A Very Brady Sequel (1996) - full transcript

A man claiming to be Carol Brady's long-lost first husband, Roy Martin, shows up at the suburban Brady residence one evening. An impostor, the man is actually determined to steal the Bradys' familiar horse statue, a $20-million ancient Asian artifact.

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- There's the mountain.
- I never thought we'd make it.

These ruins gotta be close. Let's go!

This is it! Come on, let's get started.

My God, that's it. We found it!

The lost horse of the first Tang emperor,
buried in the 7th century.

- The discovery of a lifetime.
- It's worth a fortune!

- Is the horse stowed safely below?
- Don't worry, I sent it ahead to my wife.

Your wife?
I thought we agreed to take it with us.

It's safer this way. Let's ship out
before the storm gets worse.

Son of a...!

Next item, lot number 123,



a guardian horse
from the ancient Tang dynasty.

One of a pair,
it's the only known existing statue.

Another was rumoured
to have been found but never surfaced.

We'll start the bidding with $20 million.

$20 million! To think there
might be another one out there!

I wonder where it could be?

What sort of person would have it?
I wonder what their story is?

Here's the story of a lovely lady

Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls

All of them had hair of gold
like their mother

The youngest one in curls

It's the story of a man named Brady

Who was busy
with three boys of his own

They were four men living all together



Yet they were all alone

Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow

And they knew
that it was much more than a hunch

That this group
must somehow form a family

That's the way
we all became the Brady Bunch

The Brady Bunch

The Brady Bunch

That's the way
we became the Brady Bunch

I love the last day of school.
So many boys wrote in my yearbook.

Lucky I ordered one with extra pages.

- That's nice, Marcia.
- Clark Tyson even wrote in French.

"M?nage ? trois."
I bet that means "You're the most".

- Did any boys write in your yearbook?
- Sure, lots of boys did.

Let's see.

- But, Jan, I don't see any messages.
- Oh, well... Here's one.

"Two, four, six, eight, wear your
retainer and your teeth will get straight."

You're not supposed to have
your orthodontist on your yearbook!

Here's one from my optometrist!

You're saying there's a wire you
plug into your TV to get 50 channels?

Sorry, but you have to get up
pretty early to fool Mike Brady!

Cable!

- How's that drawing coming, champ?
- Not so good, Mom.

Why do I have to work in Dad's
architecture firm this summer?

Tommy's dad's a fireman,
so he hangs out at the station.

And Eddie's dad's a boxer, so
he mops up all the blood and the sweat.

Who do you think designed
that firehouse and that gym?

- You mean...
- An architect, just like your father.

As an architect, you could design
a building where they build...

- ...rockets that fly to the moon.
- The moon? Wow!

What if I'm not good enough?

I drew a picture of our house
and it turned out lousy.

It's not bad for a first try.

If you keep practising,
you'll be as good as your father.

Thanks, Mom. I will.

- Looks delicious, Alice.
- Mr Brady!

So, we're all set
for the party on Saturday.

I've rented the tables
and I've ordered the meat from Sam.

Sam is so thoughtful.
He promised me his special tube steak.

That's great, Alice.

This will be Mrs Brady's best
anniversary present ever.

I thought a wedding ceremony to renew
our vows would be the perfect surprise.

Quiet! Here comes you-know-who.

Make sure she doesn't suspect
you-know-what.

Make sure which you-know-who
doesn't suspect what?

Nothing! Just what you-know-who
is doing for you-know-whom...

...on their you-know-what.

Mike? You weren't talking about
my anniversary gift, were you?

Anniversary gift!

You're silly!

Hey, everybody! Peter just gave me
his old detective kit.

Kitty Karry-All and I are his assistants.

Is there anything
you'd like me to find, Alice?

How about my girlish figure?
I haven't seen that in about 20 years.

- Oh, Alice!
- Oh, Alice!

- Let's look for some fingerprints, Cindy.
- OK.

I know where they could find
my fingerprints, Mr Brady.

Hey! Watch out!

Kids! What do they know about life?

- New outfit?
- My funky new threads.

As a man, you have to have it goin' on
in a far-out kinda way.

- When you're a man?
- Yeah.

I'm going to see if there's something
heavy happenin'. Bye, Mike.

Mike?

Halt! Reverse march, Private Brady.

Greg, it's...

It may be the fad to call parents
by their first names,

- but I'd still like to be known as "Dad".
- Sorry, Dad.

I'll be a senior next year
and we need to make some changes.

In fact, I'd like to talk to you
about something.

- What are you doing?
- I'm moving into the attic.

You're what?
Who said you could do that?

- Dad.
- But I need my own room, too!

Get hip, Marcia. I'm a man now,
so I get to have my own pad.

Get with the times, Greg!

There's a new thing called women's lib.
It means women get what they want.

- I'm not backing down.
- Neither am I.

OK, then. I guess
there's only one way to settle this.

OK. Your turn.

No problem.

Careful, Marcia. Your bracelet!

- Good job, Marcia!
- Watch out!

Oh, my nose!

Oh, no! The horse. It's ruined!

Jan! What are you doing?

Hey! Let's bring it down
to a dull roar, here.

What happened here?

Oh, kids! You know
how grape juice stains.

I'm donating this to my
women's club charity auction.

- Alice, could you take it to be cleaned?
- Sure, Mrs Brady.

Side saddle or bareback?

Hold it, kids!
You all have some explaining to do.

- It's really...
- Jan...

...the attic, so...
...downstairs...

One at a time!

I'll go first, because I'm the prettiest.

We built the house of cards
to decide who gets the attic.

It isn't fair that Greg gets the attic
just because he's a boy.

It's not fair to give it to Marcia
just because she's a girl.

Quiet... Quiet!

We have to stick together or we'll
fall apart, like that house of cards.

A deck consists of 52 cards.

If the hearts didn't work with
the diamonds, spades with clubs,

then how could we play gin rummy?

So, in keeping with
the spirit of togetherness,

I'm sure you know the right thing to do.

- Maybe you'd better tell them.
- Why, share the attic, of course.

- Share the attic!
- You've gotta be kidding!

Sharing and togetherness
is what this family is all about.

I'll get it.

Remember, we're the Bradys.

And there's nothing in this world
that can split us apart.

- Can I help you?
- I'm looking for Carol Brady.

My name's Roy Martin. I'm her husband.

- Honey, are you all right?
- Honey, are you all right?

I'm all right.

Kids, take a seat and give
your mother a little breathing room.

Right over here.

Roy?

You were lost at sea so many
years ago, I thought you were...

Dead, stiff, rotting? Gone to
that archaeological dig in the sky?

I almost was. But the thought
of my family back home,

that's what kept me going.

My three girls.
All of them with hair of gold.

Like their mother.

Marcia...

...Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

You have grown up to be so gorgeous!

I know.

And Jan, my dear Jan...

Isn't Marcia gorgeous?

And the littlest.

Sandy!

Cindy.

Thindy?

Daddy's sorry, Daddy had amnesia.

But don't be upset,
because... Daddy's back!

Hate to rain on your parade,
but Daddy's already here.

I'm Mike Brady
and Carol and I are married.

Of course. I'm sorry, Mark.

I couldn't expect a woman as beautiful
as Carol to remain single very long.

Oh, Carol...
You haven't changed a bit.

Hey, same pantsuit, too!

But... Roy, I hardly recognise you.

You look so...

...not like you.

I know, Carol, I do look different.
Ever since... the accident.

Accident?

An elephant stepped on my face
in Kuala Lumpur.

- Wow!
- An elephant? Wow!

The surgeons did all they could, but...
Gosh, you must find me hideous.

Hideous? No.

But you look taller than I remember
and your voice sounds different.

Really? Is that true, Roy?

I was put on the rack in Singapore,
that stretched me about half a foot.

But it was a small price to pay
to save a colony of nuns.

And a man's voice changes, Carol,

if that man feels the sorrow of being
away from the ones he loves too long.

Oh, Roy! It really is you.

I heard the bell. Do we have company?

This is Roy, Mrs Brady's first husband.
He's not dead, as we originally thought.

Nice to meet you...

He's a hunk, huh?

I mean, a hunk of meatloaf...
meatloaf sandwiches in the kitchen...

I rushed back as soon as I came out
of the coma in that Siberian hospital.

You've hardly eaten a thing.
Don't you like meatloaf?

It's delicious.

You don't mind if I ask you
what your plans are, now you're alive?

To be honest, all that's on my mind...

...is getting in touch with
the things I left behind.

Oh, I see.

I don't want to impose on you
any more tonight,

so I'll find a fleabag motel to stay in...

Can't Mr Martin stay with us?

It'd be great to have a real
adventurer in the house.

Mike?

Kids, remember what I said
earlier about togetherness?

A family is only as strong as
the glue that holds that family together.

As an architect,
I've learned that...

...a house isn't just fake panelling,
shag carpeting and Formica.

And as long as the glue that
holds that house together is strong...

Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but...

Doin' a fly-by here.
I'm having trouble following you.

Really? Well, what I'm saying is,

there's always room
for one more in the Brady house.

I insist that you stay
here as our guest.

You can take my den
as long as you need it.

You want me to stay?

I can't tell you
how much that means to me.

- Thank you, Mark.
- Mike.

Here we go.

Jan, why don't you wear
your glasses any more?

Glasses made me look positively goofy.

But these new contact lenses
help me to look ultra-glamorous.

Who has the toothpaste?

I wanna get up early
and hang out with Mr Martin.

- He's really groovy.
- And he's my dad.

You're so lucky, Jan.
Well, except for your eyesight.

And your teeth. And your freckles.

And that towel hanging from your braces.

Where are you going?

Downstairs, to talk to the only person
in this house who might understand me.

I'm in!

They bought everything...

...including the largest collection
of kitsch 70s memorabilia I've ever seen.

Anyway, I haven't found the horse yet.

No, I am not going to ask where it is!

We're talking $20 million.
I don't want to tip anybody off.

Call the buyer and make sure
he's agreed to our price.

I'll take care of my part.

- I gotta go.
- Daddy?

He's upstairs. I mean...

...what is it... pumpkin?

I need to talk to you about
something super-important.

I don't know
who else I can ask.

Well, all right. Shoot.

- Can I sit on your lap?
- What?

I mean... Why not?

You sure did grow
since Daddy's been away.

Now, what's on your mind?

- It's about... boys.
- Oh, God.

I don't think Daddy is up
to talking to you about that.

You could ask your brothers or sisters.

They just laugh at me. I want to know,
how do I get a boyfriend?

Well, sweetheart, the only way
you're gonna get a boyfriend...

...is to make one up.

Make one up. Of course!
I'll make up an imaginary boyfriend,

and Marcia - and everyone else -
will see how popular I am.

Oh, thanks Daddy!

I'm glad Mom and Dad
didn't invite Roy to stay up here.

It's crowded enough.

I'm not any happier about this than you.
We just have to make the best of it.

I can't believe I have to share
my far-out pad with my sister.

One,

two,

three,

four...

...four...

...four...

...four...

- Marcia?
- Yes, Greg.

I mean... What?

I was just wondering,
if Roy is really Mom's husband...

- Does that mean...
- We're not brother and sister?

Good book?

What's it about?

Why don't you put down your needlepoint
and I'll act it out for you?

Oh, Mike!

Honey, did you just have
the same dream I had?

I'm afraid so. Now Roy's shown up,
everything's so confusing.

Our family's been through
tough times before.

Remember when the kids couldn't agree
what to buy with the trading stamps?

- A sewing machine or a row boat?
- I remember.

In the end, we got a new TV,
something we could all enjoy.

I'm sure this will work out just like that.

- We'll get a new TV?
- No, we don't really need one.

I love you, Mike.

But I married Roy first and I promised
to love, honour and obey him.

A Brady always keeps a promise.

Oh, Mike. What are we gonna do?

It seems complicated,

but I'll soon get a firm grasp
on the situation.

There's something I'd like to
get a firm grasp on, Mr Brady.

My name is Roy Martin.
I'm her husband.

- Here you go, Peter.
- Thanks, Alice.

Can Kitty Karry-All and I help you bake
Mom and Dad's special wedding cake?

Cindy, when are you going to learn
that your doll is not a real person?

It's time you grew up and played
with important things like hair clips.

I'm gonna need all the help I can get.

I'm gonna make a three-tiered cake
and on top a bride and groo...

...Groovy day, isn't it, Mrs Brady?
Coffee?

- Thanks, Alice. Hi, kids.
- Morning!

Will Mr Martin join us for breakfast?

I tried to wake him
and he told me to stuff it.

He must think we're having turkey.

Jan, why aren't you eating?

Are the blueberries stuck
in your braces again? Let me help.

That's not it. I'm watching my figure
for my new boyfriend.

- New boyfriend? Well, that's news.
- I'll say!

- What's his name?
- His name... is George.

- George what?
- George...

...Tropicana.

What a nice name! Is he Cuban?

No, I mean Glass. George Glass.

That's funny. I've never heard
of a George Glass at our school.

He's a transfer student.
He came in the last week of school.

He's really good-looking
and he thinks I'm super-cool.

Sure, Jan.

- Marcia, I'll drive us to the rec centre.
- Great.

Remember, you two. No fooling around.

If you have to be at the rec centre soon,
there's no time to dilly-dally.

Have fun!

- Yeah.
- Hey, Mr Martin.

Can you show me some things
from your expeditions?

- What are these?
- Nunchucks.

Martial arts weapon. Stand back.

- Neat-o!
- You like 'em?

- Knock yourself out.
- Thanks.

- There you are, Peter.
- Look what Mr Martin gave me.

- Could I stay home today?
- With Mr Martin?

But this is your first day at the office.

I'd like a little quiet time here
all on my own.

Well, all right.

Hurry up, you don't want to be tardy
your first day on the job.

- Thanks for the neat stuff, Mr Martin.
- No problem.

You seem to be having
quite an effect on Peter.

Like I always say, "Veni, vidi, vici".
I came, I saw, I conquered.

Like I always say, "Caveat emptor".

Doesn't that mean, "Buyer beware"?

Yes. Yes, it does.

OK. Two cokes for two groovy chicks.

Either of you want a hot wiener
to go with that?

No...

Thanks for the tip!

Hello. This is George Glass.

Would you please page
the very beautiful Jan Brady...

...and tell her to call her boyfriend,
George Glass?

You will? Thank you.

- Hi, Marcia. Working on your tan?
- M-hm.

- Attention...
- Listen, Marcia!

- What?
- Will the very beautiful Jan Brady...

Go away!

Did you hear?
George Glass was trying to page me.

Honestly, Jan!

I'm going for a dip.

Kids, listen to me.

You behave. I'll be right over here.

Mrs Cummings! Hi!

Jan! How are you doing?
How's your summer going?

It's fine, except...

What is it, Jan? You can tell me.

School's out, but I'm still
your guidance counsellor.

I've been telling people something
that isn't the total truth.

- I wanna know if that's OK.
- You have to be true to yourself, Jan.

If other people don't like it,
it can be a real drag.

But I say, if it makes you feel better
to have a little mystery about yourself,

then you go, girl!

Gee, thanks!
That makes me feel a whole lot better.

Momma, she's teasing me again!

I've told you not to fight with your sister!

But she started it,
only she never gets yelled at.

Everybody loves Moesha.
Moesha, Moesha, Moesha!

Hey, Brent! Hey, Jason!
Any safety infractions today?

- Look, Jay, it's Snackboy.
- Run and get me a Fresca, Brady.

- You guys are nutty.
- Jay! Look, coming up the ladder.

Good sighting, dude.

OK, fellas.

Time to see the master at work.

That boy's out there.

Parents must have done
serious drugs in the 70s.

Hey, there, foxy lady.

- Marcia!
- Greg!

- I gotta go.
- Me, too.

And this is where we display our models.
Look, this one's mine.

Everything's miniaturised,
trees, car, people,

potato-sack racing in the back yard.

- Peter?
- Neat, Dad.

Let me show you my office.

Mike, where's that boy of yours?

Peter, you remember my boss,
Mr Phillips.

Nice to see you again, Mr Phillips.

- Hospital.
- Hospital?

I'm almost done with those hospital
blueprints. You can have them by five.

Dad, I think I hit him on the head
with these. I'm sorry.

- Drumsticks are not toys.
- Not drumsticks, weapons.

Weapons are not toys, either.

- I'm going to have to confiscate these.
- But they were a gift.

A gift is a good thing when the giver
gives thought to the gift.

When the gift the giver gives gives grief,
that gift should give the givee regrets.

Now, let's get working on
those hospital plans for Mr Phillips.

...149, 150, 151.

Gosh! I never knew I had
this many hairs on the back of my hand.

Bobby! Bobby!
Something terrible has happened.

- What is it?
- Kitty Karry-All is missing.

- Really? This is super!
- What do you mean, super?

This is our first real case.
Wherever that doll is, we'll find her.

You look under that bed, I'll get this one.

- She's not under here...
- Not here, either. Hi, Mr Martin.

You kids scared the sh...
...the heck out of me.

We're looking for Kitty Karry-All
with Bobby's detective kit.

- I'm a private dick.
- Nah, too easy.

Look, here's 20 bucks.
Go buy a magic kit and disappear.

- Gee, thanks!
- Wait! On second thoughts...

...maybe you can help.
I'm looking for a horse.

A horth? In the houthe? Mommy
wouldn't allow a horth in the houthe.

It's cute. Very cute...
No, it's a sculpture of a horse.

- You mean the one we messed up?
- What do you mean, you messed up?

- There was an accident.
- An accident? Where's the horse?

Well, we sent it to the antiques store
on Sherwood Avenue to be cleaned.

Oh, Sherwood Avenue?
All right. Thanks, Jan. Thanks, Peter.

Here's another 20 bucks.
Get yourselves to The Gap, fast.

- Oh, can I borrow your car, Bobby?
- I'm Greg.

- Whatever.
- Where do you need to go?

- To get something for your mother.
- We need to get mom a present, too.

We'll go to the shopping centre.

- Did you get it?
- No problem.

Here it is.
Clean as new and just as heavy.

I haven't had 30Ibs of horse
since Sam had a health inspection.

Oh, Alice!

- And Greg's a really great driver.
- Yeah, this'll be great.

- See you later, Alice.
- Have a nice neigh!

- Bye, Alice.
- No, wait!

Where's Roy?

Hey! Over here! Taxi!

Whoops!

I'm on to you, Mr Roy Martin.

He likes exotic foods.
No wonder he didn't want my meatloaf.

Maybe if I put these in his supper,
his appetite will come back.

After 15 years at the same salon,
my hairstylist went out of business.

I can believe it.
You relax, Sergio is here for you.

I'll give you a whole new look.
Everything's going to be different.

But I don't want everything different.
I love Mike.

- Who's Mike?
- I'm sorry. Mike's my husband.

At least, he's one of my husbands.

Interesting! Keep going, get it out.

It looks like I'm still married to Roy,
my first husband.

What kind of person would I be
if I forgot my vows?

Normal.

What should I do if Roy asks
the girls and me to go away with him?

What about Mike? And Bobby?
And Peter? And Greg?

- Good God! Three more husbands?
- No, just one too many.

- There's a simple solution. Get divorced.
- Oh, I couldn't!

With your new hairstyle, you'll do lots
of things you never thought you could.

Buckle up, Carol. It's magic time.

- Comb.
- Comb.

- Scissors.
- Scissors.

- Chainsaw.
- Chainsaw.

Sergio? Sergi...

Where's that bald girl?

Well, Mrs Brady.
What do you think of the new you?

I like it!

Still planning for the wedding ceremony?

That's right. I thought the organ
would go over there.

If things don't straighten out, Mrs Brady
may never see that organ again.

Hey, Dad!
Boy, did we have a far-out time!

I found a groovy present for Mom. A
barrette for me to wear to the wedding.

- I have something I'd like to discuss.
- Is it about where I shop?

Now you mention it,
I have that suit in brown and green.

- I know. You're wearing it.
- So I am.

It's about Peter
and the gift you gave him.

The nunchucks.

Shall I tell you
what being a good guest means?

- Could I stop you?
- It means respecting the house rules.

The rules in our house read,
"Do not give lethal weapons to children."

What you give to children
comes back to you.

Kids are like little people, only younger.
Understood?

Absolutely! It'll never happen again.
Thanks, Mark.

- Mike.
- Roy.

- Right.
- Yeah.

- Roy!
- Carol!

I've never been so happy
to see anybody in my life.

- There's something I want to ask you.
- I want to ask you something, too.

How do you feel about divor... div... di...

Oh, Carol, you're stuttering.
But it only makes you more charming.

You shouldn't flatter me.

A long time ago I sent you something,
that horse from my last journey.

It has no real value but it's a symbol
of our relationship. I need to see it.

We did have it,
but we sent it to the auction.

- Christie's? Sotheby's?
- No, my women's club charity auction.

Oh! Well, you have to get it back.

I would if I could,
but I promised them the horse.

- And a Brady always keeps a promise.
- Yeah.

There is one thing we could do.

You could bid on it yourself, tomorrow.
But... Oh, Roy...

- What do you mean, "Oh, Roy"?
- They're valuing it at fifty dollars.

Fifty dollars?

Fifty dollars and I have it,
free and clear?

Carol, I love you.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

- Hey, Mr Martin.
- What can I do for you?

- I'm in a fix. I need advice.
- Put yourself up for adoption.

Dad wants me to be an architect
but I want to be an adventurer like you.

- Mr Martin, what should I do?
- Stop whining.

Being top dog is what it's all about.
Show people who's boss.

Even if you have to lie,
cheat, steal or kill.

Without that attitude, I never
would have made it in the big house.

Lie, cheat, steal or kill.
Thanks, Mr Martin.

- Maybe we can play catch later.
- Great idea.

Outta sight!

Troops! Dinner!

Alice, do you have to shout like that?

I wonder who that could be.

- Hi, I've got...
- Flowers for Jan Brady? Thank you.

They're from my boyfriend,
George Glass.

How did he know
that daisies are my favourite?

- Forgot your change.
- Keep it!

The delivery boy wanted one more look
at the beautiful Jan Brady.

- Isn't that sweet?
- That's nice.

I'm curious.
How come George never calls here?

What?

If he's as crazy about you as you say,
the phone would be ringing off the hook.

Well, I'm sure he'll be calling very soon.

- Here we go!
- Meatloaf!

Mr Martin, I noticed you didn't like my
meatloaf so I made something special.

- Spaghetti with mushroom sauce.
- Why, Alice, how thoughtful of you!

Come here, I gotcha now!

This is mm-mm-mmm!

Nothin' says lovin' like
a tummyful of Alice's spaghetti!

- More spaghetti, Mr Martin?
- Mm-hmm!

What kind of mushrooms
did you put in this sauce?

The ones in your room.
I thought you might like 'em.

Some of my mushrooms!

And they smell pretty tasty!

My room?

My mushrooms?

Oh, no.

Roy? Is something wrong?

Roy? Is something wrong?

Oh, my God!

I'm tripping with the Bradys!

Roy, are you all right?

The colours were so bright!

And you, and you, and you were there.
And Toto, too!

Oh, I love Toto. Toto!

Let's help Mr Martin to his room.
He obviously needs some rest.

Wait! Where are you taking me?
Auntie Em!

Alice, Mr Martin just
fell over at the table.

Was there something wrong
with his dinner?

That's odd. I ate the spaghetti too,
and I feel just fine.

- Well, goodnight, Alice.
- Goodnight, Mrs Brady.

I guess I'll be going to my room now.

Come in.

- Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy.
- What is it, sweetheart?

I still haven't found Kitty Karry-All.

What if she ran away
and is never coming back?

What am I gonna do without her?

Sometimes growing up
means letting go of things you love.

- I don't wanna let go of Kitty Karry-All.
- Sweetheart, your father's right.

If you don't find her, you'll find
a new doll you love just as much.

No!

There's no way you'd find
another doll as wonderful.

- You'd be heartbroken if she left.
- I'm sure she didn't want to leave.

Maybe she didn't have a choice.

Maybe she felt torn between
her love and her sense of duty.

But what if Kitty Karry-All
loves somebody else?

No matter what happens, Kitty Karry-All
will never love anyone else.

Are we talking about
the same Kitty Karry-All?

- Yes.
- Of course.

Now, go and get ready for breakfast.

OK. Thanks, Mommy.

Isn't that something! The light really
does go out when you close the door.

I can't wait for Marcia
to hear me talk to George.

Then she'll have to believe me.

Hullo? I'd like to speak to a live guy,
preferably one named George.

What am I wearing?
A bright red jumper with floral trim.

What do you mean, "Take it off"?

Oh, George! You're such a card!

Hi, Marcia. Would you like to
talk to George? He just called me.

That's funny. I didn't hear the phone ring.

That's because
I picked it up before it rang.

George and I are so close, we have ESP.

Well, great.

Hello, George?

Hi, George. This is Marcia, Jan's sister.

M?nage ? trois?
Well, I'm sure you're the most, too.

Are you coming to our parents'
surprise wedding?

It'll cost extra?
You have to fly in from New York?

That's right, I forgot to tell you.

George is in New York on vacation.
He's very continental.

Goodbye, George. Call again soon.

Nice try, Jan.

Mr Martin, are you awake?

Mr Martin?

Where am I?

Right here, in my dad's den.

Sorry to wake you up, but...

...I need your advice.
There's this chick I'm really hung up on.

But she's not exactly
the kind of girl I should be dating.

Sometimes the wrong kind
can be the right kind,

if you know what I mean.

Which you obviously don't.

What's the problem?
Her parents don't like you?

- No! I get along great with her folks.
- Is she promiscuous?

She's editor of the school yearbook,
president of the Davy Jones fan club...

That's not what I meant.
Does she sleep with a lot of people?

She used to sleep with two girls,
but now she just sleeps with me.

Whoa, Greg!
This girl is way too fast for you.

You'd be better off dating somebody
more your speed, like a librarian.

Date somebody else?
That's a great idea!

That's how I'll forget about her.
Thanks, Mr Martin.

Sorry to bother you.

Mr Phillips.

You can hardly notice that.

Come on, you bozos, get to work.

We're running a business here.
You don't get paid to sit around and loaf.

Would anyone notice if we
mixed him in with the foundations?

- Peter, I'd like a word with you, please.
- Sure, Dad.

Don't let me catch you napping!

Peter, why were you being
so high-handed with those workers?

I'm not letting anybody get in my way,
even if I have to lie, cheat, steal and kill.

Roy says that's what you gotta do
to make it in the big house.

Our house may be small
compared to what Roy's used to, but...

Mike, I think he means prison.

Prison? Roy didn't mention
anything about prison.

- Who's Roy?
- My wife's husband.

I have a funny feeling about him.

Johnny! Keep an eye on Peter.
I've got something to take care of.

My pleasure, Mr Brady.
Fellas! Load up the cement mixer.

Alice, remind me
never to eat your cooking again.

Mr Martin!

- Where's Carol?
- She left for the auction.

They started the auction?
I have to get there!

- I can get you there.
- You? How?

How long have you been driving?

I don't have my licence yet,
just my learner's permit.

I'm so happy I can practise
my driving on you, Daddy!

Oh, no! I lost my contact lens!

- Oh, no!
- What are you doing down there?

There's my turn!

What are you doing?
Get off the sidewalk!

OK!

What an unexpected rainstorm!

We'd like to thank Mrs McCormick and
Mrs Plum for donating their mom's vase.

Our next item is a lovely statue
donated by Carol Brady.

One hundred dollars!

- Roy!
- Carol, I need that horse.

- $200.
- Who the hell is that? $250.

Isn't it gorgeous?
The perfect gift for my sixth husband.

- Seventh.
- Who's counting?

I must have it. $300.

$1,000.

- $10,000.
- Zsa Zsa!

Hey! This is my room now.
Why aren't you in the attic with Greg?

I don't want to be there.
He's got a date with Kathy Lawrence.

Kathy Lawrence! That's the girl who
became head cheerleader instead of you,

because of Greg's deciding vote.

He can't date her!

But he is!

So I'm going on a date, too.
With Warren Mulaney.

Warren Mulaney! That's the boy who
beat out Greg for class president...

...and took his place
on the basketball team.

- You can't date him!
- Says who?

So, it's just too bad
you don't have a date too, Jan.

Oh, but I do have a date... with George.
He's back in town.

Really? That I'd like to see.

- Well, you will.
- If you say so.

And that, there, there... Ten.

- Thank you. Congratulations, Ms Gabor.
- Thank you.

Lucky he ran out of cash.
He made me so mad I want to slap him.

Remember last time you did that?

I wound up on CNN, People Magazine
and David Letterman.

Maybe I should slap someone.

Let's have lunch.
We'll pick up the horse later.

- So, chilli-dogs again?
- No, sausages...

Roy, what are you doing?

Doing? Doing with what?

You're carrying this out
to Ms Gabor's car, aren't you?

Well, actually, no.

- Zsa Zsa, she gave it to me.
- Really?

Yeah. When I told her how much
this horse meant to me, to us,

she said she wanted me, us, to have it.

Roy, this horse is very important to you,
isn't it?

Oh yes, Carol.
It symbolises our marriage.

And I am never letting go of it.

Never letting go of it.

Tell that greaseball scumbag
if he does it again I'll break his legs.

Put pressure on him.
Stick his head in the toilet.

Officer? I need you
to check on someone.

We're kind of busy here, thank you.

- It's about the family.
- The Mafia?

- No, the Bradys.
- Bradys? Sorry.

A man named Roy Martin may not
have been entirely honest with us.

- He may have spent time in prison.
- Hold that thought.

For Christ's sake, he killed
the babysitter! Find him. Now!

As you can see,
I have a heavy caseload.

I got killers, gang-bangers,
dope-dealers...

- Maybe I can run a check on this guy.
- You will? That's great.

- It'll take about three weeks.
- Three weeks?

The LA Police Department
is famous for protecting its citizens...

...and dispensing even-handed justice.
It'll take you three weeks?

Look, we need his fingerprints.
Do you have something of his?

- Of course not. Why would I?
- I give up.

Wait a minute, Officer!

Will these do?

Marcia and I bet each other a month's
chores over who did the best driving test.

- You seem preoccupied with your sister.
- Well, let's not talk about her.

She's a way-out, happening kinda chick.
You're groovy too, in your own way.

OK. Are you the skinny,
decaf, mochaccino grande?

- Who are you calling skinny?
- It's a drink, Greg.

That's mine, actually.

Marcia! With Warren Mulaney?

It's a free country.
I can go out with anyone I want to.

Is there a problem here, Greg?

No, not at all. Everything's groovy.

- In fact, why don't we sit together?
- Good idea.

- Together?
- Trust me, it's for the best.

Oh, good! They're here!

Come on, George!

- So, what kind of music do you like?
- I'm really into hip-hop.

Hip-hop? Sounds like
something a rabbit listens to.

Oh, George!

A kiss? In public?

You're so romantic!

It must be a performance art kinda thing.

Sometimes I wear it in a French twist,
and sometimes just in a ponytail.

Other times, I take
two strands to the back...

...and attach them with a cute clasp.

Tell them how you wash and condition it.

That time we did the Charleston
was the absolute tops!

Marcia, I gotta go.
I'm about to be paged.

- Take me with you!
- Sure.

Bye, Marcia, it's been...

Well, it's been scary.

Oh, no! What about my ride?

Now who's gonna drive me home?

Well, I have my car, Marcia.

Oh, George. Pull yourself together!

Oh, no! They're gone!

Wait for us!

We gotta catch their next show!

- I hope we find Kitty Karry-All.
- What's in that box?

Marcia's trophies
that couldn't fit in the attic.

"Most Popular Girl at Westdale High",
"Most Popular Girl at Summer Camp".

"Girl Most Likely to be Popular
the Rest of her Life".

Look, Marcia's diary.

I bet it's filled with mature,
womanly thoughts.

"And some day, my dream of dreams
is to be Mrs Desi Arnaz Jr."

Bobby, look! It's Kitty Karry-All.

I'm so glad I found her!
She must have got in here by mistake.

Not now, Cindy.
I've found something in this old suitcase.

- Something more important.
- What is it?

A picture, I think it was your dad's.
I don't think Roy is really Roy.

He looks like this guy named Trevor.

- Greg.
- Marcia.

- You go first.
- You go first.

I'm really sorry about Kathy Lawrence.
I never should have voted for her.

I realise now that she'll never
have half as much pep as you.

Thanks, Greg.
It's really sweet of you to say that.

To be honest, I don't think Warren
Mulaney's that great a basketball player.

I'd rather watch you score any day.

Marcia?

Yes, Greg?

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- I think I'm thinking what you're thinking.

- It's terrible!
- What's going on?

- Shadow puppets.
- Right!

- A hippopotamus?
- No time for that.

Greg, Marcia,
there's something fishy going on.

- No, there's not!
- No, there's not!

- Yes, there is. Look what we found.
- Roy lied.

Roy, could we talk for a minute
before we go inside?

I don't know how to say this,
so I'll blurt it out.

- I don't love you the way you love me.
- The way I love you?

Don't say a word.
Getting that horse back today said it all.

You'd like to go back
to the way things were, but I can't.

I have a whole new life here, with Mike.
And the kids. And Alice.

Can you possibly understand that?

Some day...

...somehow, some way...

...I'll get by.

Later!

Hey, JD! I've got it! I'll be on my way
as soon as the coast is clear.

Mom, we need to talk.

- Mr Martin's a liar.
- And a jailbird.

Kids! Mr Martin is still
a guest in this house.

Bradys always treat guests with warmth,
especially if they're part of the family.

- But that's it. He's not.
- What?

Take a look.

Oh, boy! Roy's not Roy.
This can't be.

Actually, Carol, for once,
your kids make sense.

Hard to believe, I know.

- You told us you were Roy Martin.
- I lied.

It's not nice to lie.

Oh, Carol. One word of advice.
Send Cindy to a special school.

- Why lie to us?
- It's a simple matter of a horse.

A man in Hawaii is waiting to pay me
$20 million for this baby.

Translated for the decade-impaired,

I could make some groovy dough.
Isn't that neat-o?

The police will track you down.

I'd better make sure
nobody calls the police.

Carol, you're coming with me.
If you talk to the cops, your mom gets it.

- You can't take my mommy!
- Cindy's right.

- Take Jan!
- Don't take Mom!

Kids!

Alice, watch out! Mr Martin has a gun.

And I'm not afraid to use it,
especially on you.

- Mr Martin, you won't get away with this.
- Oh, really?

If I'd been a better detective,
I'd have been on to him sooner.

This is all my fault.

If I wasn't so busy looking for my doll,
I'd have seen something suspicious.

This is all my fault.

I bet he wouldn't have tied me up
if I was Barbie. This is all my fault.

What a dumb-head I am.
Roy's not much of a hero after all.

This is all my fault.

I didn't put enough mushrooms in his
spaghetti sauce. This is all my fault.

Marcia looks great in those ropes.

Wait, what am I saying?
This is all my fault!

It was wrong to make up George Glass.
This is all my fault.

This is all Jan's fault.

- Carol?
- Dad!

- Kids!
- We gotta tell you...

I know all about him from the police.
He's not a nice guy after all.

And he's kidnapped Mom
and taken her to Hawaii.

He threatened my kids, kidnapped
my wife and abused my hospitality.

He's going to pay. Alice,
pack the flowered shirts and sandals.

- We're going to Hawaii.
- Hawaii! Wow!

Daddy?

- Dad?
- Please, help us!

So, Hawaii was formed
by underwater volcanoes.

Cooling lava shaped the mountains
that became this island chain.

Oh, my gosh! I forgot my hairbrush!

California's coastline
was formed by earthquakes...

...which began thousands of years ago...

I've marked your exit. I hope you
and your wife enjoy our lush mountains.

- I'm not his wife!
- What she means...

No need to explain.
We're very open-minded here.

You may know of our policies
for gay people.

I wish I could be gay again.
I would be, if I were with Marcia.

- And Jan. And Cindy.
- And Alice.

- And Alice.
- Gimme the keys.

Sure. Just sign right here,
and right there.

And initial right there.

Don't try anything else,
or you're gonna get hurt. Ouch!

- I hope we find Mom in time.
- Don't worry. Everything will work out.

Isn't there something we could do
to cheer ourselves up?

Hey, I know!

Let me hear some of that
good-time music that I love to hear

I got plenty of blues and sorta bad news

And I need to find me some cheer

There've been some times
when I've been down

More so recently

I gotta piece it back right
and make a new flight

React positively

There's no sense in walking around
with your feet stuck to the ground

It's much better to put yourself together

Create a lot of lovin' good vibes
for humanity

I wish they'd shut up.

That's fine with me

Let me hear some of that
good-time music that I love to hear

I got plenty of blues and sorta bad news

And I need to find me some cheer

Good-time music

Good-time music

May I have your attention, please?

Those dancing and singing in the aisles,
please sit down and shut up.

- Hear! Hear!
- Thank you!

Good-time music...

About time!

If you're not Roy Martin, I demand
you tell me what happened to him.

I'll tell you later. I wanna concentrate
on how filthy rich I'm gonna be.

Careful!
I don't want two dead husbands.

Well, actually, it'd be one dead husband
and one dead impostor.

Really, it would be one
possibly dead husband...

...and one potentially dead impostor.

Painful to the very end.

Here we go, come on!

Come on, Romeo!

All right. The best way
to find your mother is to split up.

- Where's Marcia?
- Getting lei'd by those Hawaiian boys.

- Marcia!
- Coming, Dad!

OK, kids. Leave no stone unturned
nor mountain unclimbed.

And this is no time for a long speech,
but as a wise man once said...

- Let's go find your mother!
- Yeah!

- OK, Bobby, keep your eyes peeled.
- I don't see her anywhere.

- Mom!
- I'm right here, sweetheart!

Carol!

Mrs Brady!

Justin! Cool your jets!

- Welcome. How may I help you?
- Have you seen my mother?

Honey! We're all checked out.
Let's go over this again.

- Luggage? Tickets?
- Check.

Kid?

- I know he was here a minute ago.
- Honey...

George! George Gunther Glass,
we're gonna be late!

George Glass?

- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.

Hi!

Hi!

I can't believe I got so upset
about losing my doll.

Losing your mommy's so much worse.
I'm just a big baby.

It's OK, Cindy.
Everybody grows up at different times.

When it's right for you, you'll know.
Hey, look! There's Greg.

Mom!

Oh, no! Greg's hurt!
Lucky I took that life-saving class.

Greg!

- Greg! Where are you going?
- Something suddenly came up.

- Have you seen this woman?
- I gave her and her friend a Jeep.

- That friend is no friend at all.
- Who are you?

- I'm her husband.
- Really? Her husband?

It's not my business,
but she said she wanted to be gay.

Of course! We all do, don't we, kids?

That's why we need to find her.
Do you know where they went?

What the hell was that?

Oh, great!

Of all the bad luck!

Carol, get out of the car.
We're walking.

Carol!

Oh, my! It's windy.
Thank goodness I use Aquanet.

Look, kids, we're in luck.

- We may have found Roy's Jeep.
- How can you be so sure?

- Wait, I think Dad's right.
- How do you know?

Any detective would realise
this is yarn from Mom's needlepoint.

Good job!

Your mother's clever.
She's leaving clues so we can follow.

Oh, darn! I must have dropped my yarn.

Dr Whitehead, I found this woman
trespassing in the cave.

- So I see.
- Coffee?

She looks harmless enough.
You can let her go.

Yes, sir.

Let me guess.
You got separated from your tour group.

I have to warn you,
or something terrible could happen.

If you let me tell you the truth,
I can save us.

Oh, you're a Jehovah's Witness.

No, I'm a Brady.
But you must listen to me.

All right, but make it quick.
I'm expecting someone very important.

- The yarn ends here, everybody.
- What are we gonna do?

This is awful!

Now we'll never find Mom!

We'll have to cancel the wedding
and no one will see my new barrette.

I see a shoe-print,
a Ferragamo just like Mom's.

What are we waiting for? Let's go!

Dr Whitehead, I presume.
I'm Trevor Thomas.

Yes, I've been waiting for you.
Macadamia nut?

No.

There we go. Isn't she a beauty?

Glorious. I've been collecting
antiquities for decades,

but never have I seen anything
quite so wonderful as this horse.

Whatever. I'm in a hurry, so if you
don't mind giving me the $20 million...

- Unfortunately, I cannot do that.
- Why not?

Because this is what we connoisseurs
of the fine arts call a hot horse.

What are you talking about?

- Oh, my God!
- Mrs Brady told me quite a story.

You can't believe her! Look at her!

The hair, the clothes,
the constant cheerfulness.

Be that as it may,
she told me how you sabotaged the boat...

...when you found the horse
and bad luck for you,

my son was first mate on that boat.

So, thanks to you,
I'll never see my boy, Gilligan, again.

I'll never see my husband, The Professor.

Let's not be hasty. Maybe the ship
washed up on a desert isle.

Enough! The very idea
of those poor people...

...stuck on an island
for the rest of their lives!

No, let's face it. The Minnow was lost.

I wouldn't buy that horse from you
if my life depended on it.

Funnily enough, it does.

- Give me the money.
- If only Mike were here!

- I am here, honey!
- Mark!

- Mike!
- Mom!

- All right?
- I'm so glad to see you!

- You have some explaining to do.
- Let me clarify things.

You're a loser
and I'm getting $20 million.

I don't think so. The Hawaiian police
will be here any minute.

What?

- That's it, Brady.
- Careful, he's got a gun.

I don't need a gun to take care of you.

I am gonna kick your Brady butt.

He said the B-word!

Mister, you've deceived my family,
stolen our horse and kidnapped my wife.

But when you use language like that,
you've crossed a line.

Now, kids. You know that fighting
is no way to solve a problem...

- Not now, I'm trying to make a point.
- Try this.

Caveat emptor, Roy,
or whatever your name is.

- Dad! Are you OK?
- I'm fine.

Dad, I'm ready
to go back to work with you.

- Architects kick...
- Peter!

Architects are neat-o.

I used to think you were the most,
but it turns out you're all wet.

- I'm glad you're my only daddy, Daddy!
- Oh, sweetheart!

They're going to put Trevor away
for a long time.

I know where I'd like to put you
for a long time, Mr Brady.

It will be my pleasure to buy that horse
from you, Mr Brady, for $20 million.

That's very generous of you,
Dr Whitehead, but I have to decline.

There's only one place for this horse,
in our living room.

All the money in the world
can't buy togetherness.

I respect your decision but I'd be lying
if I said it didn't make me sad.

- Would this help?
- But, Cindy...

You can't give her away!
You went bananas without her.

I know. But now I have my mommy,
this doll doesn't seem so important.

So, do you want her?

Thank you, Cindy. I will cherish her
as if she were my own.

- Our little girl is growing up, Mike.
- I certainly am.

- Hey, Thindy'th lotht her lithp!
- Oh, Jan!

- Looks like everything's back to normal.
- In time for our anniversary surprise.

Oh, Mike!

Oh, Mike, what a wonderful
anniversary present!

- I never thought I'd get married again.
- You've never looked so beautiful.

I should have seen through Roy
from the beginning.

But I was so busy
trying to be a good Brady,

I almost lost the one thing
I love the most, my family.

You did the right thing, honey.

The family you have is the one you make
and that's the only one that matters.

- Sorry I've been acting weird.
- I have, too.

I'll move back into my room and wait
for the attic until you go to college.

Gee! You're the best sister
a guy never had...

No... ever had...

I gotta go!

- Tiger?
- Tiger?

Cousin Oliver! No!

Thanks for inviting me to the wedding.
I think you're super-cool.

Oh, George!
Want some cake?

Mmm, good!
I'll get us something to drink.

George seems really far-out.
I'm so happy for you.

- Really, Marcia?
- No.

Jan, of course I am!

OK, everybody.
Time to throw the bouquet!

- Mrs Brady, aim for me.
- Oh, Alice.

Good luck.

Ready?

One...

...two... three!

Excuse me, who are you?

Hello. I am looking for Mike Brady.

I am his wife.