A Thousand Clowns (1965) - full transcript

Twelve-year-old Nick lives with his Uncle Murray, a Mr. Micawber-like Dickensian character who keeps hoping something won't turn up. What turns up is a social worker, who falls in love with Murray and a bit in love with Nick. As the child welfare people try to force Murray to become a conventional man (as the price they demand for allowing him to keep Nick), the nephew, who until now has gloried in his Uncle's iconoclastic approach to life, tries to play mediator. But when he succeeds, he is alarmed by the uncle's willingness to cave in to society in order to save the relationship.


I have an announcement for you.

I have never seen
such a collection

of dirty windows.

Now, I wanna see all of you
out there on the fire escapes

with your Mr. Clean bottles,
and let's snap it up!

Murray, do you have to shout
like that every morning?

- Clears my head.
- Say, Murray,

were you planning maybe today
to look for a job?

- To what?
- Look for a job, Murray.

Shh, Murray.

Murray, what'd you
get me down here for?

- I mean, I... I just...
- Nick, what time is it?

Well, it's about 7:20,
but, Murray, now I have to...



Nick, in a moment,
you're going to see

a horrible thing.

What's that?

People going to work.

Gee, Murray, I hope it's not
gonna be a long visit

with the junkman today,
I have something

I have to discuss with you.

Peruccio here is a dealer

in obsolete structures.

Uhh, you still
getting a buck for this?

Half a buck.


- Two bits?
- Deal.

Oh, Murray, not another eagle.


You can't have too many eagles.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why did you follow me down here,
why aren't you in school today?

Well, it's a holiday.

Yeah, it's Irving R. Feldman's
birthday, like you said.

No, Irving R. Feldman's birthday

is my own personal
national holiday.

I did not open it up
for the public.

He is proprietor of perhaps
the most distinguished

kosher delicatessen
in our neighborhood,

and, as such, I hold the day
of his birth in reverence.

Well, you said you weren't
gonna look for work today,

'cause it was
Irving R. Feldman's birthday,

so, I figured
I'd celebrate too a little.

Ah, don't kid me, Nick.

I thought you liked
that damn genius school.

Oh, I figured I'd better
stick with you today,

something I gotta discuss.

See, uhh...

because it's this
special school for big brains,

they watch you and take notes
and make reports,

and they smile
at you a lot... Murray?

they're very nervous there.

And there was this composition
I wrote in creative writing

about the advantages
of unemployment insurance.

Why did you write about that?

It's on my mind.

And once they got my record out,
they started to notice

what they call
"significant data."

Turns out they've been keeping
this file on me for a long time.

Checking with that
Child welfare place,

same place you got
those letters from.

I never answer letters
from large organizations.

Well, anyway,
when they come over there,

I just thought we could...

Wait a minute,
when who comes over where?

Our apartment.

This Child Welfare crowd,
they wanna take a look

at our environment there.

Nick, why didn't you tell me
about this before?

Well, you know,
the past couple of nights

we couldn't get together.

That was unavoidable, you know
when I have a lot of work,

you stay up at Mrs. Meyer's.

Murray, your work forgot
her gloves last night.

Well, anyway,
for these Child Welfare guys,

I figure we better set up some
kind of a story this morning

- before they get there.
- You know, you make it sound

like a vice raid.

Well, I mean, for one thing,
Murray, you don't even

- have a job right now.
- Hey.

Have you ever been to the top
of the Empire State Building?

Four times with you in November.

Oh, really?

Have you ever been
to the Statue of Liberty?

- No, Murray, I...
- Today is Irving R. Feldman's

birthday, we shall go to the top
of the Statue of Liberty,

and watch
the Queen Elizabeth come in

full of all those tired,
poor, huddled masses

yearning to breathe free.

Murray, will you listen to me,
we have to...

Murray, couldn't I just read
you from The Times again,

like last week, hm?

Oh, okay,
read me from the paper.

Hey, Murray,
this paper is three days old.

So, what do you
want me to do, bury it?

Is it starting to rot
or something... come on,

read me from the paper.

Yeah, but most of these jobs,
somebody must've taken 'em.

- I'll go get a newer paper.
- No, we do not need

a newer paper... all the really
important jobs stay forever.

Now, start on the first page
of help wanted, male,

and read me from the paper.


"Exec assist, ex oppty,

$90 to top sell."

What's that?

"Executive assistant,
excellent opportunity."

Nothing. Keep reading.

Hey, here's a perfect one.

It says, "Writer wanted.

industrial periodicals,

to write handbooks,
reports, and promotion

on electronic equipment."

What you got there, kid,
the want ads or the obituaries?

Ha-ha, okay, kid,

read me some more want ads.

You know, Murray, you don't
want a job is the whole thing.

Would you just concentrate
on being a child,

because I find your
imitation of an adult

hopelessly inadequate.

Well, you wanna be
your own boss, Murray,

but the trouble with that is
you don't pay yourself anything.

You're not
paying yourself anything...

Hey, that's a good line,
I gotta remember that.

You ever consider
being the first

12-year-old boy in space?

Murray, I am upset.

Now, for me as an actual child,
the way you live in this house

and we live is a dangerous thing
for my later life

when I become an actual person.

Now, an unemployed person
like you are for so many months

is bad for you
as the person involved,

and it's definitely bad for me,

who he lives with
in the same house

where the rent isn't paid up
for months sometimes,

and I wish
you'd get a job, Murray.


You're absolutely right.

What's wrong, Murray?

I don't know, Nick.

Murray, are you all right?


I enjoyed
the Statue of Liberty a lot.

Yeah, it was great,
I'm glad we went.

Hey, it is a great view,
isn't it?


Otto, Otto.

We have reached at last
the mainland,

and we must now get
the rocket plans from agent X22.

Shh, but, you fool,
he is being observed.

It is essential
we are not observed.

Hey, if you're really
secret spy X12...

- I wouldn't tell you.
- And why not?

Because it's a secret, you fool.

Hey, spy, listen,
I'll tell you something.

You know those poison capsules
they give us to take

- when we get captured?
- Yeah.

Well, they got a new way
of giving them to us now, Otto.

- What's that?
- They're putting 'em

in the Cracker Jacks.

That's... that's crazy,

that's a silly thing,
what you said.

How silly, how silly
how such a silly thing.

They are putting them in the...

What is that?

It's ridiculous.

Let them put the prize
in the package!

But this is...

Excuse me, are you Mr. Burns?

Only for
a couple more seconds, buddy,

They poisoned my Cracker Jacks.

Yes, I see.

You are Murray N. Burns?

Oh, excuse me, how are ya?

- How do you do, Mr. Burns?
- Mm.

I am Mr. Amundson,

and this is Miss Markowitz.

Miss Markowitz and I
are a Social Service unit

from the Child Welfare Board.

We have been asked
by the bureau to...

Oh, and this must be
young Nicholas.

- Hello.
- Mr. Burns, we...

Miss Markowitz and I
have been asked by the BCW

to investigate and examine
certain pupils

of the Revere School.

There is a... may we

- see you for a moment?
- Oh, certainly.

There is certain information,
which the school and the city

would like to have of...

- Regarding young Nicholas.
- Uh, here, won't you sit down?

I'll just get rid
of these things.

I... I'd like to explain

just why we're here, Mr. Burns.

Well, say, would anybody
like some coffee?

Oh, well, thank you, Nicholas...
Miss Markowitz?

Yes, thank you.

Watch it.

It might be best, Mr. Burns,

for the child, if perhaps
you were to send him downstairs

to play or something
while we have our discussion.

Yes, it would be
more advisable, Mr. Burns,

if the child were not present,

since Miss Markowitz,
who will be discussing

the psychological area...

That is, we will be
discussing certain matters...

You gonna talk dirty?

I appreciate the,
uh, informality

with which you approach
this meeting, Mr. Burns.

However, due to the fact
that you have chosen

not to answer our letters

and several of our phone calls...

Miss Markowitz,
may I know your first name?

It's Sandra.

And you are the psychologist
part of the team, Sandy?

That's right, Mr. Burns.

And you, sir, I take it,
are the brawn of the outfit?

Perhaps I... I should explain,
Mr. Burns,

that the Social Service teams

which serve the Revere School

are a carefully planned balance

of a social caseworker,
as such as myself, and...

- Oh, thank you, Nicholas.
- Miss Markowitz.

And a psychological
social worker,

such as Miss Markowitz.

Or, actually, Dr. Markowitz.

Together, we form a rather...

Say, is the coffee any good?

Oh yes, very good,
thank you, Nicholas.

Mm, very nice, Nicholas...

are you drinking coffee?

Don't you think
it would be better...

No, it's milk,
I like drinking from a cup.

Now, aren't you
ashamed of yourself?

Mr. Burns,
Mr. Amundson and I have

several cases to examine today,
and we would appreciate

a certain amount of cooperation.

East Bronx, Mosholu Parkway.

And a couple of years
in maybe Massachusetts.


Oh oh, excuse me,
Nick and I are merely testing

our sense of voice and accent.

Nick insists he is
better at this than I am.

Actually, I took my
graduate work with a professor,

a man with a very strong
New England accent,

who could very well have
influenced my speech.

Nick is quite right.

Wow, thank you, lady!

You certainly have a fine ear
for sound, Nick.

Do you and your uncle
play many of these

sorts of games together?

Well, yes,
we play many wholesome

and constructive type
games together.

Phew, you're a big phony, Nick.

This lady is here for the facts.

Quite so, Mr. Burns.

We wish also to investigate
those intangibles.

- Those...
- Jersey City.

Maybe Newark,
a little bit of Chicago.

Ah-ha, I think you hit it, Nick!

Well, that's really
quite remarkable!

Albert... Mr. Amundson is
from New Jersey, he went to

- the University of Chicago...
- Uh, Sandra, this is really

- quite beside the point.
- Well, Albert, I think

it's really quite remarkable,
the boy...

Suppose I just
plunge right in here,

with several
of the facts required...

Well, Donny Duhamel
hooked these in the game

but they're not really ripe, so
I figured that the cantaloupe...

I'm sorry, I didn't
know you had company.

- See ya, Nick.
- See ya, Uncle Arnie.

There somebody else
living here with you?

No, that's just
my brother, Arnold.

He brings fruit every morning
on his way to the office,

he's a fruit nut.

Oh yes, I see in our files
that your brother

acts as your agent.

Our research team
spoke to him, I believe.

Say, you really do
a lot of that stuff?

Calling people,
going into my personal life?

You've refused
for quite some time, Mr. Burns,

to answer any
of our regular inquiries.

We understand that
you have been unemployed

at this point
for nearly five months.

Well, he has an excellent oppty
to be an exec assist.

And that, previous to this,

you were the chief writer for
the Chuckles the Chipmunk Show.

Right, Albert,
for three years I wrote scripts

for Leo Herman, better known
as Chuckles the Chipmunk,

friend of the young 'uns
and seller of Chuckle Chips

the potato of chips
your buddy Chuckles the Chipmunk

chomps on and chuckles over.

Would you care
to describe the circumstances

under which
you left the employ of the...

I quit.

You felt that this was not
the work for you?

No, why, I felt that I wasn't
reaching all the boys and girls

out there in television land.

Actually, it was not
so much I wasn't reaching

the boys and girls,
but the boys and girls

were starting to reach me.

Six months ago,
a perfectly adult bartender

asked me if I'd like
an onion in my martini,

and I said,
"Gosh and gollies, you betcha!"

Well, I knew
it was time to quit.

Well, may I ask
if this is a pattern?

That is, in the past,
has there been much

shifting of position?

No, I always take an onion
in my martini.

- This is a constant...
- Mr. Burns.

Perhaps you're not aware

of just how serious
your situation is.

The circumstances
of the child's environment.

- The danger of...
- Our investigation,

- Mr. Burns, is the result...
- ...substantial development...

- And...
- ...of what the bureau considers

to be almost an emergency case.

Yeah, but he just
likes to kid around, lady.

Really, we've got
a great environment here.

Oh, relax, kid.

Look, people, I am sorry,

let's get on with the questions.

Nick, suppose that you and I

have a little chat right here.

Oh fine, I was gonna
suggest that myself.

Well, I'm sure there are times

when the fun stops,

and you have nice talks,

and your uncle
teaches you things.

Oh, I can do a great
Peter Lorre imitation.

- Murray taught me.
- Uh, Nicky,

- what Miss Markowitz means...
- You can't hang me.

- ...is that you and your uncle...
- I didn't do it, I tell you.

- No, Nicky.
- That's not my knife!

- That's not what we meant...
- It was all a mistake!

- Nick.
- I'm innocent!

- I'm innocent! I...
- Nicholas!

That happens to be
a very good imitation.

Well, perhaps,
but we're trying to establish...

- Can you imitate Peter Lorre?
- Well, that's pointless, I...

I can also do a pretty good
James Cagney,

I mean, it's not fantastic
like my Peter Lorre,

- but it's pretty good...
- Now, Nicholas, please.

Try and pay attention.

- Now, if I may proceed.
- Albert.

If you'll just
let me handle this area.

All right, Nick,
let's talk about games, okay?



do you have any
favorite games or toys

that you'd like to show me,
some plaything that's

just the most
favorite one of all?

- Well, there's Bubbles.
- I don't think you'd be

interested in seeing Bubbles.

See, Bubbles is what you'd call
an electric statue.

It's got an electric
battery timer in there

that makes it go
on and off like that.

Is this your favorite toy, Nick?

Well, after a while,
it gets pretty boring.

Tell me, Nick,
do you like best the fact

that the chest
of the lady lights up?

Well, you gotta admit, you don't
see boobies like that every day.

Anybody want any toast
or orange juice

or anything?

Say, would you wanna
see the effect

when the lights are out?

- Or when the room is dark.
- Nick.

Tell me, Nick, is that
what you like best about it,

the fact that you can be alone
in the dark with it?

Well, I don't know,
but in the dark,

they really knock your eye out..

Perhaps don't you think
we ought to turn off that...

Nick, does Bubbles,

does she in any way,
does her face remind you at all

of, oh, let me see,
your mother, for...

For example?

No, it's just a doll, it's not
a statue of anybody I know,

I got it in a store downtown.

Her chest, is that something...

Well, it's something
all right, isn't it?

When you think about
your mother...

Well, I don't
think about her too much.

But, when you do
think about her,

do you remember her face best,
or her hands, or...

Oh, oh, I remember,
she has a terrific laugh.

See, it's the kinda laugh
that when she laughs,

it makes you laugh too.

she overdoes that a lot.

Well, I mean, physically,
when you think of her,

do you, uh, well,
when you see Bubbles there,

and Bubbles goes
on and off like that...

Sandra, his mother's chest
did not light up.

Mark that down
in the file, Albert.

Nicky, I wonder
if you'd turn those off.

- I mean, her off.
- Uh, see, mainly,

I like to read books
that are healthy, constructive,

and extremely educational
for a person...

Uh, don't push it, Nick.

He has no
unusual fixations, Sandy.

I mean, he's no more abnormally
interested in your bust

than Mr. Amundson is.

Mr. Burns, it is not necessary
to make that comment.

Of course,
I might be wrong about that.

- Our interest in that doll is...
- Say, you really are interested

in that doll, Albert.

- Our... our interest in the doll...
- Oh well, I'd sell it to ya

for two dollars,
that's 50 cents less

than I paid for it.

Sandra, I fail to see
what's so amusing.

I'm sorry, Albert.

Well, it was just funny.

Suppose I pursue, then,
the psychological part

- of this examination.
- Really, Albert, I really do

feel that it would be better
if I were to do it.

Hey look, Albert,
the lady was just laughing

because something funny

That's the best thing to do
under the circumstances.

- Mr. Burns...
- Say!

How would you all like to go
to the Statue of Liberty?

Now, I have it on good authority
from the weather lady

that today is a beautiful day.

Mr. Burns, now this interview
has reached a point...

I'm gonna get
my educational books now.

- I left them out on the street.
- Mr. Burns.

This interview
has reached a point...

- Mr. Burns...
- Now, dammit, Sandra,

don't interrupt me.

For goodness' sakes, Albert.

Sandra, perhaps we, uh...

Would you excuse us
for a moment, Mr. Burns?

I'd like to have
a short conference with Sandra.

- Yep.
- Um, er...

Dr. Markowitz,
for a moment, please.

Dear, what are you doing,
have we lost all control?

Are you seriously talking to me
about control, Albert?

Now, dear, I told you...

I told you
and I told Dr. Malgaut

it is much too soon for you
to be going out on cases.

You need another year
in the office,

behind the lines,
I told you both

- you simply are not ready.
- Albert, you hardly

let me get started...
See, I was attempting

to deal on the basis
of the whole child...

Three months out of grad school,
and you wanna go

right into front lines.

- Really?
- You get too involved, Sandra.

Each case, you get much too
emotionally involved.

Now, we are scientists here.

You seem to lose sight
of that fact.

Albert, this is no way to deal

- with this man's problems.
- Oh, that's fine, that's fine.

How are we doing?

You know, personally,
I don't think you're going to

solve your problems
with each other.

But I'm glad you came to me,
because I think I can help you.

Al, Sandy is not
going to respect you

because you threaten her...
No, respect will have to

come gradually, naturally,
a maturing process.

Mr. Burns,
the Child Welfare Board

is thoroughly aware that
Nicholas is not legally adopted.

Consequently, they have,
I assure you...

Now, you don't assure me
of anything, buddy.

You make me damn nervous.

Mr. Burns, according to the BCW,
the child's continuance

in your home is in serious
and immediate doubt.

Burns, aren't you at all
willing to give some evidence

in your favor for our report?

Some evidence to support
your competency as a guardian?

All right, Albert.

Look, folks,
what's all the trouble?

That kid's my nephew,
he's staying with me

for a while, he's visiting.

- How long has he been here?
- Seven years.

Nicholas's father, where is he?

Well, that's not
a where question,

that's a who question.

Nicholas's mother,
she is still alive.

Ah, my sister
is unquestionably alive.

But her responsibility
to the child...

Well, now, for five years
she did everything she could

for the child but get married.

Now, that's not easy
to understand,

since she used to
get married to everybody.

You might call Nick a bastard.

Or a little bastard,
depending upon how whimsical

you feel at the time.

I tell ya, folks, I got a real

social worker's paradise here.

Well, my sister, Elaine,
arrived here one day

with two suitcases, a hatbox,

a blue parakeet,
a dead goldfish,

and a five-year-old child.

A few days later,
she went downstairs

to buy a pack
of filter tip cigarettes.

Six years later, she returned

for the suitcases
and the hatbox.

Now, the parakeet,
I had given away.

The goldfish, I had long since
flushed down the toilet.

And the five-year-old child had,
with very little effort,

become six years older.

When Elaine returned
for her luggage,

I reminded her of the child

and the pack
of filter tip cigarettes.

And then, I don't know,

I slapped my sister.

Sister cried at some length,

and then proceeded calmly,
briefly, to explain to me

her well-practiced theory
on the meaning of life,

a philosophy falling somewhere
to the left of whoopee.

Well, that was almost a year ago
and I still got Nick.

But, uh, I am sure

she must have had
some concern about Nicholas.

- About the child.
- His name is not Nicholas.

Or even Nick... you see,
not having given him

a last name,
Elaine felt reticent about

assigning him a first one.

How did you
communicate with, uh...

I made a deal with him
when he was six,

up to which time he was known
rather casually as Chubby,

that he could use
whatever name he wished

for however long he wished

until his 13th birthday,

at which time, he'd have to pick
a name he liked permanently.

Now, he went through
a long period

of dogs' names
when he was little,

King and Rover having
a real vogue there for a while.

For three months,
he referred to himself

as Big Sam.

Then there was Little Max,

Snoopy, Chip,

Rock, Rex, Mike, Marty, Lamont,


Woodrow, Lefty, the Phantom.

He received his library card
last year in the name of

Raphael Sabatini.

His Cub Scout membership
lists him

as Dr. Morris Fishbein.

Nick seems to be the one
that'll stick, though.

His mother, where...

Oh, Elaine communicates
with my brother and myself

almost entirely by rumor.

Well, I don't think
I've left anything out.

I was not aware that Nicholas
was an O.W. child.


- Out of wedlock.
- For a moment there

I thought you meant
prisoner of war.

I think it's that natural warmth
of yours, Albert,

that leads me to misunderstand.

Yes, but, as concerns
the child...

Uh, where is the child?

You preferred not
having him here anyway, Albert.

I'm perfectly aware, Sandra,
of what I prefer

and what I do not prefer.

I don't care for that tone
of voice at all, Albert.

Sandra, I understand perfectly
what has happened here.

We have allowed
this man to disturb us,

and we have both
gotten a bit upset.

Now, I really do feel
that it's time we got over

to that family problem
in Queens.

It's there in your file,
the Ledbetters,

the introverted child.

We've given an unreasonable
amount of time to this case.

This interview, I'm afraid,
Mr. Burns, has reached a point...

Albert, I personally feel
that it would not be advisable

to leave this particular case
at this particular time.

Sandra, we have
done here this morning...

I feel that we have not really
given Mr. Burns a chance.


It's time we left for Queens.

Here's the Ledbetter file.

I'm staying here.

- Sandra.
- I've decided to pursue

- this case.
- Have we lost

all professional control?

You just go yourself
to the Ledbellys.

You, go on to Queens,
why don't you?

May I just talk to you
for a moment, please?

Dear, what is this?

What's happened to you today,
what are you doing?

I'm doing what I think is right.

Now, I understand
how you feel, Sandra.

- But there's nothing more...
- Are you really going

to leave that man here
like that?

You're not going
to try to help him

or tell him about the board
separating him from the child?

I mean, just so cold.

of course I want to help,

but let's not forget the child

is the one who needs
our attention.

Listen, you have...
You have spent too much time

in that graduate school
and not enough time

in the field, now, you've got
to learn your job...

Don't give me
any of that nonsense!

This is not the time
nor the place for this!

You know, graduate school
wouldn't have done you any harm,

believe me...
It's the most terrible thing!

Do you know what you are,
Albert? You're...

I don't know,
but I'll think of something.

Mr. Burns... Mr. Burns,
you can assume...

Mr. Burns?

Oh, uh, Mr. Burns.

You can assume at this point
that Miss Markowitz

is no longer involved
with your case.

Now, the board will be informed

that she's no longer involved
with this particular case.

Her continuing to discuss
your case at this point

is entirely unofficial.

You can dismiss any conference,

which may resume when I leave.

After I leave here.

From your mind.

And regardless
of what you think of me.

I think you're a dirty O.W.

And do you know what you are?



Good afternoon, Mr. Burns.

Good afternoon, Sandra.

Mr. Burns?

Mr. Burns,
I must apologize to you.

We, uh,

we have put you...

You have been put at
a disadvantage this morning,

Mr. Burns, because you've been
involved in a personal problem

that has nothing
whatsoever to do

with your particular case.

It's entirely wrong
for me to give you

this impression of our...

- Do you know what?
- What?

I hate the Ledbetters!

Well, I'm sure
once I got to know them,

- I'd hate them too.
- Mr. Burns,

you don't understand.

Some of the cases, I love,
and some of them, I hate,

and that's all wrong
for my work,

but I can't help it!

I hate Raymond Ledbetter,

and he's only nine years old.

But some of them... some of them

I like too much, and I worry
about them all day long,

it is an obvious conflict

against all
professional standards.

I didn't like Raymond Ledbetter,
so I tried to understand him,

and now that I understand him,
I hate him!

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Albert is gone,
and I just lost my job.

I wrote out
what my married name would be

on a paper napkin
last night after dinner,

"Mrs. Albert Amundson,"

to see how it would look.

We were going to be married.

It was all planned.

"Mrs. Albert Amundson,"
on a napkin.

You have to understand Albert.

He's really a very nice person
when he's not on cases.

He's a very intelligent man.

Last month,
I fell asleep on him twice

while he was talking to me.

Do you have to sit there?

Please go away.

Why don't you go away?

Well, I live here.

I would like everybody
to go away.

Could I get you
a pastrami sandwich?

I don't even know you,
I am crying

right in front of you,
please go away!

Now, you're really going
to have to stop crying,

because I'm going
out of my mind here.

I cry all the time, and I laugh

in the wrong places
at the movies.

I am unsuited to my profession,

I can't do anything right.

Last night,
I burned an entire chicken.

And after seven years
of school, I can't work

and I've got no place to go.

An entire chicken!

Oh, this is an awful day.

What am I going to do?

Oh, Miss Markowitz,

this is a beautiful day.

And I'll tell you why.

Look, you're really
a jolly old girl

and you are well rid of Albert.

You have been given
the rare opportunity

of returning the unused portion
and having your money refunded.

But my work.

What am I going to do?

But you're a lover,
Dr. Markowitz.

Yeah, you are a lover
of things and of people.

So, you took up work
where you could get at

as many of them as possible,

and it just turned out
there were too many of them

and too much that moves you.

But dammit,
be glad it turned out

you're not reasonable
and sensible.

Have all the gratitude you can
that you're capable

of embarrassment and joy

and are a marathon crier.

There is a kind of relief
that it's gone,

the job, and even Albert.

But I know what it is,

it's just irresponsible,
that's all,

and I don't have
the vaguest idea who I am.

It's just that there are all
these Sandras running around

who you've never met before,

and that's confusing at first,

fantastic... but dammit,
isn't it great to find out

how many Sandras there are?

It's like those
little cars in the circus,

you know,
this tiny red car comes out,

hardly big enough for a midget,

and it putters around,
and suddenly,

its doors open

and out come a thousand clowns,

whooping and hollering
and raising hell.

- What's this?
- That is my undershirt.

Now, how's about going
to the Empire State Building

- with me?
- I'll have that coffee now.

Didn't answer my question,
would you like to visit

the Empire State Building?

No, not really.

Well then, how about the zoo?

Not just now.

Well, will you marry me?

- What?
- Just a bit

of shock treatment there...
I have found

after long experience,
it's the quickest way

to get a woman's attention
when her mind wandered.

Always works.

- Mr. Burns...
- Oh, no, no, now that you cried,

you can't call me "Mr. Burns."

Same thing goes for laughing.

My name is Murray.

Well, Murray, um, hmm,

to sort of return
to reality for a moment...

I'll only go as a tourist.


the Child Welfare Board
could really take Nick away.

But there's some things
that you could do about it

to make your case
a little stronger.

Uh, Sandra, do you realize

you are not wearing your shoes?

Well, here I am with some
of my favorite books.

Uh, Fun in the Rain,
The Young Railroader,

Great Philosophers,
Science for Youth,

and a Spanish dictionary.

See, what I did was, I left them
out on the street when I was

- playing and I thought...
- Nick, you just killed

a whole month's allowance
for nothing,

Miss Markowitz isn't even
on our case anymore.

I shouldn't have left.

You got angry
and insulted everybody.

Nothing to worry about.

Well, four dollars
right out the window.

We're in real trouble now,
right, lady?

Nick? Nick, we have a guest,

a music lover.

Let's play our song.

Come on,
I'm sure it will be requested.

Murray, you know, we can't
play songs at a time like this.

Come on, old man, where's
your professional attitude?

Murray, we cannot...
This is no time to play songs.

- Please.
- ♪ Yes, sir ♪

- Murray, don't.
- ♪ That's my baby ♪

♪ No, sir, I don't mean maybe ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby ♪

♪ Yes, sir, we've decided ♪

♪ No, sir,
but we won't hide it ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby now ♪

- ♪ Oh, by the way ♪
- ♪ Oh, by the way ♪

- ♪ Oh, by the way ♪
- ♪ Oh, by the way... ♪

♪ And when we meet,

somebody will say ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby ♪

♪ No, sir, don't mean maybe ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby ♪

♪ Oh, by the way ♪

♪ And by the way ♪

♪ When we meet,

somebody will say... ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my... ♪

Nice to meet you, lady,
I'll see you around.

Where you off to, Nick?

Oh, I'm gonna leave my stuff
up with Mrs. Meyers,

see, I figure I'll be
staying up there tonight.

♪ Oh, by the way ♪

♪ Oh, by the way... ♪

♪ When we meet,

somebody will say... ♪

Murray, who do you know
who's leaving on that boat?

Nobody. I don't get
jealous that way.

Hey, thattaway to go,
Charlie baby, have a great trip!

Bon voyage, Charlie!

That's the way,
have a good trip!

But you see,
it's a great thing to do

when you're about
to start something new,

you see a boat off,
it gives you the genuine feeling

of the beginning of a trip.

Hey, bon voyage, Charlie,
have a wonderful time!

Bon voyage, Charlie,
have a wonderful time!

Bon voyage, Charlie,
have a wonderful time!

A wonderful time!

Oh, wall Street,
it's a lovely view.

To hell with the view.

Right now, at this hour,

it's just me and all that money.

Right now, I'm all alone
with two billion dollars

in cash, checks, and securities.

And me, I'm here too.

Yes, you are, lady.

Ah, light.


No matter what time of day
or what season,

I got a permanent fixture
out there.

It's twilight in February.

Now, one of these mornings,
I'll wake up

and that damn building
will have fallen down

into Seventh Avenue
so I can see the weather.

Uh, using machine
to call up another machine.

I do not enjoy
the company of ghosts.

Hello, weather lady,
well, I'm fine,

and how's your nasal
little self this morning?

What's the weather?

Oh, that high, huh?

And the wind, which way does
the wind blow this morning?

Very good, all the way from
Eastport to Block Island, huh?

Chance of showers?

Say, what exactly
does that mean?

Uh, uh, uh...

There you go again,
you simply must learn

not to repeat yourself.

I keep telling ya every morning
that once is enough.

Ah, you'll never learn.

Chance of showers.

Hello, is this someone
with good news or money?

No? Goodbye.

This is your neighbor speaking.

I'm sure I speak for
all of us when I say

that something must be done
about your garbage cans

in the alley here,
it is definitely

second-rate garbage.

Now, by next week, I want to see
a better class of garbage!

More empty champagne bottles
and caviar cans!

I'm sure you're all
behind me on this,

so let's snap it up
and get on the ball!

Good morning.

Good morning.

How are you this morning?

I am fine this morning,
how are you?

I'm fine also.

You have a bathrobe?

Yes, I have a bathrobe.

May I have your bathrobe,

Well, I'll get you Nick's,
it will fit you better.

Sounds like a good idea.

- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.


It's 11:15 and there is
a chance of showers.

Does the bathrobe fit?

This bathrobe fits fine.

Did you happen
to see my clothes?

Oh, uh, they're in the bathroom,

shall I get them?

No, thank you!

This isn't the bathroom,
this is the kitchen.

Here are your clothes,

also toothpaste
and a toothbrush.

Thank you.

- Morning, Murray.
- Good morning, Arnold.

Say, Murray, Chuckles called me
again yesterday

and I told him I would
talk to you, that's all.

Jimmy Sloan's in from the coast.

He's putting a new panel show
package together.

You know, Arnold, you have
many successful clients.

With all these
successful people around,

where are all of our new, young
failures going to come from?

Murray, those people
I saw here yesterday,

they were from the
Welfare Board, is that right?

- Now I tried to warn you...
- Now, there's nothing

- to worry about.
- What are you saying,

there's nothing to worry...
The welfare people

- don't kid around, now do they?
- Arnold, I don't mind you

coming here with fruit
if you'll keep quite,

but you bring a word
with every apple.


- Is Nick all right?
- Everything's okay.

- Bye, Murray.
- Bye, Arnold.

You know, yesterday
was the first time

that I had ever visited
the Statue of Liberty.

Funny how you can live
in a city for so long

and not visit one of
its most fascinating sites.

Yes, that is funny.



This coffee isn't bad
for yesterday's coffee.

Oh, oh, I think it's very good
for yesterday's coffee, mm.

Good to the last drop.

That's right, that's right.

- I have to go now.
- Oh?


I have to be on my way.

But... well, don't forget
your files.

Oh, oh, my files.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Yes, hm, hm...

You crazy nut,
I was ready to kill you.

What happened,
you didn't say anything.

Well, I didn't know
what was going on.

- Don't let me go!
- I'm just putting

my coffee cup down here.

Murray, I thought about it,

and I probably love you.

That's very romantic.

I probably love you too.

Mm, argh!

We'll have to do something
about curtains,

we need color there, Murray.

I hope you didn't mind
about the screen around the bed,

I think it give such a nice
separate bedroom effect

to that side of the room.

Oh, there's so many wonderful
things you can do

with a one-room apartment.

Really, if you're willing
to use your imagination.


Do you have an extra key?

- A what?
- An extra key.

Altman's has this
terrific curtain sale.

Yeah, oh, oh sure a key, uh...

I thought I would go over and...

You know what, Sandy?

I don't seem to have one...
An extra key.

You better answer that, Murray.

Oh, you sure you don't
prefer to, uh...

No, I have no reason
to hide from anybody.


Good morning, Mr. Burns.

How are you?

- May I come in?
- Sure.

I... I called you this morning,
Mr. Burns.

- Oh, that was you.
- It was me.

Miss Markowitz did not show up
in Queens yesterday.


Well, her parents
are quite upset.

I am quite upset.

- Where is she?
- She's hiding in the closet.

Now, we're really
all quite anxious to know

where she is.

I'm not kidding, Albert,
she's in the closet.

She is in the closet.

I wouldn't lie to you, Albert.

Why is she in the closet?

I don't know, uh, she's got
this thing about closets.

Well, that's a very silly thing
for her to be in,

that closet.

Well, don't knock it
until you've tried it.

Now, uh, what else
can I do for you, Albert?

That's a difficult thing
for me to believe.

I mean, that she's right there
in the closet.

You know, you are not a person,
Mr. Burns,

you are an experience.

Very nice, Albert,
I'll have to remember that.

Uh, actually, Dr. Markowitz
is not the reason

for my visit today.

I came here in
an official capacity.


No, thank you.

Ah, now what's on your mind,

Uh, Burns...

Late yesterday afternoon,

the Child Welfare Board

made a decision on your case.

Now, uh, the decision
they've reached is based on

three months
of a thorough study.

Our interview yesterday
was only a small part of that,

quite thorough.

I want you to understand,

that I am not responsible

for the decision
they've reached.

- Now look, Albert...
- Months of research

by the board and reports
by the Revere School

show a severe
domestic instability,

a libertine self-indulgence,

a whole range of circumstances
severely detrimental

to the child's welfare.

Hey, stop tap-dancing a second,

Now, what's going on?

Well, it is the board's decision
that you are unfit

to be the guardian
of your nephew

and that action be taken
this Friday

to remove him from this home

and the deprivation
you cause him.

Who writes your material
for you, Charles Dickens?

The board is prepared
to find a more stable,

permanent home for your nephew,

a family with whom he will live
a more wholesome, normal life.

Hey, listen, Albert, isn't there
some kind of a hearing?

Well, yes, you will have
the opportunity Thursday

to state your case to the board.

Now, if there is some
substantial change

in your circumstances,
if you can demonstrate

that you are a responsible
member of society...

Well, this is Tuesday, what
the hell am I supposed to do

in the next two days,
win the Nobel Peace Prize?

You were to be informed
by the court,

but in view of the confusion
which took place here yesterday,

for which I consider
myself responsible...

You know, you speak
like you write everything down

before you say it.

Well, yes, I do speak that way,
Mr. Burns.

I wish I spoke
more spontaneously.

I will always appear foolish
in a conversation

with a person
of your imagination.

Please, understand

there is no vengeance
in my activities here.

I love my work, Mr. Burns.

Now, I believe that you are
a danger to this child.

- Oh, now.
- Now, I wish this were not true,

because it is obvious
you have considerable affection

for your nephew.

It shows in your face,
this feeling.

Well, I admire you
for your warmth, Mr. Burns,

and for the affection
the child feels for you.

I admire this because
I am one for whom children

do not easily feel affection.

I am not one of the warm people.

But your feeling for the child
does not mollify

the genuinely dangerous,
emotional climate

you have made for him.

Now, I wish you could
understand this.

I would so much rather
you understood,

could really hear
what I have to say,

for yours is, I believe,

a distorted picture
of this world.

Then why don't you send me
to a foster home?

I was right, you really can't
listen to me.

You're so sure of your sight.

Your villains and heroes are
all so terribly clear to you.

And I am obviously
one of the villains.

Well, God save you
from your vision, Mr. Burns.



I'll bet you don't believe
I really do live

above an abandoned
Chinese restaurant, huh?

- Come on, I'll show it to you.
- Murray.

Don't be nervous, lady,
you're at an awkward stage,

- you're between closets.
- Murray, what Albert said

- about Nick...
- Now, look, Sandy, to tell you

the truth, it's even better
for me if he goes.

I mean, he's a middle-aged kid.

You know, when I signed
with the network that time,

he sat up all night figuring out
the fringe benefits

and the pension plan.

And he started to make lists
this year,

lists of everything!

Subway stops, underwear,

what he's gonna do next week.

I told him
if he doesn't watch out,

he's gonna start making lists
of what he's gonna do next year

and for the next ten years.


Suppose they put him in

with a whole family

of lists makers... no, no,
I didn't spend six years

with him so he'd turn into
a list maker.

He'll learn to know
everything before it happens.

He'll learn how to plan!

Learn how to be one
of the nice dead people.

- Are you listening to me?
- Of course, Murray, I told you...

Well, then stamp your foot
or mutter or something

so I'll know you're there,
will you?

I want to be sure he knows when
he's chickening out on himself.

I want him to get to know
the special thing he is,

or else he won't notice it
when it starts to go.

I want him to stay awake
and know who the phonies are!

I want him to know how to holler
and put up an argument.

I want a little guts to show
before I can let him go.

I want to be sure he sees
all the wild possibilities.

I want him to know
it's worth all the trouble

just to give the world
a little goosing

once you get the chance.

I want him to know the sneaky,

subtle, important reason

he was born a human being

and not a chair.

Hey, I, uh, brought you
all the way down here,

I didn't even show you
the restaurant.

Hey, the original Lum Fars
Oriental Paradise,

rear door.

It's a shame they closed it,
something to do with

not being recognized
by the United Nations.

Sandy, I don't want him to go!

I like having him around here.

What'll I do, Sandy?
Help me out.

You see...

I like when he reads me
from the want ads.

Don't worry, Murray,
we will do something.

I know the board,
their procedures,

there are things we can do.

What I'll do is I'll, uh...

I'll buy a new suit.

First thing is to get
a dignified suit.

If you could just get
some kind of job, Murray.

- Get your brother to help you.
- Yeah, right, right.

Is there something
you could get in a hurry?

Yeah, one of those summer suits
with the ready-made cuffs.

No... a job.

If you could just bring
some proof of employment

to the hearing, Murray,

show them how anxious
you are to change,

show them you want
to be reliable!



Sandy, we will put on a great
damn show for them,

spectacular reliability!

A reliability parade...
Bands, floats, banners,


Great, keep that laugh,
I'll need it later.

Hello, Margot? Murray.

Oh. Well, when Arnie comes in,

tell him I need a job
in a hurry, huh?

Yeah, tell him to set up
some appointments for lunch

and straight through
the afternoon, if he can.

Tell him the people
he mentioned this morning,

whoever can see me today
right away, okay?

Yeah, I'll call him back later.

All right, thanks, Margot, bye!

Hey, Sandy, I'm gonna buy
a new suit now.

Can I come with you?
I'd love to watch you buy one!

No, you better not,
Sandy, I gotta move fast.

- You wait for me upstairs, huh?
- Oh.

- Here's a key for ya.
- Thank you.

- Look, don't go away, huh?
- Oh, no, oh, Murray.

- Say, "Good luck."
- Good luck.

Say, "You are a magnificent
human being."

You are a magnificent
human being.

I thought you'd notice.


Oh, I know you must've been
going out of your mind,

and I'm sorry, Mom,
but I'm calling you now

to tell you some...
Some wonderful news.

Oh-ha, oh, it's a...

It's a really basic

I'm so... so in love with him,

and I'm so very happy!

Well, what do you mean,
what do I mean "happy"?

Um, well, I mean...

well, you know, uh, happy.

I got a great new
panel show package.

All ad lib, you'll be
the permanent member

on the panel, every afternoon
just talk, no sweat.

Great running bit
for you on the show.

- What's that?
- Honesty.

Absolute honesty.

The minute you come on,
the first thing that comes

to your cockamamie head.

Great TV.

You be you, a big nut.

Have you decided on
your luncheon order, sir?

Yes, I'll have a hamburger
and a flashlight.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Oh, you'll be nutsy crazy,

the audience will love you,

A big, lovable eccentric.

I'll put you on
just the way you are,

a natural phenomenon
like the Grand Canyon.

You'll have that crazy,
nutsy face

and that cockamamie talk.


Love... the audience
will love you, Murray.


Mother, now, there's nothing
for you to cry about.

Guts, guts!

See I told Arnie
I wanted to see you

because this new series is
going to need a guts attitude.

Courage kind of thing.

I woulda run from a writer
with your rep,

but uh, I'm a gambler, Burns.

Insecurity excited me.

Going for a big one this fall,

series will be really human,
you know, kind of thing,

sort of a... well, of our time!

Quality concepts,
area of Kafka, symbolism,

literate, Chekhovian
sort of thing.

We're calling it Homicide Squad.

Now, I'm just spitballing here,
you know,

I got a gut reaction,
but each week,

we ought to be able to get in
about ten minutes

of moral message, you know?

Race relations thing,
world peace thing,

understanding brings love thing,

love brings understanding...
Controversy a bit, you know,

tough, you know, but, uh, warm.

Uh-huh, mm-hm.

You walked out
of the restaurant, huh?

Sloan makes you an offer

and you walk out
of the restaurant.

- Murray...
- Arnie, I can't get over

this office,
the 22nd floor, whoa!

Ah, you can see everything!

Oh, for God's sake,
I don't believe it.

- What?
- It's King Kong,

he's sitting on top of
the Time-Life Building,

seems to be crying,
oh, poor gorilla bastard,

somebody should've told him
they don't make

these buildings
the way they used to.

Murray, Sloan didn't make you
such a bad offer...

Sloan is an idiot.

I've got news for you, cookie,
with your situation this week,

you're gonna need idiots,
now, you do not have the time...

Now, Arnie,
you shouldn't holler at me,

- I brought you a present!
- Murray!

And that other fella
you sent me to

with the TV series...
A killer, Arnie,

I saw notches
on his attaché case.

Murray, you've got
a rotten reputation.

Even these guys
weren't easy to grab.

Why do you have to build
your own personal blacklist?

Why can't you just get
blacklisted as a Communist,

like everybody else?

What did you do to him?

Or you just left him
standing there?

You just left him
standing there?

Arnie, Arnie, it was beautiful!

Oh, I would've loved
to have seen that,

it must've been great.

W... what, oh, wish to God

I didn't enjoy you so much.

I don't do you any damn good
at all, do I?

All right, come on, Murray,
no more fun and games

with Leo, do you understand?

He's absolutely all we have left
before the hearing Thursday.

Don't worry, Arn, I figured
I could always go back

with Chuckles the Chipmunk.

All right, Murray.

Margot, get me Leo Herman
on the speakerphone.

Well, Leo won't be so bad
for a while.

Oh, Murray, now,
not for a while.

You're gonna have
to stick with Chuckles.

Now, my agency lawyer
gave me all the facts.

The most the board
will allow you

is a probationary year
with Nick, a trial period,

and the board's investigators
are going to be

checking up on you every week,

Checking to see that
you still have your job,

checking with Leo
on your stability,

checking up on the improvements
in your home environment.

Sounds... sounds like
a parole board.

Yes, it certainly does.


you take it from your old buddy,

your old Chipper-munk, Chuckles.

If your get-up-and-go
has got up and left,

just one ten-cent bag
of these Crispy Chuckle Chips

will give you that

"barrel of monkeys boat is
never sunky" feeling again.

- What do you say, kids?
- Yay!

George, is that a "yay"?

What kind of a "yay" is that?

I ask for a "yay,"
you give me a death rattle.

Come on, look, if you're gonna
rehearse a "yay,"

rehearse a "yay."

Okay, let's have it again, kids.


Death. we're dying.

With that kind of a "yay,"
the show is dying.

That's why the show is dying,
the kids don't have

a "yay" attitude.

Dead-dying dead, death,
dying dead.

- Call for you, Mr. Herman.
- What is that?

It's a telephone,
Arnold Burns' office calling.

Great, wonderful, wonderful.

Hello, Arnie.
Here I am, here he is!

You got my voice coming out
of that speakerphone

in your office right,
am I coming through?

- Am I coming through there?
- Clearly, Leo.

- Murray's here.
- Murray, Murray,

the wonderful wild man!

Hey, kid-a-roonies, looks like
your old Uncle Murray's

coming back to write
some of those wonderful

script-a-roonies for us again.

What do you say, kids?


Murray, what did you do,
the job,

the hearing, what...

♪ Dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-bum ♪

♪ Dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-dum ♪

well, say, did you do all this?

Yeah, Nick, do you like it?

Well, I think it's superb.

I mean, imagine my surprise
when I saw it.

Murray went downtown
to see your Uncle Arnold,

- he's going to get a job!
- No kidding!

Hey, that's terrific,
that's just terrific!

See, lady, he was developing
into a bum.

I mean, you don't want to see
someone you like

developing into a bum
and doing nutty things.

You know what he does?

He hollers.

Like, we were on Park Avenue
last Sunday

and it's very early
in the morning,

there's no one in the streets,

just all these big,
quiet apartment houses,

and he hollers,
"Rich people, I want to see you

all out on the street
for volleyball,

let's snap it up!"

And, you know,
sometimes if we were in

a crowded elevator someplace,

he'll turn to me and he'll say,

"Max, there'll be no more
of this self-pity.

Now, you're 40.

It's time you got used
to being a midget."

And everybody stares.

He has a wonderful time.

What are you gonna do with
someone who hollers like that?

You know, last week in Macy's
he did that.

Well, if you want
to know the truth, lady,

that was pretty funny.

I think you're a very nice lady.

What do you think of me?

Oh, I think
you're very nice also.

You know, a very nice quality

you have is that
you're a good listener,

which is important to me
because of how much I talk.

Hey, you are laugher,
aren't you, lady?

- I guess so, Nick.
- Yeah.

Would you like some fruit?

We got lots of fruit.

Oh, no thank you, Nick.

If you'd like to call
your mother or someone,

please feel free
to use the telephone.

Or my desk, if you want
to read a book or something.

Or any of the chairs.

Oh, I will, thank you, Nick.


Well, you gonna be

staying around here for a while?

I might, yes, yes.


Well, good luck to you, lady.

Murray, what a nice
suit you've bought!

Hi, how is everything?

Which job did you get?

Uh... still going good, Violet?

Oh, marvelous.

- She's in the third month.
- Oh, pregnant?

- No, unemployment insurance.
- Don't keep me in suspense,

which job did you get?

I shall now leave you breathless

with the strange
and wondrous tale

of this sturdy lad's adventures
today in downtown Oz.

Now, picture, if you will, me.

I am walking on East 51st Street
about an hour ago,

practicing how
to say "I am sorry"

with a little style.

- Sorry for what?
- Oh, for anything,

just rehearsing...
Well, you know how it is

when you're walking down
the street talking to yourself

how suddenly you say
something out loud?

So I said, "I'm sorry,"
and this fella coming by,

a complete stranger,
he looks up a second

and he says,
"That's all right, Mac,"

and he goes right on.

He automatically forgave me,
I communicated.

Now, five o'clock rush hour
in midtown you could say,

"Sir, I believe
your hair is on fire,"

and they wouldn't
even hear you, so...

I decided to test the whole
thing out scientifically.

I just stood there on the corner
of 51st and Lex

saying "I'm sorry"
to everybody that came by.

"I am so sorry, sir...
I'm terribly sorry, madam.

Say there, miss, I'm sorry."

Of course I got
a few funny looks,

but I swear, Sandy,

75 percent of 'em forgave me.

Something had happened
to all them for which they felt

somebody should apologize.

It was fabulous, I had tapped
some vast reservoir.

I just said "I'm sorry"

and they were all
so generous, so kind.

- Murray...
- Yeah, Sandy,

I could run up on the roof
right now and holler "I'm sorry"

and a half a million people
would holler back,

"That's okay, just see
you don't do it again!"

Murray, you didn't
take any of the jobs.

Sandy, I, uh...

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

Well, dammit, lady,
that was a beautiful apology.

I mean, you gotta love a guy
who can apologize so nice.

I rehearsed it for over an hour.

Aw, Sandy.

That's the most
you should expect from life.

A really good apology

for all the things
you won't get.

Oh, Murray, I don't understand.

What happens to Nick,
what about the welfare board?

- Well, Sandy...
- Murray, if you didn't like

the jobs here
your brother found for you,

- then take any job.
- Sandy, it isn't the job.

Well, I have had no effect
on you at all.

I've made no difference.

Sandy, you are
a cute, jolly lady.

Sandy, hey...

There's a great
sailing tomorrow.

The embarkation of the season...

53rd Street dock at 1:00,

the Montana Maru,
Pearl of the Atlantic.

Bound for Europe, Khorramshahr,

Sumatra and Beirut
and points east.

We'll stand on the dock
and watch it go.

Oh, gives you
the genuine feeling

of a beginning, I think.

Hey, bon voyage, Charlie,

have a wonderful time!

I can see why
Nick liked it here.

I would like it too,
if I was 12 years old.

Hey, stick with me,
Dr. Markowitz,

you know, anything can happen

above an abandoned
Chinese restaurant.

Oh, there are so many
really attractive things

that you can do
with a one-room apartment,

if you're willing
to use your imagination.

Bye, Murray.

You forgot your files!

Hey, dammit,
you forgot your files.

I've been attacked
by the Ladies' Home Journal.

Place has
an unusual quality now,

kind of fun Gothic.

Where's my eagle?

Well, what have we got here,
Sunnybrook Farm?


Everybody on stage for
the Hawaiian number, please!

- Hey...
- Okay.

Takes me an hour
to get insulted,

now I'm insulted.

You walked out of my office.

That wasn't a nice thing
to do to me, Murray.

I mean, you come to my office
today like George God,

everybody's supposed
to come up and audition

for human being in front of you.

I called Leo back, I apologized,
I told him the phone broke down.

Everything is going to be fine.

Arnie, you said I insulted you.

Well, dammit, get angry!

Come on, raise your voice,
at least your eyebrows!

Please, please,
have an argument with me.

Murray, you're just
getting excited, that's all.

Now, look, I've got Leo
to come over,

he's gonna see you tonight,
everything is gonna

turn out fine, you'll see.

- Arnie, will you forget that?
- Just fine!

- Will you forget it?
- Look, if...

If you love Nick

or whoever it is
he's calling himself this week,

you have got to take any kind
of a stupid job to keep him.

Now, I even thought maybe
Shirley and me would take him,

but you know, our three kids,
she'd go crazy.

Aw, don't worry, Arnie.

This welfare crowd,
they know what they're doing.

They'll put Nick
with a good family.


Murray, I finally
figured out your problem.

There is only one thing
that really bothers you...

Other people.

The enemy.

Watch out, Murray,
they're everywhere.

Go ahead, Arnold,
give me advice.

At 30,000 a year,
you can afford it.

Oh, I get it, if I'm so smart,
why ain't I poor?

Well, you better get
a damn good act of your own,

buddy, before you start
giving mine the raspberry.

What's this game
you play gonna be like

in ten years without youth?

Murray, I can't watch this...
You've gotta shape up.

- Shape up?
- That's right, shape up.

Arnie, what the hell
happened to you?

You got so old,
I don't know you anymore.

Who is it?

When you quit Harry the Fur King
on 28th Street, remember?

- That's 20 years ago, Murray.
- Ah...

Harry said you weren't behaving

maturely enough for a salesman.

Your clothes didn't match
or something,

so the next day
you dressed perfectly.

Homburg, gray suit, cufflinks,

carrying a briefcase
and a rolled umbrella,

and you came into Harry's office
on roller skates!

Where did they go, Arnie?

What happened
to your roller skates?

Well, I don't do
practical jokes anymore,

- if that's what you mean.
- Practical, that's right.

A way to stay alive.

Gee, if most things
aren't funny, Arn,

then they're only
exactly what they are.

Then it's just one
long dental appointment

interrupted occasionally
by something exciting

like waiting or falling asleep.

What's the point
if I leave things

just the way I find 'em?

Then I'm just
adding to the noise,

I'm just taking up
some more room on the subway.

Murray, the welfare board
has these specifications.

All you have to do
is to make up your mind...

- Arnie, you don't...
- Murray, I...

...understand anymore.

You've got that wide stare
that people stick in their eyes

so nobody'll know
their head's asleep.

Gee... to be a moaner, a shuffler.

You want me to come,
sit and eat fruit with you

and watch the clock run out.

You start to drag and stumble
under the rotten weight

of all the people
who shoulda been told off.

All of the things
you should have said,

all the specifications

that aren't yours.

You know, the only thing
you got left to reject

is your food in a restaurant
if they do it wrong,

you can send it back and make
a big fuss with the waiter.

Five months ago, I was
on a subway on my way to work.

I was sitting on an express,
same as every morning,

looking out the window,

watching the local stops
go by in the dark

with an empty head
and my arms folded.

Not feeling great,
not feeling rotten.

Just not feeling.

And for a minute
I couldn't remember,

I didn't know unless

I really concentrated

whether it was a Tuesday

or a Thursday or...

For a minute,

it could have been any day, Arn.

I gotta know what day it is.

I gotta know what's
the name of the game,

and what the rules are
without anyone else telling me.

You gotta own your own days
and name 'em.

Each one of 'em,
every one of 'em.

Or else the years go right by

and none of them belong to you.

And that ain't just
for weekends, kiddo.

Well, here it is,

the day after
Irving R. Feldman's birthday

and I never even
congratulated him.



Well, what's so funny?

I scared myself.

Murray, I've long been aware...

I've long been aware that
you don't respect me so much.

Ah, I suppose there
are a lot of brothers

who don't get along, but...

in reference to us

and considering the factors,

sounds like a contract,
doesn't it.

Unfortunately for you, Murray,
you wanna be a hero.

If maybe a fella falls into
the lake you can jump in

and save him, there's still
that kind of stuff.

But who gets opportunities
like that in Midtown Manhattan

with all that traffic?

I'm willing to deal
with the available world,

I don't choose to shake it up
but to live with it.

There's the people
who spill things

and there's the people
who get spilled on,

and I don't choose
to notice the stains.

I have a wife, I have children,

and business,
like they say, is business.

I'm not an exceptional man,
so it's possible for me

to stay with things
the way they are.

I'm lucky. I'm gifted.

I have a talent for surrender,
and I'm at peace.

But you?

Oh, you're cursed.

And I like you, Murray.

So it makes me sad.

You don't have the gift
and I can see the torture of it.

All I can do is worry for you,

but I will not worry for myself.

You can't convince me
that I'm one of the bad guys.

I get up, I go, I lie a little,

I peddle a little,
I watch the rules,

I talk the talk.

We fellows have those offices
high up there

so that we can catch the wind
and go with it however it blows.

But, and I'm not
gonna apologize for it...

I take pride.

I am the best possible
Arnold Burns.

Give my regards
to Irving R. Feldman, will you?

- Hey, Arnie...
- Murray, please allow me,

once, to leave
a room before you do.

Hey, Murray, watch it!

Yeah, it's okay now.

- Hey, that's great, Murray.
- Hiya, Nick.

You don't give it enough play,
it goes into a dive.

Let's go downstairs.

- Murray.
- I wanna talk to you.

This afternoon in school,
I made a decision.

Right in the middle
of creative geography class,

I decided that since
you were getting a job today,

then I made up my mind
it was time for me

also to finish a certain matter
which I've been putting off.

See, for the past
couple of months

I've been considering
different names,

'cause in four weeks
I am gonna be 13

and I've gotta pick my permanent
first name like you said.

You should just go on
calling yourself Nick,

you've been using
that one the longest.

Well, Nick is a name
for a short person.

Since I'm a short person,
I don't believe

I should put
a lot of attention on it.

What do you mean, where'd you
get the idea you were short?

From people who
are taller than I am.

That is ridiculous.

Sure, up there it's ridiculous.

But from down here where I am,
it's not so ridiculous.

You know, half the girls
in my class are taller than me.

'Specially Susan Bookwalter.

Nick, you happen to be

a nice medium height
for your age.

So how is it everybody
crouches over when I'm around?

Because you're a kid.

Look, you come from
a fairly tall family,

next couple years,
you're gonna grow like crazy.

Really, every day
you're getting bigger.

But so is Susan Bookwalter.

So, for a couple of months,

I've been considering
various tall names.

Then I though about
just picking any name,

putting "Captain"
in front of it,

sort of jack it up a little.

But I really didn't
like that, either.

But then...

last week I finally
am really decided,

and I took out
a new library card

to see how it looks.

And today, I figured I'd make
it definite and official.

That's my library card.

Well, no, that's
the whole thing, it's mine.

Well, this says
"Murray Burns" on it.

Well, yeah, that's
the name that I picked.

So I took out a new card
to see how it looks

and make it official.

Hey, Murray, baby, don't jump.

Hey, fella, don't jump,
I'll meet ya inside.

Hey, it's Mr. Herman.

Oh, that's the job
you took, huh?


Hey, Ma!

There he is,
there's the old monkey,

- there's the old joker.
- There he is, lay off it.

There he is,
there's the little guy.

Look at him, little guy.

I got a Chuckle statue for you.

Well, thank you, Mr. Herman.

Imagine how pleased
I am to receive it.

It's a very artistic statue,
and very good cardboard, too.

And I got a Chuckle cap for you,

just like
the old chipmunk wears.

- Thank you.
- Oop.

Thank you.

You're wearing
the Chuckle's hat,

you gotta say
the Chuckle's hello.

The what?


Oh, yeah, sure.


May I know your first name?

It's Nick most of the time.

Most of the time?

Look what I got here,
two big bags

of Chuckle Chip
potato chips, eh?

Nicky, you wanna put
these crispy chips

in a bowl or something for us?

- Okay.
- Yeah, and take your time,

Nick, 'cause your uncle
and me got some...

We got some grown-up
talking to do, okay...

The kid hates me.

I didn't go over
very well with him,

I pushed a little too hard.

- Nice kid, Murray.
- Yeah, how are your kids, Leo?

Fine, fine, but I swear to God,
even they don't like

my show since
you stopped writing it.

My youngest one,
my six-year-old...

- Ralphie.
- Ralphie,

watches the Funny Bunny show
every morning now instead of me.

Oh, have I been bombing out
on the show every morning.

You know what it feels like
to bomb out

in front of children...
You flop out in front of kids,

Murray, I swear to God,
they're ready to kill ya.

Or else they stare at you,
that's the worst.

That hurt, innocent little stare
like you just killed their pup

or ate their turtle
or something, Murray...

Have you back with me
at the studio,

see you at the show tomorrow,
it's gonna be beautiful,

- you're the best.
- I appreciate

- your feeling that way, Leo.
- This afternoon,

on the phone,
you walked out on me.

- Yeah, Leo, I'm sorry.
- Why, why do you do this to me?

- No, I was only kidding.
- Don't tell me,

I know I make people nervous,

who can listen to me
for ten minutes, right?

You see that, you see that?

See how I kept touching
my suit, my tie like that?

I keep touching myself
to make sure I'm still here.

I get this feeling maybe I
vanished when I wasn't looking.

No, I'm sure
that you're here, Leo.

See how he talks to me,
a little nasty? I like it.

It's straight,
it's real, I like it.

You know what I got
around me on the show?

Finks, dwarfs,
phonies, and frogs.

No Murrays, the show is boring.

Boring, boring, boring,
boredom, bore, boring,

boring, boring, boring,
boring, boredom, bore!

- Murray?
- Boring, boredom, bore!

Boring, boring, boring.

I believe that
I left my files here.

I came to get my files.

May I have my files, please?

Oh, excuse me.

Uh, Chuckles the Chipmunk,
this is Minnie Mouse.

Hiya, Minnie.

You must be Mr. Herman?

I must be, I must be him.

Well, I'll be on my way.

That's a very attractive girl,
that Minnie.

What does she do?

She's my decorator.

She's done a wonderful job.

The place is great, Murray,

it's loose, it's open,
it's free, I love it.

A wonderful, crazy place.

My God.

You must make out like mad
in a place like this, huh?


How is it I never
came here before?

You were here last January, Leo.

You work with me
for three years,

I never saw your apartment.

You were here last January, Leo.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wasn't I here recently,
in the winter?

Last January, I think.

I remember, I came here
to get you back on the show

and you wouldn't listen to me.

It was a week after you quit...

You walked into the kitchen
and started singing

"Yes Sir, That's My Baby,"

and I left,
feeling very foolish,

like I had footprints
on my face.

You monkey, you're a monkey.

You're an old monkey,
aren't you, huh?

Walked in the kitchen
and starting singing,

"Yes Sir, That's My Baby."

You know what I got
from that experience?

A rash, I broke out
something terrible.

Minnie Mouse.

Minnie Mouse!

You told me her name
was Minnie Mouse!

I swear to God now,
I think my mission in life

is to feed you straight lines.

It's a kind of
a fallout shelter,

that's what you got here, Mur.

Protection against the idiots
in the atmosphere,

it's free, it's free,
free, free, free,

freedom, free,
another year and I'll...

Another year and I'll cut loose
of my chipmunk show.

Binds me, hugs me up,

finks, dwarfs,
phonies, and frogs.

Now the two of us,
we gotta do something new,

something wild, a new kind
of kid's show for adults, maybe.

You told me the same thing
three years ago, Leo.

All right,
what do you want from me?

I'm a coward,
everybody knows... oh my God.

Did you ever see
anything so immodest?

I bring a big statue of myself
as a gift for a child, huh?

The pure ego of it?

I'm ashamed, Murray, please.

Throw a sheet over it
or something, will you, please?

Yum-yum-yum-yum-yummy, oh,

yum-yum-yum-yum-yum, good.

Oh, gosh, kid-a-roonies, look
at your poor chipmunk friend,

he got his mouth stuck!

Oh ho, no matter how hard I try,

I can't get my mouth unstuck.

But maybe if you Chippermunks
yell, "Be happy, Chuckles,"

maybe then it'll get unstuck.

You're supposed to yell,
"Be happy, Chuckles."

Oh, yeah, sure.

Be happy, Chuckles.

All right, you fixed me!

I'm all fixed!

- Yeah.
- Would you like

your potato chips now,
Mr. Herman?

That's a bit from
tomorrow morning's show.

And you're gonna know it
before all the kids

in the neighborhood.

Thank you.

That's one
of the funny parts there

where I couldn't move my mouth.

Oh, oh yeah?

You think it was funny?

Sure, that was pretty funny.

Yeah, don't you laugh

or something
when you see something funny?

Yeah, it just caught me
by surprise is all,

I didn't get a chance.

Don't you want
more potato chips, mister?

Another funny part
was where I jumped up there

with a smile there,
at the end there.

Was another one.

Then the finishing bit,
I got the smile, see,

now I'm all fixed, huh?

Now I'm all fixed, he-he-he-he...

Oh, now it's stuck
the other way!

Well gee, that's terrific,
Mr. Herman.

That's all you gotta do,
just get up there and do that

and they pay you and everything.

You didn't laugh.

I was waiting
for the funny part.

That was the funny part.

- You mean when you fell on...
- Yeah, like on the floor there!

- Well, you see the thing is...
- Yeah, I know,

you were waiting
for the funny part.

Well, here, you missed
another funny part.

Another one,
I'm very sorry, Mr. Herman...

Forget it!

I happen to know that
the bit is very funny.

Here, I can prove it to you.

What does it say right there?

Second line there.

"Frown bit:
85 percent of audience,

outright prolonged laughter
on frown bit."

That's an analysis report
the agency did for me

on Monday's preview audience.

The routine I just did
for you got outright

prolonged laughter, 85 percent.

Monday, three o'clock.

You try him on sad parts, Leo,
he's very good on sad parts.

As a matter of fact,
there's a poignant type bit

I did at the preview theater.

Sixty percent of audience
noticeably moved.

- They left the theater?
- There he is,

there's the old joker, right?

Murray the joker.

Well, say, I can do
some routines, too.

I can imitate the voice
of Alexander Hamilton.

- Good.
- I do Alexander Hamilton,

and Murray does
a terrific Thomas Jefferson.

We got the voices just right.

- Hello, Alex, how are you?
- Say, hello, Tom, you know,

you should have been
in Congress today.

- Yeah.
- You really missed...

Now this is ridiculous.

You can't do an imitation
of Alexander Hamilton,

nobody knows
what he sounds like.

Well, that's the funny part.

You missed the funny part, Leo.

I'm getting a terrible rash
on my neck.

I was working good
in front of the kid,

the routine I did
for him was funny.

I don't go over
with these odd kids.

Look at him, here I am,
right in front of him,

in person, for God's sake,
he's staring at me.

Oddness here, Murray, oddness.

Alexander Hamilton imitations,
jaded jokes for old men.

What you've done
to the kid is a shame,

it's a shame,
it's a shame the way

you brought the kid up here.

Grotesque atmosphere
and unhealthy.

Women in and out, decorators.

Had he been brought up
by a normal person,

- not in this madhouse...
- Hey, don't say that!

It's a certain freakish
kind of growing up,

freakish way of growing up.

Hey, are you calling me a freak?

You called me a freak,
now you take back what you said.

On June the 3rd,
I'll be 42 years old,

I'm standing here arguing
with a 12-year-old kid.


Humor is a cloudy
wonderland thing.

But simple and clear
as the blue, blue sky.

All I want is your simple honest
child's opinion of my routine,

but children are
too honest to be wise.

Well, my simple,
child reaction of what you did

is that you are not funny.

Funnier than you
is even Stuart Schlossman,

who is my friend and is 11

and puts walnuts in his mouth
and makes noises.

What's not funny
is to call us names.

And what is mostly not funny
is how sad you are,

and I'd feel sorry for you

if it wasn't
for how dull you are.

And those are
the worst-tasting potato chips

I've ever tasted,
and that's my opinion

from the blue, blue sky.

There he is,
there's the old monkey.

There's the old joker, right?

You didn't want to come back
to work for me,

you got me up here
to step on my face again!

Now, wait, Leo...

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby... ♪

That's the song,
that's the goodbye song.

Hey, hey, Leo, wait a minute.

Thanks for nothing,
you're raving.

Now look, wait a minute,
will you, I'm sorry.

♪ We won't have it, yes, sir ♪

- You better cut that out.
- Come on, Murray, take your uke,

we'll sing to him,
he'll go away.

No Nick, they can't,
now just come on, put it down.

Let him go away,
he called us names.

Will you be quiet
for just a minute?

Oh, Murray,
let him go away, please!

- Crummy and bad, you actor.
- Hey, Nick, cut it out.

Wait... he can't push us around,
not you and me, Murray,

we gotta get rid of him,
we gotta, please,

- please, we gotta.
- We can't, we can't.

Aww, kid, I'm sorry.

Sorry, kid.

I'm sorry.

Look, uh...

better go to your room.

This is one-room apartment.

Okay, then go to your alcove.

Hey, Leo, I hope you
didn't misunderstand,

- you know, we were only kidding.
- I myself...

I got carried away myself.

Yeah, well we all got
a little excited, I guess.

So, I'll see you at work
in the morning, Leo.

Great to have you back,
fella, you both hate me.

- Ah, now nobody hates you, Leo.
- I yelled at the kid, I'm sorry,

I didn't mean
to cause any upset.

I don't get along
too good with kids.

Well, don't worry about it.

- Wanna come have a drink...
- Ah, no, no, not tonight.

Some other night, huh, Leo?

Yeah look... after I leave,

you horse around with the kid
a little bit, he'll feel better.

- Right, Leo.
- That bit I did for him

was funny, wasn't it, Murray?

Yeah, Leo, I guess it was
just a bad day for you.

Bad day for the old chipmunk.

You don't want to leave
that statue lying

on the floor like that, Murray.

No, Leo, no.

See you at the studio
in the morning, you old monkey.

You're an old monkey, aren't ya?

Hey, I could use
a pastrami sandwich

right now, couldn't you?

On rye, with coleslaw
and Russian dressing?


Guy calls us names.

Guy talks to us like that.

Shoulda got rid of that moron.

We coulda fooled
the welfare people or something.

Coulda moved to Mexico,

New Jersey, someplace.

I hear the delicatessen
in Mexico is terrible.

I'm gonna call myself Theodore.

Okay, long as you don't

call yourself Beatrice.

All right, fool around.

Wait till you see a Theodore
running around here.

Now just wait.

Another couple of seconds,
he woulda been out the door.


Why'd you let him
push us around?

Why'd you go chicken on me, huh?

Because your routines give me

outright, prolonged
laughter, Theodore.

$4.95 for a new tablecloth

and you leave it
around like this.

Perfectly new tablecloth
and already there's

dust all over it.

You know, it's very interesting
that I left my files here.

That I forget them,
I mean, psychologically,

if you want to analyze that.

'Course, last month I left
my handbag in the automat,

I have no idea
what that means at all.

I think that the pattern
of our relationship,

if we examine it,
is very intricate.

The different areas of it,

especially the whole
goodbye area of it.

Hello, Sandy, how are you?

Hello, Murray.

I called
the weather lady before.

She says it is a beautiful day.

Say, lady, can I help
with any of that?

As a matter of fact, Nick...

Nick, I do not think the effect,

I mean, the overall design
of this room

is really helped
by all these knickknacks.

- You mean the junk?
- Yes.

Yeah, well, it's not good
for the overall design.

So, Nick, if you would
just help me put the junk

into those cartons over there.




Wilbur Malcolm Burns.


The entertainment committee
was quite disappointed

in the really poor turnout

at this morning's
community sing.

I mean, where's all that old
Camp Chickowatomee spirit?

I'm sure I speak for all of us
here when I say that I...

And I'd like to say
right now that...


Campers, I can't think

of anything to say.