A Few Less Men (2017) - full transcript

A destination wedding in Australia's Blue Mountains goes horribly wrong when Luke gets drunk and falls off a cliff. Our boys, David , Tom and Graham suddenly find themselves transporting their friend's corpse back to London, where his grieving Aunt is already planning the funeral. When their private jet crash lands in the bush, the boys must carry the body across the treacherous landscape, contend with some fit ravers, a machete wielding mother and a mix up with a giant gold penis, in a race against time to return Luke home. Provided they all survive - intact.

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[men] Luke!



-So what actually happened?
-He just fell off a precipice.

One minute we were standing there,
the next he wasn't there anymore.

Yeah, he drank too much
at the wedding.

-[David] Luke!
-[Tom] Luke!

[Graham] Luke!

[David] It was such a big fall.

Do you think there's any chance
he could've survived it?

-Yeah, course.
-[David] Oh, great.

A chance in a million,
it's still a chance.

[man] Hello!


[man] Hello!


-That's Luke.
-It's Luke.



Oh, my God. You made it!

-How did you even survive that?
-I know.

I fell through the trees up there.
They must have broken my fall.

Are you OK?

Yeah, my arm hurts a bit,
but otherwise, yeah, I'm fine.


I must be the luckiest man alive!

Oh, God!

He's definitely dead now.

[dramatic music]

Perhaps you, er... you guys would like
to spend a few minutes with him?

That'd be good, thanks.

[cat miaowing]

[dogs barking]

-I'll leave you to it.



I can't believe he's gone.

One second he was there talking to us,
and the next he's...

got a massive boner.

-Look at that thing.

OK, keep your voice down.


Why has he got a boner?
He shouldn't have a boner.

Do you think that vet
was touching him up just now?

[dog barks]

You know, I actually think I've heard
of this happening with dead bodies.

They get a rigor mortis erection.

[David] Maybe we should try
and get rid of it.

I don't really want everyone
coming in and seeing that.

Why not? It's not like
he's going to care, is he?

Luke's our friend, Tom.
He's just died.

The least we can do
is afford him a bit of dignity

and not have his erect nob on display
for the whole world to see.

-How are we going to get rid of it?
-I don't know.

Well, maybe one of us
should try pushing it down.


I'm not touching it.

What difference does it make?
He's not gonna know.

But I'll know. I have got a very
strict policy about touching penises,

especially erect ones.

-If it's so easy why don't you do it?
-OK, fine.

[dramatic music]

-No, I can't do it.
-Look, just massage around it.

That should re-calibrate the pressure
away from the penis,

-bring it down that way.
-OK, move out of the way.

[dog barks]

That looks bloody weird.

Thanks, Tom, that helps a lot.

Don't actually think it's working.
I think it's getting stiffer.

Shit, you're right.

Graham, grab that book.
Try giving it a whack.

-[David] Yeah.

-What, just twat it?

[dramatic music]

Put some backbone into it.



Fuck, this is no good.
Let's try holding him upside down.

Maybe the blood will drain
away from his cock.

-Good idea.

This isn't working.
Why isn't it working?

I'll try the book.

[clears throat]

He's got a boner.

I mean, it wasn't like
we gave him the erection.

It just sort of sprang up.
We were trying to get rid of it.

Well, I'm afraid that someone

is gonna have to call
the next of kin and let them know.

-About the boner?
-About the death.

Oh! Yes, of course.

Obviously, you're absolutely right.

Sorry, my mind's just, uh...

Tom, would you like to do it?

-No, thanks.
-Why not?

Er... same reason you don't want to.

Because it's a shitty job
and his aunt's stone deaf.

Maybe Henry will answer the phone.

Mad Cousin Henry? That's even worse.
Every time I see that psychopath,

he threatens
to put his prison mates on me.

-He does that to me as well.
-Me too.

[David] OK, well he hates all of us.
So who's gonna make the call?

Well, it should probably be the one
who was closest to Luke.

-Thank you.
-And that was you.

That's not true at all. You and him
were just as close as we were.

-Plus, you had that special connection.
-What special connection?

-You totally had a special connection.

Anyway, it was Graham
who was always going on

-saying they were best friends.
-When we were younger maybe,

but we drifted apart
over the last couple of years.

-No, you fucking didn't.
-Yes, we did!

-You fucking didn't.
-Yes, we did.

-No, you did not.
-Yes, we did.

I didn't even like him
that much towards the end.

OK, this is getting embarrassing.

We're just gonna have to do
a thumbs up, thumbs down thing.

The odd one out makes the call.

No, I always lose
at thumbs up, thumbs down.

It's a one in three chance, Graham.
Just do it.


[all] One, two, three.

One, two, three.

-One, two, three.
-Fuck it!

Massive rock, a massive rock.

No, no, it's Graham.

No, Graham's alive, Luke's dead.

Yes! Ye...

Yes, your nephew is dead.

No, he died.

D-E-A-D, dead.

No, no, don't put Henry
on the phone.

No, no! Don't put Henry
on the phone.

He wants to speak to you.

[bells ringing]

[Henry] David, is it true
what Graham just told me?

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

It's just the worst thing
that could've possibly happened.

-How's your mum?
-Oh, she's in pieces.

Keeps saying she wants to see him.

How soon can you get
the body back to London?

I don't know.
We'll get him back as soon as we can.

Whose fault was this?

What? No, it wasn't anyone's fault.
It was a total accident.

I know what a bunch
of fucking idiots you lot are.

I've always told him
he should cut you all loose.

So, I'm holding you personally
responsible for this, David.

Me, why me?

He was only down there
because of your wedding!

You were the one
that dragged him down there!

You're the one
that got him killed!

And you're the one that's going
to bring him back in one piece!

I will, I'll bring him back
in one piece.


Cos if you don't,
I'm gonna fuck you, David.

I'm going to fuck you harder
than you've ever been fucked before.

Do you understand me?

Yeah, I understand.


We need to get Luke back to London
as soon as possible.

-[Graham] How's Mia doing?
-[David] She's been better.

Poor thing. One minute she's
getting ready for her honeymoon,

the next you're off to London.

I know, luckily Mia
is a very understanding person.

Well, she must be,

especially as she got her dad to agree
to us taking his corporate jet.

-How was he about that?
-Not as bad as you'd expect.

-Not great though. Anyway, I had to.

Henry kept going on about
getting Luke back in one piece,

otherwise he says
he's going to fuck me.

What the hell
does he mean by that?

I don't know, but whatever he means,
let's face it, I don't want it.

So I'm gonna really need you guys
to help me make sure

we get Luke back OK and on time.

-No problem.

Mate, it's never going to fit.

[banging continues]

We're gonna have to put it
in the passenger section.

-How're you doing?
-How the hell did this happen, Graham?

Well, a massive rock fell on him.


Which country
are we flying over now?

-Still Australia.
-What, still?

We've been flying for hours.

-Are you OK?
-Hmm? Oh yeah, I'm fine, thanks.

Were you thinking
about your friend?

What? Oh, yeah.


Were you close?

Well, I've known him
since I was a kid, so... you know.

So sad.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

If there's anything else you need,
just let me know.

Yeah, will do.

I saw this on telly.

Got to get it, pump it all out.

I don't want to get
deep vein thrombosis.



I think I might be in there
with that stewardess.


I've got a feeling she could be up
for a sympathy shag.

-Are you serious?

-Anyway, where would you even do it?

And you really think
that's appropriate?

I'll be honest, mate,
I'm a bit torn on this one.

But then Luke's death
has reminded me

that we need to make the most
of life's opportunities, you know?

So what do you want from me?

-That would be great, actually.

If you really think that
having sex in the toilets

while your friend lies in a box
barely three feet away

is the right thing to do--

Brilliant, thanks, mate, cheers.

You absolutely sure this is alright?

Well, it seemed like you were gonna
keep asking me until I said yes, so...

here you are.

It's just that I've never been
in a cockpit before.

Why do they call it a cockpit?

Is it anything to do
with it having cocks in it?

Sometimes. Yep.

-Do you ever wish it had missiles on it?
-No. Can you just take your fingers?


Have you ever been
in an emergency situation

where you had to fly the plane
upside down like Denzel Washington?

No, never.

-Ever met John Travolta?

Imagine if I was a terrorist
and I just went nuts now.

-Have you always had a moustache?

-What's that do?
-Yeah, no, don't, don't.

That's the fuel line.

Pretty, isn't it?


Now I'll be honest, I've always had
a thing for stewardesses.

-I'm a flight attendant.
-Yeah, whatever.

It's just that this would be
a really major thing for me

if we could make this happen.

Your dead friend is in that box,
just there.

Yeah, he won't hear anything.

-This is amazing!
-[sighs] Yep.

-Look, birds!
-Ow, fuck! What--

-What the fuck are you doing?
-I'm sorry.

-What is wrong with you?
-It was an accident.

I got to go and sort this out.

Where are you going?
What about the plane?

It's on auto-pilot,
don't touch anything!

Alright, look,
forget the sex, OK?

-How about just a snog?
-Absolutely not.




[imitates machine gun]



There's a light.

I'll just... tap.

[gasps, sirens blaring]


What the fuck?

Oh my God, we have
to go back to our seats.


What's going on?

What did you do?

That button went off, so I touched it.

You fucking moron.
What, are you trying to get us all killed?




[pilot] Come on,
come on, come on.


Oh, fuck.



[alarm blaring]



Could someone help me, please?

-It wasn't my fault.

And whose fault was it then,
my Aunt Agatha?

-I told you not to touch anything!

[David] What the hell happened?

Your dickwad of a friend here
fucked the plane up

and nearly got us all killed,
that's all.

So what do we do?

Should we try and call for help
on our phones?

Could do, yeah.
Or we could stay out here and die.

-I've got no reception.
-Why haven't we got any reception?

Because we're in the middle
of bumfuck nowhere, that's why.

Personally, I'm going to go
and see if I can find some help.

Yeah, wait for me.

-We should really go with him, David.
-[David] What about Luke?

We'll come back for him.

I'm not leaving him.

You go and send back the help
when you find it.

-I think we should all stay together.
-Fine, then we stay here.

Er... hang on.


OK, last go.

So, what are the chances

anything could ever come of what
we were talking about on the plane?

-Fuck... off!
-Fair enough.

[pilot] Come on, Janet, let's go.

OK, fine, we'll stay.

-It bloody stinks around here.

-That might be me.
-What do you mean?

-I shat myself on that plane.
-We all shat ourselves, Graham.

It was fucking terrifying.

No, I mean, I actually shat myself.

-Jesus, Graham.
-Oh, man.

Go and change, for God's sake.

Yeah, yeah.


For fuck's sake.

[Graham] Where are they?
They've been hours.

What do you think
we should do then?

I think we should leave this death pit
and go and find help.



We're taking Luke.

What, are you mental?
We can't carry that thing.

That thing is one
of your best friends.

If we leave him here,
he's going to decompose.

We need to get him refrigerated.

We can't carry him,
David, he's too heavy.

You know, I hate to agree with Graham,
but in this case he's right, David.

Lugging his body across
the outback, it's insanity.

OK, fine.

Come on.

[David] See, it's not actually
that heavy.

[Graham] Oh, it fucking is.

[Tom] Oh, we're gonna be fine,
just this way.

Probably a pub around here
somewhere, I reckon.

[Graham] Fucking crocodile
in here, I bet.

[groans] Oh, God,
I can't do this anymore.

I feel like my fingers
are about to snap off.

[David] Shut up, Graham.

[Graham] Seriously,
my back is really bad.

[David and Tom] Shut up, Graham.

[Graham] I reckon
it's probably worse than yours

-because I've got the heavy end.
-[David and Tom] Shut up, Graham.

Right that's it,
we're swapping over.

-You take this end.
-No, no way.

That's your end. David's got the front,
I've got the middle.

We are all used to our positions.

That is the lamest thing
I've ever heard.

You're the lamest thing
I have ever heard.

Yeah? Well your mum's
the lamest thing I've ever heard.

-Your mum's got a beard.
-She's got hormonal problems, Tom.

Can you just stop it?

If we don't get Luke's body
back to London before it goes moldy,

Henry's going to actually
kill us, isn't he?

Quite possibly, yes.

Remember when that kid at school
took a bite of Luke's sandwich?

Henry got hold of the kid,
stuck his head in a urinal

and then pissed on it.

[in unison] Piss-face John Tait.


[Graham] I'm never walking again.

If we ever make it back to London,
I'm getting a wheelchair.

I'm just gonna tell everyone I'm disabled
and get someone to wheel me around.

[all] Oh, oh, oh,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

[David] I think I can see a road.

-Oh, my God.
-[Graham] Where?

[David] Just up there,
do you see it?

[Tom] Not really.

[David] It definitely
looks like a road.


[Graham] You said
there was a road!

[David] I thought there was.

So what do we do now?

-We need to learn from this.
-We're going to die from this.

We need to grow
from this experience. All of us.

That's true, actually.
Especially Graham.

What, what does that mean?

Not just Graham, Tom.
You as well, especially you, in fact.

Why especially me?

Because you're well into your thirties,
you still behave like a horny schoolboy.

You say that
like it's a bad thing, David.

And you crashed the plane.

-It was an accident.
-It was not an accident.

Yes, it was.
It could've happened to anyone.

-He left me by myself.
-I feel like we're stunted.

All this bickering,
the little snide remarks.

We've got a chance to live our lives.
A chance that Luke didn't have.

If there was any justice at all,

Luke would still be alive.

[Graham] I don't think
I can move anymore.

We're in the middle of nowhere,
totally, totally fucked.

[thunder rumbling]


-Wait. Stop, wait.

-Hurry up!


[shouting indistinctly]


[Graham] There's another one.


[David] What is that?

? Take a little bit ?

? You're a backseat driver ?

? Take a little ?

-[Graham] Oh, my God.
-Are you boys OK?

Yeah, thank you so much
for stopping.

-What are you guys doing here?
-It's a long story, but...

Basically, we were in a plane
and it crashed.

You had a plane crash?
Bloody hell!

Yeah, he crashed it.

[David] Is there any way

you could take us
to the nearest town?

Sure, come on.

-Yeah, no worries.

Thank you.

Don't forget your box.

We won't.

-[Angie] What's in that thing?


-What's in the box?
-That box?

[Angie] Yeah, the massive box.

It's, um...

It's meat.

It's meat. [chuckles]

Yeah, we're transporting
a load of... meat.

Yeah, alright.
Why don't you stick it in the back?

[Graham] So, um, where are
you guys actually headed then?

[Angie] We're going to this
little underground festival.

A festival?

Yeah, you guys should come.
It'll be fun.

Lots of drinking, drugs, fucking,
that sort of thing.

-Absolutely not.

-You don't know what I'm gonna say.
-I know exactly what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say
we should go to the festival,

and there's no way on earth
that's happening.

-Are you feeling sick?
-No, just looking out the window.

-Nice view.
-It is a nice view.

-It's beautiful out here.
-Lovely, very nice.

We need to get Luke home.

We're not sticking around
so you can try and get laid.

Actually, I'm not thinking
of getting laid at all.

I'm thinking of going to the festival

because there'll be food and drink
and a telephone, yeah?

And maybe even a fridge
for the meat.

What does this switch do?

Ah, that one's for the party lights.

I probably shouldn't touch switches.

OK, fine, whatever.

-Graham, do not touch any switches!
-I was just wondering what that one did.

[horn beeping]

Boys! You brought boys!


-Who's that?
-That is Felicity.

She owns the place.

What are you gonna do
with your big box of meat?

-[Felicity] You've brought meat?

-Come with me.
-[Lisa] See you in there, guys.

[Felicity] This way
to the Felicity festival.

One for you, large for you,
some for you.

[shirtless guy] Condoms,
get your free condoms.

[up-tempo techno music]


Hey, how are you?


[Felicity] OK, just put it
right down there.

-Alright, I'll see you in a bit.
-Where are you going?

I'm just gonna have a whazz.

-See ya.

I'm gonna go and use the phone.
Keep an eye on that fridge area.

Make sure no-one goes in
and finds Luke.

What, you expect me
to just stand here by myself?

Yeah, that's right.


-You guys look absolutely amazing.

Wow, when did all this
actually start?

Days ago.

It happens every year
when Felicity's husband goes off.

Everyone gets fucked up
and goes mental.


[phone rings]


[phone keeps ringing]


-Can you seriously not hear that?
-Hear what?

-Henry? Henry, it's David.

David, where the fuck are you?

Listen, everything's fine.

We just had a bit of a problem.
We're gonna be a bit delayed.

What kind of problem?

The plane crashed.

-You what?
-But don't worry, Luke's fine.

I mean, we're going
to get him back home.

Well, he's not fine, is he?

He's dead. I wouldn't exactly
constitute dead as fine. Would you?

Well, no, I mean his body's fine.
We're going to get him back home.

Well, how long? The funeral's
already organized and paid for.

It's all going to happen
in a few days.

We'll make it back, I promise.

You remember what I told you, David.

I do, I remember.

It's all going to be fine.
I've got it all under control.

Balls, piss, shit, tits!

-Who the fuck was that?

Er... we just, it's no-one, um...

Are you at some kind of party?

What? No, it's...

It's not really a party.
It's more of a festival.

A festival?

We're in a town near Perth.

Do you mind?

Listen, we're going to get him
back home in one--

Mate, I need to make a call.

It's an emergency.

Won't be a minute.

Sorry about that, Henry.

[dial tone]

Bill, mate?
We need more beer.

Yeah, now.

What do you mean, you can't?
Fucking arsehole!

Sorry, mate.

-[woman] Oh get out of it, you perv!
-Oh, sorry, sorry.

I feel like I'm dying.

You're not dying.
You just need to eat something.

Now, you wait here.

I'm going to make you
a nice, big, juicy...


[throws up]

[woman 1] Hey, did you hear
they found a body?

[woman 2] A what?

[woman 1] A body.
Felicity found a dead guy in the kitchen.

-[woman 2] Who is it?
-[woman 1] I don't know, just some guy.

-[woman 2] Let's go take a look.
-[woman 1] Do you think we should?

[woman 2] Yeah.

They've found him.

[Lisa] So, here's an idea.

Want to have a threesome
with me and my mate?


Oh, if you're not into it,
I totally get it, it's--

No, of course I'm bloody into it.

Well, hang on, you don't mean
a threesome with a bloke, do you?

No, of course not.

It's my friend Heidi.
Have you seen her?

She's gorgeous.

She's pretty filthy too,
so if you don't want to, I get it.

No, it's OK,
I don't discriminate.

OK, great.

So I'll go get her then, shall I?


Er... OK.

Oh, yeah... Oh!


I know, why don't we paint him?

That's a fucking brilliant idea.


Tom, thank God. We need you.
They've got Luke.


They've found Luke.
We've gotta go and sort it out.

Alright, you guys go and do that.
I'll catch you up in a bit.

-What d'you mean? You're coming too.
-I can't.

-What do you mean, you can't?
-That girl, Lisa, she is... threesome.

-We're gonna have a threesome.

Me, her and her mate.

-We don't have time to discuss this.
-You two need to fuck off.

-Just come on.
-No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-Hey, what's going on?
-Er... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.



[rhythmic music]

[crowd cheering]

[up-tempo music]

Stop! Stop! Stop!


That's our friend.

Well what the fuck are you bringing
your dead friend to a festival for?

We're trying to get his body home.

A snake bit my cock!

A snake bit my cock!
A snake bit my cock!

[crowd chattering]

Graham, come on.

Let's go. Go! Go!


You need to go to Perth
and bring Luke back.

You can't trust those boys.

I'm not going to Perth.
It's on the other side of the planet.


I'm not going to Perth,
it's miles away.

-You need to go to Perth.
-I'm not going to Perth.

You need to get
on the next flight out there.

I'm not going!


You go over and meet them

and make sure you bring Luke back
in time for the funeral.

It's all paid for.

Alright, I'll fucking go,
to fucking Perth, for fuck's sake!

[birds squawking]

I still can't believe it.

A bloody threesome.
A threesome!

It's alright for you two,
you don't understand this stuff.

But I depend on these
deviant sexual experiences

to give my life some sense
of meaning.

[Graham] Boys,

does anyone else think
this box looks a bit like a penis?

[Tom] It does a bit.

A big gold cock.

[Graham] It's got a helmet.


Hi, everyone.

Sorry to disturb you all,

but we really need a lift
as far to Perth as possible.

Is there anyone that might
be able to help us out?

Yeah, I'll take youse.

-Thank you so much.
-No worries, ten minutes, OK?



-What's in the box?
-Oh, erm... it's our mate.


So that's his coffin.

-Eh? Dead, is he?


You don't want to be wheeling him
around like that. Not in this heat.

-No, I know.
-You wanna get him buried.

-Yeah, I know that.
-He'll start going bad.


-Thanks for the advice.
-Yeah, no. No worries.

Anyway, you just stick your mate in
the back of my truck and we'll head off.

Thank you so much again.
This is such an incredible help.

Yeah, no worries.

I'll just take a piss
and then we'll head off.

Uh, which truck is it?

It's the white one out the back
to the left, handsome.


[all] Two, three.


Slow, slow, slow!


[Graham] Get the side up.

OK, we're ready.

-Righto, let's go.


-Sorry, where are you going?
-[Eric] To my truck.

Your truck's over there, mate.

No, it isn't.

-You said the white one on the left.
-Did I say left?

I meant right. Sorry.

I'm always getting them two
muddled up.



It's there.

-Er... er, it's going.

-The truck. It's going.
-Wait, wait.

-No, stop.
-Wait. Stop.

-Oh, that's funny.

-Wait, wait.
-Stop, stop.


[Tom] What the fuck?


[Graham] Hey, hey.


Well, what did you do?
Put your penis in the wrong truck?

Yes, we need to catch up with it,
let's go.



-[Graham] Can you hurry up, please?
-Yeah, righto.

[groans] Bad hip.

Let's go.

-Righto, seat belts on.
-Come on, please.

[panting] Quickly! Quickly!

[Eric] Almost made it.

[Graham] Sorry,
but we've really got to hurry up.

[Eric] Yeah, righto.

-Am I clear at the back?

Yes, you're fine.

-[David] Come on, please.
-[Tom] Go.

-[Graham] Hey, let's go.
-[Eric] And we're off.


Can you please just put more pressure
on the accelerator pedal?

I don't want to get a speeding ticket.

I'll pay the ticket, I'll pay double!

I don't like being indebted to people.

Just put your foot down
on the fucking accelerator!

Jesus, keep your hair on, will ya?

You really should've checked

before you put your penis
in the wrong truck, you know?


This is no good.

He's gone.

Just stop the truck, please.

Just stop the truck!

Fucking, God, fuck!




[cows mooing]


What do we do?

What are our options?

Yeah, it's not gonna be easy
tracing a white truck.

Every fucker seems to have one.

Did either of you
see the number plate?


-I saw it.
-You did?

That's amazing, what was it?

-I can't remember.
-What do you mean?

Well, I wasn't really
paying attention.

Why weren't you paying attention?
You should always be paying attention.

Well, I'm sorry. I mean,
I didn't know this was gonna happen!

I'm never going to remember
if you two keep shouting at me.

No, he's right, he's right. OK.

Look, we all need
to just calm down, OK?

Now just think back, think.

It was a name,
it was a weird name.


And what was it?

It was, erm...

It was...

Just think.

Relax and think.

It's inside you, Graham.

It's, er...

[David] You can do it, Graham.

It's gone.

What do you mean it's gone?
Just think, just fucking think!

Why can't you ever
get anything right?

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

Well let's just think, shall we?

You crashed the plane.

You didn't stay with Luke
when you were supposed to.

You basically fuck up everything
you've ever been involved in!

-He's out of order.
-David, just calm down a bit.

I can't calm down!

I'm responsible for this!
Don't you get it?

Luke wouldn't even have been
in Australia if it wasn't for me.

And now he's dead.

And the very least I can do

is deliver him to his aunt
in one piece.

If I can't do that one
little thing for him,

how am I ever gonna
live with myself?


I'm sorry, brother.




The number plate,
it said Mungus.


-Are you sure?
-Yeah, I'm sure.

Eric, do you know where
the nearest police station is?

Yeah, no, yeah.

-What, is this it?

OK, cool.

Well, thanks for the lift.

And I'm sorry that I, you know,
shouted and stuff.

Did you shout?

A bit, yeah.


-Anyway, thanks.
-[Eric] Yeah.

Yeah, I'll be seeing youse.

-Yeah, cheers.


Yeah, youse take care
of yourselves now, eh.

We will.


Yeah, I'll be heading off now
anyway, so...




Did you say something?


-You can go now.

[starts engine]

[Eric] Cheers.


"If unattended,
please ring bell."

Well go on, press it.

Press it.


[doorbell rings]

Good one.

I'll be fucked.


-Hi there, Officer.

This is a bit of an odd one.

We're trying to find a guy
we think might live in the area.

We've got his number plate. We were
hoping you could give us his address.

Yeah, definitely.

-Oh. Brilliant

No, I'm always giving out people's
addresses to random strangers.

-Yeah, all day long.

Are you being sarcastic?

No, I'm not being sarcastic.
Why would I be sarcastic?

Well, it's really important.

Is it? Why?

-Because he's got something of ours.
-What's he got?

-It's a box.
-A box? What's it look like?

-A penis, a gold penis.
-A penis?

It's gold, a gold penis.


Anything in this
penis-shaped box,

or is it just an empty
penis-shaped box?

Oh, yeah,
there's something in it.


It's our friend.

Your friend is
in a penis-shaped box?

Gold penis.

What is this, a joke?

This isn't a joke.
This is absolutely serious.

Our friend died.

We were taking him back home
and our plane crash-landed

and now someone's taken him off
in a penis-shaped box.

-[Tom] Yep.

You know wasting police time
is a criminal offence, don't ya?



[door slams shut]

-Well, is she coming back or what?
-It's unclear, isn't it?

She's just sitting there
with her feet up.

Oh, for fuck's sake!
What's going on in this place?

-How are we gonna find Mungus now?
-I know Mungus.

You do?

Know where he lives, too.
I can take you there if you like.

That'd be fucking fantastic, thank you!

No problem, get in the Kombi.

David, you lump of shit.

It's Henry.

I'm in Abu Dhabi,
on the way to Perth

to make sure you don't
screw up getting Luke back.

I'll be there tomorrow morning.

Here's what I want you to do.

? Ooh, la, la, la, la, la ?

? Yeah ?

? Ooh, la, la, la, la, la ?

Thanks for driving us here.

-Really grateful.
-No worries.

So, what were you doing
at the police station earlier on?

I got done for assault.


You're cute.

Am I? Thanks.

I don't usually go for English blokes
'cause they're all gay,

but I'd consider doing you.




You like Australian women?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Do you know any?

-What the fuck does that mean?
-[Graham] I'm sorry.

-It was meant to be a joke.
-Why have we stopped?

Because you're all fucking off,
that's why.

-What have you done now?
-Well, I didn't mean anything by it.

-What did you say?
-Oh go on, tell him.

Well, Maureen asked
if I liked Australian women,

and I said,
"Why, do you know any?"

-Oh, you wanker!
-Well, Maureen, come back.

-Jesus, Graham.
-What? I didn't think it was that bad.

Utter penis.


Maureen, I'd just like to apologize
on behalf of my friend. He's an idiot.

-Yes, he is, a total idiot.
-I know.

A total fucking idiot!

Anyway, I know you're upset,

but do you think it would be OK for you
to please take us to Mungus's place?

Well, I don't know now. I feel like
I'm having the piss taken out of me.

No-one's taking the piss out of you.

You think because I'm not 25 years old,
I'm not a sexual being, don't you?

-No, I don't think that at all.
-Well, he fucking does!

-Hi, guys.
-What's going on?

So, here's the deal.

Maureen's agreed to take us
to Mungus's, but on one condition.

What's the condition?

She, um...

-Well, come on David, spit it out.

-She wants to have sex.

-She wants to have sex.
-Who with?

-With Graham.

-Is she fucking joking?
-She's definitely not joking.

She says you insulted her, so now
she feels the need to prove to you

that she's the best lover
in the whole of Western Australia.

-Fair enough.
-I believe her.

It's not enough,
she wants to prove it.

But she's too old. She looks
like my gran, for fuck's sake.

-Which gran?
-Granny Charlotte.

-Oh yeah, she does a bit.
-OK, but she's not actually your gran.

-Does look a lot like her though.
-Tom, will you shut up?

As I was saying,
she's not actually your gran.

And the fact is, if you don't do it,

we're gonna end up stranded
in the middle of fucksville,

with a very good chance
we'll lose Luke forever.

Well, is there any wiggle room
for negotiation?

-Maybe she'll accept a fingering?
-Oh, Tom.

She was very clear.

-It's got to be full-blown intercourse.
-Oh, for fuck's sake! You do it, David.

-I can't do it, I'm married.
-Who gives a shit if you're married?

I don't know if you've
heard of this concept,

but married people aren't
supposed to go shagging around.

It's not shagging around, is it?

It's shagging one person
for a very specific reason

and these are very
mitigating circumstances.

I'm not sure Mia's
going to see it like that.

Anyway, you're single,
you won't be cheating on anyone.

-What, Tom's single.
-Yeah, but she doesn't want me.

She wants you.
She asked for you very specifically.

Maybe if you offered yourself to her.
I mean, come on, this is your area.

-What, shagging old women?
-Yeah, you're always experimenting.

No, I've never done anything like this.
This is fucking nuts.

Hey, hurry up,
or I'm taking off!

Won't be a minute.

Aw, she's horrible.

Alright, thumbs up,
thumbs down.

-No Graham.
-No Graham.

But look, I can't physically do it.
Don't you understand that?

What do you mean?

Look there's something I've been
meaning to tell you for some time,

and I'm sorry it's taken me this long
to tell you, but... I'm a gay.

You're gay?

And it would be a total betrayal
of myself to my sexuality.

I just can't do it to my gay brothers
and sisters. They'd be livid.

Nice try, Graham.

Look, I'm not bullshitting you.
I really am a gay!

I've known you for 30 years. You're not
gay, you're just trying to get out of it.

Alright, alright, I'm not gay,

but please, please David,
please don't make me do it.

Graham, look,

our friend's dead.

His body is out there somewhere,

and our only chance of getting him
back home to his aunt and mad cousin

is if you go and shag
that old lady over there.

-Now, come on, man.
-Yeah, come on, man.

Do it for Luke.



[Maureen] Whoo,
do I turn you on, Grah?

-Do you want me to help you?

No, it's alright, Maureen.
I know what I'm doing, it's fine.

-Now give us a snog, I'm not a hooker.
-OK, I just...


Oh, Maureen, ah.

-Oh. [giggling]

See, I knew you could do it.


Just... oh, oh.


-Shall we move a bit further away?


-Let's, yeah.
-[David] Fuck, that's different.




[Graham] I'm a naughty boy,
Maureen. I'm an animal.

Uh! Oh, God. I'm going again.
I'm going again.

Oh! Ooh, it's nice.

Ooh, woman nipples.


[Maureen giggling]

[Graham] Careful, don't snap it.

-Jesus, are you OK?

You've been in there fucking ages.

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

Fucking hell,
you actually enjoyed it, didn't you?

Why, what was so good about it?

-What did she do?

-Oh, a gentleman never tells.

[Graham] That woman is very creative.

I am as empty
as an empty shower pump.


? Oh, la, la, la, la, la ?

? Oh, la, la, la, la, la ?
-Oh, I'm alright, thanks.

Well, here we are.

Mungus lives right in there,
so out you get.

Ah, brilliant.

Thanks Maureen, you're a star.

Hey, er, listen, maybe we could grab
a drink or something while I'm in town.

I don't think so, mate.

Right, fair enough.

So um, Maureen, are you
on Facebook or anything?


Well I thought maybe we could,
you know, keep in touch.

Look, son, this was
a one-off deal, hmm?

Right, understood.

You could follow me
on Twitter if you like.



No direct messaging though.


[Maureen] Mm.

[birds chirping]

Fuck off.

Probably a bit louder.

[fly buzzing]

Oh, for fuck's sake.

-[Graham] Shh!
-[Mungus] Hello?

-Hi there.
-Is that Mungus?


Yes, who's there?

We're sorry to disturb you.

We think you might have something
that belongs to us.

-It's our friend.
-Shut up!

-Can you just let me deal with this?

[multiple locks unlocking]


You're Mungus, yeah?

Yeah, George Mungus.
How can I help you?

We put something in your truck
by mistake

when you were
at the roadhouse earlier.

In my truck?
What did you put in my truck?

-Ah well, It's a box.
-Looks like a penis.

Do you mind if we
just take a quick look?

I know it sounds a bit weird.

Do you mind if we take a look,
see if it's still there?

Yeah, sure.
The truck's just round the back.

-He's there.


I did not even know
that was there.

We put it in there by accident,
I'm so sorry.

Ah, no worries.

-So how did you blokes find me?

-She's a special lady, that Maureen.
-Yeah, she is.

So, I don't suppose
we could make a call,

sort out some transport?

Yeah, of course you can.

-Come on inside.
-Amazing, thanks.

No worries.

I got to be honest, I don't think
I'll be telling the boys down the pub

that I've been carting around
a massive steel penis.

So do you guys want a cup of tea
or anything?

Ah, fuck yeah,
that would be great.

Er... can I just ask you guys
a small favor though?

Sure, what is it?

Can I introduce you to my mother?
I know she'd love to meet you.

-Yeah, sure, why not?
-Great. I'll, er... I'll go get her then.

The living room's
just around the corner there.

-Hands off her, Graham.
-Shut up.


Right, where's this old biddy then?

Don't know.

Still, Mungus seems
a decent bloke at least.

I know.

Nice to finally meet someone
in this place who isn't mental.


Oh, you are
fucking kidding me.

That's Mungus, isn't it?

I'm afraid so.

It is such a pleasure
to meet you boys.

George has told me
all about you.

Oh, I'm sorry,
where are my manners?

I'm Mother.

Now I want to make yourselves
as comfortable as--

-We, er... really need to be going.
-Too fucking right.

Oh, there it is.

-I've been looking for that.
-Oh, I don't like this.

-For the cake.
-OK, look...

-We just want to take our friend and go.
-Your friend?

Oh, you mean the young lady
that was in the box?

-What do you mean, "lady"?
-What do you mean, "was"?

Well, I've moved her
into the bedroom.


Isn't she lovely?

Hello, sweetheart.

So, tea and cake
for everyone, yes?


Now, you guys go and get dressed,

and I'll see you out there
in a minute.

-[Tom] Get dressed?
-Well, yes.

You have to get dressed
for the tea party.

Everything you need is in there.

-In there?

In you go.

[lock clicks]

-[Graham] What the fuck is going on?
-That bloke is fucking nuts.

Yeah, but he's not just nuts though.
He's a fucking psychopath.

-He's gonna kill us and wear our skin.
-No, he's not, Graham.

How do you fucking know?

Because we're gonna keep calm,
and do what he asks,

-and we're gonna find a way out.
-Do what he asks?

What, dress up as trannies?

No fucking way.
I'm not dressing up like a tranny.

-That's page one, David.
-Stop saying tranny.

-Tranny, tranny.
-He's not a tranny.

-Tranny, tranny, tranny, tranny.
-He's not a tranny.

-Am I offending you, David?
-Yes, you are.

I don't give a shit that he wears a dress
and thinks he's his mother.

I give a shit that he's in there
with a fifteen-inch machete

and there's every indication
that he's mad enough to use it.

You two do what you want to do.
I'm making a run for it.

But she's out there.
She might kill us if we run.

Well, I'll take my chances.
It's every man for himself.

Tom, just be rational about this.

If that means having a dress-ups
tea party with Norman fucking Bates,

then I'd rather not be rational, thanks.

I'm not gonna die now, especially when
I didn't even get my fucking threesome!

We're going to die.

Oh, I think he shat himself again.

Oh for fuck's sake, have you?

You got a real problem,
you know that?

OK, fine.

So, what's your master plan then?

[upbeat music]

Well, this is great, isn't it?


What's wrong with your friend?
He seems a bit uncomfortable.

-He shat himself.
-Oh, I see. Mmh.

Mmh. Well... anyone for cake?



Well, in that case

I would like
to make a quick toast

to thank you all for coming.

I get a bit lonely here sometimes,

which is why I'm so happy to have met
you wonderful English ladies,

and I would love it
if we could all stay together

for a very long time indeed.

Basically, forever really.

Cheers, everyone.





Now, who would like Lamingtons?


Right. Hmm.

Did you hear him say forever?
That means dead.

Right, can I make a strong suggestion

that we leave now before
he chops us up into little pieces?

-OK, let's go.
-Come on.


[Tom] Are you fucking joking?
Leave him!

We're not leaving him,
just grab him.

It's locked.


Check the windows.

-The windows are nailed shut.
-Fuck's sake.

-There's got to be a key somewhere.
-[Mother] Here come the Lamingtons.

-Stall her!

-Just do it.
-Just do it.


-OK, help me find the key.

How's it going?

Yes, good.

-You're going to love these.
-Yeah, I bet.

They look yummy.

Well they are, yes.

Um... I just... well,
who made your dress?

It fits you really snugly.

Oh, thank you, Tom.

-I actually made the dress myself.
-No way.

Yes, way.



How many vaginas
do you think a wombat has?

Well I would think
just the one, Tom.

No, it's two.

Well, hmm!
That's a lot of vaginas.

Yes, and did you know
Australia has the world's longest fence?

I got them, I got them, I got them!

Just one more thing.

Yes, Tom?

-[Graham] No.
-[David] Give it to me.


[Graham] I've got them in order,
David, alright?

Yes, yes!

Ah... you're barking
up the wrong tree there, mate.

We're out!


[screaming] Leg it!

[Graham] Run for your life, run!

Tom, help us!

-No, no, no, no.


-Oi, Mungus!

What are you doing,
you dopey cunt?

But they're taking her.

What the fuck are you talking about?
That's their dead friend.

Now stop being so rude
and acting like a bloody maniac.

I wasn't gonna hurt anyone.

How do they know that when you're
running around with a fucking machete?

Sorry, guys.

Now, you go back inside
and have a lie down.

He's alright, he just gets
a bit funny sometimes.


You go and get your clothes
and I'll take you to Perth.

? Come on tell me ?

? If you know where she is at ?

? How could I see ?

? Honey dear ?

? Can't you hear me calling you ?

? I'll soon be there ?

How come you're still
wearing that dress?

I shat in my trousers, Maureen.

Ooh! One thing I learned getting old,
I never trust a fart.

At last I've got reception.

-[Henry] David!
-Oh shit, it's Henry.

I'm on my way to Perth.

-He's coming to Perth!
-What? When?

He wants us to deliver Luke
to some funeral home by three o'clock.


? You're hiding
and you're gonna be found ?

? I think you know
what's on my mind ?

? You know what I want ?

Grab his legs.

Gentle, gentle!

You totally saved us, Maureen.
I don't know how we can thank you.

That's alright.
You get your friend home.

OK, bye.


[Tom] Graham,
when you've finished...



Shit. Henry.

Henry's here!

-He's early.

-Quick, out of the way.
-What's that?

[Graham] It's OK, it's alright.
No need to panic.

-Never mind. No, it's OK.
-[woman] This is highly irregular.


Open this door now.

Won't be a minute.

-[Tom] What is this stuff?
-[David] It's paint, just get it off.



Oh, God. He's going
around the side.

I'm going to count to four.


David! Have you forgotten
what I said, David?

Jesus, we're never gonna get
this paint off on time. On three.


Why didn't either of you remember
to do this when we were in the car?

-I didn't realize he was gonna be here.
-It's not like you remembered, David.

That's right, cos I have to remember
everything, as always. Thanks.

Being friends with you two is like being
a father to two massive idiot babies.

Tom, open the bloody door.
I'm not angry.

Everything always goes wrong.

Oh, I see. So it's all mine
and Graham's fault, is it?

No, but it would've been easier to deal
with if you weren't so out for yourself.

And if Graham didn't fuck everything up.

If Graham's a buffoon and I'm a selfish
prick, then why are we still friends?

That's a seriously good question.

You don't mean that, David.

Let's just say it crossed my mind.

Releasing the feeling
that I am angry.

Releasing the feeling
that I am angry.

Yeah, well you don't really
need us anymore, do you?

-Not since you married that bint.


-Did you just call my wife a bint?

Ah... releasing the feeling,
excuse me, sir.

That's a lovely tie.
It's a nice color on your complexion.

Is there another way
into this building?

-We need somewhere to put Luke.
-In there.

There's a dead man in here.

Just swap them over.


What the fuck is going on?



So, Henry, what made you
come to Perth?

Because I knew
I couldn't trust you fuckwits

to bring him back in one piece.

Here he is.

Why has he got a boner?

It just won't go down.
I'm really sorry.

-We did everything we--
-It's OK.

I'd like to go out with a boner.

His dick's been painted.

I don't want to know.

Do you think we can still make
the funeral on time?

We better fucking make it.

I've booked us
on the next flight to London.

We've got one hour
and 49 minutes to make it.

And by the way, one of you fucktards
is gonna need to do the eulogy.

-I'll do it.

It's alright.

[woman on PA]
This is the final boarding call

for Qantas flight QF1
to London Heathrow.

Your flight is now boarding
at gate 15.

Would all passengers...

Are you sure it's a good idea
for you to do the eulogy, Graham?

You're the worst public speaker
in the world.

No I'm not! I'm really good
if I've got time to prepare.

-[David] Now, now.
-Hey, it's the Captain.

-You made it.
-That's him.

That's that cock-faced prick
that crashed my plane.

It's actually a pretty full flight,

so two of you will be upgraded
to business class.

What, does that mean
one of us has to fly economy?

I'm afraid so.

Oh, great! So how are we
going to sort that out?

Well it's not gonna be me,
that's for sure. I snogged Mungus.

-Well, I shagged Maureen.
-Yeah, but you loved it, Graham.

-No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did.

I didn't, it was disgusting.
-It was not disgusting, you loved it.

Alright. David, thumbs up,
thumbs down. Ready?

-One, two, three.
-No, I'm sitting in economy.


Because if sitting in a very
uncomfortable seat for 22 hours

means I get to be away from you two,
then that's good with me.

Come on, David. You weren't serious
about all that, were you?

For one thing,
you called my wife a bint.

-Yeah, but--
-Beyond that, I'm sick of the moaning,

the bickering, the squabbling,
the idiocy,

-the shitting in the pants.

I'm done with all of it!

Thank you.

David, look.

-We're all tired.
-This isn't working for me anymore.

And it hasn't been for a long time.

Are you splitting up with us?

If you want to put it that way, yeah.

That suits me.

-Guys, what--
-Leave it, Graham.

He's made up his mind.

-Have a nice flight.
-Thank you, darling.


? I remember all the things
you said to me ?

? Never saw the truth ?

? Through the tears I cried ?

? I guess it's time to say goodbye ?

? Goodbye ?

-Have you seen David?
-He's probably here somewhere.

I'm starting to regret
saying I'd do the eulogy.

Yeah, of course you bloody are.

Do you even know
what you're gonna say?

I was just gonna say
what a great friend Luke was.


And how he had the biggest heart
of anyone I've ever known.

And the biggest cock.

Yeah, I don't think I'll mention that.

He did have a big cock though,
didn't he? Who knew?

What a bloody waste.

Can you stop talking about
our dead mate's cock, please?

Shit, I'm getting nervous now.

-What are you worried about? Henry?

And I also thought
if I do a good job with the eulogy,

maybe David won't be so angry.

I don't think that's gonna
make the difference, Graham.

What are we going to do then?

I don't know.

Fuck, this is going to be
a nightmare.

[Tom] Here you are.
Have a toke on this bake-off.

Are you serious? Don't you remember
what happened to me

last time I took drugs
before a speech?

That was totally different, Graham.
That was coke that got you too high.

This is weed,
it'll just calm you down.

-Yeah! Yeah, go on. Get it down you.

We can't do it here.

Oh, come on, let's go
to that park over the road.


-Bake off.
-Bake off.

Come on.

[organ music]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

-Luke was a great guy.
-Thank you.

-Your name's Graham, isn't it?
-No, David.

Luke was always so fond of you,


This is Luke's friend Graham.

-[man] Hello, Graham.
-[David] It's David.

[man] Graham.


[slurring] Let's sit here.



-I'm utterly fucked.
-Me too.

That weed's really fucking powerful.

I think it must be laced with something.

It's seriously trippy, man.

Why didn't you tell me how strong
it was before we smoked it?

I forgot.

-Welcome, everyone.

We'll begin today's service

with a few words
from Luke's friend, Graham.




[Henry growls]

That's not Graham.


Hi, everyone.

I'm Graham.

He's not.


Luke and I were friends
for many years,

and during that time
he was always a true friend.

He really cared about people.

And of everyone I've ever known,

he definitely had the biggest cock.

-What was that?


I was meant to say biggest heart.

I mean, it's not like
I ever saw Luke's...

Well, not fully erect anyway.

Well, that's not strictly true, actually,

because when he died,
he had this massive hard-on.


It wasn't that massive.

It was more like...

It wasn't like a monster cock.


Sort of thing you see in pornos.




I don't know why I'm laughing.

I'm really sad.

[talking muffled with laughter]

Hello, hello, everyone.

I apologize for my friend Graham here.
I just...

[Graham laughing]

Oh, effing bake.

-Huh? Huh?

[clears throat]

What he was trying to say

is that Luke was
a great friend to all of us,

and we're gonna miss him.

You know, he was kind of
like the glue that kept us together.

And I guess since he's gone,

things have kind of fallen apart a bit.


I mean we may have had
our ups and downs,

and none of us are perfect,
far from it,

but we went through a lot together.

And I wouldn't change
our little group

for anything in the world.



That's Graham.

Sorry, mate.

[Graham] I'm sorry, too.


-Oh, shut up, Graham.
-[Graham] I'm sorry.


I'd just like to add that...
we'll never forget Luke.

Like Tom said, none of us
are without our foibles,

but true friends accept each other,
even with their flaws,

and Luke...

was a true friend.

With a large penis.




That's it.

Stop, oi.


I'm not going to fuck you, David.
I'm going to fuck all of you.

You can't run away from me.

Stop! Stop, you lot.

Time for a bollicking.

Oh, you're a slippery fucker.

When I get hold of you, you'll wish
you never had an asshole, David.

Graham, stop!

Where the fuck did they go?



Do you think they've gone?

We should give it a bit longer,
just in case.



Have you shat yourself again,

No, just farted.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, that's really bad.



Smelling your own fart
is always nice, isn't it?


-[Henry] Hello.

[dramatic music]

[clapper] 40 boobs, take one.

Nice board.

Fucking cunt. Fuck!

Fucking cunt. Fuck!


[flies buzzing]

[Mungus] Yes, who's there?



-Wombats are the worst.
-[Graham] Wombats?

Well, they've got
a two-pronged penis.

A two-pronged penis?

The females have got two vaginas.

-[Tom] Yeah?

[Graham] Don't you remember what
happened the last time I took drugs

-before a speech?
-That was totally different.

Are you serious?

Don't you remember what happened
last time... [babbling].


He's our friend.

-Shut up.
-Can you just let me...


It's not shagging around though, is it?

It's shagging one person
for a very specific reason.

And there just happens to be
very mit... mitigating... [babbling].

Do it again.

Airbus, British wings, British made.

What's happening?

-Hang on.
-Different scene.

-It's a different scene.
-I thought so, just checking.

The point is, you know,
this would make me really happy

if we could fuck up my lines
any more than I have, fuck!


Do you think, Mark, do you think
Lynette should slap me in the face?

-[Mark] Great.
-Quite hard?

-[Mark] Yes, definitely.
-[Maureen] Do you like it?

I think we should just... go, slap me,
but just give me a bit more, er...

[Maureen] Why would I do that?
I've never...

-That's S&M.
-[Mark] Go for it.

[Maureen] Well, I don't even...

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.

You're not a child, Tom,
so you just...

You're not a child, Tom.



-Sorry, it's my fault.

Now, that's Kev.
That goes down as Kevin, not me, OK?

It's not me.

That's not me. That's not me.

Seventy-six Anus.

A camera mark.
Take one.

I don't think you heard me
properly, David.

Sorry, I fucked that line up.

So, I don't suppose
we could make a call,

-sort out some transport?
-[Mungus] Yeah, course you can.

Come on inside.



That's two massive idiot things.

-Everything always goes wrong.
-Thanks. No. [laughs]

I've no idea what the fuck I'm saying,
but we can A.D.R. it later.


You guys should come... Sorry.


I just saw your hand go back.

Oh, nice. It's just there's a...
you know, like... [babbling]


Have you ever met John Travolta?


-Do you think they've gone?
-We should give it a bit longer,

-just in case.