A Fish Called Wanda (1988) - full transcript

In London, George Thomason, his seductive American girlfriend Wanda Gershwitz, and their associate Ken Pile are planning their latest crime, a diamond heist that should net them £13 million. They plan on leaving the country with the goods after the heist. On Wanda's recommendation, they enlist the help of her brother, Otto, a weapons expert, for this heist. In reality, Otto is not Wanda's brother, but her latest lover, a dimwit who gets off on his own body odor, who believes he's an intellectual because he reads Nietzsche, and who does not tolerate being called stupid by anyone. Wanda has one weakness in men which is how Otto was able to get her to be his lover: speaking Italian in seduction. Wanda and Otto plan to double cross George by having him arrested for the heist, while they abscond with the jewels. Wanda further plans to triple cross Otto by eliminating him from the picture after she has the jewels. They are able to get George arrested with him not knowing who tipped the police off, in the process George being implicated by an elderly eyewitness named Eileen Coady. With George in jail, Wanda and Otto discover that he in turn has protected his investment by moving the jewels from their agreed to hiding location, he not telling anyone except Ken some hint of where they are. Ken, an animal lover with an extreme stuttering problem, is given a task by George: kill Mrs. Coady before she is able to testify against him, as she is the crown's primary witness. Meanwhile, Wanda has a plan of her own to reach her end goal: seduce George's defense lawyer, Archie Leach, in finding out any and all of George's secrets concerning the heist, including the location of the jewels. Archie may be easy prey for Wanda's seduction as Archie's wife is a self-absorbed woman who pays Archie little attention. Otto may throw a wrench into Wanda's plans if he finds out what she's doing only feeling that she being solely his lover trumps all else.

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And on that point,
members of the jury,

I rest my case.

Hello, Wanda.

Hi, Ken.

Hello, W-W-Wanda.

Ken,

this is Otto.

Hello, Ken.
Wanda's told me a lot about you.

Hey! Great fish!

A squeeze of lemon,
some tartare sauce... perfect!

George back yet?



No, he had to g-g-go

to the b-b-b...

What?

That's quite a stutter
you've got there, Ken.

It's all right, it doesn't bother me.

So er...
George needs a weapons man, eh?

A cup of tea, Ken?

Y-y-y...

Yeah, he'd like one.

I had a good friend in the CIA,
had a stutter.

Cost him his life, dammit.

Hi, George.

Hello, George.

Get you a Scotch?



Yeah.

George,

this is Otto.

So,

you're Wanda's brother?

Good to be here, George.

England is a fine country.

Did she tell you what we need?

Something like that?

Something like that.

Hello, Wendy.

Had a good day?

I spend the morning
"trying" to get a waste disposal man.

At lunch, Marjorie just
complained about her husband

then I have to play
"three" rubbers with Philippa.

I come back and
Sandersons have sent the wrong flowers.

Oh, no!

Would you like some tea?

Yes.

I won the case.

This is the first moment
I've had to myself all day.

Hello, Portia! How was the show?

Awful, Daddy. I must have a new horse.

- But you liked Phantom.
- He's not fit for dog meat.

Can I change him? It won't cost much.

- Oughtn't we...
- I thought you were making tea.

- I am, darling. Sorry.
- I'd better get it.

- No, no, let me do it.
- No! I'll do it!

I won the case.

Now this is cracked.

They're worth about 100,000 each.

There are 135 of them.

That makes 13 millions, my friends.

Dollars or pounds?

Pounds, pet.

This is the big one. So...

OK.

Yeah.

Otto?

Yes?

OK?

What?

The plan.

Yeah. Great. No problem.

What was the middle thing,
about the police?

We don't meet up
at Heathrow until Tuesday...

Yeah, yeah!

I haven't finished yet.

Because the police will watch
all the airports for 72 hours.

I know.

I know.

Do you want me to g-g-get

a b-b-big

c-c-car?

Getaway?

A limo, OK?

And put diplomatic plates on it.

What if he has to speak in the break-in?

Nobody says anything during a break-in.

It's OK, Otto. Ken's good.

So, next week,

we won't have to look for work.

And it won't have to look for us.

Oscar Wilde.

You really like animals, don't you, Ken?

What's the attraction?

Because you can t-t-t

trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh...

Shit on you?

Show off all the time.

You know what Nietzsche
said about them?

He said they were God's second blunder.

Bye, sis!

Well, you tell him from me that I-I-I...

Bye, George.

If you talk to Mom, tell her I said hi.

- OK.
- Don't let him touch you.

One more day, and we're together.

I'm sorry about my brother, Ken.

I know he's insensitive.

He's had a hard life.

Dad used to beat him up.

Good.

Aaagh!

Anybody moves and you're dead.

Look where you're going!

Chauvinist pig!

Really, people here
just think they own the pavement.

That was fun.

I love robbing the English.

- They're so polite.
- The d-d-d...

- What is it, Ken?
- The dog!

We didn't hit the dog.

- $20 million and an insect worries him!
- It's not an in-in...

Stutter's not getting any better.
How about surgery?

Shut up!

Ken.

Bye!

Let's split.

- See you at Heathrow on Tuesday.
- Lie low. No celebrating.

No celebrating?

See you in a couple of hours.

To $20 million.

To a job well done.

To us.

To the best brother
and sister team since...

Romeo and Juliet?

Do you believe those Cockney klutzes
bought our story?

What morons!

- I want you to know something.
- What?

Even if you were my brother,
I'd still want to fuck you.

Oooh!

Make the call.

- Momento, carissima.
- No!

- Eventuale!
- No Italian!

Hey!

Per cominciare,
due insalate verdi con peperoni.

- E linguine primavera...
- No. No.

- Una cotoletta di vitello.
- Make the call, Otto.

Are you really Italian?

Absolutamente. Si!

My name is Otto. It means eight.

Say arrivederci a Giorgio.

Bye, George.

The police, please.

Otto!

Yes, hello.

Sorry to trouble you,
but you may like to know

that today's Hatton Garden robbery
was pulled off by Mr George Thomason.

He lives at flat three, Kipling Mansions,

Murray Road, London W9.

Wanda!

Police! Open up!

Come on, open up!

Open the door, or we'll knock it down!

George Francis Thomason?

Passport,

tickets,

money!

Asshole!

We're rich, Wanda.

Yep?

I bet these weeks with me

have been
the most exciting weeks of your life.

You said it.

OK.

OK.

Disappointed!

Sonofabitch!

What do you have to do
to make people trust you?!

Shut up.

People are always
taking advantage of me!

Shut up and think.
Where's he moved it?

What are you doing?

I'm thinking!

Thinking what I'll do to him.

I'll hang him up with piano wire...

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to talk to him.

Talk to who?

Talk to who?!

So, while installing these windows,

you knelt on some broken glass
from the pane you had dropped.

That's right, sir.

Your parents can confirm this?

Yes, and his aunt,

Georgina Thomason.

Good, Bartlett.

Yes?

Sorry to interrupt you, sir.

Thomason. A young lady to see you.

- Anything else?
- No, thanks. Do you have to dash off?

No, absolutely not.

George!

Ken's got the fish food. He'll be in later.

- Thanks.
- De nada.

What do you think, Mr Leach?

We may be OK on the glass,
but what else will they come up with?

Oh, George!

Oh, my God, I can't believe
this is happening.

That's not allowed in here, miss.

Are you OK?

It's all right.

I don't think I can handle this.

I was too afraid to sleep last night...

Leave it out, leave it out, OK?

Listen, listen, listen.

Listen.

You stayed at my place.

We slept late.

You made me breakfast.

What?

What's he doing here?

He wanted to see you.

Who did it, George? Kevin Delaney?

Do you want me to rub him out?

Anything, you name it.

I have friends making enquiries.

Good.

The jewels are very safe.

If I get sent down, it all gets handed back
to cut my sentence.

Now, to cut my sentence even more,

I could tell them who done it with me

if I wasn't very happy about everything.

What was the middle thing?

Piss off.

- You want me to spring you...
- Now!

George?

You don't think...

Do you?

No!

No.

No!

OK.

- George.
- What?

Are you sure the garage is very safe?

Trust me.

Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot. Bye.

Have a good day.

So?

He's not sure it was you.

What about you?

No, no, he believes me.

That's why he can't figure out about you.

Figure out what?

Whether you turned him in or not, stupid!

Don't er

ever, ever, "ever"

call me stupid. OK?

What?

That's George's lawyer.

The other guy must be the barrister.

So?

Trust me.

Let me know
if anything unexpected turns...

Excuse me.

Don't I recognise you?

No. No, I don't think so.

Oh.

You are a famous barrister, aren't you?

Erm...

Well, hardly.

Could I have your autograph, anyway?

Yes, yes, certainly.

Thanks.

I'm studying aspects of your legal system.

I'm American.

Oh, really?

I've only just started. It's fascinating.

What er... What brings you here?

Oh, it's a little embarrassing.

I... have a friend.

Oh!

I see.

There you are.

I knew it!

You're Archie "Leash".

Leach.

Right.

I saw you in court!

Er... two weeks ago.

The casino break-in?

You were great!

Oh, I'm a big fan of yours.

I love the way you er

cross-examine.

Oh, I really admire your work.

Thank you.

- I'd better not...
- I don't suppose...

No? Fine, right.

Well...

Thank you for this.

I'll treasure it.

Au revoir.

You speak French, too!

What's going on?

Whatever George decides to do,
he'll tell Leach first.

Why?

Because he's his lawyer.

Yeah, I know that.

So I'm going to get to know Mr Leach.

So George will tell "him"
where the diamonds are?

That's what I'm going to find out.

You done well, my son.

Now, where are we going to hide it?

Very good!

Don't tell Wanda anything.

Otto might get something out of her.

Now...

George.

You are going to g-get off?

Sure, don't worry about it, Ken.

We'll fix it.

Now, anything on Otto?

No. Not yet.

You watch him.

Ken!

OK.

Looks like the police have been all over it.

Let me change clothes,
then I'll help you look.

Hello,

K-K-Ken's p-p-pets.

Hey!

Wake up!

Wake up, limey fish!

So. How are you going to get friendly
with this lawyer?

I don't know. I'll improvise.

Fucking insects!

I thought Englishmen didn't like women,
the way they talk.

No!

He's straight. He's kinda cute, too,
in a pompous sort of way.

Have you got the hots for him?

I'm not into necrophilia, thanks.

What is this? Hump-a-limey week?

Otto doesn't approve.

Otto might get jealous.

E molto pericoloso, signorina.

Molto pericoloso...

Carissima.

Oh, speak it, speak it!

Un ossobuco milanese con piselli.

Melanzane parmigiana con spinaci.

Dov'é la farmacia?

Yes, yes, yes!

No, no, no.

- Si, si, si.
- No, no, no.

No, not here.

Otto, not here.

Dov'é la Fontana di Trevi?

Not here, Otto!

Erm...

Mozzarella...

Er... Parmigiana...

- Gorgonzola!
- Otto, no!

Wanda!

Look what I've got, Wanda.

Treasure!

Ssh!

Aaagh!

Ooh!

Oh, my God, Ken, it's you!

I thought it was the police again.

Isn't it horrible about George?

I've such a headache.
Could you go and get me some aspirin?

Shit.

- What's that?
- My brother's using the bathroom.

- Otto?
- Mm. We just went and saw George.

It was horrible, Ken, just horrible...

Isn't it terrible about George?

When I find the bastard who squealed!

I love that man!

What are you d-d-doing here?

What am I doing here?

Wanda was upset, Ken.
She needed to talk to family.

Sh...

She's just had a sh-sh-shower.

I've got to speak to you.

Are you OK, now, sis?

- I'm fine, thanks for coming.
- Call me if you need me.

What's up with you?
Can't you think about her feelings?

Something f-f-funny is going on.

Oh dear, oh dear.

You don't know why you're excited.

- I saw the b...
- Ken, Ken, Ken!

I didn't want to say anything
while George was around.

Isn't it time you faced facts?

Come on!

You're a very attractive man.

You're smart.

You've got wonderful bones,

great eyes, and you dress interestingly.

Wh-wh-wh...

We could have a lot of fun together.

I think we'd be really good for each other.

What do you say?

You must be j-j-j...

May I kiss you, Ken?

No, you fucking can't!

Just a peck! No tongue!

No, no!

Ken! Ken!

Ken!

OK. You didn't realise I was gay.

OK, no, look.

I'm sorry.

I've handled this badly.

Look, the physical side can wait.

You need time.

Will you think about it?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Ken!

Somebody just called!

They said that the police...

No, that the loot
is in a garage in Fulham.

You and I have to go get it now.

We have to move it
before the police find it.

No, no, no...

- What?
- It's all right!

- What?
- Ge-Ge-Ge

George

M-m-m

moved...

George moved the loot?!

Yes.

Where did he move it, Ken?

Where did he move it?!

C-c-c...

I don't know where it is.
There's a key for something.

It's in...

Don't tell me.

It's better that you don't tell me.

Oh, you know, if it wasn't for George...

Otto

tried to k-k-k

kiss me.

I thought he might.

No.

Nothing, no marks at all.

But it is a safety deposit box key?

Yes, but there are millions of them,

hotels, banks, offices.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Fuck!

That's him.

That's him, Inspector.

He's the one
who tried to murder my dogs.

Davidson!

An American legal student
wants to see me for a moment.

- What time is Sir John due?
- 12.30, sir.

Right.

Come in!

- Hi.
- How very nice to see you.

Am I interrupting?

Absolutely not.

Really?

Really. Delighted to see you.

Hello.

So.

This is the place.

- This is it.
- Very nice.

I was at the courts this morning.
It's fascinating!

Really, so much to know,

Everybody wears these. Do you?

Oh, ridiculous!

Well, erm

I only have a few minutes. Sorry.

I'm sorry.

But until then,
I'm all yours, as they say.

I just have a couple of questions.

I'm having a little problem

understanding
preliminary criminal procedures.

What exactly is the committal?

Ah. Interesting.

Basically,
it's a preliminary investigation

where the prosecution
presents evidence

that the accused has a case to answer.

That's what it says in the book.

Let's take, for example,
my friend George Thomason.

Right.

- His committal is on Wednesday...
- Thomason?

Yes.

George Thomason?

Yes. Do you know him?

I'm defending him.

What are you talking about?

I'm his barrister, his lawyer.

That's so great!

That's so weird, isn't that weird?

Oh, I'm so happy you're defending him!

Thank you.

He's sure to get off now.

Wow!

I can watch you work now!

Please.

Amazing.

Well, anyway.

At the committal,
George would then plead...

Not guilty.

Really?

The evidence is largely circumstantial.

But wasn't there an identification?

True, but a very elderly lady.

I think they've got the wrong man.

You don't think he did it?

No.

Let's just say, for argument's sake,

that you did think he did it.

Sure, if more evidence
against him came to light.

Right, right.

You would then advise him
to plead guilty,

and turn over the jewels
to get his sentence cut.

And he would turn them over
to who, to you?

Theoretically, yes, yes.

Oh, of course.

Erm. Well er...

I'm so sorry, I've forgotten your name.

Wanda.

Wanda! What a fool, what a fool.

Well, Wanda, there are three...

Not Wanda Gershwitz?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

What?

You're his alibi.

I can't talk to you!

Why not?

My dear lady, you're a defence witness!

I'm sorry, I must ask you to leave.

What did I say?

It's not ethical for me
to talk to a witness.

Everybody does it in America.

Not in England, it's forbidden.

I insist, or I may have
to give up the case.

I'm sorry. Please.

Oh, Archie.

I didn't come here to talk about
boring criminal procedures.

Come on, you know!

You knew the minute I walked in here.

I want you.

What?

- Hello?
- Sir John is here.

Show him in, please.

Make love with me.

- Pardon?
- Nothing.

- Will you take me to bed?
- No, sorry.

Bye, Uncle.

Hi!

He's pleading not guilty

so you're safe until the trial.

Leach doesn't think he did it.

Ken says
there's a safe deposit box key,

but only George knows where it is.

Thank you, Wanda!

What have "you" found out?

Not a lot.

You realise he's in court tomorrow?

I know that!

So nothing, huh?

Nix.

Zip.

Diddly.

Bupkiss.

Niente.

Oh, it's too big!

- No, it isn't, Portia.
- It's enormous!

- No, it isn't!
- Oh, please, Mother!

No! Absolutely not!

I'm so miserable
and you just don't care!

Do shut up, Portia!

All I get, all day,
is people complaining to me.

Oh dear.

Ecco I'uomo.

Ooh, le due cupole grandi
della cattedrale di Milano.

Benito Mussolini!

Dov'é il Vaticano?

Volare

Oh-oh

E cantare

Oh-oh...

Archie, I want "you" to speak to her
about plastic surgery.

- Hmm?
- I do wish you'd listen to me.

I want you to speak to Portia.

I'll speak to her in the morning.

Goodnight, Archie.

Goodnight, Archie!

Goodnight, Wanda.

Goodnight, who?

Sorry, darling.
Just a stupid case I've got tomorrow

with some lousy old hag.

Are you George Francis Thomason

of Kipling Mansions, Murray Avenue,

London W9?

Yes, sir.

The charge is one of armed robbery.

Are we ready for a committal,
Mr Percival?

Yes, under Section 6.2, madam.

That is correct, 6.2.

Here are the statements,
all to be fully bound, please.

Stand up, Mr Thomason.

You are committed to stand trial

at the Central Criminal Court.

There is some urgency about this case.

The main witness, Mrs Coady,

is elderly and has had
serious heart difficulties recently.

Is there any possibility
that this case

might be put down for an early trial?

That is for the Old Bailey listing officer.

Take him down to the cell, please, officer.

Hi, hon. How are you doing?

You look great. I love your hair.

Got time for a coffee?

- No, I've g-g...
- Have you thought about it?

Why did he give you this?

Eileen Coady, 69 Basil Street.

Does he want you to send her flowers?

Do her shopping?

Show her a good time?

Rub her out?

He wants you to rub her out?

He's going to kill her!

Fuck off, or I'll kill you.

Limey fruits!

So the old lady will
m-meet with an accident?

- Eh, K-K-Ken?
- Sssh. Sssh!

What's so funny?

Nothing.
Just that wasting old ladies isn't nice.

Well, it's better than b-buggering people.

I bet you £1 you don't kill her.

All right.

All right.

I love watching your ass when you walk.

Is that beautiful or what?

Don't go near him!

He's mine!

£1 says you won't kill her!

When could you look at it?

Let's think.
My wife's going to the opera on Friday.

I'll look at it then
and call you on Saturday.

- I really appreciate it. Thanks.
- Bye.

Hi.

I know we're not allowed to talk.

Give me a call.

I can't.

Please?

We're not allowed to speak.

We don't have to.

I don't want you for your conversation.

I'd love to...

- What happened?
- Got a date, Friday.

Look here!

Do you mind
not making that terrible noise?

My dogs will be having their nap.

Nice doggy.

Nice... doggy.

Otto, what are you doing?

It's a Buddhist meditation technique.

It focuses your aggression.

The monks did it
before they went into battle.

What kind of Buddhism is this?

Asshole!

It's an early Tantric meditation...

What is this?

To get information,
I might have to get friendly with him.

Well, we're ready now, at last.

Good. Enjoy the opera, darling.

- Your supper's in the fridge.
- Marvellous.

Be good.

When you say friendly,
what are we talking about here?

Cordial? Courteous?

Supportive? What?

I don't know.
Let's just see what happens.

So, friendly might include actual er

what, penetration?

I don't need your jealousy now.

- Jealousy?
- Yes.

Hey, I'm merely curious.
Me? Jealous of that fop?

What about my tits?

Does he get to handle them?

Yes. That's my forecast.
I'll stand by that.

Nuzzling?

I think $20 million is worth a nuzzle.

80% chance there.

- Sucking?
- I thought you weren't jealous.

I'm not, I don't believe in jealousy,
it's for the weak.

One thing, though.

Touch his dick, and he's dead!

I told your father
to get the car serviced.

Aren't we going, then?

Oh, do shut up, Portia.

Hurry up.

Hi.

Do you despise me?

No, that's not a word that leaps to mind.

Can I stay, then?

Of course. Look...

- Wanda...
- I know.

Your wife's coming back.

No, it's not her. She'll be hours.

It's about what I said to you.

It "is" all right for us to speak.

It is?

Provided that we don't discuss the case.

Oh.

Oh, fine.

It's just, if anyone saw us talking...

Oh, but they won't.

Sorry if I seem

pompous.

Oh, you're the best, Archie.

No.

Not yet.

I'm thirsty.

What shall I get you?

Whisky.

You are the sexiest,
most beautiful girl

I have ever seen

in my entire life.

Get me my drink.

Oh, Archie.

Mm, Archie.

So.

If George decides to change his plea,

he'd tell you
where the loot is first, wouldn't he?

Mm?

Darling, we mustn't talk
about the trial, OK?

I know. I just meant theoretically.

Kiss me there.

Oh. Theoretically.

Erm.

...to his legal representative...

What's the matter?

Oh, it's wonderful, Archie.

Ooh!

Aah!

What? What, darling?

- You're getting me hot!
- Sorry.

I need something to drink.

Something cold?

Maybe in the fridge?

Champagne?

Oh, my favourite.

Don't go away.

Je reviens!

What are you doing here?

- Relax!
- Get the fuck out of here!

- Your moaning worried me.
- I was faking it, stupid!

Don't ever call me stupid.

- And I'm not jealous.
- Then leave!

OK!

It's a nice place.

Don't touch his dick!

His wife, his wife!

For goodness sake, get off to bed.

God, there isn't any ice.

Champagne!

Aaagh!

What's the matter?

What are you doing?

Champagne, dear. To welcome you home.

Erm... let me pour you a glass.

Whose is the car?

The car?

Blocking the drive?

There you are, dear. Cheers.

Nice to see you again.

How was the opera?

- Finished early, did it?
- Whose car is it?

Mine.

It's a beauty, isn't it?

Where did I leave my drink, Archie?

Who is this?

Don't you know?

How do you do, Mrs Leach?

I'm Harvey Manfren... jensen... jen.

- I'm... with the CIA.
- The CIA?

That's correct, ma'am.

I was er...
just telling your husband

before I had to go
to your beautiful bathroom.

We've got a high-ranking KGB defector
in a safe house near here.

We're debriefing him as of now

and we're just er

checking all the houses in the area.

- For what?
- For KGB.

- Is there any danger?
- No, no, no, no.

No er... No, not now.

We er...

We just want to keep everyone informed.

So. Archie, thanks for the drink.

Sorry to have troubled you...

Keep everyone informed?

So there's no panic, ma'am.

But isn't it a secret?

You've no idea how secret.

Well, why are you telling everyone?

It's a smoke screen?

What?!

Double bluff.

You obviously know nothing
about intelligence work.

It's an XK Red 27 technique.

My father was in the Secret Service,
Mr Manfredjen St John.

I know perfectly well
you don't keep the public informed

when you are debriefing KGB defectors.

Oh, you don't, huh?

Not unless you're
congenitally insane or stupid, no.

Don't call me stupid.

Why on earth not?

Oh, you English are "so" superior,
aren't you?

Do you know where you'd be

without us,
the old US of A to protect you?

I'll tell you.

The smallest fucking province
in the Russian Empire, that's what!

So don't call me stupid, lady.

Just thank me.

Thank you for popping in
and protecting us!

If it wasn't for us,
you'd be speaking German!

Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland"

Über alles

He's covering for me.
Get rid of your wife and get my necklace.

Necklace. I'll think of something.

- Who are you talking to?
- Myself, darling.

- Who was that shouting?
- Th-th-the brother of a f-friend.

Archie, who on earth...

I don't know. He...

- I need a drink.
- Let's go to the pub.

What?!

Let's go to the pub.

Would you like to, Portia?

We haven't been for 15 years!

Portia could see it now.

Honestly, Archie!

Aaagh!

What on earth is the matter?

I thought the picture was falling off.

Will you pull yourself together?!

What's this?

Thanks, Portia. Coming with us?

What was that?

- A kind of necklace.
- Aah!

What's going on?

Nothing. Let's go.

Can I see that?

- What?
- In your hand.

Your other hand.

Portia, go to your room.

Aren't we going out?

I can explain. I left...

Now!

- They sent a new girl...
- Oh, Archie.

No, she's Canadian...

It's lovely. Thank you.

It's even got a W for Wendy.

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

It's the most beautiful thing
you've ever given me.

Oh, Archie. This isn't like you.

Are you fucking crazy?!

Hey, I saved your ass.

I had him right where I wanted him,
you asshole!

I give you one fucking thing to!

You had to drive me and shut up!

Oh, relax!

Hello.

Hold on.

It's for you.

Hello.

Not at the moment, no.

Yes, well, I'm not quite sure
when I can get hold of that.

Yes, yes, I do appreciate that.

Yes. As soon as possible.

Well, that would be very nice, obviously.

So. Erm...

See you soon, I hope.

Bye, Frank.

Calm down. Calm down!

Easy, g-g-girl. Easy, easy!

Come here!

Smell. Smell!

Smell, Maggie, smell.

Now. Now!

Kill, kill!

Kill!

Kill!

Kill!

We therefore
commit its body to the ground.

Earth to earth.

Ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust.

Miserere Dominus

Miserere Dominus

Canis mortuus est

Hello, honey.

What happened?

N-n-nothing.

What's that?

Er...

Not Granny?

Not yet.

Oh. Who is it for, then?

A f-f-f...

A fish? Frenchman?

- A phone operator?
- Friend.

Oh, a four-legged one?

Where's my sister?

She's in the b-b-b...

Thank you.

Lavatory.

Wanda!

Anything?

What? No?

Why are you here?

I'm here because I'm bored!

Bored, wandering around
this awful city, shoving George's pic...

Talking to a lot of snotty, stuck-up,
intellectually inferior British faggots.

They get rigor mortis
in the prime of life in this country!

Standing there with their hair clenched

counting the seconds till the weekend,

so they can dress up like ballerinas

at the flat at four

2B, Saint...

To be honest, I er... hate them.

I mean, pretending
they're so fucking "lawyer"...

So fucking "superior"
with those phoney accents.

Not you, Ken.
You've got a beautiful voice

when it works.

Sonofabitch!

So er...
Want to have some lunch?

Have you heard from him?

- Who?
- Archie.

No, I have to finish my hair!

Nothing?

OK, I'm out of here!

No plans to see him?

No.

OK, bye, bro!

Bye, Wanda!

Oh, sorry.

- What?!
- It wasn't theirs to sell.

A old lady gave it to them to engrave.

Someone put it in the display cabinet...

- That's their problem.
- No. Legally...

You paid for it!

They accept their mistake
and they're offering you this.

It's much more valuable.

I adore this
and you want me to give it back...

- "I" don't want...
- They can't have it.

- Wendy.
- No. No!

- Wendy!
- NO!

Tell them they can't have it!

You're the bloody barrister!

- Hello.
- Hello.

Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.

It's just beautiful.

Oh, my God, look!

Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.

Isn't it wonderful?

Whose is it?

It belongs to someone
at the chambers.

And where are they?

Hong Kong.

Ah so.

Gone for weeks.

Nice rug, Archie.

May I?

Archie, what are you doing?

The polka, I think.

You make me feel free!

Free?

Do you have any idea
what it's like being English?

Being so correct all the time?

Being so... stifled
by this dread of doing the wrong thing?

Asking someone, 'Are you married?'

And hearing, 'My wife left me.'

Or saying,
'Do you have children?'

And hearing,
'They burned to death yesterday.'

Wanda, we're all terrified
of embarrassment.

That's why we're so... dead.

Most of my friends are dead.

We have these piles of corpses to dinner.

But you're alive, God bless you.

And I want to be.
I'm so fed up with all this.

I want to make love with you, Wanda.

I'm a good lover.

At least, I used to be
in the early 14th century.

Can we go to bed?

Yeah.

Hang on!

Mind your head.

Agh! Aagh!

Aaagh! Aaagh!

I think I love you, Wanda.

Oh, Archie.

Can I ask you a question?

Anything.

Where's my locket?

I couldn't get it.

What?

Wendy wouldn't give it back. Look...

I got you this instead.

Do you like it?

No. Archie, I have to have mine.

What's the matter? Why?

My mother gave it to me

on her death... bed.

Oh, I'm sorry.

All right, darling.

I'll get it for you.

You promise?

I'll think of something.

Sex is very, very difficult for me

with somebody
that I don't trust completely.

I promise I'll get it. OK?

Ooh! I love you, Archie.

I've loved you ever since
the first second I saw you!

What was that?

What?

Your brother didn't bring you
here this time?

No.

He's no idea?

He doesn't have a clue.

What?

He is so dumb...

Really?

He thought the Gettysburg Address
was where Lincoln lived.

Those terrible lies
he told about the CIA!

So painful!

When he heard
your daughter's name was Portia,

he said,
'Why did they name her after a car?'

I love the way you laugh!

I love you, you're funny.

How come a girl as bright as you

can have a brother who's so...

Don't call me stupid.

Jesus Christ!

Ouch! Otto!

Come on!

I'll deal with you later!

What have you done with her?

- She's all right!
- Otto!

Now, apologise.

What?

Apologise!

Shit!

Are you totally deranged?

You pompous,

stuck-up, snot-nosed,

English, giant twerp,

scumbag, fuck-face,
dickhead asshole!

How very interesting.

You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?

You're the vulgarian, you fuck!

Now, apologise!

What? "Me" to you?

Apologise.

All right, I apologise.

You're really sorry?

I'm really, really sorry.

I apologise unreservedly.

You take it back?

I do.
I offer a complete and utter retraction.

The imputation was "totally"
without basis in fact,

and was in no way fair comment.

It was motivated purely by malice.

I deeply regret any distress

my comments
may have caused you or your family.

I hereby undertake not repeat

any such slander
at any time in the future.

OK.

Miserere Dominus

Miserere Dominus

Canis mortuus est

You said you loved him!

Right, Otto!
Here's a multiple choice question.

A. Wanda was lying.

B. Wanda was telling the truth.

Which one are you going to pick?

What was the first one?

You said you were not seeing him!

I knew you'd come and fuck it up!

I was dealing with something delicate.

I'm setting up a guy
who's important to us.

He knows where the loot is
and if you'll be arrested.

You lope in
like Rambo without a jockstrap

and dangle him from a window!

Now, was that smart?!

Was it shrewd?

Was it good tactics, or was it stupid?!

Don't call me stupid.

Oh, right!

To call you stupid
is an insult to stupid people!

I've known sheep that could outwit you.

I've worn dresses with higher IQs.

You think you're an intellectual,
don't you, ape?

Apes don't read philosophy.

Yes, they do.
They just don't understand it.

Let me correct you
on a couple of things, OK?

Aristotle was not Belgian.

The central message of Buddhism

- is not every man for himself.
- You read...

The London Underground
is not a political movement.

Those are mistakes. I looked 'em up.

Now. You have just assaulted

the one man who can keep you
out of jail and make you rich.

So what are you
going to do about it, huh?

What would an intellectual do?

What would Plato do?

Apologise.

Pardon me?

Apolo...

What?

Apologise!

Right!

I'm sorry.

No.

Not to me.

To Archie.

And make it good, or we're dead.

Oh, I'm so very,
very, very, very s...

Fuck you!

I'm s...

I'm very, very s...

I'm so

very s...

Very, very s...

Very, very...

ssfff...

Ugh!

Hello, Mr Burglar!

Going somewhere?

Think you can rob Mr Leach?

I'll teach you a lesson.

He's a very good friend of mine.

Otto! Otto!

He'll be very pleased with me
when he finds you all tied up

and ready for the police!

And don't call me Otto.

To you, I am Mr...

Aagh!

Oh, God.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Please.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you.

How could I know it was you?

I mean,
how could you expect me to guess?

Stupid jerk!

What the fuck are you doing
robbing your own house?

You asshole!

You stupid, stiff, pompous English...

Agh!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Er... Er...

Yeah.

God Almighty!

Bloody hell!

Darling!

Are you hurt?

Speak to me! Are you hurt?

Can't you speak?

Archie! Archie, what has happened?

Archie, we've been burgled.

Oh, no!

Well, are you hurt?

No, I'm... I'm fine.

Bit of a headache. I er...

I came in here,
somebody hit me, tied me up...

My God, is that the time?

What?

I didn't realise it was quite so late.

What?!

I'm late for a conference.

You've just been attacked!

It's nothing, I must fly. Sorry.

- Archie!
- I'll help you tidy up later!

Hello, Portia.

What's happened?

Your father has finally gone
completely mental.

Hi.

Archie!

Thank you so much.

Champagne?

OK.

- To us.
- To us.

I went back to the house,
and guess who...

Let's make love!

Well, if you absolutely insist...

No.

What?

Here. On the rug.

I'll be right back.

Get undressed.

Why not?

Why not indeed!?

Afterwards...

Yeah?

...let's go to South America.

What?

Let's fly to South America.

Why South America?

OK... Iceland?

What do you really want out of life?

I don't know.

Why do I like you so much?

Archie.

Hm?

Do you speak Italian?

I am Italian!

Sono italiano in spirito.

Ma ho sposato una donna
che preferisce lavorare in giardino

a fare I'amore appassionato.

Uno sbaglio grande!

But it's such an ugly language.

How about... Russian?

Yest' sila blagodatnaya
sozvuchiy slov zhivykh.

Kamina tozhe ni trudnuyu tyesnitsya
lyubosyat'sya grust'.

Odnu molitvu chudnuyu
tverzhdaya naizust'.

V dushe kak bremya skatyatsya
somneniya daleko.

I varitsya i plachetsya, i tak legko...

Archie!

Yeah?

Are you rich?

No, no, I'm afraid not.

What about the house?

Oh, that's Wendy's. She's the rich one.

Oh.

Yest' sila blagodatnaya
sozvuchiy slov zhivykh.

I tushit nyeponyatnaya,
svetlaya, prelyestnaya rech'.

Vdushe kak bremya skatyatsya
somneniya daleko.

I varitsya i plachetsya, i tak legko!

- What the hell are you doing?
- I might ask you the same question!

Who are you?

What?!

Get your clothes on.

- Will you leave immediately, please?
- What?!

You're in the wrong flat.

This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour.

He's in Hong Kong.

He lent me the key. Now get out!

We leased it
from the agents last weekend.

Yes, well obviously
that changes things a bit. Erm...

Aren't you Archie Leach?

What?

You bought our house
in Lissendon Gardens.

Hazel and lan Johnson.

What a coincidence!

Ha...

How nice to see you.

Hello.

Hello, Wanda. It's Archie

I can't see you any more.
I've got to end it.

I'm sorry.

What?

I'm sorry.

Archie?

Er...

OK.

Oh, no, no. Please.

Look, I want to apologise.

I just finished it.

OK, OK, wait.

Where are you going?
I want speak with you.

Will you leave me alone?

I've ended it, all right?

Wait! I want to say I'm sorry.

It's all over, OK? It's over.

- All right!
- Jesus Christ!

- Calm down!
- Someone help me!

- Please believe me!
- It's all right!

Don't beat me up again.
I've had a terrible day.

Will you shut up?!

Jesus Christ, don't kill me!

Shut up, then.

OK.

Look.

I just want to apologise

sincerely

When I hung you from the window.

I'm really...

It was not a nice thing to do.

Then when I attacked you in there.

I'm really, s...

How did I know
you were robbing your house?

I was trying to help!

Yes. Thanks. Otto.

I wanted you to trust me.

Please, it was my fault.

- That's true.
- Yeah.

Now, about my sister.

Otto...

She's a very sexy girl.

I understand
you wanting to play around with her.

It's OK, I was wrong. I'm sorry!

I was jealous.

Just go ahead, pork away, pal.

Fuck her blue.

I like you, Archie.

I just want to help.

Oh, God!

Send for an ambulance!

Shocking!

I did it!

I did it! I did it!

Unbe-fuck-alievable!

Thomason!

Yeah?

You done well, my son.

Now, here's the plan.

You get four tickets
for this evening for Rio, first class.

- Then...
- F-f-f...

Yeah, four.

We get rid of Otto later.

Then, back to the flat,
pack, collect me.

Then to the Cathcart Towers Hotel
to pick up the jewels.

Unbe-fuck-alievable!

Oi! Oi!

It's so exciting,
I can't believe it!

He's s-s-safe.

I'm going to be late for court!

H-Hello.

Hello, Otto.

No, she just er... l-l-left.

Oh, and Otto...

You owe me a p-p-p...

What?

You owe me a p-p-pound.

Not Granny?

M-met with an accident.

Bullshit! You're lying.

Dead?

Heart attack.

I don't believe this.

So, George will be out this afternoon.

We all go out to Heathrow,

collect the loot and...

All thanks to me.

So the loot's at the airport, is it, Ken?

What's h-h-happening?

Well, Ken.

I'm going to ask you some questions

while I eat my chips.

First.

Who was the philosopher

who developed
the concept of the superman

in Also Spracht Zarathustra?

No?!

That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid.

Friedrich Nietzsche.

Next.

In which book did Nietzsche claim

that almost all higher culture
is based on cruelty?

Are you thinking
or are you in mid-stutter?

You're m-mad.

Beyond Good And Evil.

I'll have to ask you an easy one.

OK. Erm...

Let me think, let me think.

Where are the diamonds?

I'll give you a clue.

Somewhere round the airport.

No hassle, there's plenty of time.

I'll just sit here and eat my chips
till you tell me.

The English contribution to world cuisine.

The chip.

What do the English
usually eat with chips

to make them more interesting?

Wait a moment!

It's fish, isn't it?!

Here, boy.

Down the hatch.

Delicious!

You b-b-b...

Better eat the green one? OK?

What's this one's name?

Well, not Wanda, anyway.

I'm going to call her Lunch.

Hello, Lunch. Hello!

Eugh!

Avoid the green ones.

They're not ripe yet.

You were in court, Inspector,
when the forensic evidence was read?

Yes, sir.

And the fact that Mr Thomason
was installing windows

the previous weekend,

would explain the presence of
small particles of glass on his trousers.

No hurry, Inspector.

Please do take your time.

I'm almost full.

Almost.

Stop!

Please, don't.

Come on, Wanda!

Gullet time!

What are the names
of those hotels by the airport?

The Airway Sheraton?

The Post House?

The Cathcart Towers?

The Cathcart Towers? Yes?

Mm? Mm?

Yes.

In the safe deposit box?

Yes.

Where's the key?

What?

Where's the key?

It's in the t-t-tank.

Where? Where?

In the t-t-t...

Treasure chest!

Where?!

Where?

Oh!

You m-m-m

murdering k-k-k...

I'll kill you, I'll kill you!

Sorry, Ken,
but your answer was incorrect.

Still, you really did think
it was in there, didn't you?

What?

Oh!

- Hello?
- I know where the diamonds are.

Where?

Where's the key?

I've got it.

When can you get
to George's apartment?

You are Wanda Gershwitz,

of Kipling Mansions,
Murray Road, London W9?

Yes.

Would you tell the court,

how do you know the defendant?

We've had a relationship for two years.

Relationship?

We're lovers, your lord.

Miss Gershwitz,
on 4th March of this year,

in the morning,

where were you?

At the apartment at Murray Road.

And were you by yourself,
or was anyone else present?

No. Somebody else was there.

Who was that?

My brother.

Did your b...?

Your brother?

My brother.

Yes.

Yes, and...

Are you quite sure it was your brother?

I'm sure she can recognise her brother.

She's had a relationship
with him all her life.

Much obliged, my lord.

W-w-was there
anyone else present that morning?

Yes, George was there.

But he left about 6.55.

Wanda!

I-I wonder...

I wonder...

I wonder...

Yes, Mr Leach?

I Wendy... I Wanda...

I wonder... I w-w-w

Wh-when you say 6.55,

Miss er... Gershwitz,

how can you be so sure?

Oh, I looked at the clock.

Cos I said to myself,

'Where could he be going at 6.55
with that sawn-off shotgun?'

Darling!

Mr Leach.

Darling?

Yes, dear?

You bitch!

You fucking bitch!

Restrain that man!

Restrain this man.

Come 'ere, you bastard!

Clear the court!
I'm adjourning this for an hour.

Clear the court!

Clear the court!

Clear the court! Clear the court!

Officers, arrest that man!

Clear the court! Clear the court!

Bloody hell!

It's my husband, he's been hit.

Ah, you made it. Good.

A bit of a knock, I'm afraid.

I have never been
so humiliated in my life.

You can stick this marriage
right in your bottom!

I'll see you in court.

Yes.

Well.

That's it, then.

George.

- What?
- We've got to talk.

Tell those pigs to fuck off.

Fuck off, pigs.

Did you hear what I said?

Fuck off.

What's she up to, George?

What are you up to?

You called her darling,

and Wanda.

I've been helping her
get her evidence straight.

It slipped out.

Have you been coaching her?

What do you think?!
We've got ten minutes.

They'll find you guilty, right?

Plead guilty now, tell them
where the loot is, you may get

eight years, out in five and a half.

What if I tell them about Otto...
and Wanda?

- They both did it?
- Yeah.

Great, all right.

Maybe six years, out in four?

So where are the diamonds?

Where's Bartlett?

Upstairs, calming things down.

So, where are they?

Tell Bartlett Ken knows where they are.

George, it'd be a lot quicker
if you told me.

OK! I'll tell Bartlett.

Where's Ken?

He's at the flat.

Thank you for all your help.

I'll be right out.

Taxi! Taxi!

Please... shit!

Taxi!

Come on.

- What?
- Let's go.

- Where?
- Buenos Aires.

- What?
- We're going to George's flat first.

Get in.

Got your passport?

Yeah.

Check the briefcase for mine.

Get your head down.

So, you robbed the jeweller's,
turned one lover in,

and kept one to help you
find the diamonds.

When he does,
you commit perjury in court.

Everyone does it in America.

Not in this country!

Right! Nobody lies in England.

- Like Margaret Thatcher never lied.
- You lied to me from the start.

- You just wanted to get me into bed.
- I fell in love with you!

How come you dumped me, then?

I wasn't rich enough, remember?

Say something in Russian.

No!

What are you thinking, Archie?

I'm trying to find one good reason

why I should take you away with me.

How about

because I have the key
to the safety deposit box.

That's a good reason!

What do we do about Otto?

I'll handle Otto.

Be careful, he's dangerous.

So am I.

Keep it running.

- Why did you bring him?
- Otto, wait!

- I'm beginning to think you like him!
- Wait!

Let's get the diamonds!

Ken!

Are you Ken?

How do you do?

I'm George's barrister.

Oh, my God!

Asshole!

What the bloody hell...

Oh, all right, then.

Archie!

Where have they gone?

Quick! Where have they gone?

They've go... they've go...

What?

Are you all right?

Where have they gone?

They've gone to the

the Ca-ca-ca...

- Are you ill?
- No, no, no.

What?

Ca-ca-ca...

Have you got a stutter?

Yeah, I have. A bit.

OK, fine. Don't worry.

Do you know where they've gone?

Yeah.

Fine, fine. Where?

The Ca-ca

Hotel.

Hotel?

Which hotel?

Ca

The Ca... The Ca...

Go on, go on.

Ca-ca-ca...

It's OK.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Slowly. Very slowly.

Slowly.

The Ca

The Caa

The

Ca

The Caa...

No hurry.

The C-C-Caaa...

Sing it. Sing.

The Caa

The Caa

The Caa, the Caa

Caa

Plenty of time.

Caa

Caa

The Caa

Oh, come on!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Erm...

The Caa

Here. Write it.

Cathcart Towers Hotel?

Cathcart Towers Hotel.

Where is it?

Ken, where is it? Where?!

Hea-Hea-Hea...

Here. Again.

No, no, no.

Heathrow Airport.

Hey! What's the idea?

You can't stay...

Terribly sorry. Take it, it's yours.

Thank you so much.

Er... British Airways to Rio.

Rio? Terminal Four.

Thank you.

Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle?

I'll be with you in a moment.

I'll be right back.

Aisle or window?
Smoking or non-smoking?

What was the middle one?

Anything in non-smoking, thanks.

Gate 14 is boarding now.

Rio!

Otto, don't look back,
there's a cop behind us.

Quick!

Yes, we can just do it, Mr Leach.

Great.

Luggage?

Don't really need any.

- Gate 14.
- Thank you.

Ciao, stupidissimo.

Ow!

Aargh!

Come on, Archie.

Pick up the phone.

Ticket, sir. Airport security.

May I see your boarding pass?

Oh, yes. Certainly.

Very good. Would you mind
stepping over here, please?

Of course.

- Oh, look, the Queen.
- Where?

OK, OK, OK, don't get excited.

OK, OK, OK.

Oh, it's you!
I was actually worried for a minute.

- Keep your hands up.
- No!

- Put 'em up!
- I'll make a deal with you.

I'll put one up.

Put the other one up!

Which looks better?

I'm warning you, Otto.

What are you going to do?

Shoot me? Gun me down in cold blood,
like a dog? Hey?

If you want to settle something,
fight me. You're a man.

Let's fight like men! Come on!

All right.

All right, then.

OK. OK.

You look good, Arch.

That's right. I used to box for Oxford.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I used to kill for the CIA.

Now, get your hands up.

No.

You spineless bimbo.

Now, out.

I'm going to have
to shoot you now, Archie.

But I've got a little time
before my plane leaves

and I'm longing to humiliate you.

So get in that barrel.

What?

In the barrel.

Right.

You English!

You think you're so superior, don't you?

Well, you're the filth of the planet.

A bunch of pompous,

badly-dressed, poverty-stricken,

sexually repressed football hooligans.

Goodbye, Archie.

At least we're not irretrievably vulgar.

Your problem is you don't like winners.

- Winners?
- Yeah.

Winners.

Winners like

North Vietnam?

Shut up!

We did not lose Vietnam!

It was a tie!

I'm telling ya, baby,
they kicked a little ass there.

Boy, they whupped
your hide real good!

No, they didn't.

- Oh, yes, they did.
- No, they didn't.

Oh, yes, they did.

Oh, no they...

Shut up!

Goodbye, Archie.

Are you gonna shoot me?

Er yes, I'm afraid so, old chap.

Sorry!

Look, Otto. Look.

Revenge.

It's K-K-Ken!

C-c-coming to k-k-kill me.

How are you going to c-c-catch me,
K-K-Ken?

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Shit! God!

Fucking limey cement!

Ken! Ken!

Wait, wait, Ken!

Kenny! May I call you Kenny?

Remember Wanda?

I got the deal of a lifetime!

50-50. What do you say?

OK, OK, 60-40.

That's my final offer.

Revenge!

Wait, I got an idea.

You take it all.

Here's my boarding pass. Ken!

I'm gonna... I'm gonna k-k-kill you.

OK, fine, Ken. Come at me.

Give me your best shot.

Go on, you don't have the guts.

Admit it.

OK, you have the guts.

Good. Wait.

Death!

All right, I'm sorry
I ate your fish, OK?!

I'm sorry!

Revenge!

Jesus, I said I'm sorry.

What the fu...? Aaagh!

Got him!

Gotcha again!

You bastard!

Hey! I've lost my stutter.

It's gone.

I can speak.

How much wood could
a woodchuck chuck,

if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Good afternoon, sir.

Boarding pass?

Buongiorno, signorina.

Now, listen. Two things.

One.

Behave yourself from now on,
or I'll break your neck, OK.

Two.

Gorbachov.

Glasnost.

Molotov.

Blinis.

Er... Lenin.

Pushkin.

Chicken Kiev.

Good. Dostoevsky.

Roubles.

Vladivostok.

Assho-o-ole!