A Genius, Two Partners and a Dupe (1975) - full transcript

God will punish you,
Jelly Roll.

You scared
the bejesus out of me.

Well, it ain't smart
to live alone, Tom.

You start seein'
scary shadows...

red shadows.

God will fry
those savages in hell.

I see 'em,
now and again,

draggin' their beasts and their
belongings through the valley.

And I think,
"What a waste of the Promised Land."

You see here.

These little flags are us,
and all this nothin' is them.



Does it make
sense to you?

It's Indian territory.

Back in the olden days
of the Spanish conquest, every Friday,

they used to kill off 12 savages
in memory of the 12 Holy Apostles.

Those religious traditions
ought to be kept up.

There're hundreds
of fine, Christian souls

ready and waitin' for this land
to be opened up,

and willin' to pay
good prices for it.

Not everybody's as good
a Christian as you are, Tom.

Nowadays you gotta have
a practical excuse for killin' Indians.

Like what Major Cabot had...

when he found
all them wells poisoned.

Yeah.

We know, sure.



Someway the major did
a bit of poisoning himself.

But he found lots of Indian beads
gathered 'round those wells, didn't he?

All we need is an excuse.

Why don't we cook one up
for ourselves, is what I say.

We get undressed
like those pagan savages,

and get rid of some no-account
white trash livin' off by hisself.

Fess up, Tom.

You've been chewing the fat
with Major Cabot.

No I ain't.

Why?

You're saying exactly the same
what he's been sayin'.

That's 'cause him and me are
practical people--

pioneers of the old frontier.

No.

It's 'cause you both are
made out of the same clay.

You both got
the evil genius in you.

Good old Cabot.

Tell me, you fellas decided yet
who you're gonna scalp?

Hey, Frank!

Bring the gent
a cup of coffee.

"Oh, look at my body."

Stop it, man.
You're hurtin' the fleas.

Look like a rooster dance,
didn't it?

Like a rooster.

You're smart
to grease that barrel.

If you want some good advice,
file down the sight, too.

- Why's that?
- Why?

'Cause sooner or later, strangers
around here get their guns

shoved up their...

And you don't wanna get
scratched, do ya?

Thanks.

Thanks?
Thanks for what?

That's my name--
Joe Thanks.

I'm impressed.

I really am.

Hey!

Huh?

- I know you.
- Do ya, now?

Yeah.
You're the village idiot!

There's always somebody in every town
that gives me that kind of welcome.

You wouldn't talk like that
if I had a gun on me.

I'm looking for a man
who can shoot fast.

How fast?

Well, let's see...

not a man who shoots first,
but if somebody else shoots at him,

he's sure as hell a man
who doesn't shoot second.

You sound like a hard
fella to please.

But you might give, uh,

Doc Foster a try.

Now Doc,
one of these days...

you're going to have
to get up from this table

and go on out
and see what's going on out there.

Not a thing goin' on there,
never will be.

This town's
one long Sunday afternoon.

Five.

Gimme two of 'em.

Same here.

Pass.

Five dollars.

Pass.

Pass.

Ten dollars.

Careful, it's very hot.

Pass.

Last I saw my missus
she was nine months heavy.

For all I know I got a family
to take care of by now.

Let me go home, Doc.

I'm waitin' for somebody.

Looks like omebody's
already here.

He ain't somebody.

Nobody at all.

Sorry, Doc.

For what? Keep goin'.

No.

The five.

Okay.

Yeah.

Two.

Three.

One.

- Pass.
- Same here.

Ten, just to keep
things goin'.

Ten.

Up you a hundred.

What happens in this game
when a fella's got four cards a like?

What happens is, I'm out.

- Same here.
- Ah?

Four aces,
all four in the same hand.

Never saw the like
in all my born days.

Not even when I cheated.

Give this a try, Doc.
Colt Navy, model '86.

All these nice folks are gathered around
on account of they wanna see a duel.

What duel?

Well, you know how these things
work out here in the West.

Two fellas come
out of the saloon...

and stand
opposite each other.

One of them's usually got
his legs spread apart.

And the folks in the town get scared,
and edge backward to a safe distance.

And somebody starts playin' a funeral
march on a bugle in the background.

And then nothin'.

Not a sound.

Only the whistlin' wind
from the desert.

Let me tell you the rest.

In a couple of minutes
you're gonna be

one of the deadest
men that ever lived.

Outside!
My time is precious.

I know, I know.
You're waitin' for somebody.

Hey, come on!
Come on, everyone!

Hey, they're gonna
shoot it out--

Doc Foster and the big guy!

- Come on, come on!
- Come on, Eddie!

They're gonna shoot it out, everyone!
Let's go!

When you're ready, Doc.

Your horse, Doc?

Stand up
and stop actin' like a booby.

Mighty pretty animal.

Don't play the clown.

Nobody takes care
of you, huh?

Aw...

Yeah.

Aw, poor critter was thirsty.

Next shot's for you.

You hear me?!

Sorry, Doc.

You shoot when you
feel like it, huh?

No, Doc, uh-uh.

Did you like the show?

Good.
That makes me happy.

If you'd be
so kind, folks,

whatever you can afford,
right in the hat.

Seems fair to me.

Anything you want
to give, folks,

for the fastest gun
on the face of the earth?

- Thanks.
- There ya go, folks.

See?
Even the wind is on our side.

Watch your head,
watch your head.

Thanks. Thank you.

Thanks.

Remember, folks,
you just seen a risky show.

I mean,
that is for Doc Foster.

Whatever you can afford.

I really appreciate it.

Ah, thanks.

Thank you.

Hey,
there's people a-comin'!

- This is for your collaboration.
- It's a cavalry coach!

Free these horses
and take 'em to the stables.

Give 'em water.

After they're rested
they'll need some fodder.

Right, sir.

The Wild West.

Oh, boy.

Forgive the reception, sir.

We been expectin' a group of young
ladies to work in this boardin' house,

and the boys made a mistake.

A mistake was made
when you were elected sheriff.

Don't you see
that I'm a colonel?

For your information,
my man,

we are on our way
to Fort Cristabel.

Major Cabot might at least
have sent someone to meet me.

♪ Oh, my darlin',
oh, my darlin'

♪ Oh, my darling Clementine

♪ You are lost
and gone forever

Hey, Doc.
You'd better pick it up.

Doc, why don't you
just go home?

You've been lucky, friend.

I got a job to do.

So have I.

Come in.

She was just a child.

You hear me?
A mere child.

- Who was?
- My sister!

You raped her, you never waited,
you promised to marry her.

- Her?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, let 'em hear you.

I want you to get yours
in front of everybody.

You ravished my only
little sister, do ya hear?

The man is a maniac!

Ya broke her heart!

- He's not a maniac, he's an ass.
- Hey, what's that to you?

That beard!

That beard!

Yeah, that's the key
to it all.

What key?

The key to the perfect plan.

Hey, you listen now, this ain't wh--
this ain't none of your business.

Thanks for the good idea, Doc.

But this ain't none
of your business.

Hey,
what are you doin'?

- Why are you pushing me?
- Go on home now like a good boy.

- Out! Out! Just in time, huh?
- Ow! Put me down! Don't do that!

My balls!

That's a fascinatin' hand
you got on ya.

I never saw
such a deep life line.

That's not a life line,
it's a scar.

I disarmed a man once
by grabbing his knife blade.

- Oops. Life line interrupted.
- Huh?

Oh, you're goin'
from bad to worse, Colonel.

Death lies in ambush
decked out like an Injun.

Don't try to join Major Cabot--
you'll never get there alive.

You, you're a maniac, too,
aren't ya, boy?

A friend of mine's got red whiskers,
just like yours, Colonel.

Fake,
but you can never tell.

We could send him ahead
to reconnoitre with your uniform on.

But don't try to go
to the fort yourself...

'cause you'll get killed.

Lieu... Lieutenant!

Men! Men!

Soldiers! Men!

Keep on washin'.
I'm just bein' followed.

Are you a bandit?

Stop!

You don't look
the least little bit

like those ruffians
on the wanted posters.

Do they make you
look ugly on purpose...

to frighten the public?

Well...

they're tryin' to show
the evil that's inside us.

Stop!

- Kiss me.
- What?

Papa says the West is
too wild for me,

He's sending me back to Washington.
I've never kissed an outlaw.

When I tell my girlfriends
they'll die of envy.

Kiss me or I'll scream!

Sure.

There was a madman in my room,
and another, a maniac,

a fortune teller
who pulled my beard!

They're both wanted!

Surround the hotel!
I don't want them to escape!

Take 'em, men!

- There's a man in her bed!
- There's a man in her bed?

There's a man in her bed!

- Where?
- Right here.

Yatahey.

Hey.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, save me...

just this once...

and I swear
I'll never do it again.

He's over there.

Get away. Go on, get outta here,
you dogs! Come on!

Come on, now leave me alone.
Go on, get out of here! Come on!

Get out...
Oh, my chickens!

Oh, my poor little chickens.
Hey. Hey, hey, come on, now.

Get out. Leave me alone.
Go on, get!

Oh, my poor chickens.

What are you,
a priest or a chicken thief?

Aw, you horrible
wild beasts!

- Go on, get!
- Uh, Philipe,

Do you Catholics keep
chickens in your church?

- By God, we caught the wrong man!
- Right chicken, though.

- But we caught the right chicken.
- You chicken thieves!

You'll pay for this.
God will damn you!

He can't.
We're workin' for him.

You're thieves.
You're chicken thieves.

Oh, my poor chickens.

Come, my sons.
Let's look for the real one.

What kind of a place is this?

It's all right. It's a place
of worship. Come on.

Climb aboard, kids.

Get going.

Come on.

They're all beautiful girls.
As you can see.

Where you goin', friend?

I'm just goin' over
there to see the madam.

Now you just wait here
and behave yourself, huh?

Hey, Mike, how you doin'?

Get a move on.

- Hey.
- You'll miss your connection.

Two hundred.

You'll wanna take
a better look.

It's solid silver
and blessed by a priest.

They used to cut the hands
off church robbers.

Two hundred's my offer.

Bag included.

Carousel's off
to paradise right now.

What better way
to spend your money?

¡Vamos, maricones!

Are you, for a change,
trying to screw me, madam?

Lucy?

The offer stays
at two hundred.

Take it or leave it.

Lucy!

Lucy, come back!

It's an order!

Climb aboard, gents!
The girls are ready and waiting!

Howdy, Steam Engine.
I been lookin' for ya.

Well, now
that you've found me,

it's buddies forever
and I'll see ya around.

Come on,
let's empty the hall.

Come on!

Now wait, Bill.
I haven't seen him for ages.

- We hadn't hardly said hello.
- You call that sayin' hello?

One more time around
and you'll be expectin'.

What's wrong with that?

Don't tease him, Lucy.

- He gets jealous.
- Jealous?!

I got more important
things on my mind.

I pulled this little snipe
out of the gutter.

She was a flea hive.

I washed and ironed her,
and combed her hair.

I made a lady outta her.

I surrounded her with luxury.

I catered to her every whim.

She's cost me
an eye and an ear.

But I already told ya.
If you want her, name your price.

I can't do it.

- She's priceless.
- Name your price, Joe.

Please?
Name your price.

Don't be surprised.

And above all, do not jump
to the wrong conclusions.

I'm only here
to perform an act of justice.

Shh.

There he is.
That's him.

Thou art the man.

You've come a long way.
Now you're an informer, huh?

You've been touched
by the grace of God.

Is that not so, my son?

- Admit it, Bill, you've been touched.
- Well, I been touched.

Is it in here, my son?

Check it carefully, padre.

When I found you half dead in the desert,
why didn't I leave you there?

'Cause you never
double-cross a friend.

It's all there.

- Thanks be to God.
- Thanks be to Joe.

Just think of it.

The man before you
was already far away--

free and clear--

when, like Paul
on the road to Damascus,

he was struck
by God's heavenly light.

Burdened with remorse,
he returned...

his heart heavy with despair
for his viscious, misspent life

in sin and shame.

- Who's he talkin' about?
- You.

- Me?
- Mm-hmm.

- Why...
- And his noble gesture

would have
remained unknown

had it not been for the testimony
of this good, Christian soul.

Padre, I only did my duty
as a faithful son of the Church.

- Son of a bitch.
- But when the prodigal returns,

there's rejoicing
in the heavens above.

♪ Glory, glory, glory

♪ On our knees we're bending

♪ Now the erring prodigal

♪ Turns to the righteous way

- ♪ Glory, glory, glory
- ♪ Glory, glory, glory

- ♪ Praying for thy blessing
- ♪ Praying for thy blessing

- ♪ Our hearts in repentance
- ♪ Our hearts in repentance

- ♪ Pledge to Christ today
- ♪ Pledge to Christ today

- ♪ Glory, glory, glory
- ♪ Glory, glory, glory

Cut the hymn thing!

- This is an honest house!
- Thank you.

We don't make fun
of the church.

Joe!

Joe!

- Where the hell's he takin' us?
- Keep counting.

Where was I?
Uh, 315, 320.

$325 in charity.

That old bag only
offered me 200, you know?

You see, Bill.
Honesty is the best policy.

You're richer
and you been kissed by a priest.

Disgustin'!

Oh, why do you have to act
worse than you already are?

Yeah, sure.
Twinkletoes here never pukes, does he?

If he does,
he doesn't do it in his hat.

He knows enough to do what he has to do
where decent folks do it-- in the privy.

That's where
you're wrong, Lucy.

If you'd spent less time
walkin' the streets like a gypsy

and more time sitting
with decent folk on the privy,

you'd have met Joe
before you met me.

Hey, I've been dreamin'
a weird kind of dream.

The red of the rising sun touches
the tops of the highest mountains

so they seem
to be bathed in blood.

The peaks throw long shadows
down into the bottomless valley.

In the clear blue sky

a hawk glides,
wide and easy.

- The whistlin' wind?
- No.

The wings cleavin' the air.

- What's that?
- Shh.

That's horses' hooves.

And now...

from behind the rocks appears the fabled
figure of a man on a white horse.

He's the ancient ruler
of these lands.

The shadow of a dead king
reaches out for a fleein' man.

His silhouette is dark
against the red circle of the sun...

ringed with a halo
of eagle feathers,

like rays of light.

Oh, yeah?

It's your old man
and he's lookin' for you.

My old man
never had feathers.

I'm a white man.

I got a sunburnt face, but you can always
tell a white man by the color of his ass

Look!

What's wrong
with being an Injun?

So your father's got feathers
and your mother was white.

So what?

Black, white, red,
what difference does it make?

We're all
somebody's children.

As it happens,
I am the child of a white woman.

She was so white, the other girls
in the whorehouse called her the Ghost.

I'm not bragging.
I'm just getting the facts straight.

And what I've told
you's all I know.

I'm a lone wolf.
I don't run with the pack.

And ya know why
they call me Steam Engine?

Because one day I got fed up
with city society and I jumped a train

and I ditched
the whole crowd.

That's right--
ditched the whole tribe.

Man Who Gallops
on Iron Horse.

You've gone far enough.
Come on!

Yeah, you reached the end
of the road, Steam Engine.

You crazy?
You gonna fight?

Not me.

We're at the end
of the track!

- What's happening?
- Jump. Jump!

Bill!

Bill. You all right?

Di-- Did you get hurt?

Yeah, yeah, I'm all right.
I'm all right, Lucy. I...

Hey, who ever planned
this railway to end here?

Maybe they're gonna build
a bridge across the valley

with a big town
around it.

I remember this place
whe it was nothin'.

Is this where the rails stop?

This here's the end
of the Western Railroad Company.

- You're darn right.
- It sure is.

Those are all the tracks
we've got left.

And where's
the Pacific, huh?

Answer me that.

He's right.
Where is it?

Listen to what
I'm gonna tell you.

There's no future for railroads
In this country.

- Now where're ya goin'?
- We're lookin' for a new job.

The company left us
high and dry

and we're a-skedaddlin'
outta here right now!

Joe, Bill, come on.
There's still some hot coffee.

Come on, Bill.

Hey, take it easy, Bill.

Don't go gettin'
yourself plastered.

I don't get plastered.

- I just get happy.
- Oh, come on, you call that happy?

Injuns are gloomy by nature.

Hang on to yourself, Bill.

The son of a chief shouldn't
fly off the handle like that.

Oh, yeah?

If I had
a handful of men,

men who really knew
where their balls are,

I'd screw this
whole goddamn country.

Loneliness.

That's what it is.

The loneliness of genius.

Listen to me,
lonely genius... will ya?

I got a proposition
to make to you.

You wanna go
into a partnership with me?

- Oh, let's make it...
- Hmm?

- A three-way partnership.
- Not that kind of partnership, Lucy.

You interested?

Oh... And who are we
supposed to screw this time?

A man called Major Cabot.

That bastard
Injun killer?

A man who deserves
our respect.

No dice.

Look, Bill,

if you can make $300 all
by yourself-- with a little help--

you'll be able
to make $300,000.

How much is that again?

That's the amount
the major kept

instead of turning it
over to the Injun Agency.

What do I have to do?

You've been in the army.

That's right--
like-- like all white men.

What rank?

Uh, deserter.

How'd you like
to be a colonel?

That could be nice
for a change.

What do you say, Lucy?

I say, where you gonna
get the uniform?

The uniform's on its way,

but you're also
gonna need whiskers.

- Whiskers?
- Uh-huh.

- Like these.
- Mmm.

The colonel you're
standing in for has a set.

Only his are real.

Then I'll grow my own.
Just gimme time.

I could give you all the time you want
and you still wouldn't have whiskers.

They don't grow
on Injuns.

On me they do
because I'm not an Indian!

- What is it?
- Shh!

Someone's comin'...

a wagon or a stage...

I was just showin' you what the stupid
redskins do to hear far-off sounds.

They still do.

Here we are in the age
of the telegraph

and they still throw
themselves on the ground.

- Comin' this way?
- Who?

How do I know?

Ha!
'Cause you really believe.

you can just put your ear to the ground
and hear if there's a stagecoach comin'.

- With an escort?
- No, but it's bein' followed.

- How many riders?
- Four.

Injuns?

No, the horses are shod.

There's gunfire, Joe,
they're shootin'!

Yeah, I know.

How the Christ can ya know
if you don't put your ear to the ground?

Tell me that.
How the hell can ya know?

They're shootin' at a colonel
with a red beard.

Ya see?

When you're not an Indian
ya get it wrong.

Where are ya?

There's the coach
and there's the idiot.

But where are
the four riders?

Here we are,
Steam Engine.

Mortimer!

What are ya doin'
with the beads on?

It's the fashion, Bill.

But what ain't never
the fashion is witnessin'.

Throw down your gun.

I'm sorry, Bill.

You shouldn't have seen
what you just saw.

Why?
What did I just see?

You saw the colonel.

You saw us
made up in beads.

Oh, you got
beads on, huh?

I swear to God
I never even noticed.

In any case,
you noticed us, didn't you?

Me?
No. No!

Then who the hell
are ya talkin' to?

Myself.

I always talk
to myself.

You know what
prairie folk are like.

I talk and I listen...

Hopin' that someone,
somewhere,

will hear
and answer me.

For God's sake,
Mortimer,

For the sake of the old days when
we worked together, side by side,

remember?

Uh, Mortimer, I...

Jelly Roll'd hate ya, huh,
for even thinking about such an idea.

Why don't you answer me?

- Let's cut it short.
- No.

It's a joke.

Naw!

Stop!

Don't shoot.

He's my brother.

Well, Steam Engine.

Where did you get
hold of a sister like her?

Ah, come on,
let's have a better look.

Be a good girl...
bring up the curtains.

Say, if you wanna save your
brother's life and make us all happy,

you're gonna have
to split yourself into four.

Stop!

Don't lay
a hand on my girl.

Christ!
How many are ya back there?

Leavin' out the women

and the unarmed men,
it's just me.

But I'll split myself into four
if that'll make y'all happy.

Heh, cool off, buster.

We only meant to have
a little fun with your girl.

Why not, Joe?

Let 'em have
a little fun.

Let's all have
a little fun.

What's wrong with that?

Why take chances,
darlin'?

There're too many of them.

Throw down your gun.

Throw it down,
darling.

Damn it, I missed!

Yeah, naturally.
He moved.

What do you mean,
naturally?

You learned to shoot
in a circus.

You can't hit anythin'
but a sittin' target.

Yeah,
throw it away.

You're better off
with a bow and arrow.

I was so scared.

Ohh. Oh.

You know, Lucy, keep it up
and I'll name my price.

Name it!

- Ah, Bill.
- Okay.

How come you go calling him
darling and me brother?

The true fact is
I can't make up my mind.

I don't know which one
of you I love most.

I told ya.

But ya had to have it
your own way.

I'm... gonna die.

Well,
we're sorry as we can be.

- Yeah! It's real!
- Please!

Don't let me die like this,
not knowin'...

- What, Colonel?
- Why do you all keep pullin'...

my beard?

Too bad.
Didn't have time to tell him.

And, in a little while,
Major Cabot'll know the colonel's dead.

- Back to square one.
- Yeah.

Huh. He's beginnin'
to get the hang of it.

Jesus! Is he movin'!

He's not headin'
for Cabot.

He's goin'
to Jelly Roll.

What's this
Jelly Roll like?

Believes in an eye
for an eye.

Well, we didn't get
all of 'em, did we?

One got away.

Yeah, but three
of 'em are dead.

So?

Everythin' depends
on how ya tell it.

He did it.

He killed the three of them--
shot 'em right between the eyes.

But he threw me the gun,
Jelly Roll.

I'd never let myself
shoot your men.

Hey, keep movin'!
Come on!

Yeah, and you caught their attention
with your creamy thighs.

I didn't force them
to look, did I?

Too bad ya can't hit
a moving target.

Poor Steam Engine.

That's right.
But I was wise to 'em.

And I got
out of the way.

You see?

I can hit six out of six!

But you didn't know
that Mortimer was...

wise to you.

No, I didn't.

Where did ya go to?

To my right.

And that's what
you should have done.

It's easy to hit
a movin' target.

Okay.

Now there's only four of us that know
that Colonel Pembroke is dead.

It's good to meet a man
who catches on so fast.

What are we gonna do
with Mortimer?

"Bury him in a Mexican cemetery."
Your friend's a wise guy, huh?

You can trust him,
Jelly Roll. He's with me.

Looks to me
like you're with him.

Now let's see if we can't raise
the colonel from the dead.

Steam Engine.
"We're not ordinary people."

Huh? Oh.

We're not ordinary people,
Major Cabot, we're Americans.

The Western prairies must be
firmly anchored to our great country

if we're gonna realize
our lofty ideals.

- How's that?
- That'll do.

Now the beard.

Jesus!

Oh, well.

But with the proper...

trousers...

and boots,

shoulders,

a little spit and polish
here and there...

Well,
what do you think?

- I think he's fine.
- Uh, so do I.

Then...

there's no doubt about it.

They'll shoot you.

Say it again, Bill,
keep sayin' it.

We-We're not ordinary people,
Major Cabot, we're Americans.

Yeah,
I know ya know that.

You been sayin' it over all night long.
The instructions.

God damn it! I'm fed up
to the teeth with this clown act!

You get to the fort,
ya pass yourself off as Pembroke.

and confiscate the $300,000.
Then what?

Then what?

Then, if they haven't
strung me up, I head due east

as fast as a jackrabbit
to where you're gonna meet me.

If Cabot gives me
an escort,

you're gonna stop the coach,
shove your gun

into my Adam's apple and say,
"Don't anybody move or I shoot."

Go on.

But if there's
no escort,

ya don't shout
anything at me,

we beat it the hell
outta there,

and live happily forever after
on a beach in the Sandwich Islands.

That's fine.

Perfect.
What are you so sore about?

That'll do, Michelangelo.

What am I so sore about?
Look at him!

Ya think for a minute
he's gonna pass for a cavalryman?

You think for a minute
you're gonna pass for a colonel?

That's what I'm saying!

They won't even
let us into the fort!

They'll eat us alive!

- Too bad for them. Let's go.
- Hey, giddy up then!

Whoa!

A wagon without driver.

Who the hell
are you talkin' to?

Me?

A colonel in the
United States Army?

Keep on croakin'.

Can't understand
a word you're sayin'...

if what you're
sayin' is words.

Well, before it withers,
ya know what you can do with it.

Hey!

Let's have
a little respect here.

This is a man who
sees beyond mountains.

And I'm a man who sees
right in front of his nose.

An if an old redskin can
see it, too, I'm screwed.

What the hell
was that?

The Western Railroad Company,

back on its relentless march
through the mountains to the sea.

Bill, this is
where I get off.

Good luck,
Colonel Pembroke.

I'm afraid that branch is
too big for that old Indian.

Hey, Joe!

Give old Dry Branch
there a hand, will ya?

Guard-hut!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ten-hut!

Whoa!

Colonel.

Welcome to Fort Chrystomel,
Colonel.

I am Major Cabot.

- We're not ordinary people, Major Cabot--
- Later, Daddy.

And this young lady,
I presume, is Miss Pembroke?

Y-Yes, presumably
she's my daughter.

Well, many a flower was born
to blush unseen in wasted sweetness

on the desert air.

Shall we go inside?

- Major, who did you build a gallows for?
- Oh, uh, that Indian, sir.

A horse thief.

Follow me.

This way.

As you will see, I've had the very
best quarters in the fort prepared

especially for you.

I'm genuinely astonished,
Major Cabot,

because frankly,
I never expected.

to meet up with--
with such a polished gentleman

in this neck
of the woods.

Compliments
on the set-up, Major.

My dear, beneath these rough uniforms
lurk hearts of purest gold.

Take Sergeant Milton
for instance.

He looks like a great bear but really,
he's just a child who's grown too fast.

In here.

As for the rest of us,
we're just ordinary people.

We're not ordinary people,
Major Cabot, we're Americans.

Colonel,
would you care for a cigar?

I think it's a flavor
you might enjoy.

The Western prairies...

Why, yes, indeed.

Daddy, you're smoking!

Of course I'm smoking.

As I was saying...

The Western prairies must be
firmly anchored...

And if that's too firmly anchored
you're gonna burn to death.

Why don't you
take it off?

Well, there you are,

the best quarters
in the fort

prepared especially
for you extraordinary people.

And wastes its sweetness
on the desert air.

I'm gonna waste your sweetness,
little girl.

Just you wait.

Let's go, Sergeant.

It's all over, Bill.
They got you by the short hairs.

Son of a bitch!

What do you mean?
You and me planned

for you to get up
dressed like a colonel

and you go right
ahead and you do it.

Hey, fella, what the hell's
the matter with you?

Why do ya trust
me all of a sudden?

Poor Bill baby.
That takes all the fun out of it.

Now then, we just have to third member
of this little group to think about

and we gotta think hard
because he's a sly one.

Uh, what did Jelly Roll
say he'd called himself?

- Joe Thanks.
- What?

- Joe Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

The names these people have.

Well, you'd better send
some of your men after him.

Where, sir?

Jelly Roll says
you can't get your hands on him.

He's here, he's there...

in front of you, in back of you,
slippery as an eel.

Where we gonna look?

Oh, that's, uh,
your own problem, my boy.

Uh, just get him here,
will you?

Yes, sir.

I want him
in my office immediately.

What are you doing here?

Who are you?

What do you want?

An egg.

An egg
as small as this.

A pale green egg speckled
with dark brown, like, uh...

You recall the color
of buffalo shit, Major?

Hmm?

A baby buzzard
with a hooked beak.

He sticks out his pink-green neck,
then his bare big toe.

Majestic mama buzzard,
like any lovely kid's mother,

swoops down from the heavens
with a nice, fat piece of carrion.

Young man, I know that the desert
sun sometimes affects the brain...

Shh!
High above...

papa buzzard, his wings
steady in the sunlight,

watches over his babies
so nothin' will disturb

the little one while he munches
the tender, rotten meat.

All of a sudden,
boom!

A clap of thunder
shakes the mountain.

The rocks are burst asunder
by a resounding blast,

and the dust of death rises
up, up, up into the sky.

Papa buzzard weeps
in the heavens...

weeps for his
murdered mate...

weeps for his
murdered baby.

"Make 'em stop before they kill
every livin' thing."

Who?

They're here
with their dynamite.

They're blowin' up
the mountains.

They drill holes in the rock,
and then, boom!

All dead-- papas, mamas,
the helpless little ones.

And what's worse,

they make it hard
for a fella to relax.

I sleep in a cave
right under Red Rock.

You gotta tell 'em
to stop, Major.

Get outta here.

My mistake.

They told me in town you were
interested in protecting buzzards.

But I am. I am.

I feed them flesh

of people who come into my office
and bother me for their own amusement.

Now get outta here!

Stop!

Just a minute.

Did you talk to anyone
else about, uh...

I mean, did you mention your
admirable concern for the buzzards.

to anyone else
before coming to see me?

No, no,
I came straight here.

Hmm.

You did the right thing,
my boy.

Guard!

This Cabot runs
a lousy prison.

Not a match
in the place.

He's out to break me
with slow torture.

He said he'd waste my sweetness
on the desert air.

This'll learn you to listen
to that baby-blue-eyed wise guy.

What's Joe gotta do
with us being here?

Jelly Roll's the one
who double-crossed us, not Joe.

You got a noose around your neck
and still you stand up for him.

Answer me!

- Ah!
- No!

I'm only standing up for him
because he's a friend of mine...

a friend
I can count on.

Well, if you're still counting on him,
I mean, to name his price, forget it!

'Cause it's too late.

Say what you will.

The only thing I regret

in my whole life is Joe.

Me, too. Oh!

$300,000!

He's the one who has
everything worked out.

Never makes a slip--
a genius! Aah!

You know what I'd do to him
if I had him here right now?

I'd tear off his head
and eat it like this.

Go right ahead.
Just don't ruin your dentures.

Oh, Joe!

- Joe! Joe!
- Lucy!

I knew he'd get us
out of here.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, sure.

Am I making a mistake
or are you also a guest of the management?

He couldn't be
more right.

Oh, that gladens my heart.
I can't tell ya!

This situation's
beginning to be a pleasure.

They're gonna string us up
in the morning.

Now at least
we're gonna swing together.

- Are we, Joe?
- The Injuns are always pessimistic.

Can't ya see the whole thing's
workin' out just the way we planned?

Oh, is it?

Mm-hmm.

It's like playin' pool, Bill.

The ball banks
off a third cushion,

hits another ball,
and drives it right into the hole.

What's happenin'?
Where're you going?

No power on this earth
ain't gonna persuade us

to go forward with this
god damned rotten railroad.

So you can save
your breath.

We're not goin' forward,
we're goin' back.

We're through.

You think it's worth
blowin' up a whole mountain

just to get to the god
damned Pacific Ocean?

I tell you, it's full of stones--
hard as metal, they are.

Never seen anything like it
in all my born days.

Milton.

This is all
alluvial rock.

Those railroad men
have been workin' here

and they didn't even see
what was before their eyes.

This is quartz.
Pure quartz.

Just scratch it and you'll have
an avalanche of nuggets.

Touch of a pickaxe...

and you'll find
pure gold.

The same as I found on that chair.
I had it tested.

Pure gold.

Gold.

Some may have been sayin' there was
gold up here for 15 years, but nobody...

nobody believed me.

Seems as though
we've lost our horses.

You're the linguist, Sergeant.
It's all yours.

Yeah, I'll try.

Don't overdo it.

- Yatahey.
- Yatahey.

Tell them that I'll trade
a wide tract of grazing land

with plenty of good water
and buffalo in exchange for...

this useless piece
of sand and rock.

And to show that I mean business
I'll even sign a treaty.

Hmm.
What'd he say?

Uh, he says he will
only deal with the colonel

who just came
to the fort

and not with a son
of a bitch like you.

That screws us.

That depends.

Ask him if he's
ever met the colonel.

He says he's never met him.
He knows him only by reputation.

In that case, tell him the good
colonel will be delighted to shake his hand

and, uh,
strike a bargain.

But Colonel Pembroke...

Is enjoying the hospitality
of Fort Chrystomel.

You're only hangin'
the two of us?

Get goin'.

Come on.

This way.

I think he's fine.

Just fine.

This way, Colonel.

Get movin',
on the double.

Come on.

Uh, Colonel Pembroke, sir.

My fellow officers
and I hope that you'll accept

you'll accept the simple
hospitality of Fort Chrystomel.

Miss Pembroke, you come to us
like a desert flower.

- How charming of you.
- Not at all, Miss Pembroke.

I hope you won't
pick my petals.

Precious petals must be
plucked, not picked.

May I have the honor
of accompanying you to the table?

You remember, Colonel,
that occasion when we were surrounded

by Indians
in the Black Mountains?

Just imagine it-- a bedraggled squad
of cavalry trapped on a hilltop

encircled by a swarm of Indians.

I was, um, I was just
a mere lieutenant at the time,

and you, Colonel, uh...

Uh, were you a major
or, uh, or a captain?

Um, I was a general.

I've never met a more
amusing man than your father.

Yes, me, neither.

Realizing that there was
no way out,

the colonel said to me,
"Dismount.

Let us make a stand, Lieutenant.
We shall die together."

It was a massacre.

Oh, you mean
they got us.

I'll get you if you can't
do better than this.

What am I supposed
to do, anyhow?

Tomorrow you're gonna have
a little talk with an old Indian.

Is it about
the 300,000?

- Hah! Trifles!
- What trifles are those?

Your father was just asking,
my dear, why I wasn't decorated

for the deeds
that I did that day.

Um, as I said to him,

the joy of serving
my country...

has been
satisfaction enough.

We are not
ordinary people.

We are Americans.

Shit!

No fun playin'
with yourself, is it?

I need a queen,
I got a jack.

That's easy.
Just turn it into a queen.

You actin' crazy
or were ya born that way?

Lemme see it.

- What?
- Lemme see it.

Jack.

Queen.

See? It's easy.

If I could do that
at a poker game...

You can do better than that
at a poker gamee. Watch this.

Now...

Hmm?

One,

two,

three.

Kids' stuff.

Lemme try.

- Ah-ah-ah.
- Hmm?

Here.

I understand. The trick is
to open... the cards, hmm?

The trick is
to get the door open.

There it is. Yeah!

Gee, you got bad cavities.

Shut your mouth
or I'll fill 'em for a year.

I can shut you up and open the lock
with one shot. The keys!

Come on!

Halt!

Left face!

Attention!

- Where do you come from?
- El Paso.

Don't we know
each other?

No, sir. I don't think we come
from the same part of the country.

- I come from a different place.
- What kind of place is that?

A place where
men are men, sir.

I'll teach all of you
what a real man is.

That's my job here.

Now I'm gonna hit
this fella

and he's gonna
smile and say,

"I didn't feel a thing

"because I'm a soldier
of the 5th Cavalry."

- Now, we'll have a try.
- Just as you wish, sir.

- Did it hurt?
- No, sir.

- Why not?
- 'Cause I'm a soldier of the 5th Cavalry.

- Did it hurt?
- No, sir.

- Why not?
- 'Cause I'm a soldier of the 5th Cavalry.

- Did it hurt?
- No, sir.

- Why not?
- 'Cause that wasn't my foot, it was his.

Silence!

Left...

face!

To the quartermaster's store.

Forward...

march!

Hey, you!

Stop!

Stop him!

I know him.

He's crazy.

Grab him!

That guy insulted our major.

- Come down here.
- No. I wanna be free.

Listen.

Come down here.

I'm afraid
you're gonna beat me.

Go back to your cell.

The major doesn't like
prisoners to escape.

No. I wanna be free.
I don't care about the 5th Cavalry.

Saw down that pole.

Sergeant...
what are you doin'?

No.

Stop it.
Make 'em stop, Sergeant.

Make 'em stop,
Sarge! Sergeant!

- Sergeant, stop it, Sergeant!
- Are you gonna come down, then?

Yes, sir.

No. No. No, Sergeant.
I wanna be free like a buzzard.

- I want to be free!
- He's crazy. Saw it down!

Make 'em stop,
Sergeant. That's dangerous.

I wanna live.

I wanna live.
No, don't. No, no.

No!

All right, you guys,
get him outta that wagon!

Open wide.

And now?

Now it's solitary
confinement for you.

You.
Bring me the keys.

- Back inside?
- Sir.

Give him a hand.

Come on.

Look at the sun, Sergeant.

Bye-bye!

Hurry up,
shoot him down!

Hey, look,
there he goes!

Come on!

¡Ole!

Hyah!

Shut the doors!

Okay, guys,
come on, let's get him!

Get the--
Get the gate closed.

All right.

Havoc...

Stop, you fool.

That cannon's loaded.

Don't shoot, ya stupid.

Don't ya see that cannon's pointed
right at the ammunition wagon?

Mm-hmm.

- What do you want?
- I'm sorry, I forgot my hat...

if you don't mind,
Sergeant...

I'm afraid I have a very bad habit.

Pass the hat, Sergeant.

Pass it around.

Come on.

Whatever you can afford, boys,
just put it in the hat.

Come on.

Come on, men.

Thanks.

Hurry up, Sergeant.
Go on.

Hey, you.

My gun.

Take it to him.

- Give, men.
- Thanks.

Hurry up.
Not too tight, huh?

Thanks.

Thank you.

You're doing fine, Sergeant.

Your turn now.

Thanks.

Careful with that cigar.

Uh-huh.

Don't forget,
you're a soldier of the 5th Cavalry.

Whoa!
Take over, Major.

Those stupid Indians are
fallin' for our plot.

Sergeant, you owe
the United States Cavalry

two horses and one cannon,
and you let that madman get away.

Who's stupid?

Colonel, I think
we should take positions.

Now remember,
don't try anything

or I'll send Sergeant Milton
back to the fort,

and he'll do awful things
to your charming daughter.

- Yeah, you told me.
- Right.

Come on. Look happy. Look happy.
All you have to do is sign your name.

It'd be easier if I had to kill
20 of your men with my left hand.

Hmm.

I can't write.

- Is this the Indian?
- Right.

But this old man
knows me very well.

I'm telling you that this old
man has known me since I was a kid.

But you've grown up now,
and you've got a beard.

Yeah, but he's the man
who sees beyond the mountains.

He's probably
already recogned me.

- The chief says that--
- I heard him. I'm not deaf.

You can understand him?

- How's that?
- I'm a lip-reader.

- The chief says that--
- I heard him. I'm not deaf.

I'm heard him, too.
I'm not deaf, either.

What did he say?

The chief says
he's willing to sign.

as long as Colonel Pembroke's
here to witness.

Okay.

I'll watch you sign.

Then let's get
on with it.

Everythin' all set here?

Yes, Major, all ready.

- You just need to sign.
- All right.

What's he want? A little extra bonus, huh?
A bottle of whiskey or somethin'?

You better tell him,
Sergeant.

No, you better tell him,
Colonel.

The chief is very satisfied
with the treaty, but...

he wants to know
why you're givin' 'em

all this nice huntin' ground
full of water and buffalo...

for a hole in the rock
full of nothin' but fool's gold.

Fool's gold?

Sure, it's gold.
But what the hell?

Anybody can buy
a little gold dust.

And that Joe Thanks,
he was the other partner--

the one you sent
the boys lookin' for

when all the time you had him
locked up in the next room.

I just can't figure out
why he did it.

I'll tell you why.

Because he was in cahoots
with that old Indian,

trying to cheating me
out of that territory.

And I am bound
to say it succeeded.

But to do so
he had to use you...

and force me to present you
in public as Colonel Pembroke.

Those 300,000 greenies were only
an excuse to get you workin' for him.

All he wanted to do was to give
the land back to the Indians.

Indians! You're right!

That fella's got
a thing about Indians!

Hear what
they're sayin'?

He was in cahoots
with that decrepit redskin.

That's why he got me
into this mess.

He wanted
to screw me!

- And now you're gonna screw him.
- Yeah.

But how?

Major,
Joe may have scre--

done us wrong

but Bill would never
double-cross a friend.

Then he'd prefer to hang?

Bill has Indian blood.

And Indians never
double-cross anyone...

not even people
who double-cross them.

Indians, no.
Me, yes.

I'll double-cross anyone--
you, my ma, my pa, my grandfather!

Don't you let them
drag you down!

If Joe did
what he did,

he must have had
some good reason.

I got a thousand reasons just as good
to give him right back what I got.

Ooh!

Genius!

I'll show that
son of a bitch!

Now you're talkin'
like I like to hear.

When do you want me
to betray, Major?

Oh, we're going to split
the $300,000, are we not?

All we have to do is to follow
your friend's plan to the letter.

Um, with one
tiny variation, hmm?

Ah, Colonel Pembroke, sir.

I hereby consign
to you $300,000

to be returned
to the United States government.

Colonel, may I have
your signature, please?

Now it is time
to make your mark.

- Captain.
- Major. Yes, sir.

The escort is assembled,
Captain?

Yes, Major, assembled
and waiting for your signal.

The coach will
be leaving shortly.

The sooner this is underway,
the less chance

- of having it get lost.
- There we go.

Now, he has
the instructions.

Oh, yes, sir, I instructed him
personally, Major.

Thank you.
Thank you, Colonel.

Escort!

Attention!

Will you grant me
the privilege

of escorting you
as far as Albuquerque, sir?

- And if I don't?
- Very kind.

May I assist you?
Thank you.

Here's the variation
that I told you about.

When our friend
holds up the coach

he's not gonna
get the money.

Oh, excuse me, my dear,
would you mind, um...

showing the little
surprise to your papa?

He is going to...

get this.

Oh, I'd like to see
Joe's face.

I'd really like
to see his face.

Oh, yes.
You'll see it

because you'll be
there when he opens it.

- Yo, ho!
- Ho!

Stop!

Stop!

Good way Jelly Roll is
ridin' slap bang into it.

Stop!

Stop!
They wanna kill...

Colonel Pembroke!

They wanna kill
Colonel Pembroke!

Hey, didn't ya see a man
in black on a black horse?

No.

I see a man in white...

on a white horse.

- But it comes to the same.
- It's Joe!

They wanna kill
Colonel Pembroke.

They wanna kill
Colonel Pembroke.

They want
Colonel Pembroke's life.

Who? Who?

Who wants to kill me?

I do.

Major...

order your men
to drop their guns over there.

He's an assassin.
Do what he says.

Out of the way.

I will give that order.

Our colonel's
life is at stake.

Do what this man says.

Escort!

Throw down your guns
over there.

Escort! Follow me!

Now, ya mind handing me
that box of money?

Major, as your superior,
I order you to give him that box.

Very well, Colonel.

Excuse me.

Thanks.

Thanks.

You're the most pretty daughter
of an army officer I've ever seen.

Thank you.

But please...

don't hurt my father.

Very well then.
I'll take you as a hostage instead.

Come on, Major.

I think you're--
you're a little confused.

I'm--
I'm only a major.

Uh, he's a--
He's a colonel.

We got a long trip.
Move.

So long, Colonel.
Miss.

Hey, hey...

Hey!

Hey!

Hurry up!

Save the major!
Let's get movin'!

Hurry up!
Everybody this way! Come on!

And if you can't
save Major Cabot,

at least save the money!

What am I supposed
to do now, Colonel?

- You just stay put and guard the pass.
- Yes, sir, Colonel.

Now you realize who the real genius
of the situation turns out to be.

Yah!

Surprised?

Your partner
double-crossed you.

He and I planned
this together.

And here's Jelly Roll and his boys
to settle accounts.

The money?
Where's the money?

It's quite safe...

on the stagecoach.

Safe?
With Steam Engine?

Don't shoot!
It's Major Cabot!

He's gaining!

Hey! Ho!
Come on!

Ha!

I found
the driver's gun.

I don't see him any longer.

We made it!
Ha!

Are ya hurt?

No. He hit the shaft.

Gimme the chest...
the chest!

Get on!

What are you gonna do?

I'm gettin' off
this merry-go-round

and puttin' the money
where it's safe.

See ya in St. Louis,
Missouri, honey.

Joe!

Ha!

Faster, damn you!

Hey!

Hey!

You got
just what I want.

Now.

Where's she goin'?
Stop her!

- Hey!
- Hold her. Hold on here, now.

Oh, please!
No, please!

Now.

Let me go.
Hey, let me go, I tell you!

Let go, would you?!

Blast!

Don't go over there!
There's gonna be an explosion!

Stop it!

Stop!

There's two men
down there!

Boy, get outta there.

- The blast'll give 'em holes.
- Please! No, please!

$300,000
gone up in smoke!

Come on, you dope.

Where the hell are we?

Let's go.

Joe!

Bill!

Hey, Joe!

Lucy!

Boom!

Bill.

- Are you okay?
- No.

What's the matter?

- You hurt?
- Yes.

- Where?
- Here.

There's somethin' I wanna know
and I wanna know right now!

What the hell is
goin' on?

The whole thing's workin'
out just like we planned.

Hey!

Is this
the, uh, pay office?

Sure.
This is it.

Get in line, boys.

Come on, boys.

There's somethin'
for everybody right here.

Come on.

Hey, mister.

I wanna thank you for giving us the job
of blastin' a hole through that rock.

- I hope it suited ya.
- It was a very good job.

- Thanks.
- You almost smothered us to death, though.

Beautiful piece of work, Joe.
Really beautiful.

Don't thank me.
The credit goes to my partner.

Thanks, boys.

Thanks.

- This is it. Thanks.
- Thank you.

Here you are,
Jelly Roll.

Thanks.
It was a good job.

Mm-hmm.

Good job.

Thanks.

Thank you.

So I've been crossed
but not double-crossed.

That's about it.

There are times
in life...

when ya think money's the most
important thing that there is.

But once you get it...

maybe you wish
you didn't have it.

- Hey, where you goin' with the money?
- Hush, now.

Remember?

A ray of the dyin' sun touches
the tops of the highest mountains.

They seem bathed in blood.

And then the peaks throw long shadows
down to the bottomless valley.

In the blue sky
a hawk glides wide and easy.

- Wings cleavin' the air?
- Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Not that horse again.

Yatahey.

Here's the money,
Grandpa.

Why the hell are they
all dressed like this?

Isn't that the way
you wanted it?

Goodbye, Joe.

Why?
Where are we goin'?

Now you know why
I'm goin' with him.

We're gonna
screw America.

Bringing Grandpa, too?

He stays.
He represents the past.

The son of a bitch had it
all figured out.