A Very Murray Christmas (2015) - full transcript

[piano playing]

[Paul playing "The Christmas Blues"]

[Bill] That's funny.
That's appropriate, isn't it?

How does that go? Let's see...

♪ The jingle bells are jingling ♪

♪ The streets are white with snow ♪

♪ The happy crowds are mingling ♪

♪ But there's no one that I know ♪

♪ I'm sure that you'll forgive me ♪

♪ If I don't enthuse ♪

♪ I've come down ♪



♪ With those Christmas blues ♪

♪ I've done my window shopping
There's not a store that I missed ♪

♪ But what's the use of stopping?
When there's no one on your list ♪

♪ You'll know the way I'm feeling ♪

♪ When you love and you lose ♪

♪ Then you'll have the Christmas blues ♪

♪ When somebody wants you ♪

♪ Somebody needs you ♪

♪ Christmas is a joy of joys ♪

♪ But friends, when you're lonely ♪

♪ You'll find that it's only a thing ♪

♪ For little girls and little boys ♪

♪ May all your days be merry ♪

♪ Your season full of cheer ♪



♪ But 'til it's January ♪

♪ I'm going to go disappear ♪

♪ Yeah, Santa may have brought you
Stars for your shoes ♪

♪ All Saint Nick brought me
Was the Christmas blues ♪

♪ Those brightly-packaged
Tinsel-covered ♪

♪ Christmas... ♪

♪ Blues ♪

[telephone ringing]

- Merry Christmas.
- [Bill] I'm not here.

- Mr. Murray's suite.
- I'm already dead.

- [Dimitri] Yes, of course.
- The answer's no.

[knocking]

- Who is it?
- Your producers, Mr. Murray.

They're outside.
They've heard your beautiful voice, sir.

- [Bill shouts] God hates me.
- [Dimitri] Forgive me, Mr. Murray.

But God is your biggest fan.
Number one fan.

Truly a huge fan, Mr. Murray.

- You really think so?
- Number one, sir. Number one.

- [Liz] Hey!
- [Bev] Hey!

Murray Christmas!

- Get it?
- Yeah...

- Wow, you look festive.
- I would lose those antlers.

Has anyone shown up for this thing?

- We're here.
- Yeah, so that's one friend.

- Paul's here.
- [Bev] Yeah, Paul's here.

I wouldn't miss this nutty gig
for the world.

[Bev] What are you worried about?
Come on. Let's do the show.

- Chop, chop.
- There's no one moving in the whole city.

The airports are closed.
The trains are closed.

The buses and bridges and tunnels
are not working.

A couple of saloons have closed.
The entire city of New York is shut down.

And you're expecting me to go downstairs
and do a show?

- Anything that's fun is always hard.
- That's right.

Oh, it's a miracle.
You two are going to shut up for a second.

[telephone ringing]

- Please be George.
- [Bev] Please be George.

- Hey.
- [Liz] Is it George Clooney?

- Is it Clooney?
- Is it Clooney?

- Is he on the phone?
- Please, God, let it be Clooney.

[Bill] How did you get this number?

Now, you'd better tell me because
I'm going to find out. I am working.

Don't ever do this again.
Ever. You got it?

[Bill sighs]

- My sister.
- Family is important.

I need you to produce!

- [Liz] Okay.
- Okay.

- How do we cancel this?
- Okay. I understand why you're frustrated.

I would be frustrated, too.
Maybe we shouldn't do it.

- Bev, should we cancel it?
- Okay. You two, grow up.

The satellite is bought and paid for
and non-refundable.

- So we can't cancel.
- You've got to try to cancel.

- We placed all the ads, man.
- Which is so exciting!

- The network has been pro-mo'ing this.
- They are very jazzed about it.

And I don't want to tell you how
personally on the hook you are for this.

You do not want to get sued, Bill.

You don't want to be personally
on the hook. That is scary.

So we've got some weather issues.

Hold on, Bev.
Bill might have a right. Maybe...

Bill has a contractual right to do the
best fucking Christmas show that he can.

Let me guess. You're the bad cop.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
That was a little over the top.

Hey.

- Think of the troops.
- Yeah.

Right? And the kids in hospitals.
And pets outside.

I need my antlers!

You always forget them.

- Jackpot! Here we go.
- Thanks, Paul. Come on.

Here we go. Here we go.

No, no, no, no. No elevator.

The little guys in uniforms who run
these things couldn't make it in today.

Yeah, we're walking. A little exercise
is not going to kill you.

- Come on.
- Goodness me. Dimitri, hold onto these.

♪ Oh, the weather outside is frightful ♪

[Liz and Bill]
♪ But the fire is so delightful ♪

♪ And since we've no place to go ♪

♪ Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪

♪ Let it snow... ♪

[Jackie] This is your idea of a Christmas
special? This is a national disgrace.

Alright, stand down, Double D.
He's just a Hollywood sleaze bag.

I don't even know how to express
my shame in this moment.

The Murricane
skulking down the back stairs

like some 25-dollar-an-hour
Twin Cities hooker.

Go away. I told you.
I don't want a manager, especially you.

Maybe not. But you definitely need one.

Bill, Billy, this sad excuse for
a Christmas special... No harm intended...

Oh, none taken.

Seems more like a Christ-mess,
as in, what a mess!

We have George Clooney.

I rest my case.

You saw Monuments Men?

- I was in it.
- Number what? Seven on the call sheet?

- You were so good in that.
- You were great.

You were very good.

What I'm saying
is we all love George, right?

He and I are close.
He's a citizen of the world.

But we need size. We need edge.

If security had come in today,
I would be calling them right now.

Look, just sign with me today, okay?
I know you're a big fish.

But you're not going to snap my line,
okay? I'm hanging on tight.

Here's our Murricane special.

Blimp shot down
into Dallas Cowboys Stadium...

- Done it.
- Retractable roof opens.

- 80,000 screaming fans.
- Yeah.

What? You do it in post.

Camera zooms in.

We see Miley Cyrus wearing a sexy
red mini skirt, sitting on a white sleigh.

- You run in...
- Miley's in Tahoe.

I know Miley.
And that may or may not be true.

Okay, you just have to go away. I'm sorry.

Please just go as far away
as your company will send you.

Miss, could you check him, please?
Thank you.

I've heard that one.
You better check yourself, Bill.

You better run like a thief
from this car wreck.

Total disaster.

Total disaster.

Are you an actress?

[bells ringing]

[announcer] Tonight, Christmas Eve, from
the legendary Hotel Carlyle in New York,

Bill Murray
and his celebrity friends gather...

See, Bill? Easy peasy.

We cut from you here live on stage,
to your guests' pre-taped reaction shots.

No one knows you aren't
in the same room together. Boom, done.

- A Christmas miracle.
- You've got to be kidding.

This is from last year's Golden Globes.
That's not going to match.

Yeah, match it...
What does it have to match?

It's all just fantasy, right?

I mean, we're the weavers of dreams.
We're the makers of merry.

- This is all just an illusion.
- Absolutely. It's all an illusion, Bill.

That's Brad Pitt and Angelina.
They're in Africa.

And it's daytime in Africa.

They're not in New York at Bemelmans.
They're in Africa.

Those are huts.

[shouts] Who sees a hut?

Come on. Bill, calm down and trust us.

Were you nominated for an Emmy
for producing the SAG awards?

- No.
- [Bev] Neither were we.

So get up there and do the show.
We go live in 90 seconds.

Bill, I think it's a blessing
that these people didn't show up.

Because now it's your time, you know.

The universe gives us many gifts.
It's whether or not we receive them.

- That's right. Receive the gift.
- This job is always surprising me.

- I'm so alone.
- Okay, Bill...

- You know...
- We're with you...

You know, you and I...

we're not in the same business.

Okay, there he goes. He's going.

Bill, I don't want to pressure you,
but one minute until air.

Five cameras. I like our chances
of someone getting it right.

60 seconds! He's going up.
Let's get ready. Are you ready, Paul?

- [Paul] Ready!
- Alright.

- [Bill] What are we doing?
- [Bev] Let's jingle those bells, buddy.

[Ivan] We're going live
in five seconds, everyone.

Is there a microphone
or do we imagine that, too?

- [shouts] Use your stage voice.
- [Bev] Yeah.

You're on stage.

[Bev] There we go. Look.

- We've got one sound guy.
- [Ivan] Swing the camera. The other way.

[Bill sobs]

You people are disgusting.

- You're looking great up there.
- Crushing it.

[Ivan over microphone]
We're going live on air. Stand by.

Everyone set? We're live on TV in...

eight, seven, six, five, four, three...

Make it great. Two... Go, Bill!

[Paul playing "Jingle Bells"]

♪ Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Over fields we go
Laughing all the way ♪

[Paul] ♪ Ha, ha, ha! ♪

[Bill stutters]

This is a nightmare.
I can't do this. I'm sorry, Ivan.

- I can't do this.
- [Ivan] Cut the tape!

I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be laughing.
I want to weep, okay?

[Ivan] Go to commercial.

I am weeping. I am weeping.

I've never wept on a stage.
This is a first.

I just can't do this. I'm sorry.

We've got to... I don't know.
Show an old football game or something.

I just can't do this.

[Bill pants] Total disaster.

I've got to run. I've got to hide.

[shrieks] Oh, it's freezing out there.
Oh, God...

[whimpers] Oh, it's cold!

[pants]

I should have quit right then and there.

I should have stopped
right then and there.

[moans] I'd give anything for a guest.

Any kind of medium, half-talented fool.

[Chris Rock] Whoa! Wait a minute.

- Bill Murray!
- Chris Rock!

Chris! Chris!

Bill, what are you doing here
in the biggest blizzard in the world, man?

- Don't leave. Don't leave.
- I'm not...

Don't leave. Stay, Chris. Stay.

Go around. You can't go that way.

- Counter-clockwise. Counter-clockwise.
- Counter-clockwise!

The other way.

- Counter-clockwise. You are such a pro!
- [Chris] It's a pleasure.

Counter-clockwise. Chris!

[Bill laughs]

What's up, man?

How did you get uptown?

- Subway.
- They shut down the subway.

They are. They are.
I had to walk on the rails, man.

- Sit down with me, buddy.
- I'm sitting down, man.

What's going on?
What's all this stuff?

Well, I'm supposed to be doing
a live TV show.

- Okay.
- Live Christmas special.

- Are you in it?
- It just started.

- I'm the only one.
- Oh, man.

You're doing a live special in the middle
of the biggest blizzard of the year.

That is so you, Bill. That is so you.

- But now you're here.
- Yeah.

- And it's us.
- No!

- Yeah!
- No!

- Dust off the pipes a little bit. Sing a...
- I don't sing, Bill.

- You sing. You're a rapper.
- I don't rap.

Do you know me?

Some...

You can do it, Chris.
You've got to help me.

You can be the guy that saved Christmas.

I don't want to...
I can save your Christmas.

But what about mine? I've got
to get out of here. I've got stuff to do.

I've got to get home and build stuff.

I've got to build
a Malibu Barbie Beach House.

- You can't leave. You're trapped here.
- Bill.

- No way you get out of here.
- Bill.

Now, look. All you've got to do
is come in, sing a couple of songs.

Dance a little bit, you know.
We'll put you in some cool clothes.

And I swear on my life I will get you
on the first snowmobile in the morning.

Bill, I barely know you, okay?

- I just met you...
- This is our chance!

- Where's your boys?
- Let's hang! We've got to hang!

Where's George Clooney?
Matt Damon or John Goodman? Your boys!

Why am I here?

Maybe you should postpone this.
Do it a little later.

Is there any way?

No.

I've got to go, Bill.

There is no fucking way
I am doing a live television special.

No way.

I think I'm hearing you.

Look who's here, everybody!

[Paul playing "Do You Hear What I Hear?"]

♪ Said the night wind to the little lamb ♪

- ♪ Do you see what I see? ♪
- ♪ Do you see what I see? ♪

♪ Way up in the sky, little lamb ♪

- ♪ Do you see what I see? ♪
- ♪ Do you see what I see? ♪

♪ A star, a star, dancing in the night ♪

♪ With a tail as big as a kite ♪

♪ With a tail as big as a kite ♪

♪ Said the little lamb
To the shepherd boy ♪

♪ Shepherd boy ♪

- ♪ Do you hear what I hear? ♪
- ♪ Do you hear what I hear? ♪

♪ Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy ♪

♪ Shepherd boy ♪

- ♪ Do you hear what I hear? ♪
- ♪ Do you hear what I hear? ♪

♪ A song, a song, high above the trees ♪

♪ With a voice as big as the sea ♪

♪ With a voice as big as the sea ♪

♪ Said the shepherd boy
To the mighty king ♪

♪ Mighty king ♪

- ♪ Do you know what I know? ♪
- ♪ Do you know what I know? ♪

♪ In your palace warm, mighty king ♪

♪ Mighty king ♪

- ♪ Do you know what I know? ♪
- ♪ Do you know what I know? ♪

♪ A child, a child shivers in the cold ♪

♪ Let us bring Him silver and gold ♪

♪ Let us bring Him silver and gold ♪

Together.

♪ Said the king to the people everywhere ♪

♪ Listen to what I say
Listen to what I say ♪

- ♪ Pray for peace, people everywhere! ♪
- ♪ Everywhere! ♪

♪ Listen to what I say
Listen to what I say... ♪

[Paul] Hold it. Wait a second.

[door shutting]

[Bill] Is that us?

- Chris?
- [Ivan] Who cut the power?

- [Paul] Are we still...
- [Ivan] Go to tape.

[Bill] Chris?

♪ With a voice as big as the sea ♪

[Bill groans]

Chris?

Rocky?

Don't try to step off of this.

Where's Chris?

He's gone. And so are we.

Oh, my God.
It's out on the entire Eastern seaboard.

Pack it up, kids. We're out of here.

Amazing. This is good news. Force majeure.

Your contract was voided.
You know what this means?

You're off the hook.
Insurance will cover all of this.

Yeah. It's been a living hell.

See you on the next one, Bill.

[Bev whoops]

[Bill] Not if there's a God above.

Well, thank you...

Thank you, everyone.
Have a merry Christmas.

Okay.

[wind blowing]

- Bill.
- Paul.

- Yeah?
- Where are we going?

- You haven't quit drinking yet, have you?
- Should I?

Good man.

[Bill sighs heavily]

Chris and I sounded pretty good there
for a minute or two.

I was moved.

Well, I thought it was beautiful.

Ah, thank you.

The heat's off in here, fellas.
This will help keep you warm.

Well, you, or this, is the nicest thing
that's happened to me all day. To you...

It's Christmas Eve.
It's my favorite night of the year.

The power is out.
The storm is raging outside.

We're in here all cozy.

For now.

For now.

Have another sip. Warm up, hon.
'Cause, baby, it's cold outside.

Can't you stick around?

♪ I really can't stay ♪

♪ Baby, it's cold outside ♪

♪ I've got to go away ♪

I'm not kidding. It's really cold out.

♪ This evening has been so very nice ♪

♪ Been hoping that you'd drop in ♪

♪ My mother will start to worry ♪

[Bill] Your hands are like ice.
Let me do this to you.

♪ And father will be pacing the floor ♪

♪ Listen to that fireplace roar ♪

♪ So really I'd better scurry ♪

♪ You're too darn pretty to worry ♪

♪ Well, maybe just a half a drink more ♪

Okay, you flip the records while I pour.

♪ The neighbors might think... ♪

Baby, it's really bad out there.

♪ Ooh, what's in this drink? ♪

You couldn't get a cab
if your life depended on it.

♪ I wish I knew how ♪

♪ To break this spell ♪

This is so corny, but your eyes
look like starlight right now.

♪ I ought to say no, no, no, sir ♪

♪ I'm going to move in much closer ♪

♪ At least I'm going to say that I tried ♪

Duly noted, you have tried.

♪ I really can't stay ♪

Oh, baby, don't hold out on me, please.

♪ Ah, but it's cold outside ♪

Here, look at these hands of yours.
This is ridiculous.

Here, put them right under here.

This is the second warmest spot
on the human body.

This is an old native trick.

This can keep your fingers from freezing,
turning black and falling off.

I'd hate it if you could never
wear gloves again.

I don't think I could forgive myself.

Here. Where's... Give me the other one.

♪ There's bound to be talk tomorrow ♪

♪ Think of my life-long sorrow ♪

♪ At least there will be plenty implied ♪

You get pneumonia and die,
it'd be my fault.

♪ I really can't stay ♪

You've just got to trust me on this.

♪ Ah, but it's cold ♪

♪ Outside ♪

[chuckles softly]

Wow. You are so wasted
on the hospitality industry.

[shouting]

Oh, the chefs! I've got to go.

- Oh, let me help. Paul, watch the piano.
- Alright.

The refrigerators are down.

The chefs are freaking out.

Hey, are you guys okay?

She's dying.

[waitress] You mean she's melting.

I mean dying.

[in French] It's a catastrophe!

It's a disaster!

It's not a disaster, it's a celebration!

[in English] Tonight will go down
as the greatest night

in the history of the Carlyle Hotel.

Your beautiful food will not die.

It will live forever.

[shouts]
Because we will consume all of it!

Now, quickly, form a human chain.

Pass all the food. Up to the bar.

All women, grab lobsters and vegetables.

Men, any meat that's hanging.

Someone get ice cream.

You look like you'd like to have
your photograph taken with me.

What?

I notice that seems to really
cheer people up a lot when they do that.

They get big smiles.

I don't think that's really
going to do the trick right now.

I saw a cake.
It looked a lot like a wedding cake.

A lot...

Is that yours?

It was supposed to be.

But now... no wedding.

Because none of our family or friends
or guests could make it in.

So it's ruined.

Well, you're preaching to the choir.

We had to cancel everything.

Our dream Bahamas honeymoon, everything.

And then we're trapped in here,
so sad and angry

and things just have gotten...

[sighs]

Elliot, my fiancé, and I
just started fighting.

Yeah, I bet.

So Elliot caused the blizzard.
That bastard.

He ruined my TV special. Where is he?

I think he's in the bar.

Well, he's a little smart.

Want to come in?

They're giving away lobster.

You know, I have a theory
about getting married.

And when I fall in love,
I have vowed to practice it.

Would you like to hear it?

Not really.

- Cool...
- Thanks.

Alright, well,
if you get hungry or thirsty...

Oh, this is an improvement.
This is much better.

Much, much better.

Something is missing, though.

We've got food. We've got booze.
We've got attractive people.

- We need music. Christmas music.
- Oh, music.

We need someone to sing a Christmas carol.

We need a volunteer and
that person is going to be you, Dimitri.

Come on, you Macedonian madman.

No, Mr. Murray, please.
No, no, no. I can't.

You've got to dig deep in your history.

You've got to go deep, to your childhood,
your infancy, if necessary,

and just bring us a Christmas carol.

A one, two...

♪ On the first day of Christmas my... ♪

You're not a singer. And we don't
have time to find out if you're a dancer.

Let's try this fellow.
Scooter, give us something.

I know you know something. Come on.

[singing "O Tannenbaum" in German]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

You guys...
are both not working out right.

Come on, my little brandy angel.
You've got... Look at you.

I can... Something...

♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen ♪

♪ When the snow lay round about
Cool and crisp and even ♪

I could watch you sing that
all night long.

But no one knows the second verse,
am I right? No one?

- You're done with it, right?
- [Paul] Yeah.

Sorry. Okay...

I'm going to you guys.
You're going to be my Hail Mary.

How about you fellas play something
that nobody knows.

A pleasure. Key of "D"?

[Paul] Sure, yes.

[Paul playing the piano]

♪ When you find for some sad reason ♪

♪ You're alone this Christmas season ♪

♪ And the joys of home grow dimmer ♪

♪ Just like a memory's distant glimmer ♪

[Bill] Mr. Sandman, I need help.

♪ When your love and you are parted ♪

Can you get in here? Just hit it.
Just you. Just... Just... Do it.

♪ It's sad, I say, when you're away ♪

You're a natural.

♪ From love on Christmas Day ♪

♪ Why the sadness? ♪

♪ You got to move on ♪

♪ When there should be gladness ♪

♪ Keep moving on ♪

♪ All you can do is keep moving on ♪

♪ Time is mending ♪

♪ You've got to move on ♪

♪ Pain, too, has its ending ♪

♪ Keep moving on ♪

♪ Know in your heart
It soon will be gone ♪

♪ Whether cruising the lonely highway ♪

♪ Or jetting miles high
Through some skyway ♪

♪ When you've reached your destination ♪

♪ Awaiting baggage from the station ♪

♪ When you see some happy greeters ♪

♪ It can make your bitter sweeter ♪

♪ But still for real, it's sad to feel ♪

♪ Alone on Christmas Day ♪

♪ Why the sadness? ♪

♪ You got to move on ♪

♪ When there should be gladness ♪

♪ Keep moving on ♪

♪ All you can do is keep moving on ♪

♪ Time is mending ♪

♪ You've got to move on ♪

♪ Pain, too, has its ending ♪

♪ Keep moving on ♪

♪ Know in your heart
It soon will be gone ♪

[laughter and applause]

And you guys can cook, too.
Wow, you're going to be a real catch.

[sighs]

You're Elliot.

- How'd you know that?
- I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.

I'm here to warn you.

Sorry, sir,
but I'm not in the mood.

For love.

The question is, are you in the mood
for a lifetime of regret and loneliness?

Please go away.

I can't. I'm a ghost. I've got to keep
haunting and haunting and haunting.

[sighs]

There's a lovely girl
in the lobby, crying.

And not over her dead wedding cake.

- See you in a minute.
- Wait...

Peaches, love's got an up button
and a down button

and you decide which one to push.

What?

You ever try a "soiled kimono"?

- No. I...
- Just drink it.

That's it. There you go.

And listen.

[Paul playing "Christmas
(Baby Please Come Home)" on piano]

Hey, Paul.

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ The snow's coming down ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ I'm watching it fall ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Lots of people around ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ The church bells in town ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Are ringing in song ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ What a happy sound ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ They're singing "Deck the Halls" ♪

♪ But it's not like Christmas at all ♪

♪ 'Cause I remember when you were here ♪

♪ And all the fun we had last year ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Pretty lights on the tree ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ I'm watching them shine ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ You should be here with me ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ They're singing "Deck the Halls" ♪

♪ But it's not like Christmas at all ♪

♪ 'Cause I remember when you were here ♪

♪ And all the fun we had last year ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ If there was a way ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ I'd hold back these tears ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ But it's Christmas Day ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ Please, please, please, please ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Please come home ♪

♪ Baby, please come ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[Paul] Yeah!

[crowd whooping and applauding]

Does anyone want a piece of cake?

I think she means you.

Okay, now tell me your theory of love.

Well, it's really more of a philosophy.

Whatever.

Try to remember the specific moment...

the exact second when you knew
that you were really in love.

Not a time or a date or a trip.

But the instant that you knew for sure

you were in love.

And then what?

And then sing about it.

[young bride] To you?

To each other.

But I'll probably listen.

[Paul playing "I Saw the Light" on piano]

♪ It was late last night ♪

♪ I was feeling something wasn't right ♪

♪ There was not another soul in sight ♪

♪ Only you, only you ♪

♪ So I walked along ♪

♪ Though I knew
That there was something wrong ♪

♪ 'Cause the feeling I had
Was so strong ♪

♪ About you ♪

♪ Then you gazed up at me ♪

♪ And the answer was plain to see ♪

♪ 'Cause I saw the light ♪

♪ In your eyes ♪

[all] ♪ In your eyes ♪

♪ Though we had our fling ♪

♪ I just never would suspect a thing ♪

♪ Until that little bell began to ring ♪

♪ In my head, in my head ♪

♪ But I tried to run ♪

♪ Though I knew it wouldn't help me none ♪

♪ 'Cause I couldn't ever love no one ♪

♪ So I said ♪

♪ 'Cause my feelings for you ♪

♪ Were just something I never knew ♪

[all] ♪ 'Til I saw ♪

[all] ♪ The light ♪

[all] ♪ In your eyes ♪

[all] ♪ In your eyes ♪

♪ Do-do-be-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do-do ♪

♪ But I love you best ♪

♪ It's not something that I say in jest ♪

♪ 'Cause you're different, girl
From all the rest ♪

♪ In my eyes ♪

♪ And I ran out before ♪

♪ But I won't do it anymore ♪

[all] ♪ Can't you see the light ♪

♪ In my eyes ♪

♪ In my eyes ♪

[all] ♪ In my ♪

♪ Eyes ♪

[chuckles softly]

Will you marry me?

Yes.

By the power invested in me
by the Writers Guild of America,

the Screen Actors Guild
and the Directors Guild...

I'm also on the wait list
to the Teamsters Union...

I now pronounce you two
officially reengaged.

[all laugh and applaud]

It's 12:01. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
- [Bill] Alright.

Merry Christmas.

We're going to have to make
a Christmas decision.

It's either Slovenia or Mexico, folks.
It's your choice.

Here we go!

[Paul playing
"Fairytale of New York" on piano]

♪ It was Christmas Eve, babe ♪

♪ In the drunk tank ♪

♪ An old man said to me ♪

♪ Won't see another one ♪

♪ And then he sang to me ♪

♪ "The Rare Old Mountain Dew" ♪

♪ I turned my face away ♪

♪ And dreamed about you ♪

♪ Got on a lucky one ♪

♪ Came in 18 to 1 ♪

♪ I got a feeling ♪

♪ This year's for me and you ♪

♪ So happy Christmas ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪

♪ I can see a better time ♪

♪ When all our dreams come true ♪

♪ They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold ♪

♪ And the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old ♪

♪ When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve ♪

♪ You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me ♪

♪ You were handsome ♪

♪ You were pretty
The Queen of New York City ♪

♪ When the band finished playing
They howled out for more ♪

♪ Sinatra was swinging
The drunks were all singing ♪

♪ We kissed on a corner
And danced through the night ♪

♪ The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay" ♪

♪ And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas Day ♪

♪ I could have been someone

♪ Well, so could anyone ♪

♪ You took my dreams from me ♪

♪ When I first found you ♪

♪ I kept them with me, babe ♪

♪ I put them with my own ♪

♪ Can't make it all alone ♪

[all] ♪ I've built my dreams around you ♪

♪ And the boys of the NYPD choir ♪

♪ Were singing "Galway Bay" ♪

♪ And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas Day ♪

♪ And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas Day ♪

♪ And the bells were ringing out ♪

♪ For Christmas Day ♪

[waitress] ♪ Hey ♪

[whooping and cheering]

Oh, dear...

Oh.

[Paul playing "Sleigh Ride" on piano]

[band starting up]

♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling
Ring-ting-tingling, too ♪

♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you ♪

♪ Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling "Yoo-hoo" ♪

♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you ♪

George! You made it!

Well, there was traffic,
so I caught a sleigh.

And you brought Miley Cyrus.

- Of course.
- It's her sleigh.

Hey, save your money.
Flying private, you know...

- It's the reindeers that'll get you.
- Oh, yeah?

Trust me.

♪ Our cheeks are nice and rosy
And comfy cozy are we ♪

♪ We're snuggled up together
Like birds... ♪

- [George] Hello, Paul.
- So nice to see you.

- I thought I'd make a Martini or two.
- This is the place to do it.

♪ Sing a chorus or two ♪

♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you ♪

[back-up vocals]
♪ Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding dong ding ♪

♪ Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding dong ding ♪

- Hello, ladies.
- Oh, my goodness. The girls are here.

Hi, ladies.
Are you interested in a Martini?

♪ Just hear those sleigh bells ringling
Jing-ting-tingling, too ♪

♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you ♪

♪ Outside the snow is falling ♪

♪ And friends are calling "Yoo-hoo" ♪

♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you ♪

♪ Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding dong ding ♪

Yeah!

[applause]

[Paul] Well... that is wonderful.

[Bill] Wonderful.

[Bill sighs]

These kids have got something to do.
Let's go make ourselves scarce.

[George sighs]

Gosh, it's beautiful isn't it?

Yeah. For a sound stage in Queens...

[Paul playing "Silent Night" on piano]

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon virgin mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ Peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ Shepherds quake ♪

♪ At the sight ♪

♪ Glory stream from heaven above ♪

♪ Heavenly hosts sing halleluiah ♪

♪ Christ the savior ♪

♪ Is born ♪

♪ Christ the savior is born ♪

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ And all is bright ♪

♪ Round yon virgin mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ Peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ Peace ♪

[Paul jamming on piano]

[band playing
"Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'"]

♪ Now Mama's in the kitchen cookin' ♪

♪ The children all fast asleep ♪

♪ It's time for Santa Claus
To make his midnight creep because ♪

♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

[back-up vocals]
♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

♪ Santa Claus wants some loving now ♪

♪ Yeah, I know
There's something real pretty ♪

♪ Underneath the Christmas tree ♪

♪ But I ain't had no lovin' all week
It's beginning to worry me because ♪

♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

[back-up vocals]
♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

[George] ♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

[back-up vocals]
♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

♪ I've been trying to find
This old bicycle ♪

♪ I can't seem to find my pliers ♪

♪ I'm halfway watchin' Mama
For that sleepy look in her eyes because ♪

[George] ♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

[back-up vocals]
♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

Break it down for me will ya, Paul?

Now, holy-moly...

Alibaba and the 40 Thieves...

What size shoe is that anyway?

Is that a seven-and-a-half, eight?

Or is that an eight-and-a-half, nine?
Could... Yeah...

You're...

You're awful fine
but I don't think you're mine.

You know there's no place like home
for the holidays and...

I think I'd like you to take me home
or vice versa.

♪ I don't want no turkey ♪

♪ I don't care if I get any cake ♪

♪ I just want you to come back here, Mama
Before the children wake ♪

♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

You're driving me crazy, Mama.

[George] ♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

♪ Now Christmas is for the children
And I want them to be real pleased ♪

♪ But right now, Mama
It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ Come make your pappy happy
Pretty please ♪

[George] ♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

[back-up vocals]
♪ Santa Claus wants some loving ♪

I am the king of Christmas.

[band playing "Let It Snow"]

[girls shrieking]

Oh! Oh! Knock it off! Knock it off!

Come on! I can't breathe!

♪ Oh, the weather outside is frightful ♪

♪ But the fire is so delightful ♪

♪ And since we've no place to go ♪

♪ Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪

♪ It doesn't show signs of stopping ♪

♪ And I brought some corn for popping ♪

♪ The lights are turned way down low ♪

♪ Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪

♪ When we finally kiss goodnight ♪

♪ How I hate going out in the storm ♪

[all] ♪ But if you really hold me tight ♪

[all] ♪ All the way home I'll be warm ♪

♪ And the fire is slowly dying ♪

♪ And my dear, we're still goodbyeing ♪

♪ But as long as you love me so ♪

♪ Let it snow ♪

♪ Let it snow ♪

♪ Let it snow ♪

Look out, old Santa is back.

[applause]

Thank you.

[Dimitri] Merry Christmas, Mr. Murray.

Is it Christmas?

[Paul] All day.

That's good.

Thank you, Dimitri.

Not too bad.

[Paul chuckles]

[Paul playing "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas" on the piano]

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪

♪ Good tidings we bring ♪

♪ To you and your kin ♪

♪ Good tidings for Christmas
And a happy new year ♪

- Merry Christmas, Bill.
- Merry Christmas, Paul.

- Merry Christmas, Mr. Murray.
- Merry Christmas, Dimitri.

[Paul playing piano]

Merry Christmas, everyone.

[piano playing
"We Wish You a Merry Christmas"]

[piano playing "Good King Wenceslas"]

[piano playing "Let It Snow"]

[piano playing softly]

[man] Young lady, cheers to you.

- Cheers.
- [man] Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Young lady, my ass.

[piano playing
"The Twelve Days of Christmas"]

[piano playing "O Tannenbaum"]

[piano playing "Silent Night"]