A Fish in the Bathtub (1998) - full transcript

Sam (Jerry Stiller) and Molly (Anne Meara) are a classic bickering old couple, and their marriage has been forty years of sparring. Yet, when Sam refuses to move the carp he's keeping in their spare bathroom, Molly becomes fed up and unexpectedly leaves. Molly moves in with their grown son and starts dating an old friend. The couple's daughter convinces Sam to try to win his wife back and rediscover his own sense of romance.

foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
(projector sounds)

(soft jazz music)

(upbeat jazz music)

(rain falling)

(horn honking)

(thunder rolling)

(horn honking)

- Putz.

(upbeat jazz music)

(horn honking)

- Ah, a paying customer.



Hello, Mister.

Oh, what a night, huh?

- Give me two buns.

- Just two?

We got a lotta buns.

(speaking foreign language)

- [Sam] Just give me two of those.

- Don't I know you?

- I used to be where
the medicine store is.

- [Owner] A clothing store?

- Sam Kaplan's, ladies lingerie, the best.

- I remember.

I couldn't interest you maybe
in a nice piece of cheesecake?

Just kidding.



How about some cookies,
fresh from the oven?

- Just ring up the buns.

- You come out in a storm
like this for two measly buns.

Tell me, Mister, are you married?

- You think my mother would send me

out on a night like this?

(upbeat jazz music)

(horn honking)

(door closing)

- Sam, is that you?

- No, it's the Boston Strangler.

- What took you so long?

- What took me so long?

It was such a beautiful night,

I decided to take a stroll on the beach.

I felt so good afterwards, I dropped in

at Mrs. Bordnick's for a quickie.

I still had a lot of
energy left, so I went over

to the undertaker's and had them cancel

your half of the family plot.

Where the hell did you hide my sweater?

- Goodwill came by, they rejected it.

Be careful now, your feet are wet.

Don't track up my carpet.

What is that?

- What does it look like?

(water sloshing)

It's a fish.

I saw it in the tank at the
fish store, and I bought it.

- I didn't tell you to get a fish.

- I didn't get it for you.

I bought it for myself.

A little gift from me to me.

- It's alive.

- Congratulations.

- Take it back.
- I'm not taking it back.

(phone ringing)

- Well if you think
I'm cooking it for you,

just forget about it.

- I didn't ask you to cook it.

I wouldn't let you touch it.

(phone ringing)

Uh-huh.

- Sharon, hi, I knew it would be you.

- Is she still coming?

- Fine, fine.

He's making me crazy, what else is new?

How's Joel, and Melissa?

We're looking forward
to having her tomorrow.

Put it out, you know they give you gas.

- Is she coming?

- I'm sorry, honey, I was talking to Sam.

No, no, we're looking
forward to having her.

She's a wonderful help.

- I told you, never above six.

I'm not subsidizing the gas company.

Is she coming?

- Of course she's coming.

- Okayyyy.

- You and Joel will have
a night on the town.

Yes, okay dear, bye-bye.

(gas cooking)

(jazz music)

- Ch ch ch ch ch.

(jazz music)

- Where's my cigar?

- Where it belongs, in the garbage.

Here you go.

- What's this?

- [Molly] The buns you bought last night.

- What the hell are you giving me here?

- Would you start, we've gotta go.

And, I'm driving.

- If you're talking about
operating a motor vehicle

while I'm in the
passenger seat, forget it.

Let me have them.

- Look, my instructor thinks
I'm a very good driver.

- What does he know?

Is he gonna pay the insurance claim

when you have an accident?

Since I'm free, I can drive
you anywhere you need.

Give me those.

- What took you so long,
where's the roast beef?

- Fisher at the deli counter
tried to sell me an end.

- Give the girl the coupons.

(register beeping)

- What's this?

- Sam, please don't start.

(register beeping)

- You're telling me
you're outta toilet paper?

- Just this particular brand.

- [Molly] It's okay, I got
different toilet paper.

- I don't want different toilet paper.

I want my toilet paper.

We're not taking these,
take these off the bill.

- What's the problem today, Mr. Kaplan?

- We're out of the
bathroom tissue special.

- Just see me when you come
in next week, Mr. Kaplan,

and we'll be stocked up again,

and then we'll honor your coupon.

- I'm not supposed to take
a crap until next week?

- Stop it, you're embarrassing me.

- If I treated customers like
this when I had my store,

I never would have seen them again.

42 years in business, I never
pulled a stunt like this.

- Please, just pay the girl.

How much do we owe you?

(engine revving)

- All right, this'll just be a minute.

Let's go, baby.

Come on.

Going to Papa's.

Get up there and ring the bell, go on.

(doorbell ringing)

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Oh, there you are.

- Come on, sweetheart, I
need you in the kitchen.

- All right, so long, Pop.

- Hold on a second.

- Pop, I got clients waiting.

- The bulb's blown, it'll
take you two seconds, come on.

Come on, give me a break, will you?

I'll get a bulb, up there.

- Joel, you want some coffee?

- I can't, I'm not staying, Mom.

I got people waiting in the car.

- [Molly] Why are they waiting in the car?

- Look, the thing's full of flies.

- Here.

- This, the bulb's no good.

- What are you talking about?

It's practically brand new.

(bulb rattling)

You can't tell by shaking,
put it in, put it in.

Here, here, give me that.

Must be the fixture.

Ai.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, okay.

Take this one.

- Ow, it's only 40 watts,
Pop, it's too weak.

Pop, please, I got clients waiting.

- I got more bulbs in the kitchen.

- Joel, your friends are here.

- Maaaa.

- Sit down.

I'm sorry, this is all just
gonna be one minute more.

- [Molly] I felt terrible
with you waiting outside.

Now what can I offer you,
some coffee, some cake?

- That's very nice of you.

- The clients, how do you do?

- Pop.

- So you're buying a house.

- [Joel] Pop!

- Real estate is a wonderful investment,

if you know what you're doing.

I picked up this house
in 1955 for $17,000.

Today, Joel tells me I could
get for this house at least--

- 10 times that.

- 10 times what I paid.
- That's right, Pop.

- As a buyer, you gotta ask yourself,

what do they know that I don't?

Why are they selling?

- Pop.

- One, an old house is like a used car.

Major expenses are just around the corner.

You have to examine everything.

Two, they're speculating.

The hell with them.

- Okay, done.

- Three, the hidden costs,

transfer taxes, escrow fees,
the lawyers, inspectors.

They get you coming,
and they get you going.

- We're going now.

- And agents, oh, that's another story.

Some of them are just gangsters.

You're lucky with my
Joel, he's a good boy.

You don't have to worry about a thing.

- Thank you, bye.

- [Sam] Joel will take good care of you.

He's honest, and he knows real estate.

- Bye, Pop.
- All right.

- Wasting his time,
they're not serious buyers.

- Sorry about that.

- Yeah, Charles, listen, it's me again.

Just came in, 56, I wanna go to 56.

I'll take a chance.

(engine starting)

They're dumb but they're not dead, right?

(laughing)

(car beeping)

Yeah, yeah, we're house hunting.

Yeah, me and Tracy.

- She popped the clasp
on her lizard-skin purse.

Her eyes sparkled like
moonlight on a frozen lake.

She smiled at Mister Fister,
she reached out her bony hand

toward the money that he held.

Do you get it?

- Yeah, so, um,

the mean lady's trying to fool Mr. Fist,

and Mr. Fist knows that she's lying.

- Right, and maybe she has a gun

in her lizard-skin purse.

- I have to go pee,
Papa, don't read ahead.

- Okay, hurry up.

(screaming)

- Oh, you scared me.

I thought you hurt yourself.

Ohhh, honey, honey, oh.

- [Sam] So, you found the shark?

Melissa, honey, he's just a fish.

- You said you gave it back.

- [Sam] I never said anything of the kind.

- You're scaring her, it's okay.

- Look, he's smiling at you.

- [Molly] Sam!

- Nana, I have to pee bad.

- All right, honey, you
use our bathroom, okay?

Hurry up, go on.

You oughta be ashamed.

- Hello.

You guys home?

- Get that thing out of here now.

- The fish stays.

- If you don't get rid of it, I will.

- The fish stays!

Nobody's gonna hurt you, pal.

(humming)

- Hi.

(drawer slamming)

- Where's my lighter?

- Hi.

- Look where the hell she put it.

- Hey, where's the fire?

- Do you hear how she talks to me?

And in front of the child.

- If you're running away from home,

you should bring a change of underwear.

- Day in and day out, the same thing,

get me this, get me that.

Throw this out, throw that out.

What does she want from me?

- Take it easy, Sam.

- I don't know half the
time if I'm coming or going.

- Can we go home now?

Come on.

(soft piano music)

(chattering)

(soft music)

- You know, I have never
seen you so relaxed.

You can be very attractive
when you're not miserable.

- And why not?

We're young, we're free in an attached,

totally obligated sort of way.

I closed a deal today.

I feel, I feel great.

- I'm so happy for you, baby.

God, I love this place.

Remember you proposed
to me here at Adolpho's,

right at this table,
right by the fireplace?

- Of course I do.

- He was two classes ahead
of me in high school,

and he was really good-looking.

- Papa was good-looking?

- Oh yeah, when he was
young, he was very handsome.

All the girls thought so.

- But he never paid any attention to you.

- That's right.

And we were from different backgrounds,

and in those days that
made it more difficult.

- And then one day?

- And then one day he brought
me a box of chocolates,

and I knew he liked me.

- You never saw a box of
chocolates disappear so fast.

(laughing)

- Here.

We were both very shy.

In fact, the first time we
were ever alone together

was on our wedding night.

- What are you putting in her head?

She's six years old, for God's sakes.

- You were a blushing bride.

You told me so, Nana.

- What did we know?

We were a couple of kids.

- You're not gonna wear that jacket?

- Why not?

I like this jacket, what's wrong with it?

- Nothing, fine, wear it.

- Can I wear some lipstick tonight, Nana?

- Listen, I wanna talk about something.

- Uh-oh.

- I think it's time for Melissa to have

a little brother or sister.

I mean, you're doing fine,
and they say that I can teach

at home after the baby comes,
and we can afford it now.

And I don't think it's a good
idea to let too many years

pass between--

What, we always said we wanted two kids.

- That was before we had one.

- Come on, be serious.

- I am serious.

- We're not getting any younger.

- What is the rush?

Do you see any gray hairs?

- Of course you don't have gray hairs.

Except for maybe those two right there.

Come on, that's not what I meant.

- Well what did you mean?

I'm 31 years old, you're 30.

I am not getting old.

- What is the matter with you?

- Nothing.

I just, I don't wanna talk about it, okay?

- Fine.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, misdeal.

- Bea, are you bringing anybody
to my anniversary party?

- Bea, you have a friend?

- I'd rather not talk about it.

- What do you mean you'd
rather not talk about it?

Talk about it.

- There is somebody, but I
don't wanna rush into anything.

- I mean, it's only been, what, six years?

(laughing)

Listen, listen to this.

You know why Jewish
princesses have crow's feet.

Because they say you want me to do what?

(laughing)

- Don't worry, Abe, we're
not talking about you.

(laughing)

- Is anybody else hot in here besides me?

- Okay, full house.

- Get outta here.
- Come on.

(chattering)

- We need more ice, Sam.

Sam, you need more ice.

- I heard you.

(chattering)

I said I would get it.

- No, excuse me!

(chattering)

- [Bernie] How's your boy, Morris?

- Don't ask, he's giving
Frieda and me such grief.

Fordham Law, graduated
top third of his class,

has his pick of jobs anywhere.

He gives it all up, for what?

To become a musician, to follow his dream.

- I gotta go to the can, deal me out.

- One night last week, I go to a nightclub

where he's playing, the
place is pitch black,

but everybody's wearing sunglasses.

But let me tell you
something that happened.

I was approached.

- Oh, here we go again.

- So this girl comes up
to me, and she talks to me

like she thinks she knows me.

You know, very familiar.

She asks me what I'm drinking.

- Sounds like a waitress to me.

- So I ask her, does
she wanna have a drink?

And she says, I'm not allowed
to drink while I'm on the job.

- It's a waitress.

- Don't you get it, she's
suggesting that maybe after,

when her shift is over--

- You guys playing cards or what?

- [Morris] It dawns on me why
everyone's wearing sunglasses.

You been on the road, Bernie

you know what I'm talking about.

- Sam, would you open the window, please?

- Leave it shut.

- Well then put out the cigar.

The smoke is bothering Frieda.

- I don't hear anyone else complaining.

- Bothering you?
- No.

- Bothering you?
- No.

- Leave it shut.

- I don't like the smoke either.

- Stay out of this, Rose.

- That's right, stay the hell out of it.

- Don't talk to my wife like that.

- Molly, let it alone.

The smoke isn't that bad, Molly.

- This is my house, Bea, I can't breathe.

- What do you think you're doing?

- Nobody can breathe in
here with all of this smoke.

- I didn't put in air conditioning for you

to cool the whole goddamn world.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Now, you see, you had
to open your mouth, huh?

You had to open your mouth.

- What did I say, I didn't
say anything so terrible.

- He's got a fish in his bathtub.

- I hate that stinking crap.

Give me that.

- There's a fish in your bathtub.

- And your cigars don't stink?

- Sam, come on, sit down.

- Who asked you, mind your own business.

- Did you know there's
a fish in your bathtub?

- What's it to you?

- Ask him how it got there.

- Oh for Christ sake.

- Yeah, go ahead, ask
him how it got there.

Ask him, he brought it
home in a plastic bag

from somewhere, he
doesn't even remember why.

- And you're so perfect.

- Is that what you expect, perfection?

- I expect things to be done right.

- You don't know what that means.

Nothing is ever right for you.

- That's enough, shut up.

- Don't tell me to shut up.

No one can please you.

You couldn't keep help at the shop.

You drove them crazy, like
you're driving me crazy.

What's the matter with you?

- Shut up!

- [Molly] What do you want from me?

- [Sam] Shut up!

- You are miserable.

- Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Shut up!

(soft jazz music)

(door closing)

(soft jazz music)

- Come on, sweetheart.

- Ma, what's going on?

- Get in the car, honey.

- Pop?

What the hell is going on here?

- You tell me, you know
as much about it as I do.

- What's with Ma and the suitcase?

- If she wants to go, fine.

She can go to hell, for all I care.

- Pop, cut it out.

What happened?

- Look, you're a busy man,
don't let me keep you.

- I, I, I can't believe this.

(horn honking)

Okay, I'll call you when I get home.

- It's a free country!

(door closing)

- Come on, Nana, Nana's
having a sleepover.

- Oh, how nice.

(birds chirping)

(machine beeping)

- [Tracy] This message is for Joel Kaplan.

This is Tracy Loughlin.

We're both so excited about the house.

There are some things I need
to talk over with you, Joel.

My private number is 387-2481.

Call me.

(machine beeping)

(machine rewinding and beeping)

- Ho, well, here I am.

- It's okay.

Sometimes people just need
a break from each other.

- Yeah, I know.

- I brought you an extra blanket.

- Oh, thank you.

- You know where everything is.

We're downstairs, so come
down when you're ready.

- Okay.

(jazz music)

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- Hello, hi, Tracy, it's Joel Kaplan.

- [Tracy] Joel, I'm glad you called.

- So, how are you, I mean, how are you?

- [Tracy] Well I'm just fine.

- Uh, do you have some
questions about the house?

- Yes, I do.

Could we get together?

- Is there a problem?

- [Tracy] No, no, nothing's wrong.

It's just I have some last-minute things.

I'd really appreciate it
if you could help me out.

- Sure, um,

is there anything you'd like me to bring?

(giggling)

- Well, I'll leave that up to you.

Let's say Adolpho's, one
o'clock, you know Adolpho's?

- Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

- [Tracy] Great, I'll see you then.

- Okay, bye.

- What are you doing in there?

- Just talking to a client.

- Oh ho, big secret stuff, huh?

- No, I just left her number
here in the car, that's all.

(soft piano music)

- Aw, he was way outta line,
the way he yelled at her.

- He didn't yell, he screamed.

- Oh, so he screamed.

Did you ever scream at your wife?

- Never, I never screamed at my wife.

She screams at me.

(laughing)

(traffic passing)

Well, well, well, look
who's here, Mr. Hospitality.

Well, you put on quite a show, you know.

- So long as you enjoyed yourself.

I'll have salami and eggs.

- Hey, I'm fine, but thanks for asking.

- Hey, Sam, you got a cigar?

(laughing)

- Do me a favor, Katz, go fuck yourself.

(laughing)

- You okay?

I thought you were gonna burst
a blood vessel last night.

- Sam, you gonna take that
fish for a walk in the park?

- You can't walk a fish.

- You gotta drag a fish.

(laughing)

- Do you have any idea
what's going on here?

Do you have any idea what's
going on in my life right now?

- Sam, Sam, take it easy.

You're going through
something, that's all.

- You all make me sick.

- Hey, hey, what am I gonna do with this?

- Feed it to the vultures.

Here, here's for all of them.

- [Katz] Calling us vultures?

- [Morris] It's the carp
thing, the fish thing.

You never should have said
that thing about the fish.

- What do you do this for?

You got a pension, you'll catch

pneumonia on a day like this.

- It keeps me busy, and besides,

the exercise is good for me.

You should try it some time.

Listen, when we get to the
florist, go inside to use

the telephone, Rudy won't mind.

- I'm not calling, I wouldn't
give her the satisfaction.

- What is it with you?

Pride, or are you just plain stupid?

- I'm telling you, she'll be back.

What else is she gonna do?

- How you doing, Milo, morning, Sam.

- Hi ya.

- No windows today, I guess.

- Well, give it a few
minutes, it may clear up.

- Sam, where'd you get that jacket?

(laughing)

- I mean, it's been two hours already.

What is she, what is she doing up there?

- Would you sit down?

This whole thing'll blow
over, she'll calm down.

- I'm telling you, there's
something very wrong here.

- Your dad will call and apologize.

- Dad, never.

- Of course he will.

- Listen, she's left him
and she's moved in with us.

- Look, arguing is like,
it's like a hobby with them.

It doesn't mean anything.

- This isn't just some little argument.

These are my parents, for God
sake, these are crazy people.

- Anybody like a cup of tea?

- Ma, would you please
sit down and tell me

what the hell is going on here?

- Listen, kids, if I had
any place else to go,

I wouldn't trouble you this way.

The last thing I want is for you

to be upset because of me.

- This is ridiculous, I'm
phoning Pop right now,

and you're gonna settle this.

- No, I won't talk to him.

- Joel, hang up the phone.

- You wanna know what it is?

- No.

- I'll tell you exactly,
it's religious differences.

- What?

- To the day they died, her family never

got over the fact that she married me.

They must have poisoned her mind.

- Boy, that's dumb even for you.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, think about it.

- She converted, didn't she?

- (chuckles) That wore off.

- That's ridiculous.

- I see her talking to
Father Mularkey all the time.

- Malachy, Jesus.

- I wouldn't be surprised
if she sneaks off

to Mass when I'm not looking.

(door opening)

Sh, listen, huh?

What did I tell you, she's back.

- [Ruthie] Daddy?

- Oh.

- Well, you've really done it this time.

I don't suppose that you've been able

to talk any sense into him.

- Hello, Ruthie, dear.

- No, of course not.

Look at this place, Daddy,
could you clean up a little?

- A little dirt never hurt anybody.

Relax, you'll live longer.

- Hey, I'm gonna run along home now.

You guys have a nice conversation.

And, Ruthie, don't worry about anything.

It's all gonna turn out fine.

(scoffing)

Ruthie, Ruthie.

Boy, it seems like I
haven't seen you in ages.

When did you get so grown-up?

- You know, it's really
sweet that you say that to me

every time you see me, Milo,

but I'm hardly a little girl anymore.

- You'll always be sweet 16 to me, dear.

And you I'll talk to tomorrow.

- Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

What are you doing?

I begged you to get some therapy.

- Can we skip the touchy feely stuff, huh?

- She's not coming back.

She's just not coming back.

- It'll blow over.

- God forbid that you admit that you had

anything to do with this.

She's made a decision now,
and she's not coming back.

- Fine, me neither.

Now you listen to me, Ruthie.

I know what everyone thinks,
oh poor her, what a saint,

putting up with that son of a bitch.

Well that's her side.

I put up with plenty myself.

She wants to stay away,
fine, the hell with her.

- I can't listen to this.

- What are you doing?

(phone dialing)

- I just can't.

- [Joel] Hello.

- Hi, Joel.

- Okay.

- Yeah, I'm at Daddy's.

Put Ma on, Daddy wants to talk to her.

- You can hang up right now, come on.

- No, hey, hey.

Mm-hmm.

- It's Ruthie, she says
Pop wants to talk to you.

- Tell him I'm indisposed.

- [Joel] She's indisposed.

- Let me talk to Ma.

- It's Ruthie.

- Hi, Ruthie, he needs a secretary

to make his calls for him?

- Ask her, where did she hide my sweater,

the brown one with the
leather patches inside.

- Tell him the maid quit.

- You know, you're making
a goddamn fool of yourself.

Not that I give a damn, and
there's no food in the icebox.

- It's not an icebox, it's a refrigerator.

And if you wanna complain
about the service,

you better get used to
it, because I am finished.

You're on your own now.

- That's just fine by me.

- Good, then we agree.

- That'll be the day.

- Goodbye, Sam.

- Ma.

- Well that's very nice.

You must be proud of yourself.

- She'll be back.

- Honey, why aren't you asleep?

- I had a bad dream.

- [Molly] Oh, come on up here.

- [Melissa] Can I sleep in your bed?

- Okay, for a little
while, go on, get under.

- I miss Papa.

- Close your eyes, you'll seen Papa soon.

- Will you take me to see him?

- Your daddy'll take you to see him.

- But I want you to take me.

- I can't, honey.

- Are you mad at Papa?

- I don't know.

You know, sometimes people get upset.

Sometimes.

(sighing)

Close your eyes.

♪ Oh the buzzing of the bees
in the cigarette trees ♪

♪ Soda water fountain ♪

♪ Where the lemonade springs
and the bluebird sings ♪

♪ And the big rock in the mountain ♪

♪ Oh the big rock in ♪

(moaning)

- Joel.

Joel, wake up.

You were having a bad dream.

- Oh, I'm all right.

- What were you dreaming?

- Oh, uh.

Oh wow.

- Awww, are you okay?

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, it was that kinda dream, huh?

Come on.

- No, no, my mom's in the next room.

- So what, she's been here a week.

She could be here forever.

- No, no, sh sh sh.

Do you hear something?

(buzzing)

- Ma?

Ma?

- [Sharon] Molly, what are you doing?

- I couldn't sleep, and
I know how hard it is

to keep up with the housework.

- I'll do it tomorrow, in the daylight.

- Where is everything?

Where's my Honolulu cooler?

- The plastic pitcher with
the green liquid in it?

I threw it out.

- You threw it out?

- Yeah, but I washed the pitcher.

That stuff's no good for you, Joel.

It's nothing but sugar.

- It gives you pimples.

- Good morning, fish.

I hope you slept well,
because I sure didn't.

(water running)

I'm going out for a little while.

I'll be home early.

- We all get a little
overheated sometimes.

I could tell you stories
about me and Rose,

but what's the difference?

We work it out.

- If Frieda talked to me
the way Molly talked to Sam,

her bags'd be out on the
sidewalk in two minutes flat.

- Come on, Feldman,
everybody knows Freida's

got you wrapped around her little finger.

- [Morris] What about you,
Ida coughs and you cringe.

- Bullshit.
- Bullshit yourself.

- Watch it.

Hey, Sam, don't sit
over there by yourself.

Come on, pull up a chair.

- I wouldn't wanna interrupt anything.

- Don't worry about it, we
were just talking about you.

- So, how's the bachelor life?

- Compared to what?

- You doing all right, Sam?

- Ah, I'm getting along.

- Well me and Bernie are
planning a night out.

We're gonna go watch my
son play at a nightclub,

have a few drinks.

- Who knows what else might happen?

- Come along, live a little.

- I don't wanna go into that nonsense.

- You listen to these assholes,

you oughta have your head examined.

- What do you know?

- What do I?

I know when a putz stands
up, the brain sits down.

Look, leave him alone, will you?

He's doing a wonderful
job screwing up his life,

without any help from you guys.

- I love this place.

Don't you, it's so intimate.

- Is this your first time, here, I mean?

- No, I've actually been here
a couple of times before.

- I'm really happy about my house.

- It's a great house.

I drove the neighborhood
again, not too many kids.

I checked out the comparables,

I think we got a real bargain.

- I don't think I could have
ever done it without your help.

Especially since I'm married
to someone who doesn't care

where he lives, as long as it's
close to a railroad station.

- Hey, Joel, what are you doing over here

in the corner, hiding?

- No, I was actually
having lunch with a client.

We just closed a house deal.

- Oh.

- Matt, this is Tracy Laughlin.

Tracy, this is Matt Muglich.

- [Matt] Tracy, very nice to meet you.

- Hello, Matt.

- [Joel] Now Tracy and her
husband are buying a house.

- Oh, very nice.

Maybe I oughta pull up a chair, huh?

- No, no, actually, we were
just getting ready to go.

We just have a couple last details to, uh,

to work on the closing.

- Okay, well, Tracy, very
very nice to meet you.

- Same here.

- Hey, say hi to Sharon for me, huh?

- I will, I'll do that.

- [Matt] And, Melissa, how old
is she now, by the way, five?

- She's almost seven.

- Seven years old, whew,
man, the years fly by, huh?

To think you've been married that long.

Well, I was the best man at your wedding.

I should know, right?

- That's right, you were there, Matt.

- Hey, we're still on for Friday, right?

Whewwww.

- What's Friday?

- Uh, we play racquetball
together on Fridays.

- I didn't know you played racquetball.

I play racquetball.

- Oh you do?

- I love racquet sports.

(soft jazz music)

- Yoo-hoo, Mr. Kaplan, Sam.

I heard the news.

- It was on CNN?

- I made you some comfort soup.

- Thank you, but I don't
really need anything.

- Everyone needs something
at a time like this.

Jack's been gone for 10
years, I still cook for two.

Come over Friday night,
I'll cook you supper.

- I think I'm busy Friday.

- Too busy to eat supper?

Of course you'll come over.

Six o'clock.

(soft jazz music)

- I'm going to driving class,
I'll be back later, Joel.

- Okay.

- Good morning, Molly, you
look scrumptious this morning.

- Oh thank you, Howard.

- A good day for driving lesson, no?

- I hope so.

- Hello, Molly.
- Lou.

- Oh, thank you, Lou.

(soft jazz music)

(engine starting)

(upbeat dramatic music)

- Go ahead, ring.

- Shouldn't we knock?

- What is this, the UN?

- Can you see him?
- No.

- [Ida] Remember, don't antagonize him.

- I don't intend to say a word.

- I gave already.

Why don't you all come in?

- You should be ashamed of yourself.

- Frieda, we agreed, I'll do the talking.

We are here to convey to you our--

- Unanimous disapproval.

- Our unanimous disapproval
of your behavior.

- I've never seen such a
thing, like a wild animal.

- Frieda, excuse me, was I talking?

- I mean wolves behave better.

They stay with their wives.

I saw that on the Discovery Channel.

I shouldn't even call you an animal.

An animal attacks only
when they're threatened.

Who threatened you?

- Come on, let's go.

- Hold on a minute.

- We've come for Molly's things.

- All of them.

- Fine, go ahead, I can
use the closet space.

And close the door on your way out.

- We should be careful.

We don't wanna push him over the edge.

- What edge?

- He could go elsewhere,
you know, another woman.

- Oh sure, he could go elsewhere.

But elsewhere wouldn't go to him.

- [Frieda] Anything but that.

- Why this is one of Molly's favorites.

- Who was in retail for
27 years, Rose, you or me?

- Going Going Gone Travel.

Mm-hmm, hi.

Yeah.

Yeah, there are indoor
toilets on the island.

Uh-huh.

No no no.

No, civil insurrection is not
covered in the refund clause.

- Come on, I'm double
parked, Ruthie, could--

- Okay, okay.

You know what, I'm gonna
call you back in five.

Yes I will.

Yeah, five, I will, all right, bye-bye.

- The Africa trip's on four.

She wants to know about the camels.

- What about the camels?

- She wants the two-hump kind.

She said she'll cancel
if we can't guarantee it.

- You know what?

Can you stall her till
I think of something?

- Sure, I'll take care of it.

- Who's the guy?

- Blake is my new assistant.

And Joel, it's a big booking,

so this better be important, all right?

- She's having an affair.

- Sharon?

- Ma.

- Ma?

- Some aging Don Juan
in her driving class.

She's going out on dates with the guy.

- Ma is with some guy?

What does his father do?

- Ha ha ha, it's not funny, Ruthie.

I think she should move in with you.

Your place is small, she
won't feel comfortable there.

It'll force her back to Pop.

- No.

- Why not, you're not living with anybody.

I mean, the scuba diver moved out.

- Oceanographer, and I can't right now.

- Him?

- Shut up.

- God you're selfish.

- I'm selfish, I'm selfish?

Joel, that is exactly
the kind of criticism

that I do not need in my
life right now, all right?

This is a boundary issue, Joel.

I am, you know what,
I'm just gonna let this

roll of my back like I was a duck, okay.

And besides, I'd be careful if I were you.

I would, all right?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- I'm talking about people
who live in glass houses

and sit at the table by the fireplace

at Adolpho's, all right?

- What, you talked to Matt
Muglich, that scumbag?

- I cannot be--

You're cheating on
Sharon, I could just die.

- It was a client lunch, for Christ sakes.

What, she had some questions, we decided

to go to lunch, that's it.

- Yeah, I don't believe you.

- You know, I don't care.

It's none of your business anyway.

- It is my business.

- It is.
- Don't change the subject.

- I'm not changing the subject.

- She's your mother too.

- Joel, I am busy here.

- Look, you wanna leave it all
to me and Sharon, is that it?

You're not gonna help us out at all!

(yelling)

- It's okay, it's okay, Blake.

It's just, it's my brother.

He's on his way out.

- I hate you!

- It's been two weeks already.

She's had her entire wardrobe shipped in.

Where's my lettuce dryer?

I can't find anything.

Did you talk to her?

I knew it.

(door knocking)

- Yeah.

- Do you have a minute, Molly?

- [Molly] For my beautiful
daughter-in-law, always.

- Oh wow, that's so nice.

- Not only my daughter-in-law,
but my friend.

- Oh yeah, me too.

That's why I wanted to tell you that

there needs to be more
discussion of your plans.

What your role might be
here if you were to stay.

You know, for a long time?

- What do you feel my
role should be, Sharon?

- Okay, this isn't
coming out right at all.

You know we love you.

Melissa loves you.

- She is a great kid, and
you are a wonderful mother.

Yes you are.

- Really? Oh wow.

You know, Molly, I'm just
afraid if you stay here

much longer we're not
gonna be such good friends.

- Oh, honey.

I can call Ruthie, I
can stay on her couch.

- Oh no, her apartment is too small.

That would drive you crazy.

- Yes, but my being here
is driving you crazy.

- No no no, it's not that I'm crazy, yet.

I just feel that.

Here's the thing, I think
we can work this out.

It's just that,

I can't find anything
in my kitchen anymore.

- Oh, that.

Well, now that is just
a question of system.

- It's okay, it's okay, I mean,

it's probably better organized now anyway.

- You know, I always had a
sense of where things belong.

I'll explain the whole
system to you, it's simple.

Once you get the hang of it,

you will never go back to your old system.

- Oh, no, how could I, of course not.

- But if you think I should leave?

Sharon, it's your decision.

- No.

No, I think it's gonna be fine, Molly.

You're welcome to stay, really you are.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

(dish sizzling)

- Sam, I'm so glad you're home.

I was worried you forgot
about your date tonight.

- I was just getting ready to go out.

- What are you afraid of,
I'm not gonna bite you.

Come on.

- I'll be a few minutes.

- Okay.

(birds chirping)

- This is the living room.

- You got a deal on birds?

- You like them?

- To me, a bird is a bird.

I don't bother them, they don't bother me.

(laughing)

(oven timer buzzing)

- Perfect timing, come, come on.

(birds chirping)

(sighing)

(birds chirping)

- Mm-hmm.

- Hmm, hmm?

- It's fine, it's very good.

- Oh.

- Can you pass me the salt?

- Ah, I got used to cooking
without salt when Jack got sick.

You get used to doing without
certain things after a while.

(chuckling)

(birds chirping)

- It's not too late.

When he shows up, I can get rid of him.

I'll tell him you moved.

- Joel, you're really
getting on my nerves.

Please stop it.

Do I look all right?

- You look great.

(doorbell ringing)

- He's here!

- [Molly] Okay.

- Lou.
- Hello, Molly.

- Well, don't you look spiffy tonight?

- I brought you a copy of that book

that I was telling you about.

- The Guinness Book of Records, wow.

Thank you, Lou.

(throat clearing)

This is my son, Joel.

- How do you do, Joel, it's a pleasure.

You have a beautiful home here.

- We like it.

- Look, look what Lou brought me.

- Oh yeah, that's a great book.

- This is my daughter-in-law, Sharon.

- How do you do, Sharon?

- Hello.

- And my little jewel, Melissa.

- Oh, hello little jewel.

- I'm not a little jewel.

(chuckling)

- Kids.

- Where are you taking
my mother this evening?

I want you to know that I don't
approve of the whole thing.

I can understand how you feel.

But you don't have to worry about a thing.

Your mother is in good hands.

I've had my driver's
license for over a week.

And besides, what with these new cars,

they practically drive themselves.

They have digital maps,
compasses, they talk to you.

- I think we should go now, Lou.

- They give you directions,
and if you don't

know where to go they
give you an itinerary.

- I really think should run.

Come on, Lou, bye.

- Bye, Nana.
- Bye, sweetheart.

- [Sharon] Nice to meet you.

- [Lou] Goodnight.

- Nice to meet you?

I can't believe you just said that.

- Oh, listen to this, Joel.

A mother-in-law in the Ural Mountains

logged an 87-year visit
to the home of her son,

cut short only by the avalanche of 1871,

which destroyed their entire village.

- [Lou] Well, what do you think?

- Ooh, it's so, so new.

Oh no, I couldn't.

- Come on, come on.

- I shouldn't.

Oh boy.

Woo.

(engine revving)

(tires squealing)

- Well, you cooked a
good dinner, thank you.

I told some friends I would meet them,

so I'm a little late.

- Look, look.

It's natural that you're down in the dumps

at a time like this.

I thought a little conversation

might get your mind off
things, huh (chuckles)?

- Listen, Mrs. Rosen, Silvia,

I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but there's a situation here that

conversation isn't going to solve.

The fact of the matter is,
my wife drives me crazy.

And if you asked her, she would tell you

the same thing about me.

- So what else is new, that's marriage.

- If that's marriage, who needs it?

- You got a better system?

So what are you gonna do, you
gonna fight with strangers?

You think that, that
every time Jack brought in

one of his (foreign
language) $500 canaries,

that I didn't wanna throw him

and the bird out into the street?

One time, I was so upset with him,

I took a bus down to his office.

I let out all the air on his tires.

He never found out who did it.

(laughing)

It was war.

- That's exactly what it is, it's war.

- Oh, but.

Sometimes, even in a war,
you have to call a truce.

Sometimes you have to,

you have to give in a little.

Go on over there and make up.

Believe me,

fighting with somebody
is better than not having

anybody to fight with at all.

- I just want to say congratulations.

I am proud of all of you for
passing your driver's tests.

(applause)

Yes, very good.

And I know you think you have
answered all the questions

correctly, but I have one more question.

What's the one time an alert driver

is not in control of the vehicle?

Anybody.

(murmuring)

When he sneezes.

- The sneeze, of course, the
heart stops, the eyes close.

You can't drive like that, I should have.

- Of course not, here we are.

- Oh, no thank you, I think
I'm the designated driver.

- Don't worry, it's nonalcoholic.

- Okay, thank you.

- The rate at which one gets inebriated

depends on many factors.

General physical condition,
level of fatigue,

and body weight.

Molly, what do you weigh?

It's in the interest of science.

- I, I'm, really I'm not
that interested in science.

- Oh.

♪ No no no, no no ♪

♪ No no no no ♪

♪ Not a warning, not a warning ♪

♪ I don't wanna know ♪

♪ I'm growing out my hair
and I'm changing my ways ♪

♪ I'm gonna stay in bed
till the end of the day ♪

♪ The summer, the spring ♪

♪ The winter and the fall ♪

♪ The birds and the bees ♪

♪ And the lake and the trees ♪

♪ I don't want it ♪

♪ No I don't want it ♪

♪ I don't want it, no no no ♪

♪ No I don't want it ♪

♪ I don't want it ♪

♪ I don't want it, noooooooooow ♪

(upbeat guitar solo)

(applause)

- I could hear every word.

- Even as a kid, Allen was artistic.

- [Bernie] He's following his dream.

- Dad.

- That was a great song, Allen.

- Thanks, glad you liked it.

- Aren't you going to
introduce us to your friend?

- Oh, sorry, yeah.

This is Sheila.

- [Morris] Sheila who?

- Tagliaferro.

- [Morris] I'm Allen's dad.

- Hi, Dad.

- Sit down, take a load off.

- Here, take my seat.

I'm gonna get myself a beer.

I'll be back in a minute.

- [Allen] Thanks.

- So, Sheila, have you known Allen long?

- Not so long.

We just met tonight actually.

- Ah.

- Of course, there are many other things

that can cause accidents.

Velocity, mechanical condition
of the braking system,

road conditions, so forth and so forth.

And of course, personal response time.

- Personal response time, very important.

- Now, personal response time itself

can be affected by several factors.

- Particularly if you happen
to be sneezing at the time.

- No, that's an entirely separate issue.

Now.

(soft music)

♪ I don't want it ♪

- Hi.

- Hi yourself.

♪ I don't want it ♪

- I love that song.

What, you don't like it?

No, no, I like it.

Don't want what, exactly?

- Oh you know.

Anything you don't want.

- Mm-hmm.

I hadn't thought of it that way.

- Because I bet there's
something in your life

that you don't want, right?

- Oh believe me.

- My name is Heather.

- Sam, Sam Kaplan.

- Hi, Sam.
- Hi, Heather.

(laughing)

- Would you like a drink?

- Sure, that'd be great, I'll have a beer.

- Can we have another beer here, please?

- I like you, you're cute, you know that?

- At my age, all I get left is my looks.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah.

You come here often?

- Every chance I get.

I get really tense at work,
and the music relaxes me.

- I get tense myself sometimes.

- Oh yeah, what do you do, Sam?

- I'm retired, I used to be
in the clothing business,

but I sold out.

- Oh, I bet you made a bundle.

- Oh, well, I wouldn't say that exactly.

- You know, I was married once.

Didn't work out, though.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

- It's okay.

It only lasted a couple of
months, no permanent damage.

- Oh.

- I bet you been married
a long time, though, huh?

- Well, 40 years.

- 40 years, you're kidding.

- 40 years, no, I'm not.

- That's fantastic, you look so young.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Hey, babe.

- Hi, Sean.

Where you been?

- Working late.

We're going over to Sally's, let's go.

- Cool.

Oh, it was real nice talking to you, Sam.

Thanks for the beer.

- Yep.

Hmm.

(chattering)

(soft jazz music)

(window squeaking)

(soft jazz music)

- [Joel] That's them.

- Joel!

- Thank you, Lou, I had a lovely time.

It was very

informative.

- Oh, I'm glad.

What a lovely evening.

(soft jazz music)

Let's do it again sometime.

- Excuse me, excuse me.

Do you two have any idea what time it is?

I have been worried sick.

- Joel, what are you doing up?

- Worrying?

(siren blaring)

(radio chattering)

- [Molly] What's going on over there?

- I don't know, Ma, the
cops'll take care of it.

Come on, we're going to bed.

- Do you live around here, sir?

- You got it all there
on the driver's license.

- Would you step away from the car, sir?

- Looks like somebody's
being arrested, I can't tell.

Lou, can you see?

- Just step away from the car, sir.

- Uniform and a pistol and you
guys think you own the world.

- Would you walk a little for me, sir?

- Hey don't push, don't push.

- [Officer] Registered to a
Sam Kaplan on Oakmont Avenue.

- That's at least 10 miles from here.

- [Sam] So what if it is?

- [Sharon] Joel, what's
going on down there?

- I'll be up in a minute.

Ma, please.

- Less than 10% of all arrests

in the United States end in conviction.

- That few?

- It's in the World Almanac,
I'll lend you my copy.

- This guy's license
expired six months ago.

- Sir, are you aware you're
driving with an expired license?

- What are you, the Gestapo?

You guys lost the war,
don't you remember, come on.

- All right, that does it, buddy.

Spread 'em.

You have the right to remain silent.

- I had no idea you had problems like this

in your neighborhood, Joel.

- I think maybe it's time for
you to go home, Mr. Moskowitz.

- Oh.

I've enjoyed the evening, Molly.

- Me too, Lou, thanks again, goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- You, you, homewrecker,
wait'll I get my hands on you!

- Sam?

- In my son's house, in
front of my grandchild!

Ow!

- Pop?

(phone ringing)

- You okay, Pop?

- [Officer] Sign here.

- My back is turned for five minutes,

and you're running around
till all hours of the night?

Having me arrested?

- I didn't have you
arrested, are you crazy?

- I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.

I saw you, the both of you.

And in your house.

- You were spying on me?

- Are you all right, Daddy?

- Of course I'm all right,
why wouldn't I be all right?

My back is turned for five
minutes, and my wife is running

around till all hours of
the night with another man!

- Pop, with the voice.

- Don't with the voice me.

- All of a sudden you're
so interested in what I do?

All of a sudden you give a damn?

- I forbid you to go out with another man.

- Forbid me?

I've got news for you, you
don't forbid me anything.

- Tell him, girlfriend.

- Hey, don't let her talk to you that way.

- Daddy, I'm gonna call Eldon Krantz.

- Who, that fisher witch doctor?

The one you went out with for a whole year

and he dropped you like a hot potato?

- Don't you talk to Ruthie like that.

- I'll talk to Ruthie any way I want.

I wasn't talking to you anyway.

- Can you take your family
problems out on the street?

- Another stormtrooper heard from.

- Pop!

- This is what I have to put up with.

You open your month, and snakes come out.

- You wanna talk to me, talk to my lawyer.

- You don't have a lawyer.

- I'll get one.

- Don't let them get
you no public defender,

because those guys, they don't know shit.

- And in my own son's house.

- Oh come off it, Pop, where did you

want her to stay, at the Y?

- [Officer] Will you please get
your father out of here now?

- Let's go, Pop.

- Daddy, you need to have
somebody look at your head.

- [Sam] My head is fine,
don't worry about it!

You're the ones who are crazy!

(birds chirping)

- [Joel] Ma, you didn't
even give him a chance.

- I'm supposed to make
pleasant conversation?

Come on, he's worse than ever.

- Why'd you let him walk
away like that, though, Mom?

Poor Daddy.

- Poor Daddy.

He's the saint and I'm the villain.

Because he's miserable, I
have to be miserable too.

No thank you.

If he wants a dog to
kick, let him get one.

- You know what he said to me when

I told him I was getting married?

You should only find the same happiness

I've had with your mother.

- He said that?

- Well, maybe he mumbled it.

- What happened to your head?

- Nothing, I bumped it rushing over here

so I wouldn't miss the early-bird special.

- Ohhhh.

- What's this?
- What's what?

- I see a piece of cellophane.

- Cellophane?

That's not cellophane,

that's the natural casing in the salami.

Cellophane?

- Hey, hey, Stub.

- Milo, what'll you have?

- Try the cellophane special.

- I'd like to, but I gotta
lotta work to do today.

- Have some coffee.

- [Milo] Yeah, I heard about your escapade

with the boys in blue.

- What about it?

- Well, I gotta tell you
Sam, you look like hell.

- You know what Ruthie
had the nerve to tell me?

I should see a therapist.

Another county heard from.

- [Milo] You need to
talk to somebody, Sam.

- You go, you tell me all about it.

- Why don't you talk to your rabbi?

- I sold my golf clubs.

- Then talk to Father Malachy.

He's known you both for a long time.

- Over my dead body.

I don't have to talk to anybody, period.

- Good, fine, you wanna bullshit yourself?

You go right ahead, just
don't try to bullshit me.

You got yourself in a mess,

and you don't know how to get out of it.

- Are you finished?

- No I'm not finished.

You got your health, you
got food on the table,

you can take a holiday now and then.

And whether you wanna believe it or not,

you got a great wife
and a wonderful family.

So what is your problem?

People don't jump anymore
when you open your mouth?

Your memory starts to fade now and then?

Your joints ache a little when
you get up in the morning?

Join the club.

You wanna take something
God-given and precious

and flush it down the toilet, be my guest.

Just leave me out of it.

Now I'm finished.

- Who asked your opinion anyway?

I don't have to take
this crap from anybody!

(engine failing)

- Damn.

- Pop.

- Oh, hi.

- What are you doing?

- I hate this thing.

- It's probably the spark plug.

- You know how to do all this?

- These things get
fouled up after a while.

- [Sam] Everything does.

- When's the last time you gave

this lawnmower some attention?

- I don't remember.

- You're not even gonna
ask me about Mom, are you?

- I am not.

(birds chirping)

- Don't you care?

- You wouldn't understand.

You're implicated in this, Joel.

If not for you, she would still be here.

You drove the getaway car.

- That is the most pathetic
thing I've ever heard.

- You shoulda brought her right back.

- Do you know why I came here today?

- The lawnmower repair company sent you?

- I came here to see you,
to see how you're doing.

- Look around, I'm doing fine.

I've had a couple of rough days.

Food coulda been better.

So, how's your mother?

- As stubborn as you.

(lawnmower starting)

- I'm impressed.

- What?

- Good for you.

- Huh?

- Forget it.

- You're good.

- Great game.

You're good.

- Yeah, not good enough, you're amazing.

(door knocking)

- Hey, Joel, Tracy.

How about a little doubles?

- No, I gotta get home.

- Why, what time is it?

- Five after seven.

- Oh, shit, I told Peter I'd pick him up

at the railroad station at 7:30.

I had fun.

Call me.

See you, Matt.

- Nice.

- What are you doing, man?

- What?

- What'd you say to Ruthie?

- Nothing, absolutely nothing.

She kept asking me questions.

- There's nothing going on
here, absolutely nothing.

- No, yeah, I can see that.

- I have to tell you something
before we get in there, okay?

- What are you talking about?

(clearing throat)

- Joel has a girlfriend, okay?

- What do you mean, that's impossible.

- No, no, it's not impossible.

Trust me, they all do it.

- Why would you say
something like that, Ruthie?

They don't all do it, Joel doesn't do it.

Where did you hear that?

- Someone saw him with
someone at Adolpho's.

- Who saw him?

- Matt Muglich saw him
with a very attractive

blonde woman at Adolpho's.

- At Adolpho's, what, in the lounge?

Were they at the table by the fireplace?

Is that where they were?

You know, that's where he proposed to me.

I can't believe it, at Adolpho's?

- Sh, sh, sh.

And at the racquetball place, okay,

but I'm backing out now.

This is really, it's an
issue for you and Joel.

All right, so.

- [Eldon] Ruthie, how are you?

- Hi, Eldon.

Dr. Krantz (clears throat).

- And Mrs. Kaplan, it's lovely to see you.

And I'm guessing this
would be Joel and Sharon.

Mr. Kaplan, how are you?

May I call you Sam?

- Stay with Mr. Kaplan.

That's what you called me when you

were trying to get into Ruthie's pants.

- Daddy.

- Please.

- Okay.

- I realize it might seem unwieldy,

all of us meeting like this,
but it's been my experience

that getting together as a
family is almost essential

if we're going to have a
chance to sort things out.

Now, we all have things
bottled up inside us.

It's like, um, like a spider's web.

And we have to find a
way to unravel the thread

so we can find our way
out of the labyrinth.

(scoffing)

- Daddy, Daddy, it's a metaphor.

- I know it's a metaphor.

- I only intended that as a metaphor

for the confusion that we
all feel in our daily lives.

That's a natsuki.

- Natsuki?

- Yeah, of course the Americans tend

to pronounce it nat-soo-kie,

but the Japanese prefer it natskay.

It's, it's quite valuable.

- At your rates, they could be bigger.

- Oh my God.

- Are you okay, Molly?

- It's fine, I'll be fine in a minute.

- Would you like some
water or perhaps some tea?

- Yeah, tea.

(bell ringing)

- [Eldon] Marlena, would you bring in

some tea for Mrs. Kaplan please?

- [Sam] Can I ask a question?

- That's what we're here for.

- We all come in this room
here, and you wave your

magic wand and everything's
gonna be hunky dory?

- If you had the wand, Sam,

what would you do with it?

- Give me that wand for five minutes,

and I'd show you some changes.

- I'm going to the bathroom.

- Me too.

- Daddy, Joel, sit down.

Sit down!

- Admit it, Joel, you're having an affair.

- Well.

I don't understand.

- You're having an affair
with her, aren't you?

That blonde client, right,
she's the one, isn't she?

All the talks and the calls in the garage

and the muttering in your sleep,

and, oh, they're racquetball games, right?

Admit it.

- I haven't done a thing.

- Oh, I see, you're
just thinking about it?

- Everybody thinks about
it, thinking doesn't count.

- I hope I'm not interrupting.

- No no no, not at all, just put it

in front of Mrs. Kaplan, please.

- Thank you.

- Thank you, Marlena.

Um, could we just slow down a minute here?

Ruthie, I thought this was
about your mother and father.

- It's her, it's her?

You left me for Marlena?

- Ruthie, this is hardly
the time or the place.

- I'm sorry, but that reject
from a Thighmaster infomercial?

- Ruthie, you and I walked together

for a few blissful moments,
and then our paths diverged.

- I told you he was a putz.

- Yeah, you were a real prick
the way you treated my sister.

- Yeah, the glass house speaks.

- You're despicable.

- I didn't do anything!

- I don't believe you.

- I don't either.

- That's enough outta
you, you've done enough!

- Hey, you leave her alone.

- That's right.

- Stop it, just stop it.

- Joel, you cheated on Sharon?

- Pop, I didn't, I swear.

- If you're having problems.

- Mr. Problem Solver, what a laugh.

- Okay, there's nothing to talk about.

Nothing is going on.

- You cheater.

- [Ruthie] I can't believe you.

- I mean, at Adolpho's, you bastard.

- Sharon.

- [Sam] You should talk
to me if you have--

- It's, it's, it's, there's
nothing to talk about.

- Joel, Ruthie, Sharon,
Mr. and Mrs. Kaplan,

can we all calm down for just a moment?

- Joel, you're pathetic.

- I'll kill you!

- I'll kill you.

(watch beeping)

- Well, it would seem that our time is up.

- What do you mean, our time is up?

- Now now now, let's not get discouraged.

The first sessions are
usually a bit complicated,

which is why I prefer to make
them as brief as possible.

But I think we had a real,
made some real progress here.

Maybe even a breakthrough.

Marlena, would you call
Dr. Bienstock for me?

I'm feeling a lot of tension
in my chest, and I think

it would be a good idea to
see him as soon as possible.

- I didn't get to drink my tea.

- Where's Milo?

I gotta tell him what happened

at the shrink doctor's
yesterday, he won't believe it.

What's the matter?

- Sit down, Sam.

- What's wrong?

- We just heard from Milo's sister.

She tried to phone you,
but you musta been out.

Milo was rushed to the
hospital this morning.

He had a stroke.

- How is he?

Oh my God.

Milo.

He was meeting me here.

I have to talk to Milo.

I need to talk to him.

(door opening and closing)

- Sam?

Are you here?

Sam?

Where are you?

Sam, please, don't do this.

This, this isn't a time to be alone.

- The last time I saw
him, we had a big fight.

- That doesn't matter.

- He was my best friend.

He lived alone his whole life,

and now, when he really needed me,

I wasn't there.

- How could you know?

(hard breathing)

- I can't put him in the ground.

Don't look at me.

- No no, that's okay, go ahead, go ahead.

(crying)

- Stay a little while, will you?

- A little while.

(soft jazz music)

- [Priest] Because God has
chosen to call our brother Milo

from this life to Himself,

we commit his body to the Earth.

For we are dust, and unto
dust we shall return.

Eternal rest, grant unto him, oh Lord,

and let perpetual light shine upon him.

May the peace of God, which
is beyond all understanding

keep your hearts and minds
in the knowledge and love

of God, and of His son,
our Lord Jesus Christ.

May almighty God bless you,

the father, the son and
the Holy Spirit, Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Go in the peace of
Christ, thanks be to God.

- Thanks be to God.
- Thanks be to God.

(birds chirping)

(chattering)

(doors opening and closing)

- Daddy, are you okay to go back alone?

- Yeah, sure.

So, what about you, Ruthie,
is everything okay with you?

- Everything's pretty good for a change.

- That's good.

- Work's going well.

- Are you seeing anybody?

- This guy I work with.

- Is he a nice fella, is he serious?

- Well he invited to go to
Mexico with him this weekend.

- In my day, you invited
someone to go to the movies.

- Dad, things are different today.

- You're telling me.

If he's serious, okay.

If he wants the honeymoon
before the marriage.

- Maybe I want the honeymoon
before the marriage.

- Listen, I want you
to do something for me.

Tell your mother it's time to come home.

- Daddy, you have to tell herself.

- Everything I do makes it worse.

- You have to keep trying.

- Yeah.
- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

(humming)

(soft jazz music)

♪ They went upon their
heavenly honeymoon ♪

(soft jazz music)

(hangers rattling)

(soft jazz music)

(hangers rattling)

(soft jazz music)

(water rippling)

- What do you think?

You think she'll go for it?

Wish me luck.

- Rudy, how much for a dozen roses?

- Which ones?

- Those, the yellow ones, over there.

- Ahhh, the yellow ones.

$40 a dozen.

They come all the way from Chile by air.

- [Sam] You got any seconds?

- Are they for someone
special in your life, Sam?

- Yeah.
- Yeahhhhh.

- You could so say.

- Then you gotta buy them.

When they open up full,
they'll take your breath away.

They're so beautiful.

- Well if that's the price of love.

(doorbell ringing)

(soft jazz music)

- Oh, Lou.

- Hello, Molly.

- Oh, they're beautiful.

Let me put them in water before we go.

- Watch out for the thorns.

I'll give you a hand.

(upbeat jazz music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Papa!
- Papa!

- Hi ya, honey.

- Can I smell?

- Oh sure, there you go.

- Oh hi, Sam.

Those are so beautiful.

- Sam.

How are you?

- I'm fine.

- Oh, you remember Lou Moskowitz
from my driving school.

- Hello, Sam.

(glass breaking)

- [Sam] Oops (chuckles).

- Sorry.

- Here, sweetheart, these are for you.

I picked them out special,
because I know you like flowers.

(slow jazz music)

- Hello?

Tracy?

(slow jazz music)

Hello?

Hi.

- Joel, hi, I didn't expect you.

- I called your house, your
housekeeper said you were here.

- Yeah, I was just taking
a last look around.

Buying a house seemed so easy at first,

but it really is quite
an emotional experience.

- I don't know anyone who
doesn't have a moment of panic

when they make up their mind.

Are you having any second thoughts?

- No, no, not really.

Are you?

- To tell you the truth, I
have a feeling that I'm in

something way over my head here.

That's what I came over to tell you.

I'm not, I, this is, it's.

- It's all right, I'm not surprised.

I knew right after our racquetball game.

- I'm an idiot, I feel like such a jerk.

- Don't apologize.

- Because it's not you, I mean really,

you're a very desirable
woman, you're lovely.

- Very desirable.
- It's okay, really.

- It's just that I, I can't handle it.

Who knew I'd be such a chicken?

- These things happen.

Woulda been fun, though.

- Thanks for being so--

- Yeah, bye.

- Hey, Tracy, you wanna
try out the Jacuzzi?

Joel, hey, man, how the hell are you?

I mean, uh.

See Tracy, Tracy and me, we, uh.

I mean, let's see, uh, yeah, I called her

a couple of times to play at the club,

and then, she called me to you know,

see the new house, great, great.

- Hey, hey, Matt, Matt,
it's okay, it's okay.

- No offense, man, I uh.

- None taken.

- Hey.

Hey, Joel, are we still on for Friday?

- Hi, Melissa.
- Hi, Billy.

- I don't like boys.

- I'm a boy, don't you like me?

- You're not a boy, you're a Papa.

I don't like, Billy, he teases me.

- Sometimes that's how boys tell girls

they like them, by teasing.

- I don't like it when he teases me.

- I tease you sometimes.

I say, how'd you get so ugly?

You know I don't mean it.

I mean, you're so pretty.

- Papa?

Why are you mean to Nana?

- Did she say that?

- No, but I saw you
yell at her lotsa times.

That's why she came to stay with us.

- Well, I'll try to explain.

Sometimes, even when people want to,

they can't find a way to get along.

Sometimes, even when they try real hard,

they can't make it work out.

- Can I go play?

- I want you to remember me.

- I remember you, Papa.

- Play.

(children chattering)

(upbeat jazz music)

(horn honking)

(upbeat jazz music)

(horn honking)

- What's all this stuff?

Fuzzy antlers, little dried up seahorses.

What do you tell people?

Take two of these and call in the morning.

- I recognize you.

- [Sam] Yeah, this used to be my store.

- Yeah, I know that.

- I just came by to look around.

- Oh, look around, take your time.

- What happened to the rest of it?

- I put it all up the middle,

and my son-in-law has the
shop on the other side.

- Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

How's business?

- Good, good, I can't complain.

- This stuff works?

- Of course it works.

Look at all this, gensing,
goli, and rhinoceros horn.

- Rhinoceros horn?

- Yeah, powerful stuff.

Do you have an ailment?

- I have a bum knee, nothing helps.

- And, uh, how is your erection?

(chuckling)

- How's yours?

- Oh, I have something, just
the thing for your knee.

Read the direction,

although it's in Chinese.

(water rippling)

- They've been using it
in China over 1,000 years.

They must know something.

What would you know about knees?

You've been spending your
whole life swimming around

with millions of other fish.

Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh with your tail.

Me, I spent my whole life with one woman.

You think that's easy?

You try it sometime.

Then she walks out on me.

Picks up with some
nobody with a fancy car.

I should never have let
her take driving lessons.

That was my first mistake.

Take my advice, you meet
a nice lady fish someday,

she asks you for swimming
lessons, say no, immediately.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Come on, guys, come on.

(upbeat jazz music)

Come on.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Congratulations, Rose.

- Thanks, Ruthie.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Hello, Joel.

Party, Joel, hi, Sharon.

- You wanna dance?

- I don't think so.

- Why, you always liked to dance.

- Yeah, well, that was before.

- Before what?

- Before that woman, that
blonde woman with the big tits.

- She didn't have big tits.

- You did, didn't you?

- I didn't.

I swear, I'd kill myself if I did.

- All right, you better not have.

- Oh, ow.

(upbeat jazz music)

(light applause)

- Sam, how are you?

We missed you at the forum carnival.

Melissa was an absolutely
adorable Queen Esther.

Sam, I hear you and Molly
are having difficulties.

If there's anything I
can do, anything at all.

- Look, Rabbi, I know you mean well.

- Talk to me, Sam.

We're old friends, under
the same person up there.

- Hello, Rabbi.

- Hello, hello.

- Hello, Sam, it's a
grand affair, isn't it?

- Oh just grand.

- Doesn't Molly look lovely tonight?

(upbeat jazz music)

She was just telling me
about her First Communion.

Oh, you win some, you lose some.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Pop, I wasn't sure you'd
make it, how you doing?

- I'm doing fine.

(upbeat jazz music)

(chattering)

(upbeat jazz music)

Okayyyy.

(upbeat jazz music)

Silvia, let's dance.

- Sure.

(upbeat jazz music)

- You can drive a car,
what else can you do?

- Sam, you're embarrassing me.

(grunting)

Sam.

- [Sam] You and your fancy Town Car.

- Will you stop it?

Everybody is staring.

- Think flowers and a fancy
car can get you somewhere?

I've been married to
this woman for 40 years.

We got a lifetime
wrapped up in each other.

You think can just come in
and take off just like that?

You got another thing coming.

I ain't the appetizer, and
you ain't the main course.

(upbeat jazz music)

If you know what's good for you,

you won't hang around anymore.

Do we understand each other?

Mosowitz, have you met Silvia Rosen.

She collects birds.

- How do you do?

- Silvia, this is Lou Moskowitz.

He wants to dance with you.

- Oh, ho ho.

- You collect birds?

- My late husband, Jack,
was a bird fancier.

- Oh.

Any particular species?

- Any kind of species (chuckles).

(upbeat jazz music)

- Can I have this dance?

- I don't think so.

- Why not?

- Because you're a bully.

- I was just protecting what's mine.

- I don't belong to you.

- I know that.

You like that Moskowitz fella?

(scoffing)

I'm asking you a simple question.

If the answer is no, fine.

If the answer is yes,

I'll break his neck.

- Mr. Tough Guy, huh?

For your information, he asked
me out a couple of times,

that's all, and I went.

- So, I could ask you out.

- So who's stopping you?

Oh, Sam, your heart is pounding.

- On the day I asked you to marry me,

my heart was pounding exactly that way.

I was scared outta my skin.

If you hate me, I wouldn't blame you.

- Is that what you think?

- How can it be we're apart?

- Because you treated me so badly.

Because I got angry.

Because you forgot.

- I never forgot.

I've been faithful to you all my life.

Even my fantasies, they
were always about you.

- [Molly] Oh, Sam.

- Don't you understand?

Nothing can take you out of me.

Wherever I look inside me, you're there.

(slow jazz music)

- Yuck.

(slow jazz music)

- Did you know that in the Oriente,

there are more than 300
members of the parrot family?

- No.

- Notice, I didn't say, Orient.

- No no no.

- I said, Oriente.

Which is in Venezuela.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Oh my, so that's the one.

- Look how he looks at her, for now.

(upbeat jazz music)

- The yellow roses were for you.

- I knew that, Sam.

- Red roses, a dime a dozen.

(upbeat jazz music)

- [Sam] So long, fish.

- You kept the fish all this time.

- I needed someone to talk to.

- Look, he took off in such a hurry.

- He's been away a while.

He's gonna catch hell from somebody.

(chuckling)

- The Katzes invited us down
to their new place in Sarasota.

- [Sam] Have a good time.

- [Molly] I plan to.

The water's warm down there.

You can walk for miles along the beach.

- [Sam] I'm not going.

They got sharks there, giant turtles.

- [Molly] I'll send you a postcard.

♪ One, two, three four ♪

(upbeat jazz music)

♪ After you're gone and left me crying ♪

♪ After you're gone ♪

♪ There's no denying ♪

♪ You'll feel blue, and you'll feel sad ♪

♪ You'll miss the dearest
pal that you ever had ♪

♪ And there'll come a time ♪

♪ When you regret it ♪

♪ Oh, there'll come a
time, don't you forget it ♪

♪ Baby, baby, look what you're doing ♪

♪ My love for you is
simply driving me to ruin ♪

♪ After you're gone ♪

♪ After you're gone away ♪

♪ After you're gone away, baby ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ Because after you're
gone, left me crying ♪

♪ After you're gone, there's no denying ♪

♪ You'll feel so blue ♪

♪ Baby, you'll feel sad ♪

♪ You'll miss the love love
love love (vocalizing) ♪

♪ There'll come a time ♪

♪ Don't you forget it ♪

♪ There'll come a time
when you regret it ♪

♪ Oh, and look what you're doing ♪

♪ My love for you is driving me to ruin ♪

♪ And after you're gone,
after you're gone away ♪

(upbeat jazz music)

♪ How you doing? ♪

(upbeat jazz music)

♪ Oh, baby, look what you're doing ♪

♪ My love for you is driving me to ruin ♪

♪ After you're gone ♪

♪ After you're gone away ♪

♪ Away ♪