A Little Sex (1982) - full transcript

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ In My Life What I Thought
Could never be ♪

♪ Is Alive And It Is
Better than a dream ♪

♪ Never Thought
I'd surrender to desire ♪

♪ Hey, Hey
Your place or mine ♪

♪ We Have Danced Like
Two moths around a flame ♪

♪ Never Touching 'Cause
We've always been afraid ♪

♪ But I Know What I Need
With you I'll find ♪

♪ Hey, Hey
Your place or mine ♪

♪ Dim The Lights
And pour the wine ♪



♪ If It's Your Place
Or it's my place ♪

♪ I Don't Think
I really care ♪

♪ Just As Long As You
Are there until tomorrow ♪

♪ Is It Your Place
Is it my place ♪

♪ We Can Find Love Anywhere ♪

♪ Think Of Everything We'll
share for all tomorrows ♪

♪ There's So Much That
Devotion has to give ♪

♪ When Desire Makes
Two people want to live ♪

♪ When It Feels Like It's Real
Well, that's a sign ♪

♪ Hey, Hey
Your place or mine ♪

♪ Dim The Lights
And pour the wine ♪

♪ We've Been Waiting
For forever ♪

♪ Now We Know
Where we belong ♪

♪ And As Long As
We're together ♪



♪ We Know
We will be strong ♪

♪ We Know
We will be strong ♪

♪ Love Goes On And On

♪ And On

So what brings you around?
You're my older brother.

There's something I want to discuss
with you. You're in trouble.

Why do you always think that I'm in
trouble? What do you want to talk about?

Oh... Life.

It's a bowl of cherries,
haven't you heard?

You want to talk about
your cherries or mine?

I ran into carol levinson today.
Really?

I thought she ran away to jamaica
with that asshole what's-his-name.

Lionel. he left her.
She wasn't in very good shape.

Michael, if you're about
to apologize, forget it.

I dated her in college.
I don't care whether you took her to bed.

You know something, tommy? Maybe you
don't know me as well as you think you do.

What's wrong with me?
Why can't I have a cup of coffee...

With a woman without winding
up in bed with her?

You want a scientific
explanation?

You send out signals,
like animal odors.

Only yours say, "you are
beautiful, you are wonderful,

you are the only woman
on earth for me."

I have to stop.
Well, I'm sorry, junior.

Science has not developed a cure.
They're not even working on it.

I don't want to be
that kind of person.

Think of it as a birth defect.

Mom had two kids. one scientist and one
a nymphomaniac. That's not funny, tommy.

You think I like spending half my life
in other people's showers? I don't.

I don't like using strange soap and strange
shampoo and running out afterwards with wet hair.

I don't like making excuses and hurting
people, and I don't like feeling guilty.

You know something else? On top of
that, the sex isn't even that good.

Ah, the paradox unfolds.

The sex is not that good but
you always go back for more.

Why, one may ask?
Well, I'll tell you.

It's something every
animal knows deep inside.

What's that?
Even bad sex is good.

I'm gonna stop, tommy. How?

I don't know, but I have to.
Why?

Are you coming to the family picnic sunday?
It's at my house, asshole.

Ah, well, I'll tell you then.

[ Children shouting playfully ]

[ Woman ] All right.
It was a good shot.

That's the way, sarah.
Keep your eye on the ball.

Good girl.
All right.

Nice shot.

Come on, donna.
Come on. hustle.

Come on in, girls.
You okay, donna? Come on.

Listen to me very carefully.

The name of the game is
field hockey, not homicide.

There's no need
to kill the ball.

All you have to do is meet it gently.
The stick will do the rest.

And when you're heading
for the net, remember one thing.

We're gonna win if we play
out of here, not down there.

Okay, that's it, girls.
Good practice.

Hi, baby.

Hey, I was watching
you practice.

Oo, you must have been a hell
of a player in your day, huh?

Hey, you know,
as I was watching you defend that goal,

one question kept
popping into my mind.

Yeah? what was that?

I was wondering if you were half as good
in the sack as you were at that net.

I happen to be
considerably better.

Well, is there anyway I can check this
out, maybe firsthand?

Yeah.
You'd have to catch me.

[ Michael laughing ]

I ran the 440 in college.

I bet you were real fast
in your day.

Well, my day isn't over,
if you care to try.

I hate to humiliate grown men.

I'll make it easy for ya.

I'll give you a five-second head
start, on one condition.

Yeah?
What's that?

If I catch you, I take you.

[ Michael ]
On the spot.

Start counting.

One, two... I said
I was fast, not honest.

Oh.

No, not here!
Oh yes, right here.

You can't!

You always cheat.

And I always will.
As long as I get you in the end.

[ Laughing ]

[ Shower running ]

[ Michael ] Katherine?
[ Katherine ] Huh?

I want to ask you something.
I can't hear you.

Well, I guess it doesn't
matter anyway.

I wanted to know
if you'd marry me.

[ Shower stops ]

- you want to marry me?
- Yeah.

For better or worse,

in sickness and in health?

- Uh-huh.
- 'til death do us part?

Yeah, the whole shot.
The works. what do ya say?

Let me sleep on it.

I just think it's time, that's all.
What do you mean, time?

It's time. it's time
to settle down.

To make a pact
against the world,

to defend ourselves against the
ravages of old age and loneliness.

You don't make it sound
very appetizing.

I didn't say it was appetizing.
I said it was time.

How do you know it's the right time?
Instinct.

Like going south for the winter?

All right, if you don't want
to marry me, just say so.

I think we should
live together longer.

Longer.

We've been living together for years.
Years?

We've been living together
for ten months.

Well, it seems like years.

Ow!
[ Laughing ]

Ow! ooh!

Look, I'm through fooling around.
No more Mr. Nice guy.

I want an answer and I want it now.
Is that a threat?

No, it's a proposal.
Oh.

I would like to know
before the picnic tomorrow.

Why? you gonna make an announcement
in front of the whole family?

I thought I'd pass a note around.
What do you think? Cute.

I think you're rushing me. I am not!
You have 16 hours left.

What's the matter? Aren't you ready
to settle down? Yeah, I'm ready.

I just wonder if you are.
What is that supposed to mean?

Look around, michael.
The world is full of women.

How do you know you won't
find somebody better than me?

Somebody with more style,
more intelligence, more sex appeal.

Where you going? You convinced me.
I wanna keep looking.

Michael, you can look
for the rest of your life,

but you'll never find anybody
better for you than me.

I know that!
That's why I want you to be my wife.

So why didn't you say that
in the first place?

Why don't you just say yes?

Yes. All right, all right.
I'll marry you.

[ Laughing ] Is that what
this was all about? Yes.

Why didn't you tell me then?
I thought you'd tell me that I was crazy.

I wouldn't have said that.
No. No?

I would've used a clinical
term, like temporary insanity.

Thanks a lot.
Michael,

there is such a thing as the fine print
in a marriage contract about fidelity.

You don't have much faith
in love, do you, tommy?

I have faith in love. It's your
mating habits where I'm a little weak.

As far as my mating habits
are concerned, from now on,

they will be restricted
to one woman.

[ Laughing ] Yeah? Yeah.

How do you plan to bring
about this little miracle?

Are you going to tie a knot in it?
Will power.

Will power.
Will power.

Is that the same "will power"
you used to stop smoking?

That's different.
I enjoy smoking.

Why do you always talk about giving it up?
It's bad for my health.

So is adultery,
if you get caught.

Katherine is a nice girl.
You don't want to hurt her, do you?

No, and I'm not going to.

The minute the ring goes on my finger,
I'll never touch another woman.

You think so?
I know so.

Well, as long as you're committed to this,
I might as well take advantage of it.

Here's 82 dollars that says
you can't do it.

That's a lousy bet.
Well, think of it as an incentive.

Sooner or later the temptation
is going to become tremendous.

I don't know how far love can take you,
but I know you would do anything...

Rather than lose a bet to me.
You're right.

[ Woman ] We are nearing
the end of the 20th century.

The war between
the sexes is over.

[ Michael ] You want to
take it from the top?

We are nearing the end
of the 20th century.

The war between
the sexes is over.

A truce has been called
and an armistice signed.

Equality has been won for women.

Right?
You wanna try it again, nancy?

[ Nancy sobbing ]

Nancy.

Look, we're in
no great hurry here.

We have a very rich sponsor.

And as we all know,
great art is not created overnight.

But I'm just not
cut out for this.

I've used up all my savings,
I've gone through unemployment...

And now I don't even have
bus fare back to bangor.

I know auditioning is tough, but you'll
get the hang of it after a few times.

This is my 234th time.
[ Sobbing continues ]

Well, I can tell you right
now what your problem is.

What? You have to stop
taking "no" for an answer.

[ Girls chattering ]

How was your day?
Well, it was long.

It took me all day to convince these taber
tool people to use this girl I wanted.

Another hardship case? Okay, let me guess.
She was an orphan. No.

Her parents were orphans, and...

it was just a little inexperience,
that's all. Well, michael,

if you insist on being the good
samaritan of madison avenue,

you're going to have to learn to take
your punishment with a grain of salt.

I took four aspirin instead.
How was your day?

I told the kids we were getting married.
Oh, yeah?

How'd they take it?
They wept openly. [ Chuckles ]

Speaking of tears,
have you broken the news to wally yet?

We're seeing walter tonight
after the concert. Oh, what fun.

He's bringing his new girlfriend.
Yeah, you know,

I got a hunch he's going to
take it worse than your class.

That's unfair. Walter likes you very much.
Are you serious?

He likes you more than he used to.
He'd like me better dead.

Don't be silly.
Incapacitated, maybe, but not dead.

$2.40. I still don't understand
what's wrong with the one we have.

We're even.
Nothing.

I just think every marriage
should start out with a fresh bed.

I gotta call the office.
Let me meet you upstairs. Okay, great.

How was your day? It was the
easiest first day I've ever had.

No problems, huh?
No, and everybody was so nice.

I'll take her. Let me.
I can use the experience.

All right.
See you tomorrow. Bye.

Hi.
Hi.

It's a wonderful bed
you're looking at. Yeah.

It looks great.

Extremely comfortable.

Why don't you try it.
Thank you.

Oh, I like it.
I like it.

You can lie down.
Thank you.

Oh, yes, this is
very comfortable.

I could fall asleep. It's the
most comfortable bed we have here.

Oo, it looks comfortable.
Oh, it is comfortable.

It's the most comfortable
bed we have here. Really?

- Miss, do you mind if I try?
- No.

Not at all. Okay. Whoo-hoo.

Scoot over.

- Oh, it's nice.
- Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.

I can't really get the feel unless the
covers are up, you know what I mean?

- Excuse me.
- Ah, ah, don't worry.

I'll take my shoes off.
[ Chuckles ]

There.

Ahhh, yeah.

Well, as long as we're in bed
together, my name is michael.

Hi, michael.
Katherine.

Katherine. Nice name.
Oh, thanks.

You know, it's kind of bright
in here, isn't it?

Uh, no, not at all.

Yeah, it's hard to get an idea
what it would be like at night.

In the dark.
I got an idea.

What?
[ Laughing ]

- oh, god. - hey,
did you ever do it in a store?

Uh, excuse me. You can't do that here.
[ Katherine giggling ]

[ Drum rolling ]

♪ [ Classical ]

♪ [ Ends ]

You look so handsome.
You look beautiful.

Katherine was at juilliard
when I was teaching there.

Oh, do you play?
Well, they didn't think so at juilliard.

Don't listen to her.
She's a very fine pianist.

- What made you give it up?
- I didn't. I still play for fun.

I just didn't want to make a career out
of it. I always wanted to teach school.

I got your message.
What's the big news?

Tell him.
Well, uh...

Katherine and I have been
together a long time now, and...

You know how I feel
about katherine.

And, uh, she feels the same
way about me. so, uh...

well, uh...
he's making an honest woman of me.

Well, congratulations.

This calls for a celebration.
[ Michael ] Absolutely.

Uh, waiter.
We would like a bottle of...

champagne.

Your very best champagne.

Excuse me.
I'm out of cigarettes.

Uh, excuse me.
I think I'll go powder my nose.

All right, walter, the truth.

- I'm very happy for you.
- You don't approve, do you?

Approve? I think that's
your father's territory.

Walter, I really wanna know what you think.
It's very important to me.

I think...

Marriage is a very difficult
proposition these days.

There seems to be a shortage of what my
mother used to call "marriage material."

You don't think I qualify?
It's michael I'm worried about.

Sneaking one?

No, I was out.
Do you mind?

I didn't think people who
played wind instruments smoked.

They don't.

I have two a day.

One after a concert
and one after sex.

Ah.
What about you?

Me, I uh...
Smoke constantly.

I try to quit once a month,
but I can't seem to put 'em down.

Well, the body rebels when you
try to deny its basic needs.

Never thought of it that way.

You must admit
there's something very...

Erotic about smoking.

The way a cigarette feels
between your fingers,

the way it touches your lips.

I even dream about them occasionally.
Yeah, me too.

Sometimes,
in the middle of the day,

I'll get the most
uncontrollable urge.

I'll go into my room and turn out
all the lights and smoke a pack.

Thought you only smoked
two a day.

I cheat.

It won't bite.

How does it feel?
Strange.

The fit.
Oh.

Well, it's too tight.

Doesn't look too tight.
Well, it is.

It makes me feel claustrophobic.

Sir, you've tried on
every size we make.

Perhaps you should let
your psychiatrist fit you.

Just give him an extra large.
He has to be able to get it off fast.

Hello there.

I've been waiting for you.

I want to talk to you
about your bed.

[ Giggles ] For years people have
been buying mattresses to sleep on.

But let's face it,
we do a lot more in bed than sleep.

"Downon" was developed with
just that in mind.

Made from a special blend
of soft canadian goose down...

And fortified with strong
american nylon.

So if you want to get
more fun out of bed,

get downon.

For people who do more than sleep at night.
[ Giggles softly ]

Cut it. okay, everybody,
that's a wrap.

[ Downon girl ] You all right, michael?
Yeah, sure. why?

You seem very tense today. Yeah.

You're full of tension.
Are you worried about something?

As a matter of fact, yeah.
I thought so.

Okay, lay down on your stomach.

Why? I can see the tension in
your back from 50 feet away.

Come on.
Down on the floor.

Down, down, down.

Oh, yes.
[ Moans ]

Fibers like steel.

Very, very tense.

All right, relax.

Close your eyes.

- Oh, boy.
- What's the matter?

I found a big hard one
right here in the middle.

Do you feel that?
I think so.

Well, don't you worry.

We're gonna get it softer...

And smaller.

Softer and smaller.

Softer and smaller.

Dad, what time is it?

I'm sorry.

All right, katherine.
You and your father can start now.

Sorry, I'm late.
I got held up at the office.

I'm sorry.

Glad you could make it.
I got tied up at work.

I'll bet you did. Why is it you
always think the worst of me?

Science is the art
of observation.

You've got lip gloss
on your ears.

All right, everybody.
Take one. here comes the bride.

Nothing happened before the rehearsal.
Don't get so defensive.

Fidelity takes time.
You've got six days to practice.

I'm under a lot of pressure, but I'm gonna go
through with this, so don't try to change my mind.

I wouldn't dream of it.
I love katherine. She loves me.

We belong together. Love is apples.
Marriage is oranges.

Not everybody can stomach
fruit cocktail.

Well, I plan to learn.
[ Laughing ] How?

Do you have a plan? Do you have a strategy?
Do you have anything?

Do you plan to push through life like a bull in
a china shop and hope you don't break anything?

Maybe I should see a doctor.
What for?

I mean a psychiatrist.

What do you need a shrink for? You've
got me. You haven't been a lot of help.

I've given this matter a great deal
of thought in the last few days.

I've come up with
a very interesting approach.

Well, tell me!
I'll try anything. Good.

The first thing I want you to
do is get a notebook. What for?

Every time you see a woman that particularly
appeals to you, put her down in the book.

What do I put down? Everything. her name,
vital statistics, personality traits.

Everything that appeals to you about her.
Draw a picture, I don't care.

The point is to make an
experiment out of it. Why?

Because, numb-nuts, by subjecting
your appetite to scientific scrutiny,

you get to analyze it.

And by analyzing it, you remove all the eroticism.
You reduce lust to a set of statistics.

It's like smokenders.
Precisely.

That's a brilliant idea.

I'm not the brains in
this family for no reason.

[ Woman ] I like that.
[ Katherine ] Why?

Well, it has lovely lines.

It doesn't look right on me.

Try it without cleats.

I hate it. What do you hate?

The whole thing. You get in front
of a church full of people...

Looking like snow white,
when everybody knows...

That the chances of the marriage lasting
more than eight years are one in ten.

I never knew you to have
such a head for statistics.

Look, I'd just like
to have a trial run.

I thought that's what
you've been having.

Well, I'd like a longer one.

Just what exactly
is worrying you?

How do you live with someone for the
rest of your life and keep it exciting?

[ Laughing ] I see.
What do you see?

We're not exactly talking about the
high standard of housekeeping, are we?

We're really talking about the
choo-choo in the tunnel, aren't we?

Oh, mother, that's
an awful expression.

- but that's what you're worried
about, isn't it? - no.

It's not just that.

I'm just afraid that after we're
married, everything will be different.

Oh, a needless worry.
It will be.

See.
Well, what do you expect?

It's inevitable,
like growing old.

The summer of youthful romance gives
way to the winter of... Married life.

You make it sound like death.

It is, in a way. Oh, don't worry, dear.
It's a happy death.

Pull your skirt down.

[ Bells ringing ] [ Tommy ]
Oliver, it stinks.

The whole idea stinks.
Are you seriously going to market this?

[ Oliver ]
We can market anything.

Oh, photographs. Everybody,
let's get together for the picture.

[ Indistinct chattering ]

[ Cheering, laughing ]

Too much. too much.
Follow me.

[ Cheering continues ]

See you at the reception.

Okay, bye.
Bye.

[ Horn honking ]

Michael?
Hmm?

Do you really think
we're gonna make it?

I think it's customary
on the wedding night.

I don't mean that.
I know.

Well, are we?

We'd better.

Why?

I got money on it.
Oh.

Sandy.
Michael.

Hi.
How are you?

I'm fine. How are you? Okay.
Okay. You look good.

Thanks. You too. Thanks.

I heard you got married.
Yeah. about six weeks ago.

I was so shocked.
Why?

Whatever made you
decide to do it?

Well, you know.
It was just time, that's all.

Are you telling me if I'd hung in there a few
more years, I'd be the new Mrs. Donovan?

The fact of the matter is I just
happened to find the perfect wife.

Yeah? she let's you
fool around a little, huh?

Oh, no, no, no. I, uh... I don't do
that anymore. That was the old me.

Let's have lunch sometime,
for old time's sake.

Sure.

I'm in the book,
under the same old name.

Okay.

Hi. How was your day? Hi.

Not so good.
How was yours?

Well, it would have been a lot better if I could
figure out a way to get the girls to nap.

That shouldn't be too hard.
No, well, it isn't.

I could always use chloroform.

Why don't you read to them?
It doesn't work anymore.

I don't know. it's the electronic age.
If it's not on tv, it doesn't exist.

Linguine?
Yeah.

I'll go change my shirt.

[ Whirring ]

Dinner in five.
You hungry?

Not really.

Have you been eating at the office?
No, why?

You seem to have lost your appetite
the last few weeks. Have I?

- this is the kind of thing that
breaks up a marriage. - what?

When the husband stops eating
the wife's cooking.

I love your cooking.

It's not that. I...

I don't know what it is.
I just haven't felt so great lately.

Yeah, you haven't been
sleeping well, either.

I hear you mumbling
in the middle of the night.

- What do I say?
- I can't make it out most of the time.

- Oh, but last night, I did hear something.
- What was it?

- "the bets are on the table."
- oh.

I bet tommy
I could quit smoking.

Oh.

♪ [ Chimes Playing
"Mary had a little lamb" ]

♪ [ Chimes Continue ]

[ Birds twittering ]

How's the experiment going?
Well, I'm getting writer's cramp.

Yeah, but it's working, isn't it?
Yeah, I guess.

- so, what's the problem? - I feel
like I'm not the same person anymore.

"A new man," I believe,
was your phrase.

But I'm not the person
katherine married.

I'm wondering... Maybe I'm doing
the marriage more harm than good.

You mean if you don't start fooling
around, you may wreck the marriage.

I got to hand it to you, kid. That is the best
rationalization I have ever heard in my life.

Come on, tommy.

What's the big deal about
a little extra sex anyway?

In the first place, there's no
such thing as a little extra sex.

That's like calling Alaska
a little extra state.

And in the second place,
how do you think you'd feel...

If katherine started
fooling around?

You wanna know something?
I really don't think I'd care.

Not as long as it
was quick and meaningless.

Quick and meaningless.
Yeah.

Like an hour or so every couple of months?
Yeah, I guess.

Would she be allowed
to have an orgasm?

That's part of sex.
Yeah.

And what if they came together,
her and Mr. Quick and meaningless?

That's part of sex, too,
on a good day.

Now let me get this straight.

You honestly don't mind
whether katherine has...

Half a dozen good solid hours
of sex each year...

With men that she
casually encounters?

All of them
potentially terminating...

In simultaneous climax.

You're very broad-minded, michael,
not to mention completely full of shit.

[ Seal barking ]

[ Telephone ringing,
typewriters typing ]

Well, joyce said you wanted to see me.
Yeah, oliver.

I want you to put something
together for me. A new account?

No, this is something for my
wife for her class at school.

Now, I put down
the general idea here.

It doesn't have to be too elaborate, but if
you have the time, I'd like to do it today.

Well, uh, I'll get right on it.
Great.

Oliver.
Yeah?

Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.

You've been married
a long time, right?

Fourteen years.
[ Laughs ]

You ever have a problem
with other women?

How could you...
how could you tell?

Well, I couldn't.
But we do work around a lot of women.

I know, and that's
the least of it.

You should be out on the streets.
It's just a jungle out there.

I don't know what's happened
to women in the last few years.

They come right up to ya, they say things. it's
unbelievable. They're like men used to be.

It's a whole new ball game.
It really is.

What do you do about it?

You know, it's a matter
of pride with me.

If a woman I don't know tries to talk
to me, I just look the other way.

If there's one thing I refuse
to be, it's a sex object.

[ No audible dialogue ]

[ Sighs ]

Sneaking one?

Philomena.

This is the first time you've been with another
woman since you got married, isn't it?

Yeah.

I noticed you had a rough time
getting your ring off.

Don't worry about it.

You'll get the hang of it
in no time.

Hey.

You forgot your cigarettes.

Tell me the occasion
and I'll give you the flower.

How about the first time
I cheated on my wife.

Scissors.

Hi, michael. Don't look.
Don't look.

All right. All right.
I got a surprise for you.

Great. I love surprises.

Okay, you can look.

Oh, terrific.
A video cassette.

Of what?

I taped a fairy tale to put
your little girls to sleep.

Oh, thanks.

You really had me worried
there for a minute.

Why?
I thought it was flowers.

Hello, girls.
My name is Mr. Sandman,

and I am here with a story
to send you off...

To dreamland.

[ Woman ] How did he
know that would work?

[ Katherine ]
He understands women.

It must be wonderful to have
a husband that thoughtful.

The story is called the cat
and the mouse in partnership.

[ Katherine ] He's always doing
such spontaneous, unexpected things.

I never do anything
like that for him.

I wish for once I could really come
up with something off the wall,

something spectacular.

Why don't you?
I'm lousy at surprises.

Whenever I want to surprise
harry, I show up at his office.

That's not much of a surprise.
Naked?

You're kidding?
No, he goes crazy.

You don't wear anything at all?
A trench coat and a smile.

[ People chattering ]

That's great. But I want more bubbles.
I want twice as many bubbles.

More bubbles.
I want bubbles everywhere.

You got 'em. This is great.
Glad you like it.

It's the wife. Line one. Thanks.

Everybody relax. take five. Nick's
gonna reload the bubbles. Then we go.

Hiya. [ Katherine ] You busy?

No, things are very calm here.

I just wanted you to know
your story went over big.

Ah, that's great. Would it be too much
trouble to make another one by tomorrow?

No problem. I got all
the stuff right here.

You got anything special in mind?
Rapunzel? Sleeping beauty?

Whatever you pick will be fine.

Um, I'll be finished
here around seven.

I'll tape the story.
I'll be home by eight.

I love you.
I love you too.

[ Moans ]

Thought everybody had left.

I bet you did.
You want me to lock it up, mike?

No, I'll do it when
I'm finished.

Good night, howie.

Nighty-night.

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing continues ]

Hello, girls. This is the sandman
again with another story for you.

Today's story is entitled...
[ Blows ]

The 12 dancing princesses.

"There once was a king
who had 12 daughters,

"each one more beautiful
than the other.

"And at night,
when they had gone to bed,

"the king locked the door
and bolted it.

"In the evening, when bedtime came,
he was conducted to the anteroom.

"As he was about to go to bed,
the eldest princess appeared...

Bringing him a cup of
wine." [ Clattering ]

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, howie, that you?

Hi. it's me.

Me who?
The taber tool girl.

My god, nancy barwood!
I didn't recognize you.

Well, I'll take that as a compliment.
I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Oh, uh... no, I always run
around like this. [ Chuckles ]

I called your office.
They said you were here.

I just wanted to thank you
personally for everything you did.

I didn't do anything.
Oh, yes, you did.

You're looking at the new drainaway girl.
I'm guaranteed 12 spots a year.

Nancy, that's great.
Congratulations. Thanks.

But it wouldn't have been
possible without you. Ahh.

That's not true. Oh, yes, it is.
It changed my life.

But thanks to you,
I've got something I never had before.

What's that?
Tremendous, unstoppable self-confidence.

I didn't have anything to do with that.
Oh, yes, you did.

You taught me the most
important lesson of my life.

What's that?
Never take "no" For an answer.

Michael!

Katherine!

It's not what you think.

I didn't mean
for anything to happen.

I was just taping a story.

I wasn't thinking!

- [ Crying ]
- let me explain.

Please!

This is very hot.
Very hot.

Thanks.

You can stay here
as long as you like.

You can have my practice room.
I don't use it at night.

- won't philomena mind? - no.
There's nothing serious between us.

In fact, apart from music and sex,
we thoroughly dislike each other.

[ Crying ]

Kathy? kathy.

Kathy.

[ Crying continues ] Go ahead.

Just cry.

[ Birds twittering ]

Here. good for you.

Thanks.

[ Sighs ] I owe you 82 bucks.

What for?
The coffee's free.

We had a bet.
Remember?

Don't be pathetic
this early in the morning.

It's over, tommy.

I've lost katherine forever.

This is not the time
to throw in the towel, my boy.

It's no use.

[ Sighs ]
You were right.

I am no good.

I never should have gotten
married in the first place.

Come on, I wanna
show you something.

[ Grunts ] Take a
look at phil here.

He's one of your ancestors.

Of all the apes,
who do you think has the biggest brain?

Man.
Man, right.

And of all the apes, who do you
think has the biggest sex organ?

Him.
Wrong. man.

Man has the biggest brain and the
biggest sex organ, all in the same body,

only they don't belong together;
they're natural enemies.

What do you mean?

For scientific purposes, let's call the
brain "albert" And the pecker "duke."

You got that?

Now, albert and duke
inhabit the same body.

Oh, let's say yours.

Albert has a lot of INTERESTS: His
work, sports, etcetera.

But duke has only
got ONE: Sex.

But that's okay, as long as you're single.
That poses no problems.

But one day, albert decides
he wants more out of life.

So he brings a girl home...
let's call her katherine...

to meet duke.

Now duke is not all together
excited about the idea of marriage.

But albert, being the more
clever of the two, convinces him.

"Duke," he says.
"Duke,

"you can have her every night.

I'm only interested
in the days myself."

So duke jumps at the deal.

So they get married and they
live happily ever after, right?

Yeah. things go smoothly
for six weeks or so.

Then duke starts
to get a little restless.

He tells albert
he wants to renegotiate.

"I can't do that," says albert.
"Marriage is for life."

Duke gets upset.

"That may be all right for you,
pal, you've got other interests.

But me, I'm stuck with a menu with
only one dish on it. Good-bye."

So, albert stands by helplessly and
watches while duke starts to fool around.

Well, of course it doesn't take
long for katherine to smell a rat.

And she approaches albert
and she says,

"I'm leaving."

"But, katherine,
I love you," says albert.

"Oh-ho. I love you too," Said katherine.
"That's not the problem.

I married both of you, and
one of you is not good enough."

And off she goes
into the sunset.

How am I ever gonna
get her back, tommy?

Time will probably take care of that.
Right now, you have a much bigger problem.

What? How to convince
duke to honor the deal.

[ Grunts ]

[ Katherine ] "Once there was a
poet who could make up songs...

"That would entice
the fish from the sea,

"the birds from the sky and
the worms from the ground.

[ Children ] eew. "The words he
sang were as magical as any spell.

"One day, the queen's daughter
fell into a sulk.

"The queen sent for a poet.

'Your majesty, ' he said bowing very
low, 'can I be of your service?'"

The sandman.

- [ All ] hi, Mr. Sandman.
- Pamela, quiet.

I'll be right back.
[ Girl ] You're so handsome.

[ Children laughing ]

Okay... What
is there to say?

It was just sex?

Michael, that it didn't mean anything?
It didn't.

Well, it did to me!

Look, katy,
I understand how you feel.

Well, if you did, you wouldn't be
trying to talk to me right now.

[ Car horns honking ]

I owe everything to a guy named fred patterson.
He cured me. Who's fred patterson?

The guy marie
had an affair with.

I didn't know about that.
How'd you find out about it?

Found one of the letters he wrote.
He was a big letter writer.

Disgusting stuff. How he wanted to
lick her feet forever, stuff like that.

He was an all-around disgusting
little letter-writing creep.

Wasn't even particularly good looking.
So what was the attraction?

He was attentive.
I wasn't.

It's never very complicated. In 2000 years,
nobody has come up with a new reason to cheat.

You just fall into
somebody else's category.

What did you do
when you found out?

Well, I went through
several phases.

[ Blows ] First one was crying.
I cried a lot.

Phase two, as I remember it,
was anger and frustration.

Very nasty phase.
I must tell you...

Whatever katherine does in this
phase you can't hold against her.

It's likely to be...
Somewhat violent.

I deserve anything I get.

Believe me, you won't feel that way at
the end of phase two. What's phase three?

Decision time.

The wound is almost healed,
reality sets in.

You got two options HERE: You can
stay married or you can get a divorce.

In our case,
we decided to get back together.

That's 'cause
you loved each other.

No. because we punished
each other enough.

Oh, we love each other.
That was never the problem.

What I'm talking about is
something entirely different. What?

First law of the JUNGLE:
Balance of power.

[ Girls shouting ]

Come on, girls, drive it down the field.
Let's keep the game going.

Keep your sticks down.
Let's go.

Okay, defense, get the ball back.
Come on, cindy, get in there!

[ Girls continue shouting ]

- what are you doing here?
- Uh...

your mother called last night.

Five times.
Okay, francisca!

What did you say to her?
First time she called,

- good move!
- I told her you were in the shower.

The, uh...
keep your stick down, joan.

The third time she called,
I said you went to the movies.

Last time she called,
which was 2:00 in the morning,

I said you went on a field trip.

- Oh, that was clever.
- Well, what was I supposed to do?

Tell her the truth?

I don't think
you're capable of that.

Look, katherine, why don't you think
about coming back on a temporary basis?

Look, I could sleep
on the couch!

Then at least
we could talk about this.

[ High-pitched scream ]

Oh, god!

- [ Crying ] - Back up.
Back up now. Gimme some room.

Let her... that's it.
Sue, are you all right?

We saw what happened.
Where does it hurt?

My arm hurts everywhere.
Ohhh.

Should I call an ambulance?
No, look.

I can take her to fred bernstein
before an ambulance can get here.

Look, I'm gonna pick you up,
sue, okay? okay?

[ Crying continues ] That a girl.
There we go.

Come on.
There we go.

[ No audible dialogue ]

Can I get you a cab?

I'd rather walk.

Can I walk with you?

I don't think so.

Good night, michael.

Night.

Michael, I can't talk to you
because I don't know what to say.

When I figure it out, I'll call.

[ Children chattering,
laughing ]

Kate, darling!
[ Sighs ]

I happened to be in the neighborhood
and thought you'd like to go shopping.

Shopping or fishing? Let's have coffee
and you can tell me all about it.

I don't wanna talk about it.

You have to.
I'm your mother.

I'm not interested in the sorted details. I
just wanna make sure you're not overreacting.

Mother, I walked in on him with his
choo-choo in somebody else's tunnel.

What did you do?
What do you mean?

I mean, what... did you yell at him?
Throw something at him?

Did you faint?
I just left.

You mean you turned around and walked out?
More or less.

You mean you ran. What difference does
it make? How I reacted is not the point.

How a woman reacts in a situation
like this is very much the point.

It's hardly the way
I would have reacted.

Well, you never been in that situation,
have you? Well, of course, I have.

When you were nine years old, I walked
in on your father and a Miss jeckman.

Miss jeckman?
Mm-hmm.

My third grade teacher?
That's right.

They were having their own
private PT.A. Meeting.

What did you do?

We discussed it, intelligently,

like two adults who were very much in
love and wanted to have a long marriage.

And then I broke
every bone in his foot.

You're kidding.
I am not.

Remember that antique bulldog,
the one we used for a doorstop?

The one made of lead? Yes, that's the one.
I just dropped it right on his ankle.

Mother.
Never did set quite right. no.

You never wondered
why he walks with a limp?

Well, he always told me
it was a war wound.

Hmm. well, I guess
it was in a way.

Marriage is very much
like a war.

The victory is just
making it through alive.

You've got to be ready to make a crucial
decision. The thing is, o nce you get into it,

What's that?

Whether to surrender,
or whether to stay and fight.

We are gathered here today...

In the presence of the
fruits of the world...

To join in holy matrimony
this kiwi...

And this mango.

♪ [ "Wedding March" ]

So, what do you think?
I think I'm gonna throw up.

Mike, what's the coverage total?
Everything in sight.

He just loves it!

It's absolutely fabulous.

Fabulous.

[ Katherine ] Michael.
Katherine.

I hope I'm not interrupting you.
No.

I've been thinking about everything
and I finally realized...

That it wasn't just the act
itself that really bothered me.

It was the dishonesty behind it.

Katherine, I'm sorry. you don't know how
sorry I really am. But there was a reason...

michael! I don't need
to know why it happened.

The important thing is
that it did happen.

And there's nothing you can
do to make it "unhappen."

Maybe in the scheme of
things it was a small lie.

But right now, I'm not sure
if it wasn't all one big lie.

[ Knocking ]

[ Whispers ]
Get.

[ Unlocks door ]

Katherine's not here.
[ Michael ] I don't believe you.

[ Chuckles ] You don't have a choice.
Don't I?

What are you doing? My wife's here.
I wanna talk to her.

No. If you don't, you'll never put a violin
to that chin without thinking about me.

[ Katherine ]
Michael.

It's all right, walter.

Do you want me to call the police?
That's okay. I'm fine.

Sorry to barge in here like this but I have
something very important to say to you.

It couldn't be done
over the phone.

What you said today
about my being dishonest,

I just want you to know I think
you're absolutely right.

I have been dishonest with you,
very dishonest.

And not just since
we were married.

We have been together
for two years and three months.

You know how many women I've
been with during that time?

- I don't care. - well, you may not
care, but you should know!

To the best of my knowledge,
this is a complete list.

I've added the dates and circumstances
wherever I could remember.

The ones with the stars
next to them are the repeats.

Katherine, I'll do anything you want me
to do. you want me to talk to somebody?

I'll talk to a priest,
psychiatrist, marriage counselor.

Anybody.

Just tell me what you want me to
do, I'll do it.

Katherine, I'll kill for you.

I'll die for you.

Please.

Say something.

[ Sighs ]

Michael.

[ Groaning ]

Maybe you'd like me to call the police.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Doorbell ringing ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Moaning continues ]

[ Loud knocking ]
Coming.

[ Groans ]

[ Clears throat, coughing ]

Want some coffee? No, thanks.
I'm not staying long.

What time is it?
Oh, it's about 7:30.

Ooh. did you
bring up the paper?

No.

Are you all right?
[ Straining ] Yeah. yeah. I...

no broken bone party for me.

Look, I'm sorry I lost my
temper like that. [ Groans ]

I don't blame you.

It wasn't the list, you know.

It wasn't?
No.

It was the idea that you
could think I was that stupid.

What are you talking about?

The other day I told you what bothered
me so much was the dishonesty.

Well, the fact of the matter is I've
been just as dishonest as you have.

I knew what you were doing
the whole time.

You did?

I didn't have any proof
or anything,

but there must be a seventh
sense for something like that.

I always felt it anyway.

Why didn't you say something?

[ Sighs ] Because as long as I kept
quiet, I didn't have to admit it.

Oh, we were the perfect couple,
each living our own separate lies.

So you see,
it's not just your problem.

I have to start learning
to be honest with myself.

And I honestly don't think
we can make it work.

- Now, katherine, don't...
- let me finish, please.

[ Quivers ]

I didn't think I could ever
consider a life without you.

And I still don't know if I can.

But I have to try.

I'm filing for divorce.

Oh, jesus, katherine.

I can change.

I know I can change.

Please.

Just gimme one more chance.

I promised you I'd
never let this happen.

You promised me a lot of things.

[ Car horns honking ] [ Oliver
] The sponsor killed it.

That's tough. I have a new idea.
Do you want to hear it?

Oliver, I don't think I'd make a very
good audience right now. Why not?

I just found out
I'm getting divorced.

Oh, no.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, god, I know
just how you feel.

Believe me, the only answer
is just go away for a while.

From my experience, divorce has a half-life
of about six months and that's it.

I thought you were married
for 14 years.

Yeah, but not to the same woman.
I've been married three times.

You're kidding.
No.

That's the good thing
about marriage.

It's the only real cure
for divorce.

By the way, a little girl stopped in
and dropped off this package for you.

Oh. did she have
a cast on her wrist?

Yeah, yeah, she did.

Well, I got to go,
so see you later.

See ya, oliver.

[ Sighs ]

♪ [ "Wedding March" ]

♪ [ Continues ]

[ Slams piano,
keys droning ] [ Crying ]

[ Walter clears throat ]
Hi.

I think maybe you should stay another
week or so. It'll be easier then.

It'll never be easy. If I don't move out
now, I may not have the nerve tomorrow.

I'm gonna Miss you.
I'll be in the neighborhood.

[ Chuckles ] It won't
be quite the same.

Do you wanna talk?

No, I don't think so.

I'll be in bed reading
if you change your mind.

Thanks.

[ Flips switch ]

[ Groans ]

[ Clears throat ]

Hello, girls.
This is the sandman with a new story.

Before I leave tomorrow, there's something that
I've been wanting to ask you for a long time.

What's that?

Well...

um... [ Clears throat ]

Uh... Why haven't you ever
tried to make love to me?

Oh, boy.

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's none of my business.

No, no, no, no.
It's a fair question.

I have asked myself many times.

You have?
Sure.

But, uh, we've always
been friends.

And friendship...

Usually precludes sex.

Well, it doesn't always.

You don't have to be
in love to make love.

Kathy, I never thought you were the
kind of person to make that distinction.

Well, I think
it's time I learned.

And you've picked me for your teacher.
You were in the neighborhood.

[ Both laughing ]

If we went to bed,

you think we'd still
be friends in the morning?

We might be better friends.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Doorbell ringing ]

[ Loud knocking ]

[ Ringing ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Groans ]
[ Ringing ]

Jesus.

Walter, I'm sorry to bother you so late.
I have something for katherine.

I'd like to give it to her.
You picked a bad time.

Katherine's in bed...
With me.

[ Soft moan ]

I guess I should
have called first, huh?

I brought this for school.

♪ [ "Mary Had A Little Lamb" ]

What are you doin'? Changing phil's tire.
Gonna move him to a radial for winter.

What's new? I've come to a very
important conclusion about my life.

Oh, you've decided to live with the truth.
You're an animal and you always will be.

I'm an animal with a brain. Not a very
big one, maybe, but a brain nonetheless.

I was thinking more about what you said about
duke. about how to get him to honor the deal.

You threaten to cut him off.

No, I reasoned with him. I presented him
with something he couldn't argue with.

Oh, yeah. what's that?

Simple arithmetic.
Take all the women,

all the one-night stands,
all the instant gratification,

when you add 'em up...

They're not worth one minute with
somebody that you really love.

My boy, allow me to congratulate you.
You've done it.

There's only one thing wrong.
What?

I did it too late.

Come on.

[ Children shouting ]

Mrs. Donovan, can we have
the sandman today?

[ All ]
Please?

Okay.
[ All cheering ]

[ Excited shouting ]

If you can lie down
and be very quiet.

[ All ]
We will. we will.

[ Michael ] Hello, girls.
This is the sandman with a new story.

It's called the story
of albert and duke.

Once upon a time,
deep in the forest...

Lived a couple of snakes
by the names of albert and duke.

Now even though
they had a very good life,

something seemed to be missing.

And one day they finally
realized what it was.

They needed a friend
to share their life with.

So off they went
the following day,

slithering through the forest
searching for a friend.

But they didn't
find one in the forest.

So they journeyed beyond
until they came to a big lake.

And what do you think
they saw standing by that lake?

But a beautiful princess.

Duke wanted to approach
her immediately,

but albert couldn't believe that a princess
would want to live with two snakes.

But duke finally convinced albert
that it was all right to try.

So they went up to her
and they talked to her.

She was very nice.
She put them both at ease.

And finally they decided
to pop the question.

They asked the princess
to come and live with them.

And to their happy surprise,
she said yes.

"On one CONDITION:

That you promise never
to turn your backs on me."

Well, this was such a simple condition
that they both agreed immediately.

And off they went into the
forest to set up house.

Albert and duke were happier
than they had ever been.

And the princess
seemed happy too.

Then one day something happened.

Albert wanted the princess
to go for a walk with him.

But duke wanted to lie
in the sun with her.

And the princess suggested
that they play leapfrog,

but duke didn't want to.

He wanted to climb
a tree instead.

And so finally, albert and duke
decided to step outside and settle it.

And out they went into the forest,
where the argument raged...

For hours and hours,

with albert making one
suggestion and then duke another,

until finally it was dark
and they were both exhausted.

At this point, albert said,
"I got an idea.

Let's let
the princess decide."

Duke agreed, and they both
rushed back to the house.

Whey they got back to the house,
they discovered that the princess was gone.

They searched all over t he house
but she was nowhere to be found.

And finally, they saw
a note on the pillow.

It said, "dear albert and DUKE:

"I was very happy with you,

"but a promise is a promise.

"I'm sorry.

[ Sighs ]
"But I have to leave you.

"Good-bye,

the princess."

Albert and duke
were very unhappy...

Because they had
been thoughtless.

But... Even though
they had broken their promise,

they believed they could do better
if she would ever come back.

So they decided to wait.

And to this day, if you go into the
forest, you'll find them waiting.

Because although...

A promise is a promise,

even snakes deserve
a second chance.

I just came back
to explain last night.

- You don't owe me explanations.
- I wanted you to know it wasn't revenge.

[ Soft chuckle ]
I was kind of hoping it was.

It was curiosity
more than anything.

I wanted to know what it was like to have
sex with someone you weren't in love with.

I wanted to see if that kind of
sex was better than the other kind.

Was it?
It wasn't exactly better.

But I'd be lying
if I said it wasn't good.

What was so good about it? All right,
I take it back. I don't wanna know.

You know already.
That kind of sex is just different.

More uninhibited.
More selfish.

More physical.

Walter was more physical
than me?

Well... No.

I guess I was.

- you saying it was better
with him than me? - no!

It's just that with that kind of
sex, you wind up doing more.

More.

What more did you do?

I don't know.
Everything.

Everything? you never
did everything with me.

Whose fault is that?

Are we talking about
the same "everything"?

Well, I can at least speak
for my everything.

Given your vast experience, I'm sure your
everything is a whole lot bigger than mine.

You know everything that I know.

I learned even more last night.

As good as that kind of sex is,
it's not worth giving up a marriage for.

So, if you can forget
about last night,

I suggest we try it again.

I can forget. can you?

- I'll try.
- So will I.

[ Sighs ]

You know, as painful as it
was, I'm glad you got even.

Even?

You call 18 to one even?

Well, you can't count what
happened before we got married.

Let's make one thing very clear
so there's no confusion next time.

Everything counts. You look at
another woman, don't hit my ribs.

Including the naked vacuumer back
there, and I'll see to it...

You host the biggest broken
bone party in history; your own.

You got a deal.

Don't think it's gonna be
easy, michael. I don't.

I'm not the same person you
married last time. Good.

Then you shouldn't have
to cheat anymore. What?

I want a real five-second
head start this time.

Starting when?

Now.
One Mississippi,

two Mississippi,

three Mississippi, four
Mississippi, five Mississippi.

Ooh, michael!

- Ow!
- You all right?

No, I'm not all right!

Good.

I said we could start over.
I didn't say it would be painless.

♪ ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman
Bring me a dream ♪

♪ Make Him The Cutest
That I've ever seen ♪

♪ Give Him The Word
That I'm not a rover ♪

♪ Then Tell Him That
His lonesome nights are over ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman
I'm so alone ♪

♪ Don't Have Nobody
To call my own ♪

♪ Please Turn On
Your magic beam ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman
Bring me a dream ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman
Bring me a dream ♪

♪ Give Him A Pair Of Eyes
With a come-hither gleam ♪

♪ Give Him A Lonely Heart
Like pagliacci ♪

♪ And Lots Of Wavy Hair
Like liberace ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman
Someone to hold ♪

♪ Would Be So Peachy
Before we're too old ♪

♪ So Please Turn On
Your magic beam ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman
Bring us ♪

♪ Please, Please Bring Us ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman
Bring us a dream ♪

[ Meows ]