A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (1989) - full transcript
The 12 years old Karen falls off her horse, and when she hits the ground, she's way back in the year 528, in England, near Camelot. She's immediately taken under arrest by Sir Lancelot: because of the dark color of her skin he's convinced she's a demon. But with some help of the 20th century's advanced technology she can safe herself from the stake and establish herself as great sorcerer. Only with her help, Arthur becomes as famous a king as we know him.
[instrumental music]
In astronomy,
an eclipse is said
to occur when one
celestial body enters
the influence of another body
or is temporarily hidden.
Now, watch closely while
I create a lunar eclipse.
See?
There.
Now how can we define it?
Gabby.
A lunar eclipse takes
place when the moon
enters the shadow of the earth.
TEACHER: Excellent, excellent.
Now, watch closely
as our moon comes
between the sun and the earth.
Now, what could this be?
Oh, oh, oh!
Karen.
A solar eclipse.
Precisely, Karen.
The moon obscures the sun
leaving the earth in darkness.
[bell rings]
Nobody moves.
Nobody move until you
copy down these dates.
Quiz on Monday.
[disappointed sighs]
Quiz on Monday.
First reported lunar
eclipse, Babylonia 721 BC.
First precisely predicted solar
eclipses in Europe on June
21, 528, a very happening year.
STUDENTS: [chuckles]
TEACHER: Get that?
STUDENTS: Yeah.
TEACHER: Good.
Who cares about dates?
The only date I'd be interested
in is with Tom Cruise.
Columbus got here.
That's all that matters.
Karen, Karen,
Karen, sweetheart.
Oh, there's my mom.
OK.
Call me if you can sleep over.
My brother's renting "Attack
of the Killer Tomatoes".
Sounds good to me.
OK.
Bye.
Hi.
So how was school
today, sweetheart?
OK.
Oh, that good, huh?
Now.
I've got a couple of houses
to show this afternoon.
I'm sorry, but you're going to
have to go with your sister.
Aw.
Why can't I stay at
home and wait for Dad?
Honey, I don't feel
comfortable leaving
you home alone, not just yet.
Besides, your father called.
He has to work late.
Mom, I'm 12 years old.
I've had six months of karate.
I don't want to be with Liz.
Karen, sometimes
it's very hard
to make the right decision.
But I have to do
what I think is best.
Besides, it won't be so bad.
Liz has her
equestrian club today.
KAREN: Terrific.
Oh, there's your sister.
Again?
I have to babysit her again?
Mom, see how she is?
See?
Liz, I'm showing an
estate in Riverside
and a condo in downtown
Hartford at 5:00.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Come on.
Mom, just tell her
she's not my boss.
But I am your boss.
You are not!
Yes I am your boss!
Enough, enough.
Karen, now you be good.
And get all the homework done.
It'll be nonstop thrills.
Honey, if we
all work together,
it's going to be a
lot easier to afford
that trip to Disney
World come spring break.
Mom, why didn't you say so?
Mom, someday you'll think I'll
be able to take care of myself.
Won't you?
Oh, yes, honey.
It'll be someday real soon.
OK.
Go ahead.
You're not my boss.
I am.
You could boss a bum.
[pop music]
[clicks music off]
GIRL: Uh, oh.
BOY: Hey.
[serene music]
- Will you be all right?
- Fine.
Just fine.
See you later, OK?
Go have fun.
LIZ: [clicks] Come on, girl.
Come on.
Come on Princess.
Let's go.
Excuse me, do you
think it would be
all right if I rode your horse?
Sure.
Do you know how to ride?
Oh, sure.
OK.
Just stay in the
paddock, all right?
OK.
No problem.
I'll just get comfortable.
Hi, horsey.
I didn't mean to fib
about knowing how to ride
a nice, gentle horse like you.
My name's Karen.
I forgot to ask yours.
[upbeat music]
I can see you're a very
kind and gentle horse.
Ooh.
My name's Karen.
I've never ridden before.
I guess you can tell.
I don't know how
to downshift it.
Ooh!
Oh, no.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Ah!
Whoa, get a grip on yourself.
Get a grip.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
[horse whinnies]
Ah!
Aah!
[music mellows]
Ump.
[saddle clinking]
[horse whinnies]
Fair sir, will
you fighter or not?
Fight?
What are you talking about?
Don't plead ignorance
of knightly law.
Now, I'll ask you again.
Be you my captive or will
you try a passage of arms?
Get real.
Go back to your circus or
wherever you came from.
KNIGHT: Very well then.
Since you care not
to fight, I declare
you are captive of my spear.
KAREN: You're out of your gourd.
I command you to march.
KAREN: Well, if you
put it that way.
I-- I put it that way.
Now move, obstinate intruder.
Sir, I'm sorry to insult you.
Ah, sir it is better.
You may call me Sir Lancelot.
- Oh, terrific.
And you can call me
the Queen of England.
What a great teller
of lies you are.
Look, would you mind if
you went back the other way?
My sister and her
holy questioning club
are over there.
They'd really enjoy meeting you.
March.
KAREN: I'm marching.
I'm marching.
[medieval music]
Is your asylum in Hartford, sir?
SIR LANCELOT: I've never
heard of the place.
KAREN: May be New Haven.
SIR LANCELOT: And
there be no New Haven.
You'll find out soon enough.
Help, help.
Run to the stables.
Somebody tell my sister I'm
being kidnapped by a lunatic.
Please, somebody tell my sister.
Please.
Please, somebody help.
Go tell my sister.
WOMAN: I've never
seen the likes of it.
KAREN: Somebody?
Please.
Well, you certainly
gave them a start.
Now didn't you, intruder?
KAREN: I had no idea they let
so many loony tunes run loose
around here.
Or maybe your asylum's
in Bridgeport.
There.
There's the end of our March.
[jubilant music]
Camelot.
Awesome.
[adventurous music]
SIR LANCELOT: Inside
and be quick with you.
Wait you here.
Keep watch over this
prisoner, who knows
little of our code of honor.
Excuse me.
What are you an inmate
here or just visiting?
Pretty, fair lady.
From whence cometh yee?
Enough.
I get your drift.
Your a patient.
No.
I'm a page.
Page?
You're not much more
than a paragraph.
Just trying to
make a little joke.
Oh, I like a good joke.
And your clothes are hilarious.
Where did you get them?
The mall.
Where else?
Wherever, make you
look very comical.
Well, you look like a carrot.
I'm Karen Jones.
I live at 124 Elm Street,
Hartford, Connecticut.
There's no Connecticut
here in England.
England?
This is English?
Aye.
It twas told me since my on
November the 3rd in the year--
This is England?
PAGE: 513.
KAREN: You were born in 513?
PAGE: Aye.
KAREN: What day do
you think it is today?
Today?
Why, it's June 6
in the year 528.
Today is June 6, 528.
Are you crazy?
There you go,
making me laugh again.
Is this a place where
they keep crazy people?
'Tis not.
You're in King Arthur's court.
King Arthur's court?
You're so good
at acting the fool.
'Tis a very pleasing show.
And your a page at
King Arthur's court?
Yes.
But I was a trained
blacksmith in Cornwall
before I was captured and
made a page of this court.
If I'm dreaming, I
want to wake up now, now!
Come, you demon.
The King is waiting
to greet you.
[boisterous chatter]
Wow.
What a great spread.
The man with the crown
on is King Arthur?
You're a clever observer.
Who are all the others?
Well, the beauteous lady with
the crown is Queen Guinevere.
And the older, bearded man
is Merlin, the greatest
magician in all the land.
And the man on Arthur's
right is his nephew, Mordred.
Who are the knights?
King Arthur's, of course.
But they're sitting
around a square table.
[crowd quiets]
By the looks of things, you'll
be meeting everybody too soon.
KAREN: [gulp]
MORDRED: Stay away
from [inaudible] it's
a strange looking [inaudible].
Beloved King, I bring
before you this most
audacious and foreign varlet.
And what are the
charges against her?
Feigned ignorance
of knightly law.
Impersonation of
our beloved queen.
And her dress frightened
my horse, your Majesty.
I'm only Karen Jones
from Hartford, Connecticut.
She's clearly a
monster in disguise.
Notice the fiendish
markings on the demon's shoes?
A foreign curse she dares
flaunt before our eyes.
These are just sneakers.
Sneakers?
The very sound of the
word is terrifying.
Nonsense.
Anyone can see she's
just a little girl.
She's very, very dangerous.
Just look at that
lurking hump on her back.
This is just my
school backpack.
I think she's
just a nice human.
Dear little Clarence,
always such an odd ball.
Beloved husband, she seems
more innocent than monster.
Aye!
Set her free!
KNIGHTS: [cheering]
Aye!
[clapping]
[inaudible]
Enough!
I will decide!
What think you, Merlin?
Burn her at the stake before
she can manifest her powers.
You guys must be kidding.
What think you Mordred?
I defer to
Merlin's brilliance.
She must be burned.
Nobody has the right to
talk to me like they're
going to burn a marshmallow.
Take her to the
courtyard immediately!
KAREN: Get your hands off of me.
Don't you think, wise uncle?
I think not with
such passion about it.
What passion would
become you, Arthur?
I have heard many of
your knights wish this.
Have you?
Please them now
by showing swiftness
and strength in your decision.
Very well.
To the stake with her, then.
KAREN: Is he kidding?
I don't know how to stop them.
All they believe in
is Merlin's magic.
KAREN: If it's magic they want,
it's magic you're going to get.
My Liege, I really don't
think you should kill her.
Stop!
Stop right where you are.
I'm going to zap you
with my lightning box.
CROWD: [gasps]
[laughter] You cannot
deceive us, demon.
I summon an invisible
chain to bind thee.
[chanting]
Oh, stay you here, monster!
Oh, no you don't!
Take that!
CROWD: [gasps]
And this!
Take that!
Take that!
Counter her, Merlin,
with stronger lightning.
MORDRED: Oh, just
change her into stone.
Egads.
She has trapped
us in flatness.
CROWD: [gasps]
Where I come from,
those little flat images
are called snapshots.
And you know what I
can do with a snapshot?
If I snap this in half,
you'll be snapped in half.
CROWD: [gasps]
There is no magic
that powerful.
Oh?
Well maybe you don't
want your head.
Maybe you don't want your legs.
No.
Please-- don't--
stop, great sorceress.
MAN: [whispering]
So you rule the elements
and imprison our image?
You are the greatest
magician we have ever known.
What is your name?
Well, I'm the grand
diva and the head honcho.
I'll knock your socks off.
Please, be merciful
in this perilous matter.
Name your terms,
great magician,
but spare us any mutilations.
Please, take horses,
serving men, gold.
[groan]
Did you say gold?
And whatever else your
greatness might require.
Kindly reflect upon it.
OK, I've reflected upon it.
In return for not knocking
you off with my lightning box,
you can stay King
and everything that
goes along that sort of thing.
How compassionate she is.
But you must appoint
your prime minister,
and I want 1% of all revenues.
That's what we
call a commission.
Clarence?
You want anything?
A blacksmith shop.
And a blacksmith
shop for Clarence.
You take strange Clarence
as your apprentice?
I do.
But Clarence is of little use.
He has no interest
in slaying dragons
nor searching far and
wide for the Grail.
Well, in my book, he's OK.
But we'll need
some place to live.
That's all you want?
Mhm.
Thank you!
KNIGHTS: Yay!
I hereby appoint thee
prime minister and master
magician of our court.
My liege, what about me?
You can put him in charge
of the local weather report.
How kind.
How verily kind.
And would you permit, in
all your gracious kindness,
that I dub you a
knight of my table?
Sure.
Please, kneel.
[medieval music]
I hope he whacks her head off.
With all the royal power
and regal wisdom which
resides in me, I dub thee sir--
but, pretty, what's your name?
Boss.
But since I'm a girl,
you can dub me Lady Boss.
But we have never dubbed
the lady, only sirs.
I'll have to do
something about that,
but sir will be OK for now.
And on this joyous day of
days, I dub the now Sir Boss.
CROWD: Yay!
I want her killed.
First, we must
further test her magic.
And if it isn't truly potent,
then, when the time is right,
we'll slaughter her with the
rest of these foolish people.
CROWD: [cheering]
[jubilant music]
Please, forgive me
Sir Boss for having
called you an evil demon.
I was too rash.
That's OK.
Nobody's perfect.
Will this be to
your satisfaction?
This was the first
iron melt furnace
contained at the castle.
KAREN: It looks cool.
Aye.
This will be fine.
This is a super duplex.
There's plenty of
space for sleeping,
and you can cook down here.
King Arthur would
want you to have
the most succulent foods-- quail
eggs, mutton chops, ox ribs.
CLARENCE: I love ox ribs.
We'll take it.
Then I shall tell the
King you're pleased.
Tell them we're
humongously pleased.
If there is anything
else you should need,
please do not hesitate
to call upon me.
KAREN: Okie-dokie.
I wish to offer myself
as your protector,
should you be
challenged at battle.
Thank you, Sir Lancelot.
Thank you, Sir.
Are you certain this
place is Camelot?
I swear it.
This doesn't seem like the
one I read about in Connecticut.
Are the people here
different than you read about?
Yep.
In the brains department,
a lot don't seem
to be pulling the full train.
What's a train?
I'll show you.
Cool.
Another one from your magic bag.
Where I come from, all the
kids have school backpacks.
How blessed they are.
So this huge long iron
monster is a train?
And what's this?
Well, that's a bicycle.
You pump the pedals and ride it.
But it only has two
non-parallel wheels.
How's it keep you up?
Magic?
Science, not magic.
Oh, but that be
magic for certain.
No, Clarence.
It's only a mirror.
We have shiny metal, but
nothing so smooth as this.
Marvels like these, no wonder
you're disappointed in Camelot.
The Camelot I heard about--
all of them might
sit at a roundtable.
Well they sit around
here is a square one.
That's how it is
in the real Camelot.
But this is the real Camelot.
MAN: Lower the drawbridge!
[horns playing]
[music playing]
Who's she?
Morgana de la Fey, the King's
sister, Mordred's mother.
Does she live here too?
No. she has her own castle.
Welcome, Morgana.
Why do you not
visit us more often?
My dear brother, how
happy I am to see you.
And Guinevere, you look more
beautiful each time I see you.
How we've missed you.
[pleasant music]
Sir Boss, how honored we
are to have you visit us.
What's the matter with them?
They have a great
fear of magicians.
Come, come now, ladies.
Carry on.
Continue your
music for Sir Boss.
Sir Boss, these
ladies in waiting.
Hi.
Queen Guinevere, I
just wanted to thank
you for standing up for me.
It was nothing.
Let it be known that
my ladies in waiting
and I are at your
constant service.
Excuse me, but what exactly
do ladies in waiting do all day?
Oh, so many things.
We needlepoint lovely pillows,
and we carve cameos from ivory.
Where do you get
your ivory from?
The knights bring it back from
their endless and courageous
search for the Holy Grail,
whenever they manage to kill
one of those ghastly elephants.
Elephants aren't ghastly.
The killing of
elephants displeases you?
Yes, it displeases me a lot.
That's all you and
your ladies do all day?
Sewing and carving tusks
from poor elephants?
We also play delightful music.
Don't you ever work out?
What is work out?
You know, exercise to
keep your body in shape.
But what is exercise?
Here, I'll show you.
Come on.
Hey, why don't you tell
the band to pick up tempo?
You know, the beat.
Oh, but we only
have one tempo.
But there are lots of tempos.
Here, I'll show you.
[MUSIC - MARTIKA, "CROSS MY
HEART"]
MARTIKA: (SINGING) Hypnotized.
With just one look at
you, I'm paralyzed.
I can't explain.
Why just one touch from
you drives me insane.
This is a very--
very--
MARTIKA: (SINGING) You've
got me head over heels.
Better believe it--
Come on, ladies.
Let it all hang out.
MARTIKA: (SINGING) And
I love how it feels.
Cross my heart hope to die.
May lightning strike me
if I'm telling a lie.
Cross my heart I
swear it's true.
I never loved anyone
more than I'm loving you.
My, this is a tempo that
really takes my breath away.
[music ends]
MERLIN: She's taking
over everything.
She's a deceiver of
the basest order.
MORDRED: You realize
how much 1% amounts?
MERLIN: Tell him, Mordred.
The king is blinded by this
imposturous tomfoolery.
MORDRED: Not for
the long, Merlin.
Not for long.
MERLIN: She's
devouring everything,
infiltrating every nook
and cranny with her--
[gasp]
Why, you must be Sir Boss.
I'm Morgana, Arthur's sister.
I've heard so much about you.
Hello.
It's a great
pleasure to meet you.
From all the tales I've heard
of your stunning wizardry,
I hadn't expected to meet such
a lovely, sweet young girl.
Thank you.
Perhaps you'd like
to come to my room
and taste of the
delicate tea cakes
that I've brought with me.
I can't right now.
Oh.
I see.
Then perhaps you'd like
to visit me at my castle.
We must have so much in
common, so much to speak of.
I'm sure that would be nice.
Then it's settled.
I'll send for you when
you least expect it.
I'll make it the most
glorious surprise.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[thundering]
[feet stepping]
[suspense music]
[impact]
[screams]
What's going on?
What happened?
Somebody murdered my camera.
[cling]
[medieval music]
[joyous music]
Pull it back.
Pull it.
Ya!
Ya!
Ya!
What's that?
The knights you see use
these targets for practice.
Ya!
Ya!
Ya!
SIR LANCELOT: Pull back.
Bullseye!
Very good.
What's this, Sir Boss?
Just a hot air balloon.
It can lift you high in the air.
You fly.
Fly?
Like a witch?
That's something I miss.
What is it?
It's a telephone.
It let's you talk back
and forth over miles.
I have a lot of telephones.
Not so complicated looking
and have a much better design.
Look.
Those are pigeons,
not telephones.
But they're telephone pigeons.
You take one with you anywhere.
And if you want to talk with
me, you tie a note to it's leg,
and it flies home.
People can't just
go around all the time
with pigeons in their pocket.
You don't have to.
The pigeon follows
you until you need it.
And then you blow this.
[charming whistle]
QUEEN GUINEVERE: Sir Boss?
Sir Boss?
Be right down.
My ladies in waiting and I
have finished our first, as you
say, significant needle point.
Do you think of it?
Okie-dokie, Queen Guinevere.
Make sure every errant
Knight gets one for his bed.
Okie-dokie.
Kiai!
Ia!
Hiai!
[grunts]
Oh, what fun, Sir Boss.
You are teaching us so much.
Ciao, baby.
Ciao.
Never have I seen
the queen so happy.
She adores you.
This still isn't the
Camelot I read about.
Why?
In Camelot, King Arthur
was filled with the spirit
of equality and justice.
What makes you think
our King Arthur isn't?
Because when Lancelot marched
me, I saw so many sad peasants.
It's true.
The people are very poor.
But why?
It's not King
Arthur's fault. It's
Mordred's and his
cronies who tax everybody
to death behind Arthur's back.
And why doesn't
somebody tell Arthur?
Mordred would kill them.
One lord was going
to tell King Arthur,
but the lord's wife
warned him that if he did,
she would punish him.
Make his life hell
on earth forever.
In Connecticut, we have
a punishment like that.
It's called alimony.
Sounds like
something horrible.
Oh, there's so much we need
to do to make Camelot the way
it should be.
What's this?
What have you been working on?
An advertising campaign.
And what weird
campaign be that?
It's for toothbrushes.
But what are toothbrushes?
We have to invent them.
They're little sticks
with bristles on one end.
What do you do with them?
You clean your teeth.
Oh, sort of use
the bristles to flick
out stuck mutton pieces?
Yeah.
As Sir Boss, I'm going
to make sure every knight
has a sign on his shield
talking about the need
for toothbrushes.
But who will make them?
The peasants.
And then they can sell them.
And then they'll
have enough money
for food and decent housing.
That won't work.
Mordred will only tax
the peasants still more,
to keep them just as poor.
But I'm going to go tell
King Arthur everything,
and he's going to toss
Mordred out on his ear.
Just make sure Mordred
doesn't catch you.
A toothbrush?
I'd rather make a bicycle.
[eerie music]
Hello?
Is anyone here?
MERLIN: I am on the
verge of creating
one of the most astonishing
solutions of my career.
A solution greater than my
boil of warthog, for which
you had such generous praise.
[inaudible] Yes.
This be the magic elixir.
[laughs] I have only to
add blood of a chameleon.
[laughs] And it
will be complete.
I be truly comforted
to know this.
I need but sprinkle one drop
on Sir Boss, and she will be
turned into a two-headed mouse.
[laughs]
With one sweep of my sword,
I could turn her into dead.
What a wonderful idea.
With what ease did I
slay her lightning box?
Her magic is gone,
but she is so diverting
to Arthur and the court.
It is better she
breathe a little longer.
But when can we
kill her, Mordred.
Every day, more the
knights come to our side.
But Arthur still has
a good few faithful.
Let me change them
into two-headed mice.
Soon.
As it is, the restless
peasants outside the gates
are beginning to
number hundreds,
and will soon be ready
to march with us.
On that day, the King and
all the faithful to him
will be slaughtered.
But when, Mordred, when?
Within the fortnight.
But now I must go.
Ah.
No, uh, first, let me give
thee a special blessing
of protection before you leave.
'Tis not a long one, I hope.
Nay, nay.
'Tis the short and potent
circle spell I suggest.
Let Mordred gain
his greatest dream.
His sword with blood
shall brightly gleam.
First, behead the
snake, Sir Boss.
Then King and Queen
shall be no loss.
I like thee, Merlin.
Twas a special blessing indeed.
As for that elixir, a touch
of hemlock wouldn't hurt.
[door closes]
MERLIN: [laughter] When we
behead this snake, Sir Boss,
we'll cut her to pieces.
She'll make a fine sauce.
[gargles]
MAN: Your majesty.
KING ARTHUR: My liege.
Forgive me for
being late, my King.
But Merlin requested my presence
at a special good harvest
ritual, performed
particularly with you in mind.
That explains the great
generosity of my Lord
on this Day of Giving.
LORD: My liege.
KING ARTHUR: Your lordship.
KAREN: King Arthur!
King Arthur!
KING ARTHUR: Ah, Sir Boss,
come see what bountiful gifts
I have received.
I need to talk
to the king alone.
I really don't think
this is a good time
to bother the king, Sir Boss.
But I--
I'm sure you didn't mean
to intrude upon his pleasure.
My compliments on
this fine harvest.
No, I certainly did not.
KING ARTHUR: Mordred--
- Sir Boss.
KING ARTHUR: --my lord
has been most generous.
Is there anything wrong?
Yeah.
There's a lot wrong.
We need a girl to
girl talk, and fast.
KING ARTHUR: What
think you, Mordred?
The quality of the offering
seems impressive enough.
But the quantity is
less than was expected.
My king, this lord does
not have a vast estate.
Forgive me, Lancelot,
but your counsel
was not sought, as taxes
are not your expertise.
Indeed, in these matters,
it is your ignorance
that has a vast estate.
The only thing not so
vast would be your tongue
if I put my sword to it.
Mordred!
Lancelot!
Cease your weapons
and your tempers.
Sheath your weapons.
But uncle, you noted I am
most knowledgeable in taxes due.
He is right, Lancelot.
As you preserve my life,
Mordred preserves our larder.
Act as brothers and
continue to bring me
joy through your
respective domains.
Yes, your majesty.
You wish to see me,
my beautiful queen?
I'd like to discuss
something very disturbing
about the kingdom.
You must not concern
yourself with such matters.
They're for Merlin,
myself, and Mordred,
concerns for a man's mind.
But Sir Boss says there's
no difference between a man's
and a woman's mind.
What is it you
wish to discuss?
Sir Boss said she
overheard Merlin
with Mordred
plotting to kill you
and all those faithful to you.
Merlin wants to turn Sir Boss
into a two-headed rodent,
and Mordred says the
peasants hate you.
Nonsense.
Mordred is my dear
nephew, the light
of my sister Morgana's eye.
Merlin's forever asking
after Sir Boss's health,
and all the peasant adore me.
How can you be
so sure of that?
Guinevere, my laws
ensure freedom and fairness
for all my subjects.
So outside the
castle wall, you truly
believe everyone is happy?
Of course they are.
I made the peasants free men.
I gave them land and
ask but little tax.
And who enforces
this fairness?
Mordred, and he does
so with my full trust.
My husband, you always
rule so much with your heart.
Is it not possible just
this once you are trusting
someone you should not?
No.
Tomorrow morning, Sir
Boss is planning to go out
into the countryside to talk
to the peasants herself,
and I think you
should go with her.
Nonsense.
Do you think a
peasant would tell
his King if he were unhappy?
He would if his king were
disguised as a peasant.
Disguised as a peasant?
My Lord, it is the only way.
Talk to the people.
See how they live, for the
love of your country, Arthur,
and for me.
Dear brother, where do
you rush with such vigor?
Sir Boss and I are
going forth from a castle
to mix with the peasants,
so she will learn
how well they love their King.
I don't understand.
The peasants surely would
not tell you otherwise.
They will no know me.
Sir Boss and I will
be disguised in rags.
Oh, Arthur,
that's a grand idea.
I've met Sir Boss.
She's lovely.
I haven't seen you this
concerned for years.
WOMAN: Your majesty.
'Tis a secret.
We're leaving in the morning.
I shall not tell a soul.
I kiss you farewell.
My lips are sealed.
I pray God will be with
you on this inspired quest.
I shall wait only for your
safe return to Camelot.
I love you, sister.
I love you, my brother.
If you have to go, take the
telephone pigeon with you.
He'll follow you, and
whenever you need him,
just blow on the flute.
Clarence, don't
worry about me.
I'll be OK.
Good journey to you, Sir Boss.
You just make sure you keep
the home fire burning, OK?
KING ARTHUR: Psst.
Psst.
'Tis me.
I know.
Don't I make a grand peasant?
Too grand.
We'll have to work on that.
But, how do you get out of here?
Psst.
This way.
[adventurous music]
Thou art letting them escape.
However, it will be our
duty to inform all lords
and gentry to be on
the lookout for two
escaped lunatics traveling the
countryside, one of whom claims
to be King Arthur.
Oh, what good will that do?
A remarkable sufficiency
when we offer a reward of gold
for the first to
slay the and bring us
their heads on a platter.
Finally, my darling son,
the kingdom will be yours.
Thank you, Mother.
You're best mother in
the world, the best.
[cheery music]
Wait.
King Arthur, we really
have to stop now.
And what for?
Look at you, you
still look like a king.
Well, what would
you have me improve?
Well first, your robe.
[ripping]
I thought you wanted me
to look like a peasant,
not savaged by a wild boar.
Well, I suppose
these rings must go.
I'll start on your hair.
Hm.
[humming]
I think that's quite enough.
Now, I'm thirsty.
Fetch me some water.
You want me to
fetch you some water?
Well, the king
deserves some privilege.
Look here.
Quick, bow your head.
Stand up.
Oh, marvelous tapestries.
Stand up.
Stand up.
No need for that.
I see quite well from here.
Act humble.
You're a peasant, remember?
True.
I had forgot it.
NOBLEMAN: Respect at last.
KAREN: Droop.
Droop your head.
I do not feel like drooping.
NOBLEMAN: Why does he
not look at the ground?
KING ARTHUR: Not a
bad animal, good sir.
NOBLEMAN: This peasant
dares to address a nobleman?
It's too late now.
You've already insulted them.
Give me your sword.
I will run it through
anyone who thinks
himself better than a free man.
We have no weapons.
We're peasants, remember?
NOBLEMAN: [growls]
How dare you have so little
respect for human life,
you coward.
NOBLEMAN: Coward?
Try that again, and
my magician here will
strike you with a thunderbolt.
My king, please be quiet.
Be more humble.
I will not humble
myself before a barbarian
of this sort.
Are you so ignorant to the
laws of chivalry and your king?
Your brain has all the
substance of a melon.
Now, I shall slice
you both in half,
and we'll soon see
who is a melon.
Try it, you delirious fool.
Use your magic now.
A plague upon thee,
foolish metal varlet.
Death to you both.
Death!
Use your magic, now, now.
Hey!
Stay right there
or you'll be sorry.
You plan to stop me with
that pitiful chunk of iron?
[screams]
Stand still, so I can
trim you like a lettuce.
Die, you feeble fools.
Sir Boss!
TAPE RECORDER: You
plan to stop me?
With that pitiful chunk of iron?
Die, you feeble fools.
Who said that?
Do not recognize
your own blustering?
TAPE RECORDER: Stand still so
I can trim you like a lettuce.
Ah!
You've trapped my voice
in that little box.
I have.
And if you don't
clear out this second,
I'll make your voice
disappear forever.
And then she will
strike you in your head
with a thunderbolt.
Flee, flee, flee!
Flee, flee!
One is a voice witch
who would smite us all.
She's a horrible voice witch.
WOMAN: Come on!
NOBLEMAN: [laughs]
[yelling]
KING ARTHUR: I knew your
magic would save us, Sir Boss.
But I'm shocked a
knight would behave
so abominably to a peasant.
Now you're
getting the picture.
These free men
look so impoverished.
They must be lazy or waste
their harvest gambling.
Look at this filthy lot.
How can they squander
their money so on drink?
I'm sorry, sir, but think
they're like this all over.
Nonsense.
I'll find out soon
enough what's wrong.
You wait outside.
CHILD: Turkey, turkey, ah!
[crying]
Oh.
Are you OK?
Did you get all dirty?
Oh.
Don't cry.
Friends, will you
join me around my table
for a glass of cheer?
MAN: You're very kind, stranger.
WOMAN: Never seen you
around these parts.
What would you have?
Drink, food?
Whatever it is you like.
A brew if you can
afford it, friend.
Of course I can afford it.
Please, sit here.
Innkeeper.
That's a mirror.
Here.
You can have it.
I guess you can keep it.
Now, tell me honest friends,
what think you have your king?
Oh, shouldn't we
have more consideration
for our stomachs before
starting with such a concern?
Is he no beloved here?
Not here, not anywhere.
Is he not adored?
MAN: Is the plague adored?
He won't be happy until
he's taxed us to death.
Taxes for the king
are but a trifle.
You must come
from very far away.
All within 100 miles
of Camelot are taxed 90%.
Who order you to
pay such thievery?
Don't tell me King
Arthur, for I know
his wishes as I do my very own.
The king's nephew, Mordred,
gouges everything from us
but our eyes.
And even our eyes
if he catches us
cheating over one ear of corn.
You have seen Mordred himself
perform these cruel acts?
Arthur has given him
the power of the whip.
Your King has
done no such thing.
Your king has given you
both land and property.
He has given us land
large enough for a grave.
And I need not ask you
if you love your king.
What would you love is to
take a chopping axe to him.
Look, we don't know
where you came from,
but around here, our wives
and children have nothing,
and we have even less.
I am stunned and
close to tears.
Don't weep for us when
you can't be better off.
But I am better off.
And I had wished as well
that all in my kingdom
should thrive.
I will redress your wrongs.
Not before you pay
the bill, I hope.
Pay the bill?
I'll more than pay the bill.
Here.
Here's for you and
you and you and you.
It's gold.
All the gold I have today.
But I'll be back with more.
The King shall know of this.
Are you a spy?
The man's a spy.
No.
Though I am your king.
You must take us for fools.
You're a spy.
You're a spy.
[exciting music]
You don't understand.
I am here to help you.
I will not rest till
your wrongs are right.
We're out of here.
Get him.
He's a spy.
He's a lunatic.
I am the king!
[pig squeals]
Stop them!
They'll betray us!
Don't let them get away.
KAREN: Come on, King Arthur.
Come on.
WOMAN: The king's
men will hang her.
KAREN: Faster!
MAN: He's a spy.
Stop them!
KAREN: [inaudible] Come on!
Come on.
Welcome, step brother, dear.
And Sir Boss, welcome
to your beheading.
[suspense music]
I know about
Mordred and Merlin,
but I didn't know
Morgana hated you too.
My own sister.
Listen, sisters can
be the meanest of all.
I'm talking from
personal experience.
Now, my sister next to
yours is like a pussy cat.
What are we going to do?
Why don't you just
chant or wave your hand
to make the door fly open?
Or make Morgana and
the castle disappear?
[door unlocks]
Good evening, sweet brother.
What a delight to
have you and Sir Boss
visit my humble castle.
Morgana, release us now,
and I will forgive you.
And I would not forgive you.
Forgive him?
For what?
For having me live in this
squalor all these years.
This is a castle, not squalor.
My rightful castle
should never been here.
My castle should always
have been Camelot.
Your castle, soon it will be.
My loving son will
be on the throne.
And you will be dead.
Excuse me, ma'am.
May I please at least
have my backpack?
Why, I expect that you'd
really like to get your hands
on the little metal casket.
Yes.
Return it at once.
Or she will cause a great
boulder to fall on your head.
As you wish, brother dear.
Guard!
[daunting music]
Here is your metal box,
my little voice witch.
It's fame precedes thee.
Use it now, Sir Boss.
I command thee.
They can pull Morgana's
voice from her throat.
[music picks up]
They ruined the batteries.
It won't work.
Did you think I would not know
witches and water do not mix?
Then cast a spell.
Transform her to a worm.
It is you, dear brother,
who will soon be worm food.
Both of you will be
beheaded tomorrow at noon.
Hey, wait a minute.
A little sibling rivalry's OK,
but this has gone way too far.
Come right back
here this minute.
You hear me?
I know why your
magic has failed us.
It fails because I have
failed my country, my people.
No, your majesty.
I still have magic.
[plays flute]
Look.
Now I understand.
A magic pigeon.
You will transform it
into a huge creature,
and it will peck our
enemies to death.
No.
I'll write a note, and
when it gets to Clarence,
he'll alert your finest
knights to come and save us.
Are those magic
numbers on your note?
Babylonia, 721 BC, first
recorded solar eclipse.
It's just a bunch
of silly numbers.
Clarence will know what to do.
All right.
Fly, pigeon.
Fly.
Fly to Clarence.
Brilliant.
The bird will fly to Camelot and
then turn into a huge creature
to fly my finest
knights to save us.
No.
There's no point
in wasting magic.
Clarence will get the note
and alert your knights
to ride here before noon.
Impossible.
We're a full two days
from Camelot by horse.
I wrote on the
note we're going
to get our heads chopped off.
That will just make
them fly faster.
It will take the pigeon a
good time to fly to Camelot.
Well, it could be
killed by a hawk.
Even if it arrives
within the hour,
it would take a knight
another full hour to armour
himself and his horse.
The ground's in good
condition, which
would allow a seven mile
gait, but we'd still have
to change horses several times.
Do you think they'll
make it by noon?
I don't think so.
We'll need something else.
What?
A miracle.
[drumming]
It's dawn.
You said you were going
to execute us at noon.
I lied.
Proceed.
Stop this now or Sir Boss
will freeze your heart.
Why don't we just
try begging for mercy?
Listen, all.
I am your king.
I am King Arthur.
I command you to take my sister
prisoner, now, immediately.
Kill her!
That didn't seem to work.
Tell me now,
what magic will you
use to whisk my faithful
knights here in time to save us?
I can't whisk anyone here.
Our goose is cooked.
You jest with me.
No.
I'm dead serious.
What a sense of humor.
Let us begin.
Who wishes to go first?
Ladies before gentlemen.
Whew, not where I come from.
Then I shall go.
Now save us.
Work your magic.
King Arthur, I have no magic.
I think I love a joke
as well as you, but--
Make haste.
Chop his head off.
Wait a minute.
Stop.
He's your brother.
Please show mercy.
You're right.
Make it a clean cut.
CLARENCE: We're
coming, Sir Boss.
We're coming!
There's Lancelot and the gang.
Wow.
Lance made bicycles.
Attack.
Now, attack.
CLARENCE: Quicker!
Quicker!
Quicker!
Quicker!
Quicker!
Faster!
Stop!
Stop!
CLARENCE: Here, your majesty.
KAREN: Mean bikes.
You save our lives.
Look.
She's going to get away.
MORDRED: Welcome home, uncle.
We were so worried
about your absence.
Your mother has shown
me her true colors.
You lied to me, Mordred.
My lord, you listened to me.
I heard you say you wanted
to slaughter King Arthur.
Now that is an insidious lie.
I take extreme offense
against my honor.
In fact, I am hurt to the
core by Sir Boss's charge.
I too am deeply offended.
I challenge you, Sir
Boss, to a jousting match.
Let our weapons decide
between right and wrong.
But I don't want to joust.
Nor will she.
Sir Boss will joust with me,
for that is one of your laws
I will uphold, my king.
Defense of knightly honor.
I suggest the joust
be held tomorrow.
Arthur, my husband,
how I did miss you.
But what is wrong?
Mordred wants
to shish kebab me.
That's what's wrong.
If Sir Boss permits,
it is I that would
be her champion against you.
Oh, I permit.
I permit.
So be it!
[horns playing]
Here appears Sir
Lancelot who fights
this day to save the honor
and the rectitude of Sir Boss.
CROWD: [cheering]
Here appears
Mordred, who fights
this day to repel the slander,
according to him, by Sir Boss.
CROWD: [booing]
CROWD: [booing]
MAN: Godspeed.
WOMAN: [gasps]
[gasps]
MAN: Get up.
MORDRED: Bring me my mace.
My sword.
MORDRED: Now we'll
see who's strongest.
Come on, come on, come on.
KAREN: [gasps]
KING ARTHUR: Enough of this.
Let them retire to their tents.
Combatants may now
change steeds and weapons.
SIR LANCELOT: Sir Boss.
Forgive me, Sir Boss.
But to date, I would say
I have shamed your honor.
Just hang in there.
What are you doing?
You at least have to look
good when you go out there.
This time, I will quickly
knock Mordred silly,
thrash him silly,
crush his breastplate,
demolish his skull.
Oh, yeah.
Sure you will.
[horns playing]
Now appears Mordred upon
his new stead, [inaudible]..
And here enters Sir Lancelot
on his new steed Victory.
Lancelot, the fate of
Camelot is in your hands.
You must win.
I understand, my king.
I hear with place
upon Mordred a magic net
which shall render him invisible
to Lancelot, but not to us.
Thank thee for this
priceless blessing.
It was the least I could do.
[drumming]
WOMAN: [gasps]
KAREN: Clarence, all right.
Make the sun shine
right on Lancelot.
That's it.
It's perfect.
That's really a knight
in shining armor.
CLARENCE: Awesome.
MORDRED: My eyes.
I can't see.
CROWD: [cheering]
Yeah, Lancelot.
Now!
Surrender or your king is dead.
It was brutal of Mordred not
to include you with the ladies.
Their prison has more comforts.
It's OK.
I'm proud to be Sir Boss.
And some day, everybody
will find out.
There's not much difference
between sir and lady anyway.
Being king was not enough.
I have destroyed all
of us and your magic
by not being a good king.
There are lots
of kinds of magic.
You haven't destroyed mine.
If only someone could
have warned me that I
would become such a fool.
I've done great harm
to all my people,
betrayed them and myself.
This is the end of Camelot.
No.
Camelot doesn't end this way.
I know.
- Then I must not give up.
- No, your majesty.
First the, I must inspire
Lancelot and I my men, but how?
I wish I could tell you.
You see them here,
dispirited, disheartened.
Too little have I
cared for their advice.
I must find a way to
learn from these good men,
as I did from those peasants
in the inn when we sat around--
Yes?
I sat there with those
peasants in the round
and looked each one who
sat there in the eye.
Seeking counsel is no
weakness, but my strength--
Men, here!
Move these benches and
tables into one great circle.
Here.
Here.
Now, in this prison, we will
begin to build our kingdom
as it should always have been.
We will sit at a
great round table
where we will all have a voice.
We will listen to each
other with equal vigor.
We will share our
spirits and ideas.
And together, we will be
stronger and wiser and united.
We will make Camelot the stuff
of which dreams are made.
KNIGHTS: [cheering]
What do you want?
Your veils, all your
veils, throw them down to me,
if you please, your majesty.
Get with it, girls.
What?
Clarence wants our veils.
Hurry up and take them off.
He must have some
unique plan to escape.
Or Clarence is stranger
than we thought.
[music intensifies]
It is the decision of the
highest judges that tomorrow
at noon the first and
greatest enemy of Camelot
shall be burnt at the stake.
And just who is the
greatest enemy of Camelot?
You, Sir Boss.
You are the greatest
enemy of Camelot.
No, Morgana.
Burn me.
I'm the on you hate.
You, dear brother,
you will be next.
And then all of you!
Morgana!
MORGANA: [maniacal laughter]
[pleasant music]
You-- what?
What's today?
What do you mean what's today?
What's today's date?
What's today?
I don't know, uh,
June 20, maybe the 21.
The year 528, right?
The year is true.
Why?
I need to know the exact date.
What's today's date?
Is it the 21st or the 20th?
Uh, yesterday was the 20th.
That makes it--
That makes it June 21, 528.
Why are you so happy?
They plan to
execute you at noon.
No.
Something very special
is going to happen today.
Precisely at noon, June
21, 528, we're going
to have an eclipse of the sun.
Or was it June 21 or June 22?
Should've paid more
attention in school.
Guard!
Guard!
Sir Boss, what?
What are you doing?
What Sir Boss?
What is it?
Guard!
What do you want,
you little varlet?
Tell Mordred and the
rest of his cronies,
if they try to so much as
saute one finger of mine,
I'm going to smother the
world in eternal midnight.
You wouldn't.
Want to bet?
I'm going to blot out the sun.
It's never going to shine again.
MAN: No, Sir Boss.
- No, Sir Boss.
Sir Boss, I pray you.
You guys, I was just kidding.
I'm just going to bot the
sun out for a few minutes.
What if Sir Boss was
truthful about her threat
to hold the sun's light?
She has shown control
over the elements only
with her lightning box.
Trust me, she is a fraud
of the greatest proportions.
I here perform the triple
circle dance for protection.
So [inaudible] hold your
net, a pygmy to a giant.
Sent forth the false wizard.
I didn't know picking
a lock was so difficult.
I see it done 10, 20 times
a night on cop shows.
Cop shows?
Something we have a
lot of where I come from.
Let me try, your majesty.
Just wiggle it around until
you hit all the right gizmos.
Gizmos?
Step forward, Sir Boss.
Don't come near her.
You will have
to kill us first.
We will.
Stop.
I'll go with you.
But you're going to be sorry.
I think.
No, Sir Boss!
Get back!
MORDRED: Do you have any
final words to say, Sir Boss?
Yes.
What time is it?
'Tis the hour of
noon, and I predict
bad weather only for you.
Put her to the torch.
Wait!
You so much as try to
take one step toward me,
I'll blot out the
sun, and you'll
never have fresh vegetables even
if your life depends on it--
which it does!
Tie her to the stake.
Why didn't I pay more
attention in school?
Why?
[excited music]
MAN: Look.
Look there.
All right!
MAN: Well, that's strange.
WOMAN: What is it?
MAN: See how it moves?
What we do now, Mother, dear?
KAREN: I told you.
I told you I'd blot out the sun.
MAN: [inaudible]
MORGANA: We kill her,
we'll kill the spell.
MAN: Stop her!
MORGANA: Get her.
[music intensifies]
I'll cut your heart
out with my own hands.
Put me down!
Mordred!
Lancelot!
Pretender.
MAN: If I am to die--
Morgana.
You fare sweet
Guinevere, you are dead.
QUEEN GUINEVERE: Kiai!
WOMEN: [gasps]
QUEEN GUINEVERE:
That's for Sir Boss.
MERLIN: Back, you little urchin.
Come.
Wait.
Wait.
I just.
I'm not going to hurt--
I want to just talk to--
CLARENCE: Come on!
Come on!
This way.
Wow.
Great heavens.
CLARENCE: Quick, come on!
Faster!
Quick!
MERLIN: Sir Boss!
Sir Boss, wait!
CLARENCE: The sand
bags, untie them, quick.
MERLIN: Wait.
Wait!
All right, then.
You leave me no choice.
This-- this spell never fails.
If I can't destroy you,
I'll put you to sleep!
I command you to sleep
for hundreds of years!
Hundreds of years!
Sleep.
Sleep.
Close your eyes.
You'll be in for a big surprise!
[laughs] Hundreds of years!
Hundreds of years!
KAREN: Good bye, King Arthur.
Good bye, Queen
Guinevere and Lancelot.
I'm going to miss you.
KING ARTHUR: Good bye, Sir Boss.
And thank you.
[excited music]
KAREN: Uh-oh.
I guess you can't
argue with destiny.
[happy music]
What's the matter?
Merlin's spell.
Merlin, he is a real magician.
CLARENCE: Told you so.
KAREN: He's after me.
He's after me.
He's after me.
He's after me.
LIZ: Karen.
He's after me.
He's after me.
He's after me.
Nobody's after you.
KAREN: He's after me.
He's after me.
He's after me.
LIZ: Nobody's after you.
You fell off a horse.
But Merlin's really after me.
LIZ: Are you all right, Karen?
Of course I'm OK.
Then what's my name?
If you don't know your name,
I'm not going to tell you.
I was so worried about you.
You could have been killed.
You don't even
know half the story.
Or at least you don't seem
to have broken any bones.
I was in Camelot, Liz.
I met King Arthur,
Queen Guinevere.
You're going to need
your head examined.
I was Sir Boss.
I had my own loft.
But I almost got my
head chopped off.
I'm going to have to tell Mom
about you borrowing a horse.
No, you're not!
Yes, I will.
No, you can't.
I'm going to tell her.
She's going to blame
me anyway, you know.
No, she's not.
I'm going to tell her it's
all my fault. I can handle it.
You must have banged your
head harder than I thought.
KAREN: It was an adventure!
I met King Arthur and Queen
Guinevere and Sir Lancelot.
My best friend's
name was Clarence.
You'd have really liked him.
He was definitely a page.
Not a paragraph at all.
[chuckles]
[music playing]
In astronomy,
an eclipse is said
to occur when one
celestial body enters
the influence of another body
or is temporarily hidden.
Now, watch closely while
I create a lunar eclipse.
See?
There.
Now how can we define it?
Gabby.
A lunar eclipse takes
place when the moon
enters the shadow of the earth.
TEACHER: Excellent, excellent.
Now, watch closely
as our moon comes
between the sun and the earth.
Now, what could this be?
Oh, oh, oh!
Karen.
A solar eclipse.
Precisely, Karen.
The moon obscures the sun
leaving the earth in darkness.
[bell rings]
Nobody moves.
Nobody move until you
copy down these dates.
Quiz on Monday.
[disappointed sighs]
Quiz on Monday.
First reported lunar
eclipse, Babylonia 721 BC.
First precisely predicted solar
eclipses in Europe on June
21, 528, a very happening year.
STUDENTS: [chuckles]
TEACHER: Get that?
STUDENTS: Yeah.
TEACHER: Good.
Who cares about dates?
The only date I'd be interested
in is with Tom Cruise.
Columbus got here.
That's all that matters.
Karen, Karen,
Karen, sweetheart.
Oh, there's my mom.
OK.
Call me if you can sleep over.
My brother's renting "Attack
of the Killer Tomatoes".
Sounds good to me.
OK.
Bye.
Hi.
So how was school
today, sweetheart?
OK.
Oh, that good, huh?
Now.
I've got a couple of houses
to show this afternoon.
I'm sorry, but you're going to
have to go with your sister.
Aw.
Why can't I stay at
home and wait for Dad?
Honey, I don't feel
comfortable leaving
you home alone, not just yet.
Besides, your father called.
He has to work late.
Mom, I'm 12 years old.
I've had six months of karate.
I don't want to be with Liz.
Karen, sometimes
it's very hard
to make the right decision.
But I have to do
what I think is best.
Besides, it won't be so bad.
Liz has her
equestrian club today.
KAREN: Terrific.
Oh, there's your sister.
Again?
I have to babysit her again?
Mom, see how she is?
See?
Liz, I'm showing an
estate in Riverside
and a condo in downtown
Hartford at 5:00.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Come on.
Mom, just tell her
she's not my boss.
But I am your boss.
You are not!
Yes I am your boss!
Enough, enough.
Karen, now you be good.
And get all the homework done.
It'll be nonstop thrills.
Honey, if we
all work together,
it's going to be a
lot easier to afford
that trip to Disney
World come spring break.
Mom, why didn't you say so?
Mom, someday you'll think I'll
be able to take care of myself.
Won't you?
Oh, yes, honey.
It'll be someday real soon.
OK.
Go ahead.
You're not my boss.
I am.
You could boss a bum.
[pop music]
[clicks music off]
GIRL: Uh, oh.
BOY: Hey.
[serene music]
- Will you be all right?
- Fine.
Just fine.
See you later, OK?
Go have fun.
LIZ: [clicks] Come on, girl.
Come on.
Come on Princess.
Let's go.
Excuse me, do you
think it would be
all right if I rode your horse?
Sure.
Do you know how to ride?
Oh, sure.
OK.
Just stay in the
paddock, all right?
OK.
No problem.
I'll just get comfortable.
Hi, horsey.
I didn't mean to fib
about knowing how to ride
a nice, gentle horse like you.
My name's Karen.
I forgot to ask yours.
[upbeat music]
I can see you're a very
kind and gentle horse.
Ooh.
My name's Karen.
I've never ridden before.
I guess you can tell.
I don't know how
to downshift it.
Ooh!
Oh, no.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Ah!
Whoa, get a grip on yourself.
Get a grip.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
[horse whinnies]
Ah!
Aah!
[music mellows]
Ump.
[saddle clinking]
[horse whinnies]
Fair sir, will
you fighter or not?
Fight?
What are you talking about?
Don't plead ignorance
of knightly law.
Now, I'll ask you again.
Be you my captive or will
you try a passage of arms?
Get real.
Go back to your circus or
wherever you came from.
KNIGHT: Very well then.
Since you care not
to fight, I declare
you are captive of my spear.
KAREN: You're out of your gourd.
I command you to march.
KAREN: Well, if you
put it that way.
I-- I put it that way.
Now move, obstinate intruder.
Sir, I'm sorry to insult you.
Ah, sir it is better.
You may call me Sir Lancelot.
- Oh, terrific.
And you can call me
the Queen of England.
What a great teller
of lies you are.
Look, would you mind if
you went back the other way?
My sister and her
holy questioning club
are over there.
They'd really enjoy meeting you.
March.
KAREN: I'm marching.
I'm marching.
[medieval music]
Is your asylum in Hartford, sir?
SIR LANCELOT: I've never
heard of the place.
KAREN: May be New Haven.
SIR LANCELOT: And
there be no New Haven.
You'll find out soon enough.
Help, help.
Run to the stables.
Somebody tell my sister I'm
being kidnapped by a lunatic.
Please, somebody tell my sister.
Please.
Please, somebody help.
Go tell my sister.
WOMAN: I've never
seen the likes of it.
KAREN: Somebody?
Please.
Well, you certainly
gave them a start.
Now didn't you, intruder?
KAREN: I had no idea they let
so many loony tunes run loose
around here.
Or maybe your asylum's
in Bridgeport.
There.
There's the end of our March.
[jubilant music]
Camelot.
Awesome.
[adventurous music]
SIR LANCELOT: Inside
and be quick with you.
Wait you here.
Keep watch over this
prisoner, who knows
little of our code of honor.
Excuse me.
What are you an inmate
here or just visiting?
Pretty, fair lady.
From whence cometh yee?
Enough.
I get your drift.
Your a patient.
No.
I'm a page.
Page?
You're not much more
than a paragraph.
Just trying to
make a little joke.
Oh, I like a good joke.
And your clothes are hilarious.
Where did you get them?
The mall.
Where else?
Wherever, make you
look very comical.
Well, you look like a carrot.
I'm Karen Jones.
I live at 124 Elm Street,
Hartford, Connecticut.
There's no Connecticut
here in England.
England?
This is English?
Aye.
It twas told me since my on
November the 3rd in the year--
This is England?
PAGE: 513.
KAREN: You were born in 513?
PAGE: Aye.
KAREN: What day do
you think it is today?
Today?
Why, it's June 6
in the year 528.
Today is June 6, 528.
Are you crazy?
There you go,
making me laugh again.
Is this a place where
they keep crazy people?
'Tis not.
You're in King Arthur's court.
King Arthur's court?
You're so good
at acting the fool.
'Tis a very pleasing show.
And your a page at
King Arthur's court?
Yes.
But I was a trained
blacksmith in Cornwall
before I was captured and
made a page of this court.
If I'm dreaming, I
want to wake up now, now!
Come, you demon.
The King is waiting
to greet you.
[boisterous chatter]
Wow.
What a great spread.
The man with the crown
on is King Arthur?
You're a clever observer.
Who are all the others?
Well, the beauteous lady with
the crown is Queen Guinevere.
And the older, bearded man
is Merlin, the greatest
magician in all the land.
And the man on Arthur's
right is his nephew, Mordred.
Who are the knights?
King Arthur's, of course.
But they're sitting
around a square table.
[crowd quiets]
By the looks of things, you'll
be meeting everybody too soon.
KAREN: [gulp]
MORDRED: Stay away
from [inaudible] it's
a strange looking [inaudible].
Beloved King, I bring
before you this most
audacious and foreign varlet.
And what are the
charges against her?
Feigned ignorance
of knightly law.
Impersonation of
our beloved queen.
And her dress frightened
my horse, your Majesty.
I'm only Karen Jones
from Hartford, Connecticut.
She's clearly a
monster in disguise.
Notice the fiendish
markings on the demon's shoes?
A foreign curse she dares
flaunt before our eyes.
These are just sneakers.
Sneakers?
The very sound of the
word is terrifying.
Nonsense.
Anyone can see she's
just a little girl.
She's very, very dangerous.
Just look at that
lurking hump on her back.
This is just my
school backpack.
I think she's
just a nice human.
Dear little Clarence,
always such an odd ball.
Beloved husband, she seems
more innocent than monster.
Aye!
Set her free!
KNIGHTS: [cheering]
Aye!
[clapping]
[inaudible]
Enough!
I will decide!
What think you, Merlin?
Burn her at the stake before
she can manifest her powers.
You guys must be kidding.
What think you Mordred?
I defer to
Merlin's brilliance.
She must be burned.
Nobody has the right to
talk to me like they're
going to burn a marshmallow.
Take her to the
courtyard immediately!
KAREN: Get your hands off of me.
Don't you think, wise uncle?
I think not with
such passion about it.
What passion would
become you, Arthur?
I have heard many of
your knights wish this.
Have you?
Please them now
by showing swiftness
and strength in your decision.
Very well.
To the stake with her, then.
KAREN: Is he kidding?
I don't know how to stop them.
All they believe in
is Merlin's magic.
KAREN: If it's magic they want,
it's magic you're going to get.
My Liege, I really don't
think you should kill her.
Stop!
Stop right where you are.
I'm going to zap you
with my lightning box.
CROWD: [gasps]
[laughter] You cannot
deceive us, demon.
I summon an invisible
chain to bind thee.
[chanting]
Oh, stay you here, monster!
Oh, no you don't!
Take that!
CROWD: [gasps]
And this!
Take that!
Take that!
Counter her, Merlin,
with stronger lightning.
MORDRED: Oh, just
change her into stone.
Egads.
She has trapped
us in flatness.
CROWD: [gasps]
Where I come from,
those little flat images
are called snapshots.
And you know what I
can do with a snapshot?
If I snap this in half,
you'll be snapped in half.
CROWD: [gasps]
There is no magic
that powerful.
Oh?
Well maybe you don't
want your head.
Maybe you don't want your legs.
No.
Please-- don't--
stop, great sorceress.
MAN: [whispering]
So you rule the elements
and imprison our image?
You are the greatest
magician we have ever known.
What is your name?
Well, I'm the grand
diva and the head honcho.
I'll knock your socks off.
Please, be merciful
in this perilous matter.
Name your terms,
great magician,
but spare us any mutilations.
Please, take horses,
serving men, gold.
[groan]
Did you say gold?
And whatever else your
greatness might require.
Kindly reflect upon it.
OK, I've reflected upon it.
In return for not knocking
you off with my lightning box,
you can stay King
and everything that
goes along that sort of thing.
How compassionate she is.
But you must appoint
your prime minister,
and I want 1% of all revenues.
That's what we
call a commission.
Clarence?
You want anything?
A blacksmith shop.
And a blacksmith
shop for Clarence.
You take strange Clarence
as your apprentice?
I do.
But Clarence is of little use.
He has no interest
in slaying dragons
nor searching far and
wide for the Grail.
Well, in my book, he's OK.
But we'll need
some place to live.
That's all you want?
Mhm.
Thank you!
KNIGHTS: Yay!
I hereby appoint thee
prime minister and master
magician of our court.
My liege, what about me?
You can put him in charge
of the local weather report.
How kind.
How verily kind.
And would you permit, in
all your gracious kindness,
that I dub you a
knight of my table?
Sure.
Please, kneel.
[medieval music]
I hope he whacks her head off.
With all the royal power
and regal wisdom which
resides in me, I dub thee sir--
but, pretty, what's your name?
Boss.
But since I'm a girl,
you can dub me Lady Boss.
But we have never dubbed
the lady, only sirs.
I'll have to do
something about that,
but sir will be OK for now.
And on this joyous day of
days, I dub the now Sir Boss.
CROWD: Yay!
I want her killed.
First, we must
further test her magic.
And if it isn't truly potent,
then, when the time is right,
we'll slaughter her with the
rest of these foolish people.
CROWD: [cheering]
[jubilant music]
Please, forgive me
Sir Boss for having
called you an evil demon.
I was too rash.
That's OK.
Nobody's perfect.
Will this be to
your satisfaction?
This was the first
iron melt furnace
contained at the castle.
KAREN: It looks cool.
Aye.
This will be fine.
This is a super duplex.
There's plenty of
space for sleeping,
and you can cook down here.
King Arthur would
want you to have
the most succulent foods-- quail
eggs, mutton chops, ox ribs.
CLARENCE: I love ox ribs.
We'll take it.
Then I shall tell the
King you're pleased.
Tell them we're
humongously pleased.
If there is anything
else you should need,
please do not hesitate
to call upon me.
KAREN: Okie-dokie.
I wish to offer myself
as your protector,
should you be
challenged at battle.
Thank you, Sir Lancelot.
Thank you, Sir.
Are you certain this
place is Camelot?
I swear it.
This doesn't seem like the
one I read about in Connecticut.
Are the people here
different than you read about?
Yep.
In the brains department,
a lot don't seem
to be pulling the full train.
What's a train?
I'll show you.
Cool.
Another one from your magic bag.
Where I come from, all the
kids have school backpacks.
How blessed they are.
So this huge long iron
monster is a train?
And what's this?
Well, that's a bicycle.
You pump the pedals and ride it.
But it only has two
non-parallel wheels.
How's it keep you up?
Magic?
Science, not magic.
Oh, but that be
magic for certain.
No, Clarence.
It's only a mirror.
We have shiny metal, but
nothing so smooth as this.
Marvels like these, no wonder
you're disappointed in Camelot.
The Camelot I heard about--
all of them might
sit at a roundtable.
Well they sit around
here is a square one.
That's how it is
in the real Camelot.
But this is the real Camelot.
MAN: Lower the drawbridge!
[horns playing]
[music playing]
Who's she?
Morgana de la Fey, the King's
sister, Mordred's mother.
Does she live here too?
No. she has her own castle.
Welcome, Morgana.
Why do you not
visit us more often?
My dear brother, how
happy I am to see you.
And Guinevere, you look more
beautiful each time I see you.
How we've missed you.
[pleasant music]
Sir Boss, how honored we
are to have you visit us.
What's the matter with them?
They have a great
fear of magicians.
Come, come now, ladies.
Carry on.
Continue your
music for Sir Boss.
Sir Boss, these
ladies in waiting.
Hi.
Queen Guinevere, I
just wanted to thank
you for standing up for me.
It was nothing.
Let it be known that
my ladies in waiting
and I are at your
constant service.
Excuse me, but what exactly
do ladies in waiting do all day?
Oh, so many things.
We needlepoint lovely pillows,
and we carve cameos from ivory.
Where do you get
your ivory from?
The knights bring it back from
their endless and courageous
search for the Holy Grail,
whenever they manage to kill
one of those ghastly elephants.
Elephants aren't ghastly.
The killing of
elephants displeases you?
Yes, it displeases me a lot.
That's all you and
your ladies do all day?
Sewing and carving tusks
from poor elephants?
We also play delightful music.
Don't you ever work out?
What is work out?
You know, exercise to
keep your body in shape.
But what is exercise?
Here, I'll show you.
Come on.
Hey, why don't you tell
the band to pick up tempo?
You know, the beat.
Oh, but we only
have one tempo.
But there are lots of tempos.
Here, I'll show you.
[MUSIC - MARTIKA, "CROSS MY
HEART"]
MARTIKA: (SINGING) Hypnotized.
With just one look at
you, I'm paralyzed.
I can't explain.
Why just one touch from
you drives me insane.
This is a very--
very--
MARTIKA: (SINGING) You've
got me head over heels.
Better believe it--
Come on, ladies.
Let it all hang out.
MARTIKA: (SINGING) And
I love how it feels.
Cross my heart hope to die.
May lightning strike me
if I'm telling a lie.
Cross my heart I
swear it's true.
I never loved anyone
more than I'm loving you.
My, this is a tempo that
really takes my breath away.
[music ends]
MERLIN: She's taking
over everything.
She's a deceiver of
the basest order.
MORDRED: You realize
how much 1% amounts?
MERLIN: Tell him, Mordred.
The king is blinded by this
imposturous tomfoolery.
MORDRED: Not for
the long, Merlin.
Not for long.
MERLIN: She's
devouring everything,
infiltrating every nook
and cranny with her--
[gasp]
Why, you must be Sir Boss.
I'm Morgana, Arthur's sister.
I've heard so much about you.
Hello.
It's a great
pleasure to meet you.
From all the tales I've heard
of your stunning wizardry,
I hadn't expected to meet such
a lovely, sweet young girl.
Thank you.
Perhaps you'd like
to come to my room
and taste of the
delicate tea cakes
that I've brought with me.
I can't right now.
Oh.
I see.
Then perhaps you'd like
to visit me at my castle.
We must have so much in
common, so much to speak of.
I'm sure that would be nice.
Then it's settled.
I'll send for you when
you least expect it.
I'll make it the most
glorious surprise.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[thundering]
[feet stepping]
[suspense music]
[impact]
[screams]
What's going on?
What happened?
Somebody murdered my camera.
[cling]
[medieval music]
[joyous music]
Pull it back.
Pull it.
Ya!
Ya!
Ya!
What's that?
The knights you see use
these targets for practice.
Ya!
Ya!
Ya!
SIR LANCELOT: Pull back.
Bullseye!
Very good.
What's this, Sir Boss?
Just a hot air balloon.
It can lift you high in the air.
You fly.
Fly?
Like a witch?
That's something I miss.
What is it?
It's a telephone.
It let's you talk back
and forth over miles.
I have a lot of telephones.
Not so complicated looking
and have a much better design.
Look.
Those are pigeons,
not telephones.
But they're telephone pigeons.
You take one with you anywhere.
And if you want to talk with
me, you tie a note to it's leg,
and it flies home.
People can't just
go around all the time
with pigeons in their pocket.
You don't have to.
The pigeon follows
you until you need it.
And then you blow this.
[charming whistle]
QUEEN GUINEVERE: Sir Boss?
Sir Boss?
Be right down.
My ladies in waiting and I
have finished our first, as you
say, significant needle point.
Do you think of it?
Okie-dokie, Queen Guinevere.
Make sure every errant
Knight gets one for his bed.
Okie-dokie.
Kiai!
Ia!
Hiai!
[grunts]
Oh, what fun, Sir Boss.
You are teaching us so much.
Ciao, baby.
Ciao.
Never have I seen
the queen so happy.
She adores you.
This still isn't the
Camelot I read about.
Why?
In Camelot, King Arthur
was filled with the spirit
of equality and justice.
What makes you think
our King Arthur isn't?
Because when Lancelot marched
me, I saw so many sad peasants.
It's true.
The people are very poor.
But why?
It's not King
Arthur's fault. It's
Mordred's and his
cronies who tax everybody
to death behind Arthur's back.
And why doesn't
somebody tell Arthur?
Mordred would kill them.
One lord was going
to tell King Arthur,
but the lord's wife
warned him that if he did,
she would punish him.
Make his life hell
on earth forever.
In Connecticut, we have
a punishment like that.
It's called alimony.
Sounds like
something horrible.
Oh, there's so much we need
to do to make Camelot the way
it should be.
What's this?
What have you been working on?
An advertising campaign.
And what weird
campaign be that?
It's for toothbrushes.
But what are toothbrushes?
We have to invent them.
They're little sticks
with bristles on one end.
What do you do with them?
You clean your teeth.
Oh, sort of use
the bristles to flick
out stuck mutton pieces?
Yeah.
As Sir Boss, I'm going
to make sure every knight
has a sign on his shield
talking about the need
for toothbrushes.
But who will make them?
The peasants.
And then they can sell them.
And then they'll
have enough money
for food and decent housing.
That won't work.
Mordred will only tax
the peasants still more,
to keep them just as poor.
But I'm going to go tell
King Arthur everything,
and he's going to toss
Mordred out on his ear.
Just make sure Mordred
doesn't catch you.
A toothbrush?
I'd rather make a bicycle.
[eerie music]
Hello?
Is anyone here?
MERLIN: I am on the
verge of creating
one of the most astonishing
solutions of my career.
A solution greater than my
boil of warthog, for which
you had such generous praise.
[inaudible] Yes.
This be the magic elixir.
[laughs] I have only to
add blood of a chameleon.
[laughs] And it
will be complete.
I be truly comforted
to know this.
I need but sprinkle one drop
on Sir Boss, and she will be
turned into a two-headed mouse.
[laughs]
With one sweep of my sword,
I could turn her into dead.
What a wonderful idea.
With what ease did I
slay her lightning box?
Her magic is gone,
but she is so diverting
to Arthur and the court.
It is better she
breathe a little longer.
But when can we
kill her, Mordred.
Every day, more the
knights come to our side.
But Arthur still has
a good few faithful.
Let me change them
into two-headed mice.
Soon.
As it is, the restless
peasants outside the gates
are beginning to
number hundreds,
and will soon be ready
to march with us.
On that day, the King and
all the faithful to him
will be slaughtered.
But when, Mordred, when?
Within the fortnight.
But now I must go.
Ah.
No, uh, first, let me give
thee a special blessing
of protection before you leave.
'Tis not a long one, I hope.
Nay, nay.
'Tis the short and potent
circle spell I suggest.
Let Mordred gain
his greatest dream.
His sword with blood
shall brightly gleam.
First, behead the
snake, Sir Boss.
Then King and Queen
shall be no loss.
I like thee, Merlin.
Twas a special blessing indeed.
As for that elixir, a touch
of hemlock wouldn't hurt.
[door closes]
MERLIN: [laughter] When we
behead this snake, Sir Boss,
we'll cut her to pieces.
She'll make a fine sauce.
[gargles]
MAN: Your majesty.
KING ARTHUR: My liege.
Forgive me for
being late, my King.
But Merlin requested my presence
at a special good harvest
ritual, performed
particularly with you in mind.
That explains the great
generosity of my Lord
on this Day of Giving.
LORD: My liege.
KING ARTHUR: Your lordship.
KAREN: King Arthur!
King Arthur!
KING ARTHUR: Ah, Sir Boss,
come see what bountiful gifts
I have received.
I need to talk
to the king alone.
I really don't think
this is a good time
to bother the king, Sir Boss.
But I--
I'm sure you didn't mean
to intrude upon his pleasure.
My compliments on
this fine harvest.
No, I certainly did not.
KING ARTHUR: Mordred--
- Sir Boss.
KING ARTHUR: --my lord
has been most generous.
Is there anything wrong?
Yeah.
There's a lot wrong.
We need a girl to
girl talk, and fast.
KING ARTHUR: What
think you, Mordred?
The quality of the offering
seems impressive enough.
But the quantity is
less than was expected.
My king, this lord does
not have a vast estate.
Forgive me, Lancelot,
but your counsel
was not sought, as taxes
are not your expertise.
Indeed, in these matters,
it is your ignorance
that has a vast estate.
The only thing not so
vast would be your tongue
if I put my sword to it.
Mordred!
Lancelot!
Cease your weapons
and your tempers.
Sheath your weapons.
But uncle, you noted I am
most knowledgeable in taxes due.
He is right, Lancelot.
As you preserve my life,
Mordred preserves our larder.
Act as brothers and
continue to bring me
joy through your
respective domains.
Yes, your majesty.
You wish to see me,
my beautiful queen?
I'd like to discuss
something very disturbing
about the kingdom.
You must not concern
yourself with such matters.
They're for Merlin,
myself, and Mordred,
concerns for a man's mind.
But Sir Boss says there's
no difference between a man's
and a woman's mind.
What is it you
wish to discuss?
Sir Boss said she
overheard Merlin
with Mordred
plotting to kill you
and all those faithful to you.
Merlin wants to turn Sir Boss
into a two-headed rodent,
and Mordred says the
peasants hate you.
Nonsense.
Mordred is my dear
nephew, the light
of my sister Morgana's eye.
Merlin's forever asking
after Sir Boss's health,
and all the peasant adore me.
How can you be
so sure of that?
Guinevere, my laws
ensure freedom and fairness
for all my subjects.
So outside the
castle wall, you truly
believe everyone is happy?
Of course they are.
I made the peasants free men.
I gave them land and
ask but little tax.
And who enforces
this fairness?
Mordred, and he does
so with my full trust.
My husband, you always
rule so much with your heart.
Is it not possible just
this once you are trusting
someone you should not?
No.
Tomorrow morning, Sir
Boss is planning to go out
into the countryside to talk
to the peasants herself,
and I think you
should go with her.
Nonsense.
Do you think a
peasant would tell
his King if he were unhappy?
He would if his king were
disguised as a peasant.
Disguised as a peasant?
My Lord, it is the only way.
Talk to the people.
See how they live, for the
love of your country, Arthur,
and for me.
Dear brother, where do
you rush with such vigor?
Sir Boss and I are
going forth from a castle
to mix with the peasants,
so she will learn
how well they love their King.
I don't understand.
The peasants surely would
not tell you otherwise.
They will no know me.
Sir Boss and I will
be disguised in rags.
Oh, Arthur,
that's a grand idea.
I've met Sir Boss.
She's lovely.
I haven't seen you this
concerned for years.
WOMAN: Your majesty.
'Tis a secret.
We're leaving in the morning.
I shall not tell a soul.
I kiss you farewell.
My lips are sealed.
I pray God will be with
you on this inspired quest.
I shall wait only for your
safe return to Camelot.
I love you, sister.
I love you, my brother.
If you have to go, take the
telephone pigeon with you.
He'll follow you, and
whenever you need him,
just blow on the flute.
Clarence, don't
worry about me.
I'll be OK.
Good journey to you, Sir Boss.
You just make sure you keep
the home fire burning, OK?
KING ARTHUR: Psst.
Psst.
'Tis me.
I know.
Don't I make a grand peasant?
Too grand.
We'll have to work on that.
But, how do you get out of here?
Psst.
This way.
[adventurous music]
Thou art letting them escape.
However, it will be our
duty to inform all lords
and gentry to be on
the lookout for two
escaped lunatics traveling the
countryside, one of whom claims
to be King Arthur.
Oh, what good will that do?
A remarkable sufficiency
when we offer a reward of gold
for the first to
slay the and bring us
their heads on a platter.
Finally, my darling son,
the kingdom will be yours.
Thank you, Mother.
You're best mother in
the world, the best.
[cheery music]
Wait.
King Arthur, we really
have to stop now.
And what for?
Look at you, you
still look like a king.
Well, what would
you have me improve?
Well first, your robe.
[ripping]
I thought you wanted me
to look like a peasant,
not savaged by a wild boar.
Well, I suppose
these rings must go.
I'll start on your hair.
Hm.
[humming]
I think that's quite enough.
Now, I'm thirsty.
Fetch me some water.
You want me to
fetch you some water?
Well, the king
deserves some privilege.
Look here.
Quick, bow your head.
Stand up.
Oh, marvelous tapestries.
Stand up.
Stand up.
No need for that.
I see quite well from here.
Act humble.
You're a peasant, remember?
True.
I had forgot it.
NOBLEMAN: Respect at last.
KAREN: Droop.
Droop your head.
I do not feel like drooping.
NOBLEMAN: Why does he
not look at the ground?
KING ARTHUR: Not a
bad animal, good sir.
NOBLEMAN: This peasant
dares to address a nobleman?
It's too late now.
You've already insulted them.
Give me your sword.
I will run it through
anyone who thinks
himself better than a free man.
We have no weapons.
We're peasants, remember?
NOBLEMAN: [growls]
How dare you have so little
respect for human life,
you coward.
NOBLEMAN: Coward?
Try that again, and
my magician here will
strike you with a thunderbolt.
My king, please be quiet.
Be more humble.
I will not humble
myself before a barbarian
of this sort.
Are you so ignorant to the
laws of chivalry and your king?
Your brain has all the
substance of a melon.
Now, I shall slice
you both in half,
and we'll soon see
who is a melon.
Try it, you delirious fool.
Use your magic now.
A plague upon thee,
foolish metal varlet.
Death to you both.
Death!
Use your magic, now, now.
Hey!
Stay right there
or you'll be sorry.
You plan to stop me with
that pitiful chunk of iron?
[screams]
Stand still, so I can
trim you like a lettuce.
Die, you feeble fools.
Sir Boss!
TAPE RECORDER: You
plan to stop me?
With that pitiful chunk of iron?
Die, you feeble fools.
Who said that?
Do not recognize
your own blustering?
TAPE RECORDER: Stand still so
I can trim you like a lettuce.
Ah!
You've trapped my voice
in that little box.
I have.
And if you don't
clear out this second,
I'll make your voice
disappear forever.
And then she will
strike you in your head
with a thunderbolt.
Flee, flee, flee!
Flee, flee!
One is a voice witch
who would smite us all.
She's a horrible voice witch.
WOMAN: Come on!
NOBLEMAN: [laughs]
[yelling]
KING ARTHUR: I knew your
magic would save us, Sir Boss.
But I'm shocked a
knight would behave
so abominably to a peasant.
Now you're
getting the picture.
These free men
look so impoverished.
They must be lazy or waste
their harvest gambling.
Look at this filthy lot.
How can they squander
their money so on drink?
I'm sorry, sir, but think
they're like this all over.
Nonsense.
I'll find out soon
enough what's wrong.
You wait outside.
CHILD: Turkey, turkey, ah!
[crying]
Oh.
Are you OK?
Did you get all dirty?
Oh.
Don't cry.
Friends, will you
join me around my table
for a glass of cheer?
MAN: You're very kind, stranger.
WOMAN: Never seen you
around these parts.
What would you have?
Drink, food?
Whatever it is you like.
A brew if you can
afford it, friend.
Of course I can afford it.
Please, sit here.
Innkeeper.
That's a mirror.
Here.
You can have it.
I guess you can keep it.
Now, tell me honest friends,
what think you have your king?
Oh, shouldn't we
have more consideration
for our stomachs before
starting with such a concern?
Is he no beloved here?
Not here, not anywhere.
Is he not adored?
MAN: Is the plague adored?
He won't be happy until
he's taxed us to death.
Taxes for the king
are but a trifle.
You must come
from very far away.
All within 100 miles
of Camelot are taxed 90%.
Who order you to
pay such thievery?
Don't tell me King
Arthur, for I know
his wishes as I do my very own.
The king's nephew, Mordred,
gouges everything from us
but our eyes.
And even our eyes
if he catches us
cheating over one ear of corn.
You have seen Mordred himself
perform these cruel acts?
Arthur has given him
the power of the whip.
Your King has
done no such thing.
Your king has given you
both land and property.
He has given us land
large enough for a grave.
And I need not ask you
if you love your king.
What would you love is to
take a chopping axe to him.
Look, we don't know
where you came from,
but around here, our wives
and children have nothing,
and we have even less.
I am stunned and
close to tears.
Don't weep for us when
you can't be better off.
But I am better off.
And I had wished as well
that all in my kingdom
should thrive.
I will redress your wrongs.
Not before you pay
the bill, I hope.
Pay the bill?
I'll more than pay the bill.
Here.
Here's for you and
you and you and you.
It's gold.
All the gold I have today.
But I'll be back with more.
The King shall know of this.
Are you a spy?
The man's a spy.
No.
Though I am your king.
You must take us for fools.
You're a spy.
You're a spy.
[exciting music]
You don't understand.
I am here to help you.
I will not rest till
your wrongs are right.
We're out of here.
Get him.
He's a spy.
He's a lunatic.
I am the king!
[pig squeals]
Stop them!
They'll betray us!
Don't let them get away.
KAREN: Come on, King Arthur.
Come on.
WOMAN: The king's
men will hang her.
KAREN: Faster!
MAN: He's a spy.
Stop them!
KAREN: [inaudible] Come on!
Come on.
Welcome, step brother, dear.
And Sir Boss, welcome
to your beheading.
[suspense music]
I know about
Mordred and Merlin,
but I didn't know
Morgana hated you too.
My own sister.
Listen, sisters can
be the meanest of all.
I'm talking from
personal experience.
Now, my sister next to
yours is like a pussy cat.
What are we going to do?
Why don't you just
chant or wave your hand
to make the door fly open?
Or make Morgana and
the castle disappear?
[door unlocks]
Good evening, sweet brother.
What a delight to
have you and Sir Boss
visit my humble castle.
Morgana, release us now,
and I will forgive you.
And I would not forgive you.
Forgive him?
For what?
For having me live in this
squalor all these years.
This is a castle, not squalor.
My rightful castle
should never been here.
My castle should always
have been Camelot.
Your castle, soon it will be.
My loving son will
be on the throne.
And you will be dead.
Excuse me, ma'am.
May I please at least
have my backpack?
Why, I expect that you'd
really like to get your hands
on the little metal casket.
Yes.
Return it at once.
Or she will cause a great
boulder to fall on your head.
As you wish, brother dear.
Guard!
[daunting music]
Here is your metal box,
my little voice witch.
It's fame precedes thee.
Use it now, Sir Boss.
I command thee.
They can pull Morgana's
voice from her throat.
[music picks up]
They ruined the batteries.
It won't work.
Did you think I would not know
witches and water do not mix?
Then cast a spell.
Transform her to a worm.
It is you, dear brother,
who will soon be worm food.
Both of you will be
beheaded tomorrow at noon.
Hey, wait a minute.
A little sibling rivalry's OK,
but this has gone way too far.
Come right back
here this minute.
You hear me?
I know why your
magic has failed us.
It fails because I have
failed my country, my people.
No, your majesty.
I still have magic.
[plays flute]
Look.
Now I understand.
A magic pigeon.
You will transform it
into a huge creature,
and it will peck our
enemies to death.
No.
I'll write a note, and
when it gets to Clarence,
he'll alert your finest
knights to come and save us.
Are those magic
numbers on your note?
Babylonia, 721 BC, first
recorded solar eclipse.
It's just a bunch
of silly numbers.
Clarence will know what to do.
All right.
Fly, pigeon.
Fly.
Fly to Clarence.
Brilliant.
The bird will fly to Camelot and
then turn into a huge creature
to fly my finest
knights to save us.
No.
There's no point
in wasting magic.
Clarence will get the note
and alert your knights
to ride here before noon.
Impossible.
We're a full two days
from Camelot by horse.
I wrote on the
note we're going
to get our heads chopped off.
That will just make
them fly faster.
It will take the pigeon a
good time to fly to Camelot.
Well, it could be
killed by a hawk.
Even if it arrives
within the hour,
it would take a knight
another full hour to armour
himself and his horse.
The ground's in good
condition, which
would allow a seven mile
gait, but we'd still have
to change horses several times.
Do you think they'll
make it by noon?
I don't think so.
We'll need something else.
What?
A miracle.
[drumming]
It's dawn.
You said you were going
to execute us at noon.
I lied.
Proceed.
Stop this now or Sir Boss
will freeze your heart.
Why don't we just
try begging for mercy?
Listen, all.
I am your king.
I am King Arthur.
I command you to take my sister
prisoner, now, immediately.
Kill her!
That didn't seem to work.
Tell me now,
what magic will you
use to whisk my faithful
knights here in time to save us?
I can't whisk anyone here.
Our goose is cooked.
You jest with me.
No.
I'm dead serious.
What a sense of humor.
Let us begin.
Who wishes to go first?
Ladies before gentlemen.
Whew, not where I come from.
Then I shall go.
Now save us.
Work your magic.
King Arthur, I have no magic.
I think I love a joke
as well as you, but--
Make haste.
Chop his head off.
Wait a minute.
Stop.
He's your brother.
Please show mercy.
You're right.
Make it a clean cut.
CLARENCE: We're
coming, Sir Boss.
We're coming!
There's Lancelot and the gang.
Wow.
Lance made bicycles.
Attack.
Now, attack.
CLARENCE: Quicker!
Quicker!
Quicker!
Quicker!
Quicker!
Faster!
Stop!
Stop!
CLARENCE: Here, your majesty.
KAREN: Mean bikes.
You save our lives.
Look.
She's going to get away.
MORDRED: Welcome home, uncle.
We were so worried
about your absence.
Your mother has shown
me her true colors.
You lied to me, Mordred.
My lord, you listened to me.
I heard you say you wanted
to slaughter King Arthur.
Now that is an insidious lie.
I take extreme offense
against my honor.
In fact, I am hurt to the
core by Sir Boss's charge.
I too am deeply offended.
I challenge you, Sir
Boss, to a jousting match.
Let our weapons decide
between right and wrong.
But I don't want to joust.
Nor will she.
Sir Boss will joust with me,
for that is one of your laws
I will uphold, my king.
Defense of knightly honor.
I suggest the joust
be held tomorrow.
Arthur, my husband,
how I did miss you.
But what is wrong?
Mordred wants
to shish kebab me.
That's what's wrong.
If Sir Boss permits,
it is I that would
be her champion against you.
Oh, I permit.
I permit.
So be it!
[horns playing]
Here appears Sir
Lancelot who fights
this day to save the honor
and the rectitude of Sir Boss.
CROWD: [cheering]
Here appears
Mordred, who fights
this day to repel the slander,
according to him, by Sir Boss.
CROWD: [booing]
CROWD: [booing]
MAN: Godspeed.
WOMAN: [gasps]
[gasps]
MAN: Get up.
MORDRED: Bring me my mace.
My sword.
MORDRED: Now we'll
see who's strongest.
Come on, come on, come on.
KAREN: [gasps]
KING ARTHUR: Enough of this.
Let them retire to their tents.
Combatants may now
change steeds and weapons.
SIR LANCELOT: Sir Boss.
Forgive me, Sir Boss.
But to date, I would say
I have shamed your honor.
Just hang in there.
What are you doing?
You at least have to look
good when you go out there.
This time, I will quickly
knock Mordred silly,
thrash him silly,
crush his breastplate,
demolish his skull.
Oh, yeah.
Sure you will.
[horns playing]
Now appears Mordred upon
his new stead, [inaudible]..
And here enters Sir Lancelot
on his new steed Victory.
Lancelot, the fate of
Camelot is in your hands.
You must win.
I understand, my king.
I hear with place
upon Mordred a magic net
which shall render him invisible
to Lancelot, but not to us.
Thank thee for this
priceless blessing.
It was the least I could do.
[drumming]
WOMAN: [gasps]
KAREN: Clarence, all right.
Make the sun shine
right on Lancelot.
That's it.
It's perfect.
That's really a knight
in shining armor.
CLARENCE: Awesome.
MORDRED: My eyes.
I can't see.
CROWD: [cheering]
Yeah, Lancelot.
Now!
Surrender or your king is dead.
It was brutal of Mordred not
to include you with the ladies.
Their prison has more comforts.
It's OK.
I'm proud to be Sir Boss.
And some day, everybody
will find out.
There's not much difference
between sir and lady anyway.
Being king was not enough.
I have destroyed all
of us and your magic
by not being a good king.
There are lots
of kinds of magic.
You haven't destroyed mine.
If only someone could
have warned me that I
would become such a fool.
I've done great harm
to all my people,
betrayed them and myself.
This is the end of Camelot.
No.
Camelot doesn't end this way.
I know.
- Then I must not give up.
- No, your majesty.
First the, I must inspire
Lancelot and I my men, but how?
I wish I could tell you.
You see them here,
dispirited, disheartened.
Too little have I
cared for their advice.
I must find a way to
learn from these good men,
as I did from those peasants
in the inn when we sat around--
Yes?
I sat there with those
peasants in the round
and looked each one who
sat there in the eye.
Seeking counsel is no
weakness, but my strength--
Men, here!
Move these benches and
tables into one great circle.
Here.
Here.
Now, in this prison, we will
begin to build our kingdom
as it should always have been.
We will sit at a
great round table
where we will all have a voice.
We will listen to each
other with equal vigor.
We will share our
spirits and ideas.
And together, we will be
stronger and wiser and united.
We will make Camelot the stuff
of which dreams are made.
KNIGHTS: [cheering]
What do you want?
Your veils, all your
veils, throw them down to me,
if you please, your majesty.
Get with it, girls.
What?
Clarence wants our veils.
Hurry up and take them off.
He must have some
unique plan to escape.
Or Clarence is stranger
than we thought.
[music intensifies]
It is the decision of the
highest judges that tomorrow
at noon the first and
greatest enemy of Camelot
shall be burnt at the stake.
And just who is the
greatest enemy of Camelot?
You, Sir Boss.
You are the greatest
enemy of Camelot.
No, Morgana.
Burn me.
I'm the on you hate.
You, dear brother,
you will be next.
And then all of you!
Morgana!
MORGANA: [maniacal laughter]
[pleasant music]
You-- what?
What's today?
What do you mean what's today?
What's today's date?
What's today?
I don't know, uh,
June 20, maybe the 21.
The year 528, right?
The year is true.
Why?
I need to know the exact date.
What's today's date?
Is it the 21st or the 20th?
Uh, yesterday was the 20th.
That makes it--
That makes it June 21, 528.
Why are you so happy?
They plan to
execute you at noon.
No.
Something very special
is going to happen today.
Precisely at noon, June
21, 528, we're going
to have an eclipse of the sun.
Or was it June 21 or June 22?
Should've paid more
attention in school.
Guard!
Guard!
Sir Boss, what?
What are you doing?
What Sir Boss?
What is it?
Guard!
What do you want,
you little varlet?
Tell Mordred and the
rest of his cronies,
if they try to so much as
saute one finger of mine,
I'm going to smother the
world in eternal midnight.
You wouldn't.
Want to bet?
I'm going to blot out the sun.
It's never going to shine again.
MAN: No, Sir Boss.
- No, Sir Boss.
Sir Boss, I pray you.
You guys, I was just kidding.
I'm just going to bot the
sun out for a few minutes.
What if Sir Boss was
truthful about her threat
to hold the sun's light?
She has shown control
over the elements only
with her lightning box.
Trust me, she is a fraud
of the greatest proportions.
I here perform the triple
circle dance for protection.
So [inaudible] hold your
net, a pygmy to a giant.
Sent forth the false wizard.
I didn't know picking
a lock was so difficult.
I see it done 10, 20 times
a night on cop shows.
Cop shows?
Something we have a
lot of where I come from.
Let me try, your majesty.
Just wiggle it around until
you hit all the right gizmos.
Gizmos?
Step forward, Sir Boss.
Don't come near her.
You will have
to kill us first.
We will.
Stop.
I'll go with you.
But you're going to be sorry.
I think.
No, Sir Boss!
Get back!
MORDRED: Do you have any
final words to say, Sir Boss?
Yes.
What time is it?
'Tis the hour of
noon, and I predict
bad weather only for you.
Put her to the torch.
Wait!
You so much as try to
take one step toward me,
I'll blot out the
sun, and you'll
never have fresh vegetables even
if your life depends on it--
which it does!
Tie her to the stake.
Why didn't I pay more
attention in school?
Why?
[excited music]
MAN: Look.
Look there.
All right!
MAN: Well, that's strange.
WOMAN: What is it?
MAN: See how it moves?
What we do now, Mother, dear?
KAREN: I told you.
I told you I'd blot out the sun.
MAN: [inaudible]
MORGANA: We kill her,
we'll kill the spell.
MAN: Stop her!
MORGANA: Get her.
[music intensifies]
I'll cut your heart
out with my own hands.
Put me down!
Mordred!
Lancelot!
Pretender.
MAN: If I am to die--
Morgana.
You fare sweet
Guinevere, you are dead.
QUEEN GUINEVERE: Kiai!
WOMEN: [gasps]
QUEEN GUINEVERE:
That's for Sir Boss.
MERLIN: Back, you little urchin.
Come.
Wait.
Wait.
I just.
I'm not going to hurt--
I want to just talk to--
CLARENCE: Come on!
Come on!
This way.
Wow.
Great heavens.
CLARENCE: Quick, come on!
Faster!
Quick!
MERLIN: Sir Boss!
Sir Boss, wait!
CLARENCE: The sand
bags, untie them, quick.
MERLIN: Wait.
Wait!
All right, then.
You leave me no choice.
This-- this spell never fails.
If I can't destroy you,
I'll put you to sleep!
I command you to sleep
for hundreds of years!
Hundreds of years!
Sleep.
Sleep.
Close your eyes.
You'll be in for a big surprise!
[laughs] Hundreds of years!
Hundreds of years!
KAREN: Good bye, King Arthur.
Good bye, Queen
Guinevere and Lancelot.
I'm going to miss you.
KING ARTHUR: Good bye, Sir Boss.
And thank you.
[excited music]
KAREN: Uh-oh.
I guess you can't
argue with destiny.
[happy music]
What's the matter?
Merlin's spell.
Merlin, he is a real magician.
CLARENCE: Told you so.
KAREN: He's after me.
He's after me.
He's after me.
He's after me.
LIZ: Karen.
He's after me.
He's after me.
He's after me.
Nobody's after you.
KAREN: He's after me.
He's after me.
He's after me.
LIZ: Nobody's after you.
You fell off a horse.
But Merlin's really after me.
LIZ: Are you all right, Karen?
Of course I'm OK.
Then what's my name?
If you don't know your name,
I'm not going to tell you.
I was so worried about you.
You could have been killed.
You don't even
know half the story.
Or at least you don't seem
to have broken any bones.
I was in Camelot, Liz.
I met King Arthur,
Queen Guinevere.
You're going to need
your head examined.
I was Sir Boss.
I had my own loft.
But I almost got my
head chopped off.
I'm going to have to tell Mom
about you borrowing a horse.
No, you're not!
Yes, I will.
No, you can't.
I'm going to tell her.
She's going to blame
me anyway, you know.
No, she's not.
I'm going to tell her it's
all my fault. I can handle it.
You must have banged your
head harder than I thought.
KAREN: It was an adventure!
I met King Arthur and Queen
Guinevere and Sir Lancelot.
My best friend's
name was Clarence.
You'd have really liked him.
He was definitely a page.
Not a paragraph at all.
[chuckles]
[music playing]