A Wedding Most Strange (2011) - full transcript
When Danny receives his final divorce notice he has two weeks under the terms of his fathers will to re-marry and reclaim his family heritage. With no partner and little money, together with the 'help' of his friends, things take a turn for the different.
DANNY (VOICEOVER): It's times
like this that I realize
life is simply about
people, and choices,
and, of course, timing.
We make decisions
all of the time,
though understanding
when to implement
them can change
our world totally.
As it happens, I've
been waiting two years.
I've been waiting for
the right certificate
to pop through my letter box.
If that happened today,
I'd have two weeks
to sort out the rest of my life.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
-Thanks, mate.
Oh, shit.
This is it.
Yeah, Mr. Rothbottom, please.
Yeah, I'll wait.
Ah, yes, Mr. Rothbottom.
Danny Weatherill here.
Yeah, exactly.
That's why I'm calling.
I have just received
my decree absolute.
That's right.
Now I'm officially divorced, so
I'm going to get married again.
-Well, you only have two
weeks before the terms
of your father's
will expires, which
means you will need to be
married by two weeks today,
Friday, but you see, we
don't think that a same sex
marriage is quite
the same thing.
-Well, it's up to the law,
and the law quite clearly
says I can commit to
the husband of my dreams
and it's all legal.
-Well, um--
-I'll have the certificate faxed
to your office in two weeks.
I trust that will be
sufficient to release
my family heritage back to me.
-Well--
-Good.
Thanks, Mr. Rothbottom.
It's all in hand, and I'll
speak to you very soon.
Goodbye.
Got it.
Looking for the
man of my dreams.
Open to all ages and types.
Hey, Florian.
Did you get your invite?
What do you mean, why
didn't I ask you first?
As if I would choose you to--
Listen.
Even if you hadn't
have left me, I
wouldn't be using you to select
the next man of my dreams.
No.
Well, yeah.
No way.
I have 269 messages.
I'll call you back.
This is gonna take a while.
You can meet me tomorrow
at Zuna's at 4:00 PM.
Oh, wow.
Hi guys.
Um, thanks for coming.
Gotta be organized, right?
So, I thought we'd do like five
minutes each, kind of speed
dating style.
When we're done,
you're free to leave.
Oh.
And if you don't mind, I'm
gonna make a few notes.
I'll let you know in a couple
of days what happens next.
That OK?
Good.
Here we go, then.
Do you smoke?
Are you drunk?
Did your grandma
knit that for ya?
-Yeah.
-What, are you n
-I'm Billy, and I'm
self-employed in sales.
I have my own place.
I'm single, and I
wanna give it a go.
-You got it.
-Hi.
Just wanna be
happy with someone.
No stress, no lies.
Just love.
-Well, it's a start.
That's it.
It's him.
Tick.
[KNOCKING] Aye.
Good to see you again.
Come in.
Well, um-- this isn't
quite what I had in mind.
-What, you can't do
this without alcohol?
-I wouldn't know where to
start with something that big,
to be honest.
-Hi, guys.
We're down to the final few.
Please arrive tomorrow
afternoon, Thursday, by 5:00 PM
at Northcoat Manor.
Please do bring
your close family
in case you are a
successful applicant.
Your family is a requirement
to make it all official.
You are, of course,
invited to the wedding
even if you're
not the lucky guy.
I'm just thinking out
loud, but you might not
want to tell your family
until the last minute what's
going on.
Disappointment can
be hard on us all.
Love Danny.
DANNY (VOCIEOVER):
So, this was it.
The last 24 hours
to obtain what is
rightly mine under
my father's will.
The opportunity to regain
my family heritage.
I'd invited a few close
friends, no family,
and I was looking forward to it.
Besides, this part
was going to be easy.
-Hey, Tracie.
-Hey, mister.
-Uh, was--
-Oh.
I guess I'd better
go back and get him.
I'll see you later?
-Here, sir.
-That's your key.
-Thank you.
-Hello.
-Weatherill is the name.
Is it a king size bed?
-Yes, sir.
It is.
-I'll be back if
it isn't, you know.
-That's your key, sir.
-Oh, guys, we need the
chairs now, please.
Ah, are you Danny?
There you are.
-Pleasure, Gillian.
-So you're all set?
-Um, I think so.
I guess it's all happening.
-Yes.
Tomorrow, mister and
mister Weatherill
will be mint marching
down the isle.
So, where is the lucky man?
-Danny.
-Good to see ya.
-You big tart.
-Snot.
Very good friends.
-Family, darling.
Family.
-This is Florian,
who's had more men
than-- anyone on the planet.
This is Gillian.
We're in capable hands.
-Nice to meet you.
Here she is.
Tracie!
-Florian.
-Tracie, this is Gillian.
-Oh.
Best man and fag--
-Family.
As you say.
Family.
-No, no, no.
She was right on
the button there.
-Oh, you are such a brat.
-Can I join in?
-This is Billy.
-So, this is your husband to be?
-Maybe.
-Congratulations.
-This is Willy.
And he's getting
married in the morning.
-You can keep your
slippery hands off.
-Well, this is going
to be interesting.
-Well, we'd better get going.
So, first thing tomorrow, then.
DANNY (VOICEOVER):
Get it back on track.
Drink always works.
Get them tipsy.
They won't keep up.
-Whoa.
No you don't.
I'm gonna keep you babies safe.
-I missed you, mister.
-Did I miss you?
I don't think so.
Hey, where on Earth's Mikey?
-Oh.
Mikey's dumped, as
of two weeks ago?
-Florian, why do you seem
to make a habit of just
dumping guys at
the drop of a hat?
-And why are you
marrying so quickly?
-Cheers, girls.
Well, my man of six
month's duration
ran away three weeks
ago, having told me
I was definitely
the one for him.
And searching for five
consecutive nights
in every conceivable
theme bar I could find,
I've decided to
tie the knot early,
to keep him locked in
from the beginning.
-And why didn't you tell us?
I mean, we could have at least--
-Found me some hyped up
label lover with more money
than sense.
He would have dumped me because
I only own two pairs of shoes
and I don't do drugs.
-See what you mean.
Tough, isn't it?
-Daniel Weatherill.
You hunk of a man.
There you are.
-Charlotte!
You've been ignoring me.
It's been- are you OK?
-Yeah.
I'm fine.
Sick of traveling, got un-fine.
-And where's Paul?
Don't tell me he's--
-Well, kind of.
He's been away on
business again this week,
and had to go see his mates
at the club to watch the game.
But he's coming in the morning.
-It's lovely to see you.
-Yes.
-Right.
Introductions.
This is Florian.
-Who I've heard about on more
occasions than I can recall.
-And here we have Gregory and--
-Tracie.
Nice to meet you.
-This is my lovely best
woman for the weekend,
childhood sweetheart, and--
-Ex-wife.
-I give you Charlotte.
-So you're divorced, then?
-Well, my fiance's
coming tomorrow.
-And what does he
do when he's not
throwing darts at
the wedding album?
-Head of sales at
some company or other.
-More time for us.
-Yes.
-To friendships.
-Friendships.
-Friendships.
-Do you have any
family coming, Danny?
-Well, there's only a couple
left, and to be honest,
I don't want them here.
If they can't accept
me, bugger 'em.
-Florian is your
lifelong best friend?
-He didn't actually manage
to make it to our wedding.
-That's right.
For some reason, he decided to
up sticks and move to Australia
the day before the wedding,
if I remember correctly.
-Interesting friendship.
-Whatever.
-Is there some juice?
I'd just like a juice.
Oh, and where's your man?
-We need to talk.
You sure you don't need
some food, or something?
I need to meet people.
-You need any help?
I thought I might--
-I thought you'd ticked
that box and moved on.
DANNY (VOICEOVER): The
one thing in my plan
doesn't account of is
other people's choices,
nor their timing.
Ah, a moment to reflect.
-Good to see you.
-Oh.
Raj.
God, time is flying.
Good to see you, too.
-Raj, now is not
the time to talk.
We must check in.
We're very tired from
the long journey.
-Ma, this is Danny.
Danny, this is my
mom, Mrs. Patel.
-Oh, Danny.
We have heard so much about you.
Raj, well, he kept you
secret for so long.
But now we know the truth.
We are so proud.
And you.
You are very beautiful.
Raj, quickly.
-You must be Danny.
You are so beautiful.
We welcome you to our family.
When Raj said he wanted to
arrange his own marriage,
we worried.
But now-- now I see.
-Billy.
Do you have a best woman?
You know, for tomorrow?
Don't you want someone to
organize things for you?
Bring you breakfast in bed?
-What about your boyfriend?
-Greg has a nice car.
[PHONE RINGING]
-Confetti.
If I was getting married in
the morning, I'd want confetti.
-So, where are the parents?
-Well, Danny's--
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But what about the boys?
I mean, his phone keeps ringing.
Maybe they're lost?
-Oh, please.
-What?
-Or maybe they're dead, too.
Well bugger, that
could have worked.
I could have him, and you
could have his father.
-Shut up.
I'm not getting with
someone that old.
-He may be right.
-Why is it only ever
one thing or the other?
-Don't worry.
I'll give you marks on
his pedigree tomorrow.
-Not if I get there first.
-Oh.
-Billy.
Are your parents coming?
-No.
They're dead.
-Oh.
-Oh.
-Uh--
-Oh, Danny.
Where have you been?
-Yes, we wondered
where you'd got to.
Getting the drinks in, I hope?
God knows I'll be needing
them this weekend.
-How did you find out
this was going on?
-Was the solicitors,
wasn't it, darling?
He happened to mention it when
he called Henry last week.
We wouldn't have missed
it for the world.
-I don't think it's your
kind of thing, Aunt Mildred.
-Hello.
Relatives?
-This is Auntie
Mildred and Uncle
Henry, my late father's brother.
-We've come quite
a way in the car.
-Drinks, then.
What would you like?
-Something strong.
-White wine spritzer,
I think, love.
-I'll get them.
-And you are?
-This is Billy.
-I'd have preferred it
if you were Brittany.
-Well, I've got big
nipples, if that helps.
-Drinks.
You think you're going
to change anything--
it ain't gonna happen.
Be warned.
-Sorry.
We're eating alone tonight.
I've found a place
down the road to it.
So it's easier.
-Nothing.
Thanks.
I'll let you know
in the morning.
My decision.
-Can I, uh, see
you again tonight?
You know-- just a last--
-Sure.
That'd be great.
That'd be really great.
I'll come to you before 9:00?
[PHONE RINGING] Hey, how are ya?
Oh.
Double oh.
OK.
I understand.
Getting hitched to someone you
only just met is a bit weird.
I guess.
Well, um, have a good-- yeah.
Thanks.
-You OK?
-Yeah.
-You sure?
-I'll let you know in the
morning, early, if it's you.
You still up for this?
-You bet.
I wanted to change my life.
And with you, I can.
We're down to the
last three, then?
-Yeah.
That's right.
Someone just dropped out, and
there's still one left to come.
-Do your friends
know what's going on?
-Do you think they need to know?
Life's still enough as it is.
They'll stand by
me no matter what.
-I guess.
DANNY (VOICEOVER): I should
have cancelled dinner.
By that time, I knew the
raucous dinner with friends
was to become-- well--
dinner with my uncle.
-Evening, auntie.
-Hello, dear.
-Evening.
-Hi.
-Yeah.
-This is a lovely hotel, Danny.
We have lovely
views from our room.
-Yeah.
It is my second
special day, after all.
-Hello, everyone.
Danny.
-Sorry, madame.
-Nice outfit.
-Thanks.
Shame you couldn't fit into
the other half of yours.
Do you have the wine list?
-I'll be back in a moment, sir.
-You OK?
What's happened to
your name badge?
-Shit.
It must be stuck to
my girlfriend's tits.
I gave her a kiss
and a hug in the car.
-OK.
What do you need?
-Um-- wine list.
-Oh, they're mixed up
with the food menus.
You giving them out?
It's OK.
They'll realize.
-Hm.
Oh.
Could I have, possibly, a little
glass of-- oh, well-- well,
that must have just,
um-- slipped somewhere.
Lovely.
OK.
-Can I take your orders?
-Uh, yeah.
Can I have the beef, please?
Thanks.
And you're doing a
great job, by the way.
-And what would you like, sir?
-Could you tell me what
the lamb comes with?
-Um, carrots and broccoli,
and new potatoes, and juice.
I mean, uh, jew.
-Yeah.
I'll have that one, please.
Thanks.
-Hm.
I'm really craving
a big piece of meat.
Do you recommend anything?
-The, uh, chicken's good.
It comes with, uh,
spring vegetables,
and, uh-- white wine gravy.
-Sure.
I'll have that.
-The [ITALIAN].
Can you tell me what
that is, please?
-[ITALIAN].
Uh--
-One of those.
-Good man.
Thank you.
So, Danny, why the
middle of winter?
Of all the times to get
married, why on Earth
the middle of winter?
-Why not?
-So, where's the other groom?
-Well, we're staying apart
for, you know-- look.
-You can tell us.
We're all friends here.
-There's nothing to tell.
-Short notice.
And not even an
invite to your family?
All a bit odd don't you think?
-You're here, aren't you?
-Uninvited.
-What about the honeymoon?
Is it a long flight?
Oh-- Danny, you're allergic
to flying, aren't you?
-No.
-You know what I mean.
-Not a fear of flying.
Just long distances, at least.
-No, uncle, it's natural.
Not odd.
-Natural to get married
to a woman, yes, but--
-If all you can do is
criticize me in front of my--
-Embarrassment?
You think you understand
embarrassment?
-Not sure I can help you there.
-You think all these people
are here to celebrate?
Spectate, more like.
-As long as my lovely
Danny is happy.
-You know, I wondered why
all those people were--
-Friends, Tracie.
They're just friends.
-Oh, mine was the chicken.
Sorry.
-Well, fluff my cushions.
It must be bedtime.
Room 219, boys, if any
of you want a good time.
And Danny, I'm looking
forward to tomorrow.
Don't be late.
-Goodnight, dear.
-Bye, bye.
-Goodnight.
-Goodnight.
-Games.
-Games?
It's getting a bit
late, Charlotte.
-Oh, come on.
It's only 8:30.
-Oh, Mr. Weatherill.
I have a message for you.
From Mr. and Mrs. Patel
They said, as you're
going to be their
future son in law,
would you like to spend
the evening with them?
-Uh, I think you might
have the wrong person.
What?
-That-- that wasn't for me.
-Do I see trouble brewing?
-It's nothing.
My uncle, he's interfering.
Nothing that can't be solved.
-Well, I would marry Danny again
because-- because his heart
is softer than a kiss.
And for me, I would
trust you with my life.
Every last breath.
-I don't get it.
I don't understand why you
two could still be married.
Why men?
-I guess it's an admission.
Do you remember the
black and white movies?
When you watched them, you
were kind of with them,
but there was something missing?
Then along came color.
Well, this-- this is like
living my life in full 3D color.
You know, it would
still be you if--
-Hm.
Well, after that little
revelation flower-- oh, shit.
-I need-- I'll come back.
-What is going on, mister?
-I promised one of the guests
I'd go see him before 9:00.
-No.
I mean, what is going on?
-Gotta go.
-Come in.
-Um, Raj, I-- I
don't think it's--
-Don't worry.
I'm just relaxing.
I don't want to rush anything.
But just--
-Raj, I-- I--
-Don't worry.
I don't want to rush anything.
But I think we should get to
know each other a little more.
-Sure.
-So, do you believe in love?
-You are a wonderful guy, Raj.
You relax me.
I don't know what it is.
-Could be love.
Though maybe it's
too soon for that.
Don't worry.
It's my clock.
It makes that noise.
So, why so quick?
-Why not?
Why not?
We could spend two or three
years checking if we're
OK for each other, and we'll
never know until we try it.
Only in the cold, harsh light of
living together in partnership
does anyone truly get
to learn who we are.
-What would it take?
You can tell me your secret.
I won't mind.
I'm not worried about the past.
I just look forward
to our future.
-Sometimes we do things
because we think we have to.
We decide in the
heat of the moment.
-And that's how a
partnership works.
We bring balance to each other.
And love.
To brighten the dark moment.
-So, how come your
parents are OK with this?
-Because love can happen
in all shapes and sizes.
You shall live
this life together.
Rest on it.
And when you come back, my son
will be even more handsome.
And you-- you shall come back
as his beautiful female bride.
-Good evening.
I have a room booked.
My name is Richard Senior.
-Certainly, sir.
Just sign here.
-Thank you.
Could you please tell me where
I can find Danny Weatherill?
-Yes, sir.
I think they are all
in the drawing room.
Just upstairs.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
-I'm sorry.
I'm looking for Danny.
Is he around, do you know?
-Uh, he'll be back.
-Are you here for the wedding?
-Yes, I am.
-Which side?
Danny or Billy?
-Well, actually I--
-Oh.
Ah, good to see ya.
Glad you made it.
Uh, do you want to
go up to your room,
and I'll catch up
with you a bit later?
-Yes.
Yes, of course.
I'll leave you to
your, um-- yes.
-OK.
What the hell's going on?
-Whoa.
-Look.
This is really hard.
-But I never thought you
would be one for money.
Or that many men, even.
-Listen, Florian.
It's OK for you.
With everything you ever
had, or wanted, around you.
I have nothing.
None of my childhood toys.
No photographs that are
not easily identifiable.
The gramophone my
mother promised me.
My grandmother's teddy bear.
The pipe stand I made for
my father when I was 10.
And yes, the house
with the sea view.
And there was some money.
But you need to understand
that almost anything
other than my memories
have b locked up
for over two years
because of his will.
And all right, yeah,
maybe-- maybe it's
not the most honorable of
things to do at short notice.
But can't you see why?
Why should I live without what's
left of my family history just
to see it go to some
soddy charity, or wprse?
My uncle, in less 24 hours
if I don't get hitched.
How the hell would you feel?
Oh-- and love?
What about the guy?
Yeah, right.
I have no problem.
All three of them
are really lovely.
I can't even make a choice.
-How can you marry someone
you've only just met.
Why not?
You've sucked the
cocks of hundreds
of men you hadn't yet met.
-Oh, who would want to marry
you so quickly, anyway?
I mean, you know, who does that?
-Someone like me,
I guess, Tracie.
Someone like me, you know.
-TRACIE: Right.
-That's it.
Here's what we're going to do.
Two groups.
We draw up questions, we
interview each of them,
then we score them.
Then the winner takes it all.
Now, Danny--
-That is a great idea.
We can all get to know
them more intimately.
-No way.
-Why not?
-Because I already--
-And you can't decide.
Besides, this might throw
up some more hidden secrets.
-It's settled, then.
Two groups.
-No.
No, I'm going to
be a contestant.
-Charlotte--
-I want another chance.
-Right.
I will do one assessment.
Tracie, Gregory, you
can do the other.
And when we're done, Danny
can have a one on one
with each of them.
We'll meet back here in the
90 minutes with our summaries.
Tracie, let's go and
do it in our rooms.
We'll get the boys.
[CLANGING]
-You're welcome to join us.
-Uh, no--
-Please do.
No.
-This is part of our ritual.
The groom must ride into his
ceremony on a strong stallion.
And then we wait for the most
auspicious moment to arrive.
-I just need him for a
little while, Mr. Patel.
I'll bring him right back.
-But he mustn't leave!
-It's part of our ritual.
He won't be long.
-No.
I'm not do-- I just want
to cancel my subscription.
I'm not doing this
kind of thing anymore.
Hey.
-Hey.
Um, we have-- Danny has asked
if we can do some questions.
His friends.
Just to help him decide.
Oh, don't worry.
You're one of three.
Oh, and you don't
need to get dressed.
Just come as you are.
We're gonna change rooms.
-Whatever.
-So, it is just a few questions.
Are you definitely gay?
-Yes.
Well--
-Right.
Nothing.
So, could be.
Now it's your turn.
You need to check.
-Yeah.
He's gay.
-How gay?
-Very gay!
-How big is he?
-Big.
-Little big, or big big?
-Tracie.
He's big.
[KNOCKING]
-It's open.
Ah.
Welcome to my boudoir.
-Tongues will wag, you know?
-Something tells me
that's not the only thing.
-Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
Oh, god.
You've planned
yourself to death.
-Yeah.
A lifetime in project
management does that to you.
Just imagine what my
first date was like.
-Do you mind if
I ask a question?
Not at all.
-Is this just a
flash in the pan,
or are you thinking long term?
-This is about growing together.
The road is always
rough, and you probably
have the most experience of
all on how to deal with it.
-Hm?
Ah.
But the best way to
learn is by doing.
-And how about you?
Are you ready for this?
-As long as everyone knows
what they're getting into.
Hm?
Why now?
-We don't always have
the choices we'd like.
Rest assured, there's
nothing underhand here,
though I agree it
is all a bit rushed.
-Well, I hope they've
got good supplies.
I'm gonna need this.
So, when do we
find out for sure?
-Tomorrow.
-Mm.
There's going to be broken
hearts to contend with.
I hope you're prepared.
-Favorite food.
-Home cooking.
What?
Anyone's home cooking.
It doesn't matter.
-And finally, what
does love mean to you?
-It's for the rest of your life.
It's honesty, tolerance--
and understanding.
-So you think it's
important, then?
-So, how many men
have you been with?
-Does it matter?
-Yes.
How many?
I would think so-- 300 to 500?
500 to 1,000?
-I always was a star pupil.
-500 to 1,000.
Busy boy.
Right.
How big are you?
-What?
God.
Does it matter?
Happy?
-Satisfactory.
Smooth or hair?
Smooth.
Big dick.
And what you do for a job?
-Sales.
-In what?
-Clothes.
Fashion.
Big brands at a discount.
Nothing flash.
-And which of the
big brands do not
take part in
aspirational sizing?
-What?
-Which of the brands do
not lie to their customers
about the real
size of their heft?
I'd have picked-- you'd
have to answer the question.
I was just joking, yeah.
Uh-- why Danny?
Why now?
-As you go through
life, it changes.
We discover we've
taken different paths.
Sometimes without
even knowing it.
This is a decision to change.
And Danny-- he is the
sweetest guy I've ever met.
He's open, he's honest.
And he's really cute.
-Thank you.
-How can I help you?
-Are you definitely gay?
-Yes.
-How do you know?
-Because I've been
me all my life.
-I need more evidence.
-Excuse me, young lady.
You probably can't afford
what you're about to do.
-So, evidence.
-Oh, god.
Look.
I don't do nipples.
Or breasts.
My tongue has never
been near a clitoris.
And apart from a very quick
grope behind the bike sheds
forty years ago after a bottle
of cider at the school disco,
I've never been there.
-That's all we needed to know.
Um-- how big--
-How big are you?
-I've never had any complaints.
-Never?
-Not one.
-Favorite food?
-What?
Nothing with chopsticks.
All effort, and no payback.
I'd say French cuisine.
Or that sauce.
-And what does love mean to you?
-A damn sight more t it ever has
to your generation, young lady.
I can assure you of that.
Well, until recently.
I suppose I've changed my mind.
But once you realize that
it's about the person,
and not about yourself,
you understand.
And it's the most wonderful
thing that you can ever find.
Though, of course, there are
many different kinds of love.
-But do you--
-You have your answer.
-Sorry, wrong room.
Uh, sorry, wrong room.
-Oh!
Jimmy.
Hard at it, I see.
-Wow.
Glad I was sitting
down for that.
-Good evening.
-So why is it you think you're
right for Danny this time?
You know, after
messing up already.
-It's not that it
was wrong last time.
I guess-- I guess we just
could jump to a conclusion
without really thinking.
-Do you think that it would
work with another woman?
What would need to change?
-Irrespective of the
complications others might see,
it's really not that difficult.
-And how would you get over
the physical challenges?
-When Danny loves
someone, it never stops.
If he opened his heart,
he'd find the right answer.
-Guess we're done here, then.
-I guess so.
-Where have you been?
-Drinking.
-Why?
-Have you got a
problem with that?
-Come and sit down, love.
We've got the results.
-Why does Charlotte
only have a score of 15?
-No cock.
-You're telling me at midnight,
the day before my big day,
you've dragged everyone
through god knows
what to draw the
conclusion that everyone
is the same, apart
from Charlotte?
Great.
-Look, it's a really
difficult decision, Danny.
You found some really hot--
um, I mean great guys.
-Have at it.
I'm going to bed.
Everybody out.
-But--
-Listen, guys.
I'm really grateful.
I am.
But I'm interested in who
someone is, not what they are.
-Que?
-And you.
You need to realize this is
not about how big someone is,
or the clothes they wear,
or how old they are.
That's all transient
stuff that changes.
Thanks for everything.
But I'm really
tired, and really--
-You're really doing
the right thing, Danny.
Don't doubt yourself.
Not now.
[KNOCKING]
-Good morning.
Looks like you're expecting me.
-Hi, Tracie.
-So how you doing?
Come on, mister.
You need your energy.
Confused, huh?
-Undecided.
Perhaps confused.
No?
-You need some help?
-Which one would you pick?
-See?
You are confused.
Here.
Let me.
-This isn't helping.
-But it would be easier, right?
I mean, if it were love--
-Tracie.
I'm not sure you're
one to advise on love.
-Really?
-Well, you have a boyfriend.
In fact, you have
a great boyfriend.
Yet you--
-Are undecided?
[KNOCKING] I'll get it.
-So, what do you really
think about love?
-It depends if you're
talking about family love,
friendly love, or being in love.
Being in love.
It's a wonderful thing--
if you can find it.
You can't buy it,
that's for sure.
-Hm.
Does it really know no bounds?
-When it's true,
it lasts forever.
And the situations are of it.
-Oh, wow.
His name is Zach.
Wow.
Billy is a rent boy.
-Bloody hell.
-Is that Florian's handwriting?
-It is.
Why does he always-- dammit.
-It's all a game, Danny.
So do you love him yet?
-Tracie, that is not helpful.
-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to--
-It's OK.
Someone else hired him
behind the facade of--
-Fantasy and indecision?
-Tracie, what is it you want?
Honestly.
-Mr. Wonderful.
Mr. Honesty.
Mister--
-Me, too.
And you have that already.
-Yeah, I'm not so sure.
-Tracie, it's not me.
-I know.
-I need to think
differently this time.
-You sure on that?
-You should give him a chance.
-Are you nervous?
-You never really know what's
waiting around the corner.
-No.
But odds are I can have
a bloody good guess.
-No, you can't.
I can see happiness all
the way to the horizon.
-So, once the panic
of excitement is over,
you'll still be here?
You don't think he's too young?
-He knows exactly
what he's doing.
-I feel as if I'm going to be
part of some live freak show.
-That makes both of us.
-Come on.
I'm bloody starving.
-Well, this is it, babe.
-Would you do it again?
-In an instant.
-Prepare yourself.
I mean it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-The congregation may sit.
Welcome to the commitment
ceremony for Danny--
[GROANING]
-Henry.
Are you all right, dear?
-Should I call the morgue
to make a reservation now?
-He lives.
-Trop wind.
A little bit too much
scotch, probably.
-Welcome to the commitment
ceremony for Danny and--
-Welcome to the commitment
ceremony for-- for Danny,
and-- for Danny and Richard.
[APPLAUSE]
-I don't understand.
What is happening?
We came a long way to
see our son be married.
We brought the whole family.
With luggage.
-And who the hell is he, anyway?
-He is my father.
-What?
-He's my father.
He adopted me two years ago.
Well, he helped.
And paid for my rehab
in the drug clinic.
The family had disowned me.
-What about the, um, the Indian?
-What about the Indian?
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
He's-- he's gorgeous.
-Yes.
He's very handsome.
-And very lonely.
I just want to be loved.
Not just family love.
But true love.
When I got your message
on the internet--
-You got me to buy your webcam
to date over the internet?
-A lot of people make love
over the internet these days.
It's faster and cheaper.
Now let him finish.
-I thought that now
might be my time.
-I-- he bet me.
He bet me that you
wouldn't marry me.
I wondered what
might happen next.
For everyone.
I've learned that a policy of
no surprises is always best.
-You're open.
-Honest.
Accepting.
And I like your approach.
I don't think you knew
what you were looking for.
But I don't think that matters.
-Oh, he knows what he's
looking for, all right.
And I bet you'd all like to
know just how honest he is.
Well, I'll tell you.
He's doing this for money.
Not love, but money.
-That's not true.
-Oh, yes it is.
He received his divorce
papers one week ago,
and now he's trying to claim
money from his late father's
estate by getting,
well, committing
to someone before midday today.
I have the proof
here in my hands.
Money is why he's here.
-No it's not.
I have found--
-Did you or did you
not start this process
to get your hands on your
late father's estate?
-Yes, I did.
And you don't have an
interest, of course.
The right question
is, what would
happen to it if I didn't get it?
-I'm not taking any
more of this charade.
-I need a drink.
-Ladies and gentlemen, please.
-I wonder if the
others are leaving.
-What do you expect?
-More heart.
-He can't get
remarried like that.
Anyway, if he doesn't
do it before 12:00,
we get the inheritance.
Well, the half that doesn't
go to charity, that is.
-You would take money from--
-It's not right.
It's not what David wanted.
He never would've allowed--
-Oh, you think
that's right, do you?
-He was my brother.
Of course I--
-We are not your brother, and
you need to find your humanity.
-Where are you going?
-To see my nephew.
[KNOCKING]
-It's open.
-Danny, you can still do this.
-No I can't.
I cocked up again.
-No you didn't.
Just because one
of your relatives
has got his head
screwed on backwards.
Still hurts.
-What does your heart tell you?
-That I made the wrong decision.
-No you didn't.
-I made a wrong decision.
-Danny.
-I still love you.
-And I love you.
OK?
I always will.
But we don't need to be
married for that to happen.
What does your heart tell you?
You can't plan yourself
through a relationship, Danny.
It's not as easy as
seeing a destination
and merely tracking
a course to it.
What do you feel in your heart?
-The last time I listened
to my heart, I hurt someone.
-That was just part
of your journey.
What do you feel?
Danny, you're thinking.
What do you feel?
-That someone in
that room is for me.
-So, are you gonna
follow your heart
and do something about it?
-It's too late.
-Danny!
Danny, don't!
It's never too
late for love, OK?
I got you.
Come here.
Get yourself together.
We can do this.
I'll get everyone.
Do you have a gong.
-A gong?
-Yeah, you know, like, um--
like a bell or something?
Thanks!
It's back on.
You must come and see.
But it's true love.
Raj.
What if this really
was your time?
You wouldn't wanna
miss it, would you?
-What's it to be,
boys and girls?
I think we should get started.
No, I don't think so.
Don't worry about that, son.
It'll mix as it goes down.
-It's back on!
Come on.
It's back on!
-No, I don't think so.
-Why not?
-Fill her up.
-Ah.
You think you've
won the bet already.
Best of three.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Nearly 12:00.
Maybe it won't be me.
I think I'm very lucky
I have a loving family.
I'm not sure they understand,
but they do love me.
-Welcome to the commitment
ceremony for Danny and--
-I've got something to say.
No, no, please.
Let me finish.
What I hadn't quite
appreciated is that, all of you
are a-- a family, with real
feelings, and real hearts.
Your father and I
had never considered
this as a legitimate
way of life.
Yet, the evidence
is clear to me now.
It's overwhelming,
and I'm very proud.
And I'm very sorry.
-Welcome to the commitment
ceremony for-- for Danny
and-- for Danny and Raj.
[CHEERING]
-Ladies and gentlemen,
I-- I'm-- I'm sorry.
Is this not Robert Smith?
I can only conduct a civil
ceremony for yourself
and your partner Robert Smith.
-When I applied, I was with a
Robert Smith, but he's left me,
so now it's Raj Patel.
-I'm sorry.
-Robert Smith dumped me,
and I didn't know until--
-I'm so sorry.
I just can't change
the names like that.
-Danny.
Do you want to commit to
me, for better and worse,
from now, for all eternity?
-Yes.
Yes, I do.
-I'm sorry.
I know you tried to have
a ceremony on the date.
However, the will
cannot be changed.
The certificate is valid,
though it is dated three weeks
past the explanation
of the will.
However, your uncle has agreed
to pass all of his share
to you, including the
family heirlooms, though I'm
afraid the other
half has already
been passed to the
specified charity.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Surprise!
-You guys look amazing.
-Florian.
You're the best friend I've had.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
like this that I realize
life is simply about
people, and choices,
and, of course, timing.
We make decisions
all of the time,
though understanding
when to implement
them can change
our world totally.
As it happens, I've
been waiting two years.
I've been waiting for
the right certificate
to pop through my letter box.
If that happened today,
I'd have two weeks
to sort out the rest of my life.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
-Thanks, mate.
Oh, shit.
This is it.
Yeah, Mr. Rothbottom, please.
Yeah, I'll wait.
Ah, yes, Mr. Rothbottom.
Danny Weatherill here.
Yeah, exactly.
That's why I'm calling.
I have just received
my decree absolute.
That's right.
Now I'm officially divorced, so
I'm going to get married again.
-Well, you only have two
weeks before the terms
of your father's
will expires, which
means you will need to be
married by two weeks today,
Friday, but you see, we
don't think that a same sex
marriage is quite
the same thing.
-Well, it's up to the law,
and the law quite clearly
says I can commit to
the husband of my dreams
and it's all legal.
-Well, um--
-I'll have the certificate faxed
to your office in two weeks.
I trust that will be
sufficient to release
my family heritage back to me.
-Well--
-Good.
Thanks, Mr. Rothbottom.
It's all in hand, and I'll
speak to you very soon.
Goodbye.
Got it.
Looking for the
man of my dreams.
Open to all ages and types.
Hey, Florian.
Did you get your invite?
What do you mean, why
didn't I ask you first?
As if I would choose you to--
Listen.
Even if you hadn't
have left me, I
wouldn't be using you to select
the next man of my dreams.
No.
Well, yeah.
No way.
I have 269 messages.
I'll call you back.
This is gonna take a while.
You can meet me tomorrow
at Zuna's at 4:00 PM.
Oh, wow.
Hi guys.
Um, thanks for coming.
Gotta be organized, right?
So, I thought we'd do like five
minutes each, kind of speed
dating style.
When we're done,
you're free to leave.
Oh.
And if you don't mind, I'm
gonna make a few notes.
I'll let you know in a couple
of days what happens next.
That OK?
Good.
Here we go, then.
Do you smoke?
Are you drunk?
Did your grandma
knit that for ya?
-Yeah.
-What, are you n
-I'm Billy, and I'm
self-employed in sales.
I have my own place.
I'm single, and I
wanna give it a go.
-You got it.
-Hi.
Just wanna be
happy with someone.
No stress, no lies.
Just love.
-Well, it's a start.
That's it.
It's him.
Tick.
[KNOCKING] Aye.
Good to see you again.
Come in.
Well, um-- this isn't
quite what I had in mind.
-What, you can't do
this without alcohol?
-I wouldn't know where to
start with something that big,
to be honest.
-Hi, guys.
We're down to the final few.
Please arrive tomorrow
afternoon, Thursday, by 5:00 PM
at Northcoat Manor.
Please do bring
your close family
in case you are a
successful applicant.
Your family is a requirement
to make it all official.
You are, of course,
invited to the wedding
even if you're
not the lucky guy.
I'm just thinking out
loud, but you might not
want to tell your family
until the last minute what's
going on.
Disappointment can
be hard on us all.
Love Danny.
DANNY (VOCIEOVER):
So, this was it.
The last 24 hours
to obtain what is
rightly mine under
my father's will.
The opportunity to regain
my family heritage.
I'd invited a few close
friends, no family,
and I was looking forward to it.
Besides, this part
was going to be easy.
-Hey, Tracie.
-Hey, mister.
-Uh, was--
-Oh.
I guess I'd better
go back and get him.
I'll see you later?
-Here, sir.
-That's your key.
-Thank you.
-Hello.
-Weatherill is the name.
Is it a king size bed?
-Yes, sir.
It is.
-I'll be back if
it isn't, you know.
-That's your key, sir.
-Oh, guys, we need the
chairs now, please.
Ah, are you Danny?
There you are.
-Pleasure, Gillian.
-So you're all set?
-Um, I think so.
I guess it's all happening.
-Yes.
Tomorrow, mister and
mister Weatherill
will be mint marching
down the isle.
So, where is the lucky man?
-Danny.
-Good to see ya.
-You big tart.
-Snot.
Very good friends.
-Family, darling.
Family.
-This is Florian,
who's had more men
than-- anyone on the planet.
This is Gillian.
We're in capable hands.
-Nice to meet you.
Here she is.
Tracie!
-Florian.
-Tracie, this is Gillian.
-Oh.
Best man and fag--
-Family.
As you say.
Family.
-No, no, no.
She was right on
the button there.
-Oh, you are such a brat.
-Can I join in?
-This is Billy.
-So, this is your husband to be?
-Maybe.
-Congratulations.
-This is Willy.
And he's getting
married in the morning.
-You can keep your
slippery hands off.
-Well, this is going
to be interesting.
-Well, we'd better get going.
So, first thing tomorrow, then.
DANNY (VOICEOVER):
Get it back on track.
Drink always works.
Get them tipsy.
They won't keep up.
-Whoa.
No you don't.
I'm gonna keep you babies safe.
-I missed you, mister.
-Did I miss you?
I don't think so.
Hey, where on Earth's Mikey?
-Oh.
Mikey's dumped, as
of two weeks ago?
-Florian, why do you seem
to make a habit of just
dumping guys at
the drop of a hat?
-And why are you
marrying so quickly?
-Cheers, girls.
Well, my man of six
month's duration
ran away three weeks
ago, having told me
I was definitely
the one for him.
And searching for five
consecutive nights
in every conceivable
theme bar I could find,
I've decided to
tie the knot early,
to keep him locked in
from the beginning.
-And why didn't you tell us?
I mean, we could have at least--
-Found me some hyped up
label lover with more money
than sense.
He would have dumped me because
I only own two pairs of shoes
and I don't do drugs.
-See what you mean.
Tough, isn't it?
-Daniel Weatherill.
You hunk of a man.
There you are.
-Charlotte!
You've been ignoring me.
It's been- are you OK?
-Yeah.
I'm fine.
Sick of traveling, got un-fine.
-And where's Paul?
Don't tell me he's--
-Well, kind of.
He's been away on
business again this week,
and had to go see his mates
at the club to watch the game.
But he's coming in the morning.
-It's lovely to see you.
-Yes.
-Right.
Introductions.
This is Florian.
-Who I've heard about on more
occasions than I can recall.
-And here we have Gregory and--
-Tracie.
Nice to meet you.
-This is my lovely best
woman for the weekend,
childhood sweetheart, and--
-Ex-wife.
-I give you Charlotte.
-So you're divorced, then?
-Well, my fiance's
coming tomorrow.
-And what does he
do when he's not
throwing darts at
the wedding album?
-Head of sales at
some company or other.
-More time for us.
-Yes.
-To friendships.
-Friendships.
-Friendships.
-Do you have any
family coming, Danny?
-Well, there's only a couple
left, and to be honest,
I don't want them here.
If they can't accept
me, bugger 'em.
-Florian is your
lifelong best friend?
-He didn't actually manage
to make it to our wedding.
-That's right.
For some reason, he decided to
up sticks and move to Australia
the day before the wedding,
if I remember correctly.
-Interesting friendship.
-Whatever.
-Is there some juice?
I'd just like a juice.
Oh, and where's your man?
-We need to talk.
You sure you don't need
some food, or something?
I need to meet people.
-You need any help?
I thought I might--
-I thought you'd ticked
that box and moved on.
DANNY (VOICEOVER): The
one thing in my plan
doesn't account of is
other people's choices,
nor their timing.
Ah, a moment to reflect.
-Good to see you.
-Oh.
Raj.
God, time is flying.
Good to see you, too.
-Raj, now is not
the time to talk.
We must check in.
We're very tired from
the long journey.
-Ma, this is Danny.
Danny, this is my
mom, Mrs. Patel.
-Oh, Danny.
We have heard so much about you.
Raj, well, he kept you
secret for so long.
But now we know the truth.
We are so proud.
And you.
You are very beautiful.
Raj, quickly.
-You must be Danny.
You are so beautiful.
We welcome you to our family.
When Raj said he wanted to
arrange his own marriage,
we worried.
But now-- now I see.
-Billy.
Do you have a best woman?
You know, for tomorrow?
Don't you want someone to
organize things for you?
Bring you breakfast in bed?
-What about your boyfriend?
-Greg has a nice car.
[PHONE RINGING]
-Confetti.
If I was getting married in
the morning, I'd want confetti.
-So, where are the parents?
-Well, Danny's--
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But what about the boys?
I mean, his phone keeps ringing.
Maybe they're lost?
-Oh, please.
-What?
-Or maybe they're dead, too.
Well bugger, that
could have worked.
I could have him, and you
could have his father.
-Shut up.
I'm not getting with
someone that old.
-He may be right.
-Why is it only ever
one thing or the other?
-Don't worry.
I'll give you marks on
his pedigree tomorrow.
-Not if I get there first.
-Oh.
-Billy.
Are your parents coming?
-No.
They're dead.
-Oh.
-Oh.
-Uh--
-Oh, Danny.
Where have you been?
-Yes, we wondered
where you'd got to.
Getting the drinks in, I hope?
God knows I'll be needing
them this weekend.
-How did you find out
this was going on?
-Was the solicitors,
wasn't it, darling?
He happened to mention it when
he called Henry last week.
We wouldn't have missed
it for the world.
-I don't think it's your
kind of thing, Aunt Mildred.
-Hello.
Relatives?
-This is Auntie
Mildred and Uncle
Henry, my late father's brother.
-We've come quite
a way in the car.
-Drinks, then.
What would you like?
-Something strong.
-White wine spritzer,
I think, love.
-I'll get them.
-And you are?
-This is Billy.
-I'd have preferred it
if you were Brittany.
-Well, I've got big
nipples, if that helps.
-Drinks.
You think you're going
to change anything--
it ain't gonna happen.
Be warned.
-Sorry.
We're eating alone tonight.
I've found a place
down the road to it.
So it's easier.
-Nothing.
Thanks.
I'll let you know
in the morning.
My decision.
-Can I, uh, see
you again tonight?
You know-- just a last--
-Sure.
That'd be great.
That'd be really great.
I'll come to you before 9:00?
[PHONE RINGING] Hey, how are ya?
Oh.
Double oh.
OK.
I understand.
Getting hitched to someone you
only just met is a bit weird.
I guess.
Well, um, have a good-- yeah.
Thanks.
-You OK?
-Yeah.
-You sure?
-I'll let you know in the
morning, early, if it's you.
You still up for this?
-You bet.
I wanted to change my life.
And with you, I can.
We're down to the
last three, then?
-Yeah.
That's right.
Someone just dropped out, and
there's still one left to come.
-Do your friends
know what's going on?
-Do you think they need to know?
Life's still enough as it is.
They'll stand by
me no matter what.
-I guess.
DANNY (VOICEOVER): I should
have cancelled dinner.
By that time, I knew the
raucous dinner with friends
was to become-- well--
dinner with my uncle.
-Evening, auntie.
-Hello, dear.
-Evening.
-Hi.
-Yeah.
-This is a lovely hotel, Danny.
We have lovely
views from our room.
-Yeah.
It is my second
special day, after all.
-Hello, everyone.
Danny.
-Sorry, madame.
-Nice outfit.
-Thanks.
Shame you couldn't fit into
the other half of yours.
Do you have the wine list?
-I'll be back in a moment, sir.
-You OK?
What's happened to
your name badge?
-Shit.
It must be stuck to
my girlfriend's tits.
I gave her a kiss
and a hug in the car.
-OK.
What do you need?
-Um-- wine list.
-Oh, they're mixed up
with the food menus.
You giving them out?
It's OK.
They'll realize.
-Hm.
Oh.
Could I have, possibly, a little
glass of-- oh, well-- well,
that must have just,
um-- slipped somewhere.
Lovely.
OK.
-Can I take your orders?
-Uh, yeah.
Can I have the beef, please?
Thanks.
And you're doing a
great job, by the way.
-And what would you like, sir?
-Could you tell me what
the lamb comes with?
-Um, carrots and broccoli,
and new potatoes, and juice.
I mean, uh, jew.
-Yeah.
I'll have that one, please.
Thanks.
-Hm.
I'm really craving
a big piece of meat.
Do you recommend anything?
-The, uh, chicken's good.
It comes with, uh,
spring vegetables,
and, uh-- white wine gravy.
-Sure.
I'll have that.
-The [ITALIAN].
Can you tell me what
that is, please?
-[ITALIAN].
Uh--
-One of those.
-Good man.
Thank you.
So, Danny, why the
middle of winter?
Of all the times to get
married, why on Earth
the middle of winter?
-Why not?
-So, where's the other groom?
-Well, we're staying apart
for, you know-- look.
-You can tell us.
We're all friends here.
-There's nothing to tell.
-Short notice.
And not even an
invite to your family?
All a bit odd don't you think?
-You're here, aren't you?
-Uninvited.
-What about the honeymoon?
Is it a long flight?
Oh-- Danny, you're allergic
to flying, aren't you?
-No.
-You know what I mean.
-Not a fear of flying.
Just long distances, at least.
-No, uncle, it's natural.
Not odd.
-Natural to get married
to a woman, yes, but--
-If all you can do is
criticize me in front of my--
-Embarrassment?
You think you understand
embarrassment?
-Not sure I can help you there.
-You think all these people
are here to celebrate?
Spectate, more like.
-As long as my lovely
Danny is happy.
-You know, I wondered why
all those people were--
-Friends, Tracie.
They're just friends.
-Oh, mine was the chicken.
Sorry.
-Well, fluff my cushions.
It must be bedtime.
Room 219, boys, if any
of you want a good time.
And Danny, I'm looking
forward to tomorrow.
Don't be late.
-Goodnight, dear.
-Bye, bye.
-Goodnight.
-Goodnight.
-Games.
-Games?
It's getting a bit
late, Charlotte.
-Oh, come on.
It's only 8:30.
-Oh, Mr. Weatherill.
I have a message for you.
From Mr. and Mrs. Patel
They said, as you're
going to be their
future son in law,
would you like to spend
the evening with them?
-Uh, I think you might
have the wrong person.
What?
-That-- that wasn't for me.
-Do I see trouble brewing?
-It's nothing.
My uncle, he's interfering.
Nothing that can't be solved.
-Well, I would marry Danny again
because-- because his heart
is softer than a kiss.
And for me, I would
trust you with my life.
Every last breath.
-I don't get it.
I don't understand why you
two could still be married.
Why men?
-I guess it's an admission.
Do you remember the
black and white movies?
When you watched them, you
were kind of with them,
but there was something missing?
Then along came color.
Well, this-- this is like
living my life in full 3D color.
You know, it would
still be you if--
-Hm.
Well, after that little
revelation flower-- oh, shit.
-I need-- I'll come back.
-What is going on, mister?
-I promised one of the guests
I'd go see him before 9:00.
-No.
I mean, what is going on?
-Gotta go.
-Come in.
-Um, Raj, I-- I
don't think it's--
-Don't worry.
I'm just relaxing.
I don't want to rush anything.
But just--
-Raj, I-- I--
-Don't worry.
I don't want to rush anything.
But I think we should get to
know each other a little more.
-Sure.
-So, do you believe in love?
-You are a wonderful guy, Raj.
You relax me.
I don't know what it is.
-Could be love.
Though maybe it's
too soon for that.
Don't worry.
It's my clock.
It makes that noise.
So, why so quick?
-Why not?
Why not?
We could spend two or three
years checking if we're
OK for each other, and we'll
never know until we try it.
Only in the cold, harsh light of
living together in partnership
does anyone truly get
to learn who we are.
-What would it take?
You can tell me your secret.
I won't mind.
I'm not worried about the past.
I just look forward
to our future.
-Sometimes we do things
because we think we have to.
We decide in the
heat of the moment.
-And that's how a
partnership works.
We bring balance to each other.
And love.
To brighten the dark moment.
-So, how come your
parents are OK with this?
-Because love can happen
in all shapes and sizes.
You shall live
this life together.
Rest on it.
And when you come back, my son
will be even more handsome.
And you-- you shall come back
as his beautiful female bride.
-Good evening.
I have a room booked.
My name is Richard Senior.
-Certainly, sir.
Just sign here.
-Thank you.
Could you please tell me where
I can find Danny Weatherill?
-Yes, sir.
I think they are all
in the drawing room.
Just upstairs.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
-I'm sorry.
I'm looking for Danny.
Is he around, do you know?
-Uh, he'll be back.
-Are you here for the wedding?
-Yes, I am.
-Which side?
Danny or Billy?
-Well, actually I--
-Oh.
Ah, good to see ya.
Glad you made it.
Uh, do you want to
go up to your room,
and I'll catch up
with you a bit later?
-Yes.
Yes, of course.
I'll leave you to
your, um-- yes.
-OK.
What the hell's going on?
-Whoa.
-Look.
This is really hard.
-But I never thought you
would be one for money.
Or that many men, even.
-Listen, Florian.
It's OK for you.
With everything you ever
had, or wanted, around you.
I have nothing.
None of my childhood toys.
No photographs that are
not easily identifiable.
The gramophone my
mother promised me.
My grandmother's teddy bear.
The pipe stand I made for
my father when I was 10.
And yes, the house
with the sea view.
And there was some money.
But you need to understand
that almost anything
other than my memories
have b locked up
for over two years
because of his will.
And all right, yeah,
maybe-- maybe it's
not the most honorable of
things to do at short notice.
But can't you see why?
Why should I live without what's
left of my family history just
to see it go to some
soddy charity, or wprse?
My uncle, in less 24 hours
if I don't get hitched.
How the hell would you feel?
Oh-- and love?
What about the guy?
Yeah, right.
I have no problem.
All three of them
are really lovely.
I can't even make a choice.
-How can you marry someone
you've only just met.
Why not?
You've sucked the
cocks of hundreds
of men you hadn't yet met.
-Oh, who would want to marry
you so quickly, anyway?
I mean, you know, who does that?
-Someone like me,
I guess, Tracie.
Someone like me, you know.
-TRACIE: Right.
-That's it.
Here's what we're going to do.
Two groups.
We draw up questions, we
interview each of them,
then we score them.
Then the winner takes it all.
Now, Danny--
-That is a great idea.
We can all get to know
them more intimately.
-No way.
-Why not?
-Because I already--
-And you can't decide.
Besides, this might throw
up some more hidden secrets.
-It's settled, then.
Two groups.
-No.
No, I'm going to
be a contestant.
-Charlotte--
-I want another chance.
-Right.
I will do one assessment.
Tracie, Gregory, you
can do the other.
And when we're done, Danny
can have a one on one
with each of them.
We'll meet back here in the
90 minutes with our summaries.
Tracie, let's go and
do it in our rooms.
We'll get the boys.
[CLANGING]
-You're welcome to join us.
-Uh, no--
-Please do.
No.
-This is part of our ritual.
The groom must ride into his
ceremony on a strong stallion.
And then we wait for the most
auspicious moment to arrive.
-I just need him for a
little while, Mr. Patel.
I'll bring him right back.
-But he mustn't leave!
-It's part of our ritual.
He won't be long.
-No.
I'm not do-- I just want
to cancel my subscription.
I'm not doing this
kind of thing anymore.
Hey.
-Hey.
Um, we have-- Danny has asked
if we can do some questions.
His friends.
Just to help him decide.
Oh, don't worry.
You're one of three.
Oh, and you don't
need to get dressed.
Just come as you are.
We're gonna change rooms.
-Whatever.
-So, it is just a few questions.
Are you definitely gay?
-Yes.
Well--
-Right.
Nothing.
So, could be.
Now it's your turn.
You need to check.
-Yeah.
He's gay.
-How gay?
-Very gay!
-How big is he?
-Big.
-Little big, or big big?
-Tracie.
He's big.
[KNOCKING]
-It's open.
Ah.
Welcome to my boudoir.
-Tongues will wag, you know?
-Something tells me
that's not the only thing.
-Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
Oh, god.
You've planned
yourself to death.
-Yeah.
A lifetime in project
management does that to you.
Just imagine what my
first date was like.
-Do you mind if
I ask a question?
Not at all.
-Is this just a
flash in the pan,
or are you thinking long term?
-This is about growing together.
The road is always
rough, and you probably
have the most experience of
all on how to deal with it.
-Hm?
Ah.
But the best way to
learn is by doing.
-And how about you?
Are you ready for this?
-As long as everyone knows
what they're getting into.
Hm?
Why now?
-We don't always have
the choices we'd like.
Rest assured, there's
nothing underhand here,
though I agree it
is all a bit rushed.
-Well, I hope they've
got good supplies.
I'm gonna need this.
So, when do we
find out for sure?
-Tomorrow.
-Mm.
There's going to be broken
hearts to contend with.
I hope you're prepared.
-Favorite food.
-Home cooking.
What?
Anyone's home cooking.
It doesn't matter.
-And finally, what
does love mean to you?
-It's for the rest of your life.
It's honesty, tolerance--
and understanding.
-So you think it's
important, then?
-So, how many men
have you been with?
-Does it matter?
-Yes.
How many?
I would think so-- 300 to 500?
500 to 1,000?
-I always was a star pupil.
-500 to 1,000.
Busy boy.
Right.
How big are you?
-What?
God.
Does it matter?
Happy?
-Satisfactory.
Smooth or hair?
Smooth.
Big dick.
And what you do for a job?
-Sales.
-In what?
-Clothes.
Fashion.
Big brands at a discount.
Nothing flash.
-And which of the
big brands do not
take part in
aspirational sizing?
-What?
-Which of the brands do
not lie to their customers
about the real
size of their heft?
I'd have picked-- you'd
have to answer the question.
I was just joking, yeah.
Uh-- why Danny?
Why now?
-As you go through
life, it changes.
We discover we've
taken different paths.
Sometimes without
even knowing it.
This is a decision to change.
And Danny-- he is the
sweetest guy I've ever met.
He's open, he's honest.
And he's really cute.
-Thank you.
-How can I help you?
-Are you definitely gay?
-Yes.
-How do you know?
-Because I've been
me all my life.
-I need more evidence.
-Excuse me, young lady.
You probably can't afford
what you're about to do.
-So, evidence.
-Oh, god.
Look.
I don't do nipples.
Or breasts.
My tongue has never
been near a clitoris.
And apart from a very quick
grope behind the bike sheds
forty years ago after a bottle
of cider at the school disco,
I've never been there.
-That's all we needed to know.
Um-- how big--
-How big are you?
-I've never had any complaints.
-Never?
-Not one.
-Favorite food?
-What?
Nothing with chopsticks.
All effort, and no payback.
I'd say French cuisine.
Or that sauce.
-And what does love mean to you?
-A damn sight more t it ever has
to your generation, young lady.
I can assure you of that.
Well, until recently.
I suppose I've changed my mind.
But once you realize that
it's about the person,
and not about yourself,
you understand.
And it's the most wonderful
thing that you can ever find.
Though, of course, there are
many different kinds of love.
-But do you--
-You have your answer.
-Sorry, wrong room.
Uh, sorry, wrong room.
-Oh!
Jimmy.
Hard at it, I see.
-Wow.
Glad I was sitting
down for that.
-Good evening.
-So why is it you think you're
right for Danny this time?
You know, after
messing up already.
-It's not that it
was wrong last time.
I guess-- I guess we just
could jump to a conclusion
without really thinking.
-Do you think that it would
work with another woman?
What would need to change?
-Irrespective of the
complications others might see,
it's really not that difficult.
-And how would you get over
the physical challenges?
-When Danny loves
someone, it never stops.
If he opened his heart,
he'd find the right answer.
-Guess we're done here, then.
-I guess so.
-Where have you been?
-Drinking.
-Why?
-Have you got a
problem with that?
-Come and sit down, love.
We've got the results.
-Why does Charlotte
only have a score of 15?
-No cock.
-You're telling me at midnight,
the day before my big day,
you've dragged everyone
through god knows
what to draw the
conclusion that everyone
is the same, apart
from Charlotte?
Great.
-Look, it's a really
difficult decision, Danny.
You found some really hot--
um, I mean great guys.
-Have at it.
I'm going to bed.
Everybody out.
-But--
-Listen, guys.
I'm really grateful.
I am.
But I'm interested in who
someone is, not what they are.
-Que?
-And you.
You need to realize this is
not about how big someone is,
or the clothes they wear,
or how old they are.
That's all transient
stuff that changes.
Thanks for everything.
But I'm really
tired, and really--
-You're really doing
the right thing, Danny.
Don't doubt yourself.
Not now.
[KNOCKING]
-Good morning.
Looks like you're expecting me.
-Hi, Tracie.
-So how you doing?
Come on, mister.
You need your energy.
Confused, huh?
-Undecided.
Perhaps confused.
No?
-You need some help?
-Which one would you pick?
-See?
You are confused.
Here.
Let me.
-This isn't helping.
-But it would be easier, right?
I mean, if it were love--
-Tracie.
I'm not sure you're
one to advise on love.
-Really?
-Well, you have a boyfriend.
In fact, you have
a great boyfriend.
Yet you--
-Are undecided?
[KNOCKING] I'll get it.
-So, what do you really
think about love?
-It depends if you're
talking about family love,
friendly love, or being in love.
Being in love.
It's a wonderful thing--
if you can find it.
You can't buy it,
that's for sure.
-Hm.
Does it really know no bounds?
-When it's true,
it lasts forever.
And the situations are of it.
-Oh, wow.
His name is Zach.
Wow.
Billy is a rent boy.
-Bloody hell.
-Is that Florian's handwriting?
-It is.
Why does he always-- dammit.
-It's all a game, Danny.
So do you love him yet?
-Tracie, that is not helpful.
-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to--
-It's OK.
Someone else hired him
behind the facade of--
-Fantasy and indecision?
-Tracie, what is it you want?
Honestly.
-Mr. Wonderful.
Mr. Honesty.
Mister--
-Me, too.
And you have that already.
-Yeah, I'm not so sure.
-Tracie, it's not me.
-I know.
-I need to think
differently this time.
-You sure on that?
-You should give him a chance.
-Are you nervous?
-You never really know what's
waiting around the corner.
-No.
But odds are I can have
a bloody good guess.
-No, you can't.
I can see happiness all
the way to the horizon.
-So, once the panic
of excitement is over,
you'll still be here?
You don't think he's too young?
-He knows exactly
what he's doing.
-I feel as if I'm going to be
part of some live freak show.
-That makes both of us.
-Come on.
I'm bloody starving.
-Well, this is it, babe.
-Would you do it again?
-In an instant.
-Prepare yourself.
I mean it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-The congregation may sit.
Welcome to the commitment
ceremony for Danny--
[GROANING]
-Henry.
Are you all right, dear?
-Should I call the morgue
to make a reservation now?
-He lives.
-Trop wind.
A little bit too much
scotch, probably.
-Welcome to the commitment
ceremony for Danny and--
-Welcome to the commitment
ceremony for-- for Danny,
and-- for Danny and Richard.
[APPLAUSE]
-I don't understand.
What is happening?
We came a long way to
see our son be married.
We brought the whole family.
With luggage.
-And who the hell is he, anyway?
-He is my father.
-What?
-He's my father.
He adopted me two years ago.
Well, he helped.
And paid for my rehab
in the drug clinic.
The family had disowned me.
-What about the, um, the Indian?
-What about the Indian?
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
He's-- he's gorgeous.
-Yes.
He's very handsome.
-And very lonely.
I just want to be loved.
Not just family love.
But true love.
When I got your message
on the internet--
-You got me to buy your webcam
to date over the internet?
-A lot of people make love
over the internet these days.
It's faster and cheaper.
Now let him finish.
-I thought that now
might be my time.
-I-- he bet me.
He bet me that you
wouldn't marry me.
I wondered what
might happen next.
For everyone.
I've learned that a policy of
no surprises is always best.
-You're open.
-Honest.
Accepting.
And I like your approach.
I don't think you knew
what you were looking for.
But I don't think that matters.
-Oh, he knows what he's
looking for, all right.
And I bet you'd all like to
know just how honest he is.
Well, I'll tell you.
He's doing this for money.
Not love, but money.
-That's not true.
-Oh, yes it is.
He received his divorce
papers one week ago,
and now he's trying to claim
money from his late father's
estate by getting,
well, committing
to someone before midday today.
I have the proof
here in my hands.
Money is why he's here.
-No it's not.
I have found--
-Did you or did you
not start this process
to get your hands on your
late father's estate?
-Yes, I did.
And you don't have an
interest, of course.
The right question
is, what would
happen to it if I didn't get it?
-I'm not taking any
more of this charade.
-I need a drink.
-Ladies and gentlemen, please.
-I wonder if the
others are leaving.
-What do you expect?
-More heart.
-He can't get
remarried like that.
Anyway, if he doesn't
do it before 12:00,
we get the inheritance.
Well, the half that doesn't
go to charity, that is.
-You would take money from--
-It's not right.
It's not what David wanted.
He never would've allowed--
-Oh, you think
that's right, do you?
-He was my brother.
Of course I--
-We are not your brother, and
you need to find your humanity.
-Where are you going?
-To see my nephew.
[KNOCKING]
-It's open.
-Danny, you can still do this.
-No I can't.
I cocked up again.
-No you didn't.
Just because one
of your relatives
has got his head
screwed on backwards.
Still hurts.
-What does your heart tell you?
-That I made the wrong decision.
-No you didn't.
-I made a wrong decision.
-Danny.
-I still love you.
-And I love you.
OK?
I always will.
But we don't need to be
married for that to happen.
What does your heart tell you?
You can't plan yourself
through a relationship, Danny.
It's not as easy as
seeing a destination
and merely tracking
a course to it.
What do you feel in your heart?
-The last time I listened
to my heart, I hurt someone.
-That was just part
of your journey.
What do you feel?
Danny, you're thinking.
What do you feel?
-That someone in
that room is for me.
-So, are you gonna
follow your heart
and do something about it?
-It's too late.
-Danny!
Danny, don't!
It's never too
late for love, OK?
I got you.
Come here.
Get yourself together.
We can do this.
I'll get everyone.
Do you have a gong.
-A gong?
-Yeah, you know, like, um--
like a bell or something?
Thanks!
It's back on.
You must come and see.
But it's true love.
Raj.
What if this really
was your time?
You wouldn't wanna
miss it, would you?
-What's it to be,
boys and girls?
I think we should get started.
No, I don't think so.
Don't worry about that, son.
It'll mix as it goes down.
-It's back on!
Come on.
It's back on!
-No, I don't think so.
-Why not?
-Fill her up.
-Ah.
You think you've
won the bet already.
Best of three.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Nearly 12:00.
Maybe it won't be me.
I think I'm very lucky
I have a loving family.
I'm not sure they understand,
but they do love me.
-Welcome to the commitment
ceremony for Danny and--
-I've got something to say.
No, no, please.
Let me finish.
What I hadn't quite
appreciated is that, all of you
are a-- a family, with real
feelings, and real hearts.
Your father and I
had never considered
this as a legitimate
way of life.
Yet, the evidence
is clear to me now.
It's overwhelming,
and I'm very proud.
And I'm very sorry.
-Welcome to the commitment
ceremony for-- for Danny
and-- for Danny and Raj.
[CHEERING]
-Ladies and gentlemen,
I-- I'm-- I'm sorry.
Is this not Robert Smith?
I can only conduct a civil
ceremony for yourself
and your partner Robert Smith.
-When I applied, I was with a
Robert Smith, but he's left me,
so now it's Raj Patel.
-I'm sorry.
-Robert Smith dumped me,
and I didn't know until--
-I'm so sorry.
I just can't change
the names like that.
-Danny.
Do you want to commit to
me, for better and worse,
from now, for all eternity?
-Yes.
Yes, I do.
-I'm sorry.
I know you tried to have
a ceremony on the date.
However, the will
cannot be changed.
The certificate is valid,
though it is dated three weeks
past the explanation
of the will.
However, your uncle has agreed
to pass all of his share
to you, including the
family heirlooms, though I'm
afraid the other
half has already
been passed to the
specified charity.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Surprise!
-You guys look amazing.
-Florian.
You're the best friend I've had.
[MUSIC PLAYING]