A Christmas Number One (2021) - full transcript

A young woman desperately wants her uncle to find love and for his song to hit the number one spot by Christmas day.

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(CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLING)

(HOWLING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)
DJ: Good morning, New York City!

This is WBLS 107.5
with America's hottest stars.

With us in the studio
this September morning,

we have America's heartthrob,
Ranelle Spear.

That's you, buddy. Everyone's
talking about your new hit,

Rather Be Lonely Than Loved By You.
Ranelle, it's a super-hot track -

tell us about the inspiration
behind it.

RANELLE: Uh... It's complicated, man.
My heart was broken by a girl



who turned out to be nothing short
of a complete nightmare.

You know how it is.

London?
COLLEEN: Did I come through or what?

You'll be in charge
of these guys. Hm?

Five Together?! Seriously?

Don't look so upset,
they're the biggest band in Europe.

Also, you're gonna have
to deal with Grainger,

who is an asshole.
Great in the sack, but an asshole.

(SOFTLY) OK, great.

Well, this is goodbye, then...
Wait, before you go,

just have a look at this new promo
shot for Ranelle's new single.

It's your last official act
on the Ranelle Spear team.

What do you think?

All right, then. I guess that's why
you wanted to leave New York, huh?



Mm-hm.
Artists, right?

(SOFTLY) Yeah. Artists.

Fly, my pretty.

You're gonna love it out there!

♪ Stuck in a snow globe

♪ Everything's upside down

♪ And the snow's so thick,
I can't see solid ground

♪ Christmas is coming

♪ So bring on the Christmas cheer

♪ God knows there's not enough of it
round here

♪ BOTH: Counting the seconds down

♪ Taking the only way out

♪ Jingle bells can keep on ringing

♪ Children gather round,
keep singing

♪ (VOCALISING)

♪ You're the only wish
that's on my list

♪ Little donkey, carry on playing

♪ Santa Claus can keep on sleighing

♪ (VOCALISING)

♪ You're the only wish
that's on my list this Christmas ♪

('CAROL OF THE BELLS' PLAYS)

It's Christmas!

An English-German Christmas
and excitement levels are high...

CARRIE: Nina, don't eat too many
- chocolates!
- It's my first one!

(It's really not.)
Check out the tree!

All my own work,
thank you very much!

Cards! Presents!

Brazil nuts...that no-one will eat.
Ooh.

It's pink! How can it be pink?
It's had seven hours.

(SPEAKS IN GERMAN)
Mum! Speak English.

I'm Vlogging.
My followers don't speak German.

What followers?
I have followers...

Uncle Blake. Kisses for this.

Where is he?
He's supposed to be helping.

And here, hiding in the bushes,

we see the male
in his natural habitat.

It is the height of mating season,
and alas, he is alone,

for his plumage is not
as colourful as the other males...

and also he is afraid of commitment.

Oh, no, I've forgotten
your Christmas present.

Hang on, no, I haven't.

(WHISTLES, POPS)

My God, that's so sweet of you,
but I've already got one of those.

(WHISTLES, POPS)

(PHONE CHIMES)
- Who was that?
- It's no-one.

Ah! Nah, nah, nah, nah. No, no, no.

Whoa. Did you just dump someone
on Christmas Day?!

No. Maybe. Yeah...

That is quite bad, isn't it?
Yeah! Naughty list for you!

I mean, it wasn't serious.
No, it never is, is it?

That's because all of my love
is reserved for you.

Boop!
Oh, I'm such a lucky girl!

Boop! Go on, then,
turn the lights on.

You turn them on.
No, you do it - it's tradition.

Besides you're a celebrity,
you're in a pop band.

Celebrities turn on the lights.

First of all, I'm not a celebrity,
and it is not a pop band.

(RECORDING OF SANTA PLAYS)
Woo!

I hereby declare the garden
Christmas lights are on. Woo.

Salmonella or not, we are eating
- dinner now!
- Joint selfie.

Uh... Ah.

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

That was last Christmas.
It was brilliant.

I don't think the next one
is going to be as much fun.

Here you go, boss.
- I got you a large.
- Good.

I can tell you're clearly gonna
work out as my new assistant.

Thanks!
Although...

..Battle of the Bands?

Seriously? What were you thinking?

I haven't been out in London
in three years.

So when I said I wanted
you to take me out,

and take me to some new places,
I meant nice places.(CHUCKLES)

The last band are supposed
to be pretty good.

Last band?

How many are there?
Nine.

Jesus.

I'll get you another.

Thank you.
(EMCEE TAPPING MIC)

Ladies and gentleman, please welcome
to the stage, it's Scurve!

ALL: (CHANTING) Kandy, Kandy!

WOMAN: Kandy!
What the f-Sorry.

Yeah, well done, arsehole!
OK, it was an accident.

Blake! We are on!
Oh! Ow!(FEEDBACK RINGING)

Good evening, wankers!

We are Scurve!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(ENERGETIC ROCK)

♪ Who's that crawling
'cross the floor?

♪ Monsters of despair

♪ Who's the vampire spitting blood?
Babylon the Great

♪ Find the power in the...

♪ Twist the pencil in my nose

♪ If I die, I'll live again... ♪

This is horrible!
Let's go and get a drink.

Ranelle has made me
a laughing stock.

No...
People are laughing, Sophie.

Yeah, but only...
Not the nice ones.

There are no nice people
in the music industry!

I'm nice.
Yeah, for now.

Give it a few years.

Maybe we should just go home?

Do you have a...

a boyfriend, Sophie?

Yeah. Dale. He plays bass in
a really cool indie...(GROANS)

-..band.
- Bass player?
Ugh, they're the worst.

You watch him.
Dale's lovely...

Here's some advice.
Don't...date...the talent.

That's a rule now.
Don't...date...the...

..say it, Sophie!
Don't date the talent.

- Yes!
- Yes.
Boys in bands are bastards.

Could I have another one of these...
and whatever she's drinking.

Well...
that was an absolute shower of shit.

Literally - all over us.
Would you like a shit shower, sir?

Oh? Yes, I would.
Do you have a towel?

Yes, I do. It's also made of shit.

Drums sounded good.
Five years.

Five years I've given this outfit,

and we're still playing crappy
venues for peanuts.

Battle of the Bands?
- You booked it.
- Oh...

Shut up, Mark.
Do you know who I blame?

Everyone else?
No, no, no. You.

You haven't written
a good song in ages.

I mean, where's the new Yob Boy?
Or... Or Crucifixation?

You've lost it. Official.

I know it's your band
and everything, but...

if you can't write good songs,
then what are you?

You're just a bass player.
Look, anyone can fucking do that!

You can't.
You know what, if you don't
start pulling your fingers out,

I quit. I quit!

I mean, I'm the only reason
why people come anyway.

Actually, I think your girlfriend's
the only reason people come.

Kandy, I love you.
Kandy, please let us get a photo.

Oi! Mate! Oi! Yeah, you!
Let me buy you both a drink.

In a word...

why don't you piss off?

- Five words.
- We're fine, thanks.
I'm actually in a relationship.

No, you're not.
No, no. I mean um...

because I spilt yours earlier.
W-What happened to your lip?

You hit me...with your guitar...

in my face.
Sorry.

Apart from that, uh...

what did you think...of the band?

OK, if you really want to know...

..I thought...you were shit.

(CHUCKLES) Right, well, that's
just...that's your opinion, so...

Ha. My opinion counts
for quite a lot.

I happen to be a very big deal
in the music business,

and I manage a chart-topping act.

I...
(CHUCKLES)

I...am a big fucking success!

(LAUGHTER)
Woo!

MAN: Big success.
Thank you.

How old are you?

Still thinking it's gonna happen?
The big dream?

It's not going to happen
for you, sweetheart. Just accept it.

(MEN ARGUE)
Boop!

Sophie, I think I'm going
to throw up now.

(VOMITS)

(SHOUTING)

(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, hello.

Oh, no.

Uh... Sorry, I'm...

I'm a bit hazy. Uh...

Who are you? Did we um...

No. You were too drunk.

Oh, thank God!

(STAMMERS) No. I mean um...

I'm sure it would have been um...
You seem uh...

(GRUNTS, FALLS HEAVILY)

Is that sick? Why is there sick here?

I don't know.
OK.

So...

do you fancy
doing it again...sometime?

Not really, no.

Fair enough. Good answer.

It really smells in here.
You should open a window.

(GRUNTS)

Great.

(DOOR CLOSES)
Shit!

- Meghna Rai?What?
- Bobbie Purser,
entertainment. The Sun.

Oh, yeah, hacked any phones lately?
Yeah, yours.

So, what about you
and Ranelle Spear, eh?

Oh, piss off.
Come on.

What's your favourite album track,
is it...is it Quicksand?

(BOBBIE CONTINUES TALKING)
- Morning.
- That guy tries to get in...

- kill him.
- Will do.
(RANELLE SPEAR SONG PLAYS)

Turn that off.

Somebody's tired.
It's jet lag!

(SINGS ALONG WITH MUSIC)
..than loved by you-u-u... Ooh!

Than loved by...
(CHUCKLES)

Sorry.

(STOPS MUSIC)

(GASPING)

(CHUCKLES)
Fair.

Well, Grainger wants to see everyone
in his office.

(GROANS)
When?

Now. He's in quite a bad mood.
(CHUCKLES)

I'll get you a mocha.
- You like a mocha.
- Mm-hm.

(SINGS) Row, row, row your boat...

BOTH: Gently down the stream...

(CHUCKLES)
Uh...

No, Lily, you're supposed
to sing what I'm singing.

'Row, row, row your boat,'

remember? It's a...a round.

Around what?
Cor, you smell funny!

Yeah, well, you look funny.
(ALL OOHING)

You can't say that!
I'm in a wheelchair!

Right, um...no. Sorry.

Sucker!(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, all right. Very funny.

Play us one of your songs.

(STAMMERS) Ah, really?
I don't think we should...

(ALL REPEATEDLY SAY 'PLEASE')

All right, all right.

It's like being mugged by munchkins.

♪ Who's that crawling 'cross
- the floor?
- Monsters of despair!

♪ Who's that vampire spitting blood?
Babylon the Great!

♪ If I die, I'll live again.
Rising from the de-e-e-ep! ♪

Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily...

(WITH DEEP VOICE)
Life is but a dream.

You are ten, right?

(LIGHT APPLAUSE) (BELL RINGS)
That's the end of the lesson, then.

Doesn't time fly?
See you next week.

Bye, Mr Cutter.
I shall count down the hours.

You have a real gift for this.

Honestly, I hate every moment.

I'm only doing it for the money...
and because my sister made me.

How is Carrie?
Interfering.

And Nina?
She's um...

She's Nina.

MAN: (SINGS) Maximum pleasure.
I love Five Together!

They are my absolute favourite
boy band ever.

But who are they, you say?
Well, let me explain.

This is Nina's 100% guide
to the world's greatest boy band -

Five... Together!

Marcus - intense, street.

Voice of an angel. Woo!

Jarel - dancer, rapper, dreamboat.

Just look at those eyes.

D-Wayne - tall.

Also rapping...bit bland.
There's always one, isn't there?

What the F...lex. It's Flex -

cute, shy, tattooed -

so many tattoos.

Dancing - sometimes,
with his shirt off...

(AS FLEX) Hi, Nina. Would you like
to go to Nando's with me?

Let me check my diary, Flex.

Yes, I will!

And finally, K to the E to the V
to the I to the N...

Kevin - least good name,
but best first frontman.

Sensitive, soulful...
and quite short.

Aww. I could put him in my pocket.

(AS KEVIN) I would like
to go in your pocket, Nina.

Kevin, shh. What would Flex say?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
CARRIE: Nina, love, it's time to go.

OK. Anyway, fun fact -

Five Together are managed by a
woman, which is why they're so good.

I'd love to be her.
Her life must be so cool.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

GRAINGER: Get out, Stuart!
Bugger off!

Go on, crawl.

And keep crawling all the way out
of the building and take your
rotten signings with you.

Hey, Meg. Don't mind Stuart,
he's just leaving.

Meg Rai, everyone. Back from across
- the seas to save us.
- Hi.

Someone who understands
how this business actually works,

which is why Meg is now
in charge of Five Together,

who, God bless
their shiny little faces,

are the only UK act keeping Mr Wolf
from our very expensive front door.

Or at least they were.
Why does she get Five Together?

What happened to Steve?
Steve's gone. Steve's dead.

Nobody mention Steve again. Steve
thought it would be a good idea

to let one of the boys
in the band write half the songs
on the new album.

- Oh, yeah, Kevin.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I saw those numbers.

They're not tracking too well.
Don't try to polish it, Meg.

- It's a turd. You can't.
- Yeah, maybe
you should try sleeping with Kevin?

Then, he might write better tunes.
(LAUGHS)

Excuse me?
Worked for Ranelle Spear.

(LAUGHTER)
You know what?
You're both sacked too!

BOTH: What?
Get out. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, you don't have to crawl.
Stuart crawls! You two can hop.

Like little rabbits! Go on, hop!
Go on!(GROANS)

Sorry about that.
That was uncalled for.

Would it work, though,
you sleeping with the singer?

That is not a serious question,
- is it?
- No. Maybe.

No. You know what they're calling
us? Cock-it-up-smiths.

I'd be laughing if I wasn't
constantly trying

to talk my accountant down off
- a ledge.It's that bad?
- Worse.

You know how it works.
I like the boys. Chris and uh...

Kevin.
Kevin and the others.

But if we can't turn it around,
they're gone.

It's panto, Celebrity Big Brother
and rehab for them.

And if they're gone,
then so are you.

(CHUCKLES)
I just got here.

So you have to turn it around.
OK.

How?
Glad you asked.

A Christmas song.

(ANGELIC MUSIC)
A big, stonking Yuletide number one.

(MUSIC STOPS)
- Yeah?
- I don't get it.

(ANGELIC MUSIC)
A Christmas number one!

(MUSIC STOPS)
Really?
Is that even a thing any more?

Yes. Look, Five Together
are our only cash cow.

And I intend to squeeze
every drop of money

out of their tightly
honed little udders

before I send them
to knacker's yard.

('SILENT NIGHT' PLAYS)
I will not be poor, Meg, I will not.

A Christmas song - a number one.

October is looming.
So, you've got a month

to find something fabulous
and get it recorded.

Hey, no pressure,

but I will sack you if you fail.
(MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY)

I-I just feel like one of those
mime artists,

who do that thing
where they walk into the wind.

Except the wind is real.

And I'm walking and I'm walking,
and I'm not getting anywhere.

And no-one's putting money in my hat.

The band's going nowhere.

I'm never gonna make it.

(SIGHS)
It's too late for me...

You're only 34.

Exactly, too late.

Well, I think I may have
said this before...

No, I definitely have.

If it's making you unhappy...

(TOY SQUEAKING)
Quit...the...band.

Ow! I've got a hangover!
There's a surprise.

Fine. Say I do quit the band.
What then?

Figure it out, I guess.
You're the adult...allegedly.

Don't get me wrong.
I love the music.

- Because you're weird.
- Extreme metal
is a valid musical art form.

- For weirdos.
- I can write
- other songs... I have been.
- And?

(SINGS) ..in Satan's garden.

No.
What?

I don't know why
I'm talking to you about this.

You don't know anything about music.
You're half-German.(GASPS)

Beethoven?
Mm.

Kraftwerk?
Hmm.

Er... You've run out, haven't you?

Shut up. At least the bands
I like are successful

and make people happy.
What, like Five Together?

Wow, so mature.

- Well, I am only 34.
- Anyway, you have
to talk to me because I've decided

- you are my new project.
- And what
if I don't want to be your project?

I'm afraid that's not up to you.
Why not?

NURSE: Sorry to interrupt -
medicine time.

Why do you think, doofoid?

No. And your first task
as my new project...

is to write a song...

..for me.

OK.
Go on, then. Crack on.

(WHIMPERING)

They're saying it got worse.

They're going to try
some different treatments.

Right. OK, well...that's good.

That's good, right?

There must be something they...
They're saying it's months,

maybe weeks.

She might not even make it
till Christmas.

(GRUNTS) (YELLS)

(SCREAMS)
(DOG BARKS)

Oh, God, here he is. Late again.

We've been rehearsing for, like,
two hours, man...

Christ, Blake, you look like
my Uncle Gunther

when I found him
four days after he died.

- Ugh.
- Yeah, for sure. I mean,
the cats had been at his face.

It was not good.
That is what you look like.

You all right, mate?
This is called God Killer.

♪ God killer! God killer!

♪ How can you destroy the young
and crush their precious toys?

♪ God killer! God killer!

♪ I hate you for the way that
you burn everything I love

♪ Enough

♪ Persecution...pointless death! ♪

('GOD KILLER' PLAYS ON DEVICE)

♪ Yeah, oh, God killer ♪

- So, what do you think?
- Can you
please not do that again? There
are sick children on this ward.

Sorry. I was just playing Nina
- her song.
- It was horrible.

THAT was my song?
Well, yeah.

Oh.24 Scurve fans in Denmark
gave it the thumbs up.

Did you like it?
Not really.

Was it supposed to cheer me up?
Because it didn't.

- How could it? It was awful.
- I mean,
it's not Ranelle Spear, is it?

- I like him.
- I thought
- it was pretty lit.
- Thanks, mate.

Bit derivative, though.
Kind of early Slayer.

Yeah, all right. Arsehole.

I thought you were going to write
- different songs.
- I know, but...

'Oh, Nina, I wish I could challenge
myself musically more.'

'Oh, Nina, I've have much more
to give as a songwriter.'

'Oh, Nina.'
I don't sound like that.

- Do I?
- Yeah.
I am...

writing different songs, but the band
- doesn't want to...do them.
- So what?

What do you want to do?

Look, I want to be a vet, but I
don't think that's going to happen.

So, whatever it is,
you need to get on with it.

I know. I will.

Good. So write me a nice song,
you twat.

(CHUCKLES)
All right! You gonna
let her talk to me like that?

Yes.
You are a bit of a twat.

OK. Uh... Fine.

What do you want the song
to be about?

(TOY SQUEAKING)
Uh... Unicorns?

Ow! OK. Not unicorns. What, then?

(SIGHS)

Write me a Christmas song.

Really?
Yeah.

OK.

Deal.

(SINGS) It's on its way,
it's nearly here.

That very special time of the year -

it's C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S...

Christmas!
Nope.

(SINGS) Everybody's dancing
at the Christmas party!

No.
(SIGHS)

(SINGS) It's a reggae,
reggae Christmas!

Rice and peace. Rice and peace!

Is he joking? Is that a joke?
..with my papa's jerk turkey.

Oh, Lord!
No, no, no, no, no!

(SINGS) We can build a snowman
out of lo-o-o-ove...

No. We can't.

If you shake those, I'm gonna shove
'em right up your -OK, then!

Thank you so much for coming,
great stuff, just great stuff.

But I didn't get a chance
to play you my song.

No, no, I know, love, but I have
this really good feeling...

We'll be in touch, thank you.

Hey. You could always ask Ranelle.

He might have a song for us.

- No.
- I'll bet you've still got
his number, though, haven't ya?

You really are an arsehole,
aren't you?

Yes, I'm an arsehole...

who pays your wages.

At least I do at the minute.
So uh...tick-tock.

MAN: (SINGS) Maximum pleasure.
(MEN ARGUING)

KEVIN: It should be me
at the front, surely.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Together!
Guys, we've got a whole calendar
to shoot,

we've only done December -
- can we please get a move on!
- Meg.

New girl.
Talk to me. What's happening?

Are Cocksmiths gonna drop us?
What? No. Flex...

will you stop doing push-ups!
(LAUGHS)

Don't bullshit me, Meg.
We really need to get a move on.
- We're only booked till six.
- I know!

Jesus. One hit album
and look at them.

I should have stayed in New York.

I'm not wearing this...or this...
Show me.

..or this.
Look, we're not idiots.

We know the new album's
- not selling well.
- That's not true.

It's doing well in Belgium.
What's Belgium?

They're going to drop us,
aren't they?(CHEERING)

Flex, what are you doing?
Showing Sophie my tattoos.

Check out my latest one.
JAREL: Flex!

(WHOOPING)

Idiot!
- That must've stung.
- Right!

Will everyone just shut up,

and stand in front
of the photographer

for two minutes, please?

Meg, why am I dressed as an elf
and Marcus is Santa? Cos it...

looks like he's more important.
Which he's obviously not...

I'm not gonna take this.

(WHIMPERS)

(SCREAMS)
Also, where's our Christmas song?

I'm working on it.

Because I could write
the arse off that.

The thing is...some people, not me,

thought the songs on the last album
were a little...

(HUMS)

Those songs were hits.

The producer just...
produced them wrong!

(LIFT BELL DINGS)
Maybe. Maybe.

Um... I just...
I need to go out for a think.

Please, Meg, just give me a chance.
(LIFT BELL DINGS)

I'll nail that song.
I'll nail it to the cross!

RANELLE: Hey, babe.

Ranelle?

What are you doing here?

Yeah, I know - awkward, right?

PR tour for the album.

God, man, Brits, they just...they
love themself a piece of Ranelle.

Hey, you going up?
Going down.

Now, that sounds good.
Wow.

Old times' sake.

You know, I could just press
the emergency stop button.

(LIFT BELL DINGS)
(CLANKING)

Do you actually think I'm gonna have
sex with you, in this lift, now?

I mean, yeah.

Maybe she can get involved too.

What is wrong with you
and your penis?

I'm sorry, you do realise
his latest album was all about
our relationship?

Yeah, he called it
It's Not Me, It's You.

Babe, I am an artist, OK?

I have to draw on my reality.

Track one - Lose That Girl.

Track two - Got To Be Free.

Track three -
I Wish She Didn't Love Me So Much.

Track four -
Rather Be Lonely Than Loved By You.

Track five - Quicksand.

(VOCALISES)
Quicksand.

God, I love that track!
It's bullshit.

The way I remember it, IE the facts,

is that you said you loved me
while sleeping with as many women

as you possibly could.

Look at it this way,
I have immortalised you.

(LIFT BELL DINGS) And now,
you will go on to live forever

through my music.
Oh, it's interesting.

Your music doesn't cover
you breaking up with me by text

while screwing my best friend.

I notice you didn't
write a song about that.

Why were you such a dick to me?
(SCOFFS)

Can I refer you to the bonus live
track on the deluxe edition -

Ordinary Sex.
(LIFT BELL DINGS)

Oh, I can't believe
I'm doing this...

(LIFT BELL DINGS)
I don't suppose
you've written any Christmas...

(LIFT BELL DINGS)
Really?!

A...Christmas...

song.

NINA: So, what makes
a great Christmas pop song?

Having some time on my hands,
I've been doing some research.

Did you know that we reached
'peak Christmas song' in the 1970s,

and there have been fewer Christmas
hits every decade since then?

What's wrong with people? Why
aren't the jingle bells rocking?

Isn't Santa Claus coming to town?
Don't they know it's Christmas?

Come on, everyone.
It's not that hard.

This is what you need to make
a perfect Christmas pop song.

One - snow, obviously!

(SINGS) Snow is falling on my head...

I should have worn a...

..hat?

Two - Santa...or Jesus.

But never both,
that's just confusing.

(CROONS) Hey, Santa! What's going on?

Three - the word 'Christmas'
somewhere in the lyrics.

This is a dealbreaker.

Otherwise, it's just a song
and not a Christmas song. Duh!

(SINGS AGGRESSIVELY)

(CLATTERING)
Four!

Hope...for love. Hope for peace.

Hope for the future...

(HIGH-PITCHED) I'm the candy-coloured
pixie with my happy pixie sleigh!

(YELLS)

Funf, funf, funf!
Finally, a bittersweet quality,

evoking a wistfulness
for happier times,

the innocence of Christmases past.

Bittersweet.
(GROANS) (LAUGHS)

(WITH REVERB) Sweet.

Five things, of which
you need at least four

to make your Christmas song a hit.
Let's put it to the test.

Favourite Christmas song?

Ooh... Last Christmas?
Good!

Use of word the 'Christmas'.
Hope for love...

massively bittersweet, and snow -
well, snow in the video.

I Wish It Could Be Christmas
- Every Day.
- Wizzard. Full house.

and bonus - children's cho-o-o-oir.
Classic.

Um... Christmas Night
Of The Zombies by MXPX.

OK...don't know that one.
Oh, it's really cool.

It mentions Christmas. There's snow,
although it is covered in blood.

Also a bittersweet quality, harking
back to a time before the zombies.

(GROWLING EFFECT)
- And hope?
- Yeah.

Hope you don't get
- killed by the zombies.
- Great.

There you have it. You don't need
two drunk tramps in New York having
a row...(BOXING BELL EFFECT)

..just these five things,
and you'll soon have everyone

a-rocking around the Christmas tree.
So what are you waiting for?

Christmas?

Well?

That's more like it.

Are you sure it's not too...
It's beautiful.

And four of the five things.

Five things?
Better not be any swearing in it.

I'm glad you like it.

Yeah.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Please tell me this is a good one.
Who are they, and where are they?

What do you mean, 'is it good?'
Surely you've heard it?

Course I haven't heard it.
Why do you think I'm here?

You emailed me.
You said you found a brilliant song.

No, you emailed me.
What?!

(DOOR OPENS)
Huh?

(BEEPING)
Um...

♪ Looking out my window

♪ What do I see?

♪ Miserable people

♪ Staring at me...

(SHUDDERS)

♪ Just look at all the vagrants

♪ They made my heart bleed

♪ So I give money to the homeless

♪ So I can still sleep

♪ But one day,
things will be different

♪ But until that time

♪ We pray for a miracle

♪ A Christmas miracle

♪ Give succour to the feeble,
feed the hungry people

♪ Behold a miracle

♪ A Christmas miracle

♪ We just need to believe
Yes, yes. So look at my garms

♪ I ain't dressed like no peasant
Whoa.

♪ I'm killing it, I'm smart

♪ Your greatest Christmas present,
I represent the miracle you desire

♪ More swagger than Santa,
and more admired

♪ I won't be twisting up the truth

♪ I won't give you no reason
to doubt me

♪ Yes, I'll spice up your season

♪ You know I paid my dues,
I'll say that in my defence

♪ Let me shower you with gold,
leave out the frankincense ♪

No! Do it like we practised!
Kevin, mate.

The rap's the best bit.
- Right, D?
- Preach.

Can we uh...just um... Chris...

Also, for the music video, we were
- thinking -Chris.
- Who's Chris?

Stop talking.

Meg? A word.

What the holy -
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.

I think Kevin ambushed us.
Zip! This ship's going down, Meg,

and the water, full of sharks!

I'm all right,
I've got a helicopter with Bono.

But you?
You're gonna get torn to pieces.

Killed it.

Find me a song, get it out there.
You've got two weeks, love.

I saw that!
(DOOR OPENS)(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

No.

(SOPHIE GIGGLES)

Sorry, watching YouTube.

We don't pay you to work
this late, Sophie.

You don't pay me at all.
I'm an intern.

Just go home.
OK, but...

there's a girl who's made a vlog

about what makes
a great Christmas song.

It's very funny.
I'm not in a laughing mood.

She's also posted a...
a pretty good original song.

It's by her uncle.

NINA: (ON LAPTOP) It is brilliant...

although, he can be
a dick sometimes.

Plus, he really needs a girlfriend.
(KISSING SOUNDS)

So, if there's anyone out there...
check this out.

(SONG BEGINS)

Yes! Bang! Good!

Excellent! Finally!

Did the kid compose it? Because we
could probably screw her on rights.

No, her uncle.
Ah, who is he?

- No idea.
- Then what are you still
doing here, talking to me?

We need that song. Go find him now!

Hey! And don't sleep with him...
unless you have to.

WOMAN: Hurry up, then, innit!

(MAN YELLING)

(POUNDING MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE)

(MUFFLED SINGING)

(DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

(SINGS) Taste the metal
in my mouth...

(YELLS) Hello!

Love, love. We're in the middle
of a rehearsal here, yeah?

Yeah, sorry, I'm uh...
I'm looking -I know you.

Hmm... No, I-I don't think so.
Yeah...

I hit you in the face,
you...crushed my soul,

pissed on my dreams
and vomited on my shoes.

It was a Wednesday, I think.
(LAUGHTER)

Battle of the Bands?
(SOFTLY) Oh, God.

Hey, good to see you.

How are you? Still a big success?

Did you get the sick
- out of your hair?
- Yes, I did.

Thank you for asking.

Obviously got the wrong room.

- Mm-hm.
- Do carry on
with uh...whatever that was.

Right, one, two...
I...um...

I don't suppose any of you know
- a Blake Cutter, do you?
- Yep.

That's me.
Hilarious.

Seriously, I'm in a bit of a rush.

Do any of you know Blake Cutter?

O...K!

Fabulous! I mean, it's great
to meet you, finally, Mr Cutter.

May I call you Blake?

Look, I...I work for Cocksmiths
Management, and we're...

very, very excited about your song.

God Killer? Right.
Well, yes, I'm Ryan. I am...oop...

the...very much the lead singer.
What's God Killer?

That sounds horrible. No.

I'm talking about
your Christmas song.

Aw, you wrote a Christmas song?
Why?

How do you know about that?
Your niece posted it online.

It really is very good. You know...

not like all this thrashy stuff.

Thrashy stuff?!
Anyway.

Great news!

Five Together
want to record your song!

Five Together!
(SNIGGERING, LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I know.
It's um... It's amazing, right?

Um... What do you think?
Well.

I...I mean, it's a lot to take in.
I know, it's exciting.

And you came all the way
down here to ask me?

Yes, yes, of course I did -
I tracked you down!

Like a little terrier. Ruff!
Yes!

No, I-I mean...
Christmas is coming,

and you know, my job's riding on it.
- Is it?
- Little bit.

Not interested.
One, two, three, four!

Look, I know we haven't gotten off
to the best of starts,

but could you please hear me out?
This is a major recording act

we're talking about who really
want to do your song justice.

Five Together are shit.

Aye.
Fair enough.

Maybe you could park your hatred
of the band for just one moment...

I also hate the venal,
soulless, dead-eyed,

corporate world they represent,
which means you.

Right. OK, but maybe
we could park that too.

You do understand that we're talking
about a serious amount of money?

I don't care about the money.
That was a personal song for Nina,

and I won't have it pissed all over
by a bunch of Brit-school,

talent-show song-puppets
and their corporate shill-handler.

Hey!
You don't know anything about me!

Good. Let's keep it that way.

Van.

What?!
(HORN HONKS)(SCREAMS)

(WHIMPERS)

NINA: (ON TABLET) It is brilliant,
although he can be a dick sometimes.

Plus he really needs a girlfriend.

(KISSING SOUNDS)
Yeah, good luck with that.

So, if there's anyone out there...
check this out.

(SONG BEGINS)

Hm.

Hmm.

♪ Maximum pleasure,
and see the love in me

♪ Back off the pressure,
and feel the energy

♪ Moments to treasure -
let's make some memories

♪ You're not gonna make it alone ♪

What the shit?!
Blake! Oh, my God, what did you do?!

Thank you!
NINA: Oi, you!

Why didn't you tell me Five Together
want to record your song?

Well, I...was going to...obviously.

But it looks like
somebody beat me to it.

Please make them stop singing.
I have a life-threatening condition.

Can I have a word with you...outside?

Yeah, sure.

Good job.

Unbelievable! Of all the disgusting,

slimy, underhand things to do -

using a sick girl to get a song
for your crappy band!

(STAMMERS) I mean, you are... Argh!

OK, I haven't got the time for you
to find the right adjective.

(SOFTLY) I need the song. And
Nina's a massive Five Together fan.

I mean, you should be thanking me.
I'm making you look good.

(LAUGHS)
Look how happy she is.

You don't care about her. That
would involve you having a heart,

instead of a um...
a shrivelled-up husk of...

..diseased muscle that can
only beat when it makes money

or exploits children...
which is what you have!

I'm having that song.
Never gonna happen.

There he is, my uncle...the genius.

Look, um...

Sorry, could we...
could we get a little room?

(LAUGHS)

You don't really want these guys
to record the song, do you?

I mean, it was just for you -
sort of...personal.

Yes, and now Five Together
want to record it!

Yeah...but...but is it...

is it a Five Together song?

It is now. Besides...

you wrote it for me,
so technically, it's mine.

Yeah... And anyway, you said you
wanted to write different songs -

now you have the biggest band in the
country wants to record one of them.

What's wrong with you?
Are you an idiot?

Fine.

You can have the song.
(EXCITED CHATTER)

Yes... Yeah!
Thank you.

No, I mean, thank you.
But I have one proviso.

What's a proviso?

All the money
goes to a cancer charity.

- I'm sorry, excuse me?
- What's that?
No disrespect - that's ridiculous.

Cancer?
Sure.

Good.
I also have one proviso.

O...K.

My uncle gets to produce the record.

Well, I mean... Yeah, I'm not sure...
(MUTTERING)

(SINGSONGY)
I've got terminal cancer.

Sure, no problem.
- Yeah.
- OK!

Good. So, we start on Monday.
Will you be at the recordings?

Mm-hm. I will be - why?
No reason.

ACCOUNTANT: (OVER PHONE)
Whatever way we look at it,

we're gonna need to get something
that's gonna keep us afloat.

It's a serious situation, Grainger.
We're going to need more money.

Yes, I'm aware that
we need a cash injection!

There must be something you can do!

'I've given you every idea!'
You're the accountant!

'I know that, I'm trying to help.
You do have a huge chateau
in France.'No.

I'm not selling the house in France.
'OK, listen...'

And that yacht
has sentimental value!'Yes, OK.'

Bono gave me that yacht!'Yes, OK,
listen. Let me see -' (PHONE RINGS)

Hang on a minute.'Let me see
if there's some more loopholes.'

What?
(OVER PHONE) It's ours.

You got it?
'Yep!'

Brilliant, Meg.'But he wants
all the money to go to charity.'

He wants all the money
to go to charity?

Hang on a minute.
(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)(GRUNTS)

'Grainger?'
(GRUNTING)

'Grainger.'
(POPPING) (WHISTLING STOPS)

Sure, no problem, love.

Whatever it takes.
'I heard that!'

All right.'I heard that.
Grainger, I heard that! I did!

I heard it! If it goes to charity,
we're all doomed!'Don't panic.

'Grainger...'

You're seriously choosing
Five Together over Scurve?

Our tour starts in two days!
Yeah. You sell us up the river,

I think, hmm? Why don't you
just bend over and let the Man

give it to you with
his big corporate money schlong!

OK, well, thanks for being
so understanding.

Guys, he's doing it for Nina.
Is he, Mark? Is he?

Or does he just wanna... Ooh!
Go hang out with Simon Cowell?

Go water-skiing on Necker Island
with bloody...

..Dua Lipo?

Like you said...
anyone can play the bass.

Not like you.
Oh, don't cry, Mark.

Don't cry, mate.
Don't worry, we'll find someone.

We'll find someone who's committed.
Not like Mr Sellout over here.

Whatever. Enjoy the tour.

Thank you.
Yeah, we will, mate!

It'll be the best bloody tour yet
cos you're not in it!

All right, and when you're done with
all your little jingly bells, yeah,

don't bother coming back!

Bass players, man!
Yeah.

Don't think I will.

(DOOR CLOSES)

MAN: (SINGS) Maximum pleasure.
NINA: What's that sound?

Only my uncle's brilliant Christmas
song being recorded! Exciting!

(CHEERING EFFECT)
What say we check
out the studio and meet the players?

Best boy band in the world - check.

ALL: (VOCALISING) Hello...

Nina!

Nice! Oh, my God!
Actual gold discs! And knobs.

Lady who knows what the knobs do.

It's Michaela.
Michaela!

This arrangement is all wrong.
It needs to be simple.

No, Five Together
are an urban act... These two...

bickering like an old married
couple. Creative tension!

Dare I say chemistry?
- Are you gonna film everything?
- Yes.

Flex, do your abs again!

(CUCKOO EFFECT)
(STAMMERS) OK, that is inappropriate!

Come on, just sit down.

You're going to knacker yourself out.

Right, do you want a drink
or something?

Are you warm enough?
I'm fine. Stop fussing.

He's so caring.

Single too.
Yeah, all right, that's enough
about me. At least eat something...

MARCUS: (SINGING)
Mi mi mi mi mi mi...

(VOCALISES) Christmas lights...

What's that?
He's just warming up.

As long as he doesn't
sing the song that way.

(MUSIC STARTS)

(SINGS) Christmas lights,
Christmas morning.

(VOCALISES DRAMATICALLY)
Unique snowflakes slowly falling...

(STAMMERS) Uh... Marcus?
What? I've just started.

(STAMMERS) Yeah, I'm uh...

I'm not sure I wrote quite
so many notes in the...

the first four words.
This is better.

What I'm doing's better.
It's great, Marcus.

Thanks, sweetheart.
Uh... Could we just try it simpler...

you know, as written?

Absolutely! You're the producer.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(VOCALISES DRAMATICALLY)
Christmas lights, Christmas morning.

Welcome to my world.

(VOCALISES) ..falling...
No.

(VOCALISES)
No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Huh?

(SINGS) ..mas lights.
No, no, no.

(LAUGHS)
(KNOCKING ON GLASS)

I don't want to go.

You mustn't tire yourself out.

Why not?

(SIGHS)

Well...what was...all that...

..incredibly unsubtle
matchmaking earlier?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Because that is not
a thing that's happening.

She's really nice.

Hmm, is she?

Yeah! She's pretty,
she's successful...

I bet she's well rich.
(SIGHS)

Are you intimidated
by powerful women?

Can we just drop it?
(CHUCKLES) Come on.

I bet you like her a little bit,
don't you?

I know you do.

Honestly...

I'd rather eat broken glass.

I'd rather listen to Five Together's
debut album

on a constant loop forever.

I'd rather insert
this entire mic stand up my bum...

..than be romantically
involved with that woman. (GRUNTS)

Methinks he doth protest too much.

(FEEDBACK)
Just so you know,
the mic is actually still on,

so...

Yeah, just...

(CHUCKLES)
Sorry.

ALL: (SINGING) Winter winds
are blowing...

It's going well. Yeah.

- We should be fine.
- Will you
share every Christmas... Stop.

Stop, stop. Sorry, sorry.
(MUSIC STOPS)

Um... No, no, no, no, no, no.

Why do you keep interrupting?
What was that? We don't need that.

- BVs, man.
- Well, it sounded good
to me. I think we've got it.

Yeah?
No, no, we don't.

Um... Could we all just sing the same
line as Marcus, but in harmony?

Thank you.
Uh... Yeah, no. That's my line.

I'm the lead singer.
Well, I mean, that's not...

We're both kind of the lead.

Yeah, no, sure. Yeah. We're both...
(I'm the actual lead singer.)

Sorry, what was that?
I mean, I sing lead sometimes.

You sang on one track on
- the first album.
- Very much filler!

You got that last take, didn't you?
Yeah, yeah - it's in the bank.

(CLEARS THROAT)
OK, everybody,

let's just try one Blake's way.
He is the producer, after all.

Thank you.
MARCUS: Such bullshit.

♪ Ours was a burning love

♪ Which I vividly...
BOTH: ..remember

♪ That time in my crib
back in mid.....December

♪ You rode to mine
on your brother's motor.....cycle

♪ And I sang to you like I was
channelling George.....Michael

♪ And now when I hear the sound
of ringing sleigh.....bells

♪ Hot nuts, yes

♪ You remember how they smell ♪

Can I get you anything?
(GASPS)

(SIGHS)
A gun?

- Sing it like it's written!
- Have you
had a platinum-selling album?

Sing it like it's written!
Who even are you...even?

They're singing the wrong words.
No, we're singing better ones

because we're artists.
That's the process. We're
all professionals here...unlike you.

Do you have any idea what
you're actually singing about?

What this song means? Because...
Because I do. Because I wrote it.

And you're just fucking it up!
OK, OK, let's just take a break.

And you're not even the best singer.
He is!

Thanks, man.
Not you. Him.

Yes! All killer no filler!

Did he just say I'm not
the best singer?

OK, let's definitely take
- a break now.
- With pleasure.

(DOOR OPENS, SLAMS)

(SIGHS)

Hmm?

We'd like a word...in private.

(SCOFFS)
Oh, uh...

(STAMMERS) I'm sorry,
are you trying to intimidate me?

Cos uh... I should point out
that you're a boy band...

and therefore, not very intimid-

(YELLS)
(DUCT TAPE TEARING)

Look, this song.

Now, I get that you're all...

emotionally involved in it
and stuff.

But it's our song now,
so stop being a dick,

and let us do it our way.

Because we're gonna do it anyway.

So, why bother fighting it, yeah?

Exactly, co-operation.

Think about Nina.
She's excited about this, yeah?

And you want her to be happy,
don't you?

So, now,
we're gonna go back downstairs,

you're gonna keep your mouth shut...

and leave it to the big boys.

Or else...show him, D-Wayne.

(THUDDING, CAR ALARM WAILS)
Sorry, man!

MEG: What the hell do you think
you're doing?!(MAN YELLING)

- Get back downstairs now!
- You know
you're not actually our boss, Meg,

so you can't tell us what to do.
Now.

Little shits!

(MUMBLING)
OK?

Ow!
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

There's nothing like being tortured
by a Poundland One Direction!

You know what, I'm done.

Yeah, I'm gonna get a drink, and
I'm gonna listen to some real music.

You produce the song.

I already am.

You really didn't think I was gonna
leave this up to you, did you?

This was supposed to be a special
thing between me and Nina.

And then you came along,
and...and you ruined it

just so you could save your job.
Well, congratulations, you have.

And I hope you go on to make many
more wonderful records

with such inspiring artists!

I hope you're very proud of yourself.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?
NINA: (OVER PHONE) Hi, it's Nina.

How's it going?
Er... How did you get this number?

'Uh... Yeah, I might have nicked it
off Blake's phone.

Yeah, I was trying to get hold of
him, but he's not answering.'

He's just um...talking to the boys.

'Really?

Cos it says on my Snap
he's in the Black Door Club

round the corner from you.'

Yes, that's right.
He was just talking to the boys,

and now he stepped out
to get some...

(MOUTHING)
..sandwiches and...

(MOUTHING)
..falafel...

for the boys.

'I miss the boys.
Tell them I miss them.'

Will do.

'And thank you for this -
for, you know, choosing his song...

for letting him produce it. I think
it might be just what he needs.

Can't wait to hear it! Bye!'
Bye.(DISCONNECT TONE)

(SIGHS)

I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

(SOFTLY) Yep.

OK, boys. Shall we go again?

(MUFFLED MUSIC, SHOUTING)

Hey. Tracked you down again.

This place is still horrible.
Mind if I join?

Sure, feel free.

Compound my misery.

We finished the recording -
just the mix to do.

How did the rap come out?
We cut the rap.

I'm not a complete moron.

You're a complete something.
OK...

I admit...bringing the boys
to the hospital was a shitty move.

- Yeah, it was.
- Well, it isn't
the first shitty move I've pulled,

and it probably won't be the last.

I work in the music industry.

I just hope Nina likes it.
That's all that matters.

She'll love it...because
it's a brilliant song, and...

you should feel so proud.

You've done a good thing,
and you're a good uncle.

EMCEE: Put your hands together,
everybody. (CHEERING)

It's the band you've been
waiting for. It's Cholera! (FEEDBACK)

(HEAVY DRUMMING)
What?

(POUNDING METAL MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT SINGING)

(ROARS)

Welcome to my world!

You're joking, right? I'm not
- going in there!
- Yes, you are.

Then we're quits for what
you did at the hospital.

OK? Come on, it'll be fun! Come on.

(SCREAMS)

(AGGRESSIVE VOCALS)

(LAUGHS)

Seriously, these are all about you?
All of them.

Quicksand?!
Ooh, I've gotta hear that one.

Oh! No, it's not funny!

Sorry...no.

It is quite funny, though.

And to think...

I gave him his first break.

Yeah, well, I hate him.
Not as much as I hate him.

I went round to his apartment
one morning,

thought I'd surprise him
with breakfast,

and my best friend Amy
opens the door half-naked.

Wow. Now I really hate him.

Plus, I've always thought
that when he sings,

he...he sounds a bit like
a strangled otter.

He does sound like
a strangled otter.(LAUGHS)

Thank you!

(MIMICS RANELLE)
I would rather be lonely...

BOTH: ..than loved by you.

(LAUGHTER)

(MOCKINGLY) ..than loved by you.

(LAUGHS)
That is a good impression of him.

And a strangled meerkat...
both of them.(LAUGHS)

So that would make you...35?

Close enough.
First song you ever bought?

Ooh. Hit Me Baby One More Time.

Ah, it's pop gold.

Uh... Your favourite album?

Too hard. I'd have to give you
at least three,

and they change on a daily basis.
(CHUCKLES)

Maybe someday, I will like
your thrashy metal-stuff thingy too.

No, I'm joking...
of course I never will.

Yeah, you will.
Ah, living in a dream world.

(LAUGHS)
Well, this is me.

Uh... Well...thank you.

Yeah, well, I actually live nearby.

Yeah, you know where that murder
was the other week?

And then I think they busted
that crack den. Yeah.

Just round from there. Nice place.

Up and coming.
(CHUCKLES)

Yes. Well...

..good night.
Night.

(CHUCKLES)

OK...I'm not gonna kiss you.

I have this new rule -
no dating artists.

No, no, no. Obviously. Sensible.
Mm.

Yeah, I'm actually working
on a new rule myself. Um...

No more meaningless one-night stands.

- Mm.
- Not that that's what
this would have uh... (CHUCKLES)

Yeah...
let's just keep things professional.

Exactly.
Definitely.

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC)
(BIRDS TWEETING)

(SOFTLY) Oh, no.

(MUSIC AND TWEETING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMS)
(MUSIC STOPS)

(GROANS, THUDS)
Good morning!

Dammit.

Sorry...um...
forgot you were there.

Are you OK?

(MUFFLED) Fine. Fine.

(THUDS)

MAN: Morning.

Hurry up! You're late!
I'm coming! I'm coming!

OK, OK, OK. Um...
Before we go in...

let's be clear,
last night was a mistake.

Yeah, absolutely. Uh...

You're really fit.

- No!
- No, no, no.
I mean all the running and uh...

Well, but that too...

Professional.
Exactly.

Definitely.

(GASPS)

MAN: Standing by!
Oh!

- Hey!
- Hi, Carrie.
CARRIE: Hello.

Hi, Nina.

So, you're late...together.

Wait. Two...together?

(BOTH MUMBLE NERVOUSLY)

We just take the same...bus.
-..train.
- Train.

Um... Shut up?

I wanna go in the middle.
You're not getting in the middle.

(ARGUMENT CONTINUES)
- Sorry, I just... Yeah.
- Boys?

- So, how's it going?Brilliant!
- We
get to watch through the monitors.

Ooh, great.

As long as they don't make it snow.

WOMAN: And cue the snow machines!

(CHUCKLES)
(MACHINE WHIRRING)

♪ Christmas lights,
Christmas morning

♪ Unique snowflakes slowly falling

♪ Like your smile that is calling

♪ Me back to you

♪ As I search through my feelings

♪ All I find is the longing

♪ To stay

♪ In this perfect moment with you

♪ The honesty you taught me
and the way in which you love me

♪ It's so clear now

♪ My friend

♪ We've come this far

♪ ALL: Winter winds

♪ Are blowing in

♪ Will you share every Christmas
with me, my darling...

How are you doing?

I love Christmas songs.

Ah, no kidding.

Yeah, you know, I think there's
something magical about them

that always takes you back
to a happy place.

I guess because it reminds you
of the people you love.

♪ ..Christmas Day is dawning

♪ If you're gone

♪ Before I wake
Before I wake

♪ I'll remember you as you are

♪ This Christmas morning

♪ This Christmas morning ♪

Thank you.
You're welcome.

(ENGINE STARTS)

OK, then.
So...you and Meg. What's the shiz?

(LAUGHS)
The what?

Kissing status. Wha gwan?

Nothing. She's um...

It's a professional relationship.

Yeah...which ends today.

Everything's done - song, video...

Yeah.
So? Do you like her?

Yes. Yes, I think I do.

Then, tell her, you idiot.
Oh, my God.

Yeah, you really are an idiot.

OK. Bye, then.

ALL: Bye!
(HORN HONKS)
You better tell her!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MOUTHING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(DOOR CLOSES)
(ZIPS UNFASTEN)

Great song, man.

Thanks, man.
We are gonna be so-o-o rich.

Grainger said...
he's gonna get us all cars.

I'm gonna get a Smart car.
Cos they're small...

..and you can park them really easy.

I'm not a confident parker.

(DOOR OPENS)
Yeah, well, I mean...

all the money's going to charity,
so... Yeah, OK.(DOOR CLOSES)

What's going on?

You're not supposed to tell anyone.

We can tell him.
Especially not him.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, man.

Forget everything I just said.

Wooo... Boop!

(ZIP FASTENS)

(DOOR OPENS)

MEG: Yep, all done,
and it looks great.

Hey, Grainger, hang on one sec. Hey!

There you are. I was thinking...

maybe it wouldn't hurt
to have one drink.

Are you kidding me?
Sorry?

When were you gonna tell me?

Tell you what?
Jesus.

I bet you only slept with me
to keep me sweet

while you finished cranking out
this musical turd!

Yeah, just like you said, not the
first shitty thing you've ever done,

and it won't be the last.

Charity, my arse!

Grainger?

(BLAKE'S SONG PLAYS)

(SOBS)

Kandy?
The tour is over.

Ryan and I have split.

What, again?
(SOBS)

It's for good this time.

He's such an asshole.

Can I stay at yours tonight?

I can't go back to our place.
(SOBS)

Yeah. Yeah. Why not? Yeah.

I could do with the company.
(SOBS)

I'll just uh...get my keys.

All right.

A nice cup of whiskey.

(SIREN WAILS)

(CHURCH BELL RINGS)

(PRESSES BUZZER)

Look, I just -
Uh-huh.

- It is you.
- Oh...
What do you want?

Is... Is Blake here?
No.

He went to get me breakfast.

We were up all night, so...

now we are hungry.
You know how it is.

Yes.

He is pissed off with you,
let me tell you.

Then, in that case...

..can you tell him from me...
I'm sorry.

I didn't know anything
about the money.

And I've actually quit my job.

Now, he can't get the song back,

not without stumping up
a huge amount of money

to cover Cocksmiths' costs...

but he can record a version of his
own, and I can help him release it.

It's a good story, and with
the right kind of publicity,

it could sell,
and that money will go to charity.

It's the least I could do.
Ja, you said it.

So...will you tell him?
Ja, I tell him.

I'm not stupid.

No...but I clearly am.

OK, goodbye, corporate lady bitch.

Hey!
MARK: Hey, man. You all right?

- Thanks for coming.
- Always.
- How you doing?
- Good.

Hey.

MAN: Can I see your pass, please?
No.

- Come on, Mark.
- Hm?
Let's get set up.

So...they chewed you up
and spat you out.

Yeah.
- And we're the cavalry.
- Is that cool?

Are we cool?
Hey, listen. I'm always cool, mate.

Nina here?
No. No, she's...

..she's pretty tired.
Right, well...

..let's do her and her uncle proud.

Yeah?

(SINGS SCALE)
Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma.

Dame Judy Dench. Dame Judy Dench.

Matt LeBlanc.
In we go to Cocksmiths Records.

..coming in. So, yeah. And just
- low on the drums, please. Yeah.
- Hey!

Hi.
Thanks for doing this.

No problem. Felt I owed it to Nina.

(STAMMERS) Did you really
quit your job?

Yes.

Sorry.
No. I'm not.

I can't help but feel
a bit...responsible.

Oh, no. You don't owe me anything.

I don't owe you anything,
so let's just...

Look, I had to call in a lot
of favours to set this up, and...

we haven't got much time.
So let's just get going.

OK.
Good.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(DOOR OPENS)

Ah! My chorus! Guys, how you doing?
You all right?

Come in. Come in.
Are we ready to rock?

Small people?

Oh, Blake. Kinder?

GAYLE: And here's your Uncle Blake.
OK.

Let's do this the way it should have
been done, OK? Wish us luck!

- Nah, you've got this.
- Have you got
- this, Mrs Scorsese?
- Yes, maestro.

- What?
- When I'm older,
I wanna be just like you.

(TUTS)
In your dreams, little girl.

(SOFTLY) There can be only one.

You sure you don't wanna
- sing it yourself?
- Nah.

You're a better singer than me.

Just uh...nice and simple, yeah?

Yeah, don't worry. I've got it.

Good luck, kids. Here we go.

(MUSIC STARTS)

♪ Christmas lights,
Christmas morning

♪ Unique snowflakes slowly falling

♪ Like your smile

♪ That is calling me back to you

♪ As I search through my feelings

♪ All I find
is the longing to stay

♪ In this perfect moment with you

♪ The honesty you've taught me
and the way in which you love me

♪ It's so clear now

♪ My friend

♪ We've come this far

♪ Winter winds

♪ Are blowing in

♪ Will you share every Christmas

♪ With me, my darling?

♪ If you're gone

♪ Before I wake

♪ I'll remember you as you are

♪ This Christmas morning ♪

(WITH IRISH ACCENT)
Congratulations! You've made it
through to the live final!

(CHEERING)
All right!

Well done, guys. Well done.

So um...well, we're all going
for a drink. Do you...

-..want to come?
- Nah. I wouldn't
want to cramp your style.

- What?
- Besides,
I've got far too much to do.

OK, well...maybe another time?

Uh-huh.

Sounds really great, by the way.

(DOOR OPENS)

The piano sounds really good.

SANTA: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas.
OK, I think I'm ready.

You've got it the wrong way.
Oh...sorry, hang on.

Am I in properly?

Yeah, you're good. You look good.

Liar.
OK, and...action!

I hate Five Together.

Yeah, they're shit!(FART EFFECT)
Want to get a Christmas song?

Then, buy this one...by Scurve -

where all the proceeds
really go to a cancer charity.

(TWINKLING EFFECT)

What are you doing?
N-Nothing.

GRAINGER: You just made
the biggest mistake of your life!

I'll crush you!
I'll smite thee from on high

with my mighty...legal hammer!

Why?
We had a contract!

Oh, yes, contract.

Yes...wasn't signed though, was it?

'It was all a bit of a rush.'
Ha!

(PAPERS RUSTLE)

Phooey.
(GRUNTS)

Fine. Go and make
your little record.

No-one's gonna hear it. Once
you've raised your £100 for charity,

if you're lucky you can look out
from your golden tower of...

..principles and see your career
vanishing over the horizon.

'Bye-bye, success. Bye-bye, money.'

Bye-bye, Grainger.

Entertainment desk, please.

Hi, is this Bobbie Purser?

It's Meg Rai.

No, no...it's not about
Ranelle Spear.

But I do have something for you.

It's about Five Together.

(GAYLE SINGS 'O TANNENBAUM' SOFTLY)

(BEEP)
(ON VOICEMAIL) Hey, Meg, it's Blake.

Everything's gone a bit mad!
How you doing?

Give us a call.
(BEEP)

(WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Hello, this is Vladimir Putin.

Let's get topless together
and wrestle a grizzly bear.

No, it's Blake...obviously.

Please call me.

RECORDED VOICE: Message deleted.
(BEEP)

RANELLE: (ON VOICEMAIL)
Meg. It's Ranelle.

Look, I really need to see you.
I know it's Christmas Eve tomorrow,

but can we meet?
Please, it's really important.

Gin and tonic, please.
MAN: Right away, madam.

(MAN LAUGHS)
(PHONE VIBRATES)

Yeah, hi. Meg's phone.

Ranelle Spear, who's this?

Blake?

Yeah, well, sorry, Blake. Um...

She's actually in the shower
because we...we just had sex.

So um...want me to get her
to call you back or...?

Hello?

Hello?
Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SCOFFS)

So...why are we here?

I'm heading back to the West Coast.

You should come with me -
hang, you know?

Soak up some of that sweet
- Cali sunshine.With you?
- Yes.

You know, I was thinking that...

..we should get back together.
- Wow.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I know. (MIMICS EXPLOSION)
Bombshell, right?

But it'd be cool, no?
Cool because... OK.

Look, look. Look, so I know
that I didn't exactly treat you...

OK, um...
(CLEARS THROAT)

So, maybe...perhaps, I was a bit...

(SIGHS)
Keep going, you can get there...

I think I should have maybe...

..appreciated you a bit more.

You should have.

Yeah.

I can't write. Nothing's coming.

I've got to make a start
on the new album, and...

(LAUGHS)
I-I can't think...of anything.

How about a concept album about
an arrogant, heartless arsehole?

Oh...yes! You've got ideas, Meg!
You're my muse.

You are my muse!
Come and be my muse again, huh?

Look, the record label
are seriously on my back.

What do you say? Say yes.

Yes. Come on, just say yes.
Say it. Say it.

Ranelle.
Yeah?

I'd rather be lonely
than be loved by you.

OK. So...what does that mean?

It's your own...

Never mind. I have to be somewhere.

And finally,
a real David and Goliath story.

Chart-topping boy band Five Together

go head-to-head with obscure
grindcore metal band Scurve

in a race for the Christmas
number-one spot with the same song.

Blake Cutter of Scurve,
who wrote the song,

decided to release his band's
own version when he discovered

that the money from
the Five Together single

was not, in fact, going to charity.

(CLAMOURING)
Look, look. No, look, look.

This has been
grossly misrepresented.

Of course, some of the money will
be going to a designated charity.

What am I, a monster?
Now, get out of my way.

JOE LYCETT: (ON RADIO) Welcome
to the nation's most exciting

Christmas countdown with me,

the nation's most exciting DJ,
Joe Lycett.

This is where we find out
who is going to take hold

of that always-cherished position,
the number-one song spot

on Christmas Day.
We've all been asking the question -

will it be the world's favourite
boy band Five Together,

or could it be those
not so well-known purveyors
of grindcore Scurve?

Hi.

Just went up to see Nina.

You're not sticking around
for the...countdown, then?

No. I have to go.
Oh.

Back to Ranelle Spear.

What?
Yeah, I called you.

He answered.

Said you'd just had sex.
And you believed him?

Do you really think that would
be something I would do?

Er... He tried
to sleaze his way back to me,

and I told him where to get off.

Oh. So...

Why do you even care?
You're with Kandy now.

What? No. Wh-What?!
ONLOOKERS: Oh, no.

Terrible.
I'm not!

Well, she answered the door
to me, half-naked.

You were getting her breakfast.
You'd both been up all night

and were so hungry!
No. no. That was just...

She was upset.
Yeah. I thought you were different.

Clearly, I was wrong.
No! No.

She'd just broken up with Ryan. She's
always walking around half-naked!

She's German.
(MUTTERING)

Do you know what?

Doesn't really matter.

I'm... I'm going back to New York.

A friend of mine is setting up
a new label and offered me a job,

and I've taken it, so um...

New York?

Oh, but I thought that maybe we...

What? I told you.

I don't date artists.

You should go up and see Nina.

Meg!

(SIGHS)

Shit!
RADIO: All right, folks.

It's nearly time to reveal who's
gonna be Christmas number one.

Where've you been?
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

He's my boyfriend.
OK.

(CHUCKLES)
Meg was here.

I know. I saw her.

And? Did you tell her how you feel?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

And?
(CHUCKLES)

I knew I was right about you two.
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you called it.

RADIO: So the question
on everyone's lips,

have Five Together scored
the number one,

or did Scurve
achieve the improbable?

With two new entries to reveal,
the nation's Christmas top ten

looks and sounds
something like this.

At ten, Coldplay with Indigo Snow.

At nine, Olly Murs with
Bang, There Goes My Heart.

At eight, Justin Bieber
with God Complex.

At seven, Ed Sheeran
with Unnecessary Boyfriend.

Sixth, Unbreakable, it's Dua Lipa.

At five, it's the Little Drummer
Boy... Come on, lads!

..Little Mix and Snoop Dogg.

Number four, the cast of Gogglebox
with The Sun Always Shines On TV.

At three,
Ranelle Spear - Goodbye, Baby.

So here we are -

two records left, and I can reveal

they are both the same song.
Come on. Come on.

Who's it gonna be? This year's
Christmas number one is...

..Five Together!
(CHEERING)

I'm sorry.

What for?

They beat us.

All I wanted
was a nice Christmas song.

You wrote me a hit.

You got the first spot
and the second!

Don't you realise
how amazing that is?

They were always going to beat us.

What were you hoping for?

A miracle?

PASTOR: I'd like to welcome
everybody here today

to celebrate the extraordinary life
of Nina Cutter.

♪ Winter winds

♪ Are blowing in

♪ Will you share

♪ Every Christmas with me,
my darling?

♪ Christmas lights,
Christmas morning

♪ Unique snowflakes slowly falling

♪ Like your smile

♪ That is calling me back to you

♪ As I search through my feelings

♪ All I find is the longing

♪ To stay

♪ In this perfect moment with you

♪ The honesty you've taught me

♪ And the way in which you love me

♪ It's so clear now

♪ My friend

♪ We've come this far

♪ Winter winds

♪ Are blowing in

♪ Will you share every Christmas

♪ With me, my darling?

♪ If you're gone

♪ Before I wake

♪ I'll remember you as you are

♪ This Christmas morning

♪ One can flick through the photos

♪ Memories for tomorrow

♪ Turn the lights on

♪ Like we've done every year

♪ Distant bells, new horizons

♪ In your heart, don't be frightened

♪ You taught me to be lighter

♪ Through the storm

♪ The honesty you taught me
and the way in which you love me

♪ It's so clear now

♪ My friend

♪ We've come this far

♪ Winter winds

♪ Are blowing in

♪ Will you share every Christmas

♪ With me, my darling?

♪ If you're gone

♪ Before I wake

♪ I'll remember you as you are

♪ This Christmas morning

♪ (VOCALISING)

♪ (VOCALISING CONTINUES) ♪

(MUSIC ENDS)
(CHURCH BELLS RING)

NINA: Look at this.

Isn't it beautiful?

You know, I thought
I should do this before it's...

(SIGHS)
..you know...

..too late?

But I just want to say...
I've had a great life.

I've got a loving family.

And hey, I've been me,
and I'm pretty cool.

I've been having a think,

and here are Nina's rules
for living your life.

Number one,
if you wanna do something,

do it. Do it now.

Number two,
why be sad if you can be happy?

Number three, recycle.

Come on, people,
climate change is real.

And number four...

if you love someone, tell 'em.
(TWINKLING EFFECT)

(HORN HONKS)

MAN: The heartbeat chases -
run, escape her.

Write the words down on the paper.

And Atlas himself shrugged!

The fury, the rage.

I turn away.

I turn the page. Peace.

(MIC FEEDBACK)
(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

OK, I think that's enough

slam poetry and ukulele players
for me tonight.

Thank you, so much,
for bringing me...

and also paying me.
(LAUGHS)

You're very welcome.

But I'm very tired,

and I'm gonna go home.

At least stay for the last act.
Apparently, they're really good.

♪ Why can't I be someone stronger?

♪ Be someone other

♪ Than I've been before?

♪ Why can't I be someone wiser?

♪ Where's my advisor

♪ When I can't be sure?

♪ Cos you've made me

♪ Want to share what I'm feeling

♪ Even though I don't have a clue

And now you're here

♪ Can you come nearer?

♪ So I can be clearer

♪ That I've fallen for you?

♪ (VOCALISING)

♪ (VOCALISING CONTINUES)

♪ I wasn't sure

♪ When I first met you

♪ Had to reject you

♪ From coming too close

♪ But you made me smile
like no other

♪ Helped me recover

♪ From what hurt me most

♪ So give me a chance

♪ To advance this situation

♪ Even though

♪ We thought we were through

♪ But now you're here

♪ Coincidentally

♪ It's not accidentally

♪ That I've fallen for you

♪ (VOCALISING)

♪ (VOCALISING CONTINUES)

♪ (VOCALISING)

♪ (VOCALISING CONTINUES)

♪ (VOCALISING)

♪ (VOCALISING CONTINUES)

♪ (VOCALISING) ♪

♪ One can flick through the photos

♪ Memories for tomorrow

♪ Turn the lights on

♪ Like we've done every year

♪ Distant bells, new horizons

♪ In your heart, girl,
don't be frightened

♪ You taught me to be lighter

♪ Through the storm

♪ The honesty you've taught me
and the way in which you love me

♪ It's so clear now

♪ My friend

♪ We've come this far

♪ Winter winds

♪ Are blowing in

♪ Will you share every Christmas

♪ With me, my darling?

♪ If you're gone

♪ Before I wake

♪ I'll remember you as you are

♪ This Christmas morning

♪ Winter winds

♪ Are blowing in

♪ Will you share every Christmas

♪ With me, my darling?
Snowflakes slowly falling

♪ Christmas Day is dawning

♪ If you're gone

♪ Before I wake
Before I wake

♪ I'll remember you as you are

♪ This Christmas morning

♪ This Christmas morning ♪

♪ Rather be lonely, I'd rather
be lonely than loved by you

♪ Rather be lonely, I'd rather
be lonely than loved by you

♪ Than loved by you

♪ Than loved by

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Than loved by you ♪

♪ Check out the tsunamis

♪ Out in the East

♪ Conspiracy theories

♪ The sign of the beast

♪ Robots in the workplace

♪ Taking our jobs

♪ Here's a shoutout to the losers

♪ Cos no-one dates a slob

♪ But one day,
things will be different

♪ But until that time

♪ We look for a miracle

♪ A Christmas miracle

♪ Santa's bringing presents
to billionaires and peasants

♪ They all need a miracle

♪ An old-school miracle

♪ We just need to believe

♪ Yes, yes, so look at my garms,
I ain't dressed like no peasant

♪ I'm killing it, I'm smart,
your greatest Christmas present

♪ I represent the miracle you desire

♪ More swagger than Santa
and more admired

♪ I won't be twisting up the truth

♪ I won't give you no reason
to doubt me

♪ Yes, I'll spice up your season

♪ You know I've paid my dues,
I'll say that in my defence

♪ Let me shower you with gold,
leave out the frankincense

♪ We pray for a miracle

♪ A Christmas miracle

♪ Give succour to the feeble

♪ Feed the hungry people
Oh, sugar

♪ Behold a miracle

♪ A Christmas miracle

♪ We just need

♪ To believe ♪

ALL: (CHANTING) Five Together,
Five Together, Five Together,

Five Together, Five Together,
Five Together, Five Together,

Five Together, Five Together,
Five Together! (LAUGHTER)

(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC)

RANELLE: Huh.

This is Ranelle.

Are you ready?

Are you ready to taste this?

Wear it, spray it, feel it,

be it, take it, have it.

Are you with me?

Just like that.

It's yours. Taste it.