Abnormal Attraction (2016) - full transcript

You want
me to do what with this?

You heard what I said.

Don't defy me.

Just do... as I say.

Yes, madam, it's just that...

Stop complaining.

You want to keep the position
I have given you here,

then you have to
prove your worth.

Okay, I just don't understand

how this is going
to help us find her.

I mean, he doesn't
know anything.



It's much more than that.

I can easily find
another chair for you.

Can I just say something here?

You have no right to speak.

Besides, you should be grateful.

You get to be my first guest...

Clover.

From now on, this
camp is officially...

...open for business.

Ooh.

Whoa!

A longstanding feud that
has come to the forefront

of popular discussion
in recent months

has escalated dramatically.



Unprovoked violence and riots
have become commonplace.

The world sees a
need for change,

but is still unclear on the
proper course of action.

President Shump has
consistently spoken out

against the segregation

and urged for an increase in
unity among our great states.

I'm here with a leading

non-human rights
activist, The Wicked One.

Is there anything
you'd like to say

about the president's
speech last night?

Do you think that our
country's hopes rely on

an openness to
compromise on all sides?

As you can see, this is
a very serious issue...

Fuck her right in the pussy!

Oh.

Stan!
Jesus!

Nick!

Is it so hard to say, excuse
me, Dr. Cole, occasionally?

I mean, what, did somebody
piss on your shirt?

No, no, look, okay,
my fiancee and I,

we've been having a
couple of problems lately,

and she thinks that I'm hiding
something from her, which...

Well, you're
cheating on her, right?

No, I would never do that.

I love her.

All right, what
do you want from me?

Okay, so, I've had a
lot on my mind recently,

and I accidentally scheduled
an AA meeting tonight

that I can't make.

You...

You gotta cover it for me.

Oh.
They're really good people!

You could really,
really help them,

and you might even
learn something.

Oh, I know plenty.

Okay, look, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, look, I can't
risk going to this meeting.

Look, if you cover this for me,

I'll cover your
meetings for a week.

A week?
A week.

You can catch a lot
of fish in a week.

Well, it has been a while.

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so, so much.

Just so you know, it's kind
of a weird group of people,

so it's not actually here.

What, what, what, what?!

No, it's fine!

It's 8:15, Hopkins Hall,
I'll text you the address.

You'll be wonderful,
you'll be fine!

I love you!

You'll be great!

Beautiful!

Excuse me, you know
where the AA meeting is?

You one of them?

The basement's the right
place for your type.

You know, prohibition
ended in the '30s, pal.

Hi.

And you are Mister...

Johnny.

Johnny.

Hi, Johnny.

Who are you?

Oh, well, I'm glad you asked.

Everybody, would you
please take a seat?

Hi, I'm...

Yeah, anywhere,
just sit anywhere.

I'm Dr. Stanley Cole,
and I am an alcoholic.

Hello, Dr. Cole
Hello, Dr. Stanley Cole.

I am substituting for Mr. Lane

who has a family emergency.

Why don't we go around
and introduce ourselves?

You know Johnny, and...

I'm Catherine.

Catherine.

Timothy.

Nice to meet you.

Could you speak up, please?

Tim.

His name's Tim.

Thanks, Dave.

Higgins, Dave.

Hi, I'm new.

I'm Ted, it's my
first time here.

I'm Anne.

Annie.

Anne Marie.

Whichever you'd prefer.

Annie.

I'm Bella.

I bet you have a lovely smile.

Could you show me your teeth?

Always with the teeth, Bella.

Okay.

I don't know how we
work the program here,

but um...

...just start the sharing?

Anybody have a burning desire,

something that might have
took them off the rails

a little bit this week?

Yes, Catherine.

I was tempted at the
supermarket the other day.

I was in the frozen
food section,

checking out the TV
dinners, when there he was.

It was so adorable how he climbed
to the top of the fridge,

with his sexy red
beard, cute freckles,

great style, and this
perfect little ass.

Ooh, that's what I like to hear.

Tell me more about that
perfect little ass.

Oh, my gosh, it was amazing.

Yeah, you crosstalk here?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Go on.

Anyway, just as he
reached the six-pack,

he lost his balance.

I mean, I don't
know how he did it,

but somehow he managed
to save the beer.

I felt bad for not helping him,

but I knew I couldn't
'cause I'd be too tempted.

Well, thank you for sharing.

I'm Irish.

Uh?

Timmy.

Timmy, anything you wanna say?

You know, someone
once said to me,

you know, don't wait till you
know what you're talking about

before you open your mouth, or
you'll never get the program.

You, anything, Tim.

I can't get her outta my mind.

Her or it?

Are you working the steps?

What step are you on?

The fourth.

That's usually where
I get my best angle.

What, I don't understand.

You're drinking on a step?

I'm watching her.

Thinking of her, loving
her, cherishing her,

I masturbate a little bit,

imagining our lives together,
what our kids would look like,

I masturbate some more.

Oh, this might not
be the right meeting

for you to cover that.

Oh, no, no, no,
he's in the right one.

Now, let me finish.

Er, I mean, him finish.

Could you go back to the
masturbating part again?

She's weird.

Parents are probably weird too.

Maybe they get in on it?

Okay.

Oh, sorry.

Just...

Oh, why don't we take this moment
for the seventh tradition.

Just pass the hat, would you?

And I gotta take this.

What the hell have you
gotten me into here?

What, you got
something in your ass,

and she finds it attractive?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, if, you know,
it's all right with you,

in the long run, I don't know,
maybe go for it, I guess.

What? I can't hear you.

You're breaking up here.

Let me call you right back.

Okay, who's next?

Well...
Alright.

Story you've all
been waiting for...

Mine.

It all started when I was a kid

and I lost my first tooth.

And then I fell asleep until...

Go to sleep, little one.

Shh.

You wouldn't believe
the stiffy I had.

Oh.

Weren't you nine?

Yeah.

Inches.

Oh, that's right, I forgot,
you like them small.

Anyway, back to the
feature presentation.

At this point, I had
lost all the teeth

that I was gonna lose, and I
hadn't even been able to catch

a single glimpse of her
elusive beauty again,

so I started scheming.

As you can see, that
plan fell through.

I tried again, only this
time, more recently.

Three.

Two.

One.

Oh, yeah!

You pulled out
your two front teeth?

I mean, you got rid of
your two most visible teeth

in order to make somebody
who likes teeth like you?

It's kinda dysfunctional,
don't you think?

So using that tooth as bait,

I set the ultimate fairy trap.

I almost missed my
opportunity when...

My love!

I got you!

I finally got you!

What, my love?

Baby?

Think you broke your wand.

Don't worry, the
magic's not in this one.

Oh, shit.

You know there's more
than one Tooth Fairy, Dave.

No, there isn't!

Everyone says the Tooth
Fairy, not a Tooth Fairy,

so why don't you shut up

and learn how to speak
English, you dry humper.

Bella, what brings you here?

Vampires.

They really make my blood boil.

Ghosts give me goosebumps,
and I give them goose humps.

Hold on.

I didn't even know
this was a problem.

Neither did I.

Maybe if I would've known,

I could've gotten my brother
the proper treatment.

Treatment?

That's why I'm here,

to share his story and
help whoever I can.

You see, my brother's obsession

turned out to be his downfall.

Ned was the kinda guy who
was fascinated by nature.

He loved everything
and anything in it...

...animals in particular.

There was only one thing

that my brother Ned
loved more than his pets,

and that was their ability
to grow hair, lots of hair.

Ned was bald, very bald, like
all over everywhere bald.

His envy of hair developed
into an unhealthy attraction.

That's why his most
prized possession...

was the hairiest of them all.

Hush.

Hush, my love, relax.

Relax, my love.

I want this time to
be really meaningful.

I want you to be
able to touch me...

as I touch you,

to feel me,

to know me,

to be inside me.

Now, why don't you show
me the missing link?

Oh, yes!

Yes!

♪ I'll be buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ I'll be forever
buried in the chains ♪

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ And I can't stand the face

♪ That I see in my reflection

♪ And I'm buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ Oh

♪ Oh

♪ Buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ Oh

♪ Oh

We are not meant to be with
these creatures in this way.

They deserve to be respected.

They do not exist
to be our slaves,

so please, I urge
you all to stop.

This is a sickness.

If you obsess over them,
it'll only ruin your lives.

Don't let my brother's
death be in vain.

I think Ted has a point.

I mean, there are plenty
of fish in the sea.

And you can't force love.

I mean, I think that's a lesson

that we could all take
from this, don't you?

Hey!

Fuck face!

What, excuse me?

Fuck face?

Why don't we talk
about my problems?

You don't even
know what they are!

This is my fourth session and
I've only mentioned my name.

Okay, well, calm down, Annie...

No.

It's Anne.

Okay, Anne.

What's your problem?

What's my problem?

I'll show you.

This...

...is my problem.

Oh, yeah.

Now we're in session.

This is my problem.

Who dares awaken
me from my slumber?

You!

Oh, no, shit.

Oh, shit.

No, no, you don't want me,

you want Night of
the Living Dead.

He's really fucked up.

Yeah.

You!

Who did that?!

Who did that?!

Aw, it's you again, Annie.

It's been three years!

Three years!

Have you ever spent
three years in a teapot?!

Why you being so mean to me?

You keep pulling me in
and out of this thing.

Can you please put me
back in a big lamp?

I mean, I've been
good, haven't I?

I think I know what my
last wish is going to be.

What is that?

I can't keep you bottled
up if you don't wanna be.

I wish...

I wish for you to be free.

Is that it?

Did you have your fingers
crossed or something?

I mean, what is this,
some kind of a big joke?

No, I think we're free.

We?

We, bitch?

You've been out here
waltzing around,

I've been in that damn lamp.

Okay.

I think that's all the
time we have for today.

I think we had some
good breakthroughs.

Mr. Lane will be in next week
or next month or whenever,

and I'll try to stop
by and say hello.

Okay.

Good meeting.

Hmm.

Honey, I'm home!

Hope you're nice and wet for me!

You wouldn't believe the
meeting I came from tonight.

There's some real
lunatics in that place.

But I don't care.

I've come to see my Bubbles.

My little Bubbles.

How rude of me.

Here, you want some?

Can we play hunt for clams?

You don't like that game?

Maybe I should consider
moving you to the pool.

I just don't understand
why you had to help him.

Well, he needed the help.

I mean, by the time he was
washing his hands in the urinal

which was when I figured
out that he was gone.

I made sure that
he got home okay.

Safety first.

Why won't you believe me?

I do believe you.

But you always go too far
outta your way to help people.

Yeah, it's the
right thing to do.

Well, you're
better than me, babe.

That's why I love you.

That is the only reason.

Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, mm-hm.

I love you.

By the way, thank you for lunch

and getting me out of eating
the food that they have here.

Speaking of which,

I have a wonderful dinner
planned for this evening.

Mm.

I can't wait.

Oh!

Can it wait?!

What?!
I can't make it tonight.

Why?!
I have to work.

I'm gonna be here all night.

All night?

What do they need you
to do here all night?

Honey, I told you,
I am trying to do

as much work as I possibly can.

You keep disappearing
for no reason.

I don't like it when I
wake up in the morning

and you're still not home.

Honey, I do not do this
every single night, okay?

This is a once in a while thing.

I'm trying to pay
for our honeymoon.

It's gonna cost us a fortune.

Okay.

Nick, you know how I
feel about infidelity,

so if there's someone else,

you need to just
say that right now.

Alyssa...

No.

Alyssa, no.

There is no one else.

Then be with me tonight.

I can't.

Well, I sure as hell can't
marry someone I don't trust.

Enjoy your night.

Alyssa.

Oh.

♪ I can bring you back to life

♪ I can bring you back to life

♪ I can bring you back to life

No.

No.

Come on.

Come on.

Not tonight.

Come on.

Dammit.

Come on, Falcon.

Come on.

Oh, God.

This'll work.

That should do it.

Come on.

Please, God, if you start this
car, I will love you forever.

Fuck you, God!

Fuck you!

Son of a bitch!

♪ Sit on my
hand, play a little sin spin ♪

Oh, Jesus.

You need a hand, stranger?

Or if it's a big problem,
you need two hands?

No, I'm sorry, I'm good.

You scared the shit outta me.

Ah, it's quite alright,
it's quite alright.

Let me just take a
deep look inside.

Sometimes, you have to get
real close to the base.

Here we go, one, two, three.

Ooohhh!

Ooohhh. Whoa.

Okay.

Hm.

Yeah!

There's a lot going on in here!

Lots of stuff.

Is this the new V7?

It's a beaut!

Yeah.

What do you see?

Oh, man.

Nice to meet ya!

Name's Finbar.

But only my friends
call me that.

Oh!

Ah!

Here is your problem.

Yeah!

Looks like you were using
the wrong stick of gum.

Hm.

Hm.

Not sticky enough.

No worries!

I can give you a ride.

You like to sing in the car?

Truck's a little bumpy, but
it feels nice on your heinie!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hmmm.

Mm.

That's not okay.

Hmm.

Hmmm.

You know, I'm good.

I'm just gonna, I'll
call someone for help.

You can go.

This green piece of shit.

Hm, what's this?
Mama.

Hm.

I was looking for this.

Yeah, this was nice.

Okay!

I...
You know it's just a wee

bit tight, but you
can sit on my lap.

That shan't be a problem.

I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm just fucking with ya.

You know, tweaking your tits?

You should probably
just come along with me.

It's gonna be a
full moon tonight,

and all the freaks are out.

Yeah, I know.

Just hop on in!

Sit on my face!

Ain't it nice?

Had to flip it over, though.

Wasn't too comfortable with
people sitting on my pee-pee.

I prefer they sit on my face.

I think I can fix it.

I think I'm good.

Alrighty!

Suit yourself!

I guess I'll go fuck
myself and be on my way...

'Cause mine's right side up!

Ha ha!

Get it?!

Gets me every time!

Ah, shit!

Ha!

Alright, I'll see you later.

Take care.

Yeah!

Yes, baby!

Woo-hoo!

♪ Let me do the Finger
Dance ♪

Hello?

Is anyone in there?

Hello?

Hey, sorry, I'm just
having a little car trouble.

Well, why didn't
you say so, friend?

I'm Andy of Andy's Abominable
Snow Cones, and you are?

I'm Nick, it's a
pleasure to meet you.

No, it's a pleasure
to meet you, friend.

What seems to be the problem?

I actually don't know, but
if you can give me a hand,

I could totally pay you.

Pay me?!

Nonsense!

I'd be glad to help.

We're friends.

Snow cone?

No, I'm good.

I'm actually in a
little bit of a rush.

Not a problem, not a problem.

I understand.

You see, us snowmen have
been mechanics for centuries.

Dipstick Depot, that's
my brother Ricky's place,

and Lube Palace over on 8th,
that's my cousin Freddy's,

and RJ's Rimjobs,
that's my Uncle Bobby's,

so I kinda got a feel
for these things.

Snow cone?

No.

Well, you see, your problem
here is this thing is shot.

You looked so quick.

How did you see anything?

Well, that's the other thing

you hu-mans don't know
about us snow-mans,

we have impeccable eyesight.

Except for my
brother-in-law Stan.

He's blind.

So what do I do?

Well, you should
hop in the back,

have all the snow
cones you want,

and I'll take you
where you need to be.

Alright.
Yeah!

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

We are gonna have so
much fun together!

Okay.
Yeah!

Yes!

Oh, it's good.

Yeah, it's real good.

You know, I'm felling
a little bit woozy.

Nights like this always
make me think about it.

She's fine, Hildie.

I can feel it in my bones.

One day, we will
go get her back.

But right now, you can't lose
focus on what's important.

We'll make them all pay,

even if we have to
do it one by one.

I know the importance
of what we're doing here.

My lady!

Who dares disturb us?

You, oinker!

We've captured another one!

What did I tell you

about barging in here
with useless information?

Yes, I know, sir...

And isn't capturing the humans

what we do everyday?

You seem to be telling
me what I already know.

I know, I know you know, but...

So this little piggy
needs to take his fat ass

back to his post
before I huff and puff

and sell you over
to Boar's Head.

But we found chains!

You found chains?

Monster chains.

He's one of those
monster mashers.

Monster mashers?!

Well, why didn't you say so?!

I've heard enough!

Look into this.

Yes, as you wish.

Bring him to me.

Ahhh.

Oh, where am I?

Nicholas.

Why am I here?

Who are you?

Who am I?

The question isn't
who, but what.

Alright.

What, are you?

When you think
you're alone in the dark,

tucked away safe and sound,

I am the reason you
can't sleep at night.

I'm the one that makes the
hair on your neck stand up,

when your body
begins to stiffen,

and you notice a bump rising
from beneath the sheets.

Wait.

Are you hitting on me?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Whoa, why are you
doing this to me?

Do you know that I'm a...

Do I know that
you're a monster masher?

And that you get off
on enslaving our kind

for your own
disgusting pleasures?

Monster masher?

What are you talking about?!

Oh, being coy now, are we?

So, then, what do you
have to say about these?!

I can explain those.

No need to explain.

We have all the
explanation we need.

You are one of the rare bunch

who likes to play with the
goblins' goblets, aren't you?

Or perhaps tickle
Peter Piper's pickle?

Or maybe play with
Rumpel's foreskin?

And I'm willing to bet you'd
enjoy giving our friend Andy

some abominable blue
balls to make him suffer!

No, no, no, you
got it all wrong!

Well, now it's time

to make you suffer, Mr. Lane.

I cannot guarantee you'll
enjoy your stay here with us,

but I can promise that
we'll try to make it

as pleasurable as possible.

So let me be the first to
welcome you to Camp Morningwood.

Don't understand.

I'm an AA moderator.

Oh, believe
me, by the end of all this,

you'll wish you were drunk.

Not that kind of AA.

Silence!

One day, you humans will learn
to never disrespect us again!

But until that time,

we shall give you a taste
of your own medicine.

Pig!

Pig!

Bring your fat ass over here.

Oh, give me a break.

Wait here.

9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Hop into your cage.

I'll throw you some lettuce.

Mm, I'll take eight bundles.

You sure you don't
want the bricks?

They're on sale.

No, I like the look of the hay.

It's, ahh, more natural.

More bang for your
buck with the bricks.

I'll give you a good deal.

No, no, I got
this under control.

Thank you, Gary.

Alright.

Step up, shy man, I'll be
with you in a second, alright?

So you're telling me

the Abominable
Snowman drugged you

with a grape and watermelon ice?

Yes.

You see, I find
that hard to believe.

The Snowman makes the best
grape and watermelon ice

in the whole town.

Are you serious?

I don't have time for this.

Come on, man, I'm the one
who doesn't have time for this.

I mean, he's selling
the ices for 2 dollars!

That's a great deal!

And I don't think too
kindly of you people

coming down on
monsters like this!

It's not right!

I don't hate monsters.

I help monsters.

I hate kidnappers!

You see this guy?

He's a monster!

He's a beast!

Huh?

And he's the nicest guy I know.

Are you kidnapping
any people, Beast?

He said no.

Good day, sir!

No, no, no!

Shit!

Who else can I call?

Oh.

So much nicer than the twigs.

Doc, thank God,
I need your help.

I'm being harassed and
they got me held captive.

What?

What, you got
something in your ass

and she finds it attractive?

No!

Well, I don't know.

I mean, if, you know,
it's alright with you,

in the long run, I don't know,
maybe go for it, I guess.

What are you saying?
I need your help!

What? I can't hear you.

You're breaking up here.

Let me call you right back.

Dammit!

Ooh, someone's in trouble!

Where did you get this?

What? Don't I
get a phone call?

Throw him into the double pen.

Oh, my!

Already?!

Yes!

Single won't do.

Are you sure?

Don't question me, piggy.

An eye for an eye.

Oh, God, I crack myself up.

So, did you see
the game last night?

No.

If my wife caught me watching
a game on my free time,

she'd put me to sleep.

Mm-hm.

Little trouble in Dreamland?

Oh, you can say that again.

She's really been flipping
my hourglass lately.

She doesn't seem to understand
that I got a job to do.

Mm.
I have to work

the graveyard shift.

Sounds like you got a little
sand in your vagina, buddy.

Yeah, sand, and
that's another thing.

I've had enough with this sand.

Have you ever been
down to the beach

and gotten sand in your shorts?

Hm?

Mm.

That's my life.

The chaffing on my
balls is unreal.

Your balls?

I don't wanna hear
about your balls!

My balls used to belong
to some other guy.

Ho-ho!
Yeah, yeah.

You think you got problems?

My people have been persecuted
for thousands of years.

Do you hear me complaining?

Here we go again.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Awhile back, I
was out on a date,

waiting for this hot
piece of ass to show up,

when this schmuck calls me,

"Frankenstein, Frankenstein,
Frankenstein...

...Frankenstein!"

Oh, well, that really
twisted my bolts

because after all these years,
everyone should get it right.

My name is Frank Stein!

It's Jewish!

I think that little
shit did it on purpose.

I understand.

No, I don't think you do.

You see this?

This is Frankenstein.

See him with those,
fakakta hair there?

Dr. Frankenstein made me...

Frank Stein,

or sometimes referred to
as Frankenstein's monster.

I'm okay with that.

Frankenstein.

Frank Stein.

Frankenstein.

Frankenstein's monster.

Preferably, Frank Stein.

Frankenstein.

Frank Stein.

Frankenstein.

Frankenstein's monster.

Frank Stein's monster.

Don't try anything funny!

The security is rock solid
here at Camp Morningwood.

Yes, it's easy for
me to understand,

but what about Bernie?

You get it, Bernie?

Bernie, I'm talking to you.

You may have one eye, but I
know you got two fuckin' ears!

I'm sorry.

Do you need something, Virgil?

You answer me when
I'm talking to you.

Oh, my mistake.

Sometimes, I zone out when
I'm keeping an eye on things.

Yeah, that's why you got
hit by a parked car last week,

you dopey bastard.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're what my people
would call a schlemiel.

Oh, thank you.

I've heard that before.

You're really fuckin'
stupid, you know that?

Yeah, that's why
his wife left him.

His wife didn't leave him.

She was chopped down.

He married a fuckin' tree.

Classic.

I got a new monster masher.

Why don't you
bring him in, Bernie?

But I thought I wasn't
allowed to handle the prisoners.

Nope, new rule,
straight from the top.

You got a promotion.

You're allowed inside now!

Yaaaay!

Jeez.

That's great.

I've never been inside before.

Everyone deserves to
experience the double pen.

Go pop that cherry.

Ow.

Ooh.

Okay-dokey.

Thank you.

Aw, come on, guys!

I got a promotion!

You can't do this to me anymore!

No fair.

Hey, man.

Are you okay?

Nah, just not feeling too good.

That time of the month, huh?

Yeah, something like that.

I just gotta get outta here now.

Yeah, well, don't we all?

Do you not know
what's going on here?

No.

Do you?

Oh, I do.

I really do.

So tell us what you did.

Yes, we'd all love to hear it.

I didn't do anything.

Come on.

You must be the
dirtiest of them all.

This is no place to be shy.

Tell us.

Yeah.

Don't be a chicken
shit, chicken shit.

I said I didn't do anything!

Alright!

Okay?!
Okay!

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's getting late.

Don't matter what he done,

we're all fucked,

and I mean literally, like
we're gonna get fucked tonight.

Frank just
took one of his bolts out!

And his head fell off!

Kick it, kick his head.

Ow!

Bernie?

How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good, actually.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Put it back on!

It smells like shit!

You sure you're okay?

No one wants to play with me.

I'm ugly.

You're not ugly, Bernie.

I'm not okay.

I took so many
anti-depressants last week,

I went blind in my left eye.

It's the same thing everyday.

I wake up,

I put my contact in,

I brush my tooth,

I comb my hair,

and I come to work.

The same thing.

Look, I know it's tough,

but you can't let what
others think about you

affect who you are.

You gotta be true to yourself.

See?

Our friend Bernie here
could teach us all a lesson.

Now, you guys have been here
a lot longer than I have,

and you see the
way he's treated,

and why, because he's
a little different?

Because he's a little slow.

I'm slow?!

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Being different is who you are,

and why should that
be a bad thing?

Right?

I mean, who's to say that
being different is wrong?

Oh, so touching.

Filthy little maggots,
aren't they, humans?

Oh, yes, my lady.

Oh, filthy.

Filthy indeed.

What are you doing?!

Nothing,
nothing, nothing at all.

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Any word on our new prisoner?

No, not yet,
I couldn't get him to talk,

but don't worry, he'll
crack soon enough,

and, oh, my.

What a nice crack, it is.

How could you be so
selfish, you faceless fuck?!

Jesus.

Just lounging around while
people like that are out there!

You're right, Hildie!

God, you're right!

My deepest apologies.

It's not me you should
be apologizing to,

it's poor Esmeralda.

But you can't do
that, now can you?

Because she's not here.

And I thought you
cared about her.

I do!

I don't know what
I was thinking.

Well, clearly, you weren't!

How dare he?

How dare he come into this place

meant for monsters to
live in peace, and...

Take her from us!

She's probably being
tortured as we speak.

Don't say that.

They must all
suffer for their ways.

Revenge is the only
thing that matters.

Revenge on every
one of these humans!

What's your name?

My name is Evan.

Evan, can I ask
you why you're here?

The yeti.

No, it's how you got here.

I'm asking why.

Because the monsters are mad,

and they're taking it out
on me, on all of us, okay?

Didn't we go over that, new guy?

No, we did, I just...

Why do you think
they picked you?

Because...

Well, because I haven't
exactly treated the monsters

how they like to be treated.

And why is that?

They're below us,
everyone knows it.

They're not humans, and they
shouldn't be treated like us.

That's not true.

Okay, why am I being...

What the hell

are you laughing at, Kylie?

Do you hear yourself?

What?

She's laughing 'cause
you're black, you idiot.

Okay, fine.

So you're telling me you
don't all feel the same way?

Not really.

Men are assholes.

Monsters are better.

I think they're sexy.

You see, Evan, you
can't persecute someone

for being different
than you are,

especially when in the end,
we all have so much in common.

These humans are all the same.

They can't be trusted!

Oh, yes, madam.

But don't worry, things are
being set straight as we speak.

Uh, uh, uh, that spot's
reserved for the boys.

Well, where am
I supposed to sit?

Ahh... you see,
that's just it, Hill,

I'm going away to college
at the end of summer

and you're staying
here, and maybe...

Maybe it's smart if
we just end this now,

you know, before anyone
gets too attached.

But I...

I...

I hope you lead
a miserable life.

Now, if there's anything else

you'd like to say
before you run...

Don't feel too bad.

You gave a great blowjob.

Where the hell is everyone?!

My name is Andy.

I'm a yeti, I sell snow
cones, and I hate humans.

Okay.

Why do you hate humans, Andy?

I don't... know.

Um. When did this, uhh...

When did this feeling
of hatred start?

I don't... know.

Well, do you remember
something from your past

that might have triggered this?

Well, 'cause Madam Hildie
told me to, does that count?

That counts.

Mm.
Okay.

Why did she tell you that?

Now that, that, I do know.

Alright, everybody, form a line.

I've got plenty of snow
for everyone's cones.

I got lime, I got a watermelon,

I've got a very special
dingleberry flavor.

That's my personal favorite.

You ever wanna do
something useful, Andy,

instead of being a servant
to these rotten little kids?

Hey, no cutting!

Yeah.

Hey!

You think you're so tough
with your magic wand?

You're not one of them.

You're one of us.

Soooo...

No, I don't.

I thought I did, but I don't.

I don't... know.

Can we just move on?

He clearly doesn't
know anything.

Hold on, hold on.

Actually, this is good.

This is a perfect example of...

An idiot?

A moron.

Jackass.

Homo.

No.

This is a perfect
example of somebody

who blindly follows the crowd.

Oooohhhh.

So, I hate humans because
they won't let me eat them,

what does that mean?

What's your name?

Introduce yourself.

Oh, I'm Pete.

I'm purple...

and I eat people.

Okay, and do you see how
that could create a problem?

Yeah, but why should I care?

They don't care about me.

He's right.

It's not fair.

They hate us.

They don't treat us fairly,

so why should we
act any different?

Because not all
humans are the same,

just like not all monsters
are the same, you know?

I mean, sure,
there are bad ones,

but the point is not to
stoop to their level.

Oh, so we should do nothing.

Hm, let me ask you
a question, doc.

How's that gonna work?

How is fighting them gonna work?

It hasn't worked for
anyone anywhere so far,

and short of killing
all the humans, mm,

or killing all the
monsters, it won't, alright?

It's just gonna drive
us further apart.

Snow cone?

No.

I'm gonna guess that none of
you guys felt very confident

before you ended up here, right,

that none of you really
accepted yourself.

We either do what we're
told, or what was easy,

or what took the attention
off of ourselves.

Fuck off.

Guys, the problem
isn't with each other,

the problem is with ourselves.

You know, doc, you
may be onto something.

I haven't looked in
a mirror since '92.

Come on, guys, I
know you can do this.

Can you?

I think he's right.

We're all God's creatures.

I'm sorry, guys.

Pete.

I'm sorry too.

Yeah.

Ha ha.

Yeah.

See, Bernie?

We did it.

Let's not fight anymore.

Walk out of here
friends, not prisoners.

Start the trend, buddy.

The others will follow.

You know, I'm not
the smartest, doc,

and I'm okay with that.

But I find that people who
aren't okay with themselves,

they tend to take
it out on others.

You got a good heart, Bernie.

Oh.

Hey, Alyss!

Here I am!

Mm-hm!

Come sit down.

Hey.

So, why are we here?

Because I like this place,

and I don't wanna
be eating anywhere

where they got them
things in the kitchen.

I agree with you, Finbar, but...

Can't trust 'em,
just can't trust 'em,

especially when I have to
talk to you about this.

Oh, my God.

It does exist.

Where did you get this?

I found it.

What?

I was driving to my spin class,
and I had a yeti sighting.

♪ "Habanera"

I had a feeling way
deep down in my sack,

and I knew this
could be our chance.

I spun that son bitch
around real stealth-like,

pulled a Huey Lewis, and
waited to make my move.

So I followed them all
the way to their camp,

marked it on the map,
snapped that there photo,

and came here for a
nice piece of pie.

Speaking of pie,
where is my pie?

Nancy!

Where's my pie?!

Hm?!

You were actually there?

Yeah.

After all these years...

I really started
to doubt myself.

I thought this day
would never come.

The fuck is wrong with you?

This is good!

And you're always telling me
that you're the smart one.

It is, it's just...

There are so many thoughts

running through
my head right now.

I'm finally gonna be
able to get my revenge,

to do to those monsters
what they did to my family.

Don't worry your pretty
little head of yours, Alyss.

Soon you'll be starting
a family of your own.

The American dream.

The whole 69 yards.

I mean, you're getting
married for Pete's sake.

I just can't believe that
asshole beat me to you.

Hey!

You haven't even met him yet.

He's a really great guy.

So great I don't
even deserve him.

If he's great, then you do.

But if he doesn't stop
fighting with you,

I'm gonna stick this
fork up his rectum.

Mm-hm.

Right here.

I think we fight
because we care.

When I look into his eyes, I
know how he feels about me.

Ah, those puppy dog eyes.

Somehow they just make
everything all right.

Here's your pie, Funbar.

It's Finbar.

But only my friends
call me that.

So I'm just gonna keep
calling you Funbar, then.

Ah, don't do me
like that, Nancy.

We're friends!

Hm.

Mm, yeah!

Mm!

Nice, warm apple pie.

So delicious in my mouth,
the squishy tenderness,

goes right down so easy!

Mm!

Cinnamon.

So cinnamony.

That cinnamon?

It's pecan pie!

I know!

Just a shame they're
killing all them birds.

Pelican.

So what's the plan?

We can't just walk in there.

We need weapons.

Weapons?!
Shh.

Maybe we should just slow
down just a little bit.

We're not ready for this yet.

What?

I'm just fucking with ya.

You know, tweaking your tits?

We're gonna give it to those
dirty rotten monsters tonight,

right after I excuse my asshole.

You know, it's been leaking
for about 20 minutes.

I've been sitting
here really patiently,

and it's dripping
down to my sock.

I need to change my socks now.

But I gotta do it right now

before things get a
little messy down there,

so I'll be right back.

Let me just clean up.

Mm-hm!

Ooh, there it is!

Mm.

Mmmmm.

If you're being held
here against your will,

just let me know,
I can help you.

What?

Just blink twice, I'll make
sure he doesn't touch you.

No.

Oh, my God, no,
no, he's my friend.

Okay, I'm sorry,
but you gotta see

where I'm coming from, right?

I mean, I can still
smell him here.

That's what that is?

Yeah, it's not good.

Look, just take this, okay?

This kid can take care of you

in case you ever
need protection.

Pew, guns and shit.

Also, you should call me

'cause you're really,
really pretty.

Alright, we're getting
in, we're getting out.

Whatever you do, don't tip
her off about why we're here.

Alright, but I'm not knocking.

I knocked at the last house
and it was the wrong place.

Finbar.

What?

You have a way
better knock than I do!

Okay!

You think she heard it?

Mm-hm.
Okay.

Hi!

Can I help you?

Yes, hi, ma'am.

We are looking for...

an "Eat My Eight Equal
Sign Equal Sign D."

You wouldn't happen to know
where he is, now would ya?

What?

That's the wrong paper.

Oh, that was from last week.

But I still need that.

Thank you.

We're friends of your son's.

Oh!

Well, any friend of Jamie's
is a friend of mine.

Come on in, I'm making some tea.

Okay, but we can't stay long.

Tea.

And you.

Sugar?

Yes, please.

What?

Better when it's fresh.

Thank you.

So...

How do you know my Jamie?

Well, we posed nude together
at the community college.

No, no, Finbar, you are
confusing him with someone else.

No, no, that's definitely it

Miss Alfredo's class room 111.

You know, there was a big
incident, the kid touched me.

Not a big deal...

My gosh!

Don't mind, Finbar, he
loves to kid around.

Hm.

Hm.

Did you kick me, bitch?

No.

That's, um...

So, where's my homeboy Jamie at?

Hm?

I think he's
upstairs in his room.

Good.

So...

Uh...

Is your husband home?

Oh, no, honey, he
left us a long time ago.

Actually, my piece of shit
father left me and my mother

when I was really young, so...

I'm so sorry.

It's so hard on the kids.

May I ask why you
two would fight?

Teabag.

Oh, what's up? Yeah.

What's up, pussy?

Who the fuck are you?!

What?
What's the password?!

Password?
The password,

the fucking password!

You need a password
to get up in this bitch?

Okay, okay.

Is it, uh, it's gherkin, right?

It's gotta be gherkin, hm?
That's not even close.

Okay, fat boy, let's just
calm ourselves down one minute,

and I'll come again in a second.

No, now, fucktard, before
I cut your tongue off

and I wipe my ass with it.

Okay, blumpkin!

Good, right?

I'm in...
Dude, that's even worse

than your first guess.

Okay, listen, I'm here
because someone told me

that you were the guy to talk to

for some good ol' fashioned
monster-killing weapons.

That right?

I guess you could say that.

I did say that.

Would you say that?

Listen, kind sir, we
desperately need...

What do you need?

So we found this camp where
monsters are torturing humans,

and we need to...

Use me for my uncanny
ability to fuck shit up

and make those dirty
bastards squirm?

Hell yeah, I do!

Mm-hm!

Now show me what you got!

I got blue balls!

Oh, shit!

You outdid yourself,
little plum.

Let's get physical.

You're my hero.

Mm-hm.

That's really tough, dear.

But, you know, if he's
as great as he seems,

I'm sure he'll understand.

Well, who knows?

What if he can't handle it?

What if he thinks I'm crazy
and not a good person?

Learn from my mistakes.

Honesty's the best way to go.

Alright, let's wrap
this shit up, ladies!

I got a monster to strangle

and I'm not talking about
the ones at the camp.

Going out with my friends, Ma!

You can't wear that.

Why? I look good.

No.
Fine.

We have to go.

But thank you so
much for the talk.

It really meant a lot.

It's my pleasure.

Hey, jugs!

Good luck.

Be safe!

Ahhh!

Dammit!

I mean, a man like you
is ready for anything,

and you don't think to
carry a can of bug spray?

I mean, I can kill an
elephant, but not a mosquito.

Do you ever shut up?

No!

They're all over me
and my sweet blood,

it tastes like penis to them!

What?

Penis.

I taste like penis to
these little suckers.

What is wrong with him?

What, you don't get it?

It's like that movie.

You ever see James
and the Giant Penis?

You know, there's a big penis,
everyone sees the penis,

they say, "Wow,
what a big penis."

Then the penis flies
away, and they say,

"Where'd the big penis go?"

Then it comes back and they
start nibbling on the penis,

and then they sing Kumbaya.

It's a cult classic.

I watch it every night.

Last Tuesday, I gave it
a standing masturbation.

So, you're saying peaches?

Yes, peaches.

Peaches.

Yes, peaches.

Okay, then we're
settled on peaches.

Yeah, peaches.

You know...

...like cock.

Right through this
clearing over here.

That's where I followed
that fat son bitch.

Set up.

Almost midnight.

Start cracking some skulls.

We need to wait for
our window of attack.

Yeah, I got that son
bitch right in the eye!

Bernie!

That's a bullseye!

He didn't see that coming.

Wait a minute.

There's humans down there.

What?

Oh, my God!

He ate him!

He fucking ate him!

It's gametime, guys.

Let's do this!

You heard him.

It's gametime!

That's what he said,
it's gametime, baby!

Oh, shit!

What is happening to my camp?!

Get up, Boogey!

Get up and fix this now!

My prisoners are escaping!

Go!

Christ!

Every time!

Yeah!

Run, you son of a bitches, run!

I'll kill you all!

Hm.

I think I'm outta bullets.

Hm.

Oh, no, you don't!

Come to papa!

No!
Shut up, shut up!

Yeah, shh, shh!

You know you smell like shit?

No, I think that's you.

Really?

Yeah.

Bitch!

What's going on?

Go, Mama, go!

Mama, go!
Bloody hell!

It's worse than I thought!

Here, don't let them catch you!

Shoot yourself if you have to!

Look who it is.

You.

Don't you say it.

Don't you say it!

Frankenstein.

You son of a bitch!

♪ "Ave Maria"

♪ "Ave Maria"

Can we get a hand for
Frankenstein over here?

Anybody, huh?

You?

No?

Alright.

Come on, tough guy.

Schmuck.

You schmuck.

No!

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Oh my God!

Ahhh!

I'm an animal!

I'm an animal!

I'm gonna eat ya.

You're gonna eat me?

I'm gonna eat you too!

What did you do to Nick?!

Finally complete.

Perfect.

Wolf!

Fuck!

Who is this guy?

He's gone mad!

What are you doing, man?

The humans are killing us.

We need your help!

This sand is ridiculous.

Why can't I just
do it with a wand?

Ha!

You could've just taken
one handful outta the bag.

Crazy! Crazy!

You want my balls?

You want my big fat dick?

You want my big,
fat purple dick?

Let my sister go!

What?

Let her go!

Alright.

You run along now, Missy.

I'm gonna deal with
the uglier one first.

Just because you're
extremely handsome,

doesn't mean you can
treat us like that.

Listen here,
purple nurple, okay?

I'm a full-blown
women's advocate.

I don't fight the females,

so why don't you just
go on with your way

and I'll go on my way,
back into the forest,

and I'll head home, we'll
never see each other again.

Okay? Sounds good?

Hoo, hoo.

You like that?

Uncle Finbar delivered
you some medicine.

Hm? You like it?

Hm?

Looks like you did
'cause you're speechless.

Ha ha.

My peppers.

My sweet sausage and peppers.

You bitch!

Was that you or me?

You're so dirty!

Oh, my God, yeah!

Oh, shit!

That's right!

Ohhh! Ah..

My gooch!

My gooch, you destroyed it.

That's my precious area.

You fuck!

I hope you're enjoying
last breathe of air!

And now...

I want to suck...

your dick.

What the hell?!

What'd you do that for?!

Months!

Months I've waited for this.

What are you doing here, porky?

There's a big bad wolf outside!

Oh, shut up!

Are we safe?

I think we're good.

We'll just wait for
all this to blow over.

Hold me.

Mm.

Hey!
Whoa!

Whoa, I didn't see that there.

You got all that
foliage and whatnot.

Okay, okay.

It's just one dude touching
another dude's junk.

No!

Oh, my God!

Spare me you fat bastard!

Please, I'll buy you enchiladas!

I'm begging you, please!

Whoa!

Don't move.

Get off him, you beast.

Come on, I know you hear me!

Let him go, or I swear I
won't hesitate to kill you.

Now leave.

Go!

Come on, go!

Don't tempt me!

Come on, all of you monsters!

Get out of here, leave!

Never come back!

You got it all wrong.

Shut up!

It can't be!

Ooooh.

I know that cracker.

Nick?

Hey.

I almost killed you.

You're a werewolf?!

Yeah, look, I've been
meaning to tell you that.

Were you?!

I was worried about
how you'd react,

and I still kinda am.

Wait a minute, let
me get this straight.

You two know each other?

He's my fiancee.

Damn.

Oh, really?

Nick.

Gross.

So now you're being honest.

I am always honest
with you, Nick.

That's why I felt so terrible
about keeping it from you!

It was wrong of me
to be so selfish.

But you're a fucking werewolf!

And you hunt us.

No, listen...

No, you listen, okay?

Look, I've always had
trouble accepting who I am,

and I thought that
you were gonna have

trouble accepting it as well.

Clearly, I was right.

No more secrets.

I can't keep you bottled
up if you don't wanna be.

Dr. Cole?!

Nicholas?!

Dad?!

Dad?!

My goodness.

Alyssa, is that you?

Wait, he's your father?!

You know him?!

We work together!

You work with my dad,
and you didn't tell me?!

You can't hold that against me!

I just found this out!

You work with my fiancee?!

My Ally is the one
that you've been having

problems with lately?!

I am not your anything!

You told him?!

A little.

You told me he was dead!

You killed me?

That may not have
been entirely true.

Really? Hm.

I know.

I know, really bad timing,

but that's the last
lie, I promise.

Nick, I'm sorry.

Honey, you're so beautiful,
and you're all grown up.

Don't you come near me.

Honey, let's just calm down.

Just tell me what's going on.

Your friend, Dr. Cole,

abandoned me and my mother.

Well, it wasn't like that.

I mean, her mother and
I were having problems.

I was a child.

You ruined our lives.

I know.

And I can see nothing's changed.

You still got a case
of beer riding shotgun.

No, no, no, I'm sober.

I'm so... Well, a
couple of beers.

You have to understand,
when I left your mother,

I was in a bad place.

Okay, so you left the bad place,

where your family who depended
on you just happened to be,

to run off to what?!

Live happily ever after
with some fish you caught?!

Alyssa, sweetheart.

He left us to rot!

You didn't care how I felt!

You didn't care how Mom felt!

I was a coward.

Coward! Is an understatement.

Hildie?!

What are you doing here?

You know her?!

You know her?

What, you speak?!

Oh, my dearest
Stanley, tell them.

Well, we used to be
friends in high school.

Friends?

Friends, that's
what you'd call us?

Ohh, Hildie!

I would've given
up forever... for you.

It's okay, Madam Hildie.

We have Esmeralda back.

We'll finally have some peace
on the reservation again.

Plus, it seems to me that he
didn't even mean it, right?

Right?

It's true!

It's not true!

Anyone else care to speak up?

I didn't think so.

Did you all think I
did this for her?!

Of course you did.

Pathetic!

Personally...

I would've rather
him killed the bitch!

Okay, okay, relax now, Hildie!

Jesus Christ, wait, wait!

Okay, okay, Jesus!

Shit!

Just a...

You're on your own, buddy.

That's okay, Stanley!

Run away!

What else is new?!

Shoot her.

If there any
bullets in this gun,

I would've shot
you 10 minutes ago.

Dammit.

Ma'am, let's just...

Nick!

You're coming with me!

Let's see if your
beautiful baby girl

can force you to be a man!

You could've been half witch.

Hildie!

Let my daughter go!

Oh, this should be good.

Don't hurt her!

Now, your problem's with me!

Here I am, take me!

I'm all yours!

Let her go!

Whoa!

Let me tell you, you
haven't aged very well.

Daddy!

Ahhwww.

Ally!

Whatever happens, I love you!

Never stopped loving you
since the day you were born!

You thought you
could run from me,

but, oh...

how you were wrong.

What are you laughing at?

You think this
will make you happy?

You're wrong.

You've been hating
humans your entire life,

and in reality, you
only hated yourself.

We're no different.

That was touching.

Anything else... before you die?!

You gave a great blowjob.

Why'd you do that?

I don't deserve your help.

Yes, you do.

I see, now, that you're
a really good man,

and you deserve a second chance.

All these years, why
didn't you say something?

Because you're an asshole.

Daddy.
Oh, sweetheart.

I love you.

Oh, I, ow!

Ow.
Oh!

Oh, my gosh, you're bleeding!
Yeah, yeah, it's all right.

Here, right here.
Oh.

Hold that.
From now on,

I'm gonna be there for
you and for Nicholas.

Thanks, Stan.

No, no, I...
No, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I've been waiting my
whole life for this.

Well, turns out
I'm a terrible shot,

but I think everybody's okay.

Everyone except Bernie.

Who's Bernie?

Oh, him.

Yeah, he's dead.

He's very dead.

So don't you wish
you came along with me

instead of eating that
shit-flavored snow cone?

I don't know.

I think things turned out okay.

You know him too?

No, he...

This son of a bitch
didn't wanna sit on my face.

What's the big deal, Nick?

I sit on his face all the time.

Excuse me?!

Oh.
It's seat covers.

We were talking
about seat covers.

He offered me a ride when I
was heading up to my cabin.

Ah, the cabin where you
work your overnight shifts.

Yes, and by overnight shifts,

if you mean to chain myself up

and keep everyone safe
until morning, then yes.

It's actually a
really nice place.

Sounds like a party.

No more hiding.

Mm.

We're still gonna
keep the chains, right?

Yes...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look, I'm glad that you and
Nick have found each other

and all of that, but
please no more chained up,

sit on my face slumber
party conversation

around me, alright?

Will do, sir.

I think I'm gonna take
that week and go fishing.

Oh, yeah, promise is a promise.

Yeah, I think maybe two.

Maybe two.
Sure.

Hey, I'm starving!

Who wants to eat?!

I know this great little place

with some nice penis cobbler.

It's delicious!

You know what else I like?

You guys ever been
to Loch Ness Tavern?

They have great Haitian food!

Is anyone even listening to me?

It's because I'm
black, isn't it?

Uh, can someone please put
me back in the fucking lake?!

♪ "Chains of Love"

♪ They say it's not natural

♪ Like some kind of
strange disease ♪

♪ And I'm feeling
like a criminal ♪

♪ Now I don't know
what to believe ♪

♪ I don't wanna live in shame

♪ For the things
I can't control ♪

♪ And I don't
wanna be to blame ♪

♪ When everything blows

♪ I'll be buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ I'll be forever
buried in the chains ♪

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ And I can't stand the face

♪ That I see in my reflection

♪ And I'm buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ I need to know
if this is real ♪

♪ Or maybe I'm the only one

♪ That's not afraid
of how we feel ♪

♪ Now the seams
are coming undone ♪

♪ And I can't keep ya here

♪ If it's not what you want

♪ Bottled up in fear

♪ Hiding it all

♪ I'll be buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ I'll be forever
buried in the chains ♪

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ And I can't stand the face

♪ That I see in my reflection

♪ And I'm buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ No matter what I
do, won't let me go ♪

♪ I won't let it go

♪ There's something
here I can't explain ♪

♪ And it's tearing
my world apart ♪

♪ Though I know
it can be tamed ♪

♪ And it's breaking my heart

♪ I'll be buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ I'll be forever
buried in the chains ♪

♪ Buried in the chains of love

♪ And I can't stand the face

♪ That I see in my reflection

♪ And I'm buried in the chains

♪ Buried in the chains of love