, God! Merci.

That was quite nice, actually.

Arretez! We've lost them, Eddy.

Shall I keep going?
Yeah! We're not giving in!

Watch out!

Bloody bicyclettes!

We're not going back.
We're not going back.

Brake, Eddy!

Oh, God! Whoa!


I mean, she could be anywhere.

Bubble, you're alive!

Welcome to my humble abode.

Lulu? What are you doing here?

I want to see you pay.

Mum! Saff. Oh, shit.

Get out!

No, no.

Don't be ridiculous.

Nick's come to take you
back for the hearing.


No, we're not going back, darling.

Mum, get out of the water!


Eddy, we're sinking.

Do get out of the pool,
Mrs Monsoon.

I would rather die, darling, than
go back to all those hating faces!

I mean, look at me, darling.

All I've ever wanted
was not to be fat...

and old.

You know, darling.
To just keep the party going.

Now here I am.

Just fat and old and hated...

and nothing.

Right. I'm getting in.

Darling, I know you think
I don't know who I am...

..and what I've done...

But I do, darling, I do.

I'm disgusting.

Always wanting everything,
always taking more.

Wearing stupid...

ridiculous, small, small, small,

stylish, stupid,
ridiculous clothing!

You think it's hard living with me?

You should try being
at this end, darling.

And it is all about me, isn't it?

It has been all about me.

And me, Eds.


I've never given you
the love that you deserve.

Before I go...

I want you to know that I love you.

I love you, Mum.

And Lola, sweetheart.

And Pats.


It's all right.

You can let me go, darling.

Let me go. I'm going to join Kate
in the watery grave. Let me go.

Kate's not dead.

What? What? What?

She lives!


Jean Paul. Where's the party?

The party is wherever you are, Kate!

I lost everyone.

Sometimes it's good
to have lost some people.

You stay with me.
We make another little party.

You stupid, bloody,
bollocking idiot!

Why didn't you say that before?

I just humiliated myself!


Hi, Kate, darling.

No, I'm working from Nobu this week.

The world is at your feet
and I can make them stay there.

Game-changing reinvention...

You are the new face
of Louis Vuitton menswear.

I know!

No, I've done a big dump.
I only represent you now.

Got rid of Emma Bunton and Lulu.

I'm gonna be a big cheese
in the Big Apple.

I am a big cheese!
Thank you, darling!


We are living the dream, darling.
We are, darling.

Here I am, Edina Monsoon,
on my way to...

my book launch. Yeah.

Oh, I lost my pelvic floor
on takeoff.

Don't worry, Eddy. We'll
pick it up on the way back.

Fashion icon Kate Moss
has been found safe and well

five days after falling
from a balcony into the river.

It's been reported she had
been resting at the home

of her new PR, Edina Mon...


Why is Kate Moss still here?

Mum's doing her PR now.

Apparently, she's never been so
in demand since she went missing.

So, darling, the plan is
we throw a huge party in Hyde Park.

Like a "Welcome Back, Kate" party.

And darling, we should get Bollinger

to give us a whole vintage.
A whole vintage, darling.

Eddy, you'll want to wear couture.

Yeah, yeah. No Stella.

And am I still sending all the bills
to Baroness Lublubliana...

Rothschild Von Thy...

What? Mum, no! You can't do that.

No, Eddy, no, no, no.

Think of our life, our dream!

You can't let this repellent
little shrew take it away from us.

Every time our life
hits a good patch,

this miserable piece of flesh
has to ruin it.

If you don't tell her, I will!

Oh, you little
bitch troll from hell.


Lubey, I have something to tell you.

I'm not a man.

I know.

And I'm not a woman.

Well, you don't mind
sleeping with him/her?

Does it mean you don't need
the strap-on? I don't know.

MUSIC: This Wheel's on Fire
performed by Kylie Minogue

# Wheel's on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode!

# If your memory serves you well

# I was going to confiscate my lace

# And wrap it up in a sailor's knot

# And hide it in your case

# If I knew for sure
that it was yours

# But it was oh, so hard to tell

# But you knew
that we would meet again

# If your memory served you well

# Wheel's on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode!

# If your memory serves you well

# You'll remember you're the one

# That called on me to call on them

# To get you your favours done

# And after every plan had failed

# And there was nothing more to tell

# You knew that we would meet again

# If your memory served you well

# Wheel's on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode! #

MUSIC: Where Do You Go To My Lovely?
by Peter Sarstedt

# You talk like Marlene Dietrich

# And you dance like Zizi Jeanmaire

# Your clothes are
all made by Balmain

# And there's diamonds
and pearls in your hair

# Yes, there are

# You live in a fancy apartment

# Off the Boulevard Saint-Michel

# Where you keep
your Rolling Stones records

# And your friend of Sacha Distel

# Yes, you do

# Oh, but where do
you go to, my lovely

# When you're alone in your bed?

# I know the thoughts
that surround you

# Cos I can look inside your head. #

People should go back to
watching videos of kittens.

Now bugger off.