A Countess from Hong Kong (1967) - full transcript

In Hong Kong, the wealthy Ogden Mears is traveling in a transatlantic, close to being assigned Saudi Arabian ambassador, and divorcing his wife Martha. He and his friend Harvey are invited by their old friend Clark to go to a nightclub with three aristocratic Russians on their last night. Ogden drinks too much and spends the night with Countess Natascha. The next morning, while sailing back home, Ogden finds Natascha hidden in his cabin wearing a ball gown and with no documents. The stowaway explains that she wants to go to the United States and Ogden is worried about his career. But Harvey convinces him to help Natascha. Ogden falls in love with Natascha, and he and Harvey plot a fake marriage between Natascha and his valet Hudson. Things get complicated when Immigration requests Natascha's documents and Martha arrives on board.

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(Chattering indistinctly)

(People chattering indistinctly)

What's the charge, sister?
Half a dollar a dance.

You mean them women
are countesses? Some are.

No kiddin'.
Give me five bucks' worth.

Thank you, sir.

Well, I got a ticket to dance
with a countess. Go to it, buddy.

Want to tell the folks back
home I'm movin' in high society.

Oh, pardon me. Can
I sit down? Please.

I've got a ticket to dance.

You a countess?



No kiddin'.

Tell me, how many countesses
are there around here?

Oh, quite a few.

(Orchestral music playing)

(Inaudible)

(Ship horn blowing)

Every statesman, every minister
and diplomat should dedicate himself

to the cause of world peace.
(Knocking rhythmically on door)

Ogden, it's Harvey! Oh, ogden,
are you still at that speech?

Now, here we are, China, Hong Kong,
and you're still trying to save the world.

Let's get out of here. See the
town. We're only staying 24 hours.

All right, Crawford. We'll
finish this after lunch.

Okay, sir.

Can ya believe it? Hong Kong. By
golly, I can see a chinaman out there.



I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Look at them. Packed
together like sardines.

That's what I dislike about
the poor. They have no taste.

They indulge in squalor. They pick
the worst neighborhoods to live in,

eat the worst kind of food
and dress atrociously.

That's the first time I've seen you
smile since we've been on this trip.

That wasn't a smile.
That was a gas pain.

(Ship horn blowing)
How do you feel, buddy?

Depressed.

You should be the
happiest man in the world.

In six weeks you'll be divorced

and possibly the next
secretary of state.

We'll wait and see.
Here's the day's paper.

"Ogden mears, multi-millionaire,

"son of the richest oilman
in the world

"will be the new
secretary of state."

Let me see that.

You didn't finish the sentence.

"According to the latest rumor."

"Son of the richest oilman in the
world." They won't let you forget it.

That's the burden
you must carry.

(Laughs) Harvey,
you're a corrupting influence.

Maybe, but I didn't
lead you into politics.

What else is there to do?
Murder, arson, rape.

There's plenty of other worthy
occupations. (Doorbell buzzing)

Crawford, sir.
Come in, Crawford.

Just came over the wire.

The president has appointed
Mr. Patrick dowling

secretary of state.
Dowling, huh?

Well, that's show business.

Who the devil is Patrick dowling?
Ogden: Secretary of state.

I'll check for more news.

Thank you, Crawford.

Well, Harvey,
I guess you're right.

I think I'll give up
trying to save the world.

Tonight we're gonna celebrate
Patrick dowling's appointment.

Excuse me, sir.
Mr. Clark has telephoned.

Mr. Clark? Where is he?

Up in the lounge, sir.
He says he's on his way down.

Well, show him here. Yes, sir.

Who's Clark? He's one
of father's senior directors.

A venerable old gentleman.

Listen, we don't want to
get stuck with that old boy

for the rest of the evening.

No, no, I'll get rid of him.

Remember you just
got over the flu.

Took a long sea voyage
to get away from it all.

We don't want to be
visiting parks and museums.

Mr. Clark, sir.

Ogden, my dear boy, I haven't seen
you since you were in swaddling clothes.

I must say you're the replica
of your father. (Chuckles)

Uh, Mr. Clark, may I present my
friend Harvey crothers, Mr. Clark?

How do you do?
I beg your pardon.

Well, sir.

Hudson tells me
you're under the weather

and here I am ready
to show you the town.

Unfortunately, this is my
first day up after the flu.

And I think perhaps I'd better
stay inside and just take things easy.

Of course, my dear boy.
I'll not disturb you.

But before I go, I'd like to introduce
some very dear friends of mine.

They're waiting in the
lounge. (Mouthing)

Well, certainly. Hudson, would
you show Mr. Clark's friends in?

Clark: They're alone in the
lounge. You can't miss them.

Hudson: Yes, sir.

Well, ogden. Too bad
you're not up to scratch.

I was looking foward to
showing you around Hong Kong.

Yes, well, I'm disappointed. I was
reading about it and it sounds fascinating.

The botanical gardens
and the museums...

Oh, dear, dear me,
dear me. (Laughs)

Botanical gardens? (Laughs) I
think we can do better than that.

(Orchestral music
playing on radio)

I guess I've been reading
the wrong book.

Ogden, these are my friends.

This is Mr. Ogden mears.

Mr. Harvey crothers.

Countess chiedoff.

Countess natascha alexandrov.

Baroness cavanotchy.

Hello, I'd like a drink.

No, no, baroness.
It's too early.

Excuse me. Uh...
What will you have, ladies?

Champagne. Champagne, champagne.

(Turns radio off)

No, no, don't turn it off.

Music complements the champagne.

(Orchestral music resumes)
Ladies, would you be seated?

Too bad you're just
getting over the flu, ogden.

I thought we might go on somewhere
this evening and take the ladies along.

But then the night air
might be dangerous for you.

Oh, I think if I wrap
up well it'll be all right.

(Chattering indistinctly)

Where are the girls?

I don't know. I think they went to
the ladies' room as soon as you left.

I must have inspired them
with the same idea.

Let me tell you about
these ladies. Harvey.

They are the daughters
of Russian aristocrats.

Their titles
are absolutely genuine.

Their parents escaped to Shanghai
during the Russian revolution.

Shanghai was a nasty place
in those days.

An international settlement
run by seven nations.

Because they had no country,
their life was worthless.

They could be robbed,
murdered. Nobody bothered.

Countess natascha,
the one sitting next to you

has had rather a sad life.

She was the mistress of a
gangster at the age of 14.

Ogden: How did the others
manage to live?

Many starved,
others committed suicide.

Some of the women
worked in dance halls.

The men had to compete
with the cheapest labor

because they couldn't
leave the country.

I think Harvey
is very good-looking.

A lot of good that'll do you.
He's penniless.

So what? Haven't you
any romance in your soul?

Money makes me romantic.

I thought Harvey
was the one with the dough.

You have poor instincts,
my dear.

It's the other one, ogden
mears, who has the money.

He's the son of the richest oilman in
the world and natascha's got him hooked.

Mr. Ogden? He's very attractive.

(Scoffs) Leave it to natascha.

She's like a divining stick
finding water.

Only in her case,
she's found oil.

Well, you can have
your big oilman.

He's here today
and gone tomorrow.

But I shall stick
to old papa Clark.

He took me away
from the dance halls.

(Orchestra playing)

Listen, Milton...
Pardon me, Mr. Milton Clark.

Would you like to dance?
(Chuckling)

Natascha.

You're very quiet this evening.

Am I? I'm sorry.

Don't apologize.
I like quiet people.

They're either clever orduw

I would say you're
one of the clever ones.

Thank you.
I'd better keep silent.

Well, whatever you do,
it's very attractive.

Would you like to dance? No, I'd
like to sit here and talk with you.

I regret I speak English so
badly. You speak it beautifully.

I understand
you were born in Shanghai.

Yes. But my parents
came from Russia.

And now they've moved
to Hong Kong?

My parents died in Shanghai
when I was 13.

Haven't you any brothers or
sisters? I was an only child.

Thirteen, a little young
to face the world.

We must all face it
sooner or later.

Some more sooner.

How did you come
to live in Hong Kong?

Well, there was another war,
another revolution. So here we are.

But let us talk of
something more cheerful.

I'm sorry.

Would you like to dance?
I'd love to.

(Music continues)

(Knocking on door)

Congratulations,
your excellency.

You are now a plenipotentiary
extraordinary.

Harvey, will you ring
for the steward

and have him bring
some ice water?

Oh.

What's this pleni-pli-plen-what?

Oh, it just came over the
radio. You've been appointed

plenipotentiary extraordinary
to the court of Saudi Arabia.

I'll never get away
from the oil business.

You been sleeping
on that couch all night?

What's this? Telephone numbers.

Some of your first official
appointments, I guess.

And this?

Some roughneck guy got fresh with natascha
in the nightclub and you clipped him.

I clipped him?
A brawl in a nightclub?

Well, I'm off to a fine start
as ambassador.

Steward, sir.

Steward, would you bring me some
alka-seltzer and some ice water, please?

Yes, sir.

Who's natascha?

You don't know natascha?
You ought to.

You were pretty clubby
with her last night.

What do you mean "clubby"?
From the verb "club."

To form an association
united by a common interest.

That's enough. I don't want to
hear any more. Where are we?

Way out at sea.
When did we leave Hong Kong?

Two hours ago. (Bell ringing)

That's the first call
for lunch. Coming down?

No, I'm gonna take a bath
and get myself together.

I'll call ya later then. Yeah.

Uh, Hudson.

Just fixing your bath, sir.

What are you doing, Hudson?

Just making a note
of the telephone numbers.

Oh, don't bother with them.

Oh! I beg your pardon.

Did I startle you?

Who are you?

I'm natascha.

Oh, well, how do you do?

Are we alone?

I don't know. Maybe there's
somebody under the bed.

(Chuckles) I'm sorry.

Yes, well, what are you doing
in that closet?

Well, sir, if you'll allow
me, I'll explain everything.

Go ahead.

I don't know whether you remember
the baroness, the countess and me?

Yes. Well, get to the point.

After leaving the pantheon,
we finally finished up here.

And then?

Then you fell asleep,
so everyone left,

but I came back
to look for my handbag.

Enough of that. Why are you
hiding in that closet?

Well, let's face it.
I've stowed away.

You what? I'm going to america.

Are you crazy?

Please don't get excited.

If you let me stay until the
purser's checked all the passengers,

I'll leave your cabin and
will never bother you again.

And if anyone comes, I can hide
in the bathroom or in the closet.

(Doorbell buzzing)

Who is it?

Hudson, sir, with the menu. In case you
should want lunch before the kitchens close.

Thank you. Call later, Hudson.

You see how simple it is.

After the purser's
checked everyone,

no one will know whether
I'm a passenger or not.

Now look, the best thing
for you to do

is go straight to the captain
and tell him what happened.

You were visiting friends
and you were left aboard.

But isn't it awkward if he wants
to know where I slept all night?

Of course not! What do you mean?

Tell him the truth. There's nothing
to hide. (Doorbell buzzing)

Who is it?
Steward: Alka-seltzer, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Look, I must take my bath
and get dressed now.

Yes, of course.

Do you mind leaving?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I can
wait in the next room.

Just a minute. You
don't seem to understand.

You cannot wait in this suite.

I have friends coming.

But where can I go?
That's your problem.

Please let me stay until the
purser's checked everyone.

No, no. I promise. After tonight,
you'll never see me again.

You'll have to leave these
premises immediately.

I can't leave dressed like
this in the middle of the day.

However, you can't
stay here. I must!

Well, if you insist, I shall
have to ring for the purser.

If you do, I'll scream,

I'll tear my clothes and
swear you tried to attack me.

This is blackmail.
Yes, blackmail.

Oh, no, no, I didn't mean it.

That was a stupid thing to say.

Certainly was.

Of course it isn't blackmail.
I don't want your money.

I want to get away
from Hong Kong.

I tried to tell you that
last night but you...

You've told me enough. (Burping)
You wouldn't let me explain.

I'm gonna give you
one more chance.

Are you going
to leave this cabin?

No. And if you ring
the bell, I'll scream.

We'll see about that. Please,
please, I never meant it.

Stand away from
that bell. No, I won't.

Then I'll ring from the
next room. (Burps) Oh!

Please, please, I beg you!

Now go ahead and scream.

Where is that steward?

Steward, would you please
send for the purser?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Don't bother. I'll go.

Well, I'm sorry, but if I
succumb to sympathy

I'd have the whole world
on my neck.

Now, if it's just a question
of paying your fare

to wherever you
want to go, I'll do that.

But you have to get off
at the next stop.

It's no use. That's
Japan. They'll arrest me.

Why?

I haven't a passport.

You haven't a passport?

Well, how do you expect
to land in the United States?

I'll get in some way.

My dear young lady,
you haven't a chance.

Now the best thing for you
to do is return to Hong Kong.

Never.

I'll talk to the purser and
see if we can get you a cabin.

(Doorbell buzzing) Who is it?

The purser, your excellency. Oh.

Here, in... oh, yeah.

Good afternoon, your excellency.

Good afternoon, purser. I'd like to
know if you have an extra berth or a cabin.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We haven't a
thing. We're completely full up.

There might be something
at Kobe, but I doubt it.

When do we get to Kobe?

Tomorrow morning at
11:00, sir. Thank you.

Is there anything else I
can do for your excellency?

No, not a thing. Thank you.

Well, they're full up.

Fuhup? Yeah.

Oh, well, we'll manage somehow.

Will we? Where do you think
you're gonna sleep tonight?

As soon as it's dark, I can
sleep in one of the lifeboats.

Whatever made you think
you could get away with this?

I didn't think. It was an
impulse. A chance to escape.

Escape? Escape from what?

Have you committed a crime?

Of course not. Escape from
despair, hopelessness, no future.

Nothing to look foward to but
dance halls and prostitution.

But I am determined
not to slowly die and rot.

Well, that's no excuse
for your actions.

There's no excuse for
many things in this world.

Oh, well, you're getting
off at Kobe, the next stop.

Then I can stay?
Stay? I can't get rid of you.

Now do you mind going in the
other room while I take a bath?

Not at all, your excellency.

And if anyone knocks, don't
answer. No, your excellency.

And lay off the
"excellency." Yes, sir.

What are you going
to do about food?

It's no hardship to miss
a meal occasionally.

You want me to break
down and weep? No, but...

Well, then, Mark down what you
want on the menu while I lock the door.

Now, when you hear a knock
like this, you'll know it's me.

(Knocking seven times in rhythm)

(Knocking repeated outside)

Crawford: It's Crawford.

Come in, Crawford.

Harvey says not to wait
for him for lunch.

He's not feeling too well. I
think he's got an upset stomach.

I've got a little
upset stomach myself.

Excuse me, sir. The kitchens
will be closed in 10 minutes.

Oh, well, here it is.

"Chicken a la king, potato
au gratin, string beans,

"cauliflower, a glass of
milk and caramel ice cream

"with hot chocolate sauce," sir?

That's about it.

That's not bad
for an upset stomach.

(Knocking five times
in rhythm) Ogden.

(Clears throat)

(Fingers tapping)

(Tapping continues)

(Tapping continues)

(Tapping continues)

(Tapping stops)

(Book thuds)

Oh, excuse me.

(Yawns)

Why don't you go to bed?

Well, I thought
I'd wait for you.

Oh, that is, I... I don't
know where to go.

You'd better run along
to your lifeboat.

(Chuckling)
It's no laughing matter.

However, you can sleep
in the next room.

Where are you going to
sleep? That's my business.

There's another bed
in the other room,

if you'd care to sleep there.

Thank you.
I'm sleeping on the sofa.

(Orchestral music
playing on radio)

I suppose you have
nothing to sleep in.

Oh, don't bother.

Here, you can use
these and this. Thank you.

I'm sorry I don't have
any hairpins or toothbrush.

I feel terrible putting you
to all this trouble.

Hmm. You can write me to that
effect when you're off this boat.

Come in.

Ogden, you mustn't.

(Radio volume increases)

(Radio volume decreases)

Please don't turn the radio
down. Keep it up. Keep it up.

Sorry.

(Radio volume increases)

Get up out of there.

Oh, I wish
you'd let me sleep here.

I feel I'm robbing you
of your bed.

You're robbing me of my sleep.

Look. I'm very comfortable here.

(Doorbell buzzes) Ooh! Ah!

Crawford: Mr. Ogden,
are you asleep?

Yes. What is it?

It's Crawford. Harvey's been in
bed all day with an upset stomach.

Can you give him something?
Just a minute.

Tell him to take this. He'll
feel 100% in the morning.

Thanks.

Good night, Crawford.
Good night, boss.

Now, you get in the
other room and stay there.

Be careful. These
pajamas are transparent.

So are you.

(Sighs) Good night.

Come in.

I believe this is yours.

Good night. Good night.

Up, come on, get up. We're
gonna be in Kobe in 15 minutes.

(Orchestral music plays
on radio) Yes, sir, I'll tidy up first.

(Radio volume decreases)
(Water running)

(Radio volume increases)

Now, what are you going
to have for breakfast?

Oh, anything, sir.

Two boiled eggs, four minutes,

a little bacon,
toast and coffee.

Eggs, bacon, toast and coffee.

Oh, and hot milk to go
with the coffee. Hot milk.

Oh, yes, and marmalade.
And marmalade.

Boiled eggs.
I suppose they're fresh?

I don't know about the eggs.

(Doorbell buzzes)

(Door slams)

Who is it? Steward, sir.

Good morning,
sir. Breakfast? Yes.

"Two eggs, bacon, toast and
coffee, hot milk, marmalade."

(Pipes squeaking) That all, sir?

Yes, and would you serve it
in the next room, please?

Very good, sir.

What were you doing?

The bath was overflowing.
So I turned the taps off.

(Doorbell buzzes) (Gasps)

Good morning, boss. I just came
down to tell you a batch of reporters

got on with the pilot and they're
waiting now to interview you.

Morning, ogden. I just
came down to tell you

a batch of reporters
got on with the pilot.

They're waiting
to interview you.

I can't see anybody
before breakfast.

Say about 11:00? Look,
they're up in the lounge.

And I can probably keep them
busy for a while,

but I think it might be a
good idea to bring them

down here and give them
a little drink and a sandwich

just to sweeten them up.

All right, you fix that up.

Harvey, I'll see you after
breakfast. I have to collect myself.

Oh, how do you feel?

Oh, great. You know,
the stuff you gave me

fixed me up fine. Good.
I'll see you after breakfast.

(Stammering)
Right after breakfast.

(Exhales)

What... what do
you want, Hudson?

To prepare your bath, sir.
I've had my bath.

Just a moment.

May I have the key,
if you don't mind?

It's ogden. I beg your
pardon, your excellency.

(Doorbell buzzes)

Is that all, sir?
Yes, that's all.

Thank you, sir.

It's ogden. Hurry up.

This door is broken. I know.

Hurry up and eat your
breakfast. Yes, your excellency.

Oh! Like a silver garden.

(Softly) How lovely.

Hurry up and eat! Oh! Yes, sir.

I ordered boiled eggs and they've
scrambled them, but it doesn't matter.

Will you please hurry up? We're gonna
be in Kobe in just a few minutes now.

I'm doing my best, sir.

You should have been up
and dressed an hour ago.

But I haven't got
any clothes to wear.

What? You...
You have a dress in there!

That's for the evening.

I can't appear at 11.00 in the
morning in an evening dress.

Well, you should have
thought about that before.

Now, wait a minute.

There's a dress shop at the top
of the stairs. Ladies' dress shop.

What are your measurements? Hmm?

How tall are you?

What about around here?
(Chuckles)

Never mind that.
What about here?

Modesty forbids. Oh!

Now, listen. Remember
when I leave, lock both doors.

(People talking indistinctly)

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

I'd like to have a lady's suit
for someone about 5'7".

I'm afraid
we've nothing in stock.

Well, what's all this?
Samples, sir.

Our main stores are in
London and New York.

Oh, I'll take anything you have.

A complete lady's outfit
will be fine.

Yes, sir.

(Ship horn blows)

(Knocking five times
in rhythm) Ogden!

Here. Here's some clothes.

Now, hurry up and get dressed. The
press is going to be here in five minutes.

Yes, sir. (Exhales)

Aren't you ready yet? I'm
trying to get ready, sir, but...

You are not trying to get ready.

I've had just about
enough of this.

I'm not gonna stand... I gave
you my measurements, but...

Listen, I'm not interested in the
problem of your measurements.

I'm interested in you getting...
What is this for anyway?

Out this door right now.

If you're not off this
boat in two minutes...

(Doorbell buzzes)

Who is it? Steward, sir.

Yes, sir?
Clear these things away.

Yes, sir.

(Sighs)

Aren't you ready yet?
But it's all too big!

Haven't they got
something smaller?

That's the smallest they have.

What am I to do? "Do"? Get
dressed and get off the boat!

This is absurd.
I can't go ashore like this.

I'd be arrested. They don't fit.

Then you'll go as you are.

In your pajamas?

Take off those pajamas.
Would that look nice?

Take off those pajamas
or I'll tear them off.

(Gasps) Oh! You heard
what I said. Take 'em off.

Oh, please, my nerves.

Take them off.
Oh, this is silly.

You'll see how
silly this is. Oh!

Ahhh!

Take 'em off.

Oh, please. Do you want me
to call the captain?

Oh, but this is absurd,
really. What are we doing?

Ooh! Ooh! Oh, dear! Ooh.

You'll get off this boat if I...

(Doorbell buzzes) Who is it?

It's Crawford, sir.

Come in, ladies and
gentlemen. Please be seated.

How do you do? Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I
introduce his excellency, ogden mears?

Woman: How do you do?
Good morning.

How many
in your party, Mr. Mears?

There are three of us, Mr. Crothers,
Mr. Crawford and myself.

Mr. Mears, I understand you've been
made ambassador to Saudi Arabia.

Yes, that's right.

Are you going
directly there now?

No, I'll go to Washington
for the usual formalities.

Woman: Is your wife
going with you? I hope so.

Man: Mr. Ambassador, what
is your solution for peace?

The solution for peace
lies in man himself.

In this atomic age (cork pops)

And the power
of military might...

Wait, I'll get you a towel.

Liberty, freedom and justice

are generalities that have been

quoted as an excuse
for aggression.

Natascha: Ah! Ogden:
Nature has given us the, uh,

technological ability to

military might, but is built
on the foundation of peace

and goodwill to all men.

And in this atomic age,

only the morality of man
can help him to survive.

The solution for peace
is in truth

and tolerance and understanding.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Crawford: That will be all,
ladies and gentlemen.

Steward: Refreshments
over here, please.

Ogden, I've got to talk to you.

Not now, old man. But, ogden!

I'm sorry. I need rest.
I'm going back to bed.

Are you kidding?

A dame in your bathroom.
I went to get a towel.

I'll talk to you about that
later on the promenade deck.

She says she's a stowaway
and she's going to america.

How did she get
into your pajamas?

Hmm... like a fool, I loaned her
a pair of my pajamas to sleep in.

(Bell dinging)

Well, you'll have
to pay her off.

I offered to pay her expenses back
to Hong Kong, but she won't take it.

That's peanuts.
She's out for big dough.

Why don't you get off the
boat and leave her flat?

(Ship horn blows)

Too late.

Now listen, I've gotta do
something. I just can't leave her

downstairs in that cabin
with my pajamas.

I mean, it puts me in a terrible
spot. What am I gonna do?

All right. Let's go to lunch and
aftennards you let me talk to her.

(Key rattling)

(Knocking five times
in rhythm) Mr. Mears.

Oh! That's all right.
This is Mr. Crothers.

You met him this morning
in the bathroom, I believe.

How do you do? Well, I see
you've been playing chess.

Alone? Yes.

I took the Liberty of putting on
another pair of your pajamas

after the other one
had been ripped off.

Where's the torn one?

Oh, I hid it. I didn't think
you wanted anyone to see it.

(Yells) You think I
give a damn who sees it?

You spoiled my move.

Now, now, ogden. Let's settle
this thing without any bitterness.

Natascha,

I understand you want
to go to america.

Yes. Good.

Now, ogden tells me that you
have neither a passport nor a visa.

I don't need them.

What makes you think
you don't need them?

Because I haven't
got them. Fair enough.

You see, she's insane.
Because I haven't a passport?

What's this use
of arguing with her?

Natascha, don't you realize
that you'll be caught?

I have no intention
of being caught.

But you have to pass
the immigration officers.

So what? (Doorbell buzzes)

Who is it? Chief steward, sir.

Excuse me. Do you mind
closing all your portholes, sir?

Yes, it seems to be
blowing up out there.

Just a little sloppy. Nothing
serious. (Chuckles) Yes.

All clear.

What are you hiding for?
Me? I don't know.

However, let's get down
to business.

Natascha,

I like you.

And I think I'm a good
judge of character.

You mustn't mind ogden. He's
a little abrupt, but he means well.

Well, you mean well,

but he hasn't approached
you in the right way.

I'm sure you don't
want to ruin his career.

All I want is to get to america.

Well, that can be arranged,

if you'll get off at Tokyo
and take another boat.

If you get off at Tokyo,
I'll give you $25,000.

You don't seem to understand.
I don't want money.

This is a trick and you're
not getting away with it.

Natascha, how much do you want?

I don't want money.

And I don't want this.

We'll give you $50,000.
Oh, there's no use in arguing.

Best thing to do is go to the
captain and tell him the whole story.

Then I'll tell him my side. How you
kidnapped me, locked me in your cabin,

and after attacking me,
tried to get rid of me.

Do you think I give a hoot
for your threats?

(Groans)

Now, wait a minute.

This is getting us nowhere.

Ogden,

you can catch
more flies with honey

than you can with...

With what?

Harvey: Well, I'd say
mustard or vinegar.

Mustard and vinegar?

What's that got to do with it?

Well, you can get more
with honey. Honey, huh.

Now, listen, natascha. If
ogden goes to the captain,

he'll believe him before he'll
believe you, and you'll be sent to jail.

If you'll get off the boat at Tokyo
without a scandal, we'll give you $75,000.

I don't want money. (Hiccups)

Ogden, you're dealing
with an odd character.

This is a hold-up. I'm going
straight to the captain.

Don't do anything rash, ogden.

Ogden?

Ogden, before you do
anything... (Ogden groans)

(Wind howling)

Ogden: Out!

What do you think you're doing?

Oh.

Harvey, ring for some ice water.

You leave this cabin
immediately.

Well, good morning, ogden.
Hello, harv.

How do you feel? Wonderful.

Good.

Say, you had quite
a siege of it.

You know, for a while there,
I thought it was serious.

Well, it was a touch
of the old malaria.

I get it every once in a while.

But now I feel great. Good.

Say, uh, how's the
situation down below?

I don't know what to think.

You know, she stayed up two days
and nights dosing me with quinine

and taking my temperature.

She even wanted to send
for the ship's doctor

when she thought
it was getting serious.

Of course I stopped her.

Well, in three days
we arrive in Honolulu,

then she says she'll disappear.

I'll miss her.

So will I.

I'll miss the tension,
the excitement of it all.

(Music playing)

(People chattering indistinctly)

We were wondering
what had become of you.

Well, I... I hope you
haven't been seasick.

Actually, it was quite something
else. Everybody's been seasick.

At least it'll give them
something to talk about at dinner.

How sick they were,
what they ate.

Daddy says it's surprising
what people will talk about

to make themselves interesting.

(Samba music playing)

I can't do that.
Oh, yes, you can.

I'll show you.

There. Isn't it wonderful?

I think dancing
stimulates conversation.

Wasn't it Aristotle
who used to walk and lecture

around the lyceum
and talk of the soul?

Though daddy says he never
had a clear idea of what the soul is.

But daddy has.

He says the soul is desire.

And that the whole of life is
desire. (Voice vibrates)

I think it's a wonderful idea.

Well, if you can't shimmy,
we'll just dance ordinary.

Do you believe in the
immortality of the soul?

Well... daddy does. He
believes that when we die,

our souls go on until they're
reborn again through love.

Love? You don't believe in love?

Well, I... daddy does.

He loves everybody, except
the communists. (Laughs)

You're in the diplomatic
service, aren't you? Yes.

How boring it must be to
be diplomatic to everyone.

But you're ambassador
to Arabia, aren't you?

Yes, I...
Have you been there before?

Oh, yes.

Do tell me about it.
I adore arabs.

Well, the arabs
are very inter...

Quite a crowd tonight.

You'd never suspect that
most of them have been seasick.

One passenger has been confined to
her cabin ever since we left Hong Kong.

Her empty chair is next
to mine in the dining room.

I'm so intrigued to see
what she looks like.

(Knocking five times
in rhythm) It's Harvey!

Peek-a-boo.

Well, I... I see
you're enjoying yourself.

I just thought I'd come down to see
that you weren't getting into any mischief.

Mischief? Well, it's
a difficult situation.

(Sighs) I'll be glad
when it's over.

You really think you'll be
able to land in the states?

Oh, yes.

I sincerely wish you
all the luck in the world.

And I know ogden does.

Ogden?

Oh, yes, he...
He speaks very well of you.

That's surprising.

Well, it's all difficult.

These close quarters. He's very
suspicious. You're very attractive.

That's what
he's fighting against.

He seems to have won.

Unfortunately, it started
out the wrong way.

But he'll miss you. Hmm.

Oh, yes. He said so himself.

He'll be only too glad
to get rid of me.

Mmm... I don't know.

What's he doing upstairs?
Dancing with some young blonde.

Is she pretty?
Well, she's young.

Hey, what are you doing? You
put the five in the wrong place.

(Door unlocking)

Oh. Electrician, sir,

to fix the lights in the sitting
room and the bedroom.

Could you come back in
half an hour? Very well, sir.

It's the electrician to fix the
lights here and in the bedroom.

They've been here every 10
minutes, rapping on the door.

Now they have a passkey.
Idonthke that passkey business.

I think you'd be safer
upstairs dancing.

Ogden would be furious.

Oh, no. Not when I tell him about
the electrician with the passkey.

Well, if I'm caught, it's better
to be upstairs than down here.

Ah. Now that's the spirit! Listen, if
you stay down here, you'll go stir crazy.

(Orchestra playing waltz music)

You stay here. I'll find
ogden. Don't leave me alone!

No, no, no.
I'll only be a minute.

Excuse me. May I have the
pleasure of this dance? (Gasps)

Harvey! Harvey!

No, no. It's all right.
Go ahead.

How do you do? Thank
you. I'll meet you back here.

(Talking indistinctly)

Why aren't you dancing, captain?

I was just about to ask this
very attractive young lady.

You better be nice to him. We're
all under his control, you know.

I've been wondering about
the immortality of the soul.

Bandleader:
Change your partners.

Change your partners.

I don't think I've seen you
throughout the voyage.

But of course, you're the lady
who's been confined to her cabin.

Yes, yes.

It's a pity you're such
a poor sailor.

However, that's our misfortune.

Change your partners.
Thank you so much.

Why did you leave the room?

The electricians wanted to fix
the lights. They have a passkey.

You mean they saw you?
Of course not.

Harvey answered the door.
What was he doing in there?

I'm lucky he was there. Otherwise,
they would have seen me.

What were you and the
captain talking about?

He asked me
if I was enjoying the trip.

What did you tell him?
I said every moment of it.

Change your partners.

Natascha! What are you doing
away from Hong Kong?

I'm going to San Francisco.
Alone?

I'm looking for a job.

You don't have to look
far, honey. I'll give you a job.

Oh, no. I'm not looking
for that kind of work.

(Chuckung)

Where have you been? I haven't
seen you around the whole trip.

I've been confined to my cabin.

What, have you been
hiding from someone?

Mmm... I've been very, very
sick. Where is your cabin?

None of your business. All
right, I'll find out from the purser.

(Trumpet playing)

Let's go to the bar
and have a drink.

Oh, no, I'm very tired.
I'm going to bed.

Then I'll go with you.
Oh, no, you won't.

Then have a drink. No, I'm
going straight to my cabin.

Listen, you can't
get rid of me that easy.

I'm either going to your cabin

or we're going to have a drink.

I'll have a drink.

I told her to meet me
here. Where are they?

Oh, there they are at the bar.

I wonder what they're talking
about. Let's go and listen.

(Coughing)

Yes, sir. A Martini.

And you? Been

hey, come on now, honey,
where is your cabin?

Wouldn't you like to know? Oh,
come clean, honey. Don't play the virgin.

Virgin? What's that?

I see I'll have to teach
you the facts of life.

Now listen, honey, I...

Still playing hard to get,
eh? No, hard to please.

What's wrong with me? Have
I got leprosy or something?

Yes.

Whether I have or not,
I'm going with you.

They must be
in the other corridor.

I'll go round,
meet them face on.

Okay.

Oh, natascha, come on.
Really, I must say good night.

Why the anticlimax? Hey,
hello, chum! How've you been?

Say, how's the wife?
Who are you?

Are you kidding? I'm the brother of
that guy who sold you the used Pontiac.

Come on now. Let's have
a drink. I don't know you.

Of course you do. You've
been talking to my sister all night.

That's not your sister.
It's not my uncle.

(Knocking seven
times in rhythm) Ogden.

I hope you enjoyed yourself, letting
everybody know you were here.

Flaunting and parading
around this ship.

What are you trying to do?
Ruin my career, destroy me?

You know, I was beginning
to believe in you, to trust you.

I thought there was something
decent, something worthwhile.

But you're just a common harlot.

Dragging me into
your sordid intrigues.

Leering into the face of that
stupid paramour of yours.

Why don't you go and hide
in his cabin?

Why don't you torment him?

I won't torment you anylongen

it has not been cheerful
for me either

having to endure
your contempt every day.

I thought I could take it,
but I can't.

You win.

(Groans) No. No, I won't.

You're crazy.

Maybe.

Where are you going? To
the purser and give myself up.

Oh, don't worry. I'll keep your
spotless reputation out of it.

I'll tell him I've been
hiding in second class.

Why this sudden change
of attitude?

Why yours? You know why.

Good morning, purser. Could you tell
me the cabin number of Ms. Natascha...

I don't know her other name,
but I know her quite well.

Perhaps you mean
Ms. Gaulswallow. Who?

Gaulswallow.

Uh, yeah, I guess so. I don't
think she wants to be disturbed.

Okay, but I'd like to
send her some flowers.

(Sniffing)

Flowers for Ms. Gaulswallow.

Oh, dear, dear.
I don't know him.

Oh, take them away.
They take up all the oxygen.

They take up all the oxygen.

Anna pooh, my old friend.

Oh, that red tongue!

Nurse!

Oh, take my Russian friend away.

He's too big

and I don't like his red tongue.

Oh, oh, more colors.

Oh, not that.
No more of that. No.

Idonthke the green
either. Put that right away.

Ooh! How awful.

In the drawer, please.

Give me the chocolates.

The captain, madam.

Well, I... I...

Captain! Oh, how nice of you.

Chocolates.

Oh, how perfectly charming.

(Sighs) Nurse, will you
put these by the porthole?

Just the sort of thing
my nephews will enjoy.

Nurse! My thermometer.

Give it to me.
I'll shake the thing myself.

(Knocking on door)
(Muttering indistinctly)

Nurse, where's my thermometer?

I've lost my thermometer.
Or did I swallow it?

Ms. Gaulswallow: Come in!

What was that? Something
flew in and then flew out.

Must have been a bat. (Laughing)

The man that looked after you since
you were 14, was he a white Russian?

Yes.

Was he married?

Yes. Separated from his wife.

He was a desperate man.

They say he was a gangster,
but he was very kind to me.

God knows what I would
have done without him.

Did you love him?

I was too young.

How old was he?

Sixty-three when he died.

What's the matter?

Me? Nothing.

Are you sure? Of course.

At 10:00, I have to look for
Crawford and send some cablegrams.

You look worried.

(Sighs) I'm just wondering how
you're going to land in the states.

Please don't worry about it.

You have to be realistic. In two
days, you're going to be in Hawaii.

Yes, I'm getting off there. It will be
easier getting into the states that way.

Suppose you get into trouble.
Whatever happens, you won't be involved.

You have to be realistic, face
facts. What are your plans?

I can supply you with money, but
suppose you do get into trouble?

I'd like to be of some help.
Please don't feel obligated.

The moment we arrive in
Honolulu, I shall have vanished.

You're so remote, so alone.

That's what saddens me.

Don't be sad. That's too easy.

Be like me.

At this moment, I'm very happy.

This moment.

That's all we can ask for.

This moment.

(Chuckles)
There'll be many moments.

I wonder.

Of course.

Our lives are so different,
so far apart.

No need to be,
if we're discreet.

I hate to leave, but it's 10:00

and I have to send
those cablegrams.

Oh. Don't worry.

I want to help, and I can.

But I must know your plans.

And meanwhile, don't vanish.
We still have two more days.

I won't.

(Knocking on door) It's Harvey.

(Laughs) Good morning.

I just met your boyfriend
who pursued you last night.

He's still roaming
all around the boat,

looking for your room number.

Am I intruding? (Sniffles)

Two more days.

Yep. I could see it coming.

Both of you falling in love.

I don't know about ogden,

but this is
a new experience for me.

Well, it happens in the best
of regulated families.

I don't want to fall in love.

I think he's very fond of you.

However, if you ever
got into trouble,

his friendship
could be very useful.

Oh, it's all so hopeless.

I don't agree.

Well, in two days,
it will be over.

You're leaving at Honolulu? Yes.

Have you thought about
what you're going to do?

I have a plan.

Well, it better be a good one.

Harvey?

If I tell you, promise me
you won't tell ogden.

Why? He's very
conservative. He might object.

What are you going to do?
Dive off the boat.

Oh, honey, where did you get
that idea? You'll break your neck!

Oh, no, no. In Hawaii, they come
around in little boats and dive for money.

Some climb aboard and
dive off the boat. I can do that.

(On radio) J“ why
do stars shine so bright

j“ why does the nightingale
sing at night

j“ because they believe
in love j“

(music fades away)

(Music starts loudly)

J“ why should I look and sigh

how fortunate that
my chair's next to yours.

J“ I believe in love j“

here, I'll turn this off.

Now we can talk.

But I'm interrupting your
reading. How inconsiderate of me.

Nothing's more annoying than to
have someone interrupt your reading.

Daddy says it's a lack of
consideration for other people.

Where's your friend,
the ambassador?

He seems to have erased himself
completely during the voyage.

Daddy says that people who erase
themselves usually have a profound shyness

which really means that they're
afraid of exposing themselves.

Hmm.

Oh, the silence is frightening.

Would you like some more music?

Radio announcer: Mrs. Martha
mears, wife of ambassador ogden mears

will await her husband's
arrival in Honolulu this evening.

Rumors have been rife that
the ambassador and his wife

are getting a divorce.

Nevertheless, Mrs. Ogden mears says she
will accompany her husband to Washington.

He's getting a divorce!
Excuse me.

Your wife's waiting for you in
Honolulu. It just came over the radio.

I know. I just got a telegram.

She's coming aboard this evening

and she's not getting a divorce.

What about natascha?

Oh, that's the problem.

You've got to think fast.
We arrive at 9:30.

You've got to get her out of your
cabin! Oh, where's she gonna go?

Well, she can sleep
in my cabin. That's out.

(Ship horn blowing)

You didn't let me finish.

I could double in
with Crawford or Hudson.

Crawford and Hudson are
staying with two other fellows.

You can't let her stay where
she is. Well, obviously not.

I've got it. You can say
she's married to Hudson.

Hudson?

Say, that's an idea. You know, if
she was married to an American citizen

she could get into the
states without any trouble.

You wish to see me, sir?
Yes, Hudson. Sit down.

Thank you, sir.

Would you like a drink?
Uh, no, thank you, sir.

Uh, Hudson, you are an
American citizen, aren't you?

I've been an American
citizen for the past 16 years, sir.

Good. I want you to
do me a favor. Yes, sir.

You remember that extremely attractive
lady that I was dancing with last night?

I do, sir.

Well, I want you to marry her.

Marry who, sir?
The lady I just mentioned.

It'll only be a temporary affair

and then aftennards,
you can get a divorce.

If I may say so, sir,
this is rather sudden.

I think I will take
a Brandy after all, sir.

I agree it's somewhat
extemporaneous,

but it's a matter of urgency.

You see, if the lady is
married to an American citizen

she'll have little trouble
getting into the United States.

And when does
all this happen, sir?

Oh, in about 10 minutes.

I still have to speak to the lady,
of course. She doesn't know yet?

Oh, no, not yet. But, uh, don't
worry. We're arranging that.

I think you should
be married before lunch.

Uh, you will have a Brandy?

Make it a double,
if you please, sir.

Double Brandy, please.
I'll have the same.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

If I might ask a rather
connubial question, sir,

what happens this evening,
that is, tonight?

After the marriage.

Oh, nothing that
concerns you, Hudson.

You'll be sleeping
in the same room,

but in different beds,
of course.

I think you should be
getting yourself ready.

Uh, I think you can wear an
ordinary lounge suit for the wedding.

Yes, sir. Fine.

And, uh, while you're getting
dressed, I'll talk to the lady.

Thank you.

(Knocking seven times in rhythm)

What's this I hear?
I'm to marry Hudson?

Well, it's an emergency.
Yes, but Hudson!

Well, I think it'll solve
all our problems.

You'll be married
to an American citizen.

You'll have little or no
trouble getting into the states

and, uh, aftennards
you can get a divorce.

But I've got nothing to wear. I mean,
I can't get married in your pajamas.

(Knocking on door) Harvey!

Well, it's all arranged. Captain'll
be down in a couple minutes.

What did you tell him?

I gave him a line about how
her papers blew overboard.

She met Hudson, they fell in
love. Well, the captain's on.

He pretty well understands the
situation, but it's gonna cost you dough.

Well, how's the happy bride?

Oh, I wish I were back
in Hong Kong.

(Doorbell buzzing)

That's the captain.

How do you do, sir?
How do you do?

Captain, you understand this
is to be kept strictly confidential.

I quite understand, Mr. Mears.

Mr. Harvey
has explained everything.

Good. And I assure you it
will be deeply appreciated.

We're only too pleased
to help out in such matters.

(Doorbell buzzing)

Who is it? Hudson, sir.

Hudson, you're late.
I'm sorry, sir.

Captain, I'd like to present
Hudson, the, uh, bridegroom.

How do you do? Now,
uh, where's the bride?

Oh, I believe
she's still dressing.

Are you ready?

Oh, the captain. It's all
too big. Nothing fits! Look!

You're losing weight.
You've been dieting too much.

Well, let's get on with it.

Countess, bridegroom.

Mr. Harvey, you're the best
man. Mr. Ogden, the witness.

We'll fill out the forms later.

Now then, um...

Do you, uh, Henry
lewisham Arthur Hudson

take this woman to be
your lawful wedded wife

till death do you part?

Oh! Oh!

Ogden: Well,
he's just over-excited.

Water!

Hudson, whatever made you faint?

I'm sorry, sir. I suppose it was the
excitement of those drastic words.

Drastic?
"Till death do us part."

That's no reflection on you,
madam, of course.

Now what's going to happen?

Well, that's what
I would like to know.

Nothing's going to happen.
You'll retire as usual.

Hudson will sleep
in the same room,

but in the other bed of course.

I hope so. The other bed.
The one near the door.

Just not to obfuscate matters.

Listen, this marriage
is just a formality.

The moment we get ashore,
I want a divorce.

Madam, whatever your desire is.

I am always at your service.
(Natascha scoffs)

Hudson, don't let the
champagne go to your head.

Better go to bed. Very well,
sir. Good night, Mr. Ogden.

Good night.
Good night, Mr. Harvey.

Madam, I presume
I'll see you later.

Ogden: Where are you going,
Hudson? There's the bedroom.

The whole thing
is an awful mess.

Well, this is Harvey's idea.

Why can't I sleep on the sofa?

Natascha, let's not go into all
that again. Where do you sleep?

I have to sit up and explain
the situation to Martha.

Well, why don't you have the captain
explain? (Car horn honking)

He's gone ashore.

If Martha finds you here without an
explanation, it's gonna create scandal.

I hate to interrupt. But I think
Martha just drove up in a Cadillac.

Natascha, please, please go
to bed! How can I with that man?

(Doorbell buzzing)
(Natascha gasps)

(Gasps)

There's no lock on this door.

That man is crazy. Oh,
natascha, please go to bed.

To think of having to do all
this to get a passport. Huh!

Ice water, sir. Oh.

I'll check to see if
Martha's arrived yet. Okay.

(Hudson gargling loudly)

Good night.

Oh!

In the excitement,
I forgot to brush my teeth.

(Brushing teeth)

(Hudson spits)

Boo!

Good night.

Ah!

(Door opens)

Hudson, find me some pajamas.

Oh, you've got mine on. Well,
find me something to sleep in.

Hasn't she arrived yet? No,
not yet. Expected momentarily.

I'm so nervous.
Natascha, don't worry.

Please, don't worry.

Everything will work out the
minute we can get you ashore.

Do you require a valise,
sir? Uh, no, I'll take them.

Thank you.

Now, trust me.

Good night, Hudson.
Good night, sir.

Harvey: Harvey.

I just heard from Martha. She won't
be coming aboard till 12:00 tomorrow.

(Clears throat)
Good night, harv.

Hudson... (Gasps)

In the other room. I'm
sleeping here tonight. Oh.

Yes, sir.

Good night, sir. Good night.

Oh! Oh.

May I come in? (Gasps)

Excuse me. My medicine.

(Doorbell buzzing)
Steward: Mr. Hudson?

(Grunts)

(Doorbell buzzing)
Mr. Hudson, your tea, sir.

Oh! Wait a moment! Oh!

Good morning, sir.
Congratulations.

Huh.

Good morning, madam. Your tea.

Mmm.

Would you like to order
breakfast, sir? Hmm?

Oh.

I think I'll have the oatmeal
porridge, the English pork sausages...

Oh, pardon me, madam. What
would you like for breakfast?

Eggs and bacon,
toast and coffee.

Eggs and bacon,
toast and coffee.

(Horns honking)

I hate to disturb you, Mr. Ogden,
but there's a little trouble

about Mrs. Hudson's papers
having been blown overboard.

They say the marriage
is not legal

unless she produces
her identification papers.

Well, what do they expect
the lady to do,

jump in the middle of the pacific
ocean and recover her papers?

They were blown overboard.

Unfortunately, there's a report

that a lady stowaway is aboard,

and of course they're
taking every precaution.

Well, what's a stowaway
got to do with it?

All that's involved here
is a marriage.

You were witness to that,
and you married them.

Nevertheless, they want
to see the lady's passport.

Passport? She doesn't need a
passport to go ashore in Honolulu.

She's married
to an American citizen.

Quite so. But if her papers
of identification are missing

then a marriage at sea
is not recognized.

She's an alien and will have to go
before an immigration board of inquiry.

(Doorbell buzzing)

The purser's asked
to see you, sir.

Yes, of course.
I'll see him right away.

If you'll excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's time for me to disappear.

Why? The captain married
you and that's a legal fact.

But the marriage has not yet
been consummated, sir.

Yet? (Scoffs)

Hudson, your mind is
running in another channel.

Now, the important thing
is the papers.

What are you gonna tell them
about the papers?

Mr. Ogden didn't tell me
anything about papers, sir.

Her identification papers, her
birth certificate, her passport!

We've been
all through that with you.

Now, what are you
gonna tell them?

Oh, that. I shall tell them
the truth, as you told me.

As I told you?

No, sir. As you told me
to tell it.

Look, I didn't tell you anything.
Now, you remember that.

Yes, sir. Now, go ahead.

Well, I can only tell them
how I met my first wife.

How you first met your wife. Oh!

Well, it was a breezy afternoon.

I was walking on the top deck,

and there she was, holding
down some papers in her lap,

it was love at first sight.

Ugh!

Hurry up and get to the
point, Hudson. Yes, sir.

Suddenly, there was a gust of
wind, and the papers blew overboard.

Hudson, you have
literary talent.

(Doorbell buzzing)

I think we better go,
Mr. Hudson.

The immigration officials
are waiting.

No, now wait just one moment.

I think I should go with Hudson.

An excellent idea, Mr. Mears.

Your presence
will be efficacious.

Would you like me
to go along, too?

No, no, I want you to stay
here and look after natascha.

Don't worry.

Mr. Mears, I think we better go.

Come along, Hudson.

(Door closes)

Harvey, you remember what
I told you about Honolulu?

You're not going to dive
off the boat? Now is the time.

While they're
questioning Hudson.

(Chattering indistinctly)

(Crowd gasping)

Hey, I'll see you
on the beach at waikiki.

Mmm-hmm.

If I'm far off, you'll jump up
and down, then I'll recognize you.

Mmm.

So if I make it,
I'll see you later.

Man: Hmm. Here's another
one. (Crowd murmuring)

If you make it?

Wait a minute!

What do you mean,
if you make it?

I'm scared. What?

And here goes.

(Crowd cheering)

(Applauding)

What's going on out there? That's
a Hawaiian diving off the boat.

Now, Mr. Hudson, we'd
like to see your wife.

I believe she's taking
a bath, sir.

Oh, my. How nice.

Maria? Oui?

(Speaking French)

(Speaking French)

(Both speaking French)

Ah, Martha! Hello, Harvey.

Oh, what comfortable
quarters you have. Oh, yes.

Lovely. Where's ogden?

Uh, he's up in the lounge
with Hudson.

Of course, you know,
Hudson's married now.

Hudson married?
Oh, really? That's odd.

Yes. Ah, well,
the captain married them.

Can I get you something?

No, it's much too early.
(Doorbell buzzing)

Captain, this is
Mrs. Ogden mears.

How do you do? Pardon me.
How do you do?

We're still waiting for Mrs.
Hudson. Oh, she's taking a bath.

Uh, she should be finished
by now. I'll go and see.

Well.

Can I get you something,
captain?

No, thanks. But if you
don't mind my waiting.

It's quite all right.

(Exhales)

Hello, Martha. Hello, ogden.

(Chuckles)

Well, you've met the captain.

Yes, of course. We're
looking for Mrs. Hudson.

You see, the immigration
officers are out in the lounge

and I don't like
to keep them waiting.

She's not in the bathroom.
I looked all over.

Well, it's very serious.

It means that without her
identification papers,

she can't land anywhere.

She doesn't exist.

Well, if she doesn't exist,
there's no problem.

Well, I think we should
look for her.

It might be a good idea

if you had another look
at the bathroom.

(Chuckles nervously)

Martha, would you
excuse us for a moment?

All right, captain.

Hey!

Waikiki? Driver:
Hop in the back, sister.

Thank you!

Whew! That's the strangest
thing I've ever known.

She's disappeared.

Well, I think we better
search the entire boat.

(Ship horn blowing)

Good morning, madam.

Congratulations, Hudson.
I hear you're married now.

Well, in a way, yes.

Hudson, what do you mean?

The marriage has not yet
been consummated.

What is she, an American?

No, madam,
she is from Hong Kong.

Chinese?
I shouldn't think so, madam,

I believe she is
a Russian emigre.

Well, I should like to meet her.

I'll do my best, madam.

(Chuckles) Well.

Well, Hudson, it seems as
though your wife has disappeared.

Oh, that's awful. Poor Hudson.

I was beginning to grow
very fond of her.

Hudson, what have you
done to the lady?

Oh, nothing, madam. The
marriage was never consummated.

Hudson, you've got
"consummated" on the brain.

Well, I think I'll go ashore
and do some shopping.

I think I'll go
with you, Harvey.

Oh, don't go yet, ogden.
I've just ordered some lunch,

and there's one or two things
I'd like to discuss with you.

Very well, I'll stay and
have something with you.

What has madam ordered?
A consummated soup, sir.

What's that?
(Stammering) Consomme, sir.

Cold chicken, asparagus
and a bottle of chablis.

All right, I'll have the
same. I'll see you both later.

At the waikiki hotel,

uh, you may go, Hudson.

Did you hear from Washington?

I, uh, got this letter
this morning.

Well, here's the substance of it

"to allay rumors of divorce,

"I think Martha and you should
return to the states together.

"I advise this because of my great
affection for you both." Etc, etc, etc.

So...

Well, if this arrangement
doesn't work out

how will it affect
my divorce settlement?

You can put that in escrow.

Unfortunately, ogden, the only interest
I have is money, having had no children.

Am I to blame for that? No.

No, neither one of us
is to blame.

The desire for happiness
fooled us both.

Happiness, eh?

I was going to say "love,"

but I don't think either one of
us knows what the word means.

Well, in any case, what are
you gonna do about Washington?

Well...

I don't look foward to spending
the rest of my life in Saudi Arabia.

Listen, she has long dark hair,

wears a sarong and looks
very much like a Hawaiian.

There's a lot of dames
look like that around here.

But she said she'd meet me
on the beach at waikiki.

(Chuckles) I think
she's kidding you. Maybe.

Where's the beach at waikiki?

Well, that's the waikiki hotel.

Can I check this suitcase,
please? Certainly, sir.

(Bell ringing) What name?

Uh, Harvey crothers.

Check Mr. Crothers' case
into the cloakroom.

Is the waikiki beach near here?

It's just outside, sir.

That's strange.

I can't stop! Oh.

Oh! All this jumping up and
down is like running 10 miles.

Harvey, it's so good
to see you again.

Let's sit down. (Panting)

(Both exhale)

I didn't think I'd see you again

after that dive. It was perfect.

What's happening on the boat?

Oh, they're still waiting
for you in the lounge.

And ogden? He's with his wife.

Yes.

On the way down,
I bought you some clothes.

Oh, I know the other ones
were too big.

These are smaller.

There's a place you can
change right next to the pool.

Meanwhile, I'll book you
a room at the hotel.

They might be looking for
Mrs. Hudson. Not a chance.

I'll book them under my name.

For the time being,
you're Mrs. Harvey crothers.

Remember me? Mr. Crothers.
Yes, sir.

I'd like an outside suite.
Certainly, sir. For yourself?

No, for my wife. I'm leaving
for the mainland. Very well, sir.

Do you wish
to see the rooms now?

Oh, no, I'll wait for my wife.

Fine. Well, here she...

Well! It doesn't
fit. This is too tight.

(Breathes heavily)

I can't breathe. (Coughs)

You dropped your change.

(Clears throat) Will you
sign the register, Mrs. Crothers?

C—r—o... t-h...

She's not here.

Let's have some tea. Yeah.

Ah, there he is.

Harvey, I'm so sorry I'm late.

I had to leave ogden with
the immigration authorities.

It seems they're still
looking for Hudson's wife.

Ah, yes. (Suitcases thud)

There she is.

Oh, Hudson, you haven't been
drinking before lunch, have you now?

The poor man is so distressed
since his wife went away.

Do you know that's the third
person he's mistaken for his wife?

(Chuckles) Oh...
I beg your pardon.

Martha, this is my wife,
Mrs. Crothers.

Mrs. Ogden mears. How do you do?

How do you do?

(Clears throat)

You know,
Harvey is so secretive.

He never told me a word
about his marriage.

Oh, well,
there's not much to tell.

We haven't been
married long, have we?

But as soon as something
develops, we'll let you know.

No, I mean, when did you marry?

(Laughs) That's the secret.

Well, however, you must bring your wife to
Arabia once we've refurbished the embassy,

but not before, othennise
you'll have to sleep

in a tent like the rest of us.

A tent? Well,
that's rather romantic.

Thatdepends with
whom you share it.

(Orchestra playing) Hmm.

Martha, would you
like to dance? I'd love it.

It'll give me a chance to give
some advice to the lovelorn.

This is the first chance I've
had to speak to you alone.

There's very little time,
and I've a lot to tell you.

Harvey will be staying behind, so
I'll be in touch with you through him.

He'll be working
on a passport for you.

Martha's coming with me.
That's...

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

I got a letter from
Washington saying that Martha

should go
with me to Saudi Arabia

for appearances' sake.
Of course.

Please try to understand.

Of course.

For appearances' sake.

For the esteem of people
I don't give a damn about.

If I had the guts, I'd rid
myself of the whole thing:

Washington, Saudi Arabia
and everything.

You can't do that.

Be careful, we're being watched.

The legal eye is upon us.

But you must believe me
when I tell you

that this is the first
real happiness I've known.

I love you very much.

Your wife looks sad.
You think so?

What nonsense.
She's not your wife.

Martha, now you're being silly.

Not as silly as you think.

I've been talking to someone
who knew her in Hong Kong.

The boat passes here at 11:00.

I'll be on deck imagining that
you're sitting here at this table.

Let's dance. I can't.

I must go to my room
before your wife returns.

I can't say goodbye.
I can't trust myself.

Will you excuse me?

Well, goodbye. Harvey
will take care of everything.

All right. Thank you.

What's happened
to Mrs. Crothers?

Oh, she had a splitting headache

and asked to be excused, Martha.

She won't be seeing
us off? I don't think so.

She's going straight
to her room to bed.

Well, can't we just go up
and see her for a moment?

Well, I think it'll be best
to let her rest quietly.

Pardon me, madam, but
it's time to leave for the boat.

Oh, so soon? Well...

Hudson, I will need
these three closets

and Mr. Ogden mears
can have the end one.

Very well, madam.

Your big trunks I'm
having put in the hold, sir,

so there'll be more room
for madam's wardrobe.

Okay, Hudson.

Voila.

Hudson, have you found
your wife yet? Not yet, madam.

Well, surely you're not
going to leave without her.

Whatever happens, madam,

I shall deport myself as a
husband and a gentleman.

Maria.

Merci.

Oh! What's this?

Hudson, does this belong
to your wife?

Ihavent
the faintest idea, madam.

We haven't been married
that long.

(Chuckles) Oh!

Perhaps you might know
something about this, your excellency.

It looks like a two-ring circus.

Ogden, you must be losing
your sense of propriety.

You not only humiliate me
in front of people,

but you insult my intelligence by introducing
that woman as Mrs. Harvey crothers,

and then again as Mrs. Hudson
when she's sleeping here in your cabin.

As ambassador to Saudi Arabia,

it is not exactly comme il faut

to include in your entourage
the mistress of a gangster.

A prostitute.

I wonder what your fate would have been
if you'd been in similar circumstances.

(Ship horn blowing)
(Chattering indistinctly)

(Band playing auld lang syne)

(Cheering)

Hello.

Hello, Harvey? Ogden.
Ogden, haven't you left yet?

No, I got off with the pilot
boat. Well, what happened?

I don't know.
I just couldn't take it.

Aren't you going to Washington?
What about your career?

I'd rather be happy than president.
Listen, where is everybody?

You know who, your wife. Pardon
me, sir. I think you mean my wife.

Hudson's giving me
an argument here.

Tell him she came down
to the cabaret after you left

and she's been sitting
by the window,

looking out at the sea
ever since.

Did you tell her the news?
Oh, yes.

I told her there was
nothing to worry about.

The immigration people have
given her the benefit of the doubt.

She's now Hudson's wife,
married to an American citizen.

Listen, don't tell her I'm
here. I want to surprise her.

Ogden!

Well, buddy, I hope
you're doing the right thing.

Where is she?

Right where you left her,
sitting by the window.

Good, listen, I'll see
you in the morning.

(Tango music playing)

Yes, sir?

I'm looking for a young lady.

I believe she's sitting
alone by the window.

Yes, sir.

(Inaudible)

Ogden!

See, you can't get rid of me.

May I have this dance?