A Reunion (2014) - full transcript
Two estranged friends travel across the country to attend their college reunion and face their complicated past along the road.
[door closes]
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Michael: I've never seen
someone actually become a
party monster in
front of my eyes.
Josh: Ok, c'mon.
Michael: You were like, in the
dictionary it would be your
face next to party
monster and mess.
Josh: Ok, ok.
Michael: I mean it
was pretty bad Josh,
I'd never seen someone pull out
their dick at a party before.
You're like slapping it
from cheek to cheek.like Kids.
Josh: Oh right,
it was not hard.
Michael: Well it wasn't hard,
but it was certainly long and
noticeable...you're a dick.
Josh: Good times.
Michael: Nah, I
was rock bottom;
I was terrible.
Josh: It was college.
Michael: Yeah, it was like
seriously like the worst
night, not even joking.
Get that smile off your
face, you disgust me.
Josh: Ok man.
Michael: Nice house.
Josh: I know, right?
Michael: Yeah,
how'd you get this?
Josh: It's my boss's
place he let's me stay here
from time to time.
Michael: Yeah?
Your boss, huh?
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah?
Yeah...he's just
letting you stay here?
Josh: It's my job Michael.
Michael: Yeah?
For free?
Josh: Do you mind getting
the first leg in the morning?
Michael: What, I
mean, is that drive?
Josh: Have you forgotten
the English language?
Michael: Ok, last I
checked leg and drive were not
synonymous with each other.
No, I mean like, I mostly
remember everything from the
English language, but you know
if you don't use it you lose
it, so I've forgotten
a lot of vocabulary.
I teach baby English all day .
I'm mostly, mostly, mostly
mostly good up to five years
ago though,
colloquially speaking.
Josh: Ok...so you'll drive.
Michael: Hmm, um,
yeah, hmm, hmm,
I got a tattoo.
Josh: You did?
Michael: I got a tattoo.
I did.
Josh: Where?
Michael: Guess.
It's the most typical
spot a white person like
me would get a tattoo.
Josh: On your butt.
Michael: What,
uh, no, I uh no,
here, here weirdo.
Here, look at that.
It's a, there it is.
Josh: Wow.
Michael: Yeah.
Do you know what it means?
Josh: No idea.
Michael: Yeah,
can't read Japanese.
It means like
laughter or smile.
In Japanese we say waro.
Josh: Waro.
Michael: Waro,
yeah that wasn't bad.
I get sick of those guys
that get kangi all over their
bodies and they
can't even read it.
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah, I can read it.
Touch it, you can
touch it if you want...
It's bumpy right.
Josh: It is bumpy.
Michael: Yeah.
It's real, it's real.
It's supposed to be bumpy.
Josh: Hmm.
Michael: Do you have any?
Josh: No, I'm, I'm
open to it, I just,
I haven't felt that strongly
about anything yet I guess.
Michael: Hmm, um, yeah, hmm,
yeah about driving like um.
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah,
no, no, I, I can't,
it's not gonna happen.
Josh: What do you
mean you can't,
you, you said you
would help drive.
Michael: When we
talked before I,
I assumed that I already had
auto insurance, but I don't.
Josh: Michael, why didn't
you just fly to Chicago?
Michael: You're not in
Chicago, you're in LA.
Josh: Yeah, but the drive
is really long Michael.
Michael: It is, it is.
Josh: This, this whole
reunion was your idea.
Michael: You want to go,
like you want to catch up.
Josh: I...what
if we didn't go?
Michael: No.
Josh: Think about it.
Michael: Um, ok first of all,
who's gonna pay for my ticket
to Chicago, cause I gotta go
straight from there to Japan.
Josh: Ah.
Michael: Second of all,
I already made plans.
Josh: Along where?
Michael: Uh, so if this is Los
Angeles and this is chitown.
Josh: Uh huh.
Michael: Instead of doing the
straight line we'd be doing a
happy little horse shoe.
See that happy face?
That's you and me, happy face.
josh: Ok, what
are we going to do?
Michael: Who are
we going to do?
Josh: Ok, who are we seeing?
Michael: Oh, the
person we are seeing is
very excited to see us.
Um, with their
significant other,
we haven't met them yet.
And, I don't know we
have a dinner set up,
it's gonna be great.
Josh: I don't know.
Michael: I will pay
for the detour gas.
Josh: Oh, you'll pay
for the detour gas.
Michael: I will
pay for the detour,
I will pay for all of the
gas if you just shut
the fuck up for a little bit.
Josh: I'm not going.
Michael: No, you are going.
Josh: No.
Michael: No, you
always do this shit,
I hate it ok.
You're going, we are
gonna go together.
Eh, eh, eh.
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Josh: Eric is working
on a second degree.
Yeah he's studying business,
so good luck with that.
Michael: Oh, he's
gonna burn that down.
Uh, how bout Ameila?
Josh: She's still in Italy.
Michael: Lisa.
Josh: She's um, I
think she's good,
I know she got married.
I didn't make it
to the wedding,
but I got invited.
Michael: My God, I'd love to
see Lisa again, wouldn't you?
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: It's weird,
like, I thought
everything would be the same.
It's like when you're
having a conversation and then
you go inside of a store,
and the conversation
you had outside like stops.
And then you go outside again
and the conversation resumes.
Like, do you know
what I'm talking about?
Josh: Yeah.
Michael : Yeah.
Josh: It's like
a time capsule.
Michael: Yeah, yeah,
like a, like a perfectly
preserved time capsule.
Josh: Hmm-mm.
Michael: Like, like us.
Josh: Wonder what this reunion
is really gonna be like.
Michael: I don't know.
Are you seeing anyone?
Josh: I am seeing a
few people, yeah.
Michael: Anything serious?
Josh: Well their not in the
car with us now are they?
Michael: I forget
that at most reunions,
like people bring
their significant others.
Eh, eh, eh.
Josh: Right.
So what about you?
Michael: Oh, you know, like I'm
always looking for something.
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Michael: Do you
like Las Vegas?
I do like Las Vegas.
Do you like Las Vegas?
There's shit stains
all over the bed.
Josh: Ugh.
Michael: Ugh.
Josh and Michael: Aaargghhh.
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Michael: Josh, it's like
7:00 p.m. It's like 6:30,
it's like 6. It's
like 5, wake up.
Josh, Josh wake up.
We just got here.
You will wake up mister.
You will wake up.
I see my dick in the
mirror Josh, I see it.
Swingin.
Uh, Josh,
somebody stole my pants.
What are we
gonna do about this?
Eh?
What are we going
to do about this?
Did you take my pants?
Josh, somebody
stole my pants, what
are we gonna do about this?
Hey, you have my
fuckin pants don't you.
Where the fuck
are my pants Josh?
C'mon, Josh.
Um, what would you seriously
do if somebody came right into
this room right now and took
those right off of you and
chucked them out the window.
Or ate them.
What if they, they
took the pants and then
physically like ate them.
What would you seriously do?
Josh: You're getting hard.
Michael: Josh, wake up.
It's check-out time.
Wake up.
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Josh: I feel like shit.
Michael: Yep.
Need some air man, pull over.
Josh: Nah.
Michael: Ok.
Uh, um.
Alright, let's play a game.
Josh: No.
Michael: Josh, like it's
gonna pass the time
a lot better than this.
Questions only, you may
not use sentences, go.
Josh: Why are you so peppy?
Michael: Wasn't
last night fun?
Josh: Isn't it kinda frustrating
that you can't drive?
Michael: Do you want
me to drive for awhile?
Josh: You don't
have insurance.
Michael: Was that a question?
Josh: You know Michael, I'm
driving on your itinerary and
I don't understand why we're not
just going straight to Chicago.
Michael : Alright, well.
I'd rather Josh was into
the element of surprise.
But I could tell you
we're gonna stop in Missouri.
Does that help you?
Does that make
you more relaxed?
Josh: We're gonna
see your brother?
Michael: Yeah, that's not
that far out of the way.
Josh: Ok, you know it's
fine, it's cool to see them,
I don't mind its just
it's annoying when
you keep secrets that's all.
What?
Michael: Remind me again
about that DUI you had.
Josh: That's a completely
different situation.
Michael: No, no, who
was in the car with you?
Josh: You were.
Michael: And who forget to tell
me that they had been drinking.
Josh: Me.
Michael: I made sure
your car wasn't impounded.
I drove it home, I parked it.
Josh: You bailed me out.
Michael: I bailed you out.
Thank God I got
the money back.
Had to drive all the way
to downtown Chicago
to pull you out of that tank.
Josh: Ok, you were a big help.
Michael: Yeah, I was a
big help that night.
If you hadn't been so
Goddamn secretive
like I would have driven.
Jeez Josh like you need to
relax a little bit more.
Like I think I'm
entitled to some secrets,
they're positive ones, like
it's not like I'm withholding
the fact that I was drinking.
I just want to take you
a few surprise places,
what's wrong with that.
Nothing.
Josh: You're probably right.
Michael: I know I'm right.
Of course I'm right.
I'm always right.
I mean I'm basically guiding
you towards a better version
of the time than you would be
having if you'd stayed at home.
Josh: Yeah, at home I'd
probably just be watching TV.
Michael: No, no you'd be
masturbating to soap operas.
Josh: Ok, I think I'd be
watching something a little
classier than a soap opera.
Michael: Oh, like you'd be
jerking off to Europa, Europa.
Josh: Cabaret.
Michael: Ooh, who would you
rather fuck Liza Minelli or
Gene Kelly, like
in their hey day.
Josh: Which films?
Michael: Well Cabaret and
like Singing in the Rain.
Josh: Gene, by a mile.
Michael: No, Liza you fool.
Liza.
Prince or the artist
formerly known as Prince.
Josh: Still Prince.
Michael: Yeah, I think
Prince would be good.
No, the Artist
formerly known as.
Seriously can we pull over.
Thanks.
Josh: I'm glad
we're doing this.
Josh: You feeling ok?
Michael: Yeah.
Michael: Work.
(Speaking Japanese).
Josh: Michael, Mike,
Michael, Michael,
what are you
doing with my phone?
Michael: Who's this dude?
Josh: It's my boss.
Anyway, will you
sit on my back?
Michael: Alright,
for like a minute.
Josh: Ok please it
just really hurts.
Further up on my back.
Further, further up.
Like more towards
the middle of my back.
A little further.
That's good, that's better.
Can you do like a
back and forth motion?
No, the other,
like towards my head.
Up and down.
Yeah, like that.
Yes.
Michael: Your
minute is almost up.
Josh: Oh, that feels good.
Michael: Yep, that's a minute.
Josh: I felt old for
the first time this week.
Michael: What did you like
come a puff of smoke
when you were jerking off.
Josh: Yeah, yeah that's
exactly what happened.
Michael: That's why
your face is so ashy.
Josh: No, my uh, my colleague's
son came to work who's 17.
And he told me
all about his Mom,
my colleague's wife,
how she grows weed.
Michael: Do you smoke pot?
Josh: No.
Michael: I could
smoke right now.
Josh: Anyway,
he's uh you know,
he's telling me about his
Mom and showing me his profile
that has all of her stuff.
Michael: Online?
Josh: Yeah, exactly.
It feels like he's
trying to sell me this weed.
And it's awkward, you know
it's my colleague's son,
so I'm doing anything
to change the subject.
So I talk to
him, I'm like hey,
you know it must be really tough
being a teenager these days.
You know with all the social
media and these teachers are
patrolling your
twitter accounts.
The gossip in the hallways
with all the students,
you know what I mean.
I'm going on and on for
like a minute or so and
he is just staring at me.
Michael: Show me the look.
Josh: It's like um.
Michael: Yeah, I
know that look.
Josh: You know what I mean.
It's the look that every
teenager has when their stuck
in a conversation
with a grandfather.
Completely
different generations.
Michael: Yeah, we're in
that category of people.
Josh: Yeah.
Exactly.
We can't go to the 20
year old parties anymore.
Michael: No, we'd be the
creepy guys in the corner.
Like with the red cups.
Everyone says like
what are they doing here?
Who's Dad is that?
Josh: At least
we'd have each other.
Michael: Yeah.
Michael : (Singing Japanese).
Michael : (Singing Japanese).
Michael: You
could sing a song,
I don't give a fuck.
Josh: Why don't
you sing something
that we could all sing?
What the hell are you singing?
Fuji mountain what?
Michael: When I become a first
grader I want to go to the top
of Mount Fuji and eat onagiri
with 100 of my friends.
Josh: Do you know
how to turn on the.
Michael: What, ah the defrost.
Josh: It's
getting fogged, yes.
Michael: Yeah, yes, it's fine.
Michael: Is that it?
Josh: I can't tell yet.
I think it's helping.
Michael: You're welcome.
Can I sing again?
Do you want to
learn how to sing it?
Josh: Ok, I will
learn how to sing it.
Michael and Josh:
(Japanese singing).
Michael and Josh:
(Japanese singing).
Michael: See we're
parting the clouds.
Michael and Josh:
(Japanese singing).
Michael: I'm hungry.
Michael: Have you
ever done, like um,
have you ever
done role-playing?
Josh: You mean cos-play?
Michael: Yeah, I was trying to
say the English word for it.
Like in Japanese
costume play is cos-play.
Josh: Yeah cos-play, I'm
familiar with the term.
But, no.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
Josh: You?
Michael: Yeah,
like a few times.
Like um, I don't know, ever
hear people say Japan
is into some freaky sex shit.
Right?
I think they're actually one
of the healthier countries
when it comes to sex.
Josh: I heard the
husbands and wives
don't even fuck each other.
Michael: Hmm, like a lot
of the time they don't.
Probably why the sex
industry is so popular there.
They don't have time for it.
They work 10 hours a
day, 14 hours a day.
Sometimes they don't
even live at home.
Like, so the wife will get
a mistress and then the
husband will go to a sex
establishment and pick out
a girl or boy of his choosing.
Josh: Prostitution.
Michael: Well, yeah.
Like kind of.
Like it's not technically
prostitution so as long as you
don't do penis vagina sex.
Like you can't do coitus.
Josh: That's all you can't do?
Michael: That's all
you can't do really,
like you can do titty fuck,
you can do rape fantasies,
you can do anal, like pretty
much anything you can think of
goes as long as the boy or
girl giving it to you is
comfortable with the
service that you want.
Josh: And you've done this.
Michael: Yeah.
Josh: Can you
tell me about it?
Michael: No, you're gonna tell
all your friends about it,
Josh: I don't
have any friends.
Michael: You have that 17
year-old, that pothead right?
Josh: Come on.
Michael: He's gonna be stoned,
you're gonna go up to him,
you're gonna
tell him about it,
he's gonna put it
all over the internet.
All over the
social media sites.
Alright, yeah, like um,
nurse, a cat, fairy.
Josh: Wait, you've
dressed as a nurse?
Michael: Do I look like I
would dress like a nurse?
Do I really look
like the sub type?
Josh: You could
be a dom nurse.
Michael: You're a sub.
You're totally the sub type.
Josh: What are
you talking about?
Michael: You take it.
Like you think you're a
dom, but you're a sub.
I'm dom, wait did
I say sub or dom.
You're sub I'm dom,
I'm dom all the way.
Dom gives, sub takes.
Josh: I don't know what
you're talking about.
Michael: You
think you're a dom,
but you're
totally the nurse type.
Michael: Would you ever
put foreskin in your nose?
Josh: What?
Michael: I saw this
porn this one time,
it was the first
gay porn I ever saw.
Like I was at a
friend's house and he said,
hey check out this gay porn.
I'm like what's this and
he's like it's fireman porn.
And there's a lot of guys
in fire hats and their
sitting around and this man
says to other guy like put
my foreskin in your nose.
Josh: Do you still have that?
Michael: It's not
mine, it's not mine,
I just watched it.
It blew my mind.
I had to stop it,
rewind like 15 times,
I couldn't believe it.
Shocking.
Josh: You sure you
know where you're going?
Michael: No, I've
never been here before.
Just uh, straight
now, I'm sorry,
like it's, it's confusing.
Josh: It is confusing.
Michael: Yeah, you alright.
That's the
playground, that's it, right?
That's the
playground right there.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Yeah.
Josh: It looks like the
other playground we saw.
Michael: You know if I dropped
a child off at one of those
playgrounds, I would never
come back to the correct one
to pick them up.
They'd be lost,
they'd be gone forever.
I'd be a terrible parent.
Um, so it looks like, it looks
like it dead ends but go.
Josh: Straight?
Michael: Yeah, straight.
Go straight.
You're gonna be so
happy in a minute.
You're gonna be
incredibly happy.
I promise.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Pull in
right behind there.
Go, go ahead.
You can cul de sac it.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: What
you're not excited?
Josh: What are we doing here?
Michael: It's Lisa's house.
Duh.
C'mon.
Josh: No way.
Michael: Yeah.
You never check your
email or anything?
Josh: Just give
me a minute, ok?
Michael: Well, you
can wait in the car,
I'm gonna go inside.
Yeah, toodles.
Michael: Hey.
Lisa: Hey guys.
Michael: Nice to meet ya.
Dominic: Likewise.
Michael: No, but that must
be the reason why you're
not going to the reunion.
Lisa: Yeah, I mean I
don't know how much fun it
would be being pregnant.
I can't drink anything.
Michael: It'd be
great, it'd be great,
you could just sit in the
back seat and drink water.
Come and join us.
I bet, I bet, I bet he drinks.
He looks like a
drinker, right?
Lisa: Oh yeah.
Michael: Yeah?
Lisa: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah.
Josh: The three of
us did our share.
Back in the college days.
Michael: Oh yeah,
like what was it,
like Lake Michigan?
Josh: Yeah, we'd be out
there waiting for the sunrise.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
Josh: Wow.
Michael: I think that was
the first time did like um,
like Peote?
Mushrooms?
With you guys.
Lisa: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah, who'd
want to forget that night.
Josh: It was a fun night.
Michael: Yeah, I mean it was,
it was a really fun night,
it was a great night.
I think that was, it
was my first, probably
not your first, definitely
not your first three way.
Josh: Ok Michael.
Michael: Yeah, I
mean it was funny,
it was so funny cause Josh
is laughing and he's he's so
sloppy, going back and forth
trying to get it in right?
And he's just like, he's just
getting like soft, right?
And it's, it's, it's
incredibly difficult cause
you're probably
too, you're too small.
Lisa : Keep it down.
Michael: Ok, you
were, you're too small.
Or maybe we're too big right?
Maybe I'm too
big, he's too big,
you're a little too small
and we just can't get it in.
But, lo and behold
there is the other hole.
Camera one, camera two,
option one, option two.
Hole number one,
hole number two,
why not go for
everything while we're at it.
And I wanted to do the
fucking Eiffel Tower.
I wanted to the Eiffel Tower so
I'm in the front side and Josh
is in the back side and we're
gonna do the high five on top.
It's like, no, I'm
sorry, we didn't do that,
no offense, it
was, it was college.
Everybody was
doing that in college.
Yeah, well honestly um, I,
sh, pipe it down, sh, sup?
Honestly Dominic, she
is the most amazing,
sweetest, straightest
lady I've ever met.
It's so nice to meet you
and it's so nice to see this,
it's amazing and you have
done such an amazing job,
both of you have done such an
amazing job with everything
you want to do with your
life, you've set out a goal
and you accomplished it.
You're aiming for
something and you have it,
and I wish I had what, and
you're amazing, you're great.
Lisa: Thank you.
Michael: you're great.
Lisa: Thank you.
Michael: Yeah,
you're, I'm proud of you.
I'm so proud.
You're proud,
you're, we're all proud.
We're fucking proud.
You got a pool?
Josh: You were quite
the asshole tonight.
Michael: It's
dangerous to swim alone.
Josh: I'm not swimming.
Michael: You're drunk.
Josh: I'm not
even drunk asshole.
Josh: Is this a game to you?
Michael: No, no I just,
I overestimate what
I can say in America.
Josh: Michael, she's
six months pregnant.
Next to her husband, this,
this whole thing was your idea.
Michael: I'm sorry.
Josh, don't you
want to go back?
Michael: Stop.
Josh: I had too much to drink.
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Josh: Wow, this is awesome.
Michael: I guess.
Do you even think
it's worth going?
Like really?
Josh: What do you
mean worth going?
Michael: I don't know,
interacting with everyone?
Like, catching up?
Josh: You could have just
looked up everybody online.
Michael: Yeah, I
would but they don't,
they don't respond to my
messages so, it's not working.
Josh: Whose fault is that?
You dropped off, like you just
stopped talking to everybody.
Michael: Really?
Josh: You left Michael.
Michael: Really?
Josh: Some people might
say that's fucked up.
Michael: Some people, huh?
Josh: Do you even know how
last night was so wrong?
Like it's been
10 years Michael.
Things are different.
Michael: No, God.
Josh: People have changed.
Michael: Josh.
Josh: Not everyone wants to go
back to your bullshit world.
Michael: I don't recall a
whole hell a lot of maturity
from you last night?
Josh: What
happened last night?
Michael: Let's go.
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Michael: Hey, hey, hey, let's
do rock, paper, scissors.
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Just one time.
K?
Ready?
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: What is that?
Michael: It's
part of the game.
You'll learn in a minute.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Let's continue.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Michael: Oh, ok, now
see I've got no hands,
I'm gonna call it out ok?
Josh: Ok.
Josh and Michael: Rock,
paper, scissors, go.
Michael: Paper.
Paper, bulldog.
Josh: Ok, what?
Michael: It's bulldog.
It's a Japanese game.
It's fun.
Josh: You're
really good at it.
Michael: I know, I know every
kid always does like rock like
for the first three times.
I win every argument.
Josh: Oh, that's
what every kid does?
Michael: That's what you do.
Josh: Let's go again.
Michael: Ok, ready?
Josh and Michael: Rock,
paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Michael: Ow.
Josh: Yeah, right?
Michael: Did it hurt, did it
hurt when I did it to you?
Josh: Yes it did.
Michael: Ok.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Michael: Take it
off, take it off.
So if I win and you
have something on my hand,
then you gotta, on my
face, you gotta take it off.
Josh: Ok.
Let's go.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Josh and Michael: Rock,
paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Rock.
Bull dog.
Yes, whoo.
Michael: You don't
gotta be a dick about it.
Ok.
Josh: Two out of three?
Michael: Two out of three.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Michael: Fuck.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Michael: Take it off.
Josh: Take it off.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Go.
Michael: You gotta call it.
Josh: Ok, I'll do it,
my fault, my fault.
Michael: You have to call it.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Rock.
Bulldog, whoo.
Michael: You don't
gotta rub it in my face.
I was gonna win the next one.
Josh: That is a fun game.
*
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Michael: Yeah, I have a
serious question for us.
Josh: For us?
Michael: Yeah, for us.
Like serious question you
have to answer truthfully.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: No,
seriously, like no,
no hocus pocus
answers, like serious,
what would seriously do.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Ok.
Ok great.
See that opening up there?
What would we seriously do if
some ghost straight up just
flies from there,
starts floating over to us.
You know we're
getting scared, petrified,
like it's a fucking
ghost, they're real.
Who knew?
But he has a knife.
He has a big, shanky
long ghost knife, ok?
Michael: And he flies over
here and puts it up to our
throats and says, me and my
little ghost buddies are going
to kill the two of
you, in five minutes.
But, being as it is that we
believe in a fair fight, we're
gonna give you like five minutes
to get your shit together.
Grab some weapons,
prepare yourself.
Don't bother running to your
car cause the car is gone.
Michael: The
ghosts stole that.
The ghosts stole the car Josh.
So what would we seriously do?
We have five
Minutes to prepare.
Josh: What would I do?
Michael: No, what would we do?
Let's work this out together.
Like first things first.
We need a weapon.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: We'd need a weapon.
Josh: We'd have
to find weapons;
I'll go find weapons.
Michael: Ok, good, where are
you gonna find the weapons?
Josh: Um, down there.
Michael: Down there?
Ok.
Josh: I'll go down there, yep.
Michael: That's
good, that's good.
Josh: In the shrubbery.
Michael: That's good,
what kind of weapon
are you gonna look for?
Josh: I'm gonna get a
long stick that I can swing.
Michael: Ok, ok, good,
we only got like four
minutes now by the way.
Michael: Ok, ok, good,
we onOk good, so.four
Josh: Ok, for you I'd
get like something
small like a sharp rock.
Michael: Yeah,
yeah something sharp.
Josh: You're fast.
Michael: I could like shank,
shank, shank, shank, shank.
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: Really fast.
Wipe em all out, really good.
Josh: Yeah, ok, so I'm over
there looking for weapons.
Mchael: Ok good,
you're over there.
Josh: What are you doing?
Michael: I don't know, um,
that looks like the cave from
like 300, what's the, what
was the battle in that movie?
Josh: The battle in 300?
Michael: The battle of Mopoly.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: It's like a
muppet word, Mopoly.
Ok, I know we got
like three minutes.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Ok, so, I'm gonna
gather rocks to, in that cave.
Gather the rocks to the cave
so that whenever they go into
the cave, we can be on the
other side bashing ghosts'
heads, poof, poof, poof.
Josh: Ok, that sounds good.
Michael: Ok, good, we've
got like two minutes left.
Good, did you
find a weapon yet?
Josh: Yes, I'm over here
and I found the weapons.
Michael: Ok, I can't really
hear you cause I'm over here
and you're over there.
Josh: I found the weapons.
I've got a stick and a rock.
Michael: Ok, that's perfect.
I've got some rocks
and rocks and rocks.
Josh: Ok, so you're, I'm
getting the weapons you're
making the barricades.
Michael: Yeah, and
there's like one minute left.
Josh: They're coming
at, they're coming at us.
Michael: Wait, wait, wait, I
think they're still waiting
they're like
marching in place,
they're getting antsy,
they're getting excited.
Josh: Yes, we
need to charge them.
Josh and Michael: Aarrrgh!.
Josh: We're charging.
Michael: We're charging,
ok, and I've got a rock.
Josh: Yes.
They're, .
Michael: Poof.
Josh: Good.
Michael: One's gone.
Josh: That's one gone.
Michael: There's
like fourteen left.
Josh: And I've got my stick.
Michael: One.
Josh and Michael: Two.
Josh: Three gone.
Michael: Three gone, so
that's four down, eleven to go.
Josh: Four down.
Ok.
Michael: So.
Josh: They're coming quicker.
Michael: So we've gotta
retreat into the cave,
go inside the cave,
go inside the cave.
Josh: They're
swarming, they're swarming us.
Michael: Swarming,
swarmng left and right,
but as they're coming in,
we're knocking those ghosts.
Josh: Another one
down, another one.
Michael: Bam, bam, bam, fuck.
Josh: Another three gone.
Michael: Yeah, but it's
not gonna help you know why?
Josh: Why?
Michael: Behind us, we
didn't even inspect the cave,
there's like a hundred
ghosts on the inside.
Josh: Oh, great.
Michael: Yeah,
fucking surrounded.
The alpha steps up, the
alpha ghost and he's like,
you have a choice.
You fought very
well young warriors.
Josh: Ah, yes, he's
giving us a choice.
Michael: Alright, a choice.
Josh: One of you will
live, one of you must die.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
So obviously I put my hand up.
Josh: I stand up, ok..
Michael: I put
my hand forward.
Josh: I would step up.
Michael: It's gotta be me .
Josh: Why would you step up?
Michael: I like ghosts,
I'd be comfortable
being killed by a ghost.
Josh: You have so
much potential Michael.
Michael: Yeah, but I'm just
wasting it all on this thing
that you call life, so
me, it's gotta be me.
Me ghosts, it's me.
You know, while we're
arguing about this?
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: They just get
really sick of it and
they're gonna shank twice.
They're gonna
shank at us two times.
Josh: Oh, no.
Michael: Just kill both of us.
But, after they shank me, I
fucking jump in front of you,
and then I take your knife.
Josh: Wait a minute.
Michael: I take your shank.
Josh: You've
already been shanked,
how can you jump
in front of me?
Michael: Well, it's
like muscle memory.
Josh: You would still
jump after being shanked?
Michael: Yeah, even shanked
in the head doesn't matter how
I'm shanked, I'd jump in
front, take a shank for you.
Like dead or alive, I, I, I
would take a shanking for you.
Look at that.
Then the ghosts are
happy, they go away,
you're alone, you don't
know how to get outta here.
Josh: That's kinda sweet.
Michael: Look away, look away.
Look away sir.
You cheeseball.
Josh: So what do you
want to do tonight?
Michael: Hmm.
let's stay in.
Josh: I'm gonna grab some ice.
Josh: I was always
so intrigued by you.
Always wanting to be near
you, just to be around you.
It was hard to explain at
the time, I guess it still is.
When we
graduated and you left,
I felt pretty bad about that.
I just, I thought we
had this connection.
It's something that I hadn't
felt with anybody before,
I haven't felt it since.
I've seen people
since college,
you know, just
haven't let them fully in,
I haven't let them
know the real me,
I guess.
I don't think I've ever, I
know I've never been in love.
Don't freak out
or anything ok,
I just, when I think
about it, I think about you,
I think about what we had.
I missed you.
I basically resigned to the
fact that I'm not gonna be as
happy as most of my
friends, all of my siblings,
I just don't see
how it's possible.
I have this
recurring dream of mine,
where I'm living more openly
you know, it feels better.
It feels like this
amazing place actually.
And then I wake up.
I don't think I've ever been
happier than I am right now.
Michael: Do you remember,
how you were ten years ago?
You were a beast.
You were unmanageable.
You're so strong now.
And you're stoic, and
you're relatively relaxed,
I mean I know there's a
monster inside of you that
likes to get out,
but for the most part,
you've like leveled out.
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah, I
couldn't do that.
The way you've got it
together, I, I can't.
I wish I could, I wish
I could be like that,
I wish I could do what
you're doing, but.
Good for you.
You seem to have a good
head on your shoulders.
This is better, you
have to know that.
*
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Michael: It's cold.
Josh: I know.
Michael: Don't want
to live down here.
Josh: No, that would suck.
Michael: Yeah.
Michael: You know,
that took more than
a thousand years to grow.
Josh: I know, it's crazy.
Michael: Yeah.
If it took you a thousand
years to become something,
what would you become?
Josh: I don't
know, what about you?
Michael: Not this.
Oh my God, can you
imagine, it's like a
children's nightmare in here.
I think if I became anything,
I don't know I think if it
took me a thousand
years to become something,
I think I'd be as I am now.
You know, like,
comfortable, where I belong,
in this cave, not the
cave but in this cave,
with you here now.
Josh: What are you
trying to say Michael?
Michael: Hey Josh, um,
like when we go to my
brother's house, we can't
go telling like college sex
stories and stuff like that.
Josh: I'll try my best.
Michael: No, but I
mean it seriously.
You can't, if you do, I'm not
gonna sleep with you anymore.
Joe: Well, you look
good, a little skinny but.
Michael: Look at
you, you meat head.
I bet you bench your kids.
Joe: All I have time for
is push ups with the kids.
That's all I have time for.
Michael: Oh yeah,
do they do push ups?
Joe: Well, she's two, so she
rolls back and forth kinda.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
Joe: What do you think
about your niece and nephew?
Michael: Yeah.
Joe: They haven't
seen you in awhile.
Michael: I don't
think they recognize me.
Joe: Well you're so skinny.
Michael: Do you
think they'd be better off
in America or in Japan?
Joe: No strong opinions, I
mean we're getting back to
Japan regularly enough.
Yeah, but speaking of Japan,
what do you think about Sally?
Going to Japan?
Michael: She's not
coming, she's not coming.
Joe: She might man.
Michael: No she's not.
Joe : It could be messy.
Josh: Who's Sally?
Joe: Sally is our cousin.
Michael: She's
our cousin, yeah.
Joe: Going to Japan.
Michael: Petulant.
Joe: It's not going
to mix very well.
Michael: She's a
beast, she's a beast,
she'd be the worst part
about Japan if I was in Japan.
Doesn't matter
what season she goes,
she'd find a reason
to complain, right?
Joe: Well, unless
it was like Spring.
Michael: Oh, haname.
Joe: Haname.
Michael: Yeah.
Josh: What's han, han, haname?
Joe: Haname is
springtime, the trees bloom,
Michael: Yeah.
Joe: cherry
blossoms turn white,
it's picnics, it's drinking,.
Michael: Yeah drinking.
Joe: It's women.
Michael: Like women.
Joe: Gorgeous.
Michael: Like
geishas everywhere,
left and right, I
mean not really,
not really, not really, no, we
should just show him a picture.
Joe: Oh yeah,
show him a picture.
Michael: Yeah,
yeah, you're right,
It's better than like
hearing us talk about it.
Joe: Great.
Michael: Great.
Haname.
Joe: Oh, who's this,
I'll take that, Yoko.
Yoko.
Michael: Joe, no.
Joe: I got it, I got it,
hang on I can still read.
Michael: I don't like when
you do that Joe. Joe.
Joe: (Speaking Japanese).
Haruka: (Speaking Japanese).
Joe: What is kay konchski.
Haruka: Kay
Konchski is wedding.
Joe: Wedding, is this you?
Michael: Yeah man, yeah.
Ta da, that's why I'm here.
Joe: Congratulations.
Michael: Thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.
Joe: How long's this been.
Michael: It's been
like two months,
it's not a big deal.
Joe: Two months.
Michael: It's not like
set, like two years.
Joe: Years.
Michael: I mess up my
English, so it's a little.
Joe: I mean it says
neigatz, that's February .
Michael: February,
right, it's February.
Joe: Are you excited?
Michael: I came
out here didn't I,
like look I'm, yeah man.
Joe: Did you know about this?
Michael: No, no of
course he doesn't know,
I mean why would I
tell him cause it's not,
it's not, it's not set.
Joe: So, are you excited?
Michael: Yeah man, like
brother like brother,
like, you look happy,
why wouldn't I be happy?
I'm thrilled, I'm
really excited.
That's why I'm here, da da.
Josh: Congratulations Michael.
Josh: Is it true?
So when were you
gonna tell me?
Michael: It's, it's,
it's something
that's been happening.
I don't know if
it's the right thing.
But she wants it.
Josh: What do you want?
Michael: From you?
Josh: From your life Michael.
Michael: I wish
I was like you.
Josh: I wish you
were like yourself.
*
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Josh: Hey, how was the trip?
Yeah?
Yeah, we just got here.
I'm gonna have to
give you a call back.
Thanks.
Bye.
Michael: Hey, where you going?
Josh: Fuck you Michael.
[door buzzes]
*
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Michael: So.
Can we sit?
Michael: We're here.
Josh: You noticed.
Michael: So, I'm not sure
what's gonna happen next.
Josh: It's up to you.
Michael: We came
here together.
Josh: We did.
Michael: So.
Josh: I'm ready,
so, I'm going in.
*
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Michael: I've never seen
someone actually become a
party monster in
front of my eyes.
Josh: Ok, c'mon.
Michael: You were like, in the
dictionary it would be your
face next to party
monster and mess.
Josh: Ok, ok.
Michael: I mean it
was pretty bad Josh,
I'd never seen someone pull out
their dick at a party before.
You're like slapping it
from cheek to cheek.like Kids.
Josh: Oh right,
it was not hard.
Michael: Well it wasn't hard,
but it was certainly long and
noticeable...you're a dick.
Josh: Good times.
Michael: Nah, I
was rock bottom;
I was terrible.
Josh: It was college.
Michael: Yeah, it was like
seriously like the worst
night, not even joking.
Get that smile off your
face, you disgust me.
Josh: Ok man.
Michael: Nice house.
Josh: I know, right?
Michael: Yeah,
how'd you get this?
Josh: It's my boss's
place he let's me stay here
from time to time.
Michael: Yeah?
Your boss, huh?
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah?
Yeah...he's just
letting you stay here?
Josh: It's my job Michael.
Michael: Yeah?
For free?
Josh: Do you mind getting
the first leg in the morning?
Michael: What, I
mean, is that drive?
Josh: Have you forgotten
the English language?
Michael: Ok, last I
checked leg and drive were not
synonymous with each other.
No, I mean like, I mostly
remember everything from the
English language, but you know
if you don't use it you lose
it, so I've forgotten
a lot of vocabulary.
I teach baby English all day .
I'm mostly, mostly, mostly
mostly good up to five years
ago though,
colloquially speaking.
Josh: Ok...so you'll drive.
Michael: Hmm, um,
yeah, hmm, hmm,
I got a tattoo.
Josh: You did?
Michael: I got a tattoo.
I did.
Josh: Where?
Michael: Guess.
It's the most typical
spot a white person like
me would get a tattoo.
Josh: On your butt.
Michael: What,
uh, no, I uh no,
here, here weirdo.
Here, look at that.
It's a, there it is.
Josh: Wow.
Michael: Yeah.
Do you know what it means?
Josh: No idea.
Michael: Yeah,
can't read Japanese.
It means like
laughter or smile.
In Japanese we say waro.
Josh: Waro.
Michael: Waro,
yeah that wasn't bad.
I get sick of those guys
that get kangi all over their
bodies and they
can't even read it.
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah, I can read it.
Touch it, you can
touch it if you want...
It's bumpy right.
Josh: It is bumpy.
Michael: Yeah.
It's real, it's real.
It's supposed to be bumpy.
Josh: Hmm.
Michael: Do you have any?
Josh: No, I'm, I'm
open to it, I just,
I haven't felt that strongly
about anything yet I guess.
Michael: Hmm, um, yeah, hmm,
yeah about driving like um.
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah,
no, no, I, I can't,
it's not gonna happen.
Josh: What do you
mean you can't,
you, you said you
would help drive.
Michael: When we
talked before I,
I assumed that I already had
auto insurance, but I don't.
Josh: Michael, why didn't
you just fly to Chicago?
Michael: You're not in
Chicago, you're in LA.
Josh: Yeah, but the drive
is really long Michael.
Michael: It is, it is.
Josh: This, this whole
reunion was your idea.
Michael: You want to go,
like you want to catch up.
Josh: I...what
if we didn't go?
Michael: No.
Josh: Think about it.
Michael: Um, ok first of all,
who's gonna pay for my ticket
to Chicago, cause I gotta go
straight from there to Japan.
Josh: Ah.
Michael: Second of all,
I already made plans.
Josh: Along where?
Michael: Uh, so if this is Los
Angeles and this is chitown.
Josh: Uh huh.
Michael: Instead of doing the
straight line we'd be doing a
happy little horse shoe.
See that happy face?
That's you and me, happy face.
josh: Ok, what
are we going to do?
Michael: Who are
we going to do?
Josh: Ok, who are we seeing?
Michael: Oh, the
person we are seeing is
very excited to see us.
Um, with their
significant other,
we haven't met them yet.
And, I don't know we
have a dinner set up,
it's gonna be great.
Josh: I don't know.
Michael: I will pay
for the detour gas.
Josh: Oh, you'll pay
for the detour gas.
Michael: I will
pay for the detour,
I will pay for all of the
gas if you just shut
the fuck up for a little bit.
Josh: I'm not going.
Michael: No, you are going.
Josh: No.
Michael: No, you
always do this shit,
I hate it ok.
You're going, we are
gonna go together.
Eh, eh, eh.
*
*
Josh: Eric is working
on a second degree.
Yeah he's studying business,
so good luck with that.
Michael: Oh, he's
gonna burn that down.
Uh, how bout Ameila?
Josh: She's still in Italy.
Michael: Lisa.
Josh: She's um, I
think she's good,
I know she got married.
I didn't make it
to the wedding,
but I got invited.
Michael: My God, I'd love to
see Lisa again, wouldn't you?
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: It's weird,
like, I thought
everything would be the same.
It's like when you're
having a conversation and then
you go inside of a store,
and the conversation
you had outside like stops.
And then you go outside again
and the conversation resumes.
Like, do you know
what I'm talking about?
Josh: Yeah.
Michael : Yeah.
Josh: It's like
a time capsule.
Michael: Yeah, yeah,
like a, like a perfectly
preserved time capsule.
Josh: Hmm-mm.
Michael: Like, like us.
Josh: Wonder what this reunion
is really gonna be like.
Michael: I don't know.
Are you seeing anyone?
Josh: I am seeing a
few people, yeah.
Michael: Anything serious?
Josh: Well their not in the
car with us now are they?
Michael: I forget
that at most reunions,
like people bring
their significant others.
Eh, eh, eh.
Josh: Right.
So what about you?
Michael: Oh, you know, like I'm
always looking for something.
*
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Michael: Do you
like Las Vegas?
I do like Las Vegas.
Do you like Las Vegas?
There's shit stains
all over the bed.
Josh: Ugh.
Michael: Ugh.
Josh and Michael: Aaargghhh.
*
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Michael: Josh, it's like
7:00 p.m. It's like 6:30,
it's like 6. It's
like 5, wake up.
Josh, Josh wake up.
We just got here.
You will wake up mister.
You will wake up.
I see my dick in the
mirror Josh, I see it.
Swingin.
Uh, Josh,
somebody stole my pants.
What are we
gonna do about this?
Eh?
What are we going
to do about this?
Did you take my pants?
Josh, somebody
stole my pants, what
are we gonna do about this?
Hey, you have my
fuckin pants don't you.
Where the fuck
are my pants Josh?
C'mon, Josh.
Um, what would you seriously
do if somebody came right into
this room right now and took
those right off of you and
chucked them out the window.
Or ate them.
What if they, they
took the pants and then
physically like ate them.
What would you seriously do?
Josh: You're getting hard.
Michael: Josh, wake up.
It's check-out time.
Wake up.
*
Josh: I feel like shit.
Michael: Yep.
Need some air man, pull over.
Josh: Nah.
Michael: Ok.
Uh, um.
Alright, let's play a game.
Josh: No.
Michael: Josh, like it's
gonna pass the time
a lot better than this.
Questions only, you may
not use sentences, go.
Josh: Why are you so peppy?
Michael: Wasn't
last night fun?
Josh: Isn't it kinda frustrating
that you can't drive?
Michael: Do you want
me to drive for awhile?
Josh: You don't
have insurance.
Michael: Was that a question?
Josh: You know Michael, I'm
driving on your itinerary and
I don't understand why we're not
just going straight to Chicago.
Michael : Alright, well.
I'd rather Josh was into
the element of surprise.
But I could tell you
we're gonna stop in Missouri.
Does that help you?
Does that make
you more relaxed?
Josh: We're gonna
see your brother?
Michael: Yeah, that's not
that far out of the way.
Josh: Ok, you know it's
fine, it's cool to see them,
I don't mind its just
it's annoying when
you keep secrets that's all.
What?
Michael: Remind me again
about that DUI you had.
Josh: That's a completely
different situation.
Michael: No, no, who
was in the car with you?
Josh: You were.
Michael: And who forget to tell
me that they had been drinking.
Josh: Me.
Michael: I made sure
your car wasn't impounded.
I drove it home, I parked it.
Josh: You bailed me out.
Michael: I bailed you out.
Thank God I got
the money back.
Had to drive all the way
to downtown Chicago
to pull you out of that tank.
Josh: Ok, you were a big help.
Michael: Yeah, I was a
big help that night.
If you hadn't been so
Goddamn secretive
like I would have driven.
Jeez Josh like you need to
relax a little bit more.
Like I think I'm
entitled to some secrets,
they're positive ones, like
it's not like I'm withholding
the fact that I was drinking.
I just want to take you
a few surprise places,
what's wrong with that.
Nothing.
Josh: You're probably right.
Michael: I know I'm right.
Of course I'm right.
I'm always right.
I mean I'm basically guiding
you towards a better version
of the time than you would be
having if you'd stayed at home.
Josh: Yeah, at home I'd
probably just be watching TV.
Michael: No, no you'd be
masturbating to soap operas.
Josh: Ok, I think I'd be
watching something a little
classier than a soap opera.
Michael: Oh, like you'd be
jerking off to Europa, Europa.
Josh: Cabaret.
Michael: Ooh, who would you
rather fuck Liza Minelli or
Gene Kelly, like
in their hey day.
Josh: Which films?
Michael: Well Cabaret and
like Singing in the Rain.
Josh: Gene, by a mile.
Michael: No, Liza you fool.
Liza.
Prince or the artist
formerly known as Prince.
Josh: Still Prince.
Michael: Yeah, I think
Prince would be good.
No, the Artist
formerly known as.
Seriously can we pull over.
Thanks.
Josh: I'm glad
we're doing this.
Josh: You feeling ok?
Michael: Yeah.
Michael: Work.
(Speaking Japanese).
Josh: Michael, Mike,
Michael, Michael,
what are you
doing with my phone?
Michael: Who's this dude?
Josh: It's my boss.
Anyway, will you
sit on my back?
Michael: Alright,
for like a minute.
Josh: Ok please it
just really hurts.
Further up on my back.
Further, further up.
Like more towards
the middle of my back.
A little further.
That's good, that's better.
Can you do like a
back and forth motion?
No, the other,
like towards my head.
Up and down.
Yeah, like that.
Yes.
Michael: Your
minute is almost up.
Josh: Oh, that feels good.
Michael: Yep, that's a minute.
Josh: I felt old for
the first time this week.
Michael: What did you like
come a puff of smoke
when you were jerking off.
Josh: Yeah, yeah that's
exactly what happened.
Michael: That's why
your face is so ashy.
Josh: No, my uh, my colleague's
son came to work who's 17.
And he told me
all about his Mom,
my colleague's wife,
how she grows weed.
Michael: Do you smoke pot?
Josh: No.
Michael: I could
smoke right now.
Josh: Anyway,
he's uh you know,
he's telling me about his
Mom and showing me his profile
that has all of her stuff.
Michael: Online?
Josh: Yeah, exactly.
It feels like he's
trying to sell me this weed.
And it's awkward, you know
it's my colleague's son,
so I'm doing anything
to change the subject.
So I talk to
him, I'm like hey,
you know it must be really tough
being a teenager these days.
You know with all the social
media and these teachers are
patrolling your
twitter accounts.
The gossip in the hallways
with all the students,
you know what I mean.
I'm going on and on for
like a minute or so and
he is just staring at me.
Michael: Show me the look.
Josh: It's like um.
Michael: Yeah, I
know that look.
Josh: You know what I mean.
It's the look that every
teenager has when their stuck
in a conversation
with a grandfather.
Completely
different generations.
Michael: Yeah, we're in
that category of people.
Josh: Yeah.
Exactly.
We can't go to the 20
year old parties anymore.
Michael: No, we'd be the
creepy guys in the corner.
Like with the red cups.
Everyone says like
what are they doing here?
Who's Dad is that?
Josh: At least
we'd have each other.
Michael: Yeah.
Michael : (Singing Japanese).
Michael : (Singing Japanese).
Michael: You
could sing a song,
I don't give a fuck.
Josh: Why don't
you sing something
that we could all sing?
What the hell are you singing?
Fuji mountain what?
Michael: When I become a first
grader I want to go to the top
of Mount Fuji and eat onagiri
with 100 of my friends.
Josh: Do you know
how to turn on the.
Michael: What, ah the defrost.
Josh: It's
getting fogged, yes.
Michael: Yeah, yes, it's fine.
Michael: Is that it?
Josh: I can't tell yet.
I think it's helping.
Michael: You're welcome.
Can I sing again?
Do you want to
learn how to sing it?
Josh: Ok, I will
learn how to sing it.
Michael and Josh:
(Japanese singing).
Michael and Josh:
(Japanese singing).
Michael: See we're
parting the clouds.
Michael and Josh:
(Japanese singing).
Michael: I'm hungry.
Michael: Have you
ever done, like um,
have you ever
done role-playing?
Josh: You mean cos-play?
Michael: Yeah, I was trying to
say the English word for it.
Like in Japanese
costume play is cos-play.
Josh: Yeah cos-play, I'm
familiar with the term.
But, no.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
Josh: You?
Michael: Yeah,
like a few times.
Like um, I don't know, ever
hear people say Japan
is into some freaky sex shit.
Right?
I think they're actually one
of the healthier countries
when it comes to sex.
Josh: I heard the
husbands and wives
don't even fuck each other.
Michael: Hmm, like a lot
of the time they don't.
Probably why the sex
industry is so popular there.
They don't have time for it.
They work 10 hours a
day, 14 hours a day.
Sometimes they don't
even live at home.
Like, so the wife will get
a mistress and then the
husband will go to a sex
establishment and pick out
a girl or boy of his choosing.
Josh: Prostitution.
Michael: Well, yeah.
Like kind of.
Like it's not technically
prostitution so as long as you
don't do penis vagina sex.
Like you can't do coitus.
Josh: That's all you can't do?
Michael: That's all
you can't do really,
like you can do titty fuck,
you can do rape fantasies,
you can do anal, like pretty
much anything you can think of
goes as long as the boy or
girl giving it to you is
comfortable with the
service that you want.
Josh: And you've done this.
Michael: Yeah.
Josh: Can you
tell me about it?
Michael: No, you're gonna tell
all your friends about it,
Josh: I don't
have any friends.
Michael: You have that 17
year-old, that pothead right?
Josh: Come on.
Michael: He's gonna be stoned,
you're gonna go up to him,
you're gonna
tell him about it,
he's gonna put it
all over the internet.
All over the
social media sites.
Alright, yeah, like um,
nurse, a cat, fairy.
Josh: Wait, you've
dressed as a nurse?
Michael: Do I look like I
would dress like a nurse?
Do I really look
like the sub type?
Josh: You could
be a dom nurse.
Michael: You're a sub.
You're totally the sub type.
Josh: What are
you talking about?
Michael: You take it.
Like you think you're a
dom, but you're a sub.
I'm dom, wait did
I say sub or dom.
You're sub I'm dom,
I'm dom all the way.
Dom gives, sub takes.
Josh: I don't know what
you're talking about.
Michael: You
think you're a dom,
but you're
totally the nurse type.
Michael: Would you ever
put foreskin in your nose?
Josh: What?
Michael: I saw this
porn this one time,
it was the first
gay porn I ever saw.
Like I was at a
friend's house and he said,
hey check out this gay porn.
I'm like what's this and
he's like it's fireman porn.
And there's a lot of guys
in fire hats and their
sitting around and this man
says to other guy like put
my foreskin in your nose.
Josh: Do you still have that?
Michael: It's not
mine, it's not mine,
I just watched it.
It blew my mind.
I had to stop it,
rewind like 15 times,
I couldn't believe it.
Shocking.
Josh: You sure you
know where you're going?
Michael: No, I've
never been here before.
Just uh, straight
now, I'm sorry,
like it's, it's confusing.
Josh: It is confusing.
Michael: Yeah, you alright.
That's the
playground, that's it, right?
That's the
playground right there.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Yeah.
Josh: It looks like the
other playground we saw.
Michael: You know if I dropped
a child off at one of those
playgrounds, I would never
come back to the correct one
to pick them up.
They'd be lost,
they'd be gone forever.
I'd be a terrible parent.
Um, so it looks like, it looks
like it dead ends but go.
Josh: Straight?
Michael: Yeah, straight.
Go straight.
You're gonna be so
happy in a minute.
You're gonna be
incredibly happy.
I promise.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Pull in
right behind there.
Go, go ahead.
You can cul de sac it.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: What
you're not excited?
Josh: What are we doing here?
Michael: It's Lisa's house.
Duh.
C'mon.
Josh: No way.
Michael: Yeah.
You never check your
email or anything?
Josh: Just give
me a minute, ok?
Michael: Well, you
can wait in the car,
I'm gonna go inside.
Yeah, toodles.
Michael: Hey.
Lisa: Hey guys.
Michael: Nice to meet ya.
Dominic: Likewise.
Michael: No, but that must
be the reason why you're
not going to the reunion.
Lisa: Yeah, I mean I
don't know how much fun it
would be being pregnant.
I can't drink anything.
Michael: It'd be
great, it'd be great,
you could just sit in the
back seat and drink water.
Come and join us.
I bet, I bet, I bet he drinks.
He looks like a
drinker, right?
Lisa: Oh yeah.
Michael: Yeah?
Lisa: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah.
Josh: The three of
us did our share.
Back in the college days.
Michael: Oh yeah,
like what was it,
like Lake Michigan?
Josh: Yeah, we'd be out
there waiting for the sunrise.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
Josh: Wow.
Michael: I think that was
the first time did like um,
like Peote?
Mushrooms?
With you guys.
Lisa: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah, who'd
want to forget that night.
Josh: It was a fun night.
Michael: Yeah, I mean it was,
it was a really fun night,
it was a great night.
I think that was, it
was my first, probably
not your first, definitely
not your first three way.
Josh: Ok Michael.
Michael: Yeah, I
mean it was funny,
it was so funny cause Josh
is laughing and he's he's so
sloppy, going back and forth
trying to get it in right?
And he's just like, he's just
getting like soft, right?
And it's, it's, it's
incredibly difficult cause
you're probably
too, you're too small.
Lisa : Keep it down.
Michael: Ok, you
were, you're too small.
Or maybe we're too big right?
Maybe I'm too
big, he's too big,
you're a little too small
and we just can't get it in.
But, lo and behold
there is the other hole.
Camera one, camera two,
option one, option two.
Hole number one,
hole number two,
why not go for
everything while we're at it.
And I wanted to do the
fucking Eiffel Tower.
I wanted to the Eiffel Tower so
I'm in the front side and Josh
is in the back side and we're
gonna do the high five on top.
It's like, no, I'm
sorry, we didn't do that,
no offense, it
was, it was college.
Everybody was
doing that in college.
Yeah, well honestly um, I,
sh, pipe it down, sh, sup?
Honestly Dominic, she
is the most amazing,
sweetest, straightest
lady I've ever met.
It's so nice to meet you
and it's so nice to see this,
it's amazing and you have
done such an amazing job,
both of you have done such an
amazing job with everything
you want to do with your
life, you've set out a goal
and you accomplished it.
You're aiming for
something and you have it,
and I wish I had what, and
you're amazing, you're great.
Lisa: Thank you.
Michael: you're great.
Lisa: Thank you.
Michael: Yeah,
you're, I'm proud of you.
I'm so proud.
You're proud,
you're, we're all proud.
We're fucking proud.
You got a pool?
Josh: You were quite
the asshole tonight.
Michael: It's
dangerous to swim alone.
Josh: I'm not swimming.
Michael: You're drunk.
Josh: I'm not
even drunk asshole.
Josh: Is this a game to you?
Michael: No, no I just,
I overestimate what
I can say in America.
Josh: Michael, she's
six months pregnant.
Next to her husband, this,
this whole thing was your idea.
Michael: I'm sorry.
Josh, don't you
want to go back?
Michael: Stop.
Josh: I had too much to drink.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Josh: Wow, this is awesome.
Michael: I guess.
Do you even think
it's worth going?
Like really?
Josh: What do you
mean worth going?
Michael: I don't know,
interacting with everyone?
Like, catching up?
Josh: You could have just
looked up everybody online.
Michael: Yeah, I
would but they don't,
they don't respond to my
messages so, it's not working.
Josh: Whose fault is that?
You dropped off, like you just
stopped talking to everybody.
Michael: Really?
Josh: You left Michael.
Michael: Really?
Josh: Some people might
say that's fucked up.
Michael: Some people, huh?
Josh: Do you even know how
last night was so wrong?
Like it's been
10 years Michael.
Things are different.
Michael: No, God.
Josh: People have changed.
Michael: Josh.
Josh: Not everyone wants to go
back to your bullshit world.
Michael: I don't recall a
whole hell a lot of maturity
from you last night?
Josh: What
happened last night?
Michael: Let's go.
*
*
*
Michael: Hey, hey, hey, let's
do rock, paper, scissors.
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Just one time.
K?
Ready?
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: What is that?
Michael: It's
part of the game.
You'll learn in a minute.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Let's continue.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Michael: Oh, ok, now
see I've got no hands,
I'm gonna call it out ok?
Josh: Ok.
Josh and Michael: Rock,
paper, scissors, go.
Michael: Paper.
Paper, bulldog.
Josh: Ok, what?
Michael: It's bulldog.
It's a Japanese game.
It's fun.
Josh: You're
really good at it.
Michael: I know, I know every
kid always does like rock like
for the first three times.
I win every argument.
Josh: Oh, that's
what every kid does?
Michael: That's what you do.
Josh: Let's go again.
Michael: Ok, ready?
Josh and Michael: Rock,
paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Michael: Ow.
Josh: Yeah, right?
Michael: Did it hurt, did it
hurt when I did it to you?
Josh: Yes it did.
Michael: Ok.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Michael: Take it
off, take it off.
So if I win and you
have something on my hand,
then you gotta, on my
face, you gotta take it off.
Josh: Ok.
Let's go.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Josh and Michael: Rock,
paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Rock.
Bull dog.
Yes, whoo.
Michael: You don't
gotta be a dick about it.
Ok.
Josh: Two out of three?
Michael: Two out of three.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Michael: Fuck.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Michael: Take it off.
Josh: Take it off.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Got you.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Go.
Michael: You gotta call it.
Josh: Ok, I'll do it,
my fault, my fault.
Michael: You have to call it.
Josh and Michael:
Rock, paper, scissors, go.
Josh: Rock.
Bulldog, whoo.
Michael: You don't
gotta rub it in my face.
I was gonna win the next one.
Josh: That is a fun game.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Michael: Yeah, I have a
serious question for us.
Josh: For us?
Michael: Yeah, for us.
Like serious question you
have to answer truthfully.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: No,
seriously, like no,
no hocus pocus
answers, like serious,
what would seriously do.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Ok.
Ok great.
See that opening up there?
What would we seriously do if
some ghost straight up just
flies from there,
starts floating over to us.
You know we're
getting scared, petrified,
like it's a fucking
ghost, they're real.
Who knew?
But he has a knife.
He has a big, shanky
long ghost knife, ok?
Michael: And he flies over
here and puts it up to our
throats and says, me and my
little ghost buddies are going
to kill the two of
you, in five minutes.
But, being as it is that we
believe in a fair fight, we're
gonna give you like five minutes
to get your shit together.
Grab some weapons,
prepare yourself.
Don't bother running to your
car cause the car is gone.
Michael: The
ghosts stole that.
The ghosts stole the car Josh.
So what would we seriously do?
We have five
Minutes to prepare.
Josh: What would I do?
Michael: No, what would we do?
Let's work this out together.
Like first things first.
We need a weapon.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: We'd need a weapon.
Josh: We'd have
to find weapons;
I'll go find weapons.
Michael: Ok, good, where are
you gonna find the weapons?
Josh: Um, down there.
Michael: Down there?
Ok.
Josh: I'll go down there, yep.
Michael: That's
good, that's good.
Josh: In the shrubbery.
Michael: That's good,
what kind of weapon
are you gonna look for?
Josh: I'm gonna get a
long stick that I can swing.
Michael: Ok, ok, good,
we only got like four
minutes now by the way.
Michael: Ok, ok, good,
we onOk good, so.four
Josh: Ok, for you I'd
get like something
small like a sharp rock.
Michael: Yeah,
yeah something sharp.
Josh: You're fast.
Michael: I could like shank,
shank, shank, shank, shank.
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: Really fast.
Wipe em all out, really good.
Josh: Yeah, ok, so I'm over
there looking for weapons.
Mchael: Ok good,
you're over there.
Josh: What are you doing?
Michael: I don't know, um,
that looks like the cave from
like 300, what's the, what
was the battle in that movie?
Josh: The battle in 300?
Michael: The battle of Mopoly.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: It's like a
muppet word, Mopoly.
Ok, I know we got
like three minutes.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Ok, so, I'm gonna
gather rocks to, in that cave.
Gather the rocks to the cave
so that whenever they go into
the cave, we can be on the
other side bashing ghosts'
heads, poof, poof, poof.
Josh: Ok, that sounds good.
Michael: Ok, good, we've
got like two minutes left.
Good, did you
find a weapon yet?
Josh: Yes, I'm over here
and I found the weapons.
Michael: Ok, I can't really
hear you cause I'm over here
and you're over there.
Josh: I found the weapons.
I've got a stick and a rock.
Michael: Ok, that's perfect.
I've got some rocks
and rocks and rocks.
Josh: Ok, so you're, I'm
getting the weapons you're
making the barricades.
Michael: Yeah, and
there's like one minute left.
Josh: They're coming
at, they're coming at us.
Michael: Wait, wait, wait, I
think they're still waiting
they're like
marching in place,
they're getting antsy,
they're getting excited.
Josh: Yes, we
need to charge them.
Josh and Michael: Aarrrgh!.
Josh: We're charging.
Michael: We're charging,
ok, and I've got a rock.
Josh: Yes.
They're, .
Michael: Poof.
Josh: Good.
Michael: One's gone.
Josh: That's one gone.
Michael: There's
like fourteen left.
Josh: And I've got my stick.
Michael: One.
Josh and Michael: Two.
Josh: Three gone.
Michael: Three gone, so
that's four down, eleven to go.
Josh: Four down.
Ok.
Michael: So.
Josh: They're coming quicker.
Michael: So we've gotta
retreat into the cave,
go inside the cave,
go inside the cave.
Josh: They're
swarming, they're swarming us.
Michael: Swarming,
swarmng left and right,
but as they're coming in,
we're knocking those ghosts.
Josh: Another one
down, another one.
Michael: Bam, bam, bam, fuck.
Josh: Another three gone.
Michael: Yeah, but it's
not gonna help you know why?
Josh: Why?
Michael: Behind us, we
didn't even inspect the cave,
there's like a hundred
ghosts on the inside.
Josh: Oh, great.
Michael: Yeah,
fucking surrounded.
The alpha steps up, the
alpha ghost and he's like,
you have a choice.
You fought very
well young warriors.
Josh: Ah, yes, he's
giving us a choice.
Michael: Alright, a choice.
Josh: One of you will
live, one of you must die.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
So obviously I put my hand up.
Josh: I stand up, ok..
Michael: I put
my hand forward.
Josh: I would step up.
Michael: It's gotta be me .
Josh: Why would you step up?
Michael: I like ghosts,
I'd be comfortable
being killed by a ghost.
Josh: You have so
much potential Michael.
Michael: Yeah, but I'm just
wasting it all on this thing
that you call life, so
me, it's gotta be me.
Me ghosts, it's me.
You know, while we're
arguing about this?
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: They just get
really sick of it and
they're gonna shank twice.
They're gonna
shank at us two times.
Josh: Oh, no.
Michael: Just kill both of us.
But, after they shank me, I
fucking jump in front of you,
and then I take your knife.
Josh: Wait a minute.
Michael: I take your shank.
Josh: You've
already been shanked,
how can you jump
in front of me?
Michael: Well, it's
like muscle memory.
Josh: You would still
jump after being shanked?
Michael: Yeah, even shanked
in the head doesn't matter how
I'm shanked, I'd jump in
front, take a shank for you.
Like dead or alive, I, I, I
would take a shanking for you.
Look at that.
Then the ghosts are
happy, they go away,
you're alone, you don't
know how to get outta here.
Josh: That's kinda sweet.
Michael: Look away, look away.
Look away sir.
You cheeseball.
Josh: So what do you
want to do tonight?
Michael: Hmm.
let's stay in.
Josh: I'm gonna grab some ice.
Josh: I was always
so intrigued by you.
Always wanting to be near
you, just to be around you.
It was hard to explain at
the time, I guess it still is.
When we
graduated and you left,
I felt pretty bad about that.
I just, I thought we
had this connection.
It's something that I hadn't
felt with anybody before,
I haven't felt it since.
I've seen people
since college,
you know, just
haven't let them fully in,
I haven't let them
know the real me,
I guess.
I don't think I've ever, I
know I've never been in love.
Don't freak out
or anything ok,
I just, when I think
about it, I think about you,
I think about what we had.
I missed you.
I basically resigned to the
fact that I'm not gonna be as
happy as most of my
friends, all of my siblings,
I just don't see
how it's possible.
I have this
recurring dream of mine,
where I'm living more openly
you know, it feels better.
It feels like this
amazing place actually.
And then I wake up.
I don't think I've ever been
happier than I am right now.
Michael: Do you remember,
how you were ten years ago?
You were a beast.
You were unmanageable.
You're so strong now.
And you're stoic, and
you're relatively relaxed,
I mean I know there's a
monster inside of you that
likes to get out,
but for the most part,
you've like leveled out.
Josh: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah, I
couldn't do that.
The way you've got it
together, I, I can't.
I wish I could, I wish
I could be like that,
I wish I could do what
you're doing, but.
Good for you.
You seem to have a good
head on your shoulders.
This is better, you
have to know that.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Michael: It's cold.
Josh: I know.
Michael: Don't want
to live down here.
Josh: No, that would suck.
Michael: Yeah.
Michael: You know,
that took more than
a thousand years to grow.
Josh: I know, it's crazy.
Michael: Yeah.
If it took you a thousand
years to become something,
what would you become?
Josh: I don't
know, what about you?
Michael: Not this.
Oh my God, can you
imagine, it's like a
children's nightmare in here.
I think if I became anything,
I don't know I think if it
took me a thousand
years to become something,
I think I'd be as I am now.
You know, like,
comfortable, where I belong,
in this cave, not the
cave but in this cave,
with you here now.
Josh: What are you
trying to say Michael?
Michael: Hey Josh, um,
like when we go to my
brother's house, we can't
go telling like college sex
stories and stuff like that.
Josh: I'll try my best.
Michael: No, but I
mean it seriously.
You can't, if you do, I'm not
gonna sleep with you anymore.
Joe: Well, you look
good, a little skinny but.
Michael: Look at
you, you meat head.
I bet you bench your kids.
Joe: All I have time for
is push ups with the kids.
That's all I have time for.
Michael: Oh yeah,
do they do push ups?
Joe: Well, she's two, so she
rolls back and forth kinda.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
Joe: What do you think
about your niece and nephew?
Michael: Yeah.
Joe: They haven't
seen you in awhile.
Michael: I don't
think they recognize me.
Joe: Well you're so skinny.
Michael: Do you
think they'd be better off
in America or in Japan?
Joe: No strong opinions, I
mean we're getting back to
Japan regularly enough.
Yeah, but speaking of Japan,
what do you think about Sally?
Going to Japan?
Michael: She's not
coming, she's not coming.
Joe: She might man.
Michael: No she's not.
Joe : It could be messy.
Josh: Who's Sally?
Joe: Sally is our cousin.
Michael: She's
our cousin, yeah.
Joe: Going to Japan.
Michael: Petulant.
Joe: It's not going
to mix very well.
Michael: She's a
beast, she's a beast,
she'd be the worst part
about Japan if I was in Japan.
Doesn't matter
what season she goes,
she'd find a reason
to complain, right?
Joe: Well, unless
it was like Spring.
Michael: Oh, haname.
Joe: Haname.
Michael: Yeah.
Josh: What's han, han, haname?
Joe: Haname is
springtime, the trees bloom,
Michael: Yeah.
Joe: cherry
blossoms turn white,
it's picnics, it's drinking,.
Michael: Yeah drinking.
Joe: It's women.
Michael: Like women.
Joe: Gorgeous.
Michael: Like
geishas everywhere,
left and right, I
mean not really,
not really, not really, no, we
should just show him a picture.
Joe: Oh yeah,
show him a picture.
Michael: Yeah,
yeah, you're right,
It's better than like
hearing us talk about it.
Joe: Great.
Michael: Great.
Haname.
Joe: Oh, who's this,
I'll take that, Yoko.
Yoko.
Michael: Joe, no.
Joe: I got it, I got it,
hang on I can still read.
Michael: I don't like when
you do that Joe. Joe.
Joe: (Speaking Japanese).
Haruka: (Speaking Japanese).
Joe: What is kay konchski.
Haruka: Kay
Konchski is wedding.
Joe: Wedding, is this you?
Michael: Yeah man, yeah.
Ta da, that's why I'm here.
Joe: Congratulations.
Michael: Thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.
Joe: How long's this been.
Michael: It's been
like two months,
it's not a big deal.
Joe: Two months.
Michael: It's not like
set, like two years.
Joe: Years.
Michael: I mess up my
English, so it's a little.
Joe: I mean it says
neigatz, that's February .
Michael: February,
right, it's February.
Joe: Are you excited?
Michael: I came
out here didn't I,
like look I'm, yeah man.
Joe: Did you know about this?
Michael: No, no of
course he doesn't know,
I mean why would I
tell him cause it's not,
it's not, it's not set.
Joe: So, are you excited?
Michael: Yeah man, like
brother like brother,
like, you look happy,
why wouldn't I be happy?
I'm thrilled, I'm
really excited.
That's why I'm here, da da.
Josh: Congratulations Michael.
Josh: Is it true?
So when were you
gonna tell me?
Michael: It's, it's,
it's something
that's been happening.
I don't know if
it's the right thing.
But she wants it.
Josh: What do you want?
Michael: From you?
Josh: From your life Michael.
Michael: I wish
I was like you.
Josh: I wish you
were like yourself.
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Josh: Hey, how was the trip?
Yeah?
Yeah, we just got here.
I'm gonna have to
give you a call back.
Thanks.
Bye.
Michael: Hey, where you going?
Josh: Fuck you Michael.
[door buzzes]
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Michael: So.
Can we sit?
Michael: We're here.
Josh: You noticed.
Michael: So, I'm not sure
what's gonna happen next.
Josh: It's up to you.
Michael: We came
here together.
Josh: We did.
Michael: So.
Josh: I'm ready,
so, I'm going in.
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