A Good Job: Stories of the FDNY (2014) - full transcript

WOMAN: Yes.

Thank you, Steve.

MAN: Camera speed.

David, you good?

Full speed.

OK. We're good.

♪

Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Steve.

How are you doing?

Good. Have a seat.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming.

Thank you

for having me.

Appreciate it.

Have a seat,

you old so and so.

Heh heh.

Oh, sorry.

I keep banging

into the camera.

How's my hair?

WOMAN: Perfect.

Great.

I had this urge

to just turn around

and go the other way,

just leave, you know?

It was weird,

and uh--but, you know,

you can't do that.

No. I had the exact

same experience.

The captain said,

"OK, Stevie,

we're going in."

And when he said,

"We're going in,"

I thought

he was crazy.

I was like why would

we go in there?

That was the first

thing I thought.

I thought,

"No. we should

be going out."

[Sirens]

All these people

that we see die,

it wasn't in their plan

for that morning.

People woke up,

they take their shower,

they have their coffee,

right, just like

we do every day,

and then something

tragic happens,

whether it's a fire

or an accident,

and you're dead,

or somebody who's

really important

to them is killed.

You know, one day, that's

gonna be our morning.

We're gonna all get up

one day,

and it's gonna be

our last day,

and we have no idea.

[Siren]

WOMAN: We need

the fire department

at 515 Rockaway Boulevard.

What happened,

ma'am?

Seems to be

a very thick fire

and flooding by 115th.

We'll have someone

one the way.

Oh, good.

It's rising.

The water's still rising.

♪

BUSCEMI: I was

a New York City firefighter

for only about 4 years back

in the 1980s.

What I didn't realize

then was how much the job

would stay with me

and be a part of my life.

Even today when

big events happen

like Hurricane Sandy,

when so many people

lost their homes,

including a lot

of firefighters,

we all come back together.

It's like a family.

♪

BUSCEMI: How are you

and your guys holding up?

Uh, we're doing--

we're hanging in there.

We'll all bounce back.

They will,

they will bounce back.

Good thing the shack

is there though,

it didn't get

washed away.

[Laughter]

All right, man.

Have a good

Thanksgiving, brother,

I'll see you

later on.

We'll see you.

MAN: I'll never forget,

right after 9/11,

looking over--

you were by yourself,

and you were digging,

and you had that

old scraffy helmet on

and an old jacket,

and I said,

"Man, that looks like

that guy from Con Air,"

I think it was. Right?

Was "Con Air" out?

And somebody goes,

"That is.

He was a fireman

at 55 Engine."

I said, "Get

the fuck out of here."

I had no idea.

[Siren]

[Laughter]

Hey, you guys. Hi.

There he is!

Oh, you brought dessert?

Oh.

What's up, buddy?

How you doing?

How you doing?

Good. Hey, Ken.

How you doing, Steve?

How are you?

Good to see you.

I'm not hugging you.

I know. He'll stick

his tongue in your ear.

You got to watch him!

I see him on the street.

I'm sorry, Joe.

Listen. I see him

on the street,

I go to hug him,

he gives me a kiss.

Yeah, you got

to get over it.

What we deal with now.

You regret your decision

not coming back, Steve?

I don't know. I'm still

thinking about it.

You get all

the medical benefits!

BUSCEMI, VOICE-OVER:

I had no designs on

being a firefighter.

I had some vague idea

about becoming an actor.

It just, uh,

you know--I was sort

of directionless.

Same way, I was

the same, way Steve.

I remember saying

to my dad,

"Oh, I never thought

about being a firefighter,"

and he said,

"Oh, it's a good job.

He said, "You should

take the test," so...

In my family,

I have 3 brothers.

Whatever civil service

test came up when

we turned 18,

we just had to take it,

and I was lucky

that for me it was

the fire department.

♪

MAN: All firemen are appointed

and promoted

under civil service.

Applicants are required to

pass a written examination,

strenuous

physical agility tests,

and are subject

to close medical scrutiny

before acceptance.

It all begins

at the probie school.

The probie, more

dignifiedly known as

a probation fireman.

[Sirens, whistle blows]

Here the probie is

introduced to all phases

of his chosen career.

MAN: Uncover.

Let's go.

Sometime today, men.

Chin up.

Yes, sir.

What is wrong

with this picture

right here, son?

I forgot to secure

my gear, sir.

You forgot to secure

your gear.

Yes, sir.

And why is that?

I didn't

double-check, sir.

You didn't

double-check.

No, sir.

I'll deal with you

later, son.

Yes, sir!

Aye, sir!

Yes, sir!

BUSCEMI: So

what was it about

the fire department

that made you

want to join?

I'm like the little kid

who said he wanted

to be a fireman

but actually meant it.

I've always wanted to

be a firefighter.

Uh, my school was right

down the block

from the firehouse that

I'm working in right now.

Get down!

Get down.

Heads up, heads up.

Heads up!

We are a team.

We are only as strong as

our weakest individual.

Down!

One!

Down!

MAN, VOICE-OVER: I was

on the police department list,

and I was the corrections list,

and the fire department,

and I just thought

about it.

I go like, "I'm not

really a gun person."

♪

MAN, VOICE-OVER:

I had seen a couple of fires

when I was a youngster,

and I was impressed,

impressed because

I'm standing

across the street and looking

at this volume of fire,

and then I said, "Wow!

They put all that fire out,

saved lives."

Very dramatic.

As a young, red-blooded

Brooklyn kid, I said to myself,

"Wow! That's

pretty exciting."

F-D-N-Y, strength,

honor, courage!

MAN, VOICE-OVER:

Well, my interest

in the fire department is

in my blood.

My father was

a firefighter,

my father in-law was

a firefighter,

my godfather was

a firefighter,

and I do think probably half

my cousins are firefighters.

I was encouraged to be

a firefighter myself,

but I'm not that brave.

MAN: I think it's

in our blood.

The itch is there.

I think my father kind of

planted a seed you know.

Two of his older

brothers were

firefighters,

and they kind of led him

into being a fireman.

It's in my blood. Heh heh.

My grandfather was

a firefighter

and then my father.

I don't know

if I had a choice.

My brother Tommy

had already been

a firefighter,

and my brother Timmy and I had

actually taken

the test together.

MAN: My father sent

the application

into the fire service.

I took the test,

one of the first tests

I ever passed.

But he made us--

you know, not forced us

to take the test,

he recommended me

"You should take

this written test.

Just in case,

use it as backup."

BUSCEMI: And I thank God

that my father steered me

in that direction because

I really had no idea

what the job was about

and what I was getting into.

[Alarm ringing]

MAN: Second alarm.

Second alarm.

We have a...

BUSCEMI: Do you remember

your first job?

I was terrified.

They say your knees knock.

physically, my knees

were knocking.

I said to myself,

"You made a gross error."

I was actually

praying that there

wouldn't be a job.

MAN ON RADIO: Box 935 at

the address 536 8th Avenue.

JONES: The call comes in,

the alarm goes off,

your adrenaline starts

right then and there,

cranked up to the max.

MAN ON RADIO: Fifth alarm has

been transmitted for Brooklyn.

MAN: Well, anybody that says

they're not scared,

they're full of shit,

OK, because, you know,

you should be scared,

and that's what keeps you alive.

MAN: To confirm, that's

6 engines and 2 tower ladders?

JONES: There's trucks,

and there's engines,

you know, which I really

didn't know the difference

till I was in probie school.

The truck is basically tools,

and there are ladders,

and they do search

and entry and ventilation.

Well, the engine is--

they have the hose.

They hook up to the hydrant,

stretch the line,

and bring the water

into the building.

♪

WOMAN: I like to say the engine

is the most important

because we have

the water,

and without the water,

you can't put the fire out.

Nozzle, the nozzle.

That's the holy grail

right there.

My first year, I was assigned

the can position in the truck.

The can is the 2 1/2-gallon

water fire extinguisher,

and you carry

the can and the hook.

It's amazing what you can do

with that little can.

And I was just--like,

I struggled to get my mask,

to get the can, to get--

you know, I didn't even

know where

the lieutenant went.

The other guys had to

say, you know,

"This is where--

you're going in here."

MAN ON RADIO: 10-4.

Status on the fire?

DIFFERENT MAN:

Still doubtful.

WAGNER: You're rolling in,

you smell it first,

you're a couple of blocks away,

you know you've got a job.

[Siren]

MAN ON RADIO: A sixth alarm

has been transmitted.

JONES: You want to have

a good job.

You don't want to have,

you know, like, a little

one-room, stove-top fire.

You want to have, like, you know

one or two rooms going.

you want to put out

a lot of fire.

When they say,

"good job" that means--

I don't really know

how to put this--

that they got

their butt kicked.

You know what I mean?

That means it was

a really tough fire.

MAN: This is an

all hands message,

5 ladder transmitted.

DUNN: What you want to see

is flame because

with the smoke you don't

know what's gonna happen

because smoke could explode.

Smoke is keeping you

from getting to the flames,

so once you see flame,

you know you got the fire.

You're basically--

you're looking for fire.

DUNN: And as the smoke and heat

subsides, you keep going.

If the smoke and heat

doesn't subside

and that fire comes out,

you don't go.

GORDON: There's a certain amount

of intuition involved

in firefighting...

[Locator chirping]

where you have to feel

what's going on.

DILLON: Once you cross

that threshold,

that camera has

no business being there

because it'll be useless.

If you close your eyes--

and that's pretty much

about what it is.

You can't see anything.

Literally you could put your

hand up in front of your mask,

you couldn't see anything.

In my day, you had to

have 20/20 vision.

First couple of fires

I went to I said,

"Why do they demand that?"

Because you can't--can't

see anything.

♪

DUNN: See, fire has a sound.

You know, it's a roar.

When you open that door

and the windows are

broken or vented,

you know,

that's a roaring fire.

You could hear that.

DUREN: I think one

of the things that I could say

about fire,

it's very seductive.

You see the fire roll

over the ceiling

above you,

and sometimes it mesmerizes you.

WAGNER: You start crawling

in that doorway.

You hear the crackling.

"Is it past me yet?

Is it in front of me?

Where's it going?"

You're listening for fire

and the crackling noise

to find out where you're going

or if there's victims

calling out.

They're fearful,

they just want out.

Uh, we're trying to get in.

We're trying to

make headway.

You feel what's going on

by urgency

in people's voices,

if there's a lot

of urgency and messages,

you know, and the tone

is changing.

[Indistinct chatter]

Go across in the back.

It's absolutely incredible.

Like, you don't even think

that your brain

can work that fast.

♪

I mean, I love it because,

you have to, like--

it's the one time when

I feel really focused.

Guys! Don't lose

her, guys!

Don't lose her!

You never have it 100%.

I had a wakeup call

a couple of years ago.

It was like a perfect storm

type of situation.

It was an arsonist running

around in Woodside,

they had a deck

behind the house.

The guy had lit up

the deck,

you know, not a big deal,

all outside of the building.

It's about 11:00

at night,

and I'm like,

"We're gonna run upstairs

and check the bedrooms,

make sure no one's asleep."

I'm up there one minute,

everything's fine,

and the next minute,

it's like it's piercing heat

that has me flat

on the floor, paralyzed,

unable to move,

and, you know,

I was trapped

at 33 years on the job.

I'm like, "How did this, like--"

It was a wall of fire outside,

trying to shut the door

to the bathroom,

there's stuff in the way,

there's, like, a rug

on the floor

and all this stuff.

It's, like, red

from floor to ceiling.

You know, I'm thinking

to myself, "I can't believe it.

"Like, after all

of this I'm gonna die

"in this stupid bathroom,

on the floor of this bathroom.

"You know, after

all this time,

like, how did I get

into this situation?"

And in my head I'm like,

"Well, you know, they know

"you're here,

they know you're here.

Just breathe."

And then all of a sudden,

there was a shift

in the temperature,

and it started to drop,

and I knew the line was

on the way,

and they were coming up,

and the water came.

I mean, um, it was OK.

JONES: When it's all over,

you think to yourself,

"Let's do it again.

That was pretty good."

NOLAN: You come back

from a fire,

you sit at the kitchen,

you break

each other's balls,

but the serious part was

you talk to each other

about what you

did at that fire

because everything is

about bringing the new guy up.

DUNN: Guys will say,

"Well, job's changing."

Job does change.

Headquarters changes,

the equipment changes,

but the firehouse kitchen

does not change.

BUSCEMI: Can you just talk

a little bit

about the culture

of the firehouse

and what

the kitchen is like?

There is no culture.

And why is--ha ha ha!

That's

the wrong word.

Talk about the low culture

of the firehouse.

JOE: Steve was happy

to see me

because for 8 months

you were the junior man,

having your balls busted

by these guys

until I came here,

and then you had

somebody's balls to bust.

I didn't know what

ball busting was

until you came

on the job.

[Laughter]

When I saw what

they did to you...

Ha ha ha!

I thought, "Wow!

I had it easy

I had it easy."

But, remember uh,

Phil O'Mara.

Oh, yeah.

He was hanging out

one day, right?

And I come in,

and you guys introduce me,

and he looks at me,

and says,

"What'd you do before you

got on the job?"

I said, "I was

a furniture mover."

"You were a mover?

What did you

move, flowers?!"

We knew you had an act,

we didn't know you

were an actor, though.

ESPOSITO: It's just part

of the tradition

of the fire department,

you know, because you're

living with these guys,

you know, you're

working with these guys.

I'm dependent on you,

you're dependent on me,

you know, to make sure

we go home tonight.

So you want to see

where this kid is,

and you want to see

how much he could

get involved

and take the abuse,

but it's usually not

abuse-buse.

It's just all good fun.

Uh, you put powder

in the bed.

You put, like, baby powder

on the pillow

for at night,

so when he lays down,

you know what I mean,

the powder's--

there was a really good one.

We used to take 4 soda cans

and put it on the 4 ends

of the bed,

under the bed

where it sits on the floor,

and it was so strange.

The guy would get

in the bed,

and nothing happens,

and around 3:00, 4:00

in the morning,

I guess his weight

would build up.

The bed would collapse down.

As we used to say,

"There's a lot of love

in this room", you know,

even when--ha ha--

it's just the opposite.

I can remember one time,

um, I walked into the kitchen--

my house had been robbed

the day before,

and I walk

into the kitchen,

I'm feeling down,

and I look on the board,

and it says, "For sale."

Everything that was

stolen out of my house

was listed

on the board "For sale,"

and I realized, "Oh, my God."

That's that dark humor

that gets you

through the tough times.

See, when you go into the

kitchen of the firehouse,

it's actually you're going

into your doctor's office.

You're going to your

contractor's office,

you're going to your

psychologist's office,

the baby doctor.

Whatever you got going on

in your life,

there's somebody in the kitchen

that knows what to do.

You know they say,

"The ways of the world are

solved in the kitchen,"

and it's true.

Every time.

So we should be eating,

like, around 10 P.M. tonight?

CASSANO: The families at home

that eat together,

they say, are closer.

It was the closeness,

that camaraderie,

you know, that second family

aspect of the department

that really hooked me.

Anybody can call takeout.

When I came

in the fire service,

my mother would

make me my lunch,

and the guys would say,

"You in or out?"

You know,

"You in a meal, or out?"

I'd go, "Oh, no. I'm in."

I wouldn't eat

my mother's lunch.

You know, I mean,

that's excommunication.

There was parties

for everything

in the fire service.

You know, there was

a party for a promotion,

a firefighter going

off probation,

20-year retirement.

BUSCEMI: The best call

to get is from Martha,

and she says,

"Uh, boys night out is..."

I love this, Martha going,

"Boys night out is..."

"Are you going, Martha?"

"Yeah, yeah,

I'll be there."

"OK."

MARTHA: I wasn't sure,

but I was like...

BUSCEMI: So how did you

come to take the test?

Actually,

I saw a poster in

a Vietnamese restaurant

at Pike Street,

and I didn't

really know--

I was just working

as a secretary

at the time,

and I didn't

really know--

like, I knew I

wanted to do something,

but I didn't know

what it was,

and I guess it was

like an ignorance is

bliss situation

because, like,

I didn't know much

about the job,

but like, I figured

"Oh, I can do that."

So it worked

out well for me.

It did.

MAN ON P.A: Fire alarm

at Hudson Park Library.

Second unit

for a smoke alarm inside...

I don't know if you can

measure the difference

between 1982 and today.

I don't think that

there's a word

that is big enough to encompass

how great it is now.

GOLWAY: When women were allowed

to take the test

in New York in 1977,

there was great resistance.

You cannot emphasize enough

how much resistance there was

from the all-male

fire department.

JONES: It was the seventies,

it was Helen Reddy

singing, "I am Woman."

And I thought, "What

do you mean women

couldn't take the test?"

My father was

a firefighter.

When I first said I was

taking the test, he said,

"Maybe your sisters

but not you,"

and I was at the time

a secretary in Manhattan

at a bank,

not making any money.

I knew that these guys

all raised families

on a civil service salary,

I was raised on one,

and I didn't picture that

happening as a secretary.

Going to work at 7:00

in the morning,

getting home at 7:00 at night,

and making no money

was not really

appealing to me,

and you know even the guys

in the neighborhood

that I knew who were

firefighters,

they were very happy.

I wasn't happy being

a secretary.

It was just something I did.

♪

So, you know, I thought

this could be something

actually worthwhile to do.

DUREN: I really wanted

to make history.

I wanted to make

history in New York City.

WOMAN REPORTER: In 1978,

the only time women were tested

for the fire department,

all passed their written tests

but failed the physical tests.

Brenda Birkman thought those

tests were biased and sued.

The physical was, like, a bunch

of crazy, different tasks.

You know, some

of them made sense,

some of them didn't.

Basically, the judge--

Sifton--decided that,

well, they should make

the fire department physical

representative

of what a firefighter does,

pulling hoses,

raising ladders,

dragging dummies,

forcing doors.

Once they announced what

the second test was gonna be,

I thought I could do that.

DUNN: Muscles were what

young men--that's all we have

when you're

young and stupid.

You join the fire service.

So when that was taken

away from us,

that was part

of the anger.

DILLON: That was a biggie.

My attitude was that,

"OK, I really don't like

the idea of this,

"people are coming

into the department

sort of sideways."

DUNN: It was handled

badly by the city.

They just threw those

women out there

in the fire houses.

Young men have difficulty

being assimilated

into a firehouse.

The women were not

given a break.

Oh, no. I was not like

every other probie,

absolutely, positively not.

It was definitely

a hostile work environment

for a very long time,

and not by many

but just by enough.

I really craved to, like,

have my bunk floured

or to have, you know,

a bucket of water dumped on me

because that would have

meant I was one of them,

and that never happened

in my first firehouse.

♪

A lot of things were just cruel,

out and out cruel.

You know, if I went to a fire,

sometimes they would say,

"Oh, this is your last one."

Somebody urinated

in my boots.

Some people came to work

thinking they would just

make my life miserable,

and they did.

Every probie,

every new firefighter

has to prove himself

or herself.

However, that said,

there's no question

that black firefighters,

women firefighters

have had to prove

themselves in ways

that white male firefighters

have not had to.

BENJAMIN: When I went to--

initially went to Rescue One,

I was one of the first

black firemen to go there.

When I went and spoke

to the captain,

and he says, "Well you know,

maybe some guys,

you know, might be prejudice,"

or something like that.

So I said, "Cap," I said,

"well, that's their hang-up.

It ain't mine."

Now I figured it out.

He was checking me out to

see where I stood with it,

you know what I mean?

And I didn't realize

that at the time.

Right now,

I still get on the rig,

and I could still walk out

there in the area,

and you have

some people going,

"Wow. This is

the first firefighter--

black firefighter

that I've seen."

Of course today, you know,

the fire department

of New York is still

more than 90% white.

You know how timing

is everything in life?

I came at a time

when civil rights

was coming into play,

so as an African-American

in the black community,

I got sent to schools that

were all white schools

to be able to

integrate them,

so I was always the first

at doing something.

It was the time

that I came along.

So that helped me actually

in the firehouse.

JONES:

I got promoted in 1994,

so it was 12 years later.

Accomplishing that

meant a lot to me.

It really did.

I went from, like, liking

my job and doing my job

to loving my job

and loving this department.

♪

Firefighting is like a war.

You're in an uncontrolled,

deadly environment.

BUSCEMI: I want to

talk about a fire

that I know

that you were at that

before 9/11 was one

of the biggest loss of

life for firefighters,

The 23rd Street fire.

I was a lieutenant

in the 33 Engine,

an all hands came

in for box 598.

We were assigned

on the second alarm.

GOLWAY: Just around the same

time that Engine 33 pulls up,

Company 18 pulls up, too.

Chief Reilly tells

Engine Company 18

"OK. Listen. get a line

into Wonder Drugs."

Tells Engine 33

"You cover the exposure."

Now I stand there,

I look in the drugstore,

the light is on

in the store.

There's a light wisp

of white smoke.

I said to

the firefighter,

"There's nothing here,

let's get around

to where the action is."

So we go around

to Broadway.

Now what Engine 18 did is

they walked to the back

of the drugstore.

Now they're standing

on top of the basement

of the building on 22nd Street,

and this building had

a art frame business,

and they had drums

of lacquer varnish

and thinner

in the basement.

What nobody knew is

that business was so good

in that art frame store

that they broke

through the cellar

of the building on 22nd Street

and took over the back third

of the building

on 23rd Street.

The Wonder Drugstore

had what they called

a terrazzo floor.

It's a marble

finished floor,

and this thick 5 inches

of masonry insulated

the heat of that fire.

And suddenly an entire

section of the terrazzo floor

collapsed right

into the fire.

[Crash]

When the floor collapsed

and all those firefighters

fell in it,

it compressed the fire.

The ball of fire and heat

and smoke come roaring out.

GOLWAY: 12 firefighters

died that day,

and the guys

in Engine 33 lived.

DUNN: I often wonder

what if those orders

were reversed,

if Chief Reilly said,

"33, you go

into the Wonder Drugstore."

I'm a young kid.

I didn't understand

what was going on.

I mean, you lost

so many firefighters.

I remember going home

that morning after being

there all night,

recovering all the bodies,

and I jumped into bed.

I was exhausted,

and my little daughter

2 1/2 years old comes

running in,

jumps into bed

with me and snuggles up,

and I said, "Well,

there's a lot kids

who are not gonna have daddies

to snuggle up to anymore,"

but then I fell asleep.

Well, I make deputy chief

10 years later.

I'm in the Bronx,

7th Division,

commander up there,

and I start to write

these training manuals

for tactics and strategy,

and then I start to write

about building collapse,

floor collapse,

wall collapse,

ceiling collapse,

stairway collapse,

and I can't stop writing

about building collapse.

And I tell my wife,

"I feel like I'm vomiting

this stuff out."

I realized then that was my

posttraumatic stress debriefing.

I held it in

for 10 years,

and then I wrote it

in a book,

floor by floor and

wall by wall collapse.

So that's how I

exorcise my demons.

DUREN: We're a little more

not as attached

in a lot of ways.

We can go to a fire,

and when we walk away,

somehow, you just kind of

just put it

in the back of your mind,

and you keep going on.

[Siren]

When you're a firefighter

in New York City,

the war is on fire,

and it's never ending.

REPORTER: 6 New York City

firemen died in Brooklyn

when the roof...

BUSCEMI: I remember

the Waldbaum's fire.

I just saw the headline,

and, you know, some sort

of denial set in where

I didn't really want to know

about that part of it.

I do remember thinking

about it like,

"Yeah. We're gonna be,

you know, firefighters."

I don't think I

really comprehended

what we were getting into.

[Bell ringing]

[Sirens]

CASSANO: There's a lot of

departments that are aggressive.

I don't think there's

anybody as aggressive

as New York City.

It's part of the way

we were brought up.

The people that went

through the war years with me,

they built the basis

for what we have today.

It's on the backs

of those people that went

through the most

difficult years we've had.

BILL MOYERS: It happens

30 times a day.

Someone is burning down

a building--

a landlord for profit,

a tenant for revenge,

junkies, vandals.

Arson is our fastest

growing crime, affecting...

More than 11,000

firemen were injured

fighting those

fires last year.

NOLAN: If it's tenable,

you're going in.

If you're getting reports

that there are people in there,

you know, you're gonna

make that move,

regardless of what's going on.

I mean, you can't think.

You got to get in there.

You got to act.

Aggressive attack,

aggressive attack,

and that's the best

way to fight a fire--

aggressive.

McQUEEN: We hadn't went

through anything

that they went through.

We went through a couple

of jobs here and there

where you thought your

life was on the line.

They went through

a couple of jobs a day

where their lives

were on the line.

NOLAN: They came from the war.

Most of the men were

World War II veterans,

you know, Pacific, Europe.

CHUCK DOWNEY: Our father,

he came on 1962.

He went

through the war years,

the sixties and seventies,

and he didn't talk

about his experiences

until I came on the job,

and then he opened up.

Not a whole lot.

You know, he still had

that marine--

That's when Mom told

him "That's enough.

Let's move on

to something else,"

but I got to see

him in action.

Yeah. I was a probie,

and I couldn't believe

how fast he was

at a fire.

You know, no mask,

no front piece on,

no breathing apparatus,

so I said,

"I'm gonna try this."

We start moving in,

and I just hear him talking,

"15 feet, back to the left,

down the hallway,

the room's on the right."

I had to follow him,

you know, like a duck

following

their mom around.

I just followed him

everywhere he went.

And now I'm pushing in,

I'm coughing,

I'm hacking up a lung.

My face is probably

on the ground,

trying to breathe.

and I couldn't hang

with him.

I'm taking hits, hits,

you know,

and, he's just talking

like it's a walk

in the park.

He said, "Get

in the apartment now."

I said, "All right."

So we go, open the door,

get in the apartment.

The whole stairway

collapsed,

the interior

stairway collapsed,

and that was

probably the only thing

he said, "Get in

the apartment."

His nickname was "God,"

you know, which

is kind of a big

nickname to carry.

♪

BROWN: When you look

back at 1967

when my father got

on the fire department,

they had come out with this

new technology called a mask,

and you could put it

on your face,

and you could breathe it

in smoke.

Now, most people would say,

"Wow! that's great technology.

"We all got to use it.

When do I get mine?"

When they insisted

that this mask be used

on a regular basis--

car fires, this,

and everything else--

I remember--I think I was

a captain at the time--

and I said, "What are

we turning into?"

Nobody wanted to use it

because if you were caught

with a mask on you were

looked upon as a coward.

BROWN: Firefighters,

given the work that we do,

we have to think

we're invincible

because when you walk

through a door

and there's fire

on the other side,

if you make a left you live,

if you make a right you die,

that's a subconscious decision

that you're making

that not too many people

can handle.

♪

DILLON: I was relatively new,

and I worked Friday night,

and early in the morning,

we had a loss of life.

This is 49 years ago,

and it was my first,

a mother and child.

The thing that struck me

with that particular fire

was that the bed had

the same sheets

that my son's bed had.

It was about 3:00

in the afternoon,

tenement fire on Pitkin Avenue.

It was a loss of life

of a child in a crib,

and it was tragic,

and I'm looking around,

and I'm saying,

"What do we do now?"

Fire's over, we go home.

I don't know.

I think I was just sort of

like, a little numb.

I mean, I think I've

always been sort of removed

a little bit, like

a little bit distant from it.

I mean, um, I guess

it's my mechanism.

I came home,

and my wife was packed,

ready to go.

We had booked to go

up to the Poconos

Friday, Saturday,

Sunday night come home,

and on the way home,

my wife is saying in the car--

she says, "It's over,

the marriage is over."

She says, "We're not

talking, you haven't"--

and I realized.

I said, "Honey, no, no.

I love you as much now as ever,"

and I said, "but I didn't

tell you what happened."

And so I described

to her what happened,

and she said, "Oh, my God."

I pulled the car over

off the road,

I broke down,

which was at the time,

I thought, inappropriate,

but now I look back,

and I say, "No.

That's what you--

you're a human being."

♪

BROWN: When you know that

it's a cumulative effect,

all these different

traumatic events

that firefighters

are exposed to...

and eventually it becomes

too much for some to deal with,

which we have to

understand is

what we're putting

these guys at risk for.

CALLER: People are

burning up!

OPERATOR:

What's the name

of the club?

I don't--I don't know.

McKEON, VOICE-OVER:

The Happy Land fire

was certainly something

that would haunt me.

BUSCEMI: Did you

know that it was

a social club

when you were

going there?

Did you know

that there--

No. Uh...

You really had

no idea then

what you were

gonna find?

No. I thought that

it might be--

it might not be

anybody in there.

[Sirens]

OPERATOR:

They're coming out

running from where?

CALLER: They're coming out

running from the club.

There's only one exit

in this motherfucker.

MAN ON RADIO:

We have multiple 10-45s

on the second floor.

McKEON: You couldn't see,

so we didn't see

the rest

of the second floor,

but after a while

as more companies

were coming up the stairs

from the interior

of the club,

from the first floor

and it was becoming

more well lit,

you could see, you know,

there was people

all over

the second floor.

A lot of people looked

like they were just sleeping

because nobody

was burned,

and you didn't see.

Like up there, we didn't

see people who had a lot

of soot necessarily

on their face.

The first person

I removed,

a--a woman,

and I still remember

what she looked like,

and you could see

that it was too late

for everybody.

And that's when I made--

you know, I decided

I'm not gonna, you know,

look at people's faces

if I don't have to.

♪

WAGNER: The arsonist,

he had just had an argument

with his girlfriend,

who was the hat check girl,

and he was really disruptive,

the bouncers

had to throw him out.

He threatened them,

"I'll be back.

I'll fix you guys."

He did come back.

So he opens that door,

splashes the gasoline,

the inside door

was closed,

and he throws a couple

of matches down

and then walks away.

WAGNER: The superheating gases

and smoke from the gasoline went

right up the wooden stairway,

and it just killed them

right in the spot.

At the bar, at tables,

people on the dance floor

just fell on the floor,

and it was still lightly smoke,

and the guys were

in there,

and they were saying,

"The floor is awful soft,

it's spongy.

It might be

ready to collapse."

They were standing

on the bodies

of the people who got killed.

McKEON: You see people

like a battlefield,

just bodies laying

all over the place.

87, uh, altogether.

I remember thinking,

you know,

I didn't want to

be there anymore.

There was nothing

more we could do,

and, um...

WAGNER: Trauma is

an amazing thing.

You can't put 10 pounds

of shit in a 5-pound bag.

Somehow along the line,

this is gonna pop out,

in stress, in road rage,

you're gonna bring it home.

If you can't talk

to anybody in the family,

where is this

stuff gonna go?

You can't really talk

to somebody outside of the job

about things like that.

You could talk

to another fireman about it,

but I wouldn't bring

that home to my wife.

Do you think that

there are still

firefighters

out there that are

reluctant to seek help?

It's not a part of

the everyday firefighter's

lifestyle

to ask for help.

"What do you

need help for?

"You can't take it?

"You can't take

the death,

or you can't take

the stress of this job?"

"Don't feel sorry

for yourself.

"Nothing happened to you.

"You didn't lose

your life,

"you didn't get hurt.

"You don't need

this, you know?

Somebody else needs this."

♪

It was a full moon.

I remember the night,

the stars.

You could smell it

in the air.

We knew we had a job.

I was the inside team,

I was the can.

These guys were

very diligent about,

well, there might be

somebody in there.

So we ran

into the building,

we searched every floor.

We got up to the top floor,

there's a room,

the dead man's room,

that the officer or we

always have to go check

because there's only

one way out of the room.

If you don't take

the doorway,

you got to go

out the window,

and I noticed that

the fire escape

had been set on fire.

As soon as I walked

to the middle of the room

to follow the officers

and them,

there was an explosion.

I never saw

light like this.

MAN ON RADIO: Need an ambulance,

need an ambulance

at the location.

And that's when I was

like, "Oh no, no, no."

Because, you know, when

you're standing

from the fourth floor

and you're looking down

and there's nothing

but cement,

that's a long way to jump.

I didn't realize

I was on fire, OK?

I had that new bunker gear.

I was cooking in it.

It was like I was like

some beef in the oven cooking,

and I didn't know,

and when the fire

started up my neck,

it snapped me out

of my shock,

and I just closed my eyes,

and I stood in the window

and jumped.

DUREN ON RADIO:

Fourth fucking floor.

DUREN: Then I never opened

my eyes again.

MAN ON RADIO:

Bring them here!

The EMT guys were

saying, "Open your eyes,

talk to us."

but I thought I

was in heaven.

I know it sounds silly,

everything I'm saying to you.

I didn't expect

to live after that.

I really didn't.

The guys were telling

me how lucky I was

because the firefighters

that had showed up

put their bodies

in the way

so that when I jumped

I didn't break anything.

[Sirens]

I spent, like, 3 months

in the burn center

here in Manhattan.

I had skin grafts,

I had third degree burns

everywhere,

and then I was

a little crazy after that.

Posttraumatic stress set in.

I was seeing people

that we had been in fires,

dead people,

and little dark areas,

or certain lights hit you,

and it all comes back.

It's just like being

a soldier at war.

You always ask why me,

but you know if you've been

on the job long enough,

you're gonna get hurt.

Your time comes around.

♪

BUSCEMI: On that day,

you know, when you hear

the number of causalities

of the civilians,

yeah, I just wasn't even able

to understand it

until I heard the number

of firefighters,

and the first number that

came in that I heard was

they were estimating that

100 firefighters were killed,

and that to me

was unbelievable.

I didn't know who,

but I knew I was gonna

know people, you know,

and that's when it

became real for me.

JOE DOWNEY:

We knew he was working.

I think he even said

on the radio,

"this is

a terrorism act,"

my dad did over the air.

He knew what

he was getting into.

JONES: I was actually

on vacation,

and I was in New Mexico

with my husband,

and when

the buildings came down,

I turned

to my husband, I said,

"I think everyone

I work with is dead."

So--sorry.

And basically,

that was true.

Almost everyone I worked with

who was working that day died.

So...

JOE DOWNEY:

And I recall walking

down West Street,

you know, and seeing

the devastation.

and walking up

to Chief Cruthers,

who was my dad's boss

at the time,

and I said,

"Where's my father?"

And then he's like--

he just shook his head

like this,

put his head down.

He's like,

"I don't know Joe."

Joe was in that area

when I first got there.

We met eyes, and you know,

he shook his head,

so I knew what he meant.

HAKELL: It was about 1:00

in the morning

I found out both my brothers

were, in fact, working,

so, you know at the time,

I just told my mother

that they were just

listed as missing.

I knew they weren't

gonna be alive,

but until we found

something of them,

I didn't want to take

that hope away from them.

BUSCEMI: On September 12,

I knew I wanted to go and help,

So I rejoined

my old company, Engine 55,

and went to the pile

with the rest of the guys...

and we all just

started digging.

I brought

my video camera.

From Engine 55,

there were 5 guys missing,

but we all kept looking.

♪

DILLON: Your day consisted

either of two things,

either going back to the site

recovering bodies, pieces,

or going to funerals.

MAN: You just brought

back a memory.

When we found a guy,

it was a good day.

Yeah.

Because, you know, you

felt you gave closure

to another family.

You just think like,

"Wow. That's a good day?"

BUSCEMI: In the end,

the remains of 4 of the 5

fallen members

of Engine 55 were recovered

for their families.

♪

JONES: It was never-ending

in the firehouse.

It was like you--I mean,

people would come by,

you'd have these buses

pull up, and, like,

you know, 32 people

from Pennsylvania want to

sing you, you know,

Christmas carols.

Church groups came

to pray with you.

It was long, long days,

and you really almost

never escaped it.

It felt like every day you

were reliving it somehow.

My new best friend,

was Mr. John Walker, OK?

Some people call him

Johnny Walker,

and he was my companion.

Intellectually, I knew

what I was doing,

but I just needed--

I felt I needed a cushion.

343 of the firefighters,

2,750 people.

One day, one event,

and I just couldn't process it.

McKEON: I felt it was

in a way, like, hard

to place your grief.

I think it would have

been--I don't know.

If you told me one

of those guys died,

it would be--it would be

as hard as all of them.

It's like you--it was

hard to comprehend,

and, um, all these years later

it's still--

I don't feel like

it's completely sunk in.

We lost that many

firefighters at one operation.

BENJAMIN: Um, people say you

get better at things.

I don't think so,

not that kind of stuff.

You know, it's always

gonna be there.

I don't feel like

I struggle per se

each day,

like, "How am I gonna

get through the day,

"or why am I so angry,

why am I yelling

at the kids?"

It's just when it

happens I say,

"Aw I shouldn't have

probably yelled

like I did,

but looking back on it,

I attribute it to what

we've gone through.

I feel like it's like

a hockey game

with the, um, Plexiglas.

I'm on the spectator side

of the Plexiglas,

and my family, friends,

and everybody else is

on the other side.

I can't--I want to,

but I can't--I can't

get on the other side.

I can't get on the ice,

I can't get into the game,

and they can't hear me.

The only people

that can hear me

where it resonates with

are other firefighters.

You know, firefighters

are all the tough guys,

and "I'll get

through this on my own,"

and then September 11 hit,

and everybody knew

that this was something

that was gonna be

way beyond what we had

ever had done before.

♪

BUSCEMI: There was such

an overwhelming need

for counseling

and for reaching out.

CASSANO: We realized that

when we were sending counselors

there, psychologists,

people weren't opening up.

How did you get involved

in being--

so what is your

title first of all?

Oh, good point.

Um, "peer counselor".

A buddy of mine called

me up after 9/11

and said, "Listen.

The counseling unit's

looking for some guys

to work

in the counseling."

I said, "Yeah.

I don't know anybody."

He says,

"No. I want you."

"No. You don't want me

I don't know anything

about that stuff."

He said, "No. What

we're doing, we're

taking senior guys

"who were there

during the war years,

and the guys will

listen to them."

Firefighters do not

openly tell you

what's bothering them.

You have to pull it out.

So instead of what they

call "stuffing it",

you kind of get it out,

you know what I mean,

whether it's yelling

whether it's screaming,

whatever it takes.

We learned right after

September 11

that unless we had

peer counselors people

weren't going to

open up to them.

I guess you'd say

we're the middle man.

We go around

to the firehouses,

and we try to motivate

them into tapping

into mental health.

I went there first day,

sat down.

I said to myself, "No.

"These guys don't know

the hurt that I feel,

the loss that I feel,"

and then the first guy

starts talking,

and I was saying to myself,

"He stole my lines."

Second guy, very similar.

By the time they got to me,

it was just more of the same.

We all went through it.

BROWN: One of the things

that the FDNY did

in rebuilding itself

was to understand

that there is a tremendous

fallout after such an event

like that or even

mini 9/11s,

which happen every single day,

multiple times in the city.

There's fires,

there's people dying,

there's tragedies

that firefighters are the people

that are holding their hand

when they die.

♪

BUSCEMI: But one

of the things that I love

about the fire department

is the sense

of tradition and pride

that is just built

into this job.

what I also love

about this job is that

firefighters not only

help other people,

but you help each other.

You really have

each other's backs,

and you help

and support each other.

You know, that's when

you're not too busy

busting each

other's balls.

[Laughter]

I know--I know

that also

goes along with the job.

It's been a decade

now since 9/11,

and the fire department

is still feeling

its effects.

We have members who are

still struggling.

We have members

who are sick.

We have members who are dying,

and some of their

family members

are here tonight,

and you honor us

by your presence.

♪

We've lost over 60 guys

to cancer since 9/11.

What you're seeing

right now really is, I think,

just the tip of the spear

of what's coming

for guys who responded that day.

We were always told

at the time it would be

probably about 10 years

before these things start

to metastasize,

and you're seeing it now.

I can't remember

a day since September 11

that I haven't coughed.

ESPOSITO: Well, just from our

firehouse alone,

we've had 8 guys

with symptoms.

Well, they called it

the World Trade Center cough.

Some guys if you make

them laugh too much,

they cough up blood.

It's scary, Steve,

it really is.

Um, that's one thing

I think I put

my defense up.

You know, we don't talk

about it,

my wife and I

don't talk about it,

but it's scary.

It's scary what could

happen to you

and what's gonna happen

to your family.

I mean you can't walk

into any firehouse

in the city without seeing

5 or 6 fundraiser flyers

on any billboard

for a guy that's sick.

ESPOSITO: That's what we do,

and that's what he

did in 9/11.

Larry was the guy

you could count on.

A couple of times

on the holiday

when you wanted to go

to the Trade Center,

he said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to the Trade Center."

He says, "I'm coming with you."

Joey's brother is missing.

He's back and forth there

continuously,

and, I mean, you just had

to be there.

It'd become a way of life.

There's a lot of resentment

and regrets there.

There were a lot of things that

were preventable here I believe,

and you get statements

from the EPA

that the air is safe

to breathe 3 days later,

you know, you're like,

"All the stuff

"inside that building

that was crushed there,

"between the glass

and the concrete,

where's it going?

We're ingesting it,

we're breathing it in."

It's always on your

mind you might get sick.

I'm the chauffer.

I drive the fire truck.

It's every kid's dream,

but nobody wants to talk

about the bad sides of the job.

I'd have to say

the most thing that he loved

about the job was the guys.

You know, being

around everybody and--

because nobody understands

us more than another fireman.